#im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways! #if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance! #absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much.... #the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big! #i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider. #life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

[penny-anna]

ok some actual thoughts on The Giggle now i've had a few days to digest it:

STUFF I LIKED:

'spice up your life' dance sequence absolutely mesmerising. could not look away from the screen. incredible.

melanie bush!! ahhh this was so sweet. the reunion scene was pitch perfect. after Power of the Doctor (which was also pitch perfect just in a different way) really nice to see an old companion w a more upbeat relationship w the Doctor. also liked that they explained how she got back to earth that was fun.

into all the creepy puppet stuff. esp into the guy who straight up got turned into a puppet that was fucked.

liked the new persona for the Toymaker!! was a little :S at the german accent in the trailers but in context it was like OH he's doing this on purpose. okay. should've given RTD more credit that was a smart move.

DELIGHTED to see so much Ncuti Gatwa. honestly that was where the episode really picked up for me. loved seeing him run around his his underwear. love that he's got a jukebox in his TARDIS.

in isolation loved the idea of the incoming & outgoing doctors getting to meet face to face and hug it out i thought that was a really nice new spin on a regen scene <3

also in isolation, have long been of the opionion that Tennant's exit was needlessly bleak so i was looking forward to seeing him get a more upbeat regen and it did deliver on that for sure ljdlkghfdlskg

STUFF I LIKED LESS:

i already talked about & reblogged various posts about the bigen so i will not belabour the point too much dfjkghdflk. mixed feelings suffice to say.

i THINK this regen was like. kind of Sensitive as there was always going to be a demographic of people who'd be consciously or unconsciously unwilling to accept Gatwa as the new Doctor and as a result i think in this specific instance that ending was a. bad way to go. it leaves wriggle room for people who don't want to accept Gatwa for racist reasons. I'm 100% down for Gatwa and as i was watching it i could feel myself struggling to connect w him bcos Tennant was still there. iunno reserving full judgement on this for now bcos hopefully the christmas special will smooth things over a bit.

much as i loved seeing her not sure why Mel was there? like this is barely a complaint bcos im down to just have classic companions show up but. why was Mel there

other people have already said this but honestly it did not fully deliver on the Toymaker. feel like he's a character w a HUGE amount of potential and he didn't uh. do all that much.

also this is VERY PETTY but given that the Toymaker has appeared a bunch in the EU it would have been nice to like leave it more ambiguous how many times they've met previously? if that makes sense? i wouldn't expect the show to canonise any EU content but they didn't have to go out of their way to say that the Doctor and the Toymaker have only met once previously.

as i have implied previously not a fan of how UNIT is being portrayed. would like to see them treated more ambivalently tbph.

in conclusion:

had a good time!!

all in all think this was the weakest of the 3 specials but it did have a hard job to do wrapping everything up. however did provide a lot of fun stuff to Chew on. ah well.

#doctor who

[wambsgansshoelaces]

oooo maybe headcanons about dating the succession girlies? like shiv, tabby, willa maybe even sandi if you like her (nobody else seems to). Or just anything involving any female characters I feel like there’s so little for lesbians out there lol 💜 I love your writing and I think it’s so sweet how happy you are to receive requests and always thanking your anons

I love women so I’m very happy I got this request

and I do love getting requests- it means people enjoy my writing and that makes me feel good about myself. #traumadump but I don’t really have any friends so I get really happy when people interact positively with me. and without anons like you, I can’t have these happy moments. so all the kisses and hugs for you 🫂

thank you so much for requesting <33 please feel free to leave all the lesbian brainrot in my ask box- im a self anointed unlabeled princess and both want to chew on jeremy allen white’s biceps and be cradled (and honestly just looked at) by sarah snook (and various other concerning things with various other people)

please enjoy and let me know what you think x

how you meet (wlw)

Shiv

ᝰ you’re in the bathroom at a restaurant trying to get something out of your eye

ᝰ it’s actually aggravating

ᝰ you’re beginning to cry

ᝰ “hey, are you okay?”

ᝰ you forget about whatever the fuck is in your eye when you look at her

ᝰ she’s gorgeous

ᝰ ethereally so

ᝰ you know you’re going to dream of her tonight

ᝰ so much so that all you say is “eyeball”, your voice cracking

ᝰ “oh, god, yeah. let me see?”

ᝰ you turn so that your body is facing hers

ᝰ she cups your cheek with one hand, using the other to pull down your lower eyelid

ᝰ “i think it’s an eyelash,” she murmurs

ᝰ you spend a bit rolling your eye around trying to push it

ᝰ eventually you do, along with a fat ass tear

ᝰ she wipes it away with her thumb

ᝰ “thank you…”

ᝰ she gives you a smile in response

ᝰ and then she’s gone

ᝰ you’re kicking yourself honestly

ᝰ you should’ve gotten her number

ᝰ you get yourself together in front of the mirror

ᝰ but before you push the door open, it opens on it’s own

ᝰ *she opens it

ᝰ “um, i just wanted to ask, could i get your number?”

ᝰ “please, it’s yours.”

Tabitha

ᝰ you’re out shopping at an outlet mall

ᝰ it’s january, it’s still freezing cold, you don’t have enough sweaters

ᝰ you browse the racks, truly bored out of your mind

ᝰ you like shopping, yeah, but only with someone else

ᝰ and you didn’t have anyone else

ᝰ it’s been lonely

ᝰ you’re stuck between two sweaters, the same price, right under your budget

ᝰ you kind of just hold them in front of you and stare at them

ᝰ “the pink would be so cute on you,” she says

ᝰ when you turn, it’s like heaven and earth collide

ᝰ her hair, her eyes, just her face

ᝰ your heart’s twisting around like you’d stuck it in a washing machine

ᝰ “you think so?”

ᝰ “compliments your undertones.” she takes the sleeve of the pink sweater, her eyes skitting over it appreciatively

ᝰ you hold the other one out at her

ᝰ “this one brings out your eyes.”

ᝰ she looks you up and down, smile playing at her lips

ᝰ you’re pretty sure you fall for her then

ᝰ she takes the sweater from you, grinning now

ᝰ “i’m tabitha. there’s this pretty dress i want to see you try on.”

ᝰ you spend the next three hours shopping together

ᝰ you just can’t bring yourself to leave her

ᝰ you stick to each other like glue

ᝰ you share a pretzel in the food court

ᝰ before she leaves, she asks for a pen from one of the vendors

ᝰ she jots her number across your palm

ᝰ the entire time she’s walking away, she’s looking back at you

ᝰ she’s mouthing ‘call me’

Willa

ᝰ your headphones are on, ambient sounds playing

ᝰ you’re sitting in a secluded nook of your local barnes and noble, reading a new book

ᝰ you’re in your own world

ᝰ you can only vaguely hear what’s going on around you

ᝰ you can kind of hear someone talking

ᝰ so you take a headphone ear off, looking up

ᝰ good god

ᝰ she’s just so pretty

ᝰ so delicately beautiful

ᝰ the way she looks at you?

ᝰ “um, excuse me, do you know where the romance is?”

ᝰ “oh, yeah, of course. want me to take you?”

ᝰ you gather your stuff and lead her away

ᝰ “what’re you reading?” she asks curiously.

ᝰ you show her, and you’re both giddily chattering now

ᝰ “what have you read from here?” you ask after a bit, gesturing at the romance shelves

ᝰ “i haven’t read a good romance in ages. i can’t even remember.”

ᝰ “jane austen?”

ᝰ “jane austen!”

ᝰ you’re both giggling

ᝰ “do you have goodreads?”

ᝰ “yes, can i please add you?”

ᝰ you exchange goodreads

ᝰ then numbers

ᝰ she gently grips your forearm, grinning wildly

ᝰ “oh my god, this is so exciting!”

ᝰ you laugh, agreeing

ᝰ “i’m willa, by the way.”

ᝰ “i’m really happy i’ve met you, willa.”

#wlw #succession headcanons #willa ferreyra #willa ferreyra x reader #willa ferreyra headcanons #tabitha hayes #tabitha hayes x reader #tabitha hayes headcanons #shiv roy #shiv roy x reader #shiv roy headcanons #succession #succession hbo #wambsgansshoelaces #succession x reader #anon ask #requests open #ask box open #willa ferreyra x fem!reader #tabitha hayes x fem!reader #shiv roy x fem!reader

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

#autism #autistic adult #autistic artist #autistic things #autistic community #autism spectrum disorder #neurodiversity #neurodivergence #neurodiverse #ADHD #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #bipolar disorder #bipolar #OCD #obsessive compulsive disorder #neurodivergent #neurotypical #;w; #im tired #also cant be fucked to fix the order kf these tags #long post #optimism #mental health #mental health support #mental health awareness #help #helping #idk what im doin witj thesentags goodnluck gamers

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @rosieathena - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her reader

Reid x Youtuber/Streamer Girlfriend

- Spencer Reid has a somewhat boomer knowledge of social media platforms, he doesnt really understand them, but he knows from his job that they cause a lot of problems, so generally he steered clear of them in his personal life

- that was, until he met you

- the two of you very quickly became good friends soon after you joined the team, and it wasnt long before you both realised that the connection you had was not one between friends

- you went on a date, and things have only gone up from there

- during a conversation Spencer remembers very well, you casually mentioned your side-job as a youtuber and twitch streamer

- Spencer didnt even know what twitch was, and assumed you meant you live streamed yourself twitching and got paid for it

- you slowly introduced him to the world of youtube and livestreaming, and he was fascinated

- at first, he would sit out of frame while you streamed, just listening to you commentate over various video games you played and observing the way you communicated with the people in the stream chat as if they were your friends

- by no means did you earn a lot through this hobby, but it was something you enjoyed, and Spencer would support any harmless hobby that brought you so much joy

- but then he discovered it wasnt harmless

- you had been very fortunate to have Spencer sit in on streams in which you received very little abuse in chat, and because he wasnt reading the chat you could simply ignore any hateful messages there and he would be none the wiser

- however, on the first stream that he decided to join, things were a little different

- Spencer was sitting beside you, the two of you playing a multiplayer video game, both of you visible to the thousands of people watching

- and he, being the genius capable of doing a million things at once, was able to glance into the chat and read what people were saying as he played, curious to any tips or tricks they may lend him to help him be a better player in the game

- what he saw was anything but helpful

“jesus christ, how the fuck did she manage to trick him to date her”

“this guy makes her look even worse than she already does”

“he could do SO much better”

“I’d rather kill myself than be seen anywhere with her”

“maybe (Y/N) should be the one killing herself since she clearly doesnt deserve him”

“yeah haha u right u right”

- those messages were among more pleasant ones, but Spencer couldnt see those

- in fact, he couldnt even see the game anymore because he was staring at the chat log, and as a result his character died

“Spence? Everything alright?”

“How often do you see messages like that directed at you?”

- you knew what he was referring to without having to look in chat, you had really hoped you could hide the negative side of streaming for just a little longer

“Trust me, it’s alright. People behind a screen think they can be assholes without any comeuppance, and most of the time they’re right. Repercussions for them are minimal. Im lucky to get very few negative messages on my streams, Im used to that and I can cope.”

- Spencer shook his head, he was not happy with this

“You shouldnt have to get used to something like this.”

- with that, he stood up and grabbed his phone, the fans in your stream confused as to what was going on

- “Spencer, what are you-“

“Hey, Garcia, can you do me a favour? The scum of the internet are in (Y/N)’s stream chat, could you- oh, you already see them? Great. Yeah, I know, they’re disgusting.”

he walked back over to you and leaned over to look at your computer, scrolling back through chat to find the usernames.

“Scroll back to where user jnjmemes sent a crying laughing emoticon, you see the string of messages after that? Could you send every single one of those users a nasty virus? Thanks Garcia!”

- your jaw was hanging open, you stared at Spencer with wide eyes, completely lost for words while your fans in the chat were screaming over Spencer’s protectiveness of you

“Oh, one last thing Garcia, is it possible to set up a programme that automatically sends a virus to anyone who leaves a message of a similar nature? Of course you can do that, I should’ve known, thanks again!”

- he hung up and sat back down beside you

“There’s a lesson for all of you in this: dont say hurtful things to people online. But there’s a lesson even more important than that, which I hope you’ve all paid attention to.”

“What’s that?” You asked.

“Dont fuck with a woman in the FBI.”

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #imagines #imagine #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader #criminal minds #headcannon

[beesmygod]

i had this typed up for my newsletter im working on lol. i solved one of my health mysteries. tl;dr: food allergy

---

having a completely fucked up sleep schedule goes hand in hand with having a fucked up food schedule, which means my last meal is when the sun comes up and i dont get hungry until late in the day. any attempts to break this pattern risk waking up ravenously, eating-raw-meat-out-of-the-freezer hungry in the middle of what was supposed to be my sleep cycle. i do whatever the opposite of torpor is. i invented a worse way of mammalian living. do NOT steal.

so anyway, every night before i go to bed, i would fill my empty tummy with a delicious peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich. this is because strawberry is the tastiest, most accessible jelly. let me explain: when you go to a diner and search through the little jelly basket with all the jellies in it, you will see these flavors and these flavors ONLY!!! (ranked by deliciousness):

strawberry

orange marmalade

mixed berry

the putrid concord grape

orange marmalade is a distant second to the only good jelly on this list. i like strawberry jam.

in the mornings, i started eating special k cereal (red berries, again, the only good one) hoping the vitamin c would cure whatever was causing me to feel so fucking sick and miserable on a daily basis. every day i would wake up exhausted and every night i would go to bed in terrible pain from my entire chest down. it was hard to explain my symptoms outside of just feeling like total shit generally. to be honest, i thought it was just the result of bad living. my chest was often tight but i attributed this to how freakishly tense my body is from years of letting anxiety run ramshod over my brain and body. ive had this problem for over a decade.

recently, i went on vacation for a few days to d.c. with my boyfriend, adam. on the evening of the second day, as we shared a plate of fried chicken livers as romantically as possible, i told him, "i feel so good. this is the best i've felt in a long time!". and i really meant it. the rash on my face had cleared up significantly, my stabbing chest pain i had attributed to heartburn/dying was gone, and best of all, i felt like i could breathe. my chest no longer felt like it was being crushed and my lungs didnt feel like they were sticking together instead of inflating. my legs didnt even hurt as much when i walked, which seemed like a massive achievement to me.

i came home from d.c. late in the evening and returned to my nightly ritual sandwich. that's when i noticed, for the first time ever (now that i was unburdened with terrible pain elsewhere), that my mouth was burning and tingling in a way that might be textbook anaphylaxis.

i thought back to the time when my sister told me she liked the taste of bananas but they were too spicy for her. and how i laughed at her and said "what the hell are you talking about", which in turn lead to the discovery of her birch allergy. i also thought back to high school when i suddenly started feeling very ill, tired, and weak almost every single day. but i would still *~bravely~* find the strength to go into work nearly every day. i would be sooooo hungry by the time i got to my job immediately after getting out of school and wouldnt get to eat until i got home at 9pm. so i would commit a little corporate theft and eat some sample sized special k (red berries) intended for patrons. hmm. a pattern is emerging.

now i have an epipen and blood work being processed by a doctor who expressed mild horror at how frequently i was dosing myself with a little bit of near death experience just for delicious strawberries. as it turns out, you feel a lot better once you stop poisoning yourself on a daily basis. at no point did i ever think i was going to die from any of my various problems despite having every symptom that obviously points at a reaction. i dont know. i thought i just rolled some bad genetic dice and got stuck with the shitty body lol.

i did sort of eat the rest of the sandwich tho. it was good. no ragrets

[bluewinnerangel]

Here i found a good analysis of Angels Fly and how its a response to Harry's Falling.

Harry: "There's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands"

Louis: "There were problems in this empty bottle at the bottom but we drained all that"

--

Harry: "What am I now? What am I now?" - crying out

Louis: "You'll be okay, we can talk tomorrow" - it'll be ok

--

Harry: "And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say"

Louis: "You'll be ok, we can talk tomorrow, I'm on my way with some time to borrow"

--

Harry: "And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again"

Louis: "I'll knock on your door, it'll save me from callin'" - ill always need you

--

Falling - Harry panicing that he is loosing control. Song is laced with a feeling of panic.

Angels Fly - You will be okay. We will be okay. I am here if you need me.

--

Harry : Im falling

Louis : No babe, youre an angel and youre flying, not falling!

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Credit

Okay I thought I'd try to find parallels myself... I think they're both generic enough that this can work coincidentally but yeah let's entertain it, I guess as Angels Fly as a response to Falling

I'd like to apologize for this use of colors laksjdlksj anyway. Things that stand out to me

Both songs have this duality of not wanting to talk about it and very much wanting to talk about it. Basically we can't talk about it right now but this isn't over there is more to say, just right now I feel like there isn't. Falling is someone stuck in a downwards spiral and Angels Fly could be read as someone trying to be there for someone who is.

The repeating of "I'm falling I'm falling I'm falling" vs "angels fly, high, you'll see angels fly, high" uuf

I highlighted the "and I get the feeling that you'll never need me again" vs "put the pain behind you now you don't need it anymore" because I thought it was a good contrast of someone lost in their thoughts vs someone with some more clarity of what is needed

I also think this one verse in Face The Music fits in this with "Close your eyes and count to ten / If you’re standing on the edge of falling / Open up and looking down / Everything that matters is forgotten" like lines 1/3/4 parallel Angels Fly and then the 2nd drops a falling. It fits with Saved By A Stranger too.

I. fucking. love. "but we drained all that" in Angels Fly. It might be my favorite thing of the whole song. So he's like "there were problems in this empty bottle, at the bottom, but we drained all that", so here he's using "problems in this empty bottle" which makes you think there was substance abuse, whether it was alcohol or pills, then "at the bottom" works in multiple ways already, like you're down-and-out as falling describes but also literally the bottle's empty and you're seeing the bottom, but then "but we drained all that", gives you the visual of throwing the contents of the bottle away, flushing it down the toilet, draining it down the sink, but in the context of the rest of the verse it's "but we've already gone over that and we're past it and about specifically that there's nothing to say anymore", and drained when someone is just completely depleted, exhausted, not much left, but now for my lil larriebrain specifically in relation to falling I'm seeing Harry's affinity to water, I'm seeing nautical watery splashsplashness I'm seeing the Falling music video where the entire concept is him drowning in a room that is being filled with water, that then will need to be drained lol. There's this reoccurring imagery in both their discographies where they're talking about a glass or a swimming pool being in various stages of filled and it's just giving this extra layer for me of draining being both positive and negative here. The glass is empty, they're at the bottom, and it's drained. There's no water. But then it's spun to positive that they drained the problems? yeah something like that.

But as always keep in mind this is just one interpretation of the song, we're just entertaining the thought of one being a response to the other. Or maybe that's not described right, rather that they both have written a song sparked from the same situation.

#the PSA bc sorry but the fking source going pRoOf i almost didnt post just bc of that aslkdjlk

[starsambrosia]

Hermes' Traveling Buddy (Astral)

I listen to the ocean waves, and it feels like it's calling me home it feels like souls are reaching out to me, grasping to me for life. Some days, it feels dry and empty. It turns into a salt flat for miles before it reaches the sea again, but when the tide rises, the lands flood, and a vast salty ocean grows.

Moonflowers love this landscape, the air is fresh and salty, the landscape is lush, and the stars are clear. Im not sure what this is where it is...but ive seen Hermes walk the beach. He took me here, i think. I've wandered further and found ruins of a temple of his he visits some times. There's a ruined shrine to him. i find him sitting by talking to someone who used to worship there

Theres something about this water, theres people in it, i can feel them, i know what life feels like, this is it...living water

Then it happens.

Here we go again. Fuck shit hhhh hahahaha

I hate this part

The stars have formed together, they move in unsettling patterns, and once familiar constellations now mean nothing. A shape forms in the sky, a titan, eyes pure white silouhette growing darker and darker, a grin spreads across his expanse showcasing a mouth and teeth within the very sky itself.

Its a terrifying sight.

I remember being swept off my feet, i remember gripping on tight and watching this world fade away for what i feel may be the last time as Hermes pulls me out of that place through a nauseating trip through some sort of gateway he was able to store in a coin.

I felt dizzy i couldnt feel him anymore i had just slipped away, drifting into a state of pure blank emptiness. Then i hit the ground hard, and i felt the sun setting on my face, i got off of the dusty brick red floor and looked outside, i hear life, people, chatter...a door creeks and he pulls me inside with a grin, he looks like a short rowdy child but his eyes are unmistakeable, and his grin stays the same. Always.

Im pulled along on another one of his schemes and i have to admit i missed this i missed feeling this way, not sure what it is other than a lot of love.

Music plays from street preformers, he shows me firedancers and various shimmering shops full of twinkling trinkets.

The people seem to be very realistic. They dont feel like spirits they feel like memories of people. Real living actual people. It felt good to be surrounded by soul and to be gripping his hand tight as he bolted through the crowded curving streets of wherever we ended up this time

I missed this

So much

Its been years

I feel so alive when i feel the wind on my face and through my hair, i watch him shift right before my eyes, taking the form he prefers

"You changed recently, im still getting used to the new form" i think to myself, and almost like he knew, he looked over his shoulder and gave me a smile

"The effort is appriciated!"

Right, he did know.

I lost focus, im getting scared

Breathe

Re focus

That was so worth it, he took me up a hill in the city and to a place it opens up onto a cliff full of gardens and lush greenery, it smells like the sea and my eyes glittered as soon as i set them on the wide open sea before me. I adored the sunset, and it was sweet he stuck around with me

"Have fun?"

I didnt do well tonight, i was very mentally unwell, and i prayed to him for help, company, attention, just love i wanted to feel seen just a little bit. And i felt like he went abouve and beyond, i didnt really sleep tonight but i really dont care so much, i feel so loved...also kinda super light headed and dizzy now, it feels like hes holding me, i think i might try to ley down, maybe he wants me to try to sleep now...7am

Might as well

Sleep well void...

#astral projection #astral #hermes deity #personal practice #personal experiences #pagan #kissing him feels sorta like kissing a really nice plum some times very soft and tender hes a sweetheart

[sludgedyke]

ohhhhh fuck it feels weird being unemployed like. for real unemployed. like not having a routine type weird. oh this post got way longer than i expected, i'ma just throw this courtesy read more down to keep it from being like your whole screen lmao

i stuck it out so long at d*sn*y just bc i made some really strong friends, even after 2 years of new hires and people transferring locations or roles, and because it was just... familiar. and it was super easy to commit time theft lmao i was literally such a good worker that after long enough, leads stopped questioning my breaks going a little long >:3c and people across various areas of the kitchen were friends with me and liked me and now. its all still there but its gone. i think worst is knowing no one's gonna actually miss me enough to bother reaching out to hang out with me :/

anyways, since i'm like. not gonna have a routine and i actually really enjoyed being a dish washer, echo asked me if i wanna be their housewife lmao. they suggested that they would get a second job while i stay home and keep it clean and tidy, just for a little while. which like. tbh. not the worst idea... very seriously considering it, i would miss them too much to do that for very long i think :( at the very least since my schedule is now completely freed up, friends can just call me or come over whenever they'd like to, i would never say no to some friendly company :3 and like. missing them so much oh my god im absolutely 100% going to massage them every night and make them lunch to take to work and like. take care of them. i would. i already do that. i'm happy to do it. i make really good sandwiches, i give very good massages.

can you believe this entire post spawned from me getting wizard high and looking up "housewife checklist??" in an attempt to figure out what the fuck does a housewife do all day. or at least find someone who already obsessively made an organized list for me to follow along with and have something to do with all this new free time. which is stupid like who doesnt know how to keep their shit together? like a full grown adult? then i remembered like, oh yeah. most people, actually. a few of my friends for sure, i am no stranger to goblins. oh wow okay i think i can feel the adderall crashing now. i should go make myself dinner soon :3

#personal #nothing really bad just thinking #might as well just use my blog like a blog i guess

[lordoftablecloths]

vent post i guess i dont know i just wanted to write stuff down instead of just go ing to bed and crying over it you can just scroll past it

im fine im sane im noramal im so unbleiveably cringe ,, the only person i have irl- fuck, or even online for that matter- to show the dumbass things i write is my silly little dumbass younger brother who doesn;t understand what im trying to get at and i guess its not his fault, i seriously doubt he's spent unhealthy amounts of time making various short scenerios in his head about charcters he came up with and eventually trying to give them a story and write little things about them in google docs because where else am i supposed to put this and its just ,, he doesnt know wht im trying to do and i dont know how to explain it to him because the "history" i gess behind it is so fucking complicated by now that these characters arent even the same characters as they were when i originally created them, other than some physical attributes and their names and he just knows them as the random cringe shit i made up in middle school but so many years have passed by now that these stupid fuckers whose only purpose to serve is to make me stop remembering that i exist and ive gotten too attatched to them because who else was i supposed to get attatched to when i was going through an identity crisis at the time- and, quite frankly, still fucking am- and it was so much easier to pretend i dont exist and just project my flaws and insecurities and underlying subconcsious thoughts into these charactes that no one knows about except me and oh god im just created a long ass vent post on tumblr that no one's going to read and no one understands the story behind fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck whatever ill go ahead and post this unfinished thing because no one's going to get it either way ill probably delete it later if it doesnt get buried under reblogs

dont think too much about this i just got sad because my brother was giving me a bunch of criticism on an outline of a story i was working on- which is fair, i need to take criticism- but he only knows the characters in it as their semi-formed cringe versions so i chickened out half way and now i feel bad because i was really proud of this thing for the whopping span of like one day before i decided to show it to another human person instead of letting it rot away inside of me like i usually do and now i feel bad about my writing skills

im trying so hard to just take his words with a grain of salt because this kid does not have nearly as much experience with writing as i do, but i feel like im copying too many of my inspirations (DnD, generic fantasy story about defeating evil creature, silly tropes, etc,,) which sucks because that was just like the first two pages of the outline and theres nine fucking pages and like the second half of it was what i put the most effort into and i felt like the ideas were really origianl but i could make myself let him naturally get to that part of the outline because i was starting to feel really bad and wieerd and oh god he is looking at ideas i havent ever expressed to another human person even though i am very familaiar with because i came up with them and they havebeen in my head for at least a year or two by now and have been haunting me ever since so instead of skipping ahead to the parts that were really good in my opinion but would have made no sense without context i just told him to piss off i gues s

i dont know. i feel dumb. i feel stupid. ive put so much effort into this stuff and the concept that ive been wasting my time feels like too heavy of a weight to handle. god none of this porbobably nmakes any sense ,,,,,,,,, i guess this is why i feel miserable when the fanart and shitpost memes i post get a comically larger audience and attention than the art relating to my silly goofy ocs, because these stupid fucking characters are all thats keeping me going . call me cringe, but is it still cringe if the concept that maybe i too can be around people that love me and instead of having to like me in spite of my faults love me for them keeps me from fucking killing myself is it still cringe?

if a tree falls in a forest and no one's around, does its fall even make a sound? (shit piss fuck sorry i dont remember the original quote and all i can remember is tha t one line from that one musical i dont remember what it was)

if an autistic moron that cant even talk to a cashier without having a panic attack makes a universe full of fictional characters of his own cfreation then an alternate universe, then several alternate universes, then a spin off from that original universe and etc etc but its all just on google fucking docs and no where else except deleted excerpts from a dead wattpad account, did he ever even create anything at all?

its pointless. its all so fucking pointless. its a waste of time. why do i do this at all. its so fucking pointless. it makes no fucking sense. you cant just make a story with characters in it, then make a fucking fantasy au of that universe with the same characters but with different designs and wildly different personalities and then make a whole fucking complicated lore-filled story about the fantasy au version while the original universe's story is still left mostly unfinished like forget about a first draft of the text i havent even finished the first ddraft of the outline yet buckarooooooo

okay fuck you guys thats all i want to tell you im going to go pretend to myself to try to go to sleep and then cry now

#vent #i guess #sorry for saying fuck you guys yall are the only keeping me together and making me feel like i have any importance at all #long post

[official-big-q]

Heyyy papa idk why I am invading ur inbox rn DNFNFNFB I just wanted to say stuff about how for some reason I like hearing your memories maybe cuz I never had like those kind myself just the feelings of things that happened in cannon

So I like you talking about them or your wings and your HUGE nest in las nevadas I think I would have liked to be there just us sleeping and you wrapping your wings around me and me wishing to be able to fly around with you

I think I always liked the idea

Of being a big dragon and fly around with my wings and have fun and spend time with my family

I didn't make the entire revived AU for nothing dnfbfjr

If you want to ramble abt your memories idm I love hearing them :]]

-tilin⭑

I ALWAYS LOVE RECEIVING EXTRA MESSAGES FROM YOU KIDS - ITS OK !!!

AND THATS VERY VERY SWEET HBSJDBD

That’s heartwarminngg hhhhh<3

I WOULD HAVE LOVED FOR YOU TO BE THERE IN MY NEST AS WELL - that nest was so cozy it made me feel so safe and it was SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I HAVE NOW SOB

BUT I TOTALLY WILL RAMBLE - ILL ALWAYS RAMBLE VIA REQUEST >:D

I was so very very vocal around you kids - dsmp and qsmp,, im just full of bird noises :]!! Coos, chirps, quacks, squawks, you name it !!! I had a large variety of bird noises I made towards you and your siblings <3 !!

In the dsmp i had a bad track record with love and was verY traumatized so the way I showed love at first was through gifts !!! I used to spoil Tommy rotten :]. (Tubbo wouldnt let me - he refused to take my gifts)

And then after I healed and realized I didnt need to hide my affection for others - I gave out words of affirmation and physical touch !!!

I WAS LIKE. PRETTY FUCKED UP ???? In the dsmp, after I got my injury to my eye/face, I had to take a couple weeks at least to be able to properly navigate again. Karl and Sapnap forced me into using a cane, which was something I very much needed if I didn’t want to walk into something or just fall over-

And just the eye thing in general messed me up permanently ??? Like I stopped using my cane and was okay most of the time without it - but my vision was really fucked and I couldn’t read cursive at all and needed bigger writing on documents to be able to read them, but the dsmp wasn’t a very accessible space so I just sucked it up and dealt with it.

I even learned braille because of it !!! Sam taught me braille !!! Sam also taught me some basic ASL and Foolish taught me more in depth ASL.

I remember Wil getting bad back pains and just aches after they got revived. I think it was just a side effect they had to deal with after it all. We couldn’t do much to help it, but I always made sure to give them a heating pad and some good pillows !!

Speaking of - I believe both me and Wil had chronic fatigue ? I think I just had it while Wil got it as a side effect from getting revived - either way it SUCKED

I remember playing with Fundy during Pogtopia and making sure he stayed fed and kept him company when I could :]

This isn’t a memory but in my head I always refer to Ranboo as the weird stray cat my kids decided to start feeding that never left lmao /lh /aff

Phil took care of me once ???????? I’m pretty sure I was grieving Wilbur and dealing with a whole bunch of feelings about that entire situation when he died - and I ended up on Phils doorstep basically completely shut down and he took me in and just started fully taking care of me. It was a weird experience- I don’t like the man for my own personal grudges but he’s still a kind soul.

Wilbur had a tendency to work himself or keep himself busy until he passed out - he hated sleeping after revival.

Schlatt but the bi in bitch - and other than that fantastic line I don’t want to talk about him lmao

OH I once panicked after I couldn’t find Tommy in the penthouse thing we stayed in in Las Nevadas and made various chirps and warbles while searching for them- they were simply in another room and I was panicked for no reason , Tommy did end up responding with quiet confused chirps hhdjdbd

I HAD SHARP FANGS AND TALONS >:D!!!! I think I also wore fingerless gloves too - sometimes just wearing plain gloves to hide the burn scars that I had on my hands

AND I DONT HAVE AS MANY QSMP MEMS BUT I remember feeling uneasy around Bad ????? He was a friend of mine n all but I remember avoiding him for a bit and feeling unsafe around him annnd I don’t quite know why

OH AND I DEFINITELY PERCHED ON ETOILES SHOULDERS !!! He was THE friend ever actually :3

Jaiden and Baghera were / are like siblings to me, almost !!! I remember we were pretty close :D !! Jaiden and I were close friends and Baghera and I had more of a sibling relationship !!

I vaguely remember Maximus introducing me to his daughter !!! She was pretty cool and it was an awesome experience

THATS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW- I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS !!!!!

#i hope any if my kids reading this has a wonderful day <3 #🐤🪺 mis patitos #🌟🎀 tilin #🚬🚐 wilbuh !! #🌟🐄 tommy #.🎰🎲🎱 mems #.🐤🥚🎀 mems

[noodlegirl-googlyeyes]

Hollow Knight spoilers, idk. its like a 5-year-old game so like whatevs but i will say if u wanna play it and haven't, it is best enjoyed without the kind of spoilers im gna have under the cut. gonna talk abt my thoughts on the first final boss. also its a longass post so, like. yaeh.

final bosses of games(i know HK has other final bosses lol) can have a lot of different aesthetic vibes. the way a boss looks and moves, the music and audio, the way the boss is framed within the environment, and the way it is depicted(or not depicted) prior to the fight itself all play into this 'vibe'. the thing about hollow knight and the battle against The Hollow Knight itself is, that 'vibe' is both extremely unusual on purpose, and incredibly emotionally heavy and complex in a tragically beautiful way.

the last game i beat before hollow knight was metroid dread. no spoilers for that game, but the final boss of dread had a very stereotypical 'final boss vibe'. fuckass huge and cunning, consciously villainous character at the height of their power: Samus's greatest challenge yet. at various points through the fight, i found myself alternating between thinking "oh fuck, im gonna get my ass handed to me" and "gonna fuck this fucker the fuck UP ya bastid". it's a good boss battle with a lot of emotional weight.

but THK(or The Hollow Knight, the character/boss itself) was.... i don't know what exactly i was expecting. THK is not a villain, but a victim. it's not consciously evil or at the height of its power. and i sort of knew that going into the black egg, but i was not prepared for what it would actually look like, at all.

it's hunched over, missing an arm, its legs are bowed out and bent all weird like it can barely even muster the energy to stand. over all else, it just looks so... tired. and that's not just in its first animation, the way it moves gives off that feeling of a being who is running on mere fumes and has been for a long time, exhausted beyond imagining but the job isn't done, and so it has to keep going, keep digging deep, keep fighting.

ok now im gonna reference a bunch of more commonly talked about theories, but hollow knight(the game) is ultimately full of mysteries within the lore so this is all very much subjective and open to interpretation.

the radiance infects bugs through their dreams, right? she gets in through their dreams and corrupts their thoughts and hopes, breaking down their higher willpower until all that's left is this base primal violence. in the pale kings famous speech in the abyss climb he refers to the ideal hollow vessel as having "no mind to think, no will to break, no voice to cry suffering", because a being like this has nothing for the radiance to corrupt. this is all, like, my cliffs-notes understanding btw, and isn't really the point of this post.

the point is that we know that THK had failed, somewhere along the line. it's thoughts, thoughts it wasn't supposed to have, had been corrupted. to have a 'will' one must have a goal, or something to fight for. something to fight against. THK was, more or less, just supposed to be vibing, chained to the ceiling for eternity. the path of pain cutscene provides the best explanation as to why this happened, but all that is beyond the scope of this post.

then there's its 'no voice to cry suffering', which THK still doesn't have - the only sound it makes is the trademark infection roar, which, well, comes from the infection. the important part of that line is actually what it doesn't say, because it doesn't say THK does not suffer.

if you really feel like tearing your heart open with a spatula, btw, look up the Pure Vessels dream nail dialogue from the godhome fight. my heart 🥺

anyways, let me walk you through my emotional experience with THK's boss battle. first it drops down from its chains as seen above, and instantly, i'm not thinking, "oh fuck im screwed", im not thinking "gonna mess u up lol".

i see that and all i can think is, "you poor thing. i am so, so sorry."

but the madness of glorious combat overtakes me. i die a few times, then decide to go get the last nail upgrade and do other stuff around the map before beating the game for the first time. i come back eventually and... die a bunch more, mostly during phase 2. then, on a run where i'm feeling pretty confident, i get to phase 3, and i actually am getting into that mindset of "its fukin over u asshole! i got this! ur dead!"

then THK starts doing this:

its fucking. stabbing itself, over and over. this is a great opening to walk right up to it and get a massive amount of damage in on top of the damage the boss is literally doing to itself. unfortunately, i mostly missed it the first time because i was crying too hard.

theres 2 main theories for why THK does this that i've heard of; one being that its doing it to release more infection out of itself to be more powerful, the second is that The Hollow Knight, with its splintering will and thinking mind, sees and understands on some level what i, as the knight, am trying to do, and is doing what it can to help me in spite of its purpose and in spite of the radiances' influence.

i beat THK that attempt. i had maybe 5 deaths in phase one, at least 10 or 12 in phase 2, but none past that. but like, i didnt want to. all that pride i had in besting this difficult opponent evaporated. all i could think at that point was "not like this. please don't make me do this."

the first theory doesn't really resonate with me, because phase 3 only introduces one new attack, where the infection itself literally picks THK up and ragdolls it into the air, before just. brutally smashing it onto the ground a bunch to try and hit the knight. this attack does double damage, but it's also not super hard to dodge. if the infection was forcing THK to stab itself to become more powerful, it was not an effective strategy. using THK itself as a blunt weapon to beat the player character to death feels, to me, more like a wrathful punishment for THK itself. the fight gets significantly easier in other ways as well; THK's terrifying barrage of rapid-fire huge attacks is slowed by extra mini-staggers and the entire rhythm of the fight gets really thrown off.

hollow knight is a good fucking game

but i did want to beat it, also, because THK is a vessel, just like me. and it had suffered so much, for so long, and i was the only one who had any ability to do anything to help it. in my mind, as a person playing a video game, i went from "i can't look at this horrific a tragedy" to "this is terrifyingly difficult" to "i'm better and stronger than you and i will fuck you up" to "no, not like this, please stop hurting yourself, please stop helping me", and finally to "i'm so, so sorry, but it will be over soon. it wasn't your fault. i'm going to fix this, but it's too late for you and i am so sorry" in one boss battle.

#hollow knight #ughgg i think abt the story of this game so gd much especially thk ending #what a story

[sopebubbles]

Did I start reading Bulletproof Heart and binge the first 25 parts instead of getting ready for work this morning? ..

Was I late to work this morning? ..

Did I continue to binge the rest of the series throughout the rest of my work shift? ..

Well none of that is here nor there, and it was genuinely worth it for the incredi le story that you have created!! I loved every single second of it.

The mc is amazing and so relatable. Hobi is such a gorgeous ray of sunshine. Kookie is adorable. Jimin and Tae had me cracking up every time they opened their mouths (or messages). Jin was so kind and sweet and I love him so much.

AND YOONGIS AND NAMJOONS ARCS ARE SO FUCKING INCREDIBLE. LIKE. Genuinely almost started crying during certain parts. AND THEM GETTING CAUGHT MAKING ON THE BLEACHERS (I like to imagine it was in the same spot Tae and mc made out on the bleachers at the very beginning) AND THEN GETTING IN A FIGHT. NAME A MORE ICONIC SHIP, ILL WAIT.

AND THE THREESOME 🫠🫠🫠 WITH JIN AND HOBI AND MC 🫠🫠🫠🫠 WAS ACTUALLY SO SWEET AND WHEN JIN AND HOBI GOT TOGETHER I MELTED INSIDE.

(Despite all of this. Jimin was probably my fave. There is just something about mischievous dirty minded kinda slutty (in a good way) jimin in smaus that will always get me 🤣)

Anyways, my work shift is over now and I need to do homework so I'm really glad I finished this first bc I Would Not be able to focus on school if I was still in the middle of reading.

And I love you k thx bye 😆👋🏻

Aaaaah when i tell you i was on the journey with you!! I always check in at various parts whenever people read bulletproof heart. I'm glad it got you through your shift cause work is wack.

Honestly, of all my smau characters, these babies might be the closest to my heart. I just want to take care of them so much. I think their characterization was very strong and I'm proud of that. I think this was actually the first smau i thought of even though i wrote it later. I still think about them a lot.

I was asking myself why i wrote a third arc, like was it necessary? But i think a lot of the reason was for Yoongi to get his redemption and for everyone to come together. Namgi forever. They're so cute.

Tae and jimin are an absolute delight. Im glad you enjoyed their nonsense. I think when they pick up yn to go to the party is so fun to me bc they try to act like they're so cool when they're just a couple dweebs. Really makes me think of debut vmin. Gosh i love them. This au is so precious to me.

Thank you so much for liking every post, reblogging, and sending me this beautiful ask. I love getting to revisit old works and getting to talk to lovely people like yourself 💜

#park-jimin-isnt-real #sopebubbles 🧼

[viir-tanadhal]

@dykejaskiers tagged me to do this discography challenge, thank you ❤️

rules: pick an artist or band and share your favorite song from each of their albums, then tag some mutuals!

artist/band: pet shop boys (I'm also doing only their regular studio albums BUT I'm throwing Alternative and Format, their b-sides albums, into the mix for fun)

Please: Love Comes Quickly (becoming one of my top psb songs tbh and getting to hear the new live version was 😵‍💫 screaming, crying, throwing up, etc etc)

Actually: Rent (the lyrics, the various ways they've performed it live.... do I have to explain myself further i mean 🤭)

Introspective: I'm Not Scared (I love left to my own devices don't get me wrong but I've really been getting into im not scared recently)

Behaviour: Being Boring (my fav song of all time by them.... makes me want to cry every time. but I genuinely think everything about this song from the lyrics to the music to the synthesizers used to the structure is absolutely perfect. would never change anything about it)

Very: Can You Forgive Her? (will always be one of The psb songs to me because of the lyrics on this song. neil are you kidding me... but if this was for very further listening I would have to choose I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind of Thing 7" single Beatmasters remix because WOW. alas, it isn't the album version)

Alternative: A New Life (this b-side is just too fucking good but also in the night, paninaro, do I have to?...)

Bilingual: It Always Comes as a Surprise (ok I listen to other songs from bilingual more often but if in my brain I think over what one I think just perfectly does what it needs to do, it's this one.)

Release: Home and Dry (I will defend all of release btw. but I like how this song is both sweet and heartbreaking at the same time)

Fundamental: Minimal (idk I just think it does what it set out to do perfectly but I also really like Luna Park with its metaphors and imagery as well)

Yes: King of Rome (it's got everything: historical inspiration, neil singing in falsetto, sad yearning ballad... my fav psb stuff)

Format: Hit and Miss (v tough decision because this comp has a lot of good ones 🧍‍♀️)

Elysium: Memory of the Future (I like neil's literary influence songs it can't be helped)

Electric: Love is a Bourgeois Construct (the reason it's my fav from this album is because I think this exemplifies them so much and it's just great. no one else but neil would write these lyrics and no one else but chris would do this to the music)

Super: The Pop Kids (a bop. a banger. the medley from the super tour of this going into In the Night 😭😭😭😭)

Hotspot: Will-o-the-wisp (my favorite song they've done in recent times I think because omg... the analog synths sound, the lyrics being so overtly queer, them underlying the track with a recording they did of the ambience of riding the u-bahn, and then the fade out into YATO... But shoutout to Burning the Heather which i love so much too ugh)

#this is so hard to choose only one song :(((((

[hikari-ni-naritai]

multiples of 3^^

oh god thats so many

3. Do you like to get 100% achievements?

if its something within reach yeah! i have a few games 100%ed. huniepop for one. its actually a dream of mine to one day 100% huniepop in a single run of the game. itd be hard but i believe in myself.

6. Last game you finished?

finished...... uhhh sakura shrine girls. if id beaten that last monster in monster hunter i couldve said that but i failed. oh well

9. A console and/or handheld you’ve never played but would like to try?

i think my cousin had a dreamcast and i was kind of fascinated by the weird controller shape. i dont think theres any games im specifically interested on it but i would like to mess around with one.

12. answered already!

15. answered already!

18. A game you’d like to replay that you haven’t

mmm are there any? ive replayed most of the games i enjoyed enough to play once. i want to finish my 2nd playthrough of ff14 though. im still in stormblood on that.

21. A boss you think is really cool

does rakna-kadaki von monsterhunterrise count. shes not really a boss unless you consider all monsterhunter monsters to be bosses. OH. OH RIGHT FUCK. hephaistos ff14. i love that fight. raid bosses count as bosses for sure. i just redid that one earlier tonight

24. A “Wow” moment of awe

i think the first time i really experienced something like this was the first time i played through twilight princess when you swordfight ganondorf at the end. it was like. such a wildly different experience from the standard like "swing your sword and you'll maybe clang against the enemy and not do damage" like it felt to child emily like a real proper swordfight. i thought it was really cool.

27. already answered!

30. Spyro or Crash Bandicoot?

crash bandicoot babeyyyyyyyyyyyyy there was this guy at my old church who was like a full ass middle aged adult and he was friends with my parents and we'd go over to visit sometimes and he'd let us go up into his weird attic where he just had a ps1 for some reason and me and my brother played crash bandicoot up there a lot. good times. it was a little hot in his house. he lived right on the street where they had community festivals every summer so it was nice to have a base to go back to when we got tired outside. his front lawn was small but it was good to lay in and watch fireworks from. real nice guy. im rambling. crash bandicoot rules

33. Someone has never played a video game before but is open to trying any genre. What game would you recommend as their first?

if im throwing my anxiety out the window, id probably recommend super mario bros the original. if youve never played a video game, it would be really hard to get recommended something with a complex control scheme or unintuitive menuing and shit. so something with just a few buttons and an easy-to-understand goal is probably good for a starting point. im sure theres a lot of platformers like that.

36. What platform do you play on?

pc but i have a lot of old nintendo consoles and a ps4. just in case. its hard to get the gumption for them tho

39. Do games need difficulty sliders?

i think difficulty options would be more doable. its important that games are accessible to people with disabilities that would prevent them from playing on whatever the base difficulty is.

42. Worst game you ever played?

im very easy to please. i remember being very disappointed by various kart racers in my youth though. at least, i played them once and did not play them again. there was an m&m branded kart racer for the wii, and also i found diddy kong racing for n64 to be too slow for my tastes. but also i was a child.

45. Favorite content creator?

settled, the runescape guy who made the morytania-locked ultimate iron man account. i just recently rewatched his 12-hour video compilation of that. i literally came close to crying a couple times. its good.

48. Most satisfying villain death?

i havent killed him yet but theres no way i wouldnt be satisfied with the death of that fucking bastard in tales of berseria. one day im going to kill him. fuck that guy. i would say asahi ff14 bc i hate him with the passion of 10,000 suns but his death was not satisfying. i would like to kill him over again.

51. How often do you skip cut scenes?

never unless ive seen it before. well, except the cutscenes in monster hunter rise for when u go on a hunt for a new monster. i sometimes skp those. but in most cases i wouldnt dare.

54. answered!

57. Ask anything you wish!

lena please u have to give me something for this one. its okay i will provide the question. "whats a game everyone should play no matter what even if they dont think its that good?"

play shining force

[ankhisms]

tldr:

sort of venting below the cut but more just rambling thinking about things im okay tho dont worry ❤️

ok context for the first picture gnmgmg for like a month or two i had been adopting the mentality of going "whatever the fuck" about things that i would start obsessively worrying about to try and get myself to stop spiraling. which it is genuinely a problem of mine that i get too worried and hung up on tiny things that i beat myself up over and go into all these different what if scenarios and get stuck in being like nothing i do is ever good enough kind of thinking. so at first going whatever the fuck about things i was worrying about did jolt me out of that and was helpful! but now im realizing that really i need to find a balance. its in my nature as a person to really deeply care about things and to deeply feel the things i feel, which isnt always healthy or helpful but then theres the flip side where i feel numb and untethered and of course this has to do with my various problems with unreality and dissociation relating to my life long abuse and trauma. but after like a week or two of feeling like god nothing i do is good enough whatever whatever its all whatever i very suddenly am like. no its not whatever actually. i shouldnt just dismiss myself and my own feelings. i should sit with them and hold their hand and then let them go. things arent whatever, my life may be hard and painful both physically and emotionally for different reasons but i am here and alive and thats not meaningless, i create the meaning in my life and i can not let myself succumb to responding to despair by numbing myself anymore. on purpose! i am going to live on purpose! and i will find a balance where i allow myself to feel things while also trying my best to not spiral into worrying or beating myself up over things. i already have been trying my best even when ive felt like everything is pointless and sometimes trying my best just means making it through that one day and thats ok! i shouldnt discount my own efforts, im often haunted by the idea that im not doing enough or not doing quote unquote good enough, but i have to take into account my physical and mental health issues along with my unhealthy home environment and be kinder to myself. its not kind to myself to just say "whatever" about my struggles and i would never even dream of reacting that way to a loved ones struggles, i have to care even if it hurts. there are certainly things that are out of my control and certainly times when theres not much i can do, but i have to allow myself to let things go without acting like they dont matter. things matter and my feelings matter and ive been hurting both physically and emotionally and thats ok to admit. anyway im going to do my best! thanks if you read this mwah

#ok bafk to drawing