#maybe my bpd is just making that rejection feel worse! that’s a possibility | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

compassionatereminders · 1 year

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(Vent) Ahaha hey Kat, so I messaged sometime back about a whole disaster of a situation regarding being in (or maybe I was about to be in?) an on-again-off-again messy FWB thing with my older flatmate who can't communicate, he said he loved me and I wasn't sure how he meant it and he wouldn't acknowledge it, and you told me to step away from the whole mess and I kind of don't think I was in the headspace to listen smh, which is my fault. An update on that: it turns out that he talks in his sleep, it seems, and I shouldn't have spiralled so hard about it that I questioned my own feelings and convinced myself I might feel romantically towards him. It turns out I'm just lonely and my possible BPD was acting up, rip. So we talked it out and kept it going.

Unfortunately I'm still lonely and craving some sort of intimacy, platonic or sexual or otherwise, and his mental state only continues to get worse. Last weekend his ex gf showed up at our flat while I was VERY luckily out, and apparently whatever happened there was bad enough that it made him completely "reconsider" things all over again. Now his walls are up again in full force and it feels like he doesn't spend more time with me than he has to as a flatmate. PLUS he got discharged from therapy this week because they "can't help him" and has nowhere else to go. So I can't blame him for distancing himself, I just wish my own brain would stop craving something that I can't ask for from him. And I wish I could hide it better that I miss his company and that I'm craving physical affection of literally any sort, but I also wish I didn't have to? Just now today I hinted, because it came up, that I would like a hug, and he took it as a great deal more pressure than I meant to put on him. And said he wished he could just escape on his own to somewhere "he could be free from people asking things of him". Oof. Been there, but also oof.

I feel guilty, because I don't want my own bad brain and its frequent neediness to be making his worse, but at the same time, I feel selfish for feeling like I deserve more than to be made to feel like I can't express a single casual request. He said that, although I don't even usually ask for comfort like that in words for fear of making him uncomfortable, he can still tell from my body language and energy and expressions. So essentially now I'm hesitant to be around him at all, because maybe my mere presence feels like pressure to him, in a way I can't control. It's kind of draining, and I wish I felt strong enough to step away from it all of my own volition rather than being forced out of his life. But I still care about him and like him and uhhh want to have sex with him, and also still fucking live with him anyway so. Yeah. Complicated.

Sorry this was just a long vent to process the humiliation just now of having asked for a hug from someone my brain is not normal about, and been essentially flatly rejected and guilt-tripped about it. I normally have higher standards than this. He's never going to care about me even as a friend, but the thought of just 'moving on and finding someone else' seems impossible when I'm still hung up on him. But also I'm definitely spiralling, and BPD makes it very very hard to trust my brain about anything that ever happens to me. So. Spiritually and emotionally I have a headache. This was largely just a vent, but if you have any advice on HOW exactly to stand up and move on from this, that would be much appreciated. 💜

Honestly? Step away from this mess of a situation. For real. Cut contact if needed. Focus on managing your own emotions and symptoms instead of trying to placate his. Because this situationship obviously isn't making either of you happy, and it sounds like that's unlikely to change. And letting him drag you down with him is unnecessary. You deserve better and you CAN have it someday. Just not with this guy

#chat with kat #sex tw #guilt tripping tw

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weabooweedwitch · 1 year

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Have you considered the possibility you might have petulant-subtype BPD or covert/thin-skinned NPD? Self-loathing, needing to feel extremely desired (which you said is why you write yandere and noncon), anger issues, being sensitive to ways you might be a victim in life or got a worse deal than others, wanting to lash out at people for perceived slights, extremely fluctuating self-esteem, substance abuse, exaggerating issues, fantasizing a lot about extreme and ideal love, preoccupation with things like appearance, age and failure, perfectionism and not being able to let things go are all traits of those disorders I've noticed in you. I don't know though. I think a lot of people with MI and neurodiversity are like that at a younger age but usually they grow out of it by age 25 at the latest? Which suggests it might be a personality disorder in your case. Maybe it might be worth pursuing some type of advanced psychodynamic therapy for diagnostic clarification? Because it sounds like you've just had diagnosis after diagnosis thrown at you, and of course therapy won't do anything if you don't have the right one. Unfortunately psychiatrists are dogshit at diagnosing complex disorders in young women

Lmaoooo literally have a little voice in the back of my head right now "PETULANT subtype? Oh so I'm Medically Diagnosed As Whiny? 😤😤😤" Lll

I think that definitely sounds like a possibility though 🥺 (especially since I feel like I hate myself too much to have any form of NPD lol). As you've said, those are definitely a lot of traits I have and a lot of these traits I've had as far back as I can remember :( or, maybe it formed as a result of childhood stress and abuse or something since my mom used to say I was a much happier cheerier, more assertive child in the past

That actually reminds me of how I did in fact have like, some sort of social worker suggest I have more indepth psychological testing for a missed diagnosis and it just never really happened, like I was supposed to receive a phonecall or something eventually but, never did

Gosh I was talking to my mom just recently about seeing a psychiatrist again (the downside is i probably have to see a therapist first for a referral), more so to check for ADHD, because I've read ADHD and OCD cause certain emotional regulation issues, and when I was seeing a therapist last, she eventually brought up "hey I've noticed you kind of fly off the handle and become almost manic sometimes because you are so upset, does this happen a lot" and, she was thinking maybe it was exacerbated by my smoking habits, but, really thinking on it, I've always had these sorts of issues, especially in school. They would almost have to warn me/my mom in advance whenever there was going to be a substitute teacher because, something about a new authority figure or the change or I don't even remember, I would HATE those bitches, to the point every single time there was a sub, I was having issues and butting heads and I actually had a period of time as a child where I was, not exactly VIOLENT but I would get into physical fights and arguments with other kids.

Like literally as far back as I can remember, any sort of criticism or rejection of any kind basically creates this.... visceral reaction in me? Like it almost sends me onto fight or flight in a way, the way it can completely tank my moods, make me instantly on edge, almost feeling attacked. And obviously it's a huge problem when I'm supposed to be adulting and I'm at a job and a manager or authority figure says something that irks me and suddenly there's that voice, "ok you know what fuck you, fuck you I'm going then"

Like lmao she may know what I'm talking about but a while back I was talking to a mutual I've known for a few years and she's kind of like "hey XYZ was actually a really uncool to say" and this was a person I've known you know secondhand for YEARS and my brain, instantly instantly said "ok you know what fuck you too then" and I had to like, reign my emotions in and just say I couldn't have that conversation while I wasn't in the right mental state during that time. Like it's that strong.

My mom has always commented on me "flying off the handle" but I've seen literally so many therapists and psychiatrists at this point that like it's a LIST of people who missed me potentially have a PD, but a lot of mental health symptoms overlap and intersect with each other, so...

This is actually super super helpful and something I definitely need to look into, thank you 🥺❤️

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self-h-rmageddon · 3 months

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i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts

#this is so long guhh #just. need it off my chest so i can forget about it already #if i forget it wont hurt me until the next time i remember

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pyxscythe · 8 months

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Elaborate please, I'm so curious

rubbing my hands together like a little fly

This is a mix of scholar duo brainrot and self projecting but one of the handful of headcanons I don't really mention/talk about is k!lincu having BPD, I think that on a surface level when you just see him in lore you wouldn't really get the vibe but diving into his character and his relationship with Maddy and with himself and others then I think you could see it better. Plus Linc confirmed that he has attachment issues at least to some degree it's just that he gets pushed away cause of his personality aka being an egotistical asshole

The struggle to find a sense of self and likely despising who he was when he felt like he was no one special or unique, possibly feeling rejected from society even then, and not really getting why. So he drastically changed himself and became someone who was different, who stood out, even if it was for the worse. Even if people hated him at least then he had a real reason to be rejected. If he was going to feel outcasted he might as well make himself someone who could understand why, he might as well play into some image that might "deserve" it. And he false-ego'd his way into "being unbothered" and twisting insults into sarcastic compliments. And even then he likely had struggles with his sense of self, insults do get to him he just pretends they don't, he literally just lives a lie because it's all he knows, he doesn't know who he is otherwise. And sometimes he hates himself or who he's made himself be. And sometimes he thinks about who he could have been, maybe not some ideal image but just the concept that he could have been different, maybe happier, maybe "better", but he's been robbed of that be it by himself or others or both, he can never get those years of his life back and he can never be someone different.

I think maybe he could have always struggled with being an outcast and much earlier on having some innocent childlike wondering of "Why doesn't anyone love me" to the point where he gave up on this concept of being someone loved and went for being someone hated although he pretends he's someone who everyone loves, he knows everyone hates him or doesn't have the best impression of him but he claims everyone loves him anyway.

And with attachment especially like. He might get easily attached to people who do actually express some kind of liking towards him, it validates him, but no one fucking likes him ! So either it doesn't happen or sooner or later they'll just realize how he is and they'll push him away. And he keeps up his attitude to help convince himself he doesn't need anyone anyway.

Maddy becomes the only person who seems to tolerate him and hell sometimes maybe she even likes him. And he admires her, he holds her to a high regard. And that fucks with him, because he needs to be better than her. He needs to be someone who she could be friends with, someone on her level or even better than that, so that he can understand why she's friends with him when no one else is. He wants to understand what's special about him, because he can try and be special all he wants but he knows he isn't. And he doesn't know how to just be normal about it, how to just be her friend and act like a friend, he only knows how to behave as he always does. And so he shows his admiration in a way that she doesn't understand as him showing admiration, she understands it as his need to be better than everyone. And maybe he thinks sooner or later this will drive her away, maybe some part of him thinks that's for the better, maybe some part of him wants to stop too because he'll lose his only friend, but does she even like him anyway? Back and forth between friends and rivals and never just friends, eventually only rivals. He has no idea how to just be her friend and care for her because he's never been given that treatment either, so he has to just learn it eventually, and even then when it goes too much against his persona he has to tone it down, and it gets to the point where maybe it just looks like he doesn't give a shit. And maybe he even wants to believe he doesn't because then whatever happens its easier to deal with.

And then she leaves, and he doesn't know what to do with himself, even though he tried to anticipate it, but he didn't anticipate her disappearing like that. To a whole different world he didn't even know about. And he gets so caught up in his own self resentment that maybe he can't even stand the life he's trying to live anymore because such a big part of it is gone, the person who drove him forward so much was gone, and he can't stand to be in that city anymore.

Then in the Overworld he stays shut off from everyone for the most part. He avoids growing close to people even slightly, because they don't like him, they won't like him, and he would be going home anyway (he thought so anyway) so what's the point. He can't let himself bond with anyone so in that regard his immediate bad impression is sort of helping him out, no one wants to be around that guy he's an asshole. He has no desires for companionship with any of them because he can't really afford to. And even when he knows he isn't going back home he doesn't bother, because no one would choose to experience the end of the world with him anyway, he might as well see this all through alone. Plus no one has been listening to him anyway, he's tried to have a voice especially because it was an obligation put on him, but did anyone care? No.

He's very observant and psychoanalyzes people on the daily to have all this information about them to his advantage. Here and there he's black and white, this person is good because they did this or that person is bad because they did that, there are plenty of gray areas but so many that are on and off or strict.

And circling back to Maddy—the one friend he had now in this other world supposedly still being his only friend, despite saying it was good to see his face again she would be far more interested in just sticking around the people she knows there. She has friends who are better than he ever could have been, and maybe she doesn't know how much he actually cared about her until she almost died and heard he was the only one who visited her every day. He's on and off with these efforts to show her friendship until he just decides to stop, because he feels like there's no use in it. Yet he still feels so protective over her that he can't just cast it all away entirely. If he wants to get closer he decides its stupid and stays distant but still tries to watch over her in a sense.

He stays in his house all the time tending to his own matters and no one visits him, they only remember on occasion he exists when its convenient for news on the void research, and even then they're never satisfied. He's hardly percieved at all and maybe he's learned to just live with it. It bothers him that no one listens and no one cares, but he tells himself he doesn't care, that he doesn't need their pity anyway. But oh how it would be nice if at least it felt like his only friend was there to care, because they're in the same world again but still worlds apart, and she won't even call him her friend. At this point he'll be standing in the background still just observing everything watching this world crumble and one way or another he'll just perish with it, but even though he'll be going with everyone else he himself will still be alone.

So yeah k!lincu BPD agenda am I right

#Bonus points if I throw in the thoughts about the void #The thought that maybe he'd rather be corrupted and help destroy this world because then he would be someone #He would be someone horrible but he would be someone. He would be paid attention to #And even if he knows maybe walking into the void might kill him instead of taking him home what would that matter #No one seems to need or want his help in that world anyway #I'm getting sooooo psychological about a MINECRAFT ROLEPLAY CHARACTER #I'm making him even more mentally ill #《👾》

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disabled-queen-hc-blog · 5 years

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Really REALLY hard time with my anger right now... Could I request one of the boys having comorbid PTSD and BPD and their anger being triggered to the point that they self harm on their face and chest? Obviously you don't have to do this but I just need a safe outlet. I haven't done anything to myself rn

I could see Freddie doing this.

The worst thing about BPD is that the things you feel and observe are sometimes not based in reality. A smile that fade back to a neutral expression a little too quickly can mean the person is only humoring you and actually hates you. Someone looking away or at something else while you’re talking to them is them showing you how boring and uninteresting you and what you have to say are. A yawn while in your company is an expression of their boredom with you as a person.

At a little celebration for Queen in a run down pub, the boys did all three of those things while Freddie was talking or the center of attention. Brian’s smile faded so quickly after Freddie was done talking. Roger kept looking at the bar keeper. John yawned.

Things were white, but almost immediately, they went black.

They hate Freddie.

They loathe him.

They’re only using him for his talent.

They think he’s a shoddy friend.

They can’t stand him.

Fine.

Fine!

Freddie stood up suddenly, his palms slamming down onto the table.

“I’m leaving,” he hissed, his eyes squinted. The boys are confused but he doesn’t let them ask or explain themselves. Their actions have said enough.

He paid his tab because he doesn’t want them to think he’s a cheapskate in addition to being so mind numbingly boring.

Freddie practically runs home, having to use every ounce of his willpower not to sob the whole way. He can’t believe it. His best friends. How could they treat him like this? What had he done other than be there for them? Why did they hate him?

Once the door to his house opened, so did the floodgates.

He bawled and howled, tossing all his stuff to the floor, wobbling as he locked himself in the bathroom.

Why was he so unlovable? Why did nobody want to be with him? Why couldn’t anyone love him the way he wanted to be loved?

His eyeliner ran as he looked in the mirror, staring into the eyes of what must have been a pathetic creature. Ugly and whiny and pathetic.

He used a finger to trace his chin and cheekbones, wondering whether he was in the wrong or they were.

It must be him. He had a horrible track record with friendships and partners. Could never keep them for more than a few years at best. A few days at worst.

There must be something wrong with him.

There is something wrong with him.

If only he could find it and pluck it out. Pull it out. Squeeze, yank and burn it off.

Freddie grabbed tweezers from the counter and a safety blade from the medicine cabinet. He wasn’t sure what he was doing or what he was looking for. Maybe he’d see it when he looked hard enough. Or maybe he was just doing what someone as awful as he was deserved.

♚

“Jesus, Fred. Did you lose a fight with a cat?” Roger said, John slapping the back of his head right after the words left his mouth.

Freddie walked into the room, his giant sunglasses on, hair failing to cover his face. Although the friendship was over, he still had duties towards the band. If the band even cared to keep him after his stunt yesterday.

Brian stood up, his features morphing from shock to concern to something vaguely warm.

“Freddie...what happened last night? Did we do something to hurt you? And um..y-your face...did you fall or something? Are you okay?” Brian asked as he approached the singer, his shoulders slumped meekly.

Freddie’s cheeks hurt, so he talked quietly as to not irritate them. “I’m fine. I’m a big boy. I can handle myself. Drop the fake concern and let’s get to business, shall we?”

The 3 others went bug eyed, confusion riddling their faces like the cuts on Freddie’s.

“Fake concern? Fred, what are you talking about? We’re worried about you,” Brian said as he took a step closer to Freddie. Freddie stiffened.

“I highly doubt that,” he said, taking off his shades, showing off more bruises and cuts.

Brian frowned, wanting to gently touch Freddie’s cheek but didn’t, knowing he’d be rejected. “Freddie, please. What’s wrong? What happened to your lovely mug?” he nearly pleaded, Roger and John ushering themselves closer to hear.

Freddie scowled, hugging himself defensively. These mind games they played! Disrespecting him one minute and loving him the next. It drove him insane all the gymnastics they did to try and keep him second guessing himself. Not anymore! No! Freddie may not be perfect, but he deserved better!

“You lot is what’s wrong! You guys don’t care about me. Not as much as I care about you, at least. I can see the hatred you all have for me in your eyes when we talk. You don’t even try to hide it. Yawning and checking your watches whenever I open my mouth. It’s so clear you’d rather be anywhere else than with me! All you want from me is my voice! I’d respect you all more if you admitted it to my face,” Freddie spat out, his cheeks growing red, making all his injuries throb.

He was met with an array of puzzled and incensed looks.

John’s jaw dropped, his skin going pale. Roger looked about ready to start yelling. And Brian just looked hurt.

“What in the ever loving fu-” Roger attempted to say, getting cut off by Brian.

“Shut up, Roger.” he whispered, not needing Roger’s infamous temper to make things worse. He’d handle it, as John seemed shell shocked, seconds from bolting.

“I think I speak for all of us when I say, none of us know what you’re talking about. You’re our best friend. We love you. You are quite literally the best thing that happened to any of us,” Brian said softly, slowly and as sincerely as he could.

Freddie hugged himself tighter, shaking his head. “I know what I see. I’m not crazy. You all..h-hate me. And I won’t be lied to anymore.” Freddie wanted to badly to accept this apology, but he had to rationalize it with himself. It was fake. It was. He had to do what was right for him which was getting this off his chest.

“I don’t think you’re crazy, Fred,” Brian said, trying to not look at the cut that was now weeping on Freddie’s chin. “I think maybe you’ve misread some signals. I understand.”

“Oh, no you don’t! Everyone loves you, Brian. You couldn’t possibly understand me,” Freddie retorted, ruffling up.

“Oh, I do. When I’m depressed, my brain reads everything as negative. Sometimes, when you’d visit, you’d be all smiles and loving and my brain would take it and warp it into something nasty. It’d tell me how you only came over to get me feeling better faster so I could play in the band. That otherwise, without my talent, you found me to be useless and not worth the time of day. And sometimes, I’d believe it. I understand, Fred.”

Freddie contemplated Brian’s words, shivering when a trickle of blood slid down his neck. He wiped it up, blinking at the boys before him.

“You think...my brain’s lying to me?” he said in a tiny voice, a glimmer of logic shining in his eyes. A hint of reality burrowing it’s way to the surface.

Brian nodded. John and Roger followed suit. “Perhaps. And that’s fine. It happens. We still love you. We love you so much. We all have some flaws, right?” Brian took the opportunity to close the gap between him and the singer, pulling him into a tight hug.

Freddie wanted to resist, but found himself melting into Brian, his eyes fluttering shut.

Everything was white again.

He felt love. So much of it. He felt joy and peace and admiration. He felt whole.

“I love you boys,” he mumbled as the other two joined in on the hug, making Freddie practically radiate warmth.

“We love you more,” Brian replied, nuzzling the top of Freddie’s head, concern etched all over his features. Luckily, Freddie couldn’t see it.

“We’ll talk more about this later. How about we get you home, clean you up and watch some TV?” he asked, giving Freddie a squeeze. Freddie nodded blissfully. He had his boys back. He didn’t care about anything else.

As the four of them left, Brian, John and Roger all shared a glance. None of them understood what had just happened or what they could really do about it. They prayed this would be the last time Freddie acted out.

#freddie #bpd!freddie #implied self harm #self harm mention #Anonymous

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selfharmer-problems · 7 years

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When I date someone I feel like shit thinking that I forced them to date me even if it was them who asked first and I feel worse when I reject them I have bpd but idk if that has anything to do with it but I'm perfectly fine if they're friends with me I can't see myself in a romantic relationship but I fantasize about it I like skinship between friends but I hate being touched by my partner even just holding hands makes me sick I have no idea why though

there are potentially a lot of reasons for it, and it might definitely be related to bpd! I wonder if it is related to just like, really strong feelings of guilt which might stem from traumatic experiences with other relationships or even just the sense that bpd gives you of being completely different from other people and being completely wrong. But you’re not wrong. The people in your life are there because they want to be and they care about you and they are probably not lying when they say it (even if that may be hard to believe considering past experiences with abandonment or abuse in relationships). I tend to struggle with relationships because I have poor boundaries because of trauma and bpd (and also this sense that I need to be prepared for the person I am with to leave). idk if you can attribute it to that. It’s also common for people with bpd to fluctuate between hypersexuality/sexual repulsion. So maybe think about if it was always like that or if it seems recent? have you gone through these periods before? do you notice anything that triggers it either way?You might also want to think about if you really like this person that you are with. I had a lot of abusive experiences with one of my exes that I dated for YEARS and towards the end of the relationship I didn’t even want to sit near them or cuddle with them and I think it was sign that I just didn’t really like them anymore but was holding on because I was afraid of being alone. I also thought a lot about other friends and other people and when it was a big step when I realized that I wouldn’t want to be with other people if I liked who I was with. Maybe you can relate, I don’t necessarily mean to make it about me but just give an example ya know? Sometimes people with trauma who have been abused multiple times in the past by significant others get a sense that they don’t deserve to be treated well or to be in a good relationship, and that can give them a sense of guilt as well and a sense of being undeserving. but its not true, we all deserve to be in relationships that are healthy and safe and abuse-freeyou could also look into the possibility of being aromantic. thats also a thingbasically, it could a couple different things! but I definitely don’t think you’re alone in having those feelings at all. people with bpd are told constantly by the media and others how hard they are to date *eyeroll* so we might just feel guilty because of that to an extent tooBut you’re not a bad person because of your bpd or the things that have happened to you and you deserve partners who are loving and caring and non-abusive. - Adrienne

#admin adrienne #relationships #bpd #trauma #cptsd #abuse #Anonymous

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childrencryinncoffee-blog · 7 years

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Momming; it's not for the faint of heart

Parenting while living with Borderline Personality Disorder is probably the hardest thing I've done in my life; more so than labour & delivery, seriously. No one warns you and tells you just how heartbreaking and paranoia-inducing BPD is while you're a parent. Most people think of bratty teenagers who scream threats of suicide and self harm are the faces of BPD. They are, but they're one of MANY faces of it. My face is another; a lonely, desperate-for-attention, desperate-for-a-friend, mother of 5, who's been married to her best friend for 14 years.

And it's so much more than the anxieties of being judged by other parents, because that's the normal anxiety a first-time and maybe even a second-time mother experiences at the park or even the preschool, where the better-than-you0in-every-possible-way mommies, stand there are judge you and don't offer an opening to the conversation for your opinion. What I'm talking about is being a 5th time mom; who had only 5 immediate family members and no friends show up to her baby shower, so the paranoia kicks in. I'm talking about being the mom who has more than 3 kids in the same school and not one person knows who you are, despite having paid for PTA fees, volunteering and bringing in the goods (cupcakes) for the kids to share since it's your little one's birthday. I'm talking about scrolling through social media; being jealous of these amazing (on screen) mothers, who seem to have it all together and #humblebrag about their awesome #momtribe and we're sitting over here like; "I'll take ONE friend who gets me--I don't NEED a tribe." It's the moms like me with such a loving openness of acceptance because we've been so lonely for the longest time, that we "stand up for the little guys" in hopes that someone will witness our advocacy and WANT to befriend us. But that hope fizzles out way too quick.

It's hard being a medicated mom. Because you're not really mending your heartache or loneliness, you're kind of putting a band-aid on a wound that needs stitches. I take medications that "numb" me from the constant feeling of strong emotions. And I take them day and night. But there are afternoons like today--when the mood stabilizers wear off a bit too soon and I'm left with the sad, pathetic realization that my life will never be what I hoped it would be and suicidal ideation comes into play. You brain starts thinking you'll never be good enough. If they didn't like you at 19, why would they at 32? They didn't get you when you have 1 kid, so why does you having 5 kids supposedly make you somehow appealing, it doesn't.

I keep thinking there's more to this life of mine than waking around the clock to breastfeed, change diapers, make the bed, wash and fold the laundry, plan meals, shop for meals, cook the meals, clean up, shower and go to bed, just to do it all over again.

But I'm wrong. Or at least my brain has me thinking I'm wrong.

And it's hard to reach out to people about this sort of thing because there are only a few standard replies, you've got the "Oh, you have friends, don't be so negative." or "You're being so over-dramatic, quit being a crybaby." or the "You just have to get out and make yourself have friends."

None of these replies are helpful when you have mental illness. You can't just turn the paranoia off. You can't just blink away anxieties and concerns and worries.

I can't remember the last time I had a conversation that didn't pertain to the kids or some crude, sexual remark from my always-horny husband.

I just wanna meet like minded friends, who either have kids or don't, but don't' judge me for being 32 and a mother of 5. I wanna sit up and talk about the planet and the government and women's rights and so many other things, over a beer or three and just be chill and still like and respect each other afterwards, even if our opinions don't mesh.

And having to explain triggers SUCKS when trying to make new friends.

It seems like everyone is pro-weed, pro-smoking pot these days and I just can't. It's too triggering for me; and rather than people respecting me enough to understand or learn WHY marijuana is a trigger to me, they cut ties and I'm once again screwed in the friends-department.

I feel like when I meet someone new, I have to immediately apologize for who I am. I hate that. Even right now, I am struggling with whether or not I should delete this post, because it's embarrassing. But I wanna keep going to show how a BPD mind works.

And every time I feel rejected, I have to FIGHT with my entire being, against self-harm. Some people don't even realize the type of pain they're inflicting when they either say the wrong thing or don't say anything at all.

For example; a few weeks ago, this mommy group I am trying to become comfortable with, is hosting a MNO (Mom's Night Out) without the kids, to a stand-up comic series at the Irvine Spectrum. There was talk about carpooling, which would have been fantastic because Derrick works and needs the SUV and I wouldn't be back in time to pick him up, so carpooling would've worked perfectly. Except when the lady hosting the carpooling updated that we all needed to meet at her house at 4 to leave together....which negated the who carpooling thing. I replied that this wouldn't work for me and that reply went ignored for DAYS, WEEKS and when I finally replied to my own reply about getting a rental car and driving myself, SUDDENLY they replied about how someone could've picked me up and brought me. But rather than being short and rude with my reply, I just said "No worries, it'll give this stressed out mama of 5 an excuse to blare her music without hesitation." While on the inside I was sobbing and wondering if I could hide a cut on my inner thigh since Derrick and I haven't been having sex that often, maybe it'd go unnoticed.

And I can't blame them. For not liking me. When the ONLY examples of Borderline Personality Disorder are two insane movies "Thirteen" and "Fatal Attraction", which neither help my case when it comes to inviting people to be my friend.

So I sit here, depressed, lonely, crying and crying more because Ivy is crying while I asked Evelyn to hold her just so I could write this, while drinking my second beer because clearly I suck at handling emotions. And really, all I want to do is go to bed before my brain makes this worse for me.

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enby-hawke · 7 years

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Dear Diary

Human flyers with BPD and spiritual delusions of fairies cannot be trusted to keep up with time. I thought it was the 25th already.

But I was thinking how you see so many notes in Skyrim and Dragon Age. Like I don’t question it anymore. Facing death at any moment you get the itch to leave your mark on someone; spill a type of ink that won’t wash off.

I scare myself. I’m painfully aware of how suicidal I am, just as I am painfully aware at predicting the future through past history. I was screaming about colonialism, and representation, and gentrification and intersectionality years before this happened. I know I’m flagged cause of it. When white therapists had to remember professionality and not laugh as I said burning Obama effigies could pave the way for a Fascist regime.

“It’s free speech you can’t censor it.”

“That’s just one possibility.”

“You take life too seriously.”

That last one on some level they were right.

Depression takes so much. It took my joy and self-loathing makes everything worse. Bit it wasn’t depression of BPD that made me choose this path. Maybe it just made it easier to choose.

When I’m happy now I’m so happy. When I see my friends laugh and smiling and love and thrive. I feel so priviledged and in awe that I get a chance to give to this dream, which at it’s heart is collectivity.

And when you’re about to die, you get selfish where you’re selfish. I’m madder than ever at white people that made fandom hell for me. That you scarred me in places I felt safe. So yeah, fuck you for that. Feel guilty? Don’t do it again to people who will survive this.

Because I invoke my Gods to curse you with overhwhelming guilt, and that I’ll become the vengeful spirit that attaches to yours.

My POC friends, sisters, my beautiful mother, I love you. Fiercly. Wholly. This is the purest form of love that I can think of, and I wish I could take away your pain. Though you see me pulling away. Though you wonder what I’m about to do. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I want to fill page after page with my love. I do this not only because I love you, but because I love myself. Finally. I am half-white. Some of you know my shitstain racist father story. A lot of us have them. He made me only see my whiteness. He gave me white filters. But as I continue and will keep continuing to reject whiteness, I see I am beautiful. I am molded of my ancestors ferocity. We have been colonized a thousand times over. Resistance is in my blood. I’m not atoning for my whiteness anymore. I’m reveling in the power of my brown strength, in my ancestors defiance. My history has always been of defiance. My history is made out of sacrifices born of pure love.

So maybe I won’t live as long, but my ancestors smile. They reach to me now and tell me I should let them shoulder this pain and remember that this pain is born of love and that makes it so much lighter to bear.

Fascism does not want you to remember your love. Think of what true love means. You wouldn’t let this happen to people you truly love, Even in the smallest ways, whatever is safest for you, resist.

#dear diary #like not really for critiquing kay?#fascism watch #personal things so I can keep myself a teensy bit saner #ok to reblog

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allicanseebpd · 7 years

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dealing with the bpd girl

"Is Ellie back yet??" ••• asks, sat in the kitchen with *, ** and ***. *** nods her head and stands up to continue cooking her dinner. ** adds "I will go and knock on her door actually, I haven't seen her since Saturday night for *'s birthday." She stands up and leaves the kitchen to head down the left hand corridor. "She's been acting really strangely actually? She came out with us on Saturday but was very quiet and didn't drink much at all. And apart from that I haven't seen her, she hasn't answered the door whenever any of us have knocked." * explained, looking concerned and glancing towards the door ** left from. It opened with a frustrated **. "She's not in again, or maybe she's just not answering." "She's probably just trying to avoid the meeting. I knew we shouldn't have told her in advance ! I knew she would avoid us like this. Let's face it, she doesn't want help and will go to any lengths to avoid us forcing her to." "Well maybe we need to change tactics then!! It's wrong to force somebody to go and get therapy, ESPECIALLY someone with a disorder that makes them impulsive and have suicidal tendencies *!" *** argued, glaring at the other three. "sorry *** but until you're there on nights out dealing with her running off and getting really emotional, or you have to clear up the mess she makes during one of her angry mood swings then I don't really care about your opinion on this. You don't know what she's like!" * stated. "Well do you? Let's face it you've never had a mental health problem yourself or even researched the symptoms for borderline, I can quite easily see that from the way you're dealing with her. I study this disorder, I've done lectures on it, think we can all trust my advice better than yours." "Guys we can't keep Ellie out of this anyways, at the end of the day if she refuses to go then that's her choice, we can't force her. She is an adult, we just need to make her see it's worthwhile to seek help." ** tries to diffuse the tension between the other two. "Well *** could you maybe explain to us how we should deal with Ellie? Like that will benefit everyone." ••• interjects. The others all nod, "yes, and luckily enough me and Ellie have actually spoken about this and she has told me how she needs dealing with, and FYI, the best person to ask this to is Ellie. Just in a more positive mood period of course." "First of all, and this is mainly directed at you *, stop being so forceful. Telling Ellie she has to do things, or threatening her are all just ridiculous ways to talk to someone with bpd. Like literally if you say things like that to her whilst she is angry all she will do is think "* will never like me again if I don't get therapy, and I won't ever get therapy, let's escape this situation and kill myself." Also works for the house, telling her she will have nowhere to live next year will freak her out, she would have to tell her whole family why which of course she does not want to do so yet again may behave impulsively." "Next, when Ellie does things like talks a lot or runs away or speaks really loudly, these are all attention seeking behaviours. She wants the attention but can sometimes reject it because of the anxiety. When she doesn't get the attention that is when she acts out for example when she trashed the kitchen. The best thing for us to do here is to try and give her the attention she wants as much as possible. Obviously a bad candidate for this is you * because you go to bed a lot earlier than the rest of us. This is why Ellie often seeks out ** to either just talk to or sleep in her room, she wants the attention and knows ** will provide it." "Theres way more things, but one thing I think that is important is the whole ••• thing." "Yeah I've been thinking about that too, like obviously it is feeding into the disorder and the symptoms but I don't know how we should deal with that? Like do we mention it or" ** asks, *** shakes her head. "At the moment it is a lot worse than it should be because she only recently found out everyone knew. She feels anxious about the situation because everyone's thinking about it whenever she and ••• are in a room together, and so feels anxious whenever she sees ••• now. Basically we need a relaxed game night where we all just don't mention it. It's not like it's a problem anyways, people like other people. It's not our business so let's just not talk about it unless she, or ••• want to." ••• nods and smiles sadly. "Do you think... if I knock on the door she will answer ?" "Actually yeah" * replies, *** nods. "Try it" ••• heads down the corridor and softly knocks at my door. I lay silently on my bathroom floor, shivering in a thin tshirt and boxer shorts. "Ellie? It's ••• ... do you wanna talk??" I hear her ask. "Not particularly." I reply, the first time I'd spoken since the weekend. ••• looks relived and smiles to herself. "Okay, well if you change your mind, you can come to my room whenever you like?" I don't reply again. I hear the soft pads of her slippers against the hallway carpet. "Is she in?" ** asks, all three of them looking worriedly at •••. "She is. She spoke to me through the door, think that's the best we are gonna get for today."

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