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page-doctor-bekker · 3 years

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Human Error (transfemme!sarah)

(A/N) this really doesn’t actually have anything to do with sarah being trans, it just takes place in the same universe. this is literally just an event that happened in this au written out so i can write about effects surrounding it without people being confused lol.

“Reese, we’re slammed, any chance you can take treatment four?” Maggie pointed at Sarah Reese, and then at the fourth treatment room. Sarah looked up from the computer, before grabbing her tablet and heading to the treatment room.

“Hi, Mr. Nearling? I’m Dr. Reese, what seems to be the issue today?” Sarah pushed for hand sanitizer, rubbing her already-dry hands together until the gel had absorbed.

“Trouble breathing…” The man took a few labored breaths, “Cold sweat… I’m shaking, I can’t breathe-”

“Okay, I see, when did this start? Does your chest hurt at all?”

“I… I had a big meeting today and it just happened suddenly. I guess it hurts a little bit.”

“Can I take a listen to your heart?” Sarah asked, already taking her stethoscope off of her neck. The man nodded, and she pressed the drum to his chest. His heart was racing.

He started talking fast, “Are you going to be able to give me a doctor’s note? I’m going to lose my job…” He started breathing faster.

“Has this ever happened before?” Sarah asked, lifting the stethoscope from the man’s chest, “Any history of anxiety or panic disorders?”

“Never like this,” He choked up and coughed a bit, “But, I had social anxiety as a kid.”

“Do you have any family history of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, or high blood pressure? Do you smoke, drink?”

“No, none of that,” The man waved his hands, “I’m a healthy guy. A vegetarian, everything- everything is fine! I’m perfect, I can’t-”

“Mr. Nearling-” He was hyperventilating, and Sarah grabbed one of his hands, “Mr. Nearling, I think you’re having an anxiety attack,” Dr. Reese let go of his hand, and hung her stethoscope back around her neck, and tapped on her iPad, “I’m going to give you something to calm you down, then we can talk about coping strategies and I will refer you to outpatient psychiatry to continue care. April, push 1.5 milligrams of Ativan.”

April pushed the medication through the patient’s IV line, and Dr. Reese pulled up a round, spinning stool to the bed and sat down. April nodded at the doctor, and left the room, pulling the curtain shut.

Mr. Nearling calmed down noticeably, which Dr. Reese took as a success - Panic attack subsided. Dr. Reese smiled, “It’s normal to have some residual physical symptoms, mild tightness, shortness of breath, but as the medication works you’ll calm down more and more. Have you ever had a panic attack before?”

Mr. Nearling shrugged, “Maybe? I’ve never gone to the hospital for it.”

“After a severe panic attack you may have more panic attacks in the coming days or weeks, so I’m going to call in a mild benzodiazepine in case you need a bit of help,” Dr. Reese typed that into the tablet, “When you feel the anxiety and panic start up, you definitely want to try coping mechanisms before you take medication for it. The medication is just for if those coping mechanisms don’t work, which sometimes happens and is to be expected every once in a while.”

Mr. Nearling nodded, taking a deep breath. It was shaky going out, but residual anxiety can do that.

“So, a good first step, whenever you’re having a panic attack, is to recognize that you’re having a panic attack. If it doesn’t work to say it in your head, say it out loud,” Dr. Reese tapped the tablet against her leg with each coming syllable for emphasis, “I am having a panic attack.”

“I am having a panic attack.”

And just like that, it was no longer a panic attack. Mr. Nearling went limp, and the monitors started going crazy. Dr. Reese held two fingers to the man’s neck, and yelled out, “I need a crash cart!”

Everything moved fast after that. Sarah was pushed out of the way by two ED doctors, who started barking out orders.

“He’s in cardiac arrest, page CT. Reese, get on his chest-”

Sarah could feel blood pounding in her ears, and she clasped one hand over the other and started humming. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive. Stayin’ alive. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive… No matter how much CPR she performed, she still needed the song to keep her on beat.

“-Milligram of Epi.”

Ah, ha, ha, ha…

“Hold compressions,” Dr. Choi barked, holding two fingers to the man’s neck, “Clear!”

The man’s chest lurched as he was shocked, and Sarah’s heart jumped into her throat. Dr. Choi held his fingers back to the man’s neck, “Another milligram of Epi. Charge to 200.”

Sarah resumed compressions. Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’...

“Clear!”

Sarah held her hands up, shaking. This never got easier.

“Asystole,” April sighed out, preparing another milligram of Epi. She knew exactly what Dr. Choi was going to ask for next.

“Another milligram of Epi.”

Sarah reached to resume compressions, but Dr. Choi swatted her hands out of the way and did CPR himself. Dr. Choi did it slightly faster than Sarah did. He knew the man was dead.

Sarah squeezed her clammy hands together, shaking like a leaf.

Dr. Bekker rushed in almost immediately after Dr. Choi stopped compressions, and was floored when Choi called time of death.

“Alright, why wasn’t this patient taken to the cath lab as soon as his heart attack was diagnosed?” Ava’s tone was stone cold.

Everyone looked at Sarah.

“He uh… He presented with…” She cleared her throat, “With shortness of breath, mild chest pain, cold sweat, shakiness, and extreme anxiety as well as a positive history for social anxiety. He did not-” She cracked her knuckles, “Um… He also displayed signs of work-related stress and no- Uh, no risk factors for heart attack. I determined he was having a panic attack and ordered 1.5 milligrams of Ativan and started talking about coping strategies with him.”

“Whenever a patient shows up with chest pains they should receive a FULL cardiac workup REGARDLESS of history and risk factors,” Dr. Bekker took a step towards Sarah, and grew louder, “If YOU were in the emergency room with CHEST PAIN, would you be anxious?!”

“I- uh-”

“You did NOTHING you should have. ANXIETY is NOT a contraindication for a heart attack, and now this man is dead. Leaving him to die in the waiting room would be more effective,” She spat out, her tone venomous, “Psych residents, I swear. God, isn’t anyone in this hospital competent?”

Sarah was out of the room before she even knew she was moving. Her feet dragged her away and her heart was practically leaping out of her chest. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and she started chewing on her tongue to avoid letting them go. She clenched her fists as Dr. Charles called her name.

“Dr. Reese! I was paged to the ED, something about you?”

“I need to use the bathroom,” She pushed past him, and he grabbed her arm.

“Sarah,” He whispered, “Go sit in my office when you’re done. I’m going to finish rounds. We’ll talk when I’m done,” He started to walk away, before turning around, “You’re not in trouble, Sarah, I just want to understand what happened.”

Sarah pushed open the swinging door to the women’s bathroom, bolted into the nearest stall and slammed the door shut. She sat down and started sobbing.

I’m in love with her.

She choked on her own snot, and ripped off a piece of toilet paper to blow her nose.

I’m in love with her, and she hates me.

She let out a wail.

i’m in love with her, she hates me, and I failed her.

The bathroom door opened.

“Sarah?”

Sarah held her breath, pulled her knees up to her chest to avoid making any noise.

“I don’t think she’s in here,” Sarah heard April, a gentle voice amongst the madness.

Sarah heard a pager beep.

“Ugh, I have a heart transplant. Whatever, send a note to Dr. Charles and let him know I was looking for her.”

She wants to yell at me some more. She wants to hurt me. She somehow knows about me and I’m going to get fired. I’m going to get fired and be all alone. She knows about me and she’s going to hurt me and I’m going to get fired.

They left, and Sarah let out her breath and let her feet fall to the floor. She blew her nose again, and took a deep, shaking breath. She stood up, and leaned her forehead against the stall door. She took her hair down from it’s low ponytail, and shook it out. She grabbed a piece of her hair and started absentmindedly braiding it - an old anxious habit.

A few minutes and three braids later, she opened the stall door and stared into the mirror in front of her. She wiped away her tears, approached the sink, and splashed water on her face, soaking one of her messy braids in the process. She dried with a thin paper towel, took another shaky, deep breath. She grabbed a helping of hand sanitizer on her way out of the bathroom. Force of habit. Even leaving her bedroom at home she sometimes tries to push the sanitizer button, even though it isn’t there.

Sarah practically ran to Dr. Charles’s office, hurriedly taking her braids out and running her hands through her tangled hair.

She unlocked Dr. Charles’s office door with her key, and closed the door behind her. She did not turn the lights on. Instead, she made a beeline for the couch. There was a throw blanket stored under one of the cushions, and she pulled it over her after grabbing it. She covered her face with a pillow, and screamed into it.

“Sarah?”

She forcefully uncovered her face, before relaxing once she saw it was just Daniel.

“Sarah,” He inquired, sitting down at his desk, “What happened today?”

Sarah sniffled, “I misdiagnosed a heart attack as a panic attack,” She choked out, “Mid-30s male presenting with shortness of breath, mild chest pain, cold sweat, anxiety, healthy weight, vegetarian, panicking with a history of social anxiety, currently experiencing work-related stress, no family history of heart disease, nothing.”

Dr. Charles sighed, “Common mistake. Hardly something to have a-”

“He died, Dr. Charles,” She cried, “He’s dead.”

Dr. Charles’s face hardened, “I see,” He faltered.

“And- And Ava, God, Ava…” She pressed her hand to her forehead, “She yelled at me in the middle of the ED, and she said I was incompetent and-” She choked out a sob, “She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, Sarah,” Dr. Charles’s tone softened, “She’s just… She’s just angry. She won’t be angry forever.”

“I just really messed up today,” Sarah swiped her tears away with trembling hands.

“You did,” Dr. Charles agreed, “You did mess up today, but-”

“I’m going to get sued-”

“Sarah.”

“I’m going to lose my residency and I don’t have a fallback plan, I’m in so much debt and so much trouble-”

“Sarah, you’re not going to lose your residency,” Dr. Charles yelled, and Sarah fell silent. He took a deep breath, “I’m sorry for yelling at you, but you’re not going to lose your residency. Every single doctor has a misdiagnosis in their career, it’s just part of the job.”

“But he died. And it’s my fault.”

“Sarah, you are going to lose patients. And sometimes it’s going to be your fault,” He reasoned, “You’re a good doctor, Sarah, you’re a good doctor who made a mistake. You want to know what happened during my residency? I diagnosed a teenage girl experiencing vomiting and lack of appetite with bulimia,” He raised his eyebrows at Sarah, “She died of malnutrition. Autopsy showed she had ulcers all along her digestive tract,” He shrugged, “She was in too much pain to eat! But all I saw was a sickly thin teenage girl that was vomiting and couldn’t eat.”

Sarah stayed quiet.

“The point is, things happen. Death happens. Sometimes, conditions disguise as one another. Medicine is hardly ever an exact science,” Dr. Charles pointed out, “Human error is expected, you’re not going to get fired, and you’re probably not going to get sued. Mr. Nearling presented with no typical risk factors of a heart attack, and all the typical risk factors and symptoms of a panic attack. Did you purposefully ignore Mr. Nearling’s heart attack?”

Sarah shook her head.

“Boom,” Dr. Charles threw his hands up in front of him, “You had no malicious intent. You made a mistake, a common mistake, on a patient that didn’t present typically, and it had consequences.”

Sarah nodded.

Dr. Charles sighed, and looked at Sarah with a look of sympathy, “And now it will never happen again, right?”

She nodded.

“You’re going to take complaints with these symptoms more seriously?”

She nodded.

“You’re not a bad doctor, Sarah, you’re just a human,” He said, “In med school they always teach you what someone who has a heart attack looks like, just like they taught me what someone who has an eating disorder looks like. You just have to learn to get past that phenotype and look deeper.”

Sarah stayed quiet.

“Look... This is hard. I get it,” Dr. Charles sighed, “Just... go home, Sarah. Take a breather.”

“What?”

“Go home. Come back in a few days. Take a break.”

“Yes sir,” She said, quietly, before standing up to leave.

(A/N) thanks for reading :) i’m going to build on this at some point and write a follow-up to this one shot. hope you enjoyed! this is a foundation for the parts i want to write, so it doesn’t have too much about sarah’s actual transition. i am so sorry for making ava be mean :(( EDIT: If you liked this, check this out bc I am continuing it!

#chicago med #one shot #chicago med one shot #sarah reese #writing #also my favorite sarah headcanon is that she still has to hum or sing stayin alive to do cpr #she has no natural rhythm without a guide lol #thats okay #transfemme!sarah #my au #angst #mild angst #dr charles #dr charles comforting sarah reese #dr charles is a good father figure #crockettstiddies

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ma-lark-ey · 4 years

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((Remember that brief post I made on Lark(?) getting sick? Yeah here's a whole chapter. But this time its angsty))

CW; for sickness, mentions of vomit, dry-heaving, minor panic attack description, spoilers for Episode 39-40. Theres some Oakson if you squint, I dunno if that counts at a trigger,,, but yeah

Henry couldn't remember the last time Lark was the twin to get sick. He had such an impenetrable immune system he thought he was incapable of the thing. But here he was, fixing Lark a bowl of soup while he laid on the couch under a fuzzy blanket.

"Here, Birdie. Don't eat it too fast, alright?" He brushed Lark's bangs back and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Sure, his boy was nearly fifteen, but no child is too old for a sweet forehead kiss.

That usual fire Lark had boiling in him was dessimated by his case of some virus, and instead of his usual extravagant response to Henry, he just nodded.

"When's Ma gonna be home?" He asked, pushing himself to sit up enough to eat comfortably. His eyes looked like a raccoons, deep dark circles around them, sunk and dull. His skin was pale and lifeless. He could pass as a vampire. And that's his the boys went, either they were perfectly healthy, or they nose dove into being couch bound for a week.

"Somewhere around seven, she's bringing dinner. But, I may have to leave here soon. I have a meeting for something. You think you'll be alright by yourself for a little bit?" Henry hated the thought of leaving his boy when he was so vulnerable. Anything could happen in two hours. Especially with how quickly Lark's health could plummet. Last time one of them got sick, Sparrow was fine Friday morning and by Sunday evening they were taking him to urgent care because he had fluid in his lungs.

"I'll be fine, Dad." Lark set his half eaten bowl of soul on the coffee table, snuggling right back down into his blankets. "Hey, could you go get me the plush on my bed? The- the Pichu one."

"Of course, Lark. I'll be right back." Henry stood, making sure Lark was cozy in his blankets and went to grab the stuffed animal. It was rare the twins had toys un-destroyed as kids, but that Pokemon bear Nick had gotten Lark as a birthday gift when they were six? That thing always stayed perfectly in tact.

He picked the old, well-loved toy up off the bed. He could see the stitching on its ear where Sparrow had accidentally ripped it when they were seven. Lark cried for hours, wouldn't talk to Sparrow for thirty whole minutes over it.

The young granola-crunching dad trotted back downstairs. Lark was laying limp on the couch, breathing short and shallow. He looked horrid. Henry's going to have to cancel his meeting, he knows that. He's not leaving Lark alone when he looks this bad. Henry should recheck his temperature.

He set the Pichu down in the gap between Lark and the back of the couch, placing his palm on his forehead. God,,the kid felt like fire.

Lark gagged suddenly, throwing the blankets off himself and grabbing the pot he kept on the floor next to him. The soup he'd just eaten came right back up, he sat there, hunched over, crying and dryheaving for a good five minutes. Henry rubbed circles in his back and tried to soothe him. But, Lark couldn't even keep water down anymore. Henry knew he was dehydrated, and he didn't know what to do anymore.

Lark let out a sob, leaning into his dad. Henry held his boy against him, not daring to give a gentleman sway like he usually would.

"It hurts... Everything hurts..." He whimpered. He sounded so small, which wasn't a way Lark Oak-Garcia should sound.

"I know, baby. I know." Henry reached for thermometer he'd been keeping on the coffee table. He pulled it out of the protective case.

Lark looked at him, his eyes looked so tired. He opened his mouth and let Henry put the device under his tongue. It took a minute, but the thing beeled and Henry checked.

106.7. Oh hell no. Oh heeeell no.

"Get some shoes on, Lark, we're going to the emergency room." He said quickly, pushing himself to his feet and going to grab his keys, phone, wallet, and own shoes.

"Dad, I'm fine, I-"

"You're temperature is one hundred and SIX! That is not fine! Get some shoes!" Henry felt his hands started to shake. No, not now. He felt that familiar crushing feeling of his chest caring in on itself. Not now. Stupid panic attack disorder.

"Dad, really, itll go down in the hour I'm-"

"Lark Oliver Oak-Garcia, do not argue with me on this please, we are going to the emergency room and thats final. Now put on your shoes!" He knew he snapped, but he was freaking out. He didn't know anything about his stuff. In the Realms, when someone was this sick you'd cast a healing spell and bada-bing bada-boom, hes fine! But this isn't the realms, and there isn't magic! He pressed trembling fingers to his temples, trying to ease himself out of the coming panic attack before he really got consumed in the anxieties. He needed to be Dad right now, not Henry.

He looked around the room, listing off things he could touch or hear or see. Just like Mercedes had taught him.

Deep breath in.... Deep breath out. Its good. Lark's good. Focus on getting him to the doctor.

Henry snatched his keys and phone off the table, grabbing his wallet from the counter in passing and shuffling to get on his Birkenstocks.

Lark was shuffling awkwardly to the door, holding his Pichu plush. He looked nauseous just standing, but both Henry and Lark knew there was nothing left in his system to come back up.

Henry helped him into the passenger seat and buckled his seat belt, leaning it back so he wasnt sitting straight up and making himself light-headed. Then, he got himself in the drivers seat and pulled out of the driveway, handing his phone to Lark.

"Call your brother." He said sternly, eyes focused on the road as he moved to the urgent care clinical as fast as possible. Of course Lark listened, and Sparrow came through the Bluetooth of the car.

"Hey, Dad. What's up? How's Lark doing?"

"Hi, Sparrow. Letting you know, Lark's fever is almost 107, so we're going to the emergency room. Don't know when I'll be home, you can stay with one of the boys, or stay at home. I don't care. Mom's gonna be home around seven."

"Uh- oh! Okay. Um... Okay. Thats- okay, Dad. Is he okay? Just a high fever?" Of course Sparrow immediately sounding absolutely terrified.

"Don't panic,,Lark's good. He's just... He's low on fluids, his fevers high. I'll send you plenty of updates, promise. But, I gotta let you go cause we're here and I need to get him in. I love you so much, Sparrow."

"I... I love you too, Dad. And Lark. I- okay. I'll probably stay at Terry's."

"That's fine, call me when you get there, okay?"

"Okay... Bye."

"Bye, Sparrow.

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Henry paced the waiting room. Its not that they were doing anything major to Lark, just running some standard health checks and getting him settled in a room for the night. But, your pride and joy, your beautiful son whom you love more than life itself being in a hospital room without you? Terrifying. Fucking terrifying.

Darryl had arrived about five minutes ago, and was currently trying to get Henry to stand still.

"Darryl, Darryl, darling, you're wonderful but you really need to shut the fuck up. If I sit, I will stop the adrenalin rush and when I stop the adrenaline rush my thoughts start going-"

"Henry-"

"and that means my brain turns back on and when my brain turns back on, it means I'll probably have a panic attack and I really don't want to have one right now,"

"Henry!"

"at this moment, because for the love of god, Darryl, I need to know when my boy is okay and I can't know when my boy is okay if I have a panic attack because then I won't be able to-" Darryl grabbed hold of Henry's shoulders and stared him right in the eye.

"HENRY!" Thank god he finally got him to stop going down the rabbit hole, it took Henry long enough. He stared the other father in the eyes. His mind stopped for a moment. Just a moment. But it was a long enough moment.

Darryl knew the tears were coming before Henry ever showed signs of beginning to cry. He pulled him into a tight hug and just held him there, in strong arms.

"Its okay, Henry. He's fine. Just a high fever and some dehydration. He'll be fine." Darryl promised him.

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And, Darryl was right. Lark was fine. Henry freaked out over nothing. Late that night, Lark was discharged again. After his fever went back down and they gave him fluids.

It was now well past midnight, and Henry was exhausted. He got his just as tired son in bed, tucking him in and making sure the pichu was tucked in Lark's arms. He gave yet another forehead kiss, turning off the lamp.

"Goodnight, kiddo. Hope you feel better in the morning."

And, Henry dragged himself back to his bedroom, where Mercedes laid already asleep. He changed into a pair of pajama pants and crawled in next to her. Like her sixth sense, she rolled over to use Henry as some kind of large teddy bear like she did everything night. It was so nice. He took a long, deep, satisfying breath and settled into his pillows. His eyes became heavy, and he fell asleep faster than he had in years.

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #this was more slef-indulgence than anything #henry has panic attacks okay? no one can take this away from me.

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cat-brodsky · 4 years

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The Secret History: Abridged (part 2)

Fair use disclaimer: The following text is intended as a parody and literary commentary of the published book “The Secret History” by Donna Tartt. Some direct quotations from the book, constituting a very low percentage of the original, have been integrated in the parodic text where appropriate. The author of this text neither profits nor intends to profit from it.

Dramatis personae

The farmer, brutally murdered by four rich kids on a drug trip

Richard Papen, the narrator, a slightly less starry-eyed youth slowly growing addicted to drugs

Julian Morrow, a Greek professor who doesn’t actually care about his students

Bunny Corcoran, killed on Easter, lying at the bottom of a ravine covered by snow

The Toffs minus one:

Henry Winter, increasingly exasperated as the Greek class spirals into self-destruction

Francis Abernathy, gay, neurotic, and slowly descending into alcoholism

Charles Macaulay, a full-blown drunken abuser

Camilla Macaulay, the token girl

Judy Poovey, the only character in the book with both brains and heart

The Corcorans, Bunny’s large family, grieving and “grieving” the loss of their son

Georges “I told you so” Laforgue

Cloke Rayburn, the friendly neighborhood drug dealer

William Hundy, the friendly neighborhood bigot

the greek chorus (played by a person in a floral bedsheet toga with two sockpuppets)

The Fans, seated in the front row of the audience

Chapter 6, in which it snows on Easter

Richard: Just for the record, I don’t consider myself an evil person. What we did was terrible, but you know, none of us were exactly bad!

Richard: Anyway, that’s totally unfair. I thought murdering Bunny would be easy, but for some reason now I’m having nightmares and everybody is on edge and we’re scared the cops are onto us!

Judy: Want some Demerol?

Richard: Sure, nothing could go wrong with thaaa- oh wow I’m hiiigh.

Francis: ohgodI’m so damn nervous - oh, hi, Richard. Wanna f-

Charles: And I’m three sheets to the wind. Soused. Pished. Drunk.

Francis: Gimme some.

the greek chorus: and that’s gonna be a theme for the rest of the book

The Toffs (minus one): We need to act normal. How do we act like normal people. We could say we were watching some of that new-fangled cinematography whilst the murder, I mean the accident, happened. Do we call the cops? Wait, uh, not yet...

Julian: My student has been absent for more than three classes in a row, should I be concerned? Haha, just kidding.

Cloke: Man, I don’t like this. You know Bunny’s always broke, but he’s been flush with cash lately. And he’s always wanted in on my... pharmaceutical business. You think he ran afoul of some real bad guys and got himself killed?

Henry: Oh, he just might have.

Cloke: Damn. Let’s go search his room before calling the cops.

Charles: He had a cut-out of the newspaper with the farmer murder! Oh well, good thing I managed to swipe it.

The cops: He’s been missing for a week and nobody informed us? What’s wrong with you people?

Judy: Richard, have you heard about Bunny? I’m sure he’s alright, but... If you want to talk, or need anything, I’m here.

The search for Bunny: begins

The reporters: present

William Hundy: Daymn right I saw ‘im! He was in a back seat of a white car, with some arab type folks. Now I ain’t saying they was terrorists, but you know them daymn arabs-

Henry: Who’d have thought people are going to make things up? And who’d have thought giving him money would look suspicious?

Francis (drunk): I’ve had to spend time with the Corcorans. How utterly terrible. One of the damn children running around ruined my favorite scarf. And they didn’t even notice - what’s more important, their dead son or my scarf? By the way, Richard, I am definitely not attracted to you.

Julian: One of my own students - missing? I would be sorry for his parents if they weren’t so... low-brow. But he's such a sweet boy, so silly; I'm really very fond of him. If anything should have happened to him I don't know if I could bear it. Goodness me, this is altogether so very exciting, so dramatic!

Henry, stars in his eyes: There’s divinity in the midst of us.

The FBI agent: We found drug paraphernalia in Bunny’s room.

Mrs. Corcoran: How dare you!

Cloke: I want a lawyer.

Camilla: Did you know Henry had us kill a piglet after that accident with the farmer? Blood can only be washed off with blood, he said.

Richard: Haha, that’s so Henry.

the greek chorus: and then the body is finally found

Chapter 7, in which everyone takes drugs

Everyone in Hampden college: mourns in a sufficiently dramatic way

Julian, writing a letter: Dear Richard, this is all too hard for me. I fear I have a case of the vapours and thus, I shall not return to Hampden until after the funeral. Who cares about the classes you’re taking with me, amirite?

The Toffs: stay with the Corcorans in preparing for Bunny’s funeral

Mr. Corcoran: my son... oh god my son is dead ...you boys want a brewsky?

Mrs. Corcoran: And those flower arrangements we were sent are atrocious. Simply shameful.

Francis: What do you mean we have to sleep in the basement? That’s just wretched.

Richard: This funeral is so inconvenient. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this. And the food they serve us is terrible.

Henry: And the garden is so ugly.

Camilla: I can’t take it. Let’s steal some drugs from the Corcorans.

Cloke: Lemme show you where the missus keeps the good stuff.

Francis and Henry (drunk): Gimme some.

Charles, Cloke et al: get stoned the morning of the burial

Richard: Bunny’s grave is just terrible to look at. Oh, I cannot even.

the greek chorus: farmer who?

Chapter 8, in which it all goes to hell

Julian: Henry is such a sensitive young man. I fear this is hard on him. And Edmund and him were so very close. But why did he have to read such a... modern poem at the wake? I would have suggested something from Phaedo.

Richard: Time for more drugs

Charles: Time for more whiskey

Francis: Time for a shopping trip!

Francis was always generous with his clothes. He gave Charles and me his old suits by the armload. I still wear a lot of those suits: Sulka, Aquascutum, Gieves & Hawkes.

the greek chorus: no comment

Henry: is gardening

Francis: gets diagnosed with an anxiety disorder

Charles: crashes his car driving drunk

Charles: makes out with Camilla in full view of Richard

Francis: Yep, they're doing it. Haven’t you noticed? Him and I slept together once or twice too, big deal. Hell, Richard, if you drank as much as he did, we would have screwed too.

Richard: ...Jesus. And I’m stuck with these people until I graduate.

Charles: falls asleep outside while drunk

Richard: Well, he has a fever of 103 Fahrenheit, which, going by my premed education means uh... Judy, what do we do?

Judy: Go to the hospital, of course! Wait, take my car. I’ll give you the keys.

Julian: So young Charles is in the hospital? Dearie me, you all must be grieving for Edmund. Though, is death really so terrible a thing? It seems terrible to you, because you are young, but who is to say he is not better off now than you are?

Francis: Oh, and I think Camilla and Henry have been sleeping together. And she moved out of Charles’ place. I think they had an argument.

Richard: Well, I’m not taking sides, but this is a really bad time. You should go see him.

Camilla: ...Charles was physically abusing me. I’m afraid of him. And I can’t stay at Francis’ place, because he’d fold like a wet tissue.

Richard: So is that it? You're protecting your own interests?

the greek chorus: DID YOU JUST-

Richard: What if Charles goes to the cops?

Camilla: He’d never do that. And Henry is looking out for him.

Richard: Sure, that’s why Henry’s been sending him whiskey.

Richard: Time for more drugs. I’m on soooo many drugs. Did... did Henry plan it all out? He... he totally planned it out.

Henry: is gardening

Henry: For my entire life, I’ve been dead inside... but everything changed the night I killed that man.

the greek chorus: finally someone remembers the farmer

Henry: You don’t care much about other people, do you, Richard?

Julian: A most terrible thing has happened. A letter, purportedly from the late Edmund, has been delivered to my office - filled with profanity and wild accusations and references to some... murder. A forgery, of course. It saddens me greatly that someone would do that. I wonder who...

The Toffs: oh no

Julian: Why, by Jove, this is the letterhead of the hotel where Edmund and Henry stayed on winter break!

Henry: ...I can explain. You see, during that bacchanal you sanctioned, we went a little wild and wound up recreating The Bacchae - it wouldn’t be authentic without a little killing, right? It was just an accident, we didn’t want to bother you. But then Edmund found out, and he, well... overreacted. He was having some personal problems, you know, family problems... Professor, you said it yourself - we must do what is necessary! Really, it was a mercy killing.

Julian:

Julian: ...why, that's terribly interesting. Anyway, I have just been urgently called away from the university. Istran royal family, you understand.

Henry: But-

Richard: But-

Julian: Gotta leave now, toodaloo!

Henry and Richard: ...son of a-

Richard: You know, in hindsight, Julian is kind of a huge prick. I even wrote down that his inability to see anything in true light was his most attractive quality. Turns out he used his students to boost his ego like some sorta cult leader.

Richard: And you know what’s messed up? I still admire him.

Dean of Studies: Cozy place Julian’s got here, doesn’t he? Well, now that he’s done a bunk - three weeks before final exams - I regret to inform you that you guys will have to switch your majors or something. I doubt the school will keep teaching Greek.

Dean of Studies: After all, there was so little interest in the subject that Julian only had six students, right?

The Toffs: ...SON OF A-

Francis: Charles has gone off the deep end. We’ve gotta take him out to the country, let him keep drinking there.

Charles: Henry’s trying to kill me.

Henry: Am not.

Charles: Are too!

Henry: We need to get him into rehab or something-

Charles: walks in with a gun

Henry: Never mind.

Charles starts shooting; Henry wrestles the gun from him.

Richard: Oh no. I’ve been shot.

Henry: I’m so done with y’all. Why do y’all have to be so incompetent? Can’t a man commit a murder in peace? And worse, Julian has up and fled! I loved him! I believed him! Duty, piety, loyalty, sacrifice my ass! I’m outta here.

Henry shoots himself.

the greek chorus: he lived like a Roman and died like a Roman - from lead poisoning.

Camilla, Charles, and Francis exit stage left

Richard: ...Uh, I’ve been shot? Hello? Anyone?

The Hippie enters stage right. Together with the greek chorus, they start carrying Richard off-stage.

The Hippie: It’s all a metaphor, man. Henry has a limp, from the car accident, right? Well, he’s Satan and he’s here to ruin lives. Julian gets off scot-free, but it doesn’t matter cause his soul is damned, man! That Donna chick is Catholic, right? That’s why Bunny was going on about sin and forgiveness - cause he knew what up and he has a chance in purgatory, man, but the others are Pagans so they don’t. Deep, man.

the greek chorus: man, you’re high like a kite.

The Epilogue, in which nobody is happy

Richard: Yeah, well... Everyone except me dropped out. Turns out that our group was only really held together by Julian’s cult-like teaching and Henry’s blind devotion. And that once we couldn’t pretend to be better than everybody else, we stopped wanting to see each other. Or it might have been the two murders, who knows.

Francis, in the hospital after a suicide attempt: So, my grandfather found me with Kim, a nice young lawyer, balls deep in me, and threatened to disinherit me-

Richard: That old homophobe!

Francis: Oh, no, that's cause Kim is Korean. Anyway uh this is my beard - my dear Pricsilla whom I'm gonna have to marry.

Richard: Or you could actually... work for a living.

Francis: That’s inconceivable. I mean, you work, but you are used to menial labor.

Richard: So... what does Charles do these days?

Camilla: He drinks.

Richard: Good old Charles. Anyway, Camilla, will you marry me?

Camilla: Not a chance.

Richard: Oh well. At least I got Henry’s brand new car out of this whole mess. That’s a net gain if you ask me.

the greek chorus, narrating: “As a writer I’m giving the reader signs to help create the story with me. The reader is bringing his or her own memories, intelligence, preconceptions, prejudices, likes, dislikes. So the characters in your copy of the book are going to look and sound different than in mine. I have my own ideas, but once the book is out there it’s not really mine anymore, and my own idea isn’t any more valid than yours.” Donna Tartt, 2019.

The Fans rush onstage.

Fan 1: Henry did nothing wrong!

Fan 2: Who wants to have a bacchanal?

Fan 3: omg look at my character moodboards

Fan 4: What if we kissed over a copy of the secret history

Fan 5: dark acadamia(sic!) aesthetic

Fan 6: Donna Tartt died for our sins

the greek chorus:

the greek chorus: FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Curtains.

#the secret history #donna tartt #dark academia #henry winter #tsh

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anonymoustoddler · 4 years

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I Got Stoned And Started Typing To Post On FB (And Ended With Something That Could NEVER Get Posted)

Hah. I hit my vape pen a bunch and then this happened:

This afternoon, after taking way too many hits of my *state tested, clean and safe* vape pen, I was surfing hulu on my laptop while scrolling through facebook on my phone and playing Stardew Valley on the PS4 every few minutes in between and I suddenly, in fact altogether _casually_ thought to myself, “I wonder if I’d want kids and be able to take care of them if I made it to 38?”

And the thing is, that is literally the most positive organic thought I’ve had in my VERY busy, VERY chatty brain in almost two years. It is the first thought I have had regarding a potential future that wasn’t colored by the idea that My Mom Is Dead So Nothing I Could Do In Life Would Mean Anything Or Be Possible Because She Isn’t Here To Experience It Too Or To Help Me Through.

This stoned, distracted, completely mindless and unfocused random little insignificant thought... is the first time in over a year and a half of thinking, that did not immediately end with, “She’s Dead So You Can’t Ever Hope For That Anymore Because It Means Nothing Now That She Can’t Be There To Experience It Or Get To Be Proud Of Me For Once” and also, “Nothing Is Possible Without Her Because Without Her I’m Alone And Unable Forever Unless Someone Else Takes Over Helping Me But That Will Never Happen And I Will Never Be Ok Or Able On My Own.”

I mean, no wonder I’m doing so poorly and also dealing so badly with her death?! Being close was great in a lot of ways and awful in others. Our codependent enmeshment was deeply and traumatically unhealthy. Having to be your mother’s best and only friend at 8 years old is... really weird. And abnormal. But then, so is developing a diagnosable anxiety disorder and eating disorder at FOUR YEARS OLD is kind of abnormal too!

The thing is... some physical aspects of puberty for me started very early. VERY early. All aspects of puberty seemed to start earlier in me than a lot of girls in my class, in my grade. So maybe it makes sense too then that I would develop these psychological issues so early, particularly with the stress and fear of moving from Texas to Michigan and leaving the first friends I remember having, how terrified I was of change and meeting new people, trying to make new friends. I was so painfully and obviously shy. I was so afraid of people.

But anyway. No one caught the anxiety disorder until I did myself.... in college. I lived with a totally unchecked anxiety disorder and pretty high-but-not-yet-extreme depression from the ages of five and eleven/twelve respectively, and the first time I got ANY help was at the age of 19. No wonder I was sick for so long. The fucking eating disorder is suuuuch a perfect(ly horrifying) coping mechanism. And since it was my primary, and often only, coping mechanism for many many many years, as in almost ALL of the first two decades of my life. Two decades of drilling this into myself of How To Relieve Stress And Self Soothe = Disordered Behaviors And NOTHING ELSE.

Is it really any wonder why I’m like this??? I am dealing with the loss of my only family; my best friend by leaps and bounds and freakin lightyears; my entire and very giving safety net - so I could try something new or move away or whatever and I knew I was safe because if it didn’t work out or I tanked I could ALWAYS go home. Always.

I’m also dealing with the loss of... the person who never let me try things because she was a control freak so I could never learn from her; the person who taught me the

passive aggressive ➡️ passive aggressive ➡️ very aggressive

method of responding to interpersonal relations, which I mean... how could anything go wrong?! 🙃🙃🙃

I’m dealing with the loss of a relationship where my mom once, in all seriousness, asked me if I’d have a baby if I didn’t have to take care of it, she would take care of it for me.

Like, I know part of her was “joking” but... she wanted to be a grandmother. She wanted to see me have a career, a family, security.

But also who sort of benefited from my continued illness; my inability to cope or work; my low functionality, my constant need of help, support, and validation... they made her SO frustrated but also kept her busy and kept her from being alone, kept me with her but also sometimes was too much for her so it was upsetting, because surprise - crazy people gon turn up a notch higher than you can predict, and don’t ever forget that.

I am mourning this relationship that either fully shaped or strongly influenced almost every issue I have now. I don’t mean to shirk responsibility, just to be clear - I have to actually try as much as is literally possible to fix the things in me that are broken. I have to find a therapist and go to therapy. Trust my doctors, try a hundred different meds that might ALL make me horribly sick or even more crazy or both as side effects while still trying to build some kind of life. Maybe, eventually, find one, but also... get out of bed every day. Shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, GET OUT. Grab your coat boots keys purse and go outside. Make it into your car, drive it down a few blocks (depending on where you want coffee/are you reading a book or can you play HP there/etc), get coffee and sit and read or play a bit or work lines or whatever. Make your to do list there! Lay out a plan for the day. Schedule at least two work items then set a timed break for video games or whatever. When the alarm goes off, you MUST get back to work. Two to three more items earns a longer break to play OR taking care of any other immediate need stuff and then going out or something.

If you want to get some casual exercise, go to either mall. Walk around for Shopkick, the game, and to get your blood flowing at least a teensy bit while working out rarely used muscles and burning juuuuust a few calories.

You spend SO much goddamned money on delivery, when actually — Going out yourself is SO much better for you. It is obviously MUCH cheaper, but it’s also good to get out of the house even if only going to and from the car and into the store or restaurant or whatever, and it’s very VERY important to drive the car regularly, to keep the battery functional and the guts ok. ((Also RE: CARS — Next warm day, that Prius goes through an intense car wash. Need to get that shit out so it stops stinking, prob growing mold ugh ugh need fix!))

But I mean JUST THINK how much money you’d have left, maybe to even treat yourself to better things, and also if I stop ordering, I will 100% lose weight. So muck fucking weight lmao. And with a job, I’ve got two sources of income coming in! And hopefully still medicaid for as long as I can possibly have it 😭

This got REALLY away from my stoned assssss BUT. The original point is this:

I thought about myself as potentially being alive six years from now, which is very much not what I see lately but which, for once, didn’t automatically sound like a punishment, and I thought of myself six years older and wondering if I might be better enough to be an ok caregiver and also have a relationship that could sustain children coming in, and I was able to and did have one?? That’s SO bananas to me lol. It made me feel... weirdly hopeful though.

#stonerthoughts #soliloquy #depression #mentalillness #dead parents club #orphan #codependent relationships #dysfunctional family #suicidal ideation #ramblings

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a-woman-apart · 5 years

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On To the Next Thing

I’ve been making voice diaries for about a week now. They are used so that I can vent aloud and chronicle my mood in a more tangible way. If am simply writing or typing, I have more time to censor my emotions and think through what I’m about to write. My voice diaries are spontaneous word vomit. I think each method has its merits, but in the very least, this at least helps me to experience what I sound like to others.

Two things stand out for me so far:

1. I have a penchant for being incredibly self-critical (go figure)

2. My anxieties consist of a vast number of existential worries that are always bubbling underneath the surface

Long-time readers of my blogs are probably yawning in boredom right about now, but again, it is different for me to read what I’m thinking than to actual hear it with my ears. Hearing how insecure I am in audio form helps give me a deeper realization about how worry, tension, and low self-worth play a role in every action that I take. Let us not be given to hyperbole right now. I don’t think I’m “the worst person who ever lived.” I do not think I am utterly devoid of merit. I am, however, constantly chasing a feeling of contentment that I wonder if I’ll ever be able to hold on to. Sure, when I do well, I semi-congratulate myself and revel in an opportunity to rest on my laurels. That sentiment has hardly ever lasted more than a month. One minute, I can literally be playing “I’m Walking on Sunshine” and practically bouncing to my car because I have successfully completed finals, to frantically checking for information about my next classes the next.

On to the next thing / I’m searching / For something that’s missing…

I don’t know if the goal should be to make the good feels of accomplishing things last longer. I think that I already know that I should be less dependent on those temporary bursts of satisfaction to sustain my happiness. Cognitively, I know that my self-worth is not tied to my productivity. I know that working hard to be a “success” in the capitalist machine is not the thing that my value as a human being is dependent on. I can’t seem to get that knowledge from my head to my heart. Breathing in and out in the knowledge that I am enough seems impossible.

Reading an article in my physical education course about how maintaining my health is a “social responsibility” drove home the fact that our society believes that being healthy and productive is a duty, rather than a privilege. I don’t owe it to anyone—except myself—to be happy and healthy. You don’t get to tell me that being sick is a waste of your time and resources. You don’t get to preach to me about being a “burden to society.” I don’t often quote the Bible anymore, but here we go:

“We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” -Romans 15:1

How’s that for a Biblical support of single-payer health care? ::winkwinknudgenudge::

I won’t always need to be on disability, but for now I need it, and it’s here for me. It should be like that for everyone who needs it. I require support, but I also support other people. I believe in working towards the common good. Needing help doesn’t make me weak. We all have something to contribute. I believe that knowing that my value is intrinsic, as opposed to based on all the things I can accomplish, is the next step in me being a happy, healthy, balanced individual.

Now, we get to the worry. I found this video on Generalized Anxiety Disorder that I related to so much. I showed it to my therapist and we discussed it. Even though I do have times that I am like Sally—and have a healthy relationship with anxiety— I find that most of the time I am like Nikki. Even though there are some things I do to fight my anxiety, like accepting invitations to outings that are difficult for me to attend, the anxiety is still there. It is pervasive and all-encompassing. My therapist said,

“I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live like Nikki.”

My therapist emphasized the importance of support for someone like Nikki, i.e., someone like me. I am glad that I mostly have the support that I need. My therapist did say that in order to receive a diagnosis or a change of medicine I did have to talk to my psychiatrist. I will be seeing him this Friday, and I am nervous, because psychiatrists are like “Okay, just take X” without taking into account the fact that anxiety can make us hesitant to try new things if we are not offered an adequate explanation.

For example, when I tentatively expressed my anxiety issues to my psychiatrist, he recommended Gabapentin for if I had an episode of anxiety. I only opened the bottle once to see what the pills looked like, then never opened it again. I wanted to take it before my presentations at school, but having never taken it before, I was afraid that it might make me flat, spacey, or “out of it.” I was afraid that I would be too doped up to drive home. In other words, as my boyfriend put it, I was, “too anxious to take my anxiety medication.”

While it is true that I should’ve asked my doctor about my concerns, it was also up to him to volunteer some information and invite me to do so. My doctor is a little bit better about this, but often prescriber appointments are rushed through and the time is filled with the provider asking closed questions (as opposed to open-ended questions) and very little time is spent actively listening to the patient. This is because there are not enough prescribers for patients at clinics that are geared to lower-wage individuals like me. I don’t want the prescriber to just prescribe random medication; I want to discuss possible side effects and know what kinds of people this medication has worked for.

I am already taking two medications to deal with anxiety and depression, and I am very iffy about adding a third or increasing the dosage. A prescriber I saw when my prescriber was out did provide some unexpected, helpful feedback. She told me that since I was coming off the antipsychotic Invega and taking a low dose of the atypical antipsychotic Abilify, that I should watch out for anger, frustration, or hallucinations. She said that if I started to become angry, I should talk to someone immediately. While I haven’t been exploding with rage, my irritability has been heightened.

Truthfully, all my emotions have been heightened, and that might not necessarily be a bad thing. It feels good to be able to cry when I’m sad and laugh with genuine delight when I feel happy. I think my previous medication made me a little muted. The key may not be to turn everything back down, but rather to learn to deal with everything more constructively. Learning mindfulness and breathing exercises is really frustrating; I feel like I have to be constantly occupied so learning to slow down and try to “ground” myself feels like some hot garbage. I feel like I am constantly on edge and being told to “calm down” is beyond irritating.

I need to learn to embrace the person that I am even with all my faults. I am not going to learn to manage my anxiety by beating myself up every time that it gets the best of me. I am not going to gain self-esteem by being angry that mine is based primarily on my achievements. I am not going to learn to temper my pessimism by putting on false optimism. The world is an awful place and that is fact, damn it! (A/N: I am mostly kidding. We’re all going to die from climate change, but at least for now we have ice cream and puppies.) Changing requires patience and discipline. I’ve already started making healthier choices regarding my diet and exercise, but I couldn’t have made these changes in a vacuum. I needed the right motivation to start and now I’m on a roll.

Self-contempt is never going to propel me— or you— into a better future. I often forget that simple advice; “Treat yourself like you would a trusted friend.” I think if more of us did that, we would all be better off.

#there's gotta be more to life #i will never stop quoting that song #pessimistic optimist #defensive pessimist #INFJ #schizoaffective bipolar type #generalized anxiety disorder #anxiety #feeling ALL the feels #the struggle is real #when you feel too much #self-esteem #self-love #self-worth #imposter syndrome #achievement exhaustion #destroy capitalism #self-care

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mooneec · 5 years

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Fatherless Daughters: How Growing up Without a Dad Affects Women

Growing Up Without a Dad Shapes Who You Are

It took six decades, but I can finally utter a huge truth that caused me tremendous shame and sadness: My father didn't love me. I never spoke that deep, dark secret, but it was always festering inside of me. It manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with a food obsession, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.

Whether a dad was present but rejecting like mine or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence leaves an indelible mark on a daughter's psyche as she grows into adulthood. What does the research say about woman who grew up with fathers who didn't love them—daughters who were never daddy's little girl?

Below, you'll find six ways a daughter may be affected by an uninvolved dad.

Fathers provide their daughters with a masculine example. They teach their children about respect and boundaries and help put daughters at ease with other men throughout their lives. [...] So if she didn't grow up with a proper example, she will have less insight and she'll be more likely to go for a man that will replicate the abandonment of her father.

— Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist in Oakland, CA

1. Fatherless Daughters Have Self-Esteem Issues

According to Deborah Moskovitch, an author and divorce consultant, kids often blame themselves when dad leaves the home and becomes less involved in their lives. When they aren't given an explanation about why dad left, they make up their own scenario and jump to the conclusion that it's their fault and that they're unlovable.

This is especially true for daughters. Countless studies have shown that fatherlessness has an extremely negative impact on daughters' self esteem. Her confidence in her own abilities and value as a human being can be greatly diminished if her father isn't there. Academically, personally, professionally, physically, socially, and romantically, a woman's self esteem is diminished in every setting if she did not form a healthy relationship with her father.

As a child, I watched television shows like The Brady Bunch and Happy Days in which the fathers showered their daughters with tremendous amounts of attention and affection. Because I never got that from my dad, I convinced myself it was because I wasn't cute enough. I thought if I had blond hair and talked with a lisp like Cindy Brady I would then have my dad's devotion. I hated the way I looked because I thought it caused my father's disinterest in me. As I got older, my self-esteem plummeted and I was sure no man would ever find me attractive.

2. Daughters With Absent Fathers Struggle to Build and Maintain Relationships

According to Pamela Thomas, author of Fatherless Daughters (a book that examines how women cope with the loss of a father via death or divorce), women who grew up with absent dads find it difficult to form lasting relationships. Because they were scarred by their dad's rejection of them, they don't want to risk getting hurt again. Consciously or unconsciously, they avoid getting close to people. They may form superficial relationships in which they reveal little of themselves and put very little effort into getting to know others. They may become promiscuous as a way of getting male attention without becoming too emotionally involved.

Ever since childhood, I've built walls around myself. I didn't open up to people. I didn't ask questions about their families, jobs, or hobbies. I kept my life private, and I remained socially isolated. These were all self-protective measures so I wouldn't experience rejection like I did with my dad. Knowing this intellectually did nothing to help me change my behavior because my fear of rejection was more powerful than my desire to make connections.

3. Women With Absent Fathers Are More Likely to Have Eating Disorders

In their book The Parent's Guide to Eating Disorders, the authors Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto write eloquently about the fact that girls with physically or emotionally absent fathers are at greater risk of developing eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge-eating, body dysmorphia, unhealthy preoccupations with food or body weight, and other eating disorders are all more likely if a girl does not have a father figure as she's growing up. Daughters without dads are also twice as likely to be obese. Because her longing to have a close relationship with her dad is denied, she may develop what Margo Maine (author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, & Food) calls “father hunger,” a deep emptiness and a profound insecurity. Daughters are left wondering: What's so wrong with me that my own father doesn't love me? If I looked different—if I was thin—would I earn daddy's love?

I've struggled with "father hunger" throughout my life—stuffing my face to fill the void, dieting to get model-thin, and always obsessing about food. My days have been filled with thoughts of eating—either doing it or struggling mightily not to. When I accepted that my dad didn't love me and that he was an unhappy man with deep-rooted problems, I finally started eating normally and began maintaining a healthy weight. I began treating myself in a loving way by exercising, gardening, reading, walking in the woods, and spending time with family. For the first time in my life, I only thought about food when I was truly hungry. This freed me to enjoy my life in so many wonderful ways.

4. Daughters of Absent Fathers Are More Prone to Depression

Not surprisingly, girls who grew up with dads who were emotionally or physically absent are more likely to struggle with depression as adults. Because they fear abandonment and rejection, these women often isolate themselves emotionally. They avoid healthy romantic relationships because they don't feel deserving and fear getting hurt, but they might jump into unhealthy relationships that ultimately lead to heartbreak. In either scenario, the women are in emotional peril and frequently become depressed. If they don't deal with the cause of their sadness—an absent dad—they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men.

To top it all off, data suggests that children without fathers are more than twice as likely to commit suicide.

According to Denna Babul and Karin Louise, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, it's helpful to simply realize that we're not alone. In fact, one in three women see themselves as fatherless and struggle with feelings of abandonment. Knowing this fact helps us see that there's a whole sisterhood out there who share a common pain and a need to connect. When we open up and share our journey, we help both ourselves and each other. Whether we feel the loss of a dad through death, divorce, drug addiction, estrangement, or emotional neglect, we must grieve in order to move forward. Read Five Steps to Heal Her Pain: How a Fatherless Daughter Can Move On From Her Dad's Rejection for ideas on how to avoid falling into depression. A gifted therapist can be key to helping us do just that and becoming happier people.

5. Dadless Daughters Are More Likely to Become Sexually Active Earlier

Studies have shown the many benefits that come from a strong father-daughter bond. Most notably, girls who are close to their dads are less likely to get pregnant as teens. They delay engaging in sexual relationships, wait longer to get married and have children, and when they do find a husband, their marriages are more emotionally satisfying, stable, and long-lasting.

Countless studies also show that women who have unstable or absent paternal relationships are more likely to start having sex earlier and engage risky sexual behaviors. Daughters are four times more likely to get pregnant as a teen if dad isn't in the picture. Studies show that more than 70% of unplanned teenage pregnancies occur in homes where there is no father.

My older sister (who, like me, did not have a relationship with our father) met her future husband when she was just 18 and married him when she turned 22, straight out of college. He was the only guy she ever dated. Without a doubt, she was looking for the love and validation she never got from our dad. She was looking for an alternative to a man who never said "I love you" or "you're pretty" and never gave the unconditional acceptance one craves from a parent. Although she is still married, her union has been a difficult one, and she discourages her own daughters from marrying young.

6. Abandoned Daughters Are Susceptible to Addiction

As with depression, eating disorders, and low self esteem, the absence of a father can trap a daughter in a negative repetitive pattern she can't easily break out of and turn to drugs to self-medicate and help numb the pain. She is more likely to find herself trapped in a cycle of substance abuse, for example. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Not only are kids in father-absent households about four times more likely to be poor (which can trigger many negative cycles), fatherless adolescents were found to be 69% more likely to use drugs and 76% more likely to commit crimes.

Can a Daughter Survive Without a Father?

Try as I might, I was never been able to get any traction, always making a mess of this or that and never able to form long-lasting friendships. I rejected happiness because I never felt worthy of it. I did so much to sabotage my life and make myself miserable.

Then last year my older sister revealed to me that she, too, had felt unloved by him. I immediately felt enormous relief and then great euphoria. I realized it had never been about me—that I was bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving. It had always been about him—his unhappy childhood, his cold mother, his negative nature, and his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. It had never been about me...never.

I could finally shout: “You were a piece of crap and now I'm done with you! I'm not your prisoner any more!"

According to Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist, to recover from a father's abandonment, a woman "must learn how to father herself, hold herself, and receive the type of love a father provides. It is a lifelong process, but with the proper support, tools, and patience, it is totally possible. That being said, the grief and pain never goes away, it just changes."

A daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn't her, it's him. This is the first step toward healing.

#McKenna Meyers #fatherless #fatherless daughter #fatherless daughters #fatherless kid #fatherless kids #father hunger #father

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animalcrossingtownlore · 6 years

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Trial Captain Headcanons

ah. fuckin hell. i made this a few days ago but my dad walked in and said he needed to use my computer and i freaked the fuck out so i had to delete my history in 0000.1 seconds. um. not sure how seconds work.

llima:

- THIS boi is rich af. but sometimes he forces his parents to donate some of their money to some random charity at least every few weeks because he wants to have a good reputation. he is a trial captain, after all.

- is kind of a clean freak, and hates germs. so whenever he comes into the classroom, and a bunch of tiny germy disgusting toddlers crowd around his legs trying to get his attention he cringes deeply. never says anything tho.

- in the anime, its canon that he has fangirls. that should be canon in every version of llima tbh. but!!! consider this!!!! a GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and PROUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD llima!!!

- its canon that he’s been to kalos before, so i imagine that llima fucking LOVES kalos. like, he really REALLY loves kalos. he feels emotionally connected to that place. that’s the region he’s moving to when he gets older. no exceptions

- visits all of the different islands of alola to check in on everybody. he tries to be nice like that. llima is a good neighbor. but let me tell you---

- surprise surprise children. llima. he makes mistakes too. and whenever he does make a mistake he cringes again.

- honestly? i like to think that llima tries his best to act nice and shit, but really he’s hiding a more rude interior inside him. do u even know who llima is? hes a little sassy. but also a little TOO perfect. i think he’s hiding something tbh.

Lana:

- is super best friends with mallow. they live in konikoni city together, so they’ve been friends since they were toddlers. and i mean. best best friends! they have sleepovers literally almost every day.

- lana is the second shortest trial captain. she used to feel a little insecure about being short.... until she saw wittle babby sophocles.

- so in ultra pokemon sun/moon, there were wishiwashi... but instead a shitty araquanid came out of nowhere. what if lana had actually no idea that would even happen. it just happened randomly. and she went with it. wow. that’s lana for you!

- LET’S BE HONEST. LANA IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT EVER. SHE IS THE MOST CLEVER AND CUNNING BITCH. LANA KNOWS ALL OF THE TRICKS/PRANKS. IF FACT, SHE HAS PRANKED ALL OF THE TRIAL CAPTAINS, THE KAHUNAS, AND RANDOM TOURISTS IN ALOLA. NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE PRANKSTER IS. THERE IS A FUCKING WANTED WARRANT FOR THE PRANKSTER. THIS GIRL IS WANTED AND SHE FUCKING LOVES IT---

-even so, lana is the best big sister. her little twin sisters, harper and sarah, love her. for good reason, too. she takes care of them all the time and takes them everywhere.

- so in the english anime she has a super soft and sweet voice. ummmmm.... no bitches. lana has a kinda deep/somewhat dead inside voice that’s somehow calming. punch me. i won’t stop talking about this.

- takes morning swims, evening swims, mid-afternoon swims, midnight swims, has days where she just swims and fishes and that’s all she does.

Kiawe:

- In the anime kiawe has a little sister. And he IS protective of her. He IS a good brother. Omg. imagine kiawe seeing his little sister play with one of his fire-type pokemon, and he’s low-key scared the pokemon will burn her to ashes. Poor bby

- prefers dancing over any exercise ever, that’s a fact! but!!!! Kiawe plays “just dance” and he gets a perfect score ever gotdamn time i swear he does and he gets the best workout from it.

- What if kiawe is somewhat scared of lana because of her awesome as shit water types. Oh no. he knows he could never win-

- Y’know the hiker bitch??? Yeah him and kiawe are good friends. I can see them hanging out together. Like what if hiker bitch is lonely and kiawe is lonely too. So they are best friends. (but guys, you notice how lana and mallow live in one city? But kiawe is just in paniola town alone? There’s probs not many people in paniola town tbh)

- Kiawe is a dork and uses thousands of hair gel bottles to get his hair lookin so good.

- So you see those teeth on his necklace? they’re teeth from charizard. a charizard willingly gave kiawe some teeth so he could have a badass af necklace. Kiawe is good with pokemon especially big and dangerous ones

- Really loves those moments where he hangs out with the other trial captains, he loves the meetings. He has gone to every. Single. Meeting. Not even shitting you right now he has. It’s also because he’s responsible and shit

Mallow:

- DID YOU GUYS SEE THE ALOLAN BROCK EPISODE. I HAVE. MALLOW LOVES HER BROTHER BUT AT THE SAME TIME WISHES THAT HE WOULD GET A FUCKING LIFE ALREADY. AT LEAST IN HER MIND

- So! I feel like mallow really likes both the pokemon tsareena and the pokemon lurantis. She loves them both. I know in the anime she has a steenee, and in the games she gets a tsareena, so yeah its canon i guess. But you know what??? She loves lurantis as well, she knows it’s badass and she likes it as the totem pokemon.

- Loves trying all different hairstyles and she has a new hairstyle every day. Idfk if we never see it in the anime or the games or anywhere else. If i canon it its true bitches im a the fucking god of pokemon u assholes

- Has always had a taste for exotic flavors. As even a smol babby, she didn’t like “normal” food. It was bland to her. All of it was bland. So she made her picky tastes into food!!!

- …. Not everybody likes her food though. Right now she hasn’t learned to actually take criticism. She blocks it out whenever someone tries to criticize her food. She’ll learn when she’s older.

- Is kind of indecisive. She has trouble making decisions sometimes. “Hhmmm!!! Should i go to today’s meeting or not??? Well, gotta be responsible!!! Oh wait a sec! WHAT IF?? I JUST DIDNT GO? UH-”

- Her most big decision she will never fully decide on? Well, the question that i even ask myself everyday! Are boys cute… or are girls CUTER?! (yeah she will never decide on her sexuality)

Sophocles: (okay but i really like sophocles and i think if he existed me and him would be like best buds tbh)

- Okay, so i saw a headcanon on tumblr talking about how sophocles could possibly be autistic, because he’s extremely smart but can’t talk with people without having some kind of anxiety, and i think that might actually make sense! It’s obvious he has some kind of anxiety disorder or something, but i cant say whether he’s autistic or just anxious, since i haven’t done much research on autism. But! I hear it’s actually a very interesting subject, so maybe after some research i’ll make some headcanons on autistic! sophocles.

- Has always loved video games, and molayne was probably the one who got him into them.

- Not sure how to feel about his body. Like he knows he’s short and pale and he looks like a fucking baby. A lot of rude people have probably pointed it out to them before (most likely on the internet, or even ON FESTIVAL PLAZA THAT PLACE IS NOT FOR CHILDREN) and he hates it, but molayne (the pure man) has told him that being short has a lot of advantages and he actually looks a little cute with his baby face.

- togedemaru (togemaru) helps sophocles with his anxiety by letting sophocles pet him whenever he’s anxious and needs to calm down. Molayne was the one who got sophocles that pokemon in case molayne wasn’t around and sophocles had a panic attack and needed comfort

- He does love his food he’ll admit. (yes i like the anime shut up) he also loves mallow’s food!!! And her restaurant!!! And he goes there all the time. It’s like… his favorite place. Sometimes he stress eats but he tries not to do that ( t r i e s )

- He likes fidget spinners bitches and YOU CANT DO SHIT ABOUT IT

- He has a tumblr account. And nobody knows about but him. He posts memes on there and is shameless about it. kick me in the stomach nothing is changing my mind about this

Acerola:

- So yeah, she’s got parents. But she likes hanging out with uncle nanu more. Why? Because she knows he has too much alone time for himself and she knows it’s not healthy to be alone too much. ALSO SHE LOVES CATS AND NANU HAS PLENTY OF THOSE FURBALLS

- Speaking of uncle nanu, he was the one who taught her how to be such a good pokemon trainer. (she’s in the league for goodness sakes) nanu genuinely loves her. He’s never told her that, but acerola knows she’s charming <3

- Also she loves candles. they are spoopy. She likes spoopy purple candles yep

- Is really good friends with sophocles!! She’s surprisingly good with panic attacks and in their conversations she usually does the talking, much to sophocles relief.

- Can sew like a boss. Yes!!! She made her own dress!!! Well i mean… she doesn’t have many materials to work with. she only uses shitty rags or old clothes but still pulls it off. she is fabulous isn’t she

- The reason why she uses the thrifty megamart as her trial site? So she can steal the plushies they have there. I mean the plushies are old… but acerola isnt picky.

- Has a mimikyu for a pet but never uses it for battle

Mina:

- Has 100% dyed her hair before. Like imagine mina’s hair changing every few days and nobody notices beccause they’re used to it

- Art and pokemon battling aren’t her ONLY hobbies. I mean. Uh. wait lemme rethink this-

- She’s not the sterotypical depressed artist. She’s the sterotypical type of artist who doesn’t like their art most of the time but thinks everybody else’s art is amazing and deserves to be in a museum

- Her and hapu? Friends for life, man. There’s not too many people on poni island. Sometimes it can seem like NOBODY is on that island… like a ghost town tbh. Much less kids. Hapu and mina are most likely the only youngsters on poni island so they had to bond pretty quickly.

- She IS friends with llima tho, since llima likes to visit all the islands on alola they see each other sometimes. they probs dated for a while before llima discovered he was gay.

- Has paint on her clothes, her shoes, her bed, her room in general, her bag, her pokeballs, her pokemon-

- Has only gone to like… one trial captain meeting. Has never been to another one in her life. And she never will.

Dear god. I’ve been working on this for almost a fucking week. Something is wrong with me.

I think

I think i might be tRYING TO MAKE ACTUALLY GOOD HEADCANONS OH NO-

#pokemon #pokemon headcanons #pokemon sun #pokemon moon #pokemon sun and moon #llima #lana #kiawe #mallow #sophocles #acerola #mina

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leigh-kelly · 7 years

Text

#Hospital!au #brittana

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cbdhn-blog · 5 years

Text

The Pros and Cons of CBD and the Parents Who Use It

Paul started taking CBD to be a better father. The New Jersey dad of two's high-pressure, high-rewards job was taking a toll. Work days left him feeling depleted and on edge. He'd get home wired and checked out, feeling like it was impossible to be patient with his boys.

“You go from one job to the next,” he said. “You go to work all day and come home to a five and a seven year old and they were at their job all day - school - and now they want to turn it up and rage.”

Paul hoped the hemp-derived product, which is said to reduce anxiety, would help him find the peace of mind he needed to be present in those moments of high-energy family time. So, on a work trip, he ducked into a store with a tie-dye banner and walked out with $40 worth of CBD gummies.

A few months later, he says he's noticed modest gains. He brings less work stress homeand stops channeling that anxiety onto his children. “I feel less inclined to give as many fucks about what they are doing and not helicopter dad as much,” he said. “I try to go with the flow.”

The hemp extract Cannabidiol, or CBD, is everywhere these days. You can find CBD-infused versions of candies, lattes, beer, bath bombs, lotions, lubes, and pretty much every product you can think of. These items aren't sitting past the beaded curtain in head shops, either. They're available online, at corner stores, and high-end boutiques. CBD will only become more ever-present. According to the cannabis industry analysis company New Frontier, the CBD market is expected to grow by 700 percent into a $2 billion industry by 2022.

These numbers are easy to understand. CBD supposedly aids sleep, relieves pain, and reduces stress. The plant-based compound also isn't habit forming and low-key enough to take around family or kids. It's becoming more and more of an option for those who want to de-stress or at the least not let their anxieties rub off on their loved ones. It's no surprise then that parents are among the most avid consumers. Hell, the only way to tailor CBD more to modern dads is to include a Beastie Boys playlist and tips for fantasy football with every purchase. But is it worth the hype?

***

Researchers have been aware of Cannabidiol since the late 18th century when it was the first of the more than 60 natural cannabinoid compounds. Scientists were able to synthesize it as early as the mid '60s. Like all cannabinoids, CBD is derived from hemp plant resins. Unlike its more famous fellow marijuana-derived chemical compound Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), however, CBD doesn't get you stoned. Instead, it has a calming effect.

While CBD has been used to help fight seizures and chronic pain, it's the anxiety-battling properties and lack of brain-fog that have become its big, bold selling point. A 2013 study found evidence that CBD alleviates anxiety by increasing prefrontal cortex activation and lowering activity in the amygdala, the two areas of the brain involved in anxiety while activating CB1 receptors to restore balance to GABA and glutamate levels, further reducing anxiety. THC also binds with CB1 receptors, but activates the brain's dopamine reward system while also interfering with brain mechanisms that regulate mood, memory, appetite, pain, cognition, and emotions.

Hell, the only way to tailor CBD more to modern dads is to include a Beastie Boys playlist and tips for fantasy football with every purchase.

“If THC is the Beyonce of cannabinoids, then CBD is the Adele,” Pittsburgh functional medicine practitioner Will Cole said. “Both you are your grandma will love it as CBD oil doesn't contain the same cannabinoids that are considered psychoactive.”

CBD does have it's concerns, however. Longstanding prohibitions on studying marijuana have only loosened recently and not entirely. For example, researchers can only study marijuana grown at the University of Mississippi, which grows marijuana under contract with the National Institute on Drug Abuse. With restrictions hampering research into hemp products overall and CBD being relatively new, researchers, while armed with convincing theories, don't yet know exactly how it operates in the brain and body.

Then there's also the issue of legality. CBD is available in most parts of the United States, but its legal status is somewhat murky. States have varying degrees of restriction. In the 10 states with legal marijuana, CBD is legal as well. Some states, like New York, allow commercial sales. Alabama, however restricts CBD use to medical purposes only. Georgia, meanwhile, only permits it to be prescribed to people with conditions such as cancer, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson's disease, and seizure disorders.

The farm bill released by the FDA in December legalized non-THC hemp products across the board. While that should include CBD, some legal experts suggest that it may not. Nonetheless, the bill should be good news for CBD users, as it permits states to decide on laws about CBD sales and it differentiates hemp-derived products from marijuana and therefore removes CBD from the DEA's list of controlled substances.

Despite some gray areas, CBD has crossed some hurdles. A World Health Organization report on CBD determined it was safe when taken on its own but suggested that problems could arise when CBD is taken with other drugs.

“If THC is the Beyonce of cannabinoids, then CBD is the Adele.”

Dr. Rachna Patel, a medical cannabis specialist and a leading expert on CBD, added that, while CBD isn't addictive or life-threatening, moderation is key. “If you take it too often [for pain relief] it's going to make your pain worse, believe it or not,” she said. Like other cannabinoids, CBD has a biphasic effect, meaning low and high doses can produce opposite results. And while someone can't overdose from CBD, taking too much leads to a bad time.

“You could feel dizzy. You could feel really groggy, you could feel really lethargic,” she said. “You're just not going to overall feel good.”

Still, by all measures, CBD seems like it was synthesized precisely for our high-stress, burn out-prone times. In fact, there's some persuasive evidence that use is high among those with kids. Dr. Patel, for instance, has found that while CBD cuts across ages, it peaks with people between 40 and 60.

“That's when humans in general start to experience a lot of pain,” Patel said. “Their body is starting to wear down on them.”

Knowing all this, why wouldn't stressed-out parents want to give CBD a try?

***

While CBD sounds ideal for dads in theory, in practice the results seem mixed. The CBD-users with whom I spoke were reserved in their praise. Still, the consensus wasn't dismissive - the phrase “it's worth a shot” appeared just as often.

Sean, a father of one from Chicago bought a pack of CBD gummies after a friend recommended them. He enjoys the effect and says he likes the idea of popping one after a particularly long day at the office. “I wouldn't say that it's a major change; it just settles me a bit. It's nice to feel that calm and be in a good headspace for my family when I had a bad day,” he says. “It's easy to bring that stress home.”

Sean added that, around his family, he feels more comfortable popping one than he does drinking a few beers. “There's something more PG about it,” he says. “Either way, it's an occasional thing.” (Sean was quick to add that he keeps his gummies in the locked glove compartment of his car so his toddler won't accidentally stumble upon them.)

“It's kind of the equivalent of drinking non-alcoholic beer without knowing it's not alcoholic,”

For some dads, however, CBD's effect is too close to that of THC. Tom, a father of two from Jersey, tried CBD when he sprained his back. While it didn't help his pain, as a regular marijuana user, it reminded him enough of smoking pot to be a disappointing and confusing tease.

“It's kind of the equivalent of drinking non-alcoholic beer without knowing it's not alcoholic,” he said. “It's not alcoholic but there's this weird psychological effect that [makes you think] you'd feel stoned even though there's nothing.”

CBD, then, may be a little counter-intuitive for anybody who first smoked marijuana after being promised it would blow their mind. That's why so many tried marijuana in the first place. If CBD doesn't induce giggling fits or make music seem transcendently face-melting, what's the point?

But many dads taking CBD aren't looking to get high. They know what marijuana's like and have generally positive feelings about it. They're looking for calm or relief from pain.

Dan, a dad of two from California, said his local coffee joint serves a cold brew with CBD. “It's a pretty good way to get hyper and de-stressed at the same time,” he said. “Wouldn't say it's life changing exactly, but it does seem good for anxiety and a bit of calm.”

Dan said he felt the advertised calm of CBD but added that “honestly it's hard to sort out whether it's a placebo or not.”

“Alarmingly, a number of CBD products have contained toxic substances like the synthetic marijuana Spice and dextromethorphan, the ingredient in Robitussin that causes “robo tripping.”

Chris, a New York City father of two, is a long-time CBD user. He searched out the substance several years ago after a health food store employee recommended it for his sciatica back pain.

“I wanted to feel relaxed and get my muscles to relax,” Chris said. “I didn't necessarily need to be stoned. I didn't need the euphoria necessarily. I just needed the sedation.”

CBD didn't cure his back pain but it made it far more bearable. As it did so, it also turned down the volume on his anxiety.

“I was like, Wow, okay,” he said. “I'm sedated a little bit. It's not like I'm taking a valium, but I certainly feel the edge has been taken off.”

Despite his positive experience, Chris said it's not a cure for pain, but rather a tool for managing it. Dr. Patel said this was typical for people who treat pain with CBD.

“If you're in severe pain, don't expect the CBD oil to just poof, and magically get rid of it overnight,” she said. “It'll drop down realistically, mild to moderate levels.”

***

It's a common concern to try CBD and find it doesn't do anything at all. I don't have to travel far for an example. My personal CBD experience was underwhelming. I bought a vial of oil from a smoke shop to help my lower back pain. It didn't have an effect and I ended up turning instead to my usual regimen of bourbon, heat pads, and Aleve.

When I told Dr. Patel CBD didn't work for me, she suggested that the product I took may not have contained CBD at all. The FDA has only approved one CBD product for medical use, the epilepsy seizure drug Epidiolex. Otherwise, CBD is unregulated and unpredictable. A 2017 JAMA study tested 84 CBD products and found that only about a third of them accurately reflected the CBD it contained. The Food and Drug Administration has warned several CBD companies about mislabeling their products. Alarmingly, a number of CBD products have contained toxic substances like the synthetic marijuana Spice and dextromethorphan, the ingredient in Robitussin that causes “robo tripping.”

“I was like, Wow, okay. I'm sedated a little bit. It's not like I'm taking a valium, but I certainly feel the edge has been taken off.”

Of course, CBD products are an unregulated market with wild west rules. People have to be very discerning about what products they choose but there's scant information to go on. Chris said he quality controls by buying CBD products made from certified organic hemp. Patel said the best indicator for CBD quality is if the packaging states the product has been laboratory tested by a third-party, independent state-licensed lab. Otherwise, there's no guarantee that the ingredients of a CBD product aren't just something you already have in your kitchen.

“The amount of CBD can vary,” Patel said. “But it's important to know the exact amount because there have been some products that the FDA has found where they had little-to-no CBD in them. You don't want to be paying ridiculous amounts of money for a one-to-two ounce bottle of basically vegetable oil.”

Buyers definitely want the product to have some CBD, but getting more specific about dosage is elusive. There's no not a one size fits all correct dose. Effective dosages seem to vary from person to person, with bodyweight driving much of the variance.

Still, CBD offers a salve for some. After using it for three months, Paul bought into the CBD hype and would recommended it to dads trying to carve out some calm. He thought it was helping but suspected there might be a placebo effect at play, particularly when he considered the unscientific methodology he used for his CBD experiments.

“To be fair, most nights there is a cold eight-percent 16 oz craft IPA making its way into my dad bod as well,” he said.

via:

Adam Bulger Fatherly January 11, 2019 https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/cbd-pros-cons-anxiety-parents/

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elizaslegacy · 7 years

Text

it’s my problem that i never am happy

Period: Modern

Pairings: Lin x main character

Description: Eleni is a singer-songwriter with a lot of baggage, Lin is an aspiring playwright who falls in love far too easily. Their paths cross frequently and the following ensues. (Eleni’s life/music is pretty much based off of that of Marina & the Diamonds. I know that these songs have already been written and are not mine)

Word Count: 1, 876

Warning(s): cursing, mention of alcohol, mention of smoking, song about body dysmorphia/eating disorder/bad relationship/anxiety/OCD/nervous breakdown

A/N: Weird idea I had. We’ll see how this goes.

Songs mentioned (the versions I used):

Girls (Fast Car Version) (x)

Seventeen (x)

Obsessions (x)

Eleni climbed onto the small stage in the London dive bar, the chatter and laughter not ceasing at her appearance. The air in the pub was thick and hot, body heat and breath smelling of alcohol mingling in the dimly lit room. She tapped on the microphone to grab the attention of the bar’s patrons; a few people glanced up and acknowledged her presence, but most of the crowd paid no mine and continued talking and drinking. “Hi everyone, my name is Eleni,” she spoke cheerily into the microphone, huffing a bit when people continued to ignore her. “I’ll be singing a few songs for you all tonight. I hope you enjoy them.”

While scanning over the crowd and desperately looking for at least one interested face, Eleni had missed the intrigued gaze of one man who was sat at a table with his friends. The men chatted and laughed heartily, drinking pints after a long day at work, but the one abstained from the conversation to watch the stage. His eyes scanned over the performer, taking in her unique features. She wore a cropped cheerleading uniform on top, with leopard print tights and leather shorts hugging her wide hips. A sweater, the hood of which resembling some sort of animal, was draped over her shoulders. Purple velvet stilettos made her toned, long legs look simply mouthwatering. His eyes moved up to her face. Messy black hair framed her face; her features were dark and striking - thick and defined eyebrows, sharp cheekbones, tan skin, and expressive eyes. He was utterly drawn in by the woman on stage, something about her made it impossible to look away. She had uttered less than 20 words and he already wanted to know everything he could about her.

Elena briefly turned to her band and nodded; the infectious sound of the Greek lavouto started playing. Her hips began to bounce back and forth to the beat of the song, taking a deep breath before coming in on her cue. “Look like a girl but I think like a guy!” she sang somewhat quietly. Her confidence was a bit low due to the extreme lack of engagement from the people in the bar. “Girls are not meant to fight dirty,” she spat, flexing her arm muscles dramatically. The crowd began to pay attention as Eleni danced in her quirky manner. She looked strange, just bouncing around up and down as few people paid attention, but it dragged people in.

The man had continued to watch Eleni intently, smiling at her enthusiasm on stage. His eyes followed her around stage, observing as she pranced around. Her vocals never slipped no matter how much she moved. “I love your Botox! Bitch I’ll curtsey for you,” she screeched as she mimicked a curtsey. By the end of the song, the entire crowd had been drawn in by her elaborate dancing and unique vocals. Elena murmured a quick thank you into the microphone before the band began playing again. This time, an infectious, dark scale was played on the keyboard. “Used to be a major scale,” she sang in a low voice. “But the melody went stale.”

She continued through the song charismatically; the crowd went wild when she crowed, “Well, you don’t know fuck about my family.” A few more songs passed, and the man was still completely wrapped up in Eleni. His friends had begun to tease his relentless staring, howling that their little boy had a crush. Eventually, Eleni sat down at the piano. “Alright, so I apologize in advance because I can’t play the keyboard for shit,” she giggled in her heavy London accent. “But here is Obsessions. This song means tons to me, so I hope you all thoroughly enjoy it.” The bar quieted down and haunting notes rang out through the silence. “Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette,” Eleni sang quietly, her voice stained with emotion. “Last night’s love affair is looking vulnerable in my bed.” The bare production and the vulnerability of her voice showed the man a new side to Eleni that he hadn’t seen that night - a side that made him want to wrap her his his arms and assure her that nothing would be wrong ever again.

“Won’t you quit your crying? I can’t sleep,” she retorted, the tempo of the piano picking up a little bit. “One minute I’m your little sweetheart and next minute you are an absolute creep.” The whole bar was watching now, ceasing their conversations to listen to Eleni’s heartbreaking procession. “Supermarket, oh what packet of crackers to pick? They’re all the same, one brand one name,” she sang, the drums kicking in behind her. She then let out a strangled cry out, shocking the audience. “But really they’re not!” she wailed. He swore he could hear everyone in the bar’s hearts break simultaneously. Eleni launched into a painful recap of her inner monologue during this supermarket debacle. “Look, look, just choose something - quick! People are staring,” she hissed in a whispery tone. “Time to go, quicker, skin is on fire - just choose something, something, something.” Eleni’s eyes were trained down on the piano, her fingers moving quickly over the keys. Her voice was weighed with the pain of retelling this story; the entire room was focused on her.

“Next minute I am turning out of the door facing one week without any food,” she uttered; the man could feel his stomach churn. This woman was so divine and purely magnetic, how could she treat herself so terribly? “A day, a day when things, things are pretty bad,” Eleni continued with a twisted smile on her face. “But don’t let it make you feel sad, the crackers were probably bad luck anyway.” She continued to sing, the instrumental building in tension as the track went on. “We’ve got our obsessions,” she lamented. “I wanna erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.” Her voice broke slightly and her face contorted with pain, managing out the next lyrics. The song soon ended, and the entire room was left in absolute silence. After a few seconds, the man began to clap slowly. The rest of the bar joined in until the entire place was roaring with screams and whistles of approval. The brightest smile appeared on Eleni’s face; she lit up with pride as the audience applauded her.

Eleni performed a few more songs before bidding the crowd good night and thanking them for their wonderful attitude. She hopped off of the stage and immediately headed for the bar. She savored the first sip of her beer right as she felt a small tap on her shoulder. Facing her was a man a little bit taller than her, who had long, dark hair pulled into a ponytail. She didn’t know it, but it was the man who had been completely enamored with her all night. “Um, hi,” he managed out in an American accent. “I’m Lin. Your performance was absolutely incredible.” Eleni’s face lit up once again. “Oh, thank you so much! It means the world,” she gushed. Lin smiled back, opening his mouth to say something back, but failing to formulate a sentence. She looked at him with her brows furrowed. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” Lin cursed, rubbing his face roughly. “I’m being so awkward. You have no idea how long it took for me to work up the courage to talk to you. I’ve been battling with it for your whole set.”

That elicited a genuine laugh from Eleni. Lin felt his heart speed up at the sound. I wouldn’t mind hearing that more often, he thought. “You’re funny, Lin. Let me reassure you, though. I am nothing to get worked up over,” she giggled, still amused by his previous comment. “Are you kidding?” he inquired in disbelief. “You’re, I mean...look at you!” Lin was at a loss for words to describe the exquisite beauty he was now faced with. She giggled some more. “I’m just Eleni! Little singer with big dreams from Greece and Wales.”

Lin sat down with Eleni, and the two launched into effortless conversation. They discussed family, favorite colors, stories, and so much more. Lin was surprised by the dark nature of many of her answers, but she maintained a casual tone while speaking about her awful family life and rough past. “My father left when I was two,” Eleni offered nonchalantly. “I’m not the biggest fan of him, especially since I had to live with him in Athens.” She described how her father had fought for custody over her and won, forcing her to move to Greece and leave everything behind. She spoke about her sister, who now lived in Barcelona, or how she ran away, which is why she was in London at that moment. Lin simply watched and listened in awe, soaking up every possible detail he could.

The two of them talked their way through hours, only interrupted by Eleni checking her phone and realizing that it was 3 in the morning. “Oh god, it’s really late!” she exclaimed, and Lin began giggling. They both stumbled outside and braced themselves from the windy London streets. Lin hailed a cab and kissed Eleni on the cheek before saying goodbye. “I had a wonderful time with you, Lin,” she voiced warmly before climbing in the cab. It was only after the cabbie sped off with Eleni in tow that Lin realized they hadn’t exchanged numbers.

His heart plummeted in his chest, a frown working its way onto his features. Of course, he thought. Of fucking course. He had just met the world’s most exquisite and interesting girl, and he had no way to contact her. Lin began the walk to his hotel, his shoulders slumped defeatedly.

The next few days, he couldn’t stop thinking about Eleni. Glimpses of her flashed in his mind at work, distracting him from whatever he was doing. He recalled her stunning features and cursed himself for not getting her phone number. “Are you good Lin?” his coworkers would ask. He’d shrug and offer a forced smile. He searched the Internet for an Eleni based in London, which yielded no results. She was performing in some dive bar with no previous fanbase. She wouldn’t be anywhere Lin could find her.

Lin gradually began to think about Eleni less and less as the weeks flew by; her features began to fade from his memory. He was now totally focused on his work - a musical in the early stages. He was on the train from London, heading to Scotland for more writing inspiration, when he saw it. He had been searching for something to listen to on Spotify; he scrolled aimlessly through new releases. When he reached the bottom of the list, something caught his eye. The Family Jewels, Eleni and the Diamonds. Could it be? Lin quickly clicked on the album and observed the cover. It was a earthy, floral print with messy handwritten font. Right there in the middle was Eleni, casting a coy glance at the camera. His heart swelled so quickly Lin thought it might burst. He pressed play; the sharp violins of Are You Satisfied? began to play.

#lin manuel miranda #lin fic #chapter 1 #fic #lin manuel miranda fic #please let me know what you think

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saltyharmonypeace-blog · 6 years

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Elite Football Training.

While I enjoyed my reasonable share of mini golf programs growing up, I've never had any kind of true enthusiasm in the life-size version from the sport. REI: Placed # 8 on Fortune's list of 100 Finest Providers to Work for, the national outdoor sporting activities merchant isn't simply good to its own workers REI companions along with a bunch from non-profits throughout the country that are committed to ecological stewardship as well as volunteer-based ventures. Athletics triggering repetitive damage on particular component of your body-- including going swimming (shoulders), running (knees, ankle joints, and also feet), tennis (elbow joints). -- are actually typically overuse culprits, too. Right here are a handful of instances from low-impact activities and also sports that you need to be able to perform once you've recovered coming from your surgical operation. http://chansonsurlabeaute.info/expert-lift-iq-commentaires-de-lire-et-de-travailler-votre-prix/ , Melby CLIST, Camus H, Cianciulli M, Pitts J, Schmidt S, Hickey MS. Effect of resistance exercise, along with or without carb supplements, on blood ghrelin attentions and postexercise hunger and also meals consumption. It's absolutely concerning liberty coming from meals as well as capacity to look after oneself without abusing or withholding food. I shed 25 extra pounds, my high blood pressure lost TWENTY points on the top end and 4 on the bottom and also my blood sugar level lost FIFTY points to 114! And they are actually labelling their foods along with the degrees of protein, body fat, carbohydrate, sodium, sugar and electricity web content each serve as well as every 100 grams from food items - as required through regulation. I have actually found that when I eat MSG certainly not merely do I receive nervous responses as well as difficulty resting, but likewise lower leg as well as foot aches during the night that are actually in some cases devastatingly agonizing. When the upgrade has actually been discharged via Apple, you'll acquire reddish, yellow and also eco-friendly lightings accordinged to what does it cost? carbohydrate is in each meals. It can trigger that to occur if your food processor or even meals cpu heats up to a lot. Baseding on NPD Team, a marketing research organization, Fitbit was responsible for 68 per-cent of the full-body trackers sold in the year finishing Jan Permit's examine several of the misconceptions regarding sports field of expertise bolstered in athletic culture and also compare all of them with evidence-based research. I've been anti - sports alcoholic beverages for some time, but I had actually invested the whole moisture media hype. And research studies show that consuming meals facing the TELEVISION promotes people to eat even more calories, as well as especially extra calories from excess fat. They carry out not use a bikini for the health and fitness cycle but a snazzy ensemble that matches the genre of their opted for schedule. The advantages of a low-carb diet in sports are actually a lesser body fat mass (beneficial in many sporting activities) as well as a higher fat-burning capability combined with much higher endurance (especially practical when matches last longer compared to 1 hr). Ami Mackey is the Conservator from Creative Web content at Engine 2. She is likewise a food items trainer at Engine 2 and also has actually been plant-strong due to the fact that 2011. I think that the DNA FIt test is among the devices that an individual may make use of to optimize the lead to training as well as diet. At the Academy of Culinary Nourishment, our company aim to share the key usefulness of how meals and cooking skill-sets could enhance our wellness and the health and wellness from the globe. Toss everything in a blender as well as ... complete protein, effortlessly absorbed in to the body system, absolutely no pet by-products. I am a Scientific Fitness Consultant and also a Trauma Sensitive Personal Trainer with an interested rate of interest in the adhering to; - Carrying out guidelines of health and fitness and also mindfulness that can help people struggling with a variety of psychological health and wellness concerns like POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, Depression, Anxiousness, dependence and also stress and anxiety. I realize the method as an unfortunate element from these sporting activities (until weigh-in timing. is altered), so I 'd rather point those entailed towards methods that-- while absolutely still unsafe-- are much less very likely to lead to serious organ breakdown a la furosemide or even fatality typically. But I have to point out, I coincide Pavel, throw away the leg expansions and also bicep swirls. Considerably earlier, in the course of Scriptural times, or in early Greece, diet programs typically meant something comparable to fasting - limitations on food items consumption for ethical or spiritual, instead of health or clinical, reasons. The sport of powerlifting (PL) possesses an unethical photo of refrigerator-sized guys who faces turn red from blood pressure when they bend over to tie their shoes-- or aim to flex over and also acquire stopped by an enormous uni-ab". Slowly raise yourself up till the heel is off the ground, keeping the standing lower leg wonderfully right. Currently, imbalanced incentives seem to favor the continuous disintegration of justness in sporting activity. As activity sporting activities continuously gain mainstream acceptance, even more metropolitan areas are actually building skate playgrounds, supplying relatively more secure areas for numerous wheeled sporting activities aficionados to carry out their particular tasks. It possesses pair of tiers, a detachable divider as well as switches to heat when the food items prepares.

I have actually shredded 7.5 pounds the initial full week and also I can easily already match clothing I haven't been able to in a few years. I considerably prefer that you can easily develop your personal problem that will compete 30-40 moments, instead of needing to select and quit as well as receive little perks every 3 minutes like in wii fit. Listed here in Australia they have actually located that kids leave from organised sport at worrying fees as they hit adolescence - specifically females. I know Hippocrates said, Allow meals be thy medicine and also medication be thy meals," and back then that made sense when they didn't have a considerable amount of true medicines. These simply fit the most ideal for me and also the padding provides me considerable amounts of help as well as extra zest if you know just what I suggest. This proves out, as well as you need to consider other factors to perform with your friends that carry out certainly not make food the major emphasis. Even more, body-based eating a great means to go, but at times our body systems require the food regardless of whether our team don't believe that it. A fine example is the post-workout food. The skillset match is extra evident as well as the best to evaluate in the course of the choosing process.

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cbdhn-blog · 5 years

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The Pros and Cons of CBD and the Parents Who Use It