lilidhshoneynutfeelios

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

perennial abandonment

you ever think about how regularly people leave your life

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

you ever think about how regularly people leave your life

#im going to be lonely forever ( :

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

yankee transmascs literally have the worst takes about dysphoria holy shit

#british transes: dysphoria is key to how my life is medicalised and made more difficult and we should avoid framing trans discussions on #terms that were made to work against us and our self understanding #yankee transmascs: dysphoria is real and its how i avoid understanding cissie gender trauma uwu

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

ive always had a v visceral yuck reaction to other trans womens’ visible sexualities and like, idk how to deal with that?

#i hooked up with a sister once and that was fun but like #not really a safe option rn and also #shagging people as a form of praxis is a good way to (re)traumatise yourself #im(e)o #not fair on them either #fun hookup tho #and like my problem isnt really with the act-i-do #its with #seeing other trans women actively have sexualities and not being like #grossed or dismissive about it #today on internalised transmisogyny #in fairness i've been worse with just #womens' sexualities in general in the past and i've learnt to celebrate the women in my life having #good safe fun #ive just like #obviously failed in some aspects there tho if i'm having like #visceral reactions to something that should be #beautiful and liberating and sweet #(would help if there was less chaser porn thoooo)

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

now that ive cut them out of my life i feel, for the first time in like ever, that i have a shot at life. i just gotta scape a 2:1 and survive for a bit and then survive for the rest of it. 

#they were dangerous to me #they wanted to ruin me in the head #i cant have that in my life #i dont have the time #i have surviving to do

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

she came over again yesterday. we were both tired from the weekend (i was on nightshifts, and she was dealing w the student newspaper) so we thought we would do something chill. we picked up some ingredients, cycled over to a bar for a bit, came in and cooked food together. she had never had burns night supper so we made that w veggie haggis. i worry i mightve been annoying. we went out at like, 18 and got back in at like 23h, so we were surprised when i checked the clock and it was 04h. it felt like not much time had passed at all. she left at about 05h30. i got pretty dysphoric after she left. sometimes like that it is from being around pretty people, maybe more it was just about being tired. i get easily upset when i’m tired. we both got pretty sleepy by the end, i offered to let her crash. she said she never sleeps the first time in a new place, so not this time. 

i’m a little scared to go back to work, i was off for a couple months and i come back tomorrow night, i came out as trans in the interim and i havent got a new badge or uniform yet. i work in care and some people who i support might take issue with me being trans, which is scary. 

i had a nice date on sunday. we had met before but never really talked. we were going to the vegan cafe together, and ran into eachother cycling there. i teased her a bit for playing the stereotype: overside pattern shirt over a turtleneck, take your date to a vegan cafe, bike riding dyke. I’m fair game for this game too: with my septum and my dungarees. I hope i didn’t sound mean. we stayed until it closed, I asked her if she wanted to go to a pub, and we stayed there for a bit. she is more of a lightweight than me. it was cute. she taught me a dutch tongue twister. i played scottish tourguide and got her some whiskies to share and compare. i cycled her home, but she invited me in and we had tea and toast and talked until she got tired. she showed me her flatmates, and some cool things about the house. She seemed more comfortable in the house. all in all we mostly just talked from like, 2 in the afternoon until half midnight. i worry i talked too much, or overstayed my welcome. but i think it being so long means it went well? she sent me a whole bunch of astrology memes today. there’s a lot of common ground but there’s also a lot of hesitance. i will maybe try to see her some point next week?

I have been eating a lot of comfort food recently. i mostly just eat in the evenings to help calm down. i’m eating the same 3 times over and over and trying not to stress. i should start prepreparing lunches bc ive bought too many meal deals this week

#she brought me some old copies of the student newspaper with an article i had liked #she insisted on buying the ingredients #presumably because i had bought lunch the last time #i think maybe she took offence to that a bit #i'm not so sure #i had a good time #i cant uh #really read signals from people #good or bad #and it gets quite difficult

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

i’m a little scared to go back to work, i was off for a couple months and i come back tomorrow night, i came out as trans in the interim and i havent got a new badge or uniform yet. i work in care and some people who i support might take issue with me being trans, which is scary. 

i had a nice date on sunday. we had met before but never really talked. we were going to the vegan cafe together, and ran into eachother cycling there. i teased her a bit for playing the stereotype: overside pattern shirt over a turtleneck, take your date to a vegan cafe, bike riding dyke. I’m fair game for this game too: with my septum and my dungarees. I hope i didn’t sound mean. we stayed until it closed, I asked her if she wanted to go to a pub, and we stayed there for a bit. she is more of a lightweight than me. it was cute. she taught me a dutch tongue twister. i played scottish tourguide and got her some whiskies to share and compare. i cycled her home, but she invited me in and we had tea and toast and talked until she got tired. she showed me her flatmates, and some cool things about the house. She seemed more comfortable in the house. all in all we mostly just talked from like, 2 in the afternoon until half midnight. i worry i talked too much, or overstayed my welcome. but i think it being so long means it went well? she sent me a whole bunch of astrology memes today. there’s a lot of common ground but there’s also a lot of hesitance. i will maybe try to see her some point next week?

I have been eating a lot of comfort food recently. i mostly just eat in the evenings to help calm down. i’m eating the same 3 times over and over and trying not to stress. i should start prepreparing lunches bc ive bought too many meal deals this week

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

I wish i had some positive experiences with like, negative feedback. I want feedback and I (like everyone) need to be told they’re wrong sometimes. Bad house bad childhood bad brain and now any negative feedback just wrecks me

#an editor told me an article needed 'a lot of work' today and i could feel my heart in my chest #i havent read any feedback on my philosophy essays from last term #i have some positive experiences with negative feedback but they either come from a bad timeplace or i was too foolish at the time to #recognise what i needed to do #many people are very patient with me and they dont deserve that #i'm gonna post smthn cute abt my date on sunday

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

ah i forgot that part where i’m wildly uncomfortable w people coming on to me half the time bc of someone

#so i have to come on to people #which is fun sometimes but #idk

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

me, spending years bottoming in dangerous situations where i’m not entirely in control of whats going on as a mechanism of dealing with your dysphoria and touchstarvation: this is fine

me, then in a long term relationship, but unable to have loving intimate sex with my partner bc of dysphoria, so instead having weird domme-couple/sub-guest threesomes so that i can play a role in bed rather than just be intimate and open about my body and what i want: this is fine

me, closing my eyes and going ragdoll as a premise for bottoming with my partner bc i really cant look at my body and i have to physically disassociate to feel good: this is fine

me, festering on these problems and not realising the role dysphoria takes in my sex life and ultimately having a break down in sexual intimacy with my then-partner: this is fine

me, haphazardly leaning into a new stone top identity: this is fine, and totally not part of a pattern 

#like #i like being stone top sometimes #its fun and so much abt sex is about getting to see the other person really lose it #but like #idk #someone come hold me for a bit #my current partner i feel comfortable with and its good and theres better communication #(so we can blame myself for previous partner bad communication) #but theres still this brick wall between me and intimacy #thats like #idk at least i'm not straight lmao

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

i’m better at saying no to people rn i think, on dating sites and in general

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

its quite terrifying to think how much i hurt people last year

#for a lot of it #i dont feel like it was me that did it #it was like i was having a dream of me smashing up everything in a room with hammers #and then i woke up and the room was smashed up #i didnt feel in control of myself #or in reality #and its quite terrifying to know that in that situation you can and did hurt people

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

the thing abt being a butch trans woman is, like, idk i feel ok to do masc things these days, but like, i feel like i always have to do the womans version? does that make sense? like i can wear a sleeveless shirt or smthn, but it has to be like this dark burgundy. like there’s this calculus in other peoples heads where they add up all the gendering theyve done and i’ve gotta gotta like, water down my mascness to like, pass in any way

#lmao passing doesnt happen but you get the idea #id love to like #fix my voice and my facial hair and my hairline enough that i can like #maybe have short hair and not get worried abt gendering #or like #wear like a white or black sleeveless shirt w some chinos or smthn #whenever i talk to uni staff and they have to call someone else it always goes 'they' then 'he' #which would be funny if i didnt hate it #edit from the next day: womens tshirts for like #tshirt and chino looks #is another thing

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

i am trying to be more open with the uh everything but that also means the characters in these stories could read that and im not sure thats always good

#i tried to teach myself a couple years to always speak about someone as if they were holding a glass to the door #and that failed #now i try to speak about someone as if someone similar was in the room #if you are bitching abt someone #this thought helps you be quite precise in what you mean #as you dont want to say something bitchy abt the similar imaginary person #who is identical to the original person apart from the flaw you are bitching abt #i think bitching abt ppl is important and i was wrong to give it up for that time #but i did learn some things i think #not always things that i apply on this side blog though #most of this is stream of consciousness #which could be dangerous #oftentimes i find myself worrying about how i treated them #i have acted below par towards them #i have done wrong things #i think #and often i think about asking #what happened and what should have happened #especially as my memory seems to blank #but what is an appropriate response #im not sure i could sit down with someone and pen and paper and form one #i think everyone is better now #as people #i should uh #maybe talk to a professional about last year

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

butch mxsculinity keeps me sane i s2g 

idk if it was like as a result of the worse case scenario for me coming out coming true but like i’ve gained a lot of confidence to like talk abt gender stuff recently in places other than like my blog or partner or a few friends 

and like more confidence to not feel i have to be feminine to have my gender be respected like theres been a few times recently where i’ve been performing masc l ike male masc either for an act or a joke or like for the drag party i went as an american frat boy, and i havent gotten misgendered? like that’s really reassuring and like try explaining that to like 17YO me 

like i consider myself like gnc/butch and i think a lot of butches ik keep me sane like i’ll be freaking out about like facial hair or bulges or broad shoulders or whatever and and theres all these interactions between like wlws where thats butch attractiveness? and it kinda calms me down, theres this rly cute soft butch in aberdeen that i like w a tiny lil moustache i love it and like, butch bulges tho hmu 👀👀👀

queer is beautiful, not because there is some beautiful that queer is, but because queer is its own beautiful. a concept of beauty exists within the concept of queerness, independently of other beauties. queer is its own culture with its own things-that-are-beautiful.

i’m a lot more confident talking abt like sex and sexuality and not feeling that i have to pretend to be a bottom? to like, not be considered a man or a freak? like i’m a domme service top / stone butch like, most of the time rn, and i really like that

like in the past sex and sexuality was like, a lot of dysphoria and i’d just zone out or get drunk or get into unhealthy habits and events and rn i have like, better approaches to it all and its been rly good. i kinda lament a lot of lost intimacy w people i really liked being intimate with though. 

i think oestrogens rly gone for my face recently 

i think the last couple months have been good for me, like, gender wise. i’m a cocky butch. and i’m cute. and god can suck my strap :)

#once again #butch bulges tho hmu 👀👀👀

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

busy day today

went for tea with v close friend to calm down before a meeting at uni. meeting was about funding for 4th year now that i’m an orphan. have to do some talking with SAAS. i also got a course changed but its not showing up on the timetable, so i see whats up there tomorrow. i think i mightve made the friend uncomfortable so i will ask. i’m glad they came with me. meeting was rough.

after that my strap appointment cancelled so i went to the union and got myself a subway and pint. i sat on the internet for a bit with a vegan meat ball marinara (its pretty bad). ive never ordered a subway myself before. while i was eating the strap appointment uncancelled and i went home for that. 

I find myself craving comfort foods very often. carb and cheese and carb and cheese and white bread toast. broth and tea. i feel that i’ve regressed a little. i find myself looking for the same kind of comedy i enjoyed when i was 16. the same brand of pierogi i hate when i was 19. i find myself comfort eating, and sleeping, lying on a heated blanket. i’m more anxious at more things now. i am capable, but i am also terrified. last year did some odd things to me. 

the strap appointment was good. she was nervous to begin with, and very flattering. my job starts here, i said, pointing where a shirt collar would otherwise cover a love bite. i’ve never been with a girl before? which people don’t expect of me. just men and nb ppl.  she’s trans so naturally we exchanged discords aftewards lmao. i mostly played stone butch. but after she left i would though i’d take the biggest thing in my ass to date and cum twice. she looked very good sucking strap.  

she said afterwards that she felt really comfortable, which was nice to hear. she was shaking a bit to begin with. she tried whiskey for the first time, and her third time with any alcohol. i struggle a lot with like, these nasty narratives surrounding trans people and their sexuality and wlws and their sexuality and how we’re all predatory cumbrains etc etc. it’s weird to feel like an intruder in your own bed. i have casual am poly and promiscuous and am bi, i think, so its like, there’s no pleasing people who think i’m a sexfreak. 

she said she would put in a new catheter and leave. i said that i worked in a care home, and by this point i’d probably seen every brand of cathetar bag there is.  i hope maybe she comes round again, shes also welcome to like, come watch stuff and cuddle or smthn also. i said all this before she went. 

After some Time Myself i had a shower and nap. then some pierogi. comfort food .

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

i’m taking a big breath, and trying to calm down, bc someone who acted poorly bc of his attraction to me now isnt even into girls apparently. i shouldn’t be indignant about this. but you always want your suffering to be justified and logical and consistent. everyone involved suffered in unnecessary ways, but its gotten to the point i feel where it is just me and them who it continues to bother, rather than him

#not to be snide but #i can play the vague post game too ! #i can sub out names for pronouns and leave the story told to few in the open ! #(and godhelpme youve done that enough about me) #(she's told everyone this and she's made everyone hate me that) #i dont deserve to be talked about like that and for once in my gay life im stooping to pronoun based vaguing #he should apologise to them #and he's had opportunities to