thedreadvampy

[thedreadvampy]

cred: Suzanne Shifflett

[thedreadvampy]

Jujitsu class got me showing up to work with somewhat suspicious bruising and a sore neck from being choked. 10/10 would recommend.

#red said #gotta say like as someone who. the majority of physical abuse I've experienced has involved being thrown around #dragged around and choked #there is something weirdly emptying about these classes #i think it's less the learning to defend against it and more the idea that I'm doing it in a safe place #like with people who don't actually want to hurt me physically or emotionally #and I'm allowed to fight back and i won't be treated like I'm trying to hurt THEM physically or emotionally #I'm not particularly good at it cause I've got the strength and flexibility but i keep forgetting what I'm trying to do #like OK GOT OUT OF YOUR LOCK GOT YOUR ARM CONTROLLED. wait what was the next bit? oh no i lose. #but i often can't even cope with people TOUCHING my neck and not only did we do several moves that involved pushing on each others throats #but when i sparred with the tutor he had me in two different chokeholds plus one i wriggled out of and i had a GREAT time #it's SO DIFFERENT to do stuff where you trust the people you're with #EMPOWERING not EMPTYING those are very different words

[thedreadvampy]

This might suck to hear, but if you're a people pleaser that is motivated by praise and avoids disagreements, you are easy to manipulate.

When I was in therapy after surviving years of domestic violence, my therapist had to tell me that my personality was primed for abuse and we needed to work on that so I would be better equipped to see the red flags and respond appropriately in the future.

I'm still working on this, and it's been 8 years. If you tell someone how you want to be treated, what behaviors you don't tolerate in your life, what you're looking for in that relationship, and they react negatively, don't compromise yourself. Just move on.

This one's for all the praise-kink girlies: differentiate, self-actualize, stay sexy

#this is what i mean when i say while it wasn't my FAULT that people hurt me #it was something that needed to change IN ME for it to stop #i needed to start finding validation in something other than being easy and useful and likeable to even people i hated or who scared me

[thedreadvampy]

[thedreadvampy]

according to wikipedia there are 44-50 countries in europe so i just went with 50. have fun!

#i think 14 #UK Ireland France Germany Belgium Netherlands Norway Poland Czechia Austria Hungary Romania Malta Spain (but only Ibiza) #I've been through a few more but only on a sleeper train so i don't think it counts #or i guess 17 if you break the UK into constituent nations. been to England Wales Scotland and NI.

[thedreadvampy]

[thedreadvampy]

1, 2, and 4 for the soft ask game

what song makes you feel better?

Idk I love music there are so many options. Let's go wiiiiiiith Electric Chapel by Lady Gaga

what’s your feel-good movie?

Easy answer is 10 Things I Hate About You. All time banger tbh and I have watched it probably 40 times. But I also stan for Nina's Heavenly Delights, it's a janky indie joint but it's just SO CUTE.

what flower would you like to be given?

honestly any flower is good. my friend got me tulips for my birthday last month and that was really nice. I love a relatively simply shaped, fresh flower like a peony or a poppy.

#red said

[thedreadvampy]

first of all this is an interesting specification to make imo

also on the next page she refers to the unsettled sense of self and the sense of fragility following trauma as "the destroyed self" which. I have some FEELINGS about. ~survivor activism~ my ass.

I'm trying to give Conflict Is Not Abuse a fair shake because I think it's important to unpick overstatement of harm.

and the introduction felt really clear and coherent and strong in laying out the thesis; acts of harm occur when one of both parties construe the other as having threatened them, and often that threat is not real and could be avoided through reflection and communication.

so she swings into chapter 1 with the idea that we're all responsible for reflecting on conflict rather than immediately jumping to the worst case We Are Enemies Now scenario

ah yes. I agree.

she chooses to illustrate this idea in several ways:

If I flirt with someone I assume she might interpret it as harassment, but she should consider that we're both fine actually because Actually she's probably interested in me but struggles to recognise her own feelings.

A friend is under huge pressure and has to cancel plans last minute so she sends me an email, but I don't WANT an email so she should be understanding and spend 5-10 minutes on the phone so I feel better, and the fact she doesn't means she doesn't care about me

Sometimes Women Say No But Mean Yes

A woman I went on a date with didn't text me back. I'm going to devote 2 pages to how she's clearly full of rage at me because she's unfairly judging me for being overbearing, which is very short sighted of her. At no point in that do I offer any possible explanation for not texting other than She Despises Me.

My most charitable response here is yeah Sarah you're right we should reflect on whether we're assuming harm in arguments. Can I suggest you start by turning the mirror around real quick? cause not one of these examples involves the possibility that she might be making some assumptions of her own.

#red said

[thedreadvampy]

i made this poll a while ago and watermelon won, which to say the least had many members of the mangoenthusiast.com up in arms about it, so settle this for once and all

no third option, propaganda is welcome. reblog after voting <3

#it's mango. it's obviously mango. vote for mango.

[thedreadvampy]

soft asks to get to know people

what song makes you feel better?

what’s your feel-good movie?

what’s your favorite candle scent?

what flower would you like to be given?

who do you feel most you around?

say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

what color brings you peace?

tag someone (or multiple people) who make you feel good. 

what calms you down?

what’s something you’re excited for?

what’s your ideal date?

how are you?

what’s your comfort food?

favorite feel-good show?

for every emoji you get, tag someone and describe them in one word.

compliment the person who sent you this number.

fairy lights or LED lights?

do you still love stuffed animals?

most important thing in your life?

what do you want most in the world right now?

if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

what would you say to your future self?

favorite piece of clothing?

what’s something you do to de-stress?

what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.)

what movie would you want to live in?

which character would you want to be?

hugs or hand-holding?

morning, afternoon or night?

what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

#ask meme

[thedreadvampy]

Another reason I want more Addams Family with the 90s cast is I think it would be so nice to see Morticia uncorseted and aging gracefully. I don't think she'd go full Grandmama but do you really think an Addams is afraid of wrinkles and cellulite?

Look me in the eye and tell me Anjelica Huston doesn't still have it.

[thedreadvampy]

#SAM LOOK!!!!!!

[thedreadvampy]

posts which I appealed in 2017 but are still inexplicably marked as explicit content:

this one I will grant you does look like sexual content. it's NOT, it's a figure sketch, but fair dos

#red said #I'm posting this bc i was looking back through my art blog and realised the MAJORITY of drawings i did for my MA can't be viewed

[thedreadvampy]

She brings up Palestine a lot in this book and initially I was like yes, ok, this makes sense because Israel's presentation of the conflict as a two-sided war where Israel is under constant threat and just defending itself is a good example of DARVO and overstatement of harm on a geopolitical scale.

however I'm now 1/3 of the way through and increasingly suspicious that actually the narrative she's going with is "the systems leading to the genocide of Palestinians are EXACTLY THE SAME as people asking me to respect their boundaries or be self critical." which is. Hmmmm. It's A Take.

I'm trying to give Conflict Is Not Abuse a fair shake because I think it's important to unpick overstatement of harm.

and the introduction felt really clear and coherent and strong in laying out the thesis; acts of harm occur when one of both parties construe the other as having threatened them, and often that threat is not real and could be avoided through reflection and communication.

so she swings into chapter 1 with the idea that we're all responsible for reflecting on conflict rather than immediately jumping to the worst case We Are Enemies Now scenario

ah yes. I agree.

she chooses to illustrate this idea in several ways:

If I flirt with someone I assume she might interpret it as harassment, but she should consider that we're both fine actually because Actually she's probably interested in me but struggles to recognise her own feelings.

A friend is under huge pressure and has to cancel plans last minute so she sends me an email, but I don't WANT an email so she should be understanding and spend 5-10 minutes on the phone so I feel better, and the fact she doesn't means she doesn't care about me

Sometimes Women Say No But Mean Yes

A woman I went on a date with didn't text me back. I'm going to devote 2 pages to how she's clearly full of rage at me because she's unfairly judging me for being overbearing, which is very short sighted of her. At no point in that do I offer any possible explanation for not texting other than She Despises Me.

My most charitable response here is yeah Sarah you're right we should reflect on whether we're assuming harm in arguments. Can I suggest you start by turning the mirror around real quick? cause not one of these examples involves the possibility that she might be making some assumptions of her own.

#red said

[thedreadvampy]

"[the man resistant to acknowledging misdeeds] is petty, the kind of person who sends an attacking email and then, when the recipient phones to discuss it, won't take the call"

Ok Sarah I get it a Black student called you out and you didn't feel he was open enough to letting you have the last word. This is however the third time in 145 pages that you've brought it up, so maybe get the fuck over it and send an email instead of writing a fucking thesis about how you're right actually.

I'm trying to give Conflict Is Not Abuse a fair shake because I think it's important to unpick overstatement of harm.

and the introduction felt really clear and coherent and strong in laying out the thesis; acts of harm occur when one of both parties construe the other as having threatened them, and often that threat is not real and could be avoided through reflection and communication.

so she swings into chapter 1 with the idea that we're all responsible for reflecting on conflict rather than immediately jumping to the worst case We Are Enemies Now scenario

ah yes. I agree.

she chooses to illustrate this idea in several ways:

If I flirt with someone I assume she might interpret it as harassment, but she should consider that we're both fine actually because Actually she's probably interested in me but struggles to recognise her own feelings.

A friend is under huge pressure and has to cancel plans last minute so she sends me an email, but I don't WANT an email so she should be understanding and spend 5-10 minutes on the phone so I feel better, and the fact she doesn't means she doesn't care about me

Sometimes Women Say No But Mean Yes

A woman I went on a date with didn't text me back. I'm going to devote 2 pages to how she's clearly full of rage at me because she's unfairly judging me for being overbearing, which is very short sighted of her. At no point in that do I offer any possible explanation for not texting other than She Despises Me.

My most charitable response here is yeah Sarah you're right we should reflect on whether we're assuming harm in arguments. Can I suggest you start by turning the mirror around real quick? cause not one of these examples involves the possibility that she might be making some assumptions of her own.

#red said

[thedreadvampy]

in the last 2 chapters:

Literally All Men In Canada claiming to have caught HIV from women are almost certainly lying to gain compassion

"I'm the opposite of a Buddhist because I believe in action"

I'm genuinely fascinated by this book because every page gives me whiplash. I will be nodding along to her overarching point - yes, criminalising HIV+ status is fucked and creates a systemic exclusion from society and disincentive to seek care! yes it disproportionately targets women of colour! - and then she will just draw the most batshit conclusions or throw in the most overtly bigoted asides and I'm like SARAH WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS

I'm trying to give Conflict Is Not Abuse a fair shake because I think it's important to unpick overstatement of harm.

and the introduction felt really clear and coherent and strong in laying out the thesis; acts of harm occur when one of both parties construe the other as having threatened them, and often that threat is not real and could be avoided through reflection and communication.

so she swings into chapter 1 with the idea that we're all responsible for reflecting on conflict rather than immediately jumping to the worst case We Are Enemies Now scenario

ah yes. I agree.

she chooses to illustrate this idea in several ways:

If I flirt with someone I assume she might interpret it as harassment, but she should consider that we're both fine actually because Actually she's probably interested in me but struggles to recognise her own feelings.

A friend is under huge pressure and has to cancel plans last minute so she sends me an email, but I don't WANT an email so she should be understanding and spend 5-10 minutes on the phone so I feel better, and the fact she doesn't means she doesn't care about me

Sometimes Women Say No But Mean Yes

A woman I went on a date with didn't text me back. I'm going to devote 2 pages to how she's clearly full of rage at me because she's unfairly judging me for being overbearing, which is very short sighted of her. At no point in that do I offer any possible explanation for not texting other than She Despises Me.

My most charitable response here is yeah Sarah you're right we should reflect on whether we're assuming harm in arguments. Can I suggest you start by turning the mirror around real quick? cause not one of these examples involves the possibility that she might be making some assumptions of her own.

#red said

[thedreadvampy]

ugh idk what's going on with me lately but I was having a perfectly reasonable dream about going to a party and getting high with Snoop Dogg and it turned by a fairly logical progression into an extremely on the nose trauma dream.

I think my beef is usually when I have these kinds of dreams my brain invents a guy. and in this one my brain DID invent a guy and then did a bait and switch and instead made the Bad Thing happen with a real person in my life who I love. So THANKS FOR THAT BRAIN. FUCKER.

#red said #in the dream i left the party to go and find a place to break up with my (invented for this dream) boyfriend #who was upset that we weren't having sex. which is for me a situation with a lot of Ungood History #but like while i was figuring out my approach a Real Person from my Real Life came in and started having the same complaint #and things got very violent which in real life they would NEVER DO and i knew that in the dream too so it was even more of a betrayal #anyway I'm mad about it. wish i didn't have a brain.