#in my head would just make me cry a lot

[hauntedpearl]

the trap is like. okay i have love for it bc i am in an abusive relationship with the cw show supernatural and it has rotted my brain to the point where i settle for scraps but BUT the way it could've been crazyinsanegood was if dean did a hamilton-esque apology instead of saying he forgives cas. like yes cas craves forgiveness in that moment but also. like. there is no reason for him to actually be. like. forgiven. everyone lost in moriah. and then AFTER that dean was just lashing out. which the og script fleshed out the apology soooo much better like getting to the root of their fight and dean admitting that he blamed cas because he just needed someone to blame and not because cas did anything wrong. but also. imagine "if i could save his life — if i could trade his life for mine, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough." like it would never happen BUT IF IT HAD. IF ON GOD ROBERT BERENS MY MORTAL FRENEMY DID THIS FOR ME??? i would've won. i would've had EVERYTHING !!!!

#the problem with deanjack is that they are father and son and they are bad at being father and son and also their closeness is like. #dependent on who is writing them #if EYE was in that writing room i would make them gokd father and son breaking the cycle of violence in the perpetuating cycle of violence #show #but my naive ass is not there sadly #anyway god hates me so i don't see more OBVIOUS dean giving jack importance scenes on the show #like i think the dean in my head is like. fully just his good father who committed atrocities but is willing to do a 180 about them #but in canon i do hate the way he is with jack like he is soooo mean and for what #also there's this. wall between them. it's verg sad to watch fot me personally. #like they're family but it's always something they SAY and not SHOW and it's like. well. act like it. #that one time he was dying that was good. also the birthday cake #this is lowkey why all readings of dean are valid to me because like. they give us a lot of contradictory shit lmao #anyWAY #IN THE GOOD SPN IN MY HEAD #this would happen and then cas would slap him and then they would hug and cry and be crazyinsanesad together #and sam would solve the plot problems idc #doe is talking again #OMG SPN POST??? ON MY BLOG??? OG POST NOT TWO YEARS OLD??? #just thinking about birthday boy #destiel #dad dean and jack #sorry for Hamilton reference in 2023 that song is just. good okay 😔

[opens-up-4-nobody]

This is my small Lucky Stone collection. Lucky Stones the ear bones (otoliths) of sheephead fish (also known as freshwater drum). Theyre characterized by the "J" or "L" shaped groove in the corner. You find them washed up on the shores of the Great Lakes, these came from Lake Erie.

#the second pic was a pair i stole right out of the carcass of a dried out fish #i just think theyre neat. my mum and i compete to find them when were up on the lakes #she probably has way more than me #i just really like the shape and how they feel and the fact that theyre ear bones #bc that makes them special #like this is a bone that allow this creature to orient itself in space #without it the creature would be lost to vertigo #idk i was spiraling last night bc sometimes everything feels like bullshit and nothing matters then i spend an hour reading about something #weird like otoliths and its like. oh! what a weird little thing. the world is so strange and wonderful it makes me want to cry #and it drags me back from the pits of dispair #there are beautiful things in this world and sometimes they grow in the heads of fish haha #with otoliths you can also cut them in half and use them to age the fish. so theyre bones that orients and keeps a record #anyway just wanted to share my little collection of fish bones #fish #bones #nature #lake erie #you can see a lot of these r pretty old bc theyre all smoothed out and misshapen in comparison to the ones i got right #outta the fish head #idk they just make me happy #i should make one into a bracelet

[transgaysex]

wtf. born this way by lady gaga came out 12 years ago and this is the first time i actually read the lyrics and i feel SO silly but i teared up

#wind howls #though in a way its also like. fair. i didnt speak english 12 years ago #ive been in a weird emotional area lately so ive been really emotional ? and needing to cry but unable to #so the little tears actually like. feel a bit like relief. #i think ive also been suffocating. i want to live so proudly. i want to be flamboyant. i want to make people turn their heads. #but i think most of all i just wish to be myself. i wish my parents would call me my name. i wish i werent afraid 2 use it in front of them #i have to change it legally within these next 3 years at any rate because i want my chosen name on my diploma but like. #its a mix of all that. ive been fearful lately for reasons that are both justified and not. maybe theres some loneliness sprinkled in too #but ive been calling a lot with the homies lately. its been doing me really good. #anyway lady gaga i love u. i was so right to call you my favourite artist when i was 9. youre still up there queen i love u

[copiasblair]

i'm full-on sobbing over copia right now how is everyone else's night going

#sorry i just love him SO MUCH #i know i say that a lot that's like. the whole point of this blog #i know i know i sound like a broken record at this point but. MAN. #i just adore him more than anything loving him just comes so easy to me #he feels like home. more like home than anywhere i've ever been #i'm home when i'm with him #i would give anything anything at all to fall asleep in his arms to lay my head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat #he makes me so happy i don't even know what to do with myself most of the time!! #that's why i'm crying!! because i'm overwhelmed with just the pure love i have for him! #in conclusion: i love my husband so dearly ;w; #what do you have to say doll?

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Mystery bugs in my home and I don't recognize them! I've seen a few around at this point and might make a more formal post about it tomorrow but, mystery bugs below the cut if anyone wants to take a shot at helping me ID them:

Not the best pics but it's got an abdomen with clear markings that make me think either roach or earwig, but photos of the nymphs of either don't seem to be matching up; granted I only looked for maybe 5 minutes and mightve missed something obvious but this guy's not ringing any bells for me

#I'm about to head to bed and have quarantined the perpetrator; i feel a little bad but i dont know what he is yet #I'd feel comfortable letting an earwig or smthn like that hang out but. i have reasonable suspicion hanging around this man #bc the apartment is a little messy and. if he is a roach i may bail and look for another room U_U full respect to them #ive seen lots of pet roaches and they make me quite happy to see but idk if I want them free roaming my house... #especially knowing i can't kill them; last time i killed bugs it was a bunch of ants in the pantry and it took an emotional toll on me 😭 #I'd go the long and intensive route if it means i can keep them all alive but i know a lot of people don't swing that way #in that particular case i figured my roommates would prefer the ants to not be able to come back + the way to the backyard #door I would have taken them out of wasn't easily accessible so. massacre it was U_U #if you wanted to know ANYTHING about the type of person i am know that i physically cannot kill a bug or else I'll start crying #they're literally just little guys they're just existing!!! i can't punish them for just hanging out!!!! anyways #unfortunately small photogenic man may perish in captivity but that may afford better photo ops hmmmmm #i just need the knowledge base before i make any other judgements #you know what. let's put this in some tags actually; i was gonna formally rewrite this but may as well tag while I'm here #bugs #bugblr #insect identification #hoatm rants #I'm not overly concerned but ive seen a number of these inside now and this is the first one that's made its way to my room

[arklay]

.

#tw: animal death #tw: animal illness #woke up sobbing cause it finally kicked in that he’s fucking gone. it’s like. i can’t even describe to anyone how just close i was with him #and loved him like he had the sweetest soul even if he was a little cheeky at times and he had these big eyes that were just full of so much #love and soul and i just spent so much time with him the past ten years it feels so weird that he’s just not here. it feels wrong. like this #is his home this is where he’s supposed to be like why isn’t he here… i was walking down the hallway yesterday and like turned my head at my #mum’s room expecting or looking for him to be on the rug he liked and he wasn’t there and it just gutted me but i was so numb i couldn’t cry #or anything and like my mum came home from being out and it was only our other dog barking by herself and it was so tough to hear like his #barking may have hurt my ears and sent me into sensory overload some times but i miss it i miss him so much. i think even though i knew how #sick he was and that we were going to lose him at some point like i just kept denying it would really happen and now i feel so empty without #him here. he brought so much life to our house and he’s just gone. even in the last few months where you could see his eyes getting cloudy #and his walk more wobbly and just he was so tired he still had these moments of bouncing around and his tail just wagging and idk i can’t #stop thinking about him and i know it’s going to take a while before i stop crying just at the mention of his name considering i still #sometimes do with my old cat who died 7 years ago and i wasn’t even that close with cause he had a lot of things going on in his head and #would attack me a lot like he’s story makes me really sad but like what i mean like i had this really big connection with jazz and so if i’m #still so sensitive thinking about buster then i’m going to hold onto jasper forever i think. he was so special i could talk about him #forever i miss him so much #i’m also like feeling just really hurt over something else that’s like related but not so it’s all kicking me this morning #leah.txt

[coldflasher]

you know what’s a scam? at the end of last year i just severely stopped giving a fuck at work and i was literally spending so much time doing fuck all, messing around on my phone for most of the day only to then edit like 30k in the space of 2-3 hours after lunch, and somehow i got away with it and my quality scores were fine. this year i was like okay this is not cool, i’m gonna make a determined effort to do this properly. so now i actually focus and don’t procrastinate, and yet i’m now consistently underperforming and i’m about to be put on performance review for the second quarter in a row which is... not great

i personally think our scoring system is stupid and needs an overhaul because in spot checks, they take off the same number of points for everything. so if i were to completely fail to edit a sentence and left it in a completely unreadable state, i would only lose one point, but then i also lose a point if i misplace a hyphen. so like. last year i somehow managed to fully miss this massive sentence that ended up making no sense whatsoever, and that was fine, apparently, because i didn’t lose points in other areas, but now i’m about to be put on performance review because i missed a few commas and accidentally used a mixture of single and double speech marks in a quote

the worst part is the way they do checks is so annoying because they just pull two random papers from the past 3 months and you can GUARANTEE they will pull a shit one. you can be on top form for ages and then have one bad day and somehow they always manage to pick the one paper you made mistakes on. i’m aware that they do this on purpose to put the fear of god into you because the idea is obviously that every paper should have no mistakes but let’s be real, that’s not realistic. human error is a thing. everyone makes mistakes. and somehow they have a sixth sense for finding the papers you made those mistakes on.

the problem is that last time i went on performance review, they monitored me for a bit and then did an extra spot check and the papers they pulled that time were basically perfect. one literally had no errors and the other had like. two. so i got a near-perfect score. which probably made me look great, like i’d worked really hard to fix the issue, which to be fair, i did. and they were really happy with that. except this quarter they pulled two more and i got the exact same bad score i got last time. so now it looks like i only started putting in effort when i was being monitored and then just immediately stopped trying again as soon as i wasn’t under review which ISN’T EVEN TRUE. i’m genuinely trying, here. but i’m very aware of how bad this looks and now i’m gonna have to do another one of those awful meetings where they bring up the fact that i’m Underperforming (*already shaking and crying at the mere prospect. once again i am about to get a bad grade in having a job*) and they literally have a senior manager who just. sits in the meeting in silence. watching. and nodding. while some other guy points out all the mistakes i’ve made. because that isn’t unnerving at all

i hate employment, i want to go live in a little hobbit hole and never have to receive another performance review again

#im genuinely just not cut out for this #because like here's the thing: i clearly am capable of getting those scores #but i have not yet figured out a way to do so that doesn't involve me being so stressed and burned out #that i want to put my head through a wall #like sure i can fix all your commas but also i have to spend an hour doing unpaid overtime every day to make up for the time i spent crying #and im not being funny but IT'S COMMAS. IS IT THAT DEEP #like yes ideally i would catch them all. im aware that it's my job to do so and i'm doing my best #but when you have to edit 40k a day every single day for 5 days a week. that's a LOT of work #im starting to realize why we have such a rapid staff turnover actually #i keep thinking that it's me and im the problem and maybe i just can't hack it... but actually #looking at how many people have quit in the year i've worked there #and the fact that someone recently applauded one of my coworkers for her long service and she's literally worked there for 3 years... #maybe. this isn't a sustainable pace for a normal person to keep up with #every now and then i think about trying to get a new job but i don't handle change well #when i made the transfer to this job from my supermarket job i literally had crying meltdowns every day for the whole training period #...are we sensing a theme here? #but i got away with it cos it was all remote so they didnt know that i was handling it so badly #but the thought of getting a new job and having to learn how to do something else is just. awful. genuinely hideous #i guess im just gonna have to deal with being extremely stressed for the entire rest of this year. no matter what i have to do #make sure my next two spot checks are all perfect and hope that i also don't end up succumbing to the urge to eat my laptop #oh yeah anon if you read this im afraid i do not care if i sound like a wanker #im allowed to be a little bit of a bitch about capitalism actually. as a treat #long post for ts

[bo0zey]

thinking abt how i’m already a chronic maladaptive daydreamer w a sensitive sidereal pisces moon in the 8th house and having access to klonopin is like a forcefield of protection for my brain and body it’s only times like these i feel safe enough to come out of hiding and glide around the real world for a little bit before the drugs wear off and i dive back into my other multi universes and try to experience life through them instead except but lately it’s gotten harder and i think it’s because i’ve been so out of touch with reality for so long that i got stuck in this weird state of writer’s purgatory i used to be able to draw so much inspiration for my characters and story plots from the real world but now it’s blanks ……..i need 2 go outside n touch grass or smthing how do i feel connected to myself and the world again i don’t want to but i think that’s the reason why i can’t write anymore as much as i try…i spent >17hrs a day trying to organize 4 different stories at a time my brain is scattered im losing hope and motivation all over again …. alllll over again!!

#also i would like 2 add that pisces + drugs r Not a good combo bc pisces are already prone to escapism #finding out i’ve been a sidereal pisces moon all along rlly changed a lot for me like when i’m actively present in reality my aries moon #she’s like grrrrr emotional rampage chaos like the aries moon sun stereotype??? no bb that ones for the Moon lmao #i hate the term maladaptive daydreaming i feel like everyone uses it like haha im so quirkyy but like #ok listen i’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal if anything their comments just make me want to invalidate my own feelings anymore #i’ve been told i struggle w imposter syndrome i didn’t like when my therapist told me that it didn’t make me feel any more validated #i felt like she was lying to placate me #i wish i could’ve taken up writing in a healthier coping mechanism way but instead i let it take over everything my entire world #i could’ve graduated college w a way better gpa n shit but no i wasted hours writing instead of assignments and still i have nothing to show #maladaptive daydreaming ruined my life i want to cry i can’t believe im saying this when i condisdered it my safe space for so long #my sanctuary my garden of eden what have i done i feel like i just ate fruit from the tree of knowledge and now i see i realize i was never #i was never safe anywhere . my stories entrapped me i lost all my friends bc i liked the ones in my head so much better #now i’m alone and lost and stuck between 2 worlds i can’t believe how i used to write 30 diff works in progress at one point i had ideas #now i’m stuck in a cycle of recycling new and old ideas there’s nothing new i get lost and confused i’ve entangled myself in this web #this story web!! haha lol #idk what im saying im going to shut up now my brains foggy #i have an idea but it’s not appropriate for tumblr so im gonna write it down in my dumb journal #ramblings

[astrxealis]

sometimes i think of scenarios in my head with my ocs and then sometimes for happy brain i kinda crossover them with my favorite medias atm and also insert myself in bcs i like being self-indulgent and yeah my brain is so fucked up that i just keep repeating the same first bits and can't get far in thinking and i end up just having my s/i ramble my thoughts and it's hard to explain but yeah but anyways it's interesting thinking about who or what my ocs would like in video games or colors or whatever because all my ocs seem to reflect a certain part of me and i can get into the psychology of that but also its hard to explain my thoughts but also anyways yeah i find it interesting thinking about who my ocs would kin

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #feel free to just ignore me oopsies i am just rambling but yeah i love my ocs so much #sorry besties you are all subject once more to my brainrots and rambles and random thoughts now that i am on tumblr rn #my brain is very interesting to me and the way i think but also i can't properly think in such a way and i find it really hard to explain #and i'm such a mess but also man i don't know and i'm going off-track and god i love vgm so much and i don't want to do homework #but anyways back to the goddamn point !!! so my oc merle. i have little crossover thoughts in my head right and i realize #he's similar with akira and then it makes sense as to why i like characters like akira and it's a little woa fr bcs #the way i imagine merle is really similar to akira actually but with a more purple color scheme (but still dark) and he doesn't wear #glasses (at least. wait. actually. i don't really know anymore) GOD my mind never stops but yeah uhm yeah #i think humans are so unbelievably interesting and it's all just so fascinating and and and #also i've awakened to the fact i really like sharks i think they're very cute! i still prefer dolphins though #people who hurt animals make me really angry and sad... i think about it and already want to cry #i have never had a pet but my grandparents had lots and it's funny how memory works. i forgot they once had a pet turtle #until something in a school group project involved my group involving a pet turtle in our storyline for something #and then i remember that past. my past. once again. and clearly even! and... yeah #but yeah... i know i will never abandon my pet if ever i do get a pet. or pets. i would never do that and i really know this is a fact with #all my heart but what's stopping me from getting a pet is that i need to take better care of myself first and learn how to take care of #pets! i think where i live there's actually an opportunity for me to do so. i'll try to see more about that. and hmm... this is a really #busy year for school. and then the next. and then tbh everything onwards from 2023 so... i don't want to put time to something #i'm not even sure if i can really make time for. but. i think i really do want a pet! a dog esp. but also a cat. but a dog esp #bcs i've always wanted one !! i know when it comes to something i really want i am very dedicated and passionate #like how i already calculated xiv expenses months before actually got the game? and planned how me and lune would do things too #and then because i want to handle money better and take note of all that i yeah and yeah and yeah im tired of typing now BYE #will now disappear again after rambling quite a lot ^__^ maybe? maybe not? who knows! #my thoughts are so. whack. wack? idk. but uhm yeah it went from ocs to sharks to pets to money and idk huh #man w some things i'm really shy about being perceived or asked about. like my ocs. egbhebgjhbjehs ;;;;; #and people being nice to me T__T sorry i rlly appreciate it but i can't really comprehend it and my coping mechanism is avoidance

[hauntedpearl]

not to get back here and immediately get whiny but you know.

#anyway. like. i think maybe something is wrong with me. like psychologically hadghdjdkd #every TIME i get in a group of people and i fall hard and fast for the people there bc im normal and im like FRIENDS NOW & FOREVER YIPPEEE #but then they just like. stop liking me or talkign to me or sth. or like idk i will be open and talk too much or infodump or sth and they #just start distancing themselves #and it's like OH MY GOD I DUD SOMETHING #i also wish they would just tell ne what i did so i won't do that in te future but instead they're all etiquette-y about it #and now i have to go cry in a corner about it #and then im like okay i should leave the group or whatever they can have fun w/o me so i jsut sort of pull away #and then i get tOOOOO lonely #and then im like oh no let me go crawling back #and they're nice bc maybe all this is like fully in my head or maybe absence makes rhe heart fond or whatever #and then cycle cycle #anyway. i need to get a life bur i dont have one so i keep cryinf about everything stupid #WHATEVAAAAA #im gonna go do math to calm down #ive forgotten a lot of my undergrad stuff so im doing linAl again!! and it's v fun!! i actually never had to take linal in college #like we used a few principles and atuff but i never had to take the course so doing it now is kinda exciting too!! #ANYWAY ANYWAY. EVERYTHING IS SSTUPUF

[szczylpierdolony]

.

#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays #i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test #and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment #and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry #my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being #weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor #and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill #but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying #and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully #so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die #i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive #i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading #speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die #also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams #bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be #crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street #also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time #and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it #i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus #and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself #tw suicide mention

[dreams-in-daylight]

.

#actually manage to go to bed now or another night ending around 5-6am? #tumblr made me smile at least #dear diary emotional bullshit #giving fair warning or whatever idk #heavy messy life bullshit #just venting and shiz but def negative energy/bad vibes #official ​last chance to turn back #talking w MIL former pharmacist but within 2 years so immoderately accurate I acknowledge that #but a lot of what she said didn’t match up with the info available online from cites I imagine are pretty up to date #offer assistance online so probs pretty well informed an up to date #and I get that bae probs needs the mental security or w/e bc talking w her mom and her job and I get that #but then why the fuck would that make me feel any better?????? #all in my head isn’t any better bc guess where I have to live #bed might’ve been smarter but if I’d cry either way then at least not keep bae up #I and negative head space just manifests as stress dreams/mundane nightmares #lyrics stuck in my head #I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not I’m far from lonely and it’s all that I’ve got #or I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired #I need something else would someone please just give me ? hit me knock me out and let me go back to sleep #up down turn around please don’t let me hit the ground tonight I think I’ll walk alone find my soul as I go home

[countess-of-edessa]

my former neighbor has offered like six different times to drive me back home from school for holidays. since last winter break he has been offering this repeatedly. and i hate taking the train. but (1) he has a ten hour drive and while i am right on his way, there would still be some kind of detour and that makes me feel bad to add any time to an already very annoying drive and (2) my mother would probably invite him in and want to speak to him which is humiliating in itself because i hate when people from the outside have to experience my family but would be even worse because i have never had a male friend before and he is my only one so i am beyond positive at least my mother thinks he is my secret boyfriend and it would make any interaction between them SO awkward

#he insisted on introducing himself to her when she came to move me out #and shook her head for some ridiculous reason i was leaning over the balcony like STOP TALKING TO MY MOTHER GO HOME #so i have no doubt if he turned up in my driveway the same thing would happen #to be fair #a lot of my anons think he is my secret boyfriend so #i guess it’s just inevitable #it would make my mother cry if i told her this but if i wasn’t afraid of that I would tell her look #if he was really my boyfriend I would never mention his name to you even once and you wouldn’t know he exists lol #the fact that you have ever heard of him at all means that he isn’t my boyfriend #** shook her hand lol #also my dad would absolutely hate him on sight i just know it #which is fine because why would my father have to personally like everyone i have ever socialized with #but #i know that if he decides he doesn’t like this guy he’s going to make it a Thing for some reason

[noxtivagus]

PEOPLE ARE SO INTERESTING

#🌙.rambles #hi 2 am rambles but tonight i am loving life #dear diary (lol) i am tired n i have lost a lot of energy after this very good day n i will sleep soon #bro idk what i'm writing rn i just ate a cookie n thought about people #cookie.... i am so full rn it's a big cookie 😭😭 it's so delicious though. i really want to learn how to bake someday #but i wonder. i was wondering how you all perceive me here #bcs looking at a mix of who i am in discord. tumblr. twitter. spotify. all those have differences imo #discord you'd see the way i text with others? the things i share. the things i send. the words i say #personally for me reflecting on the things i often say to ppl n it serves as a reaffirmation honestly that i genuinely am kind at heart #i love telling others kind things. that makes me happy. saying good morning n good night n take care n sleep well n rest well #i just find it so interesting. everything. i think about so much things in life on a daily basis #and if anyone were to really. reach close enough to the deepest parts of me #there's a lot of pain definitely but i think someone would see a girl filled with so much love for life #i'm getting off-topic but god i am constantly so confused n lost but i still am strong. i'm proud of who i am. of my mindset #i love who i am. i love the things i desire. and the way i work towards my goals #and not just me. for everyone else. i'm gna cry #i already am 🥹 it often hurts bcs i'm really so. i feel very deeply #so when i. when i struggle n feel so alone it hurts me so much because at times it gets so hard to break out of that even tho i know better #there's so much to love about life but there's so little time too #maybe in my head i can be a little too idealistic at times but. at the same time i know i've gone through so much pain already #that feeling of betrayal. of being forgotten. left behind. god i'm crying even more remembering about all those nights #so. as long as i hold unto myself. unto everything i have ever loved. that will spur me onwards. that i may forge ahead unto tomorrow #the same things i analyze of myself like. the things i said at first here. i think of everyone else as well #how would it be like to live life through your own eyes? with your thoughts and experiences and emotions? #you see. there's really so much to life. and that's what i always remember when i feel like dying #like genuinely i have. felt so. down and sad that i have thought about it. wishing i could just. but i don't want. anyone to worry #my love for the people in my life kept me going when i hated myself so much #god n i. i'm crying so much wait. that's why i want to give so much kindness to others too #i'm crying. i love the night so much bcs i love being open and authentic like this so much but most of the time i get afraid honestly

[kellystar321]

here we go again~!

#periodical life updates #(there's no period but its general life update time babey!! btw hindsight this ones very long prepare for an extension if you hit readmore) #im going to draw first because i have good old fashioned loverboy stuck in my head and there's a drawfee episode i can draw to #well im gonna finish my tea and then im gonna draw <3 then i'll probably add things to queue after that #i have to cook eggrolls tonight too #eggrolls are such a hassle because i cant do anything worthwhile while theyre cooking i have to attend to them at moments notice -.- <33 #maybe i'll play the mad rat dead demo again who knows~ #i am not a gamer and i still cant do hard mode <3 i will also never buy the full game because jegus 40 dollars is a lot and ive seen the- #plot already and i would not get it for further gameplay because i would suck at it <33 but i like the demo! i LOVE the music! and i can- #play it while eggrolls cook because stages are short and i can pause whenever <3 also ive been listening to the ost on repeat #there are NO BAD SONGS IN MAD RAT DEAD. NONE. THEY'RE ALL BANGERS THEY'RE ALL GOOD also If We Could Be Friends made me cry <3 #okay thats all the mad rat dead talk we're moving on!! drew a new sticksona you'll see it eventually! my friend DREW ME AND IGNGJHFBJFNHBD! #WAHHH;;; it is so pretty shes so good at coloring and i admire them ALWAYS <3 i drew me and him together <33 #we trade doodles sometimes <33 i hope they know they dont have to draw for me; theyre such a sweetheart and i worry she overworks herself- #he draws for other people and fandoms often and i just hope he takes care of himself <33 people who draw for other people deserve the world #have also been drawing eca things! love how the next part of the caving in arc is turning out <3 finished a different comic; started one- #ive been meaning to draw <3 gotta finish the caving in arc; gotta do the seven-spotted arc and the creators and creation arc <3 #if i have time i want to do the ghost of your former self arc <3 oh eca my little guy i love you so much <33 i have an ecacore and acecore- #tag now! i also want to make other -core tags for my ocs so i might just make a general oc core tag because thats too many <3 #oh speaking of too many tags this is the 20th tag so the rest will be cut off <3 anyway! queued stuff hopefully! ✌️

[horanghoe]

☆ venting - on this little safe space ☆

feel free to move along ✨️

“But pain’s like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There’s no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface.”

― Katie Kacvinsky

#livs soft hours ♡ #rant time #imposter syndrome is working pretty hard on slamming me down today #i know im funny and witty (sometimes quick) mostly morally sound and people like my potentially-autistic-honesty #but it doesn't stop me feeling like sometimes i should stop bothering people 🤷‍♀️ #mental health is truly an uphill battle. and i am fighting with everything ive got and im happy im so stable at such a young age #but i wish every time my friends spoke to me i feel like im complaining. turning everything onto them because my good news is related to #healing old news. overcoming trauma. relearning love. relearning life. forgiving myself and noticing goodness #imposter syndrome really be taking all that good healing and turning it on its head !!! like dude wtf?! im just out here 🤣 #im good #just tired again #sorry for ranting #i wish to be a better person so that I can teach the people around me how to survive and heal themselves #i wish to be a good friend so that they do not feel let down or angered by my actions #and I wish to make people cry. smile. because I think that's really beautiful #like when hwasa told herself she was beautiful. I think I would like to let myself know that I am allowed to feel #thats all #lots of love #from me to you #sweetest regards #liv 🐸 💌