#its getting bad again and im tired of trying to get better

[irresponsiblereader]

i dont think i want to do this anymore

#personal #i dont think i can do this anymore #its getting bad again and im tired of trying to get better #who am i kidding its not getting bad it is bad #i need to get sleeping or get dead and only of them sounds appealing

[evermoredeluxe]

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#i keep trying and trying but it just doesn’t get better #like im trying to rationalize that people are going through worse in other countries and have problems bigger than mine and more real #hence i should stop feeling like this #but it just doesn’t stop it feels like i’ve been specifically chosen to be punished and i can try all i want but i can’t escape it #i was like ‘august is bad surely sept will be better’ but nope #and then i was like ‘sept is bad surely oct will be better’ but no again #im either tired or feeling like i failed myself and i hate it because its true #and i had a miserable first half of the year but right now it feels like i can’t remember that misery and i wanna go back in time #which is DUMB because i may be blocking it out but i know it wasn’t good #how can i just keep on having one bad year after another #arshia talks

[paging-possum]

Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

#my art #gore #organs #its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all #like. its the Expectations #the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling #theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel #and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work #because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much #THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING #like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR #realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes? #I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes #at the end of the day I am the you in that song #it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time #at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way #but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes #like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like #sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want #but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think. #I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense #its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past #I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me #which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling. #but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling. #I dont know #I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle #it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it #anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms #im going to bed

[tortademaracuya]

.

#a friend asked me how my depression was treating me lately and i want to cry remembering it now #im surrounded by a lot of caring and understanding people. people that know what i feel even #and yet i only continue to get worse #'cant complain' and its true i did feel more neutral that day. so why did it suddenly got worse again?! #i have been getting better sleep but. now im starting to get tired mentally #everything is too much. i feel so bad for not asking for help but what are others supposed to do? #its so out of nowhere and unstable i could be okay tomorrow. i dont want to ask for help too much #i just want to die #i will try to keep focusing hard on work and practice. but everyday that desperation to not lose to wanting to rot in bed is getting weaker #haunted.txt

[ittybittybeastiebuddy]

The desperate yet guilty anxiety that comes from having to essentially beg for accommodations from my college professors is an emotion I wish I was less familiar with

#beastiebites #didnt get shit officially last year so had to ask all my professors individually for extension when i needed #and idk if ill get anything this year so Im once again resorting to oversharing in a desperate attempt to get ny professors to understand #Im fucking disabled and mentally ill and I need deadline extensions like i need water #i feel awful about it though its sorta fuckin humiliating to have to write an email that is me on my hands and knees praying they wont #think im trying to get out of work #im passionate about these classes and i wanna learn so bad Im just #so fuckin mentally ill rn #and i need help #but i dont have access to the help I need #so im just sorta #slowly watching as i become more and more despondant and emotionally drained #and struggle to do basic fucking tasks #Im sorry im just tired and stressed #gonna go to sleep and hopefully feel a little better in the morning #tw vent #vent post #actually autistic #actually adhd #anyways i wish everyone a good day and i hope you have spoons to deal with whatever bullshit life throws at ya

[raeathnos]

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#bad news lads #they cancelled my interview because the position’s been filled #I wanna scream 🫠 #I’ve been up since like 2:30 am because anxiety over it #I’m exhuasted and frustrated and just burnt out I guess #it’s been almost four months of me applying places #I’m just so… tired I guess #I’m trying to stay positive and be like well I’ll find something and it’ll be better but like #the pay was above average and it was literally just down the street from my husband’s job #it was perfect #I mean I’m at the point where as long as I’m not doing customer service and it’s full time and it pays at least a little better #then im applying to it but just its rough out there #tired and frustrated and I hate it #this is an expensive area to live in and no one pays a liveable wage #we’re trying to move to Maryland cause we like it and it’s cheaper but it costs money to do that too #I feel like I’ve been down on my luck/stuck at rock bottom for years and just like #when does it get better #I had a mental breakdown yesterday and like I know that’s part of why I’m feeling so down atm #but it’s rough #I feel like a failure yet again #I know I’ll find something eventually and there’s more opportunities #but I’m just tired of waiting

[piplupod]

mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.) #and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama'' #number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that! #im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. #i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.'' #and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/'' #mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!! #i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!! #i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!! #i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!! #or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

[meateater-lamb]

(dont read the tags actually)

#vent #god this year has been so fucking hard man #and things have been so strained with my friend #and i love them so much. theyre my best friend. but at this point are they? #cause they just keep getting pissed at me over everything #and acting really weird #and theyve just. turned into this unendingly angry and negative person to the point i feel like i can barely talk to them anymore #they are so short tempered which i mean they always have been but just not with ME yknow #like they for ten years were always so kind to me and weve always gotten along well #until the last like year #and i know theyre in a bad place but jesus theyve made it so hard to even hold a conversation anymore #and i mean i think things will get better if they can get out of their current situation. i really think we can go back to normal but just. #not til then. cause they seem like the only coping mechanism they use is pure fucking anger #and now theyve started directing it at me and im just. getting tired. #i cant tell if they are purposely pushing me away or not. but thats whats happening either way. #and its awful bc i just feel like its all my fault. like im not good enough #im not helpful enough im too annoying im just. not good enough care about anymore #they make me feel like none of my problems are important anymore and like i shouldnt even mention it if im struggling #meanwhile all they do is vent and rant and im really really tired but i dont think i can say anything #im trying to open myself up to being social with people other than them again. #they used to be my best safe space but now they arent anymore #but im still going to be there for them the best i can cause they dont deserve to be abandoned when theyre struggling #but i just hope they can get in a better place and idk. realize theyre kinda being a dick all the time #ugh idk #dont read this shit i just need to get my thoughts straight idk. #i was scrollin when i started thinkin abt this thats the only reason im writin on here abt it #probably gonna delete it in an hour anyway #moon

[possiblytracker]

back to cycling through random underplayed games in my steam library to tide me over i GUESS

#i was doing this a little to procrastinate a few weeks ago. like to an almost dysfunctional degree. #like id (try to) write all day and get a little done and just be like 'fuck it time for a break' that was not actually a break id just stop #it was like full on videogame masochism type shit i would just throw myself at the most difficult frustrating challenges bc Anything #was better than writing and smth just made me really want to put Effort into smth stupid kdjJSDKJ #i was too scared to tell anyone i was really embarrassed dfjkSD;; #was a weird time but i broke out of it and wrote my diss and thats DONE so its FINE NOW #on that note i picked up don't starve recently after sitting unplayed in my library for over 2 years #and tbh i am Fascinated but im also so so so bad at it #which was good and fine when 'i need a Struggle or my brain will shrivel and combust' was the whole deal #but now im like. if i was Any less annoyingly stubborn abt videogames i mightve stopped already but we are still here #THEN AGAIN im trying to distract myself from totk just like i was previously distracting myself from work so #still pretty good conditions for metaphorically slamming up against a brick wall over and over kjgSDKJ #im in a weird headspace rn idk how i feel abt bursting back into conversation rn im so tired and headachey but somehow #wordvomiting into tumblr tags is still fine. sdkjhg #i didnt use tumblr for so long im just making up for it you all just have to deal with me for a bit

[yatiso]

Hey I was just peaking at the reblogs for my addition bc I did not expect it to pick up any kind of traction but then it did dhjsks anyways I want to clarify that when i said its not the artists fault what I meant (and didnt say bc I felt it was a whole other discussion oops thats on me) is that its the labels fault. Recording labels are notoriously nefarious in how they exploit artists and i didnt wanna blame all artists for that (tho some are def part of the problem as a whole they are not imo). I hope that clears things up and I enjoyed reading ur thoughts!!!

omg when i was typin up those tags i was literally hoping op wouldnt read bc it came off so cunty >~< im not upset at you im just really passionate! record labels ARE notoriously horrible but i rlly feel like if an artist has a backbone they can figure out SOMETHING ya know! is a painter a painter if they only paint what and how and when theyre told to? is an ai algorithm that produces something that makes u think of a painting based on what you feed it a painter? no! it might be interesting, might be cool— but theres no substance to it, intrinsically— the art aspect would come from the person putting in the keywords or the viewer (art is in the eye of the beholder, but art isnt art without some sort of soul.) would u want to only see ai paintings forever? would you get bored with meaning strictly coming from how you perceive it and knowing that thats the case? or would you start to crave something created by a real person? record labels are horrible and theyre seemingly doing just that with music! but i feel like if its not common knowledge that record labels are rancid rotten… then im not sure what is! i think with such an in flux of Artists that are more Face than talent, and with Influencer becoming a dream job for every one their kids and their mom, if someone that is Not an artist decides to try make it big as a musician for fame (or sells out for the maintenance/continual acquisition of fame) then i think theyre also to blame and theyre gonna get (and according to the streams, are getting) whats coming to them ya kno. (note that im not saying Bad Artists, music is subjective but i think its very easy for ppl to recognize on some bare minimum level when someone famous/trendy that puts music out that doesnt have a musical bone in their body, or a vision/idea to express truly) like its late and ive been up since 6 am so im passionate but the adderall is wearing off so im not sure how much sense this makes, but an artist, i feel regardless of most situations, is responsible for what they put out, especially with how easy it is to do the work of a record label pretty much on your own now.

#the q&a #definitely not ALL artists. but how many artists since hmm 2013 do you think this applies to? #far too fucking many! #and this makes it seem like i take music so seriously. and to some extent i do #but even fucking parody music has more of a vision than the shit thats comin out in boat loads in recent! #its not about bad vs good music its truly due to artists (whether from restrictions or selling out) not being artists! #and hmm i dont want to go back and rewritr this response but i feel like i should say #its very obvious to me that not everyone knows that about record deals or that straight up scamming/loopholes/whatever form of fucking over #doesnt happen bc it truly does. but is it happening at more of a rate (or maybe proportion is a better way to think of it) than it has #over all these years? #again i want to say im sorry this all definitely sounds like im yelling at you but im soo soo tired and so soo high strung about this topic #im trying very hard to get out what i think about it all… if it doesnt make sense im so sorry #edit: i also want to add that i think wanting to have fun and make music can be a Genuine reason to make music #but if youre doing it primarily for money or fame than like *spits*

[silverislander]

idk whats going on or why my anxiety is so bad but i had to keep myself from physically leaving the room during class today and the only reason i didnt was bc there was stuff in front of the door. so.

#like. i cant think of much that would be making it this bad again #im working pretty hard on school but thats not really a massive source of anxiety for me? at least not recently #but its bad lately and i cant figure out why #levi.txt #im also not getting tired as much as i should and im feeling the paranoia kind of creeping in again at the edges #a lot more of the 'my friends secretly hate me' than usual #i just wish i knew Why so i could try to make it better! it feels like its kind of coming out of nowhere #i dont feel like im headed towards burnout bc im very familiar w that feeling. i can identify that pretty well by now #but smth is not good #i think maybe i need to try to do my hobbies more. normally i would write little shitty short stories and such throughout the semester #or draw in my notes or smth #but i havent really even been reading for fun bc. i just dont have time #idk how to find time for it. im already skipping some readings to make room for the work i already have

[first-enchanter-surana]

Shouldn't have gone to work yesterday. I feel like s h i t

#ive taken three separate covid tests and theyve all come back negative #so either they're false-negative or this is a side-effect of having had covid in august #like are my colds just worse now #bc my lungs feel really having and ive lost all sense of taste #which is of course a symptom of covid which is why im so sceptical of the tests #i mean i could theoretically go and have a Proper Test done #but that involves having to leave the house and take the train to the next big city bc they dont do tests like that anymore in my tiny home #and then id have to go from the train station to the shopping mall which is about a 20 min walk #i guess i could get a bus but the wait doesn't seem worth it #also id have to wear a mask on public transport which makes my throat dry which makes me cough more #and walking is just. tiring. #overall i feel discouraged #also im scared that i wont get my sense of taste back #like after my covid in august i didnt have taste for... 2 weeks? a month? #it came back comparatively quickly is what im trying to say #and that was bad enough #my coworker told me after she had covid her sense of taste didn't come back for a year #and like yeah the first time it came back quickly for me but that doesn't mean its guaranteed that itll come back at all this time #and like i love food and cooking and baking so much and im just scared ill never get to enjoy that part of my life again #(like i just had some apple and orange slices and i feel a little better know so still it feels like if i cant taste food whats the point)

[puppysdog]

having a whats the point of it day

#.txt #ill be fine im just struggling and need to vent #but man whats the point. i cant keep things clean. i cant get my shit together. i can barely even try and be healthy #i hate almost every emotion i have because i dont feel like im ever expressing it right or feeling it right #and im probably not bc awtism #im so tired again all the time #every couple of months i get like this and im like ill be better we can get things together #and i do one thing and then let it all build up again #i want to be better but i barely have the energy to be good #i get upset and angry at myself so easy and i want to hit myself but thats bad #i feel like im faking it all anyways and its not that hard. that im just being a baby #so its fucking stupid to feel like this anyways #but if i cant get around it then whats the god damn point!!! #my day off and im spending it trying not to cry in bed #i was gonna get up and go to the park but whats the point. im just gonna go back to sleep like i always do #and waste my life #and somehow still be tired after and make everything bad #whatever maybe when i stop crying ill clean something and pretend it makes me feel better #upsetting andrew with this lol. love being the worst <3

[mondschrat]

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#god its getting really bad again #im scared #its been bad for some time now #but there just comes one thing after another #and i dont know how to handle it anymore #how am i to get past the next week? #month? #year? #there is no light at the end of the tunnel #everyone is sick and im sick of it #if i only knew it was worth it #or i could get better #but i thought i did #get better #and now im back where i start3ed #being held is not enough anymore #there is noone out to save me #and i am to tired to try

[rockerfemme]

tw suicide 

#7832138989418918989838932 #437821893489289482983283483 #3284589389438942848948429 #i go on walks and hang out outside and i have a crap ton of hobbies/skills i work on #and ive been going to see friends more often as well #im supposedly doing everything right👍 #and im still fucking miserable and feel hollow and rotten inside !!! great!!! #i want to die so bad im tired of trying ive been trying to so long #and im still trying but it's clearly not looking to be worth it at all #great 👍 #i really wish i could start painting again and make a portfolio to apply for art school #but i wake up every day sluggish and with little energy and motivation or ability to concentrate #im doing so much to get better and its not working im tired... #loool #like if you read if you want