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theminecraftbee · 5 months

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"Well hello there Secret Keeper!" Scar says, chipper. "It's a bea-ut-i-ful day today here on the Secret Life server, and I'm here for my daily hearts for winning! I have to say, it is gorgeous today. Really a lot easier to keep the rain away without other players, what with sleeping through the night not being a problem at all! Did you know, by the way, that sleeping and rain are connected? I didn't until recently, but by golly, they sure are! Can you imagine? The world is full of so many strange things."

The Secret Keeper, being a big dumb stone statue, doesn't reply. Scar's beginning to think it's just rude. It sure replies whenever he hits the button, which is the first step in his morning routine these days. He's gotten better at dodging damage, really, even with the nearly infinite hearts! He's just not so good at dodging skeletons and creepers and such that he shouldn't top off every day.

He hits the button. He feels his health return to him. He gets a new task: Win Secret Life.

He snorts, a little bitter, to himself as he reads it and folds it into his pocket. "You know, I don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky that you're such a moron that you don't know what winning means. Your machine is broken."

No response, again, because the Secret Keeper is, as established, a big old dumb rock. Well, whatever. Besides, if he lingers on resentment and upset for too long, it might catch up with him! He's certainly let it catch up with him before. Why, a few days after he'd won, when he really had it sink in that he was for-real alone on a server covered in lightning burn marks and blood, he had a bit of a breakdown! There was sobbing, screaming, yelling at the world, the whole works! And when no one responded then, well--

"Did I just call you a moron? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that!" Scar says. "You know how I get sometimes. The world is beautiful and warm, but sometimes it gets a little hard to breathe around here! Now, where were we... oh, right! The trading post terraforming project! Now, we hit a bit of a snag the other day, what with the wandering traders I'd caught all sort of--dying--and all that, but luckily, more of them might show up any moment, and they really are vital to making the place feel alive and breathing. So today we're taking a break from that to build up some trees!"

He waves his arms like someone is listening. He'd like to imagine someone is. Grian told him he won--just because all the ghosts are quiet now doesn't mean they aren't there! And if that was a moment of temporary insanity, well, he probably--he needs to think it's not, is the thing! He absolutely needs to think it's not.

He hums and gathers more logs. His makeshift tree farms are pretty nice, if he does say so himself. He pauses as he hears distant howling and sighs. "I guess we will also be spending today cleaning up the wolf population! I swear, I have no idea what those people were thinking making a wolf spawner. A man takes a nap for a day and then the entire server is overrun with stupid white animals! And you know, I do hate having to cull the things, but, well, you know me. I've learned how to kill pretty well, I think, and really, dogs are easier to kill than people."

He grabs a sword from his chest and sharpens it. He keeps it perfectly clean so that there isn't too much blood on it. Good thing, too; most of the blood would probably be his. He's a bit clumsy, after all. He cuts his fingers on it all the time. No matter how well he bandages up his hands, he just keeps making them bleed, drip, drip, dripping blood on every path he walks down. No matter how hard he works to clean up his massive building projects, the little splatters of blood follow him, so he's sticking to dark colors where he can.

The flowers will probably show the blood, he thinks. The flowers and trees he's building. Hopefully, the blood doesn't stand out too much. It feels wrong, in a world where there are no bodies.

He stands up. He heads in the direction of today's pack of unwanted pests. He sighs. "You know, I know your question is, well gosh, Scar! All the previous winners died. When are you going to finish it off and kill yourself? And wow, that's a pretty dark question. You should be ashamed of yourself for asking, really." He laughs. It's not funny. Who cares.

Instead, he shakes his head.

"And, well, you have to understand. I'm not done building yet! I can make my base so much nicer looking! And besides, you're still handing me hearts. If I get hurt, I can just come back and get more from you! If you want to die, you have to kill me yourself. You fucking cowards!"

No response.

He sighs. "Well, that's enough of that for today. Sorry, I'm feeling kind of morose. It's all this sunshine! Can't be good for a man. Did you know populated servers rain more often than unpopulated ones? It's true! It's because people don't sleep enough. But here I am, getting all the sleep I need. Now, time to go kill some dogs and build some trees! I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon, can you?"

His hands hurt. He ignores it. He ignores a lot of hurt, these days. It's not like it's hard.

#secret life smp #goodtimeswithscar #a bee fic #implied/referenced suicide #implied/referenced self harm #SO UH. HOW ABOUT THAT SCAR NOT DYING IN THE END NONSENSE HUH.#trying to write this all very much in scar's voice was fun. dark premise. goofy guy. result: this.#also i DO love occasionally giving a character who otherwise wouldn't exactly ONE precision swear-word. very fun.

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wyrdle · 8 months

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A very important phone call

Quick doodly comic. I had some ideas about Marceline contacting Simon at the finale episode. Something something reaching out to your suicidal loved ones. The sweater thing was just to pull back to episode 2, when Simon helps re-stitch Marceline's dress button.

For reference:

#fionna and cake #simon petrikov #marceline abadeer #fionna and cake spoilers #adventure time #adventure time fanart #fionna and cake fanart #comic #comics #fanart #cw suicide #implied #i like to think the crown represents that #and just #simon at the end of his tether #I wish the show gave him more reasons to look forward to living

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hanafubukki · 9 months

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Death.

That’s what would end this dream.

But it wasn’t fair, this was supposed to be a happy dream was it not?

But someone needed to die in order for Lilia to wake up.

In order for them to stop Malleus.

It would be cruel to have Mallenoa die in front of Lilia, in a dream that was supposed to end happily.

It would be too much if any of you were to cause such a demise.

But any other answer would be just as cruel.

The devoted son? No, that would break Lilia.

The overly loyal prodigee? No, that would add trauma and guilt for Lilia and might affect his relationship with Baul.

Grim had little to no ties with Lilia, his death would not cause him to wake up nor would you allow any harm to come to him.

…so that left only one answer.

Yours.

It would have to be the shock from your death that would awaken everyone from this dream.

Your hands shook.

Will this work?

And if it didn’t, what would happen to you? To the others? To Malleus?

As you stare at Mallenoa and the victorious fae army celebrating their win against the Knight of Dawn.

You had made a choice.

You breathed.

Deep breathes in.

Deep breaths out.

You swiftly turned.

I’m so sorry.

You knew your choice would bring pain to a number of people. Lilia and Malleus, who would lose a sister and mother respectively. They would also loose you if anything went wrong in this dream and reality.

Sebek, Silver, and Grim would feel devastated at not being able to stop you.

But this was the only way and the one least painful.

…you hoped.

You had never confessed your feelings to Lilia. You didn’t have the chance to, especially after he announced his departure.

And you couldn’t be selfish and weigh him down with your feelings.

But you hoped he cared enough about you that it would work. That the fleeing glances from General Lilia was an indicator of his feelings for you.

You allowed your self to be selfish just this once. You hoped that you would be enough to wake him up because anything else would be too painful.

If not, then at least it was just your death and the least painful of the four.

If this doesn’t work, I can at least keep Malleus company��despite his inky self and how awkward it might be.

By now, you can hear voices questioning what you were doing. You can hear the alarms in their voices as you near the edge of a cliff without any falter in your steps.

You turn around, there’s barely any space left between you and the air that would welcome you.

The others are in varying degrees of panic.

General Lilia had noticed the commotion by now, his eyes widening as he took in your form.

Good, he would be too far to get to you in time.

You smiled at them.

It will be alright.

…you fell back.

…only to wake up gasping back in Diasomnia’s lounge.

With several gasps echoing right after yours.

Part 2

#tw death #tw suicide implied #tw suicide #<- just in case #twst angst #first two tags implied since it is a dream world and not reality #Lilia Vanrouge #lilia vanrouge x reader #twst lilia vanrouge #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x you #hurt no comfort #kind of #open ending ish #hopefully ending #ambiguous ending

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transmasccofee · 9 months

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the dangers of being God

(read left to right)

#saiki k #art tag #saiki k fanart #saiki kusuo #comic #this took me 14 hours i did not take breaks and i started actually crying near the end so uh. please enjoy it guys.#Ill be very sad if you dont #tw suicide implied #kinda #just to be safe tho

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sonknuxadow · 4 months

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i drew these while i was playing shth a few months ago and dont think i ever posted them . well theyre relevant now

#cant believe fucking black doom of all characters is relevant in 2024 #i care about sonic x shadow generations ONLY for the shadow content idgaf about generations getting a remaster #sonic the hedgehog #sth #shadow the hedgehog #my art #suicide mention #its only implied but im tagging just in case .#you know the ending where shadow is like i should have never been created and vector is like dont kill yourself... YET !

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cherry-bomb1985 · 1 month

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I feel like The Father and Hell both understand and experience love in all the worst ways.

The Father sought to create a life form that would follow and love him unconditionally. It wasn't enough that he had a great cosmic kingdom of angels who are unquestioningly loyal, no, he needed something that knew suffering and mortality and the threat of oblivion, and would still find love at the end; love for him above all else. But after numerous implied failures at that, in his desperation, he instead created the threat of eternal damnation to force them to love him in order avert that fate. Lucifer's words must have been like a splash of cold water, but by the time he realized sheer magnitude of suffering he had unintentionally set into motion, it was too late. He could not destroy Hell; he could not stop the cycle of violence.

That guilt drove him to seek a death that, from the looks of it, eluded him in spite of the hollowness consuming him. And now he is... somewhere, helpless to stop his experiments from consuming one another and themselves in a glorious show of blood and violence.

And then there's Hell itself, who seems to recognize love as an act of violence and cruelty. It is something that derives joy only from the suffering of other living creatures. God gave it so many toys to hurt and break and reform, and Mankind gave it new ones. Why would it understand love as anything but? It gave Minos a facsimile of the son he is most ashamed of, and delighted when he cast it, once more, into a labyrinth. Gabriel flattened all the souls within it's confines beneath his heel and gave those that did bend false hopes.

Now there's V1, tearing its way through the remaining layers and creating a spectacle of violence like nothing Hell has ever witnessed before. How could it not love them all for all the entertainment they've provided?

But deep within its recesses, hidden away from the eyes of Heaven, there was a Gutterman. A machine built for war, who eventually came to love that which it gave it life at the cost of their own. Enough to give the human welded within their coffin the mercy that both Heaven and Hell had denied them; enough to write a single love letter to them, even knowing that it would never be read by its intended recipient.

So, as things turn out, you /can/ teach a machine to love. And they will understand and experience it more sincerely than God or Hell ever could.

#ULTRAKILL #ULTRAKILL spoilers #Mind you this is all just speculation #We still don't know if Hell is aware that the machines will inevitably try to consume it too once the souls and demons run dry #and if it is then whether or not it has a plan to stop that from happening or if it actually /wants/ to be destroyed #or perhaps--like Father like creation--it simply thinks it /cannot/ be destroyed #and we certainly still don't know where God fucked off to after his suicide attempt or why #If he left to seek the end of his days elsewhere #Or--as the first testament might imply--if he's got a new angle #Sorry 7-S got my brain buzzing and there's not a whole lot of game left to get the answers to those particular questions #If they are intended to be answered at all or simply left unknown by the blank slate boomer shooter protagonist #through which we all experience this wild ride #Anyways not a lot of this fandom talks about the Testaments effectively being God's vent posts #and I find both amusement and mild horror at their very existence

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shikai-the-storyteller · 3 months

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Man.... I can't stop thinking about Pac and the Risus Pill arc

Pac saying he took the pills because he didn't have any other choice, he was so hopeless he wants to take them until he doesn't remember anything

Pac saying "At least I’m not crying in some random corner in the Island expecting my friends to come save me, and nobody comes save me"

And then the thing he said immediately before that: "I lost my friend, I lost my friend’s friend, I lost my Egg, I lost my child, I lost everything, I'm– I was completely hopeless– so yeah, maybe I wanna be drugged and live my miserable but happy life. At least I’m not in that saddest place anymore."

The blood at Chume Labs

The three graves at Chume Labs

The message he wrote to Cellbit asking Cellbit to kill him if things got too bad, then changing it and saying "lock me up" instead.

The conversation with Fit, Fit pleading with him, and Pac saying "I don’t want to go back to that bad and sad place."

Pac, despite his grief and depression, finding an antidote and saving himself (with the help of his friends)

Literally everything from the Risus Pill arc makes me so heartbroken

#i talk #qsmp talk #the crazy thing is is I still haven't seen the stream where they give Pac the antidote #I was busy that day and rushed home trying to catch the tail-end of the stream #and made the mistake of leaving Twitch open on my phone on the counter as I hopped in the shower #and then mid-shampoo I just heard a SCREAM from my phone and I was like ''UH OH''#didn't get a noise complaint but it scared the hell out of me #I never did find that clip of him and Cellbit talking after everything went down and he was cured #but I remember the quotes from it #aghhhh #suicide mention #sorta implied #ask to tag #I'm briefly touching upon the Risus arc in my fic but I really want to dig more into the arc #I know it'll just make me sad though #tw drugs #drug mention #addiction #qsmp analysis

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bugflies00 · 1 year

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a deafening silence

#quick exile comic both for upcoming exile anniversary & because some of those dsmp play posts made me ill #shoutout to that one person who talked about there being no music for the entirety of exile ur partly responsible for this one #tommyinnit #dream smp #mcyt #tommyinnit fanart #dream smp fanart #mcyt fanart #tw suicide #tw implied suicide #tw suicide attempt #well not in the end but yknow .#alex.arts.jpg

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aftgficrec · 1 month

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oh i caught you open! can we get some either andrew & kevin or neil & kevin being best friends and supporting each other? i feel like they're not explored enough and the potential is right there :)

Luckily, Kevin and Andrew’ friendship is a topic the fandom is pretty interested in. So much so that we’ve split this ask. In this post we’re concentrating entirely on Andrew and Kevin, Neil & Kevin’s friendship will be will be addressed in another ask. - S

Some previous recs:

Andrew & Kevin’s friendship here

Kevin & Andrew’s relationship here

Kevin as Andrew’s best friend here

Kevin’s friendship with Andreil here

‘Where The Wild Things Are’ here

‘I know that you'll come if you want’ here

‘N for nebulous’, ‘And Then There Was One’ and ‘Wear it to Eden's’ here

‘Reckless’ here

‘Trust Me’ here

‘Searchlights’ here

‘fugue in red’ here

splinters beneath our nails by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 3719 words, complete, 2023]

Andrew hasn’t decided what to do about Kevin Day. A few days ago, he’d have said that Kevin was dead to him. If things had gone differently, that might still be true. Today, he walks up to the car and throws open the door.

Not again by LetThemCuddle [Rated G, 698 words, complete, 2023]

Andrew circled the stony striker when silence answered him. “Hello? Anybody home? The answer is yes, a lot of nobodies, just one is missing. I’ll give you three guesses.” “Pass.” “Never took you for a quitter. This is quite refreshing.” The goalie quipped, lighting a smoke. “Come on, the cars’ still running.” “I’m going to stay here.” Kevin’s quiet voice echoed through the abandoned stadium. Somber, lacking the usual spiteful energy he towed.

right on time by dayurno [Not Rated, 10915 words, complete, Aftg Mixtape Exchange 2023]

"Has your Butcher called back yet?" Oh. “No,” Kevin replies, frowning slightly. “It’s understandable. He is a busy man.” “Kevin Day making excuses,” pulling away, Andrew puts down, “at this rate, you might just write his name on the margins of your books with hearts around it.” “What? No, why would I do that?” “Why wouldn’t you?” Kevin gives him a perplexed look. “Andrew, do you think I like the Butcher of Baltimore?” Alternatively, when the Butcher of Baltimore issues an order for his subordinates to bring him his childhood idol, he forgets what his choice of career entails. Kevin would hold it against him if he didn't find the man so fascinating.

tw: (accidental) kidnapping

Rescue Me by Demiwitchwoodwalker [Rated T, 4564 words, complete, 2022]

“I can protect you, from him and yourself,” Andrew said in a tone Kevin couldn’t quite place after a long moment filled with nothing but the muffled noise of the game playing on Kevin’s laptop. “I can help you stay instead of running further or back.” Kevin stared at him then, finally letting himself actually look at him, and the same feeling from before returned, feeling like a hand clenched itself around his lungs and heart. He pushed his laptop closed, the game’s audio abruptly cutting off, and turned slightly to face Andrew, whose expression had shifted back into the grin that seemed to constantly be present in the day and whose eyes looked almost dead. Kevin’s lips parted, words rising in the back of his throat, but he couldn’t get them past his tongue. How was he supposed to do this? The memory of Andrew the night before floated through his mind again, when he was as close to sober as he could get, more vulnerable than Kevin felt he’d ever seen a person despite the fact that Kevin was the one halfway through a breakdown. "Why?" --- Aka, how Kevin and Andrew make their deal. (Potential triggers are listed in the tags, please be careful!)

tw: self harm, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced suicidal thoughts

The Tide by zoeellendraws [Rated G, 20473 words, complete, 2022]

Kevin and Andrew participate in a showcase that could make or break their ballet careers and discover a promising new talent in the process. Or Mysterious Ballet AU

tw: implied/referenced violence

I came for the safety (stayed 'cause you made me feel) by Charcoalll [Rated M, 4621 words, complete, 2021]

“Day? We’re gonna get you out of here okay? Minyard’s gonna make sure you get out of here and down to the bus” Kevin looked over Wymack’s shoulder where he could see the figure of the small blonde man. Kevin nodded, how could he do anything but nod? These people were sticking out their neck for him in a way he couldn’t remember anyone doing before. No words could ever describe his thankfulness. Or: A little glimpse into Andrew and Kevin's relationship before, during and after AftG.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced alcohol abuse

biting down by vincevangothh [Rated T, 2257 words, complete, Aftg Exchange 2017]

kevin learns that in order to understand something, you have to allow yourself to learn, and talks to andrew about neil. '“Did I or did I not tell you that you have asked as many free questions as you are permitted to today?” This time, as Andrew snaps, Kevin hears it. “Free?” he asks around a mouthful of rice, swallowing hastily before he continues. “So if I give you something, I can ask more?” It's a rhetorical question, but Andrew grants him a small nod anyway. “Neil and I have - had - a thing.” Kevin agonisingly anticipates his next words as Andrew scoops up another mouthful of food. Static silence stretches out between them until he swallows again. “Truth for truth. For everything you ask me, I ask you something.” “Deal.”'

Reasons by orphan_account [Rated T, 1895 words, complete, 2016]

“You took me with you when you recruited him,” Andrew muttered, but he knew Kevin was listening. They both knew that it was the closest Andrew could get to a thank you, so they both kept quiet. A list of the times Andrew met Kevin, interwoven with the list of times Andrew met Neil.

Kevin, Andrew and their friendship by @andrews-jort-loving-pipe-dream [tumblr, 2023]

“Why are we here?” “I'm here because it's Josten's birthday next week. You're here because you can't be alone.”

Andrew and Kevin watching a movie together after one of them wakes up from a nightmare. by @foxesbettingpool [tumblr, 2018]

He’d been up the majority of the night, wasting away on a bean bag chair with textbooks, papers, and a mountain of notes surrounding him.

tw: nightmares

Future Andrew & Kevin hc by @thepalmtoptiger [tumblr, 2018]

Andrew and Kevin stay close friends after leaving the Foxes and going pro.

Kevin asks Andrew to be his best man hc by @palmettofoxden [tumblr, 2017]

Kevin asks Andrew to be his best man at his wedding and Andrew just stands up and walks out of the room without answering or even reacting.

Art

andrew & kevin brotp edit by @mint-and-memories

Andrew and Kevin meme art by @foxhole-doodles

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hyperfixated-homo · 7 months

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screaming

#rottmnt #tmnt #leonardo #rottmnt leo #god i want to. how does one trigger warning this #tw blood #tw implied blood #tw suicide #tw implied suicide #tw horror #tw face horror #didnt know THAT was a thing #anyways. i WOULD draw this literally the day after the spooky season ends wouldn't i #shadow draws #art

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sonic-adventure-3 · 1 year

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in the semi-hero endings of shadow the hedgehog (2005), shadow thinks he was responsible for the ark tragedy, and the deaths of everyone on board, including maria. all the possible sequences in the game are named and numbered. here are some shth semi-hero ending sequence names that physically hurt me:

semi-hero hero (the ending where shadow thinks his existence was a mistake and that he never should have been created, and intends to avenge the victims of the ark):

026 “along with my home”

076 “shadow’s second death…?”

170 “requiem for the heavens”

182 “compensation for a miracle”

212 “at the end of the journey”

260 “tears shed by the stars”

298 “galaxy’s requiem”

310 “lost to the universe’s abyss”

324 “the self-imposed seal”

semi-hero dark (the ending where shadow becomes the protector of the empty ark for the rest of time, regarding it as sacred):

135 “a vow for the victims”

153 “together with maria…”

219 “eternally drifting”

275 “the reason i was born”

279 “a genius scientist’s lineage”

305 “sleeping on hallowed ground”

309 “funeral procession in space”

323 “coffin of memories”

#I FEEL SICK!!!!!!#SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP #CRYING FR RN #THERE ARE 76 SEMI-HERO ENDING NAMES MAN.#god the semi hero endings mess me up man. WHAT SEMI-HERO HERO IMPLIES!!!!! AUGHHH!!!!#SEMI-HERO DARK WHERE HE LIVES THE REST OF ETERNITY SURROUNDED BY GHOSTS #FUCK MAN! FUCK!#rambles #shth05 #JUST AGH!! AGH!!! REQUIEM AS IN A SONG PLAYED FOR THE DEAD!! THE VERY GALAXY. THE UNIVERSE MOURNS HIS LOSS #TOGETHER WITH MARIA! TOGETHER WITH MARIA IM LOSING IT #A GENIUS SCIENTIST’S LINEAGE. SHADOW IS A ROBOTNIK FR #FUCK!!!!!!!#suicide mention

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art--harridan · 7 months

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[Image description: A digital painting of Juliet Capulet from the film Romeo + Juliet. She's looking upwards while pointing the "dagger" pistol towards her head. Her eyes and cheeks are wet with tears. Her mouth is set in a line. Below her, over a panel of red, it says "o' happy dagger!" in a white font. The colours used for the piece are quite warm, giving the piece a sunny feel. The painting is comprised of colour blocking and hatching.]

Inktober - Day 15 (Dagger)

Film - Romeo + Juliet (Baz Luhrmann, 1996)

#romeo + juliet #romeo + juliet fanart #inktober #inktober 2023 #juliet capulet #juliet capulet fanart #digital art #implied suicide #cant say much cos im watch a 3 hour film... 😒#my brothers choice... ... ..#anyway good film 👍👍👍#i studied the play for my gcses lol #my fave parts are mercutio at the party and the end scene #which #the song of the day is exit music (for a film) by radiohead <3 #made for the film! btw!!

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lazyapperence9754 · 7 months

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“If I’m dying, you’re dying with me. There ain’t no choice.”

#omori #omori fanart #omori sunny #omori omori #bad ending #implied suicide

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imfinereallyy · 1 year

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“What are your nightmares about?” Eddie asked Steve as they both stared at the ceiling in the darkness of Eddie’s room.

It was colder than his last place. Sure, Steve had only truly been in the trailer the one time, and there had been a literal portal to hell in the middle of but still. It was warmer there. The new place was bigger for sure. A whole two bedrooms in an apartment building where the loudest thing you could hear was the floorboards creek or Eddie’s metal music at a respectable 5 pm. That was thing though, Steve thought. It was quiet here. Cold and closed off. There was no sense of home in the new Munson house. The trailer had character and depth. It had a story to tell. It welcomed you and asked you to stick around.

This place was just empty.

Steve knew it all too intimately how more doesn’t always mean comfort. It’s why he didn’t spend time at his own house very often anymore. It wasn’t much of a home.

“Everything. You name it, I’ve probably nightmared it.”

“That’s not a real word.”

“Munson, I think out of all people you do not get to comment on things being made up.” Steve turned his head to face Eddie in his bed. Steve couldn’t help but trace Eddie’s face with his eyes. Even in the moonlight that peeked through the blinds of the Munson’s third-floor wall up, Eddie was undeniably pretty.

Eddie kept his eyes trained on the ceiling. “First off, rude. Second, you’re avoiding the question.”

“Well, why do you want to know?” Steve whispered, matching the same tone Eddie broke the silence with. He wasn’t sure why they were talking in such hushed tones. No one else was home.

Eddie sighed, “You’re a pain Harrington you know that? I’m not sure who gets it from who when it comes to you and Henderson. It’s just—“

Eddie shifted around to his side to face Steve's head. Steve noticed the bags had worsened since he last spent the night here. Steve had thought Eddie’s nightmares were getting better over the last few weeks. Steve had been staying with him at night but hadn't been there recently.

Initially, Steve had told Eddie after Vecna that he should contact any of them if the nightmares got bad. Told him it would be good to have someone anchor him when he woke up. Steve had been Robin’s anchor for over a year. Robin had even told him once that he grounded her, and kept her sane on the bad nights.

Eddie had waved him off at the time. It had taken months before he fessed up to having trouble sleeping. Steve’s heart had warmed a little at the idea Eddie had reached out to him of all people. Steve knew he shouldn’t have been surprised but even though they had built a slow easy friendship, it was hard for Steve to believe that people needed him for more than rides.

It was nice.

Steve had thought Eddie was doing better though and wouldn’t want him around as much anymore. That Eddie wouldn’t want to deal with Steve’s own nightmares. So he hadn’t been to Eddie’s in a week. It was when Steve had another nightmare about Lovers Lake that he caved and called Eddie.

Eddie didn’t hesitate before saying a rushed “Come over.”

Maybe they both needed each other.

Eddie blew a breath across Steve’s face, he couldn’t help but smile at the man's antics.

“It’s just, I feel like my nightmares should be of Chrissy and the bats. Ya know? Like, I do get those. They make sure to have their reruns right on schedule. But the nightmares I get the most are either me waiting in the van while you all are in Warzone or me in Dustin’s arms after the bats. Not during but after.”

Steve stayed silent, careful not to interrupt Eddie.

“And every time I’m in that stupid trailer waiting and waiting and waiting. Sometimes nothing happens and I’m left to rot. Other times Jason Carver comes busting through to door with a gun pointed at my face. The worst one is when one of you guys comes in and tells me to get out, I’m not worth the trouble.” Eddie sucked his lip between his teeth and bit hard. “And when I’m laying in Dustin’s arms, I can never get words out. I’m struggling. But not even like I’m fighting to stay alive, it’s almost as if I’m trying everything but that. And I can’t get the words for Dustin. Everything is wrong. And sometimes…sometimes Dustin will tell me that I’ve “done something useful for once.” Eddie finished with a shameful grimace.

Steve thought about this new place. How it was cold. How it hadn’t become a home yet. As if Eddie was anticipating being ripped from it once again. Like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eddie, Steve realized, didn’t feel like he was permanent anymore.

Steve decided to be bold for once in his life about a good thing and pulled out Eddie's lip from his teeth. Steve let his fingers linger for a moment on the worried flesh before reaching out to gently comb his hand through Eddie’s hair. “Lover’s Lake.”

“What?” Eddie questioned, a little breathless.

“Lovers lake is what I have nightmares about the most. Not the bats. Not the Russians. That stupid lake.”

“I mean you were pulled into another dimension by a bat tail, I would call that pretty traumatizing.” Eddie leaned his head into Steve's soft movements.

“Here’s the thing: that’s not the part that scares me Ed’s.” Steve took a deep breath before he gives Eddie a piece of himself he thought would be his own forever. “It was the drowning that gets me. It’s the being able to break the surface to only be back pulled under again. The loss of control. It’s because this very thing is so mundane, even if the circumstances weren’t, it was something that could happen to me at anytime. There didn’t need to be an Upside Down or a Vecna. I could be pulled under the surface at any moment. I could be forced to leave you all behind, lose myself in something I should know how to do. My limited knowledge on even the things I should be good at isn’t enough sometimes. I am just vulnerable and disposable."

Steve pushed out a shaky breath. Eddie scooched forward into Steve's space. It was as if Eddie knew that the warmth of his body alone would comfort him.

"I'm not sure if I am making much sense. I'm not very good at describing things."

Steve could feel Eddie nod up and down with the light brush of his bangs against Steve's forehead. "No, no I get it. Don't do that. Don't put yourself down just cause your vulnerable."

"You noticed that, huh?" Steve looked into Eddie's doe eyes.

"Kinda hard not to notice things about ya Stevie."

Steve melted.

"Please continue," Eddie asked in a rare form of politeness. The metalhead was used to demanding things. Not when it came to Steve though, Steve had observed lately.

"Right. Well, I guess my subconscious picks up on like my deep fears and like mixes them with my trauma. Do not give me that look yes I learned those words from Dustin and Robin."

Eddie let out a snort. Steve couldn't help but smile. Even at his own expense, he was just happy to make Eddie feel a little bit better. "I guess what I'm saying is, I felt useless in that moment. Or even I had given the last useful thing about me to the Upside Down, to this evil awful thing, and no one would really care or know. That moment just took on every fear I've had and pulled me under. My gravestone would say: Here lies Steve Harrington. Never had control, useless thing that no one ever really knew."

"Sweetheart..."

Steve cleared his throat. "My nightmares have a funny way of bringing up my very human fears. The things I still can't get away from. There are some days that I even wake up gasping for air like there is still water in my lungs. And all I can think is no one is coming for me, no one cares. And I just sit there, staring at the phone on my desk, still gasping for air not bothering to call anyone. Because what if no one picks up? It is better to avoid than know the truth sometimes. That I was born alone, lived alone, and will most likely die alone."

The heaviness was back in the air once again. Eddie grabbed Steve's hand between them and gripped tight. When Eddie squeezed it said I'm right here, I'm always right here.

"Until tonight. You called tonight."

"I guess I did. I guess I felt...I felt like even if you couldn't help me, didn't want me, you would still pick up."

Eddie's eyes filled with tears. "Always."

"Thank you, Eds. But now it's your turn."

They stared into each other's eyes as Eddie spoke, "I feel like I am drifting sometimes... like I am not really here. I know that I am wanted. By Wayne, by the kids, by you." Eddie said hopefully. Steve nodded. "Just... I don't have much purpose anymore. That maybe my life was supposed to end in the Upside Down. I'm not like suicidal or anything. But what if like I wasn't meant to be here. And that I am just bothering everyone. I don't—I don't feel like I am giving much. I don't play guitar anymore. Can't get through a solo without cringing. D&D has become too real. I'm not sure I can do it, at least not right now. I'm done with high school, the reasons why Higgin's gave me my degree doesn't really matter, I have my diploma. I'm not going back. No one will hire me, and I'm not even sure I want to work. I'm just here, wasting."

It was Steve's turn to squeeze Eddie back. His squeeze said in my space you are never wasted.

"Eds, I know I don't have much ground to stand on but I don't think there is a big difference between wanting to die and feeling like it's okay if you do. I should know, I spent years throwing myself in front of others. I think you should talk to someone, professionally."

Eddie gave Steve a look that said a bit hypocritical ya think?

"Okay yea, maybe I'm being unfair. It's just, Eddie, I need you to know something and I need you to listen close, okay?" Steve unclasped his hand from Eddie's and moved it to the right side of his face. Then, Steve removed his fingers from Eddie's hair a moved it down to the left side. Steve brushed his thumbs back and forth on Eddie's cheeks. "You are so much more than your hobbies. Then the things you do to fill up your time. Those things can change. They can switch, and turn back around. You're magnificent because you are you. You are Eddie Munson. A man who is much more a lover than a fighter. Who heals people with laughter and affection. He's the guy who steals the room with his "hello" alone. You are bright, you are beautiful and you are everything, even when you are wasting time. Because any of us, especially me, would be lucky to waste time with you."

Eddie's tears were now rolling down his face. "Really?"

"Yea Eds. Really. I don't want to speak for the rest of the party, but I can tell you that they think the world of you. I know you know you're wanted, but Eds you're needed. You are the lungs of this group. You help us breathe. Relief, laughter, life. All because of you."

Eddie released a wet laugh. "Not the heart?"

Steve giggled against Eddie. "No. Not the heart. According to the kids Mike has that role. Personally I think that's ridiculous but that may be because of my own problems with the little shit, so I'll let it slide."

Eddie fully chuckled this time. "Okay Stevie I'll make you a deal."

Steve continued to brush his thumbs on Eddie's face, this time he got to dig his thumbs into the dimples of Eddi'es cheeks. "Listening."

"I'm going to try more. Not try to make myself feel purposeful, but to just try. Try to be there, be present. Even if it's just so I can see that dopey smile of yours." Steve threw his head back and laughed. Eddie's smile grew wide. "And on the bad days, I'll try to talk. To Wayne. To Robin. To you. I don't want to hide anymore. I think I've spent enough time doing that. But you got to promise me something back. I need you to talk too. I need you to believe in yourself a little more. Because you Steve Harrington are extraordinary, and you are not alone. I am always here. And I will remind you every day if I have to for you to get that no one in this world compares to you. Deal?"

Eddie put his head against Steve's head, finally closing some of the space between them. Not all the way. Maybe someday.

Steve thought about how cold it was here. How he wanted to Eddie feel at home again, make him radiate that warmth he once held. He thought about how he would do anything to get it.

Steve brushed his nose against Eddie's, "Deal."

———

as usual i write a small thing that turns into a BIG thing. I am incapable of creating teeny works. I will try better lol. Anyway this came from me not being able to sleep and having massive anxiety so I decided to create it into something. Enjoy :)

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