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cherryeol04 · 1 year

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Action! | Ch. 35

Genre: Humor, Romance, Slice of life?, Crackheadedness

Pairings: BaekRen, MinRon

Work Count: 1.6K

Summary: From the moment he was casted, Ren wasn't sure if he had what it would take to be a pop idol. Losing faith in himself, he was going to give up the future he had always wanted, but one person stood by his side and renewed his faith. After a hot debut and rapid growth of stardom, Ren started to notice that maybe this person, his close friend, was something more. But how could a straight man even remotely think of a homosexual relationship?

Warnings: Homophobia, some smut (chapters will be marked)

A/N: I wrote this series back in 2012 and used OCs and over the top writing style for arguments. Whoops. Lmao it’s pretty decent though, so I hope you enjoy!

↶Previous

Baekho's POV

"You're a mess." I whispered. Taking the tissue, I wiped away the running eyeliner. "God you look like a raccoon." I said and laughed softly.

"I'm sorry." Ren whispered. "I didn't mean to cry like such a baby." Frowning, I lowered my hand and stared at him. He wasn't a baby, though he did cry like one. But I understood, he was scared of having sex, scared of losing me, and I was scared of losing him. But I knew I was going to do anything to keep him close to me.

"Don't be sorry. We took it slow didn't we?" I asked with a grin. A flush spread across his cheeks and I chuckled. He was just so damn cute.

"Actually we moved a whole lot faster than I thought we would." Ren admitted and I nodded. We moved fairly quickly the moment we got into the room. But he didn't stop me and I didn't get carried away. I played to his needs and when he finally choked up, like I knew he would, I stopped and just held him until he stopped crying.

And that's how we ended up in the bathroom naked. It was nice, what we did and we both got off at least once, I think Ren got off twice though. It wasn't until I tried fingering him that he had issues. And I wasn't sure I was doing it right. Didn't really have time to look up how to have gay sex, or ask anyone really. Anyone being Aron and Minhyun.

"We did and it was fun right?" I asked, slipping my arms around his waist, pulling him close to me.

"It was." Ren said and smiled. His arms wrapped around my waist and I smiled. I liked being in his arms as much as I liked holding him in mine. Before I always thought that this was a friendly gesture, but looking back, deep down I knew I liked this more than a friend should. I liked holding Ren and touching him and now, I love kissing him. Another thing I got upset up about when he closed up towards me.

"And it didn't get uncomfortable until the end right?"

"Right." Ren said with a nod.

"So see, you weren't scared of everything. Just the big thing. Which we can work on okay?" I said and kissed his cheek gently.

"I know we can." Ren said as he stared up at me. Sighing, he rested his head on my shoulder. Rocking him gently, I stroked his back. "I still feel so embarrassed that I cried like that. You hadn't really done anything, just touched me." He whispered.

"And it's okay." I said and pulled back. Grabbing Ren's chin, I lifted his head so he could stare at me. "Baby it's scary. I know I would feel the same if you were doing that to me. I understand, so don't feel embarrassed." I told him.

"And I won't do it again until you're ready, no matter how long that takes." I assured him.

"Really?" Ren asked, eyes wide. I nodded to him and he grinned. "Oh Baekho! I love you so much!" He exclaimed as he moved his arms from my waist to my neck and kissed me happily. I let out a small laugh as our lips met, my arms tightening as I held him against me tightly. Pulling back, I licked my lips.

"I love you too Ren." Kissing him again, I sighed happily. "Let's go back to the bed now. I think we have enough time to please each other again before someone comes looking for us." I said. Ren nodded eagerly and stepped away from me. Letting him go, I took his hand and led him out of the bathroom and back to the bed for a little more loving.

~*~*~

Minhyun's POV

Oh my god, I can't believe all that has happened in the past few weeks and the tour isn't even over yet! I can only imagine what's going to happen when we get home. And I'm not looking forward to it. I love Ren to death and all, but he is seriously fucking up this relationship he's in. I understand he's scared of sex, I was too at first, but I didn't let that fear stop me and Aron. But Ren is different than me, far more...what's the word?

Delicate?

Sensitive?

Feminine?

A combination of all those words. He is...our maknae and he takes things differently than the rest of us. He's also stubborn as a damn horse and if he doesn't open his eyes and realize what he's doing to his relationship, he's going to regret it. Baekho isn't a saint either. He's not helping the situation at all, but I can't blame the guy. He looks so lost when I stare at him and I feel so bad.

But that doesn't excuse him for his actions and he deserved each and every punch he got from me. But hopefully with JR talking to them, everything will work out. They'll work it out somehow and we won't feel so much tension. I'm sure our fans feel the tension at the concerts.

And let's not get on the subject of Aron. I don't know what was up with him and trying to get me and JR to work on things. So far we have, going at our own pace. I'm fact, we're almost back to normal. We can hold civil conversations, we can be alone together for a short time. While I don't think I could ever forgive him for what he did, he is slowly gaining back my trust and we are becoming friends again. I'm thankful for that. I do miss the times JR and I would just hang out together. Those were the good old days.

Stretching, a grunt left me as bones cracked and I felt so much better. Walking to my door, I pulled out the room key and slid it into the slot. Waiting for green, I opened the door and walked in. It was quiet, which was strange because I had left Aron alone. It had taken a lot of convincing to the two that I wouldn't go find Baekho and kill him. I believed JR when he said that Ren and Baekho were going to work on their relationship, so I wasn't going to interrupt that and possibly ruin the chances of them ever getting back together.

Walking into the open room, I stared at the bed and smiled. The old man was fast asleep. I shouldn't say that though, making fun of Aron like that. The other had been sounding horse lately and seemed sluggish as of late. I think he's getting sick and I feel so bad for him. Which means we're probably going to miss him at one or more concerts.

Shaking my head, I moved to the small table by the window and sat down. I looked over the mess of papers, pictures and random items fondly. A blue piece of paper caught my attention and I picked it up. It was a small note from JR.

'Minhyun,

I tucked Aron-hyung in. He said he wasn't feeling good and he looked a bit sick. I'll let manager-hyung know so we can get him taken care of so hopefully he won't miss any of the concerts on the tour. I checked on Ren and Baekho while you were out and they were getting to know each other...on the bed I sleep on in the room I share with Baekho.

I didn't mean to catch them, but I did and it got me to thinking about things, things I've been thinking about on and off for the past few months. It's crazy what's going on in my head and I don't understand it. But there is something inside me that's just, I guess screaming at me.

Anyway, I'm sure I've got you confused now, so I'll just tell you what I need to tell you and work out the rest later when you confront me about it.

Minhyun, I love you.

See you later at rehearsal.

Your leader,

Jonghyun~'

I read the note about three or four times more and each time my heart skipped a few beats. Despite what we've been through, and the fact that I probably will never forgive him for being a closed minded homophobic ass, I still love him. JR was the first man I've ever loved, though not the first guy I've liked, which are two totally different feelings. He's my first love and all I've ever wanted was for him to love me too.

And nearly six months and countless dates and love making with Aron later, he finally says it. And worst of all, my first thought is to dump Aron and go to JR. But I can't do that. Aron has been there for me through it all. He's the second man I've ever loved and I do love him. But the prospect of being with JR, it's almost irresistible. I'm not that kind of person, and I know if I go to JR like that, Aron would think I was simply using him and that's not the case.

Oh god, what do I do?

I crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash. Getting up, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and moved to the bed Aron was laying on. Pulling back the covers, I crawled in behind him. Pulling the covers back up, I slid my arm around his waist and kissed his cheek gently. He shifted back against me and moaned softly, but never woke.

"I love you." I whispered softly as I got comfortable, spooning him. Resting my head on the pillow, I stared at the back of his head for a moment before closing my eyes.

What the hell am I going to do?

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cherrysarchives · 1 year

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•┈•┈•┈•┈•┈•┈••✦ ❤ ✦••┈•┈•┈•┈•┈•┈•

🔞 - sᴘɪᴄʏ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Ships

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ballerinainskzville · 1 year

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Pen pal friends - Seungmin one shot

Summary: you’re writing to your pen pal friend, Minnie, about your graduation that you have to attend alone without knowing he’s going to accompany you on your graduation day

… anyways, I am unsure how I feel about the graduation next week, Minnie. I’m relieved that I finally get to graduate from university with the degree I dreamed of since I was a kid. But on the other hand, I’m unsure of the next chapter in life, if working in the industry is the career for me. And attending the graduation alone without my family makes me feel anxious even. The families of all my friends are attending. But who am I to complain, they went into great debts to support me financially for all the tution bills. I should be able to spend the ceremony on my own too.

I hope work isn’t stressing you out so much, take care of yourself Minnie!

- kind regards, Y/N

As usual, you grabbed yourself your favorite coffee order from the café across the post office after you sent your letter to your pen pal friend, Minnie. You knew it wasn’t his real name but you were fine with his nickname. He could have lots of names: Minhyun, Mingi, Seungmin…

Minnie and you were penpal friends for two years now. You knew that he also lived in Seoul and liked reading thriller books. When you were stuck in your room during the pandemic, in a foreign city, you signed up for a pen pal site. Ever since, you were writing letters with people around the world. Minnie was the friend who knew most of you, the friend you had exchanged letters the most.

You stepped out of the female dormitory building as a person approached you. Deep in thoughts, you jumped in the surprise. The guy was wearing black clothing, up to his bucket hat and mask. At night time he might have blended into the darkness but he stood out even more in the bright day light.

He was carrying a flower bouquet of white roses in his hands. Your favorite.

“Y/N?”, he asked and you looked back up to the stranger’s face.

“Y-yes?”, you answered, trying to stop all the possibilities of scenario outcomes that were rushing through your mind right now.

“These are for you”, the guy said and extended it to you. Startled, you took the flowers and hold them, searching for a card attached to the bouquet.

“Thank you-“, you mumbled as you kept on looking among the flowers. “Who are they from?”, you then asked, looking back at the guy as you were unsuccessful in finding a card or note.

“They’re from me”, he said and then removed the bucket hat, followed up by the mask. He was young. Student age. Brown hair with blonde highlights in the front. He resembled a puppy, you thought. Wait, was that a weird thought? “Thank you?”,you laughed with awkwardness laying in the tone. You didn’t know this guy. “I couldn’t let you go to your graduation alone, what friend would let that happen?”, he then commented and that’s when your eyes flickered back to him. “Wait, Minnie??”, you whispered to which he nodded. “Actually, it’s Seungmin. Minnie is my nickname but you knew that already”. He gave you a warm smile and held his arm out. “We can’t let you be late for your graduation ceremony. Let’s go”

#skz #skz scenarios #skz oneshots #stray kids #seungmin #stray kids oneshot #stray kids scenarios #skz seungmin #seungmin scenarios #seungmin imagines #stray kids seungmin #pen pal #stray kids fluff

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gswxjun · 1 year

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&&. Nocturne

The power outage was one of the biggest nightmare scenario Jun had experienced in his medical career so far. Of course, the hospital had its back up generators that provided the facility with energy, but it was barely enough to keep emergency services running. Regular schedules were basically kept at a bare minimum and if possible postponed for indefinite time. It was heartbreaking to have to sent away patients, just because they had no capacities left. They had no idea for how long they had to endure and sit tight during this state of emergency (and if the back-up power generators would run out of battery until then), but Jun felt just as stressed and anxious as every of his colleagues. It was almost like a fine line about to snap. The health system was at it's most fragile state.

And honestly, Jun wasn't in best shape either - he was tired, but mentally and physically. Dragging himself through shifts and trying hard to help wherever he could, regardless of his area of discretion or not. He simply wanted to be of use.

So when he was shooed away by nurses to rest in the break room during a nightshift, he reluctantly left to get some sleep. To save some energy break rooms were just sparely illuminated, just enough to walk around the room without hitting a foot against the corner of the bed. He didn't really minded, as long as there was a bed to take a nap in, so he carelessly stumbled inside without checking the occupation status properly. Putting down the pencils and the pager, he slipped under the blanket, just to found it warmed up by a body next to him. Jun quickly jumped onto his feet, heart racing, when he realized the room was already occupied. "Oh, sorry. I didn't noticed there was somebody here already." The emergency surgeon blinked into the darkness, just to make out the handsome features of Dr. Min looking back. "Dr. Min! Why didn't you locked the door?"

Starter for @minhyun-gsw !

#&&. smj: thread #&&. title: nocturne #&&. ft: minhyun-gsw #gsw:eclipse

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seokwoosmole · 7 months

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Saw this on @fangmich ‘s blog!

rules: shuffle your 'on repeat' playlist and post the first ten tracks, then tag ten people!

1. Hidden Side by Hwang Minhyun

2. LOVE SCENARIO by iKON

3. BONVOYAGE by Dreamcatcher

4. This World by ATEEZ

5. eight by IU feat. SUGA

6. Boy In Luv by BTS

7. Back To Me by The Rose

8. Wave by ATEEZ

9. Bring it on by ONEUS

10. Autopilot by PURPLE KISS

Tagging whoever sees this & wants to do it :)

#kpop tag #tag game

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seawherethesunsets · 9 months

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The final was not as impressive as the previous episodes for me but I liked the-punishing-in-legal-ways scenario. I'd love to see more of Jae In and Yohan. From now on, I wait for Kim So Hyun's new drama (I MISSED HER) and The First Responders S2. Is there any kdrama you wait for?

By the way, Chinese dramas are not to my liking, I tried many times and I found either the story or the acting cringey/childish. But there is this drama called Hidden Love, I saw some gifs on Tumblr, wow. The chemistry, the acting, the mimics of the main couple... make me go heart eyes. I hope the gifs keep coming!! So far I enjoyed that devil&fairy drama and this hidden love (though I skipped tons of scenes in both). Oh and one drama which was like Secret Garden.

The drama that I'm most looking forward to is D.P 2 and The First Responders s2!! I saw the trailers for My lovely Liars and yes I am seated for Kim So Hyun and Minhyun (they look beautiful. i'm watching for the plot >.<). Oh Yes! My Dearest, I'm always up for a good sageuk, so I hope this will be one of it and Nam Goong Min <33333

It's a hit or miss for me too, I'm usually watching cdramas that not many are watching asjdhdlfk or watch those popular ones only later on (and alr spoiled myself w endings). one thing about cdramas, they are meant for fast forwarding lolol. I was waiting for Hidden Love to fully release on netflix before I continued. I watched till ep 5 and I'm gonna start bingeing soon. I love both FL and ML! Currently, as you may alr know I've been fully invested with Fireworks of my heart. I love the angst and tbh ML acting's on and off for me, but he's good and (bonus) extra HOT 🤣 in this drama and it's my first time watching FL, but she's really making me her fan. She conveys the desperation, frustrations, sadness all so well! And the firefighting/hospital scenes were actually pretty well executed (not too cringey or questionable).

I'm waiting for a good jdrama for me to get invested on. It's been a bit of a slump for me.

#❤️❤️❤️

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ggunight · 1 year

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Best case scenario, if Hui does debut in Bep1er there’ll be a Pentagon renaissance, much like what happened to Hwang Minhyun and Nu’est. When Minhyun was poached for Wanna One, Nu’est formed the subunit Nu’est W while “waiting” for their member to return. They experienced a skyrocketing climb in popularity that continued even after Minhyun returned that was beautiful for them and the fans while it lasted.

BEP1ER oh my god.. yeah there are definitely ways to make that situation work, i just have absolutely no faith that cube wouldn’t just take it as another reason to keep pentagon in this weird indefinite hiatus they’ve been in for the past year. plus members are enlisting and they’re apparently still planning on debuting a new bg. but i want to hope for the best and maybe it will all work out 😔

#ask

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kpopreac-tion · 4 years

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choosing them in a dating show - nu’est reaction

ARON: “Really?”

He wouldn’t know how to react but as soon as he realized you had picked him, he would be very shy about it, especially since his members would be teasing him too as he has liked you for a while.

“Yes, I’m serious. Why?”

“Just can’t believe someone like you would like someone like me.”

JR: “Oh.”

He would try and make small talk with you but wouldn’t really know what to say when you continued the conversation. He would be so awestruck by you that he wouldn’t know how to continue the conversation.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“I don’t even know how to react to that.”

BAEKHO: “I’m glad I did this.”

He knew he had to pick you. His members had hyped him up and he couldn’t have been more grateful. You just had a way of making him smile without even trying and he knew he couldn’t let you go.

“Me too. This is going to be so much fun.”

“I like the sound of that.”

MINHYUN: “You have a great smile.”

He wasn’t sure what to do but when he saw the change, the picked you. When he saw the smile on your face, he knew he had made the right choice and he couldn’t wait to get to know you.

“I could say the same about you, I’d like to see it more.”

“I guess we both agree on the same thing.”

REN: “I knew you would.”

He would, of course, be very cocky about it. He liked you but wasn’t sure if you liked him too so when you chose him, he knew he had his answer. He’s be teasing you and be very smug about it.

“If I had known you’d be this annoying about it, I wouldn’t have.”

“Please, you love me really.”

#kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop reactions #kpop imagines #nu'est scenarios #nu'est imagines #nu'est reactions #jr scenarios #jr reaction #aron kwak scenarios #aron kwak reaction #baekho scenarios #baekho reaction #minhyun scenarios #minhyun reactions #ren scenarios #ren reaction

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unmanageable-day · 4 years

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my old writings - masterlist

these are my old pieces, consisting of various artists who I was very into at that time. don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that I don’t stan them now, I still do but I guess I’m not that good at multi-stanning (?)

a/n: wow i read some of these and wow, just wow. anyway some fics are snippets from a longer version that i used to post in asianfanfics (which i provided the link in some posts). and some are not finished because as usual, either i got distracted or i simply don’t know where it goes. so yeah...

EXO

Do I love you? - bestfriend to lover!Suho

About us - ex-lovers!Chanyeol

NU’EST

On a lazy Saturday afternoon - boyfriend!Minhyun

Merry go round: Part 1 - Part 2 - lovers to strangers!Minhyun

Monsta X

When words are not needed - boyfriend!Shownu

Pentagon

Merry go round: Part 1 - Part 2 - friends to lovers!Hui

Kang Kino

Wanna One / Hotshot

Meet Ha Sungwoon

KNK

Will you take my hand? - part 1 - part 2 - part 3

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prettywordsyouleft · 4 years

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Idol Advent - Day 25 (final)

For the first twenty-five days of December we will be opening up a door on the Idol Advent tree to see who is behind it and waiting with a drabble to share!

To find out who is there for the final time, click the keep reading!

Together - Minhyun

Inhaling a deep breath, you held onto your dish as you pressed the doorbell, steeling yourself for the interaction. You had noticed your neighbour Minhyun never went home to celebrate Christmas with family. And that was why you were standing on his doorstep holding onto a serving of your Christmas dinner.

When the door opened, you almost dropped the dish, forgetting how handsome Minhyun was up close. Once he saw it was you, his cheeks stained a pretty shade of pink, and you were certain your own were crimson now with how heated you were feeling.

Though that could also be from the meal pressed into your waist.

“Oh, uh, I know this might seem weird, but last year I noticed you didn’t go home for Christmas.”

“My family lives overseas,” he mentioned and you nodded rapidly. “What have you got there?”

“Tell me if I’ve overstepped but I made you some food. Please don’t feel you need to eat it or anything! I just think everyone deserves to have a nice cooked meal on Christmas day.”

Minhyun was taken aback, his cheeks catching up in colour to yours. “You didn’t have to Y/N. You must be so busy with your guests-”

“I am alone this Christmas too.”

“Well, it makes sense that I share this meal with you then. If, if you would like the company, that is?”

“Oh,” you started, your eyes widening with his suggestion.

You hadn’t thought about what would happen after you gave Minhyun the meal, and certainly not that he’d want to come eat with you. Yet even though your heart was hammering in your chest, you nodded shyly. “I wouldn’t mind that at all.”

“Then let me get changed and I’ll come over,” he suggested and you nodded again quickly before dashing home, shoving items into corners they didn’t belong in.

When you opened the door, Minhyun held out a present towards you. “I uh, had this for you but didn’t know how to gift it until now. Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

“If you want to, we could make this a thing. Each year I mean.”

Minhyun nodded, his smile growing. “I’d really like that.”

For the first time in years, you shared a Christmas meal with someone and laughed merrily. And when it was over, you started a new countdown, hoping that it wouldn’t take 365 days until you spent more time with Minhyun.

______________

Thank you to everyone who enjoyed opening the calendar with me this year!

[Christmas 2019 Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

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cherryeol04 · 1 year

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Action! | Ch. 34

Genre: Humor, Romance, Slice of life?, Crackheadedness

Pairings: BaekRen, MinRon

Work Count: 1.4K

Warnings: Homophobia, some smut (chapters will be marked)

A/N: I wrote this series back in 2012 and used OCs and over the top writing style for arguments. Whoops. Lmao it’s pretty decent though, so I hope you enjoy!

↶Previous Next↷

Ren’s POV

I think it was fate that we were supposed to meet. By the pool, probably not, but that just happened to be where we were at the time and we couldn’t help that. But it had to be fate, much like the first day of being a trainee when we first met. Out of everyone in the room, or in this case, the vast expense of the hotel’s swimming area; we sat at the same table together at the same time. It had been a while since I actually looked at Baekho. I know we performed together, but I hadn’t actually looked at him. I could go the whole time without looking at him, but today…

JR’s words really got to me. But what really got me the most was the fact that he said Baekho had willingly given me away to him. I don’t want to be with JR, as much as I love the other, he’s more of a brother to me. Baekho is the one I really want and I just don’t understand why we’re acting like this. I know it’s my fault, but he had a hand in it too and it’s killing me. We don’t have any communication and that’s the sad part. This whole thing probably could have been worked out like they said, but instead we chose to make it into something bigger than it actually was and where did that lead us?

To where we are now.

Our eyes locked and we just stared at each other, taking in each other’s appearance. I could feel my face relax and I was almost sure I had been scowling. Seemed like the facial expression of choice for me anymore. Baekho looked…tired. The bags under his eyes were so clear that I don’t think even the makeup would cover it. I know our concerts were tiring here, but I doubt they’re the reasons he’s as tired as he is. Nope, I’m pretty sure I know what the issue is.

“Baekho.”

“Ren”

We spoke at the same time and a smile crossed my lips. I loved when we did that. “You go first.” I said and motioned to him. Communication that was the key. I needed to hear what Baekho had to say and in return, he better hear what I have to say.

“Okay.” He said and went silent, looking at the table. If I listened hard enough, I could hear the wheels turning in his head as he thought of what to say to me. “Ren…this is ridiculous.” He said and I laughed. After thinking so hard, that’s all he could say to me? But didn’t that sum up the whole situation in a nutshell? Yeah, it did. This was ridiculous and we needed to stop this.

“I agree.” I told him, nodding. He stared at me, sighing, and rubbed his head. Surprisingly, or not, his hair didn’t move. It never seemed to anyway.

“I don’t think there is an amount of ‘sorry’s I could say that would get you to forgive me for what I said. And I’m sure JR can keep his mouth shut about as well as Minhyun can.” He muttered and I smiled.

“He told me what you said to him.” I answered and looked away. “I have to be honest Baekho that really hurt me that you were so fed up that you were giving me away.” I said.

“I know and-“ Reaching out, I pressed a finger to his lips to silence him.

“Let me finish.” I said. He nodded, giving me the go ahead to continue talking. “It hurt me, it really did. But I can’t blame you. I got so upset over that whole girlfriend thing that I just didn’t realize…” I paused and groaned, knowing I had to say this. “I didn’t realize what an ass I was being.” I finished. A snort left him and I rolled my eyes. “Okay, maybe ass is an understatement, but you get the idea.” I said.

“Baekho I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act like I did, but things just…certain things just scared me.” I told him. His head bobbed and I knew he knew what I was talking about. JR told me that Minhyun blabbed, again. But I’m sure the other had already blabbed it to Aron. I can’t be mad at him though. Minhyun was just looking out for me, wanting to help me and I appreciate him for that. I don’t know where I would be in this relationship now, or if I would have a relationship without him around.

“You’re not the only one who is sorry Ren.” Baekho said as he reached out and took my hand. His fingers felt rough against my skin and I wondered just exactly what he had been doing to get them so calloused. It’s not like singing involves using your hands. Well at least not that much. “I’m just as much as an ass as you were.” He said.

“Well yeah.” I said and he frowned. I pressed my lips together tightly, showing him I would interrupt. He had been silent (mostly) through my little speech, I need to remember to do the same for him.

“I didn’t understand why you were acting so cold to me. And instead of just cornering you and asking you myself, I decided to get back at you, make you jealous. I didn’t mean to put a rift so far between us.” He confessed. Yeah, that whole girlfriend thing was horrible. Not a good move, but I kept silent, waiting for more to come, and it did.

“What I said about not putting out. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know then that sex was the issue.” He said. “If I had…fuck I would have never have said or did any of the things I had. Baby I’m sorry.” Staring into his eyes, I searched them. There was no malice or deceit. At one point I would have thought that Baekho would never do that to me, but after everything that happened, I couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t get me to forgive him, only to rip my heart out once more. I felt horrible for thinking that, but I wouldn’t put it past him now.

But looking in his eyes, I could tell, it was all the truth. The other was honestly sorry. And I felt even worse. Because I couldn’t open up and talk to the person I loved, I ruined everything. The whole issue in our relationship is my fault, though Baekho did add fuel to the fire, knowingly or unknowingly.

“I can’t say I forgive you.” I told him, watching his face fall. “I’m sorry. But you really hurt me Baekho. Not just with the whole girlfriend thing, but calling me a bitch, telling me I’m worse than a woman.” I reminded him. “And then telling JR that he could have me. Baekho, how am I supposed to go on loving you, knowing that you held such malice towards me? That you were so fed up with everything that you didn’t even care to fight for me. It’s just like the first time. For months I prayed for you to fight for me, to come and get me and you didn’t! Not until that little quest at the planetarium.” I said and sighed, running my hand through my hair.

“Hey!” Baekho growled and I instantly looked up at him, eyes wide. “It’s not all my fault! Don’t fucking blame me. If you weren’t such a fucking ice queen-” he paused and stared at me. My chest felt so tight that it hurt. I wondered if this is what Minhyun had felt, this horrible feeling when JR had said those awful, hateful words to him months ago.

“Ren.” He whispered and reached out, touching my cheek gently. His thumb ran just under my eye, wiping away the tear that fell. “Baby…fuck I’m sorry.” He apologized again. “But damn it, you get me so angry. Everything is always my fault to you Ren. And I hate it. You get sick and it’s my fault, you act cold to me and it’s my fault.” He listed. “It feels like nothing I do is good enough for you.”

I sat there silent for a moment, just thinking over his words. How could I possibly answer him when he was right? Everything I get upset and blame him for started out as my fault. Well maybe not getting sick. I think that is something no one can really control. I felt the hand moving away as he sighed deeply and I reached up, grabbing it. I placed it back on my cheek and stared at him. This was it, I had to open up. I can’t be cold anymore, I can’t be afraid to show him just how vulnerable I am. I need to push my Ren away. I know I just found him again, but he needs to go to sleep for a while and I need to show Baekho my Minki, the shy, scared boy that I really was. If I can do that, then I’m sure I can find some way to balance both my Ren and Minki personas into one and finally find myself.

“Baekho that’s not it.” I whispered. I felt more tears welling up in my eyes as I stared at him. “You have done more for me than you’ll ever know. You’ve always been there for me, helping me, encouraging me.” I said. “And that side of you, what you’ve done…that’s what I feel in love with Baekho. Not this side of you.”

“I-“ Baekho trailed off, swallowing hard. I could see his own tears wanting to spill. This was so emotional for us, that perhaps the pool was not the best place to talk about this. But we can’t push this off. If we stop now, I don’t know what would happen, but what good would come from it? No, we have to finish. We need to say all we have to say and work this out.

“Minki, I fell in love with you because you were so cute, and sweet, and ridiculously funny. You can be so indifferent to things and people, but when you were with me, you were always open, always smiling. And I love that about you. I didn’t fall in love with this side of you.” He said softly. I felt more tears falling and it was hard for me to not sob. I didn’t want to draw attention to us, so I kept them suppressed, as much as I could.

“Baekho I love you so much and this is the last thing I’ve ever wanted to happen to us. I don’t want our relationship to end before it barely gets started.”

“I don’t want that either Minki. I don’t, but it’s not me. I’m trying. I tried so hard to be understanding to you. Something was wrong and I didn’t press the issue, I didn’t want to upset you. I figured you would come to me when you were ready. When you didn’t….I didn’t know what to do. But I knew I had to do something. Anything to get your attention back and for you to talk to me again. It just…backfired like most of my plans.” He said and I laughed. Baekho had a bad streak when it came to planning. However, there was a pattern and I’m seeing it now. His plans backfire on the first attempt, but in a roundabout away, they work out in the end. Like his plan to get Minhyun and Aron together, his plan to get my attention so we can talk to each other…it’s finally working, despite the interventions that we were given.

“I know Baekho and it is all my fault. If I had only opened up and…” I couldn’t go on. If only I had sucked it up and talked to him. If only I had taken Minhyun’s advice to heart and tried being intimate with Baekho. If only….It was too late for the ‘ifs’ that have been nagging at me. His other hand cupped the other side of my face and I stared into his eyes.

“But you are now Minki. You’re opening up to me now. Let’s not stop it. Please, tell me what’s going on and what I can do to help fix it.” Leaning into his touch, I shook my head slightly.

“It’s not you Baekho. It’s me. It’s all me.” I said and sniffled. “I’m scared Baekho. I love you and want to be with you, but I’m scared.”

“It’s about sex right?” he asked and I nodded my head slowly.

“I don’t know why I’m scared though. I want to be with you…like that.” I said, brows furrowing. “But every time I think of what that means, of being naked with you and touching you and doing…things…I just get so scared.”

Baekho listened to me; head nodding slightly as he took in all I said. I was thankful for that. He was a good listener, despite being a bit dense from time to time. This was something he was taking seriously and I could tell. If we could work this out, maybe things would get better, our relationship would get better. I honestly didn’t want to lose him. Baekho was the best thing in my life at the moment.

“What scares you most though? Doing things with me? Or having me touch you? Being naked?” he asked carefully.

“I don’t know.” I whispered honestly.

“But why are you scared then Ren? You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.” He said before coughing. “Well, besides what I have done. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” He corrected himself and I smiled sweetly at him.

“What if I’m not…what you expected? What you wanted?” I asked, pulling away from his grasp and sat back in the chair. “What if I’m not good enough?”

“Ren, who exactly to do you think I can compare you to?” he asked and I looked up at him confused. “Ren, I’ve never slept with anyone. And I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you. So if you’re good or not, I won’t know, I don’t have experience. But Ren, I love you and I know it’ll be amazing.” He said. I felt my cheeks flush. That’s not something I was expecting, but his words were so comforting. Knowing Baekho was a virgin like me, my fear of not being good enough slowly died away.

“I love too, Baekho and I’m glad you haven’t been with anyone.” I whispered. “I have a question though; do you even know how to have sex with a guy?”

“No.” Baekho said and flushed lightly, chuckling. “Do you?”

“No.” I answered and smiled.

“So then you’re worried over something you don’t even know how to do.” Baekho told me. He was right. I don’t even know how to have sex with a guy and I’m scared. For all I know it could be something ridiculously easy. And it should feel good right? I know I’ve touched myself many times and that always felt good. Wouldn’t that be the same? Sex had to feel good, otherwise people would do it. And gay sex, if it wasn’t good Minhyun and Aron wouldn’t do it. So, what did I have to be afraid of? I know I’m scared of actually doing it the first time, but is that the reason I acted like I did? Or was I just being a scared little boy?

“You’re right.” I said and sighed. “I was scared for nothing.”

“Not for nothing.” Baekho told me. “You have every right to fear what you don’t know. That’s understandable and I want to help you baby, get through that.”

“Baekho I don’t-“

“I’m not saying we have to do it now. But that doesn’t mean we don’t do it at all. Minhyun told me about what he suggested to you and I think we should try that. Go slow.”

“Baekho.” I groaned. I was getting nervous and scared again.

“Baby, I’m here and I’m not going to rush things. In fact, we don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. But I want to do it with you. And I will take as small of baby steps as you need to in order to get through it. I’m here, but please Ren don’t push me away again. I don’t want to lose you.”

I felt horrible. I was closing up and now I had Baekho begging. I didn’t want it to be like this. I need to stop this. I need to take a few deep breaths, put on my big boy panties and confront this fear head on. I can do this, I can do this. Not because I’m Ren, but because I’m Choi Minki and I have an amazing boyfriend who has given me so much courage and confidence, who’s always believed in me. It’s time I give it back.

“Okay.” I said. “You’re not going to lose me Baekho. But, we have to go slow.” I said.

“As slow as you want.” He said with a grin. I smiled happily. I wanted to get up and hug him, to kiss him, but I couldn’t do that in public. It would have to wait, which wasn’t much longer. He took my hand and stood. Standing, I let him lead the way back into the hotel and to our room, or rather, the room I was making him share with JR. I think we’re going to have to fix that too.

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