#im doing so much to get better and its not working im tired...

[rockerfemme]

tw suicide 

#7832138989418918989838932 #437821893489289482983283483 #3284589389438942848948429 #i go on walks and hang out outside and i have a crap ton of hobbies/skills i work on #and ive been going to see friends more often as well #im supposedly doing everything right👍 #and im still fucking miserable and feel hollow and rotten inside !!! great!!! #i want to die so bad im tired of trying ive been trying to so long #and im still trying but it's clearly not looking to be worth it at all #great 👍 #i really wish i could start painting again and make a portfolio to apply for art school #but i wake up every day sluggish and with little energy and motivation or ability to concentrate #im doing so much to get better and its not working im tired... #loool #like if you read if you want

[werebutch]

sorry im gonna be an asshole but if my dad knew he couldnt take care of us with the progression of his diseases then why did he fight so hard for custody. im 20 yrs old i shouldnt still be thinking abt this but still like. a billion years of neglect the fact that he is sick is irrelevant when he knew very well that he wouldnt meet our basic needs. sorry. and now its on me to take care of 2 mostly-adult teenagers who hate my guts and still think they're 12 years old and cant go to the store. or clean. or whayever. AGHHHHHHH

#i dont know why everyone is in this dream world where we're still so young. even my dad acts like im out of line by staying somewhere other #than his house. like im 14. and again. my sisters just genuinely seem like they dont understand that theyre grown now. cant we all just tak #care of ourselves? ?? #if he didnt have custody i would have hated both of them even more but at least we would have been taken care of #every time i have this conversation with him hes like 'but i cant do anything..!' he can. ive seen that he can. he works from home hes on #the god damn couch all day. most of his work days hes just on tiktok waiting for people to call him. he doesnt do much of anything. youre #telling me you cant do the dishes or go to the store just once in a while ? #and then he says like. but thats what my spouse would do for me blah blah .................. single people still manage to feed themselves #somehow/. maybe its magic. maybe im an asshole for saying this. but seriously. dont be like this and then get angry that i like staying at #my moms better. there i just have to worry about myself. and because of that im more apt to do things for other people! bc im not #burned out all the time ! #this is so dumb to complain about im 20 like. shut up. but wah its just tiring after like.... 10 years. lmao

[bluesidedown]

I just want to fly to Tibet and not think about character growth or the future or navigating relationships

#im so tired. and like I'll survive it but then i have to continue on and survive the next thing too. #right now im thinking about my next year and just. the rest of february and march sound just barely manageable #april and the start of may will be pretty good probably #the summer idk probably fine #but then. finishing my second degree. working. paying off loans. looking for a job i actually might sustainably want. #i cant. imagine having to do all of that. #i feel like i do so much complaining on here lately im so sorry #irl i feel like i cant complain to anyone cuz objectively im getting to do one of the coolest things imaginable #and like. im really thankful and whatever and thats what i have to project to my irl people. its just also incrediblyy hard and exhausting. #whatever its after midnight and while i feel like this a little bit most of the time sleep will help. it will all feel slightly better #in the morning

[poisonouspastels]

#i figured this would be better suited for a separate post continuing from here #I've had people get angry at me for giving Steve a proper strongman build - thus making him fat and muscular in the process #ive gotten people mad at me for making him his direct colorpicked skin tone. got told I made him ''the wrong color'' for it #got called slurs #got told i need to just ''take a joke'' when im getting right fully angry at people telling me im wrong for making his AU design that way #been quite literally told our art looks ''ugly as hell'' when people ran out of bigoted arguments #its all just getting really hard and really tiring to keep doing what i love when everyone is vocal about hating it #and very few people are vocal about liking it #i do art for me dont get me wrong. and people have been supportive. #but i cant help but wonder if anyone would have even cared about the mega ref at all if it hadn't been surrounded by people full of hate #its just hard to stay motivated and put my all into something that's gotten so much backlash for stupid reasons you know #i've been putting so much love into my work surrounding this AU lately. my writing and my art. for over the past year now #i try not to ask anything in return other than for people to just pay attention to it at all. give it a reblog #but the one time we have something out of it become popular its because people are stupid and bigoted #i dont care about numbers this isnt about that. i just care about returning the passion i put into the world. #if anyone wants to send anything my way feel free. i could use it #sorry for venting

[cuz-reasons]

What if I exploded? What then?

#this has been my mood for like two weeks now #well actually the las couple months if were being honest #but esp these last couple weeks #im just tired and stressed and anxious as fuck #and now i got a 7pm 3hr exam tonight #AND work tmr cuz LITTERALY no one else was available #so i get to go do poorly on this exam cuz im tired from work this morning and its right through my normal dinner time #and im not able to really eat now cuz im too anxious and i gotta catch the bus in like 15mins #and then come home and basically go straight to bed #so i can work an 8hr shift tmr #aauaaugghhggg #AND i got another exam ill prolly do WORSE on on the 19th #but that ones at 9 so like not much better but id rather that than the 7pm one #and that class has a group project too thats due the same day cuz it was the last day it can be handed in #i also HATE that class so much #im just like fuckim burnt out i think #straight up considering dropping out if i fail again i dont even care anymore #or at least taking a SOLID YEAR off before finishing #cuz christ alive i need a proper fuckin break #anyways i kinda went off here #oopsies! #oh well

[ilonacho]

it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat

#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom #2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places #and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again #like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up #not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day! #i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation? #like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary #like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??) #but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks #and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it? #i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep #before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything #and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’ #but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend #i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it #but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this #i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man #ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything #i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for #not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for #and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween #i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art #+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here) #it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[toastsnaffler]

love my leather boots sooo much.. polishing them at weekends is my favourite chore by far I always look forward to getting to do it :-)

#just re-lacing them rn so theyre ready for work tomorrow theyre so shinyyy muah #when my next payday comes around im gonna get a second pair so im not putting as much strain on the leather by wearing them everyday #but i think im gonna go for a different colour to my standard black.... ik solovair do similar ones in burgundy or bottle green hmm #well i have a month to think abt it before i decide! #red is my go to accent colour but green would probably fit better with my work wardrobe... and i do wear work clothes 5/7 days a week #anyway.... i need to meditate and then sleep. i usually settle down for bed 9:30 but im a little wired cuz new med change #so ive been putting it off until i feel actually tired so i wont stress abt not being able to fall asleep and then make it worse #i will probably feel pretty tired at work tomorrow but thats okay i dont have anything taxing scheduled #feeling so much better now this weekend is behind me. ik next weekend will likely be difficult again but im more prepared for it #i need to book myself this trip as well before train tix get too expensive so i have smth to look forward to next month.... #just debating whether i actually want to invite other ppl or not. itd be rly nice for everyone to come but with recent events i feel- #a little delicate abt social stuff and i dont want to stress myself out and get insecure bc its meant to be a treat for me #like if i invite other ppl itll become their trip and suddenly im in the backseat third wheeling them all #and ill wish i had uninvited myself so they would enjoy it more etc but the POINT is its smth i wanna do!!!! for me!!! #we'll see how this week goes. i dont rly feel ready rn to unmute their server yet tho bc ill just make myself upset abt next weekend #letting sleeping dogs lie for now... ill come back around eventually it always takes some time to recover from mood swings that intense #okay now goodnight! xoxoxoxooxo #.diaries

[seedlessmuffins]

.

#i think ive been burnt out for awhile #like exhausted nothing makes me happy anymore burnt out #i know i need to work to be able to afford things but it is so much and my job is so draining in every way #i feel guilty because i was late to work today i slept through my alarm #but it is because im so stressed all the time my body just doesnt respond anymore #ive worked like 8-13 hour days every day for the past two months and at this point im tired #i dont know if i can do this anymore but genuinely if i dont i will not be able to afford school next year #its a struggle #and then i feel guilty not answering texts or asks even though i love getting them and reading them #because i legitimately dont have the energy to reply #its also why ive been a bit less active but i dont have the energy for it #it makes me feel guilty which makes me feel worse and just sends me deeper into the spiral #it will get better but im not at the positivity place yet #it will get better but right now it fucking sucks and i am absolutely bone deep exhausted and tired of waking up #im in an ok place but i just need to be taken out of time for a bit #k.

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[tortademaracuya]

.

#a friend asked me how my depression was treating me lately and i want to cry remembering it now #im surrounded by a lot of caring and understanding people. people that know what i feel even #and yet i only continue to get worse #'cant complain' and its true i did feel more neutral that day. so why did it suddenly got worse again?! #i have been getting better sleep but. now im starting to get tired mentally #everything is too much. i feel so bad for not asking for help but what are others supposed to do? #its so out of nowhere and unstable i could be okay tomorrow. i dont want to ask for help too much #i just want to die #i will try to keep focusing hard on work and practice. but everyday that desperation to not lose to wanting to rot in bed is getting weaker #haunted.txt

[summerlycoris]

Guess whos potentially working a triple tomorrow?????????

Im going to transform into my final form if this shit keeps up i swear to god.

#summerly talks #im just. gonna have to tell my boss that. effective immediately. i cant work the weekend anymore #sad because its good money #but this is becoming a fucking pattern and if it does i may actually dive into a fission reactor while singing meltdown ;_; #like. i was okay with the double? my coworker called in because her baby was sick #and she promised me if i couldnt get anyone to cover for my am shift tomorrow she would take it #then at like 9pm i get a text saying. she cant. her baby wont let her leave #and i feel selfish because. she has a baby. but i have cats and luckily i was able to drop by today to pick up my sleepover kit #and also make sure minty had food. (fieldie has an auto feeder so hes okay) #and i just. want to go home #the reality is i cant. i cant go. not unless one of the people i texted gets back to me saying theyll come in #and no one has yet. its 11pm. no one will at this point. #im tired im tired im tired #i dont want to end up like i did at my ladt job. giving away entirely too much of me and destroying myself #ive already lost most if not all of my passion for this job #and when i was younger i dreamt of working with disabled people. i burnt too quick and now im a shell of what i was #but this is the only thing im trained for that would allow me to like. keep my home #maybe if or when i move to brisbane i can look into a different job. do an it course idk. something where there's less people skills needed #i better try to get some sleep orz tonights gonna be a bitch of a thing

[piplupod]

mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"

me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"

mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"

me: "...my thing?"

mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"

me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"

mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"

me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"

AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!

#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good #not the worst definitely not the worst #just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.) #and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama'' #number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu #my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything #and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that! #im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me #''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP. #i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind #like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.'' #and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/'' #mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over #i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family #this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!! #i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!! #i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible #i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out #i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose #i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!! #i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts #i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them #sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay #im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon #just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid #it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!! #or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that #suicide tw #abuse tw #ed tw

[asummersday]

when will my writing motivation return from the war 😭

#please i just wanna post the next chapter #or at the very least start a oneshot or do literally anything #ive been more tired than usual and i dont like that #im ALWAYS so so tired #sometimes YEAH its because im up til 3 or even 4 #but ive also slept 9 hours. 12 hours. and yet ill STILL feel so tired #im too tired to do the things i want to do #and then i feel like ive just wasted my whole day :((( #how many times these past few weeks have i said im gonna get this chapter done huh? and it is NOT done #i love creating and writing but it takes so much energy sometimes :((( and i just dont have it :((( #i feel bad/down -> writing would help me feel better -> too tired/unmotivated to write -> doesnt write -> keeps feeling bad #rinse and repeat lmao #sometimes being nice to urself and waiting for the motivation doesnt work #sometimes u gotta sit at ur desk with a massive mug of coffee and say ''i will WRITE if its the last thing i fucking do'' #screw quality its time to write WORDS #anyway. im making myself coffee rn. i will get through this dammit #summer post

[kellystar321]

.

#periodical life updates #lets hope this one goes better than the last one </3 #anyway hi everyone. im in an entirely different timezone during this trip so its actually mid afternoon right now #thats not what this is about though this is about how im EXCITED FOR ARTFIGHT AS USUAL!!! lemmy posted his s/is and theyre so cute <3 #also the theme reveal is coming on the 23! i hope its enough time for the theme templates? i love doing the theme templates with everyone : #this'll be my seventh year participating holy sht!! ive been doing this for seven (7) years!!!!!!!! #ive been feeling like ive been improving in art every artfight but idk how i'll fare this year. i feel like ive been a bit stagnant #and i did some PRETTY KILLER PIECES LAST YEAR;;; who knows if i'll top it; especially with summer college classes UGH #miserable about that btw. college my beloathed forever and ever amen. :/ ive been meaning to fix a few characters profiles and add some too #FINALLY going to separate kelly and jace! kelly is now the bureau of balance halfling only <3 ive been redrawing a new design of her :> #she has cute pointed ears now heho!! and actual more fantasy-esque clothes to fit her universe <3 jace is getting a separate profile! #jace is now solely my sona and i look SO much more gender now with the haircut and i can post my refs <33 #i also want to post agent and icarus and all the javelins but that means i have to draw them actually hfjkh <33 #i should also actually add something to shen's profile hfkjfh i care more about xer worldbuilding than xer character i feel </3 #IVE BEEN MEANING TO GET QUEUE BACK UP but everytime i look at my drafts i feel so tired </3 theres ART i want to reblog!!! #ough. some other time. okay! im gonna get my artfight discord channel back up and running for the new artfight season! let's go let's go! #oh and i'll be sure to announce which team im joining obviously hdjfdh it'll probably be the lighthearted one <3 #some of the themes this year are a little off? (stars vs nebula? heart vs soul? arent those the same thing?) but im hoping for the best <3 #okay frfr going now! hope for queue soon maybe if i have time/energy! working on artfight! lets goooooo!! <3

[teobug]

oooh the med switching. is making me want to chew on nails. it is Not Good.

#i dont know if its just the first few days being rough and I need to wait it out but strattera is making me like so. bitch mode. so angry #so irritable and exhausted #but adderall wasn't much better and neither was ritalin #and focalin made me feel worst of all #and ive been on wellbutrin and it Sucked the joy out of Everything #so. do I even have any other options that could work #I just want a brain that isn't like this #I want to function I want to make things I want to stop being absolutely useless #im so tired and so miserable just sitting staring into space like a brick with no brain #i feel so stupid and incapable and I have so many arts and stories and things I want to share and do. but the energy and the focus just. #it isn't there. it never is. I dont know how to exist like this #I just want to cry and be normal and feel better #I want to finish things I start I want to do the art I owe people I want to improve I want to grow #it feels like no matter how hard I struggle and flail and cry and fight it. I can't move #I can't get out of this frustrating little divet i've found myself in #im out of the pits of despair but now im in limbo. and sure its better sometimes. but is it really #its so. aaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh. agh. i dont want to be this way anymore. im going to bed im tired of this stupid fucking brain #delete later #vent