#i know i need to work to be able to afford things but it is so much and my job is so draining in every way

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole if I refused to pay my phone bill?

📱🧾♿️ <- To recognize my post for later :)

The title is probably already a bit of a red flag, but I genuinely didn’t know how else to word it…

For context: I am a disabled, chronically and mentally ill trans guy who recently turned 20. I haven’t left home yet for a lot of reasons, some being that my parents promised to let me live rent-free so long as I was in college (which I am, just not currently for the summer) as well as the fact that they really haven’t raised me to be very independent and rely solely on them (which is honestly a whole other can of worms), but primarily because of my disability. It isn’t safe for me to live on my own, as I faint commonly, cannot stand up for more than maybe fifteen minutes at a time roughly, and sometimes am unable to eat for long periods of time due to debilitating nausea which leads to weakness. I also have severe chronic pain in my limbs and gut, something I’ve had most of my life, while my chronic illness I’ve only had for about a year and a half now and am still struggling to adjust to.

Because of my disability, I also can’t work a traditional job. I offer art commissions online, because I’m very passionate about art and it’s one of the few things I’m good at, and I haul in a decent amount, but certainly not enough to live off of. I make enough to set aside some good savings (I’m currently saving for a wheelchair, as that might grant me more freedom and the potential to get a job at least for the summer) while also indulging myself in buying the occasional fatty treat (I’m very underweight so that’s not an issue, and I was raised essentially in an almond mom household all my life, so this form of eating is really the only sense of control I have over my life, as I’m fully dependent on my parents elsewise).

The issue has come upon relatively recently. I feel like a huge entitled brat for it as well, and if others believe the same, I sincerely don’t blame you.

My mom sat me down the other day and said that she expected me to start paying at least one bill. She offered my cheapest bill (which would be for my phone; my parents bought it, and it’s theirs, they’re just letting me use it as my own.. I don’t own a whole lot of “my” items myself) and asked what I thought about that. I was fully honest with her: if I had a steady stream of income, I wouldn’t hesitate to offer to pay for all of my bills, but with the way it stands, I just don’t make enough month-to-month to regularly afford the bill. I also do my commissions through my phone, so if I could afford the bill, my phone would be turned off, and I’d be unable to continue.

My mom got very upset and started talking to me like a child (though she really has every right to, honestly, and I know that). She went on a very long rant about teaching me responsibility, and how I can’t rely on my parents forever, and that I need to grow up at some point… All things that I fully agree with. I sincerely want to! I want nothing more than to be fully independent. But the way it stands, my parents cover my entire medical bills and they pay for my meds… And I just don’t make enough to survive on my own, and I can just barely afford a meal or two from a sandwich shop I enjoy twice a month to keep my sanity in check because I’m usually bedbound.

I tried explaining to her that I would if I could, sincerely, and that I’m not trying to be a leech or lazy, but she wasn’t having it. She just scolded me and said that if I can afford to eat out every month, then I can afford the phone bill. But again, with the way things are, I don’t think I’d be able to do it every month without tapping into my savings, which again, is for my wheelchair so I can regain some sense of freedom for myself. I’m seriously debating just telling her no straight out, but I don’t know what the aftermath might look like…

So, sincerely: Am I in the wrong here? Should I just swallow my protests and cough up the money somehow? I really don’t know and would love an outside perspective.

#aita #am i the asshole

[canisalbus]

It's probably fair to say that, as a child, Machete's goal was to just survive. Even as a young adult, survival obviously remained a principle goal.

But slowly, over time, he gained power, and is now a cardinal. He no longer struggles to fend off death (weakened constitution notwithstanding.) He probably still sees himself as trying to survive day-to-day, but clearly it becomes more than that, even if he's not fully cognizant of it.

I guess what I'm wondering is, besides "survival", what are Machete's goals? As a cardinal or otherwise. What prevents him from leaving or resigning his post? Does he have aspirations other than Vasco? Does he see himself as subservient to God, or is it something else?

I'd say his aspirations are pretty mundane. Security and stability are probably the biggest priorities overall, financially and health-wise. He doesn't thrive in unreliable and unpredictable surroundings. The fact that he knows he will have his basic needs met for the foreseeable future, there are people ready to prepare him a warm bath at a moment's notice, a reputable doctor to look after him, and armed guards that are never too far away, eases his mind considerably. A large part of his work revolves around routine, carefully crafted plans and immutable etiquette, with relatively few unpleasant surprises. He's so high in the hierarchy that very few people can treat him disrespectfully and get away with it.

He wants to prove that he's capable, competent and useful. His deeply rooted inferiority complex (that largely stems from the demeaning and belittling way his mentor treated him when he was his apprentice) has made him a lifelong overachiever, which in turn has served him well in his career. He's ambitious and driven but I wouldn't call him power-hungry in an egoistical way, he can come across as overbearing but it's because he's a perfectionist control freak who's obsessed with doing his job well and has a tendency to think most people around him aren't up to the task. He isn't in it for fame and wealth in itself, it's more about having a purpose that makes you worthy of respect.

On a more personal level he's passionate about reading, studying and learning. Partly because he's inquisitive and genuinely enjoys it, knows he's good at it and feels good about being good at it, but also because he wants to be the most learned, most cultured and most academic person in the room. Not necessarily for bragging rights, but to feel like being smart will always keep him one step ahead of the others and that way no one can pull the rug from under his feet.

He would never be able to afford the things he wears and the luxuries he has access to if his life hadn't taken the exact turns it did. He spent his early childhood in a monastery and was trained by a priest who valued asceticism and self-denial so he didn't have a lot of nice things growing up. Now as a high ranking church official he has more spending money than he could've imagined, and while he has an expensive taste, he oftentimes fails to enjoy the benefits of his status properly. He has a comfortable home with a massive bed, but it's not uncommon for him to sleep in his office or forgo rest completely. Even though he could be savoring the rarest most complex dishes every day, there aren't a lot of foods he likes eating. He would like to look pretty but even his outlandishly costly and carefully tailored silk garments can't redeem the fact he doesn't feel comfortable in his skin.

He can't resign because his sense of self-worth and lifestyle are tied to his job. It's the one thing he's demonstrably skilled at. He's worked himself to the bone to get where he is now and the prospect of losing it is simply unfathomable. He doesn't have ties to his biological family and his friends are few and far between, if he gave up his position he'd have functionally no one to rely on but Vasco. On top of that he does feel like he owes his life to the church and serving it to his best ability is his lot in life. His state of faith and relationship with God is complicated at best but he's nonetheless terrified of what might happen and how he might be punished if he ever chose to abandon his post.

#answered #nateynate0 #Vaschete lore

[infernalurge]

The Astral Prism Isn't Grindr!- Why the Emperor didn't catfish you.🦑

Very long, rambling post I wrote while manic at 4 am. Enjoy!

I feel like the worst thing you can actually say about Emp in regards to his actions towards the player is that he lies by omission. But even then, to consider it lying you basically have to work from the perspective that you as a player, person, character or whatever, are entitled to know everything about someone you just met, who might have some very good reasons for not wanting to reveal certain things

He didn't "catfish" you the prism isn't grindr lmao?! And the game/companions/etc repeat to you over and over that the Dream Visitor is some kind of manufactured vision. You all have one and it's specific to your individual minds. He wasn't exactly doing some deepcover shit with a fake backstory to get your cryptowallet information or whatever real-life equivalence you keep trying to make. As if you run into alien squid monsters every day or something!

It's doubly bizarre because there is an extremely popular companion character whose entire arc is ACTUALLY lying to you about who they are, only admitting it when you catch them attacking you in your sleep, and then goes on to try to ACTUALLY manipulate you with sex and intimacy while at that point, not actually feeling it. This is the most popular character in the fandom btw- Astarion.

Emperor's morality is held up to a ridiculous standard. Not even the companions are held to that level- not even close!

A better equivalence to his situation than "catfishing" (a term completely exclusive to our world) would be if a sentient, alien creature was stranded on our planet and had to use a disguise to y'know....not be shot at and killed by confused humans? Why the heck would your brain first jump to catfishing? Girl if you approached your DG as a tindr date that's on you! Lliterally the only prompt the game gives you before creating them is "you need a guardian" (At least currently that's how it works, after official release.)

if you met a kind of weird guy and fell for him and he then revealed he's actually a sentient squid monster, I don't think your first response would be "OMG YOU CATFISHED ME?" I'm pretty sure it would be "HOLY FUCK A SQUID MONSTER!" because it would be very obvious and apparent (by virtue of them being a squid monster) that the intent was not to "catfish" you, but to survive a world that would be actively hostile towards him, on sight.

We accept this type of "ambiguous morality for the sake of survival" from characters like Astarion who are traditionally attractive, but we don't accept it from a being whose very appearance, forces them into that position of moral ambiguity. Emperor is not afforded the same privilege of even being able to consider full honesty, because just one look at him could make someone hysterical. Hiding himself from you is not an active choice he's able to make, anymore than a turtle can choose to break open it's shell- it will die.

Even if YOU wouldn't kill him, what about companions like Lae'zal, who are already suspicious of him and will definitely cut him down at that point? Even if you think that would be a good thing, you would then lose your protection from the tadpole/the Absolute. The game basically wouldn't exist without the Prism.

Let's also not use "well Astarion is traumatized" as an excuse here. Emperor is pretty obviously traumatized as well, in addition to being a brain-eating squid monster and having to manage that part of his nature, the way Astarion has to handle his. Yet he's still more up front than Astarion was. Astarion can accidentally kill you while drinking from you and he still doesn't reveal who he is to the others, AND pretends he doesn't know what happened to you lol.

Note my point here isn't "Astarion bad" but simply that if you have room in your heart to sympathize with characters like Astarion, then there's no reason you can't squeeze my man Emp in there too. He doesn't do anything significantly worse than any of the other main characters but is the most hated, and it's literally because of this ridiculous perception of him "catifshing" the player. The most media illiterate take I have ever seen in my life, honestly

Like first off, he's a squid, and secondly! ☝️ Read all that again.

tl;dr if you feel "cafished" by the Emperor you simply weren't paying attention for more than half the game. Fantasy might not be for you if you can't remove the plot from real life circumstances and turn complex fantasy monsters into human romance scammers, as if they're actually alike in any meaningful way.

Read more books maybe. That might help.

#the emperor #bg3 the emperor #emperor #bg3 emperor #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #THIRD WAY I'M SAYING THIS: #this is an emp-positive post #stop going onto positive posts to whine at fans that you still hate the character #we don't do that shit to you with gor/tash or rap/hael or anyone else

[kangamommynow]

Please

I have been on tumblr for 10 years now, and I have made really good friends, most of whom I've never met. A good chunk of them are men around my own age. Some of them I consider very dear and they've talked to me about all kinds of things.

Please. Go to therapy.

I don't mean this in a dismissive way. I really don't. Hear me. Go to therapy.

Men of my generation were still told to suck it up, walk it off. Provide selflessly and ask for nothing. Do it on your own. Don't be weak. Don't be vulnerable. Don't be a pussy. Be strong. It's fucking bullshit and we all know it. That's why there are more suicides among middle aged men than most other groups. They got sold a bullshit ideal and then the world changed and they weren't able to meet the bullshit ideal. They carry guilt and longing and pain and self-loathing.

You need to talk, dammit. You need to put in the work on yourself. For your self-esteem, for your relationships with everyone around you, for your children and your parents and your partners/wives/girlfriends. Put in the damn work. The really hard shit where you look at your own needs and learn you are worth having them met. Where you look at the way you communicate and you work on making it better. Trust me- men of my generation are shit at communicating. Where you look at your past and your present and your future and make decisions that are not based on that bullshit ideal. Where you learn how to see yourself and those around you with some compassion and understanding.

Yeah, there are a lot of crap therapists out there. True. And many folks can't access a therapist for so many reasons. Also true. But if you are capable, you can afford it, you can access it. Please. Go to therapy.

Listen. James was just beginning to go to therapy. He died before he could really deal with the bullshit ideal and find some peace and self-compassion. He died before he could fix his relationships with the people he loved. He died before he could get a handle on his past. He died with regrets and he left me, and others who loved him, with pain because of it. He was trying, and he was a good man. And I loved him. Don't do that.

As your friend. Please. Go to fucking therapy.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I know this is being presented as an Invictus related recce visit by the Sussexes. But let's be honest, there is no way that Nigeria would be able to host Invictus. Not now not in 2027.

Invictus involves participation of 23 different countries. The wounded vets of these 23 countries are treated as national assets. At least officially, on paper and in world stage they are. Nigeria being a security threat, level 4 in some places of the country, would be a big no no. Govt of these 23 countries would not allow their nationals, let alone decorated veterans, to go enmass to a country like that. The govt protocol would simply not allow that.

It's not about whether Nigeria can afford financially to host the event. It's not about how well this so-called tour goes. It's not about tourism and promoting it (which again, for the same reasons as above, becomes practically impossible).

A speculation is that this is probably about some behind the scenes deals. Since the military is involved we know this is true to some extent. We know the UK is not involved, but Harry has worked with the US military closely over the past 2 years. (For what purpose, God only knows). So maybe they are involved. And this tour is a good stage setting to take some meetings while everyone is focussed on Meghan's fashion. Lol

I would be interested in seeing who accompanies them. How big or small their entoury is. Who exactly is travelling with them. Or travel for this thing. All the names. Who meets them. How they travel to and from the country. What events they attend and where.

Since you are the national security anon I wouldn't need to spell this out for you, but you know how these would/could. I think this is a dummy visit, the real purpose is something else. And Harry and Meghan are just getting the money for Invictus and good PR in return so they are going along with it. I wouldn't go so far as to say H is a secret agent, he isn't smart enough for that. But he is a good patsy. A willing patsy. All he needs is his ego massaged. So he is a usable patsy.

Nigeria would be hosting the 2029 games. Plenty of time for them to turn it around if they wanted to but I think Nigeria is just playing chess, using the Sussexes to get more from the UK/Commonwealth while balancing offers from Russia and China too.

#sussexes #invictus games

[thezombieprostitute]

Mace? and a kiss...passionately?

🥹

Thank you, so much, for your patience! This ended up being the first installment of Mace x DC's second arc for the Garbage Men AU.

Frayed

Summary: There are so many new things happening in your life that the only two things you can count on are your boyfriend, Mace, and that your life is almost always in danger. 

A/N: Reader is female. No physical descriptors used.

Word Count: ~1k

Warnings: Implied violence, Talk of guns. Please let me know if I missed any!

Mace hangs up the phone after Curtis tells him the news. He’d suspected Franco would be doing his own thing. After all, Wilford & Gilliam was crumbling from the lawsuits and they couldn’t afford to keep him paid, let alone under their thumb. At least there was one thing they could easily predict: he was targeting you. 

Even though Franco the Younger’s body had never been found, and never would be, he’d last been seen at your trial and the wrong people knew the Family was protecting you. Franco the Elder couldn’t do anything to the Garbage Men or their Family, but he could hurt you. As much as Jake had tried to hide your new job and address there was only so much he could do. It wasn’t likely Franco would find you, but it was still a possibility. And Mace was careful to do everything he could to help you hide. 

Part of that was dropping you off at work in the morning and picking you up in the evening. It wasn’t a long drive but he felt better keeping you out of the open air. He’d also helped you get some training with guns. You’d wanted a stun gun but you had to go through gun safety certification courses to get one. Mace had argued that practice with both wouldn’t be a bad thing. The giant brick of a stun gun was now safely secured in your purse, along with your license for it.

You and Mace had adopted the same check-in method as Curtis and Teach. It was nice to send and receive cute, loving text messages throughout the day. Especially when work was frustrating, which it often was. A text, heavy with heart emojis, from you has kept Mace from bashing a malfunctioning A/C unit. A pun from Mace made you laugh so hard you forgot what was angering you before reading it. 

By the end of your work day you are exhausted. You’ve been working on the machinery and helping admin with their terminology for grant proposals to get upgraded medical supplies. The work was tiring but at least it was also rewarding. Given the number of people the free clinic helped, you wonder if there should be at least one more in the area. Maybe you’ll bring it up with Mace or Teach. 

Mace’s work truck pulls up to the clinic and you enter the passenger seat. You smile at the bag of your favorite takeout.

“Working late I take it,” you comment.

“Unfortunately,” Mace nods. “But we got some suspicious activity from Franco and I wanted to make sure to relay it to you before going back to work.” You nod as you grab some comfort fries. Mace tells you about how they’ve confirmed Franco is stocking up on small arms munition. The current idea is that he’s going to be supplying a group to distract while he goes after his real target. 

“I know this is a lot,” Mace says. “But I also know you. The more information you have about a situation the better you’re able to process it.” 

You nod your thanks, your mind processing everything with the help of the french fries. “Thank you for that, by the way. You’re not trying to ‘protect’ me by withholding information. I’m really grateful for that.”

“Forewarned is forearmed, right?”

“I don’t know what my arms have to do with it,” you say innocently while giving him a grin.

He chuckles as he pulls the truck up to your apartment building. “If you need me before I get back you call me, okay?”

“Of course,” you say as you lean over the divider and kiss him on the cheek. You give him a wave as you enter the building. 

As soon as you’re out of sight Mace’s smile turns sad. He’s supposed to be making up for lost time but his work is getting in the way. The only solace he has is that work also keeps you safe. 

“I can’t thank you enough, Mr. Mace,” the resident says as Mace finishes up. “I feel kinda bad for calling you up for an emergency.”

“We’re looking at an upcoming heatwave and your A/C unit isn’t working,” Mace sums up. “Sounds like an emergency situation to me.”

“Thank you for seeing it like that,” she replies. “This has to be the best apartment complex I’ve ever lived in. And I’ve lived in a lot of them over the years.”

“I hear that a lot. I’m glad we can be so good for our residents.”

“Just promise me you’re keeping safe, Mr. Mace?”

“Always,” he affirms. 

“I’ve just been hearing such awful rumors from Mrs. Chen, at the corner-store?” Mace nods that he knows who she’s talking about and she continues. “She swears she’s been seeing more people in the area walking around with handguns. Whenever anyone asks they spout some ‘dangerous times’ nonsense. I mean, I know it’s not completely nonsense but still. It just feels like more guns equals more danger, you know?”

“That I do, ma’am.”

As Mace heads back to his truck and gets ready to go home to you, a thought hits him. He texts his idea to Curtis to see if there’s anything there. He’s not expecting an immediate answer so he focuses on getting back to you.

When Mace gets home he smiles at the sight before him. You’re on the couch, watching a show, wearing one of his favorite shirts and a pair of pajama shorts. You smile at him and sit up, holding out your arms, eager to hold him. 

As soon as he’s in reach, he grabs your arms, pulling you up, and gives you a most passionate kiss. It’s intense yet gentle in a way that makes your legs weak. His strong arms keep you pressed tight against his muscular chest and you manage to wrap your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. He moans in pleasure as you return his kiss with the same fervor. 

Unfortunately, you need air so you break the kiss, chuckling as his face follows yours, seeking more kissing. 

“What brought that on,” you ask.

“Missed you,” he mumbles. “And you look so damn beautiful.”

“You’re completely whipped, you know that?”

“And?”

“And I missed you, too,” you admit before you kiss again.

Tagging everyone who had asked to be tagged in Sparks Fly. Please let me know if you'd like to be added or removed from the list.

@alicedopey

@chibijusstuff

@fluxxdog

@icefrozendeadlyqueen

@jamneuromain

@jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory

@rebekahdawkins

@texmexdarling

#mafia!james mace #mob!james mace #james mace x reader #mace x reader #mafia au #mafia!mace #mob!mace

[bunnihearted]

🐁☁️🌫️

#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant #nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it #it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer #ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know #it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are #but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom #bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park #i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that #i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none #my sisters havent talked for me in over a year #and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w #nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao #i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots #i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol????? #im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay #and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like #when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!! #im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing? #other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing????? #and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things #i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))

[fatcowboys]

frustrating how fucking. disabling. being disabled is rn. im tired

#migraine buddy helpfully showed me my midas score which puts me in severely disabled bc of my migraines based on their impact #which on one hand was helpful in a sense of like. hey dude. these things fuck you up and have a huge impact and jts a thing #most peiple dont have to deal with. but also was like. god yeah i sure am and also i sure am still working full time and having to just. #work thru them and cope bc i certainly cant afford to have less money #its so fuckin i furiating being disabled in the us. i cant stop working bc then ill loose my healthcare which still costs me so much money #scream. tired. #my PA for nurtec was denied bc my ins wants me to try a diff one first #which is stupid bc like one why do u get to override my dr for your budget. #why does my healthcare need to suffer because youre cheap. you arent living with this shit. #and also the alternatives they suggested are injection based which. is scary for me as someone who used to have a terrible needle phobia #jax is able to help me w them which is good bc i know i cant give myself them (maybe could do the auto injectors but idk) #but its still so. why are u like thia. also it took u so long to deny my PA and im on no preventatives rn waiting for Something #to be approved. ugh. scream.

[katyspersonal]

It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one

#/vent #personal #and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one #previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together #this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed #but again it got solved #I really want the power to move on without having a closure. #I hope I will be strong enough for it one day. #I just need to think.. #I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats #(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going) #as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them #until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression #I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world. #I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally #I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I #it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth #and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them #so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change #maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess

[aewrie]

'once a week or more' well rip

my default state of being when i'm not having a bad day is a little tired & nursing a budding headache. i have a headache right now that i'm ignoring

is this going to be another of those 'there is no such thing as a 'mild' concussion, if you hit your head bad enough to black out it is a concussion' lmao???

i get headaches from fucking everything. weather/air pressure (low and high). low/high blood sugar or too rapid changes there. too bright/dim light (at home i am specific about my lights/curtains at different points of the day/depending on how bright it's outside to avoid these). rapid repetitive/jarring physical motions (just jumping a little can be enough/make it worse). muscle tension. doing stretching/exercise that gets blood really flowing. lack of and/or bad sleep, or too much sleep. getting (strongly) emotional. caffeine (a new exiting one! only started regularly drinking coffee fairly recently. how much caffeine is too much is a fucking mystery though). i should wear glasses (myopia, not too severe) but i avoid it unless i need to see that far that well in part bc the glasses pressing on my temples give me headaches more easily than my eyes being slightly tired does.

i'm probably forgetting a bunch more

but every time i've seen people describe migraines i've thought well mine aren't anywhere near that severe/those specific kinds of headaches so No Way it's that

but. i do have other symptoms on that list? i just never thought it might be related to my headaches bc i'd not seen those mentioned, at least not in a way that i could identify as something i should consider in connection to this, and there's always the huge stress that migraines are always extra super bad to the point that a Real migraine completely disables you for a while. while to me it's. it's annoying, it hurts, if it's particularly bad it can make things more difficult but not impossible/near impossible; just, a general It's Not That Bad, therefore normal and i should just deal with it

#i should probably try to keep a diary of this crap for a while #i am looking at additional symptom lists from should-be-reliable sources and it's not looking great #yourebablingjulle #best part is i actually mentioned this offhand to a doctor once a few years back while discussing other stuff and he basically went #yeah it's normal some people just get headaches more easily #not sure how i phrased it or if he understood how frequent my headaches are #work stress definitely contributes so it's gotten worse since that time period tho #i often avoid painkillers or strategically schedule taking them bc otherwise i'm having them near constantly #most notably i might bear through a few hours of a semi-bad one if i know i need it later to be able to sleep ok #(not too common but it happens) #bc at their worst they do fuck with my already sketchy ability to sleep #melatonin thankfully works for me and it is a lifesaver #one other thing i know works is acupuncture but one session costs almost as much as a year's supply of melatonin and that Not affordable #(i had ~a year while recovering from depression/burnout where i could have ear acupuncture done weekly without having to pay for it #figured that if nothing else i get to chill for a bit on a regular basis. scheduled no-stress time. #when the nurse was unavailable at times and couldn't do it i realized i slept noticeably better when i got my ears poked regularly)

[thedreadvampy]

idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

#red said #the thing my therapist keeps pointing out is like. i got on this adulthood thing WAY too early #metaphorically i have Had To Go To Work In The Morning since i was like. 4. bc i am congenitally incapable of #Not Thinking About Consequences. and it's so important to be Good and Tough and Have It Together #but like. maybe if id done more crying and melting down when i DIDN'T Have To Go To Work In The Morning bc i was a Literal Infant #i might be a more balanced adult now that i actually DO. Have To Go To Work In The Morning. #what do people like. do. when they have to have feelings but also meet adult responsibilities? impossible. gotta choose. #i think it doesn't help that i already really struggle to work a full time job. like I'm already late basically every day bc i a night guy #so it's like. there's no give in this. maybe if i was back into a 3-4 day week? but idk if i can afford that #but also the work is only partly work. it's also like. having human relationships. eating. washing. being a person. #but idk. like. until i have some genuinely open-ended time i think I'm gonna always find it impossible to actually let go #i said in therapy it's like. like sadness specifically is like a thick muddy bog. and i can dip a foot in it #but bc i know i need to be able to keep moving #i can only stick a foot in and deal with a bit of it if I'm holding onto something. so in practise i can only cry #right before it becomes inappropriate to cry. so like. end of a therapy session. heading to a train station after seeing someone. #that kind of thing. it's a safety thing. #it would be much more effectively Dealing With to go dive into the bog and plough through it #but I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE and i have to like. come out all muddy and deal with that #and there's always somewhere i gotta be soon. i can't just jump into the mud. not cause I'll get hurt i just Don't Have Time #anyway. feelings. how do they work. embarrassed about having them. embarrassed about suppressing them. generally just embarrassed.

[seedlessmuffins]

.

#i think ive been burnt out for awhile #like exhausted nothing makes me happy anymore burnt out #i know i need to work to be able to afford things but it is so much and my job is so draining in every way #i feel guilty because i was late to work today i slept through my alarm #but it is because im so stressed all the time my body just doesnt respond anymore #ive worked like 8-13 hour days every day for the past two months and at this point im tired #i dont know if i can do this anymore but genuinely if i dont i will not be able to afford school next year #its a struggle #and then i feel guilty not answering texts or asks even though i love getting them and reading them #because i legitimately dont have the energy to reply #its also why ive been a bit less active but i dont have the energy for it #it makes me feel guilty which makes me feel worse and just sends me deeper into the spiral #it will get better but im not at the positivity place yet #it will get better but right now it fucking sucks and i am absolutely bone deep exhausted and tired of waking up #im in an ok place but i just need to be taken out of time for a bit #k.

[featureenvyproductions]

Going to forever keep advertising my shit with tropes because do I have to? No. Am I too "stupid" to do it another way? No, not really. And as you've all seen, I also am perfectly capable of writing real blurbs and do write real blurbs. But I think it's fun to make the pic with the tropes anyway and have that around too. And also it keeps the pretentious people away. The sort who don't understand reading is not always for taking a "discomfort" vitamin because they A) are privileged enough to not have discomfort every day of their life to need to escape from or B) are fresh out of college and haven't discovered the joys of/have been shamed OUT of reading as a fun low pressure thing they can do to escape when they're fucking tired (and they think this sort of thing is new with fanfic and not more or less how "trash" lit like romance novels are marketed), as opposed to reading as some sort of Moral Duty To Be Deep that was instilled in them by a middle aged straight white English professor who thinks one can fulfill this by writing 10 pages about books where people scream at each other, have affairs with young women, or Make Up A Guy to warn people about things that Could Happen (that *cough* already happen to marginalized people *cough*) Anyway it's my version of a scarecrow. Firing shots to keep the rent low. Come take a seat next to me in the dumpster my fellow raccoons.

#Doing this for music of my heart for one day when I cram it all into a delicious tropey collection #God the only thing I hate about this post though is how the length of that sentence reminds me of Charles Dickens I fuckin hate that guy #I love being a shallow gremlin it's part of my brand #I jest but tbh I just am so over that stuff #It's another version of trashing romance novels or pop music or whatever to feel deep #Like if you were really deep #You would conceive of the breadth of humanity - only a fraction of which is inherently graspable by you on a deeper level #You would conceive of the fact that the experiences of the collective of humanity amount to 8 billion inner universes #You would conceive of how the ultimate 'depth' is accepting that you will only ever dip your finger into the surface of the lake #Of human experience #And that nothing hints at the existence of this lake more than someone being able to take joy in or find value #In something which you are fundamentally incapable of inherently ascribing value to - a truth that there's absolutely no fault in #aside from the fault of believing a value is universal because you possess it #This is also sort of like that thing where I talk like a caffienated teenager in a 2003 deviant art forum #But I can whip out the 'correct' grammar and spelling as needed to shut someone up who's being needlessly pretentious #I know this will get no notes and you'll think me a fool shooting myself in the foot but I really don't care #1) I have a day job so I can afford all the attitude I want #And 2) I feel like the people who like my stuff get it....and that's fine with me #if my friends and regulars like things that's good enough for me #Also sorry while we're at it we should probably talk about how thinking fanfic is inherently stupid #Or not a valuable form of reading material #Is deeply linked with homophobia and misogyny #There are a LOT of problems with fanfic but they mostly have to do with people focusing on derivative work at the expense of #Indie creators getting attention for original work that doesn't benefit from a corporations' billions of dollars of marketing

[zebrafiz]

quick life update teehee

#so my job is going well! im still learning things but ive gotten into my groove w it #ive definitely experienced a lot of shit dfkhgkgkj..... snake ultrasound last friday btw. that was crazy #its a very emotionally taxxing job and i def know i cant do vetmed full time as a career but i dont want to rule out other fields with anim #ls bc i do genuinely like it! just the medical field is very difficult at times fdkjhgkjdf #ive been dreamingggg of working at a cat sanctuary or cat cafe #secondly! ive applied to 1 university so far! ive got like 5/6 more i need to apply to soon as well.. i plan on going next spring! #my 21st is in a few weeks and i want to hopefully go to epcot and do that drinking around the countries thing if we can afford it #also my laptop has been being a major bitch so i havent been able to get far w ts4 even if i wanted to.. but im gonna try today #lastlyyyy ive been crying abt sad boy and lola and baby bird all weekend #personal

[the-casbah-way]

very impossible to find the balance between "i want my friends to be able to talk to me about their problems and tell me when they're struggling" and "i am extremely emotionally fragile at the moment because i'm doing very badly and talking about very heavy topics especially with no warning is not something i feel capable of dealing with right now because i'm on the verge of a violent mental breakdown"

#i guess i need to find a way of telling people that i'm in that headspace in the first place #because i probably seem completely fine #but i can't tell people those things unless they explicitly invite me to do so first #so i'm assuming everyone just looks at me and goes yeah you seem fine so i can unload all this heavy stuff on you and you'll be able to cop #but unfortunately. i cannot and i feel guilty about it #but i already have way more bad days than good and when i have to hear people talking about like #very intense personal trauma and suicide and shit #it throws me off for the rest of the day and i go nonverbal until i can go straight home and sob until i fall asleep #and that is not an exaggeration it keeps happening to me with multiple different people #i don't want anyone to feel like they have to pretend around me in any way #but i also don't know how to cope with hearing intense things like this when i'm on a knife's edge mentally all the time #and i cannot afford to keep cutting my days so much shorter when i should be working #and also like when people DO talk to me about these things it's like #it's good they can get it off their chest #but now i'm holding onto all of the stuff they've just told me as well as the stuff i was already secretly holding onto about my own life #and now i have to go home alone with nowhere to put any of it because i don't have anyone to talk to #i've had people tell me this is therapeutic to talk about this stuff #but it's not for me because i'm not talking i'm just listening and then being overwhelmed and triggered and upset about it all #and most of it probably boils down to the fact that i cannot express my own feelings or tell people my boundaries #in situations this sensitive because it's so like. precarious and awkward #but i'm like i can't deal with it all the time it's too much

[voidimp]

man i would love to be asleep but unfortunately my brain

#we love an undiagnosed sleep disorder #that might actually be a heart problem who fucking knows ill find out in uhhh a little while #eventually. idk how long it takes to get the results #all we know is its very much not sleep apnea (i did not think it was sleep apnea but they made me get tested for it anyway) #(and then said well its not that!! good luck. also ur heart did a weird thing so go get that checked out maybe) #so now i have to get a heart monitor like yaaaaay medical bills #do u know how much it costs to get a proper sleep study that like actually measures ur brainwaves #like literally thousands of dollars apparently. & they have SPECIFIC HOURS that u have to sleep for it?? like... i work second shift tho #not that they even really gave me the option for it. i mean ig i couldve asked but i wouldnt be able to afford it anyway #i think theres sort of an in between test thats not as good where u gotta stick shit on ur head at home maybe ill ask abt that eventually #but i already spent almost 300 on the sleep apnea test that i didnt even need ://