#like. WILL SEEMS UNIMPORTANT BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO STAYED HONEST IN A SEASON FULL OF LIES

[emblazons]

Thinking about that post that said Will had to be 'written out' of some of the S3 narrative because so much of it was about performing heteronormative relationships…& as an emotionally intelligent gay kid he quite literally stands entirely outside of both of those things.

Like. The Duffers said the premise of S3 was puberty, but in truth it's more like kids trying to act more mature than they are, not only by pretending they’re not into “childish” things but also emulating the relationships of the adults around them (for good & bad).

In S3, Lucas is literally just parroting his dad (and whoever else) when it comes to explaining relationships to Mike, and Max is projecting her displeasure/fear of divorce (because of her own parents) by repeatedly breaking up with Lucas and encouraging El to do the same while quoting Cosmo to her. El has her own streak of performative influence from her time watching all those soaps while locked up for a year—and Mike is just doing the best he can to keep up, seeing as (as we see with the Karen considering but then never actually cheating with Billy plot) Wheelers are often motivated by responsibility and duty to their relationships more than actual feelings or depth with their partners.

From the very first episode though…Will literally says “I’m not gonna fall in love," and while I know a lot of people like to talk about how that's kind of a sign he’s already falling in love with Mike, it’s also showing us that he stands apart from all the other people and “couples” we see this season…because he’s not performing social rituals trying to emulate the relationships of the adults around him.

Will is the only character outside of Dustin (who also comments on this tendency to be fake in love to Steve, ironically enough) who is refusing to take part in the ritualistic gambits of "dating" with his friends, on top of embracing his desire to continue doing the things he enjoys even as we are learning he is genuinely in love with Mike.

Will is the only one being genuine about his interests and desires rather than performing normativity (social and heteronormative) like the rest of his friends--the only one who is in love with his chosen interest because he enjoys being around him, and its that dissonance from the "play"/ sandbox narrative of S3 that makes it seem like The Duffers "forgot" about him (which, given the fact that S5 is confirmed as Will's Coming of Age season, obviously isn't true).

...I just think it's interesting that the season where everyone starts being shallow (because...thats the word for it. We should bring that word back lmao) is the season where it feels like Will gets neglected the most—not because he isn't important to the story, but because Season 3 was when The Duffers introduced dishonesty and ongoing romantic relationships as a concept for their "kid" characters, and Will's heartfelt affection for Mike and unwillingness to lie to anyone stands apart from that.

-

Bonus Thought: If you really want to get into it, you can also pull on how watching Will lie to Mike in Season 4 about the painting hurts all that much more because its the first time he's betrayed his character to "match the energy" of his peers—him "ripping off the bandaid" was him not only choosing to save Mike & El's relationship by sacrificing his own feelings, but also him choosing move into the same kind of dishonesty and shallowness he's been watching everyone around him get away with for two seasons now, even though it was going to break his heart to do so.

S4 got Lucas and Max back to the honesty and closeness they hadn't been mature enough to manage in S3...but that's not something Will got to see for himself. Getting us back to honesty for El, Mike and now Will (who have also been lying to themselves and each other in their performances of normalcy) will be a critical part of the "repair" that happens in Season 5.

#will byers #byler #I have so many thoughts about this fr #like. WILL SEEMS UNIMPORTANT BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO STAYED HONEST IN A SEASON FULL OF LIES #AND THE GA DON'T SEE IT BECAUSE THEY'RE USED TO SHALLOW NARRATIVES. I SAID WHAT I SAID #duffer brothers #st commentary #my st commentary #stranger things

[strangertheory]

After you so thoughtfully answered that last anon, I'm wondering a few things. Most importantly, how do you think The Duffers could write it, if mileven ends up not being endgame, in a way that was accessible and easy to understand and like for casual viewers?

The “shipping war” between Mileven and Byler fans has never sat well with me because I think there’s an elephant in the room that is rarely acknowledged by fans of either ship. I’m unsure if it’s because they don’t want to acknowledge the elephant, if it’s because they haven’t noticed the elephant yet, or if it’s because they have heard rumor of the elephant but have decided to dismiss it as unimportant.

I believe that what is going on in the story is truly not what most fans think. I think there's a meta layer that hasn't been shared with us yet but that will start to be unraveled in season 4 or 5. I cannot say for sure what that layer is: but I'm thoroughly convinced that it is there. Things are not as they seem.

El and Will are mirrors of one another, and there are details that connect each of them in a way that goes beyond mere coincidence. Their stories appear to be intertwined intentionally, and although the reasons for this remain mysterious to us currently, I suspect their connection will become relevant in later seasons.

Yes, I believe that "Byler is endgame" in the sense that I believe that Mike is in love with his childhood friend that he's known since he was 5 and he met them on the swings and that he's played D&D with and that went missing in 1983 and he was devastated upon seeing the body being lifted out of the Quarry and was relieved to find was still alive and that he greeted at the hospital when they woke up.

But I believe that something is going on here that we (as fans) are not completely aware of yet and that El’s story and Will’s story are deeply intertwined.

How do I think The Duffers could write the conclusion of Mike and El’s romantic relationship in a way that is accessible and easy to understand?

I hypothesize that the writers will eventually reveal a very specific connection that exists between El and Will. It will surely be a huge plot twist.

I believe that characters will begin to be more open and honest about their feelings in season 4 and season 5. Season 3 lacked open communication and honesty. In my opinion there was so much lying and miscommunication that it verged on being the main theme of season 3! (You can read my notes on that in this blogpost.)

I think the writers will reveal that Mike has been afraid to allow his true feelings and his true self to show because of his fear of being judged by society and by his friends. I think that we will have a storyline that involves Mike realizing that he's comfortable rejecting society's expectations of him and embracing who he really is and who he really loves.

But we can completely disregard my suggestion that El and Will are connected in some mysterious way and simply look at this as a “boy-meets-girl and boy and girl decide to stop dating” situation too.

Telling a story in which a lead character suddenly realizes that they had feelings for someone else is not complicated and is not unusual. It would only be surprising to fans that have funneled their attention and their devotion into believing that a long-term romantic relationship between Mike and El is an unchangeable certainty.

How do I think The Duffers could write the conclusion of Mike and El’s romantic relationship in a way that is easy to like for casual viewers?

The truth is: there will always be viewers that dislike discovering that a main character has feelings for a different character than the one they hoped they would stay romantically involved with. Add to that the unfortunate existence of homophobia and some fans might also be upset because they don’t like the idea of two teenage boys having romantic feelings for each other, either.

Sometimes the story a writer wants to tell might deviate from the fandom’s expectations. It happens all the time. A writer’s goal is to tell a good story, and sometimes telling a good story involves subverting expectations rather than affirming them. The Duffer Brothers seem the type to enjoy a good plot-twist. I could be wrong, but I think they enjoy layering Stranger Things with secrets and carefully crafting scenarios so that when the truth beneath the surface is revealed everyone watching the series can say "Wow! What a twist! We should have seen the foreshadowing but we can only see it now in hindsight.”

I think that Mike and Will realizing and confessing their mutual feelings for one another is a very likeable story. Mike and Will’s love story can be an incredibly well-written friends-to-lovers, slow-burn, mutual pining, angst-with-a-happy-ending, queer coming-of-age love story in the midst of a supernatural scifi fantasy horror adventure. I find it very easy to like this story. It’s FANTASTIC. And I don’t see why “casual” viewers couldn’t love this story, too. I do think they might have to be open-minded and unprejudiced in order to enjoy it, however. They will also have to be open to respecting that El is more than capable of having a happy ending that isn’t dependent on a teenage boy dating her. I hope that fans that invested all of their hopes and dreams into El dating Mike indefinitely will still have an interest in cheering for El and her new dreams and goals even if (hypothetically) she is no longer romantically involved with Mike by the end of season 5. If they care about El dating Mike more than her happiness, then perhaps they need to re-evaluate how they relate to fictional stories and also make sure that they respect when people in their real lives decide that they are better off as friends.

Whatever is going on in the story: I look forward to seeing what happens between Will, Mike, and El in seasons 4 and 5. I understand that my theories and my interpretations of the series might be incorrect, but these are my thoughts on what has happened so far in the story and what I predict might happen next.

Thanks for Asking!

...

If you’d like to read my blogposts regarding what I think is going on between Will and El and read about the Stranger Things theories that I find the most compelling you can find them all listed at my pinned index post here at this link.

#byler #anti mileven #will byers #mike wheeler #stranger things #byler is real #stranger things theory

[sometimesrosy]

Do you think Lxa was just listening to Clarke in s3 to the point of alienating her own people just because she wanted to screw her or because she really wanted peace? Because it got to the point where Lxa’s actions where very obviously favoring the sky people over her own. This is not the Lxa we saw in s2. How did you interpret it?

 I disagree with your essential theory here. I think it was the Lxa we saw in season 2. Most of my disdain for Lxa actually stems from my belief that she was a terrible leader who cared more about her reputation and power than she did about doing what was best for her people. Understand that my whole interpretation of Lxa stems from her poor leadership, so the widely accepted interpretation that Lxa was some sort of brilliant, peacemaking leader... a visionary... doesn’t wash with me.

Oh hey, this is a long one so I’m going to write it all after the jump, which keeps some of the controversy at bay because at heart, we’re all too lazy to click keep reading. And the last time I said the behavior of a beloved character was not out of character but was their character the entire time, and gave evidence for it, I got some stans MAD. Like I was making up the canon or something IDK. I think it was more like they were erasing canon or brushing it under the rug because it wasn’t nice. Whatever didn’t fit their interpretation they decided was unimportant. 

So this is going to happen in regards to Lxa. Do not read if you’re not willing to read that. And if you do read it, don’t get mad at me for not thinking Lxa is the bees knees. You’ve been warned, now be a responsible consumer of media and either accept that people are allowed different opinions or don’t read it because you’re not interested in interpretations that read Lxa as an antagonist. (this is directed at stans, not you anon.)

ok moving on the meta

Yes. Indra called her a visionary, and we know that she united the clans against a common enemy, the mountain men, which kept them from infighting, but I don’t actually consider that peace. Unity, yes. Peace, no. They united in order to fight someone else. There’s no definition of peace that centers on waging war. And when we SAW her leading, once the story starts? Lxa lost every battle that she entered into. Not the one on one fights, she was a good warrior, I’ll give her that. However, the only people she managed to kill or dominate were her own people. And whenever she or her people were up against the skypeople, she actually lost. Even when things were so weighted in her favor that there was no question that the grounders would win. She still lost. 

I can’t speak for her motivation before the show starts. It does seem as if her “peacemaking,” which makes it better for the tribes, but also ended up giving her more power over everyone, including her most bitter enemies, the Azgeda, serves the double duty of allying the tribes AND glorifying Lxa herself.

TBH, I don’t see ANY action she takes in the entire series that doesn’t glorify Lxa. Well, until she meets Clarke and falls in love, and then she starts trying to make decisions that AREN’T about her reputation or power base or political machinations... although i think in public, she keep maneuvering it all back to being for her glorification.

She wants Clarke and loves her and desires her, so she takes her. BUT she manipulates it to be a political move where she has power over the sky people and over death itself. Clarke LITERALLY becomes a trophy, who needs to kneel at her feet. And yes, she does kneel back, but only in private, so it doesn’t damage her reputation or show weakness. Clarke becomes a vulnerability to her because of this, I think. 

I do think Lxa’s weakness is love... but we have to expand the definition to mean love, desire, yearning... and not just for Clarke or Costia or any people. Lxa LOVES power, and her desire is to keep, maintain and grow her power... and if letting TonDC blow will give her more power, she’ll let her coalition leaders die. If betraying Clarke and skycrew will give her more power, she’s leave them to die. If kidnapping Clarke and using her to prove she’s powerful (and also giving her what she’s wanted since s2 which is Clarke near enough to date,) then she’ll do it. Oh look, her unstated desires are starting to bleed into political and leadership decisions. Weakness. It’s not the love, I don’t think. it’s the lack of integrity. But her emotions make her unstable and unpredictable. She wants what she wants and will break her own rules to get it, whether it is a reputation as a badass or clarke in polis or control over her coalition or a legacy that makes her a legend.

And there was only one point when she favored the sky people and that’s when she let them slide on the hakeldama massacre. And to be honest, that wasn’t about preferring the skypeople. It wasn’t even about loving Clarke. Clarke manipulated her into that decision by accurately understanding what motivated Lxa... power, reputation, and her LEGACY. Clarke fed her ego by convincing her that showing the skypeople mercy would make her famous as a visionary. This is not my interpretation. This is canon. It wasn’t “if you love me you’ll let my people live.” It wasn’t “don’t kill innocent people, please have mercy.” It was, “if you spare them, people will remember you as merciful, as the visionary who brought peace to the people.” Not “this is the right thing to do.” But “this is how people will see you forever.” But remember also, that mercy came with a double edged sword. An army sitting outside Arkadia, that could either protect or destroy if they stepped out of line. They weren’t diplomats. They were warriors, and they were armed and dangerous. When Pike’s army killed them, they weren’t innocents. Pike killed their watch FIRST. Which is TACTICS. He removed their first defense. And then killed their archers, so they couldn’t get close enough to the sky people to overwhelm them with their superior numbers. This was not more powerful warriors killing defenseless people (like it was at the drop ship. what was SPECIFICALLY these warriors, trikru,) it was 10 people with better weapons, assessing the weaknesses of an army 30 times their strength, and beating them with strategy. They didn’t cheat. They beat them fair and square. Their decision was WRONG, and a bad idea, but not cheating. Until they went through and killed the wounded. I think that’s a war crime. And Pike did deserve punishment for that (not Bellamy he tried to stop it.) 

Even though she spared them and seemed to favor them over her army, in that one instance, the rest of the time she had the skypeople twisting on a string, pent up behind a fence, not allowed to use the mountain although they conquered it, not allowed to trade or farm or hunt. She was keeping them powerless. And when she punished Nia for blowing up MW, she didn’t do it for the skypeople, she did it for herself, because Nia challenged her. Nia attacked the skypeople as a move against Lxa.

I don’t think Lxa cared much about peace. She showed little mercy. To anyone unless it served her needs. And we saw that in season 2. And she wasn’t being kind to skaikru in season 3. Never. Sparing them from slaughter is not kindness, it is an abuse of power that continually reminds them she could slaughter them all, man woman and child, whenever she wanted to. And Clarke had to stay to make sure she didn’t. Regardless of her other reasons for wanting to stay (hiding from her people, trauma, wanting to be with Lxa.)

I’m always nervous to answer asks about Lxa because I do NOT think Lxa is a hero. Just because a character serves as representation for an under represented minority does not mean that that character is heroic, good, or perfect. Depicting a minority as a complex, three dimensional character (which I think Lxa IS) is actually good representation. It is not good representation to assume that all minorities are flawless, heroic, perfect characters. White guys get Superman, that perfect hero, but they also get Batman (dark and tortured,) and Rorsharch (maybe good maybe not so good,) and The Joker (really not good but compelling.) Lesbians don’t get any of that, so looking at Lxa, FINALLY representation of their own, they see Superman, that perfect example. But Lxa in the story is really more like Magneto. A leader with good intentions whose motives and methods are SEVERELY questionable and from many perspectives, down right evil. 

At best, if you look at the story from her perspective (which is not the perspective of the narrative) she is a TRAGIC hero, like Hamlet or Macbeth, a character who starts out high, with power and respect, and through their own fatal flaws, falls and loses everything. That is EXACTLY what happened to Lxa. This was not an attack on her character, this was how her character was built from the beginning and is a VERY classic tragic story. No one did it to her. She did it to herself. She was warned along the way. And she did what she wanted anyway, and she lost EVERYTHING, her life, her people, her power, her traditions, her religion, even, eventually, her immortality. Everything that happened to the grounders was essentially set into place by Lxa, when she attacked 100 pretty helpless adolescents, and strung Jasper up, unprovoked. 

She didn’t cause the Ark to fail, or the rebellion on the ark. She didn’t cause the second apocalypse. She didn’t cause the Eligius or Sanctum. But the story of the grounders and how their society collapsed was TOTALLY on Lxa’s head. But she WAS more interested in her own self interest, desires, and power than she was the benefit of her people. 

I think her behavior in s3 is consistent with her behavior in s2, with some added character development of how BAD she is at dealing with love. No, dear, you cannot kidnap someone and make them love you. You literally did EVERYTHING wrong in wooing Clarke. You’re just lucky she’s so forgiving and was so vulnerable when you had her in your clutches. Anyway. It was good for neither of them. 

I simply do not agree with the interpretation that Lxa is a good leader, kind, or visionary. Not in s2 or s3. I think she’s a good character as an antagonist, but the fandom interpretations erase her antagonist qualities and flatten her out into a cupcake that doesn’t belong in this story. She’s not the hero. Clarke, Bellamy and the 100 are. Lxa is the person who caused a good portion of the trauma for our heroes, even in the romance. That makes her the antagonist. Lxa stood in the way of our heroes getting what they wanted in season 1, season 2 and season 3. That’s an antagonist, even when the complexity of love, and a golden cage, is added to the story. I do not ever say that their love isn’t real, I’m saying that just because there’s love doesn’t mean it is good, healthy, or helpful for our hero. Love does not equal perfect, or we wouldn’t have heartbreak, domestic abuse, failed marriages, love triangles, bad girfriends/boyfriends, or Donna Summer’s classic disco hit, “I Will Survive” (hey hey)

#the 100 #not out of character #buyer beware don't read this if you can't handle lxa as an antagonist #however i feel like the last line of this is the funniest shit i've written in years

[tazzmanien]

Every Day the Protagonist Wants to Capture Me - Review

I finished Every Day the Protagonist Wants to Capture Me during winter break and it took me a while to write a review for reasons.

Did I enjoy the novel? -   Well kinda. Would I recommend it? -   Not really. Would I like that others read it, so that I can talk to someone about it and gush over Xie Xi, Fu Chongyi, Wei Ciyin and Demon Lord Yan Heng? -   A huge YES!

But let's get in the details for a bit here... SPOILERS AHEAD!

The good:

Length - Happy it was relatively short; reasons in the bad.

Pace - The pace at the beginning was quite fast, which was nice for the fact that I really didn't want to read a book about a 13 year old child falling in love. I’m not big on teenager love stories. But ... see the bad.

Narration - point of view - I love how the inner monologue of Chu Yu is written, so that it could also be interpreted as the narrator voicing his own thoughts. I caught myself thinking “the narrator is funny” several times, before figuring out that this was actually Chu Yu thinking.

World - Not sure about this point. I would have probably liked the world if it were described better at times.

Fights - The fights were actually really fun to read. Very simple, yet entertaining. 

Characters

Chu Yu our main guy - A simple soul that did not particularly receive a privileged treatment from mother nature when he was created; a moron I gladly adopted within seconds. We must be related I think. I love him. Why? Well, I can complain about cliches all I want, at the end I always end up liking the most cliche characters (Chu Yu) or the biggest or craziest villains. I loved the fact that he did pretty much gave up on his aloof act. I don’t think I would have liked reading about another unapproachable older and wiser figure transmigrator. BTW pretending to be dead to avoid the enemy could be a genius move from me, love you for that lil brother. It was also nice that he got the protagonist plot armor at some point.

Xie Xi our mains love - At the beginning he was “The Cutest™ with cheeks made for pinching” and later became “naughty flirting master say one word and I'm all yours”. No but honestly, at 16 he already had the flirting skills of an immortal master! It made me a little uncomfortable to be this into his flirting. Even if you don't give this book a chance, then at least read the wine incident (chapters 16 - 18). I'm still blushing thinking about it. I once wrote and am still standing by it:  "Xie Xi, you are not flirting with me and aren't even real and yet I’m blushing like crazy. How about you grow up a little and then come to reality and pay me a visit" And honestly he only got a) better at it and b) more blatant over the course of the novel.

For the rest ... Even though there were characters that did not get enough screen time or story, there were a few that I really really loved, like Wei Ciyin (a sensual lil bastard), Demon Lord Yan Heng (I mean wouldn’t you fall in love with a stunning demon lord whose laughter sounds like crows above a burial mound in the middle of the night?) and Fu Zhongyi (you beautiful creature, you and your lil adorable fox awwww). Worth mentioning:

007 System - My queen! (I decided it had to be a woman.) I loved that there was a comment function in this system. Although towards the end it wasn't used as much and in general it could have been used more effectively in my opinion. Nevertheless, a nice touch.

Chu Sheng - If you think Chu Yu is dumb, well then just wait til you get to know his overprotective brother. He would even win an idiot competition against me, which should tell you all you need to know. Love him nonetheless. Also he deserved better! To have to do the things he had to, is really devastating! I am a proud member of the “protect Chu Sheng squad” and will forever love the fact that Fu Zhongyi exists!

Insects (would you count them as characters?) - You know what, I have no issue with insects in general, but swarming insects are a thing I could gladly live without. There were a few chapters that gave me the creeps. I guess this would be called good writing, as it arouses emotions from the reader. It had the same effect as the face disease in Tian Guan Ci Fu on me. So a “negative” good I guess?

Couples 

Main couple - First and most important Koala snuggling will never be a boring couple trademark. I was a little nervous that the beginning would drag and we would have to watch a 13 years old child falling in love with a grownup for too long. So I was glad they skipped that part soon. They got together quite fast after the skip, which was more of a negative thing for the overall story, but it also was kinda nice to read more on how they grew as a couple. For example how Chu Yu showed more and more love over time. So even though the story suffered it was kinda nice to follow this couple.

Other couple - Chu Sheng and  Fu Zhongyi were even a better couple in my opinion, but unfortunately we didn’t get enough of them. 

Side-plots - A few side-plots were kinda nice I must say, but could have had more detail and better transitioning into the big plot.

The bad:

Writing style - The writing style, or maybe partially the translation (which I don't believe as they did a terrific job with SVSSS), is not my thing. Short sentences, with little to no flowing transitions in the writing. Many things don’t get describe at all, like the surrounding, the looks of characters or any background information about why certain things were happening. But it is quite an easy read, maybe exactly because it’s written this simply. Still it took me a little to get used to it and finish it.

Pace - The time jumps were, well how to describe it? Sudden, weirdly placed and paced and mostly never really effectively used for shock effects (even though the author surely had those intentions). There was this one jump where Chu Yu was talking with Wei Ciyins father (forgot his name) and then it just cut the scene to the future and it never got resolved satisfyingly. It should have been important, but when it was mentioned again later it was just ... well boring.

World - As written above, the world was not really described in detail, so I’m not sure about this point.

Characters 

The novel had a decent amount of characters and should have been able to build their side stories properly, however, was not able to deliver many details for most of them. I think only for that reason I was kinda bored whenever Shizun Lu Qingan or what was his boyfriends name again appeared.

Chibi Chu Yu was fun, but stayed for far too long for my taste.

Xie Xi - At times he didn't seem very bright, which put me off somehow. After he got together with Chu Yu he lost most of his "screen time" and whenever he appeared it was just to ask for fish (papapa). To be honest the plot could have ended without him, as he had no importance in the second part of the novel, which was very mehh I mean why write a strong, charming, troubled and loving character and just make him this second grade s** obsessed fangirl annoying our main guy. Okay, yes, he did that to Song Jingyi and had one decent high grade fight, but this was not enough for my taste.

Wei Ciyin - I don’t know what it is about picturing Wei Ciyin with his devilishly beautiful face, dressed only in a snow-white inner robe, lying on top of a cluster of flowers while drinking wine, but that part got stuck in my head and I was so disappointed to find out, he was just an unimportant sort of villain canon fodder and had not much of an important story overall.

Villains in general - Well, what to say about the villains? They were strong, mystic, menacing and cruel, but somehow the whole novel felt like the author was not sure who the big bad boss was supposed to be and jumped from one canon fodder villain to another and "killed" off the supposedly strongest villain Demon Lord Yan Heng within 2 chapters. Why? He was amazing! Give me a whole novel about this character only, NOW! In the end there was a red string throughout the whole story, but it was not as good as it could have been, exactly due to the fact that the villains were so unconnected somehow. Well, I should probably mention Song Jingyi, who was a decent a-hole at least.

Couples

Main couple - Even though I was happy we got a time skip early in the story. The main couple got together waaaaaay too early for the story to be able to go on without a very intriguing plot, which the story unfortunately did not have.

Other couples - Even though it seems like a nice fan service, I think it is quite boring to give every character a love interest (reciprocated or not doesn’t matter). So some of them just were kinda meh in the end.

Plot - It felt like the novel was full of subplots. The big plot lost all its drive due to the way the novel was written. At the end of the book you can clearly see a red string throughout the whole story, but while reading it all just felt unconnected, like a collection of short stories. The mains couple love was the driving factor, but the fact that they got together in the first half (or was it even third) just killed the suspense totally and felt like those american shows that drag on for 8 seasons, when you would have loved it to stop at season 3.

But my biggest disappointment in this novel is not what you might think... It is actually this: Xie Xi was asking Chu Yu “let’s do it” like at least 100 times before their first time. So of course I was hoping that before they actually have their first time, Chu Yu asks Xie Xi the same thing in retour. That would have been perfect. At some point he said something like "are you not going to do it”, which was ok, but not THE THING!

Conclusion:

Lots of potential, but not the best. Still I liked it a little. I’d call it guilty pleasure, if for nothing else then at least for Xie Xi.

#every day the protagonist wants to capture me #zhujiao meitian du xiang gonglue wo #xianxia #transmigration novel #chinese web novel #tazz reads #yaoi #edtpwtcm spoiler #zmdxgw spoiler #chu yu #xie xi #chu sheng #qing duan

[takaraphoenix]

Code Black

Okay, so I watched this show. Three seasons of ER drama. I love doctor shows.

And the first season was really fucking promising.

We have a female doctor in charge. A figure of authority. Her second-in-command is the head nurse who is, unlike most of the time, actually a man. A Latino. Their dynamic is amazing. They are the dad and the mom of this hospital - she is the dad and he is the mom and they constantly refer to themselves as such. I love the positivity that the nurse job is not just discarded as a woman’s job and that it is actually treated with respect here. In many doctor-centric shows, the nurses are just... there. He? He is important and respected. And he is also the soft element in this dynamic, which is also a really refreshing depiction of masculinity. Not that he is thus then portrayed as feminine, like some TV shows like to do. He is just a strong but compassionate and kind man.

And the first season started out really strong.

The four first years were such a nicely mixed bag. We had a lesbian woman of color, a white but older woman who only started this job because she lost her child to sickness and now wants to help, two straight white men, one of them the average, expected Pretty Boy but the other an overweight softie.

And in the first season, you got a really nice grip on their dynamic, how they grew closer to be the family that was being advertised for this show.

But then the show took a nosedive from season 2 on and I’m... really disappointed in that.

The lesbian character had two plotlines. One being a horrible Bury Your Gay where her ex, not even her current girlfriend, shows up in the hospital with cancer and basically we just watch her watching her ex die. She also never has an on-screen love-interest in the present. And her second plotline was a straight male stalker who couldn’t take no for an answer and then tries to murder her.

Both of those plotlines happened in season 1. Season 2 has her be a complete background character. She barely has lines, barely has screentime, she’s just... there. And in season 3, she is just gone, without any explanation. No one even mentions where she disappeared to, why she quit. She had two plotlines and after they were gone, she became unimportant to the point of being written off the show without a mention.

The other female lead got the same treatment, just earlier. She was written out after season 1 already. Without a single mention as to why. Despite being presented as a family, they could not even be bothered to mention why a member of their family quit.

The two straight guys prevail and become the main focus of the show, next to mom and dad.

Every season, presenting a new year, introduces a new bunch of new residents.

The second season introduces three newbies. A woman who becomes Pretty Boy’s love-interest and... honestly really not much beyond that. A black female doctor, who is soon into season 2 killed off. And a black male doctor, who is the only one who actually gets more defined and gets plots.

And that’s the theme, if you haven’t caught on yet. The women are so sidelined in this show. The only female character who actually matters and isn’t discarded all the time is daddy, yet every single female character aside from her just gets either killed off or treated as A Love Interest To A Man.

Season 3 is not even trying anymore. They only really introduce two of the new residents, that much for the whole family spiel where you’d have expected new residents to become part of the family too. And the female resident, a woman of color, is just... never seen again after the introduction. Surprise, surprise, they only keep the Straight While Male around and put him into the focus of the show, alongside mom, dad and the three straight males from the previous two seasons.

It’s... really disheartening, to be honest. Season 1 started out so strong, with actually drawing its different characters, with having a good amount of female characters. But over the course of the show, they shelved and fridged their female characters until only three remain, two of them having no other plotlines but being love interests. Dad’s the only female character who is actually fleshed out and stays important and it’s disappointing.

So, yeah, I’m a salty lesbian who is pissed that the lesbian character’s only value seemed to be to see her ex die and have a straight white man creep after her and then she just gets shelved and I’m a salty woman in general because of the overall treatment of its female characters.

I’m tired of this kinda stuff, of having a good, solid first season and then it somehow all just... goes off the rails. I’m also tired of female characters only being love interests or mothers...

#I'm generally just #really very tired #Phoe's Random Show Rants #I had to put that all to words #because this shit really shouldn't stand #not today #not these years #Code Black

[xktheartx]

grey canvas//

 a min yoongi fanfiction

pairing: yoongi x reader

warnings: mentions of self harm

genre: angst

word count: 2.7k

summary: one winter after, you still hold onto the heartache he left you.

A/N: hello! I just wanted to thank you for reading and I hope you like it!:x this is my first fan fiction so please expect a lot of improvement over the time! thanks a lot once more!!

***

Winter has settled in early this year. Cold wind blows harshly, the skin of your hands is dry and rough, your chapped lips are on the verge of bleeding, but it is fine. Today, you open all of your apartment's windows and bath in the frosty gushes of air, as it reminds you that seasons change and life moves on, even if you don't. Today, you love winter—just like him.

You reach the end of the alley where an almost completely different bar replaces the rusty, old one, the bar where everything began. The bar you used to stop by at the end of every exhausting school week and leave the happiest. Your steps come to a sudden stop when you notice the different outer appearance of what used to be the second closest place to home for you ever since you have moved to Seoul. The neon that spelled in bold letters the name of the bar was now gone and so were the little white lamps illuminating the surroundings of it.

You push the door open only to be greeted by an unfamiliar sight. Red is now the dominant colour and, in comparison to the calming forest green, it feels tiring, almost wrong. The wooden chairs were replaced with black leather ones. The bar now hosts a large number of dubious people and you realise the people you knew, those who used to come frequently, were, surely, no longer doing so.

Jennie is also different. She cut her hair in one of the styles she swore she'd never do. She dyed it back to brunette from the adolescent strawberry blonde. She looks older. Her eyes had dark circles under them, a couple of fine wrinkles adding to her tired, but warm eyes and it's beyond obvious just how much she's changed. You knew she's wanted to drop out of college ever since she got in and what happened one year ago was a big wake up call for her. She moved on. She started anew.

And it is only you who's time stood still this past year.

"It's been an awful lot of time, huh?", Jennie speaks first, eyes fixed on her drink as she stirs it with the straw. You nod and look around absent-mindedly. No words come to your mind as you think about what to tell her. "Things changed quite a bit around here", she goes on when she realises you aren't going to speak too much tonight. "Now it's full of weird people", she whispers as she bends forward so you are the only one who hears her.

You can't help when the lightest chuckle escapes your lips, recalling that you also had this thought when you first entered the bar. Jennie looks content with your reaction, probably thankful for even the smallest of smiles. The last time the two of you met, all you could do was choke on your own tears. You couldn't stand on your own two feet without stumbling and falling down, you couldn't eat without throwing up, you couldn't even speak due to the lump that formed in your throat every time you parted your lips to say something.

"What have you been up to?", she inquires and your eyes follow hers as they trail down to the cuts on your left wrist the moment you roll up your sweater's sleeves. They were never too deep, but deep enough to leave small scars as reminders. You momentarily forgot about them and you regret letting Jennie see them, so you immediately take your left hand off the table and you put it between your thighs, your eyes looking sideways due to the awkward atmosphere. She pries her eyes off you for a bit to look at her almost empty glass, probably feeling the same as you. It didn't come as a shock to her, as you were deeply affected by the accident, but it still is hard to openly talk about such fragile subjects after an entire year of no contact.

"Um..well, you know", you begin, not really knowing how you should answer, "not much."

Everything felt unnatural about the two of you now. It was hard to believe that you used to be inseparable, that you used to know all the little, unimportant details about each other which made your friendship different from any other. You bet the people that as much as glanced your way would've considered the two of you mere acquaintances. Suddenly, there was a clear change in the way Jennie looked at you and, if your memories didn't fail you, it was a glare full of disappointment.

"So?", she started, gradually speaking harsher. "Why did you ask to meet if you have nothing to say to me?"

Jennie has always been the type to run out of patience quite fast and you couldn't blame her; you did ask her to meet, yet you haven't said anything to her the whole evening. After one year of complete solitude in the privacy of your apartment, only muttering a couple of reassuring words to your parents once in a while, you are at a loss for words. You don't have anything to tell her, or anyone for that matter. You don't want her to talk to you either, if you are being honest. You just couldn't bear to be alone today.

Today is terrifying.

"I'm sorry", you begin, words quiet, lips slightly trembling. "I just..", you trail off as you try to come up with the right words. "Today marks a year."

As your last words roll off your lips with hesitation, Jennie's eyes widen in response and her mouth opens up in an 'O' shape. Her focus immediately shifts to her iPhone as her slender, manicured fingers fold around the small device and hit the home button, the display lightening up right away. As she looks at the date shown on the lock screen, Jennie runs one hand through her hair nervously, mouth still agape, and she glances sideways, tears filling up her eyes. Finally admitting it out loud is surely harder than anyone could imagine. Tears threaten to spill in rivers and your voice seems to have lost itself on its way out. Both your hands go up to support your head which faces downwards, elbows propped on the table. You just need someone to take on the pain with you today. One year full of what if's and empty bottles, of why's and overthinking, of I miss you's and I love you's that never found their designed receiver.

"I can not believe it has been an entire year", Jennie spoke first. "How could I forget", she murmured more to herself than to you. "Love," you were surprised by the pet name she usually used back in freshman year, "I'm sorry."

Jennie reluctantly came over to hug you, genuinely apologetical for her earlier behaviour. She was tired and busy over her head, but you don't deserve to be treated with such impatience, especially because she knows how much you suffered and, apparently, still do. "Let's get out of here", her voice softly broke the silence of your heartfelt moment, "this is just a shell of the place we used to love and a harsh reminder of the things that are now long gone."

You nod once, wiping a tear that rolled down your cheek. With slightly trembling legs, you quickly walk across the bar that holds your most treasured memories—memories that now feel unreal and heart wrenching. Once you reach the bar so you can pay, you feel your fingertips freeze on the bill, a deja-vu creeping up on your spine like the slight shiver of a kiss on the neck. If there is one thing that stayed unchanged here, it is the actual bar. The glasses are the exact same shape, the large mirror in the middle, the wood shelves that carried all sorts of intoxicating liquid. You remember almost instantly Yoongi's cold digits that brushed your own warm ones, the unfazed look that tainted his eyes when he met yours and the rosy flush that tinted your cheeks. And what disappointment washed over you when he simply proceeded with giving you the receipt; that was a first. You'd have guessed it was a matter of kindness—how he followed you out in the cold, minutes after he barely acknowledged your existence, a worn out, plain black scarf in his left hand that he hung around your bare neck.

"Bring that back to me, will you?"

But it was more than that.

You somehow manage to reach Jennie's car, nose running, cheeks grazed by the rough caress of winter wind and eyes flooded with memories metamorphosed into watery pearls, spilling in abundance. Where will you go? Your family doesn't deserve the shell of the daughter you once were. Your "home" is now just a painful reminder of who you used to be, of what you could have had. A home that screams 'loneliness'. A home haunted by the ghosts of you; of both of you.

"Yoongi", you eyed him with a concerned look, silently pleading for him to believe in you. "Life is not only flaws and falls", you began quietly, almost like a whisper, afraid of saying something wrong. "It has so much to offer if you are willing to give it a shot. It has pianos, freshly brewed coffee, worlds of fantasy on pieces of paper, sunrise every morning", the words kept slipping off your tongue in a hurry, palms pressed together under your chin as your lips stretched out in a wide grin. "It has dreams and miracles and, Yoongi, it is yours to enjoy."

Although he smiled then, you knew he was not fully convinced, but it was a start. You had all the right colours to paint him and he was a monochrome, grey canvas.

"Mm", he acknowledged your brief speech with a muffled sound and a look in his eyes that was more than sufficient for you to know he was seriously thinking about the weight of your words. "You are enough."

And he had all the right words for you to fall even deeper in the paradise that loving him was.

"Where to?”– is a question that has your stomach double flip in anxiety.

Home, you want to say. Home—nestled in his arms, wrapped in white sheets, enveloped in his scent, a mix of cologne and tobacco, room echoing with the soft snores that escaped his swollen lips. Home—where you could wake up at the blissful sight of him on a Monday morning. One last “five more minutes, please, babe” as he hugs your waist and puts his mop of dark hair on your lap, waiting for you to gently caress it as he drifts back to sleep.

“Can you take me to him?”

***

Ten minutes into the drive and you can already feel your insides turning and churning in anxiety. You haven't visited him even once in the past year and now, for obvious reasons, the guilt is swallowing you whole. You despise the word "graveyard" and, even more so, the actual place. The sole thought that half of your soul is buried six feet deep in the dirt, rotting away next to other decomposing corpses—it's enough to drive you on the edge of madness.

Jennie's voice pulls you out of your thoughts. "We're here", she announces. You start looking around and as you recognise the place as the root of your nightmares, you find yourself wondering whether or not you have enough strength to finally face the reality of today. You ran away from it for a whole year, curled up in the white sheets that stopped smelling of his cologne a long time ago, never turning around at night to see the bed empty and cold, waiting for him to swing open the door, shouting his usual "I'm home, babe". You know you need to do this for you, for your well-being and sanity.

"Aren't you going?", she asks.

"What should I say?", you reply, your eyes set on the path which led inside the graveyard.

"I don’t think words are necessary."

You get off and breath in the cold air, shutting your eyes and remembering just how much he loved winter. Almost as much as he loved you, he used to say—but in the end, it was the winter who claimed him.

"Damn, I hate winter", you curse under your breathe as you slowly walk up the snowy path. Somewhere along the way, your head empties of all thoughts, of all blasphemies, pleas and love confessions. One year is a long time. Where is it?, you pinch the bridge of your nose as you try to recollect this particular piece of information. All of the tombstones are neatly aligned and the fact that they look the same definitely doesn't help. You walk frantically, trying to decipher the letters engraved in stone, as the wind starts to bite harshly.

Five minutes pass, then fifteen which turn into half an hour. Burying your face in your palms, you think about calling Jennie, but you are too ashamed of yourself to do so. How could you possibly not remember where your lover's grave is? How could you not visit his grave for an entire year, leaving it dirty, adorned by withered flowers—flowers at the thought of which your heart clenches.

And the fuzzy memory of him leaves yet another wet trace on your reddened cheek.

"Can I ask something of you?", Yoongi's eyes lingered as you grabbed a white sheet to cover your nudity with, crossing your legs on the edge of the ravaged bed. You met them halfway as you took in the sight of him - lean frame propped against the windowsill, covered only by a pair of black briefs, his features soft as he exhaled the last puff of poisoned smoke through the open window.

"Anything", you replied, your lips curving upwards in a reassuring smile as he approached you slowly. You watched attentively when he picked up his large, wool sweater and flunked it over your head in a sweet attempt at dressing you up.

"Don't forget me", he softly articulated as if he was afraid of rejection—something you would never. "You only."

Although it wasn't too often that he voiced his needs or wants, mostly because he never had any specific ones, you could understand perfectly. He needed to know that, in the end, there will have been someone whose whole soul he captured, whose entire being he corrupted—someone he branded as his. And that was you—you only.

"I won't", you cooed, your bare toes finding the cold of the floor as you pushed yourself off the bed. One hand slid behind his neck while the other rested on his cheek and, right before you brushed his lips with your own, you once again whispered. "I won't."

You promised. Yet here you are, frenetically searching for the grave of the only person to whom you've confessed eternal adoration, having forgotten where it is. Hot tears stain your frozen skin and you crouch to the ground, losing all sense of balance. The feeling of suffocation grows stronger by the minute and you find yourself gasping, inhaling deep breaths that didn't seem to suffice the need for air. Your hands start to shake uncontrollably as they reach for your tear tarnished cheeks and close to your buzzing ears.

"C-calm down", you stutter. "Calm d-down, calm down", you continue, chanting the words like a spell, a mantra.

And then, you look up. Teeth clattering, feet tingling and fingers trembling. You look up and you understand for the very first time why winter. It floods your line of vision the moment your eyelids flutter open. Grey was the muddy snow, grey were the gravestones, grey was the sky and so was he.

A grey canvas that fit him so, so well.

#thebtstown #hyunglinenetwork #btsprotectnet #bangtanarmynet #min yoongi #bangtan #bts #bts fanfics #bts fanfiction #fan #fiction #bts scenarios #bts suga #suga #bts yoongi #myg #bts yoongi fiction #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fiction #min yoongi fanfic #suga fanfiction #suga fiction #bts suga fanfiction #bangtan sonyeondan #min yoongi scenarios #story #short story #tumblr writers #writers #angst

[daughterofanarchangel]

The thoughts of a sixteen year old part one - FRIENDS

On this blog there is AJ Winchester, a fictional character created as an OC in the Supernatural universe, and there is the mod/owner of the blog aka me. And I believe that I haven’t posted on this blog since before the season 12 premiere which makes it ideal for me to just say stuff that I need to say and work out without certian people seeing it before it’s time. So let’s get started.

The first issue is friends. And before I start I want to make it clear that I love my friends and they are some of the greatest most awesomeness people I know. But as everyone should know, everyone has problems and my friends are no expection. And neither am I. I should probably start with myself.

As a young kid I had two really close friends. They are Lara and Sarah M. I use their names because as far as I know they don’t have tumblr and will probably never see this post because of reasons that I will explain later. Lara, Sarah M and I saw each other on a regular basis; we all went to the same church. We’re all the same age with me being the oldest. At our church at the time of my early childhood we were literally the only ones our age; both Lara and Sarah M had older brothers and Sarah M and I both had younger brothers. I guess it was out of nesscessity that we all became friends. And we were really close. I mean for our fifth birthdays we got matching kiddie purses (although mine and Sarah M’s were “from Lara” and Lara’s was from her parents) how much closer could we get? I will admit looking back that I was probably closer to lara than I was Sarah M. Anyway during the summer when I was seven, Lara’s family moved away. I had gone on holiday for Christmas thinking I’d be able to see Lara one last time when I got back. When I got back she had already gone. We never really said a propper goodbye. My friendship with Sarah M soon became nothing. I still see her regularly - it’s hard not to when you both still go to the same church every week and go to the same high school. Lara and I have seen each other since she moved with the latest actually being just under a year ago. Our dads are friends on facebook so I occasionally hear how she’s doing with her rowing. But that was my first real lost with friendship.

In my first two and a half years of primary school (half a year of Year 0, with the other two years being Years 1 and 2) I don’t recall having any real close friends that I kept for long. Our short friendships lastest a few months and strangely enough the two friendships I can remember I now know their grandmothers and one old friend’s grandfather because I play the same sport as them. Towards the end of Year 2 I made a few friendships with people who would later become my friends for the rest of my time at primary.

These were Gemma and Sarah W. Again I was the oldest. At least I was until we became good friends with Jess who was three weeks older than me the year later. Jess and I being in the same class for Year 3 while Sarah W and Gemma were in the same class. We had other people come and go from the group but we were good friends. In Year 4 I was the only one who wasn’t in the same class as everyone else. Year 5 was another repeat. These two years I was alone in class but I knew I had friends who liked me and we remained friends. Year 6 being our final year at Primary, I was finally in a class with all my friends bar one. Our friendship was strong enough that we remained friends despite rarely being in the same class. But it wasn’t perfect. Looking back, Sarah W was abusive. She would often hit us and once she threw an apple at another friend’s head that made the apple split into pieces. I think younger me knew what Sarah W was doing was not right because I remember that she gave me a chinese burn so hard that I yelled at her with tears in my eyes that I no longer wanted to be friends with her because she hurt me for the last time. I didn’t speak to her for a few days but I ended up becoming friends with her again. I don’t remember exactly when this happened, because I try to block as much memories of primary as I can and I also have little memory of this time anyway, but I do remember that one day Sarah W and Gemma told me something that I still find to sting a little today. Let’s get something staright - I’ve never been popular and that hasn’t really bothered me. But it did when Sarah W and Gemma told me that they gave up their popularity to be friends with me back in Year 2. Their comment made me realise how unimportant I was to them as well as how unpopular I knew I was.

I didn’t stay friends with that group. The next two years were Intermediate and they were great compared to Primary. In Year 7 I made a great guy friend who really boasted my confidence. He was also my first lgbt friend. Back then I didn’t even know what lgbt was (i grew up in religious home and my parents never told me about gay people. They also never gave me the birds and the bees talk. Yep that’s right, I had shitty ‘health’ lessions, which literally had one lesson on the sex part of sex ed and all the other lessons about emotions and stuff which is important and all, teach me the birds and the bees in Year 7 at age 12 and even then it wasn’t until Year 9 that I really learnt anything sex ed). And while we remained friends in Year 8, I became better friends with a girl in my class in the year below me whom I still friends with today. I will mention her as Demon in future.

Year 9 was my first year of High School. For the first two terms I was almost basically a loner - I had a guy friend in the year above who sat with me and we watched the first season of Geronimo Stilton on his ipad. Then I become friends with Squirrel. Squirrel and I bonded over our mutal love for Supernatural and Teen Wolf. In Year 10, Demon joined me and Squirrel as friends, with Angel literally joining the group the next day.

We’re all still good friends today. We added Squish and Small to the group last year in Year 11. Then there’s Home. Home is a friend of mine who I’ve been friends with since I was 10. They’re home schooled but know Squirrel, Demon, Angel and Squish because of me. So what I started out with one friend became five, six when you include Home. But I don’t feel like its going to keep like this for 2018.

Angel had a fucked up childhood. Its left her with scars and believe me when I say that it’s still messing with her now three years after she left that toxic environment. As much as I care about them and love them, sometimes they bring me down. They were one third of what I like to call my emotional overload around the time of my practice exams. It’s not their fault that I feel the way I did - it’s mine because I don’t have a good handle on what I’m feeling.

Squrriel has recently opened up about her problems that I should have noticed or at least picked up on a little. They’ve decided to not sit with us this year as they are taking care of themselves because we weren’t there like they were for us. I dont blame them for that decision - we created a toxic environment and to be honest, especially towards the end of Year 11, I always felt that this was going to happen anyway since it seemed back then that they were always sitting with their other group of friends and to be fair that group of friends is a lot more mature (it seems) and less toxic than our group of friends.

Demon. There’s a reason I gave them that name. Demon is a little piece of shit. In light of Squirrel’s confession, they made their own. They admitted that they were a piece of shit, walking the fine line between joke and insult. Having been frends with them for almost four years now, I’ve learnt to take all the insults they give as jokes. At the end of last year I wrote her a four page essay letter about my feelings about some stuff that I needed to say to someone but I couldn’t go to my usual person because they’d asked not to get involved. That was the first time I ever really had a deep and meaningful thing with them.

Then there’s Home. Out of all my friends I’ve known her the longest. But last year in particular I started feeling like we weren’t going to be friends for much longer. There were some things said, written and unsaid (thankfully) between us that really got to me. Although now I feel we’ll continue being friends for a long time, I still have a small scab from that time thatI occasionally pick at.

I don’t have any problems with Squish and Small because we haven’t been friends for all that long.

I’m also a problem. I’m most definitely an introvert - always have been. During breaktimes I generally have something to do like read or scroll tumblr while only listening into my friend’s conversations, and saying a few words here and there. In the group chats or in one-on-one chats I am mostly silent and if I do take part in a conversation I usually end up ignoring notifications because I don’t want to talk.

Some day I hope that I can work out what to do because I don’t want to be truly alone. I’m scared of losing the group of friends that are so important to me and are probably the best group of friends I’ve had to date. I don’t want to lose them but sometimes I wonder why I’m even friends with them

[scifrey]

I'm super pleased to announce that my satire novella THE DARK SIDE OF THE GLASS is returning to print as CITY BY NIGHT, published by Short Fuse. 

The Cover Reveal is on its way, but in the meantime, how would you like to read the first three chapters for free? They will be released one at a time on Wattpad this week, leading up to the October 6th publication date. And if you'll be at Con-Volution on October 7th, join us for the release party!

This is a story about Mary, number one fan of the hottest cult vampire detective TV show, City by Night...until it becomes all too real.

An accident with the Craft Services truck sends her hurtling into the world of the show, and Mary is thrilled--who wouldn't want to live alongside their favorite TV characters? Unfortunately, living in TV-land isn't all that Mary thought it would be. The charm fades when Mary realizes that the extras still don't speak, the matte paintings don't become real, and all the infuriating flaws in the writing are just amplified when you have to try to interact with the shallow characters. And then, of course, the lead character Richmond DuNoir falls for her!

Sure, fine, he's hot...but he's also a bit, well, poorly written. And his admiration comes with its own set of problems: Antonio, Richmond's psychotic stalker, has a habit of killing off the girls-of-the-week. Not only is Mary disillusioned with what she thought was a lush world until she had to try to maneuver in it, now she's about to be murdered by one of the stupidest clichés in the history of television in a world that, pardon the pun, totally sucks.

A loving satire of the Toronto film industry, vampire-cop television, and what it really means to be a "fan" from award-winning science fiction author J.M. Frey.

READ THE FREE PREVIEW ON WATTPAD | PREORDER THE NOVELLA ON AMAZON

Chapter One : Concerning Rabbit Holes and All That

When Mary comes to, she is lying face down in the grass beside the road.

Her first conscious thought, beyond Ow ow ow, is How long have I been lying here? Followed closely by Ouch and Am I really so unimportant that nobody has helped me? and Ouch and Where am I? Followed again by Ouch as she tries to get her hands under her shoulders and push herself onto her knees.

Rain has pooled in her upturned left ear. Her toes are frozen. Everything aches. Her head throbs. Her knees and her palms burn. Her left arm and left leg are bleeding, both from jagged gashes right above the joint that look way, way grosser than anything she's ever seen people sporting after a visit to the Effects Makeup trailer. There's grit in the long cut, and when Mary flexes her fingers, she can feel the sickening grind of grains of dust against her muscles. It feels disgusting, the way that frogs squashed by a little boy's shoe is disgusting, with that sort of oozing pop.

The Craft Services van that hit her is nowhere to be seen. The studio is gone, too, even though she was pretty sure she hadn't run that far. Something warm and salty stings her left eye.

She's on a street she doesn't recognize, at night, with streetlamps that only mostly work. They cast an amber glow over the glistening pavement, so perfectly moody that it looks like something out of a cinematographer's wet dream. There's grass between the sidewalk and the road, and it's wet from a storm that must have passed over her while she was unconscious, if her wet hair and ear are anything to go by. The air smells of...nothing.

Nothing at all. For reasons Mary can't fathom—reasons which make her heart beat faster, her shoulders ratchet up to her ears—this unnerves her. It's unnatural.

There's no one on the barren street. It's a strangely harmonious mix of residential and storefronts made out of the converted ground floors of houses, all dark and closed up for the night. There is, by some strange cosmic luck, or fate, or universal synergy, a phone booth less than a block away, on the corner. Mary hasn't seen a phone booth in years, but she doesn't own a cellular phone herself because she never wanted to be distracted at work. She hates her coworkers when they tap away with their thumbs, instead of paying attention to who is going in and out of the studio gate like they're being paid to do.

It takes Mary a few minutes to get upright. She is reminded unpleasantly of the cliché about the wounded gazelle on the Serengeti: weak and tottering, but too afraid of attracting the wrong attention to bleat for help. Her head throbs again, and then a very stupid realization bubbles up to the surface of her muzzy brain: she is alone.

Totally alone.

There is no one on the street. There doesn't even seem to be anyone in the houses. The Craft Services van driver, her boss, and her co-workers have all just abandoned her, left her for dead on the side of the road. Clearly, nobody came after her. Nobody even stopped to make sure she was alive, as far as she can tell.

That says a lot more about how they think of her than Mr. Geary's horrible insults about her scripts. The ungrateful...jerky jerks! Mary thinks, clutching at the gash on her arm.

She has given City By Night two goddamned years of her life. She just wants the show to love her in return. Is that so very much to ask?

Apparently, it is.

Anger fuels her enough to get her over to the phone booth, helps her exchange pain for momentum. Clutching at the scarred metal frame of the door to stay upright, she stares in stupid incomprehension at the coin slot for a second. Her left hand dips unconsciously into her empty pocket, which is its own sort of special agony. She nearly cries when she realizes she has no quarters. It takes her a few more fuzzy, swimming moments to realize she can probably make emergency calls for free. Hopeful, she fumbles up the handset and dials zero. The operator—female and far too perky for Mary's dark frame of mind—comes on and asks what she needs or where she would like to be connected. "I need help," Mary says into the handset. She can practically hear the operator frowning, because, duh, why else would she be talking to one? "I was...I think I was hit by a car. A van. Whatever."

"Holy sugar!" the operator says, all professionalism thrown out the window. Mary wonders if the operator calls her husband punkin. "Stay where you are, ma'am. We're tracing the call and an ambulance is on the way."

Mary winces; she's too young to be called "ma'am" just yet, and it's another dig at her self-esteem that she really does not need today. It's pretty thoroughly dug already.

"Thanks," she says, and lets the handset clatter out of her grip, relieved because it was pressing into her road burn. She slumps down the side of the phone booth to wait. She folds bruised elbows over bruised knees and rests her head back against the Plexiglass and tries to stay awake. She read that you're not supposed to go to sleep if you've hit your head, and she thinks getting smacked in the skull with a Craft Services van counts. The cord for the phone handset isn't long enough to reach all the way down to her ear, so she just lets it dangle, detachedly amused by the way the operator's voice is squawking out at her. She's pretty sure that she's probably in shock. She's also pretty sure that the fact that she's in shock isn't supposed to be funny, but she realizes belatedly that she's giggling all the same.

Hysteria makes Mary drift for a while. She's aware of closing her eyes, of replaying every time Crispin Okafor winked at her from the back seat of his car, the way she received the cast photo poster after the Season One wrap party, already signed with what she assumed at the time was a personal message. She thinks about how much she threw herself into the show, and how she's never seemed to notice or care that she has been bouncing off of brick walls.

It's a sucky thought. She stops giggling and lets herself be sad for a little while.

She might have even cried, but by then, her head is pounding and her whole body is like one stiff, hot rip. She thinks maybe the wetness on her face is tears, but it could also be rain, or blood; it's hard to keep track, especially when the liquid feels so warm, and her skin is getting so cold.

She wonders if she should be mad for a bit, just to change things up, keep her life interesting until the ambulance arrives, but she isn't sure whether she should be madder at the crew or herself for being so gullible. That spirals her back down into depressing aching sadness again, so she decides to stay there.

And somewhere in all of that, she thinks she sees Crispin Okafor. Crispin—the damnably beautiful lead actor who knows just the right way to smirk at a paparazzi camera, what angle he should hold his head and shoulders at—is sticking his face into the phone booth. He's dressed in his costume; that black leather jacket that Richmond DuNoir favors (whose style Mary has copied), in the signature red silk shirt that makes his smoky dark skin take on the depth of velvet, that fake look of honest concern.

"Miss?" he asks softly. "Miss, are you all right?"

"Fuck off, Crispin," she says back. At least she thinks she says it. It might come out just as a slur. Her mouth feels full of marbles and cotton now, and it's getting harder and harder to do anything as simple as moistening her lips. Of course, Mary very rarely swears, so it could be that, too.

She feels like this is an appropriate time to start, though.

"Miss, I think you're pretty badly hurt."

"Go away," she says, miserably. "You're the last person I want to see right now."

He startles visibly, dark eyes becoming dramatic white spots on his shadowed face. Overdone, she thinks. You're trying too hard to emote. Retake.

"You know me?" he asks.

"Seriously, I said go away."

He looks like he wants to argue with her, but cuts himself off, halted by the sudden approaching wail of sirens. The ambulance screeches to a halt beside her, washing the interior of the phone booth red and blue by turns, painting the already pale skin of her arms with deathly tints: blood-red and dead-flesh-blue and back to skin-colored before alternating again. Crispin is gone between flares, melting artistically into the darkness.

Mary's head starts throbbing worse in the flashing light, and she is pretty sure she's going to vomit any second now. She wishes Crispin had hung around long enough so she could do it on his goddamned shoes.

KEEP READING

#the dark side of the glass #city by night #wattpad #serialized fiction #serialized novel #serialized story #short story #novella #sneak preview #vampires #vampire detective #richmond du noir #antonio #mary #mary sue #tv industry #behind the scenes #urban fantasy #paranormal romance #romance #unconventional love story #J.M. Frey #jmfrey #scifrey #writeblr #bookblr #convolution 2017 #vampire romance #vampire cop #forever knight

[i-may-have-a-point]

Review of 13x18 “Be Still, My Soul”

Personal Note:  I was lucky enough to see this episode at Paleyfest this year. Going to Paleyfest was absolutely one of the most amazing things I have ever done.  After watching thirteen seasons of these characters on my screen, seeing them in person, and finding out that they are just as fantastic as they seem, was just the best.  But Paleyfest was sort of a disconnected experience for me.  Three days before Paleyfest, my dad was diagnosed with cancer.  He has a mass in his lungs, a mass in his stomach, and it has now spread to his lymph nodes.  The morning of Paleyfest, I was facetiming my mom and she told me that my grandma passed away in her sleep that morning.  So, going to Paleyfest, this event that made me so happy, was starkly contrasted by my mind trying to process all of this information from my real life.  I compartmentalize well.  I access my feelings when I need to, and when I need to focus on other things, I put my feelings away to be dealt with later. And that was my plan going in to Paleyfest.  I was going to enjoy the experience and not think about what might be happening back home. Grey’s Anatomy had other plans for me though.  Of all episodes for them to show us, it had to be this one.  I’m not writing this because I need sympathy or comfort.  I just wanted anyone who reads this to understand that I am reviewing this episode through a very specific lens because of my personal experiences so what I see is most likely effected by that.

(Unimportant information: I am fairly neutral on Maggie’s character.  I am not emotionally invested in her.  If she’s in an episode, fine, if she’s not in an episode, fine.  The only strong feelings I have had about her were irritation at how she treated April when she took the Chief position.  And April took care of that quickly because that’s what our girl does.  She gathers her strength, and she rises above adversity.  Also, I was way too excited to see the doctor in the hijab.  Representation matters and Grey’s does it so much better than other shows.)  

The real story:  The episode as a whole is beautiful.  The music represented the tone of the story well, some of the camera angles were perfect, and I think this is Kelly McCreary’s best work on Grey’s so far. And if I ever get a soundtrack to my life, Sleeping at Last is required content. This episode focuses on family and what it means to be family.  On Grey’s, and in real life, families are not always the traditional model.  We find people who feel like home to us and we share our lives with them.  Sometimes they are blood related, other times they aren’t.  Family comes in many forms, and this episode really explores that. It looks at motherhood and what it means to be a mother.  The comparisons and contrasts of Meredith and Ellis to Maggie and Diane start in the voiceover.  Meredith’s mother failed her again.  She began to write a note of advice to Meredith, and she couldn’t even finish that without moving on to something more important.  “Tell Meredith not to…” is all she gets.  How very Ellis.  Maggie’s mom, however, uses her last few words to share wisdom with her daughter. And what a beautiful moment that is. As someone who is about to lose a parent I had to wonder what information do I think is important enough to say with my last breath?  What have I not said enough?  What have I forgotten to say?  What do I absolutely have to tell you now because I may not get another chance? And Diane’s advice is perfect.  Diane is the mother to Maggie that Ellis couldn’t be. She made sure she didn’t get an unfinished note left carelessly in a pile of papers.  She gave her everything she had.  Diane also tells Meredith early on in the episode that she is glad Maggie found her because she had always wanted more children.  Maggie found a sister, her biological father, a step-brother (more on this later) and friends who are more like family in Seattle.  Diane knows that she is surrounded by people who care about her and will help her when she’s gone.  And Richard.  As Jackson says, he is her father biologically, but when Maggie needs support, he is not the father she reaches for.  

Watching Maggie walk through the stages of grief is both difficult and cathartic.  In a way, I think Maggie always knew Diane was not getting breast implants.  That is why she kept chasing an answer as to why it was happening.  It just didn’t make sense for her mother, her strict, conventional mother, to want implants.  This (episode 13x17) was Maggie’s denial stage.  It was easier for her to make jokes about how large her mother’s breasts would be or to ask Alex to check them out than it was to face that something more was going on.  

Thankfully Diane told Maggie about the breast cancer before her surgery.  Maggie immediately transitioned to anger.  She was angry at her mother and angry at Jackson for keeping the information from her.  Maybe in a way not knowing was better.  She could laugh about her mother’s mid-life crisis instead of face her mother’s mortality. But that wasn’t an option anymore. Jackson finds in surgery that Diane’s cancer has spread, and now Maggie has to face what is happening as both a doctor and a daughter.  As she tells Meredith at the end of 13x17, her mother is very sick.

This episode begins with Maggie in full on bargaining mode.  She seems to be compartmentalizing her feelings and focusing on how, as a doctor, she can help her mother.  She questions and pushes her colleagues.  She demands they try harder, dig deeper, and work better.  This explains the scene where Maggie and Meredith disagree on Diane’s treatment and Maggie pushes her mother to kick Meredith off the case. She wasn’t trying to question Meredith’s skills specifically.  It is more Maggie thinking that there has to always be more that can be done because she is unable to accept the alternative at this point.  Maggie’s mind is running through treatment options and she wants to try them all until one works.  If she can just find the one that works, she can help her mom.  She just has to find it.  The clinical trial that Maggie pushes seems to be doing more harm than good, but if you found a way to buy your dying mother more time wouldn’t you try anything you could?  Maybe. Maybe not.  Is more time worth it if it’s full of pain?  Maggie sees her mother hurting, but she tells herself that it is the only option.  She bargains her mother’s pain for the possibility of a medical cure.

Standing in that dark room, staring at her mother’s scans, Maggie fully transitions to depression. And I love that Riggs was there for her.  The logical part of me knows that Maggie will never win the guy in a competition with Meredith Grey, but a part of me still hopes she does.  I like Maggie and Riggs together, and seeing him comfort her when her whole world is falling apart made me love them a little more.  “I just got started.  My mom has been sick for months without me knowing.  Months. (Anger) I feel like I left the house with the oven on and went about my day and came back to find the whole house engulfed in flames. (depression)  And no one will let me in.  No matter what I do, I can’t get inside.  I can’t save anything.  I could have stopped it if I’d known.  So, I can’t give up.  I can’t give up.  Not now. (bargaining)” And then she breaks down in Riggs arms, and the depression stage sets in.  The Sleeping at Last song could not be more perfect here.  The camera pans on Maggie as the artist sings about a lonesome dove. Then the scene changes to Maggie alone on the couch, Meredith and Amelia silently come in to sit with her and the music says, “And stay awhile with me, if I had a friend on this earth, you’ve been a friend to me.”  And Maggie concedes, “She’s going to go, and I’m not ready.  I’m not ready.”  And my heart broke, because if I’m being honest, I’m not ready either.  

Acceptance will come to Maggie in 13x19.  We have seen in the promo and promotional photos that Maggie is still very much dealing with her mother’s death.  My guess is it will come through accepting that her Seattle family is there for her just as her mother always was.  That is why we see her with her family in the promos.  She needs them to accept that her mother may be gone, but she is not alone.

So, before I end this I have to address the Maggie/Jackson uproar.  I have not seen a romantic connection between the two of them ever. We have seen how Jackson Avery acts when he is in love with a woman, and that is just not the case here.  Japril is the most popular ship on the show. There may be a small group of fans who don’t ship them, but for the most part they are the only couple who have rivaled the love that Derek and Meredith had with their popularity and chemistry. They are the only couple who have had two centric episodes, and that is because the show knows how popular they are. They can trust that Japril can hold the ratings while being the only two in an episode because there is no denying they are magic together.  I saw the photos.  Jackson was comforting her as a friend and brother.  I have two brothers.  I know. And honestly, I am glad he is there for her.  A huge part of Jackson’s journey this season has been about family as well.  For so long he was hoping that his father could fill this void in his life, but after meeting him he realized that everything he needed was right in front of him.  And we saw that in JTS.  Jackson and April’s scenes in that hotel room were not them being pushed together out of lust or grief or anger.  They had no distractions or obstacles in their way anymore, and they still chose each other.  And they will again.  Our ship is too strong to let something like this change its course.  Jackson is accepting Maggie as his sister because he sees how important being in his family’s lives is.  If nothing else, his father taught him that.  So, yes, he probably will be comforting her in 13x19, and I truly think we have nothing to worry about.  And if I’m wrong.  Well, then I will be angry.  And not just because Jackson and April are clearly meant to be and I am tired of their happiness being delayed.  I will be more angry because that would cheapen this story for so many viewers. Grey’s Anatomy tells stories that the audience connects with because we have been there.  We have experienced or are experiencing the same pain as these characters, and this story has been a beautiful tribute to everyone who has lost a parent or loved one to cancer.  So I pray they don’t cheapen it by making about anything else.  I just don’t know if I could love the show anymore after that.

#grey's anatomy #13x18 #maggie pierce #japril #kelly mccreary #jackson avery #april kepner

[c-valentino]

Lighter Next To Your Coffee Mug X

“Alright, wrap it up! That’s it for today!” Their coach was clapping his hands as he entered through the plexiglass door, ending their training. Kevin stood behind him, taking on the role of an assistant coach once more for the duration of his recovery. “Hit the showers and get out of here! –Minyard!” Andrew made his way over from the goal unhurriedly. “A word.” Hazel eyes looked between his coach and Kevin, settling on the team’s captain, until Kevin got the hint and left.

  “Coach?” Andrew leaned against the wall next to the door, racquet in hand.

  “How is that investigation coming along? Any news?” The whole team was worried about losing their best goalkeeper. Coach Mathews was the first besides Kevin to ask.

  “You know as much as I do, Coach.”

  “At least try to lie convincingly, Minyard. Show a little respect once in a while.” Maybe he should. Maybe he should step up his game and learn from a particular young man he was seeing lately.

  “Yes, Coach.”

  Mathews sighed and waved him off. “Get out of here.” Andrew made it past the door before he added, “We lost this season, but that doesn’t mean I will tolerate players with a drug problem. Are we clear?”

  “Crystal,” Andrew said monotonously. His coach was not an idiot. They had some kind of arrangement. Andrew would stay mostly sober during the season and always play sober, even during practice, in exchange for Mathews turning a blind eye to his drug use when he was off the court. Lately, Andrew had been using more often. His coach thought that was one of the reasons why Andrew refused to play nice with the press or show up for the team’s promotions. In truth, Andrew had always been that way, but he cared even less about those things lately. It seemed more and more unimportant to him with the possibility of Kevin losing his career due to his injury. If Kevin had to quit, Andrew wouldn’t stay.

  Andrew hit the showers and got changed. Kevin was waiting for him outside, sitting on a bench next to the parking lot, where the black Maserati gleamed in the sunlight. Andrew lit a cigarette as soon as he stepped outside. He looked at the sky, inhaled deeply, and furrowed his brows. Slowly, he made his way over to Kevin. The striker looked up at him, and Andrew could already tell that his mind was set on having another of their talks. He didn’t need that right now. All he wanted was to drop Kevin off with Thea and be done with everything for today. Kevin had known him long enough to understand from just watching him that Andrew wouldn’t want to share any information today either. He sighed and let his eyes wander up the stadium, shining in the evening sun, flags fluttering on top in the wind.

  “I wish you would talk to me.” Andrew said nothing. He put one foot onto the bench beside Kevin. “Did you meet your lawyer today?”

  “I did.” It had been an early appointment. His lawyer was a snake of a man, cold-blooded and not easily intimidated. They got along. They didn’t like each other, but that was fine.

  “How did it go?” Andrew just shrugged. “You wanna come over tonight,” Kevin asked carefully. Andrew hated him for offering. This was not how their deal worked. If he didn’t ask Kevin was supposed to ignore it, was supposed to trust Andrew in handling his own business.

  “No.” The goalkeeper crushed his cigarette under his foot and unlocked the car.

  “You know…”

  “Kevin, get in and shut up.” Andrew waited for his team captain to stand up, before they made their way over to the car. As soon as the Maserati came to life around them, Andrew turned up the volume of the stereo and didn’t turn it down again until he left Kevin in front of Thea’s house.

  At home, Andrew made himself something to eat and ignored the team’s group chat popping up on his phone. They would meet at a bar tonight; he would not join them. He had other things on his mind, one being a certain black-haired guy who called himself Neil. ‘You can call me Neil…’ He wondered what the man’s name really was.

  Thinking back on their last encounter, Andrew was sure Neil had chosen to misunderstand his meaning when he had told the man that he didn’t want him to turn their business arrangement into something else. He had wanted to make clear that he was not interested in the whole BDSM scene and did not want to be a part of it. Neil had chosen to take it as a rebuke for showing up uninvited. What a fool. If that had been the case, Andrew wouldn’t have let him in in the first place. In fact, it had surprised him to see Neil a second time that night. He had liked it, he admitted to himself. That had been unexpected too. Normally, he would not have wanted company on a night like that. Not while Drake had been fresh on his mind. It had been different with Neil and that was as surprising as it was interesting.

  Andrew enjoyed the company of the man, simple as that. He wanted to see who Neil really was behind his acting. He wanted to know how much of him was real. Problem was, he might have to cancel their meetings for a while. At least the next one. It was not uncommon for him to lose his sex drive after what he called ‘a drug-induced encounter with Drake’. This could last for a while, and he had no way of knowing for how long. Even touching himself had felt off this morning when he had reached down experimentally. His mind just wasn’t up for it right now. That would change again. He wasn’t worried. It wasn’t a new thing.

    ‘Hey’  Neil sighed and tapped the phone against his thigh. Three letters, one simple word, and it had taken him twenty minutes to work up the nerve to text Andrew this time. It wasn’t just the way they had ended their last meeting –him running away– it was the way their relationship had evolved in his mind that made him feel uneasy about the whole situation. He had gone too far.

  He could see the three dots almost immediately. Andrew was still awake. He didn't respond though. Neil sighed again and let the phone fall from his hand. He rubbed a hand over his face. Although it was already late, it was Saturday night and people were still up and about. Somewhere down the street, a bottle crashed against a wall, and Neil heard someone laughing and someone else screaming. His neighborhood was pretty shitty, but even shitty was still expensive and he couldn't afford to waste money. More screams. Someone would call the cops soon. Not him. He avoided them whenever possible. He would never rely on them. Neil stared at his dark ceiling, listened to the city outside his window. Someone was getting beaten up. The sound was familiar. He could make out at least three people without looking. Maybe four, he thought. His phone buzzed.

  ‘what’ Nearly ten minutes had passed. Neil had so many questions. ‘Are you alright’ was the loudest of them all but he couldn't ask. It was not his place.

  ‘Still Tuesday?’ He needed to know. Again Andrew wrote something he didn't send. The three dots disappeared again.

  ‘I’ll let you know’ three minutes later. A fucking maybe. This was worse than a no. Had he fucked up so badly? Was Andrew still angry with him? This felt so wrong.

  “You are killing me,” he said out loud. He typed ‘alright’ but erased it. Maybe Andrew had seen it because he wrote something else.

  ‘go to sleep.’ Meaning he shouldn't wait for a reply tonight. Yeah, got that message already. Thanks for spelling it out.

  ‘Can’t. My nose hurts, can’t breathe.’ It was pure spite. He allowed himself this much because Andrew was fucking with his brain, and he wanted to get back at him somehow. 

  ‘you have a big mouth. figure it out’  “Hmpf.” That actually made him smile. He wondered if Andrew had taken something again, imagined him being at home getting high. He turned onto his side, tried once more to calm down enough to fall asleep. Pointless.

  ‘Yours is pretty skilled too.’ A drugged Andrew would surely have something to say to that.

  ‘is your mind always down in the gutter’ More and more lately. It was something new Neil had noticed. It was odd and distracting. It wasn’t unheard of, of course. A young man like him should have the desire for sex. Why not? There was nothing wrong with him physically, but the fact that he had suppressed that urge for so long made it seem normal not to think about it. His job made his detachment with the matter even greater. Meeting Andrew had changed that.

  ‘Is yours?’ Did Andrew still look at him and see a prostitute? Only that? Did it matter to him? How easily could he replace him, and would that work vice-versa? No, Neil decided, he couldn’t replace Andrew. It was not like the man had woken his slumbering urges. Neil wouldn’t go out and look for a hook-up. He didn’t want to.

  ‘no’

  ‘I wouldn’t mind returning the favor.’ If you would let me. Normally he hated this kind of talk. It came with the job but with Andrew he didn't mind. He was actually honest about it.

  ‘it’s not a favor, and you left your money’ There it was again. He had overstepped his boundaries and his client pushed him back. Get a grip, his mind hissed.

  ‘You can give it to me on Tuesday.’ Andrew had nothing to say to that. Neil argued with himself for the longest time before he added: ‘I like the sober you better.’ His heart rate went up after he sent it. He had to wait a little for his reply.

  ‘he’s not here to give a fuck’ Neil turned the screen off, turned onto his back and put an arm over his eyes. His chest ached.

      Tuesday came and with it came Andrew’s response in the morning. ‘not tonight’  Neil had woken up an hour later. Either Andrew woke up very early this morning, or he hadn’t slept at all. He had sent the message at 5:45am. Neil turned his phone off. He knew he would check it all day otherwise, just in case Andrew had changed his mind. He wouldn’t. And it wouldn’t do to push him.

  Neil sat on his windowsill, coffee in hand, and looked down at the empty street. Is it some kind of praise thing, he wondered. Because I displeased him, I want to make it up to him? It makes me feel like crap. Maybe it’s because I hurt him when I pushed him. He couldn’t get it out of his head, the picture of Andrew kneeling over him, freezing, choking on that dreadful sound that had come from his mouth… He pushed the memory away.

  Once more he asked himself where he was going with this. Why did he allow himself to risk the stability in his life for one man he didn’t even know? Maybe it was because of the life he lived. It wasn’t worth much to him in the first place. It was far from perfect; it was nothing like he had imagined it when he had been younger and full of Exy dreams. But it was still his life, and actually staying in one place felt like the right move for the first time. You know it won’t last.

  Neil decided it was time to slip into the role of the nameless customer, ordering Roland’s special tonight. It might take his mind off things.

     When Andrew opened the door, he already knew who was waiting there for him. Allison was dressed in a tight black dress and black heels that made her even taller and made him look up, just to meet her eyes. She looked like business. It made her smell like contracts and signed lines at the bottom of the page. She looked like a million bucks, and she had the confidence to pull it off. He wasn’t into women, but he recognized beauty when he saw it. Allison would make heads turn tonight.

  “Coach sent me,” she said in way of greeting. “I’m your date tonight.”

  He did not look like he would need a date tonight. He had just finished a workout, was sweating allover, unshaven, and wasn’t even trying to look pleased to see her.

  “I’m not going,” he told her. It was a charity event. The whole team was invited, their names adding a youthful attraction to the list of fame and money, luring in more guests to raise money for orphaned children.

  “Yes, yes, can we skip this part? You refusing to go and me telling you that you have no choice. And don’t pull the orphan card on me, Minyard. I know you don’t care. But they do. You add authenticity to the whole thing. People love that.” She looked him up and down. “It’s in your contract, Andrew. You know how many events you have to attend each season. You’ve skipped all of them so far.”

  His face was a mask that didn’t crack. If she hadn’t known him, she would think he wasn’t listening. But Andrew was always listening.

  “What if I promise that we won’t stay long? Work with me, Minyard. Let’s just get this over with. Let’s stay for the champagne and sneak out when the bidding starts.” She knew what he was thinking. What’s in it for me? She had talked to Kevin, and they both agreed that Andrew was getting more and more unstable. Kevin’s injury had dealt him a blow he might not recover from until it was too late.

  “Name it,” she told him. His price for tonight’s event. She was here to play both sides. She would make sure Andrew would show up and keep coach Mathews happy, and she would also make sure Andrew would not violate his contract and stay on the team for his own good. He might not care, might not even care years later, but she would take care of him right now. Someone had to. He was doing a piss-poor job of it himself.

  “You have nothing to offer,” he said.

  “Don’t I? There is a file in my office that says I do. You should be more careful who you invite to your bedroom, Andrew. I must say, you got me curious the moment I saw him sitting in your living room. He’s cute.” She smiled like dripping honey, slow and sweet, but her words were acid.

  He blinked slowly, like a cat, staring at her. In his mind he imagined grabbing her slender neck, choking her, pushing her backwards until she hit the wall behind her. He imagined the choked noises she’d make, her nails clawing at his hand, how they would slip under his sleeves and scratch there, too close to his scars. He’d grab her wrists then…

  “Blackmail?” He feigned boredom. It was convincing, was part of his character. She couldn’t know that a simple prostitute had gotten under his skin.

  “No,” she answered, laughing a little. “I’m not a masochist, silly. Do you think I’m stupid? Come on. I’m bribing you. Make it worth your while. You really want to know what I’ve found.” Her smile got wider, more cheerful. He said nothing for a few heartbeats. “You think I’m lying?” she asked then.

  “No,” he replied and stepped aside to let her in.

  “So, tonight… Get cleaned up, will you? I know you’re gay, but I can see every muscle underneath that sweat-dripping shirt and I’m hopelessly underfucked. It’s not fair.”

  “TMI,” he mumbled and closed the door behind her.

    Andrew Minyard and Allison Reynolds stepped into the room, causing heads to turn their way. They were both dressed all in black, the only contrast being their two different shades of blond hair and pale skin. He looked even smaller than usual at her side, but her slenderness and his powerful frame kept it from looking comical.

  She noticed his displeasure from the sudden overwhelming attention and said in a low voice, “You do clean up nicely.”

  “That dress will solve your lack of eager potential husbands,” he answered flatly.

  “Was that a compliment? I couldn’t tell.”

  “Neither could I.” They mingled with the crowd and spotted Kevin and Thea almost immediately. The tall striker was hard to miss. Kevin looked relieved to see Andrew, causing the goalkeeper to shoot him an annoyed glare. Things had been so much easier when Kevin had been too scared for his own life to worry about him. “I’m out of here in thirty minutes,” he told her.

  “Make it forty five and we have a deal.”

  He gave her a mock-salute, grabbed one of the champagne glasses from one of the waiters and withdrew to the wall in the back of the room, next to a window. Showing up here was part of the deal, making conversation wasn’t. He could see that Kevin wanted to follow him by the way the striker turned his head to keep an eye on him, but Kevin was always the center of attention and Andrew would be seriously annoyed if he would drag him into it. No one wanted to witness that. He would slip outside when the attention gathered on the stage in front of the room and the charity auction began. He couldn’t wait. 

   In the end it took almost an hour for the party to proceed to the main event that evening. Andrew  locked eyes with Allison one finale time, taking her approving smile as dismissal –not caring if it wasn’t –and left without another word. He thought about going home but that seemed like a waste now that he was already dressed up and outside. A short trip to Eden’s sounded like the better idea.

 <<Chapter 9                                                                                                 Chapter 11>>

#andreil #fanfiction #andrew minyard #neil josten #lntycm #all for the game #aftg #tfc fanfic

[francisneuman]

Constantly feeling inadequate and unimportant

So a few things to start off with: I'm merely 17, live in Hungary and primarily learn German. The latter is merely about the grammatical mistakes I'm bound to make, so sorry in advance.

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When I was a little child, I had a normal family, or so I thought. We moved a lot, I constantly had to "break up" with friends and find new ones, and being the introverted shy kid I was, it was hard. After that, we settled into a considerably large city (for Hungary anyway) and I went to primary school here. The first two years were amazing, I made a handful of friends and went to all kinds of summer camps. The teachers liked me and I liked them, even though we only had 2 to please. And a German/English teacher, but they were out of the picture for the majority of classes.

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Then the third year changed everything. One of the two "main" teachers was completely fine, the other...

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No other way to describe her than as a ruthless cunt. Threw crayons and sponges with plastic cases at 9 year olds, berated me constantly, for my drawings, the way I performed in PE class, and also for me not writing down the individual results of additions (I mean, as with 13+3+9=? you also needed to write down the individual result of 13+3, above the plus). Also wanted to give half the math book as homework, only to never actually bring that homework up, ever.

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Absolutely everyone loathed her. Thankfully, she only taught us for one year more, although that's two years too much to be fair.

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The rest of primary school (up to eight grade) I spent with being too afraid to show my drawings to anyone but the teacher, never ever raised my hand even though I knew the answer to the questions, never joined any competition nor did I make any friends outside our class.

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I was afraid. Of being ridiculed, of being humiliated, of seeming like a total ass. But this fear was not new, back when I was a child, I feared my father too. He didn't show me any affection, my mother was a stay at home mother for a while, so she had time to take care of me. But I never got a hug, my concerns were belittled, and I was just kind of neglected. And I was too timid to ask for any of this, so I turned to videogames. The Witcher and Rome Total War mainly.

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To be fair, my parents could've tried their best, they could've expected a different kind of kid, after all, I was their firstborn.

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But the pain struck me truly when my brother was given everything I ever wanted. Like he was a nobleman's heir or something. And here I was, the meagre serfboy, who should've been working by the age of 7.

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Miraculously I handled it pretty well for a considerable ammount of time. Never whined about any of this, never tried to garner sympathy, to cry for help. So I maintained my image as a kind of "aloof but mature, funny but serious, strong but gentle (add whatever contradictory exaggeration you want to add to that list)" guy. That false image seemed to have attracted (if not romantically then platonically) one of my classmates. After she sat down next to me because the whole classroom had to be rearranged because of some delinquent guys.

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She was an intriguing person to be sure, but we got along fine. I felt content next to her. I had a purpose, and she appreciated me for it. I helped her in history, she helped me in biology. Hell, she tried to push me to get a 5 in biology in eight grade because I had an average of around 4.47 (5 is the best, 1 is the worst grade here). I declined but got the 5 because the teacher knew it was the only subject I needed to get a straight 5 average.

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Some time afterwards I went to a new school, a grammar school (or high school), and it was exhausting. Constant tests, seemingly useless subjects for someone who got into an advanced German class, mandatory PE lessons, 5 per week.

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I felt like absolute shit after a year. I loathed literature, I wanted no more chemistry lessons, and seemingly we got one of the worst batch of the otherwise good roster of teachers. The history teacher always had something else to work on, the chemistry teacher wanted us to memorize everything and give it back to him 100%, the literature teacher taught in an incredibly boring and uninteresting way, but the English guys and gals got it even worse.

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I decided to write about this to the previously mention friend, who after having enough of my whining, decided to just go silent on me. Tbf, she could've wanted to help just didn't know how, but I find it hard to believe.

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So I sinked deeper and deeper, but I didn't want to acknowledge it as full-blown depression, because I thought it was just a bad season or something (to this very day I don't know exactly what my problem is). I don't blame it on her or the new teachers, they just weren't aware of the full picture.

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Then I decided to just draw and write poems and maybe short stories from time to time. It helped, sort of. And after a year, out of fear I deleted all of my poems and stories, threw out my drawings and limped through tenth grade.

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Then we went on a class trip to England, and it was pretty good. The family was very welcoming, the landscape was beautiful (altough I still prefer the Hungarian plains) and the few people I interacted with were polite. Unlike in Vienna, but that's a different story.

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Along with us came a girl who I would later have a crush on. We shared similar interests, could talk for hours and understood eachothers grievances. She had her fair share of terrible experiences, she was bullied because of her height and humiliated in front of her current class. In a weird sense, this made me feel like my problems were nothing, because I never truly experienced this, I was just paranoid of this kind of treatment.

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We were friends for four months and yesterday I broke down for something minor and went to her for consolation and advice, but I broke even further and then I became paranoid about what happened to the last girl who I told this stuff so in the chaos I confessed to her and practically told her that this negativity could spread on to her so she must cut all ties with me.

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She told me that I was tired and needed some sleep. I was puzzled, because she was right, I realized I was behaving irrationally. I felt immense shame and just buried my head in the pillow.

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But what do these things have to do with the title? Well, you see...

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I love writing stories and poems, but I hate literature, so I feel as if my words are worthless. I love to draw, but everywhere I look, I'm reminded that my works are nothing. Anything I do, there's always something wrong with it. It's inadequate, it's worthless, awful, terrible, it should burn and never disgrace anyone's eyes.

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I feel as if I achieved nothing, which to be honest, should come to no surprise for a 17 year old, right? But there's this looming threat of dying suddenly, with people either thinking I was a bland loser or an idiot, a wannabe Shakespeare or something. And that scares the hell out of me, because I live merely to maintain my grandfather's name, may he rest in peace. I was always told I resembled him best. So by dying in such a way, I bring dishonor to both him and me.

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