#it scared me so much it made me sick that if i was bad i would burn but if i was good i risked a sentence worse than death

[beloved-nyx]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 “𝐁” 𝐈𝐍 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐒 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐃 !

ᝰ.ᐟ Why does it feel like someone’s following your every move?

જ⁀➴ STARRING: 𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐄𝐑 (𝐂𝐀𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐍) 𝐱 𝐆𝐍 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

જ⁀➴ CONTENT: stalking, suggestive, reader is in college, reader is insecure, nothing to bad ??, not proofread (we die like kings), soft yandere (?), nothing graphic, mentions of jealousy and clinginess

જ⁀➴ FORMAT: 1.3k words, full fic

જ⁀➴ AUTHORS NOTE: This is my third time writing yandere ahhh! Anyway, it's been so long since I wrote something!! Um enjoy <33 also damn...reader really going through it.

“There,” You mutter under your breath. “Finished.”

You balance precariously on a wobbly stool, hands parting from a sleek, black camera. A security camera, to be precise. 

You would have never thought of putting a camera in your apartment, not because you were naively dumb, but because you had thought you lived in the safer part of the city. Friendly neighbors always alerted you when suspicious people even lingered next to your doorstep, but also because you were broke. Broke, broke, broke. 

Your rent was taking up more of your money than your groceries were. It had taken weeks of splurging on food to even be able to afford a security camera, much to your disdain. You were living on leftovers, and you were getting sick of week-old Chinese takeout. 

Stepping off the stool, you admire your handiwork, cringing at how gaudy it looked in your minimalistic (or in much harsher words, bare) apartment room. 

Your phone dings softly, and as you pick it up, you grin at the name displayed on your notifications. Caelan. 

Caelan is your crush. Your cheeks seem to grow hotter at even admitting it in your thoughts. You felt like some highschool kid, even using the word “crush.” But Caelan did that to you, you guess. Make you feel childish and absolutely hopeless, and sometimes you wish he knew that. But then again, if he did, you would probably self-destruct on the spot. You were fine with admiring Caelan from afar. 

Heard what happened U ok?

Ahh. That. 

The very reason you put that gaudy camera in your apartment in your first place. 

It had been a month ago, when you first saw the signs of someone breaking into your house. You were doing laundry, a perfectly normal thing to do on a Friday night while your friends were getting drunk and partying at a local club. Some of your underwear was missing, but you had chalked it up to your own clumsiness.

But then you saw the note, and everything changed. Written sloppily, penmanship atrocious. You had thought that the person was just bad at writing-but in hindsight, he must have used his less dominant hand to write it. Biting your cheek, you read it, and you wished you hadn’t. 

It was the most perverse, disgusting thing you had ever read. That night, you couldn’t even sleep, scared that the unknown intruder-stalker would come.

The next day, the stalker sent you pictures of you doing the most mundane things. Sleeping, eating, studying, doing laundry, and even changing.

You immediately called the police on the next day, when a bouquet of roses showed up on your doorstep. The police had said, “We’ll look into it.” 

They never did. 

It led you to ask for help from a friend, and you instantly regretted it. Because the next day, the whole campus learned of your supposed stalker. And even though their sympathetic, “You okay?” made you feel a little bit more safer, a little more secure in your tiny world, it still made you embarrassed, scared too. 

You type in a quick, I'm fine! And then wonder if you should put an emoji after that. After spending an embarrassingly long minute of deciding if you should, you just send it with no emoji. 

That’s good.  If you need anything just call me.

…

A few days pass by, and still no stalker appears on the camera footage. At first, you’re elated. But then another few days pass, and you feel silly. Maybe there was no stalker, maybe you were being overdramatic-but even then, those pictures? The note? You shiver. You hear a knock on the door, and turn to the noise, a small hum escaping your lips.

Must be the delivery man. You had ordered some new textbooks for college. You walk towards the door, and twist the knob. 

Caelan smiles, pale fingers holding a bouquet of roses. He wears a black turtleneck, gray pants and a black dress coat. You, on the other hand, were wearing your pajamas. 

If you could melt in a puddle, you would have. You wished you were buried in a pit. You wanted to be flung into space. Your cheeks were burning hot. You must look like a mess. Is it too late to be flung into space? 

“C-Caelan. What brings you…uh, here?” You cringe at your words. 

“For you, of course.” He laughs, taking a rose from the bouquet and putting it behind your ear. “I just wanted to check up on you. I hope I wasn’t intruding on anything, like your beauty sleep,” He muses, eyes wandering towards your pajamas. 

You never wanted to turn into a puddle so badly. 

“Hah-no, I just woke up!” You lie, ignoring the way he cocks his head to the side skeptically. Ignoring the fact that it's three p.m. 

“You should’ve called…I would’ve,” You gesture towards your clothes, “y’know, prepared.” 

“Oh shit!” His eyebrows furrow, a hand yanking at a loose black strand of hair that escaped his braid. “I’m sorry, I was just so worried–”

“No, no it’s fine!” You hate the way you sound-so, so desperate. “Um, do you want to come inside? I’ll go change and then we can talk.” 

You lead him inside, ignoring the fact of how oddly happy he is to be inside your home. 

…

After Caelan and you became official, he started to change. Slowly, like how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. 

He became more clingy, and at first you thought it cute. You loved the way he doted on you, liked how he curled up into you in the mornings when he stayed at your home (more often than not) and begged you to stay in bed for just a few minutes. 

But he also became more jealous. Whenever you were next to someone, he always hovered close by, a suffocating presence that almost drowned you. Always insisted on going wherever you went. 

You sit on the couch, nestled closely next to Caelan. He hums softly, hands nestled under your shirt as you watch some shitty rom-com. A masterpiece. You called it. Caelan had raised a brow at that, but didn’t say anything except for a snort. You had elbowed him in the stomach after he jokingly (?) insulted one of your favorite moments. 

“‘m gonna get some water,” he mumbles, hands retracting from your body and making you feel cold. You whine at the sudden coldness, complaining about how you might die of hypothermia if he doesn’t come back soon. He scoffs at that, planting a kiss on your temple as he walks into the kitchen. 

And leaves his phone. 

You pick it up, grinning. Your intent was clear. Take a silly photo of yourself and make it his wallpaper. A perfect, opportune moment. 

You open the camera app, successfully taking a horridly candid shot of yourself, before curiosity takes a hold of you. You open the photo app, scrolling through his photos. Most of it was just pictures of landscapes, before you stop. 

A picture of you sleeping, drool leaking from your mouth. 

You stop, before groaning. Did you really look like that when you slept? You scrolled some more, before stopping again. Blood running cold. 

Was that a picture of you changing?

You frantically scroll through more photos, and with horror realize that most resemble the photos that your stalker took. You would never forget how disgusting you felt, at how you felt like your privacy had been breached. 

You choke down a scream, eyes wide and hands shaking. 

And then you feel something-a hand, on your shoulder. Tight enough to bruise, and tight enough to secure you in place. 

“Oh.” A single word escapes Caelan’s lips, and you turn. You can see your own, frantic expression in his black eyes. Black eyes that you thought were beautiful. 

“So you saw them, hmm.” It wasn’t stated as a question. No, it was a statement. A fact, indisputable. The most horrible part was that he wasn’t even trying to deny them. 

“Well, isn’t this cute?”

©beloved-nyx. do not repost, plagiarize, translate, or adapt my work/theme without prior permission and or confirmation.

#❛❛𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒.𝐎𝐅.𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐋.𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄—ִ ࣪𖤐₊ ⊹❞ #yandere #yandere oc #yandere x reader #Yandere x you #yandere x y/n #yandere x darling #Male yandere #yandere oc x y/n #yandere oc x you #yandere oc x reader #male yandere x reader #male yandere x you #male yandere x y/n #yandere drabble #yandere imagines #yandere male #soft yandere #yandere x gn reader

[landososcar]

so high school ; JB5

pairing(s) ; jude bellingham x singer!reader , jude bellingham x student!reader

summary ; twitters favourite new(ish) artist drops her new album right during her school year.

warnings ; nothinggggg & mainly just fluff bc i love happy people

note ; SORRY ITS SHORT AHHAHA, i’ll post a new lando fic soon i just have no inspiration… ignore any dates that are wrong or don’t match - im lazy. also this is VERYYYY LOOSLY based off so high school lol (it’s mainly the aristotle line)

instagram !

liked by judebellingham, taylorswift, and others

youruser surprise !!!!! as an end of term present (for myself🤭🥳) and in honour of knowing the loml for 15 years, here’s 15 new songs for you guys to (hopefully) enjoy 😊 noah, thank you for trusting me and letting me join you on what might be one of my favourite songs ever!! i loveeee youuuu. && to my jude<3 thank you for inspiring me every single day of our lives. i love you bigger than the whole sky 🩵🩵 (guys he’s actually v v talented and he helped me write scared of my guitar, hard to sleep, and feels like) j, you are my safe place and these songs — especially the ones i haven’t let you hear yet — are for you.

ps guys idk how to only write happy songs but jude is the only one who makes me feel safe enough to express my emotions through my songs 😁 i looooovvveee him and am NOT 🙅‍♀️ breaking up with him. he is stuck with me forever💞

‘the alchemy’ is YOURS tonight at midnight 💓

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user1 WHAT

user2 YOU CANT JUST DROP THIS ON US WTF

oliviarodrigo my girl💞💞 i’m so so soooo excited😭

user3 GIRL I KNOW YOU DIDNT JUST CALL THE ALBUM ‘the alchemy’ FOR NO REASON. WHERE TF IS THE TITLE TRACK I KNOW YOUVE GOT HER SOMEWHERE

youruser jude and i love the alchemy the most out of all the songs and wanna keep her just ours for a little bit longer but maybe if you guys enjoy these songs i’ll let you have my baby

user4 YNAJDKJSKDKDIS

user5 WHATTTT songs did she not let jude hear omfg i need to know

youruser he’s heard them all except for daylight, paper rings & so high school lollll

judebellingham refreshing my spotify every minute til midnight you guys don’t understand she’s kept these songs in a VAULT

user6 jude i know you love spotify but apple music get new music 10 minutes early xxx

judebellingham just made an apple music account

user7 TEN MINS TIL THE ALBUM OF THE YEAR DROPS

taylorswift so so proud of you beautiful 🩷🩷

judebellingham I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

judebellingham putting ALLLL of these on the pre-game playlist

youruser babe idk if some of these will pump you up before a game

judebellingham hearing your voice will pump me up idc how sad the song is xx

user8 why’s no one talking about how she’s in UNIVERSITY and dropped a FIFTEEN song album like …??? she’s INSANE. WHERE did she find the TIMEEE

user9 not to mention she lives with him in madrid and does school online coz her uni is in the uk

user10 she’s insane i don’t understand how😭😭

imessages !

instagram !

youruser just posted to their close friends story.

twitter !

instagram !

liked by judebellingham, trentarnold66, and others

youruser surprised my fav person in the uk for his england game and he scored for me 😆🩵🩵

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user1 she wrote “you know how to ball” and he said “yeah” then scored a goal and did a celebration for her😭

user2 zoom in on pic 6 and you’ll see me laying on the road waiting to be run over

judbellingham ‘unemployed girlfriend’ but you’re the greatest singer on earth while also doing online uni full time and you still make time to be able to come see me

youruser it’s coz i love you so so bad

jobebellingham you make me sick

youruser i love u too jobeyyyyyy

england our favourite visitor💙💙

user3 how does she do all this whilst going to uni😭😭😭

oliviarodrigo 💖💖💖

judebellingham I LOVVVEEEE YOUUUUU

user4 i NEED the top in pic 8 where is it from

youruser i found it on depop and HAD to buy it😭😭 i think someone made it x

chappellroan HOTTTTT (you not ur bf)

youruser I WOULD DIE FOR YOU MY WIFE💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

user5 i don’t understand how you write sad songs like the ones on your album if ur ‘in love with jude’

user6 jude deserves better than someone who’s so caught up on and still writes songs about her exes

user7 WHYS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS SHE POSTED ON TWITTER IM GOJNG INSANE

user8 LITERALLY?/!;!!/;@:8@ LIKE ??????? “WHERES THE TROPHY? HE JUST COMES RUNNING OVER TO ME” IS SO JUDE CODED WHEN Y/N IS AT LITERALLY ANY OF HIS GAMES

user7 EXACTLYYYYY HE ALWAYSSS RUNS TO HER IMMEDIATELY AFTER HES ALLOWED TO DO HIS OWN THING. ITS FUCKING ADORABLE

user8 IM SO GLAD SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME

user7 were both insane let’s get married

user8 dm me right now wife

youruser liked the comments in this thread

imessages !

instagram !

liked by taylorswift, jobebellingham, and others

youruser lol little life update coz i’ve been m.i.a. for the last almost two months. 1: i went blonde again. 2: my man still as fine as ever. 3: got engaged or whatever lol. 4: slaying up exams. 5: i miss tour so i decided imma come back and see you all soon 🤭🤭 tour dates soon <3

ps in honour of becoming fiance or whatever🤗 the alchemy and 4 other songs are yours on the deluxe version of ‘the alchemy’ ,, out tonight !!!

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user1 WHAT THE FUCK

user2 GIRL LET US BREATHE

harrykane juudddeeeeee!!! congrats🥳❤️

declanrice mr bellingham that is a ROCK

user3 SHE DISAPPEARED FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN CAME BACK AND DROPPED ALL OF RHAT ON HS

gracieabrams OMG WIFE IS GONNA BE A WIFE

user4 BLONDE YN IS BACK AND SHES A FIANCÉ OH MY GOD

judebellingham WIFE WIFE WIFE‼️‼️‼️

youruser not yet my love but so close🥰

judebellingham I CANT HEAR YOU MY WIFE IS AN ACADEMIC AND LYRICAL GENIUS

user5 she’s still writing break up and sad songs whilst engaged… so weird

user6 yeah and jude helps her,, he must be so disgusted right? seriously get a life and go touch grass

taylorswift so so happy for you 💓💓

youruser 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 i love you

user7 TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR

england juddeeeeee💙 sooo happy for you two

trentarnold ❤️❤️❤️

user8 how girl just gonna casually drop a ENGAGEMENT announcement in the middle of a photo dump

user9 REALLLL LIKE THATS A BIG ASS RING TOO

noahkahanmusic YESSSSS🤍🤍🤍🤍

user10 HOWWWW is miss girl gonna find time in her schedule to do uni, make music, keep a healthy relationship, AND TOUR

judebellingham mrs*

#Spotify #jude #jude bellingham #bellingham #jb5 #la liga #real madrid #england #nessa barrett #taylor swift #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham fluff #jude bellingham one shot #jude bellingham smash #smau #fluff #fanfic #jude bellingham x yn #bellingham fluff

[moonlit-orchid]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[sneezes-and-stuff]

Just tested positive for you know what and I feel so bad, but also I'm so so scared and my mental health took a sudden nosedive.

I can't go through the shit that happened last time I won't survive it again, please please don't let it be like that this time please.

#covid m #covid tw #last time i was sick for 6 months and barely survived #still my drs wont prescribe paxlovid for me #desperately trying to get my hands on it but its not looking good #and i just had a big breakdown #screaming crying so hard #which made me feel so much worse #finally my sos anxiety meds are starting to help #showered and ate and doing a little bit better #but im still so scared #don't know how to survive this #sorry for venting #but i just need to rn. #things are bad

[crippledanarchy]

It's officially been a week since surgery and I did not anticipate the euphoria to be so immediate or last this long but long story short, it feels so fucking good

#surprising no one i did not realize how intense my reproductive system dysphoria was #that ever present crushing weight? gone #that deeply ingrained fear of having my body weaponized against me without my say #they taught me that Mary was highly favored so god stole her body and called it a gift #it scared me so much it made me sick that if i was bad i would burn but if i was good i risked a sentence worse than death #now my body is mine alone and no one can ever change that #my body is not a temple it is my home #bex talks to themself

[lazarus---rising]

love (hate) when im Thinking about my childhhod and im like "yeah it was pretty normal and good ithink" and then i fuckingg Rember

#like oh that one wasnt very good ! #personal #<- ish #<- but boy are these tags about to be #this is about the time i didnt respond to my dad's text when i was in the middle of a highschool tour with my sibling #(<- they came with cause why the hell not) #and on the drive back home he went on this rant about how we dont know what money's worth (completely unrelated !) #and he literally told us To Our Faces that it wouldve been better if we werent born ! like sir whose fault is that one !! #and theres definitely more but for once im thankful for my head blocking shit out of my memories #and how hed yell at me for making Basic Fucking MIstakes (once when i was EIGHT i spilt water down the stairs and #he yelled at me for .i forgot how long but too fukcing long #and made me get him to bring my cups downstairs for a month after and then he forgot and yelled at me AGAIN #for asking him to bring my cup down AFTER TELLING ME I HAD TO #and so so much more like . the yelling got so bad that when i twisted my ankle #(only real ones remember) #i was scared of telling him cause i KNEW he'd be like 'do you have any clue how much the doctor's gonna cost blah blah' #and i just . didnt tell him #we used to have money issues and he'd always make me feel like shit for asking for anything that costed money ever #so i just didnt tell him when i was sick or injured or when i needed something cause he would get mad at ME like . hello #AnyWay ! so yeah thats the rundown of some of my severe trauma that still affects me to this day

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #living with cptsd #cptsd vent #complex ptsd #diet culture trauma #monsters inside me #toxic health culture #ex vegitarian/vegan #emotional flashbacks #health documentaries #dark side of veganism #i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not #-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years- #-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the #-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say. #I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks- #-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's- #-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am- #-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this. #(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you) #tw food talk #tw diet culture #tw vent in tags #(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much) #(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me- #-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an- #-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.- #-therapist W)

[just-rogi]

.

#like I’m sorry #I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me #and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard #and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles #but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way #and has never worried about money as a kid #and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course #but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book #like she did everything she can to understand and relate #but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone #because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am #and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping #I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind #but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child #that are impacting by daily life and interactions #and like I feel so fucking alone #and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING #I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops #I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd #especially not therapists of color #I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months #and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me #like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having #flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking #and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me #because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before #like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very #upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis #and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it?? #I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary

[seonghwasblr-moved]

Goodnight friends aka moots I’ve probably never talked to! Remember you are loved and beautiful and the world is a better place with you in it! ♡

#maja talks #goodnight friends #todays tmi is I went to the doctor to get my wound cleaned #and (don't read the following if you are screamish!!!!!!!!) apparently it's deeper than the nurse at the surgeon said #like she said it's like 0.5cm deep but the nurse at my normal doctor said it's 1.5cm deep so... #she took at picture and showed me and it's really weird to think about how I have a literal hole at the back of my neck lol #and there's a little cloth in the wound that I will have to remove tomorrow and it's lowkey really scary? #I'm going to try to do it myself but if I can't (if I can't see it or if it makes me feel sick to my stomach lol) my friends #promised to help remove it #get you friends who don't mind touching your deep wound for you if it's in a place you kind of can't see it easily lol #keep me in your thoughts cause even the thought of doing it makes me uncomfy otl #but it has to be done so... also I'm scared it'll hurt otl #yesterday when I got the wound cleaned at the surgeon place it was the worst pain I've ever experienced #like it was literally awful and it made me feel sick #it wasn't as bad today cause the nurse today was way more gentle #hoping the water won't hurt too much tomorrow #okay I've rambled enough GOODNIGHT #tw wound #also I'm seeing my friends tomorrow and I'm really excited about it

[transphilza]

i’m just now realizing how much of my comfort tag and my comfort playlists are techno

#vent in tags #and like clockwork i feel sick again #i feel really afraid. scrolling through it. i feel really afraid that these things that brought me so much comfort will turn into something- #-that makes me really sad. i feel really scared of the fact that nothing will ever be the same again #that’s just grief #watching his videos tonight helped me realize that maybe it doesn’t have to be like that #cause yeah i kept on crying but he also made me laugh and he made me smile even though i was sad #just like he always does #i just don’t want to let go #so many days when i was tired or anxious and so i watched his streams. i’m just really upset that my grief might be so overwhelming that- #-i’m never able to do that again. it’s hard enough trying to reconcile that there’s nothing left for me to wait for #it’s a whole other thing thinking about how this will change how i see him and how i talk about him #it’s a whole other thing trying to switch to typing in the past tense without feeling like throwing up #i miss him so bad #i miss him so so bad #and the last time i had to grieve it was just as horrible. worse cause it was personal #and the only thing i learned from the last time i had to grieve was that grief never ever gets any easier it never gets better #it never stops hurting not for a second you just have to learn to work around it. you just have to pretend like it isn’t there #making a void out of you #i’m still not over that and i never will be and i didn’t want to have to grieve again so soon #it doesn’t feel very different #the first time it was personal and this time it’s a content creator but it doesn’t really feel very different #it’s all the same void #i appreciate you all being here. i am sharing how i feel because maybe someone will feel less alone when they read this #and it’s easier to write it out than to speak it #don’t worry too much about me i will take the breaks i need and i’m trying to take care of myself #i don’t know how older people who have seen so much death can survive #i don’t understand how you can live with this void #i didn’t understand it the first time and i don’t understand it now. i don’t understand how i’m meant to cope with this over and over again #how is anybody meant to deal with something like this

[jeezypetes]

Ahhhh the job I thought i didn’t get bc they never got back to me after my interview (which I thought went really well) just reached out to me bc apparently the person they tried to hire backed out.,.. and now its gonna be like another month of wondering if I’m gonna have to decide if I want to move to another state where I don’t know anyone. And i was kind of relieved when i never heard back bc I’m really happy here with my family and gf and friends but the fact is my job here is a contract with very slim hopes of developing into a real job with benefits and i live with my parents bc i love them and our house and our town but i know i have to seriously consider this opportunity bc it would be a good career move and i want to live a rich and interesting life. But I don’t want to talk about it with anyone irl because my dad has covid which has been my number 1 fear since the start of the pandemic (he’s 71 and immunocompromised but he’s doing well and not needed the hospital) and I just want to be able to only worry about that I can’t even talk about the job thing which i drove myself and everyone around me crazy with already back in October. Which is why I’m just posting it vjfdhk I’m being tormented by forces beyond my control i feel like this is the sort of thing it would be really helpful to believe in God about

#like people who say He has a plan which i guess is comforting but his plans are so inscrutable they may as well be random. but some people #think he wants the best for us??? which seems so unlikely to me I can’t even try to believe it #anyways i think my dad willbe fine but I’m worried about long term health issues which would make it really really hard to move away bc my #mom is already basically disabled. and i want the house I want it so bad but I can’t afford to buy it from them bc our neighborhood has #gotten sooo much more expensive then it was when they moved here in the 80s and i know they’re planning on selling it to fund their #retirement. but i love it here so much I want to live here forever and die here but its not realistic and maybe it would be easier if i #moved away and put down roots somewhere else and then it will be less painful when they sell the house and less painful when they die #i just want things ro stay likethis forever I’ve #spent so much time these past few years walking around this neighborhood its like the veins in my arms i can live other places i have for #years but they never get this deep im so scared for the futuy #future but there’s absolutely nothing i can do to stop it. except kill myself i guess but it’s #not nearly at that point yet ckgdf it would make a lot of people very upset. it is sort of comforting to remember though i have that option. #god i hope they don’t offer me the job I’m a wreck just thinking about it #i really haven’t made any special efforts to reach out to them or anything. obv I wasn’t their first choice i have no idea if I’m their #second. i think they really liked me but I’m guessing im younger and less experienced than other candidates #hi if ur reading this btw its me a stranger on the internet and you know something my closest friends and family don’t know. congrats #I’ll talk to someone in a few days when my dad is feeling better. really hope my mom doesn’t get sick too she’s been coughing a bit but #testing negative. idc if i get covid i actually hope i get it bc that will prove I didn’t give it to my dad asymptotically #that’s not a secret i toldmy mom she was like jesus Christ don’t think like that

[staryarn]

,

#vent tw #vent #i hate this #i hate how strong i have ti be for my health #how much longer do i have to got through this pain #every day is an actual hell to go through #it hurts it hurts so much #i have to just hold on until my next appointment #but its taking so much out of me just to go one with my day #im so tired of dealing with myself of dealing with people #it hurts my body my brain it all hurts so much #im so scared all the time because of my health and i have to pretend like im not to move on with my day #i dont bring my health up with others because i dont want to be negative and i just power through to meet their expectations #but god im starting to reach ny limits of crashing and burning bc of my health its bad #not hospital bad but disable my daily life so i cant do anything at all but barely exist in bed bad #its hard to even focus on a game or social media with how my health is #but i have to power through and just stay strong until my next appointment. I made it this far i can make it to the 28th #im trying to get as much done as i can becaus I hate feeling useless and I KNOW its bad but whats worse is my guilt if i dont do it #its so hard to eat w/o getting sick immediately its so hard to think without my brain hurting its literal hell for me rn #but i really try not to talk abt it bc i hate being a fucking downer or being the center of attention despite the fact that its important

[marcvscicero]

.

(just a very long rant, feel 100% free to ignore, it’s just to vent somewhere, could’ve ranted even more but apparently 30 tags is the limit whoops 🤭🤭)

#life is so bad lately i feel like i’ve tried absolutely everything and things never improve they just get worse somehow #it’s like i think things can’t get any worse and then somehow they do #and they do so even as i’m putting in so much effort to try and improve the already bad things #🧍‍♂️ i just ?? what do i do now ?? when i’ve tried everything ?? #like i’m being soooo genuinely when i say tht dying feels like the only thing left but like. i don’t even WANT to die. it just feels like #the only road left to take 🧍‍♂️ and ik that’s fucked up but honestly there is nothing left for me lol 🧍‍♂️ #and to make things worse i actually think that the few ppl i have in my life r becoming just as sick of me as i am of myself #which rly scares me bc the only reason i have to stay alive is the ppl in my life and my pets that is it #but i just can’t fake it like i used to like i used to be soooo good at hiding things #but now things have gotten so bad that i can’t hide them bc they are actively ruining my life and making me do things or not do things that #other ppl can see #so even though i tell ppl i’m fine they just don’t believe it and like yeah fairs bc it’s very obvious i’m not #it’s also incredibly embarrassing like i’m 25 this month and i live at home and all my irl friends have moved away and got big girl jobs and #are doing things with their lives so i haven’t even seen a single friend in months and months like i think the last time i saw a friend was #halloween… halloween!!!!! aka october last year!!!!! #and i only work one day a week bc i left my old proper job bc i thought i was going to kill myself and kept taking more and more time off #so i’m very poor and i’m very much in debt and i can’t pay it off bc i spend so much money self medicating bc i’m convinced there’s somethin #seriously seriously wrong with my body and i’m always in pain or extreme nausea but the doctors have ignored me so many times and just shut #me down or made me feel stupid or said everything looks fine when i know it isn’t #and i’m also 99% convinced i’ve got quite severe autism and the doctor basically confirmed it lol but she said that on the nhs the current #waiting list is about 4-5 years so i may as well turn to the internet and do research myself since even if u get an official diagnosis #there’s no meds or real cure for it other than learning how to cope #except im also convinced that with the autism i have a lot of strong adhd traits so like. i know it’s bad but i buy adhd meds online and i #don’t even abuse them i take them to literally help me like they’re meant to but bc it’s obvs not allowed it’s so expensive #and i already have no fuckingn money so every single month is hell bc i’m either rationing them to make them last longer #OR i’m taking them but with the knowledge that it means i’ll run out sooner and have more days with NONE #and every day is just full of immense guilt too for doing this bc it’s not technically allowed and i should be doing better things with what #i do pay my mum some money each month towards housekeeping/bills/etc but it isn’t much at all and i know she deserves more #also i either sleep 0 hours a night or 20 there’s no balance and it’s fucking ridiculous i’ve tried EVERYTHING to no avail #i

[max-fewtrell]

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#i‘m not having a good time tbh #this has got to be the worst year of my life and we’re not even two weeks in #i basically was sick on nye so that must’ve been a bad omen #my cat has been suffering from pancreatitis for weeks now #he‘s been better for a few days but he’s starting to get worse again and I’m so scared😭😭😭 #he’s 15 and I’m not sure how much of this he can take #also one of my clients owes me more than 4000$ and apparently payment has failed lmao wow #another big client has been radio silent for weeks and I’m not sure I’ll get any more work from them #my tv broke a couple of days ago and i really can’t afford a new one rn with vet bills and taxes and rising health insurance costs #also my tax consultant made a mistake and now I’m probably getting audited #could life possibly get any worse #what did i do to deserve this lmao help #rant over #personal

[willowfey]

genuine question does anyone have any tips on how to manage prolonged constant extreme anxiety? like the kind where u have to always stay distracted bc any second alone with ur thoughts will send u into a nauseous pit. the kind that makes it so u never get a restful sleep and u never have an appetite and ur hands are always shaking and ur muscles are painfully tense. anyone know uh…… what i can do about that

(i don’t have insurance atm and my medical anxiety is far too high to get anything prescribed atm so i need things that i can do on my own other than breathing and i’m sick of reading articles)

#it feels like it did when my mom was sick and i couldn’t think about anything else for months #except my mom ISN’T sick anymore. so there’s no one reason i can point to #it’s just always there. my stomach hurts my jaw hurts my body hurts #i can do things to stay distracted but when the night rolls back around i feel like i’m trapped in a haunted house #i’m just so tired i wanna cry about it. i want to relax so bad. i want to feel okay and safe and rested SO FUCKING BAD #i didn’t used to be like this i hatehatehate it i don’t wanna be like this or feel like this anymore #not to mention my sister has such high anxiety rn too that even if i’m distracting my own brain she can pull me back into it with hers #how do i exist without being endlessly terrified of everything that could happen to anyone at any time? #without the constant painful awareness of every tick of every second passing by? #im like this close to a meltdown at all times. i’d rather be apathetic than this it’s breaking my bones #i’m physically safe in that i want to remind anyone reading this that i have never been yk. suicidal or anything it’s not like that at all. #i want to be here i’m just SCARED sgajshsnd i’m just shaky and tired and tense and aaaaaaaaa #i need help. idek what that means i just need someone else to tell me it’s gonna be okay #(@ the friends that DO tell me that every day. i love u so much i appreciate u so much. i wish my body would remember it) #i put my feet in grass today and touched a tree and made tea and cleaned the house and it helped a little. it did. #but i just feel like everything takes this constant conscious effort and it’s soooo tiringgggggg i just want to rest #i want to let someone else control my brain for a while #sigh #okay i’m done i just needed to scream about it for a moment #there are places to go and things to paint and songs to listen to #i will keep going. even scared. i just wish i were less scared.

[whimsyprinx]

it’s actually funny how I can never actually be happy because all the things that make people happy put me on edge, including being happy

#whimsy whispers #I want to be loved but I’ll never believe people love me and panic when people do love me #niceness and kindness freaks me out because it doesn’t feel genuine or it feels like it’s because there’s a condition or something to be #owed in exchange #happiness itself scares me because I’m so used to any happiness I feel being short lived and almost immediately ruined #I can’t even be hopeful anymore because being hopeful only leads to your hopes being crushed #and there’s only so much of that you can deal with before you give up #I’m so a stupid broken person and I don’t know how to fix myself idk how to like function or live #life doesn’t feel worth living when you’ll never truly be happy #and the way everything is I don’t think I’ll ever be happy #outside of my own problems the world is so scary and like bad and doesn’t welcome happiness #made it four days without crying and falling into the pits of despair besties #it’s fine I’m in the room alone so I can cry as much as I want without being a bother to anyone #besties idk what even made me sad today #i think it is just that i ran out of stuff to do and the thoughts caught me off guard #cause I slept then I was too sick to like have thoughts then I made an iced coffee to replace human emotions and meals and started drawing #then I watched a kid for an hour or so then drew some more and then finished drawing and then there wasn’t anything else to do and I DIED #aka