#im so tired of all of this. ive wanted to kill myself since i was 9 years old and i still do. i can't keep this up anymore

[actual-changeling]

.

#alex gets personal #i'm just so fucking tired of this #nothing works it never actually gets better it never stops being fucking excruciating work every single day #ive been stringing myself along with empty promises and 'it'll get better' #but it's just. not. getting better #do you know how exhausted i am? because i am not exaggerating or lying when i say that i have been trying not to kill myself since i was #three years old and alone and lonely and hated and disliked and reduced to my mother's puppet #and my father hated from the moment he got informed of my potential existence #and then it just got WORSE #all of it just kept getting worse and worse and it never stopped and i was never not alone and i'm so fucking tired #and did i already mention nothing works anymore #cause you can give me the best fucking pep talk ever and my response will be i dont care i just want it to stop #im just gonna keep distracting myself until i either die or get better #whatever happens first and we all know it won't be getting better so therapy's gonna be fun on wednesday

[peppermintbutch]

Sleepover w my probably unrequited crush was NOT good for me

#going insane. i slept for 2 hours mainly bcs i spent most of the time near cardiac arrest #such a cringefail moment nothing has changed since highschool etc. well it has but ive had 2 hrs of sleep and im being dramatic #i dont even know if shes in a relationship i think maybe shes in like a fwb situation w this guy she spends a lot of time with #who is very nice honestly might not even mind that like everyone here is polyam anyway lol but idk if she even likes me that way at all. #and i physically cannot talk to her abt this i think i'd genuinely die of a heart attack and bury myself alive no matter the outcome #but also i guess my life will stay this way forever if i dont eventually do smth abt crushes but im like SO scared #though i guess realistically the worst outcome is that i embarrass myself. like she's bisexual she's not going to kill me or be disgusted #WELL. Maybe I'll do smth abt this tomorrow (probably not) #but also im soo worried that if it's reciprocated it turns out i dont actually want anything from her #bcs that would mean i have Fucked Up Issues and i don't even know how to begin thinking abt solving them #anyway GOODNIGHT. I am tired and not in a state of mind to do deep psychoanalysis on myself 🗣

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

#once again im abt to eat glass #literally there has basically not been a day since i started school again in spring that i havent had a overwhelming urge to kill myself ! #and a prepetual feeling that i just. can't do. any of this. any of it. not the fucking classes and not what comes after either. #like fuck what does it even matter exactly if i get this degree or not? if i manage to barely drag myself through this? what does it matter #degree or not i dont have what it takes to remotely make it through life #its not even that im stupid lmao i just. i cant do this. too tired too many fucking health issues too much trauma too insane and. too. #fucking. exhausted. considering i dont even have much a fear of death and have lost that basic survival instinct. what exactly? ought to #keep me going? because on the other side. for the most part i just. dont. want. life. either. everything is such a fucking #struggle and i dont see any point in it?? not anymore. its not even that i think life is miserable or whatever i just #ive had enough of it. good bad great horrible ive just had enough. lmaoo i feel way too old for any of it god damn. i just wanna rest. its #all been too much. its all been enough. i just want to rest. #........ the school is just a added stress that drives me insane but the main god damn issue is that. i just.... i dont want things anymore #i dont want anything anymore. i dont care. most of the things i used to be passionate abt or care about i... . i dont even fucking manage #to do those when i have the time. or want to do them when i have the time #........ so what. exactly. is the point of staying alive. #...... #nothing drives me anymore. i have no drive. perhaps anger at times. i guess thst comes from care. but mostly im just fucking exhausted #... and im just?? useless in this state. useless to myself useless to my family useless to society. i dont even have it in me to do things #out of fear or dread of my parents anymore. #.and. frankly. the biggest issue here is that since ive been like? what? 17? ive been unable to idk rise up to the occasion? its too #fucking much. but frankly.. ;; im not even sure it is. like okay rationally this is a lot to deal with for a human being but also. this is #all. this is all. just because im weak. mentally i dont have it in me. i think the last bit of my energy went into #fucking recovering alone from 2 eating disorders from hell & pretty fucking bad bpd. i feel like that was the last big effort i was able to #make for myselr #idk i just feel like im making fucking excuses all the time. i should Not Be Letting It Define My Life and Rising Above It or whatever but #im too much of a whiny fucking bitch with a victim complex who just fucking complains about things all the time but cant manage to actually #do. anything. #.

[southislandwren]

ive been astoundingly Normal at my internship so far so maybe [redacted] just made me act like that :/ i bet it was that damn mustard gas incident

#actually the mustard gas incident happened during my 6th month at [redacted] so i was insane for a good while before that happened #but ive been SOOO normal working on this farm. ive had like 3 minor incidents that i barely remember. thats how normal ive been #ofc i think working 1 on 1 with someone vs. letting an 18yo loose in a factory produces very different results #this is a nature vs nurture issue i think lmao. hopes inability to function vs being inside 12+ hours a day or touching grass 24/7 #i do have a hunch that ill become Abnormal soon bc my aunt revealed some info that has got me Thinking #(apparently my boss is not all the way straight. this info revealed during pride month. girl we have got to go to a pride parade together) #diary post #also have you guys figured out yet that if you block 'diary post' you dont have to see posts like this from me #i am so fukcing sleepy i was going to stay up and play ultra sun but im tired :( cheese day today so ive been up since 5 #but i found up my boss gets up at 3:30 fucking am EVERY DAY #girl the milky way is still RISEN at 3;30 in the summer that is SLEEPING HOURS!!! #kinda want to be like. bestie can i come over at 4am and we can look at the milky way together. i can show you the constellations i know. #ofc that would mean i have to wake up at 3:30am but like. milky way my beloved <3 #or i could sleep at her house (especially now bc her husband is on a fishing trip and it wouldnt be weird it would be like a sleepover) #and then i wouldnt have to drive 10 minutes at the ass crack of dawn. #not even the ass crack of dawn the sun rises at 5:30 she wakes up fully nestled within the ass of night #i cant. i would rather kill myself than wake up at 3:30 every morning for the rest of my life #anyway im tired and i want a cat so at least one of these farm people im working with should give me one of their barn cats. #you dont need 6 cats but i need just one little creature :( #okay great post guys. hit the showers

[knife-enby]

#sits down #been a while haha. since i. posted sits down. anyways #does anybody know if we have to keep going tomorrow. and the day after that. and the day aft #i dont know how to explain whats wrong i think i only half understand it myself #its like i just got hit with this realization #that like im going to have to keep rebuilding and recovering and discovering and learning #and growing and doing and experiencing and *fucking up* -- #making mistakes. getting hurt. -- forever. #until i die. #and it doesnt sound fun or rewarding or like something i want to do. the thought makes me quite sick #everything is so painful all the time and im so /tired/ and im /always wrong/ #what do you mean i have to keep doing this until it kills me #i dont know what im looking forward to either. i dont actually know whats keeping me suspended right now #its like ive completely blanked on whatever my list of reasons for living were #god and i turn fucking 22 this year. it really is a cursed year for my family huh? #. i dont want to be like my brother or my cousin but i dont know if i will be able to stop myself.

[miamicommune]

.

#getting very tired of waking up wanting to kill myself every day #like god this is rly all there is huh. the waiting and the passive sadness and the financial worries and the worthless use of time #starting to think i should just withdraw all my savings and do it now. save my family worrying about paying off debt later #im so tired of all of this. ive wanted to kill myself since i was 9 years old and i still do. i can't keep this up anymore #id sooner take 4 weeks of catastrophic liver failure and whatever horrendous pain that entails #than have the possibility that i might still be like this in 5 years. or even 1.

[panlyv]

wtv

#self harm tw #it's funny how much crueler i am with myself now than when i was younger #because ive been shing for hhh idk 8 9 years now #it started as me wanting to punish myself for all the guilty i felt inside #and it went on for a long long time because i just felt horrible and i needed to disappear so things would be alright #but i couldn't kill myself so i just hurt my body instead to try and make up for it #i was sad and scared and confused back then #but now? im just angry. im tired. im fed up of myself #the cuts are much deeper and longer and there's so many more of them #and i just keep doing it #i honestly dont think there's much rhyme or reason for it rn. i just wanna hurt myself bc i hate myself so much i want to fucking die #and yeah maybe ill attempt again but this time ill make damn sure it works #but i still never harm my wrists or anywhere visible #its always my waist/hips/thighs and i never wear shorts or anything above my ankles #like i cant tell u the last time i wore actual shorts or like proper beachwear (i live in the beach) bc my hips are just scars #prob been like 10 years since ive worn swimwear lmfao thanks gender dysphoria and self harm ! #but yeah now i just want it to hurt and bleed and make me feel some goddamn thing that inst this fucking void #im so fucking tired dude #what's the point of anything #nothing feels meaningful or real or important enough #im an unlovable broken motherfucker and im fed up of never getting better #oh but u need to stop being so pessimistic then !! suck my dick ive tried pretending i wanted to live and be happy and it never worked #so again whats the fucking point #im done here #dawn.txt

[pjackk]

Yep another miesrable "F my life" moment just hapened to me i basicaly walked 10 miles up the mountain to get to behind to the gas station to see my plug to buy me my with my favorite delta 8 pipe rocks and grab another 6er of tall boy steelies and i forgot i had my lit pre roll from brunch at the Country Grocerys buffet and i tripped on a congom on they away out and fell directly into a puddle of oil which normaly is fine when i fall and hurt myself ebcause nobody gives a fuck about me but the pants got stained wich is not unusual for me either but this time with motor guel or some shit but my pre roll was smoldering still and it set my ptants on fire so i dive in to the muddy ditch to put wet mut on my body to estinguish the fire and it and it shook the fuck up out of my steelos and the bursted all over me and it put out the fire but now i dont have any booze at all and my delta 7 "Fuck n chill" rocks burned tf up and i dont got nothgin left and my pants were all fucked up so i had to go home thru the woods wihtout them and it was so dark out and my peice of shit phone died even thouhg it was at 27% and i couldnt see shit and i was lost for along time so i decide to go to sleep in the woods to find my way back in day time + the animals sounds were high key scary as fuck so i cover myself in leafs and dirt and sticks and mud and other shit to hide from them and i woke up in the adfternoon still tired as fuck cuz i dont sleep good without some shit to put me asleep like my medicidne prescribed from Dr Maltlikker if U catch my drift lol or Dr thc Gummy lol if u get what im saying and these stupid little cunts with 22 rifles were plinking at me and tlaking about how they wanted to shoot my big ugly rusty head right in the head or to shoot a hole in my nippels so i got up and trioed to get them to stop i begged but htey just kept lauhging at me and shooting at me and it realy hurt my feelings so i pick one up and threw it into the sky then they all ran away screaming which is a classic "Dont fuck with honest joe,because he might try to hurt you or kill you if u piss him of moment" but the miracle of the story if that i went to walk 20 feet to findm y way out and i found my busted as shit old as fuck camry with a litle gas left ive been looking for it for a few days cuz i did a lil cruising when i was blackout and did lots of crazy shit i didnt remember at all but it was all on my story and 100 ppl were snaping and whatsapping me telling me to kill myself when i checked my huwawai thats how u know u had a crazy fcking night when u get that shit!!😂😂 but it had a litle gas left and it wasnt super busted so i was able do get back on I81 and soem stupid fcking crazy ass north carolina motha fuckas are driving insanly as fuck as usual and they keep almost hiting me while im just trying to read my fukcking phone to get rid of all these stupid messages and shit i still dont know how to use the app and its hard to type shit with my hands but eventualy i got back to my fuck buddys houe im crashing there even though he hates me now but i have nowehre left since ive been down on my luck and im realy not able to pay the bills no more with my online black jack/DarkRp trial moderator gigs and basicaly he owes me cuaz i got him 1 pack of menthols back when he was 19 and Sleepy Joe Brnadon banned them since "Freedom to do real shit" was aparently removed from the costitution when he was elected😂 but anywas now im sitting here bored as fuck with nothign at all do do cuz i got nothing to get fucked up wthi and i spent the rest of my meony on shit thats burned and blasted im realy worried i wont be able to sleep tongith since i cant get fucked up and thats when the demons starts to flow in my head i might do something realy bad to myself like pluck out my screws or some shit if u care abotu my which u probably dont my cashuapp is $pjack9 im desprate for another bottle to numb my p[ain away

Pic of my ride when i found it thankuly it still had gas😋

[tinyorangepotato]

.

#tiny talking #ed tw #<- i guess? idk just in case #is it meant to suck this much?like i am a person who gets very worried about mynown healing #i went to get the forst xrya for my ankle then not even 2 days later i wanted to go and get another becausei was worried i put it out #of place or whatever. like it turned out fine but i cried because i was worried it was fucked #and now with my wisdom teeth ive been super careful with eating. the forst 2 days all i had was apple sauce #i mean i had a lot. i ope ed a new one of the bigger containers yknow and i was the only one that had any #and it was gone yesterday. and i cant swallow solid things. i legot crush my aprins because of it #so i tried to eat some spagetti last night since my sotmach was killing me. and i had maybe like 10 noodles in total #and it took me like over an hour to eat those 10 because i was trying yo mash them witha fork and then take a small bit of the tiny pieces #and put it in my mouth and mash then against my front teeth and then force myself to swallow it so it qouldnt go to the sides of my mouth #and so at that point i only had like 48 oz or less of applesauce and 10 noodles in the last 3 days #which is not a lot. usually i skip most meals because im bot hungry but then i snack or make noodles at night #but i cant do thay because i cant chew and im worried so i take extra precautions #today i had some mashed potatoes at like 3pm and it was a carry out aide thing #so like a normal bowl full pretty much #and i didnt wven eat half over the course of 4(?) hours #i threw them away. my stoamch hurt a lot after eating them and they werent very good #and then i slept at like 9 becaus eive been very tired. maybe ebcause i havent had enough food or maybe the mwdicine is actually making me #drowsy (which they usually dont. like nyquill doesnt make me want to sleep) or maybe ebcause i have bene laying around doing nothing #either way. i woke up around like 12 and stomach hirt again. like felt like period cramps but a hit worse (at leats for me) #and i havent had my period sinc ei broke my ankle like i think nearly 2 motnhs ago #which is fucked but thats how its been for me. itll become fairly regualr then go away for a while #whichbisnt good but fuck it man. anywyas #yeah turns out my grandma got some bamanas which is excellent except that i had to force myself to eat some #i had one and i took me about an hour to eat it and it disnt fill me up. i mena it was one banana after barely eating the #past few days. so i gor another which took around another hour to eat but hey. at lwats i have had 2 bananas and a bit of potoes #anythings beyter than nothing. but my stomach still hurts. i wish i could just make noodles and chew them #but im far too worried that ill immediately mess up my stiches because it hsant even been 72 hours since surgery

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ignoring my suicidal friend?

Me (f, 23) and my friend (f, 21) have both liked the same girl (f, 23) for a few years and we are all coworkers at the same workplace. Everything was fine until recently the girl in question started showing some interest in me (she asked my friend if I was single, takes shifts for me, brings me food sometimes, etc.)

Obviously I was very happy and i asked my friend if she could sort of be my wingman and tell the girl that I had liked her for a while, since I was not really comfortable telling her myself (im very shy and i wasnt 100 percent sure the interest was real or I was just seeing what I wanted to see)

Anyways, the my friend refused to text the girl, which i understood because she also liked her, makes sense right? I said it was fine, she didnt have to, and that i would talk to her myself. Well my friend went off on a rant about how selfish i was and how i better not talk to the girl at work or she would report me to our boss for stealing. I was kind of put off but the next day things were fine, i didnt talk to the girl though because i was a little worried my friend might do something ridiculous.

About a week later i dyed my hair just for kicks and my friend started talking to the girl about how horrible it looked and saying i looked even uglier now than before and the girl actually stood up for me and said she thought i looked fine. Got the stink eye from my friend for the rest of the day. That night she texts me and says she is going to kill herself if i dont back off. Obviously i didnt want her to kill herself, and i truly think she would, shes been suicidal for a long time, so i didnt know what to do. I quit that job (i had an offer somewhere else that i had been debating anyways) and have been ignoring her ever since (about a month), but i am still texting the girl. I really like her and honestly, ive known her for a few years and i think she could be the one, but if i go after her my friend might do herself serious harm. I really hope she's ok, but i am kind of tired of her behaviour and threats. If she texts me threatening to kill or hurt herself one more time i am not responding. I ignore all her calls too. Personally i think its straightup manipulative behaviour and im sick of her always trying to get what she wants. I wish she would just stop trying to make me feel guilty for being happy.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #reddit #suicide cw

[battleangel]

I Am Not My Hair

What actually happens if I shave my head bald?

Why cant I see what I look like without hair?

Why do I have to be sick or have cancer or be dying?

Why am I not allowed as a woman to just shave my head?

Why do I need a reason, a justification, an explanation?

Why do I have to justify being hairless?

Why are people acting like Im dying and have cancer just because Im bald?

Nothing happens. Thats the gag.

Youve been taught to fear.

Its just my bald head. Why is that forbidden?

Verboten?

Why cant I ever see what my actual head looks like without all this hair on it?

Why cant I see what my face looks like without it constantly being surrounded by hair?

What if I like being bald?

What if I like not spending $1200+ a year on my hair?

What if I like not styling my hair?

What if I like not doing anything with my hair other than cutting it super short, about an inch or two, every few months?

Why does it threaten people for a woman not to care about her hair?

I dont want to go to a hair salon or barbershop.

I dont want to go back to an afro.

I dont want locs or dreads.

I dont want shaved sides, I already did that last year.

I dont want corn rows or bantu knots, Ive done that too.

I dont want to grow it out.

I dont want a $500 lace front wig.

I dont want a wig professionally installed by a stylist every 2 to 3 months.

I dont want to wash or brush my hair.

I dont want to put any products in my hair.

Why is it a sin for a black woman to not want to grow her hair out?

I dont want my "long beautiful" hair back.

I dont want it halfway down my back again.

I dont want it to my waist again.

I dont want to relax it again -- there are lawsuits against Loreal, black women who used Just For Me and other chemical relaxers to straighten their hair are being diagnosed with cancer, inferitility and fibroids.

The chemicals in a relaxer are strong enough to break down and destroy the natural texture of your curly coiled kinks and force it to be straight -- those same chemicals are also strong enough to literally peel paint off of cars -- why are you putting this directly on your scalp for an hour plus every 2 to 3 months from the time you are a pre-teen or in high school until adulthood, for decades, and thinking that there wont be health issues?

They target products to Black women that kill them.

Remember the little Black girls that sang the R&B pop jingle in the Just For Me commercial?

"Just for me...hair so healthy, silky and free."

Who was that song for?

This was the 90s and there were multiple Black girl groups back then -- TLC, 702, Blaque, Xscape, Jade, Total, MoKenStef, etc. -- they wanted to get us while we were young so we would keep using their products until adulthood. 

I got my first perm, I am 4C, at 11. I was so glad my mother stopped burning me with the hot comb that she had tortured me with since I was 5. Anything was better than that as I had a very sensitive scalp or "tenderheaded" as it is called in our community.

I couldnt wait to go to Touch of Magic salon where my older sister already had her long, silky hair. I was tired of being tortured by a hot ass comb that was constantlu burning my fucking scalp and I was tired of being told to "sit still" while my scalp was being fucking burned. I couldnt wait for the Revlon Fabulaxer so the dreaded golden hot comb could be forever banished from my existence.

From 11 to 34, 23 years, I faithfully got  a relaxer at the salon every 2 to 3 months. It was about $120+ (relaxer, deep condition, style, split ends, color, etc.). Over the years, that fucking adds up, over $100k I spent on my hair. Even when I went natural at 34, my 4c hair is extremely thick, kinky, nappy, unruly and very difficult to deal with. People have literally broken combs trying to comb through it. Needless to say, I couldnt manage anything myself but a wash and go so I spent thousands at the salon as a 4c natural on Senegalese twists, box braids, Bantu knots, corn rows, twist outs, twist updos and flat twists. 

Then I shaved my sides and cut my hair super short and started going to barber shops but I was dyeing it fuschia back then so my hair was still costing me money.

Then last year, I finally just grabbed kitchen scissors out of my kitchen and hacked it myself and decided I was never going to go back to a salon or barbershop.

I was going to cut my hair with kitchen scissors myself every 2 to 3 months. I do like different looks so I have five cheap synthetic shitty wigs that are different colors (blue, blonde, green, black). Depending on the lewk and fit, either I just wear my hair natural and short or I slap a wig on.

But thats it. No maintenance, no upkedp, no hair care routines, no wasting away a Saturday at a salon, no barbershops, no wash and gos, no 15 hour sessions getting braided extensions. 

Just literally cutting it with kitchen scissors every 2 to 3 months and slapping on a cheap shitty wig whenever I have a certain fit or lewk and thats it.

Then in August, I decided to shave my head bald. I didnt want even a few inches of hair anymore so I grabbed my husbands razor and shaved it. Didnt go to a barbershop or stylist. Had no idea how to even use the razor and just shaved it all off in under 10 minutes. I loved the bald look especially with thick ass winged liquid eyeliner, bold dramatic eyeshadow and colorful lipstick.

I have a few inches of growth that in a month or two, I will grab the kitchen scissors again and cut my hair down to an inch or two. Ill do that every few months. I love it bald but even shaving my head on a regular basis is more time than I choose to devote to my hair. Cutting it with scissors to an inch or two every 2 to 3 months is my absolute limit.

As a woman, thats not allowed.

Especially as a Black woman.

And I was raised by a Southern Baptist fundamentalist, so forget about it.

You have to obsess over your hair, products, styling, color, length, look, appearance, texture, curl pattern, thickness, volume, care routines, pre poo, deep conditoning, tea tree oil, diffusing, texturizing, blow out, straightening, relaxing, lace front wig installations, weaves, kanekalon, bundles, braids, twists, locs, dreads, corn rows, bantu knots...

You cant just not do your hair!

Only you can. Because thats exactly what I do.

Even as a Black woman and we are brainwashed to be absolutely obsessed with our hair.

Go back and look at the hysteria India Arie caused when she shaved her "beautiful curls".

Just like India Arie, I am not my hair.

#4c hair #natural hair #relaxed hair #black girl magic #black lives matter #bald head #bald girl #shaveyourhead #shavehead #head shave #i am not my hair #just for me #lawsuit #relaxer #loreal #revlon #black hair #beauty standards #feminist #black feminism #patriarchy #paternalism #internalized sexism #blm #melanin magic #anti capitalism #socialism #social justice #afro #feminism

[altermay]

Tw/ transphobia, discussions of dysphoria, brief mention of suicide, descriptions of child abuse

Getting unbearable. Feeling sick. Started working to afford hormones only to find out the service that is most accessible to me (plume) doesnt offer T in alabama anymore due to changing laws. Fuck all these stupid politicians putting their noses in others lives.

Thought people at work wouldnt make a super huge deal, as I was selective with who I told, so i thought maybe I could hold out a bit longer and at least i wouldnt have to feel so dysphoric all the time, since all my coworkers knew me as Monte. But then instead of my name, people who would usually call anyone else by their name started calling me “Miss” and “maam”

Even the ones I had come out to, and even the ones who told me they were accepting.

Whatever, im from a small rural area, so transphobia is not new to me, what is new to me, however, is being openly trans in an unfamilliar environment. I thought I could start T quickly and maybe people would ever forget that im trans in the first place, but now its been so long.

Some people call me He, and use the right pronouns, but increasingly lately Ive received a myriad of transphobia.

Being called tranny loudly while my coworker kicks my broom as I try to sweep (kicking hard enough for the broom to almost leave my hands and hit another person behind me) , Getting called “it” behind my back. Stuff like this is becoming more common.

The two coworkers who called me it, have been spreading lies about my work performance these past five days, Ive been told my three different people that every time I leave to go do something they start talking badly of me. So I got to my breaking point, at this point it had nothing to do with the pronouns, I was just upset that two forty+ year old adults were purposefully making my job harder to do while I was also struggling with a ton of other stuff (ptsd, seasonal depression, a family members recent suicide) and so I couldnt stop crying.

Despite this situation having nothing to do with me being trans, they are now trying to spread the narrative that Im just being sensitive because they were misgendering me while they were borderline bullying me.

If I was not trans, people would take me seriously on these issues. But now, because I am upset, suddenly Im just a stereotype. A sensitive trans person who is offended because someone used the wrong pronouns a few times.

I will be one to say, I do not give a SHIT about my pronouns. Ive been called the wrong ones my whole life by a majority of people. That was never the issue. But because Im trans, that is the only issue people can perceive for me to have. The ONE issue I had with them regarding my pronouns was them calling me “it” and thats not because its the wrong pronoun, thats because its DEHUMANIZING.

But now I have other coworkers who know NOTHING about the situation saying shit like “well if she claims shes a man maybe she should suck it up” “well if she wants to be seen as a man maybe she shpuld cut her hair”

Fuck you. How about YOU get beaten for 17 years, YOU watch your siblings get beaten near to death for 17 years. YOU have flashbacks of things you dont understand all day every day and we will see how fucking well youre able to “suck it up” you are WEAK. YOU ARE ALL WEAK. And you dont know what its like to be me. My mother tried to kill me. My mother almost killed my sister, I was neglected, never went to a doctor, and I STILL dont know how to take care of myself. And I still havent recovered all of the memories.

Ive had SHORT HAIR ive had LONG HAIR Ive had a MOHAWK, ive had a BUZZCUT ive been BALD. And people STILL fucking saw me as a woman. Im tired of conforming to this bullshit just so people can treat me the same as they always do

Fun fact though, since Ive had long hair Ive been gendered correctly by strangers MORE than I have with ANY OTHER HAIR STYLE.

These stupid fucking transphobes and their stupid fucking stereotypes im so fucking sick of it all. And corporate wont do anything about it, Im sure of this.

Why is it so hard for me to just live my fucking life.

Im so sick of it all

#vent #tw vent #tw transphobes #transphobes #transphobia #tw suicide mention #suicide mention #abuse #child abuse #neglect #tw abuse

[sistervirtue]

making a copy of this bc op disabled reblogs and i just got reminded it existed and would like to not lose it

ok so . im outing myself to the world but thats fine this is too funny to not share

so. ive run a roleplay blog for a few years. i keep it separate from my main, yknow, its just a side hobby and ive been doing it since i was like, 12. its cringe but hey yknow at least im not 30 and writing ya novels

now its pretty common for rp blogs these days to have rules. right? you dont want to just bag any weirdo on this website, and as you can imagine bnha roleplayers are batshit crazy (see: conversion therapy todoroki) so mine are pretty strict and detailed. because ive been doing it long enough to be exposed to what counts as carbon monoxide poison from a screen. one of those rules is "if youre mutuals with people who write porn of the kids even aged up im blocking you we're keeping a ten foot pole on this". because as a 20 year old man i have a healthy disinterest in seeing paragraphs of teenagers fucking

so the dash is astir with talk of a guy writing age up bakugou porn and im like ok whatever. make a post bitching about it . mutual likes those posts but then the mutual is turning around and being buddy buddy with this guy so i dm the mutual like hey whats going on here . mutual is like "well why dont you talk it out with him hes not as mean as he seems i prommy" and im like sure whatever i can have civil conversation and if it ends with One Less Person writing weirdo porn then i might be able to get into heaven

so i dm him and he loses his fucking mind. it lasted all of 10 minutes because he was sending paragraphs like this and i was too tired to give a shit

(take note of my icon thats a special tool thatll help us later)

(also he goes by the name rxgelord. WITH the x. thats also important just because its funny as fuck)

so the guys clearly bothered by the idea that people might possibly talk about him without his permission and im a little miffed after being misgendered (which hed do again later) so i just post our dms. swing first and hey batter batter lets play ball i dont give a shit this is bnha roleplay

once again: loses his damn mind. he makes a psa post about me talking about how im just some pussy infant and hes too HARD for me and shit and also they do bakudeku muffin roleplay in the comments of that post which is fucking insane

anyway. at one point while joking about the whole thing i called him a "wannabe bakugou kinnie" as a joke and apparently he felt a very serious need to address this

and im like holllllllllllllly fucking shit

you may have noticed that his posts are incredibly over-formatted. this goes for everything he does he is pouring a LOT of time and energy into typing his 9 paragraphs about how im an insane bitch or whatever. (if theres literally one thing i can give him credit on its that his graphic editing skills are kinda good. i will be honest) his rules document is also just as insane and features gems such as:

(this dude thinks hes pulling bitches on a bnha roleplay blog)

so we're just full on ragging on him at this point and hes getting MADDDDDDD MAD. he misgenders me again and when i point it out he has the following excuse:

(art by @/pcktknife. anyways)

after a certain point i get dmd an old copy of a 130+ page callout he had a year prior and im like WHAT and it included his yugioh rp blog career and various allegations like having been involved in gang violence, doxxing, etc. also a picture of the hickies he bragged about leaving on his uwu pink glitter gf which looked more like he was trying to go for the killing bite but hey. yknow. apparently im a toddler idk how that works

along in this we also find his twitch account, which was under the name rxgelord, and it featured edited graphics of his real life face with bakugou. he posts selfies a lot too i wont share them even if theyre public but he has knuckle tats and a goatee and uses the greyscale filter. if this gives you an idea. he also had 5 twitch followers and detailed his desire to be a rapper/dj and im like holllllly fucking shit this guy cant be a real person. holy fuck.

anyways. skipping a lot of unnecessary bullshit and paragraphs of text with gifs from 2013 attached hes constantly going on about how we wont just "say it to his face" which i think is hilarious bc i was, the entire time. but im like ok fine you want me so bad

so i send him this. he posts about how "he won when he got all might" (for some reason hes calling my ex mutual by the character name. i dont know) and then hasnt posted in 4 days. he deleted his twitch. im a little worried bakugou. dont say that. may have actually chased this man off the internet . to go have real life sex with his real life girlfriend so he isnt so mad

anyway we ended up turning one of his posts into an eminem uberduck

im honestly probably forgetting something this was so much and it was so fucking funny and honestly im glad to have been there

update: he has not in fact posted since last summer. god bless.

#just copy pasted it . for posterity #very funny how in the og ppl are asking abt ctt. dont worry abt it #bakugou dont say that

[cogbreath]

its very stressful and painful and honest to god heartbreaking when my mom tells me to avoid stepping in when my dad is being abusive bc she's worried he'll get worse towards her if i do . shit got rlly ugly tonight. im very very tired of having to just watch & hear this shit happen. im very tired of having to pretend it doesnt effect me. im tired of being made to stay out of the way im tired of being told to be nice to that man im really so tired. my whole life basically in this house ive had to live like 😐. i dont think either of them really realise how deeply this shit has broken me apart over and over again thru my life. ive been having to be the Neutral Mediator since my childhood with this. its very distressing for a child to have to tell their own mother that this shouldnt be happening. that its not normal.

i dont think any of them understand how often i/my alters think about Ending It For Good. why woildnt i? do you think the way ive grown up makes a person feel like they even have a future at all? especially when as a kid i was afraid he was gonna try that first and kill us both. i have a deep internal thought that i need to do it before he does ir first

my mom is still talking like shes on voard with having him move out of here soon but like. when is soon. soon is coming, right???

i csnt let that not happjen

i will lose it if that plan falls through

i dont rlly have any drugs or anyrhing to ease myself

i dont know what to do

shpuld i just run away?

i dont have anywhere to go. i have no friends no job nothing like that but this is just so painful to deal with. and. honestly. i cant leave her alone with him. i cant. i know my existence and presence does little to acrually help keep things from going worse; but i feel that if i wasnt here, it would get way way worse

my mom has so many breakdowns abt how nobody wnats to save her or help her

i do

i do

but she doesnt want to LET me. i dont know what she wants. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore. ive given all my advice. i tey to listen to her ans let her vent but its not enough i guess

[shadeslayer]

I’m sorry, how is Killers Of The Flower Moon racist? I saw your tags on a gifset of Lily Gladstone as Mollie and was confused.

youre totally fine, dw! first disclaimer is ive not seen it, but also i dont plan to. i cant vouch for how racist the actual narrative within the movie, for me its more that its situated in a media landscape of films where i saw it advertised and i said to myself "oh i know exactly what that is :/ i thought we were done with this but i guess not"

theres a lot of stuff that i can ramble abt bc its very interesting and theres a million different ways this all plays out even if it all comes from the same source of anti-native thinking. but in particular w this movie its that i know it was gonna be trauma porn possibly mixed with imperialist nostalgia (aka mourning the loss of us/our culture even while actively killing and oppressing us)

there was a really good article i saw a while ago and shared some of the quotes from that talks about this movie specifically! i wont just repost the quotes i pulled before, but in particular for thinking of this movie and not movies in general:

I am not from the Osage community. The response from the tribe about the film, which looks at the events surrounding the deaths of more than 60 Osage people in Oklahoma in the 1960s, has been relatively favorable: many believe that this is a story that should be told, that it will raise awareness and do some good. I hope they are right. I hope something good comes out of this film. I hope the Natives who worked on it continue to have thriving careers and have the opportunity to make better stories for future generations. That doesn't change the fact that I walked into the cinema knowing that I was about to view several rich white men's interpretations of a violent chapter in Native history.

"Killers of the Flower Moon" opens up with a preface by Scorsese, who talks about how he's been wanting to make this film for a long time. He calls the project "proper and authentic." I am reminded of "The Revenant" and how it was praised for its authenticity and "respect." Authenticity is a euphemism non-Native filmmakers use for what Natives call "trauma porn." They think showing the absolute worst of what happened to us in grisly detail is somehow respecting us. The Osage in this film are described by Robert De Niro's character as "sickly people" whose time will run out. And sure enough, the first 30 minutes of film is a collage of dead Natives. As the film continues, hour after hour after hour, more Native men and women are killed off. [descriptions of various grisly deaths depicted in the movie.] Other than [one character being seen serenely walking into the afterlife], there is no moment of healing and catharsis for the Natives in the audience. Our wounds are reopened and left festering for the entertainment and "education" of non-Native viewers.

the full article is really good and i recommend it esp since its a relatively short read, and it really sums up how i felt seeing this movie being advertised and how im sure a lot of native people felt about it U_U

tldr generally is i cant say if the movie itself is like, terribly racist, but at the least it exists in a landscape where non-native media makers continue to find excuses to show native people being brutalized over and over again all while getting to say its because they "care so much" (if they cared theyd support n uplift native voices telling these stories) & native people are all aware of it and pretty much tired of it. so even the ones that may be doing good are, for many people (like my cynical ass lol), beyond the benefit of the doubt and at best are racist out of ignorance of the legacy theyre contributing to

#dont worry about liking or giffing the movie fr - its sooo good especially to see native actors & actresses get recognition and love #im just grumpy about The State Of Hollywood. and at least this movie is giving information abt a real life thing #and not trying to be 'progressive' with some made up colonial bullshit like last of the mohicans #anompolili #i hope this helps!! and fr dont like. take my grumpiness personally i just like to complain abt ntv stuff all the time on my tumblr xD

[panoramaofhell]

ive kind of always passively been somewhat unhappy at my job anyways primarily due to pay( but its never truly bothered me until the way i was treated today and now ive never wanted to quit more than i do now. i have to go tomorrow for like the fourth fucking eleven hour day in a row and i am absolutely dreading it after todays experience. i am laying in bed unable to sleep because the panic attacks in my chest wont stop. im so congested from crying for the last five fucking hours. my face stings. my nose and lips burn. im so dehydrated and i haven’t felt good in several days. I haven’t been eating every day, which is not like me. ive never gone off food willingly, only when im sick and even then. I just want to disappear. im at the lowest point ive been in my life in many years and im barely hanging on by a thread. i can’t get ahead. i can’t get away from my abusive father and being a slave to his side of the family . im stuck here until i inevitably kill myself because it’s not if at this point it’s when. i absolutely will hold it together for my mom but i cant help but wonder how much more abuse i csn take when im already down as it is. i really don’t want to suffer. I thought I was doing ok before i caught my “long term boyfriend” cheating on me again (i mean, i guess he never really stopped since the first time) but then that happened and yeah it’s like ripped back the curtain of the placebo. or something like that. basically im so fucking tired of being alive, i feel worthless in every way humanly possible about everything i do, say, think, or touch and i feel like no one takes ne seriously except the handful of online friends i have that i hate to constantly burden. i dont want anyone to actually hurt or feel bad because of my own actions, I just want to like go to sleep and peacefully not wake up,but without hurting or affecting anyone else’s lives in the process. but that’s not possible. so here ill toss and turn another night until i wake up tomorrow just to do all of this again.