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#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book
just-rogi
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1 month
Text
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#like I’m sorry
#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me
#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard
#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles
#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way
#and has never worried about money as a kid
#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course
#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book
#like she did everything she can to understand and relate
#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone
#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am
#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping
#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind
#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child
#that are impacting by daily life and interactions
#and like I feel so fucking alone
#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING
#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops
#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd
#especially not therapists of color
#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months
#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me
#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having
#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking
#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me
#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before
#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very
#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis
#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??
#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
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