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nicoline1998enilocin · 5 months

Text

Where it all began

Pairing | Young!Tony Stark x Fem!Reader

Word count | 1.7K

Summary | Today's your first day at the new college since your transfer, and everything that could go wrong appears to be going wrong. When Tony comes to your rescue, you might have just gotten a glimpse into your future without knowing it at the time.

Rating | General (G)

Warning(s) | Use of nickname ~ Sunshine, love at first sight

Angst | References to panic and anxiety

A/n | This is written for @ccbsrmsf1, because you've helped me through a lot of tough times lately, and you deserve everything nice and amazing happening to you, so this little slice of heaven is for you! Thank you so much for proofreading and giving me this idea, it wouldn't be this amazing without your help! I love you 3000 🩵

A/n 2.0 | This is the first meeting of my favorite couple that I write for, our beloved Sunshine and Young!Tony during their college years! I love these two too pieces and I'm glad to have let you all in on a little backstory for these two, because they're so precious. Thank you all for your continuous love and support on my AU, I appreciate you all deeply 🩵

Banners: @vase-of-lilies | Divider: @firefly-graphics | GIF: @ccbsrmsf1

Main Masterlist | Tony Stark Masterlist | AU Masterlist

The alarm on your nightstand tells you it’s 7 AM when it goes off with a loud beeping noise, pulling you from your slumber instantly. You smack the machine once without having the desired effect, and with a groan, you sit up to turn it off effectively.

A sigh escapes your lips as you throw the comforter off yourself, and you get up, walking to the shower so you can wake yourself up. It’s an important day, and you can’t afford to be late for school since it’s your first day since transferring during summer vacation.

Once you reach the bathroom, you look at yourself in the mirror, and much to your surprise, you look better than you have in a while. The change of scenery is doing wonders for you, and taking a leap away from your old life has you feeling like you’re floating on air.

That doesn’t take away that you’re most definitely not a morning person, though, and with another sigh and a big yawn, you turn on the shower, ready to let the hot water engulf you so you can clear your head.

The shower is filled with steam within no time, and when you’ve slipped out of your sleepwear and underwear, you step into the shower, allowing the warm water to wash away every last worry before getting ready for school.

It’s still a little unreal that you are starting at a new school; halfway through your education, you had to make a switch, and today will be the first day at your new college in New York.

Your summer vacation consisted of moving into your dorm on campus, getting to know your roommate, Nat, and exploring the city and the bars near campus.

But now it’s time for the real deal, and you will have your very first day. Unfortunately, Nat isn’t here for your first day since she has a different schedule than you the first week, and you will have to get around campus alone. It’s a good thing you prepared.

When you’re done with your shower and feeling refreshed, it’s time to get dressed in a casual outfit, light make-up, hair in a loose ponytail, and the look is finished with your glasses. To ensure you won’t be late, you opt to leave your contacts at home, which turns out to be a wise decision.

The backpack you plan on taking to your classes is already packed and ready to go, so all that’s left is to eat breakfast which you also prepared the night before. It’s a simple smoothie bowl with some fresh fruit on the side, and you decide to catch up on your favorite series as you eat.

It isn’t until you glance at the clock on the wall that you suddenly notice it’s already 8:15 AM, and you need to hurry if you still want to get a coffee before your first class at 8:45 AM. Nat told you explicitly that you have to go early to ensure you’ll be on time, and you are going to cut it closer than you’d really like it to be.

So that’s when you hurry out the door, grabbing your keys and backpack, but your wallet is lying on the kitchen counter where you put it earlier so you couldn’t forget it. Well, it’s funny how that works out, right? You are practically running across campus to go to the coffee shop without your wallet but with a really big craving for iced coffee.

When you’re at the coffee shop, there’s already a long line of students and staff waiting all the way from the counter to the door, and you internally scold yourself for going out the door so late despite Nat’s warnings. She’s probably somewhere sipping on her iced coffee while I’m here, you think to yourself and let out a small sigh as you join the people in line.

You’ve been there for not even five minutes when the door behind you opens, and a small group of three guys almost falls into the coffee shop, nearly knocking you over in the process as you’re still the last in line.

They don’t seem to notice you as they’re too wrapped up in their own business, laughing loudly and causing all sorts of trouble, making it clear they’re best friends of each other. And deep inside, that’s something you’re longing for too. Sure, your roommate Nat is a nice person, and you’d consider her a friend, but nothing to that level.

The line is slowly moving, and the three guys are already calmer now, making you feel a little more at ease. It isn’t until you turn around again out of curiosity that you catch the eye of one of them, and you look into a beautiful pair of deep brown eyes, his face covered with glasses and a shy smile he gives you as he looks at you.

Never in his life has he seen someone so naturally beautiful, and he instantly feels himself being pulled towards you. Not in the literal sense, but in the sense that he wants to get to know you. His gaze is locked onto your eyes, and when a small blush creeps onto your cheeks after you’ve checked him out for a little too long, you finally tear your eyes away from him and back to the board above the counter.

It’s a first for the man behind you in line to have felt such an instant connection, and he already misses you despite the fact that you’re standing right in front of him. He misses your eyes, your kind smile, the little dimples in your cheeks. For him, it’s completely love at first sight. He wants you to be his, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to get you. Well… except for talking to you.

Your eyes are still trained on the board above the counter as you’re trying to decide if you want to get your usual order of an iced caramel macchiato or if you want to change it up for once. When it’s almost time to order, you glance at your phone for the time, and you notice you have less than 10 minutes left before your class, and the anxiety is really starting to settle in now.

“What can I get started for you today?” the barista behind the counter asks as it’s now your turn, and you opt to go for safe and order your usual.

“One large iced caramel macchiato, please, with extra caramel syrup,” you tell him, and after giving your name, he rings you up.

“That’ll be $4.95, please,” he tells you, and you’re searching your bag up and down for your wallet, but to no avail. Once you have checked every single pocket once, twice, and one more time again, the panic is truly settling in, and you can feel the tears burning behind your eyes, thinking about how you could possibly be so stupid as to forget your wallet.

“Oh my god, I’m so, SO sorry, but I forgot my wallet-” you try to tell the barista, but your breath is catching in your throat as the tears are threatening to spill over, and you could smack yourself for your own stupidity. You zip up your bag and start to turn around and head to your class when the man behind you in line steps in.

“Hey, it’s okay; it happens to the best of us. Let me get this for you, Sunshine,” the man says, and you’re trying to refuse, but he’s not having any of it.

“Just add my usual, and I will pay for this beautiful lady. We can’t let her go to class without a coffee now, can we?” he says with a charming smile, and your heart beats faster at the sight. He is truly the most beautiful man you have seen in a long time, and there is something about him that has you instantly feeling safe around him.

“Please, how can I repay you? I feel so stupid, and I really want to repay you for your kindness,” you tell him, and his answer honestly takes you off guard a little bit.

“How about you buy me one next time?” he says, full of confidence, and it makes your cheeks turn to a deep red color. You’re not used to someone being so confident and forward, and where you would usually think someone’s an absolutely arrogant ass when doing it, it somehow suits him.

“Sounds perfect,” you say, and before you know it, both your drinks are ready. You grab yours, and you walk over to him so you can thank him for paying.

“Thank you so much for the coffee…” you start, and you realize you didn’t catch his name.

“Tony! Uh, Tony Stark,” he tells you with that same shy smile again, and you can’t help but revel a little in the fact that you can bring him off his game just a little and bring out his shy side.

“Thank you for the coffee, Tony Stark,” you say, and you stand on your tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his cheek, letting it linger for just a second longer than absolutely necessary. With one last smile, you turned around and rushed to your class, and even though you were still late to said class, you didn’t mind anymore.

Tony is left with a lovestruck look on his face, his hand softly caressing the cheek where you just placed the kiss. His cheeks feel like they’re on fire, and his heart is currently going into overdrive. You’re barely out of the door, and he already misses you, and he can’t wait to see you again.

After your meeting with Tony, everything and anything is like you’re looking through rose-colored glasses, and Nat instantly notices something is going on when you get back to the apartment at the end of your day, from the little spring in your step to the smile that doesn’t seem to want to leave your face.

“I think I have met the love of my life today, Nat! And he’s known as Tony Stark.”

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olderthannetfic · 9 months

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I'm in my late twenties and only started writing a couple of years ago. I have a small but dedicated base of readers who enjoy what I write and who say my writing is great. I appreciate them very much, but to me, it sounds like I am writing for genres and tropes they like while the writing quality is secondary. This is great! I'm happy to fill a niche and entertain people. But I also know that being such a green writer means that my writing will need a lot more years to be good. Not being a native English speaker also gives me a lot of trouble with grammar. Because I started so late, I feel like I have both managed to avoid many of the mistakes younger authors make and missed out on valuable learning experiences that won't come so easily after one's teenage years.

Any tips for how I can meaningfully set aside my anxiety about getting into the game so late and worrying that because my brain ain't so endlessly malleable anymore, I've missed out on important skill development? I'm fine with accepting my writing as it currently is while working on it, but that's the one thing I can't shake.

Heh. Well, I don't know if this will help, but what you've just implied about brain development is complete nonsense.

Our critical periods for learning language are mostly before age 2, and they're for learning language at all, not for learning creative writing.

Most of the popular ideas about learning non-native languages aren't very well backed up by science. It's likely that plenty of the effects we see (where kids learn better than adults) are social and not due to brain development. There was some recent finding about young people being impulsive and not overthinking things (essentially) and how that contributes to better language learning. But, again, being a teen only has so much positive effect, and this is on language learning, not creative writing skill building.

The reality is that authors get started at all kinds of ages. We only think of it as a young person's game because "Gasp! Newest author under 30!" has been a popular marketing strategy of late.

It's completely normal for famous authors to have gotten started in middle age.

Writing practice is also only one aspect of getting better. It's a big one, but general life experience matters some and reading other people's writing matters a lot. You didn't cease absorbing language as a teen just because you weren't actively producing creative writing. (And sure, maybe not every lesson you learned was from English, but plenty of authors take inspiration from multiple languages even if they write in only one.)

I guess if there's one lesson we can take from other language skills it's that being willing to humiliate yourself in public is often the key component to learning.

Most writers' main problem is self doubt.

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fanterfane · 11 months

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The State of FanterFane, Now in ADHD!~

HEY YA'LL!

That's something I do now I guess, I say "YA'LL"! Either way, It's time for the first status update since the BIG ONE earlier this year. If you don't remember it or you're new, firstly, welcome, secondly, you can read it here: https://www.deviantart.com/fanterfane/journal/The-State-of-FanterFane-950469980. A lot of what I said here I'm still struggling with, and probably always will be, so it's still relevant. I've been told that several people have been recommended that post by Patreon because of it's high engagement, so I feel especial need to give the algorithm something better to serve. Also, this post is mainly about my struggles with ADHD, but it has other things and status updates sprinkled throughout. If you or someone you know has ADHD, I hope this helps!

For the sake of brevity though, I'll do a TL:DR right here. I developed carpal tunnel two months ago, and I've been working on treating it. It's been going pretty good lately, especially now that I finally have gotten my hands on ADHD medication after my long time lack thereof. As such, I've become much more productive and much, much happier! Things are looking up for me, and I'm hopeful for the future! Social acceptance for who I am now is still sometimes rough, but going better. SFW commissions have done wonders for my mental health, and I have plans for new art projects, commission queues, and more to try and do. I hope that you'll all continue to be the thing I get up for in the morning as I work to accomplish them! I'll be going on vacation next week, and I hope you all have a great summer!

Now for the super long part I don't fault anyone for NOT reading, here we go!

Earlier this year, it felt like I was spiraling down an unrecoverable path. Things I tried to do just wouldn't materialize. I would identify a problem like "My car is dirty" or "My room is messy" or even just "I should read and respond to this DM" and instead of working to solve it my anxiety would start up and make it so that I put it off. What if I messed it up? I was always so tired too, I just felt emotionless whenever I didn't feel sad. What if I just didn't deserve it anyway? What if all of this is a mistake? Those sorts of questions would plague me no matter what, preventing me from solving the very things giving me anxiety spiraling into even more anxiety. It was dumb, but mental health quite often is. It was getting so bad, that writing dialog and even just reading things started feeling like an anxiety induced dyslexic impossibility. For the longest time I assumed it was just depression, and that it would get better with time, but it hasn't over the years. Instead, it's only gotten worse year over year.

Now, I always get a little bit depressed every winter. Seasonal depression gets me down every year without fail, but this year was quite a bit more intense. The struggle between the two lives I live was really getting to me. I'd been doing ever more and more introspection, and discovering all the ways the way I was raised screwed me up definitely didn't help. Repressed memories often have a reason for being repressed. It doesn't help when the people you want to love you the most are the least supportive in your life, and might have even been partly the cause of some of your more unhealthy tendencies. Regardless of their intentions.

A big part of this issue though, I think at least, is that I've been unmedicated for my ADHD since High School. I stopped taking it as a Sophomore because I felt like I was smart enough to pass school without it, and that it wasn't helping me. The stigma against stimulants and medication in general was a big part of that decision. I was not self-aware enough at the time to realize that almost immediately my attention started suffering. It started slowly, too slowly for me to realize it at the moment, but gradually it became harder and harder to pay attention to class work over the years. It got so bad that in order for me to NOT fall asleep during class, I'd doodle on my classwork cause it kept me stimulated enough to stay awake. I'd always made good grades though, so I coasted through highschool on information osmosis and went on to community college, where it really started to catch up with me. Although again, I didn't realize it.

In community college, I had a couple of bad classes that really jarred me. Physics and Calculus. Physics was hard because the teacher was bad at teaching it, and 75% of that class failed the final, so I don't feel very bad about it. But the calculus class though, was the first time I'd ever felt like I'd failed myself in a class. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't understand the derivatives they tried to teach me. I passed, barely, but that was one of the times where I think my ADHD caught up to me, even if I didn't realize it. It wasn't much, but it was definitely a sign of things to come.

Once I got out of community college, I took a gap year between it and a longer stay at a university. During that time, I started trying to work on art more and more as a hobby. I started drawing possession, corruption, femboys, all that sorta wonderful stuff. Then Covid hit. My gap year turned to two, and suddenly that was long enough for me to have started an actual *career* doing this. Which was beyond crazy to me. It motivated me to no end, I wanted nothing more than to create and have fun creating for all my followers.

In the end though, my ADHD caught up to me. Like it always does. Once the initial honeymoon phase was over, and I settled into the hum and drum of being an online digital artist, it reared its head again.

You see, ADHD is not something that goes away. You may not think about it, but it's always there. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, potentially being renamed soon to the ASD spectrum, is a mental disorder affecting the brain's dopamine pathway. People with ADHD struggle because they have less dopamine for everything than most other people do. This either leads to hyperactivity, because you need to do MORE to feel the normal amount of reward chemical (how I was when I was younger). Or it leads to Inattention, because nothing you do feels rewarded or worthwhile (how I am now). There's just physically not enough dopamine being released in my brain for it to function properly most of the time. That's why ADHD is treated with stimulants like Adderall or Vyvanse, because they stimulate the release of more dopamine in the pathways. Making everything feel *right*. My symptoms may have changed over the years through things like masking and other stuff, but I realized recently that it never went away.

At the end of last year, I started watching ADHD Youtube videos that were recommended to me by my friends who also have ADHD. Lo and behold, a lot of what I was struggling with was the poster child of adulthood with ADHD. Anxiety, inability to do basic tasks, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc etc. I was especially hit hard by the concept of "Executive Dysfunction". Executive dysfunction, common with ADHD, impairs planning, task prioritization, memory, execution, and emotional regulation. All things I've been struggling with for years to various extents. Also things that got worse whenever I was depressed.

Naturally, the first thing someone might do to solve this, is get treated/medicated. So that's what I tried. I enrolled in a private health care plan (self-employment doesn't get healthcare through their employer, GO USA) just to find out that it was in the middle of a ADHD medication shortage. I was eligible to get approved for VyVanse, the meds I took when I was a kid, because they were 500$ a bottle. My insurance was 250$ a month. So they denied it, citing that I "Haven't tried the other medications." The ones that I tried getting, Adderall and a couple other ones, were never in stock. Even my friends who already had medication started being unable to get any at all. It was around that time that I made The State of FanterFane post, because this really hit me hard. I'd done everything I was supposed to, but the world still shot me down for it.

Then, on top of everything else, I developed Carpal Tunnel. Which screwed me up even more mentally and physically. Suddenly, even when I WAS motivated (which was getting rarer and rarer) I couldn't even draw then because my wrist was constantly in pain. It really started feeling like things really were unsalvageable. I truly felt without hope for the first time since college, and before that high school. Like everything I had done up to that point was pointless, and only resulted in me sacrificing my health for something that would've never worked out.

...Until the first week of this month, June 2023. When one of my friends was able to get their hands on Adderall again, signaling the end of the shortage. I immediately took my prescription to my local pharmacy, and got my first ever bottle of Adderall XR. I had high hopes for what it would do for me, but the thing I didn't expect was for me to regain hope.

The next day, I took my first dose and proceeded to start deep cleaning and rearranging my entire room. I did laundry, folded clothes, wiped away dust EVERYWHERE, organized my belongings and important files for the first time EVER, unpacked moving boxes that hadn't moved in 2 years and much, much more! Essentially, I turned my entire room upside down over the course of a week. I can't really put into words just how liberating it felt, how finally being able to just see a problem, and then solve it immediately without any anxiety or self-doubt changed *everything*. Even better, every task completed was less anxiety to affect me whenever I felt down or depressed. I can't hate myself for having a messy room when it's so clean, it's literally *rearranged* after all!

To put it simply, it felt like my brain was *working again*. For the first time in literal YEARS. Once I was done cleaning, I moved onto working on art, posting, responding to messages and sorting personal files. These past three weeks have been three of the most productive weeks I've had in a very long time. I feel like I've not been this productive since the initial honeymoon phase of Dullahan Dilemma and the Attenborough collection (callback!). All the while, I got better at treating my carpal tunnel, to the point where it's not constantly pins and needling me anymore, and it even feels just generally better all the time! I've been getting better and better at doing various tasks, and I believe I'm truly on the road to recovery now.

Things from here are looking up! Genuinely! I wouldn't be here either if it wasn't for all of you kind people supporting me, even through the toughest times. I'm beyond grateful for that. I'd worship the ground you all walk on if I could. Without ya'll, I would not be here today. Forgive me for taking on a somewhat political tone, but I have no idea who I'd even be at this point without all of you, and all of my wonderful friends that I’ve met while doing this. Perhaps I'd have fallen deeper into the alt-right pipeline as a disenfranchised southern white guy. Becoming more homophobic and repressing my inner self even more than I already had been my entire life due to my upbringing. That was the only place I felt like I could fit into the conservative worldview my folks raised me in, after all. Maybe I would've gone back to school for a degree I couldn't use and in debt, landing in a terrible corporate job that didn't care for me. At least I would've got health insurance then, but also maybe all of my health problems would've gotten worse and worse and never got better, since I never would've had the motivation to fix them by working out, losing weight, and watching my diet. I honestly don't know, and thinking too deeply about the "what-ifs'' of it is pointless.

But now, what I can say is that when all the anxiety clears and the depression abates, I'm truly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have an identity. Like my emotions actually do matter and that I'm not just some soulless machine whose only goal in life is to make money. I'm a human being. Although I may not be created in God's image, I have thoughts, feelings, and most importantly, flaws. I'm gay/bisexual, I'm not very masculine nor do I desire to be so, I like having long hair, and I like doing more effeminate things that most guys in the crowd I was falling into would balk at and blame on chemicals in the water. In other words, I feel healthier than ever. Mentally AND physically. I thank all of you, each and every single one, for staying with me throughout all of this. If any of you ever feel like you wanna reach out, especially if I can help you in some comparatively small way, please do. My DMs are always open, it's the LEAST I can do.

Some other things I should touch on- I've gotten a lot of surprising support for my transition from my extended family and friends. The closest is still the most difficult, I can't get my nails painted for instance, I was told not to when I asked, much to my chagrin. I've got a pride bracelet I've been wearing around, and no one has said anything about it, so that's good I suppose. Fox news still blares on the television in the living room, even after all the stuff that's gone down with *that* channel in recent times. I've given up on trying to convince them otherwise. I’ve been discredited anyway because I draw "X-rated shit", that doesn't make enough money. Even though as far as most people my generation are faring financially, I'm doing pretty good!

The SFW commissions have been going fantastic! Especially on the mental health side of things. It's helped me realize that I do in fact, have options. I'm not trapped doing one thing forever, which is honestly the thing that was scaring me the most. Just like the threat of a soul-draining corporate job till the day I die. I don't have to worry about what I'll be doing in 10 years, because I think I've built enough support and especially self-taught skill that no matter what I do, I'll be okay. It's only up from here, and I've even been feeling the flame of passion returning for TF and other lewdness! So you can for sure expect to see much more of that over the next few years, no matter what!

Speaking of money though, I have more plans for the future now too. I'm gonna make more money by doing more commissions and creating more sources of revenue. Just so that I can afford to move out, and get away from this toxic environment I find myself in. The cheapest apartments where I live run for about 750$ a month, so I'm hoping to save up over the next year and move the hell out. I think I'll be able to afford it, provided there are no extraneous events that hurt me financially. I'll be trying things like more YCH's, sketch commission streams like the patreon request streams, art packs, and maybe even merch! Ya'll be the first to be notified about any of this. The first YCH auction will hopefully be this weekend! It will be based on Nyan Cat possession, and the MC will be trying to run away from the cringey 2000's era meme culture that haunts them to this day. Thing is, the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you!~

Finally, I'm going on vacation next week to see some friends in LA! If you're someone I know/trust around the LA area, and you wanna meet up, let me know in DMs and we'll see if we can arrange it! I may take a further vacation the week after for rest, but after that we'll be back to regularly scheduled LEWDNESS work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming with me and supporting me on this journey. Happy pride month, and I hope everyone has a great Summer! I love all of you! Here's to several more years of FanterFane!

XOXO,

FanterFane

#announcement #adhd #my adhd #living with adhd

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candy-red-river · 5 months

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My thoughts on the amazing digital circus

its kinda "meh". Not bad by any means and good enough for me to watch later episodes but it's portrayal of mental/psychological horror is pretty shallow.

Ohhhh noooo, character that we haven't gotten to know before they entered is stuck in a McDonald's play place while all of their needs are met, whatever shall we doooooo!!!!!

Like there's no other threat than obstruction which is pretty easy to avoid since there isn't any obvious thing that would make them go crazy in the first place (besides jax) and how the "crazy" characters are portrayed doesn't seem crazy at all, not realistically or even cartoony.

There's not much to be negative about and I wish that either the environment was more dangerous or the characters start out more happy but get messed up later as the system falls apart.

I kinda like the humor (nothing with jax) and it was better than what I thought. I like the idea of ai generated and digital horror and I think the writers should lean more into that.

I like the aesthetics but sometimes their a bit too same-y or unparticular for me to feel for them.

When the teaser came out I honestly had no interest due to the character design. I've watched other gooseworx stuff and compared to tadc I prefer the character design a lot more. I think it's caine, ragatha, and pomni that didn't really do much for me.

They don't look very distinct design wise but their animation is REALLY expressive and I wish their designs fit both their personalities as well as variations of the toys that inspired them. A lot of kids stuff had patches, spots and swirls on them but it's probably too late for me to suggest design stuff.

Anyways here's my thoughts on the characters:

Jax: my least favorite, is an asshole for no reason in a supposed "dire" situation. I have to deal with and avoid these kinds of disrespect and needlessly rude people irl constantly. He has 0 redeeming qualities that make him funny or loveable besides his design.

I'd like to see him a bit more unhinged or nonchalant about what he does, but that's just how I personally like mean spirited humor.

gangle: a bit forgettable but a sweetheart overall, maybe a bit more mood shifts or dramaticness needed. As for her design (hypothetical I know it won't be changed this late into production) I'd like to see a bit more detail, as pocelain dolls, old Greek play masks, and even masquerades had more detail. Doesn't need to be too complicated. Maybe black ribbon as well?

Zooble: the best character and is just done with everything. I feel like I'd like Jax more if their traits were mix but this isn't about him.

I like her design especially because of the variety of shapes and colors.

Pomni: her personality is anxiety. That's it. I think her design is pretty meh as she doesn't resemble Jack in the box jesters or even toy jesters you see for sale. No makeup, no funny nose, even her costume seems kinda empty, and the patterns kinda blur together.

I don't get why people simp for her so much.

ragatha: also not too interesting. I kinda like her personality but her gestures feel hallow as well. If there's nothing bad going on she'd probably just be normal happy instead of fake happy or maybe even concerned for her abstracted friends, but the lack of a threat (other than abstraction) makes her backhanded feel weird and unneeded, like is she trying to make people paranoid????

Also she looks really plasticy. I know that it's supposed to take place in a video game but I feel like she'd at least have more textures to indicate what she is. I'd also recommend adding some flowers or more soft items for her, since it'd compliment her personality more.

Kinger: best boi but I feel like there could be more done with him. He just seems like a normal guy with ADHD and anxiety rather than someone who's gone through so much that he's lost himself or a cartoonist crazy person. But honestly that's not much of a problem for me, the surprise was a welcome one.

His design is neat and is something that I haven't seen done before.

Caine: I like that he's not obviously sinister and is just a confused robot trying to meet the needs of the players but fails in one way or another. I kinda wish he gave of more of the blank vibes(??) Of being a robot and that his design maybe had some different colors or even was a different kind of suit/outfit but overall he's pretty good.

Bubble: the the the they the the the the thetyetgeht the the the

Wawawawawwa wa wawawawawwa aw

Overall I'd give this show a 6/10 or a 7/10, not too bad but more could be done.

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #kinger #Jax #Pomni #Ragatha #Gangle #Caine #Goosworx #Critique

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tales-from-nocturnaliss · 10 months

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One thing about me: I like community. I like to make people feel at home and welcome, moreso if they make me feel the same.

About two years ago, the husband and I started a guild on Mobile Legends: Adventure. Gained little traction in english, so we decided to switch over to french and go recruit in those channels.

Nowadays, we're a thriving community of 50 people with very rarely an open spot. I befriended a few of these people and generally just enjoy watching them having fun (I'm guild leader, fyi).

Yesterday, I was chatting with one of our two Swiss players who asked a lot of questions about my writing. Not gonna lie: it made me feel sooooo good that she asked. I do crave attention (don't we all?). And with my plans to get some stuff ready to self-publish, I figured I'd talk about the first story I intend to release.

I narrowed the theme down to: Vampire guy struggles with trauma and ends up encountering a creature more dangerous than himself that ends up playing with his head.

Her response was, basically: that's different, usually Vampires are shown as supreme beings, so it's cool that this one'd get manipulated.

I had to take a mental double take on that. Because: I'm so used to my world that, for me, this sort of situation is like... normal. Vampires are apex predators to be sure, but there's still more dangerous things than them lurking about, and this guy happens to meet such a being (with reason). It never struck me that this story could be interesting just because it shows Vampires in a different light. I guess I can no longer tell if something is 'cool' or 'different' because, well, my nose has been stuck in Aeyuu for so long that it sometimes even affects my perception of RL normal (for example, blue is warm, red is cold, yes my brain sometimes thinks these colours are inverted irl in terms of temperature).

All this to say that it made me happy to hear her thoughts, happy in a way that goes beyond excitement. It's a wide, calm sort of happiness, mingled with hope, mingled with premature contentment that reading my stories might make other people happy (even if the themes tend to be dark and tragic XD). This is the feeling I've been hanging onto lately, to try and get past the utter anxiety and dread of self-pubbing something and it 1. getting hated 2. getting ignored.

In that line of thought, I've finally reached out to an editor (on PillowFort) and gotten the first reactions to this story yesterday. A lot of it is pertinent. It sure as hell drove my anxiety through the roof since, y'know, there was criticism in there... but I'm also glad to finally be taking yet another step forward. And I'm liking their style, be it a bit too brutal for me in places, but then they do see things that I've either overlooked, ignored, or that need a tad better wording to make the meaning/reason clear.

Additionally: today, I find I have 7 more followers on here. Which... wait, just, wow? How? And I check my notificiations and see: oh yeah, I reached out in a nice, encouraging, honestly-me way to people. Not gonna lie: much as that is my personality, I'm also still autistic, chronically tired, and some days I don't have the spoons to socialize, let alone to like people. But when the energy allows, I enjoy just going to the quiet places and leaving a friendly message. Creating a sense of: you belong with the community, too.

This said, I do have plans to 1. write a real writeblr intro sometime, 2. make feedback asks available. With my potential/likely editor not being a pro but someone like me who is self-taught and picks up instinctively on issues, I feel like this is something I want (and am allowed!) to give out in turn.

Creating community, y'know? And the world I want to see, which is a world where people are nice to each other, help each other out, but also get to have boundaries and see them respected without a 'no' turning into an argument or anything. Utopic to be sure, but what's wrong with having ideals?

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burinazar · 6 months

Text

[some brief suicide ideation mentions in this post] for those kind of newer to the ebilxperience, my mental health has been way waaaay better since like late 2021 to now than it has for most of my life up to that point (people who followed me before then might remember some...intense sadposting). I just haven't really felt...too super bad very often. I feel bad sometimes but not so bad I wanted to die, which used to be a regular problem. The episodes of intense suicide ideation in response to feelings of wasted potential or the inevitability of feeling isolation from other human beings just sort of stopped happening. I would chalk all of this up to unknowable brain chemistry, by the way, and not any external causes I've been able to identify.

At the time that this changed, what also became clear was the inability to get shit done that we had all just thought was depression did not go away when my depression magically cleared itself out of the way. I still kind of really sucked at getting shit done. This is what ultimately enabled the late-ass-and-i'm-still-not-entirely-convinced-im-not-somehow-faking-it ADHD diagnosis from my psych who was like Oh. Actually That Tracks. The things I'm not good at making myself do largely extend to anything that both involve a risk of rejection/hurt feelings, anything that requires some believe I personally 'deserve it' (job apps, asking for references), and things that don't have built-in accountability/deadlines (funny stupid example: i'll do a job app for sure if someone I know referred me to the position and is going to be aware/disappointed if I don't submit it, because that too is a form of fearing rejection! so oops, i hacked my rejection anxiety into making myself take a risk).

As you can imagine a lot of career related and interpersonal activities, as well as various day to day life tasks, fall into a combo of these things. I haven't really been able to fix that and by objective life milestone measures continue to underachieve in both career stuff and interpersonal relationships. But...it hasn't gotten me down for the past couple years, and the biggest reason is I've been able to get a lot of joy out of my art and writing during this time period.

And this....allows me to...kind of avoid having to look at how unfulfilling those areas are. But I really need to...face it.

Because I've become more and more aware that there are people, ones around my general age range, ones who may face similar Brain Issues or corresponding obstacles, that do go and find self fulfillment in more than one of these fronts. I actually got super sad about this last night for the first time in ages cuz I heard from someone who has a lot of interests in common with me but was finding fulfillment on multiple fronts, creative *and* interpersonal *and* career.

And maybe it's greedy of me to want it, but god, the life where I get to do all my silly creative bullshit/wrting/art/pet ownership but *miraculously, also, somehow* have a job and career that I don't feel conflicted and unhappy and 'i never really tried to make my dreams manifest' about, and am able to make new friendships and like date and stuff, I...do think I want that for myself and have been denying both that desire and the fact I might have the potential to achieve it.

idk this is kind of nothing but tl;dr i'm gonna start trying again and just wanted to ramble about it on tungus for a sec

#i should be able to make at least some of this shit happen ???? idk. i'll try #please feel free to encourage or politely bully on this front

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underratedandoverit · 1 year

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writing your request gave me another idea, so i'm sending it to you lol. while kip's recovery from the belt is going well, orange suddenly has some of his old symptoms from his own recovery come back, making him unable to function for the day. so now it's kip's turn to take care of him while also getting a chance to see just how bad it was for orange back then. let me know if you need any other details!

disclaimer i did not proofread this, so any funky structure or words or anything is just there, deal with it. its too late and i want this out tonight woo

~4,5k words orangekip (orange cassidy/kip sabian)

set in the belt corruption arc(/immortal fears technically). has a good old chuck cameo. generally anxiety and shades of unreality are present. hurt/comfort would probably be my best guess for a genre, hints of angst. happy ending tho 💜

On Ao3

------------

With a yawn, Kip pushed his chair away from the desk, stretching his arms over his head. It had been a long but a very good day, another successful stream with the squad and much less angry yelling than he was anticipating. He was glad to have this time at home again, it had been quite some time since the last time he was able to sit down for this long period of time to focus on something so special to him. Streaming was a good, happy place for him still, one of those things that he could pick up again after being away from it for a long time, and it actually made him feel somewhat normal again, which a lot of things he tried really didn’t do.

Maybe it was because it had been so long, that he had almost completely dropped the hobby he had previously invested so much time and effort into, that it felt so good and normal to get back to it. Being so focused on the game and listening to his friends laugh and bicker while entertaining an audience he didn’t directly see felt so different to Kip, it felt like something he had genuinely missed all this time. Since he hadn’t really given it the time of the day or any thought really while he had been dealing with the belt.

His arms dropped to the armrests of the chair, Kip leaning his head back as he stared at the ceiling for a moment. The silence in the room felt nice for a change, as the Discord call with the boys had just ended and he was left on his own once again. But it didn’t feel bad, honestly. It was quite nice to him, for a change. Maybe Kip was still coming down from the high of the last game and the victory of it, maybe he was just for once in a place after everything that had happened where being alone in silence made him feel content instead of panicking him the hell out.

It didn’t matter though. Whatever it was, it felt really nice.

Kip reached his hands up, removing the headphones from his head as he finally straightened up on his seat, proceeding to turn the computer off. He could have gotten a bit more stream related work done today if he so wished, it was still early in the evening, but stretching his legs and getting away from the screen for at least a little while felt like a better idea to him. He needed to get something to eat anyway and he was out of energy drinks, plus he needed to check on Cassidy, as Kip hadn’t seen him for a few hours now.

Not that he was really worried or anything, but usually when they were apart from one another for this long of a period of time, at least one reached out to the other to make sure they were fine. Be it with just a single text message of ‘hey’ or asking what they wanted for dinner or if they were hungry in the first place. And today so far, Kip had received no such messages, or sent any out himself since he let Cassidy know he would be starting a stream.

Picking his phone from the desk, checking it as the thoughts crossed his mind, Kip’s brows arched a little as he checked over his messages, not seeing the usual blue tick mark next to the messages he sent out hours ago at this point, everything having gone unread.

Pushing up on his feet, Kip quickly exited the office, heading towards the living room. Maybe Cassidy had just fallen asleep and was taking a very long nap, it wasn’t unheard of him especially after a long, rough work week. Kip stopped in the doorway, scanning the empty room with confusion taking over his face.

Slowly the panic starting to rise in him, he turned on his heels, heading upstairs. Maybe he was there, having a good sleep in the bedroom instead. Kip could feel himself stumbling on his feet as he almost tripped up the stairs, trying to steady his breathing as he could suddenly feel the walls closing in on him, the sudden realization of loneliness was taking him over. It felt so familiar in a scary way, he could see from the corner of his eyes the shadows moving around him, every footstep against the wooden flooring echoing in his ears and ringing through his head as he reached for the bedroom door, almost bursting through it as he finally reached it.

Kip stumbled in the bedroom, a wave of comfort and safety immediately washing over him as he stopped the familiar pile of denim clad man laying on it.

He wasn’t sure if Cassidy was awake or not, but he didn’t react as Kip burst into the room with probably way too much force than he intended. Kip stood there in the doorway, taking in the sight of his boyfriend for a moment, a warm, content feeling slowly filling him as he watched the other man’s back steadily rise and lower along his breathing as he was laying on his stomach in the middle of the queen sized bed.

Stepping inside the room finally, Kip walked to the bed, taking a seat on the edge of it, his eyes never leaving Cassidy. He looked so peaceful on his spot, but Kip had to admit that he was almost… Too peaceful.

He carefully reached a hand towards him, laying it on his back. Kip’s eyes dimmed a little as he could feel Cassidy tense up under his touch, such reaction not being very usual for him when being shown affection. Kip shifted on his spot a little, sitting up a bit better, giving Cassidy a gentle nudge with his hand.

“Hey… You okay?”

This time Cassidy moved, only to curl up on his side and roll slightly away from him and his touch. Kip slowly pulled his hand back to himself, trying to comprehend this sudden change in behavior in the other man. He hadn’t seen this from Cassidy before, and honestly it was worrying him a lot.

Especially since Kip could see hints of his own previous behavior in this sudden change of attitude in him.

Kip jumped a little as he could suddenly hear buzzing coming from somewhere close by. Eyes shooting towards the sound, he spotted Cassidy’s phone sitting on the nightstand, screen flashing with an incoming call he deducted based on the length of the buzzing sound. He looked at Cassidy, the blond completely ignoring the sound as he didn’t even move on his spot, for a moment Kip not being sure if he was even breathing anymore as he just remained completely still, ignoring his surroundings.

Slowly sliding off the bed Kip stood up, walking around the bed to the nightstand, picking the phone in his hand. He watched Chuck’s familiar name flashing on the screen, disappearing just as he was looking at the screen, marking him hanging up the call. Before the screen turned off again, Kip could see it reading ‘25 missed calls’ and a pile of unread messages, similarly from Chuck, a few probably from others too.

Kip turned towards Cassidy slowly, any remaining resemblance of a positive outlook about the situation leaving him as Kip watched him just continue to lay still on the bed, the sunglasses still on his face he had pressed hard against the bed. The position he was in looked rather painful, even more so when Kip now knew he wasn't asleep and was absolutely doing it willingly to himself.

"...Chuck's been trying to reach you."

Cassidy remained completely stoic and unreactive, making Kip's face sink even more looking at him. He wasn't sure what had brought this behavior forward, he hadn't seen Cassidy act like this even on his worse days. Sure the man was often very closed off due to both his persona and personality, but it never got this bad. He always at least responded to Kip if no one else, but now it seemed like even he couldn't get through to him.

There was something so clearly wrong that Kip just didn't know how he was supposed to deal with the situation.

He could feel the panic rising again, trying to override those thoughts with the knowledge that he needed to stay calm right now. There was no one else around that could take care of this, there was no one else that knew what was going on, there was no --

Before Kip’s thoughts could race any further, the phone buzzed in his hand again. His eyes widened as they shot towards it, Chuck’s name flashing on the screen again. Pushing all his other thoughts to the side, Kip reached for the phone screen with his free hand, quickly sliding the bar on the screen before lifting the phone up to his ear.

“Orange? Orange? Thank god--”

“Chuck.”

The line went quiet for a moment, Kip considering briefly just dropping the phone next to Cassidy on the bed with the speaker on to let Chuck talk directly to him as he might have been an unwanted part of this conversation. But as Chuck’s voice picked up again, despite how awkward he sounded, at least it made Kip aware that he was needed to be around for this.

“...Kip? Where’s… Where’s Orange?”

Kip glanced at the denim clad man on the bed, wondering what would be the best response to the obvious question about the situation at hand. It was obvious that Cassidy hadn’t picked up the phone for hours, clearly signaling that something was very wrong, but while Kip could physically see it, he wasn’t sure he was able to explain any of it.

“He’s… He’s okay.”

As the words left Kip’s mouth, he wasn’t able to look at the blond anymore. Exiting the bedroom, he stopped in the hallway of the second floor, stopping to lean against the wall as he stared at the bedroom door he closed after himself, wondering if Chuck was going to be able to help him in this situation. Kip most likely knew what was wrong, this was familiar on a very personal distressing level to him, but he didn’t know if Chuck knew anything or if he was able to help.

“Can I talk to him? I just want to make sure.”

Kip shook his head, briefly forgetting in his distress that he was actually on the phone and Chuck wasn’t standing right there looking at him. He brushed a hand over his face, inhaling deeply, getting caught by a surprise at how much his breath was trembling. “I… I don’t think he really wants to talk.”

“Kip. What is going on? Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know.”

The words slipped out of his mouth faster than Kip could stop them, coming out so quietly he wasn’t sure at first if Chuck had heard them. The silence that fell over the call was telling him more than enough though, it takes a good few seconds before Chuck’s voice cut back in.

“You don’t know? Are you home, do I have to come over?”

Kip thought about his offer for a second, but knew that ultimately having another person here physically was just going to make everything even more difficult for them to deal with. While Kip wasn’t exactly sure what was going on with Cassidy, he knew enough from personal experience that getting too many people involved during a weak moment like this was just going to make it worse. As much as he trusted Chuck, he also didn’t want him to butt in to their house at a time like this.

“No… No, it would just make it worse. I just don’t know what to do.”

He was slowly starting to feel more confident telling Chuck about this, him being grilled had caught him off guard at first, but slowly Kip was leaning more into trying to get help from the one other man that might know what was going on. From what Cassidy had told him before, Chuck had been there a lot for him during his dark times just like Cassidy had been for Kip, so he had formed a sort of an understanding that Chuck also knew something about this… Curse, as they liked to refer to it after all the incidents.

Kip never really talked with Chuck though, he was aware of Kip’s situation with Cassidy, but if he was ever around, it was always for his blond friend. Kip was always an afterthought. Which he didn’t really mind in this case, he still wasn’t entirely over with what had happened to him after losing the belt, so talking about any of it with someone like Chuck would probably have been awkward anyways.

“I… I think he’s relapsing.”

That was the best way he could put it, the words they had been using between Kip and Cassidy to talk about situations where one of them, that usually being Kip, got worse again after a good period of being at least somewhat okay and functional. Kip wasn’t sure if Chuck was made aware of this terminology though, the silent reply he was getting from the other end of the call not really helping him figure it out.

“Okay… Okay that’s not good. Where is he? Is he at least in one piece?”

“He’s safe, in the bedroom. Just… Completely unresponsive, laying on the bed, barely moves away from the touch.”

Kip could hear Chuck groaning, sounding like he was suddenly more annoyed than worried anymore. Maybe it was a good sign, maybe this was behavior that he had seen before?

“Okay, listen.” Kip nodded, this time it didn't matter that Chuck didn’t see the gesture from him. “He’s aware of his surroundings if he’s avoiding touches. That’s a good sign. What you need to do is to try to ground him. We need to get him back to reality.”

Now it was starting to sound familiar. This was something Cassidy had told him before, that he had learned to do with him at days when Kip was in much of a similar state than he was right now. The problem was that Kip usually didn’t remember anything about those days when he was laid out and bedridden, so he wasn’t sure exactly how to do that. Cassidy had told him that talking seemed to help most of the time, but apart from that, Kip really had no idea.

“How do we do that?”

Chuck brought this up, maybe he had an idea. If this had been a thing with Cassidy previously while he was in recovery, Chuck had to have been there. He would know.

“Okay, do you have something small and possibly something that dissolves that you could try to feed to him? Sugar, maybe? And something to drink, something tastier than water. He needs those senses activated.”

“Yeah… Yeah I think we have something in the kitchen. Is there anything else?”

“Try to be there with him. Talk to him. Make sure he hears you and understands that you’re there, even if he most likely won’t respond. The last thing you want to do is leave him alone.”

Kip pushed himself off from the wall, heading downstairs and towards the kitchen. He tried to push Chuck’s last words out of his mind, knowing that he had already more than enough failed at that task, having spent most of the day away from him while Cassidy had been in this kind of a condition. He could hopefully still remedy all of this though, if he just followed the rest of Chuck’s advice. It all sounded distantly familiar to him, Kip couldn’t say for sure if Cassidy had been feeding him things while he had been out of it on the worst days, but the talking and closeness otherwise did ring some mental bells to him.

Kip excused himself from the call as he entered the kitchen, knowing that he was going to have his hands full going back upstairs. Thankfully Chuck was understanding, just telling Kip to let him know if things got worse and to text him when Cassidy got better. Stuffing the phone into the pocket of his sweatpants, Kip started opening the kitchen cupboards, trying to find as many items he could try to get Cassidy to consume for him, not really being sure what he could get to work. Anything from basic sugar cubes to sample packs of Nutella to mints and Starbursts, he took everything small enough he could find, alongside a few energy drinks he could try to get Cassidy to taste.

Kip wasn’t really sure if he was feeling hopeful or not about this, Chuck hadn’t really made it clear if this was actually going to work or not. He said it was what usually what worked. Glancing at the pile of food items in his hands as Kip headed back upstairs, he could feel a hard to swallow lump in his throat, teasing him with the thought that what if this wasn’t going to help after all? What if all this was for nothing? That he could try whatever he wished, and he just wasn’t going to be able to help Cassidy, not able to bring him back to this side of consciousness from the darkness.

He stopped at the bedroom door, almost too afraid to open it again. Considering the situation he was sure that Cassidy hadn’t moved from the spot Kip had left him in, but there was still a certain fear in the back of his head that what if something had happened. That he had somehow done something to himself while Kip was away.

Chuck’s words kept playing in his head. ‘The last thing you want to do is leave him alone.’ Had he already fucked this up? Was there no way to reverse this anymore? This was the first time Kip was on the other end of this situation, he hadn’t talked much with Cassidy about his feelings and fears when Kip was having one of these days himself, so he really didn’t know when it was too late to try to deal with it anymore.

Taking in a deep breath Kip tried to calm himself down, carefully pushing down the door handle, re-entering into the bedroom. A wave of content washed over him as he spotted Cassidy exactly where he was left a few minutes earlier, but at the same time Kip could feel the sadness and guilt finding him still laying there too. He wasn’t magically getting better on his own clearly, and Kip hadn’t been there enough for him to help him out.

Pushing the thoughts from his head for a moment, Kip walked around the bed, starting to pile the items from his hands to the floor. Cassidy didn’t seem to pay him any mind, still laying on his side, half of his face buried against the blanket with the sunglasses squished between it and his face in a rather painfully looking manner. As Kip was ready, he carefully approached the other man, lowering a hand on his face, carefully caressing his cheek.

“I’m sorry I’m late, Clementine,” he whispered, offering Cassidy a little smile, despite being sure he didn’t even perceive it. As Cassidy didn’t respond in any manner, vocal or physical, Kip carefully reached for him, slowly pulling the man closer to the edge of the bed. Cassidy didn’t resist, Kip having to hold himself together as Chuck’s words just kept repeating in his head. He had said that Cassidy responding even negatively to touches was good, so Kip wasn’t sure where this landed in the spectrum anymore. Hopefully Cassidy was just aware that Kip was here to help him and that’s why there was no resistance, and he actually wasn’t too far gone already.

Kip carefully slid him onto the floor, setting the blond to sit against the side of the bed. He sat down beside Cassidy, leaning his back against the nightstand, making sure that he had a good look at Cassidy’s face in case of sudden chances in his expression. It was also going to be much easier to try to feed him something from this angle, Kip thought to himself as he glanced at the items on the floor between the two of them.

“I… I got you a little something to eat.” Kip looked at Cassidy, wincing a little to himself as he could finally see the side of his face that had been laid against the bed all this time. The frames of the sunglasses had left a noticeable mark on his face, and while Kip was sure it wasn’t that painful if Cassidy could feel it in the first place, it sure didn’t look very pretty. “It’s… It’s okay. We just have a little picnic here. On the bedroom floor. Just the two of us. With all your favorite treats.”

Kip offered him a smile, getting nothing back. He tried to not let it discourage him, reaching for the little cup of sugar cubes, picking one into his hand. Reaching for Cassidy’s face, he had to fight with him a little bit to be able to get his jaws to open up, but eventually Kip was able to slip a sugar cube into his mouth. He looked at the stoic man, not seeing even a slight movement from him as a response. Maybe he needed something else. Maybe some more encouragement.

Without thinking further, Kip leaned closer, pressing a little peck on his cheek. “You’re going to get better, I promise. I’m here now.”

Maybe he was imagining it. Maybe he wasn’t but it was just a coincidence, but Kip could swear he saw Cassidy swallowing as those words exited his mouth. Kip kept staring at him, trying to make sure he was actually seeing it, his eyes widening a little as he definitely saw it the second time, being followed by a very sudden change in Cassidy’s demeanor as Kip could hear him take in a breath.

Almost frantically Kip looked back to the floor, trying to pick out the next item to try. He hadn’t expected things to work out this fast in his favor, but it was definitely making him more motivated to continue. Maybe Cassidy was just easier to pull out of his rut so it was working on his faster, the man had had a longer recovery period than Kip did, so maybe it had something to do with it. It didn’t matter though, Kip had not confirmed that this was actually working and not hope had been lost, and he was going to continue to try to make it even better, slowly but steadily.

One item at a time he kept feeding them to Cassidy, telling him between each item how proud of him he was and how Kip was there to make things better. How he was sorry he hadn’t been there all day. Eventually ending up just talking about the stream he had earlier, what the boys had been up to and how mad he got at times. What fun things the chat was saying, what they discussed about. Kip tried to keep his mouth going as much as possible, just making sure that there was sound filling in the otherwise quiet room. He didn’t mind that Cassidy still didn’t reply to him, Chuck had thankfully prepared him for that part, and Kip had enough to talk about to just keep going.

As he was chatting away about something mundane, peeling the Starburst in his hand out of the wrapper, Kip watched as suddenly a lazy hand landed on his. His eyes widened as he froze in place, quickly glancing up to watch Cassidy be otherwise just as stoic as before. He wasn’t looking at Kip, not moving anything but the hand he landed on his, but Kip could feel him trying to make an effort to squeeze his hand, almost as if trying to communicate through that.

Kip smiled, holding Cassidy’s hand in one of his while the other one reached to put the Starburst into his mouth. Cassidy had become easier to feed the more Kip did it, this time him taking the candy into his mouth almost entirely on his own from Kip’s fingers. He pressed his hand against Cassidy’s cheek, his thumb caressing the side of his face.

“I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong, Clementine.”

They continued like this until Kip basically ran out of things to give to him, with each item Cassidy slowly giving him more and more signals of some levels of awareness. He was steadily getting better through this, though Kip had no idea how far he was able to actually take it. Like was Cassidy going to return to normal tonight, or what was a point where he could stop and they could just sleep the rest of it off? Again, he didn’t remember being on the other end of this problem himself though he knew it had happened before, so he had little to no reference point to go from.

As Kip spun the final energy drink can in his free hand, he glanced up at Cassidy. He had started to breathe much more freely as time went on, returning Kip’s hands reassuring squeezes every now and then. Kip could swear he was leaning into the touches and kisses to his face too, but as his expression wasn’t changing and the movements were very minimal, it was really hard to actually tell. But the progress was definitely there, that much he could say for sure.

Kip lowered the energy drink to the floor, trying to proceed to open it with one hand. He was stopped though as Cassidy lowered his other hand on top of it, gathering a questioning look from Kip, almost making him jump as he lifted his eyes to meet Cassidy’s face, the blond for the first time in the entire day actually looking directly at him. Still emotionless and behind the sunglasses, but he had shifted on his spot a noticeable amount to be face to face with Kip finally.

“…Kip.”

His voice was hoarse, the word barely audible. Kip just stared back at him, unable to move, unable to look away, just waiting for whatever was going to follow up with that.

“…Thank you.”

Shoving the energy drink aside, Kip leaned closer, pressing his lips against Cassidy’s. A smile rose up on his lips as he could feel him respond to the show of affection, very slightly and carefully Cassidy leaning into the kiss as well after a moment of hesitation.

#fic #setting: belt corruption arc #character: orange cassidy #character: kip sabian #character: chuck taylor #ship: orangekip #request #i didnt intend this to become this long but also you know what who cares it ended up just really cute #again sorry i absolutely did not proofread this apart from what docs pointed out to me so sorry if anything is super wonky #i hope you like it <33 #aew fanfiction #wrestling fanfiction

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ladytauria · 5 months

Note

hey liv sorry in advance i am nosy

🍓🐇🧃🪐🍬🦷🦋🦴🪲

dont be sorry! i enjoy nosy uwu

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

hmm

i was 12. my favorite tv show at the time was this old disney cartoon, "super robot monkey team hyper force go" (abbreviated as SRMTHFG or SRMTHG. i prefer the first but plenty of people use the second.) it was canceled after its 4th season and, uh. the ending was SO bad. like, major major cliffhanger.

anyway, i was looking up... i don't even remember at the time. and i discovered deviantart, and i discovered this person's OCs. read a lot about them, including some fanfic, and then eventually discovered fanfiction.net

i didn't realize what it was at first; i thought it was just a writing in general site? and i was like oh! i can share the book i'm working on! (i have been trying to write a novel since i was 10). and then as i was looking into where i would post it, i realized what it actually was. (no, the title didn't give it away. idk why.)

so then i was like oh!!! this is really cool actually!!! and i wrote my first fanfic xD

that was in 2011? so i was 12, almost 13.

and i've been reading & writing fic ever since~

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?

okay so this is a tough question

bc like

i love love love love love second person.

like.

*adore* it.

second person, present tense is my absolute fave, but past tense is good too. (i have written an entire sapphic little mermaid retelling [12k words i think] in second person. uh, it needs revisions but it's a full draft. i opened it it the other day and im still so proud of it uwu)

howEVER. outside of writing second person w/o ever explicitly naming the pov character i have not actually written a reader-insert? so for that reason alone i will have to say 'prefer writing oc's'

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

uhh

i'm a chronic oversharer (mostly in the tags) so that's kind of tough!

ah! since my grandmother's memory issues started, i've been doing about half of the cooking (it's been a bit of a battle, as she keeps trying to do everything xD) and i've cooked a lot of new things this year!! i've gotten very good at cooking pork chops. which 🤔 now that i bring that up, i might make friday! or tonight, but they're still in the freezer, so...

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

my grandmother's memory situation has improved a lot!! it's still not great, but like. strides ahead of where we were 7-8 months ago!

my anxiety has been much kinder to me this year <3 i've made some very lovely friends this year~

mmm, oH, my energy levels have been fantastic this year. i didn't realize just how bad they had gotten until i started these new meds, and now i'm just. <333 much better.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

idk if i have any unpopular opinions...? i mean. i'm sure i must, but... nothing immediately comes to mind ^^;

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

hmmm

recently been trying to get in the habit of summarizing what i want to do before i start writing. it makes the process much easier, if ik a bit about what i want to do before going in?

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

i am much better at being patient than i ever gave myself credit for in the past <3

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?

i can't think of one piece in particular, as the places i find inspiration are. all over the board?

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

picked a wip from my open tabs at random! funnily enough this is also the one i ended up doing for the emoji ask xD

it's also almost triple what this asked for but once i started writing i couldn't stop <3

He swallows, staring up at Tim. Jason has had plenty of practice reading people through a domino, but. He has no reference for the look Tim is giving him now. Only that it— That the feeling it gives him is… is new and strange. He has no name for it, the way his stomach feels fluttery and tight, his scalp and fingers tingling. His mouth opens—but all that escapes is a stuttery puff of air. That’s okay. He doesn’t know what he was going to say anyway. Tim hooks a gloved finger under his chin; tipping his face up. He leans in, slowly—so slow that Jason— There’s nothing keeping him there. He could run. Turn away. But he feels caught, feet anchored in place. Tim’s mouth touches his, and all thought leaves him. Jason has never been kissed before.

[ writers truth or dare ask game ]

#ask gaming #felinemotif #asks and answers #tauriawritesfanfic #the color of hope (canary yellow)

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stary-night · 2 months

Text

Vent (preparing for the death of a grandparent, generational trauma kinda). Also apologies for all of these vents lately- hoping everything will go better in a couple weeks, I just want to write stuff down.

One of my grandpas has been terminally ill for about 3 years. It made me go into a depressive episode when I first heard but lately it feels like I get a call every year about him going to the hospital, with my grandma warning people he's on deaths door essentially. I like my grandpa, but he and my dad don't have the best relationship because he was emotionally abusive to him. My dad is also emotionally abusive to me, at times, but is other times kind so it's really hard to gauge what the reaction will be.

Apparently, his condition has gotten worse. He has a DNR because he won't survive even if they try to restart his heart. He might die in anywhere between a couple days to a couple months. Ever the optimist, he's planning a hike for December because he's always been into camping/outdoors.

Everything feels so weird because my parents didn't tell me until now because I've been struggling a lot with mental health and school. My dad is actually making an effort to call him, but seems pretty emotionally numb about it - like my parents just casually asked me if I'd be able to take time off from school to attend his funeral in April, if it comes to that.

My grandma on that side (they're divorced and both remarried), has also gotten sick recently though not to the same level. I asked my dad if he's okay and he actually gave a fairly honest answer about being stressed with that and work, which is more emotionally vulnerable than he usually is.

I can't get myself to feel anything or process it. It feels like we're scheduling an event, rather than processing the fact that my dad's parents are both sick/dying. I don't really blame my parents for this because I know that you kinda gotta be a little emotionally numb when it's happening to cope with it but - I just don't know what I should be feeling. I still have so many assignments to do.

I was having a mental breakdown last week about school and being unable to focus on assignments/ and severe anxiety/passive suicidal ideation and it all feels so small now.

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bloodgulchblog · 2 years

Note

How do you feel about Denning's books in general? I personally don't like how he writes John OR Fred.

Lol you caught me complaining about Denning Fred just now, I ended up deleting that post because I feel like I've just been suuuuper negative lately and should try harder to contain it. (How much of me complaining about Halo books does my follower base actually want to see back to back before it becomes obnoxious, right?)

BUT, SINCE YOU ASKED FOR MY CONTROVERSIAL TROY DENNING SPARTAN OPINIONS:

In general: Reading Denning irritates me a lot. I don't like how Denning writes John or Fred either. I talked about this more in my post about Shadows of Reach but my tl;dr re: John is that Denning doesn't do anything interesting with the character or innovate on his thoughts and feelings, he just kind of repeats ideas that were already established a long time ago in the first Halo novels. He doesn't think through or extrapolate much from those ideas, and when he does it feels poorly thought out and dumb to me.

Now. Fred.

It's been a minute since I read Shadows of Reach and Last Light (I just hit the first chapter from Fred's perspective in Retribution and just had to tap out for the evening) so take me with a grain of salt, but: Fred especially suffers because Denning somehow decided he's the funnyman of Blue Team. It wasn't as prevalent in Last Light (or at least I don't think it was?) but it's gotten worse over time, and is not helped by the fact Denning is just not good at humor. (He also suffers from the Denning protagonist problem in that, yet again, Denning's protagonists always feel dumb to me.)

Fred was interesting to me because he contrasts well with John, in what little we get of him. He's more sensitive, more diplomatic, and it's easier for him to reach out to others emotionally. (Ghosts of Onyx has some spots where this stuck out for me.) He thinks and worries a lot, which is something the both of them have in common but Fred is different in how it wears on him because he doesn't have the same level of responsibility as John. I've been digging around trying to find the source and I can't offhand, I think it was in First Strike somewhere, but: Fred is highly capable, he's noted as being just as good as John and sometimes better, but he seems to deliberately not push ahead of others. He prefers to play right hand to John, he'll lead a squad under John but he doesn't want to be the one all the way at the top.

I've always thought that Fred's enormous sense of duty and the absolute seriousness he takes it all with vs his anxiety and how much the weight of others' lives sits heavier on him than it does on John (because Fred has more empathy) were an interesting conflict inside him. It's very Spartan. There's even a scene we get at the end of the updated edition of First Strike where someone from ONI is trying to get him to admit that it scares the hell out of him and has a comms fuckup as evidence. (He doesn't crack, but I feel like it would be a miss to take his insistence at face value in that conversation. We know how hard it was for him on Reach.)

There is none of this that I've seen in Denning writing him, and it's a real loss to me. I really wanted to see something of how losing John and having to fill his boots, a role Fred has always avoided, a role John has always protected him from, had to have affected him and the rest of Blue Team with him. How did Fred cope with that? What did Fred lose by having to cope with that? And I got nothing.

It's probably kind of... something that I'm still hung up on a characterization we have not seen in literally over a decade at this point, and there have been more books with him in them that were like this instead of like that, but also:

I like that a lot better.

#master chief #fred-104 #ask

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thunderheadfred · 11 months

Text

Life stuff update!

Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.

Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.

Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.

So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.

He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.

What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...

Anyway. That's been a lot.

Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?

Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.

Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.

Okay my fingers are tired

love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee

#personal #life update

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starryevermore · 2 years

Text

the wolf and the mouse: nine ✧ bucky barnes & nick fowler

the wolf and the mouse: a bucky barnes & nick fowler mob au | ao3

pairing: enforcer!bucky barnes x fem!reader; mob boss!nick fowler x fem!reader

summary: bury you in satin, lay you down on a bed of roses. send you away with the words of a love song.

word count: 2,555

warnings?: major character death(s), suicide, fighting, drinking, pet name (sweetheart/topolina), not proofread

If Nick Fowler were to be described in a single word, nervous would be far, far removed from the word bank people would pull from. Nick Fowler was cool, calm, collected. He was suave. He oozed confidence. He knew what he wanted, and he always got it. But in the days since getting you, it seemed like that unfamiliar feeling was suddenly becoming his closest friend and ally. And that feeling had never been stronger than on the day of his wedding.

You had been so, so good for him lately. Though he had been reluctant to bring in a therapist, he had to admit he was wrong. It was doing you good, to talk about the feelings you weren’t yet comfortable to talk to him about. It hurt, sure. All he wanted was for you to love him the way he loved you. For you to be his sweet, little topolina who would do anything to make him happy, just as he would do for you. Barnes had halted his plans to make you his, but now you seemed to finally be coming around to him.

You weren’t all the way there, of course. You don’t fight as much as you did before. You don’t initiate any affection with him. But you didn’t deny him as much, either. It was progress. Progress that he welcomed as much as he welcomed the changes you were making to the manor. If it meant that you would learn to be happy with him, he would let you do anything he wanted.

Which was why he let you to stay at a hotel the night before the big day. Something about how you wanted to be away from the general craziness and just get ready for your big day. He was sure it wasn’t you idea, that perhaps Peter had whispered something to you, given that you hadn’t ever brought it up before. But he owned a hotel in the area, and if it meant that you wouldn’t be upset during the big day, Nick was more than happy to let you have your space on the promise that you would keep him updated.

And yet, you had done the one thing he told you not to do. You didn’t keep him updated. You hadn’t said a word to him after you reported that you were awake and you were waiting for your hair and makeup artist to arrive. You hadn’t said a single word since. And every one of his men he spoke to said that they hadn’t heard from you either.

You were testing him, and he didn’t like that. Not one bit.

Especially now, as he stood at the altar, watching the doors, waiting for them to open. Nick was keenly aware of all the eyes on him. He knew everyone was expecting you. He was expecting you. And for you to be so late? It was humiliating.

You’d better have a damn good reason for being late, he thought to himself, trying to figure out what to do to quell the anxieties of the crowd.

Finally, he stepped forward, saying to the crowd of attendees, “It seems my topolina has gotten lost. Excuse me while I step out to call her driver.”

Nick left the altar, walking to the front of the church to try and see if there was any sign of you. But all he could find was Peter Parker, looking around wildly, as if he, too, didn’t know where the hell you were. And oh, that upset Nick. That upset Nick a lot.

“Where the hell is she, Parker?”

The kid said nothing. And, god, that pissed Nick off even more. He grabbed Peter by the collar of his shirt, his hand falling to the gun holstered on his hip.

“Tell me where the fuck my topolina is now, or you’ll regret it.”

Peter still said nothing, until Nick pulled out his gun, shoving it under Peter’s chin.

“I-I lost her,” he finally said.

“What the hell do you mean by that!?”

But before Peter could answer, a flurry of sirens sounded down the street.

“I think you know.”

Earlier…

You were surprised when Nick let you stay at a hotel room the night before the wedding. But, you mused, he had also been giving you more freedom nowadays. You supposed that was your reward for being compliant. You viewed it more as a punishment, though. What was the point of freedom when everything you ever could have wanted was taken from you? What was the point of freedom when you had no need to be free?

There was nothing left in the world for you.

Though, you did enjoy having the night away from being suffocated by Nick’s endless affection. It was nice to have the space to breathe. But what came with that space? The feeling that your lungs were going to collapse in on themselves? It made you want to die.

You couldn’t sleep that night. Every time you closed your eyes, you thoughts were plagued by him. He filled your mind, his bright blue eyes twinkling at you, a smile curved on his face. He stood with you, wearing the best tux he could afford. He reached out, holding your face in his hands. He brushed a strand of hair from your face, leaning down, the words I love you unspoken but crystal clear.

It made you want to vomit. Thinking of Bucky.

You knew now that he didn’t love you. You wondered if he ever did. Well, okay. Maybe he did love you. Once upon a time, maybe his love was real. But the more you thought about it, the more you pondered on what you saw in that alleyway, the stronger your belief was in what you saw.

Bucky was alive. You knew it. You never saw him again, you never heard from it. And that made it all the more damning. Bucky was alive, and he no longer loved you. Because how could a person ever let the one they love suffer the way you have?

By the time dawn broke, the sun rising in the sky, you hadn’t gotten an ounce of sleep. How could you? When your fate was about to be sealed forever? Bucky didn’t love you, and you were going to be forced into a marriage you never would have asked for.

As soon as I do was said, you would be trapped. Forever.

“Are you excited?” Peter asked.

You looked up from your phone, having sent Nick a text that you were awake, that you were waiting on hair and makeup. It was a condition on you being allowed to stay at the hotel for the night. Nick wasn’t keen on it. He wouldn’t tell you why, but Peter eventually explained that a syndicate was rising up, hoping to take Nick out of the picture. So Nick wasn’t keen on you being away from him, not when you were his only weakness. You hoped that the rising syndicate was successful. You would love nothing more than for Nick to feel the pain he makes you feel every damn day.

That same pain.

Huh.

That was a thought.

“As excited I would be to walk straight into the lion’s den.”

Peter frowned. “Y/N…”

“We don’t have to keep fooling ourselves into thinking this is something I want. You and I both know that this life…It will never make me happy. No matter how much I let Nick believe it does.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that. You know he always finds out, and I don’t want him to hurt you.”

“He hurts me everyday, whether he means to or not.” You looked out the window, watching as the city began to awake. “When does the hair stylist arrive?”

“An hour. Why?”

“I’d like to go for a drive.”

Peter nodded. “I’ll go call for the driver.”

“I would like to drive alone.”

“I can’t let you do that. Nick would kill me if I let you out of my sight.”

“Why does he have to know? You wouldn’t tell him, would you? Not when you say you don’t want him to hurt me?”

Peter chewed on his lip. “Well, no—”

“Give me the keys to your car then. I just need some time to myself. I need to do something. I can’t just sit her, be the quiet little mouse. I need to just…be free. Just one more time. It’s all I want, Peter. It’s the only thing I’ll ask for.”

Peter reached into his pocket, slowly pulling his keys out. He placed them into your hands, saying, “Thirty minutes. You get thirty minutes, and then you have to come back. Okay?”

You weren’t planning on coming back though, you mused as you got in his car, driving down the street. You weren’t ever coming back. You needed to get away. You needed Nick to feel the same pain that you felt every fucking day since he killed Bucky. You needed Bucky to feel the agony of losing someone, of knowing that they would never share the love you were once so sure was true, was real. You wanted to rip everything they could have had away from them. You wanted to hurt them the way they had hurt you.

“But I’ll never be free,” you whispered.

Nick would track you down to the ends of the Earth if need be. He would do anything to make you his. You had seen it first hand. You had felt the pain he was willing to inflict on you, the object of his affection, when you were in his grasp. What would he do if you left? If you got away? If you abandoned him at the altar on your wedding day?

You were barely conscious of your foot pressing harder and harder on the gas pedal. What was the speed limit? Was there a speed limit? As you sped out of the city, the buildings and trees blurring by you, you wondered what would happen if you would fully commit to it.

If you would fully commit to the pain you wished to inflict.

If you let go.

If you gave in.

You looked at the sharp turn you were approaching. There was no way you could slow in time. You weren’t sure you wanted to. You knew you didn’t want to. Instead…

You wanted to let go, and you did.

And as you hurtled off the road, the car tumbling down the embankment, your head smacking against the steering wheel, a smile stretched across your face.

Finally…

You were free.

Now…

peter: im sorry. she didn’t make it.

Bucky frowned as he stared at his phone. When Peter had told him earlier that you had practically begged to go for a drive by yourself so you could clear your head, he wanted to rip Peter’s head off. Then when Peter told him that he couldn’t find you? Oh, he wanted to fucking kill the kid. He had one job. One singular job, and that was to keep you safe until he could come get you.

“FUCK!” Bucky shouted, throwing his phone at the wall. The phone clattered on the ground, its screen cracked, a sizeable hole now in the wall. The phone chimed and, reluctantly, Bucky walked over, picking it up, reading the message.

peter: fowler’s at the bar near the church. in case you wanted to go through with the rest of the plan.

“I won’t stop you,” Steve said, seeing the look in his friend’s eye.

“He’s the reason she’s dead.”

“I know.”

“None of this would have happened if he wasn’t a selfish bastard.”

“I know.”

“If he wasn’t so selfish…If he realized that she never would love him, she might be here still.” Bucky tried to swallow down his sob. “She might have been happy still if not for him.”

Steve nodded, reaching out, squeezing his friend’s shoulder. “I think you know what you have to do.”

“I’m going to make him pay.”

Bucky wasn’t sure how he got to the bar. He wasn’t sure if he ran or if he took a car or if he called an Uber. All he knew was that he was standing outside the establishment, staring into the window, watching as Nick threw back a shot.

Fucking pathetic. How could he do this? How could he not be mourning you? In the hours of losing you, he goes to a bar? Did he still delude himself with the idea of having loved you? Did he know now that he never deserved you?

Bucky threw the door open, the glass door shattering as it slammed against the wall. All eyes turned on him. All except for Nick.

“FOWLER!” Bucky shouted, stomping up to the bar. He grabbed the man, yanking him off the stool, dragging him out the door to the alleway. No one stopped him. It seemed like they all thought they had seen a ghost. “I hope you’re fucking happy!”

“Am I dead?” Nick coughed out when Bucky threw him to the ground.

“You’re going to wish you were,” Bucky snarled, landing a kick to his stomach.

“I must be dead if I’m seeing you,” he said. “Have I gone to hell?”

Bucky wondered how much he had drank if he thought he was seeing hallucinations. “Hell would be too kind for you. She was too kind for you.”

A blind rage filled Bucky as he landed hit after hit after hit on Nick. “She was perfect. Fucking perfect. She was happy. And you fucking took that from you. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM HER. And now she’s gone? And you can fucking do is drink? How could you say you ever loved her?”

“I would have given her everything,” Nick said, spitting out blood, trying to fight back, but the alcohol dulling his reaction times, his ability to land blows.

“You gave her nothing she wanted. She was happy with me.”

“And you think she would still be? She chose neither of us.”

“She didn’t know the truth.”

The light was fading from Nick’s eyes. “And now she never will.”

“And that will be my burden to bear. But you will never hurt anyone like you hurt her. Never again.”

Nick’s body fell limp.

Bucky stood to his full height, wiping off the blood on his hands. He let out a shuddering breath. It was done. He pulled out his phone, dialing Steve’s number. “You got your in. Good luck with this shit.”

“What will you do?” Steve asked.

“I’m done with this shit. I’m leaving town, like I planned.” Bucky sighed, squeezing his eyes shut, a tear escaping. “But first…I suppose I have a funeral to plan.”

This was his life now, it seemed. And there was no way to get out of it. Not when he, and Nick, and Peter, and Steve he supposed, ruined everything. Not when they all ruined a perfectly good woman in a foolish attempt at power and love and all the rest.

Bucky would live with this for the rest of his life. He played with the wolf, and he lost everything. After all, everyone knows what it is said about the big bad wolf.

The mouse never stood a chance.

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