#it's been really hard to not intimidate myself out of drawing projects these days | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

emeralddaydream · 3 years

Text

𝙸𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙻𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝙸𝚜 𝙼𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝙾𝚏?

Kit x GN!Reader

Rating: General

Word Count: 2848

Warnings: None, just lots of fluff✨

Requested by Anon: Mayhaps prompt 84 (“No, Mom, don’t tell him/her I said that about him/her!”) with Kit Walker, but instead he's talking to Jude, Thomas, and Julia. Kit had been dating you for a while and he accidentally had let it slip that he loves you to his family (they all tease him about it constantly). You were planning on visiting later (so everyone could go to the park together or do some other adorable activity) and Kit just knows that someone is going to tell you, and he is trying desperately to avoid that

A/N: Okay, firstly, anon, thank you so much for your lovely message. I haven't been too kind to myself lately (workin' on it), so I really appreciate you being so understanding💜

I kind of went off the rails with this one, and it doesn't actually include the prompt sentence, and the prompt itself is a lil different, but same basic idea, I think... I really hope you like it!!

Also, Jude is healthy bc I refuse to make this angsty.

The title comes from 'I Think I Love You' by The Partridge Family, and on that note, I'm also dedicating this to one of my favorite humans. She's not really into AHS, but David Cassidy is her mans, so Sierra, this one's for you!! Thank you for always being a wonderful friend💜💕

“Jude, I need your help.”

In general, Kit Walker considers himself to be a pretty easy-going guy; usually, there isn't much that gets to him. But today’s different. There’s something that he’s simultaneously ecstatic about and dreading.

Today's the day you’ll be meeting his family for the first time.

“With?” Jude’s smirking amusedly where she sits across from him at the kitchen table sorting dish ware and arranging it carefully in the picnic basket in front of her. Kit glances at the clock on the wall and sighs; he's got just over an hour before he, Jude and the kids are supposed to meet you at the park, and he couldn’t be much more anxious about it if he tried... Not for nothing, though.

“I just wanna make sure today goes well.” He finishes wrapping the sandwich in his hand, placing it in the basket to join the plates.

“And you don’t think it will?” Jude raises an eyebrow; she may be a particularly perceptive woman, but it isn't very difficult to see that there's something Kit isn't saying.

His mind drifts for a moment to the other night, when he and Jude sat in the living room, chatting quietly after the kids had gone to sleep. She’d asked about you, and before Kit knew it, he was spilling his guts to her, finally speaking the words he’s been unable to say to you. It’d felt amazing to finally get them out... until he noticed Julia peaking around the door frame, brown eyes trained on he and Jude She scurried off, giggling quietly down the hall, and when he asked her about it the next day, it was clear to Kit that his daughter had heard the entire conversation. And it didn’t need to be said that she had told Thomas; the two of them have never kept anything from each other in their lives…

“I hope it does.” Kit replies after several moments of silence. He’s not at all concerned about whether or not you’ll get along with his family. There’s no doubt in his mind that Jude will be taken, and the kids are going to adore you. “I just need help makin’ sure they don’t say anything.” He glances toward the two small figures in the next room where they lie on the floor, markers in hand as they draw colorful pictures and fill out puzzles from the day-old newspaper Jude had provided to keep them occupied.

“About?” Jude's smirk grows into a playful grin. She’s having fun with this; a little too much, in Kit’s opinion. He scowls and she laughs quietly.

“About... y’know?”

“About how you love them?” Jude’s voice carries into the next room a bit too loudly for Kit’s liking, and his eyes go wide. He places a finger to his lips, eyes darting to the children to make sure they’re still distracted; so far, so good.

“Yes.”

“Well, when are you going to tell her? You’re not getting any younger, y’know.” Kit's unable to stop the smile that breaks across his face.

“Soon. I just… need to find the right moment.”

“There’s no such thing as the right moment, Walker," she chortles, rolling a bundle of silverware into a napkin. “But…I’ll do my best.” Kit smiles gratefully, but she shakes her head continuing. “But they’re kids. Kids'll say whatever they want to.” Knowing she's right, Kit groans, running a hand through his hair before feeling around in the pocket of his jeans for his pack of cigarettes.

He's in for an interesting day.

——

The worn wood of the bench feels rough under your fingers as you tap against it anxiously. You take a quick peak to your right again, in search of the vehicle you’re waiting for. It’s a big day. In just- you glance down at your watch for the fifth time – two and a half minutes, your boyfriend is supposed to arrive with his family.

It terrifies you.

It’s not that you have any issues with kids. You love them. Becoming a parent has always been a part of the plan for you. However, you don’t have much experience with them and, this is the first time you’ve ever been with someone with children of their own. It’s... intimidating.

Kit, however, has been nothing but reassuring. A small smile crosses your face, thinking of the last thing he’d said to you when he'd called last night. Don’t worry, babe. They’re gonna love you.

God, you hope he’s right.

Kit’s told you so much about his kids over the last several months the two of you have been together, and you can tell by the warmth in his voice, by the way his eyes light up when he tells you something funny one of them did, that they are his world. As they should be. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

There's absolutely no doubt in your mind that you've fallen head over heels for this man... That’s what's so frightening; you don’t want to screw anything up. For anyone's sake.

You’re in the middle of reciting some of the things Kit had told you about the kids- ‘Julia’s really into football right now, a little chatterbox, and Thomas loves readin’, but he’s pretty shy’- when you hear tires making their way along the narrow dirt road. Turning your head again, your stomach flips when you see the familiar station wagon- much fuller with people than normal- pull into the small parking lot. You smile, raising your hand in a wave when Kit sees you, and swallow hard.

The driver’s door quickly opens, and Kit makes his way over, basket in hand. The passenger, Jude, stays behind to help the kids out of their seats.

“Hey, you.” Kit murmurs, a smile on his face as he leans down to press a tender kiss to your cheek.

“Hi.” With a shaky breath, you take your bottom lip between your teeth when he pulls back. With a sympathetic smile, Kit takes your hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“They’re gonna love you,” he reminds, and you huff a laugh. Julia begins speaking excitedly as she hops out of the car; you can’t make out what she’s saying, but she sounds enthusiastic, so you’re taking that as a good sign.

“If you say so.” You grip his hand more tightly and he chuckles as the two of you make your way toward the sound of the animated voice.

Now or never.

“Y/N!” You jump at the sound, completely taken off guard- even more so when something barrels into you, wrapping around your waist. You look down to see the small girl- the one that you recognize from the many pictures Kit has shown you -beaming up at you. Kit laughs, scooping her up into his arms as Jude moves to stand in front of the three of you. Thomas hangs onto her hand, hiding behind her dress.

“Y/N, this is Jude, Thomas, and you’ve already met Julia.” He shakes his head, tickling his daughter’s ribs until she’s leaning into him, in a fit of giggles.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you all,” you say, hoping the smile on your face doesn’t come across as uneasy.

“We could say the same to you. This one,”- she gestures to Kit- “is talking about you constantly.” You smile widely at this, eyes moving to Kit to find his cheeks turning rosy.

“Oh, really?”

“Uh-huh!” Julia chimes in, Thomas slowly nodding his agreement.

“Oh, you.” You nudge Kit’s arm gently, and his eyes shift quickly back and forth between the children. Jude lets out a trill of laughter then, taking Julia’s hand in hers.

“Why don’t we find somewhere to sit? I’m sure we’re all getting hungry.” The kids agree enthusiastically, taking off in a sprint toward a nearby gazebo where several tables sit. “Hey, slow it down, you two!” Jude calls, following them.

You turn to Kit, who brings your hand to his lips, placing a kiss there; there’s something about his expression that you can’t quite place, but he seems happy, so you’re happy. “I’m glad you’re here,” he says, letting your hands fall and dangle together as the two of you slowly make your way to the table where the children sit, awaiting their lunch. Julia laughs beckoning the two of you over, and there’s a shy little smile on Thomas’ face. Your nerves are slowly fading, and you let out a breathy sigh, smiling up at him.

“I’m glad I’m here, too.”

The meal is fantastic, and by the time you’re wiping your mouth on your napkin and placing it down on the empty plate in front of you, you can hardly remember why you were so panicky about this meeting in the first place. The food is delicious, Jude accepting your compliments on her potato salad graciously. The two of to you discuss your job, her asking about the intricacies of what you do. Not in a prying way, though; she seems genuinely interested.

It’s not long before the kids take to you, either. Julia already has, it seems, as she insists on sitting across from you while you eat. She tells lots of stories; everything from the science project she and Kit have been working on for school, to the time that Jude took her and Thomas to the zoo.; you find out that hippos are her favorite animal. “Isn’t it so cute when they wiggle their ears??” she asks.

Thomas takes a bit more coaxing, but not much; not when you decide to ask him what his favorite book is. His eyes light up and he brings up several, speaking excitedly about a chapter from the one he's currently in the middle of.

“Daddy, can we play now?” Julia asks, setting her fork down; she bounces around like she’s ready to jump out of her seat, and you can’t help but giggle.

“Sure,” Kit chuckles, placing his empty glass of iced tea on the table. I’m just gonna use the bathroom real quick, but go onnahead.” He stands, patting your shoulder. Shooting what he hopes is a discreet glance Jude's way, he moves toward the small bathroom stalls a few yards away.

Jude laughs, a soft smile on her face, watching as Julia moves to cling to your arm. “Alright, Thomas, it. looks like it’s you and me. What do you wanna do first?” She takes the small boy’s hand, and he leads them in the direction of the sandbox.

Julia glances around, and when she sees that everyone’s out of earshot, she leans into you, bringing a hand to her mouth to ask, “Y/N, can I tell you a secret?”

Her over-exaggerated whisper and enthusiasm make you giggle, and you nod. “Sure.”

She climbs into the seat beside you, leaning in closer to speak into your ear. “My daddy loves you.”

You’re quiet for several seconds, having absolutely no idea how to respond. You look down at her, eventually stuttering out, “O-oh… really? How do you know that?” You're half expecting a nonsensical answer, but when she opens her mouth, the young girl is serious.

“I heard him and Nana talking about it the a couple'a nights ago when I got out of bed for a drink of water.” She grins up at you. “…But I can just tell.”

“H-how can you tell?”

She shrugs. "He smiles when he talks about you." Her answer is so simple, so pure, and it holds so much meaning; you're sure there's a dopey grin growing on your face right now.

“Well, your dad’s pretty great. And I think you’re pretty great, Julia.” Her smile grows impossibly wider as she wraps her arms around your neck, pulling you into a tight hug. You hold her tiny frame and are on cloud nine when you spot Kit closing the door to the restroom behind him; when he sees the two of you still sitting there, he makes his way over.

Kit chuckles to himself, overcome with joy when he walks out of the bathroom to see you holding Julia in an embrace, smiles on both of your faces. He walks slowly toward you, silently praying that his daughter hasn’t said anything she shouldn’t have. So much for Jude’s help… Should'a known better. He glances at his friend, sitting on the edge of the sandbox with his son. Jude looks up, smirking, and he rolls his eyes at her.

Nevertheless, he’s decided. It has to be now.

“What’re you two doin’ over here?” He places a warm hand on your arm as he stands behind you, appraising his daughter. “Jules, I thought you wanted to play? You’ve been sayin’ how excited you were for the jungle gym all week.” Julia’s small legs swing back and forth as she watches her father, with a shrug.

“I wanted to talk to Y/N first.”

“Well, we can keep talking while we play, then,” you decide, standing quickly, but Kit grabs your hand, stilling you.

“Actually, I wanna talk to you about somethin’ real quick.” His voice is low in your ear, and he watches his daughter tensely.

“Oh, o-okay.” Your eyes move to Julia and you smile. “Why don’t you go down the slide a few times, and I’ll be over there in a minute?”

“Okay!” The little girl jumps from her spot, sprinting toward concrete of the playground.

“Be careful!” Kit shouts after her. With a chuckle, he takes his previous seat and pats the one beside him. You smile happily, leaning your head on his shoulder when you move next to him.

“They’re really great, Kit. All of them.”

Kit smiles proudly, watching as Jude helps Thomas make some sort of sculpture in the sand. “They are,” he agrees with a nod. “Jude likes you. The kids really like you.”

“I’m so glad.” You sigh in relief, turning to meet his gaze. “I was so worried they’d all hate me.”

“How could they?” he asks, leaning in to place a sweet peck to your lips. You smile against his mouth, your own tingling as he pulls back. You can’t help but glimpse toward playground to see if the kids have noticed. They’re still preoccupied, but Jude’s noticed; she sends you a wink and your cheeks grow warm. Seeing the exchange, Kit scowls playfully, waving a hand at her. She laughs, turning back to the sandy masterpiece Thomas is working diligently on.

“So,” Kit begins... Deep breath. “There’s somethin’ I’ve been wantin’ to talk to you about.”

“Okay.” Your heartbeat pounds in your ears. “What’s up?” …Could it be?

“It’s something I’ve wanted to say for a while, actually. He’s looking at his hands as he says this, biting down on his bottom lip when his gaze finally meets yours. “I haven’t felt this way about anyone in… a long time. Not since...” He trails off, but you know he’s thinking of the kid’s mothers, so you nod in understanding. “Honestly it’s a little scary, but I think I- I mean, I know I-“ He cuts himself off, and takes a deep breath, shaking his head slowly. “Christ. I dunno why this is so hard, I just…” He sighs deeply.

“…Kit?”

“Yeah?”

“…I love you, too.”

“You… you love m- wait, what?” His eyes grow wide, and he groans after a moment, knowing exactly who the culprit is. “Julia told you?” You can't help but laugh quietly, nodding your confirmation. “I shoulda known. My little blabbermouth.” A wistful smile grows on his face, and the amount of adoration you feel for this man in this moment is staggering.

“So… it’s true, then?” you ask, taking one of his hands in both of yours.

He nods, smiling as he leans in to press his forehead to yours. “I love you, Y/N. I do.” His voice is hardly above a whisper, but it feels like a shout; a declaration. Your returning smile is bright, certainly one of the best Kit’s ever seen- one he’s sure he’ll remember for the rest of his life -and when you wrap your arms around his neck, his own widens further, the muscles in his face beginning to ache, but he couldn't care less.

“I love you, Kit Walker. So much.” You move in for a kiss of your own; it’s short, but full of more meaning than any you’ve ever had.

Pulling back, you pat his knee gently. You stand from your seat, offering a hand out to him. “C’mon. Earlier, I promised Julia I’d watch her on the monkey bars.” Kit laughs, taking your hand and slinging an arm around your waist once he’s standing. You make your way to where the girl is currently whizzing down the largest slide in the park, squealing with laughter. Glancing at the sandbox, you see Jude eyeing you, a knowing smirk on her face; you blush, but smile back.

Right here, right now, moving toward the laughter of Kit’s loving family, there isn’t a sliver of doubt in your mind that this is meant to be.

This is where you belong.

taglist: @therenlover, @tatestripedsweater, @kitwalker02, @ladyfogg, @mossybank, @undeadcortez, @sallyscigarettes, @xmaximoffic, @samsassinparvismagna, @liandav, @kitwalkerangel, @elaineygrace, @milly-louise @americxn (please feel free to fill out this form to be added/removed for future fics)

#julia is a lil matchmaker #also i discovered a tenacious d cover of 'i think i love you' and it's fucking iconic #i love jack black #and kit #kit walker #kit walker fanfiction #kit walker x reader #kit walker x gn!reader #evan peters fanfiction #evan peters x reader #evan peters x gn!reader #ahs #ahs fanfiction #american horror story #american horror story fanfiction

99 notes · View notes

maybedefinitely404 · 4 years

Text

Day 29: Prinxiety/Loceit (pt 4)

Aaaand, part 4, the finale!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 29: You have a telepathic link with your soulmate until the two of you meet.

Content warnings: discussion of conversion therapy/after effects, PTSD, food mentions, anxiety/panic attacks, internalized homophobia, mentions of the foster system/abuse (mental, emotional, neglect, past eating disorder), minor self harm/blood, mentions of dissociating.

Word count: 5.1k

Despite Roman’s claims that being around other people would only distract him, and he didn’t want to have to walk to the library every time he had homework, Patton’s constant pleading eventually broke him down. Now, much to his roommate’s delight, they spent every night in the middle of the study floor in the library, and Roman found that he actually looked forward to it. Sometimes someone he knew would walk by, and give him a valid reason to take a short break, and having other people around somehow motivated him to work harder. He was starting to understand the appeal of the place.

Now, Patton and him were spending their afternoon there between classes, both working on their own projects and sharing a bag of popcorn twists. It was the only oil soaked snack that didn’t leave much residue on their fingers. Roman was deep in thought, struggling to remember an especially flowery Shakespeare monologue for a mock audition next week, when Patton kicked his leg under the table.

“What, Pat?” He took another moment to finish the sentence before he tore his eyes away from the book, surprised at his roommate’s barely contained excitement.

“You’ve been humming for half an hour!”

He hadn’t even noticed. He tended to do it a lot without realizing; humming along to his soulmate’s music. Ever since he’d come back almost a year ago, an occurrence he’d never had explained but held onto with fondness, Roman’s heart jumped every time his music played. It was just like old times, their old system immediately reinstated, and more than once he’d found himself singing along to the melodies in his head. Patton knew this, and could probably tell by the genre whether Roman was listening to his soulmate’s songs, or just had his own earworm.

“No, no, no, I like your humming! That’s not the point!”

“Then what’s the-”

“The guy behind you has his earbuds loud enough to hear!”

Roman strained his ears, and yes, he could barely hear the music coming from behind him. He definitely hadn’t noticed before, too deep in thought to notice something so trivial. But Patton was always on high alert, never able to keep his mind on one thing at a time.

“Okay, but what does that ha-”

“You’ve been humming the same songs as he’s been listening to for half an hour, Ro! I think he’s your soulmate!”

Roman’s eyes widened and he spun around, effectively dropping his book onto the ground. Yeah, if he concentrated, he could tell that the song in his head was the same as the one just audible through the other’s earbuds.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive!”

That’s all the convincing Roman needed. He jumped to his feet and rounded the other table so he was face to face with the stranger and knocked on the table a couple times. When he made eye contact, he thought he saw fear in the other’s face, but that couldn’t be right. Roman was not intimidating. The man at the table reached up to pop out one of his earbuds.

“Hello lovely, I have a question for you,” Roman purred, dropping onto his elbows on the table.

“I- I don’t-”

Apparently that counted as a meeting, because in that moment, the music in Roman’s head faded into nothingness. And he could tell it wasn’t just the music being paused. He was left with a neutral emptiness he hadn’t felt in a long time, a silence that was rare, and an innate knowledge that it had happened: their link was no longer necessary and had dissipated. Roman grinned wide, barely concealing a squeal.

“You’re my soulmate!”

He didn’t know what reaction he was expecting, but he sure as hell hadn’t expected the man at the table to get up and sprint out of the building at full speed.

“Stay here, Ro,” Patton was suddenly at his side, laying a hand on his bicep, “I’ll go after him. I don’t know what just happened but I don’t want it to happen again.”

Patton scooped up the other man’s things from the table and jogged out the library door.

-----

Virgil didn’t know where he was going; he hadn’t planned on running out of the library. Dammit, he hadn’t planned to run into his soulmate. And he knew that was his soulmate, and not just some weird coincidence. Because the moment they’d locked eyes, it was as if something in his mind had snapped, like a rubber band that had always been there but the pressure was so constant he didn’t notice it there until it was gone. Their bond had snapped; it was no longer necessary, because he’d met his soulmate.

He recognized the guy, just barely. They were in the same first year math class, a course often taken by upperclassmen (probably like his soulmate) because they’d put off getting a math credit until their final years. Logan had warned Virgil of that when he was choosing his first year courses, and so he was safely getting it out of the way so he could focus on his major in the coming years.

His breathing was choppy and strained as he tried to calm down his panic attack, dropping onto the ground under a large tree. He couldn’t keep running lest he collapse and draw more attention to himself, and that was far worse than anything he could imagine. Fighting the urge to scratch at his skin, he buried his head in his hoodie clad arms, fumbling with one hand to free his phone from his pocket.

It’s actually a guy, it’s a guy, he’s gay, wrong wrong wrong-

No, not wrong. It’s not wrong.

Yes it is, it’s going to hurt, you’re going to hurt, wrong wrONG WRONG!

His hands were shaking far too hard to text but he tried anyways, begging Janus to come pick him up early. Logan wouldn’t be done work for another couple hours, and usually Virgil would be fine just doing homework until his dad was ready to drive them home, but he didn’t think he’d be able to handle being on campus much longer.

“Hey, kiddo?”

Virgil’s head jerked up just as he clicked send, fighting every urge in his body to bolt again. It wasn’t the guy… his soulmate… but someone else he hadn’t met before, panting.

“Heya, my name’s Patton! You ran out without your stuff, so I brought it!”

Oh, he was holding his backpack, and his folder under one arm. Virgil was just trying to encourage his legs to move, to stand so he could take his things, when the stranger dropped into the grass in front of him. He flinched.

“Here ya go,” He pushed it towards him like a child trying to coax out a scared cat, “I’m so sorry me and Ro scared you. He just gets over excited sometimes. I promise he’s actually very gentle.”

Virgil stared, pulling in a halting breath.

“The guy who ran up to you, that’s Roman. I’m his roommate, by the way. I’m Patton. Did I introduce myself? Doesn’t matter. I’m a third year psychology major. Roman’s in third year too, music and theatre major.”

He should probably introduce himself too, but his hands were frozen, clamped around his phone, and he found his voice wasn’t cooperating. That didn’t deter the other dude, though.

“Here, I wrote out both of our numbers. Roman feels super bad for scaring you, so you can take your time, if you want.” He delicately placed a ripped piece of notebook paper on the backpack between them, “His is the first one. But I put mine in there too, so you can text me if you want to talk. The more friends, the better.”

Virgil’s phone buzzed, alerting him of Janus’ response.

“I’ll let you be, okay? Remember to text!” With an exuberant wave, he dashed back to the library. Virgil read Janus’ panicked message, asking what had happened, in a bit of a daze. His dad agreed to come get him, so he stuffed the paper into his pocket and slung his backpack over his shoulder.

-----

Janus had asked him not to go into his room when he was so worked up, instead giving him free reign of the living room while the older restarted the dinner he’d abandoned in favor of picking his son up. He’d turned on the TV for Virgil, changing the channel to a nature documentary, given Virgil his favorite weighted blanket, and left him with strict orders to call him if he started spiraling or needed a hug.

The distraction had worked for a while, the soothing voice of the narrator almost lulling him to sleep, until his racing brain had come to the conclusion that this was the worst thing to ever happen in the history of ever and that he was going to die alone. He’d been a little hopeful that his soulmate would be a girl, to somewhat appease his trauma, but life was never that easy. A part of him had also been a little miffed about that hope, because as much as he liked to pretend, he had a preference for boys. A big preference. And his soulmate was cute.

“Everything okay, Virgil?” Janus called through the pass through window into the kitchen, taking his eyes off his food preparation to watch his son’s pacing.

“Yup!” He lied, picking and scratching at the skin of his hands out of his dad’s view. The pain settled him a little, giving him something he could control, but he knew he’d get a figurative slap on the wrist for it later. A concerned slap, not an angry one. Maybe more of ‘a cuddle on the couch and wrap the little patches of broken skin and an update with his counsellor’. So not really a slap. At all. As it usually went.

Everything was wrong. What kind of shit first impression had he given his soulmate? Getting up and running away like an actual child? And that was only part of it. He was damaged goods, a broken person, who needed more help and reassurance than any other person. How could he explain to his soulmate that he was the cause of his problems without making him feel guilty? That wasn’t the life the man had signed up for, wasn’t the soulmate burden he’d wanted. He would want someone easy, someone who wouldn’t have panic attacks when they got shocked by a door knob, who didn’t stop eating when they were scared, who pressed pause on life when he woke up in a dissociating headspace. He couldn’t say that to him. He’d lost everything, that vague musical connection to an invisible soulmate, that had given him a subtle hope. It had been a quiet illusion, a promise that he’d be fine if it were never fulfilled. Knowing there was someone out there, providing him music, had been enough. But now…

“Virgil, hold these for me.”

When had Logan gotten home? He put his hands out obediently, clenching the fingers over the ice cubes placed in each palm. The sensation startled him and sent a shiver up his spine.

“Four, seven, eight. Ready?”

He followed the breathing pattern eagerly, feeling the curls of anxiety in his stomach slowly settle into butterflies. When he was breathing normally, an overwhelming sense of dizziness almost knocked him over. Logan took his arm and led him to the couch.

The next moment, Janus was kneeling in front of him, rubbing disinfectant into his few bloody scratches, the melting water dripping through his fingers and onto the carpet.

“I should have noticed,” he murmured as he stuck a couple bandaids onto each hand, refusing to meet Virgil’s eyes.

“Don’t blame yourself, Janus. I don’t think it was happening for too long,” Logan assured, running a hand down Virgil’s spine. “Did this have to do with the reason you left school early today?”

Virgil nodded.

“Are you nonverbal?”

“No,” he choked, clearing his throat, “Just dry throat.”

“I got it,” Janus leapt to his feet and hurried to the kitchen.

With a heavy sigh, Virgil leaned into Logan’s side, the hand on his back traveling to wrap around his shoulder comfortingly. The last drops of the ice cube hit the carpet, and he dried his hands off on his jeans. “I met my soulmate today.”

“I see,” Logan said. For the umpteenth time, Virgil was beyond grateful that Logan was an expert at masking reactions. It made difficult conversations easier.

“It’s a guy.”

“How did that go?”

“I ran out of the library and had a panic attack. His roommate brought me my stuff and gave me their numbers. I made an idiot out of myself.”

Logan was quiet, giving Virgil a little squeeze. A water glass was pressed into his hands and Virgil downed the whole thing, passing it back to Janus, who placed it on the coffee table.

“I think… I think I’m magnifying. Maybe.” He described his thoughts that led to his spiral as quickly as possible, feeling slightly pleased when Logan agreed with his hypothesis.

“You are definitely magnifying. Good job for recognizing that, Virgil. You don’t even know him, much less what he thought of your interaction.”

“What’s our next step?” Janus spoke up, resting a hand on Virgil’s knee and rubbing it with his thumb.

He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Can you sleep on it, and message him tomorrow?”

Virgil thought about for a second before shaking his head even harder, “No. I have class with him tomorrow, and we’re getting a study guide for a test. I can not miss it. But what if he comes up to me, or wants to talk, and I embarrass myself again, and-”

His dads both hushed him at the same time and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes against Logan’s side. “What do I do?”

“You could message him tonight,” Janus drawled.

“Are you crazy?” He shrieked, “No! What would I even say? ‘Hey, you freaked me out today, sorry for running like a lunatic’?!”

“Why not explain the cause for your hasty escape?” Logan piped in.

“That’s way too much to load onto him as a first conversation.”

“Not all the gory details, just a vague explanation. That’s how I started talking to Logan,” Janus stated, adjusting his position on the floor. “If he’s your soulmate, Virge, he’ll be okay to deal with this. It’ll come out eventually, and if something else happens, it will be nice for him to have some context.”

Virgil groaned. “I hate when you make sense.”

“We can help you construct an adequate message.” Logan squeezed him again, meeting Janus’ eyes with a small smile.

“Fine.” Virgil snarled, pulling out his phone and the two numbers, typing the first one into his ‘new contact’ list. “Okay, what do I say?”

-----

V: Hey, I’m Virgil. We met earlier today. In a manner of speaking.

R: OMG, hi! I’m Roman. I am SO sorry for startling you!

V: It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.

R: I still feel bad DX

“He feels bad, what do I do?!”

“I would suggest explaining the reason you ran off to ease his concerns.”

“Me too. But ask first, and don’t give more details than you’re comfortable with.”

V: Can I be brutally honest for just a second?

R: Should I be nervous? Haha go ahead!

V: I was forced into conversion therapy about a year back, and I still carry a lot of the trauma with me. That’s why I ran. It was just gut instinct.

“He’s not responding, oh god, he’s going to block me, why isn’t he responding?!”

“I assume this news would take a moment to process. Focus on your breathing, Virgil. Don’t magnify.”

“You also sent it, like, ten seconds ago.”

R: Holy shit, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

“...That’s not what I expected.”

“This is a regular reaction from a human being with even a lick of common sense, Virgil.”

“Seconded.”

V: It’s okay, I have a really great support system now.

R: That’s good. I’ve never experienced anything like that, so I can only imagine how hard that was.

R: I don’t expect you to answer if you don’t want to or don’t know, so please don’t feel pressured, but do you know what kind of soulbond we have? Is it platonic?

“Shit, fuck, who do I answer that?”

“With the truth, I’d imagine. Do you have an answer to his question?”

“Remember what I told you, kid. Your own pace.”

“Logan, if I explain it, can you put it into words? Please?”

V: I’m not averse to a possible romantic relationship in the future, but at the moment I am still learning to become comfortable with myself, as I have negative connections to that part of my identity that can become problematic if not properly worked through at my own pace.

R: Give me a couple seconds to decode that

V: My dad wrote it, he’s a prof. I have both of them helping me not freak out right now.

R: You might want to date one day, but you need to take it slow because of your trauma.

V: Uhm… yeah. I could have said it like that.

R: Is talking to me upsetting you? We can always talk another time.

V: No, I’m okay.

R: Okay, then as far as I’m concerned, we move at your pace. That’s not an issue for me at all.

“I… oh. He’s… wow.”

“I agree with your sentiment.”

“I like this boy already.”

“DAD!”

R: Your dad’s a prof?

V: One of them is. He teaches at our school, Prof Sanders. 4th year chemistry?

R: Oh shit. I’m in his class.

V: Lol he thinks he knows you

R: You have two dads?

V: Yep

R: That’s so cool. I’d really love to meet them.

V: Wow, we met today and you’re already wanting to meet my parents?

R: Heeey, I want to meet them as a FRIEND.

V: My dad says after the semester’s over, you’re free to come by

One at a time, Virgil’s dads left him on the couch with an ear to ear grin, Janus to reheat dinner and Logan following him just so he could cling to his husband's waist as he moved around the kitchen. Neither of them wanted to disturb the little bubble their son was in.

-----

In the weeks following, they’d started to sit together in the one class they shared. Virgil had begun to join him and Patton on their nightly library study sessions, and after some more gentle convincing, had given in to sitting with their whole friend group during meals at the cafeteria. He was growing more comfortable with Roman, no doubt about that.

Didn’t mean he wasn’t fighting off an anxiety attack as he waited by the door to get picked up for their first outing alone.

He kept checking his phone and glancing out the peephole as Janus ran calming fingers through his hair. Virgil leaned into the touch instinctively, consciously slowing his breathing as Janus hummed. Logan was watching him from the entrance to the hall, leaning on the kitchen door frame. There wasn’t much he could do, but dammit if he wasn’t going to watch his son go off on the most anxiety inducing situation of all of their lives.

“You’ll be okay, kid,” Janus muttered, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “You’ve been friends with him for a while now, and he said there were no expectations. You’re in total control here.”

“What if I have a flashback, or a panic attack, or go nonverbal or something? He’s going to freak the fuck out and then all the work will be for noth-”

Logan spoke up. “You’re worried about things that may not even happen. And besides, haven’t you spoken to Roman about these things already?”

“A bit. Not in detail,” he whispered.

“I would suggest you do so, today if possible. It will make any possible situations that arise easier and less jarring to deal with.”

Virgil looked up at Janus, a pleading look in his eyes.

“He’s right, kid. The sooner you get it out of the way, the better.”

There was a knock at the door and Virgil nearly jumped out of his skin. To his disdain, Janus backed away until he was next to Logan, gesturing at the door with a small smile. Virgil growled out a curse and opened the door, the scowl on his face melting into a sickeningly authentic smile.

“How’s my favorite emo? Hi Mr. Sanders, hey Prof.”

“Hello.”

“Salutations.”

“Your favorite emo?” Virgil snarked, pulling on his jacket. It wasn’t cold, not in the slightest, but he’d rather have the extra layer.

“You’re the only emo I know, so the choice is easy.”

“By process of elimination, doesn’t that also imply I’m your least favorite emo too?”

“Don’t start this again, Mr. Son-of-a-professor.”

“I’ll start it if I want to!”

The door closed behind them with one final wave to his parents, and the house was quiet. Janus leaned into Logan’s waiting arms, resting his head on the other’s collar bone.

“He’s all grown up.”

“That he is, my love.”

-----

Virgil smirked as Roman set out a large cliche picnic blanket, gesturing for him to sit. He did, crossing his legs and leaning on his knees as the other began to unload the basket.

“Okay, so for sandwiches, I have turkey, peanut butter and jelly, and ham. Patton made me bring apple slices because he’s a dad, but I’m sure we can convince the ducks to eat them.”

To prove his point, a group of ducks paddled out from under a weeping willow half submerged in the creek.

“I like apples,” Virgil defended, grabbing a slice from the open container and shoving the whole thing in his mouth. “How many people were you intending to feed with that much food?”

Roman pouted from behind a container of potato salad. “I had to show off my food skills, duh.”

“You made that?” Virgil asked with raised eyebrows as Roman set out a tin of mini quiches and a smaller one stacked with brownies and cookies.

“The cookies were Patton’s, but he insisted I take some. And I would have bought more, but…” He tipped the basket towards Virgil, revealing the bottom absolutely filled with different canned drinks and water bottles. “I didn’t know what you wanted to drink.”

Virgil actually did laugh as he stretched forward to snag a Doctor Pepper, taking another apple slice as he sat back.

“Do you have a sandwich preference?” Roman asked, choosing a Sprite for himself.

“Turkey looks good.” Virgil said before his choice paralysis could come into play, breathing a sigh of relief as Roman handed one of the sandwiches to him. The less stress he added to his own life, the better.

Roman had been right to bring an assortment of food, because dammit, he was a really good chef. Virgil was nervous to try a quiche, since he’d never had them before and the texture was odd to him, but Roman assured that if he didn’t like it, he’d eat it instead. Apparently he wasn’t eeked out by germs. After a nibble though, Virgil ate almost half the tin. Who knew cold eggs could be good? Roman took the ham sandwich, and they split the PB&J. The ducks were more than pleased to be given Roman’s half of the apple slices but Virgil refused to share, since fresh fruits were still a treat after a life of preserves. The younger wasn’t a huge fan of the potato salad, so Roman eagerly finished it, seemingly more excited to move onto the desserts but not wanting to leave any leftovers.

They were just finishing up the frankly absurd amount of cookies and brownies when Roman broke their casual bickering, chasing a chocolate chip bite with a long swig of Sprite and tossing another apple to their swarm of awaiting ducks.

“So, tell me a bit about yourself, Virge.”

“What do you want to know?” Virgil replied, leaning back on his hands.

“Anything, really. Childhood, siblings, favorite color, darkest fear.”

“Quite a spectrum, there.” There was a lot he could talk about, but he felt it might be better to get the bigger things out of the way. Janus was sort of the leading expert on this kind of thing, so his advice had probably been sound. He brushed his hands together to get the crumbs off them as he spoke, “Okay, so I grew up in the foster system.”

Roman tried to hide his wince. “Ouch. I’ve heard a lot of bad things.”

“It’s fucked,” Virgil drawled, stretching his arms above his head with a yawn, “I spent most of my time in a group home, though, because I was called ‘difficult’. No one wanted to deal with my ass.”

“Why?”

“Mmm, ran away, didn’t listen, talked back, antagonized any biological kids.”

“So like, a normal teenager?” The last apple slice was sacrificed to the feathered hoard.

Virgil snorted, “Yeah, but I came with a receipt. And I kind of liked the group home more.”

“How many kids were in the home?”

“Never more than fifteen. It was a big home. But they circulated, and I was like a housecat. Never gone for more than a month.”

“Jeez,” Roman sighed, taking a sip of his soda.

“My foster homes weren’t better.”

“Oh?” It was a subtle encouragement to keep talking, but now it was getting into territory that Virgil liked to avoid.

“One of my foster houses was really neglectful, forgot to give us food, didn’t let us do laundry, that kind of stuff. Gave me a wicked ED. I was twelve.”

Roman grimaced.

“My next one was more emotionally and mentally manipulative. I was kind of made into a babysitter for their younger bio kids. I had to get them ready for school, make them dinner, just basically be a parent. After I ran away from them, they started having trouble placing me. I was older, had a shitty record, kind of a left over. I mean, I deserved it. I was a dick.”

“You were a kid, Virgil.”

“A kid who chose to make his own life harder.” He shrugged, “That’s why I was placed into… that home. They were a last resort place for other ‘trouble kids’.”

Virgil took a deep breath and, with Janus’ words in his mind, began to explain his attempted conversion; the slip of tongue that led to the placement, the verbal abuse, food deprivation, electroshock therapy, the snuck antipsychotics, forced isolation, ending with the day the wife had called the police behind her husband’s back out of guilt and he was rescued.

Roman was quiet for a long minute after he finished talking, staring entranced at the can in his hands. The ducks had dispersed during Virgil’s story, upset at the lack of food.

“I…”

Virgil waited for him to get up and leave, to say with false apologies that he didn’t think they would work out, that the connection was wrong. Because who would want to deal with him, his stupid trauma? But the man next to him didn’t move except to breathe, and Virgil took that as an invitation to continue, his tone quieter.

“I was super out of it for a while. Honestly, I don’t remember the rescue, or like a solid month after that, except for snippets here and there. The drugs were fucky. And then my social worker, god bless her heart, found Janus and Logan. Janus was in CT too for a while when he was younger, so they took me in. Took a long time, but I opened up to them, but by then I was eighteen. They still insisted on adopting me, though, and there’s absolutely no convincing Logan once he’s made his mind up, so… they did.” He waved his hands around a little.

“Three months,” Roman blurted out of nowhere, making Virgil flinch.

“What?”

“Were you in ther-... CT for three months?”

“Two and a bit, why?” The moment it was out of his mouth, he realized the implications, and his heart froze.

“You were gone for three months. I thought you died, or… I don’t even know.” Roman looked like he was about to cry, watching Virgil imploringly. Him going MIA must have affected his soulmate more than he’d thought.

“Two months of CT, and then another one before I got a new phone. I’m…” All the guilt he’d felt at the time came rushing back, the reminder of his soulmate’s music dwindling to almost nothing and him being helpless, “I’m sorry. Shit, I’m so sorry. That must have been…”

“No, Virgil, you don’t get to apologize. That was not your fault.” He reached out a hand as if to grab Virgil’s and immediately pulled back, wringing his fingers instead. “Sorry, my choice of comforting is physical. But I won’t.”

“Thank you,” Virgil choked out, running his hands through his hair.

“Can you look at me?”

He did, taking a shuddering breath. He was moments away from a panic attack and he was not looking forward to that disaster.

“You were being- quite literally- tortured for months. You were abused in ways that shouldn’t be legal, and you came out the other side stronger. Frankly, I’m amazed at your perseverance. You’re amazing.”

Simultaneously, Virgil felt a hot blush rise to his ears, and a sharp jolt run through his arms into his chest. He jerked violently, tipping over his own soda onto the grass.

“Shit, did I say something wrong?” Roman gasped, reaching over to pluck up the can before it could spill more. It was already half empty, thank goodness.

“No, I just… do that. Sometimes. From… CT. Kind of like ghost shocks, I guess.” Why couldn’t the ground just open up and swallow him whole, he wondered. He hadn’t done that jerk thing in front of anyone in so long. The last time had been in front of his now-parents, and they’d quickly grown used to it. He’d grown used to their own contact very soon and his twitches had stopped after he was accustomed to it, but it had never been directed towards him, and he had a feeling he’d need time to stop his impulse reactions.

“And me calling you amazing…”

“Triggered them. It’s an exposure thing though, so I’ll just need to get used to it. Don’t blame yourself.” He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes until bright white flashes of light burst into his vision. Suddenly, he was exhausted.

“Do you want me to drive you home?” Roman asked, already packing up their picnic basket. Virgil nodded, his social meter drained, and all ability to be a civil person was quickly deteriorating. His therapist said that would also begin to heal after a while.

Roman was an absolute angel though, letting the silence linger so Virgil could cradle his slowly growing headache, even opening the door of his car like a perfect gentleman. As they pulled out of the parking lot, Virgil rested his head against the seat and let a tiny smile tug at his lips. It would be a long process to retrain his brain (in theory, he was okay with being in a relationship with a man, but actually doing it? Infinitely harder), but for once, he was actually looking forward to the process.

Would you guys like a collection of one shots surrounding Virgil’s gradual warming up to his new family, a decent mix of angst and fluff? I have some ideas.

Thanks for reading! Now, a taglist.

@sapphic-satan

@anxious-logic

@wigsnatchedhoteltrivago

@extraintrovertedalien

@punk-academian-witch

@ray-does-stuff

@chimneychimney

@i-cant-find-a-good-username

@falsemood

@wtf-casper

@cpmansion

@killjoyjay

@fandomfan315

@anxious-darkwolf

@eternalmoonlight19

@winterwynd

@espepspes

@ironwoman359

@willowaudreykeyes

@mycatshuman

@weweregoddesses

@im-an-anxious-wreck

@imknittingahat

@surohsopsisofclouds

@korsaromantic66

@astraheart04

@quartz-z

@mikalya12

@koalas-in-coffee

@isabelle-stars

@a-ghostlight-for-roman

@existentialeggdogg

@pumpkinminette

@coffeeflavoredtears525600

@wyvern-tales

@heyhalloween

@grayson-22

@bullet-tothefeels

@mostlikelytokillyouwithaspoon

@lovelivingmydreams

@sarcasmremovedsoul

@crofterskinnie

@blissbiscuit

@baka-monarch

@lostspacecat

@green-call

#lywrites #tsshipmonth2020 #prinxiety #roman sanders #virgil sanders #loceit #logan sanders #janus sanders #patton sanders #sanderssides #sanderssidesau #sanderssidesfanfiction #sanders sides #sanders sides au #sanders sides fanfiction #ts soulmate au

270 notes · View notes

ithinkilikeit-reactions · 4 years

Text

Accidents and artwork (Jongho/Smut)

Ateez Masterlist Group Masterlist

A/N: So basically, I wrote this from an artists perspective. I wrote it with my experiences and processes I have seen so bare with me.

Also the smut in this story is definitely not the main focus at all, it’s a whole story

Tags: Fem reader x Jongho, Highschool au!, Wrestler x art student, Teenagers being awkward, cute letter confessions, scatterbrained artist, stress relieving, pretty soft sex, pretty vanilla, just wholesome teen romance? virgin reader x Jongho, fingering, praise

Word count: 9520 words (longest thing I’ve ever written)

Week 1

How Jongho ended up in the art room surrounded by paint covered canvases and confused students, he didn’t really know. He didn’t understand how such a big mistake could be made, wrestling and art class were very different things. However here he was at art class and not wrestling like he should have been.

“Take a seat, Mr. Choi. You’re late.” The teacher said, snapping him out of his thoughts as he scanned the room. “Ah, I’m sorry. There was a mix up and I was in the office. I will only be here temporarily until a spot on the wrestling team opens up.” Jongho explained, the other students in the room scanning him up and down.

Everyone had heard about the athlete prodigy that was transferring to your school, how a mix-up like this could happen was really baffling. But it happened and you were now sitting in the corner, watching him look at the empty seat next to you.

“Temporary or not, you’re going to need a seat.” Your teacher said sharply. Mrs. Kim always was sharp of the tongue. You watched him bow politely and make his way to the stool next to yours.

Jongho had only been at school a few days but had already gained immense popularity, being the new kid and the star athlete really helped. This popularity was intimidating to you, not ever really being one for wanting the spotlight per say. It took a certain type of person to enjoy the popularity, not that that was bad, no it was just different. You had respect for all types of people around your highschool, everyone was just trying to make their four years work... some more successfully than others.

“Now as I was explaining, this duo project will be worth 75% of your semester grade. There is no theme, I just want to see harmony between two artists in the piece.” Mrs. Kim explained. That was something you admired about her teaching method. There was never a box to be put in, she allowed artists to be artists and it was refreshing.

One by one you and Jongho watched your classmates find partners, silently. “Ma’am, I won’t be in this class long. I wouldn’t want to not be able to finish a project and leave a student hanging.” Jongho explained, voice incredibly sincere. He would hate to think that someone would fail because of him. “That will just have to be something you figure out with your partner. Is Y/N your partner?” Your name coming out of her mouth caught you off guard and you looked up.

Jongho looked at you and looked at him, before looking back to your teacher and back to eachother again. An awkward silence was definitely lingering in the air as he tried to find the words once he noticed you didn’t have a partner. “Only if she wants to be... I would hate to be a burden.” His voice was soft as he looked at you, anxiously awaiting your response.

“It seem Ms. Y/N doesn’t have a partner so she doesn’t quite have a choice. You two will work together, it’s settled.” There goes that sharp tongue again, you cursed mentally.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to work with Jongho, not at all. He seemed like a sweet guy but you already felt like you were at a disadvantage before hand. Your art seemed to be lacking as of late and you were questioning what direction you were going in, it was an internal struggle that left a negative mark on your art. Now you had the possibility of having to help someone alot and not to be rude, it was a disadvantage.

“Everyone start planning your projects, quietly though. No need to give me a headache before noon.” Jongho pulled his stool closer to you and smiled slightly. He knew you probably didn’t want him as a partner and he could understand why, Jongho knew he had 0 drawing/painting experience.

“I’m sorry.” Jongho said, making you look up at him. There was an apologetic look on his face and you could tell he felt bad. But he had no reason too, this wasn’t his fault. You could work through it, like you mentioned before: everyone was just trying to make their four years work.

“It’s really okay. Let’s just work together and make something cool. We’ll manage.” You comforted him in the best way you could, because you were nervous yourself. If he was already apologizing before even really doing anything, how was this project going to turn out?

“Uhm, do you have any art experience or anything similar?” You asked, hoping that he might have a grain of visual artistic talent. “I’m sorry, no. I know that isn’t what you want to hear.” He looked down, cursing the fact that he never felt the urge to draw when he was a kid. “It’ll be okay, I’ll figure something out.” You replied, more reassuring yourself than him. “Thanks.” He said softly, feeling comforted by your words. “I was reassuring myself.” You justified with a laugh and he chuckled with you. “Fair enough.”

Jongho walked through the cafeteria with his bag, finding his friends pretty easily. They were a rowdy bunch after all.

“There he is. How was art class?” San asked and clapped the younger boy on the back as he sat down. “I still can’t believe that they messed up your schedule like that.” Seonghwa said and Jongho shrugged. “It could be worse. At least I have a cute partner.” Jongho said without thinking about it.

Yeah, he thought you were cute. He also thought there was a worse way to have to spend art class.

“Cute partner? I don’t think I know anyone in the art class.” Wooyoung commented, popping a grape into his mouth. “Her name’s Y/N and she’s kind of stuck with me as a partner for something that takes up a huge chunk of her grade. I feel bad.” Jongho said and perked up once he noticed you had entered the cafeteria. You had a quiet nature, avoiding bumping into people as you walked to an empty seat. You looked clumsy and cute, it made Jongho smile. “I’m assuming that’s her.” Hongjoong said, taking note of the way Jongho had gone quiet.

You had been racking your brain ever since class had ended. No offense to Jongho but you were stuck with him and it was making you anxious. You wanted to deliver something you could be proud of and you really had to think hard about it.

Jongho was a physical person, he liked physical activity and you could work with that. Slowly an idea started forming.

“Jongho!” You called as you saw him in the hall by his locker. You walked over to him, seeing his group of friends all close to him. “Hey, what’s up?” Jongho asked, swallowing before speaking. “I had an idea for the project, something that I think would work for the both of us.” You explained, eyes locking with his for a moment only for you to look away again. “Well, you’re the boss. When do you need me?” Jongho asked, his words flustering you slightly.

“Uhm we can get started this weekend if you’re free, at my place? I have a canvas that’s ready to go and paint.” You said with a soft smile, hoping the blush on your cheeks would die down a bit. Jongho was undeniably attractive and you weren’t used the attention.

“That works, I can come by on Saturday if you text me your adress.” Jongho said, trying really hard to ignore Wooyoung and San’s whispering next to him. You heard the whispers too, feeling uncomfortable as you felt they were about you and you looked to the floor. Jongho subtly jammed his elbow into Wooyoung’s stomach while pretending to adjust his shirt and they shut up.

“Perfect...” You started to walk away, awkwardness taking over before realising you forgot to say something. “Wait, I forgot to mention. Bring some clothes you don’t mind getting paint on, it could get messy.” You said, catching Jongho off guard before walking away again. How could you be so awkward out of nowhere?

You had managed to set the whole thing up... or at least step 1 of your project. It was easy, it was fun and it was creative. This project was going to help you let go a little and through out your week you were starting to see the positive side to this whole thing. You followed rules when it came to art and art didn’t have rules, you wanted to have fun with this.

“Did you find it okay?” You asked, leading him into your house. Jongho couldn’t help but be taken back by your appearance at first. Your shorts and huge what used to be white t-shirt, now covered in a rainbow of paint splatters. Your hair was messy not having bothered doing anything to it because it would get messed up anyways, but Jongho thought it was cute.

“I know I look like a crazy person but this is what I wear to paint so disregard that.” You added on, your sock covered feet padding over the wooden floor of your house. “It’s fine, it somehow suits you. You look comfortable.” Jongho commented, following you through the house.

“Uhm, what are we doing for the project. You never really told me.” Jongho said stopping in your living room and you turned around and looked at him. “Oh my God, you’re right.” You said covering your mouth and starting to laugh at your own stupidity. Jongho must’ve thought you were in an idiot.

“You must think I’m crazy. I get really scatterbrained when I start a project, I’m so sorry.” You explained and Jongho just watched you, grinning softly. He could tell your mind was going a mind a minute and he couldn’t help but wonder if this was what it was like to be an artist. Sticking his hands in the pockets of his old jeans and just took you in. He didn’t think he was going to enjoy this experience that much at first, but that was slowly changing.

“So basically, I thought you don’t have painting or drawing experience so what can we do. Then I had another thought, you like being physically active and you’re probably good at throwing things too.” Jongho was starting to get concerned at your words, the concern being very visible on his face. “Throwing things?” He thought to himself.

“Don’t worry, it’s a good idea. I think... I was just thinking we should have a good time either launching waterballoons filled with paint at a canvas or we could tape the paint filled balloons to a canvas and throw darts at them. That’s up to you though.” Jongho’s concern quickly went away as he heard the rest of your idea. It sounded so fun and it was definitely something he could do. “I do believe you are a genius ma’am.” Jongho said and bowed jokingly.

“Really?” You asked, your voice sounding so hopefull. You let out a breath of relief as your concerns were wiped away. Something about Jongho was so incredibly refreshing and different from what you had expected. It was nice.

“I think launching the balloons at the canvas is the safest bet. Darts seem, dangerous.” He said as you walked into your yard together. You hummed in agreement, knowing he was probably right and knowing your aim. The last thing you wanted was Jongho going to the emergency room because you can’t throw.

“That seems fair, don’t want to accidentally hurt you.” You said and gestured towards the canvas. You had filled the balloons beforehand and placed them in a bucket. Your mother was going to be upset at the fact that her grass would be splattered with paint, but you knew this would be forgotten if you told her it was for school.

“How did you come up with this?” Jongho asked as he picked up the bucket from next to the canvas and brought it a safe distance away. “ I don’t really know. I guess I was kind of forced to think outside of the box a little. I kinda have to thank you for that.” You confessed and gestured for him to have the first throw. “What do you mean?” He asked and launched a waterballoon at the canvas. It splattered bright orange against the crisp white and you couldn’t help but smile widely.

Jongho felt really good watching the color splatter over the canvas. It felt so good to do something like this.

“I mean, my art was starting to feel stiff. Repetitive. This was something I needed.” You explained and threw your own balloon, missing drastically and launching the blue paint over the grass. You covered your mouth in embarrassment and to hold back your laughter. Jongho tried to hold back a laugh but failed miserably and handed you another balloon. “The canvas is over there.” He joked and you hung your shoulders in feigned shame. “I’m not good at sports.” You confessed, throwing another balloon and barely clipping the canvas. Though hard enough to cause red splatter near the orange.

How your mannerism’s could be so endearing, he had no clue. You weren’t the type of girl Jongho normally gravitated too, but then again he was never really thrown into a situation like this before. He found himself enjoying this whole situation, immensly.

“So you’re friends with San and Wooyoung right?” You asked as the canvas gradually filled with more and more colors and splatters. Turning to Jongho, you noticed how the light was capturing him and his beautiful skin tone and for a moment you swore your heart started pounding faster. Tearing your eyes away, you fiddled with the hem of your paint stained shirt.

“Yeah, I am. Why?” He asked, noting the fact you were avoiding eye contact. “No reason really, they really are mood makers in class.” You complimented. Friendship was something you missed, you always found yourself too scatterbrained and busy to maintain them. Sure you had people you were friendly with at school, but not really someone you could call your friend.

“Yeah that’s true. Wooyoung can be so loud sometimes though.” Jongho chuckled to himself as he threw a balloon really hard against the canvas, nearly knocking it over. “Who do you hangout with?” Jongho asked and ran to the canvas, adjusting it back to it’s original position. You were hesitant to answer his question, you didn’t want him to pity you.

“No one really.” You admitted, your voice sounding oddly cheery. He looked at you confused at how you could sound so okay with that. “Really?” “Really.” You responded and sat down in the grass, your arms feeling tired from throwing and wanting a break. Jongho joined you, deciding he deserved a break as well.

“I’m bad at maintaining friends.” You said with a small laugh at your own self pity. “Ahh.” was the only sound to be heard from him. You both sat quietly for a moment and you leaned back to look at your project. “It looks really good. I think phase 1 is complete.” You nodded in approval and Jongho smiled widely, his nose crinkling in the cutest way.

“This was a lot more fun than I thought it would be.” Jongho admitted, not remember the last time he felt joy in a project that wasn’t sport related. “We should let this dry... do you want to watch a movie or something?” Your proposal caught Jongho off guard and yourself. You weren’t expecting those words to come out so smoothly, or to come out at all. It was all incredibly impulsive.

“I actually want to ask you something.” Jongho started and you looked at him with mildly scared eyes. “I was actually wondering if you would show me some of your art and maybe teach my how to do some stuff. I liked this alot more than I thought I would. It would be cool to know how to draw or be even a little helpfull to you in this project.” You were completely surprised, not sure how to respond. This was cool, this was amazing. It put such a big smile on your face you couldn’t help but cover it with your hand.

“I would absolutely love to teach you! Come on let’s go to my room. I have my art stuff up there.” He was surprised by your enthousiasm but it also warmed his heart. You were just so bubbly when it came to art, it was your happy space.

“I’m going to take a guess that this one is your room.” Jongho said and stood infront of your door. It was painted on a sweet little mural and made his smile grow even larger. “Lucky guess.” You said and looked away. You got bashfull for a moment, no one had really been up to your before, let alone a guy.

“This is so cool. It looks so amazing.” He ran his fingers over the painting. It was amazing to him that he could feel the brush strokes. “Thank you.” Your voice was small suddenly and Jongho looked back at you. “Like really amazing.” He never considering that art had texture, that was really cool.

Letting him in your room, you gestured for him to sit at your desk and grabbed a sketchbook and some pencils. “What do you want to learn?” You sat down next to him after placing the sketchbook in front of him. “I don’t know. What do you want to teach me?” Jongho asked leaning towards you with a cheeky smile. His actions flustered you and you looked away for a moment, making him giggle.

“You’re cute.” He stated, flipping your sketchbook open and slowly turning through the pages. How he could just say something like that? “Maybe teach me how to draw you.” He added on as he looked at the paper, trying to hide his giggly response to your reaction.

“How about I just teach you with what I started with? How faces work, if that’s okay.” You evaded and brushed your hair out of your face. You taught Jongho the lines on faces basic lines to follow and just let him draw to get an idea of what he could do. This was just for fun afterall, you didn’t do it completely seriously and neither did he. Jongho just wanted to spend more time with you and thought this was fun.

A silence crept over you both as he drew and you watched. You admired the pencil strokes and soft sound of the pencil on the paper, you also admired his hands. He had such nice, beautiful, tan skin and very nice hands. You couldn’t help but wonder how such nice hands would feel holding yours.

“Jongho...” You started, still just looking at his drawing and hands. He turned his head to you but you avoided eye contact, just looking at the paper. “Hmm?” “Can we be friends?” Your question caught him very off guard, it just wasn’t what he was expecting. “I mean, I kind of thought we already were.”

Week 2

Jongho had been thinking nonstop of his Saturday with you and he couldn’t help but think about how fun it would be to work on “Phase 2″ of the painting. This joy dragged on through the week, before he even really shared a class with you. He found himself doodling in his notebooks and even though they weren’t necessarily good in his opinion, it made him happy.

“So how was painting? I forgot to ask earlier.” Hongjoong asked as he greeted Jongho one morning. It was still early before class and students were slowly pouring in as the group of boys stood in front of the school. Jongho instantly smiled at the question, lovely thoughts filling his mind at the mere mention.

“It was a lot of fun. I kinda know how to draw now. Watch out I might become the next greatest artist.” Jongho joked and tucked his hands into his pocket. “Ah so you had because of art, not a certain partner?” San questioned, eyebrow cocking in Jongho’s direction. However someone caught Jongho’s eye, you.

“Y/N!” He called softly, waving at you. You were caught by surprised but waved back, adjusting your bag over your shoulder. That was when Jongho gestured for you to come over and your heart dropped a little. You had never really talked to his group of friends, ever. You were convinced they didn’t know you existed.

However you did it, you walked over there. Over the weekend you had made some decisions, some life decisions. One of them was inform your parents over the paint throwing in the yard BEFORE you did it and the other was go outside of your comfort zone more. Not only with your art, but also with your life. Making more friends was a little step in the right direction.

“Goodmorning.” You greeted in a singsong voice, making Jongho’s ears turn pink slightly. “Goodmorning.” He greeted back and saw how your arms folded over your chest, noticing some dried green paint by your elbow. “I’m Wooyoung. Do we have classes together?” Wooyoung asked and his question stung a little, you had a lot of classes with him and he just never noticed you.

“I know, we have quite a few classes together actually.” You laughed, brushing it off because you knew he meant no harm. This made Jongho frown, how could Wooyoung not know that?

“Have you been painting?” Jongho asked, changing the subject. “Oh, yeah I have been. Why?” You asked, being confused at his sudden question. “You have some green paint on your arm.” He smiled and reached out rubbing the paint mark gently with his fingers. His touch made your cheeks burn bright red, especially as you had an audience. You simply looked down at the ground as he took care of it. “There, I think I got it all.” He stepped back, eyes trained on your burning red face. You had never felt so relieved to hear a school bell.

He didn’t mean to fluster you like that, though he had to admit he thought it was ridiculously cute and you had never been flustered by a guy like that before. You liked it, you liked Jongho and it happened really fast.

Mrs. Kim noticed the chemistry that week, the chemistry between you and Jongho as you sketched out ideas and guided him when he drew. This was what she had hoped for, this was what she wanted. It was nice to see you smiling in class and it was nice to see someone who was thrown into an unlikely situation, run with it and make the best out of it.

“Okay but why are the eyes all the way up there?” You asked with a small laugh, your face by Jongho’s shoulder. “Look not everyone’s anatomy is the same.” He clarified, trying to hold back his laugh. You shook your head and grabbed your own pencil, doodling a little cartoon nose under horribly realistic eyes and making the whole drawing even funnier. “I guess you’re right about anatomy.” You sighed and rested your head on his shoulder for a split second. You didn’t know what came over you it was something you did unconsciously, you were comfortable.

Jongho felt his heart pound in his chest at your small action but didn’t respond, not wanting to make things weird. However he did notice something, something sweet. When you moved your head his nose filled with the scent of flowers and sweet hardcandy and he loved it. “Do you have time this weekend to work on the painting? If not it’s fine, but - nevermind.” You were going to say, you really enjoyed spending time with him but held it back. Jongho frowned, he couldn’t that weekend. He had to cover someone’s shift at the convenience store he worked at.

“I can’t this weekend, but next week I definitely can. I’m all yours.” He explained and your smile fell. “That’s too bad. The last time was fun. Like, really fun.” You said and turned away to your sketchbook. Jongho would’ve rather been with you than at the store, but work was something he couldn’t have just missed. With a sad smile, Jongho put his arm over the back of your chair to get your attention.

Your cheeks were pink when you looked at him and your lips were pouting slightly, he was suddenly completely willing to skip work. “You’re cute when you pout.” His words came out before he could catch them and watched as your cheeks turned even redder. Where did these things come from?

Week 3

The keychain was tucked carefully in Jongho’s hand as he waited for you in front of the school with Hongjoong and Seonghwa. He had seen the keychain on his way back home from work that Saturday. It was a small, stuffed, multicolored patchwork teddy bear on a rose gold keychain. When he saw it he thought of you and came to the conclusion, this was the way he was going to ask you out and break the sad news to you at the same time.

“Let me read the note again.” Seonghwa asked Jongho and the younger boy shook his head. “No, she should be here soon.” He was on firm lookout for your figure approaching the school.

Hongjoong tapped Seonghwa on the chest and whispered to him. “He seems to be nervous.” The statement was blatantly obvious and Seonghwa had to do everything in his power to not roll his eyes. “There she is.” He pointed out and Jongho quickly rolled the note up and slipped it inbetween one of the small loops on the keychain.

“Hey, Y/N.” Hongjoong said and waved at you. You walked over with a soft smile and greeted the 3, looking at Jongho a little longer. He looked uncomfortable and fidgeted with his hands under your gaze.

“So, how was your weekend?” Seonghwa asked, trying to distract you as Jongho moved by your backpack. “Pretty standard. Nothing really interesting.” You admitted and thought back to how boring it actually was. “How was it for you guys?” You asked and felt a little tug on your backpack from behind, turning your head you saw with his hand on your bag. “Sorry, you had a bug on your back. I think I flicked it off harder than I meant too.” He lied straight through his teeth, but the keychain was on your bag. “Oh, thanks.” You said, shaking your head slightly at how odd he was acting.

You looked at your watch, noting the fact that you still had to go talk to Mrs. Kim about a personal project. “I have to go talk to Mrs. Kim about something, but I will see you guys later.” You said and waved to them before starting to walk away. “Hey Y/N.” Jongho said after you, making you turn to look at him. He had a soft smile on his face and his ears were pink. “You look pretty today.” He said loud enough for not only Hongjoong and Seonghwa to hear, but the other students entering the school.

You covered your mouth to hide your smile and quickly turned away to go to Mrs. Kim. Jongho giggled at your response only to garner funny looks from his older friends. “You are completely whipped.” Hongjoong said, still in shock at what he had just witnessed. “So what if I am? She’s cute when she’s flustered. Besides she might not like me much once she finds out I’m not in the art class anymore.” Jongho grabbed his bag off of the ground. “I doubt that, she likes you too. It’s blatantly obvious.” Seonghwa shrugged and headed inside of the school. “It is?” Jongho asked himself, wondering how he didn’t pick up the signs.

“Y/N, good morning!” Mrs. Kim greeted as you entered her classroom. “Goodmorning.” You said in return and took a seat by her desk, laying your backpack in your lap.

“So things with your semester project have been going well?” She asked, looking at you with a smile. “Yeah they’ve been going really well...” Your voice trailed off once you noticed the colorfull trinket on your bag. “Sorry what was that?” Your head snapped up at her question and you tried ignoring the keychain. “Sorry, it’ been going great. Jongho is really fun to work with. I think he’s teaching me more than I’m teaching him.” You said, fingers now fiddling with the little teddy bear.

“I’ve noticed your not being so strict on yourself with drawing. It’s refreshing to see. It’s also refreshing to see you smiling in class.” Your fingers glided over the patchwork fabric, before moving to the chain where you noticed a rolled up piece of paper. “I have been happy.” You admitted, not being to contain your little smile. “Jongho does you good. Let’s pray he’ll be there to finish the project with you.” Mrs. Kim said, realising you were distracted in obviously happy thoughts. “Go to your first class, Ms. Y/N and get your head out of the clouds... in a few minutes.” She dismissed you and you smiled even wider.

You left her classroom and leaned against the wall in the hall. Unrolling the note that was now clutched in your hand, you read it to yourself.

“Hey Y/N,

I know this is kind of weird. But I guess that’s kind of fitting to our friendship, weird and something we both didn’t expect. Anyways, I saw this Saturday on my way home from work and it put a smile on my face. Naturally, the fact that it made me smile made me think of you. So please take this as a little gift, as a thank you for taking me under your colorful wing and making me smile.

This is also a sorry, the wrestling coach called me a few days ago and told me a position opened up on the team. So I won’t be in art class anymore. But I promise I will help you finish our project because, well I’m enjoying myself a lot and I want to spend more time with you.

That leads me to my next reason for this little gift. I was wondering if after this project, you would like to spend even more time with me? Maybe let me take you out on a date? If not, I would like to be friends, just let me know.

Also this bear’s name is Sunshine, take care of him well.

- Jongho”

You had to cover your mouth and remind yourself that you were in school and not home in your room. Jongho liked you too, Jongho liked spending time with you and it felt surreal. You hadn’t had a crush in a long time, let alone one that liked you in return.

Tucking the note in your pocket, you looked at the little teddy bear. “I’ll take care of you, Sunshine.” You said softly before scrambling for your class, noticing you were going to be late.

“You look happy.” Wooyoung commented as you past him to get to your seat. “I do?” You asked, not even attempting to hide your smile. “Yeah, you have that energy that says you got asked out.” Wooyoung was cheeky, you knew that but you didn’t know how much your demeanor could change from a simple confession. Yet here you were.

“How did you know that?” You asked him and he Wooyoung started laughing. “You both are blind. He was so nervous this whole week about asking you out and felt horrible about not being able to work on the painting this weekend. Jongho never shuts up about you.” He shrugged and casually unpacked his things from his bag. “He really likes you.” Wooyoung added on and you quickly made your way to your seat as you noticed your teacher had arrived. But class was far from your mind.

Jongho’s figure was recognizable from behind as you saw him walking in the hall. Broad shoulders, muscular figure and very soft looking hair, he was hard to miss. Taking a deep breath, you stepped forward trying to catch up with him to tap him on the shoulder. This wasn’t something you yelled out through the crowd.

He turned around, instantly greeting you with a giant smile and his nose crinkling in the cutest way. “I found your note and your little gift.” You smiled just thinking about his sweet letter. Jongho’s cheeks turned bright red as he felt incredibly nervous to your response. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in person. I have a hard time talking about my feelings sometimes. I hope it didn’t make you uncomfortable or anything.” His apology caught you off guard, could he really not see that you liked him too?

Grabbing his hand, you pulled him to the side and a bit away from other people wandering in the halls. “I would love to go on a date with you Jongho.” You blatantly stated, your hand still holding his. “Really?” His eyes went wide with disbelief, you liked him. Your fingers laced with his now and you started laughing. “I feel like we’re both horribly oblivious. Yes, really.” You were both quiet for a moment, thinking about how nice the other’s hand felt.

“So, we’re gonna try and finish this weekend? I want to take you out on that date.” He quickly said, making you laugh. Jongho didn’t realise how eager he sounded until it came out, but he didn’t care. You didn’t say anything and wrapped your arms around him, pulling him in for a hug.

Jongho reciprocated the action, arms wrapping around your waist gently as he hugged you in return. His face tucked into your neck and he took a deep breath. You smelled nice, like flowers and sweet hardcandies and as if Jongho needed anymore convincing that he liked you.

The weekend rolled around fast enough, yet you found yourself in a slump. The ideas you had regarding the project seemed less and less appealing as the days went by and surely enough you hated your idea. You were so inspiration blocked that you had reverted to spending your Saturday morning sitting infront of the paint splattered canvas, hoping to get an idea.

“Y/N, you’re partner is here. I’m going to go to run some errands and then go out to dinner with friends. Have fun!” Your mother said from your bedroom door and you turned your head to her. “Alright mom, thanks.” You said and watched Jongho awkwardly enter your bedroom.

“Hey.” He said softly, taking note of the fact that you weren’t in your paint clothes but dressed quite cute. Short denim overalls and an oversized striped shirt underneath, very simple and cute but completely fitting to you. But you didn’t look that happy, as a matter of fact you looked distraught.

“What’s wrong?” Jongho asked and sat down on your bed. “I have no idea how to finish this. I had one, but now I hate it. I don’t know how to continue.” You explained, pulling your knees to your chest and looking at Jongho. He had a concerned expression, nose crinkling as his eyebrows furrowed. “Hmm.” He hummed and turned around to look at the paint splatters.

“Scoot over.” He said, kicking his shoes off and sitting down next to you at the top of your bed, back leaning against the headboard. The side of his body pressed into your comfortably as he settled down to stare at the painting. “How long have you been doing this?” He asked, glancing towards you and taking note of how incredibly close your faces were.

“Too long.” You mumbled, resting your head on your knees. “Entirely too long.” Your voice was soft as you continued to look straight ahead. Art block was the worst feeling.

“Distract me a little. How was your first wrestling practice?” You asked, genuinely interested in the topic. You craned your head to look at him, also taking note of how close your faces were. “It was really nice to be back in a familiar space again.” He started and you watched him speak. He looked happy talking about his passion and the made you feel mushy on the inside. Was this how he felt when you talked about art?

You couldn’t help but giggle at his happy expression, he was ridiculously cute and he didn’t even know it. “What was that for?” Jongho asked, leaning into you a little more with a soft smirk. “Happy is cute on you. Can I come to a match of yours?” You asked, burrying your face into your arms a little more. The question was surprising but Jongho loved it, you were slowly taking initiative. “I would love for you to come to a match of mine.” His voice was hushed suddenly, not feeling the need to speak loud. Even though it was just the two of you home, he wanted this moment to be private.

You both simply looked at eachother for a moment, the project at hand being far away from your thoughts. Jongho’s hand moved to yours and you let him take it. His thumb drawing shapes over your soft skin.

“Can I kiss you?” His question caught you completely off guard, but not in a negative way at all. He realised the question was kind of out of the blue, but your naturally pink tinted cheeks, pouty lips and soft expression were too much for him. He really wondered if your lips tasted like the way you smelled, like sweet candy.

You nodded and lifted your head from your arms, your heart pounding in your chest as his hand gently moved up your arm. You leaned further into him and smiled as his hand finally reached your cheek, cupping it gently. He was watching you and admired the way your eyes fluttered shut, the soft smile playing on your lips and the deeper pink tint on your cheeks.

He finally leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours, fingers moving under your chin. His lips were pillowy, soft and incredibly gentle against yours, not wanting to hurt you in any way or form. To him, you tasted exactly like he thought you would. Sweet like candy and he absolutely loved it.

You didn’t realise it until you pulled away, but your hand was on his chest gripping his t-shirt. “Sorry.” You mumbled, letting go only for his hand to catch yours and keep it there on his chest. “It’s okay.” His voice came out as whisper as he locked eyes with you. You gripped his shirt again, now using it as leverage to pull his lips against yours again. This time catching Jongho slightly by surprise.

This kiss was different, the soft, careful demeanor being a lot less present as he pulled you into him. His hands were on your waist and you moved to sit on your knees, lips not seperating once. As his lips moved against yours, you hummed as he squeezed your waist gently before threading your fingers through his silky hair.

“You taste sweet.” He mumbled against your lips and wrapped his arms around you fully. Jongho laid down, making sure to pull you with him and allowing you to rest on his chest. He looked at your flushed cheeks and smiled, pressing his forehead to yours. “God you’re so cute.” He commented, revelling in the feeling of your fingers in his hair.

You tugged slightly and watched his eyes close, long eyelashes catching your attention. Jongho was pretty enough to draw. What you weren’t expecting however, was the low groan the emitted from his throat.

You kissed him again with a total new feeling to it. The way he looked, the way he sounded, it was too much. Jongho could feel it too, the way your breathing had sped up, the way your chest pressed against his, it was all just completely natural for him to get worked up.

As his tongue glided over your bottom lip, gaining more access to your mouth, his hands grabbed your waist and moved you where he wanted you. Straddling his waist now, you could completely feel the effect you had on him and a wave of nerves hit you. “Jongho...” You started, sitting up slightly and only placing your clothed core over his. A moan came out before you could finish what you were saying and the heat on your cheeks flooded back.

“I’ve never done this before.” You finished, your hands on his chest as he looked up at you. “That’s okay, we don’t have to.” He said quickly, not wanting to make you uncomfortable at all. He wouldn’t want you to do anything you would regret. “That’s not what I meant, I just wanted you to know. I want to do this, if you do.” You said, smiling softly at his gentle words and hands coming to find yours. Your finger’s laced together and you looked at how well they fit.

“I do. I really do.” He said, sitting up so that his face was inches from yours again. His movements made his hips buck into yours, shooting relief through your body and making you squeeze his hands. Jongho was loving your little reactions to minor movements.

His lips attached to your jaw, lacing light kisses over the skin and keeping his eyes on you. Your eyes were closed and you were loving the feeling of his lips on your skin. His finger tips danced over the skin of your arms before holding the back of your neck tightly. Lips moving down over your neck, you let out a gasp as he nipped at your skin. “You sound so pretty.” Jongho praised and his words went straight to your core.

“If you want to stop, just tell me.” He said between kisses on the base on your neck. “Please don’t.” Your words came out as a whine even at the thought. He felt so good.

You toyed with the hem of his t-shirt, hoping he’d take the hint that he would take it off. “You’re eager.” Jongho commented and pulled his lips off of your skin. You thought your eagerness had killed the mood and were about to apologize, when he swiftly pulled his shirt off over his head.

His skin looked soft like satin and you found your fingers wandering over the newly exposed skin before moving to the clips of your overalls. You took a deep breath and undid them swiftly, tugging your shirt off and discarding it with his. This amount of exposure was new to you and you felt incredibly shy, the simple white lace of your bra not seeming nice enough for the occasion. You looked down, breaking eye contact with him.

“You’re so beautiful.” His comment made your heart flutter and you looked up again. “So beautiful.” He repeated and you took the plunge, pressing your lips to his harshly and pushing him back. Jongho found that he quite enjoyed the weight of your body on his and that he really enjoyed the feeling of your chest against his, no he loved the feeling. “So soft.” He complimented again as his fingers ran over the skin of your back.

“Stop complimenting me.” You giggled and let out a yelp as he flipped you both over. His hard on was now directly pressing against your core, harshly and your hair was splayed over your pillow. “Why should I stop?” Jongho asked and kissed over your collarbones, his tongue peaking out to lick at your skin. Moving down further, his mouth was at the edge of your bra and his hands moved to undo it. “I mean every word, you know.” He said and watched you slide the item of clothing off of your arms.

“Why are you being so sweet?” You asked as your arms covered your now bare chest in slight embarrassment. Your question was very surprising to Jongho, he didn’t have a reason not to be. He felt incredibly lucky to be in the position he was in and he was going to let you know that, you deserved that.

“Because I feel lucky. You’re trusting me, you’re letting me do this with you.” He explained, odd kisses being placed around your lips. “I feel lucky too, lucky I’m doing this with you.” You admitted and your arms moved away from your chest, feeling even more comfortable with him.

Jongho allowed his hands to move to your chest, squeezing your breast slightly as he nipped at your skin. The kisses became more intense as you felt him suck on your skin, he wanted to leave marks. You hummed when his tongue moved over your nipple, licking the nub before wrapping his lips around it. Moaning, your nails moved over his shoulders and he hummed, vibrations somehow moving through your whole body.

His lips lazily moved over your skin to reach your other nipple, to give it the same attention as his hands moved down your torso. He pushed your overalls down and you helped him pull them off, but not wanting his mouth off of your skin. Your breathing picked up as his hand rubbed over your clothed slit and he bit down on your nipple slightly. All of this was just so stimulating, you couldn’t help but already feel something starting to bubble up in your stomach.

“Jongho~” You moaned, nails digging into his shoulders again. He was loving the fact that he could draw these reactions from you. He pulled your underwear to the side, making you gasp as his index finger ran over your bare slit and gathered your arousal. “Let me know if you want me to stop.” He said again as he knew things were getting more intense. Jongho looked at you as you bit your bottom lip, him pushing his finger into you slowly. You mewled and shut your eyes, accepting the new feeling and loving it. His finger curled and he repeated his actions. You were so tight around him, making his mind wander to how you’d feel wrapped around him.

His finger’s picked up with pace, curling his finger every now and then before adding another. It was a bit of a stretch but nothing uncomfortable, the opposite actually. You were a moaning mess, the coil in your stomach tightening rapidly with each thrust of his fingers.

Your hand shot up, covering your mouth as a particularly loud moan left you, your other hand grabbing his hair. Jongho could tell you were incredibly close to cumming, walls tightening around his fingers and he watched your face. Your cheeks were flushed and your eyes were shut, but your hand was still covering your mouth.

“Let me hear you.” Jongho pleaded, lips moving by your ear as his pace picked up even more. “Cum for me, please.” He mumbled, kissing the skin softly as you tried shutting your legs instinctively. His hand prevented that and you pulled his lips onto yours as you released, back arching of the mattress. He kept pumping his fingers through your orgasm as you kissed him deeply and moaned against his lips.

You whined, moving to push his hand away because the feeling was too much. “Too much.” You whimpered and Jongho pulled his hand away. “You did so good.” He mumbled into the skin of your neck only for it to be cut off with a moan. Your hand had found his bulge and you palmed it gently. It wasn’t fair that you were getting all the attention. Jongho burried his face in the crook of your neck, feeling your hand grip him through his jeans.

A wave of nerves overtook you as you felt how big he was, but you weren’t backing down now. You wanted him.

You undid his jean and he helped you pull them down, laughing slightly at the awkward movements. But it didn’t kill the mood at all, as a matter of fact the small giggles put you more at ease. As he stripped himself of his jeans and boxers, you pulled your own underwear off and threw it to the ground.

Jongho sat on his knees inbetween your legs, cock standing against his lower stomach. He looked thick and you couldn’t help but feel the heat pool between your legs again. Before you did anything else you reached towards your nightstand and pulled open the drawer. You had a small box of condoms stored there for a rainy day and today it was pouring.

He watched you, running his hands over your thighs as you went to pull a condom out. Something about the action was so innocent, especially when you handed it to him with wide eyes. Smiling, he grabbed and leaned forward to kiss your lips lightly. You watched him tear open the foil packet and roll it on, the action being very intriguing to watch.

“You’re still okay with this right?” Jongho asked as one of his hands found your hip. “I am. I promise.” You said softly and found that for some reason you weren’t nervous anymore. You felt so cared for and comfortable, you didn’t have a reason too.

Using his hand, he raised your hips and guided himself towards your slit. Running the tip over your slit and gathering some of your wetness before pressing into you. Jongho made sure to lean forward and hold you close as he looked for any signs of discomfort or pain. But it didn’t hurt, the stretch was a little uncomfortable but there wasn’t any pain. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

“You okay?” He asked, kissing your lips gently before bottoming out completely. You let out a small gasp at the full feeling and your walls clenched in response. He felt so good. You nodded and looked up into his eyes, allowing your body to adjust to him. “Please move.” You whined slightly, any discomfort you had being completely gone and now just being very needy. You bucked your hips making Jongho chuckle before drawing his own hips back.

He started off slow, his hands moving down to hold your thighs and wrap your legs around his waist. Hips drawing out and in gently. The way your body was angled made him hit all the right spots and making the feeling even more intense than it was with his fingers. “Jongho, you feel so good.” You choked out as your fingers toyed with the hairs on the back of his neck.

“No baby, you feel good. You look so good for me.” He commented into your neck before looking at your expression. Your cheeks were the pinkest he had ever seen and you’re lips were swollen, eyes hooded as you looked up at him with a moan leaving you as you did.

“So beautiful.” He remarked, saying it more to himself than anyone else. His hips picked up the pace, causing your nails to dig into his shoulders and a small cry came from your mouth. You were so close again and Jongho could feel it. Your walls squeezed him tighter and tighter with each move of his hips and he couldn’t help but let out a groan at the feeling. His hand moved inbetween your legs and gently rubbed your clit, feeling that he was on the edge of cumming as well.

“Come on, beautiful. Cum for me.” He mumbled, moaning through his own sentence as his hips stuttered and stilled completely. Your own orgasm following not far behind, making your legs tighten around his waist. A small cry left your mouth as you felt your legs shake slightly and Jongho rubbed them soothingly as he came down from his own high.

He allowed himself to rest on top of you with a small laugh and you pet his hair, breathing heavily yourself. “Thank you for being so sweet to me.” You whispered softly, barely being audible. Jongho lifted his head to look at you, smiling before getting off of you and laying next to you. “Thank you for being you. It makes being sweet easy.” You couldn’t help but cover your face in embarrassment and he started laughing. “We just had sex but that embarrasses you? You’re a beautiful surprise everytime I’m with you.” Jongho chuckled and turned over onto his side to look at you. His fingers started tracing over the bare skin of your stomach and he just admired you.

Jongho felt like he was head over heels for you and he had never felt that way for anyone before.

You were watching his expression, taking note of how happy and giggly he was. His eyes were sparkling and that was something you never really noticed before. That was when an idea came to you.

“Oh.” You said, sitting up suddenly and catching him off guard. “Oh? What’s wrong?” Jongho asked and followed your body as you quickly pulled on clothes. “Nothing’s wrong, I have an idea for the project.” You smiled at him and he shook his head in disbelief. Your mind was fascinating to him.

You tugged on your painting shirt and placed yourself on the floor infront of the paint splattered canvas. In all honesty, you were done looking at the thing but you had to take inspiration when it came, even if it was an odd time.

Jongho moved to put his jeans back on, not feeling the need for his shirt just yet as he sat behind you on the ground. He pressed his chest to your back and watched you grab a white chalk pencil. “Why a white pencil?” He asked, genuinely curious as to what you were doing. “Because white shows up better on the colors of background than a regular pencil would.” You explained and leaned back into his bare chest.

“Oh.” His voice was soft as he spoke by your ear, sending goosebumps over your body. You giggled slightly and just started sketching, glancing back at him to get a general idea of his eyes and their shape. “What’s your idea beautiful?” He asked and you smiled. “I’m going to paint you. Well, just your eyes. Because I can and you opened my eyes to trying new things.” You explained and started mapping out his features. Jongho fell quiet at your explanation pressed his lips to your shoulder, just feeling greatfull.

Week 4

Walking into the cafeteria, you stretched out your back and adjusted your bag. Painting was doing a number on your posture but you loved how it was starting to look and so was Jongho. He knew he didn’t do much when it came to the project itself but he still felt proud, of you and of the work he had done.

You spotted Jongho at his table with the other’s and smiled. You hadn’t seen him since that Saturday and were wondering if things were going to be awkward, they weren’t over text. But in real life things could be different.

He obviously hadn’t told any of the others about that Saturdays’ actual events, it was too private and too sacred to him for that. Eventhough he hadn’t seen you since that day, you were the only thing running through his mind. At wrestling practice, in class, at work and at home. His head was in the clouds and he absolutely never wanted to come down.

Catching a glimpse of you, he couldn’t help but wave you over. When you saw him standing, smiling and waving to you from his table you realised you were worried about nothing.

“Hey beautiful.” Jongho said, earning a deep blush from you and surprised looks from the others. “That’s new.” San commented and Jongho smacked him on the shoulder, before grabbing your hand. He sat back down and pulled you down with him so that you were sat on his knee. It was intimate and it garnered looks from people who didn’t know what was going on between you two, but you really couldn’t care. You were although embarrassed, incredibly happy.

“Project needs to be turned in a week. Think we’ll finish it on time?” Jongho asked softly and you nodded your head. “I think so. I have to present it too. But you have wrestling practice, so you focus on that. I can handle the rest of the project.” You assured, allowing your hand to come up to his cheek. Jongho could feel his ears turning pink at the sudden affection, not used to you being the one to make the first move.

Your thumb stroked his cheek gently and you quickly pecked his lips. You were feeling brave. “What was that?” He asked while giggling and you shrugged.

“Just another new thing I’m trying out.”

A/N: This took too long to write and it is all over the place. This is also the biggest story I have ever written so if you actually take the time to read this... I’m sorry?

Sorry it took so long as well. A lot of stuff has been going on in my brain lately. Anyways, feedback is kindly appreciated and encouraged.

#ateez #ateez smut #ateez reaction #ateez scenario #jongho #jongho scenario #jongho smut #jongho reaction #hongjoong #seonghwa #yunho #yeosang #san #mingi #wooyoung

456 notes · View notes

danger-xylophones · 4 years

Text

Major Buir (Plo Koon x reader)

{masterlist}

Words: 3.7k

Warnings: Unedited, Plo Koon trying to flirt but not quite understanding how to make the swoon, Wolffe being the embarrassed son, potential second hand embarrassment for the reader because I think that Plo is very sweet but is not well versed in the art of flirting. Clones being dumb and cute. Angry Wolffe, potential fluff overload-I got a little carried away.

Notes: Yeeee it’s my first time writing for Plo-would it be wrong to tag?...I’m gonna do it. @a-dorin , I would like to thank you for inspiring me to write this. I find myself steadily becoming a Plo simp and your fics have only accelerated my downward spiral.

Also, this was only supposed to be about 1.5k words...woops

……………………………………

“From this, we can conclude that the remnants of the Ehterium cluster supernova would provide a suitable route around this Separatist controlled rat’s nest.” You sniffed carefully and lowered the pointer to tap against the ground but it landed on your foot. Swiftly, you moved it again so it actually tapped against the durasteel floor of the briefing room. A few chuckles slipped from the gathered cloned men and Jedi generals currently scanning over your notes on the holomap that had witnessed the little slip-up. “Though I can understand the hesitance-which is why I have also taken the liberty of charting a different course around the cluster entirely. It would take much longer though and would put you in more danger in the long run as you’d be exposed and out of range for too...long.” You trailed off, suddenly self-conscious of the overuse of the word ‘long’. Even though you’d worked for the GAR since the start of the clone wars (and technically before that if you counted all the academy training) you’d never gotten the hang of the ‘intimidating analytics and tactician officer’ schtick despite trying. You were often compared to a little mouse in the academy-even when you were wielding a blaster. But that hardly mattered when you were one of the top tacticians in the army and the Jedi were very kind to you. Especially General Plo Koon. He was incredibly patient with you as you adjusted to life with the 104th after being transferred from the 205th and he gave off this very warm and loving vibe.

And thankfully your new general was among the Jedi present-calmly looking at you with hands clasped behind his back, respectfully silent as the other masters muttered over the maps you’d provided. You met his eyes uncertainly. While it wasn’t like this was your first time pitching a new tactic to a general it was the first time you’d ever pitched an idea to so many people (eight, to be exact) that were so high ranking. The room was currently occupied by yourself, Depa Billaba, Obi Wan Kenobi, Cody, Anakin, Ahsoka, Rex, Commander Wolffe, and Plo Koon and while none of them were ever rude to you it was hard to not be intimidated. You weren’t the one that had to go through with this plan-they did. They were the ones in danger. Sure, you could lose your job but they could lose their lives. So, you looked to Plo Koon as he would be sure to tell you what he thought.

Perhaps he was so open with you because he could read you better than anyone else? He always knew what you were thinking and knew exactly what to say to help you. If you were honest, it was no wonder why you two were fast friends. And it wasn’t a surprise when you realized that certain feelings had crept up on you. Although you had resigned yourself to never act on them for both of your sakes there was no helping the admiration that prompted you to value the Kel Dor’s opinion over anyone else’s. And just like so many times before, it seemed like Plo knew this for he offered a single nod to you when your eyes met. The tension fled from your shoulders instantly as a silent sigh of relief slipped from you. Plo Koon approved. You had done good. He knew how hard you had worked on the new plans and could cite several instances where he had stumbled upon you slumped over your desk as the testimony to your dedication. Each time the Kel Dor quietly lifted you to your feet and encouraged you to leave the work for the next day as he escorted you back to your quarters. Once the two of you got there, he’d always, always place a secure hand on your shoulder with a squeeze that just barely made his talons dig into your greys as he bid you goodnight before sweeping away with one last order to get some sleep tossed over his shoulder. It was similar small gestures like those that gave you hope that were your situations different-he being a normal citizen like you and not a Jedi with no trace of war-that maybe something could happen. But alas…

“I must say, Major, I do believe you’ve outdone yourself.” Kenobi was the first among the Jedi to speak with one hand clasping his chin and the other clasping his elbow in typical Obi Wan fashion as he scanned over the details once more.

You dipped your head with a carefully practiced, “thank you, General” as your immediate reply though deep inside, your pride swelled. This was possibly your most ambitious plan yet and one that had presented significant challenges. While you were a good tactician, your strong suits lie in terrestrial combat and not space. It felt great to be validated.

“Yes but…” Depa Billaba began with her arms dutifully crossed over her chest as she scrutinized further, “what are we to do about this asteroid field that cuts through our path?” The Jedi asked calmly and you brightened at the mention of it because you had banged your head against it every which way. The asteroid field was the one thing you couldn’t accurately account for as the data you had received on it initially had been outdated. And you explained as much to her.

“However, I am happy to tell you that I may have found a way to...acount for this hazard.” You cleared your throat and leaned over the console to zoom in on the area in question. “This asteroid field is large, messy, and problematic, and had you asked me how to avoid it earlier I wouldn’t have had an answer. But, I think that the best course of action is to separate-to make it look as though the three of you-” you pointed to the generals you were specifying, “are escorting Depa Billaba till she comes in range with the nearby medical station. That way if any Separatists follow you, you can still maintain the element of surprise because I know that if we can make General Billaba’s starship appear vulnerable that they will go for it. Worst case scenario, you dust off the guns a little preemptively. Best case-” again, you clicked another button that revealed a dotted red path through the holo projection, “you can use the asteroids as extra cover while you navigate through this path.” You paused a moment, eyes shifting to gauge the reactions of everyone. From across the table, your eyes met with Commander Wolffe’s who raised an eyebrow at you. “Clone intelligence has informed me that this path might be outdated as well but we will be active on the comms to offer guidance through the field as you go.” Commander Wolffe gave a firm nod and, again, the Jedi and clones retreated inwards to try and think of any situations that they would need to be prepared for. In the weighted silence that followed, you were keenly aware of Plo Koon drawing closer to you as he methodically circled the console before you. His hands remained clasped behind his back the entire time and you couldn’t help but watch him as he approached.

He came to a stop right next to you-close enough for your arms to brush and for his warmth to seep through the fabric of your greys. Plo Koon remained quiet for a little longer, leaving you more time to fight the instinct that told you to lean closer to him before he moved his arms. His taloned hand brushed the back of your own and his vambrace bumped your forearm as he brought his arms up to cross over his torso. You couldn’t help but dwell on the feeling of even that minuscule contact which almost caused you to miss the compliment he paid your way.

“Uh...th-thank you, General.” You coughed into your fist in a not so subtle way to correct your stutter. “But really, my plan is only good because my data was good. You should really thank your men that got me the information.”

The Kel Dor made a huffing sound that would have sounded like a laugh if not for the heavy overlay from his mask. “Believe me, Major, I will but you do deserve some of the credit.” He stressed, even going so far as to grasp your shoulder very briefly. You could still feel the imprint of his touch when he moved his hand away.

“Anakin, you’re being unusually quiet.” Obi Wan saved you from further implosion as he addressed his former padawan. You and Plo Koon both turned your attention back to the other occupants in the room and you were unsettled to find General Skywalker’s eyebrows furrowed in scrutiny as he glanced between you and the Jedi Master. Perhaps more alarming though was Wolffe’s face. He was staring at Plo Koon with what you could only describe as a bug-eyed look.

“Just thinking, master.” Skywalker eventually answered. Your jaw tensed in uncertainty though the younger man said nothing more regarding the visual dissection of your interaction.

The meeting continued for a few more minutes with you working to finalize the more minute details and to take measures to establish backup plans that would most likely be abandoned by the Jedi at the first sign of conflict and the Jedi began to disperse with their own CO’s. Eventually, that left just you, Wolffe, and Plo Koon. At the first sign that the meeting was adjourned, you began to pack your things up and to log off the computers but instead of leaving you to your own devices like you thought he would, Plo Koon remained with you. He casually waited at the console you had left him at with his hands clasped before his diaphragm, a common gesture for him you’d noticed, while Wolffe awkwardly hovered near the door.

“Was there anything else you needed, General?” You asked, glancing over your shoulder at the Kel Dor. He stood up straight and approached with light footsteps.

“Not particularly, Major, but I would like to congratulate you once again on another excellently thought out plan.” Plo Koon’s voice was as calm as it ever was but there was something there-a slight lilt you weren’t familiar with or maybe it was better described as a squeak? Slowly spinning on your heel, you turned to face him.

“Well,...thank you, General. It...It’s my job.” A part of you swore at your inability to take a compliment properly while the other parts were all focused on Plo Koon. Sure, he’d complimented you on your plans before (he did during the meeting) but he had always reserved the more serious praise for after the missions and the debriefings. He’d never stayed after the preliminary meetings.

“If you don’t mind, I’d prefer if you called me Plo Koon-it feels far too impersonal to be addressed as ‘general’ outside of meetings.” The Kel Dor explained with a raised hand to stop you from saying anything else till he had said his piece.

You blinked. Once. Twice. Before eventually sliding your gaze over to Wolffe who had a hand clasped over his eyes. That gesture only added kindling to the confused fire as you returned to the man in front of you. There didn’t seem to be anything amiss-his mask looked in place and to your knowledge, he hadn’t been in the medbay recently. “As...whatever you wish...Plo.” You swallowed, his name-something you’d said in your head thousands of times before-felt foreign on your tongue. “You can of course call me ‘Y/n’...then.” You offered uncertainly.

“Of course,” he echoed with a nod. “I’ve always thought your name fitting.”

“Thank you…?” You asked uncertainly.

“I just mean that it is a strong name and you bear it well.”

“...” Again, you couldn’t help but look over at Wolffe who had taken his face in his hands in what could only be described as a picture of absolute mortification. His helmet was awkwardly squished into his chest as he shook his head from side to side, lips moving as he formed words you couldn’t hear from where you stood. “I...uh...I like your name too, Plo. It’s gentle…?” You tried as you returned your attention to the Kel Dor and raised one shoulder in a half-shrug.

He brightened, back straightening up as he continued to regard you. “Thank you, I’m rather fond of it myself.” A silence fell over the two of you-horribly tense and laced with an awkward air you had no way of dissipating anytime soon. Averting your eyes from the Jedi, you rolled your lips in and bit them as you fished for something else to say.

“Is...are you sure there wasn’t anything you needed, General?” You finally asked after shifting on your feet for the third time.

Plo Koon shook his head, less in a form of denial and more like he was trying to shake himself out of a stupor before answering. “I’m positive but while we’re on the subject of names I feel it is important for me to inform you of the new one circulating amongst my men.”

You raised your eyebrow at the Jedi, not missing the way Wolffe froze entirely. “A new name for me or…?”

“For you.” Plo nodded. “It seems as though they’ve taken a liking to calling you ‘Major Buir’.” There was something in his voice that told you he was smiling (or the Kel Dor equivalent of smiling) beneath his anti-ox mask.

“Buir?” You questioned as your mind raced to dig up a definition for the Mando’a word you’d heard assigned to the Jedi on multiple occasions. “As in what the Wolfpack calls you?”

“Indeed. Are you familiar with Mando’a?”

“After fighting alongside the clones?-of course, but I’m afraid most of the terms I know relate to fighting, tactics, or swearing.” You explained promptly with a glance to Wolffe at the mention of his language-the clone in question looked frozen in his spot and it seemed like he was no longer alone as you could swear you saw the familiar red hair of Boost and the silver of Sinker ducking behind the doorway.

Plo Koon suddenly leaned forward, getting closer to your height as his voice dropped to just above a whisper. “Buir is Mando’a for ‘parent’, Y/n.” Immediately, it felt as though someone had locked you in carbonite-your heart was still warm as it surged with affection for the men of the 104th yet at the same time your body felt the familiar frozen tingle that so often accompanied the sensation of treading through uncharted territory. You were keenly aware of Plo Koon’s proximity and the way your heart sped as a result. In an attempt to combat this you took a deep breath to steady yourself and regain control over your vocal chords. But that was a mistake as Plo’s natural scent infiltrated your senses. He smelled of leather and fresh air, of tea tree and some other piquant scent you couldn’t name that you knew was the remnant of one of the contraband candles he had hidden aboard the ship. It was so him-something the standard issue GAR soap couldn’t hide-that it overwhelmed you in an instant and you found yourself leaning closer. He, a flame, and you, a moth.

Your lips parted slightly as your face relaxed and you swore that you’d never felt calmer. It felt like someone was wrapping you in a hug; you felt safe, wanted, and adored. “But...if they call you that and are now calling me that…” you began through the sudden dwam your mind floated in. The pieces were starting to fall into place. “Then...General Plo Koon,” your voice suddenly became firm as you forced yourself to step back, “Are you trying to flirt with me?”

Plo Koon straightened up, his hands finding their usual resting place crossed in front of his stomach. “I am. Was it not obvious?” He asked, his held tilting to the left just slightly.

You briefly thought back to the somewhat strange string of compliments he’d paid you that lead up to this. “Uh...no, not really.” You explained quickly, eyes now flickering around the room in an attempt to come up with a reply to this revelation.

“Hmm.” Plo Koon hummed. “My apologies then. Boost encouraged me to be forward-perhaps it was not enough?” You blinked up at him, gaping like a fish-if that was Plo being forward then you wouldn’t have stood a chance if he had taken a subtle route.

Before you could say anything though, Wolffe’s explosive voice cut through the briefing room as he rounded on Boost. “You told him to do what?!” The commander barked at his red-headed brother who had long since abandoned hiding behind the doorway and was now standing tall with his chest slightly puffed.

“Oh come on, Vod, we both know the General likes ‘em! And Major Buir wasn’t going to pick up on it anytime soon. I was just trying to help!” He huffed back, practically getting in Wolffe’s face.

“Meddling isn’t helping, Boost!”

“I dunno-seemed pretty effective, Commander.” Sinker chimed in.

Wolffe wheeled on him next. “Don’t tell me you were in on this too!” The one-eyed clone seethed. “If you weren’t my brother I’d-”

“Boys!” You snapped, having heard enough. The three brothers stopped immediately and turned to you; each one bore a similarly sheepish grin. With a shake of your head, you turned back to Plo who had watched on in amusement. “Plo, I’m flattered but...what about your code? I know attachments are dangerous and I wouldn’t want to be the reason you-”

The Jedi master raised a hand. “My dear, attachments aren’t dangerous. It is how they can be used against a Jedi that is.”

“I don’t follow.” You tried only for Plo to shake his head.

“Yes, you do.” The Kel Dor dropped to your height again. “Y/n, if attachments themselves were dangerous Jedi would also be forbidden from being compassionate.” You were stricken silent, painfully aware of the three pairs of eyes currently fixated on the two of you. “But even if they were, I’d still find you worth the risk.” Your heart melted, a soft ‘Plo’ slipping past your lips that made the Kel Dor incline his head. “I know you care for me too, Y/n, so...are you willing to be with me?”

You bit your lip in thought, a smile creeping across your face as you looked up at the Jedi. “I’m guessing there’s no talking you out of this?”

“You may try but my feelings will persist.” Plo countered immediately-a lightness to his voice you hadn’t heard before.

You chuckled briefly and let your gaze slide over to the three clones now curiously peering at the two of you. You took in their identical faces and the imploring looks each one was giving you. When had the Wolfpack wormed their way into your heart? Probably around the same time their general did. You turned back to Plo Koon. “I say...of course,” You smiled and slipped onto your toes to wrap your arms around the Kel Dor’s neck. He returned the embrace with a low hum, his arms slipping around your waist, “ner Jetti.” You could hear whooping and hollering from the entrance to the briefing room.

……………………………………………………..

The barracks were dark and crowded later that night-many of the men from the 104th had all crammed into one room to watch the holofilm you’d smuggled onto the starship. It had been about three weeks since the fateful meeting that led to the union of you and General Plo Koon and each day had brought a new development in your aliit as word of your relationship spread. For the most part, none of the men were surprised-some even commenting on how Plo Koon was apparently unable to tear his eyes off of you during meetings, holocalls, or your brief but frequent trips to the base on Coruscant. But there were a few who weren’t expecting it at all.

But everyone you’d told had been supportive. And now as you sat curled into Plo Koon’s side with clones draped all around you as most dozed off in the peaceful barracks you could safely say that you’d found where you belong.

A tug on your arm pulled you away from the nearly impossible to hear holofilm (the few soldiers that were still awake had turned the volume down so they could let their brothers sleep) and to the clone currently barely awake with his head on your lap. “What is it, Boost?” You asked in a whisper, keenly aware of the sleeping Sinker and Wolffe on Plo’s other side. Still, your voice managed to catch the Jedi’s attention as he turned his head towards the two you.

The red head stared up at you blearily, a yawn interrupting him before he began speaking. “I just wanted to say that I’m happy you and general buir are together now. And that I’m glad I could help.”

A breathy laugh escaped you that Plo helped quiet with a hand over your mouth. He dipped his head to gesture at Wolffe who grumbled and curled closer to Sinker in his sleep. In retaliation, you batted his hand away and rolled your eyes at the Kel Dor before looking back at the sleepy man. “I am too, Boost. Thank you.” You answered fondly, letting your head fall against Plo’s shoulder.

“Like I said-” he cut off to yawn, “happy to help...major...buir.” Boost trailed off as his eyes closed and he wormed his way closer to you.

You smiled. “Thank you, ner ad’ika.” As Boost officially fell victim to dream land you turned towards Plo who had watched the exchange carefully. The same feeling of being hugged, of being safe, wanted, and loved infiltrated your senses but you now recognized it as Plo’s signature. Still bearing that soft painted smile, you pressed your forehead to his. A final whisper of thank you slipped from you as you resigned yourself to stay in that moment forever.

#plo koon x reader #plo koon #star wars #clone wars #star wars: clone wars #tcw #wolfpack

268 notes · View notes

degenerate-perturbation · 3 years

Text

tagged by @sharlatan-ka for top 10 favorite female characters, but that's way too intimidating a question to figure out so instead I will use this opportunity to showcase a bunch of female characters that became my favorites in large part because of how much everyone hates or disregards them

1. Vivienne de Fer, Dragon Age. Easily one of the most interesting characters in all three games, certainly the most interesting character in Dragon Age: Inquisition. If people put even the tiniest fraction of the effort into her that they do into Background Man #3 the world would be an immeasurably better place.

2. Isis Ishtar, Yu-Gi-Oh! What makes me mad about this one is that Isis had the exact same abusive childhood that her brothers did (with Bonus Misogyny!) but people still act like she's fine and that she'd be a force of uncomplicated conservatism and traditionalism and wouldn't have any trauma relating to anything that happened to her. What's wrong with you guys. She is clearly super traumatized. Also I thought she was really pretty and was super hypnotized by her outfit in the Battle City finals.

3. Minerva Paradizo, Artemis Fowl. I remember reading the fifth book in this series as a young child and instantly taking a liking to her because oh wow, she's just like Artemis but a girl :) She's so cool and pretty and awesome and the type of character I can project onto the way I can absolutely not project onto the Action Girls in this series I can't wait to see what fanfiction there is about her :) And that is how I discovered the ridiculously disproportionate amount of hatred this fictional French 12-year-old girl had garnered even unto having her be written out of the sequels, and this my friends is when I began to know true hatred.

4. Mai, Avatar: The Last Avatar. Everyone was like bluh bluh she's so boring she doesn't deserve Zuko. Fuck off, she loved him, she deserves nice things, I hate you. Also she is hot.

5. Misa Amane, Death Note. Another character who I shipped with their love interest as a child solely on the principle of "She's so pretty and nice, she deserves to have whatever she wants including that ain't-shit man she's in love with." I love and defend every female character who loves somebody honestly and openly and has their love thrown back in their face, they deserve to be loved too!!! Also all the Light/L fanfiction that wrote her out or cast her as a stupid airhead made me mad. Death Note would have been better if Misa had been a serious player in the game.

Okay there are probably more but none more off the top of my head so here are 5 more female characters that I related to or saw myself in at one point or another in my life and therefore will always be a little bit special to me.

6. Mabel Pines, Gravity Falls. At Mabel's age I was actually kind of a misanthropic goth kid drawing pictures of my school blowing up which in this day and age would probably get me collected by CPS, but maybe around ages 16-19 I was very much like Mabel. I had a sticker book of over 5000 Lisa Frank stickers and I would use them to decorate my phone case with a solid collage of rainbow dolphins and princesses, like a fucking fruit.

7. Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation. I really liked Leslie because she was too much but in a way that was cast in a completely positive light. Her meddlesomeness and earnestness and try-hard nature are things we are supposed to like about her even when it causes problems. As somebody who has historically been Too Much this was really nice to see.

8. Undyne, Undertale. Undyne is a Vriska, but good. As someone who hated Vriska because she was kind of all my worst characteristics (as I understood them) rolled into a single horrible character, so Undyne was also a comforting character to see portrayed positively.

9. Utena Tenjou, Revolutionary Girl Utena. Self explanatory.

10. I can't think of a tenth character so I'm just going to say Eowyn from Lord of the Rings but not really the film version. Film Eowyn is fine but not enough of a huge bitch. Book Eowyn is a problematic depressed bitch and she still gets defeat big-deal villains and have nice men fall in devoted love with her because she's awesome and the best.

Anyway, the end. Tagging uhhh you usual bastards @linksawakening @transcastiels @rem-ir @beanplague @yamitamiko @skullhaver @fractalwriter get cracking sluts

#tag games

15 notes · View notes

lettingmydreamsspeak · 4 years

Text

The Heart Knows Best : Part VI

Summary: There is nothing like sitting across the table from the one you are interested in, but when you are slated to work with them, how are you going to keep focus?

Pairing: Chris Evans x Female Reader

Warnings: None

Word count: approx. 3300

Author’s Note: This one has been a few months in the making. Life definitely got in the way, in ways I didn’t imagine it would. It feels good to be back though. Catch up with Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, and Part V here before checking out Part VI!

************************************************************************

You felt time freeze in that moment. Who was going to ruin all of this and wake you up from this dream? Chris stood there just smiling at you.

“Yes, the very Y/n from the book that you read on the video! We had some discussions, and felt that she was the best fit for this project. Scott did remind us that you did specifically love the drawings from that book.”

Still staring into your eyes and holding your hand, Chris responded to Evelyn.

“Yes, this is true. By the way…it is so nice to meet you Y/n!” He had the biggest grin on his face, looking as if he wanted to laugh at the fact that you were standing in front of him. He was in shock, just as much as you were. As for Scott, well he is feeling pretty proud of himself. He wasn’t going to let this little secret out anytime soon.

“It is very nice to meet you as well Chris. Thank you for selecting our publishing firm to help bring your book to life.”

“Well, it’s not just my book. My brother Scott is a part of the writing adventure too.” Chris directed your attention over to the other side of the table.

“How rude of me not to introduce myself. Thank you Chris for the introduction.” Scott stood up from the table and eagerly walked over to greet you not just with a handshake, but with a quick hug.

“It’s very nice to meet you as well Scott!”

You were taken aback. Usually hugs weren’t a traditional way of greeting clients, but his friendly demeanor was welcome. If his hugs were a slight indication of what one from Chris would be like, you looked forward to experiencing it. Chris followed behind Scott, as he returned to the other side of the table, taking a seat across from you. You couldn’t bring yourself to look over at Chris, knowing that you would be distracted. You knew that his eyes would stop the world around you, let alone cause you to fumble over your words. Thankfully Evelyn was taking the lead on this meeting. You were there just to hear the ideas, figure out a timeline to complete this project, and see what Evelyn has in store for you.

“First off, thank you Scott for reaching out to us with the idea of writing this children’s book. When we saw your video explode on social media, I don’t think we ever imagined that this project would happen. I was excited to get your call.”

“Well we need to thank you in return Evelyn, and your team, for being willing to meet with us so quickly to get the ball rolling. The timing couldn’t be more perfect for us to work on this book and I know that we have lots of ideas to comb through. Hopefully we won’t be too much of a pain!”

Everyone around the table had a good laugh at Scott’s comment. You couldn’t help but look up at Chris at that moment as you heard his laugh. A smile grew on his face as your eyes met.

“I don’t want to speak for Chris, but I know this was something that I have always wanted to do. This is a memory that we can make together as brothers.”

“I have to agree with Scott. There is a lot of work ahead of us and I know the both of us are keen on getting this done. I just have one question.”

“I will try my best to answer.” Of course Evelyn would have an answer for Chris. She was the ultimate decision maker who wanted to please her clients. This was not that time to disappoint anyone.

“Is it possible to incorporate a charity component to the sales of this book?”

Of course he asked such a question. It melted your heart. You heard that he was a kind heart guy, and now you believe it from the one simple request he made.

“We sure can. You just let us know who you would like the proceeds to go to, and we will do the rest for you!”

“Thank you Evelyn. That was the most important part to me, to really seal the deal. Scott and I will have some discussion about who we would like to work with. I have a few ideas already, but I want the both of us to be on the same page.”

“I agree with Chris. So how do we move forward, Evelyn?”

“Ultimately, we will work with your schedule.”

“Alright! I know that we probably have to work out some kind of timeline for this to be completed. I have already checked with my agent and my schedule is clear for at least the next three to four weeks. Obviously we have never done this before. Does that seem like a reasonable amount of time?”

“We will work with your schedule. Knowing that you are free for the next few weeks Chris, we will start the project right away. Luckily, we have planned for Y/N to be in town for the duration of the project, so she will be available throughout the process.”

“Oh, you don’t live in Manhattan Y/N?” Even though Scott knew exactly where you live, he wanted to sound a little clueless and curious.

“As much as Manhattan feels like home to me now, Vancouver is my hometown. The team has welcomed me with open arms and Evelyn has been kind enough to set up an office for me here for the duration of my stay.”

“That’s great. Who knows, maybe this city will become your home one day. I hope it’s not all work and no play for you the duration of this trip though. By the way, we are excited that you agreed to come on board with this project, right Chris?” Scott nudged Chris out of a daze that you clearly could see and sense from across the table.

“Oh…yes! I…I mean we are excited to be working with you. Hopefully Scott doesn’t drive you crazy.”

“Hey!!!” Scott punched Chris is the arm.

The grin on your face grew as you watched these brothers being typical brothers. You could see their bond was strong. It reminded you of your relationship with your brother. Gone are the days when you would beat up on each other. You couldn’t help but think of what your brother’s reaction would be if he found out what was happening right now.

“So how about we kick things off tomorrow? Y/N you can meet with Scott and Chris for your initial creative session. I have booked out this conference room for the remainder of the week, so the three of you can start brainstorming. And I will have the contract to you two later today” Your head was spinning as Evelyn proposed the start of the project. You were not prepared to spend every moment with Chris so sudden. Really this was the ideal situation. How was this even possible?

“This sounds great! We will be here at 9am. We will bring the breakfast.” Scott was enthusiastic about the start of this project, but he looked forward to the moment they left the building as he knew his brother was about to burst at the seams. “We thank you again Evelyn. And Y/N, we will see you tomorrow morning. I warn you now; I don’t know how much a morning person my brother is.”

“I will make sure there is lots of coffee to fuel us, most specifically Chris.”

You found it hard to believe that Chris wasn’t a morning person, considering the early hour that you met him in the park. Who were you to argue with Scott though, as you didn’t want Evelyn to find out about the chance encounter that Chris and you had just a week prior. Everyone stood up and made their way from the table towards the door. Secretly you didn’t want him to leave. You tried to think of something that would stop him and encourage him to stay just a little longer.

“Wait! I should give you both my business card. If you happen to be running late, just let me know!” You handed a card to both Scott and Chris. In your mind, you hoped that Chris would use this as a way to reach out to you, not just for business reasons.

“Good thinking. Thank you Y/N. We will see you tomorrow morning.” Chris’ hand touched yours again as you handed the card over to him, causing the sparks to fly. You brought yourself to look him in the eyes, even though you were intimidated by the smile he still had. He made you smile.

You watched them walk away as the chatter from behind you grew. Just as you turned to return to your spot in the conference room, you see Chris as the end of the hallway turn to see if you were still there. You smiled and lazily waved bye to him. You instantly felt stupid for waving as you wondered how stupid you looked doing it.

************************************************************************

The day flew by and exhaustion set in as you arrived back at your hotel room. After being in meetings with Evelyn all day, you couldn’t wait to tell Haley about what happened. It was the perfect evening to grab take out from the deli around the corner from the hotel, for dinner in bed. You crawled into bed, with the buffet laid out in front of you as you quickly dialed Haley, hoping that she would answer. You needed to process the day, as it still seemed like a dream.

“Why aren’t you out on the town right now?”

“I am not in any state to be out and about tonight?”

“Rough day?” Haley knew exactly what happened today, thanks to the play by play from Scott. She was hoping that you would have told her you were getting ready for some fancy date with Chris, but played dumb by asking if you about your day.

“No? I don’t think I can classify it as that. You are never going to believe what I am about to tell you.”

“Oh?”

“Chris. He is my new client.”

“As in THE Chris?” Good thing Haley could cover up the sarcastic tone in her voice with enthusiasm and shock. She was a really good actress.

“Yes that Chris. Hales, it was so hard to sit across the table from him. I am slated to work with him for the next three to four weeks.”

“This is a dream come true, isn’t it?”

“Yes and no. I don’t know how to deal with this Hales. He is within reach and I am acting like a stupid teenager.”

“Just be yourself Y/N. He is probably in just as much shock as you. I can only imagine that he is sitting in his home or hotel room trying to process everything with his brother.”

“You are right. Wait…..how do you know that his brother is with him?”

Haley needed to cover up the knowledge she had, as Scott has just texted her prior to you calling.

“I follow Scott on Instagram. He posted about being in the city, so I made the assumption that they are hanging out together.”

“Yah, they are both my client. Chris is writing the children’s book with Scott.”

“That will be so much fun! Maybe Scott will make it easier to hang out around Chris. He can lessen the tension between you and Chris.” As Haley continued talking to you, she texted Scott asking him to help you out tomorrow, because she knew you were going to be a nervous wreck.

So, Y/N is going to be a nervous wreck tomorrow. Can you work your magic and ease things a little?

************************************************************************

Chris paced back and forth in the hotel room, scratching at his facial hair. He did this when he was nervous or unsure of things he could not control. His afternoon was occupied with production meetings, which kept his mind from constantly thinking about you. Yet there he was, thinking about you. Scott had just returned from getting take out for the both of them.

“Have you worn out the carpet yet?”

Chris stopped to actually look down to the carpet, wondering if he actually did wear things down.

“Nope, not yet! You realize I am not going to sleep tonight. She has been on my mind all week, and now she is within reach and I don’t know what to do. I feel like a stupid middle school boy that doesn’t know how to talk to his crush!”

“When was the last time you felt like this?”

“Honestly, I don’t think I have ever felt like this.”

“Just be yourself then.”

“But what if she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings that I am having?”

“Just take a chance. I have a good feeling about this.” Just then Scott received a text. Looking at his phone, it was Haley. The two of them hadn’t stopped conversing since the meeting this morning. To distract Chris from the texting, Scott quickly unpacked all the food from the paper bags. “Here, let’s get some food into you.” As he motioned Chris to come get food, he pulled out his phone to read the message from Haley.

So, Y/N is going to be a nervous wreck tomorrow. Can you work your magic and ease things a little?

Scott responded quickly.

I will try my best. Chris is a wreck already. He is worried that Y/N won’t have the same feelings for him. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. It could be an interesting day. Ps. How the heck are we going to keep this secret up?

************************************************************************

You laid in the massive king size bed, staring at the ceiling. It was shortly after 1:00am and you had given up on the idea that you would get any sleep. You learned to sleep with your phone on the other side of the room, so you couldn’t press snooze on the alarm. As you struggled to sleep, you needed something mindless to help pass the time, and hopefully help you fall into a deep slumber. You crawled out of bed to grab your phone from the desk. You had a couple of notifications for work emails and social media updates from your friends. There was also a text from a number that didn’t look familiar. Unsure of who this text was from, you click to open and read it.

I saw the weather for tomorrow. You might need an umbrella :)

Your heart skipped a beat. The time stamp indicated that he had texted 20 minutes earlier. Clearly Chris was having troubles sleeping as well. You wanted so badly to text him back, but knew that you should keep things professional. You read the text over and over again, like it was the first time you were reading it. You loved that he referenced the first time he met you. You also loved that he was looking out for you.

You typed out a few words in response, but deleted them as quickly as they filled the screen.

It must have been his words that calmed your nerves, as your eyes got heavy reading his message a hundred times over. You eye lids became heavy and the phone fell from your hand onto the pillow beside you.

************************************************************************

Though the hours of sleep were short, you felt energized for the day. You took extra time prepping as you woke before your alarm went off. You were making sure that you were feeling confident and cute. With Chris’ recommendation running through your mind all morning, you looked out the window and saw that rain started to fall. You brought the umbrella that he had given you, on the rare chance that you would run into him and give it back. You didn’t want to give it back though. You saw this as a memento from the day you met him. You checked the time on your phone to make sure that you were still on time. His text from the night before almost haunted you. Now was maybe the time to text him back.

Thanks for the heads up. Does this mean I need to return it to you? See you soon! Ps. How much coffee will you require this morning? ;)

With that response, it was probably about that time that you should head out to make that coffee that you promised. As you ran out the door with the umbrella in hand, you gave yourself one last once over in the mirror to make sure that you were looking as good as you were feeling.

“Guess what Y/n, this is no longer a dream. You got this.”

************************************************************************

Chris admittedly was not typically a morning person. Today was a different day. He was up before his alarm went off. He had finished up all his emails before Scott even woke up. His thoughts of Y/N did this to him. He was anticipating the moment he would get to see her again. He also had to make a conscience effort not to check his phone every two minutes to see if she has responded to his message from the night before. For a moment he had second guessed himself and even sending a message at all, especially that late at night.

Noticing that his brother was still sound asleep, he grabbed a pillow from his bed and flung it at his head, in hopes that it would startle him awake.

“Get up! We are going to be late!” Chris lied in that moment just to see what Scott’s reaction would be.

“Lies. My alarm hasn’t gone off yet. Now f*** off.”

“Good morning to you too. To let enjoy your beauty sleep, I will go and pick up the breakfast we promised to take to the office.”

“Okamph donmmph forgmph frugmph.” Scott’s response was muffled by the pillows that he covered his head with, in anger that his brother thought it was a good idea to wake him up.

“Ahhh, yes. I completely understood that. See you at the office.”

Chris had some eagerness in his step, as he grabbed his messenger bag and ran out the door to catch the elevator. He anticipated seeing Y/N, so much so that there seemed to be a permanent smile on his face. As the door slide open on the elevator to welcome him on, a young family with two small boys stared at him as their jaws dropped open.

“Good morning crew!” As he entered the elevator he approached the young boys and gave them both a high five. He was even beginning to question his own enthusiasm first thing in the morning. As they arrived to the lobby, the younger of the two boys used great confidence to ask Chris for a photo. This kid pulled at his heart strings that he couldn’t resist being able to fulfill such a request. Just as the three of them got into place to take the photo, Chris looked up to see a woman walking through the lobby, clearly on a mission to get somewhere. His heart stopped for a moment and he tried to remain focused on taking this photo. He was pretty sure that it was Y/N heading out the revolving door. He wanted to chase after her, but did want to break the hearts of the boys. As they finished up the photo and went on their way, Chris was quick to run out the lobby to see if he could see Y/N. She was nowhere to be seen, especially in the sea of umbrellas covering the people rushing off to work.

“Why did I have to have a black umbrella?” He stood there staring down the sea of black umbrellas, with a bit of disappointment. As everyone rushed by him on the sidewalk, Chris grabbed his phone to see that he missed a text from her.

Thanks for the heads up. Does this mean I need to return it to you? See you soon! Ps. How much coffee will you require this morning? ;)

Of course his smile grew when he read her response.

Keep it! It’s my gift to you. Too bad I didn’t buy a replacement though...I might need a towel along with a very large cup of coffee when I get to the office. See you soon!

As he pressed send on his response, the rain suddenly started to come down a little heavier. In that moment though, he didn’t mind one bit. A little bit of rain wasn’t going to ruin his day.

#Chris Evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans imagine #chris evans x reader #chris evans reader #chris evans x female reader #chris evans x y/n

52 notes · View notes

ughgclden · 3 years

Note

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

#asks <3 #anon asks!#star anon #long post

2 notes · View notes

sierrabinondo · 3 years

Text

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could.

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration.

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid.

then... the following week came.

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of.

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah.

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.”

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic.

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried.

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal.

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs.

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH. i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am

-watching so. much. anime.

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

13 notes · View notes

squarecarousel · 3 years

Text

Interview with Caitlin Alexander

Well folks, we're nearly at the end of our Square Carousel journey, and there are just two interviews left – both with two of our longest-standing members! Today, we reconnect with Caitlin Alexander, who has been with the Square Carousel Collective from its very beginning almost 10 years ago. Although we've featured an interview with her here in the past, it's been so long that we are due for an update! When she's not freelancing or performing her duties as an SC admin extraordinaire, Caitlin works tirelessly on her craft, creating prints, products, hand lettered posters, and artwork that embrace the earthy beauty of nature. With a strong focus on environmentalism and a sense of community, her artwork exudes a warmth and complexity that draws the viewer in and invites them to stay a while. Read on for her gems of wisdom!

Make Earth Cool Again

Q: Comparing your early work from your first few years after college to your most recent pieces, you've kept a lot of the textural, playful essence of your style while refining certain elements. Has your process changed much since those early days, and if so, what do you now do differently?

A: Such a great question straight out of the gate! My process has changed quite a bit since I graduated in 2011 (almost a decade ago... yikes!). In college, part of my crafted identity as a brand-new illustrator was my traditional use of gouache paint. I actually, in all honestly, was kind of a snob about it, because so many people in our department worked solely digitally. I felt that digital painting was a crutch, which I suppose can be true in some cases, and possibly even more-so when you're applying that to college students, but I certainly had no ground to stand on. In reality, my snobbery kept me from learning critical tools, as I never took Photoshop or Illustrator classes, aside from the one that was required for graduation. This hindered my work a great deal outside of college, given that illustration is so often paired with graphic design, and editing work for clients was so much more difficult traditionally. In 2013, I got a job designing t-shirts, and lied to the company, saying I knew how to use Illustrator. Luckily it was remote, so I was able to teach myself without anyone hovering over me, but that was so foolish, looking back, given the expensive education I got at SCAD should have been my opportunity to learn those things. I introduced digital work more and more over the years, and by 2016 or so, I was primarily a digital artist. Gouache will always have a place in my heart, and I will still break out the tubes occasionally, but working digitally has allowed me to grow so much more as an illustrator, with the ability to edit, paint with more detail, and having more control over color and layering.

Q: Of all the projects you've done in your professional career, which would you say is closest to your heart?

A: Probably the picture book I worked on a couple of years ago, titled "Cool For You." I had a lot of creative freedom for that project, and the subject matter of climate change is personally very important to me. Working with the author, Marianna, was really wonderful, as well.

Cool For You book cover

Q: The Southwest influence on your work is pretty significant, and I think it's safe to assume you appreciate the majesty of the landscape in your region of the country. However, if you had to live in another state, which would you choose and why?

A: Funny you ask that, because I've actually considered moving from Texas to Colorado lately! The culture there is still very western, but I appreciate the liberal point of view (Texas has been grating on me lately, even living in Austin), and the landscape is even more stunning out there! I'd be close to so many inspiring National Parks. Plus, summers wouldn't be 8 months of the year and over 100 degrees for half of it!

Travel West postcard (1 of 6)

Q: TV shows or movies?

A: Lately, Jordan and I have been watching New Girl on repeat. I'm not usually one to watch a show or movie over and over again, but I think we really just needed something light and fun, since life has been so very stressful over the last year.

Q: What's your favorite subject to draw?

A: This one is hard! I'm torn between people and landscapes. People are more fun and comfortable for me, and I could knock out a bunch of them quickly. Landscapes are always intimidating, and I'm nervous the whole time, feeling like I can't remember how I did it the time before. It's so strange, because it always ends up fine! But since I feel that way, the payoff is so much greater when I feel satisfied with the final result.

Q: What would a perfect day look like for you? A: I probably would have answered this totally differently pre-COVID, but in this current world we live in, I would absolutely love to have what used to be a normal, uneventful weekend day for me: Jordan and I would sleep in a little, see an early afternoon movie at the Alamo Drafthouse where we'd eat lunch, then spend the rest of the afternoon browsing used book stores and estate sales, and then meet our friends at the neighborhood coffeehouse for dinner and Trivia Night. I will be so happy to have that again.

Cover art for East Side Magazine

Book Lover Ladies series- The Book Clubbers

Q: What have you learned from your years at Square Carousel, whether organizing behind the scenes or as a contributor?

A: Oooof!! So SO many things! Wow... well, I'll go with the most obvious first: as a member, I learned how to continue to make portfolio-worthy work, even without jobs coming in. That was definitely the most valuable thing about Square Carousel, in my opinion, and hopefully what everyone else got out of it, as well. It can be so hard for fresh graduates to keep up that momentum, and the group saved many of us from becoming stagnant. In terms of running the group... it's been rewarding, but honestly very difficult throughout the years. There have been many ups and downs, and finding the right balance between structure and patience can be extremely challenging. I'm super proud of Elizabeth and myself (OG members!) for keeping it running through the messes-- we've been through some shit together! My major takeaway is the importance of diligence. Projects, businesses, organizations-- they all need at least a couple of people who just keep chugging along, always maintaining the structure (schedule and accountability) and balance (rules and lighthearted encouragement).

Moth magnets

Q: As the readers are aware, Square Carousel drawing to a close soon. Do you have any plans for what you'll do with the extra time you'll have after our tri-weekly challenges end?

A: You know, I actually haven't thought about this too much yet. It's probably because I'll just fill it with more self-imposed projects and deadlines, since I was able to bring that skill I learned in Square Carousel into the rest of my career a while ago. (Or more real jobs! That would be ideal!) I'll miss the community though, and hope to find a way to keep that aspect of freelance life alive. Instagram friends, anyone?

Q: What's your quirkiest habit?

A: Jordan told me recently that he found it weird and endearing that I joke-sing to my cats in the kitchen about really stupid stuff... so probably that! Official Cat Lady© status achieved.

Caitlin and Buster Keaton the Kitten

Q: What advice would you give to a newbie illustrator just starting out today?

A: I'd give them the hard advice that our professors didn't really give us in school: there is no way this is going to work out for you if you're not incredibly committed to pursuing it. Now, don't get me wrong-- I'm not telling anyone to have an unhealthy work/life balance because I think that's a toxic sentiment. But you have to keep illustrating and illustrating and illustrating, and arguably more importantly, keep networking and networking and networking. You're going to be rejected or ghosted more often than not, but if you really want it to work out, you're going to keep doing it anyway. And taking critiques if industry folks offer them, to grow and become better. Don't become stagnant in those critical building years.

Caitlin’s studio

Q: Anything else you would like the readers to know?

A: Yes – thank you so much for supporting Square Carousel through our amazing ten years of challenges! We really appreciate everyone who has kept up with us, checking out the illustrations for each prompt and reading our posts and interviews. Y'all are wonderful, and we hope you'll continue to find us, wherever each of us fly from here! And on that sweet note, we say goodbye for now! Check out Caitlin’s website for more, and follow her on Instagram for new art when it drops.

Join us next time for our final interview!

#interview #caitlin alexander #illustrator #interviews #square Carousel #gouache #digital artist #artists on tumblr #artist interview #cba illustration

3 notes · View notes

justkindaoverhereobsessing · 3 years

Text

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by: @indestinatus

tagging: no one, because I am unable to think straight. But whoever is interested in doing this: I’m interested in reading it. <3

Wow, okay, I’m getting real in this little questionnaire... read at your own risk, friends.

1. List of works published this year:

I genuinely can’t write them all out here... there are too many of them! (I’ve done so little besides writing this year!) But I keep a running list of all my projects here. I’m sorry for cheating on this one, haha.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

This question comes up a lot on these things, and I always put the same answer: That We May Forgive. It’s has emotional moments, silly moments, heartfelt moments where the warmth made me cry as I wrote. It was written in one sitting, and it’s the story where I felt most connected to the characters I love so much. It sums up the joy I feel knowing that these (fictional) friends of mine have finally reached peace after too many years of trauma and hardship. I began the story with a single line in mind, after which the characters took over and told the story for me:

Ziva's second pregnancy is nothing like her first.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

You Stumble, You Soar, which was written for one of my dearest friends in the world, @why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee. I wanted to do so much better by her, but as I ran out of time to complete the story by the end of her birthday, I rushed the writing and I think the story suffered for it. It made her happy, though, and that’s the most important thing. She deserves all the happiness, all the time—but especially on her birthday.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I can’t think of a favorite excerpt of my writing, because I’ve written so much that I can’t think back!

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

“Wow. Let me just tell you that I am absolutely in love with this story. I wake up everyday and, as I log into fanfiction, my only hope is that you've uploaded a new chapter because DAMN. The characters are so well written, the story is beautifully constructed and this last chapter just broke my heart into tiny little pieces. What a remarkable job you've done. Please, don't ever stop writing NCIS/Tiva fanfiction- specially this one story: it's one of my all time favorites. Thank you :)”

An incredibly kind and inspiring comment by a reader named Alexandra on my longest (WIP) fic, We Are an Ocean.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I’ve had two periods of NCIS hiatus this year—and actually, I’m still in the midst of the second one right now. These have periods of turmoil in my own life. When I’m upset, feeling sick, feeling sorry for myself and I’m depressed and aching... that’s when I write the best, because writing is my safety blanket. When I’m feeling numb, though, or lost... the characters are lost to me, too, and so are the words I use to wrap them (and myself) in comfort.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I’m going to deviate here from NCIS, which is—I’m well aware—why most of my followers have chosen to follow me. But in the last month, I’ve written a single fic for Criminal Minds—it’s called In Possibility, it’s unpublished, and it’s now over 100,00 words. It’s centered on Spencer Reid, who was intimidating to me when I started writing the fic. He’s far more intelligent than I am, requiring me to do a lot of research to give him realistic lines, he’s a deep and complicated character with complicated motivations and a tangled, traumatic past. He also has a sweet, really good heart that’s been scarred by years of difficult work and an emotionally taxing personal life.

I thought he’d be difficult to write; to my surprise, he comes as naturally to me as any of my other favorite characters ever have. He gave me my first nanowrimo win! To be frank, he’s gotten me through a lot of shit this year. That was the best surprise.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

To be honest, I wasn’t much of a writer before this year. I enjoyed writing, especially in a roleplay setting with fandom friends... but I deeply struggled with trying to write alone. I didn’t do much of it.

Then, this year, well... the concept of writing exploded into the most important distraction, escape, and joy I could imagine.

I didn’t grow as a writer this year. I became a writer this year.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

My most recent project—the one that, as I’ve said, is (and will remain) unpublished—has given me a new perspective. It’s written for an audience of me and only me... so I’ve given myself permission to engage in the most ridiculously self-indulgent writing I’ve ever embraced and thrown myself into.

And it has been the greatest joy I could imagine in a time of great pain.*

Next year, I want to throw myself into every project I work on with as much reckless abandon as I’ve done in this last project. I want to stop worrying so much about what people will think and pursue the words that are bursting out of the fingers on my laptop keyboard. I want to have confidence in my ability to draw out emotions—if from no one else, at least from myself.

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.” —Emily Dickinson

And it’s alright if that one heart is mine.

That’s what I want to accomplish in my writing next year, and what a growth that would be!

* I’ve mentioned this in my last post, but I’m recovering from brain surgery, I also have the COVID-19 virus, and I’m working on passing a kidney stone that may be too big to pass. I’m writing 10,000 words a day to get through it—and it’s working. Distraction is everything to me right now.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Like Sof, I have to tag three people here, because I really couldn’t choose just one. My three best friends in the world all influenced my writing in their own ways! <3 (Sorry for deviating a little from the writing thing in some of the following lines, oops. I just have emotions that are all over the place this week!)

@indestinatus — One of a few best friends who has had my back every day for so long now. She listens when I need to talk things out—whether or not I’m talking about writing. She really gets me when I need to be silly, or I need to be serious, or I just really, really need a friend. Also, she inspired me to start learning Portuguese this year, and I’m actually practicing by writing a fic in Portuguese, lol. It’s slow going... but Sof encourages me (and corrects me, haha) whenever I work on it, just as she does with absolutely anything else I work on. Truly, I’ve had few friends in my life that are so special to me, and I love her. I really do.

@why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee — Is there a better cheerleader on this earth? Is there a better friend? Doubtful on both counts. She thinks I’m a disaster—and, by the way, she’s absolutely right—and she sometimes has to remind me to eat and sleep, but she’s totally cool with being my internet mom. Doesn’t matter that she’s nearly a decade younger than I am, lol. All of these things have bolstered me when the writer inside of me has faltered, and she has carried my burdens as I wrote them out. Anyway, she reads everything I write, and she has requested to gain access to all of my unfinished chapters and unpublished works in the event that I die—I completely trust her with that nonsense. I’ve written it into my will. Really. Like with Sof, I genuinely love Tiz, and I’d do anything for her.

@honeybadgerdocare — Best friend of 20 years. She doesn’t watch the same shows that I do, and my endless ranting makes very little sense to her... but she listens. She’s my sounding board for everything I write, everything I read, everything I watch, and everything that gives me big feelings. I genuinely can’t describe how much she has helped me with my writing every single day, so I’ll leave it at this: I could not do it without her. I’d drown in my own struggles and I’d stop creating the art that sustains me. She’s my soulmate—sorry to her fiancé. All of my love goes to her!

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

HAHAHAHAHA it’s cute how you think my writing is anything other than a re-organized and fictionalized version of my life and my feelings. Real life shows up in my writing, and my writing shows up in my real life. It gets crazy and obsessive, but like... I had a trip to Israel booked this year (obviously canceled due to the pandemic, but still) because Ziva comes from Israel. (Also because of my Jewish adoration for the spiritual homeland, but the thought of going and the trip planning all started with Ziva.) I went to Baltimore so I could run down an alley yelling “YOU CAN’T OUTRUN ME, I’M WEARING TUBE SOCKS!” to encourage my inner Tony DiNozzo. I nearly froze to death in Washington, D.C. and called my mom every time I saw a little red mini coop that looked like Ziva’s, or came across a place that was featured in an NCIS scene.

And to answer the actual question here, because I obviously flipped it around like the moron I am... when the pandemic canceled things I was desperately looking forward to, I wrote a fic where Tali’s excitedly anticipated dance recital got canceled because of the pandemic. I lost my appendix (last year, but the fic was written this year — does that count?) and wrote a fic where Tali loses hers, too. (I swear, I don’t always write things that torture Tali, lol, these are just my best examples!) When I lost a couple of loved ones this year, I wrote a funeral scene where Tony and Tali remembered Ziva. Writing is definitely free therapy, y’all.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write for yourself—write what you love, and you’ll love what you write. That’s all. That’s it. That’s my advice, something I’ve learned this year.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’ve been working on We Are an Ocean for roughly a year now, and 2021 needs to see it finished. I’ve got a number of lovely, dedicated readers who deserve to see the story play out as it’s intended to be played out.

Also, my greatest love right now, In Possibility, will probably write itself to an end in 2021. Or... who knows? Maybe it will worm its way into 2022, too. :-)

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Since I already went into detail about my favorite fic of mine from this year (That We May Forgive), I’ll recommend a different one: The Stars Always Make Me Laugh. It has some of the darkest moments I’ve ever written, but it also has some of the lightest moments I’ve ever written. It was an answer to two different challenges, and if I can say this without sounding arrogant, I think I met the challenges beautifully. It gave me comfort, catharsis, and closure for a few things in my own life... and I hope it comforts my readers, too.

15. Year word count:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT (excuse my French). I just added up my AO3 word count + my current unpublished project, and... my word count is:

428,557.

FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN WORDS

I nearly just fell out of my chair. Goodbye, friends. I am deceased.

#wow wow wow #i'm so sorry for the aggressive feelings here #did not mean to get that effin detailed about my life #but i can't help that my emotions are wildly fluctuating as I fight so many health issues at once #anyway #still on hiatus but #this questionnaire thing soothed my soul #and i enjoyed doing it #thanks for the tag sof!#love you all #about cynthia #personal

6 notes · View notes