#lmao i dropped harry potter down the drain

[hadesrise]

𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘 𝗔𝗡𝗬 𝗢𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗥.

summary ➳ harry noticed you’re not like any other slytherin

pairings ➳ harry james potter x male reader

warnings ➳ fluff, mutual pining, foul language, reader being an adorable slytherin, touch-deprived harry, just the chosen one thirsting over reader lmao, mentions of making out, soft!slytherin reader, pet names ( darling, love )

author’s note ➳ rewatching harry potter made me recall the time when i used to fantasize about two persons from supposedly rival houses falling for each other and saying “fuck it” to their rivalry before making out. yes, it's typical, but i like it just the way it is.

Of all the houses in Hogwarts, it’s well known that Slytherin is the most disliked one due to their personality that doesn’t seem to include kindness regardless of how others treat them. This might have only been a stereotype that students from other houses pushed on Slytherin, but they had a very reasonable excuse for thinking of Slytherins that way because of a particular blonde haired snake and his goons that terrorize anyone and everyone they come across. Not only that, but most people from Slytherin are unpleasant to say the least and Harry can only name a few who aren’t, like Professor Slughorn for example.

So, understandably, Harry thought you’re going to be as unpleasant as other Slytherins too after Hermione accidentally bumped into you and dropped her books to scatter all over the ground. The Golden trio were walking down the hallway leading towards Hagrid’s hut, talking to one another about how Professor Trelawney freaked out again today at Divination, with Hermione carrying books more heavier than usual (the two boys offered to carry them but she refused), before they turned a corner and she collided on a rather hard chest.

She was going to apologize, but her eyes — in sync with Harry’s and Ron’s — landed on the green colored tie with silver stripes, and the blood immediately drained from her face. It’s not like she can’t defend herself, considering she sucker punched Malfoy on the third year, but dealing with a bunch of snakes can be really exhausting sometimes and frankly, she isn’t in the mood to fight with them today.

Without a word, Hermione crouches down to pick up her books. Much to their surprise, the Slytherin knelt down to help her gather the heavier and thicker books Ron and Harry were about to pick up.

When they finally made an effort to look at the unusual Slytherin Hermione bumped into, Harry was surprised to see a very good looking and attractive boy with (h/c) hair and (e/c) eyes that seemed to spark under the light. Despite the books being heavy, you carried it easily as if they have the weight of a feather, placing another book on top of them — Harry figured you were reading it before the disaster struck.

“Are these books from Hagrid?”

The Chosen One felt his stomach fill with butterflies and heart suddenly beat rapidly at the sound of your soothing voice.

He was so used to Slytherins having that obnoxiously annoying voice, where he doesn’t know whether to cover his ears or rip them away from the sides of his head. But your voice was, even with a tone deeper than average, smooth and gentle. There was no hint of venom, distaste, unpleasantness, or despise. Just curiosity and interest. Harry also noticed you called Hagrid by his name rather than the awful big oaf other Slytherins call him all the time.

“Oh, uhm... Yes.” It took a while for Hermione to overcome the surprise and provide an answer.

“Interesting,” You hummed quietly. “I should drop by Hagrid and burrow some of his books too. He must have the book of Ancient Magical Creatures.” Muttering to yourself, the Golden trio couldn’t help but crack a smile when you seem to forget for a split second that you weren’t alone.

Gathering some courage, Harry decides to break your little bubble by hesitantly speaking. “Er — excuse me?”

“Yes?” You turn to look and catch his emerald eyes.

“You can come with us if you want. We don’t mind.”

A tiny bit of smile forms on your lips, almost unnoticeable. “With pleasure. Though, I don’t suppose it’s alright for Gryffindors to walk around with Slytherin.” You glanced around, “Some of the people from your house doesn’t tolerate their fellow Gryffindor hanging out with the rival house.”

“I think you’re okay,” Ron says reluctantly.

“If you say so.” Amusement flashes across your eyes. “Also, I’ll carry these books instead.” You didn’t let Hermione protest as you began to walk nonchalantly towards Hagrid’s hut with a slight delay to your steps; Harry figured you were purposely walking slower than your normal pace so it would be easy to walk with your shoulders lining with theirs.

You introduced yourself to them after successfully burrowing a book from Hagrid that you were searching for.

Ever since then, Harry would find himself scanning every classroom he’s in to look for you, taking mental notes of the similar classes you have together, and if you’re nowhere to be seen, he would just attempt to at least catch a glimpse of you in the Great Hall by the Slytherin table. Sometimes, when he’s fortunate enough, your eyes would meet his across the hall and you would give him the faintest of smile before returning to your meal. Other times, when the both of you are free, you would talk with each other for a while until the next class comes.

Spending his time with you made Harry notice things — such as how you’re mostly quiet, which isn’t very common in Slytherin; their loud voices being very distinguishable in the Great Hall explains that. You’re also a bit of a bookworm as he often sees you carrying or reading them around, it made him wonder why you weren’t placed in Ravenclaw, but he suppose being interested in books doesn’t automatically make someone a Ravenclaw. He also noticed the way your facial expression rarely shows rapid or strong emotions, mostly expressing boredom to anyone and anything around you, if not, your face just remains emotionless with a what Harry knew was called resting bitch face. Though, your wonderful eyes do spark seemingly brighter when you’re with him.

Another brilliant thing is finding out you don’t tolerate any of Malfoy’s bullshit.

You seem to disagree with everything the blonde says, which leads to Malfoy spitting some nasty insults in attempt to get under your skin, only to cower away when you raise a brow at him paired with deadly calm expression, which is much scarier than anything in Harry’s opinion. You were definitely not like any other Slytherin he’s ever met.

“Ron, getting a detention at potions isn’t a good reason to set Professor Snape’s office on fire!” Hermione hissed.

“But ‘ermione, he’s horrible!” Retorts Ron and turns to his best friend to plead, “Back me up here, mate!”

However, he doesn’t receive a response as Harry was too busy ogling at a particular someone by the Slytherin’s table, his hand not moving from the parchment that began to be soaked in black ink due to his quill being pressed on it. Ron and Hermione looked at each other questioningly and followed Harry’s gaze, their eyes landing on you eating quietly while ignoring the chaos members from your house were bringing. You almost looked peaceful despite surrounded by loud chattering, laughter, and the clinks of utensils against the plate.

Your patience isn’t high; you often get annoyed easily, but the way you’re unbothered no matter what’s happening around you made it seem like your patience was limitless.

Hermione rolled her eyes after realizing Harry was waiting for you to notice and rolls up the parchment she had before whacking the back of his head with it, successfully snapping him out of his daydream. “What do you think’s gonna happen if you just stare at (Y/n)?”

The Chosen One cleared his throat, taking a glance at you and quickly returning it to his best friends. “What am I supposed to do then? I can’t just walk up to him in front of other Slytherins.”

“I’d rather see you do anything than ogle at him everyday and act like an idiot.” She sighs exasperatedly.

For a boy who survived the Killing Curse and Voldemort’s multiple serious death threats, he was one hell of an annoying dork when it comes to love. He was painfully obvious with his growing crush towards you, even other Gryffindors had begun to suspect it, yet haven’t done anything to change the relationship you two have — sure, it can be called friendship, but Hermione and almost all of their friends could agree it is more than that. They couldn’t honestly contain their frustration at Harry being content with just this.

“It’s no use, Hermione.” Ron whispered when Harry went back to ogling at you. “He says he’s not going to do anything about it unless he’s sure there’s a chance.”

Sighing, the bushy haired girl shakes her head and slumped on her seat defeatedly.

How long do they have to deal with a lovesick Harry?

Searching around the school grounds, Harry finally found you reading by the Black Lake, not caring that your robe might get dirty as you sat on the ground and read another book. It was a windy day that sent calm energy throughout your body, the rustling of leaves and the sound of lake soothing you more than usual, allowing you to focus more on the context of your book. You loved the silence where no voices or other noises can be heard, just the sound of nature slipping into your ears.

Harry slowly approached as to not startle you, but felt himself relax after you pay him no mind and sat down beside where you are. The sky seems brighter than he remembers, with only small particles of cloud littered all around.

“Are you feeling well?” You asked without looking up from your book, and Harry hugs his knees to his chest, watching the wind cause waves of water on the lake.

“Better now that I found you.” The seemingly flirtatious sentence was uttered in complete sincerity and seriousness that even Harry himself didn’t expect. The tip of his ears turned bright red in increasing embarrassment as you snapped your eyes to him, seeing an adorable blush spread rapidly across his cheeks, avoiding eye contact with you at all costs.

You hum, slamming the book shut. Harry was now staring straight ahead at the lake, as if there was something interesting in it, making amusement appear on your usually expressionless face. “Look at you blushing, Potter. So adorable.” You whispered the last part, almost teasingly, and he blushes even more.

“Well, you’re adorable as well.” Harry dares meeting your eyes. His heart bangs even more loudly in his chest after seeing the almost loving look in them, finding himself admiring you.

All playfulness leaves your face as you stare into each other’s eyes with a mirroring hint of adoration. You shift to lean back on one of your hand while the other rise to brush a hair out of Harry’s forehead, before cupping his cheek, admiring the way his emerald eyes sparked under the warm sunlight. This is your first time seeing his face close and having the time to focus on his features more; you knew Harry was attractive the moment you set eyes on him, but you realized he looked almost ethereal at this point, making your heart flutter.

“Your eyes are really captivating,” You muttered, barely audible but reached Harry’s ears nonetheless.

He chuckled breathlessly, “I got it from my mum.”

“She must’ve been such a wonderful woman then.”

Your thumb gently rubbed his cheek and Harry couldn’t help but lean to your touch and close his eyes. He’s been touch-deprived for long, being touched with care and gentleness made him weak in the knees easily. A coo escape from your lips; an unlikely sound for Slytherin to make. Before Harry could process what was happening, you had set aside your book and pulled him to your lap, settling him between your legs. Harry blinks, surprised.

“I’m seriously soft for you, Potter. Too adorable.” You sigh, burying your hand through his dark locks and softly scratching his scalp.

Getting over his initial shock, Harry relaxed and made himself comfortable, letting his body rest against yours as he laid his head on your chest. It worried him that you might hear his rapidly beating heart, but honestly couldn’t bring himself to care when you were being so generous, holding him, playing with his hair. If others were to see you and him like this, they would certainly assume it’s the end of the world for two rival houses to be cuddly with each other when they usually spit hatred.

Though, after meeting you, Harry had begun to believe not all Slytherins are bad — it’s just that people, including himself, unfairly stereotyped them as a bunch of evil-doers only because of the choices that older people from Slytherin made in the past, which the young Slytherins are definitely not in control of. There are questionable Slytherins like Malfoy and his goons, but they’re not a reason for others to start generalizing that all students from the snake house is evil.

Slowly and albeit hesitantly, Harry wraps his arms around your back and nuzzles your chest. You’re absolutely different from other Slytherin members, but he still found it odd that a Slytherin is this nice and affectionate, especially when you’re usually quiet and socially distant, preferring to be alone with slightest bit of annoyance directed at your fellow housemates.

Closing his eyes as sleepiness start to fall over his eyelids, the Chosen One wondered why you’re only doing this with and to him. He’s never seen you with anyone before, and when he did, you always maintained clear distance from them, as if they held contagious disease. It made him feel special in any way, but also confused.

“(Y/n)?”

His sleepy voice make you chuckle softly. “Hmm?”

“Why are you so affectionate with me?”

Your hand playing with his hair abruptly stops, and for a second Harry thought he made a mistake of mentioning it. However, relief floods him when you went back to massaging his scalp. “Isn’t it obvious, Potter?”

He shakes his head. Don’t want to assume.

Silence falls as you stop your hand again. Curiosity of your expression plaguing his mind, Harry opens his eyes and looks up without moving from his laying position — his breath almost stopping when he came across a very loving gaze staring at him like he was the entire universe. His heart swell as heat rushes to his cheeks. He attempted to hide his face by burying it on your chest, but you held him still, hand cupping his cheek once again.

You don’t even give him time to react before you captured his lips on yours, practically stealing Harry’s breath away. Just a gentle kiss on the lips, but enough to make his brain fuzzy.

Pulling away before he could reciprocate, you smiled. Not a forced one, but genuine and coming from the bottom of your heart. “Does that answer your question, Harry?”

Despite the fluttering of his heart and the urge to jump up and down in pure joy, Harry pouts. “Not enough.”

You chuckled. “I need to be persuasive then.”

Needless to say, you both missed the next class making out by the Black Lake and not caring about getting caught.

Ron and Hermione were freaked out. The reason lies with Harry, who’s been in an awfully good mood the entire day to the point even Malfoy can’t get through him and he began noticing some good qualities in some of the Slytherin members. Don’t get them wrong, Harry being in a good mood is great because the boy deserves a day without constantly fighting for his life and feeling like everyone’s against him, but attempting to find the good qualities even in Malfoy? That’s when the two gets really concerned.

When lunch break comes around, Harry was still in a brilliant mood, smiling to himself because of whatever merlin knows. Ron and Hermione shares a look as they continue to eat, observing their best friend who began to look for you in the Slytherin table, his smile immediately widening after he sees you.

Hermione turns around just in time for you to look up from the foods and meet Harry’s eyes. Unexpectedly, a soft smile appears on your lips as you wave at him, not caring when your housemates see it. Harry chuckled, waving back, before you returned to eating your food in silence. The three of them witnessed Malfoy mutter something that caused you to roll your eyes and smack the back of his head with the book you were reading before.

“So,” Ron began after he and Hermione looked back at Harry. “Is there something you’re not telling us, ‘arry?”

The said boy only raised his eyebrows, unable to contain his grin.

“Come on, Harry!” Hermione urged.

Before anyone could respond, however, someone took a seat on the empty space beside Harry — turning their heads, they were surprised to see you there.

“Hello, love.” Harry almost melted at the pet name. You gave his best friends a polite smile, “Excuse him from your conversation for a moment, Hermione, Ron.”

“Of course, go ahead.” Neither of them could honestly deny a polite Slytherin no matter how much they want to.

“What is it?” Harry questioned, more than welcome to talk with you. However, you seem to have a different idea in mind as you leaned in without a word and captured his lips in a lingering kiss, hearing gasps erupt from multiple places — mainly Ron, Hermione, any Gryffindor who were wondering why a Slytherin paid Harry Potter a visit, Malfoy, his goons, and some other Slytherins who just happened to catch the moment. Few students from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw had their mouths open in shock as well.

There was a smug look on your face when you pulled away, smirking at Malfoy who was previously babbling some nonsense that you couldn’t possibly like Potter and are probably just using him. By the looks of it, you had succeeded in proving the blonde ferret wrong.

“What was that for?” Harry asked breathlessly. You caught him off guard.

“Oh, nothing. Just proving to gits that Gryffindor and Slytherin are sometimes compatible if it’s with the right person.” You shrugged, resting an elbow on the table and putting your chin on the palm of your hand. “In short, I wanted to prove people wrong who says we can’t be together since you’re a Gryffindor as I am a Slytherin.”

“Wait, someone told you that?”

“Rumors of us being seen making out by the Black Lake travels fast,” You sipped on Harry’s pumpkin juice, which he didn’t mind even the slightest as he blushed, avoiding Ron’s and Hermione’s wide and intrigued eyes. “One little bird from Ravenclaw thought it’d be wise to practically squeal it in the hallways that the rumor’s impossible because of our houses rivalry.”

You snort, “As if we give a fuck about that.”

For the first time, Harry actually saw the Slytherin in you.

And he wasn’t going to complain, not when you’re not like any other.

© ᴀʟʟ ʀɪɢʜᴛs ʀᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʜᴀᴅᴇsʀɪsᴇ. sᴛᴇᴀʟɪɴɢ, ᴘʟᴀɢɪᴀʀɪᴢɪɴɢ, ᴏʀ ᴜsɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ғᴏʀ ᴍᴏɴᴇᴛᴀʀʏ ɢᴀɪɴ ɪs sᴛʀɪᴄᴛʟʏ ᴘʀᴏʜɪʙɪᴛᴇᴅ. ᴀsᴋ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪssɪᴏɴ ʙᴇғᴏʀᴇ ʀᴇᴘᴏsᴛɪɴɢ ᴏʀ ᴛʀᴀɴsʟᴀᴛɪɴɢ.

#hadesrise #gay #lgbtq #male reader #x male reader #harry potter #harry potter imagine #harry potter x reader #harry potter x male reader #harry james potter #mlm #harry potter films #harry potter franchise #harry potter fluff #imagines #fluff #harry potter x you #harry x you #harry x reader #harry x male reader #x male y/n #harry james potter x reader #harry james potter x male reader

[to-readanm]

superhero au

YO WHATS UP PEOPLE! I haven’t been here in a hot minute lmao. So, I abandoned my fic, realised i had nothing left for the characters at hogwarts, only plans for after school. anyways, i’m now a massive mcyt fan lol, look where i went. i’ve written a one shot from the outsiders smp, and i’m currently working on a dsmp fic which already has two chapters posted, and the final one is in the making. 

I have had undercurrents of wanting to work with a dsmp superhero au, but i don’t want it to be the classic spiderinnit au, diapson has already done an amazing job with that. i really want to write something with the vibe, without it being the same as SpiderInnit or Team Spider. hopefully yall know exactly wtf i’m talking about. i’ve already got some notes down for an adoption type au- sleepy bois ofc- and by “some” i mean a large google doc with two seperate google sheets. so, the question i’m asking is- what powers and plot can i give so that its superhero but not spiderinnit?

#dreamsmp #tommyinnit #spiderinnit #mcyt #mcyt fanfiction #writer needs help #lmao i dropped harry potter down the drain #dream smp

[sapphicwhxre]

Hey could you possibly do an imagine for Harry Potter using the smut prompts 10&27 and the fluff prompt 47? I’m curious as to how it’ll turn out.. but if you have no ideas thats completely fine.🥰

she’s not me

♡ 10: “next time we get into an argument, i’m reminding you that i took your virginity.”

♡ 27: “my boyfriend/girlfriend would kill us.”

♡ 47: “we could run away.”

i feel bad writing cheating fics tbh lmao. no hate to cho, she’s actually the sweetest <3

butterbeer was passed around and way too dramatic toasts were made cheerfully. the gryffindor team had won a quidditch match and the celebration had been organized by hermione and ron.

“where the bloody hell even is harry?” ron mumbled with irritation just to you. “he should be here,” you agreed sadly. he’d been the reason they even had their victory. but everyone knew where he was. ever since harry started dating cho chang, he spent less time around you all ─ per the wench’s request.

an hour had passed before the boy finally arrived, hand in hand with cho. your heart broke at the look on his face, drained and saddened. they’d probably fought again. cho didn’t like harry being friends with other girls and that especially included you. at least she’d let him come. that in its own was a shocker.

“about time!” hermione greeted. she went to give her friend a hug but was met with cho’s glare and she stepped back hesitantly. you didn't dare to even greet him, knowing you’d only cause trouble for him later.

trouble, however, was deserved when it came to a witch like her.

cho had gone to the lavatory and you walked over to harry’s side. “it’s nice to see you, now that your captor’s gone,” the boy glanced up at you and gave you a lighthearted laugh. “it’s nice to see you too y/n,” he meant the words but insecurity lined them.

“why are you even with her, harry?” you blurted. “she’s terrible and i...” you trailed off but you’d caught harry’s attention. “and you what?” you met his eyes, pleading for harry to just... well you weren’t exactly sure what you were pleading for. but whatever this was? it wasn’t right. “and i’d treat you better than her.” you whispered carefully.

when he didn’t respond, you knew from that awful look in his eyes that he knew it was true. you stopped thinking ─ only talking. “we could run away.” your impulsive words made harry laugh. “y/n, my girlfriend would kill us.” grabbing his hand, you scoffed. “let her then. you can’t tell me that wouldn’t be better than what you have now.”

something that you said must have been worth a damn to him because he tightened the grip you had on his hand and pulled you into a maintenance closet. “you know, i can’t figure out if you’re incredible or just downright mad,” he spit at you, not truly angry, only conflicted. “maybe both.” you smirked and he groaned.

“what’s even worse is i can’t help but be attracted to you,” his voice went low. “i shouldn’t be telling you this but... she’s never touched me.” you cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. “cho’s never touched you?” you questioned. “she doesn’t let you look at other girls, but won't even touch you?” your words were coated with hot anger.

you were glad ─ the idea of her hands on him killed you but to think that she couldn’t even pleasure him to make up for all the torture? “it’s not a problem.” he lied and this was the moment you both realised you were going to do something you couldn't take back. “just fuck me harry. hell, could you just look at me instead of letting her control you every bloody second of your life?” you cried.

you sounded desperate and what you were saying was horrible but he deserved you, not bloody cho chang and you both knew it. harry sure as merlin’s beard did because he crashed his lips onto yours and mashed against you with disgustingly wrong desire.

it took no time for you to drop to your knees and shove him against the small room’s wall. “y/n,” harry groaned while you palmed him through the fabric of his pants. he eagerly discarded of them for you and you slid his boxers down to his feet, his erection springing free. you pulled a moan from him by pumping your hand up and down his shaft, flicking his dick’s pink tip with your tongue.

“could cho get you like this?” you coaxed with pride. “not a chance y/n.” the boy looked down at you with wide eyes and you purred, telling him with your tone to enjoy the show. “good answer.”

you wrapped your lips around his head and sank your mouth down his length, tasting every inch of him. writhing at you bobbing your head and sucking on him, his breathy moans frequented. your eyes never left his and you even took his hand, encouraging him to grab your hair. you’d pay to see the look on cho’s face if she knew you had her boyfriend’s cock down your throat.

just before harry came, you removed your mouth and stood. the disheveled boy looked at you before realising that you were hiking up your dress and pushing your ass out for him. “come on,” you cooed. “this way the next time we get into an argument, i’m reminding you that i took your virginity.” scoffing, he entered you slowly and relished in your shared moan.

“touch yourself while you fuck me,” you urged. “i want you to really feel what she doesn’t give you,” he listened, taking some of himself in his hand and massaging lightly while he pumped into you sensually. his strung out moans told you he was enjoying himself and you smiled contently as he stretched you out and rubbed himself.

still near the edge from you sucking him off, harry burst inside of you and he moaned into your ear like a melody. he pulled out and spun you over to kiss your smirking lips passionately. “you didn’t finish,” he apologised, tone guilty, once he pulled away from the kiss. “you can make me come as many times as you want after you leave her,” you said confidentally.

“trust me, i will, y/n,” harry whispered and you couldn’t wait to finally treat harry potter the way he so rightly deserved.

─────♡

#harry potter #harry potter x reader #harry potter x you #hogwarts x reader #harry potter series #harry potter smut #harry potter imagine #harry potter drabble #harry potter prompts #harry potter x reader smut

[a-little-international]

The Height Of Summer (9)

Summary: She’s a whirling dervish, and he’s trying his best to keep up.

Warnings: some angst and some fluff, what else is new.

Words: 3327

A/N: sorry for the long delay - i graduated uni and started working full time in the world’s most soul sucking corporate job that drained me of all inspiration and joy. Don’t worry though, i quit it without having anything else lined up (i’m v v worried lmao). Anyway, here’s some stuff.

The Series: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10

Chapter 9 - Summer

“No, listen, hear me out - what I think we really need is Netflix or HBO to get on making a full Harry Potter show. Just throw a bunch of money at it, make a bunch of seasons, follow the books with absolute anal precision -”

“Aw, Jack, why’d you have to say it like that!” Paige exclaimed, throwing the pillow she’d been leaning against, at Jackson’s head.

“I absolutely agree,” Shawn said sincerely, cradling his guitar on his thighs with his fingers hovering over the strings, “give it the Game of Thrones treatment - could you imagine? I’d never watch anything ever again.

“You gotta pull some of your Hollywood strings, Shawnie,” Eli laughed, throwing a wink at Shawn.

“I’ll make sure to get my people on it,” Shawn winked back.

Summer smiled as she leaned her head back against his knee, basking in the laughter and chatter between her friends. They had all piled into her room after getting back from the picnic, all sunburnt and in good spirits. Paige, Molly and Eli had spread themselves out on her bed, Jackson was sitting in the alcove of her window, Shawn was lounging in the armchair next to her bed, and Maya was sitting curled up on Lewis’s lap on the other armchair. Summer, ever the generous hostess, had opted for the floor in front of Shawn. She rather enjoyed her position, as it allowed her to affectionately lean her head back against him, and she was almost certain she felt his fingers play with her hair absentmindedly when the others were talking, and nobody was looking their way.

“Okay but the most important question is what house everyone is in,” Lewis piped up, which was met with excited exclamations and laughter.

“I don’t think I even know what the houses are,” Molly said, pulling a face.

“I don’t either, babe,” Maya laughed in solidarity.

Lewis looked at his girlfriend with abject horror scrawled on his face, “Right,” he said matter-of-factly, “that’s it, we’re breaking up,” as he pretended to push her off his legs, catching her from falling at the last minute and pulling her back into him. Looking at them made Summer wish she could relocate into Shawn’s lap and wrap her arms around his neck and press her face against his.

“Well I’m definitely a Slytherin,” Paige said proudly, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

“Don’t we know it,” Jackson laughed, grinning as he rolled his eyes.

A sharp tap against the window pane sliced through the chatter and laughter, and the group exchanged confused looks with each other.

“Did you hear that?” Eli asked, brows furrowed.

“Is it raining?” Summer replied, looking at Jackson who was sitting in the alcove, his figure outlined by the dimming evening light.

Jackson craned his neck upwards to look for clouds when another sharp rap against the window rang out, and his head snapped downwards immediately. There was a pregnant pause as his hand came up to cup around his face to help him see out better, and then, “Um...Summer, you might want to go down.”

“What?” She replied, frowning, but her gut was starting to twist itself in knots as suspicion krept up on her.

Jackson turned around to look at her, and she didn’t miss the way his eyes darted to look at Shawn for a second, before returning to hers. In the beats of silence that passed, the tension she was radiating seemed to become palpable and she wished with her entire heart that he wasn’t about to say what she thought he was about to say.

“It’s Jesse, he’s downstairs,” Jackson said, stabbing into the anticipatory tension, and then, as if it couldn’t possible get any worse, he added, “throwing rocks at your window”.

A shiver ran up her spine and she was suddenly extremely aware that all eyes were on her, but most of all that Shawn’s eyes were on her and the feeling of her side resting against his legs suddenly seemed hard and uncomfortable and it made her feel sick. Jesse used to throw rocks at her window as a romantic thing, it was their little inside joke, to make her feel like she was in some sappy romance film. It was a rock thrown at her window during a weekend away at the cabins that had first brought them together, under the veil of darkness and shrouded in the secrecy of being with her brother’s best friend. It was the sign that they could be together, just the two of  them, and sneak away from the company of others. And now here he was throwing rocks at her window when she thought they had found some closure that same morning in the kitchen.

She wasn’t brave enough to look at Shawn as she stood up, confusion and shame and anger and anxiety all fighting for dominance in her stomach.

“I”ll be right back,” she said as she slipped out of her bedroom door, stopping to take a big breath in the hallway as she closed it behind her. She could hear the faint exchange of whispers amongst her friendship group and she wondered what they were saying, but most of all she wished she knew was Shawn was thinking.

Trying to sort out her inner thoughts and figure out what he wanted and what she could say to Jesse, Summer slowly descended the stairs and excited the cabin. She found him kicking at the dry grass and dirt below her window, the same way she had found him on countless other nights just like this one and she couldn’t help that her heart clenched a little at the sight. Glancing up to her window, she saw her friends peering down at her and Jesse, but Shawn didn’t seem to be with them.

“Hey.” She said, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands. “What’s up?”

Jesse looked up at her and shifted uncomfortably, fiddling with another small stone he was holding, “Hey, sorry about-” he said, showing her the rock, “I just wanted to talk but I didn’t want to barge in, when I saw Jack in the window I figured you had your friends round and stuff.”

“So you thought the best solution was to throw rocks at my window?” Summer hissed at him, crossing her arms.

Jesse shrugged, “I don’t know, it’s just the first thing I thought of.”

Summer rubbed her hands over her face in frustration, “What could you possibly want to talk about now, you already barged in at the crack of dawn this morning to have a conversation and I thought we said what needed to be said but now you’re throwing rocks at my window like nothing ever changed between us.”

“I guess for me it just doesn’t feel like that much has changed.”

“Jesse you broke up with me two years ago. You did, not me. You don’t get to-”

“No hear me out,” Jesse interrupted her as he took a step forward. “You know I still love and miss you, I told you as much this morning, and I get that this is all my fault and by God am I happy you’re happy and doing well, which is why I just wanted to make clear that I am doing well too and I hope someday soon I will be okay with what I did to us, to you. But I want you to be happy because I still love you.” 

“Jesse…”

“No listen, please, I was watching you all day today and I get it now. You’re happier now, happier than you ever were with me I think.”

“Jesse, come on now, that’s not true,” Summer said softly, taking a step towards him, wanting to comfort him and those sad ocean-blue eyes she had loved so much for so long.

“ I think it is, though. You and Shawn - you never had that shine in your eyes when you were with me.”

There was a long pause where Summer tried her best to process what he had just said to her, and then she remembered how happy she had been with Jesse and tried to compare it to how she felt around Shawn, and she struggled. They were two completely different things, two completely different boys - men, in fact - and also two completely different Summers.

She swallowed, her heart breaking for Jesse, even though he had been the one to break hers. “I don’t…” She struggled to find the words to explain how she was feeling, especially how she was feeling in regards to Shawn, and to find the words that wouldn’t cause any more hurt than necessary. “Shawn and I...well I don’t exactly know what we are at the moment, but I don’t want you thinking you didn’t make me happy Jess.”

She saw him swallow as he looked away into the darkening forest, his fingers still fiddling with the little black rock like it was a poker chip. “I hope I did make you happy, Sunny,” he said quietly, hesitantly using his nickname for her for the first time since the breakup. “But it’s not about happiness, I can’t explain it really, it’s just different the way you look at him. It’s like you are the sun and he is the moon.”

“That is so cheesy,” Summer said, closing her eyes as she tried to repress a smile.

Jesse laughed quietly, dropping his head, “I know,” he said, shrugging, “I just don’t know how to explain it. You just light up in a way you never really did with me.”

“But I loved you,” Summer said, suddenly feeling a little offended, as if he was undermining how much she had been in loved with him. She had always felt she had given her all to Jesse, thrown herself into everything they were together, and here he was standing in front of her telling her she looked more in love with someone she had known for hardly any time at all compared to how long they had been together.

“I know you did,” Jesse replied quickly, reading his hand out as if to touch her, but then pulled it back as if he thought better of it. “And I always felt that, your love, and I felt how much I hurt you when I did. But I mean when you’re with him...it just looks different, I don’t know, it looks right.”

“Right?” Summer frowned at him. She knew he meant well but he was also digging himself into a hole that she didn’t much appreciate. “So you think we didn’t look right?”

She knew she shouldn’t have said that as she watched Jesse’s face fall. In her heart she knew what he had meant, but it still grated on her and she couldn’t help herself.

“No, of course I think we did I just, what I mean is, if that you look really complete when you’re with him.”

And there he went again, digging himself into that hole she really wished he wouldn’t. Summer’s eyebrows flew up and before she knew what she was saying, the words had already left her mouth in a hushed rage, “Jesse Sullivan if you think I need a man to complete me, or try to imply in any way that I am in some may incomplete or broken then you have a new thing coming.” 

“Of course not, come on Sunny, please you’ve got to know what I mean. All I’m trying to say is that I won’t try and interfere or win you back or do all the things I really want to do because I can see that I can’t compare anymore and that is alright, and I will be alright.”

Summer took a deep breath, her frustrations deflating with each word he spoke. “And will we be alright?” She asked, looking up at him.

“Yeah, I think we will.” Jesse responded softly, tentatively pulling her into his chest and Summer allowed her arms to wrap around his broad frame as he rested his chin on top of her head.

She breathed into the hug, noting how he still smelled like the same Axe body spray he’d used when he was fifteen years old and half a foot shorter. Some things would never change, but one thing that had was that instead of craving his familiar smell, she now longed for the subtle scent of Shawn’s cologne and spearmint gum. Turning her head to the side, she moved her eyes up to her bedroom window, but found it empty with the lights turned off. She wondered if Shawn had ever come to the window, or if he had left her and Jesse alone once again. She felt Jesse press a kiss against the top of her head and she knew it was time to part, more certain than ever that it wasn’t his arms she wanted to be held by.

---

As predicted, her room was deserted when she returned, her hands still balled up nervously into her sleeves. She looked at the armchair that Shawn had been sitting in and swallowed. Slowly she backed out of her room, closed the door quietly behind her and walked to the end of the hallway where she stood outside of Shawn’s room once again. This time, unlike the night before, Summer knocked. It was soft but sure and she hoped more than anything that he would be there to open it and welcome her in.

A split second later the door swung open, as if he had been standing waiting for her on the other side.

“Are you alright?” he asked, and Summer lunged forward, wrapping her arms around him. “Hey…” he said softly, returning the hug and pulling her into the room, kicking the door closed behind her, “Hey, are you alright?”

Summer nodded against his chest, eyes closed tightly as she tried to hold back tears. She didn’t even know why she was one kind word away from bursting into tears, but she was so glad that he was there to open that door for her, to pull her in and to hold her. That faint smell of his cologne, that she had become so fond of from the first time she sat on his lap at the house party that seemed a million worlds away now, filled her brain and wove its way around her heart.

Before she knew it, Shawn was sitting on the bed with her cradled in his arms like a small child, her arms still wrapped around him and her face pushed into the crook of his neck. The faint sound of the crickets chirping outside and Shawn’s steady breathing were the only things Summer could hear and it felt like they were the only two people in the world.

“What happened?” Shawn finally asked, breaking the silence. He sounded hesitant and tense, like he was worried about the kind of answer she would give him and not for the first time did Summer feel guilty for pulling him into this situation.

She shrugged, pulling away to look at him, “Nothing really. He just wanted to make clear where we stood.”

“And where do you stand?” There was that tense anticipation in his voice again, and it made her heart rate pick up.

Summer forced herself not to break eye contact with Shawn, her dark blue eyes meeting his brown ones, darker than ever now that the sun had finally set and the only thing illuminating the room was the pale glow of the moon.

“He’s not going to try and get back together, he wants me to be happy...he’s happy for us.” Summer replied, the last part barely over an audible whisper, unsure of what Shawn’s response would be. It was once again another implication of what they were, when that had never really been established, both of them knowing how different their lives really were away from the cabins and in the reality of their respective careers.

“We’re an us?” Shawn asked, leaning back against the headboard, his hands slipping down to her hips.

It wasn’t exactly the response she’d been hoping for, there was no big smile or a passionate kiss, only a question. Summer swallowed, it was now or never. This conversation was bound to happen, the alternative was leaving it a forever open-ended question mark that would eventually allow them to drift apart without explanation or commitment. “I’m happy for there to be an us if you want there to be an us,” she said, sending the ball back into his court as she held her breath for his response. Her heart was beating so fast she was worried he’d be able to feel it.

Shawn just looked at her for a long time, which did nothing to calm her nerves, but his hands stayed on her hips and she thought that that at the very least was a good sign.

Finally, one hand lifted as he ran it through his thick hair, and Summer didn’t dare move an inch for fear of interrupting his contemplation. “Um,” Shawn started, barely looking at her anymore and her heart started to drop into the pit of her stomach. Suddenly she wished she’d allowed the question mark to keep hovering for a little while longer. “I would like there to be an us,” Shawn said, but Summer felt  the inaudible pressure of a ‘but’ hovering between them.

She looked at him and wanted nothing more than to reach up and touch his cheek, slightly flushed from sunburn or stress she couldn’t tell. She wanted to kiss him, to erase the tension and show him how good an ‘us’ could be, but still she didn’t dare move. The hand remaining on her hip gave it a light squeeze and she couldn’t tell if it was accidental or not.

“But it’s going to be hard,” he finally said, looking at her again with worry etched across his face. “It’s going to be so hard on you,” he went on, “so much harder on you than it will be on me I think and I don’t know if I can do that to you.” Shawn bit down on his lip and Summer felt the beginnings of tears sting at her eyes once more.

“I’m a big girl I think I can handle it,” Summer replied, trying her best to keep the tremble she felt in her throat to leak into her words.

“You’re very small,” Shawn laughed, moving both of his hands up to her waist and giving her a very purposeful squeeze, “but I’ll believe you can handle it if you say so.”

And with that her heart swelled three sizes and she returned his wide grin, balling the fabric of the hoodie he was wearing into her fists excitedly. Shawn leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against hers and it was like a whole new box of fireworks was let loose in her stomach all over again. It was only short and sweet, but it was perfect, and when he pulled away it was so minimal that their proximity remained intimate, his nose pressed against hers, his lips brushing hers, his spearmint breath against her. “Summer?”

“Hmm,” she hummed contentedly, closing her eyes to hold onto the moment between them and the feeling of his hands on her and his gentle voice cradling her name.

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” -

TAGLIST (lemme know if you want to be added!)

@crownedbyluke @24kcalum @divergentseagreengirl @carlaimberlain @5sosle @vnv21 @sayingloveat2am @tougherinrain @esmaaaa8 

#c writes #my writing #Shawn Mendes #Shawn #Mendes #Shawn Mendes fanfiction #Shawn Mendes fic #Shawn Mendes fanfic #Shawn Mendes #imagine #Shawn imagine #Shawn Mendes fluff #Shawn fluff #Shawn Mendes angst #Shawn angst #Shawn Mendes romance #Shawn romance #the height of summer #the height of summer chapter 9

[deannahara-blog]

Feeling Isolated (Part One) - Scorpius Malfoy X Reader

Request: Based on the part in the Cursed Child when Harry stops Albus and the reader (who in this story are siblings) from seeing scorpius and being friends with him. (it gets better as the story goes on, trust me.)

Part Two

READER'S PERSPECTIVE MOSTLY BUT SOMETIMES HARRY’S

Word count: 1114 (long but worth the read.)

Warnings: Angst ?? fluff (not really) ?? 

not edited 

Please read -  Recently (at the beginning of the year lol) I watched Harry Potter and the Cursed Child production and fell IN LOVE with the characters all over again. ANYWAYSSSS i've noticed the lack of Scorpius oneshots and I just thought i might try to write one so here we go.

A/N- I just want to mention that this is the first time I’ve written fanfic so I’m sorry if it’s not the best.  I don't think I own any characters i've written about from the story so please don't be mad that I used some scenes from The Cursed Child and put them in. I did it to set the scene and make it a little more real lmao  :)

Please don't steal what i've written, this took lots of time and i'm really proud of it.

__________

Reader's perspective

Running through platform 9 and ¾ was something that you’re used to. But this time it felt different. This time, you’re finally the one going to Hogwarts, not dropping off your older siblings. You were starting your first year at Hogwarts today, along with your twin brother Albus. Albus Potter. Yep… you're a Potter.

Albus ran in front of you, dragging his suitcase behind him.

“Y/N hurry up or we’re not going to find a spot” Albus cried out. “Alright i'm coming, stop being a whiny baby.” I mocked. Dad looked over at us trying to hold back a cry. His youngest children, going to Hogwarts. Oh how time had passed.

Suddenly I felt a tug on my hand as I looked down to see Rose pulling me up the stars of the beautiful black and red Hogwarts Express. I quickly let out a scream goodbye to my parents as I let my cousin continue to drag me through the train while laughing her head off, along with my brother. We knew it was going to be hard to find an unoccupied carriage as we arrived at the station a little late. I sighed as we begin getting closer and closer to the end carriage as we still haven't found a empty compartment. My feet were starting to hurt from walking up the seemingly never ending corridor. As we reached the last compartment I was shocked to see that there was only one person sitting there. All by themselves. I knocked on the glass door that gave Rose, Albus and I a clear display of the pale, platinum blonde boy who was slouched up looking out the window.

“Hi. Is this compartment...”

“It's free. It's just me.” The blond boy cut Albus off. “Great. So we might just - come in - for a bit - if that's Okay?” Albus question as he looked over his shoulder and gave Rose and I a look, as if seeing if we would like to join the mysterious grey eyed boy.

That was years ago. Now Albus, Scorpius- who soon after meeting we learnt the name of- and I were the closest of friends. Friends… I guess that's all Scorpius and I will ever be.

Don't get me wrong. I love being friends with Scorp but it's hard to keep it from your twin brother and best friend, so I just try not to think about it. The three of us had gone through thick and thin together so when dad forced Albus and I to stay away from Scorpius I lost it.

“How could you do this dad?! Scorpius is our best friend! Are you crazy?!” I screamed letting out all my anger and frustration, throwing it towards my dad as I cried. “Its for your own good Y/N you don't understand.” He tried to fight back but couldn't say much more before Albus cut in. “What do you mean ‘for our own good?’ you don't get to make decisions like this and break apart our friendship with Scorpius. I can't even look at you right now.” Albus let the last sentence out as a whisper i'm surprised we even heard it before he ran off. I gave one last glare towards my father before whipping my hair around to follow Albus into our room.

_____

Harry's Prospective

“Harry are you sure this is the right decision?” McGonagall spoke as she tried to change my mind. “Albus and Y/N are to stay away from Scorpius. For their sake, and others. Dumbledore, he said that love had blinded me. He was right. I see it now. They won't like me for this, but they will be safe” I can't let anything happen to them. I love them too much and although they might not see it, it's what needs to be done.

I stopped my thoughts before speaking up again. “This map will reveal to you were my son and daughter are at all times - I expect you to user it, and if I hear you don’t - than I will come down on this school as hard as I can -  using the full force of the Ministry - is that understood?” I forced out before glancing up to McGonagall.

“Perfectly”

_____

Readers perspective

It feels weird now, being back at school without Scorpius by my side. Everything just seems… gloomy and I just constantly feel sad. I know Albus feels the same, but I can't even find some happiness in myself to cheer him up. I just feel drained. From what i've heard Scorpius isn’t going to well either. I mean, what did I expect? Albus and I were the only two friends he's ever had. I can't even imagine how it feels to be so alone and isolated. At least I've got my brother going through this with me.

I decided to take a walk to clear my head and just have time to myself to think. But I never thought by doing this I would make myself more miserable. I drag my feet up the stairs letting my mind take over, memories of Al, Scorp and I, seeping through the broken pieces of my heart, shattering it even more. It felt like forever till I reached the top of the staircase and as soon as I did my eyes aline with another pair of black school shoes as I look up to meet those grey story eyes I love and could get lost in forever. We continue to stare at each other.

Lost and hopeful - all at once.

But sadly my father's words force there way into my mind as I look down, feeling the tears starting to build up.

And with that. The moment is broken - and with it, possibly, the friendship.

And then… the staircase parts.

The two look at each other once more -  one full of guilt - the other full with pain - both full of unhappiness.

As the staircases get further and further away, I bite my lip as not let out a sob. As my cries are forced in. I feel my tears, as they start to slide down my red cheeks. Now clouding my vision as I attempt to keep walking down the moving stairs on my shakey feet. But don't make it far before my vision blacks out as I hit the cold floor.

______

WHOOOO PART ONE  FINISHED!!!

So as I mentioned before this is the first time i've written fanfic and i'm pretty proud of it. So please reblog if you liked it, it would mean the world to me!! :)   Also, there is a part 2 coming that i'm really excited for, it should be up soon. Idk there might be a part 3 but who knows, lets just see where this goes.

#scorpius malfoy #scorpius malfoy x reder #harrry potter #oneshot #hogwarts #albus potter #harry potter oneshot #draco malfoy #ginny weasley #rose granger weasley #cursed child #scorpius malfoy oneshot #scorpius and albus

[isa-ly]

“I HATE MY LIFE, LMAO”

TW: mental illness, therapy, self-hatred, self-deprecation

Let's start this one off with a text I received a few months ago from a friend, who I hadn't seen or spoken to in a while:

For anyone who isn't fluent in German, it reads as follows: "I'm hip and have a Twitter too now, as you probably noticed. Your own Twitter doesn't sound like you're too doing well. Can I help in any way?"

At first, I was like: "Huh? What does she mean?"

But, well...

Alright, I see her point.

And that's what I'm here to talk about today: Tweeting and joking your sorrows away (and why it's so hard to stop doing it). Before we get into it, however, I want to drop one last screenshot, because it just fits this current situation oh too well, and the irony made me giggle:

Okay, enough social media plugging, let's get back to business.

As you can see, I am quite active when it comes to tweeting about my struggles with mental illness. Which, in this day and age, really isn't a rarity. You just need to take one look at Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok or any dank meme, to see that joking, down-playing and iRoniCalLy tAkiNg tHe piSs out of personal problems and issues, has become quite the trend for millennials in general. Once again, I'm not the only one guilty of doing that.

Had you asked me a year ago whether or not I thought that constantly ridiculing very serious and traumatic incidents in my life was maybe a bit worrisome, I would have probably gotten very defensive and told you that "it's called coping, okay?” Because hey, making jokes and laughing about the bad things in your life gives them less power over you and helps distract from the pain. And that's good, right? That's what you're supposed to do. Right?

Well.

Dealing with your own issues, whether that's big or small ones, is a very personal process that, quite frankly, no one really gets to have a say in except for you. And yeah, sure, as we all learned by watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, ridiculing and laughing about something that really scares you, loosens the hold said fear has on you and makes it easier to deal with. However, there is a very big difference between the boggards of life (if you don’t get that reference, you clearly weren’t around when J.K. Rowling wasn’t problematic and transphobic yet) and medical mental health issues and disorders.

I am no doctor, I am aware of that, but even I know that having an ironic laugh about a shitty day is something very different to basically verbally abusing yourself and trying to make your own depression or anxiety relatable to ... well, to whom, actually? Random people on the internet? That are never going to really care or react to your self-deprecating jokes? That doesn’t seem like it’ll do much now, does it.

And that’s kind of the whole point, if you’re really honest with yourself. Social media has made it oh too easy to simply shout those invasive, painful and scary thoughts and feelings out into a void before they eat you alive. The thing about a void is, though: You're still alone in it. It doesn't answer you back. It's empty. And it will make you feel that exact emptiness inside you, too. It poses no comfort, it doesn't offer advice, it doesn't give you a hug, a shoulder to cry on or anything, really. It may swallow your word vomit whenever it bubbles out of you, but it will still leave you feeling drained and hollow because there's nothing you get from it in return.

Twitter, Instagram and every other easy-to-access-and-rant-on social media platform lets you dump your initial hurt all over it, but it doesn't lessen the pain. And neither do the self-deprecating jokes and dank depression memes.

I’ll say this once again, for the people in the back (me, I’m talking about myself here, I am the people in the back): Being mentally ill isn't a quirky personality trait, and making a lifestyle and constant comedy show out of is never, ever going to solve your problems and make you feel any better. You'll still be miserable if you don't actually work on solving your issues because you're too busy letting them define you.

Depression is not an aesthetic. Anxiety is not a competition. Panic attacks aren't funny memes.

I'm not saying that you can't and shouldn't joke or laugh about your own problems. Humor can be a very cathartic thing, I'm the living example of it. But staying put in your depression, anxiety or whatever issues you're dealing with, and trying to make a comedy skit out of it every time someone asks you how you are, is only going to make you more comfortable and validated in your own misery. And there are way better places to be comfortable in than that. Trust me.

You are not your mental illness. You are not your disorder. Those things will never define who you are. They're a part of you, yes, but they aren't you. You will always be the one that calls the shots and you always, always have choice and hope on your side. Even when it feels like you are alone and being swallowed whole by the darkness, it is never too early or late to get help. It might feel insincere, it might feel terrifying and impossible. But it never is. That's exactly what your disorders and problems want you to think. But they are wrong.

I had to accept that too. I had to accept that, once again, I wasn't as special of a snowflake as my mental illness painted me to be. By doing that, it simply did what any mental illness does best: it isolated me even more. With every joke, every #relatable tweet, every "lol" behind yet another truly worrisome sentence, I sunk back further and further into the cocoon of loneliness. And, plot twist, you can't finger-gun your way out of depression. Sorry, babes.

So, every time you’re about to chuck out another "I wanna die lmao" in a casual conversation with friends or yet another self-deprecating tweet, just take a second to ask yourself: Is this really a way of coping? Is it really making me feel better? Or is it actually a subconscious, desperate attempt of getting someone, anyone, to see that I'm slowly breaking on the inside?

Again, I don't want this to come across as a self-help guide on how to battle your mental illness. Not at all. If anything, the reason I phrase this blog and all my entries the way I do, is because it's what I need to keep telling myself, every time I revert back to old habits. It's a reminder. For me and, in case you want it to be, for you too. I'm not here to lecture anyone. Well, maybe myself, a little. But everyone makes their own choices and I'm no one's guide or saviour, nor do I want to be. However, I made a promise to myself to really commit to this blog thing, so here I am. I'm my own harshest critic, always have been, so if anything, this is a call out post for my own self-deprecating habits.

Receiving that message from my friend made me realize that even though I would have never admitted it to myself at the time, all those tweets and casually dropped “I’m gonna kms haha lol”s were nothing but very badly disguised cries for help. I was just too much of a coward to admit that to myself. Okay, maybe coward is a bit of a harsh word. I don’t want to diminish my fear or vulnerability just because I know the reason for it now. It’s just that looking back at my own denial, and still sometimes catching myself in moments where I slip back into this behaviour, makes me want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake me until I snap out of it.

Which is why I’m just going to do this through my blog now – for past, present and also future me: Get it together. Stop yourself in your own tracks when you’re about to word-vomit up another cryptic tweet or self-deprecating joke. Instead, talk to a friend. Type up a text. Call someone. Schedule a therapy session. It's always gonna help, way better than forcing out a laugh about something that is in no way a laughable matter. Reaching out is not going to fix everything immediately, but in the long run it will. And that's what we're in for, after all.

You can ask any of my friends and they will tell you that whenever they express feelings of insecurity about sharing their worries to me, I will be quick to stop them in the middle of their sentence to tell them that they can, and always should, talk to me. About any- and everything, be that day or night. It is something that I have been preaching for God knows how long, and I genuinely mean it, too. So, I’ve kind of just been a huge hypocrite by never listening to my own advice. And I knew that. Deep down, I always knew that I was ignoring the exact thing I kept telling the people I loved to do too. And what can I say, I hate being a hypocrite.

I’m not saying that any of this is easy. Hell, it can be the hardest God damn thing ever, especially when you’re as emotionally repressed and inept as I am most of the time. And yes, venting and shit-posting about how much you’ve been crying all day or how much you “hate your own life” might work as a quick fix to let off some of that frustration steam. But it’s never going to actually repair the underlying issues that cause you to feel this shitty in the first place. The only thing that’s gonna do that, is actually talking to people. Whether that is family, friends or a therapist, doesn’t matter. Because other than an Instagram story that disappears after 24 hours, or a tweet that has a 280-character limit, real life people who care about you will actually take the time to listen, say something in return, and provide the comfort and open ear no social media platform or meme ever could. You know that. And I know that too. 

So, I want to try and quit lmao-ing my way through life and instead do what I actually, secretly know I am trying to do anyway with all those self-deprecating attempts at morbid comedy: ask for help. No lol’s needed.

#therapy #introspection #social media #oversharing #self-hatred #self-deprecation #self-deprecating humor #mental illness

[hittingthebooks]

92 questions

thank you @littlestudyblrblog for the tag!!

LAST:

1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my mum 3. Text message: my friend abi 4. Song you listened to: hunnie pie - zella day 5. Time you cried: on thursday bc I found out my faves were coming to sydney and I was so excited I cried

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: no 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yes 10. Been depressed: tbh I’m not sure?? maybe???? 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: lavender, periwinkle, turquoise

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes 16. Fallen out of love: yes 17. Laughed until you cried: yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes 19. Met someone who changed you: yes 20. Found out who your friends are: yes but i think in a good way 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: probably like 95%, my general rule is I only accept people I know but I have a few internet friends and I also just once accepted someone’s request bc he was cute lmao I’m only human 23. Do you have any pets: no 24. Do you want to change your name: nah I like mine except the fact that it’s super hard to spell 25. What did you do for your last birthday?: dinner with friends 26. What time did you wake up: I think 9 because I was having a sleep-in but I honestly don’t remember 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: texting/watching youtube videos/scrolling facebook in bed 28. Name something you can’t wait for: hsc to be over 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 3 hours ago at dinner but we’re both home I’m just in my room 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: probably the way I acted when I was younger (12/13) but also learning not to stress so much 31. What are you listening to right now: palace by hayley kiyoko lmao the song has changed twice while I’ve been filling this out 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes dont we all know a tom 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: politics. so many things about politics. not going to share my specific opinion but everything is so weird right now 34. Most visited websites: youtube/facebook 35. Mole/s: one on my neck 36. Mark/s: my birthmark is a little dark spot on my ankle 37. Childhood dream: to be a missionary (age 7-10), then to be a fashion designer (age 10-13) so yeah my dream went from selfless to superficial 38. Hair color: black 39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: I think so?? depends what you classify as a crush tbh but yeah I’d say yes 41. What do you like about yourself: my lips and my introspection. two completely random things ahahah 42. Piercings: my ears 43. Blood type: AB 44. Nickname: ness, nessa, nessarose 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: sagittarius 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: I’m boring but I genuinely don’t watch anything ahah I suck lmao I prefer movies. less commitment I guess 49. Tattoos: none but I definitely want some when I’m older! 50. Right or left handed: right handed 51. Surgery: no but I need it 52. Hair dyed in different color: no but l want to! 53. Sport: dance 55. Vacation: is this asking for my fave or most recent?? most recent was Canberra (lmao boring I know) and fave is probably New Zealand (also why did we skip question number 54???) 56. Pair of trainers: I only have one pair because I genuinely never need them and they’re purple nikes

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I can’t tell if this is asking for faves or most recent again!! my fave is noodles/pho/any type of pasta tbh, my most recent was rice for dinner 58. Drinking: coffee but last I drank was water 59. I’m about to: catch up on something I’ve been saving for myself to watch because I just finished exams!!! 61. Waiting for: my faves to come to sydney!!! 40 days 62. Want: to meet them tbh but I know it’s impossible.... also to do well in the hsc so I can get into my ideal uni course 63. Get married: I don’t think so (don’t quote me on this though it really fluctuates?? right now no) 64. Career: scientist/science researcher/some entrepreneur who uses science in their business I really don’t know but I definitely know I want science involved in it

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: if this is in a romantic context I’m generally not a fan of physical contact but probably hugs over kisses 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: taller lmao I’m like 5′4″ it’s not that hard 68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arghhhh I can’t decide I love both. gonna go with arms just because I’m a sucker for popped veins, I don’t mean big muscles or anything tbh I don’t like very ripped men hahah (ps why does this question thing skip number 69) 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: honestly neither??? but if I had to go with one probably the troublemaker (within reason lmao if you’re a criminal then nope), I can’t stand hesitant people because I at least need someone decisive

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: like one sip 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: ye I once dropped one down the drain 77. Turned someone down: yes 78. Sex on the first date: I’m 16 what kind of person do you think I am 79. Broken someone’s heart: I sure hope not 80. Had your heart broken: again I’m honestly not sure??? I don’t think so 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: in a movie yes, haven’t seen anyone die in real life 83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: honestly not really, but a lot more than say maybe a year ago 85. Miracles: yes!!! 86. Love at first sight: honestly no, like I can find someone hot but I don’t really fall for them until I see their personality 87. Santa Claus: no 88. Kiss on the first date: nah I’m not really a fan of kissing tbh

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: jess, charlotte, emily 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: the help!!!! i also have a soft spot for harry potter

I tag @rhubarbstudies @bionctes @einstetic @grapefruitstudyblr @pennyfynotes @universi-tea @justlikehermione and anyone else who wants to do this - just say I tagged you!!

#tag game