Tumgik
indigo474 · 2 days
Text
32524 full moon vibes
I can tell it's a full moon. People are being weirder than usual. Some young guy asked me out.. i think. he asked me what gym I go to and James answered for me and he said go to LA- i'll work out with you. I just said maybe. He's young... maybe 30. Ive been working out next to him since I switched to Monday. He's always trying to make me laugh. he's cute but I'm not even sure he asked me out and i'm pretty sure he lives with his dad and its flattering but it's flattering.. that's all.
Kika was feeling better. James got a little emotional about her tonight which is NOT like him at all. He's very reserved and never talks feelings.. I was playing with Kika between sets and she was waiting for me to get done and he said she's just old. Out of no where.. she's just old.. I said yeah I know but she is feeling good tonight. I asked how old and he said she will be 10 in August. he said he hopes she lives until she's 14- then he told me her other eye has a cataract and "they" said they got all the cancer out when they removed her bad eye and he hopes it doesn't come back. She is old and she has good days and days when she is just tired. Today she had a good day. She loves me and it is such a good feeling when I see her and how happy she is to see me and we are just both so happy to see each other. I've seen people be mean to her and tell her to get away.. like why?? she's so smart too . its kind of funny because I don't know what she knows and i'll say something and she'll react and I realize she understood me..
One of my reps told me she might be pregnant, and if she is, she is having an abortion and i am the only person she is telling. .. well,thank you for that.
if there is any thing I deserve in this world it is to be happy. I deserve to be this happy. I deserve this. thank you, thank you, thank you.
0 notes
indigo474 · 4 days
Text
i once told a lie about taking my daughter to a Taylor Swift concert- I felt bad, not for telling the lie- what I should have done was be honest and tell the person I couldn't go to their event. Instead I created this elaborate story about taking my daughter to see Taylor swift- I felt bad because she really wanted to go to that concert, and I lied and said I took her. WHen she asked me to get tickets to her show i said sure- it worked out great, i had a day to burn from work, SHe kept telling me i wouldn't be able to get tickets- i never believed for a minute that i wouldn't get tickets. I was able to get them no problem- I feel like at times I am a magnet- for whatever it is i want-
0 notes
indigo474 · 5 days
Text
sprouting - MaRcH- Saturday- 23
I feel like Sally from the cat in the hat- I want to go out and play but it's raining so i'm stuck in the house. I managed to get my cardio in at the gym- the plan- my plan was to run outside.. I haven't figured out how to control the weather. my body feels strong, my mind is clear and my heart is open-. I sat on my bed this morning looking down on a flowering bush.. I swear I was watching it bloom- I could see it blooming.. I looked at it just now and it is greener than it was earlier. I may go out later and do some shopping- i'm not sure. working out makes me want to fuck and since I don't have a partner I took care of myself and I really want to take a nap. I have to clean my room. I have everything is pulled apart because I have to go through my clothes and get rid of things that no longer fit me. the truth is, I really don't have to do anything. it's kind of nice. BUT I should finish what I've started in my room. I really like my home. it's exactly what I wanted. I'm happy here and so happy to be out of that moldy apartment. nothing would grow there - all my plants died. my first real go at sprouting wasn't a complete fail but also wasn't a complete success. I sprouted chia seeds in my apartment 1x and they grew but I didn't have the room to really get into sprouting. I got some jars and some seeds and started them last week. I used too much seed and there was some clumping. they weren't bad- they just didn't sprout to their full potential. I started broccoli sprouts and this time I actually measured out the seeds. I over loaded the mung bean sprouts and I'm thinking I may have to trash them and start over. its all a learning lesson.. I figured I could add sprouts to my diet as they are full of vitamins and nutrients and all kind of goodness- I ate the salad blend sprouts- they were clumping in the jar and if I didn't get them out of there I have a feeling they would have started to get mold. they had a slightly bitter taste because they didn't have enough room to fully spout-
i think I need a nap. I just hate to have to wake up again. it seems easier to just stay awake. Madison and I were going to go to the movies but w e can't decide what to see. I don't see anything I really want to see. I heard Dune 2 is excellent but I havent seen the 1st one so there's that. I have to work 2-8 tomorrow--not feeling it.
0 notes
indigo474 · 5 days
Text
It was a good day. I got my run in.. exactly what I needed. I'll keep a spark of hope in my heart until I breathe my last breath. I owe it to myself to live a life I can be proud of .. and I am. It's my choice and I'm choosing peace and joy. And.... magic.. tomorrow is going to be a wash out.. I can't control the weather. My 7 seed made it to the next round. So much more to say.. tomorrow
0 notes
indigo474 · 5 days
Text
Tumblr media
585 notes · View notes
indigo474 · 6 days
Text
life is unfair
i want to stomp my feat and shake my fist and scream.. loud..
i remind myself to breath.. the hurt will pass. live. be happy. let go, let the wind carry it all away. lean into it... be grateful for what remains and what is to come.. be grateful- happy 27th birthday-
I was so proud of myself when I told James I was doing 10 push ups a day.. look at me go. he asks me how many sets? ohh just 1. when do you ever do 1 set.. never.. i'm up to 2 sets.. I thought about running all day today. things didn't go as I planned because I forget to pack a sports bra and had to come home and I made a commitment to myself that I would go to the gym and lift- its going to rain on Saturday and i had plans to run outside- tomorrow and early morning run.. its going to be cold.
Pam wants to be my friend again. I can't. sorry. I need people in my life who communicate-not people who ignore me. I've had a busy week. I work Sunday. yuck. I am open to a new job- i'm open to everything and anything that is going to better my life- a new source of income included.. my heart is open- I still believe people rarely get what they deserve in life- good and bad- life is unfair for a lot of people. I know a lot of people have it far worse than I do. its ok for me to miss my son on his birthday.
0 notes
indigo474 · 7 days
Text
Mar 21- it is Aries season-
Happy New Year- It would make sense for the new year to start in Spring- it's natures new year. Last week my hone woke me up playing a song counting stars which starts out saying I've been losing sleep. I told my favorite, she looked at me all serious and said- that didn't freak you out? I waved to my manager this week. I have her reps coming to me shit talking her and when I meet with her she complains about her reps to me. She doesn't know it but her problem rep is taking a 1/2 day today. Her reps complain that she is never there... valid point. I have a meeting this morning and I was asked to put together a summary of our new propane guidelines. Pam is acting like we are best friends.
I had a much needed rest day yesterday. I woke up tired. My body.. tired. It was nice coming home and getting stuff done here. I've been sleeping good. time is going by fast. Michael turns 27 tomorrow. the last time I saw him he was 21 22. His daughters are beautiful. I love him and miss him and would do anything to give him a hug.
Life goes on.
0 notes
indigo474 · 8 days
Text
32024
i want to be soft- my heart open, no hate for anyone. my mind free from worry. soft but strong.
everyday is a new chance to get it all right. try try try. today is a rest day- I think I may actually rest and not run- i'll see how I feel later but I do have things I can get done while resting. I woke up tired. tired but grateful.
0 notes
indigo474 · 9 days
Text
Spring 2024-
Sometimes I forget how much I have to be grateful for. I hate to admit that to myself. because the truth is I have so so much to be grateful for and life is sooo much better when I practice gratitude. it's really the only way for me to live. Opening my eyes to a new day is something for me to be grateful for. if I start there.. if I can start there each day.. it makes for a better day. I worked hard today- I had a rep quit. my team is basically falling apart. I have a few I can rely on. I was talking to one of my reps today and she said work is the least stress she has in her life.. for me its the opposite- work is the only stress I have in my life and i'm not sure I need to stress about it-i mean, it's what it is and i'm convinced we are all just kind of winging it.. I think I stress because I want to do a good job... Pam is all up my ass and I knew it would be this way. not something to stress about and I don't consider myself a grudge holder but I will never look at her or treat her the same as I use to... I'll say hi and bye and that is it- the account I was worried about- I found another one and had to bring it up.. again and there was a big meeting... at the end of the day I am/was covering my ass.. my division, ultimately my responsibility and when things don't go right i'm the one who would have to answer for it... I am currently sleeping with 2 books- the Gita- ughh.. I should be done with it by now- it is interesting and complicated and simple and Hinduism is probably my favorite religion- besides Christianity .. so many deities - the Bhagavad gita barely scratches the surface. the other book is the menopause brain- it puts me to sleep but I felt the need to read it, lots of good information. I read something today --- you do not have to ignore or erase the past, you just have to wholeheartedly embrace the present and move on---
Kika didn't bother with me much- she had a wild adventure over the weekend and hurt her paw- she's limping. she came out to say hi to me but that's about it. I lifted heavy 200x5x3- I think he might switch it up the next few weeks. It supposed to rain this weekend and I'm not happy about it- I wanted to run outside-- I have plans dammit! the weather is NOT cooperating with my plans-
life is good and I need to always remember how much I have to be grateful for- there was a time when I dreamed of living the life I am living- also I need to embrace the present-its all we really have-
first day of spring- how exciting- soon soon-
0 notes
indigo474 · 9 days
Text
31924
one thing I've learned 1 thing I know for sure is that my feelings aren't going to kill me and it is OK to feel them. it's probably totally normal to feel lonely sometimes. I should probably not go down a social media rabbit hole comparing my life to a strangers life. Monday's are long. I think I've worked out a schedule, with the help of James. Monday, Tuesday lift- Wednesday rest- Thursday lift at the gym- Friday run- Sat run, Sunday lift gym and run depending on how I feel. Wednesday rest day is going to be hard. I ran last wed and I could tell my legs were tired from lifting the day before. I don't feel lonely all the time- hardly ever. I felt more lonely when I was married. I dont know what it was about Sunday.
I got myself in another possible situation at work- because I had a feeling. fuck fuck fuck. I had this account and for some reason I emailed it to myself on the 10th with the subject "concerned"- a rep was suppose handle it and she did a month later but it just did not sit right with me.. I see the report and this account jumps out at me so I look at it again and I decided to listen to the call- I listen and sure enough the rep didn't do what she said she would and this makes me look like a freak because I am checking accounts that are marked OK. somehow I knew this account wasn't take care of the way it should have been- SO.. I sent an email out to the reps super to listen and I am curious to see if this comes back to me like why the fuck are you digging into accounts- which i'm not- I just knew this account wasn't right. sometimes I just know things- i'm not sure how or why but I know things I shouldn't know. another thing I've learned- its always a good idea to trust that voice that tells me I know something because it is always right--- I just have a feeling this is going to come back to me-
0 notes
indigo474 · 10 days
Text
31824
Mads and I had a great day until she decided to start telling me I was a piece of shit for not turning where she wanted me to turn. By the time she told me to turn I was already committed to where I was and she turned it into big thing. In the past I may have let it go.. not said anything and continues on doing what we were doing.. it has always been easier to keep quiet and keep the peace. I guess that was the old me. this new version can not tolerate the disrespect. I told her about herself in that moment- something I try really hard not to do- I dropped her off at home and continued to do what I wanted. She apologized for what she said. we talked about the WHY.. why would you react to something so trivial- we weren't in a rush and it didn't matter what direction we drove- we were going to get to where we wanted to go.. what was said and what was perceived were 2 different things. in her mind I didn't go the way she wanted me to because I think she's dumb and doesn't know what she is talking about. I've been thinking a lot about how what is said and what is heard isn't always the same. Humans are strange creatures. communication shouldn't be that difficult- but we have these brains and bias and sometimes we hear what we want to hear. Like with Marci- I heard her say you ruined the whole day- that was not what she said. A different version of myself may have only heard that and not what she actually said-
Yesterday I was feeling lonely- alone. it started because I was looking at pictures of people I don't even know on social media- in love, holding hands, getting engaged, buying a house and they looked so darn happy too- doing all the things couples do and taking pictures of all the things.. I started thinking why not me. every where I look I see couples. why not me. i'm not doing anything to change my situation, so there's that. I went for a run and felt better and I may be alone but I also don't have any drama in my life and no one lying to me and why do people post every thing online? it's weird to me and the last thing I would ever do.
I went to the gym yesterday- 3 hours later than I wanted to, but I did it-no cardio,just weights and i'm going to do it again until it doesn't feel weird.
0 notes
indigo474 · 11 days
Text
31724
A co worker invited me, a long with a bunch of other work people, to go to a dive bar in Philly for St. Paddy's day. I thought it was nice she invited me. I'm rethinking my stance on roses. I bought 2 dozen for Madison from the flower show and they are the most beautiful roses I have ever seen. Madison and I had a fabulous day yesterday. I did everything I wanted/needed to do. I still need to make a trip to the worse place on Earth- Walmart. I was going to go Friday night but got held up at work.. every Friday the same rep gets stuck on the phone--- 45 minutes.. I was not happy. I have plants that need to be planted. I'm gonna try and get my green thumb back. The garden out front is starting to bloom. I am excited to see what comes up. Lots to do.
0 notes
indigo474 · 13 days
Text
31524
I feel like I have to pack my whole life into 2 days. the weekend. I have so much I want to do. I could possible try and stay up later and longer to get more things done. OR manage my time better. I've had time to think about Saturday with Marci and i'm disappointed. I think, she thought I was purposely 40 minutes late. We did talk about timing and I did say I thought the original time was too early so we worked out a time that worked for both of us. If I had a problem with the time I would have told her- which I already did.. I wouldn't do something like that on purpose. It would have been a lot nicer if she showed concern- she knows I am always on time. It makes me think about how I react or would react. just because I can understand why someone reacted the way they did doesn't make it right.. what I wanted to say when she started bitching at me was I am trying my best- because I am and I was and I had a challenging week.. The whole not drinking thing was kind of weird. I really shouldn't have to defend myself. My life my choices. I found a book on peri menopause and it turns out I am doing just about everything right. My mom called me the other night- shes been calling- its nice when she calls because that means shes in a good mood and wants to talk.. if I call her she'll take the call even if she doesn't want to talk which never ends well. She's says something to me about menopause and how it lasted 10 years for her.. she was also a raging alcoholic, a smoker,didnt eat right or exercise.. I'm hoping to not have the same experience as her.. Ive been reading a book and it turns out I am pretty much doing everything right.. I can control a lot- what I eat, exercise, sleep, stress- to a certain degree. I cant control the chemicals in my brain and that terrifies me. I have to make an appointment with my doctor..
I'm super excited for my trip to England this Summer.. We may take the train to Paris.. Oh my.. it seems far away and a dream at this time. I am nervous to do it. It's not like I can just come home if I need to. I'm not going to worry or stress-- not about this trip anyway. -
I lifted this week and got to see Kika 2 days in a row.. she is wonderful and truly the highlight of my week. I did upper and lower- upper - push pull- nothing spectacular . My arms were sore for days afterwards- i'm up to 10 push ups a day. I dead lifted 195x5x2 and 220x5x1. I love it when he asks me who it feels- it feels very heavy- very heavy. Could there be any other answer? He likes to try and make fun of me about menopause- i'm guessing a lot of women that see him are going through it. I told him all about my bad week and what I've read and so on- he suggested I start micro dosing mushrooms-i think i'm going to give it a try. A dose so low you don't actually feel it-
0 notes
indigo474 · 17 days
Text
3/11/24
I think it may be time to go back to pen and paper- the past few times I wrote something on here it vanished- annoying . I am feeling ok- slightly worried about the next chapter in my life and how I am going to navigate it. In my head I was going to breeze right though menopause- all the bad crap I read did not apply to me. the past 10 days or so were pretty rough and if that is what I have to look forward to, I'm not sure what i'm going to do. I am doing what I can to live a healthy life. I am not sure what else I can do. Soo.. there is that weighing on my mind. I have to believe that i'll be OK because why wouldn't I be ok.. the thing that gets me is I want to feel good- I spent sooo many years feeling like crap and now I feel good and I want to continue to feel good- I didn't feel good the past week +... I was an anxious mess.
I offered Madison my car again. She wont take it because she says she cant drive it. You can learn.. I did a really dumb thing the other night and I am lucky I still have a car. I noticed men checking me out when I was out with Marci. And when I was in Walmart. it's still weird to me. Flattering. I do think I look good. I'll get a good workout in tonight. Soon I'll be able to run at the park after work which is always good.. AND I have made a promise to myself A PROMISE TO MYSELF- that I will go to the gym and lift weights. If I could just get into a routine I would be fine. I just need to do it. THIS for whatever reason is my biggest challenge. I'm either going to have to do Saturday morning- which is difficult because I work late Friday night or early Sunday morning- which I should be able to do. will do.
0 notes
indigo474 · 18 days
Text
Flowers
I bought myself flowers last weekend. I will continue to by myself flowers. I bought Madison flowers today... I do not want her to be impressed by a man that buys her flowers- that's the bare minimum. I felt like crap the past 10 days or so.. in my head I think I think i think it's hormonal- it IS hormonal and I am not sure why it takes me so long to realize what is going on. The anxiety- the anxiety is horrible and what gets me. I am doing everything I can to be healthy -mind body and spirit- I am controlling what I can control- I get so frustrated. I did what any rational person would do- I added more supplements. I got my period today- exactly a month after I last had it- I feel better but for how long?
Today was the flower show- originally Marci wanted to get there at 10- we were seeing a show at 7 and I felt 10 was too early so we agreed I would get to her house at 10 to be at the flower show at 11. Somehow, in my head, I thought I was supposed to leave my house at 10, I only realized when I texted her to send he her address - when I arrived 40 minutes late, she was angry. what I heard her say was you ruined the whole day - she didn't actually say that.. she said, in a bitchy tone, that we would have to pay $100 for parking because the garages would be full and we weren't going to have enough time and she said I already pushed back the time for you. I busted out crying. I apologized .. I didn't mean to do it - it was an awkward way to start the day. i'm convinced we are all children - she sounded like a child have a temper tantrum, and I am sure I sound like a child with my crying and over apologizing. the flower show was nice and the comedy show was funny and all's well that blah blah blah. I felt like I had to defend my choice to not have a drink with dinner - a glass of wine would make you feel better - it really wouldn't make me feel better - are you sure? Just one glass - by the time we get to the show, you won't even feel it. I'm sure my body doesn't tolerate alcohol. if we were talking about any other drug, there wouldn't even be a conversation.. if I wanted a drink, I would order a drink. I don't need people telling me I should drink because THEY want to drink and have some rule where they don't drink alone
And there is MAdison who starts crying the other night telling me she doesn't want me to die. she asks me what I want for my birthday and all I really want is cake.. not a vegan cake that tastes like apple sauce or bananas - a real cake- I cant think of any thing I want that can be purchased from a store-other than a cake... the things I really want money cant buy.
I didn't have a PR this week. I wasn't feeling strong- I think its hormonal- I did volume and James tells me its a volume pr- sometimes I think he makes stuff up- is that a thing? I have no idea.. 205x5x3. he has me doing some sort of Nordic something- i hate them, almost as much as I have slit squats, almost. I'm seeing him monday- I was told I now have to work Monday 9-6- so, I'm gonna see him afterwards. i'm hoping to get in a run tomorrow.
0 notes
indigo474 · 23 days
Text
3524
Im certain I don't have body dysmorphia-people like to project, she very well may have it- I don't. I was raised by emotionally immature people who didn't know how to love and nurture me because they were dealing with their own trauma.. that's all. I love the silence of the morning. we had beautiful weather over the weekend- after the rain. all the cars-omg. I was freaking out and Madison told me to stop. When people are happy why can't we let them be happy? I am not a fan of people who tell other people to stop being happy or having fun. Let people be happy. I told her that too and she had nothing to say.
Ive been watching this guy train for months and months to run across America- everyday this guy was running a marathon+. its pretty cool to watch and I hope he makes it- he is suffering. .. by choice.
My team is moving tomorrow. a guy who just joined my team put in his 10 day notice that he will be leaving. I don't trust him and I'm thinking of calling out his last day. Between work, working out, eating, sleeping and the basics like cleaning, cooking.. i'm not sure how to find time for much else. I now have to work 9-6 on Monday. I'm hoping to maybe be able to see James on Mondays so that will free up a day during the week. I'm feeling overwhelmed.. with life in general. I have a fun weekend planned and i'll be able to hit the park after work soon... but part of me wants to go back to the darkness... the 4pm darkness..
I'm going to be 50 in 30 some days.. I cant believe it.. the good news is that everything is always changing.. this is good.
0 notes
indigo474 · 24 days
Text
3424
i missed an email. I think what happened is I thought it was part of another email and i clicked on it without reading. It was sent on Monday- on Friday another email was sent looking for a reply and the sender put my boss on it- she didn't care and when I talked to her it was no big deal but in my head-huge. way bigger than it should have been.it wasnt even about something terribly important. I had an unpleasant interaction with the person who sent it earlier in the week. it was a missed email- no one got hurt or lost money-
ANYWAY--- a new week... I'm gonna workout hard this week. eat right- run- next week i'll be able to go to the park after work. I ran yesterday at the park. My body feels good.
0 notes