#how am i to get past the next week?

[mondschrat]

. 

#god its getting really bad again #im scared #its been bad for some time now #but there just comes one thing after another #and i dont know how to handle it anymore #how am i to get past the next week? #month? #year? #there is no light at the end of the tunnel #everyone is sick and im sick of it #if i only knew it was worth it #or i could get better #but i thought i did #get better #and now im back where i start3ed #being held is not enough anymore #there is noone out to save me #and i am to tired to try

[justablah56]

hmm I think instead of feeling bad I will simply project this bad onto The Character . for funsies .

#just blahs #not gonna do anything abt it bcs idk how i could but ovuehncke sparrow with scrupulosity ocd <3 #just consider with me sparrow being terrified of accidentally saying anything wrong or offending literally anyone #and her completely accidentally saying smthin offensive and trying to figure out how to properly deal with that #without just making the whole situation about herself rather than the person she actually offended #bcs shes afraid that makes her a bad person who just didnt care enough to be aware of herself #gets a bit venty past this point but guys im literally pinky promising you rn I'm ok and ill figure it out please no one bring it up to me #and nobody think about the fact that im projecting rn just think about sparrow ok #this is my way of dealing w similar stuff w/o making it about me bcs ik that thats a shitty thing to do and i need to work it out myself #aughhncns literally every time goddamnit . i accidentally do smthin wrong and then someone (very kindly !!!) tells me hey that was wrong #and then i have a breakdown about it and feel bad and overthink it for the next like week #jesus fucking christ ok it's fine im being patient with myself and i know no one thinks im a bad person #and i know that they know i didnt mean it #and i know that i did say smthin insensitive and thats just something i have to be aware of #and the fact that i said it doesn't mean that im a terrible horrific irredeemable person #i'm trying my best now to be aware of it and be better and think abt whst they said and that's all i can do and thats ok #its fine . #anyways . #also hi cookies if you see this genuinely thank you for telling me tho like i do appreciate it and i am ok dw

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[yuukimiyas]

⸜(*ˊᵕˋ*)⸝‬ good mornie!! its thurs which means we are so close to the wknd!! we can do this!! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و i hope your day goes so super well & that good luck finds you!! here i’ll share some w you!! ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ wooosh!!

#gooood morn!! its hair washing day!!! :3 love clean hair i just hate how long it takes me to wash it lmaoxjeks #my hair is so thick ugh i need to get it trimmed too ( ˃_˂ഃ ) mayhaps i’ll schedule an appt w my salon #gasp! no! i lied! i will have outgrown roots for the next two weeks bc I AM GETTING A NEW TATTOO!! I AM MANIFESTING IT!!! ໒꒰ྀི∩˃ ᵕ ˂∩꒱ྀི১ #esp bc i’ve met soooo many cool artists in the past month!! <333 gonna treat myself i think hehee!! #anyways!!!! i work all day by myself so i’m probs gonna be on a lot hehee :> i gotta get ready now!! see you laterrr!! #ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!

[exopelagic]

i said i wouldn’t do it this time but it’s 3am and mods asleep. boy

#welcome to another episode of Luke is insane abt hockey boy! #this time featuring a guy who is actually this time almost (ALMOST) confirmed to be queer #the almost is partly me being insane because I don’t trust anything anymore #but like. there are only so many reasons you wear pride converse. that is not ally behaviour #it just threw me this time I think bc I’d been like no. heterosexual. bc I think I became aware of him when he joined the real hockey team #because the OTHER problem is that the whole time I’d been thinking he was cute as hell (bc he is) and simultaneously being like no. bad. #anyway this meant that I have actually talked to him a bunch without overthinking it this term which honestly has been very cool #not like a whole lot but we’ve played together a decent amount and hopefully will keep doing that #and yesterday discovered hes recommending other people talk to me abt goalieing which is insane to me bc I am truly not that good #but apparently I made an impression! #anyway it does not help that this guy has gotten incredibly good at hockey in the past few months #idk man I make bad decisions (I say as if this was a decision) bc it is now the end of term once again <3 #which means absolutely nothing can or will happen until after summer. which isn’t an issue #I’m just frustrated by my tendency to realise these things right before I’m about to not see the guy for X period of time #I also desperately need to stop crushing on hockey boys I swear but in my defence that is the main way I meet people #I think I’m cursed actually. that would explain many things #anyway he also has exams until next Tuesday which means he’ll be at hockey next week but idk abt this week which is devastating #i just wanna have talk to the guy more honestly to see how that goes bc we’ve not rlly talked individually for an extended time yknow. #in other words we have not had A Conversation it’s been groups or like quicker exchanges #he’s kinda quiet but i can’t quite tell which way yknow. I know he’s Watching basically all the time. and he is slightly awkward #which is also kinda cute. he gets a lil rambly when he talks abt hockey and I wanna push that button more #i. topsy if you’re reading this you’re gonna laugh so hard I just realised. he’s captain of the team now. #which sidenote is INSANE bc he started playing with them THIS YEAR #but oh my god. okay. #anyway. I need to start complimenting guys more for multiple reasons but also #1. he dresses very cool 2. he caught me looking at his shirt last week without saying anything (BEFORE I caught the rainbow converse) #i compliment women on their clothes and jewellery and hair and shit all the time but I do not with men bc. I mean do I need to explain. #but ​this is so unfair I am haunted by existence of boy and here we are once again. posting on tumblr with the possibility of seeing him lik #two more times before summer. might be three or four depending on what he comes to #luke.txt

[suncaptor]

Perhaps it's good to acknowledge how much at a breaking point I am at. That I cannot be this trapped. That something has to change. In theory, I would have already changed it, since the problem is the helplessness. Like I need to stop living with this amount of financial deprivation and unsustainability. I need help and support. I need rest and distance from crisis. I need to feel safe.

#i need to blow past barriers and the problem is nearly all those barriers are lack of support money or having a disability #but i am not trapped how i was before #i don't know WHAT to do and i KNOW i cant do it alone — thats part of the problem #but i know something has to happen. i know this with the certainty and clarity i had that i had to escape before #and hey! i did that! #but the problem is. crucially. i cannot. do. it. alone. which! well what else do i do? #the lights are on. its all so clear #like even. all my PATTERNS for fucks sake man the times ive seemed to be doing better. ..... #summer 2021.? summer 2022? even that brief interim now. i see everything its all so clear. #i cannot do this alone. its not even about having needs met for a month knowing next month i wont #bc then i wont this month either bc i wont buy food or medicine or anything #like man this is insane ive been bleeding and in agony for two weeks bc i couldnt get a doctor to prescribe A MEDICINE YOU CAN GET OVE #THE COUNTER #i need support i need to stop being trapped in this constant like. i dont think anyone gets. the degree. #or how im living #holy fuck how I'm living is fucked up #NO WONDER I CANT GET ANYTHING DONE #but i was doing better for a bit #bc the emergency housing #that support. #but its like. #this isnt normal. okay. #like people arent supposed to exist how i am in a society #this is fucked up #got told today i seem to have more barriers than anyone. but thats bc how i am living is impossible and the fact i am still engaging like #that is a fucking testimony #i cant do this. it has to stop. this isnt right. the fact this has been my life for so long is fucked up #my standard is fr ' #'not being actively abused' #what about basic needs.

[spookykestrel]

Chat how soon is too soon to return to a job after being thrown a goodbye celebration under the pretense of you moving across the country 🫣

#TO BE FAIR I DID THINK I WAS MOVING AT THE TIME #I hate hate my new job #and I only got it for the pay #but my check after working 2 4.5 hr shifts was $50 #which does NOT meet the $300 a week I told them I wanted to make in my application #nor the $15 an hour I asked for and was told I would make an avg of 13-18 #in theory I’ll make more after I’m done training #but even then it’s only $8 plus a percentage of sales #and so far it has been dead all the days I’ve worked #in theory I could work up to being a server #but that would still be more training less money #and I don’t even think I would like being a server #raises the question of should you keep a job you don’t like for the moeny #I can’t stay a host though I don’t know if it’s worth staying #I spend all day thinking abt my old job and how much better it was in every way #and I want to go back but they made a big deal abt me leaving #and it would feel really awkward to go back would it be too awkward #honestly I should just bite the bullet #I could get past the awkwardness and return to a job I like and am comfortable at #and know id make enough money at :| #like gen how weird would it be to go back after they wrote me a farewell card and bought me cookies — #kestrel calls #chitter chatter #text post #PLUS #new job scheduled me one shift next week ??? #what the helllllllll #I’m not staying there I’m not I’m looking elsewhere

[barley-st-band]

hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend

#she speaks #oh gang we’re really in it now #i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol #the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach #and i can’t even pretend at work anymore #i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty #and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer #but god i can’t fucking do it anymore #how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks #the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced #and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars #and our apartment is always a mess #and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down #and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it #until the school year is over #bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings #but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach. #i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom #i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer #i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here #i need to start organizing to make next year easier #i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and #vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters #and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it #bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment #i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!! #i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad #i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse #i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working #and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol

[be-good-to-bugs]

you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep

#the bin #uugghhhh i woke up at 1pm today bc my stupid idiot body refused to go to sleep at a reasonable time even tho i was alreday so sleep #deprived. i have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning :/ so i guess i wont be sleeping till then bc i still have to clean stuff and shower #maybe maybe maybe ill get a nap in but idk. bleh. i hope after i get home my stupid body will sleep. its gonna have to bc i work 7 hours the #next day so i cant do that too sleep deprived. i really really hope i dont have to :( hhhh #i wanted so bad to get high last night mosty bc my body has been refusing to sleep this past week but my sister n her boyfriend didnt come #over so i wasnt able to get more edibles :( or boxes for packing. hhh. i need to move so soon! i have no idea what day its even gonna be yet #i badeky have an idea of how much its gonna cost either. they finally gave me a gas cost estimate afeyr ive been asking for 3 weeks #hhh. well. whatever. i only have 4 more shifts. im kinda sad tbh. i really like working here. my coworkers are so nice #tomorrow is probs the last time ill ever see my fav coworker. shes so nice. shes so nice she used he/him for me and calls me orb #i just mentioned the name in passing once after i changed my pronouns on my nametag and she noticed and she remember! #and before she used it for me she stopped and asked if i was comfortable with it or if i wanted to keep it private. i have never EVER met #another cis person who would even think to ask that. most cis people dont understand why you would care. shes like. the nicest person ive #ever ever met. why did i have to find such a great place to work in minnesota? well. even if i am super tired tomorrow morning itll probably #be ok. butbi really would prefer not to be. #i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly. bleh. i do liek what edibles do to me its a fun time but its kinda annoying that i #cant use them very casually for sleep or pain. they incapacitate me for 14 hours minimum. #well. at least no matter how stressed i am abt everything. i will definitely be elsewhere in 18 days max. should be less than that. #i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain. #and im so excited to be able to draw again! im glad im moving a month before artfight bc itll give me time to get shit prepped #i wanted so bad to participate last year but i wasnt able to come evn close to finishing any attacks bc i was too tired from working

[luciana-silentstar]

I decided because I love suffering that everyone gets their own halter.

#-pops on once in a blue moon to update and dip- #like what it's been. ten years since I've basically said 'hey life is crazy but I really wanna try to be active again!!' lmfao #somehow life keeps getting crazier in good and absolutely abysmal ways #have been sleeping on my floor for the past week due to Fun Health Issues which will probably be a thing for the next month+ #and I would b*tch about that but today is the first day in the past week that I have not been miserable so #I'm on a 'I do not feel like sh*t! :DDDD' high lmao #I'm good!! life is just funny and I really need to do standup tbh #when I suffer apparently I am hilarious so silver linings 💕 #chaotically toggles between emoticons and emojis bc f*ck the police no one can stop me #this is me a week *not* taking my prescribed amphetamines ahahaha #on them I am actually relaxed and chill which is funny #off them I'm either a sloth or nighttime kitty zooms basically #my body may b falling apart but you cannot stop my chaotic little mind apparently #ANYWAY broken record babey but I do... want to be more active.... if it happens I'll eat my hat but. #can I just say how elated I am that MORE SNOW #Winter Riders was my first SS game so. snow in game is v special to me and I literally dreamed about this and they MAGICALLY DELIVERED #I have a million critiques but clearly I still love the game and I am very happy with how they handled this lmao #anyway I hope everyone is healthier and a little more mentally stable than I <3 #I love this stupid game a lot it is still my comfort... n0n-object. sldkfj. #also everyone must know I am f*cking OBSESSED with the unicorn oh my god #still a ponygirl at heart ig 😒 owell #also ye Dragonheart got an update!! heeeee #Dragonheart #Illusion #Brilliant Vision #Myth #Chocolate Dream #mostly sticking to two part names but ngl. for certain special horses I'm enjoying the single name options #also the halter thing is to sorta discourage me from impulse buying horses lmfao #I am 99% positive it will have 0 effect lmaooooo but everyone looks fancy now

[nostalgia-tblr]

but what will i do now i dont have to look up obscure shite about anglo-saxons to then not put it in the fic anyway???

#my life feels so empty now! #no other fic needs Research D: #unless i actually commit to that 15th century rpf fic i started. #oh shit is this why people get stuck writing nothing but their own complicated AU and its spinoffs forever? #i have the sylki arranged marriage au to be getting on with but i'm not rushing and i'll need something else to be writing on the side #which of my many half-written fics should be next? how do i at least narrow it down to a pairing? #am thinking i should do one (two if u count the wip) fic at a time and get it done and posted before moving on #that was kind of what i was experimenting with this past week with the anglo-saxons au #i suspect i would not have finished it in less than a year otherwise #i want to get back to writing things quickly! both the sylki-on- sakaar dubcon fic and the thor's betrothal thing took about A YEAR #which is a ridic amount of time for fics that aren't even that long by the standards of other people

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again #it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof #is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head #my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the #middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up #like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles. #the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable #bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to #ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on #lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life #anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been #like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i #might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it #i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt #the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective #but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch. #itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work #but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops #not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy #ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day #ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time #ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea #of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i #get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism #ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes #unrelated

[oculusxcaro]

One of the things that hurts Khare the most isn't so much the eyes and teeth growing in her flesh but rather her memory issues, how easily she forgets things and struggles with the most basic tasks. Her IQ wasn't impressive before getting experimented on but she lived independently and picked up a range of skills from doing so along with working many odd jobs back in Hull. It's immensely frustrating - and upsetting - to her when it takes so long to learn what should be a simple thing.

#🌈 || musings #🌈 || headcanons #Okay the eyes and teeth are a little upsetting but you get used to them after a while #Covering them up and scraping them off every couple of days is managable #It's the impact the injections had on her brain that's most upsetting #Trying to remember the right way to spell certain words and phrases #Struggling to repeat a task when she nailed it before #Now she struggles doing even the simplest things and it takes so much effort #Fortunately Pauli and everybody else at the diner are patient and she's able to function well enough but #It's still upsetting like she could DO all this so easily before and now she can barely remember what her own mother looks and sounds like #Would she even recognize her if she walked past on the same street? #How long until she forgets another important thing? #As her body mutates she gets harder and harder to kill but that IQ is dropping as a result #She KNOWS she's not dumb but can't help it #Rorschach helping her retain her memory and correct spelling by playing Scrabble tho <3 #OKAY just one more doubleshift tonight then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE #Hours should be bback to normal next week but I'm not holding my breath #Ah well I'll be happy for a day off tomorrow regardless #Sorry sorry to have been so quiet and lacking activity I am just tired :(

[dahldahlbills]

nano day 2 & 3 update

day 2

Total Word count: 1689; 1421 towards a fic, and 268 towards my main wip

Did a lot of handwriting so I wasn’t able to see exactly how much I wrote until I typed it up today (hence the late update)

day 3

Total Word count: 1603; 901 towards a fic, and 702 towards my main wip

I did two sprints towards my main wip and got ~350 words for both 20min sprints, im kinda proud of that ngl

I’m making steady progress and for the most part on track for that 50k which is kinda neat! (still not what I’m going for tho so i can’t let it get to my head lol)

but overall I’m feeling really good so far I’m excited to see what I accomplish tomorrow :D

#bet you all thought I gave up after day one huh #but no!! i was just too busy last night to give an update lol #‘you all’ being the three (3) people who know I’m doing Nano #the fic writing kinda dominated the past few days #Im hoping the oc brainrot will kick in at some point bc I really do want to prioritize that #‘i just need to get this fic out and then I’ll be good’ I say but then watch me say it again next week with another fic #it’s okay tho I’m not in a huge rush for cryptids wip #like i kinda should be if I’m aiming for 2025 but it’ll be okay #i don’t want that pressure at such an early stage #anyway I don’t expect to get a lot of writing done tomorrow bc we’re having Guests 😬 #but i will try my best #my drawing will also be dropping SIGNIFICANTLY this month #i say as if it hasn’t already the past several months 💀 #but Im not feeling that bad about it compared to before bc there’s no Events that are adding pressure to my creating #any time I do draw will be in my sketchbook. it’ll be a nice break from digital #i Can finally make some progress on those jojo spreads I’ve been dying to make #and by make progress I mean I’ll barely finish one lol #(i dont mean that negatively. I’ll be having fun the whole time I’m just making fun of how slow I am) #anyway #dahl does nano 23

[lesbianchemicalplant]

.

#btw it's now two jobs that i've interviewed for but have been rejected #the most recent one I didn't even make it to the second stage of interviewing / the technical interview (unlike the first one) #basically I think if I don't get hired within the next [X amount of time] I am going to become Very Unwell #I don't really know how long X is but I know that every day/week/month that passes I am getting more and more rattled #I buckled after both rejections and have had to get myself going again after each #I have increasing feelings of doom. increasingly having trouble telling myself to just keep going #and there is surely going to be a critical threshold past which I won't be functional #maybe we can all be hurled into the sun instead #my posts

[pidgeyatto-a]

no matter how hard i study these bones just do not stick in my head. anatomy my detested 

#ooc #tbd #irl vent / #vent in tags / #i have been studying nonstop for the past week and just no matter how hard i work on it nothing's sticking #i think . ill be okay. but ugh #if i dont pass this test tomorrow im not passing this class and then ill have to take it again next year .... #and my mom's going to yell at me for it #bc she'll think i'm not trying #but i am trying and its just;; anatomy is hard #and i'm really bad at test taking #no matter how much i study when i'm put on the spot i get anxious and forget everything i learned #ugh idk idk #ill be back online again starting tomorrow i just needed a place to put all this