#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying

[puppyeared]

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

#MOTHER FFFFUCKER #to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants #im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night #at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn #to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS #the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori #but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey #consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!! #just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick #outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to #animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better #at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH #i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc #im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over #where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands #there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE #ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles #but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your #health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!! #im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves #also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet #im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to #have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to #to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up #their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ #yapping

[boxwinebaddie]

is fingerbang in rm?

oooooh...iiiiinteresting.

but i'm gonna say no. :/

i Wish i could put them in rm because that would be so iconic, but there's just too much crossover with the characters; i wouldn't know how to work it into the story with everything going on already.

however! i will raise you this:

so back in the stone ages when i used to run the BWB twitter, i came across a post that you might remember me retweeting/replying to a tweet with a picture of fingerbang kyle and regular stan in it.

at the top of the post, someone retweeted it saying something to the effect of 'ugh, i hate celebrity x fan plots, so boring lol' and maybe it's petty but that made me heeeellla overprotective and Viciously Angry bc that's the plot premise of my entire fanfic and i literally don't think it's boring at all??? yes, i'm insane.

that pissed me off, lmao.

but anyways i was looking at that picture of finger bang kyle and regular boy stan and was like...oh my god it's just rm in reverse???

so here's my pitch for the reverse remember au fic aka...

forget?

shdlkshdlkah

so i think that the plot premise or chapter one would hinge on the fact that it is shelley's birthday. and for shelley's birthday, she and her friend got two tickets to go see finger bang live and in concert, world famous boy band, like one direction, beatle-mania level famous.

buuuuuut her friend backs out at the last minute, so she's left with this extra ticket and that girl was her ride so she basically can't go.

let's leave that off to the side for a moment though, so i can tell you a little about what i think forget au stan marsh would be like...

who i think...

is an absolute fucking LOSER.

like i am talking major loner-stoner energies, has literally one friend and i think its butters who is also his roommate, never goes outside, literally just holes up in his room playing his guitar, writes a bunch of really dark edgelordy songs no one will ever hear — they are actually quite good, but again, sort of political and bleak and beat-poetic, is a serious music snob, like really really fucking annoying about music...might bring him working at vinyl tap back, but i also support city wok delivery boy stan, basically only goes outside to barely pay attention in class ( he's a music major at cu denver ), go to work so that he can buy more pizza, beer, video games and i think he's saving up for a really fancy guitar or to see shows which are his safe place.

i predict that he probably is still bleach blonde stan, i maintain that he can still be half mexican like ravenstan, could be really cute if he brushed his hair and stopped slouching, vegetarian, wears the same beanie from high school, rotates the same like four or five tee shirts which are all covered in stains, full of holes, etc. most of them are band shirts or 100% hemp tegridy farms work shirts from when he was working there in high school which he barely got through, btw, cs get degrees, probably wears the iconic stan leather jacket that is obnoxiously covered in pins, big baggy jeans, like, huge, and ofc, the stan marsh combat boots bc he's an midwest emo king.

i assume he has all the stan piercings, certainly the nose one...should i give him the ravenstan lip piercing for shits and gigs? some tattoos?

but yeah, i love him but he's pathetic. he has like zero social skills. he had one girlfriend and it was wendy and they broke up a million times because he kept accidentally fucking up by boyfailing too hard. bi but i don't think he really knows that. like i feel like he has some bi panic moments but he kind of just takes a shot and swallows those down and tries not to think about it so stan probably thinks he's straight.

interesting.

anyways! stan is gearing up to go to this gigantic metal festival that he's ben waiting for..Forever but then gets a call from his mom who is like "stanley marsh, it is your SISTER'S BIRTHDAY! you are driving her to this concert and that is final!" he complains soooooo much like shelley why are you fucking ruining my life to go see gay one direction????? holy shit???? i hate my life????

but the hotel room(s) are already paid for and stan has the tegridy farms family truck ( riley made me moderately obsessed with little beat up pick up truck farm boy stan i love him ) aka weed for speed aka mary jane ( she is stan's baby ) so he picks shelley up who tries to play finger bang the whole way there but stan is a snob and he is like i am driving i am picking the music, but shelley and him keep fightng and probably break the radio and they have to sit in silence hdlksah, the whole time shelley is going on and on and ON about finger bang and how obsessed she is specifically with kyle, who stan doesn't know much about other than the fact that he is little and ginger?

sigh we can have tall boyfail loser midwest emo weed farm skater boy stan and short cute fresh faced world famous popstar kyle as a treat, you are welcome to everyone, but mostly riley.

also because i gave jersey an accent, i mean, i don't think forget finger bang stan has a super strong accent but there's probably a little twang there just from being all the way out there in super hick nowheresville rural colorado, it kind of embarasses him so he doesn't talk much or very loudly at all, might have a slight stammer?

idk i love him he's a qt. <3

anyways they get there and it is PACKED!!!!! it is literally hell, stan is so overstimulated holy shit, like forget ( why am i calling it that like that is so fucking funny ) stan is so introverted, he is not vibing. also because it's all mostly screaming girls with signs and stuff, shelley is one of them, she is holding up this really obnoxious one that says 'DEFILE ME, KYLE' on it like gOOOOOOD.

he's in hell fr fr fr.

but it gets worse because right before they are about to get in, this group of rabid fans runs by and one of them knocks her red sugary drink all over stan and completely douses his shirt. he's ready to die. the hotel is too far away, so he has to go into the stadium store and buy something to wear but sigh...the only option...

is black tee-shirt with the words FINGERBANG ME <3 in a big pink glittery font...but sigh...*raven vc* at least it's black. he has no choice but to buy it rip the guitar fund.

he goes back in with shelley and the finger bang boys come out i think its cartman, kenny, kyle and wendy but...wendyl? might be kinda spicy if stan's ex-boyfriend was in fb, also bc that makes him confused about his sexuality...nina rm/fb trans rights, baby!

stan hates everything about their upbeat, capitalistic, commercialist vibe, all of it is really obnoxious bubble gum pop stuff meant to be peddled to teenage girls, its almost propaganda and makes stan sick.

which, speaking of, the songs are bad, but the singing, he's realizing, is actually quite good, particularly the singing done by the little ginger finger bang boy who shelley is obsessed with who...for some reason stan really cannot take his eyes off of. he also thinks he might be crazy but he swears they accidentally locked eyes a couple times, which meant stan had to take a swig of flask he stashed in his jacket.

but i'm gonna finish this post out with a bang or, rather, a finger bang if you will, because i think ala the virigin sacrifice schtick in rm, they probably single some audience members out...

shelley picks the extremely oppurtune moment before that happens to use the restroom and basically pawns her gigantic DEFILE ME KYLE SIGN off on him, so he's just holding this kyle sign and the FINGER BANG ME teeshirt so naturally, fingerbang kyle thinks he's a fan, gets really close to him, winks, steals his beanie, replaces it with his white, blingy, fluffy ushanka and says

"Hey Cutie,

Wanna Get Finger Banged?" <3 ;) xxx

LKHDSLKSHLKHSLKHD I CAN JUST SEE RURAL BOY MIDWEST EMO STAN HEAVY BREATHING HAVING A BI PANIC ATTACK LIKE OHHHH GOD OH GOD LITERALLY CANT SPEAK FEELS LIKE HES GONNA THROW UP FB!KYLE RIZZ IS WAY TOO STRONG HELP

anyways...Scene.

this was so funny to me. like obviously it's not a real thing or anything but it was interesting to imagine an alternative world where finger bang is the famous band and kyle is the big celebrity, not stan. i think maybe they're looking for a 5th member and butters joins the band??? also maybe style have some secret red string of fate tying them together that neither of them know abt?

live, laugh, fingerbang.

uncle nina, celebrity x fan enthusiast

#this was so funny to me i don't know what the hell this is #but it made me laugh so there #finger ban(d) supremacy baby! #this kind of thrilled me so u can ask me silly questions about the fake forget fingerband universe if you want #i am a little obsessed with lanky introverted mid west emo music snob music major rural colorado weed farm boy stan #and tiny bubblegum pop boy next door super cheeky flirty it boy golden boy kyle who probably has a lot of demons and #idk i get the feeling he's got some sort of secret addiction or really dark past...something i think fb stan can sense in his aura #do i give fb stan the stan-a-thesia #idk but he can tell that hes putting on some kind of act #something about maybe having wendy become wendyl #and end up in fingerbang just seems dramatic and interesting to me and really explores sexuality and gender identity #fb stan is repressed that whole fanfic by the way holy shit #i guess its enemies to lovers again #i love drama #i feel like butters is butters and not marjorine #but maybe also transitions through my fake fic #why do i kind of like midwest emo stans twang deep country backwoods colorado accent and his awkward stammer #kyles voice is beautiful by the way he also can do ballet <333 #he is very cute stan is sick all the time its so bad #OKAY IM DONE ARE WE OBSESSED #oh god what if i had finger bang order city wok #and stan deliver it oh my god #luv my fake fic #where is the prissy preppy rich boy kyle visits tegridy farms and has a paris hilton simple life moment and gets chased by the farm animals #and doesnt know how to milk cows or shuck corn or anything and stan driving the tractor and pitching bails of hay shirtless #that is the content i want to see

[rosekasa]

I really needed to hear that abt the social media thingy. I've spent quite literally years trying to be popular and be like every other famous artist I see and it has never helped, only I started hating my art more.

big hugs anon. i was talking about this to my best friend last night because i think believing the grass is greener on the other side is such a deceptively destructive thing. the desire to have popularity is something i really struggled to fully shake off before i realised that even when i achieved 'popularity' (i.e., when i reached the numbers i thought would give me satisfaction) i didnt feel any better. i didnt feel like i accomplished anything. in fact i usually just felt Worse, because i was like, wow, for years ive dreamed about breaking 1k on a text post and now that i have i dont feel any better. what's the point?

it made me realise that, without fail, anytime we crave something, it's because we crave whatever feeling we think it'll give us. to me, popularity meant allowing myself to feel loveable and valuable and like i could enjoy posting with the confidence that my thoughts matter. it meant feeling good about myself and my creations and like im always so excited to create, rather than feeling obligated. it meant feeling free and loved!! and as i embodied that more it was so funny how the physical manifestations of those things started showing themselves. and it didnt even feel like a big deal because i already had the feelings i wanted

sorry for such a long response zhdkska i just have. so many feelings about this. being trapped in the thought process that getting a specific thing will make me happy has caused me so much pain in my life, always after the thing actually happens.

#weight loss mention for these tags: #this hit me particularly during the worst part of my ed #because the problem had never actually been when my weight was far away from my goal #it was when i got closer and closer to my goal but i was frustrated that i wasnt feeling the accomplishments i was working towards #when i realised that my goal was actually attainable it was like my brain was so used to the feeling of chasing Something Else constantly #that it sabotaged me so badly #that's when the sickness was at its Worst. not when i actually weighed more and was just enjoying making healthy meals and working out #it's the same thing with social media i think #it's really fun when you have 100 followers to create an intense posting schedule and churn stuff out everyday #bc ur like look! im working towards getting popular and therefore Happy! #but when you suddenly have your notifications filled and you're scrolling through what you've been wanting for years #and it makes you feel Nothing #that feels so inexplicably bad #i think setting goals is important. but i think knowing why is more important #ask #anon

[cawziiku]

I'm not gonna be responding to these anymore, I don't want to have to think about this rn, but I'm keeping the posts up

#phandom #dp #this isnt me backing down im just taking a sick day and Do Not need this rn #actually disgusting that this many people in our community is just. openly okay with this #and theyre turning it on me. as if im the one glorifying it wtf #not allowing asks on main #i really dont want to associate with this fandom anymore. any hope i had for it not being that bad is lost on me #and i hate drama and negativity and i feel like im fsrming that by responding to so many of these #i deleted a lot of other responses i was too tiref to deal with but still #might just block phandom tags altogether. i just dont know atp #ive had literally only two sane people respond out of the dozen unhinged messages #and that just doesnt feel good at all honesty. like what happened #sorry if this is overdramatic in anyway. i originally just dropped a post i thought no one would see #cause viewing this content after having blocked tags was disturbing to me #and a lot of people saw it. and a majority of those people were very outwardly okay w this #i dont gaf if its fiction. if you fantasize about that sort of thing youre disgusting and i wsnt nothing to do with you. end of story #tw pompuspep #tw

[anawrites3]

Dick halted before passing the living room entrance, taken aback by the scene he witnessed. When he left - and it's worth noting, only for a minute or two - his father and his fiance sat as far away from each other as sofas and armchairs arrangement allowed it. They weren't exactly engaged in even moderately polite conversation but /at least/ they weren't arguing as well. It wasn't that bad. Now although...

To be completely honest, Dick wasn't sure what happened. They were still sitting in the same places, still not talking, and still not even looking at each other. The atmosphere shifted a little, that was one of the signs that he missed something possibly important. There were more signs, probably way more giving, such as frozen meat Bruce held to the left side of his face, or smeared blood under Slade's nose and his beard that looked like he tried to wipe it quickly.

Of course.

"The fuck?" he asked pointedly looking at Alfred, the picture of elegance and composure, standing straight in the corner of the room.

"Master Bruce and Mister Wilson had a...disagreement" butler explained throwing one of his disapproving looks their way.

Of fucking course.

"It was quickly resolved" to that, Dick noted, Alfred seemed to look a little too self-satisfied "and I proposed something cold to cool gentlemen down. And for the damage, obviously. Mister Wilson refused."

Bruce only murmured something unhappily but Slade was rather stubborn about getting on Alfred's bad side, like refusing his polite act of mercy wasn't enough. "I'll heal in an hour, no need for that sh-"

It's going to be a long evening.

Anon this is BRILLIANT!! Amazing writing too!! Ahhh its so good!!

Bruce and Slade are trying their best to not fight each other but only when Dick is in the same room 😂 They don't even mind Alfred there lmao I love it, I wonder what they were thinking when they started that fight - they had to know that Dick will be back soon 🤣 It's "We'll act like nothing happened, maybe he won't notice" kinda thing 😂💕💕 amazing

I love the idea so much, let me add a bit to that 👀

"I swear to God, you are worse than children." Dick let a sigh escape his lips as he sat down on the sofa, right in the middle of the room. That way he was sitting evenly in between both Bruce and Slade, and they both looked conflicted whether to move closer to him or stay where they are, as far away from the other man as possible.

"He started it." Bruce complained under his breath and Dick sent him a pointed look.

"I really don't care who started, Bruce. And it's not like it matters anyway, you both are way too old to act like this."

Slade crossed his arms over his chest with a mumbled complain and leaned back against the armchair he was sitting on. Dick glanced at the blood still smeared over his face and stood up again with another sigh.

"I can't believe you two, I literally left for three minutes!"

"A lot can happen in that time."

"Yeah, I can see that." Dick remarked, bitter. "Fighting, making a mess of yourselves-"

He reached for a tissue to gently clean up Slade's face. The blood stopped running already thanks to the man's healing factor but his nose still was fractured if not broken from the punch. It would take a while to heal and while Slade got way more serious injuries on daily basis, it still must've hurt like hell.

Dick looked down at the button-down shirt Slade was wearing, at a few drops of blood that got on it and let a small pout enter his face.

"My favorite shirt too..." he lamented quietly.

Bruce looked away. Slade shifted a bit in his place, uncomfortable. Good, they should feel bad about it!

"I can wash it out, it's just some blood." Slade assured him with a half-shrug. His rough fingers found Dick's wrist and squeezed gently. "Or I can buy another one like this."

"I don't want you to buy another stupid shirt, I want you both to stop fighting!"

"Dick-"

"Little bird-"

"No! Shut up, I don't want to hear it!" Dick snapped, taking a step back to glare at both of them. "You're both important to me and I'm so fed up with all your stupid fighting! You are going to start acting like adults and learn how to live around each other without trying to kill each other!"

Bruce ran his hand down his face, suddenly looking tired.

"You know it's not that easy, chum."

"It is! You're my dad and Slade is my fiance, I'm not going to give up on either of you because you don't like each other!"

"It's Deathstroke, Dick! This has nothing to do with disliking, this man killed thousands-"

"I love it when you're calling me your fiance." Slade hummed with an easy smirk as if Bruce didn't speak at all. He sent Bruce a look over Dick's shoulder and enjoyed the way Wayne tensed. "Can't wait until we change it to 'husband' though."

Bruce clenched his jaw with so much force that Dick worried about his teeth. He hated being reminded that Deathstroke would soon become a part of his family and Slade knew it far too well.

"You're not helping, Slade!" Dick hissed.

Slade looked back to him and pressed his lips to Dick's wrist before pulling him onto his laps. Bruce leapt up from his place.

"Not really trying to."

Dick screamed.

#anon #sladick #dickstroke #thank you again anon!! #its great #hope you don't mind me adding to it 👉👈 #i never know if its okay but i couldnt stop myself its so good!! #i love it so much #my reply #my writing #dad bruce #slade feels kinda bad but he's too much of an asshole to admit it #and he likes annoying bruce okay #serves him right after messing up his contracts all the time #he'll make it up to dick later #im sure bruce and slade will make up one day #alfred quietly watching the drama to share it later with jason #oh and sorry it took me so long to reply anon!! I'll be better #im just sick rn and had a few things to take care of so didnt have much time earlier #but i got really happy when i got your ask!! #love you #you really made my day!

[recapitulation]

yowch 🧍‍♂️

#ok medical tmi in the tags -> #ok i think ive pinpointed what frustrates me abt telling people i dont feel well #like it almost feels like a lie or just something i shouldnt talk abt bc like. ive been in a place docs would call 'bad' for like. 5-6 yrs #but within that time what i have felt has been SO varied. like. week to week day to day i the types of symptoms are so different #like this week ive been in a lot more pain but its been like isolated 5-10mins of very distressing pain. w almost nothing at other times #accopanied w like a really concerning amt of bathroom trips including like 3x a night which sucks for my sleep #and also my commute to work 🧍‍♂️ #but like i remember in college there were periods where my number 1 distressing symptom was cramping throughout the day #or there have been periods where nausea and lack of appetite is the thing that worries me the most #idk now that ive typed that out it sounds so similar like its all gi symptoms. but it FEELS so different. its like a different illness #but to most other ppl its like. ive been sick with this one thing forever #idk idk i know most illnesses are kind of fluid like this and im not alone #but when ppl ask me how im doing and im like. well bad. its like i dont know how to express that its such a different bad than last tues #and like the degree of bad def changes but theyre all still bad. how do u communicate that esp to healthy ppl #oughghgghh im just. feeling so bad in such a diff way. its been a week but my pain has been real high #and like Dude. i am losing fluids 🧍‍♂️

[caffeinatedopossum]

It's kind of jarring to be reminded that everyone around me has always had more than me (aside from a select few). Like I just forget until it comes down to something mundane like buying shoes and I don't know my shoe size because for most of my life I've had one pair of shoes that I wear until they break. And it was usually something someone either got me as a gift (horrified that my shoes were wearing out. As if thats not what shoes do when you wear them) or they were passed down and I grew into them.

Like that's just normal for me. It doesn't bother me either, this isn't a pity party. It's just surreal that it bothers other people sometimes

#i don't really feel like ive been that poor either #most of the things i needed and didnt get were things me/my family could have afforded but refused to #i figured 'if I'd rather save up my money to get some new coloring books than to buy some new shoes i probably dont need them that bad' #maybe those are decisions they havent had to make #i cant be jealous because i cant imagine what thats like #i simply cant imagine it #oof now im remembering the only time i actually had to ask for new shoes and i didnt #i was growing out of my shoes and getting blisters from it but i kept putting off getting new shoes #because idk i guess it just didnt bother me that much until it started to hurt really bad #and i didnt want to ask my mom for anything either because yeah #she was the type of parent you dont ask for things from #eventually someone else noticed and said something along the lines of 'if you dont get him new shoes then i will' to my mom #and then she got mad that i didnt tell her? #it was all so confusing to me then but i understand why now. she just wanted to hide the neglect. she didnt really care about anything else #its why everything was fine and she never thought i needed anything until someone else said something about it #even with my eating disorder... she knew what i was doing but she didnt interfere until someone else told her i looked sick #but that wasnt until years after the problem started. funny how that works isnt it

[pinkseas]

my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode

#emeto tw #emeto cw #in tags -> #i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse #like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but #i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing #i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck) #and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just. #easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH #and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story #and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc #ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there #she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back #and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it) #i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow #bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again #and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT #SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS #like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it' #but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay. #surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD #alyalyoxenfree

[whomturgled]

:^(

#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^ #thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too #n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but #also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH #n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl #just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh #to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha #anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE #but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like #an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse #its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow #i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee #but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others #like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺 #im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh #instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some #of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess #idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad #for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow #and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea #YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future #whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now. #god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u #feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr #It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!

[error404-drawnotfound]

The knowing I need hours to make money but hating my work so the internal dialog plays with myself when my boss who disrespects my time and effort asks me to come in on a day I'm not scheduled because he refuses to schedule me more than 2 days because of the risk I might get a migrane despite me not having any control over that and when other people call out it's fine and yhey don't get unreasonably punished

#hey guys i need you to pay shipping so i can get your - #- bags to you #vent post #i am so ucking sick of my boss i hate him with my life #i dont want to go but i need money to ship out kickstarter rewards because kickstarter didnt allow me to charge for shipping and its been - #- so long that i would feel bad about asking people to pay shipping even tho i really need them to because i cant fucking pay out of pocket- #-because its like 25$ for shipping out one bag and i have to ship out at least 100 single bags but i dont want to seem like im begging for- #-scraps and im not good with words so i have no clue how to really ask and go like and im loosing my mind because i hate my job but i need #im rambling but im so fucking stressed about it

[steffigraf]

………….

#im continuing my rambling here #man you can really tell i forgot to take my antidepressants today god #anyway yeah sorry for all the ranting its just that like #i feel bad for not being rly into the wta #but then that makes me examine WHY i feel bad about that #cause i mean being a wta fan doesn’t make anyone morally superior #but there’s still part of me that’s uncomfortable abt how in the sport where women are given such a high degree of attention (comparatively) #i still ended up choosing the men. and i have to ask myself WHY #and maybe its not that deep #but i just feel like every time i talk about the wta it’s performative. and its like. what am i trying to prove. what is wrong with me. #and anyway why am i even treating the wta like some sort of platform to prove my own feminism or smth. like. its not meant to be that. #cause now its like. if i get into them now am i doing it because i enjoy watching them as athletes or bc im trying to prove smth to myself #and like. the latter is just so insulting to women’s tennis as a whole that just thinking that that’s what i’m doing makes me sick #ugh. i need to stop overthinking this i know i just. ughhh. #i feel like an impostor here #i felt like that with the atp at first but now that i’m more familiar with them i’m finding new ways to feel like an impostor in this space!

[cutearose]

okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for

#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help #so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track #n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all #i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone #but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement #i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past #i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired #i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them #bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant #my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip #especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all #but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me #but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn #but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap #posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public #i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this #n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway #n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me #i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point #idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway #like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff #these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help #i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help #love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao #anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.

[dockaspbrak]

The night time dread is so severe rn;;;

#im slipping into a habit of insomnia i fear #and that what i dread??? i dont know!!!! #nightmares usually but its like. everything. fear of continuing. fear of ending #i miss regan when she sleeps and dread the transistion of evening into bed time #ive been trying to artificially run from it more lately like #trying to cook stuff at night #i have my drawing supplies like im gonna draw in the dark #its just. im sick rn still and maybe. its like. the feeling bad? #idk ive always had a hatred to bed time. i think its bc my parents used to force me to sleep really early and i resented that #idk tho #id ask regan but shes asleep #what good is a dr girlwife if she sleeps #i wish neither of us ever had to sleep again #fuck thetes something wrong with me fr #anyway.....hope youre doing ok if you read all this. feel free to message me if u wanna talk haha #the night is so long and so quiet and so full of dread i wish it would end and i also fear the sunrise #its like im a tortured vampire or smth

[caruliaa]

ugh.

#IDK WHAT BEEN UP W ME RECENTLY. ugh #ive been so tired always i feel and like. easily distracted and i feel like im being a shit friend bc im so bad w messaging back and stuff #i havent seven been remembering to log into discord recently whats up w me #ugh idk. it just sucks i feel like im suddenly drained of all my energy and its affecting everything. ugh #and like i wanna talk more than i am to my friends i ike talking to them im just. idk im j too tired for anything somehow #and idek how and im so sick of this version of myself i become sometimes were i cant do the most basic of talking to people #even when i really want to. idk. #on that note im rly sorry for not answering sending asks nd sneding them i just. idk i have to go to sleep #or the problem of me being so tired is just gonna get worse im sorry. gn ilu<3 #(also j to clarify no one is making me feel tht way or anything i j kinda do. el oh el)

[strwbrymlkshake]

I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀

#mine #🎸 #DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an #ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao #First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off #But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me #i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere #i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3 #but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way #but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous #at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like #a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes #but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so #bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them #because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a #good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to #BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me?? #and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance #watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong #my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that #feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY #HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird #one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing #where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh #right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also #literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?

[szczylpierdolony]

.

#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays #i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test #and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment #and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry #my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being #weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor #and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill #but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying #and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully #so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die #i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive #i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading #speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die #also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams #bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be #crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street #also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time #and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it #i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus #and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself #tw suicide mention