#ive fought so hard to be free my whole life and now its so close

[baldurs-gate-official]

God once my situation is better and I actually get the motivation to write/draw again? I will be unstoppable.

#personal #I'm so so tired #and i've been working so hard to make sure I'll be free. every time I think im done more just keeps piling on. but im so so close to freedo #just a little less than 2 weeks now #ill be able to eat when im hungry and drink when im thirsty and not worry about how much noise im making and ill be able to sleep #like jesus christ just to be able to SLEEP. for years i slept by keeping lights on so it wouldnt look like i was sleeping #and i had to be ready to be wide awake/pretend i wasnt sleeping in a moments notice #These weeks can't pass fast enough #I just want a home. So so badly #and freedom. and food. and safety. #and to not feel like a burden #ill have my own bed too. an actual bed. something soft that doesnt hurt #even gonna have a bathtub. its gonna be so relaxing. #i miss art and i miss writing. i really hope once things are settled that i can get back to that #it doesnt feel real yet #ive fought so hard to be free my whole life and now its so close #sorry i just need to vent and no one reads tags like these anyway so it works #sort of #everything is so overwhelming #q

[theeyeofinfinity]

Why me

It doesn’t seem to matter what i do. No amount of time or distraction or anything is enough to cut my bind. I’m shackled to someone who wants me just as bad but not in the same way. What is it going to take? Why does my mind try to reconstruct the narrative to try & justify this attachment? Is it a test? Should i be trying harder to get back to you? If so why? It didnt work the last thousand times i tried over the course of 6 years. I lost a relationship over this obsession. I feel fine on my own, it took some adjusting but I’m more relaxed now than i used to be. Ive even managed to quell the pains of solitude. I don’t feel like i have to have someone to do something fun. I actually enjoy solo adventuring. Which is exciting to realize because of how many doors its going to open. But just as i start gaining traction in my life you’re right there to cause the halt. Why do i want you in my life so bad if you were never that good to me. We had our good times sure & we were amazing best friends. But as partners? You left a lot to be desired. It took years to reconcile with the fact that majority wasnt even my fault. Yet i still find myself craving your touch, your voice, your presence. I feel whole, but somehow not? Its like no matter how much i grow & better myself, no matter how much i love myself or someone else, I’m .01% away from being whole. You’re that last sliver thats missing. Why? You didnt add anything but stress & heartache to my life. The company was wonderful & at the beginning it was like a dream come true. We couldnt get enough of each other. It was perfect. But reality sunk in & we went back to our old cycle. Being that we were both single this time for the first time in those 6 years i thought things would be different. It really broke me when it didnt change anything. This was my last hoorah & it didnt work. I had every hope that it would. It just fell apart. You let me down, so why do i try to convince myself that i was the one who still messed it up by jumping the gun too early. You had just gotten out of a relationship & obviously were going to be emotionally closed off. I would have never gotten in this early. But if thats what it is why did you go sleep with two other dudes just because. Is it fair of me to even say that? I feel like it is because you knew how i felt. But at the same time i shouldnt have really been in you’re life anymore. We werent & still arent & won’t ever be anything more than strangers now. Its so hard to see things clearly when it comes to you & it always has been. If i don’t distract myself enough i come back to you. Even when i do, i wish you were there to share it with me. What lesson am i supposed to get from you?

Never give up? Learn when to give up? True love never dies & should be fought for? If you love something set it free & if it comes back its yours? I really don’t know. My mind says no. My heart & soul yes. My mind gets out voted but still holds all the power because my brain drives my body. I want to forget & leave it behind but its screaming from the depths of my subconscious & i come back every time. Maybe i just need to meet the right person & itll all go away. You never loved me as much as i loved you. Its been painfully obvious for a long time. You loved your last partner more than me. Gave up on me for him. Held onto him when he was so much worse than me. But i was left behind. Abandoned. But neither of us can deny this unbearable pull. These overwhelming desire to come back. Why did you have to make it complicated. We could have had it all. We could have had our happily ever after & been so in love the rest of our lives. Built our family. Laughed cried & argued only to come together & hug it out at the end for the rest of our days. But you threw it all away & i’ll never know how someone could say their soulmate wasnt good enough. How someone could mistake peace & connection for anything that isnt love. Trade away all that for the simple high of being on an emotional up & down with someone who gives you butterflies but ultimately never came close to loving you the way i did. I’m fairly confident you don’t even ask yourself these questions. Let alone think about it. Writing it all out helps tho. I need to hear the things i think about as though someone else was saying it to me. I won’t bend this time. I won’t give in & come find you. You had so many chances & fucked it up every single time. You can spend the rest of your time figuring out how to get back to me. But i won’t wait around for it anymore, I’m going to keep pressing on & trying to grow into who i was meant to be. I honestly still don’t know but every passing day i feel more & more like its not life of grandeur but a life of small significant interactions with key people that will help culminate into a better world. I will be part of the flaps from the butterfly that ultimately move the world towards a better tomorrow. As to how i don’t know. But i have a lifetime to figure it out. I want to hate you. I do. But god i miss you & hate myself for wishing you would just run away with me & start a life with me that will produce an eternity of happiness. I love you in ways neither of us or anyone could ever understand. I want to leave candles behind that will help you become a better person, even if i never get to see it. Maybe this is our final chapter of separation? We came together too immature to hold together & fell apart. We came together again once i was in a much more stable position & you were so turbulent it ruined us again. Maybe now is the time we learn to be each other. I learn to be you & embrace your side of our coin so i can appreciate & partake in the things you love. You learn to be me & embrace my side so you can understand & connect with me & the things i love. Whatever the case is at this point, this was the only way. You really did not value how much i strived to stay around. You need to really feel the loss the way i did. Only then do i think we have a chance at overcoming the damage thats been done. It might not be too late for us. We won’t know until years from now. So why do i still feel like its still a matter of when itll happen & not if? Lets hope no one beats us to the punch. That being said, you need to hurry up & get your shit together. I can only stall this train for so long.

[floatinginwords]

Saved by the Devil (9/?) - Tommy Shelby

Summary: Reader goes to visit tommy at his office (sorry im bad at summaries lol)

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x fem!reader (Its getting romantic i promise. slowly but surely)

A/n:  sorry this took so long to post and make. Semester is already kicking my ass and making me stress. Hope you enjoy and have a fantastic night. 

It had been a week since you’ve seen Thomas. Since you told him that you wanted to help him. At first, he was very confused. He had expected you to be angry with him or maybe even cry. But you had asked to help assassinate a general with him.

 “Im not getting you involved”

 You ignored him already piecing together what the plan might be, “You wrote down, 23-24 seconds? Your gonna kill this guy in that a mount of time with a guard outside and possible more inside. Plus the guy fought so he’ll know self defense…” You had begun rambling and he was just baffled.

 “Stop.” He told you, you were making some good points but he didn’t want to bring you in this mess. It was his alone that he must face.

 Before the two of you can argue any further, Ada called for him. A phone call she had said. He left you room and never came back. And that was a week ago. You annoyingly asked her everyday and night when he was to return. Now that you knew of the plans and what he was involved in, you couldn’t just let it go. It was dangerous, you knew that. It wasn’t your run of the mill assassination. You don’t know how Thomas was going it on his own or how he even planned on doing it. You had heard the Inspectors words. You know that that held animosity toward the peaky blinder. You can hear in his voice, you felt it in his punches. There was no way that he would give him everything he promised. Thomas needed to be one step ahead of the game. Which you were already conducting for him. You weren’t sleeping as much at night anymore anyway so writing down every scenario and idea you had. And then when that week was done you had it.

 “Ada, Ada, ada.” You ran through the halls calling for her.

 “What is it?” She asks coming out of her sons bedroom, probably fishing tucking him in for the night.

 “Your home in Birmingham, I need the address. Or the pub your brother owns.” You say to her with paper and pencil in hand ready to write down what she tells you.

 “Why?” Ada raises an eyebrow before passing you to go to her own room. You follow her.

 “Ada please.”

 “Why are your trying to see my brother? Didn’t you tell me you weren’t gonna work for him?”

 “I never said that.”

 “What do you like him or something?” Ada fake gags at her own words. Your cheeks warm a little bit but you keep a serious face as you tap the pencil to the paper.

 “Its not like that.”

 She stares at you long and hard. “I called him for help when you never came home. The man rushed over here like you wouldn’t believe.”

 “Ada, an address.”

 “ (y/n) your my friend and hes also my brother I just-“

 “Its just business.” You scoff at her.

 She sighs, “He had someone about a year ago. She was the barmaid at the pub.”

 “I’m not interested in your brothers history.” You can feel your temper rising at this topic jumping she was doing to you. It wasn’t about what she was implying at all. You wanted to help him that was all. You didn’t care about who he was with years ago or even now.

 “You are in his whereabouts.”

 You bite the inside of your cheek. Ada tilts her head and smiles, thinking she’s got you. You turn around ready to leave to your room when she finally spills the address for you.

 ***************************************************************

You stood outside the building where Ada told you was Thomas’s office. You hoped he was there to hear you out. You were going to try to convince him but you had no certainty that you would succeed. You walked inside to find a bunch of woman inside talking.  One was short and very pregnant, the other tall and slender and the last one a bit older but looked the scariest out of all of them. They stopped talking as soon as you entered.

 “Umm excuse me…” You stuttered under their judging glares “Im looking for Thomas Shelby.”

 At first none of them say anything. They continue to stare at you. You meet the older ones eyes. You regret it instantly as you feel a fearful shudder go down your spine. That was a woman you did not want to mess with.

 “What do you need with mr. Shelby?” the tall one asks

 “Look at her Liz, what do you think she’s here for to take your place,” the pregnant one snickers.

“Shut up Esme.” The older one says.

 “I just wanted to talk…if he’s not here….” You trail off.

 A door in the back opens and out walks the devil himself. He glances up expecting only the three woman from himself maybe Michael or Finn and instead finding one more woman amongst the group; you.

 “(Y/n).” he simply states putting his hands in his pockets.

 You don’t say anything observing how awkward and tense you feel with these women.

 The older one speaks up, “Is this how your getting my son out of jail, Tommy. By fucking some whore?” She spats at him venom filling her voice.

 You’re about to speak up for yourself when Thomas opens his mouth first.

 “She’s not a whore, Polly. And Michael will be out soon. (Y/n) step inside..” He gestures for you to go in to his office. You feel very heavy under all their stares as you walk. You remember the name Michael. He was the young boy at the horse auction you had met.

 Thomas closes the door after you. You sit down crossing your legs and lacing your fingers together. Thomas sat next to you on the chair rather than across.

 “You’re looking better.” He says noticing the bruises on your face were fading.

 “Thank you,” You say, “They seemed on edge, is everything all right?”

 “That’s just the way they are.” He says.  

 You don’t say anything and just stare him. You knew he was lying. He chokes under your gaze.

 “Arthur and Michael are in jail. I’m working on it though.” He says swallowing hard. You didn’t press further, you could tell he was having a rough time.

 “I hope it works out.” You say, you clear your throat and adjust your self on the chair, “You shouldn’t kill the general at his house.” You spit out.

 “Jesus Christ Woman.” He says shaking his head.

 “Hear me out.” You plead.

 “Why do you want to do this?”

 You ignore him. Instead you tell him your whole plan. How he could kill two birds with one stone.

 “If your still going to Epsom, you can get Sabini. Maybe not kill him but screw him over. Are you still seeing May?”

 He nods.

 “Good you probably already know she’s got influence on the board. You use that to your advantage when you take Sabini men licenses. You go through her to get your men to what they need. Then the races are yours.”

 “How will we burn their licenses when theres fukin police everywhere.

 “They wont be around when they hear gunshots.”

 He takes a moment letting your words and plan sink in. He rubs his lip.

“We could burn the license’s gonna have to threaten them to take it,” He says muttering to himself, “The general why would he even go there?”

 The two of you talk for hours inside that little office of his. Drinking and talking of the plan. He tried to shut it down multiple times, trying to get you think twice about getting involved. But your mind was already made up. He seemed to like you idea, adding on to yours and even sharing details of the private mission of to you. It was like a weight lifted off his shoulders as he told you the how he had even gotten involved in this political mess.  Soon the drinks clouded both your minds and it was no longer business that you were just talking about.

 “So what you want out of this?”

 “You said the government involved right with this…the prime minister knows what your doing?”

 “Aye…”

 “Then maybe he could get me a new name or-“

 “Why do you need that?” He asks you

 “You can never live just one life…” You smile trying to joke.

 He stares at you intently, “Why did your father lock you up in that place?”

 Your smiles drops, he notices it his eyes softening just a bit. “Sorry, it just came up in my head.”

 “Do  I sound crazy to you or something?”

 “Its just a question ive had in my head for awhile. Its none of my business.” He stares at you deeply.

 “No its not,” You say softly, “I don’t know why he put me there either. Maybe cause he could. I mean I never asked him.”

 “So when you get your new name what are you gonna do? Ride out in the hills, find a husband, push a few kids.”

 You laugh at him, he smiles when the sound hits his ears. “You should smile more, Mr.Shelby.”

 “Tommy. Why do you call me by my last name.”

 “Its too make sure you don’t get comfortable. This,” you gesture to the two of you, “is strictly business.”

 “Why of course. Another drink?” He asks getting up for more whiskey. You nod. Your cheeks were flushed and head dizzy. You were beginning to forget what self control was. You mouth moving before you can even comprehend your next thought.

 “Ada told me how you had someone last year.”

 He stops pouring the drinks to look at you. His back stiff and free hand curled into a fist.

 You continue talking, not looking at him. You weren’t looking at nothing in particular really. “I never had anyone.” His figure relaxes when he looks you more closely. Your body a bit limp, eyes glossy, your speech a bit slurred. You didn’t hold your liquor too good.

 “What else did Ada say?”

 You giggle remembering. Ada thinking you had a thing for her brother. How ludicrous! You glance toward the man, a little smirk resting on his pink lips and head tilting toward you. His blue eyes shining at you with an emotion you couldn’t quite detect. A strange feeling flutters in your stomach. You stop giggling and clear your throat.

“I think I should go. It was good talking to you.” You stand up way too fast. You begin to see black spots all over and the loss of balance.

 ‘Fuck’ you think to yourself, thinking about how your gonna embarrass

yourself falling to the floor.

 But then you feel a pair of hands grab at your arms and spin you around. You fall into Mr.Shelbys chest and for a moment he holds you there. And for that moment you smelled the cologne and whisky on his clothes. You felt the calluses on his rough hands against your soft skin. You felt the slight beating of his heart in his chest. You think if you look up you’ll get to see if the blues in his eyes are as clear as you think em to be.

 But the moment is gone an you both step away from each other, awkwardly. You swaying on your feet trying to regain balance and him hitting the drawer behind him.

 “You shouldn’t go home at this time (Y/N)” he finally says deciding to ignore what just happened. Which was fine with you. You felt very nervous all of a sudden and very, very confused.

 “Come with me.” He says taking you by the crook of your elbow and leading you out of the building. You didn’t want to admit that you liked the way it felt when he had grabbed you and the two of you walked out together, you couldn’t help but think of when and if he would do it again.

Read Pt.10

Tags

@captivatedbycillianmurphy @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @evelyn-4034

@ms-dont-care

#peaky blinders #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby x you #tommy shelby #peaky blinder fanfic

[theheartsmistakes]

The Last Night Part XXII

(Author’s Notes at the end)

Parts I-XXI:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Here is Part XII

Part XIII

Part XIV

Part XV

Part XVI

Part XVII

Part XVIII

Part XIX

Part XX

Part XXI

.XXII.

“Lucie!” Her father’s voice came from the other side of the door as it cracked open inviting in a warm light that chased away the darkness from inside Lucie’s bedroom. Lucie, being only five years old should have been asleep hours ago, but was sitting up in bed with her old stuffed rabbit in her lap, and both hands firmly clamped over her ears.

Will, dressed in his white stocking pajamas, his black hair a mess of tangled curls stepped into the room. “Lucie, I heard voices-- what’s the matter?”

Lucie uncovered her ears and slowly opened her eyes as her father walked into the hazy moonlight that came in through the oval window like a dramatic spotlight. “They won’t stop whispering at me, Papa.”

“Who?” Will looked around her room. “Is someone else in here?”

Lucie nodded.

“Where?” Will demanded.

“They’re not here now,” said Lucie. “You frightened them off, but they wouldn’t stop whispering to me.”

A strange recognition filled Will’s expression. He walked over to Lucie’s side of the bed and climbed in beside her. “Is that so?”

She nodded. “They can be so loud. I think they just want someone to talk to, and I don’t mind, but I want to sleep.”

Will smiled. “As you should be. What do these visitors say?”

Lucie played with the silk ear of her rabbit. “They mostly just say my name. Whisper it over and over again, like they can’t say anything more. Are they ghosts?”

Will nodded. “Yes, I think so.”

“How come I can see them?”

“Because you’re a Herondale,” said Will, proudly. “All Herondales can see ghosts.”

Lucie contemplated this for a moment to the best ability of her still developing five year old brain. “So even James and Mam?”

“Only James, not Mam,” explained Will. “Mam was a Grey before she was a Herondale. It’s hard to understand, but you will.” He tilted her chin up with his finger. “Only born Herondales have this particular talent.”

“And devilishly good looks,” parroted Lucie.

Will barked a laugh. “Exactly.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “They’re nothing to be frightened of. They can’t hurt you. They’re just looking for a friend. Now, you go to sleep and if these ghosts visit you again, you remind them that your bedtime is seven-thirty and if they’d like to visit you it must be before then.”

Lucie nodded and slid down beneath the thick comforter. Will tucked Lucie in all around until she resembled a log underneath a fancy blanket. With his white slippers shuffling along the floor, Will left the room and closed the door behind him.

For a moment, her room was quiet and she thought her father might have chased the last of the voices away.

When she was almost asleep, she felt a cold breath of air against her cheek.

Lucie.

Lucie.

LUCIE!

The whispering could be heard even as she folded a pillow over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut. They continued until finally she sat up and yelled into the void, “BE QUIET!”

The voices went out in a whoosh like a candle being snuffed. Nothing could be heard except for the grandfather clock’s ticking on the wall in the hall and the crickets chirping in the warm summer’s air outside. With a curt nod, Lucie closed her eyes and fell asleep.

“Good,” said Belial as he stood from the bed. “You received my message.”

Lucie’s eyes flickered to Grace cowering in the corner beside her mother. Tears stained Grace’s face and her chin shook with more to come as she looked apologetically at Lucie.

“What have you done?” Lucie whispered.

“I had no choice,” said Grace. “He was going to kill my Mum and he would never bring Jesse back. I wouldn’t be left alone— not again.”

Blood boiled in Lucie’s cheeks. “You really think he’ll uphold his promise? He’s about as reliable as a trained lion. He’ll get what he wants from you and then tear your face off.”

“What do you know of it?” Snapped Tatiana Blackthorn. “You’ve been handed things your whole life. Blessed. You’ve no idea what it means to lose something you love.” She turned her attention to Belial. “I’ve done everything you’ve asked. I killed seven innocent souls, I’ve released six demons from captivity using Shadowhunter blood, and I’ve brought you the girl. Now, return my son and we’ll be on our way. You can do what you wish with her.”

Belial blinked lazily.

Lucie hadn’t noticed before since her focus was entirely on the prince of hell lounging on Grace’s chiffon bed. The two women broke apart like curtains and resting behind them, on the bench beneath the window like he’d fallen asleep reading a book, was Jesse’s body.

Lucie gasped and took a marginal step closer to him, but stopped.

Death begets death begets death. You cannot take from death without giving to death first and sometimes it takes more than its share.

“Grace!” Lucie reached forward.

Belial snapped his fingers and Tatiana’s body crumpled to the floor with a sickening crack. Her neck lolled to the side like a broken stick. Grace screamed and fell back against the wall behind her just as Jesse gasped from the window seat.

Limbs flailed around as if he were trying to save himself from drowning until he fell to the floor on his hands and knees gasping for breath in lungs that haven’t been used in years. Lucie thought she could hear his heart beating until she realized it was her own. He sat up and clutched his chest, his blue, green eyes darted frantically around the room.

Grace fell to the floor beside him. “Jesse, it’s alright. It’s alright!”

Jesse wouldn’t look at her. His eyes locked on Lucie. “No, what have you done.”

“I haven’t done anything,” said Lucie.

“Then why are you here?” His face turned red in the cheeks. “I told you specifically not to come. Damn it, Lucie, why didn’t you listen.”

Lucie moved back a step. “I did listen. I came here to tell Grace that I no longer wanted to be a part of our agreement. I came here to tell her that I was giving up. I thought I was honoring your wishes. How was I to know that he was waiting here for me?”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t believe me,” groaned Jesse. “I thought you’d think I was bluffing to keep you from trying.”

Lucie scoffed. “And look how well your dishonesty worked out.”

Grace cried over their dead mother and clutched at her thick collar in a feeble attempt to wake her up.

“Enough,” said Belial, growing bored of the exchange in front of him. “I have upheld my bargain. It’s time for us to go.”

“No!” Jesse tried to stand. Belial cocked his head and Jesse fell back against Grace.

“Another move and I’ll kill you again, this time with no chance of return.” Belial’s eyes flickered over to Lucie. “I’ve realized I’ve been going about this the wrong way. I tried to capture the Carstairs girl thinking that she would get you to join me, but she’s far too much trouble. No, there was another pawn hiding right underneath my nose. The Blackthorn boy. It didn’t occur to me until you came to visit Grace and asked for her assistance in bringing him back. She was a good pet and delivered the message to Tatiana who in turn delivered the message to me.”

Lucie glared at Grace with her arms wrapped around Jesse’s shoulders. But how could she blame her? If the tables were reversed and it was James she was trying to revive, she might have done the same. No, she was positive she would have done the same. She’d allowed Jesse to give his last breath to her brother to save his life. In the end, she had been willing to give something up for the life of someone she loved. She could not fault Grace that.

“I’m not going with you,” she said. “The entire clave will be here shortly and you’ll be banished back to whatever level of hell you came from.”

Belial grinned. Despite herself, Lucie found it quite a charming smile. “Wonderful. A family reunion. It’s been so long since I’ve spoken to my daughter. I’ve wondered how she fared all these years.”

“She fared nicely without the likes of you,” said Lucie, cursing herself for not bringing a short blade or at least a couple of throwing knives. She’d left in such a rush, she didn’t find a need. Her uncle was notorious for hiding weapons about the manor. Her aunt was always cursing him about it when they were children and Christopher or Anna would somehow wander down the hallway with a curve blade in their chubby little hands.

The hallway, Lucie nearly gasped as she remembered the cross blades hanging in the hallway.

The door behind her remained open. Only a few steps back and she could make a break for it and at least have a chance at defending herself.

“I wouldn’t try it if I were you,” said Belial, tucking his hands into his pockets. “Not unless you want me to start breaking bones in their bodies starting with the smallest.” He raised on his hands and folded his fingers. The door slammed behind Lucie and she heard the faint sound of the lock. “We don’t have much time. I have a very short window back into my realm and we’ll need to be going now. That is if you want your friends to live.”

“Lucie.” Jesse fought against Grace��s hold. “Do not go with him. I’m not meant to be here. I’m not meant to be alive.”

“How rude,” said Belial. “Do you have any idea how hard your mother and sister worked to bring you back to life. The least you could do is be more grateful.”

“If I go with you,” said Lucie. “If I agree to do what you ask, you’ll promise to leave them alone?”

“You have my word,” grinned Belial and extended his hand towards Lucie.

Every instinct drove her to pull away, to run, but then some stronger instinct took control, and of their own free will her fingers closed round Belial’s. Heat seared down and through her, swift as wildfire chased by wind, and as it moved she felt something strong and heavy wrap around her waist.

Her connection broke with Belial as she was dragged back to the center of the room. She turned her neck and looked up.

“Thomas?”

His face was contorted in rage as he yelled over his shoulder to the hallway, “Now!”

A figure dressed in Shadowhunter gear stepped into the room. Lucie didn’t recognize him at first as his face was hidden behind a curtain of black hair.  A spear flew from his hand towards Belial.

Before she could even blink, it’d somehow stopped inches from Belial’s chest, and shot back at the shadow hunter with blinding speed impaling the person in the chest and pinned them to the wall like a collected insect.

It wasn’t until then that Lucie caught a glimpse of the face against the wall. Mouth open and eyes glossy as he stared down at the stick protruding from his chest was Alastair.

A/N: Hope you all are well! Good news, next update is coming in just a short seven days, Dec 13. You know the drill: hit that like, share, leave me comment, and follow along for more updates. Stay safe and stay healthy!

#thelastnight #jordelia fanfiction #james x cordelia #james and Cordelia #james herondale #Cordelia Carstairs #Lucie x Jesse #lucie herondale #jesse blackthorn #chain of gold #Chain of Iron #chain of gold fanfic #cassandra clare #the shadowhunter chronicles

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Bakugo x reader where he’s a single dad and just started dating again so he’s nervous the whole time between you and his daughter

Bubbles

This was his third date he had gone on that Izuku set him up on. ‘This one is different’ he said . They were all ‘different’ and all not worth his time. These dates not only needed to impress him but his daughter, Thea, too. And he was not going to bring some random woman around his daughter every friday night. Fuck no. Thea was his life, she had just turned 7 and still had no quirk . He accepted it , he was relieved actually, he did not want her to have his quirk.

Thea was the opposite of Bakugou, she was quiet and had gotten timid after her mom walked out. She already felt weird being quirkless and not having a mother just added to it. She was different to the other kids.

The weeks went on. And every Friday night Izuku got an earful over the phone about his latest matchmaking . “No, I'm done Deku. This is bullshit.”

“Kaachan maybe..”

“I said no.”

“Just one more . Kaachan please. I promise on All Might.”

Bakugou was quiet for a minute , his eyes wandering to Thea, she was asleep on the couch hugging one of his gauntlet pillows. He squeezed the phone turning away. “I'm going to beat you to a pulp if this is bullshit, Deku”

“You wont regret this Kaachan.”

Bakugou hung up and walked over to the couch hunched over. He picked Thea up bringing her to her bed.

••

It was actually not bad. You laughed at his jokes, agreed on a couple things. And could even throw his attitude back at him. He even smirked a smile halfway through the date .

Bakugou gave you his number and instead of giving Izuku a earful he just went home, relieving Kirishima of his babysitting duties and snuggled his daughter on the couch.

Bakugou was a little calmer now that he met you, his patrolls went smoother and he did not scare any of the kids when he picked Thea up from school.

You also sent him funny memes during the day and his angry react made your whole day. He sent you one back one day though. It was a cat and a microphone was being held to it and it said ‘Sir? Are you aware that you are a cat?’ And the bottom picture was the cat but surprised. The amount of heart emojis he got back made him crack a smile and take a screenshot.

••

After the fifth date he decided to have a talk with Thea about you. He picked Thea up from school putting her on his shoulders and walked the long way home.

“Daddy the house is not this way” she tapped his head.

Bakugou held her legs tight , he was nervous, and blinking. “Thea, stop hitting my head. I need to talk to you about something.” He turned into the park sitting on a bench putting Thea on his knee.

“Is it about my quirkless-ness again?”

“Thea.. no.” He brushed her ashy blond hair back and pulled off his emergency hair tie on his wrist, he fished her hair back while he talked. “Being quirkless is perfectly okay. But we need to talk about something else.”

“Kay.” She pulled a strand of hair forward and Bakugou pulled it back , she pulled it forward again and Bakugou tipped her chin to him , eyebrow twitching. She giggled grinning at him.

He groaned, pulling the rest of her hair back. “Ive been dating, i'm sure you know by now.”

“When Uncle Kiri comes over right?”

“Yes” he gave her a high ponytail and ran his fingers through it to help straighten it. “I've been on a couple dates with one girl. And it's been going good, i think.”

Thea watched her father with huge eyes and it just made him squirm all over. “Thea, do you want to meet her?”

Thea looked down at her hair running her hands over it thinking. Bakugous throat felt like it had not had a drink in weeks and his heart felt like he just ran a 10k AND fought a villain all on the same day. It was a very hard question, this was his daughter. His only happiness in this stupid world.

“Daddy?”

He blinked and pulled her close. “Yes Thea?”

“I .. wanna meet her but.. i'm nervous.”

“Nervous about what?”

Thea looked up at her father, the Number 1 Hero in the world. Mr Ground Zero himself. Feared no villain, the man who left his mark on UA with a smile on his face.

“Will mommy get upset if i like her?”

Everything felt like it crashed down for Bakugou at that moment. For a second it felt like he could not hear anything, could not feel anything. He was numb.

“Daddy?” She poked at his chest.

Bakugou glanced down at her and wrapped both arms around her a little too tight. “Thea, mommy is..” fuck.. he laid his head on her shoulder listening to her talk. “Mommy does not write to me anymore, is she upset ?”

He straightened out sitting her on his knee facing him, took in a deep breath and let it go.

“Mommy moved on Thea. She did not want to be with us anymore.” He wanted to die. “I was waiting till you were older but.” He rubbed her cheek. “Mommy is a villain now , that's why she has not written you any letters, Thea.”

“But mommy was a Hero..”

Bakugou got up with his daughter in his arms. “I know Thea.” He rubbed her head , his ears ringing from her sniffling. “I know.”

••

The next few days were hard for both of them. Thea was not taking the truth well and Bakugou slipped back into his angry ways. He stopped responding to your texts and it worried you. So you showed up at his route with a bento and forced him to sit down for a second to eat.

“Tell me what's up Katsu.”

“My daughter, shes fine with meeting you , but then she asked me if it would upset her mother.”

The little cat cookie fell out of your chopstick and you just stared at him.

“ so i had to tell her the truth about her mother.”

He snatched the chop sticks digging into the bento.

“Katsuki.. she's quirkless right?”

He looked up and you wiped his chin for him.

“Yes.”

You looked down at your hand watching the little bubbles float out of it, your attention was brought back to Bakugou when he grabbed your wrist making a big bubble burst.

“If you dont want to then we -“

You shook your head . “I want to meet her. I want to help. Anyway i can.”

He leaned on you groaning and you fed him the cat cookie. “This is all too much for a kid her age.”

“You're telling me..” he spat out pulling you closer.

••

The day finally came and Bakugou was pacing around his living room while Thea was on the couch coloring . He was a nervous wreck. Did he still have time to back out?

The doorbell rang.

Fuck, guess not.

Thea looked up from her Heroes coloring book and Bakugou stomped to the door letting you in and leading you to the couch to sit . Thea never took her eyes off you but she did scoot to the far end of the couch, slip off and go behind her father's legs.

“Hey, no.” He moved and Thea followed him making him groan.

“Thea?” You said getting off the couch and kneeling by the little girl. “Its nice to meet you, my name is y/n”

She peaked and Bakugou moved back grabbing her shoulders and crouching down to hold her.

“Your.. Ms Bubble…” she quietly said.

You smiled holding a hand out to her. “I am! Its nice to meet you!”

Thea reached out and Bakugou watched closely only for Thea to turn away and hide in her father's neck. Bakugou was about to get angry but you held both hands up mouthing ‘ its okay’ to him.

Bakugou eased up and rubbed his face with his free hand giving you a long stare.

You sat down criss cross and motioned for Bakugou to leave. He gestured to his daughter and you made a fist punching your palm quietly. He grinded his teeth at your cheap threat and got up walking into the kitchen, hands in his pockets.

Thea got half way to the kitchen when a bubble got her attention, she held her hands out catching it and looked back at you. You smiled and made a few more watching her walk over to you and sit down.

••

Thea did not say much and she did not have to. Her sitting with you was a big first step, for everyone. She sat with you for a couple hours, watching you make bubbles and letting her stack them into a tower. Inch by inch she got closer to you but still had her guard up .

It was maybe a half hour later and the house had bubbles everywhere. Thea was sitting in front of you with a bubble in her hand and you had her hair in your hands making it into a braid. Bakugou was at the kitchen table watching completely dumbfounded. You stuck your tongue out at him.

#bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou #bubblesfic #holiday 2020

[cienie-isengardu]

The development of Law’s relationship with Zoro - Part 4: Dressrosa, The Breaking Point (Aftermath)

<<Part I: Before Meeting>> <<Part II: Sabaody Archipelago, The First Meeting>> <<Part III: Punk Hazard, The Alliance (A)>> <<Part III: Punk Hazard, The Alliance (B)>>  <<Part IV: Dressrosa, The Breaking Point (The Plan Failed)__ (Saving Law)__(Protecting Law)__ (Birdcage, Pica and Doflamingo)__ (Aftermath)>>

Even though admiral Issho alongside with his men officially apologized to King Riku and the citizens, the king made sure the “outlaws” were hidden from marines. Straw Hats, Law, Bellamy and Kyros ended sheltered in Kyros’s home where he once lived with Scarlet and little Rebecca. First time in a long time, the allied pirates were together again. In the night, Sabo visited the house, but beside Zoro, Franky and Robin, everyone was sleeping. The four had a talk about Sabo’s past and the best time to leave Dressrosa before marines will attack them.

Law’s sleep position was much more relaxed and open than the one from the beginning of Dressrosa arc (chapter 794).  Maybe it was just the result of total exhaustion and injuries or maybe Law, after so long of stressing and worrying, finally could relax knowing that A) Doflamingo was in marine custody thus no longer a threat and B) he was safe around Straw Hats.

The available room was small but Law could choose any spot to sleep. Instead, he was shown lying close to drinking Zoro (by frame layout alone, again in between Roronoa and sleeping on bed Luffy, this time without any danger around). Zoro most likely planned to stay awake through the whole night for security measures (he has this habit of sleeping just 3 hours per night after all) and taught by experience, Law didn’t have any reason to doubt that if attacked, the swordsman would protect him, the same as he did during battle. 

Law didn’t even bother to pretend he was cautious or wary, he simply slept, trusting allies to take care of their safety.

With Zoro, Franky and Robin being the only one awake, there is a high probability they talked about the latest events. How their fights went, what they learned, what to focus on, what to watch out for in the future with angered Kaido as the next goal on alliance’s list. It’s hard to tell for sure if Robin told others about Law’s choice to stay behind and whether in victory or death, share Luffy’s fate. On one hand, it was a choice made under strong emotions, trauma and even the feel of responsibility for Straw Hat’s wellbeing. A choice made because of very personal matters. On second hand, exactly because it happened under such pressure it was the most sincere side of Law Robin had a chance to see for herself. She and Zoro are the least trusting members of the crew and that night was the best moment to discuss in detail what happened and in the process dispel any remaining doubts about Law as their ally. Both saw his determination and fighting spirit, knew he saved their crew members and kept Luffy out of harm's way despite his own injuries and finally, both had some understanding of Law’s hidden goal in Doffy’s destruction. They may not know the whole truth, just the nature of it, but that was enough because Trafalgar did not betray them. And well, he had the suicide feel about himself what could raise some concerns about him too. 

I personally think such talk could happen that night, when memories of battle were still fresh in their mind and everyone out cold beside the three of them. The exchange of information could be another reason for the change in Zoro’s behaviour.

For the three days, the Straw Hat-Heart alliance was left in peace by marines. Once again Law was exposed to Luffy’s antics but this time Zoro acted in a more open way, even showing his more usual irritation at other people’s odd behaviour, including his own captain:

Interestingly, there is a visible shift in the arrangement of characters positions - during battle it was usually Zoro-Luffy-Law and the dynamic changed mainly in face of danger. Now with upcoming frames somehow Law was put more often in the middle between the other Supernovas. Even though Trafalgar still kept some tangible distance from others, judging by their (not so strictly stoic anymore) behaviour, it seems like he and Zoro were now more comfortable around each other.

Then the navy finally made its move against pirates. Unlike Usopp, Zoro and Law didn’t show any distress. Bartolomeo and other fighters prepared themselves for such an occasion by securing for Luffy’s group a safe escape route. Instead of running away with his friends, Luffy decided to visit Rebecca - now a princess - and confront her about her family matters. 

Zoro reminded Luffy they don’t have time, so he better get it done quick while the rest will wait in eastern port...

and then again, run in the wrong direction.

At this point, Law may have a good suspicion about Zoro’s no sense of orientation (chapter 797). And who knows, maybe he ran alongside Zoro (on picture below, behind Kinemon and Robin), to make sure the infamous Pirate Hunter did not wander unexpectedly somewhere else… that, or both planned to linger behind and secure the group retreat.

The fellow fighters came to their aid, keeping marines far away from Straw Hats. At the same time, Law disappeared without a word, to find and confront recently arrived on the island Sengoku (unless he did mention his intention to Zoro, while they ran side by side??). Frankly, the manga did not provide the reaction of Zoro nor any other member of Straw Hat crew to Law’s disappearance, so it’s impossible to say if they were worried about him or simply trusted in his strength to return on his own on time.

Meeting with Sengoku was one of the most important breaking points for Law. As it turned out, the former fleet admiral treated Donquixote Rosinante - Law’s savior - as a son. And for thirteen years did not understand why his beloved son didn’t follow the order to stay away from Minion Island. 

“One day… a soldier I knew died. He was someone I cared about, someone who meant something to me. I took him in as a boy… and treated him like a son… He was as honest and upright a person as I ever knew… and a valuable, trustworthy subordinate. But there was one time, just once in his life, that he lied to me. I had been betrayed… but there must have been a reason for it. Four things disappeared in the chaos of that fateful day. The Barrels Pirates, the life of my subordinate, the Ope-Ope fruit… and a boy with White Lead disease who was with the Donquixote Family at the time.”

Law admitted he was the boy and confirmed that Rosinante left his post and died because of him. Admitted also he didn’t know if the way he lived was what Cora wanted.

First time in 13 years, Law was assured that there wasn’t any hidden goal in Cora’s decision to save him. The man saw a dying, hurt child with the spark of his brother’s madness and decided Law was worth loving and dying for. It was unconditional love, without any “if” or “but”. The “D.” name and the usefulness of Ope Ope no Mi did not matter. Even stopping Doflamingo meant then little. The only thing Rosinante wanted was to save Law and make him finally free. Sengoku literally told Law to not “attach a reason to the love you’ve received”. 

Apparently, english “I love you” does not carry the whole meaning of the original phrase “Aishiteruze (愛してるぜ)”. Rosinante’s declaration was along the “I can’t live without you” level of loving someone (x). Now, after so many years of hiding from Donquixote Pirates, planning and scheming and living just to kill Cora’s murderer, Law finally understood the depths of Rosinante’s love. The breaking point is that: Law at last knows (accepts) he was unconditionally loved and now, is free from Doflamingo for good. He can allow himself to finally live without doubts and regrets the way he wants, without a sense of failing some unknown to him expectations. And I think, to some degree, it is the reason why Law’s secretive / introverted behavior changed into a more open, relaxed act around Zoro and Straw Hats. Because he finally could relax, be comfortable with himself. 

Due to danger from admiral Issho, Law couldn’t spend more time with Sengoku and had to run to the rendezvous point. Surprising, no Straw Hats waited for him (in the sense, weren’t shown in the frame). Even more surprising is the lack of Zoro between former colosseum fighters in the frontline of the fight. Anyway, Luffy showed up soon after Law but instead of dodging the blind admiral, attacked him. Because to be Pirate King he must face everyone: Warlords, Admirals and Emperors and beat them down.

Zoro in general agreed with Luffy’s reasoning (chapter 799) but did not exactly understand the way Luffy fought against Issho, telling his blind opponent what kind of attack he was going to use. The admiral himself was very surprised by that too, but ultimately accepted and even respected Luffy’s weirdness. In the end, Issho managed to send Luffy flying - what happened to be a favorable circumstance for allied fighters. They catched Luffy and despite Straw Hat’s protest, dragged him to safety. Zoro was happy about that too, but for a different reason - he wanted to take Luffy’s place to fight with a powerful enemy. Bartolomeo thankfully managed to stop the battle-lusting warrior.

Law’s reaction to that event wasn’t shown but once again he had a chance to see Zoro’s insanity when it came to fighting a strong enemy. Zoro and Luffy in that regard were very similar to each other. 

Straw Hats-Heart alliance finally got on ship, the Yanta Maria and with the help of people of Dressrosa (who under the pretext of chasing the pirates away, were actually protecting them from the admiral's deadly attack), the alliance sailed away safely. 

Zoro and Law's reaction to Yanta Maria was visibly distinctive from pleasant shock of others (open jaws). Zoro smiled, Law, judging by the frown, looked unimpressive. Both their reactions were more quiet and toned down.

On the ship, Bartolomeo and fellow fighters asked Luffy to drink with them “cups of Father and Sons”, to officially accept them as his underlings.

Luffy of course refused, because he A) didn’t like alcohol and B) didn’t want to be captain of such a big fleet. Zoro warned his allies they wasted time trying to change Straw Hat’s mind (and to just give the sake to him). Yet the fighters were ready to force Luffy into accepting the drink. Further Luffy’s explanation only confused everyone (beside Straw Hats) even more. Including Law.

And then Law’s attention immediately turned to Zoro, who, taking advantage of the opportunity, started drinking sake from Luffy’s cup to Usopp’s displeasure.

Finally, Luffy managed to explain his reasoning:

“If I ever think we’re in trouble… I’ll shout for your help. Then you can come save us! I don’t have to be a boss or a great pirate, right?!  If you’re in trouble, call for us!! We’ll come and help you!!! I won’t forget about how we fought Mingo together!!

And the Seven Leaders admired and accepted Straw Hat’s decision. But since Luffy was all about freedom, they simply followed his example. Whether Luffy liked it or not, they decided on their own to make him their boss.

Law thus witnessed the founding of the Great Fleet of Straw Hats. And yet, somehow it looked like he was more interested in Zoro’s drinking sake behind Luffy’s back.

When party started, everyone celebrated their great victory (chapter 800):

Luffy, like always, was in the centre of everything. Law, though smiling, kept his distance from Zoro and other partying people. But soon after that Law’s personal space was invaded by Zoro.

The anime expanded this little moment, first showing Zoro approaching Law sitting alone, asking to join the rest. And then, ignoring any protests, just threw his arm around the other man’s neck. Law’s face spoke how much he minded such treatment and had no dignity about that:

During parties, Zoro always spent his time sharing alcohol with people who fought side by side with him (Paulie, Water 7/Enies Lobby) or actually were his opponents (Braham, Skypiea). Zoro didn’t have a habit of forcing people to drink with him or asking (introverted) person who clearly wanted to be alone to join the bigger group. He himself rarely joined larger groups and usually just sat somewhere far from the noise with a few people around. So, Zoro most likely understood Law's isolation since he used to do so himself. Here though he was the one invading Law’s personal space and not giving a damn if the man was happy about it or not. On second thought, if Law didn’t want to join the others, it made sense for Zoro to join him. In a sense, it could be Zoro’s way to break the ice between them. What is even more interesting, considering the palpate distance he kept from Law at the beginning of the story. The second important detail - Law could easily get out of that situation by using Ope Ope no Mi powers. A simple switch of the places and he would be free for good. Yet Law remained, despite how awkward and/or outside of his comfort zone it was.

We may only wonder what made Zoro act in such an uncommon way. Was that respect for Law forged in the heat of battle? Did it bother him that Law after everything was done, still isolated himself? Did it look like Law felt discomfort to be around people he barely knew or interacted with and who all pledged loyalty only to Straw Hats, thus Zoro decided to keep him company? 

Zoro initiating physical contact in itself is an uncommon occurrence. Because as much as Straw Hats pirates  can - and will - invade Zoro’s personal space, Roronoa is not exactly the  type of person open to such contact. Once again, the shift between the beginning (visible distancing) and ending (invading Law’s personal space) of the Dressrosa arc is tangible. Somehow between one and the other, breaking point in Law and Zoro’s relationship happened and changed for good their dynamic. What was seen day(?) after the party (chapter 801):

Law and Zoro sat close to each other, the previous distance gone. Zoro was reading newspapers, indifferent to his surroundings - instead of facing and observing the Heart captain, like he used to do at the beginning. Both men looked like they were comfortable around each other, even despite - or maybe, because of - the shared (forced?) drink. The change in Zoro’s behaviour is diametrical.

Like was said at the beginning, Dressrosa Arc is one big breaking point. It changed the status quo of pirate alliance and Luffy’s position, from rookie pirate to leader of a powerful fleet. It will lead to the complete dissolution of the Shichibukai system and for good push the main hero into collision with Emperors. For Law alone, Dressrosa was like opening old, still not healed wounds but also so needed a moment of catharsis. He was ready to die there, but was saved time after time by allies. In a sense, it was the final test of how strong the alliance was before facing angry Kaido.

Law changed a lot through the course of action. Or maybe not really changed, but like allowed himself to show hidden emotions and trauma. The cold-blooded, scheming pirate who planned to use Straw Hats crew (and spare his own) turned out to be a man willing to sacrifice himself to finish what his savior started but couldn’t do himself. Who came to believe in Straw Hats, as the ones who made miracles happen. Not only Luffy, but the crew as a whole. 

The same as Zoro finally saw Law in hopeless, awkward, sometimes outright humiliating situations (anime extension), Law’s impression of Roronoa cracked too. No sense of direction, insanity to laugh at the dangerous enemy and enjoying the thrill of fight, the fondness of alcohol -- all of this created anew image. This time more flawed but at the same time, more real, human. Despite the flaws and awkwardness of previous situations, both proved to be strong-willed, cool-headed warriors one may rely on in difficult times. Zoro stretched out his hand to him, broke the ice, abandoned the distrust that distanced them for a long time. It seems like Law was finally fully accepted by Roronoa and all unsaid things between them settled down for good. 

At the same time, the arc showed their similarities. Both were the quiet ones, the type of people who kept distance from others. The ones with pragmatic thinking in contrast to Luffy’s chaotic madness. Zoro for sure was a helpful presence during running from enemies and meeting a weird fighter after another, especially since he did try to keep his captain in check. That it didn’t work for a long time is a different matter.

Anyway, looking at the beginning and end of Dressrosa arc, there is a visible change in how Zoro and Law acted around each other. How the neutrality changed into something more comfortable.

Here comes things worth examining a bit more. 

↪ The Seven Leaders pledged loyalty only to Straw Hat Pirates. As long as alliance between Luffy and Law will work, this is not a big issue and to take down all Emperors, every additional help was good. But if ever those two pirate crews will fall apart, Luffy literally just gained a powerful fleet, thus has advantage over rival captain.

↪ Straw Hats & Heart captain worked together to take down Doflamingo. Luffy of course was the one that finished the enemy, but overall, Luffy’s victory was a result of teamwork between pirates, colosseum fighters, marines and common people. As much as Trafalgar Law was well known as the Shichibukai, Luffy and Zoro were in fact the ones that made the biggest impression on people (colosseum fight, defeating Doffy & destroying Pica) and actually interacted during battle with other fighters. Frankly, both showed their charismatic nature that made people believe in and follow them. Luffy became the hope of the whole country. Zoro was the spark that united people to stop the birdcage and brought Luffy the needed time to recover. Law is powerful and has a reputation and knows how to deal with different people to get what he wants, but he is not really good at interhuman relationships in general. Luffy gains friends on the left and right. Zoro, despite being asocial, rude and introverted person, has the impressive air about himself that often makes him look like the coolest person who is not afraid to challenge everything and everyone; for whom impossible does not exist (destruction of Pica, stopping birdcage). Law… kinda lacks in that department. 

↪ Because of the made impression on other fighters, there is a big chance Law may have heard some retelling of the events during the party. Luffy and Zoro aren’t men who brag about their exploits, but Bartolomeo and his companions had a lot to share about battle. With so much alcohol and so many strong individuals that were very impressed by Straw Hats deeds, it seems logical that tales of battle would sooner than later be told. Especially by devoted fans like Bartolomeo. Zoro’s daring plan to defeat Pica and stop Birdcage could be recalled by those fighters who saw it themselves, filling Law with missing fragments of the battle.

↪ Frankly, shonen mangas have this one upside down that the final boss must be defeated by the main hero. Which means that characters who actually could do something useful (damaging) to the enemy are pushed to the sideline. Like Robin, who can snap a person's neck from far away thanks to Hana Hana no Mi. Or Zoro, who could join the other Supernovas in their fight against Doffy (either before Law’s threatening injury or after, instead of stopping the birdcage). Or dwarf princess could heal Luffy for a few minutes to finish Mingo once and for good. It’s not exactly a complaint, because it's the standard formula of One Piece story, but because of such, Law and Zoro were pushed into the background, for Luffy to shine. For most of the arc, Luffy was the main figure in the dynamic of Supernova Trio. They did not interact much in words, but the layout of frames - the character position and background activities - created the feeling of the slowly forming bond between Zoro and Law. Now, after Doffy’s defeat, there is a shift next to whom Trafalgar sticks (Zoro) and Luffy is unnecessary for them to interact on their own.

↪ Law didn’t care how high was the newest reward for his head. In contrast, Zoro was pleased to learn his own increased a lot. Even asked for alcohol to celebrate. What could turn into another moment of  Zoro dragging Law into drinking.

↪ The last detail (though I’m afraid it may vary from one translation to another) is the way Law addressed his allies. Luffy usually was the Straw Hat-ya. The girls were titled as Nami-ya and Nico-ya. Usopp as Nose-ya, Sanji as Black Leg-ya, Chopper as Tony-ya. Unless I missed it, I don’t think Law addressed Zoro directly to use either his name or made up nickname. They really didn’t talk much throughout the course of the story. There is a chance it happened after freeing Dressrosa - either during the three days when everyone waited for Luffy to wake up or during the party, once alcohol was shared. Zoro, depending on translation, called him either Law or Traffy (or similar form of the nickname).

With the chapter 802, the Dressrosa arc can be considered closed. Now, the Straw Hats-Heart pirate alliance sail to meet their missing crewmembers and to prepare for the fight with angry Kaido. How truly comfortable Law and Zoro became around each other will show the next place: Zou.

#one piece #roronoa zoro #trafalgar law #The development of Law’s relationship with Zoro #zoro & law #monkey d. luffy #straw hat grand fleet #my analyze #finally the dressrosa is done #dressrosa arc #man this arc was painful to write down #so many things happenings #on one hand so little zoro & law moments #on another the effects and differences between zoro & law and luffy gave a lot to think about

[codenamesazanka]

For Shigaraki Birthday Week, Day 1: Rebirth

Title: running blind

Notes: Playing somewhat loose with the prompt. Also, fulfilling an ask or two I got last week: Spinaraki angst, and reincarnation. Sorta! I confess, and a warning, this fic will be rather strange, but I hope you’ll read it through! Thank you.  Title subject to change. 

-

*

It’s an impossible promise.

But Shuu will keep it.

*

The lights, the smells, the noises - they’re all too much. But Shuu keeps running, no matter what. No matter that he’s as good as blind in this alien city, having no direction and no destination; no matter the increasing bullet grazes on his back, (even with his scales they hurt so bad); no matter that what they’re looking for might not even exist. 

Ten isn’t… He needs… Shuu hugs the small body he’s carrying in his arms closer, tighter, feeling for shallow breaths on his neck. 

“Someone! Help!” Shuu’s voice is hoarse; he feels his throat failing, losing its grip on the air fueling his screams. “Please, help!”

Metas stick together. Ten said so. The metas, the mutants in this city, they must hear him, they must, they have to. 

He hears the car before he sees it, and he’s able to spin around and crash into it with his back, shielding Ten. Even that didn’t wake him up, but it didn’t seem to hurt him either. Shuu still can feel him breathing, however slight, can still feel his beating heart.

Avoiding one death, but now facing another. The hunters advance, big and looming, and Shuu wraps his tail around him and Ten, squeezing his eyes shut, knowing it won’t save them; knowing that at least they were going to die together. 

What happens next, he isn’t really sure. He hears screams and he tastes blood in the air, tastes fear and pain—

—but not from him. Not from Ten and him.

Instead, they’re unharmed; instead, a gentle hand touches his cheek; instead of death, there is a man. 

“My children,” The man murmurs. He blocks the sun, shadows hiding his face, and all Shuu can make out is a smile. “Don’t be frightened. I’m here.” 

*

The whispers at the Center—

his meta power is everything/ he can take meta abilities away/ Can give them to anyone too/ He’s got dozens/ he has hundreds/ he can do anything/ he’s gonna be leader of the metas/ he’ll change things/ make a new world

—called him The Oracle. 

The Oracle says to call him ‘Sensei’. 

*

“They wanted to move me to... to somewhere. Somewhere called Hong Kong.” Shuu stammers, words tangling and tumbling. His mouth is dry, his tongue is swollen, his chest is tight, but he can’t stop talking. For some reason he feels he must tell Sensei everything, empty himself out and hand it all over. “Ten too, they were gonna give him away, but to Canada.”

“And that’s when you two began to plan.” Sensei looks at him like Ten does, like he sees Shuu there, really there, wants him there. Even after they get what they want, they still stay, just for him. “Shuu-kun, I want to hear more, how you two escaped.” 

“He stabbed himself,” Shuu says, then winces. It jumped out, and now so did all the images he has been trying to forget. “Remember Ten’s meta power? I told you, he can push his hurt—“ 

“He has the ability to transfer damage. Yes, I remember. Healing and harming, both.” 

Shuu nods. “I stole a pen and gave it to him and he hid it. When it was Friday nighttime, after a bunch of the Doctors left, Ten stabbed himself and pushed his wound out on his door and it broke. Stab... stabbed again and broke the floor, then walls. All the kids got out, like we planned. We planned with the other kids, they each were supposed to do something, and it worked.”

“Aoi broke the sprinklers, so water was everywhere, and Mi— she’s an older kid, she‘s... VA Risk 5, and they would—to her—” He stops, before his mouth moves again, raw truth crawling out. 

Sensei only sighs. “And your Center is supposed to be one of the more forward-thinking, humane laboratories. Well. Please, continue.” 

“Mi used the water to drown the adults. Slammed them, and crushed them, mini tsunamis. The water was orange... Then all red.” Shuu rubs his jaw. “...My mouth and teeth too.

“I bit a lot of people.” Even now he tastes that thick, sour red. “I’m... Severely Aberrant, but I was mostly good, I’m VA Risk 2, so they were nice with me. And I killed them.”

“Do not be ashamed,” Sensei said softly. “You did the right thing. You and your friends.” 

“Ten’s my best friend!” Shuu blurts out, really loud. “We... I never had one. Everyone at the Center is a Friend, but. For Ten, I’ll do anything. Before I met him, I was… lost.“ 

13 years, all his life. Nothing but the Center, and it took up his center, his core, his heart. Swallowed it up. Tossed it away, unneeded. Gone.

Then Ten arrived. And he found it.

*

You’ve never been outside? Ever?

I’ve been here since I was a baby. I was born like this, so…

That’s awful. When I break out, I’m taking you with me. 

Me?

I’m gonna go back to my aunts and we’ll hide better this time, with you too. 

What! But I—

Shut up, Shuu. I’ve decided. You’re coming.

*

The man is just like the stories say: he will grant miracles. Except...

“Are you sure that’s what you want, Shuu-kun?” Sensei asks, when Shuu wanted him to take away his aberration. “It’s a part of you, uniquely yours.”

He lets his gaze linger on Shuu, as if able to see Shuu’s meta-mutation as a thing, inside of him. DNA somehow shaped like a reptile, Shuu imagines, and The Oracle would be able to pick it up, put it away. 

Then Sensei looks at Ten, who had woken up, on and off, but is now sleeping again, in the medical room for the third day, still on IVs and a ventilator. 

“You successfully got here from Okinawa, you valiantly fought your way through your enemies trying to stop you, recapture you,” Sensei says. “Most importantly, you protected Ten-kun. All thanks to your impervious scales, your sharp claws, your powerful tail.” 

Each mention of his distortions makes the part twinge, mini ghosts flying out, remaking the feelings of the times they were used.

“What does your heart tell you?” Sensei’s dark-bright eyes are on him again. “Think about it. Who and what you want to be...and the power you need to do so.”

-

Your tail is cool. It’s like another arm.

Stop trying to grab at it! 

I’ll stop if you stop waving it around… ...See? 

Only cuz you’re trying to touch it! And you’re not allowed.

But it’s fun.

I’m not even allowed to use it. 

That’s a stupid rule, stop listening to them— Gotcha!

Hey!

-

Ten doesn’t like The Oracle.

“You’re the one who said to find him,” Shuu points out. They’re eating dinner on the 30th floor of a skyscraper; it’s part of Sensei's territory, like a tower of a castle. Sitting in a corner by the window, the view is a galaxy of lights. Nighttime in Kyoto.

Ten elbows him. “It was a maybe. And I’ve decided now: never mind him. Our plan is still to go back to Tokyo, and find my aunts.” 

“He can help us find them, you know…” 

Another elbow into his ribs. “We don’t need him. He’s weird. Creepy-weird.” 

“Really? ...I think he’s okay. Nice.”

“That’s how they get you, Shuu! They act nice and smart and all fancy, but they’re not. I know it. The way he looks at you and me, he’s like the scientists.” 

“You just don’t like that he said your meta ability is bad for you.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with my power!” Ten exclaims. “What does he know? He said himself that he’s never seen one like it. So he doesn’t know nothing.”

Ten snaps the chopstick in his hand in half, though the two pieces are still connected, dangling. Before Shuu can stop him, Ten absorbs the damage. 

Strands of wood weave themselves back together, settling back in place. Then Ten grabs an empty can of soda. As the chopstick becomes whole again, the can falls apart instead. 

“Nothing wrong with it!” 

But Ten says this through gritted teeth.

“Stupid!” Shuu smacks both things out of Ten’s hands. “Don’t use it anymore. See? It’s hurting you. It’s making you sick.”

He wraps his arms around Ten, who’s pretending that he isn’t trembling, isn’t breathing hard. 

“It’s only because I’m still recovering.” Ten grips his arm, painfully tight. “I’ll be fine.” 

“You always say that.”

Shuu remembers. The wound closed up, and the wall beneath Ten’s hand cracked and crumbled; but not enough. I’m fine, a gasp Shuu could barely hear, shaking arm raised, pen plunging back into flesh—

A fatal paradox, Sensei called it. Because as quick as Ten can pull and push injuries away, he still had to take it into himself first. Hurt himself. And then.

“Sensei said your inside is healing itself by damaging itself to heal itself.” Shu whispers. It has been days, but the horror still remains. “It’s eating you alive. Stop using it. Promise you’ll stop.”

“I’m not letting something like that stop me,” Ten mumbles. “I will not.” 

“Ten, please.”

Ten refuses to reply.

Shuu tries to hug the pain out of both of them. 

-

Why did you do that? Help me?

You were hurt. 

No, I mean, why? 

Why not? 

Because you’re not supposed to use your power! And, not for someone like me! I’m—

Shuu, right?

What? 

You’re Shuu. I’m Ten. Now we know each other. Now you’re not just “someone”. 

-

Kiro is fast, but Shuu is faster. With his tail, he blocks the fist coming for Ten, before tackling the man altogether. 

He’s getting good at that - using his tail. Fighting.

Shouting Shuu’s name, Ten joins in, backing him up, pouncing onto Kiro’s legs.

“You little shits!” Kiro hisses, trying to push them off. “This is how you repay Sensei? After he saved your sorry asses? I oughta—”

“Calm down, Kiro,” Sensei says, and everything stops. “There is nothing to be repaid. They’re free to leave, if they want.”

As everyone untangles themselves, he watches without a hint of anger or annoyance at the scuffle. Always calm, always patient. “Though I will be sad to see you two go, Shuu-kun, Ten-kun. I had hoped you would consider this place home.” 

“I have a home.” Ten says as he pulls Shuu up to his feet. “I’ve got family. They’re waiting for me.” 

“And for your friend?” 

“Him too!” Ten snaps. “They’re waiting for us.”

“Oi, watch your tone—”

“Thanks for helping us, Sensei.” Shuu says, hoping to prevent another fight. “We’re grateful, really.” 

Sensei smiles. “You boys will always be welcome, should the need arise. Food, medical care, sanctuary… As you’ve experienced this past week, everything is here. Remember that.” 

“Yeah, thanks.” Ten tugs at Shuu’s hand. “Come on, let’s go.” 

“A total waste, Sensei,” Kiro grumbles loudly, very much intending for Shuu and Ten to hear as they leave the room. 

“Kiro, that’s enough.” This time, Sensei’s voice is harder, final. “Actually, do go make sure they have everything they need for their journey. It’ll be a long one.” 

That digs at Shuu, because even after all that, Sensei still wants to help. He’s not a bad guy at all, Shuu wants to tell Ten. 

And this is why later, in the evening, after waiting for Ten to fall asleep, Shuu goes to Kiro, and asks to help. Something to do, any way he could give something back. 

“Cleaning things, moving things—” Not that Shuu has ever done much of any of it, “A mission. Dunno. I wanna help.” 

Kiro sizes him up.

*

What’s the difference?

The difference is that I like you even if you’re dumb—I’m kidding! Sorry. 

I don’t like this already.

I said I’m sorry! I mean it. You can call me dumb too. Cuz being best friends means we stick together, no matter what. We keep our promises, we have each other’s back. You’ll do anything for me...

*

All he has to do is crawl through the vents. All he has to do is to stick something to the wall. All he has to do is be quiet. Such a simple, easy thing.

Shuu messes up anyways. 

*

...and I’ll do anything for you.

*

Caught and shocked and choked - a big ass lizard, like hunting a crocodile, laughter, laughter, the sound of which Shuu knows he’ll never forget for as long as he lives.

In the time between the kick to his head and waking up to Sensei at his bedside, he was rescued and brought back; and somewhere in those few hours—

Ten was his best friend. 

—He didn’t hesitate, Sensei tells him. He did not spare even a second to transfer, for all his focus was on healing you—

Then he wasn’t anymore.

*

The tears won’t stop and the world is dissolved in water, but seeing isn’t necessary to beg.

Shuu begs, because this man is the Oracle, the closest thing to a living god this world has. He is hope itself right now; to Shuu, his only hope. He has to be, he must, please, there must be something, anything, Sensei can do can save Ten—

“Shuu.” Sensei’s hand is heavy on his shoulder; as is his name, spoken, without the usual ‘-kun’. Heavy too, is the weight of all the unspoken things that comes with it - disapproval, though not unkind; the finality; the truth Shuu refuses to accept, not yet.

“It’s my fault,” Shuu says, more to himself than to Sensei. “It’s my fault, mine.” 

But Sensei responds: “You’re to be blamed as much as Ten-kun is to be blamed for caring about you. Would you say this is his fault?”

“No! No, never—”

“Then the fault lies elsewhere. The ones who harmed you, who forced Ten-kun to use his power to save you, the creators of this tragedy. Don’t you agree?” 

He knows. The hunters, the ones who chase and laugh and kick, who will never consider them human, just freaks to be wiped out - even people like Ten, normal except for just one special thing. The scientists, the non-metas. All of them, everyone, the world. And—

“Still me.” This is still the truth, the one he accepted already. “I was… If I had been better, tougher...”

“You can still be so. It’s not yet the end for you.” Sensei squeezes his shoulder. “Strength can be taught. Fortitude, resilience. Even revenge, if you wish for it.”

Shuu slowly looks up, and Sensei smiles down at him. “Whatever you may seek, I will give.

“All you need to do is stay with me.”

*

With a touch to the head, the gesture like the affectionate ruffling of hair, or a praising pat for an obedient child, Sensei takes away Ten’s meta ability. 

Such a small, quiet thing, no blinding light or shockwaves. The only piece left of Ten in the world is within Sensei, and Shuu thinks that if he can help the Oracle in any way, protect him, then isn’t he protecting Ten, somehow? His power to heal, to fight, to change things. 

“I’ll leave you to your goodbye,” Sensei says, and when he is gone, Shuu climbs onto the bed, next to Ten. He wraps himself around his friend, one last time, holding him close, feeling his faint, fading heartbeats. 

When Ten is gone, Shuu is lost too, once again. 

But I’ll find you. In the next world; in Heaven or in Hell; in a future life; or even just in pure blackness, somehow. Ten found him; this time it’ll be Shuu’s turn. 

“I’ll do better, I’ll protect you,” Shuu whispers. “Ten, I’ll find you. I promise.”

*

*

*

Too many trees here, blocking Spinner’s vision, he’s running as good as blind. 

“Shit. Shit!” Spinner tries to follow the roars and rumbles, but Gigantomachia is too big and too fast. One moment there, next moment not. How the hell did he even manage to get lost from a fight that is literally visible from space?

Not again. Spinner thinks, as he dashes through the forest, slashing at branches, leaping over rocks. I can’t fail him again! Where are you?

(Somewhere deep but faint in his mind, Spinner wonders about ‘again’. Doesn’t make sense, but it feels correct. For doubting their leader, for dismissing him, one or the other, both. More.) 

There— in front, meters away, to the right, a boulder splitting, crumbling; ground, cracking. Spinner skids to a stop, before racing off again, fast as he could, blade ready—

Black and death white, so clear among the chaos. Found ya. 

Spinner shouts.

“Shigaraki!”

*

-

Notes, again: So! Bit of a mess, my apologies! 

Shuu is PastLife!Spinner; his quirk is still being a lizard, except stronger + tail. PastLife!Ten is Shigaraki/Tenko. They remember nothing, except maybe some vague inexplicable... somethings. 

The Oracle/Sensei is All For One, the one and only, same as always, a bastard. 

Setting is the chaotic 100+ years ago, when quirks first started appearing. 

Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! Constructive criticism always extremely welcomed. 

#Shigaraki Tomura #Spinner #Iguchi Shuuichi #Shimura Tenko #fanfiction #Spinaraki #sorta lol? #nalslastworkingbraincell #nalwrites #prompt #Reincarnation AU

[kaytymfknelise-blog]

I have no idea what I am doing

So, i had this bright idea to make a blog. I guess the idea behind this is to just let people know there is hope, even though life is hard, and fast, and confusing af.  So, I guess today I’m just gonna spew off who i am and how i got to this point.  So the first thing you should all know is that i am a lifestyle coach. My mission is to inspire people and help them get through the rough stuff, cause I’m like a pro at it.  Also, I am an addict in recovery.  I had a serious 5 year love affair with heroin.  They told me during my 4 months in rehab that 1. relapses happen and 2. Don’t expect anything to work out the way you think, don’t depend on ANYTHING but yourself.  Well, I was 25 then and i knew more then them, obviously! I wasn’t ready to grow.  I was ready to learn, but i was definitely in control of my life and knew all the right things.  (this is sarcasm, for those of you a bit confused) So I left rehab and killed the mother fucking game for 6 months.  Then I moved closer to my old stomping grounds, went to a bonfire and got mixed up with some old friends, and some new ones.  The night ended with me being to drunk to remember how I got home, or who my new boyfriend was.  That new boyfriend did coke, which I’d done when i was like in high school, but hadn’t touched it in years, I didn’t then either, but the seed was planted. After he dumped me and tried to hand me off to one of his friends, I felt like shit, so I asked for coke. Instead I found crack.  In 3 months I went from 100% sober to being the worst junkie i had ever been. My dealers hated me cause I was annoying as fuck, but they would benefit by the end, so fuck em’. My husband (now ex-husband) decided he would start selling crack! Brilliant idea when your wife is a crack fiend.  Then this dude left me in charge of his night sales, cause I obviously didn’t sleep. Well I smoked all the crack - can you believe it?  We were broke, I was a terrible human, I had lost myself for the billionth time, but this time I had 6 months sober, so I knew this was possible.  Recovery is different for everyone, for me my environment is a huge factor, I have to completely relocate to maintain my sobriety. So after 5 years of my mom begging for me to come to Maine, I finally go. (worst. decision. ever. but we will get there!). So now i am a very recent ex stripper, covered in tattoos, with purple hair-in the most judgemental place I have ever been. Well to say I stood out would be a massive understatement. I mean the way spanish and black dudes look at white chicks with nice butts; that's how these conservative bible humpers looked at me. I had never seen anything like it, and i was a white girl with a nice butt in the hood, so Ive gotten looks! It didn’t take me long to get a job and get myself out there, I colored my hair black (boring), took out my piercings (lame), and stopped wearing high heels (why?). But I was a waitress, I was sober,making bank, had a beautiful family I was pretty happy.  4 years go by, I get yet another boyfriend (I’m way divorced by this point), who decides to punch my kitchen window out. Well, apparently in the state of Maine when you call the police because you feel unsafe, they take away your kids.  So, here I am  soberish (wine is a thing) with no kids, and no clue wtf just happened.  So, when your manic bipolar and your life is falling apart you do some crazy shit, have sex with everyone (my personal fave), spend all your money (I like this one too), Pick up and move your entire life within like 7 hours (this one is fun as well). So I found the biggest, baddest, “sexiest” dude I could.  He spent 20 years in prison, was a felon, no job, no car - ya know, a real winner.  Well this man, I don’t know what it was about him, but my god he has a knack for ruining fucking lives, or getting you to ruin your own is probably more accurate. Well, this asshole brings a bag of heroin IN MY FUCKING HOUSE and offers it to me.  So I’m the type of junkie that if i cant IV that shit, ill pass - that’s wasting.  Well when you have fake balls you have to shoot testosterone, how convenient. Now I’m banging dope after 4 YEARS sober *face palm*.  Well this dude and my best friend of 3 years fucked in my bed and left together, their still together tho, so there’s a positive?  Well, losing my best friend was fucking HARD; I mean that girl was my WHOLE LIFE, like I cant even explain the closeness I *thought* we had. So guess what I did? Heroin, that’s what. Did that shit 2 more times, then was like dude, wtf are you doing!? I stopped for awhile, but when the state took my kids, one went to her dad - so I had to go to CT to see her.  So I pull into Hartford, CT (this is my biggest trigger, i know exactly where to get everything I need, quickly. I avoid Hartford at all costs).  So, I pull in and my original plans fell through, so I called my friend to chill, but upon arrival that also fell through. Bad bad news.  So I go shoot up, and overdose. this being the THIRD time I ODd, and the worst biggest fuck up because my kid wasn’t far. Hate me all ya want, It was horrible and disgusting, I agree - but it happened. About 4/5 days before my overdose I joined this amazing group of ladies, all rocking their businesses, getting fit, and being GENUINELY happy.  When I saw this, I knew I wanted it.  When I overdosed, I knew I needed it. Fast forward to today, its been a month or so since that horrific day, I have a med card so besides bud I haven’t put anything substance like in my body.  I have lost 16 pounds, my energy levels are higher then ever, my mental state is definitely improved, anxiety is down, depression altered a bit, def still bipolar but managing fabulously, considering the circumstances.  I still cry, I carry guilt, I feel weird being in a home with no children, things are by no means perfect, but EVERYDAY, I wake up, I show up, and i implement practices and habits to make my life better and be my best self.  I surround myself with ladies that respect themselves, and other women.  I relocated from that shitty little judgmental town. I live in a place that's more “city” and I can tell you for the first time ever I am looking at the POSITIVES, and only that.  I refuse to let anything negative around me; it still hits, people still try, but I have learned to pull my energy away from that.  After 4 years sober, the sobriety doesn't scare me at all, It is how quickly you can go right back is something you denied so strongly, and fought so hard to end up at what feels like the beginning, but life will always teach you. So, I think I am writing this blog because I need to hold myself accountable, I need somewhere to be honest, and my life since about 16 has been anything but easy; I’m here to reassure you, you can do this, you can come out on the other end, all you have to do is show up! Today I am alive, and free, and I have a good life! xo.

#soberissexy #recovery #perserverence #lifestylecoach #lifeonlifesterms #noonesperfect #wealljustwanttobehappy #goaldigger #strength #doit

[dweebobeebo-blog]

Why didn't you tell me- Josh dun

Words:1066

Warnings: sad, talk of kidnapping and RAPE scars, crying and screaming and death.

Requested: yes

Josh dun x reader

♡♡

Josh and I have been together for a while now, we met through some mutual friends, better know as Brendon and Sara urie. I've known brendon for a while know, having gotten back in touch before he married Sara we went on double dates a lot. He then mentioned his friend Josh dun, they introduced us and we hit it off and have been inseparable since. Been dating for almost a year and, havent slept together yet, sexually anyways. I have a reason, but Josh never seemed to bother go ask why I didn't want too, or why I would stop before any thing else happened.

Brendon is over today because Sara was busy with something, Josh was out with Tyler so I invited him over. Hes been here for several hours now, he keeps asking questions about Josh and I but I've avoided them.

"Spill" he says, making me look at him oddly "spill everything about you and josh"

"Oh.. well its obvious we really care for each other" I say shrugging, shoving popcorn into my mouth

"Yeah but have you slept together?" He asks, I sigh and shake my head "why?"

"Brendon you know why" I groan, laying my head on the arm rest of the sofa "he doesnt know he doesnt bother to ask why I always stop him before he goes to far"

"You've gotta tell him" he states, "how long ago?"

"Exactly a year, tomorrows the anniversary" I sigh, "I know the news will do something itll be posted somewhere"

Its silent for a little bit before we hear for steps we both look and see Josh, then brendons phone rings. It was Sara, once he got off the phone he left leaving me with Josh who was being oddly distant.

♡♡

Today's the one year anniversary, of the terrible thing that happened to me and several other girls. Josh had practice today, brendon was busy and so was Sara so I'm alone just great. I go to my room and find my hidden news paper clippings, and pictures of the man who did it. I turned on the news, to see If anything will be said about it. I pull out my full body mirror, strip and sit in front of it with everything, and the TV playing loudly. I reread the news paper article.

Man convicted of kidnapping and rape of several young girls.

Man pleads not guilty to charges against kidnapping and rape

Man found guilty, sentenced to life in prison after finally admitting too kidnapping and raping young girls. Specifically named two of them he said were his favorites.

"Breaking news!"

I snap my head towards the TV, where the breaking news came from. I silently sit there and stare at the TV, as his picture comes onto the TV screen.

"Its been a year since the conviction of William Quincy, who pleaded guilty to the charges of kidnapping and rape of several young girls" a womens voice says "he even gave the names of two of his favorite ones, saying the fought the hardest, so it made it harder but even more fun, now most people say hes sick in the head and needs to be taken care of"

I let the tears roll down my face, dropping my head to look at my bare body. The scars, I have because of him, ive never let Josh see me naked.

"Victoria Lancaster has been on the scene since nine am this morning" she says "Victoria are you there?"

"Yes, I've been here at the scene of the prison Quincy was held" Victoria says "guards say they found him this morning, in a pool of what seemed to be his own blood, this may be the best relief for those young girls he hurt, we got in touch with one who was able to give us some words"

Farrah, her face was on the screen much more she was telling our story on TV, live breaking news she was going to say what we all felt.

"When I heard, I didnt know what to feel honestly, sad, mad but also happy he was gone" Farrah started "I've dealt with it for a year now, my family was so supportive of me. I'm in a relationship, an I hope the others are too."

"Now I heard from the recordings and videos of Quincy he had two favorite girls" Victoria says "was that true?"

"Yeah, I got close to her, we protected each other and fought the hardest" Farrah says "I hope shes watching this,

Y/n I hope you're doing well"

I broke down into sobs, gasping for air. Suddenly I feel arms being wrapped around my tightly, making me scream in fear and tighten my whole body up before I start trying to get out the grip, I push and punch and cry. When I feel in free from the grip I curl into a ball and cry harder

"Please dont touch me" I sob, I hear movements "NO!!"

"Y/n" the voice is soft and caring "hey its sara, nothings happening to you honey"

"Sara.." I cry holding my hand out she gently takes it and helps me up

"Its me Bren and Josh" she soothes sitting me next to her on my bed "it's okay"

I steady breathing, as she rubs my back. Scared to open my eyes, but I do anyways and see her brendon laying on the floor and Josh by him, worried and sad look on his face

"D-did?"

"Did you punch brendon?" Sara asks "yes, but look you're okay William Quincy can not hurt you anymore, hes gone"

"Josh..." I whisper, he looks hesitant but comes towards me, I look at silently pleading for him to hold me but hes hesitant before sara nods. He sits nscr to us and puts a blanket around me and holds me close to him.

"Why didnt you tell me" he asks

"It never came up, I thought I was okay by now.." I whisper "I didnt want you seeing my scared body"

"You're not fully gonna be okay and thats fine" he says "and you're beautiful, it shows how hard you fought to be alive"

"Josh is right" Brendon mutters

"I love you" Josh kisses my head, I just sit there until I feel myself get tired from the crying and screaming and fighting.

#panic! at the disco #my chemical romance #fall out boy #falling in reverse #bring me the horizon #twenty øne piløts #tyler joseph #josh dun #5sos #gerard way #black veil brides #dan pawlovich #ronnie radke #brendon urie #dallon weekes #twenty one pilots #pete wentz

[limitedrevolverworks]

My Mother 2.0 [2]

[Chapter 1]

Above all else, it’s the silence that that he cannot comprehend.

A deep quiet fills his ears, flooding with a silence so paradoxically deafening. Mere instinct reaches out as best it can, grasping for the slightest vibration it could feed to eardrums sorely starving for that hint of familiarity, but all it can scoop out of the stale air is an utter anomaly it doesn’t know what to make of. The frightening shadow of an indecipherable unknown looms over him, daring his powerless, broken shell to do something, anything about it that he obviously cannot. He could chalk it up to the numbness that seems to envelop his entire being, from the smallest atom to the very thoughts produced by his half-comatose brain, but even in his stupor, the boy knows better. And of all the interrogatives pressing down on him, this one feels the most daunting precisely because he can blame it on himself, rather than some factor outside the scope of his perceptions. It’s a minuscule, vibrant spark of audacity that the very mind culpable for its creation regards it with cautious hesitation, unable to fathom its own ability to birth it. For a time that his diluted consciousness desperately stretches into a seeming eternity, the child refuses to acknowledge the one truth he could process, choosing instead to wallow in an uncertain oblivion that is at least partially of his own making. It’s a long, drawn out, tiresome battle, a silent war fought without weapons, a peaceful, stubborn conflict where nothing happens aside from waiting, waiting.

Waiting.

He doesn’t realize the gradually shifting tide of his struggle until his sole serviceable eye timidly spreads open to brave the unknown sight that has been waiting all along for his acceptance.

Now, the boy finally admits it: that the very unknown he should fear, he very much welcomes far more than anything he’s ever been acquainted with.

And so…

At last…

Time begins to flow anew.

“Hey now, awake alread-D-D-D-D-D-y? Go figure.”

The rapidfire barrage of glitchy reverb is interspersed between words that sound like they’re rattling within a box made of thin metallic sheets. The auditory concoction stampedes its way through the child’s hearing with all the grace of a bombardment and hurting twice as much.

It’s odd, though.

Common sense etched deep inside tells him that the optimal response should involve either lots of thrashing and screaming, or curling into a ball and quietly begging for it to end. There’s the fact that the neural pathways in charge of his muscles are currently fueled with a thick, uncrossable gel paste-like form of paralysis, but that’s not the whole of it. The pain is far from pleasant, yet it conveys a clear message - that he is alive, and not anywhere he would recognize. One of these two conclusions fills him with something akin to relief; the other, not so much.

It’s hard for the boy to decide which corresponds to which. He decides that, for the time being, a better way to keep busy what few of his brain cells are awake would be deciphering exactly what it is that he’s staring at.

Through the fog blanketing his vision, the child sees grey lips, framed by a shade of dull blue well on its way to fading into the latter color. The plated shape gives him the impression that it must be a helmet covering the rest of the stranger’s face, but the two halves hug each other so harmoniously to form a solid mass that he questions this interpretation, despite any other making little sense. He seeks answers in the single black strip cutting into the superior portion: the bright red dot swimming inside it, however, dumps only more questions onto a pile that has already grown rather healthy.

His eye begins to burn, reminding him of such a basic need as blinking that he’d seemingly forgotten in his stupor. The boy’s eyelid trembles: will it manage to arise once more, after it’s fallen? The darkness was daunting, but he felt safe within its embrace. It tasted different from the one he’s grown accustomed to - ah, hold on, that’s not quite right.

As more and more of his consciousness tears itself free from its sleepy cocoon, the child begins to make sense of his own thoughts. He understands that it’s not quite that his unconsciousness felt safe in and of itself - rather, it’s what he feels now, after he’s already gotten out of it. Knowledge informs his less rational side, rewriting his immediate past in light of the present. It’s the fact that he knows what comes after the darkness, that leads him to trust it for the first time his short, young life. And for how utterly fruitless his attempts at making heads or tails of his present predicament may be, he has no doubt that he prefers it to the routine that preceded it.

Lingering for a long, drawn-out second more on the thing that may or may not be a face, the boy tells himself that he has nothing to lose anyway. And in the simple act of blinking once, he perceives the rush of an emotion he’s never known he could harbor.

If he’d ever had any conception of it, the child could relish in his first taste of freedom.

“Do yourself a fa-A-A-A-A-A-vor and don’t move, will you?”

More words come out from a mouth that doesn’t move to spell them. The boy speaks his obedience with silent immobility: at the end of the day, old habits are too stubborn to lie down and let themselves die; he receives a nod for his effort, or lack thereof.

“Not that you can move an-N-N-N-N-yway.”

From the corner of his vision, the boy witnesses what seems to be a shoddy impression of a shrug from a pair of stiff shoulders that must have been made for anything but.

“Had to strap you good in case these aneS-S-S-S-S-thetics failed to do their job, and what do you kno-O-O-O-O-w? Never trust chemic-C-C-C-C-als a couple centuries past their expiration date, kid.”

Peeling off the various layers of noise and glitching haunting it, the voice digs out the impression that he’s been talked to by a woman, despite his eyes’ struggle to acquiesce with this conclusion. If what she’s wearing is a protective suit of sorts, it’s nothing like the ones he’s seen.

Panic threatens to seize him. Could they have transferred him to another research facility?

No! No!

He’d just begun to warm to the idea that perhaps, finally, it had all ended, but now that his lucidity has wrestled back control of his ability to process things properly, he wonders how he even came to that conclusion. His path had never, ever strayed from its repetitive course until that fateful day. Why, exactly, should he believe it to be the case now?

Foolish. Stupid stupid stupid! He dared dream for the first time ever, and he knows that all it did was set him up for greater anguish than he’s ever known. Because now, he has tasted hope. It’s far too late to retrieve the resignation that he cast away at a whim. He’s left himself vulnerable, discarded his fragile shell in the spur of a momentary madness. For all he knows, he’s left himself bare against a realm of suffering that could surpass anything he’s experienced. That is… that is…!

He wants to cry. To scream atop his lungs until his throat will have burned away along with what’s left of his sanity.

Burning…

His throat is burning. He feels a lump in it that has nothing to do with the one born from his desire to cry his heart out. The distraction is a tiny one, yet he clings to it as best he can, a minuscule island in an ocean of self-made terror. He notices now that the noise he was picking up while barely conscious is his own breathing. A ragged, drawn out sound like dusty wind sweeping off a gravelly path. The boy’s eye moves down on its own, seeking an explanation. It can only manage to pick up the vague shape of a cylindrical shape, jutting out of the edge where his pupil meets his lower lid. The woman bends aside so that her masked face can meet his gaze again, her head tilted even further to express what her “face” simply can’t.

“Yeah, that w-W-W-W-W-W-W-ould be the reason why you’re tied like a b-B-B-B-B-undle of rations. I can’t have you thrashing all ov-V-V-V-V-er the place with a tube sticking out of your throat… wait, hold on. Does it hurt? Those painkillers I stuffed you w-W-W-W-W-W-ith are three decades older than the anaesthetics.”

There’s a long, drawn out pause filled mostly with one-sided blinking, and little else.

“Oh! Right! Can’t move! Sorry, this one’s on me. hA-hA-hA-hA!”

For a moment, the boy thinks his… caretaker? Captor? Whoever that may be, the way her voice spazzes out at the end and her whole body shakes, it looks and sounds dangerously close to a seizure. It comes to an abrupt conclusion and a return to her very relative normality, which means… what exactly was that supposed to be?

“That’s a face you’re making there… well, half-F-F-F-F-F a face. Did I startle you, maybe? Sorry, faulty voice m-M-M-M-M-odule. Gave up trying to fix it a couple centuries ago, not worth the has-S-S-S-S-S-S-sle. You don’t find many conversational partn-N-N-N-N-N-ers around these parts, you know?”

He doesn’t, but then again it’s not like he can point that out.

“Anyway, anywa-A-A-A-A-A-y, I’ve just told the IV to inject you with another sleepytime cocktail, so sit tight and relax. You’re g-G-G-G-G-G-oing to be doing a lot of that, honestly, at least until I’m done downloading all this medical training software for the surgery.”

A metal-clad arm raises: at the end of it, fingers lightly curl around a wire that begins somewhere outside the boy’s scope, and ends in a rectangular protrusion connected to a similarly shaped hole in the side of the mysterious stranger’s neck. It makes about as much sense as anything else the child has learned about her, and he’s given up trying to put together all the clues he’s been given into a cohesive, discernible whole.

“I mean, a thracheos-S-S-S-S-S-tomy’s a piece of cake by itself. But anything beyond going stabby-stabby on your tr-R-R-R-R-R-R-achea is a tad more complicated than that. I haven’t half a clue what they’ve d-D-D-D-D-D-one to you up there in that big floaty world of theirs, but whatever it was, it made a mess of your throat. There was enough goop stuck in there I had to spend an hour drain-N-N-N-N-N-ing it to make sure you wouldn’t choke on it. I reckon that when my scanning module’s been updated, we’ll disc-C-C-C-C-C-over that the rest of your body’s even worse for the wear.”

Silence falls anew at the end of a series of informations that the boy tries to digest all at once. Half of his features are still perfectly usable, and could lend themselves to expressing what a metal visage cannot. But the child does not visibly react to the news given to him. His lips do not smile. His eye does nothing but look at the one speaking to him with a half-lidded stare, unsure of what to make of any of it, less of all his worry that this may be a prelude to a nightmare.

The boy is tired. He closes his eye, deciding to thrust himself to the darkness, and the infinitesimal chance of salvation hiding in it.

If he has any hope left in him now, it’s the old, familiar brand that cannot wait for his body to do away with itself.

Sensors that were state of the art back when they were made do their best to try and do what they weren’t built for. The staticity on the little human’s face brings up correspondences with old, untouched corners of her databases. Visual data from times long forgotten by those they begot, visions of broken husks of flesh and bone, deader than the corpses of their comrades. Some of those fallen to the very same iron-cast hands that have done their best to keep a lone boy from biting the bullet, based on what can only be defined a whim.

The automaton born of war kneels besides her guest, and wonders. She does so by sending microscopic sparks across a net of data swimming inside her artificial brain, in search of an act that no medicine or surgical procedure could emulate - a way to heal something other than a body.

Something comes up. A tiny possibility buried among billions of others, at the very edge of her range of intended abilities. Fragments of culture acquired for mere curiosity and to stave off whatever form of boredom a machine could even feel to begin with, knowledge thought obsolete until it came up in this very moment, suggesting a pattern that seems convincing enough to be put into tentative, awkward practice.

Thunk. Thunk.

The child raises his eyelid, startled. A gelid, hard sensation is spreading on his head, where his forehead gives way to his disheveled hairline, right next to where the chitinous substance has overtaken the rest of it.

His view is obscured by something. A shadow that robs his sight of light, only to let him seep through again, cyclically going through the motions while the sharp feeling becomes more defined against his skin. It’s only after the fifth time that the shadow finally relents and draws back enough for him to find its source, staring at him through a red, unblinking light.

“How is it? I’m not entirely confident since it’s my f-F-F-F-F-F-irst time, but apparently headpats are supposed to feel g-G-G-G-G-G-ood for young humans like you.”

Her hand approaches again, stopping short of reaching him. It reels back just enough that he can see the black band where her eye resides, and the mouth whose lips cannot flap, nor curl.

“You want me to stop?”

He hadn’t noticed it before, taken as he was with pretty much everything else assaulting his senses, but… there is something about this voice. Beyond the metallic-sounding raspiness, aside from the occasional slip into an ear-piercing torture, there is a tone about this voice that feels unmistakably reassuring.

It’s a rough, alien-feeling sort of softness.

The boy’s eye lingers on the hand hovering above him, shifting to the person staring back with what he decides must be expectation, then back to the hand.

The lid falls like a curtain, letting the centuries old anaesthetics do their job. If he wishes to protest, he doesn’t make the slightest attempt to show it.

As sleep beckons him back to its thoughtless cradle, the child hears it again. Thunk. Thunk. It’s cold, and hard, so much so that at the epicenter of it he can feel a sharp, prickly pain.

Yet somehow, he doesn’t mind.

#wordy seeds #Let's Meet the Robot

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

[mountainsarecallingbabe]

We accept the love we think we deserve...

I keep thinking about our relationship now thats its over. All of this started a week ago because of my growing fear that he would never initiate conversations and action to plan to come out to see me and also to plan for our future (the future part could be reserved for another post folks because that was a roller coaster of a conversation on its own account)

To keep you up to speed I finally ended it yesterday after a week and a half of back and forth (I tried breaking up with him twice because of his lack of understanding on how important it was to me that he plan for short term and long term goals for us to be together, while he never broke up with me per se but said ok when I mentioned breaking up and never fought once against ending things and it even turned into him not wanting to be with me or without me...yes wtf is right). Me breaking up with him was something thats been a long time coming and now I’m just furious. At him yes, but also at myself. For letting him treat me anything less than the catch I am. Its been too long now that I’ve felt ‘less than’. Not worthy of a great love. He has put his friends and family above me way too many times. Yesterday things were already over because for the MILLIONTH time he had said he didn’t see it working, that he had lost faith in our relationship, he was unhappy and couldn’t put in the effort I needed (this is literally just starting conversations on when we will see each other because we are long distance and when we will be together again). Which by the way he made me wait for his decision as to whether or not he wanted to be with me even though I bore my heart to him and told him how much I cared and wanted to see this work). NO one deserves that. So it was over and I had told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore if it was over so that I could move on. Lo and behold, not even a day passes and he texted me asking me how I was holding up???? as though we were friends and I didn’t just tell him he couldn’t have it both ways by talking to me all the time but not being with me. I didn’t respond and he kept pestering me with his indecisiveness to end our relationship. He basically is immature as hell and doesn’t know what he wants. He has a childlish view of the effort that is required to go into a relationship. 

Case in point: Before I left to New Mexico I asked him when we would see each other and he said I don’t know, so I basically took initiative (for the hundredth time) and took days off of work and then told him to make sure that he had those dates off and then buy tickets to come see me for the holidays. I told myself he could do this one, that I didn’t need to remind him like I normally do and he would remember and step up. Sure enough a week before he’s suppose to come he asks me what the dates are AND THEN tells me they are to expensive asking me if he should still get them??? FUUUUUUCK that. Long story short I had to essentially threaten to break up with him to get his ass out here. Which he did and in retrospect that should have been when I ended things instead of waiting a whole other month to wait for the next time he would disappoint me and forget to ask when we’d see each other again. Which who the fuck forgets to ask when they’ll see their lover, best friend, partner, to make things happen? Like wouldn’t you WANT to be with them and be aching to see them?? No? Just me? ok. I essentially let it go because he ended up coming out here even though it was like a burn mark on my heart and unleashed a ton of doubts to how things would work out since this was literally only a month in and this shit storm had already happened. 

Flash forward to yesterday after his confusing texts (which included: “I don’t ever not want to see you again :( and I’m sorry but I don’t know how to fix the problem”, which occured after I told him we couldn’t talk anymore and that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me so if it was really over I needed to not talk to him so I could heal). I ended up calling him to figure things out once and for all (this has been going on for a week and a half now of back and forth breaking up) and he was very relaxed saying he didn’t know what he wanted and that he needed to go because his friends were there (something he has done many times before). I was like are you serious? You can’t set aside 10 minutes to talk to me? He was like I need to go. So I told him I needed an answer to move on because this was killing me and he said he didn’t know AGAIN. I even said I had bought plane tickets to go see him this week and that I was going home and wanted to see him Thursday or Friday, since he’d be close by and he said ‘I dont know’, its not like it will change anything.... I was flabbergasted. I had poured my heart out to him multiple times within the past couple of days with flat out rejection every single time. I continued to give him chances because I love him. During all of this he has told me that he loves me more than anything which has got to be some kind of joke. Needless to say, his words were unbelievably painful. I told him firmly that he needed to make a decision about us right then and there so I could move on because he promised me he would give me a decision days ago and this was unfair and unloving to string me along like this. His response? He said again he needed to go. I told him to make a decision or it was over and he was like alright if its going to be that way then its over. his words hit me like a punch to the gut. I said that’s it? We’re not going to talk ever again, you know that right? and he said Ok, alright! with a degree of exasperation and desperacy in his voice to join his friends. This is when I had had enough. I was furious. That’s it then, I’m done and this is over, I said and I hung up. Later that night he sent me a text saying “fuck...what happened”. 

So let’s reflect: I can’t believe I’ve been dating a child for the past 2 years. I can’t believe I’ve put in effort beyond belief these past two years for someone who could never seem to step up to the plate (although to him he’s tried?? not sure how exactly). I can’t believe that I allowed him into my heart and that he has taken it and abused it in the most unloving way these past couple of days. Its been unbelievably painful, degrading and downright disgusting to me. People don’t understand how to put work in a relationship and they run away when things get hard. Its silly to think any relationship can work without hard work, effort and planning for the future. He has sucked tremendously at these things and all along I convinced myself if I just showed him how to love me he would turn things around. Although now I realize no one should have to show someone how to love them and hold their hand to understand how to make things work and be emotionally intelligent. Ive lost myself along the way and led myself to believing that this is all love could be. That I was being childish, needy and ‘too much’. I haven’t been nice to myself. I’ve thought, this person loves me and i’d be an idiot to give him up because I probably will never find anything half this good again. I’ve cried more these past two years than I have the 3 years before I met him. I’m half writing this to vent and also to convince myself that this is not my fault. That I can’t solve this problem because its not mine to solve. That I will find greater love and I need to first give that to myself. That someone’s love not backed by action isn't true love at all, they are just words that are carried with the wind and are easily broken.

Someone who loves someone shows them through action and effort every day. It doesn’t have to be big, it can be small things like a text or a call (even this he was struggling with). I haven’t received romance naturally or been taken out on a date or been asked to do anything spontaneous in forever from him or anyone else. I can’t remember the last time someone has done these things for me. I guess I’ve felt like I don’t deserve those things. Like they don’t exist and I should just be happy with the love I have. I want a great love. One that comes naturally that I don’t have to push and has someone coming after me and I to them. Where we both put in the effort and show each other that we care. I’m ready for that and thats what i’ve wanted to be doing all along but couldn’t give my fullest love to this person because they would just abuse it and drain me dry of my reserves to make things work for the both of us. Bottom line is I wasn’t getting what I needed. 

Its REALLY true that we accept the love we think we deserve and thats what I’ve been doing these past two years. Settling for a love that is not meant for me. I am a dreamer, a go-getter, I inspire others, I’m hella fine and I can get whoever I want. I love having conversations about the universe, I have dreams to make impacts within a community, I am adventurous, kind, free spirited and can talk to anyone even strangers. I am a risk taker, artist and a deep lover. I am strong, sensitive, a feminist, politically involved and I’m tired of putting myself down and accepting anyone into my heart without wariness or protection. I deserve so much more. I want someone to chase after me for once and see how beautiful my mind is and not just my body. I want them to ask me questions about what I love and learn things for me and the thing is I want that to! Because a partner is primarily a friend that you can go through life and ponder the universe with. 

I need to apply my same risk taking confident mindset that I have for all other aspects of my life to love. Because I AM worth it and I’m so tired of being let down by stupid little boys who treat me like something disposable instead of the goddamn queen I am.

#empowerment #love #breakup #movingon #boysvsmen #woman #myposts #longdistance #heartbreak #weacceptthelovewethinkwedeserve #youareworthit

[brokenhayatim]

comfort, control & a little light

[now playing: west by sleeping at last]

there’s a sense of me not liking being cared for bc perhapppsss i feel like i owe you something then. i don't like being indebted to people even if it doesn't seem so to you bc of relationships being “without strings”. the strings that are very much there for me will haunt me. then i feel like i owe you myself so i stay and i do something to make myself feel useful to you, maybe too much but one day, the attachment i have to you needs to be severed. the sooner the better.

i sort of knew i was a control person but it has come to my attention that maybe i do it too often. everything seems to be about control somehow and if im not on top it's too risky. and i don't win for pleasure but from on fear. that's slowly morphed into me just being me. i say i have this thing where if something isn't net balanced or me in the positive above you, i won't pursue i don't want in. it prevents growth and closed doors and prevents me from amazing things and people yeah but so what?

its also the reason i hate sudden change bc i feel not in control and when i find myself not in control, i panic and can't breathe and i want to scream shutup to everyone around me before i make a move. its not necessarily a bad thing and i don't do it to hurt people, but i can manipulate situations/outcomes really well. i choose my words, i never give too much, im cautious. my therapist says i wear masks around nearly everyone but ive been wearing them since before the third grade so we’ll have to excuse me for currently not knowing how to be a normal human and not wanting to release them..honestly, i don't know how to act without them and sometimes i wish i really really did.

when people care for you they give and what do you do? take. and i hate taking. ive been told that's all i do once - through essentially a threat - so please don't give. one of the ways people think not to give is if they don't think they can or should. u cant give comfort for pain without the pain. so maybe that's why i hate being cared for because someone else is put in control with me in pain, and i hate attachments so i’d rather you didn’t. apparently, there’s a mix of me thinking i deserve all of my pain as some punishment but..... sometimes i hate how unconsciously calculated i always am even around people i don't want to be. ive gotten so good at lying and hiding that ive just morphed into omitting so much of everything.

[cue the waterworks] i think growing up where and how i did, i really wanted people to see me for something else. i can't even tell if that was me - i blended into so many people so well. i remember the first time i felt my personality was honest for the first time in my life and that was senior year of high school. senior yea r. and then i closed up like a little bug again. i had people know and like me bc of who i showed them and it felt good. i didn't even use the word abuse till late last year. it's like this fantasy world i wanted to live in for so long caught up to me dissociating it all. if you show people your best face, they won't want to leave, right? ive lived in the negative for too long - that feeling of weakness or helplessness or always on edge for something to panic for next. so the minute i found control, i held it and i grew it and i ran away. i ran away and distanced myself from everything behind for months. sometimes i get really bad panic attacks when i think about this “independent” person falling back. then i think myself stupid for thinking i actually was this whole time. i just want to be free of it for once you know. so id rather you not accompany me to the hospital even if i died in that bed, or ask me if im okay when im in pain or ramble ten solutions for help. bc i don't want help from anyone. im fine. it's fine. i can do it by myself.

its funny how it all is. the way i think of everything first with having an expiration to plan for. i sometimes imagine ways things will end in the most realistic settings and then i imagine the blow. i make jokes about it, but im really not a long term person not in the way people deserve or need. and i like it that way, that unattached feeling of being in control, even if sometimes it doesn't end so. i never gave and took more than enough. and yet, i still blame myself. ive had the start of many relationships be of me wanting people to like me enough to be their friend and i gave them the best, some of them i still have and some not.

i met noor in a few days this month years ago and i don't think she’ll ever be able to know that she’s the single most best part of my life. and we started out with her being terrible at communication but there was always this tether of me knowing something was good here. i remember both moments i felt it and where i was. every year was just plagued with me knowing it would eventually end and she would go and it was this familiar sense of fear but almost worse. and i try to be optimistic, i really do, just not when it comes to me. i plan for the worst so it doesn't slap me in the face. i have a blind spot sometimes and that's a flaw, but i remember being less afraid and realizing that importance one day. i was just standing near the window of this backroom upstairs in the house and it was new and strange and did i mention strange? i mentioned it but i don't think it'll ever hold the weight it genuinely held in her mind - as she isn't in mine. but it felt like doing something so mundane for the first time and having it mean the world and the feeling was almost paralyzing. she’s the first person i wish i’d knocked down the wall and taken off all the masks sooner for and the only one right now. and sometimes i genuinely hate myself for it, i hate that i cant and i don't know how to and it seems so incredibly stupid bc it seems so easy but it's hard. so hard for me. you shouldn't have to struggle this hard to be something so simple to someone else, right? its hard to explain something like that. i know i protect myself but i didn't know how powerful that barrier was. how weak i seem to fight against it. sometimes i have moments of thinking this is it - the good run, and i literally prepare myself. i imagine all the worst scenarios and i psyche myself into thinking it was better for me, her, us. i have those still but not often. and it's crazy, right? that ‘not often’. i don't have a flight or fight response bc im used to fleeing, in the good, the rocky and the bad. i don't stay and fight when it comes to me, but i fight for us a lot. ive fought for people before and lost, mostly because i purposefully come to battle with just my hands. it was a weak attempt i knew wouldn't last. but i want to be better and i want to fight better, or maybe just stay longer on the battlefield and take the beatings. but at least im there. at least i haven't given up and gave it all i had. it might not be all im worth and i may still keep some weapons at bay, but with what i got, i want to give it my all. sometimes i write something and delete it twelve times when i want to ask for help or seek some sort of comfort; but im also used to not feeling important enough to receive that, even though i know that won't happen. sometimes when i don't get what i want or can't control that, i retreat and never say anything. she’s tough and i love that about her. but im also used to falling weak to tough people and sometimes the smallest things hurt or scare me bc i have those burns. i think im less in control around her and its scary for me bc im not used to that. but im also strangely okay with that bc i feel safe for once. i feel more than safe. and that means nothing more than something sappy i know. but when you grow up with violence in your home and on your mind, it feels so nice to just have that not in your heart for a minute. its something of light and she’s given me many minutes that i don’t deserve. that’s why i love her name. bc it is her by every definition in every way. i would love to be my name that i say i love, but im not there. and i don't know if ill be someone that heals if im still living in this body. but, if she isnt the best part about me..i don't know what it is. she’s my best friend. i would give her all the keys and she would be the first person to walk through the doors of this haunted house - fearlessly in the dark with a borrowed lantern still held near her heart.

#i was crying thru half of this but ill proofread one day #asiya's thoughts

[dani-dsf-blog]

Picture of my brain

This is a task I was given by Divine Creator Rosa at DSF. Perhaps some day it might be of use to someone else in a similar position.

DRAW A PICTURE OF MY BRAIN

i cant draw, at all. But I can use words to make pictures so I guess Im just going to put here a few exerts from poems ive written where ive mentioned my brain.

At least for me minds boundaries were never made never loved enough for normalities limits to be laid

And my message to any spirit looking for their path? a soul unallowed to walk paths is a whole torn in half

Or do you continue a dream spirit travelling free find others who have not shattered and also see

Not at home amongst others she lowers her head many thoughts build inside her yet so much unsaid

Pictures herself a living vessel fractured and broke wall of emotionless stagnant a never ending yoke

Although these soulless were just images of pain she was racing from herself imploding once again

Finally sheer exhaustion overcomes soul so bruised sometimes lifes battering leave her deeply confused But lifes tried to break her ever since her first breath as for her a long life is as immaterial as a short death

Desire to learn hard with rules changing under her feet safety of boundaries quicksand moment passing so fleet

Shyly she spoke, still unused to the unwavering acceptance She shows her For by being allowed to blend into Her she could learn every memory known This woman had no need of clan or name she simply lived a part of all No man made barriers on her mind no earthly bonds held her wanderings Love she had found walking the paths made of fragmented energy of life Safety she had found like souls nurtured her ever growing understanding

I am me I am everything I walk the grey I am one with all I am me nothing less On and on she repeated this chant as she fought the nothingness all around

The woman torn almost in two by the loss of her dragons heart connection A faint distant touch almost ethereal we will meet again our journey is a circle.

Of the anxiety and fear never being safe loved brings Not being able to trust when all you ever know is pain Of doubts and the struggle to simply hold on to sane

I try to keep people happy but in the end they always leave the bad want to hurt me the good go another one to grieve Around in circles I go so lost and torn up just a sad soul many lies heard all my life noone to trust with my whole

One thing she knows as sleepily she drifts away few understand her and by her side would stay

Shes just trying hard to fit in with the crazy world when she still wants to be inside safe and curled

Sleeping look of the woman she would now be tall unafraid strong patience in slavery freed

So yes these are a few lines of poems ive written, that speak of soul and dream walks, of minds travels, of never learning to limit because noone took the time to try. My words are my heart beat, they are a release for the thoughts in my brain. Yes my past as made me put up walls emotionally, but my words are fluid, they have no mass and so no wall can hold them.. wonder if that makes sense at all. I have emotions and dreams and needs ive just learnt to express them differently to other people is all. For me right now right here the main thing i focus on is making sure the walls dont fully close around me, because then i would be completed sealed off from 'reality' feet planted on the ground, I would simply find myself completed drowned inside my head, which isn't scary but i do believe outwardly it would be more like a semi comatose state, i just wouldnt interact with the world at all. Thats why i will never do anything, try anything that might make these same walls win, the need to do so now is even stronger... ive found slave and a connection to self beyond the walls and drowning inside my head. A way to let my soul/ my wolf be free and yet be more connected bodily than ive ever been. To me slave simply is right. My brain quite likely would always have been extremely fluid, its just my past made it so it had no anchors in this time, this space and that's why I struggle so much with open ended questions, to tasks with out time limits. To me ive been at DFS a few days or a year, it feels the same, but logically i know its 6/7 weeks. So yes i see myself drowning in my head, or at least i used to. that's the visual i used to get when thinking of my self. A body surrounded by water, numbing cocooning, gently holding as the wall held back the hurt and the pain from touching the inner me. But then i realised the walls were still growing, it seemed there was always some stresser or long term issue (my bro being suicidal from 12 for example) that meant the walls were slowly closing in, which i do not want. Not even sure i want it for me, but i do know i wont let my family just see me as someone with no hold in this world... they might not be the greatest but they are still my mother and my bro and my bro needs me. SOo yes the fighting this enclosure is what led to SL i could feel with words, what led me to DSF.. i found a place that without even knowing is helping me connect to self, the real me and giving me anchors in this world. So my real self may simply be slave, with feeling slave and being used as slave awakening my understanding and my body, connecting my fluid brain to me. Is that so wrong? What if i never do want a relationship, kids, all the things a modern woman is meant to want... what if i was born and simply am slave... that makes me happy and it gives me an anchor in my fluid brain, probably the most important anchor of all... i way my brain, my soul, connects to my body... making me whole again. Lastly ive included a few pictures that speak to me on the subject of my brain.

i like this because of the block chaining her down inside the block for me is my lack of connection in rl., lack of physical awareness, but this is changing slowly.

I like this because it just reminds me of the freedom a brain can have to travel to connect on other levels, the beauty of these actions as the brain simply is.

I like this because the picture looks so peaceful and harmessly beautiful if you consider the sky being so close, she can simply float up and breath if she chooses. Looking at it through my eyes, its the thing that worried me most... the sky for me reminds me of my walls...and as such there is no way she can escape drowning and so she simply accepts floating without connect for ever.