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army-of-mai-lovers · 3 years

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in which I get progressively angrier at the various tropes of atla fandom misogyny

tbh I think it would serve all of us to have a larger conversation about the specific ways misogyny manifests in this fandom, because I’ve seen a lot of people who characterize themselves as feminists, many of whom are women themselves, discuss the female characters of atla/lok in misogynistic ways, and people don’t talk about it enough.

disclaimer before I start: I’m not a woman, I’m an afab nonbinary person who is semi-closeted and thus often read as a woman. I’m speaking to things that I’ve seen that have made me uncomfy, but if any women (esp women existing along other axes of oppression, e.g. trans women, women of color, disabled women, etc) want to add onto this post, please do!

“This female character is a total badass but I’m not even a little bit interested in exploring her as a human being.”

I’ve seen a lot of people say of various female characters in atla/lok, “I love her! She’s such a badass!” now, this statement on its own isn’t misogynistic, but it represents a pretty pervasive form of misogyny that I’ve seen leveled in large part toward the canon female love interests of one or both of the members of a popular gay ship (*cough* zukka *cough*) I’m going to use Suki as an example of this because I see it with her most often, but it can honestly be applied to nearly every female character in atla/lok. Basically, people will say that they stan Suki, but when it comes time to engage with her as an actual character, they refuse to do it. I’ve seen meta after meta about Zuko’s redemption arc, but I so rarely see people engage with Suki on any level beyond “look at this cool fight scene!” and yeah, I love a cool Suki fight scene as much as anybody else, but I’m also interested in meta and headcanons and fics about who she is as a person, when she isn’t an accessory to Sokka’s development or doing something cool. of course, the material for this kind of engagement with Suki is scant considering she doesn’t have a canon backstory (yet) (don’t let me down Faith Erin Hicks counting on you girl) but with the way I’ve seen people in this fandom expand upon canon to flesh out male characters, I know y’all have it in you to do more with Suki, and with all the female characters, than you currently do. frankly, the most engagement I’ve seen with Suki in mainstream fandom is justifying either zukki (which again, is characterizing her in relation to male characters, one of whom she barely interacts with in canon) or one of the Suki wlw pairings. which brings me to--

“I conveniently ship this female character whose canon love interest is one of the members of my favorite non-canon ship with another female character! gay rights!”

now, I will admit, two of my favorite atla ships are yueki and mailee, and so I totally understand being interested in these characters’ dynamics, even if, as is the case with yueki, they’ve never interacted canonically. however, it becomes a problem for me when these ships are always in the background of a zukka fic. at some point, it becomes obvious that you like this ship because it gets either Zuko or Sokka’s female love interests out of the way, not because you actually think the characters would mesh well together. It’s bad form to dislike a female character because she gets in the way of your gay ship, so instead, you find another girl to pair her off with and call it a day. to be clear, I’m not saying that everybody who ships either mailee or yueki (or tysuki or maisuki or yumai or whatever other wlw rarepair involving Zuko or Sokka’s canon love interests) is nefariously trying to sideline a female character while acting publicly as if she’s is one of their faves--far from it--but it is noteworthy to me how difficult it is to find content that centers wlw ships, while it’s incredibly easy to find content that centers zukka in which mailee and/or yueki plays a background role.

also, notice how little traction wlw Katara ships gain in this fandom. when’s the last time you saw yuetara on your dash? there’s no reason for wlw Katara ships to gain traction in a fandom that is so focused on Zuko and Sokka getting together, bc she doesn’t present an immediate obstacle to that goal (at least, not an obstacle that can be overcome by pairing her up with a woman). if you are primarily interested in Zuko and Sokka’s relationship, and your queer readings of other female characters are motivated by a desire to get them out of the way for zukka, then Katara’s canon m/f relationship isn’t a threat to you, and thus, there’s no reason to read her as potentially queer. Or even, really, to think about her at all.

“Katara’s here but she’s not actually going to do anything, because deep down, I’m not interested in her as a person.”

the show has an enormous amount of textual evidence to support the claim that Sokka and Katara are integral parts of each other’s lives. so, she typically makes some kind of appearance in zukka content. sometimes, her presence in the story is as an actual character with layers and nuance, someone whom Sokka cares about and who cares about Sokka in return, but also has her own life and goals outside of her brother (or other male characters, for that matter.) sometimes, however, she’s just there because halfway through writing the author remembered that Sokka actually has a sister who’s a huge part of the show they’re writing fanfiction for, and then they proceed to show her having a meetcute with Aang or helping Sokka through an emotional problem, without expressing wants or desires outside of those characters. I’m honestly really surprised that I haven’t seen more people calling out the fact that so much of Katara’s personality in fanon revolves around her connections to men? she’s Aang’s girlfriend, she’s Sokka’s sister, she’s Zuko’s bestie. never mind that in canon she spends an enormous amount of time fighting against (anachronistic, Westernized) sexism to establish herself as a person in her own right, outside of these connections. and that in canon she has such interesting complex relationships with other female characters (e.g. Toph, Kanna, Hama, Korra if you want to write lok content) or that there are a plethora of characters with whom she could have interesting relationships with in fanon (Mai, Suki, Ty Lee, Yue, Smellerbee, and if you want to write lok content, Kya II, Lin, Asami, Senna, etc). to me, the lack of fandom material exploring Katara’s relationships with other women or with herself speak to a profound indifference to Katara as a character. I’m not saying you have to like Katara or include her in everything you write, but I am asking you to consider why you don’t find her interesting outside of her relationships with men.

“I hate Katara because she talks about her mother dying too often.”

this is something I’ve seen addressed by people far more qualified than I to address it, but I want to mention it here in part because when I asked people which fandom tropes they wanted me to talk about, this came up often, but also because I find it really disgusting that this is a thing that needs to be addressed at all. Y’all see a little girl who watched her mother be killed by the forces of an imperialist nation and say that she talks about it too much??? That is a formational, foundational event in a child’s life. Of course she’s going to talk about it. I’ve seen people say that she doesn’t talk about it that often, or that she only talks about it to connect with other victims of fn imperialism e.g. Jet and Haru, but frankly, she could speak about it every episode for no plot-significant reason whatsoever and I would still be angry to see people say she talks about it too much. And before you even bring up the Sokka comparison, people deal with grief in different ways. Sokka repressed a lot of his grief/channeled it into being the “man” of his village because he knew that they would come for Katara next if he gave them the opportunity. he probably would talk about his mother more if a) he didn’t feel massive guilt at not being able to remember what she looked like, and b) he was allowed to be a child processing the loss of his mother instead of having to become a tiny adult when Hakoda had to leave to help fight the fn. And this gets into an intersection with fandom racism, in that white fans (esp white American fans) are incapable of relating to the structural trauma that both Sokka and Katara experience and thus can’t see the ways in which structural trauma colors every single aspect of both of their characters, leading them to flatten nuance and to have some really bad takes. And you know what, speaking of bad fandom takes--

“Shitting on Mai because she gets in the way of my favorite Zuko ship is actually totally okay because she’s ~abusive~”

y’all WHAT.

ok listen, I get not liking maiko. I didn’t like it when I first got into fandom, and later I realized that while bryke cannot write romance to save their lives, fans who like maiko sure can, so I changed my tune. but if you still don’t like it, that’s fine. no skin off my back.

what IS skin off my back is taking instances in which Mai had justified anger toward Zuko, and turning it into “Mai abused Zuko.” do you not realize how ridiculous you sound? this is another thing where I get so angry about it that I don’t know how useful my analysis is actually going to be, but I’ll do my best. numerous people have noted how analysis of Mai and Zuko’s breakup in “The Beach” or Mai being justifiably angry with him at Boiling Rock or her asking for FUCKING FRUIT in “Nightmares and Daydreams” that says that all of these events were her trying to gain control over him is....ahhh...lacking in reading comprehension, but I’d like to go a step further and talk about why y’all are so intent on taking down a girl who doesn’t show emotion in normative ways. obviously, there’s a “Zuko can do no wrong” aspect to Mai criticism (which is super weird considering how his whole arc is about how he can do lots of wrong and he has to atone for the wrong that he’s done--but that’s a separate post.) But I also see slandering Mai for not expressing her emotions normatively and not putting up with Zuko’s shit and slandering Katara for “talking about her mother too often” as two sides of the same coin. In both cases, a female character expresses emotions that make you, the viewer, uncomfortable, and so instead of attempting to understand where those emotions may have come from and why they might be manifesting the way they are, y’all just throw the whole character away. this is another instance of people in the fandom being fundamentally disinterested in engaging with the female characters of atla in a real way, except instead of shallowly “stanning” Mai, y’all hate her. so we get to this point where female characters are flattened into one of two things: perfect queens who can do no wrong, or bitches. and that’s not who they are. that’s not who anyone is. but while we as a fandom are pretty good at understanding b1 Zuko’s actions as layered and multifaceted even though he’s essentially an asshole then, few are willing to lend the same grace to any female character, least of all Mai.

and what’s funny is sometimes this trope will intersect with “I conveniently ship this female character whose canon love interest is one of the members of my favorite non-canon ship with another female character! gay rights!”, so you’ll have someone actively calling Mai toxic/problematic/abusive, and at the same time ship her with Ty Lee? make it make sense! but then again, maybe that’s happening because y’all are fundamentally disinterested in Ty Lee as a character too.

“I love Ty Lee so much that I’m going to treat her like an infantilized hypersexual airhead!”

there are so many things happening in y’alls characterization of Ty Lee that I struggled to synthesize it into one quippy section header. on one hand, you have the hypersexualization, and on the other hand, you have the infantilization, which just makes the hypersexualization that much worse.

(of course, sexualizing or hypersexualizing ANY atla character is really not the move, considering that these are child characters in a children’s show, but then again, that’s a separate post.)

now, I understand how, from a very, very surface reading of the text, you could come to the conclusion that Ty Lee is an uncomplicated bimbo. if you grew up on Western media the way I did, you’ll know that Ty Lee has a lot of the character traits we associate with bimbos: the form-fitting pink crop top, the general conventional attractiveness, the ditzy dialogue. but if you think about it for more than three seconds, you’ll understand that Ty Lee has spent her whole life walking a tightrope, trying to please Azula and the rest of the royal family while also staying true to herself. Ty Lee and Azula’s relationship is a really complex and interesting topic that I don’t really have time to explore at the moment given how long this post is, but I’d argue that Ty Lee’s constant, vocal adulation is at least partially a product of learning to survive at court at an early age. Like Mai, she has been forced to regulate her emotions as a member of fn nobility, but unlike Mai, she also has six sisters who look exactly like her, so she has a motivation to be more peppy and more affectionate to stand out.

fandom does not do the work to understand Ty Lee. as is a theme with this post, fandom is actively disinterested in investigating female characters beyond a very surface level reading of them. Thus, fandom takes Ty Lee’s surface level qualities--her love of the color pink, her revealing standard outfit, and the fact that once she found a boy attractive and also once a lot of boys found her attractive--and they stretch this into “Ty Lee is basically Karen Smith from Mean Girls.” thus, Ty Lee is painted as a bimbo, or more specifically, as not smart, uncritically adoring of Azula (did y’all forget all the non-zukka bits of Boiling Rock?), and attractive to the point of hypersexualization. I saw somebody make a post that was like “I wish mailee was more popular but I’m also glad it isn’t because otherwise people would write it as Mai having to put up with her dumb gf” and honestly I have to agree!! this is one instance in which I’m glad that fandom doesn’t discuss one of my favorite characters that often because I hate the fanon interpretation of Ty Lee, I think it’s rooted in misogyny (particularly misogyny against East Asian women, which often takes the form of fetishizing them and viewing them only through a Western white male gaze)

(side note: here at army-of-mai-lovers, we stan bimbos. bimbos are fucking awesome. I personally don’t read Ty Lee as a bimbo, but if that’s you, that’s fucking awesome. keep doing what you’re doing, queen <3 or king or monarch, it’s 2021, anyone can be a bimbo, bitches <3)

“Toph can and will destroy everyone here with her bare hands because she’s a meathead who likes to murder people and that’s it!”

Toph is, and always has been, one of my favorite ATLA characters. My very first fic in fandom was about her, and she appears prominently in a lot of my other work as well. One thing that I am always struck by with Toph is how big a heart she has. She’s independent, yes, snarky, yes, but she cares about people--even the family that forced her to make herself smaller because they didn’t believe that their blind daughter could be powerful and strong. Her storyline is powerful and emotionally resonant, her bending is cool precisely because it’s based in a “wait and listen” approach instead of just smashing things indiscriminately, she’s great disabled rep, and overall one of the best characters in the show.

And in fandom, she gets flattened into “snarky murder child.”

So where does this come from? Well, as we all know, Toph was originally conceived of as a male character, and retained a lot of androgyny (or as the kids call it, Gender) when she was rewritten as a female character. There are a lot of cultural ideas about androgynous/butch women being violent, and people in fandom seem to connect that larger cultural narrative with some of Toph’s more violent moments in the show to create the meathead murder child trope, erasing her canon emotionality, softness, heart, and femininity in the process.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t write or characterize Toph as being violent or snarky at all ever, because yeah, Toph definitely did do Earth Rumbles a lot before joining the gaang, and yeah, Toph is definitely a sarcastic person who makes fun of her friends a lot. What I am saying is that people take these traits, sans the emotional logic, marry them to their conception of androgynous/butch women as violent/unemotional/uncaring, and thus create a caricature of Toph that is not at all up to snuff. When I see Toph as a side character in a fic (because yeah, Toph never gets to be a main character, because why would a fandom obsessed with one male character in particular ever make Toph a protagonist in her own right?) she’s making fun of people, killing people, pranking people, etc, etc. She’s never talking to people about her emotions, or palling around with her found family, or showing that she cares about her friends. Everything about her relationship with her parents, her disability, her relationship to Gender, and her love of her friends is shoved aside to focus on a version of Toph that is mean and uncaring because people have gotten it into their heads that androgynous/butch women are mean and uncaring.

again, we see a female character who does not emote normatively or in a way that makes you, the viewer, comfortable, and so you warp her character until she’s completely unrecognizable and flat. and for what?

Azula

no, I didn’t come up with a snappy name for this section, mainly because fanon interpretations of Azula and my own feelings toward the character are...complicated. I know there were some people who wanted me to write about Azula and the intersection of misogyny and ableism in fanon interpretations of her character, but I don’t think I can deliver on that because I personally am in a period of transition with how I see Azula. that is to say, while I still like her and believe that she can be redeemed, there is a lot of merit to disliking her. the whole point of this post is that the female characters of ATLA are complex people whom the fandom flattens into stereotypes that don’t hold up to scrutiny, or dislike for reasons that don’t make sense. Azula, however, is a different case. the rise of Azula defenders and Azula stans has led to this sentiment that Azula is a 14 y/o abuse victim who shouldn’t be held accountable for her actions. it seems to me that people are reacting to a long, horrible legacy of male ATLA fans armchair diagnosing Azula with various personality disorders (and suggesting that people with those personality disorders are inherently monstrous and unlovable which ahhhh....yikes) and then saying that those personality disorders make her unlovable, which is quite obviously bad. and hey, I get loving a character that everyone else hates and maybe getting so swept up in that love that you forget that your fave is complicated and has made some unsavory choices. it sucks that fanon takes these well-written, complex villains/antiheroes and turns them into monsters with no critical thought whatsoever. but the attitude among Azula stans that her redemption shouldn’t be hard, that her being a child excuses all of the bad things that she’s done, that she is owed redemption....all of that rubs me the wrong way. I might make another post about this in the future that discusses this in more depth, but as it stands now: while I understand that there is a legacy of misogynistic, ableist, unnuanced takes on Azula, the backlash to that does not take into account the people she hurt or the fact that in ATLA she does not make the choice to pursue redemption. and yes, Zuko had help in making that choice that Azula didn’t, and yes, Azula is a victim of abuse, but in a show about children who have gone through untold horrors and still work to better the lives of the people around them, that is not enough for me to uncritically stan her.

Conclusion

misogyny in this fandom runs rampant. while there are some tropes of fandom misogyny that are well-documented and have been debunked numerous times, there are other, subtler forms of misogyny that as far as I know have gone completely unchecked.

what I find so interesting about misogyny in atla fandom is that it’s clear that it’s perpetrated by people who are aware of fandom misogyny who are actively trying not to be misogynistic. when I first joined atla fandom last summer, memes about how zukka fandom was better than every other fandom because they didn’t hate the female characters who got in the way of their gay ship were extremely prevalent, and there was this sense that *this* fandom was going to model respectful, fun, feminist online fandom. not all of the topes I’ve outlined are exclusive to or even largely utilized in zukka fandom, but a lot of them are. I’ve been in and out of fandom since I was eleven years old, and most of the fandom spaces I’ve been in have been majority-female, and all of them have been incredibly misogynistic. and I always want to know why. why, in these communities created in large part by women, in large part for women, does misogyny run wild? what I realize now is that there’s never going to be a one-size fits all answer to that question. what’s true for 1D fandom on Wattpad in 2012 is absolutely not true for atla fandom on tumblr in 2021. the answers that I’ve cobbled together for previous fandoms don’t work here.

so, why is atla fandom like this? why did the dream of a feminist fandom almost entirely focused on the romantic relationship between two male characters fall apart? honestly, I think the notion that zukka fandom ever was this way was horrifically ignorant to begin with. from my very first moment in the fandom, I was seeing racism, widespread sexualization of minors, and yes, misogyny. these aspects of the fandom weren’t talked about as much as the crocverse or other, much more fun aspects. further, atla (specifically zukka) fandom misogyny often doesn’t look like the fandom misogyny we’ve become familiar with from like, Sherlock fandom or what have you. for the most part, people don’t actively hate Suki, they just “stan” without actually caring about her. they hate Mai because they believe in treating male victims of abuse equally. they’re not characterizing Toph poorly, they’re writing her as a “strong woman.” in short, people are misogynistic, and then invoke a shallow, incomplete interpretation of feminist theory to shield themselves from accusations of misogyny. it’s not unlike the way some people will invoke a shallow, incomplete interpretation of critical race theory to shield themselves from accusations of racism, or how they’ll talk about “freedom of speech” and “the suppression of women’s sexuality” to justify sexualizing minors. the performance of feminism and antiracism is what’s important, not the actual practice.

if you’ve made it this far, first off, hi, thanks so much for reading, I know this was a lot. second, I would seriously encourage you to be aware of these fandom tropes and to call them out when you see them. elevate the voices of fans who do the work of bringing the female characters of atla to life. invest in the wlw ships in this fandom. drop a kudos and a comment on a rangshi fic (please, drop a kudos and a comment on a rangshi fic). read some yuetara. let’s all be honest about where we are now, and try to do better in the future. I believe in us.

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peterbabytt · 3 years

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do you think fondly of me? // starker

synopsis: tony sees peter in public after years of not seeing one another

words: 1,684

warnings: light swearing, sad but with a happy ending,

!!everyone featured in this fanfiction is 18+ unless specifically stated otherwise!!

i hope you enjoy 💓 feedback/constructive criticism is and always will be accepted, but hate will always be blocked

(by proceeding, you understand and accept the warnings previously provided)

“Penny?” Time froze the very instant the name slipped through the air. Through the ribcage, the heart drummed its accelerando beat, drowning the ears in a nervous cadence. The name alone was enough to strike a fire in the gut, but the man who spoke? The fire swarmed up the walls of the belly and into the chest at the familiarity of the voice that rang through the atmosphere, smoke filling the lungs enough to cough out a scoff, turn on the heel and face none other than Tony Stark himself. Because of-fucking-course. “Oh, my god, it’s so good to see you,” He spoke with a genuine smile on his face. Peter just smiled, cocking his head to the side as ire danced through his eyes and on the curve and bow of his lips.

“Hmm, wish I could say the same,” Peter spat, to which Tony had the audacity to appear shocked. At what, Peter couldn’t tell—it could have been the snarky remark that took the Stark by surprise, or the droop in his tone over the years thanks to the regular doses of testosterone. Peter let the phoney smile slip away, eyes cold. “What are you doing here?”

“In public, you mean?” he replied, arms outstretched by his waist as he glanced around. “I came out to get a cuppa coffee, but… when I saw you, I…” Peter scoffed once again, digging into his pocket and retrieving his phone as he turned to walk away.

“Hey!” Tony called after him, following behind him for a few paces. “Hey, where’re you going?”

“Are you standing over there?” Peter directed his attention to the end of the block, just a few stores down. Tony looked confused.

“No.” Obviously.

“Then that’s where I’m going.” He turned on a dime.

“Oh, come on, don’t be like that.”

“And why shouldn’t I be?”

“It’s been three years—” Peter’s eyebrows nearly met his hairline.

“I don’t care how long it’s been! You left me, remember?”

“Believe me, I remember, but can you at least give me a chance to explain myself?”

“Why should I care about anything you have to say to me now when you didn’t even listen to me when it mattered the most?”

“Because I know you, Pen. I know you like explanations, I know you don’t like to be left in the dark—I know you.”

“You don’t know me. You knew Penny. I’m not Penny.” When Tony said nothing more, Peter took the time to send his S.O.S. to MJ and Ned, who shouldn’t be too far now—MJ’s apartment is only about a mile or two away. But Tony, being Tony, didn’t like the silence that buzzed between the two.

“So… what should I call you?” Peter forced his laugh then, squinting at him with a grin.

“Cute.”

“Look, I… I’m sorry, I didn’t want—“

“I don’t get you!” The younger interrupted. “You held my hand with such pride when I was a woman... but when I asked you to call me Peter... you looked at me with such disgust—such disappointment and hatred.”

“Is that how you saw it? Disappointment? Disgust?” Tony looked hurt. “Pen, I—“

“You broke me. You single handedly shattered my heart into a billion unfixable pieces...” Peter felt his eyes beginning to tear at the edges, but he bit back what he could. A car horn honking pulled him from his rage—MJ and Ned in her Jeep to pick him up. “‘Sorry’,” he scoffed, shook his head, then turned to walk to the curb where his friends were waiting.

“Penny, wait, I—“

“Peter!” He shouted. “It’s Peter, not P-P...” he almost seemed afraid to say the name again. He hated the name. He turned, a grimace on his face, and reached for the car door.

“Peter... Peter, baby, wait!” Tony went after him, grabbed his hand, but Peter yanked it away. “I’m so sorry, Peter, I was an asshole to you and I know it, but please... let me make it up to you,” he said nothing as he stared coldly back into Tony’s eyes. “At least hear me out,” Pete bit the inside of his cheek in attempts to contain his anger, prevent the tears from spilling, and he trembled from head to toe. He glanced at his friends in the car, then spoke.

“You have 30 seconds.”

“Baby, please, that’s not—“

“29! 28! 27!—“

“I was an idiot!” Peter stopped counting. “I was an idiot...”

“Still are,” Tony gave a halfhearted smile.

“Very much so... you deserved so much better,” Peter opened the door then, lifting his leg to step into the car when—

“I was afraid!” Peter paused, yet again, then glanced over his shoulder in his general direction, but didn’t meet his gaze. Tony continued. “Peter, I loved Penny with every fibre of my being—I would have died for her. And when I met Peter... Penny didn’t stand a chance.”

“That literally made no sense,” MJ spoke. Tony wanted to glare at her, but his gaze was fixed on Peter.

“I was afraid of loving Peter more than Penny, and it seems selfish, but—Peter, please don’t go,”

“I’m done talking, Tony,”

“Then don’t talk.” Peter was sitting on the seat now, so close to closing the door, but Tony stood in the way. “Just… listen, please—I need you to hear this.” A silence hung in the air for a quick moment before—

“Pulling away in 3...” MJ began.

“5 minutes,” Tony pleaded.

“2...” Peter met Tony’s gaze and saw the desperation in his eyes.

The car door slammed shut and Tony watched as it drove slowly away. Peter, who had his hands buried in the sleeves of his sweater, one sleeved hand covering his mouth, was tapping his foot against the ground, a nervous tick Tony had remembered since the beginning, and refused to meet his gaze.

“Thank you,”

“You broke me.” Peter started, voice wavering just a tad. “You destroyed me—took away everything I cared about, everything I wanted in a relationship...”

“I know...” Peter caught his eyes then, dropping his arms to fold over his chest.

“No, I don’t think you do.” But the look Tony gave him, the look that won every time… Peter couldn’t convince himself that Tony didn’t know. “Start talking,”

“You mean the world and more to me, Pete,”

“Peter,” he corrected. “We are not friends—you call me ‘Peter.’”

“Peter...” he nodded, looked down and toed at the ground. “Would you like to grab a bite to eat first? Maybe a coffee, or a tea? We could sit down somewhere maybe a little more private,” Peter glared at him, eyes cold and furious. “Right...”

“Why did you leave me?” Peter asked. “I needed you—then more than ever before—and you left. Everyone I cared about was against me and I trusted you enough—out of everyone—to be there for me, and you turned against me, too,” he explained. “If it weren’t for MJ and Ned, I wouldn’t even be alive right now,”

“Peter—“

“Why did you leave?”

“I was afraid,”

“Oh, you were afraid?!”

“You didn’t let me finish...” Peter scoffed and tried to walk away again, but he only made it a few steps before he found himself turning around again to meet him. “Loving Penny was easy because it was traditional.”

“Are you fucking serious?!”

“I wasn’t afraid to love Penny, Peter!” He spoke over him. “Loving Penny was normal—no one could hurt us because we were just like everyone else. No one could come between Penny and me.” Peter looked confused. “When I held Penny’s hand as we walked down the sidewalk, when I wrapped my arm around Penny’s shoulders in a restaurant booth, when I kissed Penny goodbye before we parted—that was normal. No one questioned it. No one saw her and me as any different. But loving Peter?

“I would never be able to hold Peter’s hand as we walked down the sidewalk, I would never be able to wrap my arm around his shoulders in a restaurant booth, I would never be able to kiss his lips goodbye before we parted no matter how badly I wanted to, because him and I wouldn’t have been ‘normal.’ Him and I would have been in danger, because if they knew how head over heels in love I was with Peter—how much I absolutely adored you? They would have targeted you, and they would have hurt you and abused you to break me.” Peter didn’t bother to wipe away the tears that ran down his cheeks.

“Peter, baby, I can handle being a disappointment, being disowned and ridiculed and abused over loving a man—over loving you... but if they ever laid a hand on you? I couldn’t live with myself knowing that it was my fault you got hurt.” With a hesitant hand, Tony moved to cup Peter’s cheek and wipe away his tears, and if Peter ever asked him? Tony would easily admit that his heart swarmed with warmth when he didn’t pull away.

Peter let out a quiet sob and brought his hand up to grasp Tony’s tightly. The older placed a kiss to Peter’s forehead before pulling away, wiping at his own tears, this time, and untangling himself from Peter entirely. “I was wrong to do that to you.”

“Tony?”

“I was selfish and I thought I could protect you when I only made it worse,”

“Tony, baby, please, I know you didn’t—“

“I’m sorry,”

“It’s not your fault!”

“I’m so sorry,”

“No, come back!” His throat ached, but Tony wouldn’t listen. He just continued walking, wiping desperately at his eyes to dry his tears. So Peter ran to him. “Don’t you dare walk away from me,” Peter grabbed his hand, and that’s when Tony broke. “Look at me. Baby, look at me,” through tear clouded eyes, Tony’s eyes finally met Peter’s.

Without a single care or shame in the world, he kissed him with everything he had, and he held on tight. “Please don’t leave me again,” Peter whispered.

“I love you so much, Peter,” he kissed him again. “I never stopped.”

~~~~~

(in which Peter and Tony dated in high school, Peter came out as trans in high school, and Tony was afraid people would hurt Peter, so he broke it off. this fic is set after high school, as they are now adults and are seeing each other for the first time since their break up)

#starker #peter x tony #tony x peter #peter parker #tony stark #ned leeds #mj jones #high school sweethearts #male x male #break up #make up #fanfiction #my words #my work #peterbabytt #transgender Peter Parker

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neitimatch · 3 years

Text

So Basically a fanfiction idea

So, this’ll be basically just rambling. Since I got an idea for BNHA fic after reading some and decided to write it somewhere, even though I might never actually write it, seeing as I’m already swamped with buncha stories along with work etc. This’ll have trans headcanons and femslash.

Oh well, here we go:

Magne and Midnight both survive but neither of them are in good shape. There might be some timeline differences since I want both Magne and Midnight at the same hospital at the same time.

On Magnes case, the villains realize that they need to get her to hospital or she would surely die. So they show her up at the hospital and she ends up in the heroes custody. She will be in a coma for few months and then wake up. Some time goes past and none of the villains come to visit her cause, duh, they would just get caught. Until one of the guards acts differently than normally and they turn out to be Toga. She tells Magne about all their plans that they are going to bust her out and she’ll come with them and they will be whole family again. But Magne isn’t nearly as enthused and just tells Toga that it would be safer to just leave her here. The heroes would surely have a way to track her by now and she doesn’t want to put rest of the League in danger. Then Toga is like:

“You are the heart of the League, Big Sis, you can’t just give up. I- we can’t just give up on you.”

And then Magne, in big sis fashion, puts a hand on Togas shoulder and just tells her that her number one priority is to keep them all safe now. Toga cries but accepts that this is what Magne wants.

Then Midnight ends up in the same hospital in really bad shape. Izuku wants to go see her but Inko is a bit iffy, fearing that since Midnight is in such a bad shape the villains would just come and stab her or something and Izuku would be hurt too. So she tags along(Don’t question it, it’s mom instinct and even if your child could level down buildings it’s still mom’s instincts to try to protect them.)

When they come to the hospital, Aizawa is there, just leaving to go see Magne. Though he doesn’t tell that to Izuku. The moment Midnight(referred as Nemuri from here on out) sees Inko, she is immediately smitten. She answers and talks with Izuku while low-key flirting with Inko. Inko though, in a fashion, is oblivious.

These two, Inko and Izuku visiting Midnight and Toga Magne every week, continue for a little over a month, until they happen at the same time.

Toga visits Magne, but when she’s leaving, she decides that it would be fun to see what kind of other patients there are in the building and maybe stab them a whole bunch. She goes through some who all seem boring, but then she comes to Midnights room and sees Izuku and Inko there with the hero. She is really happy at first, since Izuku is there, and she reasons that Inko will be as good as Izuku since she is his mom. Toga is about to make her move but she sees Inko hugging a crying Izuku and something in her just snaps and she stops. She keeps looking at the scene and feeling something. Usually it would be jealousy or hatred, because of her parents. But now she just feels longing.

Toga stands there and doesn’t even realize when her disguise disappears, she just keeps looking at them. Izuku then proceeds to see her and goes full on protective mode. But Toga doesn’t do anything, she just keeps staring. Inko realizes what Izuku is looking at and goes to confront the girl, not listening to Izukus pleas to stay, since this silent staring Toga seems much scarier than the normal insnae one.

Inko and Toga look at each other while Izuku is like: Get away from her, she is insane, the more she likes someone the more likely she is to stab them, I should know!

But then realizes that Toga is not looking Izukus way, she is just silently staring at Inko. She brings up her hand and just keeps it towards Inko.

And then she starts crying. And backs off.

Inko feels Toga’s pain and is like: If you want, we can talk more tomorrow evening if you come to my place.

Toga looks back and nods and Izuku is going nuts.

Toga meets Inko next evening as Izuku is at U.A. She is completely reserved at first. But when Inko asks what happened to her next to Nemuris room, she just starts sobbing but also telling her story. How her family hated her, how heroes turned a blind eye when she was thrown out. How all of the people who tried to help just tried to force Quirk suppressants on her. That everyone, until she joined the League, just saw her as something that needed to be fixed, none who accepted her fully. She tells Inko that not her Quirks power, but that she needs blood. She is basically a vampire so her mental state will deteriorate if she goes without for too long.

Inko at the end, while Toga is just having a break down and sobbing, is hugging the girl and is like: Imma adopt her!

Next morning, while Toga is still sleeping at Izukus bed after crying herself to sleep, Inko goes to Nemuri, who she has started low-key dating(they are putting it off until Nemuri gets released). She tells her about what Toga told her and Nemuri is like: They won’t let you adopt her since they see her as a danger and don’t think you are strong enough to have her at house arrest. She will also take this surprisingly well, seeing as she saw Toga when she was at the hospital thing. She then tells crying Inko that she’ll do her best. Nemuri is then released the next day.

Though before she leaves the hospital, Nemuri goes with Aizawa to talk to Magne. And she asks AIzawa to leave so she can talk with Magne girl-to-girl. Nemuri tells Magne about Toga situation, and at first Magne is really scared for her little sis, but then Nemuri asks what she would give to have Toga safe, and Magne is like: Literally anything as long as it doesn’t hurt her chosen family(aka the league).

Nemuri is not really that happy, but Magne tells her that while they would most likely not gain Leagues secrets, they would still get two high ranking away form there. Nemuri then decides to make a deal with Magne: Toga will be safe and so will she, but Magne needs become a trans-advisor to U.A. and take Quirk suppressants, she will also be allowed to transition medically(since she wasn’t allowed before due to being a villain). Toga would go to U.A. to study to be a hero and they would keep an eye on both of them there.They would not ask for Leagues secrets, but one misstep from either of them and they’ll both go to jail for the rest of their lives. Magne agrees.

Nemuri ends up adopting Toga(Now Kayama Himiko, referred to as Himiko from here on out.) Nemuri tells Inko what had happened who is extremely happy. Himiko takes the adoption and and deal really well, though she is sad that she can’t go to play with the other League members anymore. She is somewhat weary of her new mother, who is also weary of her, but after few weeks they get along fine, though Himiko refuses to call Nemuri mom and just sticks to first name.

Meanwhile Izuku is having a mental breakdown in school, as they have started to question their gender. It started with a party they had hosted where all girls had boys uniforms on and boys girls, and Izuku realized they really enjoyed having a skirt on. The first idea that they came to was that they were a cross dresser, but it just didn’t sit well, so they started to do some research. Then they had a talk with Aizawa, who contacted Tiger, thinking Izukuthat he would know way more about gender issues than a sleep-deprived professor. Izuku and Tiger talk, but seeing as Tiger is a trans man, while he can understand and give advice, he also advices Izuku to ask more from a trans woman. Izuku is more confident after the talk, and few days later Aizawa tells the class that they have a new gender-advisor and Izuku goes to immediately meet her, aka Magne, gets scared seeing the ex-villain, but after a bit calms down and they talk. Magne snarks a lot but as Izuku continues to be truthful and looking kinda scared of themselves, Magne starts to feel the old big sis powers kicking in, and she talks with Izuku seriously, at the end they both feel much better, Magne even telling Izuku to come back whenever they wish if they need. Few days later Izuku goes back to Magne and tells her that they are indeed, a trans woman(Referred from now on as Izu, and later on Izumi), Magne then advices Izu that she needs to do what is best for her, telling people she fully trusts first and going from there. Izu acknowledges this and thanks Magne, who is then like: Just call me Big Sis.

Izu tells Ochako, who is first little bit lost but the full on supportive, she also tells Tsu whojust smiles and is like: Kero.

Few months go by and Himiko has started to call Nemuri: Mama or Mama Nemuri. She is not really that much different, but with steady supply of blood now granted to her, she has lost her bloodlust. She also, since Nemuri and Inko are dating, calls Inko: Mommy. The school year is also coming to an end and Nemuri decides to propose to Inko, who says yes and they move in together.

When the year finally ends, Izu shows up at her home, with her support group ready as she is going to tell Inko about her being trans. Her support group consists of Todoroki, Ochako and Tsu. Though what she does not know is that Nemuri and Inko have moved in together, so when the door opens and out bursts Kayama Himiko, yelling: Big bro Izuku, not only does Izu get bad dysphoria, but also is just scared about Himiko being here. Himiko then proceeds to be like: Since we are siblings now my love for you is purely platonic!

And Izu is like: Thank god, I’m straight so it would have just ended in heartbrea... wait what siblings!?!?!

Himiko then proceeds to jump Ochako, who catches her in a bubble and they squabble a little. The group then goes inside and Nemuri and Inko tell whats up, Himiko is contantly clinging on Ochako, who has stopped trying to force the girl away since she would just come back anyway. Izu then asks to talk with Inko privately and tells her mom about her being trans. Inko is totally just like: I HAVE TWO DAUGTHERS NOW, AWESOME!!!

Like, WAY, too excited but it makes Izu feel better, Izu also tells her mother that she will go by Izumi from now on. After they talk and cry a bit Izumi goes back to her friends and Inko gets Himiko and Nemuri and tells them whats up. Nemuri has a small shock but gets over it really quickly and just can’t seem to stop smiling. Himiko on other hand completely flies of the fucking flip, not because Izumi was trans, she had Big Sis Mag after all, but because she remembered that she had misgendered her at the door. Himiko literally LAUNCHES herself at Izumi and just keeps telling her how sorry she is, with full on teateristics and all. Izumi just smiles and tells her that she didn’t know and its okay now. Todoroki leaves for his home during night after a romantic? farewell with Izumi.

Next day the girls go to shop new clothes for Izumi, they have bunch of money as Nemuri had been like: Take my money and use as much as you like, my new daughter needs clothes, dammit!

And they bring home a total haul. Some lazing around clothes(Tsu) Casual clothes(Ochako) and erotic clothes(Himiko, who constantly kept telling Izumi how much Todoroki was going to like them later on.)

When the school starts again, Izumi goes in with girls uniform and informs all of her changes, while most people are fine there are some, mainly Bakugou, who is not very kind at the beginning(He will warm up and stop being a transphobe later on and become the cool Aniki type) and the the class pervert(who keeps asking about literally everything trans related and asking for Izumi to perv for him. Don’t worry, he’ll get kicked out from U.A. or just dies somewhere and nobody cares)

After few weeks of school, Magne calls Izumi to talk with her(She has been on hormones for months now and lost muscle mass. She looks like a ripped lady now with all working parts(Yes I know this is not how it works at the moment at our world, sadly, but this is a fantasy world and it can have super effective hormone treatment, dammit), she tells Izumi that she can start her medical transition. So Izumi starts.

During the fall break, Nemuri and Inko have their wedding and Himiko and Izumi are going to be the flower girls. Bunch of the students attend. Later during the reception, Bakugou meets Izumi and asks her for a dance. Izumi agrees but only after her boyfriend, Shoto Todoroki, had promised to keep an eye on them the whole time. Bakugou apologizes to Izumi and while they don’t immediately go back to being friends(years of abuse plus transphobia, not gonna be easy) they start being more civil towards each other with hope that maybe later on they can be friends again.

Meanwhile Ochako has finally decided to act on her feelings and show Himiko who is the top of their relationship. Himiko is is more than happy with this development as they keep kissing outside the reception. Nemuri and Inko, who had asked before Izumis thoughts on the matter, finally tell their daughters that Izumi is now legally Nemuris adopted daughter, and that her and Inkos last names have been changed to Kayama.

Epilogue:

Inko and Nemuri are happily together, loving their children and grandchild.

Himiko and Ochako have a daughter and are engaged. Ochako is overly protective mom and Himiko is the 'cool' mama.

Shoto and Izumi are married and Izumi is pregnant.(Fantasy Woooooorrrrld~~)

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thatonend · 4 years

Note

💗 i would like to know more about you fren

:DD awesome!! I'm just gonna say a few facts that I've probably said a million times and I'll say them again-

I have adhd

I'm 14

snakes are the best pet, even tho I've never had one

cats are better than dogs

I am an undiagnosed insomniac

same with adhd and my mild depression and social anxiety

I do art that turns out really bad, especially humans

I write fanfics but then I lose motivation and totally forget about them

plus they're shit anyway

I roleplay Sanders Sides, mainly, but I'm up for some Supernatural too

the best show in existence is Supernatural, Sherlock coming in a close second

Sanders Sides is amazing

I really wanna roleplay a Sanders Sides au with Supernatural like two of the sides are brothers and ya get it

I'm asexual, possibly just graysexual

I'm Polyamorous

I'm polyromantic

I have one partner, Grey

I live with my three brothers who are 9, 17, and 21

I have no sisters

I'm agender and use they/them pronouns

I live with both parents

I tend to stay in my room most of the day, only coming out when I'm forced to or for meals

I go to sleep any time from 9pm-6am and sleep until 7am-12pm

but it's going to end up being 10am bc my parents won't let me sleep in later anymore

I will not drink hot coffee or tea, only iced

I despise Brussels sprouts

I call myself and my bf gay constantly

I make gay jokes

I'm not supposed to date until highschool but I said fuck that I'm getting a jf in 8th grade and a bf a few months later

I live in the USA

I live in the Midwest where I end up saying "ope" alot

I don't have an accent from my state

not a sports fan, regardless of pretty much everyone else liking the Vikings

I've driven down to California for vacation last summer, it took 10 days to go there and back as we went camping too and saw Mt Rushmore

I'm 90% sure my little brother is going to be gay

I have dyed my hair purple and want to dye it green or red next time

I have an undercut

my bangs are basically a mohawk

I have glasses

I read fanfiction for a living

I don't have a job nor money

I want to make art and sell it but I can't do art

I like to paint alot, usually just pride flags

I make custom wallpapers for people and I'm making pride wallpapers for pride month (I'll be posting them eventually)

I say "that's gay" with everything

I am afab

I used to use the name Jay but I've decided I like Killian better

Killian can be shortened to K, Kill, Killi, or anything you can think of

my bfs bf calls me Jay KKK bc he once when "Jay-kil-kill-killian-" so yeah

I'm closeted about my agender to my family because I have transphobic siblings

I've told my parents I'm lesbian and turns out that was a lie

I have 2 straight friends and that's it

my favorite color is blueish green

I am allergic to cats, yet I have one

I will read any Sanders sides, Sherlock, or Supernatural fanfic you throw at me. Harry Potter too

I'm willing to make friends of all types

I overshare online yet hide everything irl

I love getting asks as I usually don't get them very often except last night I was bombarded with asks and I was so confused bc y'all actually wanted to ask me things

I may do fanfic requests if y'all want

if you do the 👽 emoji in an ask I will let you know what you remind me of whenever, doesn't matter how far down my dash it is I will do it

I'll cheer you up in any way I can

I put others above myself, it's an issue

I get confused when people say they talk about me or think about me or even like me

like people actually mention me?? they care about me?? what is this??

especially when it's people I've never even met irl

I live about an hour away from current events happening in uh Minneapolis

I prefer winter when it's 30°F and I'm able to go outside with shorts and a t-shirt and not be dying from the heat

I go to Public school

going into freshman year this year

online learning is how I procrastinated everything until the last day when I somehow ended up with only one missing assignment

I took Spanish this year and I hated it so I'm doing ASL next year

I play flute and sing pretty much any part in choir, tenor through soprano but usually I'm alto

Aladdin is the best Disney movie

when I'm sad or empty I listen to mcr or Virgil's playlist

I hate spiders unless they're tarantulas or anything not inside my house

my room is in the basement

I usually only go on tumblr when I check notifs and then end up scrolling my dash for hours bc I totally forgot I was doing something else

I am on almost every single social media you can think of

I have multiple OCs, feel free to ask about them

Kayla, she/her, trans

Sil, ne/nem/nir, trans non-binary

Esma, she/they, demigirl

Veronica, she/he, bigender

Jupi, it/its, agender

I'll probably make more too

look at photo below bc I'm pinning this instead of that post-

I'll probably end up adding more since I'm going to pin this bc idk I feel like y'all want to know about me if you don't I'm sorry but too bad

below is another photo for rp details, yes it's a different theme dwi [[not doing any roleplays rn I'll link the post in a minute below]]

300 dtiys below

more details, mainly bc i get sad :( ↓↓

#about me #about killi #*picks up the phone* killian speaking?#(making tags easier for me)#save #art save #future save #writing save #char save #fanfic save #reading save #killi wants asks #ts save #long post

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ficauthor · 3 years

Text

Stark Contrast

Jimmy neutron fanfiction? in 2020? on my blog? more likely than you think.

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30911564

Pairing: none lol

Warnings: panic attack, Cindy has a mental breakdown on Judy.

Summary: It had been picking at her for ages, the differences between her and Jimmy's parents. The way that Jimmy’s parents blindly supported Jimmy's interests in the sciences and experiments while her own expected things from her. But she always pushed it away, kept the thoughts on it shallow. Finally, however, in a way that wasn't superficial she was able to see every gritty detail. And equally appreciate and hate the stark contrast.

Jimmy's body felt oppressive and overwhelming for Cindy, they'd been swapped for just over two weeks and Cindy had already hated it from moment one. Her peers laughed at both her and Jimmy, not knowing the situation but still aware that there must be some kind of competition going on between them. No one ever understood what was going on between them, their dynamic was weird to say the least. But the way that their peers jumped over concern immediately to derision was jarring. The teachers were concerned for her and Jimmy but in the way that made it clear that they did not want to deal with the paperwork anymore than they had to. worst of all was Jimmy's parents. She wanted to hate them, she really did, every time she walked past them or did something, they said affirming statements. Throwing around "son" "young man" and all sorts of other statements that were swallowing Cindy whole. She was always moments from crying. She knew they couldn't know that their son really wasn't their son right now, but it still made her skin crawl to hear those words. But regardless she could not hate them. Despite how much she wanted desperately to hate them for calling her those things she couldn't because she understood. Jimmy was in the same situation. Their overbearing constant use and reminder of Jimmy being a boy was their version of support. It just made her feel hollow inside. Like she was being scooped out with a melon baller like a pumpkin on Halloween. Her parents loved her. She knew that. but they never got it like Jimmy's parents did for him. There was always this underlying expectation for her to be a certain way, act a certain way, carry herself with certain poise others didn't have to. Cindy sighed as she laid down on Jimmy’s bed. She wanted her room back, her life back. Most of all she wanted her body back. A creeping desire to rend her skin off of her lurked at all times, but she doubted Jimmy would appreciate her violating his body like that. She wanted her life back. She wanted to talk to Libby again in the halls freely. She wanted to make fun of the guys and have back her normal rivalry with Jimmy. No more long days in detention followed by hiding it from the Neutrons while also trying to get back at Jimmy for whatever he did with her body last. Goddard curled up next to her. He wasn't her Humphrey, but his metal was less cold than she expected, and he wasn't stupid. He knew she wasn't his master. And Goddard knew that she was Cindy, but he was nice to her regardless, and he helped her out regardless. "Do you think I'll ever get back to normal Goddard?" she asked him as she absentmindedly scratched him under the chin. He barked in affirmation. "Thanks, Goddard, at least you can believe for me." Goddard made a weird sort of cross between a whimper and a comforting noise as he snuggled up into her arms. "Thanks," she whispered. They laid there for a moment silently. If she closed her eyes it was almost possible for her to imagine everything was normal. If she focused just hard enough she could convince hers- "James Isaac Neutron!" Cindy cringed as Judy Neutron called. Cindy detangled herself from the bed and Goddard and made her way downstairs. "Yes?" "Explain these detentions, young man." Cindy opened and closed her mouth wordlessly; she didn't know what to do what to say. Her own parents would have grounded her by now. Heck, maybe she was grounded already. She didn't know how Jimmy would react in this situation. maybe he'd lie more? or admit to it? but she didn't know, she just wanted to cry, her skin crawled all the time, she was in a house that wasn't her own in a body that wasn't her own, being called a name and having pronouns that weren't hers used. And she couldn't breathe. Her face was hot, her eyes stinging. No not her face, not her eyes. Jimmy's, that thought just made the drowning feeling more intense. She opened her mouth again to say something. Words wouldn’t get out, couldn't get out. Air bubbled up in her throat as she strained to get a syllable out instead a broken sob came out. "Jimmy?" Judy's voice was so soft, so concerned. she was so gentle and kind in her tone. it was so, so Different from her mother. Sasha vortex was not kind and soft, understanding like Judy neutron was. She was a strick woman, the kind of woman that expected perfection at the most difficult of tasks she held cindy at the highest of standards. Piano had to be practiced daily. She whined at the thought of how much she must have degraded skill wise since the swap. She had to be the best in karate, play with the best, beat the best, be the best. There was no room for mistakes if she miss-stepped for a moment, faltered for a fraction of a second it was clear that she was be practicing for longer, more hors would be poured into the kicks, more money spent on more aggressive totours. Worst of all was science and math classes. She at least had an edge on neutron in english, he didnt like metaphors, couldnt understand them. But math? Science? Jerk excelled in those, they where is bread and butter, he did them as easily as he breathed. Judy wrapped her arms around Cindy gently rocking her while making soothing noises. Cindy was choking on her own spit and snot now as tears fell fast and hot down her face. She could feel her face, Jimmy’s face heat up and flush. She sniffled into the older woman's shoulder for who knows how long before Judy backed up and brushed the fallen strands of hair out of Cindy's face. "Now why don't you tell me what's going on?” her voice was so gentle so kind,” You haven't been acting like yourself lately at all. You're father and I are worried. You asked for more chores, made all sorts of strange demands, you cringe at the sound of your name sometimes it's like you’re not yoursel-" Judy cut herself off her eyes wide. Pieces seeming to fall into place for her. "Did Jimmy do some sort of experiment and swap bodies with someone?" Cindy sniffed as she nodded. "Well you can't be Carl or Sheen, neither of them would- Cindy Vortex?" New hot tears spilled out. Relief overwhelmed her at just hearing an adult, someone other than Jimmy or his friends say her name. "Y-yeah." "Come here honey let's go to the living room, then you can explain." Cindy's shoulders dropped the tension slinking out. An explanation, but the way she asked for it was, not demanding, not like Cindy needed to. It was- a request. Cindy's breath caught in her lungs at the realization. Never, never had her parents ever asked for an explanation for her actions. Especially when Jimmy Neutron was envolved. They either did not listen to her and spent their time punishing her and listening to the adults near the situation, or they demanded to know what happened. Not why it happened never why, it didn’t matter she was already in trouble she knew that early on. But they certainly made it clear that they wanted all the details. They were sitting on the living room couch now. Cindy waited, she waited for Judy to make a comment, ask a question. anything. But she just waited. "An invention went haywire and now we're both stuck in each other's bodies. He said it wasn’t supposed to do this, that he just wanted to read my mind to see if I was going to prank him." Cindy chanced a glance at Judy, her parents never liked when she did such things. But Judy’s expression remained calm. “He really shouldn’t be violating your thoughts like that, I’ll talk to him about it later. Now please, continue?” "And- I-," she took in a shaky breath," No one in town really knows this except my parents and Libby- I mean some other people know but no one has really brought it up in a really long time and I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't remember but-" Judy places a hand on Cindy's shoulder. Cindy took in a steadier breath," I'm trans, Like Jimmy is but in the opposite way. and my parents let me take hormone blockers and socially changed my name and pronouns. But this entire time I've been here you both have been calling me Jimmy and my par-" Cindy broke into tears again, the emotions to much for her to handle," I know they love me; I know they do, but-" she looked up at Judy who looked at her almost, heartbroken," they- they aren't as accepting, aren't as-" Judy's face fell as Cindy's voice died off. "Oh sweetheart," she Hugged Cindy again enveloping her in warmth and the gentle smell of vanilla and car oil. The dam broke at that. She rambled on and on. About her parent's unfair standards for her. About how it felt always being second fiddle to Jimmy especially with her parent's expectations. Some of her extended relatives’ reaction to her coming out. She just spilled it all put in the open for Judy to look at and examine and do with as she pleased. But Cindy couldn't be bothered by being that vulnerable with the woman. It was different somehow. Okay in the kind of way it never was with her parents. "I actually used to be friends with Carl and Sheen believe it or not," Cindy said with a laugh. It been hours since the conversation had started now. "Before I- well it was before you guys moved in. I don't know if they remember." Judy shook her head," those two are sweet boys, but not very bright I'm afraid." Cindy choked out a laugh," yeah." They sat there in silence, Judy comforting Cindy. "If you want though dear," Judy said finally," to ever talk to me after you and Jimmy get switched back feel free too." "You mean it?" "Of course, I do." Cindy smiled, it had been picking at her for ages, the differences between her and Jimmy's parents. The way that Jimmy’s parents blindly supported Jimmy's interests in the sciences and experiments while her own expected things from her. But she always pushed it away, kept the thoughts on it shallow. Finally, however, in a way that wasn't superficial she was able to see every gritty detail. And equally appreciate and hate the stark contrast.

#My Writing #Trans! Jimmy Neutron #Trans! Cindy Vortex #this fandom may be dead but im not #this is also for the three people who read the last fic #this is for you babes and its only gonna get more specific #also yeah this is linked to you can erase memories but not love #but like losely the kind of way that your first time watching tv and graduation are linked like they happened but not a big thro line

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hana-and-her-bs · 4 years

Text

IRL Hisoka's Bullshit: A Comprehensive Guide

Welcome to the long ass timeline of david’s lies and misdirections. Make sure you’ve got time before you read this, it’s almost 4,000 words long.

(hana, while editing this to post: please add a “keep reading” cut right here.)

Our tumblr family’s first encounter with David was when he made a headcanon request in my inbox. He asked for several characters with an s/o who is depressed and self harms, adding an extra comment on the fact that he wasn’t feeling well lately. When I refused this request and said he could talk to me about that if he wanted to, he sent in another anonymous ask apologizing for triggering me or anyone else and asked if he could tell me why he was feeling this way. I assured him that it wasn’t a big deal and referred him to several nonspecific helplines. He then sent in another ask, this time he coming off anon. He told me that he was trans and that his dysphoria was really bad lately. I answered this ask privately with several more specific hotlines and a little bit of advice. He thanked me in another ask and headed off to sleep.

The next event in our little timeline is Hana’s hate anon. The earliest appearance I found was on July 29th, although I know there were some before that. This is only a hateful ask and not the essay that led to Hana’s hiatus. That essay was submitted by an anon on August 1st, and it got lots and lots of love and support from many, all of them rightfully telling Hana how amazing she is and defending her against the hate. Hana then announced she was going on hiatus. We believe David took notice of the attention she received here and decided he wanted a little of his own.

Mere hours after Hana’s hiatus announcement, she made a second post entitled “Hiatus of Hiatus (Momentarily)”. The body text of that post said, “Please stop Dming me and telling me not to kms. I’m not going to, I promise. I really don’t want to be reminded that I’m in a position where people think that I would do that. I’m sorry, I appreciate the concern, however, I’m not suicidal in the least.”

These are the first few events in our timeline. Remember, every claim here is alleged. If we’re wrong about everything we look like assholes, so everything is alleged.

Now to the interesting part. On August 3rd, David made a post that said, and I quote, “Can you please, please stop sending things to my inbox saying ‘you’re still a girl’ and ‘you’re a fag and a tranny’ Please I’m so tired of it”. Are you noticing a pattern? The phrasing of this post is uncannily similar to the phrasing of Hana’s “Hiatus of Hiatus (Momentarily)” post. There were no posts about getting any asks on his blog at the time, and no one who has been following him since August 3rd remembers there being any. It’s unlikely he answered some in a post and then deleted them, as this doesn’t appear to be a habit of his in the future. In looking for receipts for this timeline, nothing we were looking for had been deleted. Not a single post. So it’s highly unlikely he somehow managed to post these anon messages and then delete them before any of us could read them. Another possibility is that he deleted the messages as soon as they entered his inbox, and that’s a reasonable argument. The only thing that makes this illogical is the fact that he posted every other anon message in the future. It makes no sense that he would delete the first ones and decide to answer the second ones publicly. It would make more sense if he had hate anons that he was posting first and then decided to delete the messages after he got fed up with them. But that’s not what happened, as you’ll see later.

At this point, David is only claiming to have hate anons. We have two theories for why he didn’t just send himself hate messages at first rather than only claiming to be receiving them. One is that he used this post as an interest gauge that he wanted to see if he’d get as much support as Hana did when that hate anon’s essay was posted. The second is that he hadn’t thought of the idea yet, that he hadn’t realized he could send them himself instead of waiting for someone else to come along and send some for him.

He then made a post on August 4th saying “I’m done. Absolutely, done. Wtf is wrong with you anon. telling me to kms. I’m doing what Hana did I forgot what it’s called tho. Fuck you anon. I’m waving my white flag [white flag emoji].” This is him saying he was going on hiatus like Hana had announced only 4 days prior. Again, there is no actual evidence of him receiving any real hate anon messages yet. It’s unlikely he did. Hana had 250 followers at the time of getting hate anons, while David had no more than 10. While it’s not impossible for him to have actually gotten hate anon messages, it’s highly, highly unlikely for reasons previously stated and reasons yet to come.

David didn’t really go on hiatus at all. To give him a little credit, he didn’t post anything notable for about 3 days after this, but I’d hardly call that a break. On August 7th, though, all hell broke loose.

August 7th was the most notable day in the entire timeline. Because this was the day when we saw the first actual hate anon messages. The first one he received said “Hi! I just wanted to say Your just a fucking tranny and a fag and god hates you. Please delete this app! Your fics aren’t even that good. They suck. Also kill your self nobody would care!” To which David replied a simple 3 dots. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never actually seen David write anything on his blog. I know he has, but I feel like you’d have to be awfully active on his page and have been there from the very beginning to know about the fact that he’s posted fanfiction. After the first post got a lot of backlash from myself and David’s other mutuals at the time, a second and third anon message came rolling in. These had a much more loving theme, however. They weren’t the hate anon, but a couple of anons supporting David (one of which was me). After David replied to those two positive anon messages, three more hate messages were posted with equal amounts of support for David in the replies as before. After that, three more love anons pulled in, again, one of which was myself. A final anon message appeared for the day, and with that, the hate anons were over for the 7th. He got another love anon after that. The next anon message posted was one of the last love anons asking for a request. Again, he doesn’t really write and the fact that requests were open wasn’t advertised or even written anywhere, leading us to believe this anon is also David himself. The anon asked for headcanons with a couple characters dating a demisexual girl. David said he’d have to do some research because he didn’t know what the term demisexual meant and asked a few more clarifying questions, claiming the headcanons would be posted “Monday or Tuesday”. It’s been over two weeks since then and no such headcanons were posted. This led us to believe that he was this anon, and that he was using this ask as fuel for future hate anon messages. The final thing that happened on the 7th was a request clearly made to trigger someone. It had mentions of suicide and sexual violence, both topics David has expressed he is uncomfortable around. Again, I think this message was sent by David for aforementioned reasons. He doesn’t really get requests and not many people knew he took them. However, to play devil’s advocate, he did get that anon message asking for a demisexual reader before this and this supposed “anon” could’ve gotten the idea there. Unlikely, but possible. (an added note after: I told David in a dm that day to turn off the anon option so that the hate anon could be traced, and he refused. Just an interesting detail.) That wraps up August 7th.

On August 8th, he posted that he punched a cop and was placed in a holding cell, being released sometime on the 8th. It’s unclear when he was originally placed in the cell, if this happened at all. After this, he received another hateful message, assumedly from the same anon as the previous night. This one criticized him for not knowing the meaning of demisexual and insulted his appearance and his writing once more. He apologized for not knowing the definition and moved on, until another message popped up insulting him and misgendering him. Both of these also got a lot of backlash from myself and his other mutuals at the time. We were encouraging the hate anon to come after us instead of David in these, which will come into play later. He also got 4 more love anon messages, one of which seemed to be written by him. It said, “I love your writing, sir. Pls don’t listen to rude people. I hope I rote this correctlly English is my second language.” As Hana can confirm, non-native English speakers simply don’t type this way. It was very clearly written by someone with English as their first language pretending to be someone who didn’t know the language very well. This looks to me like he has been sending himself multiple love anon messages to encourage other real people to do the same, and he’s trying to make it look like there’s a lot of different people supporting him rather than the same few, which leads us to believe several other love anons were also David himself. Again, all of this is alleged, it’s just what it looks like from here. After those few love anons, the hate anon appeared again, only this time, it was in Anarchy’s inbox. Anarchy defended David fiercely, much to David’s satisfaction, I imagine. There were multiple exchanges between Anarchy and this supposed hate anon, each time Anarchy responded with a lengthy paragraph about how much she appreciated David. In one of the anon messages, the anon used David’s deadname, which he never listed on his profile (obviously). You might think that’s damning, but he explains it away later. The last things that happened on the 8th was that he made a post saying how much he hated being with his mom and step mom due to then treating him unfairly. This led to a post that said, “Hi this is davids step mother. I don’t understand why he has been saying these things. I will be taking his phone because I have never done this to him.” This is unlikely for a number of reasons. How did the step mom know what he was saying if we almost know for sure she doesn’t have tumblr without having taken his phone already? And who makes a Tumblr post about taking their step son’s phone away right after doing it? It reminds me a lot of that one Xbox live chat where the kid pretended to commit suicide and then acted like his father messaging the person who “caused his suicide,” but I digress. He later updated his followers by saying he didn’t let her take his phone. Riiiiight. Okay. Moving on.

August 9th was a big day for David, or at least for who he’s portraying himself to be. Not at first, though. This was the day he claims to have moved in with his boyfriend and the day he was proposed to. Or at least, that’s what he wants us to think. But we’ll get to that in a second. The first thing of note that he posted that day was that he was having trouble with his dysphoria, which led to multiple anon messages reaffirming his gender identity. He also posted a storytime that also supposedly happened that day about going to the beach. To quote it: “So me and my boyfriend went to go for a walk along the beach. We’re walking and I have to go to the bathroom luckily there was a restaurant not to far from there so I just ran because ya bitch had to pee. Anyways a girl started hitting on my boyfriend while I was In the bathroom (he told me and i saw when i came back) so i’m walking back up and what do I see? a girl really close to my boyfriend and she has her hand on his shoulder so i start To walk over there and my boyfriend sees me and runs and jumps into my arms and kisses me. The girl rolls her eyes and leaves. I’m a blushing mess from the PDA. I put him down and go get Ice cream.” Now, this is just a nitpicky thing, nothing to do with the rest of the points made. But that story looks like it was ripped right off of r/thattotallyhappened I’m so sorry if it was actually true but at this point, with how much he’s (*ahem* allegedly) lied about, I wouldn’t put it past him. Back to the main thing that happened on the 9th. This is the first point we have definitive proof for. If you reverse image search the image David posted of the engagement ring, it brings up the following pages:

And what do we see when we click on one of those links?

A list of different kinds of wedding rings and their respective pros and cons, including this very image. I think it’s safe to say this website didn’t rip this photo from David’s tumblr page. Get excited, people! This is indisputable evidence that he lied and there’s no way to explain his way out of it! Awesome. Moving right along, this is getting hella long.

August 10th. Nothing really notable about this day, David posted a submission about how to block anons though. This was also the day that the hate anon came into my inbox instead. Not to attack me, but to attack David. Again, at this point we’re going with the assumption that David is the anon. I defended him again, and when I got sick of it I turned off the anon option to see what would happen and surprise surprise, no more anon messages. That’s about all that happened on the 10th.

On the 11th he claimed to have gotten r*pe and death threats without posting the anon messages. At this point, it’s almost reasonable to believe he deleted them right out of his inbox and moved on. Almost.

On the 12th, the hate anon was back in my inbox. They sent me two asks, one of which I responded to and the other I didn’t. At the second one, I blocked the anon’s IP address, meaning that they could never send me another ask again, anon or not. What’s damning about this is that after this day, I never got another ask from David again. Normally he’d at least send something while ask games were going around, but from that point on I got absolutely nothing. This is almost definitive proof that David was his own hate anon. Another thing that happened that day, after Hana flirted with me a little bit publicly he encouraged us to date. That’s wrong for a number of reasons and seems extra creepy now, but we won’t be getting into that now.

Things died down a bit until the 15th. This is the day the hate anon supposedly forgot to press “ask anonymously” and revealed themselves. The account was someone he claimed to be his sister, but the entire account was based around David and there was no previous activity and as soon as all the (*cough* manufactured) “drama” died down, the account disappeared. Just stopped existing altogether. We think David used this account to explain how the hate anon seemed to know him so well, even though the account seemed a lot like it was created and run by David. There was a dm conversation between David and this sister account posted on David’s account, basically with the sister insulting him and him responding very calmly to that. He only posted the hate message the sister sent off anon after he’d said it was his sister. What I’m wondering is how David knew this account was his sister by just reading the username. If there was no previous history (indicative of the account being created with the sole purpose being to hate David) how did he know it was his sister? It’s not like he’d think to just ask her irl if that was her account. Another thing that happened on the 15th was a post about him talking with his uncle. To quote: “I was on the phone with my uncle (who hasn’t seen me in 7 years) and he asks how old i am and when I tell him, he gets so quiet. Like is he surprised?” Notice how he doesn’t list a specific age in the post. He’s told everyone in the tumblr family group a different number, and he’s trying not to allude to that fact. He also claims to have had a big verbal argument with his “fiancee” that day where his fiancee threw his ring at him and packed up for his sister’s house on the 15th only 6 days after their alleged engagement. We don’t get another update on that until the next day, the 17th.

The 17th was when “Jackson” and David officially broke up.

On the 20th, a mysterious account called “jackson-periodt” showed up, reblogging David’s posts publicly begging David to take him back. But David refused. Like the sister account, this account had no previous history and disappeared after the “drama” subsided. The fact that we know now that he definitely lied about being engaged brings up all kinds of questions. What did he tell the truth about? Or, to be more apt, what didn’t he lie about? Is anything he’s told us true? Was he ever even dating a “Jackson”? And who asks for a second chance PUBLICLY on TUMBLR?

Then the 22nd, when all the pedophilia and predation came to light, David issued a half assed apology and hasn’t been heard from since. At least on his main account.

For awhile, there’d been a Carolina anon going around the tumblr family’s blogs and everything.

When David’s predation was brought to light, they came off anon, sporting the URL @/carolina209. Awfully similar to the Jackson alias, don’t you think? It’s just like the other accounts, the sister one and the Jackson one. No previous history, no profile picture, no banner, nothing but a title and a bio. You’d think they’d be a little more fleshed out, but they’re just… not. This Carolina anon was in everyone’s inboxes in our little tumblr family besides mine. That might be because they just don’t want to talk to me, or it could be because the hate anon, David, and Carolina accounts all have the same IP address that I blocked. Outlandish, I know. But if you look on the @/hana-and-her-bs account and all the screenshots of dms between Hana and Carolina, it starts to look a little more believable. Carolina’s flighty, her stories don’t add up. And she’s claiming to be a BNHA writer without having done any actual writing or anything to allude to the fact that they even actually like writing. Sound familiar? It should. Now, again, playing devil’s advocate here, it’s very possible she just hasn’t gotten around to posting any writing yet. After all, her account has seemingly only been around a few days. But she got real close to us all real quick, especially to Logan, the previous object of David’s revolting behavior. The Carolina account has tried to make it very clear that they’re a minor. If David is behind it (which we’re 99% certain of), this absolutely discredits his entire apology post. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn’t be trying it a second time.

Another thing that convinces me David is behind this Carolina account is that Carolina is defending the fact that David’s a minor. Not outright, but subtly. If you check those aforementioned screenshots, you’ll see what I mean. The account implies it has proof that David is 16-17. It seems like he’s trying a little too hard to sell this “innocent little girl who’s just soooo afraid of the scary bad man” persona on this alt account. The whole thing is just a little suspicious.

And that’s everything we have so far. It’s a lot, I know (3.8k words worth my lord), but I hope you can all understand just how deep this goes. We thought this was a simple case of predation, when in reality it’s a very clear pattern of insecurity and compulsive lying. Again, all of this is alleged (except the ring part. That’s not alleged, that’s definitive proof) so don’t @ me, alright? Alright.

Dishonorable mentions:

He claims his birthday is on August 5th, while the Carolina account (supposedly a close real life friend of his, but we think is actually David) says his birthday is the 6th.

He told me he went on a first date with a boy 2 months ago, then got engaged on the 9th. When I asked him how long they’d been dating, he said 3 years, then he clearly claimed to have been dating him for 7. It doesn’t add up.

Claims his dad left him and then days later says his dad is the nicest person you’d ever meet and that he lives with his dad while his sister lives with his mom. Again, doesn’t add up.

He reblogged anti-pedo posts about having pedo apologists unfollow him, and said, “its disgusting how two people unfollowed me.” while literally being a pedo. This one’s more funny than annoying or disgusting.

The alleged sister account, @/okay-but-who-asked? They liked one of my posts, and I can’t prove it at all, but it’d be HELLA funny if it was because David forgot to switch accounts before liking my content.

A closing statement: David, if you’re reading this, please take a break from tumblr. From all social media, honestly. I mean that in the nicest way possible. I’ve said this over and over again, but I’m gonna say it again because it’s important. If you’re going to use your platform like this, you don’t deserve a platform. Full stop. Please take a break and come back when you learn how to act like a decent truth-telling human being. This story is honestly really sad to think about, the fact theory that you’re so insecure you made a hate anon persona to get attention. There are better ways to make friends, man, trust me. Get a therapist and figure it out. Pedophilia isn’t a valid coping mechanism.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Thank you, Babe! A timeline to keep in mind for the grand finale, which is postponed. For the time being, please try your hardest to make a friend like bond with Carolina, for I’ll be gone for 5 days starting tomorrow. After that, shit will hit the fan. ❤️❤️❤️ Hana

@jmeyerss @gayfanficanonymous @anarchytheselfshipper @red-riot-rat @squishytenya

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erintoknow · 5 years

Text

Something dumb

fallen hero: rebirth / retribution fanfiction. definitely spoilers here + putting my cards on the table with w i l d speculation about stuff we probably won’t get any solid information on until book 3 which... who knows how far away. But it’s more fun to do it like this then make a big nonsense theory post imo. i’ll be fucking shocked if i guessed anything right

uh... anyway! ~2.1k words [ao3]

–

This is novel; it’s almost eleven and you’re still not dressed. Just a bath towel. In someone else’s apartment. Julia Ortega is upending all the rules you’ve set to keep yourself safe. Can’t shake the feeling it’s going to be your downfall. Careless. Arrogant.

“So explain this to me, again.” Julia is eating breakfast at the kitchen table, sausage and eggs. You watch her from your position curled up on the couch, arms resting over the back. She watches you back.

“Which part?” Try to smile, try to make it look natural, normal. Are you succeeding? You can’t know.

You try not to look at your arms as you sip the cup of coffee. Julia had insisted, given how little sleep you had gotten. Nightmares, always. You can’t run from ghosts. Can’t run from yourself. Wherever you go, there you are.

Julia stabs a tiny sausage with a fork before waving it in your direction. “Let’s start with the basics. What actually is a re-gene?”

You bite your lip. “What actually is a person, Julia?”

She flinches, “I’m sorry. I mean like.. I know how people are uh, made. But re-genes? It’s more complicated than the official story, I’m sure.”

Stare into the coffee cup, watch the little swirl of creamer. “I don’t know,” you finally admit.

“You don’t know?”

“Do you think they tell us anything they don’t have to? Do you tell your hammer how it was made?” You snap back at her, slump against the back of couch, hold the coffee cup stretched out before you with both hands. “I know they use the same kind of vats to grow the… the bodies like they use now in hospitals for transplants. Just… you know, they do the whole person.” You perk up, “Actually, did you know – they’re in clinical trails right now for this SRS option that combines lab grown with genetic engineering from the patient’s own genome to neutralize the risk of rejection, and it’s looking really promising and–”

“Ari.” Julia has a hand up. “Focus.”

“Right. Sorry.” You close your eyes, heat crawling up your face.

“I mean, it sounds great. Just… one thing at a time?”

“Yeah.” You blow air across the surface of your coffee mug, set the creamer spinning again.

“So you really don’t know anything?”

“Well…” You flinch, glance up at the ceiling, then back to her. “I mean, I would listen in. Whenever I had the chance. They were pretty good about keeping their guard up, but I mean… I’m just a thing so…”

“You are not a thing, Ariadne.” She looks at you, full force intensity. You have to look away. Can’t meet that. “Don’t ever forget that.”

“…thank you.” You blink your eyes, can’t rub without risking the coffee. “Okay. Well. You know how if you flash clone someone, beside committing a felony you’ve essentially just created like, an adult baby, right?”

“Yeah…?”

“The autonomic nervous system still works. Some basic behaviors, but like, babies still need to learn even the most basic elements of fine motor control. You can flash clone a hundred of your best solider, and they’ll all loll their heads back, sprawled on the ground drooling.”

“That’s what the whole chip thing is for right?”

“…right. We’re not ‘human.’ Just AI-piloted meat robots.”

Julia sits there for a moment, fork in her mouth. Her mouth tugs down in a frown. “Wait,” She puts the fork down. “That’s a lot of super basic behaviors for a program to handle.”

“Well. That’s the secret isn’t it.” Your smile turns dark. “We’ve made a lot of progress in mod interfaces and basic AI routines to run interface between the brain and servos. But Re-genes predate all of that. We still can’t get good enough AI to do proper image recognition.”

“So how…?”

“You cheat.”

“Cheat?”

Take a moment, close your eyes, will your heart to stop pounding against your chest. “What kind of program already knows everything about how the human body moves and operates? A program so complicated that writing it by scratch is basically impossible?”

Julia looks at you. Does she get it yet?

Dive on regardless. Don’t look back, jump the window. “Do you know what cognitive mapping is?”

She shakes her head. “No… I’m not going to like the answer, am I?”

You purse your lips, a thin line. “N-no, probably not.” You shift on the couch, take another sip of the coffee, will your arms to stop shaking. Some pilot you are, this body always acting on its own accord. “It’s been a theory for ages and ages. But, funny, no one can ever seem to get funding to seriously look into it. I think China maybe just started doing their own research on the question?” The taste on your tongue turns foul, bitter. “I’m sure that will end well.”

“What is it?” The tone of her voice, she knows. She’s got the idea. God you feel sick.

“Cheating.” Another sip of coffee. “Scan a human brain. Translate it into an electrical pattern you can store on a chip. You can even make copies. Quantum effects mean the copies won’t be– can’t be perfect. But you can do it. And you get something you can plug back into a body and it’ll know how to operate it.” You pause, tilt your head. “There’s an adjustment period. Every body is, uh… different you know. The adjustment is lot shorter than waiting fifteen years for a baby to grow up though.”

“Ariadne… are you telling me that–”

You push on, you’ve stewed on this for years. If you stop now, will you ever have the courage to speak about it again? “Obviously I can’t say any of this is for sure. Just… inferences I’ve made. Research I did after I… you know, after I left. But– The processing, the mapping. It’s destructive. The original brain doesn’t survive the process intact. It can’t. And– and–” You swallow, wincing from the tightness in your throat. “You can use a brain that just… just died. But, a living one is better. Clearer signal.”

The blood is draining from Julia’s face. It hurts to see. Somehow it’s worse, seeing her grapple with it than it ever was for you, hitting her with everything at once. It’s taken you years to get to this point, and you still feel sick. “Like Athena I sprang from my father’s head. But I killed him in the birthing. Well…” You blink your eyes, hard. “Some version of me did? Or proto-me?”

“Ariadne… I’m sorry, but that’s…”

“I wonder… D-do I get my own soul or did I just– just steal my donor’s?”

There’s a long silence to that. That’s fine. There’s no way to answer that question.

“Do you have any…?”

“Of Zeus’s memories?” You shake your head. “I–I don’t think so. There’s a lot of mystery to memory but it’s not hard to locate where the brain stores it. And then there are… logic gates? Firewalls? Mirrors. Mirrors that keep that kind of stuff locked out. If– if they even leave it in there at all. The goal isn’t to resurrect the dead after all.”

“That’s… I don’t know whether to call that a mercy or not, Ari.”

“They get other benefits for doing things that way too.”

“Other benefits? What other benefits?”

“They– the farm, the directive, whatever, they think the hero drug results are, are influenced by your mentality. They already… borrow DNA from boosts to uh, ‘boost’ the re-gene’s chances of surviving.”

“Fuck. Does that work?”

“I don’t know.” Chew on the inside of your cheek. “I feel like there are still a lot that got… recycled. For no powers, or… bad powers.” You stare down, voice bitter. “But we’re not real people, so… who cares, right?”

“So… wait.” Julia frowns at her scrambled eggs, then looks across the room to you. “Does that mean there’s like… other versions of you?”

“Uh–” You look away. “I don’t know? You mean, like, from the same uh, donor?” Julia winces at the word. “Or the same body?”

“Both? Either?”

“I don’t know. It’s a creepy question, though. Isn’t it? Am I even the original ‘me’ out there?” You shudder.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s fine,” you lie. “You know what I think?”

“…what?” Julia watches you, her expression unreadable. What is she thinking? What is she holding back for your sake? Does she hate you yet? Disgusted by you? Horrified?

“I don’t think it matters?” You bite at the inside of your cheek again, “I don’t know. It’s not like... It’s not like I don’t wonder. Maybe I’m trans because my donor was a woman? Or just my chip was in a female body previously and it picked up something there? Maybe they screwed up growing my body in the vat? Maybe it was on purpose and I’m just another sick experiment.”

“Ariadne...”

“A-anyway, the point is: Descartes is full of shit and mind-body dualism is bullshit too. Whatever the... parts of me where before, I’m just me now. This body... this mind, you can’t separate those. It’d be.. it’d be easier if you could maybe, but...”

Are you going too fast? Saying too much? You don’t want to lie anymore but– Julia is leaning over the table now, propping her head up with her arms. “And you sure about all of this?”

You put the coffee mug down on the end table, rub at your eyes. “I’m not sure of anything. I‘ve spent maybe half of my life on drugs by this point and–”

“Drugs?” Julia cuts in.

“That’s a whole other story.” You scrunch your face. Fuzzy, half-faded images floating to the top of your head. “And– and they can alter your memory, by the way. Erase things they don’t like. Another ‘perk’ to being a chip. Don’t ask me how I figured that one out.”

Julia is up from the table now, walking over to you, around the couch. “This is a lot to take in Ari. I think… I think I need you to slow down. Let me process. Before I do something dumb.”

You glance up at her, watch her sit down next to you. “Something dumb…?”

“Yeah, like burn down city hall.”

That gets a laugh. “Oh this is bigger than just Los Diablos.” You let her grab your shoulder, pull you in against her chest. You can’t relax. Not now. The tension burning in your shoulders. “But I… I understand. I’m– I’m really taking a risk here too you know.”

There’s just the beat of her heart against you, then– “Yeah. I know.”

“This apartment could be bugged, or the next one over.”

“It’s not, I promise you.”

“Hell, maybe they’re listening in via your mods, or–”

She waps you on the shoulder, laughing. “Get out of here!”

You huff, “I’m serious. Do you know what they’re doing in there when you’re getting an upgrade?”

“Well…” She shifts the hand on your shoulder, rubbing your arm. “No. I guess not. Thanks for giving me a whole new thing to be paranoid over.”

“Happy to help.” You lean into her.

There’s a pause then; “You know, if you’re right saying it out loud probably just screwed both of us.”

“Y-yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Stop. I asked you.”

“I’m sorry. For– for dumping all this on you. This isn’t even half of it.”

“I won’t lie Ari, it’s… hard to hear a lot of this.” Her voice is tense. Pained? Probably being truthful. You’re not sure how to feel about that.

“…I know. Thank you… for– for caring.”

“I’m just grateful you’re finally talking to me about it. Ari…” You can feel the words catch in her throat. You’ll have to prod them loose.

“What?”

“It’s just…”

“What?”

“I know I said I wasn’t going to make you stop but… maybe it would be better if you stayed low for a while? A long while?” She keeps rubbing your upper arm, fingers firm into your too-exposed skin.

“No.” Your voice is firm. You reach your hand up, pull at your hair. “I– I don’t want to hurt anyone Julia. Well,” You pause, wince. “Almost anyone, I guess. But–” You shudder, swallow down the nausea. “They have to pay.”

“Okay. I’m not going to argue against that, exactly. Just…”

“It can’t be enough to just… destroy the farm, either.” You narrow your eyes, glaring down at your legs, orange lines poking out from under the towel. “The–the very idea of the Directive needs to go down in flames. Every last cocksucking motherfucker involved needs their life ruined and their career on fire. They’ll wish they were dead.” You exhale, let the air out of your lungs in one long shaking breath. Realize your finger nails are digging into your palms. Let go. Try to let go. Swallow the pain.

There’s silence then; “It doesn’t have to be you, Ari.”

You bite back a laugh. it’s like you’ve come full circle in a year. From begging Julia to retire and let Adrestia go, and now, her she is, holding you up. Asking you. To let it go.

You can’t do that.

“Nobody else cares.” You push back against Julia, draw your legs to your chest, hug your knees. “And I’ll never be safe. They’ll never let me be. They’ll never stop haunting me.”

“I care. And so will others, if you just let them.”

A ghost of a smile on your face. “That’s a nice dream, Julia.”

“This isn’t going to make your nightmares go away.”

You swallow, press your eyes closed, turn your head in towards the crook of her arm. “I… I know.”

#fallen hero #fallen hero: rebirth #fallen hero fanfic #fhr #mc #ortega #fhr/Ariadne #spoiliers #speculation #fanfiction #wlw fanfic #wild speculation

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kayluh1915 · 4 years

Text

Questions for Fanfic Authors.

I answered these like... five years ago or so, but because the 6th anniversary of my first ever posted fanfic is coming up, so I thought I’d do this again just to see how far I’ve come over the years. It’s always nice to look back to see just how much you’ve changed and grown as a person.

Enjoy this completely useless information!

Stuck it under the cut because I don’t want to take up your dash space! <3

1. Describe yourself how you would describe a character you’re introducing. The young woman was shorter than average with long, curly brunette hair and eyes that matched the color of warm sea water . Although plus sized, she was healthy and stout especially in her legs where her muscles were the most defined. She was indeed a beautiful young woman.

2. Is there any specific ritual you go through while/before/after your writing? Eh, not really. I usually just get an idea and run with to see where it goes. If I think it’s worth exploring, I’ll properly plan or whatever needs to be done to flesh it out. At most, I listen to some ambiance to keep my ADHD occupied.

3. What Is Your ABSOLUTE FAVORITE kind of fic to write? As some of you already know, my guilty pleasures are mpreg, sickfics, and angst. My newest one is A/B/O, but I’m very picky about how it’s written and I have yet to write anything with it (hint hint, wink wink). I also enjoy writing smut, but I don’t normally post it.

4. Are there any other fic writers you admire? If so, who and why? I have a few, but they’re all spread out between different fandoms.

5. How many words can you write if you sit down and concentrate intensely for an hour? It depends. It’s rare for me to be able to focus that long unless I’m in a hyper-focus. I think my record is around 3,000 or so.

6. First fic/pairing you wrote for? I first wrote for the Ianthony fandom and my first story was a Oneshot I called “Polar Bear Swimming.” My first multi-chaptered fic was also for the Ianthony fandom and it’s called “Miracle.” Both are almost six-years-old and I don’t recommend reading them if you want to keep your eyesight, but they’re still up if you’re a daredevil. Just read at your own risk.

7. Inspiration, Time, Or Motivation? Choose Two. Inspiration is usually never that big of an issue for me, so definitely time and motivation.

8. Why do you choose to write? It’s an escape from reality... and it’s just really fun to pair people together. It most likely will never happen in real life, but it sure is fun as hell to make it happen in works of fiction. I also can’t draw worth crap, so words had to do.

9. Do you have plans to write anything other than Fanfiction? I might at some point. I wanted to have a book published not fanfic related by the time I was 21, but I’m 24 now and it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe one day, but for now I’m pretty content with writing fanfic.

10. What inspires you the most? Anything can be inspiration for me.

11. Weirdest thing you’ve ever written/thought about writing? Most of the things I write and think about are pretty normal for shippers, but the non-trans mpreg and A/B/O is definitely weird to the average person so probably that.

12. Fic(s) that you wished you had written better. EVERYTHING on my Wattpad. Everything over there absolutely reeks of new shipper and first time writer, but I keep it up just as a reminder of how much I have improved over the years. If you check it out, please do so at your own risk.

13. Favorite fic from another author? I have different ones spread through different fandoms, so I guess I’ll just name one from each fandom I’ve participated in. Some of these are old, but they’re still great!

Ianthony: Brilliant Blood, Beautiful Bones by @holmessexual-subtext. In fact, all of their works are just wonderful. Love you, Patricia! <3

Rhink: The Murmur of Yearning by @its-mike-kapufty. A wonderful writer/beta and an even better person. Hope you’re doing well, sweetie! <3

Victuuri: The Shadows On My Wall Don't Sleep

Danvin: The Robin to your Batman (the Louis Lane to your Superman)

Reylo: Baby, It's Just Biology

Freewood: Life is Good

14.Your favorite side pairings to put in? I tend to not use side pairings, but when I do it’s usually taken from real life couples.

15. Your guilty writing pleasure? Same as number three.

16.Do you have structured ideas of how your story is supposed to go, or make it up as you write? Normally, when I get an idea, I just throw it out on a word document. There’s no structure to it, it’s literal brain splatter. If I think it’s worth writing, I’ll then flesh it out to make it coherent. I used to do this only for my chaptered stories, but I now do this with my oneshots as well.

17. Would you describe yourself as a fast writer? Eh, it depends. Sometimes if I’m hyper-focused, I can usually type things out pretty fast, but more often than not, it takes a while.

18. How old were you when you first started writing? I wrote my first story on Microsoft Word 2003 when I was eight or nine-years-old. It was called The Little Ice Skater and it was just a poor retelling of the Disney movie Ice Princess and it was typed with caps lock on because I thought it looked cool.

19: Why did you start writing? I HATED reading stories because there would always be something about them that I wanted to change, so I guess my little 4th grade self just got tired of it and started making her own.

20. Four sentences from a work that you’re most proud of.

He’d known for years that Dan loved him no matter what, but what about his friends and coworkers? Would they have looked at him differently? Or would he even have any friends left at all? The answer seemed obvious now, but at the time he had been so unsure.

From my most recent in-progress fic Don’t Be Afraid of Who You Are for the Danvin fandom. It does contain trans-mpreg (shocker, i know) so if you wanna give it a chance, please be aware of that.

#kayla's ramblings #questions for fanfic authors #i would tag fandoms since i mention like six in this post but i don't want to clutter their tags so this is it

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hermioneclone · 4 years

Text

Ramblings about a cisgender queer person’s feelings about JKR’s TERFiness below, feel free to skip, I just need to get this out somewhere, and if I can’t get this out on my personal fandom blog I don’t know where I can.

It’s not like JKR’s TERFiness is new information. I’ve been shocked and horrified and disappointed every single freaking time she’s done this. I’m not sure why this time feels different. Maybe because each time she does this she makes it crystal clear that she isn’t at all interested in actually listening to trans people and their lived experiences. That many, many people saying “your words are actively harmful to me and my community” isn’t enough to make her step back and at least think about what she is saying and it’s impact. Maybe because she decided that in the midst of a global pandemic and a racial reckoning that this is where she decided to put her energy, and what that says about who and what she prioritizes. (I read a really great piece that talked about how the protection of white womanhood had historically been used as a weapon against black people and linked that to her actions, which honestly made her behavior make a heck of a lot more sense.)

In the past, I’ve been able to separate the artist from the text, but for some reason this time is harder. I’ve been having a hard time connecting with fiction since COVID started, and was already feeling blocked creatively before this. I had plans to continue the ‘verse of the fic I’d finished this spring (which I started during her last big TERF blow up in December and wound up making super queer because of it even though it was centered around a het pairing), but then the timeline of that collided with our own and I was feeling torn whether or not to write COVID into it. So maybe the force of yet another display of JKR’s nonsense on top of this is part of what’s affecting my headspace.

At the same time, how do I move forward if I don’t have this universe in some shape or form in my life? I’ve bonded with the closest people in my life over Harry Potter. Look at my URL, my profile picture. Yes, I could change my URL. I don’t even know if I could change my Ao3? But I have been hermioneclone for almost half of my life. I am much more than hermioneclone, it’s not the entirety of my idenity by a long shot. But that is who I am in fandom, no matter what fandom I’ve been in. If I’m not hermioneclone, who am I?

(Also, this is really petty and dumb, but I’m so annoyed that I never got to go to the Wizarding World park before I learned about this. Me and my old roommate talked about making a trip when we were both stabled financially and now that we are I know I at least can’t in good conscience spend hundreds of dollars at that place given everything that happened. I know it would have been just as awful to have had that experience and then learn about the TERF stuff later, but in a way I’m mourning the experience I’ve heard others gush about that was never feasible for me before this past year.)

When I was a kid, my mom used to have me make up stories of my favorite characters to fall asleep. Back then it was like, Big Bird, but it was my earliest fanfiction, even if I never wrote it down. Since then, that is how I go to sleep. If I don’t, I often find my thoughts swirling and toss and turn for hours. Getting lost in a story is how I relax. I often find myself going over the same story over and over, because it’s super familiar and I don’t have to think too much and I can fall asleep right away (or I forgot where I left off the night before). Sometimes these become fics, but many, many more do not. And, for the most part, it’s been Harry Potter, especially since Glee ended (aside from the five minutes I was hot in the Aristotle and Dante fandom). I’ve already had trouble accessing this lately, but now the characters who I usually reach out to feel like they have vanished in a puff of smoke. I can’t connect and I don’t have any others to fill the void, because I find relatively few characters or worlds who grab me in that way.

I start to think that maybe this is the time I finally get serious about writing my own fiction. But while it is a goal I would like to work on, it’s not conclusive to sleep in the same way. I can’t do anything, I can’t help anyone or try to make this world a better place if I can’t sleep, but I’m suddenly having to relearn how to do it (and I’ve never been good at it, not even as a baby). I know in the scheme of the world right now this is microscopic beans, but it’s really weird having a tool that I have used literally since childhood suddenly inaccessible to me, and it’s been an adjustment. Especially right now.

One thing that draws me to fandom is the ability to play in someone else’s sandbox. As COVID has made REALLY clear to me, I really don’t work well without some sort of externally imposed boundaries. I can be creative within that space, but I am not good at creating it. World-building is my Achilles heel. I’m so grateful that the fandom, at least that which I engage with, is so unequivocally against this bigotry. I’m glad to know that I am not the only one struggling with this. But at the same time as I LOVE aggressively queering the narrative and Harry Potter Says Trans Rights genre of resistance, I’m feeling really weird about playing in someone’s sandbox who is causing so much harm.

I know engagement with different fandoms ebbs and flows; I wasn’t super active in this one for 5-6 years. But I really wasn’t ready for that to happen with this one again, not yet. I have stories I have spent years, in one case over a decade on that are yet to be finished but I hate to leave incomplete. I hope that I can get back to the point where I can engage with the best parts of fandom again while finding ways to push against the worst parts of the text and support those who it does not. But today isn’t that day (to engage with the text, not the supporting people part).

#my life in a nutshell #hc wriites #hermioneclone writes #aggressively queering the narrative is cathartic #harry potter says trans rights #long post

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migleefulmoments · 4 years

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"She can certainly not claim to publicly identify as a lesbian, the individuals she has discriminated against with her theme night, as she is married to a male" I get frustrated with the things Abby says, but I think this is the first time I've ever felt upset/angry. Mia's never said she's a lesbian, she's heavily implied that she's bi, which is 100% valid despite her marriage. As a bi woman, comments like Abby's genuinely hurt. She needs to stop speaking for a community that isn't hers

She really got herself out of control today. I rarely get super upset with the things she says nowadays- I’m used to most of it- but today was really awful. Her comments about the flannel Dyke night promotions really hurt my feelings since my gay daughter came home to do me a favor and was sitting in her flannel shirt today commenting about how amazing flannel Open Dyke Night sounded to her and it just hit too close to home. Even if I don’t share the exact pain they caused you, I too felt her words were especially vicious today. The biphobic comments were really atrocious. Claiming you aren’t legitimately part of the gay community if she can’t see you being gay is horrible. It’s in line with her comments about Darren acting “daisy”. She only understands the stereotypes, what she learned watching Glee, what she learned from her beloved cc fanfiction (mostly written by straight women) and that’s about it. She isn’t interested in learning anything from actual lesbian, gay, trans, bisexual, or queer people. Nor is she interested in doing any reflection or introspection on her own beliefs about the LGBTQ community and why so much of what she sees at TSG fills her with rage. She won’t even acknowledge- and she has been told-that the hosts of these events are members of the community who have a lot to say about their events- things she could really learn from. Instead, she continues to scream that “DYKE is a hate word that hurt queer people” without realizing the hypocrisy of choosing what words she believes the community should and shouldn’t consider hate words. Flowers always uses two toilet emojis when speaking about Lulu. I’m not sure if Abby writes that herself often but she certainly reblogs it and will continue to use it if she is replying to a comment by Flowers.

I worry so much about speaking for the community- I never want to presume and I never want to overstep. I end up erasing and rewriting and erasing and rewriting my response trying to stay in my place but be a stellar ally. Abby is the polar opposite. She’s labeled herself a supportive, accepting, staunch ally and nothing will convince her otherwise. She was angry today and her rage led to a bunch of really hurtful comments. I would like to believe she was being thoughtless but I know people -including me- have told her how offensive and painful her comments about the LGBTQ community are and yet she repeats the same bullshit time and time again. The bisexual slurs were new, she has never had reason to comment before as today was the first day she really thought about the idea that Mia has hinted she’s bisexual for more than just a cursory denial.

She definitely needs to stop speaking up for a community that isn’t hers. The most important part of being an ally is listening and she outright refuses to hear real people in the LGBTQ community.

Hugs to you!!!!!

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dontwantthenextcommanderiwantyou · 5 years

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1-70 🙊

really… Really... R E A L L Y… How very fcking BOLD of you 😂

You know what, since I’m in such a good mood after watching Juliana “Braver than every Marine” Valdes go off on her deadbeat abusive father and defend her love for her soulmate Valentina, I’m actually gonna answer all 70 for you.

1. You just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

Tumblr of course, gotta get caught up on today’s gayness.

2. You just walked into a bookstore. What section do you go to first?

Mystery, I only go into a bookstore for one author and it’s Iris Johansen.

3. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

Something that could probably end badly for us lol My friends and I always look back on our nights out saying to each other “atleast we didn’t die tho”

4. You just turned your car on. What station is the radio tuned to?

I don’t have radio stations set because I can’t stand the commercials, I need constant music when I’m driving so I always have my phone playlists on.

5. You have just woken up for the morning. What is the first things you do?

Go to the kitchen because I’m hungry, look around at the food, then go back to bed because I’m still too sleepy to make something to eat.

6. Complete this phrase: You cannot buy happiness, but you can buy____.

“but you can buy things that will MAKE you happy… such as dogs, a house in a safe neighborhood, a reliable car, medications and medical supplies, etc.”

7. What would you do if you woke up as the opposite gender?

First, I’d cry. Then I’d go practice my aim peeing standing up lol

8. Are you more likely to cook for yourself or buy food from a restaurant?

More often than not I’m cooking for myself, especially if I’m training because it’s cheaper eating healthy with homemade meals.

9. If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you rather lose?

I need my sight, hearing, and touch for sure, and I already know how much it sucks to lose taste after my radiation treatments, so smell would have to go.

10. If you could relive any one year of your life, how old would you be?

17, I’d wanna relive my first year of college.

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone you know?

My mom, brothers, nieces and nephews.

12. Would you rather be rich and dumb or poor and extremely intelligent?

Poor and intellige– nah fck that, I’d legit take being rich and dumb because if being dumb means I can secure my family’s future then I’m good, I could always pay someone to handle the brainy shit for me while I’m swimming in money lol

13. What TV character do you most relate to?

Tasha Williams from The L Word.

14. You just walked into a supermarket. What section do you first go to?

Sports & Outdoors… knowing damn well I don’t need to be buying anything but hoping to find a good deal on something so I can justify buying it.

15. Is sex before marriage wrong?

HELL NO! Sex is right… Marriage all together is wrong, wouldn’t recommend it.

16. You just won the lottery. What is the first thing you do with your winnings?

Buy a new phone and one-way ticket outta the state so no one can hit me up asking for money lol

17. If your best friend admitted that they have a crush on you, how would you react?

I’d be flattered and make some joke about her having horrible taste in women.

18. Will the USA ever have a female president?

**I’ll have an answer to this question after November 3rd 2020**

19. You are carpooling with your friends. Are you more likely to be the driver or a passenger?

Unless it’s my turn to be the DD, I’m not driving with my friends.

20. How short is too short for skirts and dresses?

That’s not for me to decide because I’m not the one wearing them so if a woman is comfortable with a skirt that barely covers her labia, then more power to her.

21. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, without any consequences, what food would you choose?

Pizza, there are so many variety of toppings that I’d never get tired of eating it.

22. It’s Saturday night. What are you most likely doing?

Reading fanfiction

23. You go on a blind date. Your date is extremely beautiful and physically captivating, but you hate their personality. Would you want a second date?

Ab-So-Lute-Ly fcking not! All of the beauty in the world can’t make up for an ugly ass personality. I mean we could be fck buddies, but never a “dating” situation.

24. How strict should gun laws be?

25. Would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team?

Worst player on the best team because I wouldn’t be able to stand being the one putting in all the work while my teammates slack off. Atleast if I’m on the best team I’d be able to learn from players who are better than me.

26. How well do you work with others?

Not well at all unless I haaaave to.

27. You have the ability to cure only one fatal disease and eradicate it forever. What disease do you choose?

Whatever disease is most deadly to dogs, I’d eradicate that one.

28. If you could go back to college and choose a different degree to study, would you?

Nope, forensic science is what I was meant to study, I loved every minute of it.

29. Where do you see yourself ten years from now?

Bish I can’t even see myself 10 days from now, I don’t fcking know lol

30. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-Choice Pro-Choice Pro-Choice Pro-Choice Pro-ChoicePro-Choice

31. Would you attend a same sex wedding if invited?

Yes my gay ass would happily attend a gay wedding.

32. So far, what has been the greatest day of your life?

The day I landed in Germany for my first duty station.

33. Has anyone you know ever been arrested?

Yeah.

34. If it could be one season year-round, what season do would you want it to be?

Winter.

35. What is your biggest regret in life?

Not making my ex sign a prenup smh

36. If you could bring one celebrity back from the dead, who would it be?

37. What offends you the most?

Non-black people saying nigga. I don’t care if they’re white, latino, asian, any other person of color… or if they’re gay, bi, trans, any other minority… or if their sister-in-law’s baby cousin Tracy got a brother and his girlfriend’s black. If they aint black & they have nigga in their vocabulary, they’re a piece of shit, periodT

38. Would you rather have an ugly hairstyle or be bald?

No question about it…

39. At what age did you have your first alcoholic beverage?

Listen, I learned when I was like 8 or 9 to keep my ass in a child’s place when I tried to be slick and take a few sips from a beer can my cousin left on the table… only to get a mouthful of cigarette butts -_-

40. What do you think happens to us when we die?

Nothing, you just dead.

41. What do you think is the best way to quit smoking?

Have some willpower to not be an asshole who pollutes the air I gotta breathe.

42. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which animal would you choose?

Penguin

43. We’re humans created or did we evolve from earlier species?

44. What scares you the most?

Dying and being the introvert I am, no one would even know anything was wrong until 6 months went by without hearing from me, and my body’s just laying there decaying and making me unpresentable for my own damn funeral ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

45. What personality trait turns you off the most?

Being disloyal.

46. You got offered a job to do something you hate, but the pay will make you rich. Do you take it?

Yeah… then once I’m rich I’ll quit :)

47. If today you only had what you were thankful for yesterday, how much would you have?

Enough… not enough…

48. How often do you get mad or upset at yourself?

Every damn day

49. If you could choose one celebrity to be your parent, who would you choose?

Michelle or Barack Obama.

50. If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of you life, who would you be listening to?

The Rap God himself.

51. Have you ever used you cell phone while driving?

Guilty.

52. Had anyone you were close to die way too young?

Yes.

53. Is world peace possible?

*Refer to question 18*

54. You go on a blind date. You date is extremely ugly and physically appalling, but you are madly in love with their personality. Would you want a second date?

A bomb ass personality is worth a second date.

55. How did you discover that Santa Claus isn’t real?

When I realized that whole story never made any sense… no white dude was coming to the hood to give niggas toys for free. Momma aint raise no dummy.

56. Do you believe in God, or some form of higher deity?

I believe in Deism, the knowledge of a God based on the application of our reason on the designs/laws found throughout nature. The designs presuppose a Designer. Deism is therefore a “natural” religion, not a “revealed” religion. It is the recognition of a universal creative force greater than mankind, supported by personal observation, perpetuated and validated by the innate ability of human reason coupled with the rejection of claims made by individuals and organized religions of having received special divine revelation.

57. If you could save someone you deeply cared about, but it meant breaking a law, would you do it?

IN A HEARTBEAT!

58. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for money?

Enlisted in the military.

59. If you were to make a YouTube video about what you know most about, what would the subject be?

Being a ✊🏿 black 🌈 lesbian ♀️ woman.

60. What do you think is your greatest personality flaw?

I have very little patience.

61. If your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you still want them as friend?

Hey, if they’re honest then I can’t be mad at em.

62. Have you ever “woke up like this”?

Sometimes I do be waking up like this if I may say so myself

63. You got offered a job to do something you love, but the pay is one of the worst out there. Do you take it?

If it’s not a livable wage then obviously no. But if it’s a livable wage that doesn’t leave me with extra money, then yeah doing what I love is worth the sacrifice.

64. What do you think is your best physical feature?

100% my muscles, I don’t put in work at the gym and eat vegetables for nothing!

65. What do you think is your worst physical feature.

I’m 5′1″… 9 times outta 10 I’m the shortest adult in the room… aint that a bitch

66. Do you know anyone who has committed suicide?

No.

67. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone you don’t know?

Not knock them the fck out when they said black people need to be happy white people haven’t made us their slaves again yet.

68. Have you ever had a night’s dream come true?

Idk but I swear I have moments of deja vu tho, then I think maybe they were actually just things I dreamed about in the past… hell if I know.

69. How would you reject a date offer from someone you didn’t like?

Tell them I don’t like them. I’m all about being direct.

70. Which do you think is worse: Failure, or never trying at all?

Never trying. Nothing wrong with trying and failing, everything wrong with being too lazy to even try.

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toastingtotheghosts · 6 years

Text

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

a guy at summer camp - the one I almost dated. He was a goofball. He was a singer and an actor and never failed to make me laugh, no matter how bad I felt. We were in the same play and we both had lead roles, but we were both struggling with memorizing our lines. I was way more torn up about it than him, though, and he could tell. So he would encourage me like crazy. On a particularly hard day, he gave me a pep talk in the wings of the stage and randomly hugged me. Then, when our director said I had good energy, he put his hand on my shoulder and cheered. Just yelled “yaaay!” in the middle of when we were getting notes because he knew it would make me feel better. There are other things but I'll keep it to that.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Getting outed to my parents. It was at such a bad time and went so badly and messed so much stuff up.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

My eyes. They're yellow and I actually get compliments on them a lot. They're the only part of my body I don't hate.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

Oof. So. Not gonna go into the whole thing, but this girl. She sort of bullied me for the whole year but I put up with it because I thought we were friends. I finally got mad when she started regularly mocking my mom in addition to the other stuff. I sort of ended the friendship but there was a lot of drama and I sort of became friends with her again and now she's outed me as trans to a bunch of people so that's gr9

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

I came out to my friend as bi because of Google docs and the Greek god apollo. It's a long story

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

Honestly? I'm gonna say what I want to believe because that's nicer. I want there to be some kind of “spectator mode" where you can check on people before reincarnation. And then you can be someone who you want to be.Someone you'll love.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

Read fanfiction, listen to PTV and mayday parade, try not to self harm, work out too much, scroll tumblr

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

getting my tonsils out. It felt like my throat was burning

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

The aforementioned guy. Haha.

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someinstant · 6 years

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Ok, Scott Moir vs The World and 14! Also 8 clearly needs answering :P

Bless you. I’ve been rocking a migraine since Thursday, and my ability to write anything creative right now is limited by my occasional lurching to the bathroom to vomit– but I desperately want to write something today. So this will be it.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

Oh, gosh. I mean, the temptation is to say, “No, of course not, this is fanfiction, not a dissertation,” but– dude, ALL writing is about creating new knowledge of some sort. So, if I had to pin it down, I’d say that there were a couple of things I was trying to express through this story:

Scott Moir is not a clueless donut. Like, that read of his character really bothers me? Because it takes all of about three minutes of watching an interview with him to be able to tell that the dude is smart as hell, emotionally aware (now, if not when he was in his douche phase during his late teens and early twenties), and empathetic in the very best sort of way. So I wanted the story to be a bit of a repudiation of the whole Tessa-is-brilliant-and-Scott-is-a-goof thing.

Misunderstandings don’t have to be the center of a love story. When I was writing the fifth and sixth chapters, which is when the really ‘shippy bits of the story start, I decided that I wasn’t going to do the whole thing where conflict is the product of characters not communicating. Couple of reasons for that: (a) T and S have undergone a shit ton of counseling over the years, and communication has been a massive part of their training for years. They’d talk about shit, even if it was uncomfortable. And (b) as much as I love pining, slow burn stories, I admit that I get So Damn Frustrated when the only reason the characters aren’t together is because they just won’t fucking TALK to each other. So! Not being a clueless donut, Scott talks to Tess (and Dorothy and Danny) when he figures out what’s up with him in chapter five. Emotional competence: it’s attractive, guys.

In order to hustle at pool, you should: keep the stakes plausibly low, be earnest, and shoot for mediocre (rather than fucking awful) in your first couple of games. Be prepared to walk away and leave the money on the table if the other guy is bigger than you. Don’t gamble anything you can’t afford to lose. And try to rotate your hunting grounds.

Everyone should have airplane rules. Because when you’re crammed in a tube hurling through the air at 36k feet with a couple hundred other people, the only thing that makes the experience even moderately bearable is adherence to basic common decency. Whenever I travel with students– and I do this a lot, and internationally– we go over the first and most important rule of travel before we board the plane, and that rule is: don’t be a jerk. We tend to go over this rule in public, in front of the other travelers, just so that (a) the other people on the plane know that I know that seeing a bunch of teenagers board with you is horrifying, and (b) so that they know what standards I have for my kids, and © so that maybe THEY remember the cardinal rule of travel as well.

Scott Moir’s musical taste is broad, enthusiastic, and somewhat suspect. Sigh. I’m still mad about his playlist.

Truth is a construction of narrative, and reality is subjective. Obviously.

So. I think those were pretty much the things I was trying to get across in that story.

And as to the other:

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

Um. Well, I don’t know how to tell y’all this, but Scott and Tessa are not original characters. They’re based on these real people, who compete in this sport called ice dancing and….

Beyond the obvious, though: I do actually have running playlists in my head for most of my close friends and family, so that’s a real thing. Um, Tessa’s “Holy shit” and subsequent giggle attack after Scott’s preposal is 100% based on my BFF’s response when her now-husband proposed to her. Scott’s antipathy towards listening lab is based on how much I hated that in my Spanish classes. I watched Sense and Sensibility (for the millionth time) on a trans-Atlantic flight while the dude next to me watched The Revenant and Leo got mauled by a bear for, like, twenty minutes and we both were watching the other person’s screen for about 90% of our respective movies. And the initial scene I knew I wanted to write was the brief sequence where S and T are in the Kiss and Cry in Pyeongchang, and he squints and thinks about how he needs his glasses, because that is what I immediately thought when I watched their free dance: I don’t think he can see the scores clearly, I wonder if he wears glasses? Followed immediately by: damn, he would be hot in glasses.

And then I wrote, like, 16k words about it.

#ask me things #tessa virtue and scott moir #apparently i care about figure skating now #my fic #scott moir has to be fictional

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landofsomethingsomething · 7 years

Text

It’s so god damn easy to tear people down. People do it every day. It’s simple, it’s satisfying, it’s cathartic, it feels like balm to people who have been wronged, to people who have suffered, to people who have to live their lives outside this virtual space in fear and in real danger, in abusive households and abusive communities and situations that do not foster kindness, empathy, or the extension of good faith toward strangers. Being able to lash out safely from behind a screen at people that are safe to lash out at and who feel like a source of your continuing oppression -- that’s novel, at first. It’s invigorating. It’s freeing. The ability to be angry, to say angry things, to express your hurt and rage at any number of nameless or unnamable things is so fucking seductive it’s no wonder so many lgbt+ people have spent time in that place, have had periods of their lives where they engaged in this behavior and said what they wanted and lashed out without thought and allowed others so similar to them to enable their behavior.

It’s so easy to find lgbt+ people who are in pain. To take these people who are in pain and to give them targets. To mold young people and your peers and take advantage of their trauma (so like your own!) and whip it up, normalize it within your group, foster it on any number of available platforms. Focus it on whoever you deem deserving at any given time. Actions speak louder than words. Context is irrelevant. Dialogue is weak. Abusers are abusers are abusers, except when you’re the abuser, because the abuse you have suffered justifies your actions. Your abuse makes you relatable. Your abuse is more important, more valid, more meaningful, more deserving of the care and empathy of others regardless of your coping mechanisms.

It’s so damn fucking easy to just say whatever you want on the internet. It’s so easy to paint a group with whatever paintbrush you like, because no one fact checks, no one cares about context, no one concerns themselves with nuance, no one views the words on the screen in front of them as coming from another human being with an entirely separate lived history full of its own tragedy and triumph and biases and triggers and needs and understanding and hard fucking learned lessons.

We separate into teams and look for ways to score points against the other side. We make ourselves willfully ignorant so we don’t have to switch sides, or even better, remove ourselves from the game entirely. We busy ourselves with tearing our enemies down with unattainable standards, ignore our own hypocrisy, and look to our side to tell us we’re right, we’re right, this time we are right and we will not be silenced and we will not be bullied and we will not let them win.

Our actual abusers don’t see any of it. They don’t care. They go on living their lives. We take our rage and our pain and our frustration out in arenas we understand, in the places we feel safe, and the people we lash out at are the people who should be our friends, our allies, our brothers and sisters and nonbinary siblings who have suffered so much in a world that denies our sexuality, denies our gender, denies our expression, denies our right to exist.

We know our abusers won’t listen. We know our pain is nothing to them, a drop in a bucket. So we hurt the people that can’t help but listen, because our stories are so alike.

I went through an angry phase. I spent a few years screaming at people I felt deserved it, too. Some of them did and some of them didn’t, and doing so brought me short term satisfaction and a deep sense of power that I had not experienced anywhere else. A deep resonance with my own identity that I was powerless to exhibit anywhere in my real life, because family is complicated, friends are the choir and speaking up about microaggressions at work gets queer people fucking fired every fucking day, and you need that god damn money to eat. to live. to pay for your fucking brain pills.

So.

When you have a platform and a fandom and you feel that thrill of being heard, finally -- I get it.

But here’s the thing.

Your abuse never justifies levying abuse on others, strangers, people whose context you do not know and whose stories you have not heard.

Your emotions are valid. You are free to feel however you like. If you need to vent in private, among friends and colleagues and people you feel safe with, by all means.

Your favorite characters and your favorite ships and your favorite relationships and your fanfiction and your fanart may be how you express yourself or vent or cope. Your Shit means different things to different people, and to some, it means nothing at all. Let it fucking go. Your shit is not the bar of lived experience other people in fandom must meet to be considered sufficiently oppressed to spare them your bullying.

Your trigger and your context and your trauma is your own. It does not belong to anyone else. It is your responsibility to understand your limits and respect the rights of other creators, just as it is the responsibility of creators to properly tag and label their work to spare those whom it might upset the indignity of reliving their trauma within a space that is supposed to be safe for them. A space that for some may be the only safe space they have. A space that for some may be the only escape available to them. A space that, for some, may be the only way they can begin to express themselves, furtively, in stolen moments in an oppressive environment.

Fandom is where so many of us found ourselves. It’s full of us, lgbt+ people in various life stages, expressing ourselves in communities dedicated to content that made us feel enough to find ourselves here in the first place. It’s where children currently are discovering labels for feelings they have never had the words to talk about before. It’s where adults go in the midst of their busy lives to contribute to a body of work motivated by nothing but emotion for the source, for the community, and/or for the hope of encouraging feedback from their peers, their fans, their heroes, all three. It’s where everyone goes and discovers there are people out there just like them, after all.

It’s where people are picking their teams and suiting up and getting in line and hurting people just like them, every day.

It’s where people are putting the feelings and wellbeing and sanctity and rights of fictional characters over those of actual human beings who committed the grave sin of enjoying a thing a different way, or for different reasons.

Fandom is full of amazing connection and moments I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t be married to my amazing wife right now without it. But it’s also a battlefield in a bubble where I watch oppressed people tear each other apart every single day, while of course, in the meantime, outside the filmy fucking boundary between this world and the real one, the same privileged sorts continue to dominate every aspect of mainstream media, the white house is full of incompetent, hateful people, some of whom are literal nazis, white nationalists feel safe enough to wear swastikas on public transit in liberal epicenters, gay men in russia are being sent to death camps, the police are murdering people of color indiscriminately without fear of personal or professional consequence, the supreme court is one death or retirement away from setting back civil rights in the united states a century, trans people have to watch a nation of frightened pissbabies scream about the sanctity of public bathrooms while they themselves suffer from an increased rate of being literally fucking murdered simply for existing, gay teenagers ostracized from conservative families sleep homeless in the street with winter fast approaching, hurricanes devastate a dozen nations because this century has paved a political landscape where corporate profits prevail over basic human rights -- and you know what, fuck it, let’s make it a little personal --

half my family has never acknowledged the fact that I have been married for a year because they don’t believe it is a legitimate marriage because I and my wife are both women, my wife and I went to the hairdresser the other day and when we checked in with the same last name we were asked if we were sisters (and upon clarifying, the woman who was to cut our hair loudly and incredulously gasped, “is that legal here?”), one of my best friends, a woman I have known since high school (that’s 17 years ago, for those keeping count) was told she would have to undergo a thorough and lengthy process via working with HR, her boss and the owner of her company before she could represent herself as her correct gender at work - and even after she jumped through all those hoops, she was told she was absolutely not allowed to use the women’s restroom under any circumstances - When I told my father about my engagement, he tearfully turned to me and said “but you’re supposed to marry a guy, and have babies” - and because this was my father, who I have always had a good relationship with despite remaining closeted most of my life, who I have always and still deeply love despite the shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes, who worked 12 hour days in construction to support me after divorcing my mother when he was nineteen years old - I actually fucking felt guilty.

The memory of how I felt in that moment will follow me until I fucking die, and when I log on to this website at the end of the day and just want to fucking relax and spend time yammering about things I like with people who like those same things, when I just want to spend time in this space that makes me feel good, when I just want to create content for the joy of creating it and the joy of seeing others enjoy the thing I created -- the fucking last thing I want is to see myself, my wife, my close friends and fandom friends alike being put on blast by petty people leveraging a nebulous, ever-changing definition of purity, backed by a group of people I know have suffered and hurt and feel justified hurting others because of it.

Fandom is where we go to escape the hellish fucking bullshit that is reality, for fuck’s sake.

I don’t fucking care who hurt you. Visiting pain upon others in the aftermath is your choice. Bullying others because a group of impressionable, hurting people looking for a leader will follow you into the trenches here on a battlefield where we should all fucking know better is your choice.

Your feelings aren’t always your choice. That’s fair.

The way you choose to express and react to and process and deal with those feelings IS your choice.

Your actions are your choice.

So try to be kind. Try to be empathetic. Understand your feelings and understand when you are being manipulated and for god’s sake, when other queer people come out in droves to tell their stories, try to think critically, even if they are on the other “team.” Block content that upsets you. Use tools available to you to keep yourself safe! Blacklist tags. Blacklist URLs. Block people. Be frank about your triggers if you are able and try to give people the benefit of the doubt -- and if you can’t, put space between you and them, and then use the myriad of tools available to you to put a wall in that space.

I know all about the kind of catharsis that comes from being a “mean gay.” I know all about constructing a set of rules within a group and then judging others outside that group by that context and punishing them when they fail purity tests they knew nothing about. I know all about fighting disrespect with disrespect and anger with anger and logging out at the end of the day to go cry -- not because I was sad, but because I was so fucking angry I couldn’t process the emotion any other way.

I also know all about walking away from that life, that toxicity. I know about taking a break. I know about reading, a lot, for months and years, about experiences both like and very much unlike my own. I know about resolving to be better. I know about cutting out the people who made me worse, and keeping the people who encouraged me to be better.

I know how much my life improved when I endeavored to keep my venting and negativity among friends who could actually support me, in places where I couldn’t hurt anyone, and present a positive force to the public, instead. To lift up the things I like and to block and move on with the things I don’t. To let creators have their space and their platform here in this one place where we can each carve out some small part for ourselves and feel like we are in control for once in our fucking lives. I know I stopped crying so much. I know my hobbies stopped making me so angry, all the time. I know that the only times I have been truly, deeply upset in my time in this fandom have been when I have been targeted or those I care about have been targeted.

I know how fucking hard it is to tear yourself away.

I know how fucking worth it it is.

Take care of yourselves.

#text #personal #fuck antis #fuck purity culture #fuck gatekeeping #fandom is for everyone #the fights that matter are out beyond this fucking bubble #but we just cant help ourselves #and while were busy tearing each other apart #the backlash against the gains weve made threaten the lives and livelihoods of real people #we have too far to go to make ourselves and others feel so fucking awful every day for the sake of fictional characters #for gods fucking sake

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four-luck-o-brien · 7 years

Text

Fanfiction: Coming out is the easy part

One shot collection about Peter Parker. At night he is our favourite friendly neighborhood Spider Man but during the day he is just a normal transgender boy.

Current chapter: 1 Stick to the script (Coming out to Tony)

Summary: Peter has a hard time coming out to Tony.

Characters: Peter Parker | Tony Stark | Ned Leeds (minor character)

Special thanks to @transpeterparkers who prompted me and was overall very nice and encouraging. Check out their blog. They are amazing.

read on ao3

Chapter 1: Stick to the script (Coming out to Tony)

Peter was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Dressed only in boxers and a wide shirt, he listened to the noise of the cars that were passing by, the noise of the people who came from parties and were now going home, shouting and laughing. He heard every step they took, every little stone they kicked while walking. Tonight was one of those nights in which Peter was hyper aware of everything and it drove him crazy.

Sometimes he wished that his spider senses had an off switch. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t think and worst of all, he couldn’t sleep. He had been lying like this for what felt like hours to him.

Turning his head to look at the clock on his nightstand, he realized that only 20 minutes had passed since he had sneaked into his room through the window. He groaned loudly and rubbed his face with both of his hands. He hated this.

A sudden flash of energy rushed through his body and with a swift movement he jumped out of bed, backflipped once and found himself hanging from the ceiling, his hands tying a tight knot into the side of his shirt so it wouldn’t slide up and expose his skin. If there was one thing he didn’t need tonight it was thinking about how much he hated his body sometimes. Being trans came with a lot of ups and downs and recently the downs weighed more heavily on his chest than usual.

As if on queue, a sharp pain ran through his ribs, reminding him again why he was not supposed to wear a binder all day and especially not when he was fighting. He couldn’t do anything about it, though. He knew it was unhealthy. He knew it was wrong but the suit was tight and a sportsbra could just not achieve the same effect as his binder. People would see that Spider Man was not so much a man as he would like to be. Peter cursed angrily. Now he was thinking about it after all.

He let his arms dangle towards the ground before he started swinging lightly back and forth. Peter had noticed some time ago that this had a soothing effect on his body and sometimes it would even help him to clear his mind. Not tonight, however.

“You should just tell Mr. Stark,” he mumbled to himself.

Maybe then they could look into safer ways for him to bind and be Spider Man. He had been telling himself many times in the past months that after everything Mr Stark had done for him, he deserved to know. There was one little thing holding him back, however: fear.

Tony Stark was one of the manliest man Peter had ever seen. His perfectly groomed goatee, his overall appearance, his mannerisms – everything about him just screamed male. Not the body builder kind of manliness like Thor or the powerful athletic type of man that is Captain America. Peter couldn’t really find the right words to describe the type of man that Tony Stark was, but it was everything he had always aspired to be since watching the press conference in which he had confidently announced that he was Iron Man.

He had always idolized him and after that incident at Stark Expo, his adoration for the billionaire genius had just grown. Sometimes he couldn’t believe that Mr Stark actually knew who he was, that he had been at his apartment and that he had crafted a suit just for him.

What would he do if he found out that Peter used to be a girl? Would he hate him? Would he take away his suit because it’s only meant for real men?

It was 2016 and people still had many prejudices. There were many who hated everything Peter was and stood for. He had been called many names and choruses of “Penis Parker” still followed him wherever he went at school. It hurt but it was manageable on most days. But what would Mr Stark say?

Peter swung forth and let go of the ceiling, flipped and landed on the floor without making any noise at all. He wanted to believe that Tony Stark wasn’t a transphobe. He wanted to believe that Tony Stark would like him no matter what.

He threw himself onto his bed, grabbing his mask from the desk in the process and stared at it for a while. The eyes were crinkled and it felt like they were looking back, mocking him for his thoughts.

“I am Spider Man!”, he said much louder and with more conviction than he expected. Yes, Peter thought, he had proven himself and Mr Stark had acknowledged him, too. He would not hate him.

He put on the mask with practiced ease and determination but once his eyes had gotten used to the fabric he wasn’t quite sure what his intention had been.

“Karen?”, he whispered into the dark. It wasn’t even odd to say his old name out loud. The AI in his suit was a part of him and naming her Karen was his way of finally letting go of his past and make peace with himself, at least partly.

“Yes?”, she answered back and Peter automatically felt a little calmer. Knowing that she was with him gave him a weird sense of security. He smiled slightly but he couldn’t quite push past his worries.

“Do you think Mr Stark likes me?”, he asked before he could stop himself.

“I don’t know,” she replied in her usual neutral tone and Peter sighed inwardly. Of course she didn’t know. It had been a stupid question to begin with anyways.

“But Mr Stark seems to be worried about you. He checks in on your locati-”.

“Because he doesn’t trust me!”, Peter interrupted and felt a bit more miserable.

“-on and development. He is interested in how you handle the many functions and abilities of your suit. He left you a message 10 minutes ago. Shall I play it?”

Peter was baffled for a second and nodded slightly. “Oh… y-yes, please.”

“Hey kid. I’ve got a bit of time at hand this weekend. I need you to come over for an upgrade of your suit. And when we’re at it, we can get you a bit more comfortable with how to handle the suit adequately since you skipped a couple of lessons of the training program. Text Happy when he should pick you up. He loves driving you around.”

A grin spread on Peter’s face. He would spend a whole weekend with Mr Stark? And he wouldn’t only upgrade his suit but also train him? That sounded great and he couldn’t wait for it to be weekend. He sat up, suddenly pumped with energy.

However, his grin vanished as fast as it had appeared when a new thought came to his mind. A weekend had definitely more than 8 hours and there was only so much time Peter could wear his binder without it hurting and getting dangerously unhealthy.

“Shit,” he muttered and let himself fall back onto his sheets, all of his energy gone immediately. The biting fear came back, crawling slowly into his mind. He would have to tell him after all…

*~*~*

After the plane incident Happy had tried to be nicer to him. He didn’t necessarily talk more, nor was he delighted whenever he had to babysit Peter, but he seemed to be less annoyed with him, which was a start in Peter’s eyes. He was also convinced that Happy had smiled about something he had said an hour ago. That smile had been more like a half sided muscle twitching around the corner of Happy’s lips, but he took everything he got. Peter was a hundred percent certain that Happy was warming up to him. He wished, however, that this warming up involved his talkativeness in certain situations because he really could need some distraction right now.

They were sitting in the car, driving silently. Peter couldn’t think of anything clever or witty to say, also he didn’t really trust himself at the moment. Wouldn’t be the first time that he accidentally came out, just because his mind was so preoccupied with the thought: ‘How do I tell this person I like that I am trans?’ So instead of trying to start a conversation with Happy, he fumbled on the hem of his hoodie while trying to concentrate on the passing landscape. However, his mind was racing.

Peter was scared and would have given a lot to put on his spidey mask just to get Karen to calm him down. He had been rehearsing this coming out talk to Mr Stark at least 30 times during the past days and nights and was prepared for every scenario. At least he hoped so. And yet he was nervous and absolutely terrified.

It would be quite helpful of Mr Stark to stick to one of the scripts in his head. The thought was obviously quite ridiculous but it gave Peter some kind of security. If things went not as planned, Peter could still bail. His back up plan was just leaving in the dead of the night, which was why he was already wearing the web shooters underneath his hoodie. He tried to calm himself down, thinking of Ned and how supportive his friend had been. He usually found the right words to make him feel better.

- - - - -

“I don’t know how to tell him. I just…,” Peter let out a sigh. He was hanging upside down from Ned’s bed, his hair nearly touching the floor. He was solving a 12 sided magic cube but barely paid attention to it. Instead he looked helplessly at Ned who was sitting next to him, his legs stretched out over Peter’s and his laptop on his lap.

“Just do it the way you did it with me,” Ned replied with a grin but his eyes were still focused on the screen before him.

Peter smacked his friend’s arm playfully. “I can’t just blurt out 'I’m trans’ when he asks me if I want ketchup on my fries.”

“Worked for me, didn’t it?”

“Ned!”, Peter whined and let his arms drop to the floor. The magic cube rolled out of his hands and Peter observed with mild interest that it managed to cover an astounding distance for a thing that consisted solely out of edges. It stopped inches from the Stormtrooper which they had build last year.

It was Ned’s turn to sigh, but he closed his laptop and looked down to his friend.

“Pete, seriously. What is the worst that can happen?”

Peter used his hands to heave himself up onto the bed again. He faced Ned, but avoided his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

“He could take away the suit,” he replied, knowing full well that this was not the worst scenario he had imagined, but Ned didn’t need to know that.

“Tony Stark built that suit for you. He came to you and asked for your help. He took you to Germany to fight freaking Captain America and he continues to upgrade your suit every other week. He needs you, Peter! He needs you as Spider Man. So why would that change just because you were born with the wrong genitals?”

“I don’t know… people are jerks.”

“People are. Flash is. But do you really think Stark’s like that? He seems to be quite a nice guy. I mean, dude, he sent me a 'best chair guy’ certificate because I helped you with that vulture villain. All I got from school was detention.”

“You told them you watched porn on the school computer, Ned!”

“My point still stands,” Ned huffed but put his laptop on the floor to move closer to Peter. He put his hand onto Peter’s shoulder and smiled encouragingly. “Come on. It will be fine. Just be honest and tell him. I’m at least 80 percent certain that Stark doesn’t care what you have in your pants. I know that I don’t care and neither should he. You’re still the same guy and one of the best dudes I know. And if he is a jerk about it, he didn’t deserve you in the first place.”

Peter was close to tears. Instead of going for their usual handshake, he hugged his friend tightly. “Thank you, mate.”

- - - -

Peter had zoned out a little while thinking about Ned. That happened to him occasionally, mostly because thinking about his friend made him feel better and calmed his nerves. Now that he slowly came back to reality, he realized that something was different.

“Wait,” he muttered in confusion, rubbing his eyes, “that’s not the road we usually take to the compound.”

Now Happy actually grinned somewhat teasingly. “I wondered when you’d be picking up on that. Took you much longer than I expected. And here Tony said you’re a smart kid.”

Peter knew that Happy was just joking, but his brain was busy with the overload of emotions it was currently experiencing. They were not going to the compound? Where else could he meet Mr Stark? And Happy had not only smiled but also teased him like they were old friends? And most importantly: Mr Stark had said that he thought Peter was smart?

He tried not to stutter when he asked excitedly: “W-where are we going then?”

“Tony is going to meet you at his house. It’s sort of a privilege, you know? None of the other Avengers know Tony’s new home address. Well Rhodey does of course but anyways - you better keep your mouth shut and don’t tell anyone about this.”

Happy got serious during the last part and Peter remembered that he had been Head of Security some time ago. Peter also remembered seeing on the news how Mr Stark’s house in Malibu had been completely destroyed by missiles. He nodded in silence. He had never been surer that this was a secret, he would definitely keep to himself. It also helped that he hadn’t paid too much attention to where they were going.

That nod seemed to be enough for Happy because he hummed approvingly and then fell silent again. The car stopped shortly after that and Peter positively gaped at the house in front of him. It was huge and from what he could see in the dark it looked really beautiful. White walls, big windows and several pillars; the soft light which was shining through the windows gave everything a welcoming gleam.

Happy ushered him in. Mr Stark was nowhere to be seen but Happy, either having gotten instructions or being used to this guest thing, showed him around the house. Peter got a quick look at his room which seemed to be twice the size of his own bedroom but was similarly equipped. Double bed in the corner, a book shelf with a mixture of science literature and, weirdly enough, comics, and a desk by the window on which a computer screen was seated. Adding some posters and some merchandise and it would make the perfect room. He knew it was just the guest room but a boy was allowed to dream. And who wouldn’t dream about living in a house like this? Not that he wanted to move in here but it somehow gave him a nice feeling to think of it as his room in the Stark house. Peter decided against leaving his backpack in his room. He didn’t know whether Mr Stark wanted to work on the suit immediately and that way he was prepared (and hopefully left a good impression).

When they reached the big and elegant living room, Mr Stark entered the room and gave Peter his characteristic half smile. “Ah… FRIDAY said you arrived. Thanks, Hap. Good job.”

It was weird to see Mr Stark in anything else than a suit but here he stood, sporting a Black Sabbath shirt and black jeans. He was holding a big glass in his hand which was filled with the green stuff Peter had seen him drink at the Avengers compound, too.

“Come on, kiddo,” he said and went back downstairs again. Peter nodded at Happy with a big grin on his face before he hurried behind Mr Stark.

It turned out that the cellar of the house was a workshop. There were many screens, computers, Iron Man suits and loose parts of different Avengers equipment. Peter spotted a black bow, wings and a familiar shield. It seemed as if Mr Stark still tried to enhance the weapons of his team mates, even after what happened in Germany.

They moved towards the console but another thing caught Peter’s eyes: It was a robot which was shaped like an arm. It followed their movements and when Peter passed it, he heard an excited noise. He stopped in his tracks and looked at it with a frown on his face.

“That’s Dum-E.”

The robot made another noise and Peter smiled at it. “Does it… understand us?”

“He is sentient for the most part, if that is what you wanna know. Well, for a robot at least. First thing I built back when I was 16.”

Peter stared at Mr Stark in surprise. That was probably the first time he had revealed something personal about himself. Dum-E made another noise and poked him into his side. Peter laughed, put his hand onto the metal and patted it lightly. The robot hummed somewhat contently.

“It is a bit like a big dog.”

Mr Stark smirked a little but there was sadness lingering in his eyes. He had the feeling there was a much bigger story behind Dum-E than just a smart teenager building a robot.

“What’s it for?” Peter asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. He turned his head a little to see more of its mechanics. If he had to take a guess, he’d say that it was some sort of assistance robot what with the hand and shape of it. He wondered if its movement was accurate enough to help with soldering small bits and pieces.

“Not much. He is quite useless actually. Messing up everything.”

“Yet you still have it? Why didn’t you upgrade it? Or you know… throw it out?”, Peter asked with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

Mr Stark turned around, leaning over one of the many consoles so that Peter couldn’t see his face. But his voice sounded different when he replied: “Didn’t really think of that. He is…”

“like a friend?” Peter finished for him before he could stop himself.

“Don’t be silly. He is a robot.”

“But that doesn’t mean it can’t…”

Mr Stark turned around seemingly annoyed: “Just drop it, kid. We’re not here to chitchat.”

Peter was taken aback by that sudden mood change. It wasn’t a bad thing to have an emotional connection to inanimate objects. He still owned his very first stuffed animal: a white tiger which he had taken literally anywhere when he was still a child. Sure, it was different because Peter was only 15 but he knew for sure that he wouldn’t throw this tiger away. It was the only thing he had left that reminded him somewhat of his parents. But Mr Stark was different and obviously he seemed to have overstepped the boundaries. Just when he opened his mouth to apologize, Mr Stark cut him off.

“I’m sorry, kiddo. It’s just… a touchy topic. Anyways,” he cleared his throat and turned back to the console again. He wordlessly held out his hand to Peter but didn’t take his eyes off the screen.

Peter wasn’t quite sure what that gesture was supposed to mean. Was that Mr Stark’s way of asking for affection? Some people liked a pat on the back, Ned and Peter preferred hugs, MJ liked to punch people encouragingly into the side; so maybe Mr Stark asked for some sort of affection like this? Peter put his own hand onto the outstretched one and squeezed it in what he hoped was an encouraging way.

Mr Stark turned his head around, looked at him, looked at their hands and then looked back at him again, one eyebrow raised. “What are you doing?”

“I just thought… I- euh….” Quickly he let go of Mr Stark’s hand again, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

“Your suit. You’re supposed to give me your suit,” he said, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

“Yeah… that’s what I thought it meant.”

Peter kneeled down and took a lot of time to rummage through his backpack to find the suit,even though there was not much in his bag and his hand had easily found the soft fabric at least 3 times already. His cheeks were burning and he really just wanted to leave the room Alternatively he’d also like to bang his head against the wall. He had probably never felt more embarrassed in his life. He felt reminded of that hug incident some months ago in the car. He didn’t know why these things always had to happen with Mr Stark. He just wanted to impress him and not make a fool out of himself every single time he was alone with his idol. Why did he have to be so awkward all the time when all he wanted to do is appear smart and cool?

Once Peter felt that he was in control of his body again, he pulled the suit out of the backpack and gave it to Mr Stark.

*~*~*

Peter watched Mr Stark while he typed something on the keyboard, he watched the hologram of his own suit appear and spin around. He didn’t exactly pay attention to what he was doing with the suit, nor did he listen very attentively to Mr Stark’s explanations. It should have been fascinating to him and in every other moment that is exactly what it would have been. When Peter saw his suit, however, he was reminded what he wanted to do. The awkward situation just now definitely didn’t help to boost his confidence.

“You okay?”

Peter startled. “Y-yeah. Sure.”

Mr Stark again raised one eyebrow and looked at him. “You sure about that? You seem a little distracted.”

“Well… it’s just- I mean – you have a lot of stuff here. It’s really overwhelming. I… euh. There is just so much to look at.” Peter lied and wished he were better at it. He felt caught off guard and definitely not ready to have this talk now. In his mind he was still trying to get over his embarrassment. The fear was back now, too and he couldn’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong. His lie had apparently not been very convincing because from the looks of it, Mr Stark didn’t buy it at all. “Mr Stark, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“Let me stop you right there.” He got up from his chair and stood before him.

Peter felt very small all of a sudden and looked down. Even though he was Spider Man, he wished that he had the same feeling of self-confidence whenever he was not wearing his suit. Being snarky and having witty combats for every situation would be so useful. Instead he was standing here in the workshop of his hero and stared at his own shows. Only when he felt a hand on his shoulder he raised his head again.

“You don’t need to apologize but you really have to work on your lying skills. Not that I would ever encourage you to lie, but keeping secrets can sometimes come in handy. Don’t tell your aunt I said that! But seriously, I know something’s up when you’re not talking 100 miles per hour. Happy mentioned that you were awfully quiet during the car ride, too. So what’s wrong?”

Peter briefly wondered when Happy had had time to report to Mr Stark but he couldn’t concentrate on that thought for long. Here it was. This was his queue to come clean. It would be fine. It just had to be fine. Peter took a deep breath: “Actually… There is something I need to talk to you about.”

It felt like a confession even though he hadn’t said anything yet. Peter used his fingers to comb through his hair, a gesture he only found soothing when Aunt May did it but she wasn’t here and he had to try to calm his nerves somehow.

Mr Stark looked pleased, probably because he had been right about him but stayed silent. Peter sighed and moved to sit on one of the chairs behind him.

“Ah, it’s a sitting down 'I need to talk to you’ situation. You better not tell me you found a different mentor. If it’s the star spangled man with a plan I’ll be super angry.”

Peter understood the reference but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh or even smile. His nerves were killing him. Mr Stark seemed to notice that the situation was serious. He took a chair of his own, pushed it next to where Peter was sitting and sat down, facing him.

“Okay, Pete. What’s wrong?”

Peter took one last deep breath and then he let it all out. “Okay. The thing is… I want you to know this because I have actually grown really fond of you and you’ve been so nice and supportive and I am sorry for what I did on the ship and for not listening to you and I am trans and I just want you to accept me and the suit is great but I can’t really wear a binder underneath and I just-”

Mr Stark raised his hands to shut him up. “Pete, slow down and breathe. You don’t have to take the 100 miles per hour seriously. I won’t get any of that if you make one long word out of a hundred syllables.”

This was terrible and definitely didn’t go the way he had planned. The only good thing was that Mr Stark was still here, sitting next to him and smiling encouragingly. It would be okay. It just had to be.

“I am trans,” he whispered, avoiding to look at the man before him, “I used to be a girl but I am not anymore. I am on testosterone but I don’t get the shots as regularly as I should because May can’t afford them. I also think that the spider venom in me might be messing with it but I can’t say for sure. And I love the suit you made me but it’s very tight and I still have… well.. I haven’t had top surgery yet because I am only 15 and… well money. So I wear a binder underneath which is really unhealthy but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you because I was afraid you’d… and my uncle died but shortly after that you were there and I just want you to like me back in a way. That’s why I wanted you to know, not really because of the suit but because you’re somewhat like a father to me.. I should really stop talking now.”

He had spilled out everything. Every little thing he had thought about in the past months and much more than he had planned on telling Mr Stark. It was stupid to see him as a father considering that he barely knew the man but it just felt nice. Especially after his own parents and Uncle Ben had died, dreaming to have Tony Stark as a father had been so soothing to his bleeding soul. He knew that it was mostly his adoration for him which made him dream about that. But it was too late now. He had spilled the beans and couldn’t take any of this back anymore.

Scared what he would see, he raised his head and looked up.

Tony Stark was stunned. His face was ashen and Peter couldn’t quite read the expression on it. Was it scared? Disgusted? Pitiful? Peter didn’t know what to make out of it and felt terribly sick. He needed to bail and that immediately.

*~*~*

He had fled the workshop, mumbling wild excuses about how it’s been a long day and that he was tired and Mr Stark let him leave. Now he was in the guest room, pacing like a tiger in a cage. He didn’t know what to do now.

He left the suit in the workshop with Mr Stark but he still had his web shooters, so plan B could hypothetically still work. Peter stopped at the window and looked out. There was not much out there which he could use for his webbing. He’d have to walk quite a bit. And if he was honest, he didn’t even know in which direction he would have to go. His plan had involved an escape from the Avengers compound which was on familiar grounds. He didn’t expect to be at Tony Stark’s house for the weekend. Since he didn’t have the suit, he didn’t have Karen either and his phone was in his backpack which he had left in the workshop when he fled the scene because apparently he was an idiot.

Peter cursed and started pacing again. He couldn’t believe what he had said downstairs. His plan had been to come out to Mr Stark and not tell him all the other things that were going on in his stupid brain.

There was a knock on the door and Peter was not only pulled out of his thought but also lost his grip. He fell down and barely managed to pull the mattress from the bed with his web and landed rather smoothly on his butt. He took mental note to never use the ceiling for pacing again no matter how calming the prospect might be.

Another knock. “Peter? Can I talk to you?”

Mr Stark sounded uncertain and Peter tried to push away his fear. He didn’t sound as if he was angry and would throw him out of his house. He could do this. It would be fine.

“Yeah sure. Come in.” His reply sounded much calmer than he actually felt. His heart was racing, and he felt scared and sweaty. He really tried not to freak out.

The door opened slowly and Mr Stark stepped in, Peter’s backpack in one of his hands. He gave Peter, who was still sitting on the mattress on the floor, a confused look.

“Did you redecorate?”

“Sort of but I don’t think I like it.” Peter tried to sound cocky and seemed to succeed because the man smiled slightly.

“Well then we should put it back where it belongs.”

He didn’t really need help with moving the mattress back onto the bed but Peter nonetheless appreciated the gesture. It was a nice thing of Mr Stark to do and it also gave him time to think about his next words. Maybe he didn’t blow it completely.

Once they were done, they first stood awkwardly next to each other before Mr Stark sat down on the bed and Peter followed shortly after. The silence felt terrible and if Peter didn’t stop playing with the hem of his hoodie, he’d probably soon have holes in the fabric.

“Mr Stark,” Peter started but was interrupted immediately.

“Tony.”

Peter looked at him in surprise: “What?”

“It’s Tony. I wanted to tell you that before already. Just cut the Mr Stark crap and call me Tony. Everyone does and we’re gonna spend a lot of time together, so I’d appreciate it if you stopped giving me the feeling that I am old.”

Peter was stunned to silence again but his heart started beating a bit faster, for different reasons this time. There was hope because Mr Stark… Tony had used the future tense which meant that he didn’t want to get rid of him. Maybe he could keep his suit and continue being Spider Man. And maybe Mr Stark… Tony would still be his mentor. There was still hope that he hadn’t completely messed this up.

“Okay. Now that we sorted that out… your rambles from earlier.”

Sometimes Peter found the human body incredible. How it could change feelings and emotions as fast as lightening. How excitement turned into fear in just millisecond. Peter just wished he’d be able to control these damn changes better. He felt sick.

“That trans thing. I had FRIDAY look up some things in the past couple of minutes and I am sure we can find a solution for you to… euh… bind safely while wearing the suit. I am thinking of a suit that has a sports bra binder combination integrated and switches between both or something that achieves the effect of flatness while you are actually wearing a sports bra. Maybe even both methods but I would have to run some tests on that. Does this talk make you uncomfortable? It definitely makes me uncomfortable.”

Peter wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry. He talked about this as if it was a science project and Peter knew that it probably helped him keep his cool. “It’s weird for me, too.”

“Fantastic. Then let me move on. In your Stark Internship contract it says that all of your medical bills will be paid for by Stark Industries, including everything needed for a smooth transition. Is that how you say it?”

“Since when do I have a contract?”

“Since half an hour ago,” Tony replied in a matter of fact way, rolling his eyes.

“Oh…”

There were moments when Peter felt really like an idiot and this was certainly one of them. Mr Stark… Tony had just offered to pay all of his bills so he could transition properly. Just because he could. And he used the Stark Internship as a bad cover for it. He could not believe what was happening. Maybe this was a dream after all. He pinched himself subtly. He felt the pain but still couldn’t quite believe it. He had rehearsed this talk so many times but none of his versions had been like this. He automatically felt a little bad. Did he guilt trip Mr Stark… Tony into this? That had not been his intention.

“That is very kind of you Mr… Tony but you really don’t have to do all of that.”

“Kid, I don’t make the rules. Contract is contract.”

“But…”

“Ah ah ah! I am not done yet.” He turned serious and now it was his turn to take a deep breath.

“Okay, what you said about that … parent thing….. I am not a person you should look up to, Peter. There are a lot of things not… okay with me. I’m trying to do better, sure but you need to strive for more. I told you before: I want you to be better than me. And I stick to that.”

Peter didn’t know how to respond to that so he stayed silent. Mr Stark looked at him for a while and when it became awkward he cleared his throat and nodded slightly. “Alright, good talk.”

He got up and cleared his throat again. He turned around as if to leave but stopped again. Then he quickly ruffled through Peter’s hair while muttering: “You’re a good kid, Peter.” before hurrying out of the room.

Peter looked at the strand of hair that was now hanging in his eyes and smiled softly. He lay down on the bed and felt very tired all of a sudden. All the stress and fears of the last days had just vanished into thin air.

Tony Stark was a good man and the fact that he couldn’t see it himself made Peter a little sad.

Tony was a guy who kept a useless robot because it was a friend from the past. Tony was a guy who still developed equipment for team members who were seen as criminals now. Tony offers to pay bills for a transitioning teenager just because he cares.

“Not a person I should look up to, my ass,” he mumbled to himself before closing his eyes.

Peter knew for sure that tonight he wouldn’t have any problems to fall asleep.

#trans peter parker #tony stark #trans spiderman #fanfiction #mcu

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