#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading

[szczylpierdolony]

.

#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays #i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test #and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment #and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry #my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being #weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor #and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill #but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying #and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully #so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die #i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive #i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading #speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die #also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams #bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be #crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street #also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time #and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it #i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus #and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself #tw suicide mention

[dogstarblues]

okay checklist of what i cant seem to do bc i need rest from it

crochet. did a fuckton on a trip earlier this spring and now cant seem to pick up the hook. my hands needed two weeks of rest after all that

writing prose. wrote an entire first draft of a novel. edited a lyric essay for publication. well. guess i need a break.

writing poetry. have revised four poems to send out for publication with lit mags. have revised my latest manuscript now EIGHT times, 7 on my own and once with the publisher. and just approved the grammatical edits. waiting two more days to scour the manuscript for anything to adjust but. it's basically ready to send in for formatting to the developmental editor. i think im in a period of dormancy for writing poetry until i overcome a skill-hump and am able to write better (being able to implement and act preemptively on what i've noticed i need to do to improve). that's happened before.

listening to audiobooks. i cant focus on anything! i'll wait a few more days to try an audiobook again, maybe it's just once of those periods where i need to listen to music only.

podcasts. well. cant focus on those either.

reading poetry. see above.

reading prose. i havent been able to sit down and read prose all the way through since i quit cigarettes :)))))) i can barely manage a short story once every month :))))))))) can barely even manage an article or longpost on tumblr :)))))))))))

things i am left with to do.

draw digitally. am restricted by my hands to 40min-1hr

paint - which i cant seem to make myself do :) i'll try after this post. i have to sketch out what im planning on doing on the canvas but. i have an idea.

play games. am restricted by my hands to 2 hrs. am mentally exhausted by them after 1.5 hours.

learn ableton. have no idea how mentally exhausting it'll be but :))) we shall see.

#dogstar speaking

[itsspiderpenguin]

Meh: 11/08/19 4:33am

I'm just going to go on a little self indulgent rant about my life and feel like recording this, I really don't care whether you read this or not and it'll probably just be a waste of time because you don't know me. But still moving on to the point of this post which is that I've become somewhat aware of my growing apathy towards everything in life. Tbh I don't really know when it started and I don't even really know how intense it is. But the thing is that I remember when I was a child some of my friends went to see a film without me and I cried so hard and felt like the entire world had hated me because my friends went to the cinema without me and why would they do that if not because they couldn't stand being in my presence. And then in secondary school my two best friends stopped talking to me (for good reason but I digress) and I felt so miserable and worthless yet again. And in the first case I ended up completely losing contact with them and even today its been years and years since we last spoke. And I remember just realising that I had lost contact and it broke my heart because I didn't think anyone else would be able to stand me. Coming back to nowadays I've just finished college where I had met a fair few new friends and we spent basically all of our college time and time outside of college together. Playing games, helping each other revise, gossiping and so much more. And I came to the realisation that as usual I havent kept in contact with any of them. And yet I don't care. Not in the slightest, the most amount of emotion that I could sum up was "eh that's a shame" and I don't understand why. What's happened that's caused me to become so uncaring towards others, why is it so easy for me to let people leave my life? And this next point could just me being lazy but I've found that I have zero motivation to do anything. I've stopped going rock climbing, I got fired because I had no motivation to leave my bed. And now that I've got so much free time I do nothing but lie in bed and think about how I got into this situation. I try and do something, whether it be dancing or playing games ot reading or walking or learning a language or learning to draw or playing guitar but I always get bored of it barely even a few minutes into the activity. There just doesn't seem to be anything that makes me feel happy. Like I've become interested in BTS but tbh even that excitment is wearing thin and there's only so many times you can hear the same song. And another thing I've realised is that my birthday is in 8 days and I'm finally going to be 18, a legal adult where I can legally do most things, and yet I just don't care at all. Like there's no excitment, no fear, just nothing. So yeah things are weird but who knows maybe I'll get bored of feeling bored and actually get off my ass and do something