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#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be
szczylpierdolony · 1 year
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#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
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misterbitches · 3 years
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some thots. having a bad time so this is rougher than usual. oh well
....
i guess he really does know hiim best cos if that was my mans (man specifically cos if anyone else did that id take it more srsly) i would be like oh my god ur singing me a love song? i would love it but i woudl SCREAM in embarrassment. UNLESS it was a really deep love song that's about us dying together.
like i want to eat ur skin type of thing (drain u nirvana) lmaoa but i really like this song it reminds me of that velvet underground song (the only one i know cos of juno lmao) and nico or whatever 'i'm sticking with you)
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my adhd would be out of fucking control i had to spend my time listening to this looking around i kept getting distracted by a tissue and thinking "wow this song is nice but i wish it would end bc i am getting distracted" and lo and behold i paused it and i have to pee and i know it's gonna take forever to undo this
ok about 12m later i turned it back on and they kissed and then he bit the corn then that night li chen also lost his virgin teas after watching gay porn and being like "hm interesting" and he'll be like "i see, ur dick is not medium sized"
i'm honestly gagging i cannot at this 12 year old marrying his mom
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beautiful theyre beautiful
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ayea you fucking psycho we do too because he was 17 and we had to witness it (or well, other people did cos i didnt watch the show even tho wayne song is [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEP] and i want him to [BEEEEEEEP] and ppl even liked it which is fine like i get it in theory but they put this in my eyeballs so i'm gonna make fun of it bc it's fuckin DUMB lmao like i can't I CANNOT and he said "u were so persistent" BITCH UR 30??!?!???!?!?!?)capi hve it on mute and i tried to get a screencap of li chen and mu ren like together and not just his face but i cant find the timestamp and seeing their faces as they get married is literalyl traumattizing i'm like scremaing at my screen going "HE'S 5 HE'S 5 HE'S 5" and every time theyre like "we acn live forever together" like no bitch ur bones rae creaking
also is the officiator white? if anyone knows why or if that's common i'd love to know more. EDIT: HE ISN'T I JUST THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE MOBY FROM THAT ANGLE
anyway here
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i'm almost done with this fucking bullshit and i am in a really ould mood and usu they make it a bit better but imo it's kind of....annoying i guess balancing all these story elements and introducin gother couples (even in the periphery) since the story in itself can't focus. i feel like all in all the time spent with these two is a lot more limited and we get the feel for the rship because of their chemistry as actors, irl chemistry as friends and colleagues, and hopefully being happy and working on a good set. so it isn't the strength of the writing or production.
for some reason they get like less dynamic ways of being together which i think is part of their charm, they do things their own way, but the writers really should have substantiated this more. it's really just the way everyone in the show has managed to deliver these AWFUL story lines and production decisions (like seriously who the fuck was on costume? lighting?)
like maybe hot take but all the moments that are cringe and insane in the show are not pleasant, per se, because they aren't thought out clearly. so they're not a joy to watch in the normal sense but the actors are good enough to pull it off. i didn't cringe at the talks they had because it felt like actors like acting these lines out instead of us being embarrassed for it and you CAN TELL theyre embarrassed.
this is a huge kudos to the casting director and the actors and whatever crew that actually did a good job. i don't particularly like watching bo xiang and his grandfather husband not because of the content but because i feel like, to me, they're so awkward even though they have chemistry. i don't have that issue with xing si and his rapist brother boyfriend because watching them is actually really pleasant, it's intimate. this isn't to do with the story though because when it hits you how devoid this other person is and how stupid the situation is it changes (for me, for me, for me, this is all my opinion think whateverrrr u want im not telling u 2 ok!)
so truly kudos to this cast. idk if i'm misremembering here but imo the most cast appropriate series in this was crossing the line and close to you. one is a decent atmosphere and execution (yes even with that brother story line, notice the major key differences though because that's a sincere false equivalence. they try to execute power imbalances soooo badly and then fail every time but here's one meant to shock too and it was just likelmao ok girl?)
it may not make sense to say either in a writing way or for the character to do it but i believe that whoever the characters these people are supposed to be especially those super not well written on the page still get that message aacross (yong jie's actor is a good ex. not sure if i should ccongratulate him for having the worst job on earth and the worst character and his character is flat but. ostensibly they should let their actions speak for themselevs but what they do is they back themselves into a ccorner with unsuretyabout their characters or a dilemma that pops up they just want to excuse it. well guess hwat u couldnt do enough legwork. but to some extent the disposable side couple works here on a um "our eyes see them and get it" way
also to me it seems like they chose this story just to have this specific wedding. like it's a timely topic and i'm pretty sure like another provision? (correction? idk) was made WRT taiwanese same-sex marriage so it's topical but it isn't like a "papa and daddy" situation where they're interacting in it and there (for ex: the pride parade) and there being like real life terms and consequences. here it seems like they were like ah yes wedding ah yes dumb couple from modc bc we kiled off the other one sooooo (then outsource them to life love on the line u__u) then hamfisting in some fucking message which is funny bc
- despite the hints peppered in and the clear attraction they both acknowledge ur like ~not gay just him~ even tho...i mean i just. again they dont read over what they write i don't think considering. but wahtever.
- the only gay dude (verbally said) is with his rapist brother with an awful power dynamic oh or IS a rapist (gao) (or his brother but i think it was just a "im a psycho so it's him" thing unless they said it. in which case idc cos i wasnt paying attn but that's also not great) or i guess the wedding but like....that's also a ridiculously inappropriate and dumb relationship taht it's built on. i mean i don't really see much respect her so i dont particularly want to hear abt gay weddings being important when they didn't even utilize it in the story beforehand and have we ever. this is a huge indication to me that it was a reverse engineered chosen story beforehand (if it was one) or thought of
soooooo
so reversal of that....it didnt give us enough time to breathe with these two at all but for both of the actors they can capitalize what's on the page and the writers didn't. like their dynamic is very i give/you give like taking car eof each other etc that's why
again, no artist worth their salt will ever say their work meant nothing. that's a cover up. i'm sick of lazy production and then getting away with it claiming being subversive or attacking an issue by not doing anything. we show crazy shit all the time but it has a POINT and ur point is "i like the gays" then girl.....i mean it's not great
but the acting really carried it. i have a feeling if this series continues it might continue to use more experienced actors cos maybe the budget goes up but they also have less inhibitions now when it comes to acting. i like the way li chen expresss himself and teng teng too. i like anson a lot and there's some angles that did not do any favors and i think eh has to get more control of his body movements (bc he's SO LARGE and thin) but he wasn't bad at all and there were real human tears. of course i, personally, favor charles tu. he has more control over his body because he has...less to work with and he's a bit bigger and he was really great in this role. he's a himbo a bit of a meathead but you like him. you like them. there's some things i think they had them say and do that they wouldn't let happen if they stuck to the characters and the story (mainly liking that dumb idiot rapist)
what i notice is that the reprehensible actions people criticize others for in the show and in real human life lalways gets turned around. teng teng being surprised that this boy's grandfather boyfriend met him when he was a junior in high school and he's 12 years older and him apologizing for being shocked and then whatshisface going "ur better at it than most people" and then the convo about gao with whatshisface and then rapist brother comes to pick him up. they are admonishing gao but thinking that rapist brother is noble for doin gwhat he did (and oh rapist brother shows up) like the hypocrisy and the decisions are immense. so now it's like "guys see he's a great guy" like girl STICK TO SOMETHING but whatever so i live in this universe where muren and li chen do everything right and have lots of different interesting fun seex with all their friends. i would write this but i cannot i am dying
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adhdyosafire · 7 years
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  it took a fuckin while to draw these but alas here she is. i would have put her basic info DRAWN there 2 but the PAIN of lacking a pentab & using nothing but MOUSE is terrible but u kno ,,,, nya! both canon & variant verse will be explained below B”) just 4give my poor ass drawing skills
    basically her full name is kyana fletcher d.(aiki) mellington. she’s a british-japanese ( though she’s lived more in england rather than japan , thus was more used to their culture and language. she has visited her mother’s hometown several times though , but not as often. her accent is ever so slightly similar to bl/izzard’s tra/cer  ) . she’s about 23 y/o born on 05/26/19XX , about 6′5″ in height though originally 6′2″. her heels made her taller.  fluent in japanese and knows a little bit of french. she’s an IT engineer at mu/rkoff , yet also a web developer/designer and was responsible for several unsolved crimes. she uses a golden revolver to commit these crimes.
     she has undiagnosed psychopathy mainly because she rarely gave a shit about her mental health ( and highly doubts that she is sick in the first place , even believes in the contrary that she sees better than anyone else. smth like that. ) .
     her character , basically , is the villain in most stories who’s aware that they’re the villain and even lives up to it. think lor/d dom’s i’m the bad guy or sa/l just being the little shit he is. maybe less worse. or worse. you decide. she’s an antagonist and isn’t exactly the nicest girl around.
      PRE/BACKSTORY
            kyana grew up in a rather wealthy family with parents that loved her so. she’s a spoiled brat to say at the least , since her parents always gave her what she wanted and tried to make reason to her incorrect behavior . in school , she was typically a ‘’queen bee’’ but rarely had any friends despite her intimidating personality. it’s not like she cared too much though , what more she liked being an intimidating figure.  needless to say , she grew up in a life that was near to ‘ perfect ‘ but shit hit the fan eventually .
          her parents weren’t too young when they gave birth , thus they died of old age when kyana was around her teens. this distressed her , of course , but unlike most was quick to move on. her parents’ wealth was promised to be given to her when she was 18 but was first given to the hands of her aunt whom she moved in with. her aunt didn’t necessarily pay attention to her too much unlike her parents , and kyana wasn’t used to such treatment. she felt neglected for this state of her childhood but tried to not let it bother her too much . she had to move schools too eventually , and therefore lost her ‘popularity’ . she always got into several arguments and refused to be proven wrong even with evidence that she in fact was. her pride was something she never gave up . she eventually learned to become manipulative and put up a personality that was liked by many so her popularity once again increased and just like before , she was loved by many. but she uses this to her advantage to bully/bring down those who’ve disliked her at first , up to the point where they’ve chosen to leave the school / other terrible stuff. she never felt remorse for this however , only pure satisfaction. basically the same shit until she grew up to have a job. college was where she learned to toy with other’s hearts/feelings just for the sake of her amusement/sexual satisfaction for both men and women . her charms/good looks became a heavy advantage for her on this , along with her ability to flirt wisely though all deceived. ‘ falling in love ‘ was never a state kyana felt in her life because she couldn’t care less for romance .
       another thing about her personality as she grew up was she despised rules. she did not see the point in them , be it the commandments or laws in general. she has her own belief in where rules always rendered useless because  ‘ life’s short  , so ‘m gonna do whatever the fuck i wanna do ‘ . she finds it boring to follow such commands like robots being obliged to do tasks they’re programmed to do. this leads her to do some crimes for , again , the sake of her amusement or needs. be it greed for money or wrath / wanting revenge on some prick who’s pissed her off. she’s that petty. she was very power hungry too , which lead her to abandon her catholicism and worship herself instead.
      CANON
          kyana was still her ever so bitchy self in mount m/assive. of course she fucked with the other employees in more ways than one , and made sure she had a likable figure there as well. though she was aware of how terrible the shit they do in her workplace , it’s not like she could care less because ‘’ helping them nor pitying them would not be my benefit. perhaps , if i did , i’d achieve ‘justice’ as most would say , but it’s still an equivalence to golden rings to me. they’re both useless to me , hun. ‘’  so she continues on with her work.  the variants always piqued her interest though , and so ‘’playing’’ with them didn’t seem bad aka she wouldn’t really mind taking a trip inside the asylum herself ( AND BOY OH BOY WAS SHE WRONG ) 
          another thing she liked doing though was purely teasing with everyone else. think constantly bullying wa/ylon despite his size/timidness/reluctance to go ‘’rebel’’ with her ( and truthfully she does pity those who liked to follow rules , saying that they’re missing one hell of a life and just hopelessly becoming slaves to some dumb text printed on some paper  ) . she would literally cross the boundaries and even tease her boss as well since she didn’t enjoy being ‘bossed’ around or having someone more dominant/powerful than she is. ( lit tho she’d place a gun against his head n threaten him all she was n 5 seconds later lol bitch it’s a watergun i cant BELIEVE u peed urself!! )
     VARIANT
        in which her dream becomes true. this one’s still pretty much a huge wip but she generally takes the same path as wa/ylon , except she was either thrown in there w/o having to go to the morphogenic engine for either 1) angering jere/my and him just wantin 2 get petty revenge idk 2) kyana wasn’t mentally healthy in the first place and her little ‘gun’ incident made them throw her there , god im so unsure or 3) her just. getting in.  bc why not. ( i was supposed 2 add abt her following after way’s paths but that’s a WHOLE DIFF STORY OOPS ) 
       she unfortunately gets in unarmed though and loses her gun in the process. though she’s (thicc) physically capable of handling herself , her combat skills were not as great w/o the usage of weapons. thus in the path of meeting fra/nk she unfortunately gets her left breast cut off ( bc it was ‘’’meaty’’’ and thus more delicious yum YUM ) and manages to escape him . she’s slightly TERRIFIED at this point but not as much. the other variants didn’t matter to her nor did they have a large effect on her , what more they annoyed her with their stares/w/e im too lazy to explain it at this moment it’d be pretty obvious since she was a female wandering in the male ward
        much like both protagonists , traveling around the asylum made her sanity DROP further than it already was originally.  it’s basically the same or at least ALMOST the same torture as wa/ylon went through ( in which i’ll talk about in a more detailed way #soon(tm) ) . the gown , obviously , came from ed/die in attempts of making her into one of his brides ( and since she was presumbably the first female he’s come across with he’d be glad to finally found someone who was already PHYSICALLY acceptable for him so all he did was shove her in that damn dress ) but at this point she’s already snapped . she’d play for a while , but moments later had fought back and eventually killing the other inmate in the process , but not without saying ‘ thanks for the dress though , darlin~ ‘ in the process of murder. much like her previous criminal acts , she found slaughter amusing and p much did it to the other variants she’d come across w/ and called it an act of ‘mercy’ since it was so much better to die than let murkoff use them for experiments. think chris’ except his intentions were more linked to the wal/rider , in where kyana talked about the entire asylum in general.
      the guts were a faux flowercrown . since she still had to look pretty even in a godforsaken place , which should hint/show her VERY obvious narcissism .
       she has either stayed in the asylum as a wandering female variant in the male ward or if we’re following/making her path in the whistl/eblower story , she’d end up killing even jerem/y rather than miles’ wa/lrider doing it. same w/ waylo/n but AGAIN , that’s a different story(tm) that i’ll post abt soon
ONCE AGAIN NON FILTER FOR PROPER COLORS...
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papatens-blog · 7 years
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Ten || Oh Sweet Verona (f.)
+in which the art of the artist admires the art before her+ "Ohhh sweet Verona, with your blue and gold horizons how you dance upon me with all your glory....Oh....Sweet....Verona~" I sing loudly on the secluded cliff. "You know, it would make my job a lot easier if you didn't move so much!" Someone yelled to me from behind causing me to jump from the shock. Turning around I noticed a boy around my age sitting in front of a wooden easel, he held a paint palette in his left and a paint brush in his right. "Oh im sorry I didn't see you th-" I was about to stand up to leave but I was stopped immediately by the artist. "Sit there for five more minutes at least!" He called, I gave him a confused look before turning back to my original position on the edge of the ledge. Ignoring the boy I put on some music to try to forget that he was there. Sighing with a smile I began to concentrate on the scene before me. 'Oh beautiful Verona how lovely you are~' I sang in my head this time. I leaned back and propped myself on my elbows in order to admire the beautiful aqua ocean and the golden blue sky. I twitched slightly at the feeling of two fingers tap my shoulder lightly. Taking one of my earbuds out I turned around to greet whoever was pestering me only to see the artist once again. Standing up I dusted my white pants and stood face first in front of the beautiful being. "Ah, hello there beautiful miss. Here you are~" he said in a sing song voice. Nodding I took the rolled poster from his arms. "Ten! We have to go buddy! Tell your lady friend goodbye and get your ass over here!" One his friends I assume yelled in our direction. "Oh um I guess you have to go?" I spoke quietly, he just chuckled leaving me really confused for a moment. "Why no darling not without knowing your name I shall not go." He flashed me the most beautiful smile ive ever seen with my own two eyes. "My name is y/n, and thank you by the way for this." I smiled at Ten before turning to the rolled up poster. "No problem! I think you'll like it." He smiled as he collected his easel and paint supplies. "Open it when you get to the hotel," he grabbed my hand before giving it a soft loving kiss, I couldn't help but blush as he lingered towards the end of the kiss, "I shall see you again maybe?" He asked, I couldn't help but notice how excited he sounded at the idea of seeing me again. "Definitely but I-" "Fantastic!" He cut me off before running towards his impatient friends. "I leave in a week...." I frowned. Hearing my class tour guide whistle I sighed and gathered my belongings and made my way to her. "Now! How was your free time? Did you guys have fun?! Great! I did too! Now we will all head to a nice restaurant here in Verona for dinner where we will obviously fill ourselves up THEN we are to go straight to the hotel HOWEVER if I'm feeling generous I shall give you guys more free time depending how late we are!" She smiled, none of us could protest at the fair offer. "Now on to the bus you go!" She ushered us in, however just as I was about to enter she pulled me aside. I gave her a quizzical look but stopd with her anyways. "Y/n," she said after the last girl got in, "we have a problem...." I didn't say anything as worry filled me completely. "Your seat will kind of um taken." Widening my eyes I pull away from her grasp. "What?! Am I going to be stuck here?!" I shrieked. She smiled gently as if telling me to calm down to I did exactly that, "No sweetie you will go with the other class they're waiting for you over there," she pointed to the tour bus behind our bus where people were still getting in. "Can I know why?" I asked, "Of course! Well you see they had to separate a couple if you know what I mean...." She gave the thought a disgusting look. "That's fine I guess, see you all at the restaurant?" I was hungry hopefully we would eat together or something, "Why yes! You can meet us there!" She smiled and ushered me to the other class' bus."Everyone this is y/n she will ride with you guys for now! Now please she is really nice so please refrain from being mean!" I cringed at the sudden load of attention being dumped on me. I waited until everyone got on the bus so that way I could see where my seat was. After the last boy got in I stepped inside the bus myself and looked around for a moment to find my seat, after finding my seat I gingerly walked towards it. "Hey kiddo my name is Jaehyun, now please enjoy my girlfriends old seat!" I could easily recognize the sarcasm in his voice therefore I couldn't help but give him what I got. "Aww thank you! I hope you enjoy your lonely ride to the restaurant!" I smiled, he looked angry for a second but then started cracking up in laughter. "Nice my ass you're a cold bitch." Giving him a sarcastic smile I spoke, "What can I say, I give what I get." Rolling my eyes I looked out the window. Sighing I plugged in my earbuds and ignored his angry rant towards me. I couldn't help but feel a bit heavy, I felt as if someone's gaze was upon me. I tried looking at that Jaehyun kid to see if it was him giving me a glare or some shit. He was playing games on his phone before noticing my stare and turning off his phone. "What do you want?" Ignoring the harsh tone of his voice I decided to ask what's been lingering in my head since I sat down by him. "Am I the only one who feels it?" He widened his eyes and backed away. "Sorry kid I have a girlfriend I-" "No. I'd rather drown than even think of liking you that way, I mean, do you feel it too? Like some if staring at us, have you noticed it too?" I whispered closer to his ear. He gave me a look and decided check out the bus only to lean back on his chair with a chuckle, I couldn't help but give him a weird look. "No fucking way buddy, you know he told me he met a beautiful girl earlier and we were all curious about who he was talking about, clearly he DID forget his contacts back in the hotel!" Jaehyun laughed loudly. I wasnt even curious anymore, I was hurt. Hurt because this kid doesn't even know me that well but he's so fucking mean to me. Usually when people said shit like this I didn't really give a fuck, but I don't know when a stranger just assumes terrible things about you it's annoying and frustrating. No longer wanting to speak to him for my own sake I turned my whole body to I was facing the dark sky of Verona. Jaehyun's phone was on our shared seat so when it began to vibrate furiously I felt it. The person texting him must've been really angry or excited who knows to be honest. I took one last look of the beautiful streets of Verona before shutting my eyes. Feeling two light taps on my shoulder I awoke from my slumber only to turn around and see Jaehyun was gone along with everyone else from the bus except for, "Ten?!" I smiled and jumped up to give him a massive bear hug, boy was I happy to see this guy! "Woah there!" He laughed and returned the hug. I pulled away and gave him a relieved smile, he smiles back and ushered me out of the bus. "I apologize for Jaehyun, he doesn't hate you he's just salty his girl was moved to another bus." He smiled after. Just as we got off the bus we were greeted with a loud squeal of excitement. "Y/n! I see you've made a friend! See it's not so bad!" My tour guide exclaimed to us with the happiest smile I've ever seen on her. "Don't bother sitting with us now go along sit with him!" She gave me a wink before skipping over to our class. Looking back at Ten it was easy to see how red his pale cheeks were, smiling excitedly I led him inside the restaurant. The restaurant was beautiful, the walls were decorated with different types of oils, flowers, gods, angels, pictures of random families together....it was a stunning place. "C'mon" Ten tapped my shoulder gently against this time taking the chance to put his arm around my shoulders. I didn't notice who we were seated by until it was too late, "Ten!" Our attention to eachother was distructed by the wails of one of the girls in my class. He looked back at me and gave me a reassuring look for what ever reason, and for some reason I was angry and for some other reason....Ten calmed me down with just that look. He sat right in the front of the girl despite her pulling him towards the seat beside her, it made me feel content. He gave me this cute smile, a smile that could cure any sickness in the world, a smile that could leave on blind from the impact of the beauty. Oh this feeling....what is this feeling? Oh sweet Verona.... Despite her various attempts to talk to him they all went unnoticed. I was happy, happy because I felt as if I was being worshipped by royalty, me, a commoner. I was rich with his attention while others yearned for it. I felt....I dont know, special, for once. The waiter came up to us with a smile, I couldn't help but take in his features. He wore fine tailored black slacks, pearly white buttoned up shirt, very fine and expensive looking leather dress shoes. He was stunning, like a model, but why was he working as a waiter? After taking Ten's order he looked at me but didn't say anything, it was as if he were admiring me?? "Miss, why you are very beautiful I must say so. Because it is only so rare to see such a goddess walk into these doors, here in Verona.... whatever you get I will make it on the house my lady...." he reached down and held my hand only to lay a ginger kiss right on my knuckles. There was a bunch of 'woos' and 'ooos'. The sudden attention caused my cheeks to change color on their own. This was bad but I was too flustered to say anything much less do anything. After taking my order the godly waiter left and left me with Ten and the girl along with her tragic friends. Taking a sip of my water I glanced at Ten who seemed kind of flustered. "Are you alright? You seem-" he stood up out of nowhere and zoomed out of the restaurant. What was his problem? -Admin I've decided to make this part 1 bc im too lazy to finish it all in one
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