#like god this is rly all there is huh. the waiting and the passive sadness and the financial worries and the worthless use of time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lilidhshoneynutfeelios · 5 years

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this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

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0225pm · 7 years

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guess who came all the way to my place at 330AM!!!!! lol i was so surprised bc i just got done with putting on my acne treatments for the night and was about to hit the hay already until i received a call from han. funny thing was, i thought he was super tired today since we've met each other like 3 days in a row already so i figured i should let him rest and take a break from seeing my face HAHAHAHA 😂 and then earlier in the evening around 530PM, i met up with dayah since it was her birthday yesterday and i wanted to pass her a gift i got her as well. in the midst of it all, i managed to get cupcakes (thank goodness twelve cupcakes exist at bedok mall) as an additional gift because imo a birthday without some form of cake or something similar and edible isn't really a birthday-birthday, if you get what i mean!!! and then i treated her to a little something extra which was starbucks since they still had the 1-for-1 promo going on (thanks seanna for this!!) i know everything just seems like i'm spending a lot but idk i just wanted to make her feel like she deserves all these because of what she's going through both in school and at home. besides, it's not everyday that we do these sorta things for each other! and my mom always taught me to be kind and generous if you have the means to do it!! (〃＾▽＾〃) ok and then around 7+ i think we decided to head back home since she was tired from school and was carrying a lot of gifts from her clique at school. and upon reaching home, i video called han HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! he didn't pick it up at first so i thought ah, he must be asleep and i ended the call after a couple of rings. then just as i was about to head to the toilet to remove my makeup, i felt my phone vibrate and noticed that han was video calling me HAHAHAHAAH SO I PICKED IT UP AND HE WAS LIKE, han: woa first time you video call me eh me: ya hahaha i thought you're sleeping cus you didn't pick up han: no la i didn't feel the vibration etc etc etc me: ohhhhh me: me: han: is it you video call me cus you're wearing makeup??? me: LOLOLOLOLOL me: omg how you know HAAHAHAHHAHAAH this is, but true HAHAHAAH. i'm slowly tryna get comfortable with my skin and even after han had already seen me FRIKIN BARE FACED IN REAL LIFE during my visit to the clinic the other time for my acne meds, i still am so shy and embarrass to let him see my naked and makeup-free face even after all these time hahahaha even after he told me how much he doesn't care and it doesn't even bother him and how much he still adores and loves me no matter how shit i look and still give me lots of kisses and holds my hands in public but lol i still feel so..... shy and not confident enough. i feel like i should dress to match how good he looks because he slays all the time y'all like forrealz idk how he does it but he looks bomb all the time. and then after awhile he had to end the call because he had something to do and then he thanked me for video calling him for the first time ever haahhaahahah ヽ(；▽；)ノ anyway fast forward the time to about maybe 8/9pm or so. we were just having a normal conversation, with him replying sometimes instantly and sometimes taking up to 30 mins *rolls eyes* it was mostly about whether he had already had his dinner or not and then because i already had starbucks with dayah i sent him a photo of it telling him that if he's not tired on friday (his first day off) then maybe we can go grab it together since it's the last day of the promo. i think he saw my instastory cus the next moment he said something like "yeah and you light the savory one" and i was just LOL-ing because i thought he was sleepy which was the reason for the typos. and then i wanted to ask him to play ml with me but LOL HE ALR GM4 damn fast or what this bugger (also bc he's always playing ranked games more than classic/brawl. unlike me, i played like idk how many games of brawl already). then around 10PM he asked me to play first and then he'll join later. so i said ok ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but i was too busy doing other shit like removing my make up (yes i haven't removed my make up after the video call) and moisturizing, my skincare routine la basically and by the time i wanted to play ml i think it was already around 11+. and then suddenly he came online right at the time when i just ended my game and then he told me to play one round together then he's gonna go sleep. i was kinda bummed like aiya one round je?? but it's late and i know he has work later early in the morning so i said ok and then we played one round together and lost terribly i think cus he was lagging??? and his friend was lagging too or smth i'm not sure hahaha. but overall i am also now GM4!!!! i didn't see his goodnight message on ml until after 1 so i texted him asking if he was already asleep. but i kinda suspected that he was fast asleep cus he didn't reply after i double texted him again at like 2+ almost 3AM, sending him a screenshot of the new menu at macdonalds HAHAHAHAHA!!! and then suddenly he called me and i was so shocked?? bc at that time i was alr preparing to hit the hay. i excitedly picked up his call and asked him why isn't he asleep yet!!! then he said smth like he woke up or smth and saw my msg so i was like oh ok but he sounded super fresh like as though he just had a super good sleep. and then he said he wanted to go to the toilet and will call me back later but i told him to bring me along LOOOOL and then he said noooo for what but i said bring meeeeeeee. he ended up bringing me but putting me on mute. BUT WHAT SHOCKED ME THE MOST WAS WHEN I HEARD KNOCKING ON MY WINDOW WTF LA. cus it was already so damn late who tf would be knocking on my window right. and i was on the phone with han at that moment as well and i thought it was my brother but he's in camp!!!! so it's definitely not him. never in my mind would i have thought that it was actually han :') wtf i can't believe he came all the way to my place at such an ungodly timing. i was so touched!!!!!! he's so sweet ;;;;;;; what did i even do to deserve such a wonderful boyfriend like him omg. other people will probably think he's a creep for doing things like this but wtf i rly love it bc when someone rly loves you they do silly things like this and sacrifice and risk themselves just to see you and be with you!!!! i made him wait a rly long time and i was truly sorry but i'm not gonna go out looking like a kentang that just went through the fryer with my oily ass haven't shampoo hair and my stinky face full of spot treatments LOL so i went to wash my face, used lots of dry shampoo to soak up my oily hair and then put on a huge ass hoodie lmaO. the moment i stepped outta the house, han: what took u so long???? me: um i look like shit han: *embraces me from back* me: um *blushes but he can't see thank god* han: *continues back hugging into the lift* me: why u come all the way here omg?????? han: hmmmm *still hugging* me: somemore you got work later then must go all the way back lol wtf i'm so passive aggressive when i actually fucking highkey loves the fact that he's right in front of my eyes in physical form LOL me: *waddles bc han is still back hugging me* han: me: me: me: *unlocks han's embrace to turn around and face him before i flung my arms around his neck into a tight hug* he smells so good ;-; he smells just like he came out from the showers or something omg i love his smell?????? is that a thing hahaahha then we held hands and walked to mcds but lol it wasn't dinner/supper anymore cus by 4 they changed the menu to breakfast which was ok by me but i think han actually wanted to have their dinner set bc he wanted to try the new menu but das ok we can always get it another time!! OH AND WHILE WALKING he said, "u never notice anything ah?" then i was like huh and i looked down at what he was staring/pointing at. and i realized he was wearing the jeans i got him hehehehe and it fits him quite well!!!!!!! sorry i wasn't observant i was still in a state of surprise to notice or maybe it's bc you look like a million bucks all the time already ;) and then around 4+ 5 he had to leave to avoid the morning commuters :( i was sad bc he's leaving so early but i can't be selfish either bc i don't want him to be stuck in a jam and then be late bc of my selfishness so he booked a grab and after many many many kisses and warm hugs, he left since the grab driver already arrived. but lol he keyed in the wrong location and then i booked another grab for him instead with the right location this time (he got the same driver ahahahaha) and watched him get in the car safely before i went in, washed up, sent him a text and falling asleep soundly hehe. best boyfriend award goes to you ♡

#adaywithhan #julywithhan #270717

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