#it sucks that i have to say this is a disorder and for me it has nothing to do with other bodies my destruction is for myself only

[crippled-peeper]

UGH as an hEDS haver i am SO sorry. hEDS sucks but it’s not gds most special disorder. I have several rare issues on top of my eds & comorbidities and it’s frustrating when I try to talk about them and it’s all other hEDS havers being like “we don’t need this!” or thinking it’s eds related when it likely isn’t 😭

I hear this is a chronic issue in that community , I try to avoid drama about it, but god is it annoying getting the 3827493th hypermobile motherfucker in my notes saying absurd ableist bullshit and then capping it off with “but I’m just like you so it’s ok for me to say this” like pls stop playing with my Paralysis Products before I Become Unglued

#anonymous

[bpdohwhatajoy]

People really underestimate my ability to fuck off when I feel like my presence isn’t wanted or valued

#ryan.txt #bpd #borderline personality disorder #I used to be awful at this #I’m getting better #wait till I’m at my full potential #to my ‘friend’ who started shit with me when I just cared about her well-being #who ignored me for an entire day #who pretty much only talks about herself #who I can’t even tell that she upsets me bc she always acts in a way that triggers the hell out of me #who can go awhile without talking to me #who after not even saying anything tried to hit me with the heyyyyy #who takes my presence and care for granted #yeah fuck you #and fuck you to my other ‘friend’ too #like don’t even get me started on these two I’m so fucking done #I hardly have any friends anymore and the two I’m closest to suck #good friend era when (it’s never happening for me)

[lpsotd]

honestly if i was savannah i would've smacked sage upside his head in brooke's closet. if he actually liked her he would've asked her about the things brooke said about her??? am i insane or. i personally would've rejected him.

#sage and savannah both equally suck but sage is such a tool. and another word i can't say here #“she called me dumb???” no but she wouldn't have been wrong to say it. #also i'm not forgetting how he shamed brooke AND savannah for having eating disorders. #“you're not doing that starving thing are you? brooke does that ALL the time it's SO annoying” if you don't shut up #i want him to die #lps popular #lps #littlest pet shop #💬.mod chatter #ed mention #< jic

[joyflameball]

Happy disability pride month to anyone with depression. You have a disability too- the constant fatigue, exhaustion, not being able to get out of bed, emptiness, all of that, it's all part of this disability. Just because it's not a physical disability doesn't mean it's not a disability. I know it's easy to feel like it's not, but it is, and you aren't stealing valor by saying that. People don't normally feel exhausted all the time. People don't normally feel unable to get out of bed, or do stuff they love doing.

You're disabled too, you deserve a seat at the table.

#cassie rambles #disability #depression #actually depressed #disability month #this post is mostly for me because. it's hard for me to say i'm disabled even though a) i have adhd b) i have depression #both of which are disabilities #i guess it's because depression is seen as the ''being sad'' disorder #which no the fuck it isn't and if you think that's all it is you don't know shit about it #the way i describe it is. feeling like a weighted blanket #not in a good way either. feeling heavy and tired and unable to move without a lot of effort #easier comparison is feeling like you're weighed down by a bunch of sandbags #and like your mind is slower #it's just. constantly feeling exhausted. all the time #it sucks #mental disability

[anaalnathrakhs]

oh god ed reddit is having the “uwu anorexia isn’t rooted in fatphobia my mental illness is not abt you” talk again please god help me

fatphobia doesn’t mean “being a meanie to fat ppl” i’m begging you to use critical thinking skills for five seconds and apply what you know about literally any other form of oppression to this situation.

people’s point isn’t that you having anorexia makes them feel bad and therefore you’re a bad fatphobic person.

they’re pointing out how the deeply ingrained fatphobia our society upholds, from misconceptions about health to moralization of looks and weight, including yes being jerks to fat ppl’s faces bc they’re fat, is affecting what you think about your own looks, weight, health, body, clothes, eating habits, etc.

the logic isn’t “you became anorexic because you hate fat people so much you never wanted to be fat yourself (and that makes you a bad person)” it’s “fatphobia is a prism that transforms the root cause of your ed into disordered thoughts, behaviors, and patterns (and unlearning fatphobia will help you with recovery and harm-reduction)”

like. it’s not for no reason that anorexia is a disorder that disproportionatedly affects women. it’s not for no reason that there’s sky high comorbidity rates for eds and ocd. it’s not for no reason that people who need control in their lives so badly that they develop a mental disorder abt it get obssessed with being skinny and not with being a sumo. it’s not for no reason that ppl who feel the need to retract to childhood due to trauma envy things like being skinny light and frail, instead of being a tubby baby. it’s not for no reason that there is an incredibly common anorexic thought pattern (internal and self-directed, don’t make me say what i didn’t say) that associaties restriction and weight loss with moral goodness.

for each of these there IS a number of exceptions, but you can see case by case how the root cause (trauma, need for control, for self-destruction, growing up poor, whatever you think is “unrelated to fatphobia” basically) is processed through the prism of the fatphobic culture we’ve all been raised in. some people just, voluntarily or not, deal with those root causes in different way, which might or might not be healthy. but it’s a consequence of ambiant fatphobia that “i should starve and be skinny about it” is a statistically pretty common response to this distress.

the point isn’t “it’s fatphobic that you don’t deal with your neuroses in a body positive way uwu” the point is that no matter how cool you are with fat people on like, a personal level, you’ve been (like the rest of us) bombarded with fatphobic thought patterns your entire life basically, both directly fatphobic things and reactions to this fatphobia. maybe spoken to you directly, maybe not. maybe about you maybe about other people. you live in a society that places moral values into looks and health, and also pushes some deeply rooted falsehoods about how those things tie into each other. you have a disorder defined by obsessive behaviors. maybe, just maybe, deconstructing the logic that those obsessives behaviors are based upon will help you deal with this disorder. and recover or reduce harm.

basically, anorexia isn’t “getting skinny disorder” it’s “obsession disorder”, obsession with looking attractive, or pleasing your family, or going back to being a kid, or being healthy, or being fit, or being driven and capable, or being worth saving, or having your suffering known, or having control over something, or whatever. the fatphobia that is omnipresent (and i repeat, omnipresent, nobody is singling you out as a bad fatphobic meanie, or even talking about your behavior towards other people around you) in our society picks the direction in which many many people will express that disorder.

of course if you live in a society that tells you “being fat is morally bad” at every turn, when you start developping an obssessive pathological need to control things, without another factor weighting in, most people’s default reaction will be anorexia. food is a regular fixture of everybody’s life, everyone wants to be morally good, and even if we know/understand/believe to an extent the flaws of that “fat = bad” logic we know the world around us still believes it, and nobody wants to be treated like shit. we can think it’s stupid and fight against fatphobia and work to treat fat ppl better in our lives and support body positivity, but in any case, one always judges oneself on different metrics than they judge others, cuz we control our self-improvement. that’s natural. just it doesn’t mesh well with a pathologically obssessive need for control above self-preservation.

#ed tw #ana #notprojusttags #proana #ed #last year i got into an argument abt this that was so potent #it caused me to turn all my childhood attempts of having anorexia into actually having purging disorder #out of fucking spite #guess what you dicks from last year i have anorexia now i still think you're wrong #in an act of good faith i'll say i'm ready to admit that maybe it's just that my debating skills suck #maybe i'm just a shitty argumentative writer #maybe i didn't formulate things right and that's why people got the wrong idea #and that's not a maybe i was not considerate enough of causes of anorexia that aren't related to weight directly #like food insecurity as a child and whatnot #however #no matter how bad the delivery might've been #we're not working with a completely different dictionary here #i remember people actively arguing with things i literally said the opposite of #you can't chalk everyone and everything up to that but man some ppl were really not in a state to have this kind of discussion #come back after your omad #broadcasting my misery #discourse #vent #fatphobia #fatphobia tw

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying #shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl #in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated #bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not #her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet #so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive #personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd #compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from #happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is #like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil #not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am #barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me #and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them #but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and #thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard #to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds #nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of #brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but #that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer #defying the stats but for how much longer? #i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it #i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else #excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things #unrelated #ed mention #i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama #bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]

[supercantaloupe]

truly detest how pcos tags/forums/etc are absolutely crawling with terfs

#(okay to rb but stay in your lane) #maybe i just want to look and see if anyone else has experienced what i went through today without seeing someone going like #'you'll never be a REAL woman because you DON'T HAVE OVARIES #and will NEVER understand the TRUE WOMANLY EXPERIENCE of having A VERY DISRUPTIVE AND COMPLEX ENDOCRINE AND METABOLIC DISORDER' #like i think there are more important (read: actual) targets to direct our frustration at here than #[checks notes] getting mad at a trans woman for saying she relates to some of the problems caused/faced by having pcos #like. idk. the fucking medical system and lack of research/treatment options #(also. christ. reducing every person w pcos into the 'woman' category automatically bc 'ovary'. #even though it's literally an intersex condition. yikes.) #also i don't know about y'all but i don't wish this on anyone? regardless of gender?? #i actually don't want trans women to have to experience this in order to be considered a True Woman #because i don't want ANYBODY to have to experience this. it sucks! it's not fucking fun! #i just wanted to try and see if other people have gone through the same thing i have. not expand my blocklist by half a mile tonight. #i wanna talk about me #even though i didn't exactly find what i was looking for (😔) and i had to play fucking whack-a-terf while searching #if there's any bright side to be found it's the number of posts/people affirming pcos as an intersex condition/identity #i saw someone say 'if you don't want the [intersex] umbrella for yourself you don't have to take it #but it's nice to have in the closet for a rainy day' #and. man. yeah.

[amzarashi]

there's this thing where you can't say certain words or phrases or breathe a certain way or touch something for too long or nudge the book that's been collecting dust on your bedside for two years because anything and everything could turn the world against you

i can't sleep at night because my breathing doesn’t feel right and the prayer i said five times in row doesn’t feel right so i have to get up open the door turn the lights on retrace my steps until my feet start aching from how bad i need it all to make sense to fall into place to not hurt the people i care about because guilt makes your heart sink like stone and i still haven't learned how to swim

fox reads me poetry until fox is all i think about until the world isn't so scary and the static in my brain is quiet i tell fox good night i say i love you but it's rarely there so i say it again over and over because repetition speaks things into existence until it piles up on top of each other until i can gather it all in my hand and squish it together like putty and use it to close up everywhere the hurt is leaking through

exposure therapy sucks. it's not that i can't touch door knobs or cross the threshold or have to wash my hands so many times or that i have to click the lock and turn the bathroom lights on and the bedroom lights off and the doorway lights on and the people around me have to say good night with an inflection that tells me i won't die tomorrow because i don't know what my brain wants more often than not

words have so much weight and i haven't told anyone i love them and meant it because i’m scared if i do i will doom them to my fate of picking at nails and skin so i use loopholes like my life depends on them. i say it with breaks in between. the pauses are periods so it's a string of words not a curse set into motion it'd be nice to breathe without having to think about what i can or cannot say

instead i send poetry, i say read the orange by wendy cope listen to 400 lux by lorde it's not a love language because language was made to share love babel was a death sentence there are many words i want to say but can't say but roland barthes says, i've got nothing to say to you but it's to you i want to say this nothing

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #usersari #usermish #gryewaren #userheidi #spilled thoughts #*my writing #obsessive compulsive disorder #actuallyocd #i forgot most of my tags but whatever #this was first posted mid breakdown on my personal instagram and i thought why don't i share it here;// #ocd sucks my guys this will either end me or i end it #my ocd/bpd/cptsd fighting with each other to see who gets to pull the plug on my life #at this point i don't have any fight left in me but i'm trying so hard to hold on #i read a story where the protag had ocd and they couldn't say i/love/you and i then proceeded to cry for five hours #no one ever talks about that you know and i hate that i can say anything to the people i love because i think i bring doom and suffering #posting mid hiatus like a champ uwu

[gxlden-angels]

I'm only in the introduction and the misogyny is overwhelming. "Are you more friendly or totally PMS-ing?" babygirl if you're PMS-ing most of the time that's not a Jesus-less personality trait, you need to get your ass to a doctor

#like sweetie u might just have clinical depression or bipolar disorder at this point #I say that as a person who might have both not in a mean/insulting way #like I no longer have a period but when I did my family would tell me to pray and it would just get better #it did not #in fact it got worse and I ended up in the ER with a ruptured cyst PCOS and endometriosis #I have mixed feelings about christian women because they say shit like this but also someone said this shit to them #the cycle of violence or generational trauma or whatever #I get the terms mixed up sometimes but it sucks ass either way #Soup Spills #Lies Young Women Believe by DeMoss and Gresh

[that-was-anticlimactic]

how about... and hear me out... we stop reducing cole ninjago’s personality to food?

#literally so sick of it like it isn't even funny anymore #and this is at the fandom more than the show right now #like first of all - cole Clearly had an eating disorder and while that probably wasn't intentional on the writers' parts... #i mean. cole Literally started binge eating after watching his friend explode. come on. he was Never like that before s4. #and like he is Clearly at least a little insecure about it but no let's make jokes about how cole eats all the time hahaha #like the amount of times i have clicked out of fics or refused to reblog art solely because all the ninja are doing their thing and then oh #look there's cole eating cake hahaha so silly not like he's a ninja or anything :D #do better #it just infuriates me Especially since it is CANON that cole stress eats (because making fun of stress eating is so funny... show / fandom) #and he's my favorite character and it sucks to see him constantly portrayed as this food obsessed ninja who has no depth aside #from the 'there's not gonna be cake?' throwaway joke from s2 that Clearly only became a reoccuring thing because the fandom flipped out and #became obsessed with it like Yes it was funny but my God y'all have taken it to an entirely different level and the show bounced off of that #not to say that no one should ever draw or write or mention cole with food but if all you draw him with is food or if he's doing something #with food every time you write for him then you should Prolly take a step back and ask yourself why you're doing that and how you're #portraying cole as a character because he CERTAINLY has more depth than 'i love cake and also junk food tehehe protecc' #this has been in my drafts for a month and i just saw something along these lines on insta so i’m angry and posting it lol #ninjago #cole brookstone #cole ninjago

[casiavium]

exhausted the music I like listening to so to pass time at work I've started listening to cast recordings of musicals I liked in high school. Which is fun because I haven't listened to them in a while but also not fun because I have come to the realization of just how much influence stuff like Heathers, Be More Chill, and fucking Hamilton has on my writing to this day

#also. 2010 musicals are weird listening to them again #why do they care sm about high schoolers having sex. why are there so many jokes about being gay and no actual gay people #I miss theater but now that I'm listening to be more chill specifically I'm like wow! this sucks #2010 musicals also liked joking about self harm suicide and eating disorders and I'm seeing some possible sources of why I hated highschool! #it's funny though when a character sings and I'm like damnnn. my link would say that. he has said that. fuck I made Link this character #the worst was listening to Hamilton yesterday and going oohh. that's why Ghirahim sounds like that to me mkay. #now I have to live with the knowledge that every time I've written Ghirahim has been influenced by #by third vice president of the untied states Aaron Burr in some roundabout way #also Hamilton actually is a really good musical. you guys were just mean. and my mom was a little too obsessed with it

[wachi-delectrico]

Gonna get spicy for a second and say that everyone loves spewing hate about narcissistic (NPD) parents and how awful parents with personality disorders are, but if someone were to make a post with the exact same cadence about ADHD parents they'd get shot in public at first sight

#rambling #Lemme clarify and extend my point here (cos I feel ppl could really misinterpret this one) #Am I saying people should just accept the abuse of parents if said parents have a personality disorder? No #Am I saying people with ADHD parents have it worse or that both experiences are comparable and exactly the same? No #What I'm saying is that ppl are much more eager to call out abusive or neglectful behaviour from ppl w personality disorders bc #they're seen as 'scary' or 'monstrous' and inherently evil so they have no qualms going full force at it. They think -pd ppl are the devil #But adhd in ppl's general views could never be the source of such pain from a parent to a child; ADHD ppl are seen as childish #and harmless and clueless and silly and tbh a bit stupid. Besides they could never hurt a 'monster' by jumping the gun at -pd ppl right? #'normal people don't have personality disorders so this can't affect me! But normal people can have adhd!' #That's the core of my complaint: one is dehumanised as a destructive monster; the other is as an innocent victim child #And both (parent w -pd & w adhd) can be pretty bad in their own uniqie ways! But such a thing is never considered - for the #societal construct of the child - that neurodivergencies get pushed into - is of an untainted pure inherently clueless being below human #From my exp and the exp of other friends lemme say: having an adhd parent can suck so much ass! Lol #I grew up with two opposing ideals troubling my mind: my mothers obvious overwhelming love; and the shadow her constant absence cast #She loved me so much and did as much as she could; but constantly forgot about my care and my needs and made rash choices #I think about that more and more as i age; especially as i go to doctors over and over for problems i have had since forever #It is an awful feeling to have sink in your heart: how a parent's love isn't enough; how 'maturing quick' isn't a blessing but a curse #As i grew i stopped telling my mom about my needs my school things and my life bc i got used to her forgetfulness and lack of organisation #It meant irregular eating schedules & inadequate meals. In 5th grade I'd eat table scraps at school cos my mom couldn't remember #how I'd tell her over and over that the food had to be in a specific way or it'd get burnt in the school's oven #I'd go to the 'first' dr appointment to deal w an ongoing problem & then she'd forget to schedule the following ones #You get the idea #Kind of a weird post w a strange framing device but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Smth triggered this thought last night #I'll also never forget a few months ago when i went go a specialist for my hEDS - told her I've known all my life but never got treatment #Also just. The crushing feeling of the dr saying ''you should've gotten your own med team to work ur case since u were young!' #And just. silently nodding & wanting to cry feeling validated but also so hurt looking @ the obvious neglect #Anyways hey how did this therapy session go Doctor

[deicide-doll]

trigger warning. do not read if you dont want to read something triggering.

#my bf is a fucking rapist #i told him i didnt want to have sex again because it was getting late and i have work tomorrow #and he usually takes a long time to finish after round 1 so i didnt want to stay up an extra hour #and he started manipulating me and pleading and saying he loved me and i dont know why i capitulated but #the fact that i said ok after 10 no's? #and i was crying #i was crying while i sucked his dick and while he fucked me #and he told me to struggle more because he found it hot #he thinks rape is hot #and after he joked about being a good manipulator and being able to get me to disregard my boundaries #which is true #but like he knows im an abuse survivor and have trouble with boundaries #the fuckdd up thing is he was the one who taught me to have boundaries #he told me to tell my mom to eat a dick when shes egging on my eating disorder #he told me i didnt have to stick around when my mom was calling me slurs for breaking dishes or failing classes #and here he is being proud that he managed to get through an abuse victims boundaries #he also joked about waking up to the cops at his door #which like shows that deep down inside he knows what he did is wrong #and if i wasnt such a cool girl i could get him into trouble #not like cops here persecute rape anyways but #i pretended to like it after the fact because i still needed him to take me home and i didnt wanna start a fight #but holy shit #idk what to do... #i mean im going to leave him fuck the trip #im shaking i dont even know how ill be able to go to work tomorrow #when this whole thing was over me wanting to get a reasonable amount of sleep on a work night #misiabear rants

[steakout-05]

eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P

additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly

#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it #and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website #as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- #-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- #-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered #also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it #this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- #-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious #i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( #i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles #it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- #-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. #unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- #-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- #-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- #-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' #and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- #-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' #and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point #be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying #and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. #be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo #if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- #-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like #trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you #social anxiety #anxiety disorder #i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- #-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me #anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y

[featherymuffink]

I've been told this looks more like a grandma than Belos lmao

This is from like September I think and I wanted to doodle Belos in a historical dress but uh failed to account for the size of my canvas and also please ignore that I was too lazy to draw anything resembling a background and pasted in a bubble.

#the owl house #toh #belosfanstakeover #toh fanart #belos #toh belos #philip wittebane #emperor belos #damn i wonder how i drew this because i feel like i have no idea. interesting technique tho (i say about something i myself drew not even #a long time ago) #(to be fair my memory sucks and maybe the me that i am is not the me who drew that. aka haha disorders that are structurally #dissociative are one hell of a drug)