#maybe it didnt have a working one or something and they don't need to waste time explaining that to me

[iouinotes]

Show-off | Mike Ross

pairing: Mike Ross x female!reader

show: Suits

genre: smut word count: 2,9k

summary: you and your co-worker Mike dont get along very well. But when you have something that he needs, suddenly everything is different.

a/n: Just watched the first two episodes of "Suits" and something about Mike is really attractive-

Working in a well-known office as a lawyer has it's advantages. Such as being respected by business people or being able to afford a lot of things, you spend all your evenings analyzing documents rather than meeting actual people.

Nevertheless, sometimes there are also negative factors. For example, my co-worker Mike, who really believes, that he is with his ridiculously skinny tie and sarcastic humor better than the others. Or right now, better than me.

"God, I cant believe you. Can you behave for once?" I use my fingers to push my hair back in frustration, noticing how my head starts to hurt. Its 10 pm and I'm currently trying to stay calm, though because of one man in particular, my nerves seem to be getting thinner within seconds. Valuable time is wasted that I could spend somewhere else instead of with him.

"Now it's my fault, that you don't have the documents with you? Sorry, I can't help you being organized in your own workplace." His voice irritates me. Everything about him is so frustrating.

"I told you, I didnt get the message! How am I supposed to know, that you need something, when you don't tell me anything about it? Maybe you should stop being so childish and ask me in the first place, instead of running to Rachel!" If our job had nothing to do with justice and we werent literally standing in a law company right now, I would kill him. And then I wouldn't hesitate to go to court and say it was self-defense, because I didnt want to hear any of his miserable excuses anymore.

"So what do you think, I should do? I need these documents for tomorrow. Please, I know you don't like me, but it is really urgent." Why does he has such blue eyes? The look he is going me is even more irritating than his voice.

I sign, exhibit my laptop and try to put the pens back, that are laying all over my desk.

"Okay, fine. As I said, the documents are at home, so-" I don´t even get to finish my sentence.

"Great, so I'll meet you there. And I wont even tell anyone, if your place is a mess." His eyes wander over my messy desk, and even If I don´t like to admit it, it's a bad habit of mine. But, he shouldn't make any assumptions about the neatness in my apartment.

"I hope you loose the documents on your way home." At my words, he grins smugly.

"Well, then I could lie and say you didnt found them anymore and I hadnt had the chance to go through them." He leans towards me.

"I'll run you over with my car." He raises his eyebrows at my threat.

"You sure should do something that makes you smile more often. Is that even something you know how to do?" I show him my middle finger and turn to left my office. When I close the door, I hear the laughter in his voice.

"The next storm should be named after you as quickly as you left the room." He follows after me.

"Can you shut up for once? Oh, I forgot. You don´t last one second being silent. Thats a shame, the world could finally heal." His hand rests on his heart, his features fake a hurt expression.

"Ouch. You really don´t like me that much, huh?" His eyes try to search mine.

"You get on my nerves on purpose every fucking day. Should I thank you for that?" I turn my head to look at him.

"Yes, you should. Your life would be so boring without me." He grins at me again from the side, that typical grimace that is always adorn on his face.

"You wish." When I tell him my address, he raises his eyebrows, but before he can make an unfavorable comment, I get into my car.

Darkness surrounds me and when I see him going away, I lower my head to the steering wheel. He really is the best at confusing my emotions.

~~~~~

I turn off the lights of my car and get out of it, so I can finally make my way to my flat. Its not something special, I mean I have a living room, which is quite big and connected to the kitchen, a bedroom and a bath. But I am very lucky, because I have a small balcony, from which I can watch the stars at night. But I usually only do that when I can't sleep.

So, when I enter my apartment, I let my eyes wander over the manageable mess, I put some clothes back in the closet and the dishes in the washing machine. The place almost looks decent, when I hear the doorbell.

As I open the door, I'm nervous for some reason. I let him in and turn to my office drawers, looking for the document.

"Nice place. You live here alone?" His fingers trace my bookshelf, I see him reading the titles.

"No, my wife is still at work." When I look at him dead serious, I see him laugh in surprise.

"So, you do have humor. I thought, you were one of those exceptions that wouldn't be able to do that." He means it as a joke, but something in my chest hurts.

When I reply with a monotonous voice, I see his eyebrows pull together. "I live here alone. That's what you wanted to hear?" I'm getting more frustrated again with every second he's around me.

"No- I didnt mean it that way. I'm sorry. My intentions were good, I promise." When I look at him for a moment, I see his honest expression.

It would be so easier for me to hate him, if I didnt know, he was a good human. Well, most of the time.

We are silent for a moment, but when I hear his footsteps, I tense up.

"What are you doing?" He's now standing right next to me.

"Helping you. You seem a little, tense?" I glare at him for a moment and he raises his hands in defense.

"Just pointed out the obvious. But dont worry. You still look lovely." I stop in my movements at his words.

"Thats such shock for you?" His voice shows surprise and a certain curiosity.

"Only that you say it." I look into his eyes.

"Well, you may think I'm dumb, but I'm not blind."

He just called me beautiful, sort of. It´s confusing me.

When I finally find the documents, I hold my hand out to him.

"I don´t think you are dumb. I think you're annoying. And a show-off. I don´t like that." His eyes follow me.

"What do you like then?" His question surprises me. He slowly takes the documents out of my hand, his finger gently brushing mine.

"I don´t think that is any of your business." I try to clear my voice. His touch makes me shiver.

"Come on, tell me. Would that be so bad?" His whole presence is making me nervous and I feel my hands start to shake.

At work, I can always hide behind a mask, pretend that nothing he does affects me. I can act like I truly hate him, even though I catch myself looking at him, from time to time. Especially when he shows off his intelligence without realizing it, impresses his clients and -I would never admit it- me too. It's a certain charm about him, the way he always knows how to answer, while being mischievous and clever about it.

But now, that he's in my apartment and so close to me, it's suddenly different. And I don't know how to react to him being nice.

"I look for someone who isnt afraid of commitment. Someone who is honest and kind, but who also challenges me. I want to feel safe, so I can put my trust not only in myself."

He nods and is quiet for a moment, I begin to feel stupid for telling him all of that, when he responds.

"I get that. Someone whose shoulder you can lean on when things get too much. Someone who meets your needs, who wants to be in your life. For longer than a one-night stand." He smiles at me and I see for the first time, why I possibly could like him.

"Also, statistics show higher rates of being robbed or kidnapped, when you have one-night stands." This remark almost makes me laugh, even though it's frightening.

"Well, who would even notice, if I would disappear? Probably only my clients, because they need me." I lower my head, being completely honest with him for the first time.

"I would notice."

When I look at him, he takes a step towards me. His fingers gently slide over my shoulder and brush my hair aside, the touch makes a warm feeling bloom in my chest.

"I couldn't annoy you anymore. My life would be pretty boring without you. And it's not so bad to be able to look at such a pretty face every day, even if it always looks at me annoyed, like all the time." I quietly laugh at that, feeling surprisingly good because of his compliment.

We look at each other, now being really close. My eyes travel to his lips and I don´t even know how it happens, but suddenly he is all over me. His lips on mine, his hands on my waist, lifting me up to sit me on the desk. I moan softly when his hands tangle in my hair and he pushes himself closer to me, so that he's standing between my legs. One of his hands gently wraps around my neck and I feel my loud pulse.

My hands move too, stroking his back and holding him closer to me by his tie. As he pulls his lips away from me, he lifts my chin with his finger. Now, looking down at me with widen pupils. I hold his eye contact, forgetting all about my issues with him, when he speaks to me with a deep voice (which I suddenly don´t think sounds irritating anymore).

"Be angry at me tomorrow and mine for tonight. I bet, all your frustration from work and your thin nerves can catch a break, what do you say?"

Not much. Because I pull him towards me by his tie and kiss him again. I don't want to stop at all anymore. He returns the kiss with the same enthusiasm and his hands find their way to my waist again to lift me up again. When he crosses the living room with quick steps and lays me down on the sofa, I already feel out of breath and clearly turned on.

His kisses become more intense, his lips move from my mouth to my neck, leaving marks there. But it feels too good to make him stop.

"I will gladly hear your excuses, when someone asks you about your hickeys tomorrow. Because you will be all flustered, when you think again about this moment. Where you are ready to be fucked by your colleague, who you despise so much." I whimper as he pushes up my dress and his hands pull my tights down to my knees. The cold air hits my skin, but I don't really notice it, because his lips are on my neck again and his fingers connect first with my stomach and then further down. I hold my breath as his lips touch my ear and his fingers stroke my folds.

"So wet for me. Didnt think, I would turn you on this much." I kiss him to shut him up.

"You are-" I moan, when he finally puts a finger in me. "-so annoying." He laughs at me.

"Am I? But you seem to like it." I feel myself getting wetter, his fingers feel so good as they move gently but firmly inside me. One of his hands moves to push my dress further up and somehow, he manages to pull it over my head. Now, I'm lying in front of him in just a bra, his hands slowly find their way over my body and to my back, which I lift slightly so that he can open the clasp.

When I lie naked in front of him and he massages my breasts, his lips touch mine and his fingers stimulate me, I feel like I'm in heaven.

He breaks apart, so he can look at me and I draw my eyebrows together, when his fingers increase in speed. My mouth opens and the sounds that escape me echo in the apartment.

"I'm- god, I think I am going to come-" at that he starts to tease me, going slower but a lot deeper. My eyes almost roll back as he hits a certain spot inside me.

"That feels good? What do you say, when you want something?" You stupid idiot.

"You stupid-" I begin to say as his lips graze my nipple and his finger scissor and stretch me out further.

"One word, darling. Say it." And because I feel this knot inside me (and maybe this side of him turns me on, like a lot), I finally open my mouth to please him.

"Please, Mike. I-I need to-" My sentence is cut off as his fingers speed up and I moan loudly.

"Thats a good girl, you can be so good to me, if I make you." His lips search mine as I finally come. My breathing is heavy and when I come down from my high and look at his face, I see the satisfied expression.

"You are done-" I can't maintain my strict facial expression and suddenly have to start smiling. His eyes widen in surprise and I raise my eyebrows, still smiling softly.

"What?" I quietly laugh at his expression.

"Nothing, its just- I have never seen you smiling so happy." I roll my eyes gently. As I look at him closer now, I see the bulge in his pants and the loosened tie. As I lean forward, his eyes shift to my body.

"You still are fully clothed. A bit unfair, don't you think?" I watch him swallow and my hands move to his chest to slowly unbutton his shirt. As I also remove the tie and slip the shirt from his shoulders, I sit myself on his lap. Rocking my hips forward and seeing his eyes close. His hands move to my hips and begin to control the movements, my eyes close too and my head leans into the crook of his neck as the movements become faster.

Sighs and heavy breaths leave his lips and once again, one of his hands moves to grab my breasts, lightly grazing the nipples.

I look at him, noticing his swollen lips and his flushed cheeks. His hair is a mess and his forehead is furrowed, but he tries his best to pull himself together.

I groan as I look at him and suddenly think back to todays afternoon, when he was on a phone call and I heard how he listed one reciting fact after another, without any difficulty.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"N-nothing" I'm definitely too embarrassed to admit how much his intelligence and the way he seems to know everything, turns me on.

One of his hands moves to my entrance and teases me by just circling around it. When I try to push myself down, he pulls his fingers away.

"You tell me, whats going on in that pretty head of yours and you'll get me." My body feels so hot, I can't think properly anymore.

"You where on a phone call today and you just- you listed without any effort every single point that will help you win the case. You just said it like- it's nothing."

When his fingers dig into me again, I bite my lips. I try to control my moans and not pay attention to the fact, that I just gave him every opportunity to make him be more complacent than his usual self.

His fingers pump into me and I feel slightly overstimulated. But I wouldnt want to stop now.

"You get off by the thought of me, saying memorized facts? Who would have thought that my intelligence would turn you on so much." God, his ego probably doesn't fit in this apartment anymore.

"Don't think too highly of yourself, you still annoy me." Now I'm really just trying to get myself out of the situation. I lean towards him, so he can't say anything anymore and pull on his blonde hair to distract him.

Moans escape my lips and when I notice that his noises are also getting louder, I pull away from him. He looks at me confused.

"I want you inside me." Thats all I say, but he quickly complies with my request. I slide off his lap and wait for him to take off his pants and boxers until he's finally on top of me again. His fingers find my bottom lip and while maintaining eye contact, I open my mouth so he can insert a finger. My tongue brushes against his and after a few moments of him pressing on my tongue, he lets his fingers move back to the spot that needs him the most.

He stretches me for a few minutes until he finally guides his cock to my hole and slowly penetrates me. My eyes close and I hear his breath in my ear as he pushes further.

"You are so tight- good thing finally someone fucks you." I nod without thinking and hear his laughter in my ear.

"You think so too, huh. Would you let anyone fuck you then?" My stomach tenses, I feel the pleasure growing again and every movement of him. This feels so good-

I try to shake my head, but I'm too lost in the sensations to pay much attention to his words.

"No? But I thought, you hate me. Why would you let me fuck you, if you don´t even like me?" His thrusts become faster and more uncontrolled, I feel him getting closer to his own high.

"I-" I try to stutter "d-don´t hate you." I feel myself getting closer and reach into his hair, pulling at the roots and feeling his lips on my shoulder. His thrusts become more powerful and as he moves his hand and massages my clitoris, suddenly everything goes white in front of my eyes and I come.

I feel every inch inside of me, feel his fingers brush over the visible bulge in my stomach and think to myself: god I feel so full

When he comes too, I moan so loudly that it's impossible that my neighbors didn't hear me. His hand finds its way around my chin, he slides a finger into my mouth and I feel my vagina tighten because of it.

He hisses and his thrusts slow down until he finally pulls out of me, trying not to fall on top of me. As I give him some space next to me, he falls halfway on me, but pulls me on top of him in the next second and I can hear his strong heartbeat. With his outstretched hand he pulls the blanket over me, that had fallen to the floor.

We both try to catch our breath and as the minutes pass, only the wind outside is heard. He is the first to break the silence.

"So, you don't hate me?" I lift my head from his naked chest to look at him.

"Only sometimes." He shakes his head and smiles, gently stroking my back.

The evening went by quickly, we ordered a pizza and ate it (clothed) on the terrace. We were going over his documents for tomorrow, I blushed at the thought that this was the real reason he came here, but he just hugged me from behind after we finished and continued watching the stars.

It's not really clear what this evening means for us, but I don´t want to get into that, not yet. Because I'm not sure what it means anyway.

Because now, I have to get used to the fact that his voice no longer irritates me, that his jokes no longer annoy me and that he as a person, is actually not as bad as I imagined.

"Who thought, I was the one to get you relax."

But he is still a show-off.

#suits tv #mike ross #netflix #tv shows #x reader #fictional characters #smut #enemies to lovers #hate fuck

[writingoddess1125]

The Canary

Me and stupid shit again

Support on Ko-Fi, I'm poor

"Ah, 50k in debt for a linguistic degree you didnt get while working at a grocery store- Can't get any better then that!"

You had said that morning- Your sarcasm rolling off your tongue like a goddammit curse as you headed off to work.

And yet here you are now...

Your ass tied up on the floor of the grocery store while men armed to the teeth walked around talking- you felt oddly fortunate however, these guys were clearly grunts at the bottom of the food chain in terms of 'bad guys' hell they were speaking a language you had studied so you could pick up what they were saying as well.

You had been in the meat section when the explosion went off- The cow statue having saved your ass from being turned into a tube of ground beef, but now you were a hostage..

Greaattt.

"Hamil told us we needed the hostages, 6 of them exactly for this while they set up the explosives down the block.. we just gotta wait for the signal" The man said in the different language. You taking mental note of this-

You spot a little girl and her mother among your fellow hostages, your heart breaking at rhe sight as you saw the man approach her. Her mother clearly trying to undo her child's rope and get her to slip away down the aisle. However pausing when one of the men approached her and the girl.

"Hamil said Makarov gave us the clear so we could do as we pleased as we wait right?" The man said, one of his peers rolling his eyes in disgust and calling him dirty.

"Whatever we got some time to kill" He grumbled, beginning to undo his belt as he grabbed the screaming mother who was trying to shield her daughter away from the possible assault. You sitting up fully at this point and your brain going on autopilot.

"Woah Woah Woah Man! Got that weak of game you have to rape some Mom now?!" You yelled, the man pausing his actions. Tossing the sobbing women away from him and marching to you angrily fixing his belt-

"What did you say?" He hissed angrily flashing his gun at you. "I'll fuck your mother how about that-"

He said angrily, You took note of all the men now staring at you and not at the other hostages- Keeping them distracted... maybe enough for the little girl to slip away?

"I've already fucked your mom asshole- I have her saved as slip and slide on my phone" You say with a crooked grin- A few of the men snickering at your joke, Oh Fuck Yeah!

"What did you say!? Do you not see the situation you're in now?" He growled.

"Aww can't take a joke big guy? Come one gotta lighten it up somehow-" You see in your peripherals the girl slipping away as you chattered.

"Got a big mouth huh? Why don't we put it to use?" He chimed, you really wanting to turn this guy away from molesting you or anyone else.

"Listen it would be a waste of space- like if you throw a hotdog in a cave" You chimed, smiling as he looked ready to rip you apart but instead punched you across the face. OWWW!!

"Is it BDSM tuesday?.. Eh not doing it for me though big guy maybe rub your nipples and give me a wink?" You say, His friend who had called his dirty giving a hearty laugh at this.

The man glared down at you and spit in your face, clearly wanting to kill you in some way but needed you and the others for their plan. You pretended to taste it like a fine wine, Looking him in the eye.

"Oh?~ Cock flavored spit?- New Age?" You chimed making the man face red as a tomato in rage as his mate to the left laughed.

"Was this a little self yoga or did Unicorn overthrew give a hand?"

He smacked you with his pistol making you cry out-

Fuck that hurt!!

You defiently had a cracked bone somewhere in your face and the fresh taste of blood in your mouth didn't exactly help those feelings.

"Say something smart now!" He yelled angrily.

"A pistol whip!? What is this 1995? Give your balls a tug you tit fucker! Or are they so shriveled up you can't grab them?" You say with a smile, the man grabbing your collar and pressing the gun to your temple.

"I no longer care what Hamil wants! I'm killing this little bastard!" He screamed, you wincing at his breath.

"You can't! I don't want Makarov on my ass!" His peer yelled ready to pry him off you.

"Just put a sock in their mouth or something if they are bitching that much!"

"Well if you're gonna kill me so close a breath mint would be nice? You do realize Tiktacs aren't just a penis size right?" You chuckle nervously, you eyes catching a shadow moving behind the men now all staring at you. Their backs turned to the shadows.

"You know what- I'll shut up after one last joke? Eh?" You say nervously, The man yous been tormenting cocking his gun- you see a man silently stalk out, a skull mask covering his face as 4 others moved in perfect formation behind him.

"No more fucking jokes!" He yells, rage in his eyes.

"Okay- But I tried" You say cheerfully before closing your eyes. In seconds gunfire went off around you and quick screams surrounded you.

"Clear!" You hear sounded as you crack open your eye to take a peak.

"Holy fuck-" You sigh out and give a nervous laugh. Looking at the dead men now littering the ground as the soilders file into the area quickly-

The guy in the skullmask- The one who you spotted getting into position behind the guys comes to you and undoes the rope around your wrist in record time as the other men do the same to your fellow hostages.

"A medic will be here soon to check over your injuries" He said in a surprisingly deep voice- accident not lost on your either. He reached a hand down to either help you up or pick you up to extract you from the area.

You grab the man's vest quickly to stop him before he could, He stares at you hard in confusion.

"Listen, Those guys said that there were bombs down the block and were waiting for a signal. They have others- I can understand them and thwy said they followed someone name Hamil who talks to Makarov... I-Im a linguists and um.. can understand them" You say quickly, The masked man narrows his eyes at this and speaks into a radio on his side.

"We have info that more bombs are down the block- Scout the area and evacuate further" he said as he went back to helping you up. A quick thanks leaving your lips as you pulled off your work hoodie and passed it to the mother to cover her up.

The men escorting you out of the grocery store.

"Got to say, never seen a Canary get the best of those guys-" The Mohawk guy said with a smirk on his face, supporting a old man who clearly had a broken foot.

"Gotta use my gifts somehow- and Canary?" You shot back,

"Always fuckin' churpin" He said with a smile. A laugh now coming from you as you nod. Once outside the medics quickly swarmed all of you and prepared to take you all to the hospital.

You spot the masked guy again- Giving him a head nod. "Thank you Mr. Spooky!" You call out rather loudly- earning a amused glare from the man who rolled his eyes.

"....Your quips- Were... quite amusing.." He said calmly, You looking at the hardened man with a smile on your busted face- The others in his little boy band also cracking some smirks as they walked off finishing their jobs- which you assumed was down the block.

You give a bow of your head in a mildly dramatic flare. Wanting a shot and a nap at this point as the

"Glad my show went well"

Bonus!

- The little girl got out and went to the police that were waiting outside- explaining what you were doing and immediately getting checked over by medica

- TK141 had actually gotten to your location a little earlier then when you saw. However Soap had to stop everyone since he almost fell out at the cock flavored spit take.

- The whole team had been laughing on the inside or holding back laughter the whole time they heard you chirping at the men holding you hostage.

- The Nickname 'Mr. Spooky' will follow poor Ghost for the next few months-

#x reader #call of duty thoughts #call of duty ww2 #call of duty mw3 #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty #ghost cod #cod price #cod ghost #soap cod #cod mwii #cod x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x you #simon ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley

[kierongillen]

i have to know - as a disco elysium fan who didnt do disco, what would you say is essential disco listening for me?

I'm hugely behind on the asks, but I have to answer this one, because I'm going to answer a connected but completely different question, and then maybe then loop back to you. I'm just looking for an excuse to ramble, and do the writer equivalent of a warm-up sketch (i.e. waste time).

My apologies.

If you wake up and decide that you want to get into a whole genre of music, there's basically two tactics.

(There's also the "Why would anyone care to get into something they don't care about", which is one of the few things I have a "There's two sorts of people..." response to - those who when presented by something unknown either think "why should I know about that?" or "why don't I know about that?" I'm the latter, and it's served me well.)

The first tactic is simple.

Jump on a genre with Best Of in the title and follow your pleasure response. Here's a Spotify one. What interests you? What excited you? What makes you laugh? Probably explore more of that. If not, indulge widely, and see what sticks. At a glance, Disco playlists seem to have the problem of most playlists, in that strictly not everything on it is disco per se. For example, Dancing Queen strictly speaking isn't a disco song - but it's a song about disco, in every way. But if anything has found its way on a playlist, it's found its way on for a reason.

In your case, you're interested in what Disco resonates with Disco Elysium. Which I've bought for C, but not played, but I'm aware of in a "if I was still a games journalist, this is clearly one I would write a lot about." I spent years writing about Planescape Torment, and I know a spiritual successor when I see one.

This makes me think the area you want is basically the classier end - the big bleak emotions, the chilliness, the control, lonely on a dancefloor, lonely everywhere, oh-so-much cocaine, and - to steal Paul Lester's line - glass mountains on fire.

Which leads back to the second way of getting into a genre of music - which is to hit a major artist, and hit them hard.

When asked about "how shall I get into a band" my advice is actually the opposite of what I'm about to give. If you just want to get into a band, get Best Of, see what tracks you like, then go to the albums they're from. But if you're trying to get into a whole genre of music, that's a more serious endeavour, and may reward the opposite approach.

Basically pick a key album from a key band, and get into it, and grow from there. Read about the band - you don't need much, but a little helps. Learn how to listen to what their tracks do. And then you use that band as the single point of knowledge you have to orientate yourself to everything else you listen afterwarads.

There's a huge danger to this - basically, no-one is more ignorant than someone with a little knowledge. You have to be aware that you are the person who knows a bit about Boss Baby, and using that to get into things other than Boss Baby.

The strength is that it's a more holistic, lived in knowledge than just skimming the surface. You understand the music better as an artifact of their times, made by people, responding to their specific situation - which adds different flavours to your appreciation of it. Sure, your own response and how it finds a place in your life is always the thing which over-rules anything else - but the more you can listen for, the more you can hear, the more you can get from a work of art.

Anyway - I'm telling you to go and listen to Risque by Chic.

Chic are basically fucking awesome. If you don't know Disco at all, the opening Good Times chilly ironic take on American late-seventies culture is a great and (I suspect) Disco Elysium relevant intro. You'll know it as a sample, if nothing else, and the eight minutes version that opens Risque is a great way to think about it as both music for dancing (it is endless) and music for listening (it is boundless).

I got Risque as Paul Lester went to bat for it so hard in the Unknown Pleasures book the Maker stuck on the cover in 1995 (it was covering 20 albums that had fell out of the critical conversation, and it absolutely changed the dirction of my listening in the period). Here's Lester writing about Risque more recently for a taste, as the original piece doesn't appear to be online. I just read it in my copy, and it's a burst of love, describing it Disco as music about love - never sex, only love, and mainly love that is denied. That seems solid, at least for the best of chic.

Risque is the Chic album that Lloyd from Phonogram would have been listening to, certainly. I know I did.

(Plus At Last I Am Free from C'est Chic, obv)

There's a lot of Chic to listen to - their own work, especially in the period, and all their productions. Their work with Sister Sledge is of particular import - Lost In Music was one of the working title for Phonogram, and you can see and hear why. They're also the Disco band whose influence is perhaps most obvious in other bands. Everyone liked Chic. No Chic, no Orange Juice, no Orange Juice, no Smiths, etc.

Sister Sledge was the first live band I was at. My mum went to see them when she was eight and a half months pregnant. The temptration to say I'd have heard Lost in Music then and sold is tempting, but ahistorical - it's well before their work with Chic.

Anyway - get into Chic. It'll make your life better - and when your life isn't better, it's a superior context to lose yourself.

However, to go back to your question, as a Disco Elysium fan, I'm not sure it's actually THIS Disco you're looking for.

How about Disco Inferno?

Not Disco at all, but most like itself than anything else, which sounds like what I understand about Disco Elysium. right?

(DI Goes Pop is the starting place)

#Chic #Disco #disco elysium

[twinkletfout]

Rude boy —

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

Again. You are here again in this bar, where you enjoyed a little too much time here. You usually come here mostly on fridays. When you need to cool down from work stress. The red satin dress that hugged on to your body, pointed out each of your attractive curves. None of the men in this freaking bar didn't spark up your interest. But it was too much for them to hold back due to your pretty presence that they had to approach you themselves. Unfortunately for them, you always rejected them.

Then there was him, time seemed to slow down as he walked inside through the door as slow music with buzzed voices of strangers filled the bar. An unusual but handsome appearance showed up with a black compressed tee that drew out his sculpted body, with grey coloured wide legged pants. Looking up at his face, snowy white hairs falling over his cerulean eyes that are covered by shades. You knew at this moment that he was the one you were looking for.

As you brought down your cocktail on the table in front of you, you stood up and then walked up to that attractive figure, leaning on the counter as he mumbled his order to the bartender.

He quickly picked up the strange presence by his side as his ocean blue eyes fixated on yours before he tilted his face. You were the first to speak, “Want to dance?” Your voice didn't waver despite seeing a strikingly hot man in front you.

He was no longer looking at you, he eyed the glass that was slided towards him by the bartender. He brought it up towards his lips and said before taking a sip “I don't dance”

Taken aback by his response, you tried harder. “How about a drink?” You didn't care for his response before you called the bartender and told him about the drink and he went away to make it. An awkward silence creeped in between the both of you despite all the lively sounds of Tokyo.

The bartender slid the drink towards you and you slid it towards him who looked rather bored with you accompanying him. His eyes followed the drink before he looked up at your eyes that were already on his. “Would you believe me if I said I don't drink?” he said with a smirk growing on his face. You sarcastically smiled back at him, “I won't.” You said.

You followed his hands that slid the drink back towards you, “Well, I don't drink” he said still with that stupid smirk. One of your eyebrows rose up at his reply, you didn't waste no time before you grabbed the drink and downed it.

Your tongue did a ‘tch’ sound as you finished your drink. “Such a nice shot” he commented. Making you look up at him again before you slammed the glass on the counter. “Well, too bad for you.”

He didn't say anything more before he went back to sipping his own drink. Something about him made you want to pester him, maybe you had already fallen for his pretty charms?

“So, why are you here?” You tried to strike up a conversation after you ordered another drink and started sipping on it. “Why i wonder” still looking away, his hands wrapped on the glass that rests on the counter.

You already knew by the way he talked, he didn't care about you nor wanted to have some alone time with you tonight but you said it anyway, “So, wanna get outta here?” You made a final try only for him to say “Not interested” you were completely shut down with that. “Rude much?” You mumbled, hoping he didnt hear it at all.

You finally decided to leave and then walked away. After finishing with the drinks, you knew there was no point in staying any longer and you were already getting tipsy. While you made your way towards the exit, a warmth creeped around your waist, you turned around in a split second to see the white haired man who apparently rejected you some moments ago.

His large hands gripped tightly around your waists like it was always meant to be there. He pulled you closer to his body, as a smile grew on his face. “Leaving already?” He said casually like he wasnt the one who told you to fuck off. Not like actually but to you it was exactly like that.

He brought his other hand to remove his shades before he closed in towards your lips and kissed without a second thought. Your eyes widened with whatever that was happening right now. Your face is heating up with the intimate moment you were having with an insanely hot man.

He pulled away from your lips and then whispered in your ear “Let’s dance” and he put on his shades and took your hand and then brought you towards the area where people danced and kissed. He pulled you closer to his body, your back pressing against his chest as he held your arm while both of you swayed to the music.

One of his hands fixed on your hip that started to climb upwards slowly, towards your chest. He stretched out his hand making you do a spin that rolled up towards him as he grabbed on to your waist. You finally looked up at him as both danced to the faint music playing in the background.

But to your surprise, his attention was not at all on yours but to someone else in the crowd. You tilted your face to see who he was looking at when you switched your positions with him. You saw an extremely beautiful girl, blond hair, pale skinned like him, like a doll. An irritated frown plastered on her face, completely radiating jealousy.

Oh now, you knew what exactly was going on.

#jjk x y/n #jjk satoru #jjk fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #gojou satoru x reader #gojo #gojo satoru #satoru #satorugojo #jjk #jjk x reader #jjk gojo

[montimer]

Hi! I saw that you did Joker, Mad Hatter and Scarecrow accidentally hitting their S/O and I saw that you did them adopting a kid so can you combine it and do Mad Hatter, Riddler, Two-face and Scarecrow (seperated) accidentally hitting their adopted, young sidekick and the kid being scared of them for a moment beacuse the kid has past trauma? Like they were maybe angry talking to themselves and they accidentally di it? Take all the time you need and thank you!

Joker,Mad hatter,Two face,Scarecrow accidentally hitting there side kick

(Reader has trauma) gn!reader,angst. Im not sure how riddler would react sorry

Joker

Even his goons get scared of him when hes angry. Walking away,far away.

Not you tough, you believed he wont hurt you no matter how angry he gets.

"I mean can you believe that? He just had to be there to ruin everything! He has no idea how long it took me to plan all of this!"

You listen to him rambling. Going closer as you do so.

"Then of course he shows up and boom!" He motions w/ his hand, accidentally hitting you.

He was so angry he didnt notice first "And when i told you to get the gun, you got the empty one!" He yelled, not realizing what he did.

When he didnt heard you speak he looked back. You were backing away from him. Staying quite, tears forming in ur eyes.

He froze down, not knowing what to do. He forgot about the whole being mad thing. All he did was stare.

"Im so sorry Mr. Joker! I swear it won't happen again"

His chest started to hurt, he didn't like this feeling.

He doesn't even realize you left the room.

After this accident he'll be a bit more quiet. But once he realizes how to make it better he apologizes.

"Look,kiddo. Im sorry,, do you want something to make you feel better?" He smiles at you weakly.

"A hug" huh a hug?

He feels his little side kick giving him a strong big hug. He doesn't waste time to return it.

Mad hatter

He immediately realizes he hitten you. He quickly looks there w/ a worried face.

Hes heart breaks as he sees his little side kick trying to hold back there tears.

He tries to hug them, which scares them and they back away. Then run out of the room.

At this point hes crying, yelling out sorrys. He swears he didnt mean to hurt you!

He'll quietly go into ur room, he hears your hiccups and whimpers.

He sits down on the floor next to ur bed

"Would you like some tea, dear? Or anything else?" Does his presents makes you feel worse? Can he ever hear you forgiving him?

He looks up at you, surprised to find you staring back at him.

You jump to hug him. Hes too stunned, proceeding what happened.

Once he realizes he hugs you back.

"Oh im so happy you forgave me! Don't worry little one, this won't happen again!"

Scarecrow

He won't be able to speak. Just staring.

Oh of course something like this has to happen. Something that he sweared will never gonna happen.

He has no idea what to do other than whispering sorrys.

The next say he'll act very distant. Refusing to face you, to face reality. What if you hate him now? He won't have anyone in his life to care for.

You might just leave, it would be for the better. But no, you won't leave. You just can't leave the only person who had sympathy for you and took you in.

He'll be working on something, when suddenly he feels someone hug him from behind.

He'll immediately snap his head back. Reliefed to see that its just you. And somehow, he feels better,that you came back to him.

Two face

He'll feel guilty and surprised at first but he knows what to do.

Apologize, give some space, talk in a gentle voice.

So he approaches you slowly, calming you down.

He really tries to hide the fact that he feels guilty.

But you see right trough him, otherwise his apology would have felt like nothing.

You give him a hug as he tries to wipe ur tears away.

#joker #joker x reader #the joker #the joker x reader #mad hatter #mad hatter x reader #two face #two face x reader #scarecrow #scarecrow x reader

[kindness-and-friends]

//Heya. Mod here. I have good news and bad news

Good news is I'll be pretty blunt with the lore on the souls and stuff! Ask a question about it and I'll probably answer it

Bad news is this blog will be on hiatus :( ill finish the rps tho dw

To put it simply, drama and other projects I need to work on

To put it not simply (This shit is gonna be like a whole essay. Also i didnt proofread it cuz am lazy)

Reason 1: Drama- I honestly don't know what to feel. I started this blog thinking that i can interact with all the underblogs, whatever side they may be on. I kinda wanted this blog to be neutral because I was kinda inspired by underblog💛's. I enjoyed blogs like integrityvictim and such, and followed them (i went feral in some of the reblogs lol) completely aware they were against @/thehumanofjustice. Because I wanted this blog to be enjoyed and disliked by both sides. I wanted this blog to interact with both sides.

It started with incorrect pronouns. Then our small group of underblogs had a vote I wasn't involved in nor knew anything about and out of nowhere human is the 'leader' of the underblogverse. I never liked that idea and I expressed my feelings about it before. Luckily more people can join, but nobody has. I do like the concept of @/underblogmanagement, it's a way for people to interact with others and develop their blogs. But its too early. If anything it shouldn't be called that, it shouldn't have been introduced the way it was, and it shouldn't be made now. If we want to make something like this we have to make it bigger and have every single fucking underblog lend a hand.

I wanted to stop when I got the death threats. I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was a fan of the underblogs trolling, and it wasn't actual underblogs hating me. I still think it is. I also wanted to stop when the shipping got too bad. I didn't want this to be like @/undertaleolive that was known as nothing more than being Clover's 'girlfriend'. I don't get as much asks as I used to, and I know the lot of them are from thehumanofjustice or deputyclover (im not dumb.) The only time this blog can be serious is when I make it serious. I chose to let the anons kill Willow so it could be serious. I chose to let Clover kill Willow so it could be serious. I chose to give Willow those hallucinations and give Xeon a concussion so for once this blog wouldn't just be meme asks and roleplays with close friends of mine. I feel limited.

I think underblogmanagement is dumb. I think this rivalry is dumb. I think this blog is dumb. I think the creation of a whole new tag is dumb. I think the fact that only a portion of human's friends and followers is what makes up my follower count is dumb.

I wanted to be an underblog💛 with a story, not whatever the fuck I am now

Reason 2: Other projects - I'm giving the majority of my focus and motivation on this blog. Any motivation and creativity I have for art and writing gets thrown into here with no recognition. I have other things I need to place my focus on. As @/infinitrix, may know, I haven't updated my askblog in 2 months. Instead of drawing art for that blog, I'm drawing art for this one (only to get like 2 notes). Instead of writing dialogue and lore for that one, I'm writing it for this. If the only people who'll actually see what I post are my friends, I think this blog is nothing more than a waste of motivation. I need to focus on other things, and always worrying whether I have rps to finish or art to make isn't helping at all. The majority of art requests on my main are about this blog, too, and I want to work on art that isn't related to this. The only blogs whose lore I enjoy and would like to know more of are Whisper's, Winnie's, and maybe more that i don't interact with. I do think that if there's only a few people really trying to make their blog interesting while the rest is just shits and giggles, it's useless. I put together lore and relationships and art, and it hardly gets any notes. I can say the same for @/apatientwind who makes amazing art that doesn't get notes, and @/whisper-the-human (im eating your writing style ourgh. Keep up the good work :3). And yeah. Im giving up

I'll finish the last two rps I'm in and then leave. Don't try to start any new ones, I wanna make this quick

So I will finish what's unfinished, and possibly this will become a blog to ask about the lore. Maybe one day, when I figure everything out and have more motivation, I'll get back to this. But that won't be soon.

Ill be active on @goldeneclipsee if there are actually fans out there that arent my friends and moots.

Bye.

#long post #I'm staring at this like. 'Did I really do this? Is this finally the end?' #I'm scared for when human sees this doe

[errintheimmp]

Fresh new start \Vox!xFem!reader\

vox x fem!reader

tw; Smut, lemon, use of tongue (fem receiving), strong language, s3x

Pink= thoughts of Y/N

blue = Vox

purple = Velvette

Red = Val

My first post on this. I had it written for a little over 3 weeks. I hope u Enjoy it.

background:

I am the illegitimate child of the Goetia family , after I were born my mother fled the Pride ring to the Greed ring. Fast forward, I was 20 years old and got a job opportunity with the 3 V's as one of Velvette's models to start out with. My mother doesn't want me to go mostly for safety (and the fact that your father hasn't sent his spell book yet). But I had to take this opportunity, if I didn't I don't know when this will come back. Not only that, I would get to work with Vox. One of the 3 V's in the tower, I heard that he was a very serious person when it comes to business. But he is also very sweet to the people he wants. He got Velvette to look at me for her modeling gigs. But regardless I took this position and started to pack my bags, I didn't want to stay in hiding just because of what my parents did. A few days after, I went to the train station to get a one way ticket to the pride ring.

Story:

I got off the train with a sense of relief but also a sense of fear. A fear that you picked to wrong choice, that I should have stayed in Greed. But I cant look back, right now this is for me. I took a deep breath and past through the gates of the Pride ring. I got scanned in and made my way to the load off for my luggage. my phone starts ringing and its mom, she just want to make sure that I made it safely.

After I grabbed my things, I went off to my assigned apartment that Velvette got me. Its pretty close to the V's so I don't need to make a massive commute. after I got settled in, I heard a knock on the door. Its Velvette.

" Hey Y/N! Look I know you just got here but you neeeed to come with me. I have a show to get done and one of my models got torn to pieces; And my replacement just went MIA!"

" Oh ummm ok......I just need to..."

"Not now Y/N! Get your feathered ass in here now!"

I didn't want to disappoint her, let alone piss her off. So I scrambled to find my sweater and ran out of the apartment. Thank christ on a stick that I made it cuz everything is chaos.

" Damn this is a hot mess.."

People are throwing clothes on racks and tables, Models are getting into the dresses for the show, and people are arriving. it was a mess. but along the mess you spot a familiar looking person in the crowd.

"Is that Vox?"

Velvette responded, " Yeah, That flat faced prince comes to my shows sometimes. But he only does just to bitch about his time being wasted. He is a tool."

" There has to be a reason as to why he is here."

V: " I dont know, but there is a show thats needs to happen. So hurry up!!"

I got to my station put on the first dress that is due to go out. Even though I am the 4th person out, I still felt nervous. I have never modeled before. ( i should have said that before i got here, but thems the brakes). But most of the nerves isn't just from not modeling before, it also cuz of Vox. I've heard that he is one of the most curt but charming out of all the Vs.

Then lights dimmed and the music started playing, models started coming out one by one with V's designs. Even though V claimed that he didnt want to be here, he is paying attention. Almost as if he is looking for someone. Before I could process, I had to walk.

I walked out in a solid red dress with a sweetheart neck line, with black mesh cut outs on the sides. Its cute but not something I normally wear. I took a glimpse of the sides as I was walking down, camera flashes with whispers of complements.

"She is really pretty...maybe i could sign her on."

" If that dress was on anyone else, it would not sell"

" I cant take pictures with all these flashes :| "

The my eye came across the flat prince's face and ........he froze. His eyes followed me as if he never seen a woman before. I got to the end, turned around and went back stage.

V: " That was pretty good. since this is your first show I'm not gonna let you do multiple rows until your 3rd show. Got that?"

I shook my head yes and got ready to head upstairs to meet the rest of the Vs.

2 1/2 hours later;

I went upstairs with Velvette with a few dresses in my hand. Neither of us said anything throughout the elevator ride, it was more like a comfortable silence. We got up to the penthouse of the tower were Val and Vox were waiting.

Val; " AH yes. you must be Y/N? Correct?"

"Yes hello. Its an honor to be in your presence."

Val; " I like her....she knows her place here...."

'Nah I just don't want a moth man to be mad and blowing smoke up my ass...'

" Hello, Its and hon...."

"You dont have to say that to me. Just call me Vox."

" oh ok."

" I saw you in the show earlier today. You did pretty well. And you were very pretty."

" Thank you..."

There was a moment of silence for a little bit. Every time I try looking at Vox, he would quickly look away. Almost as if he was avoiding something.

"All right, you go back downstairs and pick up the rest of the makeup. I'll get Moth boi and Flat prince to get some more show times."

I shook my head and did as I was told. I cleaned up the aftereffects of the show and put up the designs that were not used. It took a while, but it was finally done. I went back upstairs to see if Velvette had anything else but I bummed into Vox instead.

" Oh hi, I didn't mean to stop you like this."

" No no it's my fault I was paying attention. I am assuming you are looking for Velvette."

" Yes. I dont know if she had anything else...."

" Well she is busy rn so I'll take you to complete a few projects."

I got a little excited, ME?! with Vox?!?! How? And am I technically Velvette's model?! Who cares! I am with this charming man for a few hours.....THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!!!!!

" This is my office, I want you to file these patents for me. Once that's done i'll be at my desk to give you anything else."

" oh ok..."

" great my idea of fun does not have filing cabinets in it...." *

Disappointed, I got to work with these stupid patents. After a while, it became more peaceful and I got into a nice flow. Fast forward 4 hours, I was almost done I just needed the last 2 packets. I went over to Voxs' desk to see him face down moaning to himself. with no time to think, i turned him over to see if he is ok.......He was fine he was just slightly drunk.

"for a grown man he sure is a lightweight..." *

" Sir are you ok? how long have you been at your desk like this?"

" Hi...I thought you weeerreeee gone for tthee......*hiccup*...day"

" No I still have about 2 more to do"

" You can doo..that laterrr....for now...i want to cuddle....."

Did he just say cuddle?!

" Im ok with that, as long as you are not putting people and yourself in danger."

"ok"

He smiled at me, like the genuine smile you give when you haven't seen someone in a long time. I took his hand and pulled him to the couch, as we sat down he topled over into my lap. A little superised, i just stroked his back. This last for a little bit until he sat and asked me something....

" Can I kiss you? I have been waiting to ask that since you got here."

I blushed, Even though he was drunk he still was nice to me. I love what he does and how he conducts himself too. But the biggest deal for me was that I felt safe. I don't feel creeped out like with Val, nor feel stressed out like with Velvette. I was chaotic, hot, and nervous.

" yes you can"

Vox reached out his hand to stroke my face, he leaned in and kissed me. He moved his hand from my cheek to the back of my head. I leaned into the kiss a little bit more, putting my hands on his chest. He breathed heavily in my ear as we leaned in closer. I pushed his boetie off of his neck along with his white shirt.

" I don't think the couch is the best place for this.."

Vox took my hand and lead me to his bed across the way. He sat me down and kissed my neck all over. I let out a small moan as he continued. He wrapped his arms around me holding me, as if he doesn't want to let go. I slowly went to take of his suit jacket, exposing his back and shoulders.

" Please contiue.....I haven't felt this way in a long time.."

My heart skipped a beat...my hands were getting a little shaky as I started to hold his face....

" Can I take off your belt?"

Vox face went all different shades of red. He shook his head yes, so I did as he wanted. At this point, his length was bursting it wanted to leave its domestic prison. I leaned a little more into him, at this point I was on top of him. Heart pounding, mind racing, breath getting more frantic. He then started to un-do the blouse I had, exposing the brown lace bra underneath. He looked up at me, and kissed me as has took of the shirt letting it fall to the floor.

" Do you want to go all the way?"

" Yes, with you, Yes"

After I gave him the ok, he rolled on top of me. taking my shirt with it. I don't know how but he did, He then slowly when down and kissed my inner thighs. I was shaking with anticapation, I want him to stick his touge inside me....to taste me. He put his hand over my lower belly and slighty pressing me down. He made his way inside, I let out a small moan as he ate, I could feel him painting my insides. he then moved to the top humming as he went. I tighen my legs around his head but he kept going, Vox hummed faster. Making sure he pumped he with his fingers. Twist and turns, I could feel myself about the come....

" PlEaSe!"

" What do you say? be a good girl..."

" Please, I want you inside me...."

Without another word, he slid his length out of its prison and put it inside me. The pain went as quickly as it came. He continued to pump himself into me. I was gripping the couch begging him to go faster. His pacing became less steading and more like his breathing, erratic.

"Fuuck.."

"I cant keep this uup...ffor too long.."

I could feel him throbbing inside, I could feel that he was close. But I wanted him to keep going. I felt my walls gripping him even harder and i know he could feel it too.

Then his pace picked up even harder and faster. In the middle of it all he ripped off my bra to get a better look at me. When it was off, he look down on me. Admiring his baby girl, he gave a small smile while saying..

"I love you....I love you so much please come with me"

" I love you too, i would love too"

He quickly bend down to held me, I wrapped my arms and legs around him. As he wrapped his arms around me, we both let out a soft moan into each other. I slowly released and sprawled out on the bed. He pulled out and fell beside me, we were still riding the high that we had for each other. I turned to look at him with a gentle smile..

" Can we do this again? I really enjoyed doing this with you.....with no Val."

Vox chuckled, " He wont now...He has his own stuff to worry about. And yes we can do this as long as we like.."

Thanks for Reading, this is my first fan fic. that I was able to post. I hope you like it. I may even to more with other characters.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel vox #vox hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel velvette #lemon #female #fem!reader #ars goetia #helluva boss goetia #helluva boss #hellaverse #so hot 🔥🔥🔥 #consent

[harringrovsonsworld]

Jason Carver SFW Alphabet

I was struggling with my kas eddie thing so i decided to take a break and do something for Carver. i know hes an asshole but i do have a soft spot for him. his death was bs and he was clearly in need of help that he didnt get. a terrible waste that he went from the pep rally high to dead in a serial killers attic in less than a week.

anyways long post under the cut

Edit : I forgot j like an idiot fool.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

I've gotta be honest. Jason comes across as a shallow air head. The basketball equivalent of sharpee from highschool musical. BUT if any of yall have seen sharpee’s stand alone show/movie thing you'll know she's not quite as shallow as people make her out to be. Jason's affection is like that. He seems at first blush to be a cool guy but you can't think of anyone who’d put them as their emergency contact. Their first call when shit hits the fan. Then you get to know him away from his meat head friends, he can be quite genuine. I don't think he has the forethought to do this on purpose, but he can be very unintentionally sweet and soft with his words. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He's a very hands on best friend, especially if it came to a shared hobby like basketball, hiking or swim team. I think he’d have a hard time with stuff he doesn't like, to pick a completely random example, someone who likes DnD. He can be pretty dismissive of ‘that nerd shit’ whatever that might be, it's less out of meanspiritedness and more wanting you to fit in so you can still hang out without damaging his cred. Maybe not the most noble of ideas but it comes from a good place and you have to remember, he is only 18.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

If you were alone or in a more closed off setting, yes I imagine he would like to cuddle. I can see Jason having a pastor dad who probably wasn't the most outwardly loving. He’s maybe a little cuddle starved. He seems like he'd be the type to throw his arm around your shoulder whenever he could, put his head in your lap or hold your hand in church. I don't think he's the type for spooning, probably not allowed to bring anyone home with him, but he might fall asleep against your shoulder while you watch a movie. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

I struggled with this one. Jason gives me very white upper class traditional roles sort of vibes. He absolutely wants to get married, in fact i think he’s the type to be planning his dream wedding and dream spouse for years in advance. But I also think he sees himself as the stereotypical man in the relationship. He's expecting to marry someone who’ll be a homemaker while he goes off to work, maybe follow in his fathers footsteps. Bit of internalised misogyny/ toxic masculinity i think. His parents would certainly expect him to do chores when he was younger, but it was on sufferance and it's stopped now he has to focus on college (maybe a basketball scholarship?) He's never learned to cook or clean for himself, even for the pleasure of making food only he wants. If you're into the whole, trad wife/ husband/ spouse thing, maybe this could work out. If not you're going to need to make that clear because jason has a hard time reading sarcasm  

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Say what you will about Carver in season 4, he knows how to be a gentleman to his partners. He’d take you on a date to say goodbye and try his level best to go on good terms. I imagine you'd have to do something pretty egregious to force his hand but I can also see him being told you're not the right partner for him by his parents, then twisting his arm. It's pretty clear that if Chrissy had survived she was going to dump Jason and if Chrissy was an 8 out of 10 on the Jason pain scale, you're an 11. All that to say, oh boy is he going to take that hard. His friends might try to cheer him up with some sort of superficial lads night out but let's be real, there's only so long you can hang around someone miserable who won't cheer up. He's going to go hide in some sort of teenage angst misery pit listening to the 80s equivalent of Linkin park's Numb.  

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Oh hell yes. Jason is so excited about being someone's husband. He loves partying, every teenager does, but he is so excited to settle down with his best friend and build a life with them. He seems the type to give out promise rings, like “we’ll be together when college is done” sort of thing. I imagine he’d want a decent engagement period, mostly so there's enough time to coordinate the wedding and organise it between your two families and pick the right date. I think he’d want a fall wedding, kids soon after so they are born in the spring/summer. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

I think what we see of him with a bad temper and even worse intentions is Jason at his absolute lowest. A snapshot of him at his worst possible moment and it shouldn't be taken as normal. He’s kind of jockish, physically rough and emotionally immature and I honestly don't think he’ll get that much better. He might mellow with age, get rid of all that nervous energy that seems to follow him about. And I doubt that boisterous playfulness will last forever too, so he will probably not be as rough and tumble by the time he's finished college.  I'm not saying you have to parent him but he does seem to need an actual adult to point him in the direction of maturity, talking through his problems instead of taking the huff or just letting things fester. 

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

I'd say so, yes he's a fan of hugs. He likes those little dancy swaying hugs you get when someone completely wraps their arms around you. I canon Jason as autistic so he likes the pressure and grounding effect they have. His hugs are wrapped a little too tight and he's just a little too into it. He definitely gets teased by his basketball buddies for how many hugs he gives you. 

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

I imagine Jason has been taught to never say that unless he really means it. Brought up to think if you say you love someone, it means you're going to marry them and we all know how important that is to jason. For that reason I imagine he’d be really really slow to say it. He’ll have been thinking about it for a long time, mentally adding it to the end of his conversations with you. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He's not huffy so much as he is oh woe is me. Spirals a bit into self loathing when he thinks you have something better than him. Sometimes he goes a bit over board trying to prove he deserves you, trying to earn you back even though you're still with him and don't intend to leave.

He needs Therapy and a confidence boost.

Kinda chaste, short and sweet. He's not the makeout type normally, mostly just a quick peck on the cheek in the morning before class, a quick goodbye when he drops you home. He likes to kiss cheeks and hands and shoulders. I think he likes to have his neck and jaw kissed. He seems like he's ticklish, might devolve into a giggling fit if you blew a raspberry on his neck. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Hmm judging by his behaviour his parents seem a little absent . I'm betting like most boys in Hawkins he didn't exactly have a good male role model for fatherhood. I imagine he has a sort of idealised version of parenthood in his head that doesn't exactly line up with reality. He likes kids how he sees them in his head, having fun sitting with his daughter having a tea party, and teaching his son how to play ball. I don't think he's thought about all the late night feedings and nappy changing and wiping snotty noses. He's good with calm and fun kids but he has no clue how to deal with a fussy, scared or crying child. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Jason is a fitness nut, not to mention his strict parents. He's up at the crack of dawn for church and a morning run, maybe doing laps in the pool before class. He's perfectly happy to let you lie on until he's done but he's the kind of annoying morning person who wants you to come with him and have fun. He likes to go out for breakfast dates. Actually he likes pancakes and waffles so much he could give el a run for her money. He'd have breakfast for dinner if he thought he could get away with it. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Jason isn't failing any classes but that's mostly due to the fact he spends every moment he's not practising basketball and at church doing work. He doesn't really care too much about his grades, he's banking a lot on a free ride to a sporty college, he just doesn't want to incur his parents wrath and complaints of being a disappointment. He usually falls asleep with his nose in a boring book, maybe with you on the opposite sofa waiting for him to finish his work so you can go grab dinner. He's up at the crack of dawn most days so he's an early to bed sort. Doesn't mean he can't pull the occasional all-nighter for exams or victory parties. 

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

I think Jason is a nervous talker. He’ll info-dump about himself to just fill the silence. It’s all true stuff but it's just a constant stream of consciousness, rambling and going too fast for you to really take in. I imagine once he's past that initial awkwardness and the butterflies have calmed down, he’ll let a steady stream of things about himself be slowly revealed. For all his anxieties he's not super shy, does not hide things about himself and always caves when pressed. He’s not super deep, it's what you see is what you get with Jason 99% of the time. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s pretty average. I think he has a hard time putting himself in other people's shoes a lot of the time, unless it's something he's experienced. Stuff he knows well he’s got a lot of patience for, things he doesn't understand get a lot of “why can't you just do X” or “c'mon Y cant be that hard” he doesn't get angry easily but he does get annoyed, exasperated even. He's a serial problem sorter by which I mean he says the phrase “do you want me to deal with Z for you” rather than just listening or letting you solve the thing on your own time. 

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Jason is a lot like steve. He’s not stupid even if he isnt that book smart. He remembers a lot of little details and nuances and then does something daft like forget your anniversary. He's a little absent minded when he's focused on other things  but he is good at making it up to you. 

R = Remember (What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

I mentioned above he doesn't remember big things even though youd think theyd be easier to remember. He's a bit of a romantic at heart: maybe something like meeting eyes across the carpark or hearing your cheer over the crowd when he scored the winning point at a game. 

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

After Chrissy left him for someone he thought of as inferior, Jason sort of developed a bit of a complex. He’s a little jealous but more in a sulky passive aggressive way than an outright hostile and accusatory way. When he knows he's upset you he gets pretty melancholic and self pitying “oh woe is me, this is why chrissy left me, i get it now you should leave me too for someone better” that kind of thing. For all his bravado he seems like he has a somewhat low opinion of himself outside of basketball and even that might be taken away from him if he survived the earthquake/upside down of Hawkins with injuries. He doesn't like to be physically protected, he'd rather fight his own battles. But I imagine he might like to have things sugar coated, no harsh truths or telling it like it is. Sometimes you need those harsh truths though so maybe protect him from taking it too hard? Just be gentle with him is what i'm saying.

Assuming he’s still able bodied after the whole, vecna incident, he’d definitely go to bat for you. If not, well he's not particularly cutting, quick or sharp witted. I think he might defend you with somewhat empty threats. But know this, able or not his team still has his back and by extension yours. One dude on crutches isn't much of a threat, but an entire varsity basketball team who wants to kick your ass is a pretty big deterrent to anyone who might mess with you. Less scary dog privilege and more scary wolf pack privilege.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Jason is sort of one note with his effort. He picks stereotypical date ideas, gifts and so on: flowers, chocolates etc. He doesn't do it intentionally, that's just what he assumes girls/guys/nb partners are meant to like. Wining and dining people are really the only string to his bow at the start, it's all he's been taught.  Like I said, he's a romantic so once he finds out more about you he’d try to bring those things into his dates. He loves aquarium dates, one of his special interests is sharks and sea life. I think he’d love it if you took him and just let him ramble for a few hours about jellyfish and deep sea creatures. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

He's got a habit of making things quite grandiose. He tends to blow things out of proportion, like good is great and bad is the worst. He's got a habit of giving lectures and speeches and so on. He can be quick tempered but it's usually just as quick to fade. I really put a lot of this down to immaturity. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

It's not his top priority, but he likes to look good for you, you know? Always showers in the morning and after practice at night, wears some nice but subtle cologne and keeps his hair

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

I don't think Jason as we know him has enough emotional complexity to put any thought towards the concept of completeness. He doesn't really get the concept of another half to make him whole in anything other than a religious sense. Maybe when he meets you it'll be the catalyst to realise he did feel like he was missing something and just never noticed it until now. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

As I mentioned, i canon jason as autistic and absolutely adores sharks. I imagine his room is a mix of basketball trophies, photos from church and sea life stuff. He's got shark posters, ocean themed bedspread, a starfish lamp and maybe some sea world plushies on his bed. Lots of calming blues with a sand coloured carpet. Maybe he has an ocean themed music box from his childhood that he keeps by his bed. I can also see him with one of those jellyfish ceiling light covers. His room is hella childish but it's his and he doesn't want to change it. His dad probably hates it but his mom is just happy he's not trying to grow up too fast. Not like anyone has ever seen his room because he isn't allowed to bring partners back and his friends only want to see his pool and wine fridge. 

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He's kinda squeamish. I imagine if he had a partner with a uterus he’d get squicked out by blood from periods or childbirth. He’s not going to make it your problem but he has absolutely fainted when he saw someone get a nose bleed so maybe be careful around him during that time of the month. I think he might find spitting or smoking a deal breaker too. He's sort of a  “my body is a temple” type. Drinking is fine but he draws the line at drugs, even weed. He doesn't have THAT much of a problem with other people doing it but you aren't just any old person so i can see it being a point of contention. 

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Jason sleeps like a baby, all swaddled up in his blankets. He is a blanket thief and will literally pull you off the bed if it means pulling the covers towards himself. He does snore a little but is absolutely adamant he doesn't. Once he finally has his blankets he sleeps like a corpse: can't be woken by anything except his alarm and doesn't move a muscle for hours at a time, no tossing or turning and if it wasn't for the snoring you might not even think he’s breathing. 

i didnt intend to write for jason a lot but this was fun. if you wana talk more about jason hmu.

ao3 link is here

#jason carver #stranger things #sfw alphabet #headcanons #my headcanons #jason carver headcanons #jason carver x reader #jason carver x y/n #jason carver imagine

[fuck-off-im-ace]

Hey really like reading your thoughts on WN :)

Im sorry to intrude but I’m wondering how did you watch season2? Did you watch it without knowing anything or you got spoilers from tumblr about the kiss? I really tried my best to stay off tumblr for 2-3 days lol and it’s freaking hard!!!

The team were really hyping it up on their social media about the ‘will they won’t they’ with so much hints for the canon avatrice!! but i was really not expected to see the kiss in e8!!! We learned to have low expectations so that we don’t disappoint. But man oh man I was so happy already in ep5 with that moment of Ava’s near/ death and they share that eye-gaze like in s1 my heart melted. Then the kiss came my heart exploded!!! Everything leading up to that scene was so beautiful!

I wish that this show is something that got ordered for 4-5 seasons in advance so the writers get more room to give us more slow burn. But let’s hope for renewal of season3.

I wish that Mary would have come back (sister Dora entrance wouldve been perfectly if it was Mary!!! I was watching it on my small screen phone so I couldn’t see clearly at first if it was Mary I was happy for a few seconds :( only to be disappointed when she said she’s sister Dora). And they kinda did dirty on Lilith. Make it a complete waste of her redemption at the end of s1!!!

Anyways thanks for reading sorry again

Hi @justanotheruntitled04!

First off, you're not intruding at all, always very happy to talk about warrior nun with people!!

I watched the show completly spoiler free! I blocked all the tags i could think of (it was a big ass list) just to be sure, and watched it on thursday during the afternoon, so not a lot of people had the time to watch and post about it. Feeling very lucky for that one, i was glad to be spoiler free!

And i have no idea why, but i knew they were gonna kiss. They built it enough in social media, and i have watched and read a bit of interview of the crew, they know what they're doing. They didnt come to mess around with queer people. They wanted to do good. So when they started hyping up Avatrice, and Kristina talked about knowing which episode would be the fan favorite, i knew we were getting a kiss. But i think that just made the watch even more interesting, cause for the whole show i was just waiting for it to happen!! When they're dancing in the bar, when they're talking in their appartement, when they were just staring at each other tenderly, i was Screaming at my screen for them to kiss.

And same, i think the show is well made for a 3 seasons arc, so i hope we do get another one. They set it up real well with that "there is a divine war coming", and i hope we get to see that!

I know what you mean for Mary, she was one of my favorite characters. I don't know what happened, know she wasnt in s2 for personnal reason so they had to work around what they already had. One thing i love is that we had no body, and no real confirmation of it? Vincent said it to Lilith, but if she wanted to come back for a third season, it would be super easy to write her in! Maybe she was in hiding, maybe Adriel kept her prisonner, maybe some random person found her and for all of s2 she was slowly healing, for real it would be super easy to just figure out something, so i am keeping hope for that, even tho i probably shouldnt.

As for the Lilith storyline, i have so many thoughts. I am currently working on a post, cause there is A Lot to unpack (and by working on it i mean i have been thinking about making one) and i, personnally, really like where they are taking her. I was disapointed at first, cause i love a (morally) good demon, but i think i know what they wanna do with her and yeah anyway i have thoughts that i will eventually share, maybe, if i get around to actually do it and people have an interest in that.

And no need to apologise for writing! I would keep my ask closed if i had a problem with it, i think its a real fun way to bounce thoughts off each other and developp a thought process and a fandom! So yeah, thanks for the ask!

[borderline-vents]

//fp issues, v light mention of sh/suicidal thoughts, extreme splitting idk

been having the worst fucking time .am graduating soon . the senior party we'regoing to a theme park. decided oh my gods . I've never been to one before .i want so fucking badly to go w/ my fp(who graduated last year) i start daydreaming im on a high im so fucking happy and excited. i sign up . then i find out i cant bring my fp . start breaking down. complain to my mother . she says 'i see I'm not enough for you. ok.' because idk me saying i want to make memories with my friend at a theme park means shes a failure of a mother? idk. shes like that. my fp calls and im upset. i explain the situation to her and almost start crying. (i was crying but not audibly) im so fucking miserable . she says ok ill ask my stepdad to help. im out here crashing hard so miserable everything is pointless maybe i should kill myself to make the organizers regret not letting me bring her. any ways the stepfather says ok so fp needs 2 get a license and a car and drive 6 hrs , or get a plane, but it's possible . he gets off call. (fuck im still on call with her and her attempts to comfort me are making me split hard . im apathy rn shes saying 'im not leaving u alone when ur sad'im not sad im not anything. im transmasc and she asked if i was having a girlboss moment bc mental health or whatever. 'i can tell youre upset about it' shut up shut up shut up) she says she doesn't want to drive all the way there and a plane would be miserable and she doesnt like theme parks anyways. well now i dont care abt anything. she didnt even want to go she wouldn't even be happy. it wouldn't even be worth it it doesn't matter cuz she doesn't wanna go so now i don't care. its pointless. i want to go because its something to do and it sounds like a nice break from my family but its not gonna be a magical memorable day it never would be because my daydreaming about making jokes on the carousel or admiring the view together on the ferris wheel or winning her a prize are all stupid and pointless. i was an idiot to hope and even stupider to think that anyone would make it happen. im empty rn i don't care really. its been a rollercoaster(hah) of being on top of the world because things would be perfect to being severely depressed because this is pointless and won't work to oh. it didn't matter in the first place. it was never going to be special. it never will be. if i went with my fp and everything was perfect together she wouldn't be comfortable so it's all worthless anyways. she should cancel her trip to see me its a waste of her time and money shes got better things to do and i should go [various sh/suicidal things] . this fucking sucks and im stuck wobbling between apathy and misery and that joy is dead. if i hurt ill at least feel something and ill deserve it. she doesn't even want to go

.

#borderline vent #fp vent #tw sh #tw self harm #tw suicide

[indigo474]

Today's work load and other stuff

Today i basically had to just be there.. i didnt do much.. cleaned off my desk, caught up on emails. Drew gets on my very last nerve. Like dude.. focus on the mess you got going on in your department. one of my reps stops taking calls 5 minutes before shes due to log out. she also takes the most calls on my team and is a good worker.. but every time Drew works he focuses on her and her times.. i get an email with a screen shot saying remind me to discuss.. he bothers me. nothing i can do about it. I got fillers in my face and now my face hurts and its swollen and i can see why people over due it although its uncomfortable. Not something i ever thought i'd do.. but here i am. i feel like i live my karma every day. i was a shitty person.i understand why i acted the way i did.. as much as i can understand. I owe my kids an apology. sooner or later the truth comes out. who am i to say what people deserve or dont deserve. I think eventually the truth comes out and people have to face their own shit. who really knows. i do know i am looking forward to Thanksgiving in my new home. i'm looking forward to my first 5 k.. yikes.. i tried my best to run on the treadmill.. i didnt do too good. i have big feelings. about everything, all the time. at the same time, i don't really give a fuck about much. i do, but i dont. i don't understand why there isnt outrage over the fact that our food in genetically engineered and our water is poisoned. most people i come across have no sense of self awareness.. none. someone was telling me they got some sort of chicken that wasnt real chicken.. they saw something about it on the news.. everything is weird and i'm starting to think maybe i need to take a dose of mushrooms to process what is going on in the world. i don't even know what is going.. i haven't watched tv in 5 years so who knows what kind of crap is being pushed down peoples throats. I did see a Chris Christie for President commercial tonight at the gym. I despise the man. there is no way he will ever be President.. ever. why is he even wasting his time. enough of me and my big feelings.

[thegeminisage]

doing some more zelda. my goal today is to fight kohga but i can't resist grabbing a few more korok seeds while i'm here. farosh flies SO close here, it's really tempting to go up and get another dragon part, but i don't wanna lose focus again...

the other reason i wanna get the korok seeds is that there's a hudson sign along the path. i think i have only 9 left! it would be nice to get them all.

also, i'm sort of working ym way down towards the labyrinth - i only have one left, so it'd be nice to do all those too. but UGH, more hands...maybe today, but maybe i'll save it for after pikmin lol

love and light. i really hate having mineru along. i hate to turn her off because i like all the help i can get in fights but like...she gets in my way in fights! she's constantly trying to be close to me so i can hop on her back, but the problem is if i accidentally activate sidon or riju or whoever it's nbd, it's just annoying, but if i accidentally activate mineru i'm up on a fucking mech when i was in the middle of trying to flurry rush or whatever, i hate itbut she's gotta go. sorry mineru :(

ok, the three big things i wanted (aside from all shrines, which will not be possible) were kohga, the labyrinth, and the hudson signs.

i have 7 signs remaining...not too many, and 4 are very close to each other out near hyrule ridge/satori mountain, but the others are in the highlands and blegh. also i'd be crossing some hands to get there

i spoiled myself for kohga by looking up a walkthru. apparently he has FOUR locations?? jumping around everywhere smh lol. if i go the long way i get a lot of depths exploration in, and if i go the short way i get to see what became of the old yiga hideout. also it helps since i'm pressed for time

meanwhile, i know there's hands in this labyrinth, but i'm pretty close to it relatively speaking and i could snag some seeds on the way from the mountain between me and it........

sigh. labyrinth it is

yo wait wasn't this mountain SNOWY in the last game?? now it's all hot and deserty.......that's so wild lol

h!! i found an underpants guy

oh, no, wait, this is an endurance contest minigame thing! im gonna see if i can cheat with food lol

LMAOOO i dont even need food. i can wear my trusty ruby rod

oh boy this is gonna take forever. im BOOOOORED

i wish the view from up here was better. at least then i'd have something to do

FINALLY. jesus christ

oh my god ANOTHER ONE IN THE DAY.......come ON

luckily i have a frost talus heart on one of my weapons lol

taking so long my controllers fell asleep lol

FINALLY!!!

oh boy okay Here I Am at the spooky maze of hands

annoying as he is, calip is a pretty tough cookie. i mean he makes it all the way through all three of these mazes, and the only reason he can't solve the riddles at the center is because he doesn't have a zonaite arm

uh oh i made it to the middle. hand time...?

ruler of BOARS this time!! oh man, like, ganondorf! like obviously but wow

huh this area doesnt seem to be where the hands on the map are...maybe i dodged them by not walking on top of the maze...?

now the big question is how tf do i get up there...

i'm not doing that hot air balloon shit again. i'm gonna warp to a nearby island and take my bike lol

havent ridden the bike in ages. missed it! so pleased at how far it can get without needing a recharge now

fucking DISASTER strikes. so there's one of those tiny zonai relief islands way out there between me and the maze. decided to go to that. landed. DROPPED the bike. managed to cast recall on it but i didnt cancel in time so it flew up into the air and dropped back down. and off the side AGAIN. in my haste to get it, i stepped on the middle of the island which fell out from under me. so i wasted that entire fucking trip

landed on a shrine next to a molduga. might as well lol

wait...i found the piece of the island that fell down...could i ride it back up...?

BOOOOO i can't BUT at least i can grab my pic lol

i'm still mad that idk how to fight molduga in this game lol. last time arrows worked, but not this time...? maybe i need bomb arrows, but i'm running really low...

oh yeah it was bomb arrows lol

did a korok since it was right here. i guess i'll also go ahead and jump in the quicksand holes...rip my bike

this is why i never get anything done lol

oh bad theres redeads down here

i saw a video where someone got close to a redead and nothing happened. do they truly not jump you in this game...?

i regret this already. this is so tedious. i'm gonna have to manually discover every fucking entrance

oh no wait thank FUCK if you just walk over the sand piles it counts

ok. gonna see if i can bike straight up to the labyrinth

MISTAKE. this is gonna take forever. shoulda just started over from that island again

wasnt watching my energy, fell halfway. used a BUNCH of charges to top up and then fell off the bike entirely. today is a comedy of errors

im just gonna make a new bike at the old island. this is so stupid and such a huge waste of resources. that one island, which i tried so hard to complete my first time there so i wouldnt have to GO BACK......

FINALLY amde it

oooh it's that low grav shit...

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh my FUCKING god that was delightful

ok, so this shrine at the maze, it looks like a rauru's blessing shrine but it has fire fruit trees. which i thot was weird but whatever. but THEN when i tried to go up the stairs they like fucking slide down and revealed a puzzle. this game is fucking with me!!!

genuinely had no idea that could happen. i wish i had been able to be surprised by more of it

the shrine is called "unlit blessing" but i wasn't paying attention and they got me >:)

all right...finally, down i go..........

good news is i checked and no hands.

NO FUCKING WAY LOL i caught a star piece on the way down!!!!!!

god i fucking LOVE. the music in these joints

damn i think i just heard a dragon lol am i on farosh's path? but i can't get out to check til i kill this flux guy. bet i couldn't catch her rn anyways but i'd love to see her

got his ass.

and FINALLY got my phantom ganon armor fr!!!

all i need to do is snag this lightroot and then i can finally do something else with my day lol

luckily i ascended and popped up right under it

i don't see farosh...

OH MY GOD THERE SHE IS...SO COOL.........................

oh my god there;s something else big flying in the dark......GLEEOK?

COLGERA!!!!! OH MY GOD...so cool so cool so cool

i literally can't fight colgera rn. i don't even really have time to farm this dragon. i'm gonna grab one piece and take a break, i have stuff to do - i can get the second piece when i come back!!!

#personal #loz blogging #totk lb #totk spoilers

[chrysanthemumpink]

I've never talk and it here. But I have spent over 300 dollars in helium. I had made peace with everyone and ready to leave everything behind. The campus police texted me and said...I could step out quietly or they'd come and get me...not so quietly. It's been over a year, and I still don't know how they knew or who called them.

But I was arrested...I guess. They took me too a hospital. I didnt leave for 4 months. During the first month, I didn't even know where I was. That's the thing about chronic suicidal ideation. Sometimes, you genuinely lose touch would reality. I could barely read when the police took me to the hospital.

By time I got out, it was too late. My PhD program had dropped me. And it was becoming increasingly clear that I didn't belong anyway. I hated it at the time, but my dad said an English PhD was useless back in 2017...when I was still 20..stupid and no master's. So I got the computer science degree like he said.

Now I have no idea what I do for a living. But its a job and has something to do with coding. Doesn't matter, I'm. Very good at making up a job and filling it. Every now and then, a scholar will messages me on LinkedIn. They like my work, the work I was actually passionate about. I send it to them so they don't have to pay the journals for it. In January I go back to grad school, a doctorate in Instructional Design and medical technology. I can't go back to the humanities. The last day I was there, I left in handcuffs

My dad said, "that's my girl. Never one to stay down for long."

Maybe I'm ignoring the real problem by focusing on a different problem. But maybe that explains why it's so hard to leave him. I like diluting things like this. Making them relationship problema instead of existentialism ones. I've given up my dreams. My dreams have given up on me. My current program is online. The last time I was ever on a college campus, I was handcuffed and locked in a ward for 4 months. But him, I met him when I still had hope. He was the only person who wasn't immediate family to actually visit and notice that I was randomly arrested. And most of all, he's the only thing that made me believe that the last 7 year of my life wernt a waste.

I met him when I was getting an English PhD. Now that I've lost every thing, he's the Only thing that remains. And he's already done what I can't. He's finished a program. But more importantly, if I marry him I can justify the mistake I made.

A Ring would make it all worth it. But I sense the resentment. A medical tech doctorate will make more than a humanities one. My grad stipend alone already rivales his contracted salary. But I still have at least 4 years. And he has no idea how much i need him or how I'm only 27 and can only secure 3-6 month contract positions...while he gets year long contracts and has a chance at tenure.

I don't know what to do but whenever I'm at my worse, he's always there. if I let him go, I'll have no one. But even worse, Ill have nothing to justify the years I spent chasing a dream. In all honesty, im tired. If he wants me to stay home and help him with his work... I'd be fine with that. I'm not as strong as he thinks I am.

#gradblr #leo x pisces

[girlingseason]

this blog isn't like, SECRET secret or anything like I'll post my face if I feel like it and if someone I know stumbles across it who cares etc. but I haven't used insta or twitter since mid-2018 which has been absolutely a net positive in my life and overall beneficial to my artistic mind because the pressure to churn out a high volume of micro content at the cost of quality was poison to my mind. Especially as a girl trying to escape poverty, the hustle culture/meritocracy myth was far too alluring. Work hard, be consistent, above all be SEEN and youll make it. But i wasnt making shit I wanted to "make it" for. I couldnt give myself permission to slow down and surrender to my natural inclination for sculpture - not literal sculpture but it's an image I've carried with me for a long time in regards to my process. I am a slow, careful and detailed creator. The things i really want and need to make take TIME to reveal themselves as I chip away. years. so for that reason and many others, instagram didnt feel like a positive creative outlet for me anymore. The only negative is that i havent had really ANY outlet at all since then, and it has weirdly impacted my motivation. Its so weird tho like?? Instagram made me feel like i had to make too many little things, but without it the little things feel like kind of a waste of energy, and since the big things are taking so fucking long to come to fruition im not getting any sense of accomplishment, or FEELING like a person who makes things. Ive just started to feel the need for a place to put the little things I make on the road to the big things, so there is some witness or at least documentation to confirm that, yes, I am still an artist. I could have started posting on instagram again but I fucking hate the algorithm and ui now and furthermore I remembered the restriction I felt on there knowing there were family, ex friends and god knows who else I knew irl following me, plus feeling like I had to be a ~brand~ always polished and consistent. Tumblr feels fixed yet ephemeral at the same time. I barely expect my posts to even be seen, but it still feels like a solidifying act, just to put something out there. I remembered too what a sanctuary tumblr was for me back in the day. Albeit a radioactive one, but I've never had that level of freedom and semi-anonymity again on the internet. I've never been able to start from scratch and just be whoever I want to be. Or post a poem without worrying whether it's perfect or fits the image I want my artistic persona to have in the future. Or post a photo I took just because it's beautiful or evokes something within me, without worrying whether it's interrupting the aesthetic of a grid. Maybe even post some music !! I want a place to stretch my legs, share things just because I made them and someone might just like it, without a single thought towards gaining followers or earning money (as much as I'd love the money!!!!! I'm liberating my art from capitalism as much as humanly possible cos it's fucking miserable otherwise!!!!!!!!). cos that's the other thing, I've gotten SO out of practice at sharing!! I don't share ANYTHING I make with ANYONE anymore and it's killing my slowly. I don't create just to express something and move on, I create because I want to connect with people. I've got such bad fucking posting paralysis ESPECIALLY if it's anything I've made. So I'm hoping this will help me get over that. Maybe feeling a little too hopeful about this considering life truly fucking sucks right now but I do currently have a hunger for creation though I don't quite know how to direct it, I'll try my best to guide it somewhere good.

#text #personal #posting this without fixing the mistakes lol otherwise I'll lose motivation to post it at all