#im not mad at anyone but myself here. i just wish i was better. and not a total waste of space.

[n0ct0urn1quet]

hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive

#2023 off to a banger start for me (got into an argument with my mom on new years about her bf reminding me of my abusive dad #and havent had peace or a good nights sleep since!!!!!!!!!!!) #i am absolutely fucking miserable and i just donot want to Do It anymore #i hate this house i hate the people i live with i hate this world and i hate everything thats happening to jme but i cant do anytihing #i cant do anything to Fix Anything i cant do anything abt my problems theres just so much Wrong With Me that i dont know how to fix #i dont know if i CAN fix most of the issues i have. i have so much ptsd and trauma from so many different things and its all just. hghg #and i want so badly to just let it out and talk to the people Around Me about it bc it is Serious and i shouldnt be just not talking about #it but. i just cant bring myself to Do That. i am constantly afraid that the people around me will be angry with me if i even so much as #speak up about the things that make me upset and its not their fault and its no ones fault but my own and i just dont know what to Do #im scared of confrontation and im worried that if i try to talk about it its gonna lead to an argument!!! i know it wouldnt but im terrifed #so id rather just not talk about it. which then leads to the problem not getting resolved because. fuck man im sure the people around me #know that somethings up but i never bring it up so therefore they never find out and it gets swept under the rug like all my other issues #i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open #ive never been good at it and i feel so BAD because like. yes i love you. yes i trust you and i know you would never ever be mad at me #for just talking about my feelings. i know this and i love you for it. but im so bad at conveying that. even though i trust you with mylife #im just bad at opening up. it does not matter how long we've known each other its just such a struggle for me to Be Open to anyone #of course its not much better that im coming to tumblr and puttign this here for 100+ people to see but just. i dont know #im mentally unstable ive never had good coping mechanisms and im the only person awake and everyone else that i usually vent to is asleep #so all my thoughts just get piled up into one messy little ball and it gets thrown to tumblr because i need somewhere to put them #im sorry. im exhausted. its been a long week and i wish i could just hybernate for the rest of the month and not interact with anyone #i just wish i could mvoe out and live with my gf and our cat. that is all i want and that is the only thing that would fix me

[medicasino]

vent below so dont feel like you have to read this 👍i simply have no where else to put this bc i dont want to Bother My Friends

god i wish i could just kill myself but i like. cant. there's too much stopping me. but i dont want to do anything anymore. i dont want to deal with this constant misery of being trapped in a brain with a death wish hellbent on making me want to die horrifically. i wish people just hated me outright so i had a good excuse to just call it quits on life and die

#affie txt #vent #suicide tw #suicidal ideation tw #suicide cw #suicidal ideation cw #i like playing games but literally everything besides that just feels pointless. i want to draw but like. its miserable. #even creating stories is stressful now because nothing i can come up with is even the slightest bit original #its all just utter garbage. i want to give up. i dont want to deal with this shit #please god just hate me already. i wish everyone just wanted me to die #so i could. so i could just lay down and never get up. i hate working i hate having to take care of myself i hate doing anything #i hate living in this house i hate the way ive become! i wish i wasnt so demotivated and lazy! i miss being able to DO THINGS! #but at this point im 17 and still an absolute fucking failure who just lives to disappoint . i want to kill myself but i cant #i dont know why people even care about me. because im really a terrible friend #every time i read past conversations ive had with people i want to die because im just so unlikeable i DONT GET why people stick around #im not mad at anyone but myself here. i just wish i was better. and not a total waste of space. #i want to die! i want to die! i want to die!!! #ugh its like i feel these things but also i feel nothing. like im empty. this is all my genuine thoughts and im losing it but also i feel s #disconnected from all of this #i feel so much yet so little. lol im truly just fucked up huh #whatever #im really sorry to be a bother #i really am i just have nowhere to go #and i dont want to bother my friends ig #repetition cw #repetition #repetition tw

[mrstsung]

My hc mk12/mk1 shang tsung self ship au quotes:

*note i only do my hc version of mk12/mk1 shang tsung. This is also just for fun. So canon divergent extreme. Because i have kollectively decided that the storymode is shit,the narrative is shit,and my hc verse is just a young master shang tsung in outworld during his time under the corrupt regime of edenia and outworld. Under shao Kahn's heelboot. That being said enjoy.*

Cw:language,(also it's mortal kombat you should know better),canon divergence,some nsft implications,some angst,self indulgent to hell. Not an x reader. If there is anything i forgot lemme know so i can properly citation this. <3

Green is shang

Purple is me

💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚🐍💚

"If you can be anything,be a menace to them my dear,much more fulfilling"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why should i trust you?"

"The question you actually wish to ask my dear,is why not? But also can i afford not to? What alternative is there truly? The emperor cares not for earthrealmers,i should know. I was once one of them."

"Fair point. I don't like anyone here. And i need to get back home somehow. So im stuck with you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're lucky he's dead,he would have eaten you....though you have a sweet little soul. I think he may get cavities" *chuckles*

"Are you always this a sarcastic insufferable dick?"

"No,but for you it's just too fun not to be beautiful"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*scenario: hiding from warrior guards. Me n shang unfortunately are hiding in a compromising position. And he's kinda feelin the cobra rise*

"I think we lost them shang"

*notices somethin be poking me back*

"Wait...is that....*whisperes heavily* SHANG!"

*blushes and turns away* "apologizes my dear"

"Ugh" *blushing*

"Could you really blame a man though?,you do have a rather...pleasing posterior"

*blushes harder and gets more mad n flustered* (look im tsundere af im easy to tease. Shang would have a field day with me)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*shang reading a book. Sees me walk into his bed chambers with nothing on but a big ol shirt.*

*puts the book down*

"Oh my,well well. Don't you look delectable ♡"

"It's nothing really. I mean it's a simple big black shirt i had in my backpack,Nothing special. I mean i packed very lightly before i fell into this weird mess of a realm."

"Even so. It fits you oh so nicely. Shows all of your greatest....assets."

"Stop shang,you're just trying to make me feel better" *looks away,kinda feeling low about appearance*

"No,no i mean it. You're beautiful. You think of everyone but yourself. Take care of everyone else but you. You deserve the best in life. And i wouldn't settle for less than. Neither should you."

*sits me in front of a mirror in his bed chambers*

"My dear look at your curves,your hair how it flows. Your beautiful lips. Your dark eyes with yearning. A fire and passion burns in your soul,waiting to be free. And if you let me,and ask of me. I shall help set it free. Free from worry,pain,never again will you doubt yourself."

"I dunno shang,i just think of myself as well...me. nothin really that special."

*shang thinking he needs a better approach. As he realizes flattery can get so far. Though he genuinely means every word. He thinks to himself "this woman has a worried mind,and has been hurt before perhaps." *

"Nonsense! You look at me *lifts my head with finger under my chin* you are special. I have seen into your very soul. You are unique. Every one is. But you,see me as i am. Not as i say. With you i dont need to hide. No honeyed words can sway you,tho your face blushes red. Nothing that i have done so far strays you from me. Even now i show you my place of dwelling and though i am but the emperors courtly mage i still am forced to live in a more less than ideal home. All the gold and treasures you see before is through tournaments in the Coliseum. Nothing but trinkets either from the emperor for being a "good dog" or from the crowds to see slaughter for the bloodsport of the gods. Yet this doesn't frighten you,or turn you from me. I know that feeling of not liking what you see before you. But believe me when i say. A body will rot. But the soul....ah the soul my dear lives on for eternity. It's the truest of ones self. And within you i see a rose among the gardens of weeds and pompous fools gold. A heart that i honestly and deeply can say is Phoenix like. Noble,beautiful, and rising above such insects below you."

"Shang...i...dunno what else to say,i mean I'm flattered but.... Did you mean all that?"

"Every word my dear,every word. But dont just take my words,believe in yourself. Please. I dont like seeing you be so hard on yourself. A man such as i,can not truly pass. But you do,and can. Wish not for a life not worth lived. And loved."

"Shang,i....thank you"

*embraces shang in a deep hug*

*shang embraces back*

(Oof sorry i got carried away there. 😅 but i thought of a scenario where in all honesty i may feel a lil inadequacy in edenia/outworld. Because everyone there looks "appealing" while i feel like an outsider, which i am technically. But fr it would feel awkward. And basically shang telling me. That my looks dont matter my heart and soul does. And edenians and outworlders have a tendency to be fake af and he likes my honesty and down to earth vibe. In other words shang likes my homilyness and none of that "person who tries to hard to look good but has a shitty personality and only likes him for what he can give them and not him for him,even when he is old and grey and low on souls and not doin so hot. Etc" crap he may have gotten before with others.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You will not fucking dare harm her!"

"Less you lose your head reiko"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Shang....what are you doing?"

"Clearly smoking and pondering the universes secrets" *takes a hit from his hookah*

*snickers* "what does the universe tell you oh wise and deep one?"

"It tells me that if you keep up that snark you may find yourself on the receiving end on my dragon's claws" *gestures with clawed rings*

*blush*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ah fuck, quick! what do i do now shang?!"

"If you Kill their pride they'll usually fall down"

*hits the opponent in the balls so hard that it would make 95 johnny cage proud*

"Not exactly what i ment but that'll work"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*me n shang bathing together*

"You know,I've noticed that your sweet side is you best side"

"Well that's a Good thing to hear,because you're the only one who's seen it"

*kisses my forehead*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*this is suggestive.

So take it as you want.>:3c hee hee*

"That's....like a lot shang."

"Apologizes dear,it's been a while"

"How about i clean that up for you? *flirty look*

"I'd like that very much ♡"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well that's all for now. May make some more later.

💚🐍💋

#mortal kombat #self ship #self shipping #shang tsung #💚heart and soul🐍 #shang tsung mortal kombat #mk f/o #antagonist f/o #villain f/o #villain/antagonist f/o #shang tsung self indulgent hcs #my hcs #shang tsung hcs #my self ship hcs #my hcs version of mk12/mk1 shang tsung

[staliamazing]

tag game TEHEH

name: sarah !!!! c'est moi

age: twenty, to be twenty-one soon-ish. i am planning a party. will i go through with it? who's to say.

star sign: taurus sun, capricorn rising, gemini moon. i have beef with geminis so the last one deeply upsets me.

first language: english

second language: je parle français !!

i was near fluent and have my B2 but don't practice anymore. i am considering getting back into it because i feel i need more hobbies and highly regret throwing out all my textbooks and notes. (that's a whole other story i LOVED school and threw out all my damn notes and stuff?!?!? sarah you dumb dumb)

favorite lip product: that lush lip scrub! i've lost my peppermint tub but anticipate it turning up when i least expect it. my lips always has excess skin peeling off for some reason so its great to feel exfoliated!

the best food dish you can make without a recipe? um. pizza bread! pizza, pizza sauce, cheese. eat up friends!

if you drink tea, what kind? none, get away from me. SOMETIMES lipton peach iced tea but only if im at mad mex.

if you drink coffee, what roast do you usually get? see last answer. i get the jitters.

favorite thing to watch on youtube right now: THE BALD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. i;ve been watching upwards of two episodes every night in bed.

favorite thing to watch on youtube in 2012: for sure mormon family vloggers. pick a channel i probably watched them. i have no fucking clue why!

favorite item of clothing right now: new graphic tee! the alice oseman x everpress collab with this gorg patchwork design and all little queer and trans doodles over it! the proceeds went to LGBTQIA+ refugees <3 i fucking love graphic tees holy shit

favorite item of clothing in 2012: some form of graphic leggings im certain.

fandom -

three movies you recommend: the half of it on netflix - watched recently and was confused but pleasantly surprised

your favorite concert: either one i went to with my gf! they were both great experiences even though i was shitting myself before both because i have a lot of sound and crowd sensitiivities ( # actually autistic). i loved being in the pit for ATL despite not knowing any songs and i like how you can feel the music inside you.

have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? no i've actually followed someone because i love getting mad <3 over time i have grown to really respect them and where their views come from which im proud of because i can be a bit close-minded.

the best tv show you watched last year: i watch a lot of shows! recently though i watched euphoria and understood the hype. couldn't rewatch though. it felt like a disservice to the shock factor i feel like the show really feeds off.

do you have a fancasting you just can’t let go of? don't pay much attention to fancasts!

a ship you’ve abandoned: im so sorry amy and rory from doctor who... i legit met them too. it just doesnt hit the same and im glad they divorced. amy was too swept up in the doctor and rory is a damn sweetheart who honestly deserves better. ALSO maya and lucas from girl meets world - bit random honestly why did they do that. lucas and riley from day one. maya and zay!

on a scale of 1-10 how willing are you to share your ao3 history? 7? depends on who to! anyone on here sure. not real people they'd be like "what do you mean you like fics where that little thug man wears short skirts" they just wouldnt UNDERSTAND

what fandom do you wish was bigger? tori spring fandom! maybe it is and i just dont know but.

do you have a fandom tattoo? yah, the fandom of my high school english teacher! most of my tats are literary inspired and specifically books i read in school for the curriculum.

my others are - phoebe bridgers related

gf related (she tattooed me) (fave fandom) (she's the best)

has a finale ever ruined a show for you? definitely i just can't remember which lmao im sorry

have you…

swam in an ocean? yep! swam is a strong word though. i've been in and bobbed up and down! i usually run from the tide.

been vegan/vegetarian? both! at different times. it was very much part of my friend and family culture growing up.

gone skinny dipping? yes, in my exs best friends dads girlfriends dead uncles pool :) honestly 10/10 swimming with clothes on is so random? i think its so beautiful how people look under the blue wavy water of the pool.

gone skiing? no i am scared of the snow since learning about crevasses in year 4 and almost falling off a ski lift at a very young age. i do love the cold and the ski lodge episode of gmw though.

thanks for the tag @iansw0rld, these are fun :)

#tag game

[scoupssolo]

semi-permanent-Idk hiatus

i've been thinking about this for so long it's honestly kind of stupid. But I’ve lost a lot of passion for creating and sharing for seventeen. Don't get me wrong, Cheol and the boys are still the loves of my life i still adore them and i want to create and they make me creative but I just cant take the stress. I feel like I’ve spent so much time and so much money sharing and creating for the fandom and hours upon hours creating things that just don't get traction. and yeah that's whiny I know it, but I literally find myself constantly stopping halfway through an elaborate gfx because im like whats the point when if I don't reblog it 20 times it wont even hit 50 notes. and i know my content isn't for everyone and i know i'm not making content for a more popular member so i can't really expect much, but i spend more time arguing with reposters than anything else on here. And it just really hurts. and i know that's stupid and silly but I can’t help it. I spend so much time recording and compiling things and spend money to share things and I just feel so disconnected from everything. I know i’m also at fault for the fact that i’m so insanely shy I cannot talk to ppl first, ever. but I don't know... I spent a good 20 hours on making content for cheol’s birthday this year and didn't bother to post after a few days because it's so disheartening. 

I don't want to stop making content for him, I love him more than anything in the world to be quite honest, and it just shatters my heart to not make things, but it also just sucks to watch them flop almost constantly. i don't know if i’m just extra sensitive because i’ve had covid for over a week or if i'm just hitting a limit but i don't know if I wanna keep making things or sharing things on here anymore. I wont remove any of the masterlists i've made or paid content i’ve shared, I just won't be making more or any of that. as least not for a while. And I’m not saying. I don't love it here because I do there are so many people I love and adore on here, that I wish I was better at talking to and being friends with because I’d probably feel less bleh. And this isn't anyone else's fault and i'm not upset or mad at ppl (except reposters i still hope they all choke) but i'm just not sure anymore, and until I am i’ll probably just be active on @chanstopher. Im sorry this is so long and full of complaining, I just am sad and needed to finally get it out. 

if you read this far i appreciate it, and I’m sorry for being so negative. I’ll still answer asks and questions and help ppl because I can’t help it, it’s who I am. I just dont think I’ll be making anything for a while, or maybe at all. I’m not sure. I’m hoping a break will help and I’ll want to do it anyway damned the notes, but I’m really just not sure right now.

love Dreamy

#neg tw #ok im gonna go do anything else but be online right now <3 #i'll probably post on cheol's birthday and then that will be it til ??? #i know like 10 ppl will care about this asdg but thats fine #edit: i really appreciate all the asks i’ve gotten but i’m not gonna post the responses #just know i appreciate them and i love you all very much

[chaos-grimlin]

Hi!! Thumper again! Im here posting Fanfic and shorts! You can read this Fanfic on Both Tumbler (Crustylustyrasin) and wattpad (Crustymustyrasin)

Why me? (Nubbins Sawyer x Y/N)

Intro:In 1974 a tragedy which befell on a group of six youths, in particular Y/n L/n and he dear friend Sally Hardesty. It's all the more tragic that all of them where young. But they had lived very long lives, thry could not have expected nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. For them an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. The events of thst day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history. The kidnapping of Y/n L/n and the Texas chainsaw massacre..

Chapter 2- the graveyard

Word count:1008

Previously on "Why me? A Nubbins Sawyer x Y/n book" :

Chapter 1- the radio :A I dont know was all that Kirk got out before Sally shut the whole conversation down before it turned into a huge argument..

^^^Time skip by Bubba dancing^^^

~~~Y/n P.O.V~~~

I looked out the window as we pulled into the grave site. More people then expected were there.

Jerry parked the van and Pam, Kirk, Jerry, and Sally all hopped out.

"My granddaddys buried here." Could we find out if anything happened to him?" Sally squeaked out as she walked to a old man with a straw hat on.

"Whats your grandaddys name?" A much younger man in red said as he looked down at Sally.

"honey, that big heavy feller thats standing with that flashlight in his hand, thats the sheriff." The older man started. "You go tell him your Granddaddys buried in there." He added.

"Okay, thank you" Sally said with a smile wich the old man returned.

"Say, fella, im going to run off with your girl a minute. You don't mind do you?" The younger man in red said as he gently grasped Sallys arm and started walking off with her.

"Honey, ill get you to the sheriff. Come on." The man said.

I sat in the Van with Franklin, who rolled himself to the edge of the van.

"Been in there the whole time, unbeknownst to Clyde. Clyde didn't know either. They didnt know why" a what im gussing was a drunk older man said as another laid on the ground laughing.

I inched myself over so I was beside Franklin at the door, i looked down at the man on the floor.

"Things happen here about they dont tell about. I see things" the drunk man on the ground stammered out as he looked at me and Franklin with wide eyes .

I looked over at Franklin before looking back at the old man.

"You see," drool coveres his grey beard as he stammered out his words.

"They say it's just an old man talking. You laugh at an old man. Theres them that laughs and knows better." The old man blabbered as he started letting out strange forced laughes.

Franklin wheeled himself back into the van while I stayed at the door, looking down at the old man. I was interested, confused even on what this drunk was talking about, his words slurred togeather and his voice seemed forced.

I soon moved back into the van beside Franklin as we waited for Sally to come back.

~~~Time skip by Mr drunk man~~~

"Yes, they're sure. The man said they could tell of the grave jad been drug up. Franklin, don't worry, I saw it myself, it didnt look dug up to me" Sally said.

We were once again back on the road.

I sat in the back, digging around in the bag I had brought with me. I rummaged through everything i had brought, first aid, extra clothes, money, a small water bottle, and earphones for my mp3 player that I had forgotten.

I let out a sigh as i sat criss cross in the back.

"Ugh oh! What's that?" Sally said her voice laced with disgust, and thats when it hit me. A god awful smell, the smell of dead things and rotten meat. It was a smell that could make anyone sick.

"What smells?!" I asked as i forced myself as I lifted my hand and pinched my nose, trying to stop thr smell from attacking my nose.

"What is that stench?" Kirk hissed out as he looked around, trying to find the sorce of that horrid smell.

"Roll up the window" he added as Jerry rolled up the front window and I closed up the back ones.

"Hey thats the old slaughterhouse" Franklin said, practically answering everyone's question on what the gut wrenching smell was.

"Thats where grandpa used to sell his cattle!" Franklin said as he put his large hand on Sallys small shoulder.

"Hey we got an uncle that works at one of those places outside of Ft. Worth. Hey, see those buildings there?" Franklin said as he lifted his hand from Sally and pointed at a small string of far away buildings, I strained my neck to see them.

"That's were they kill em they bash! them in the head with a big sledgehammer" Franklin said, getting loud when he said the word bash.

"Oh thats awful" Pam said out loud.

"It usually wouldn't kill em on the first lick. " Franklin said as we passed the cattle.

Hundreds of cows waited inside the incloser, waiting to be slaughtered. It was sad but.. Mildly interesting to me.

"I mean, they'd start squealing and freakinf out and everything" Franklin added, he seemes to know alot about the topic.

"And they'd have to come up and bash em two or three more times. And then sometimes it wouldnt kill them, i mean theyd skin em sometimes before they were even dead." Franklin added, really getting into it.

"Oh thats horrible, people shouldn't kill animals for food." Pam said, shaking her head.

"Well they don't do it like that anymore. Now they got this big air gun that shoots a bolt into their skull and then retracts it. Its just BOOM! it goes BOOM! and BOOM!" Franklin said, using his fingers and hand to recreate the action of shooting the cattle in the head.

"Franklin! I like meat please change the subject!" Sally said, probably growing grossed out and sad by the topic.

"Thats terrible that it's still going on" Pam said as she looked back in the direction of where the cattle was.

Both Pam and Sally were mildly sad by the topic but me..i wanted to know more, it was slightly interesting to me.

"Oh.. Man...its hot in here" I moaned out, changinf the subject. It was hot, so hot i was tempted to just yank my shirt off and go topless for the rest of the day.

I rolled my shoulders and wiped the sweat from my brow as Franklin pulled out his pocket knife and started picking at his fingernails.

"Hitchhiker" Sally said and as she did I leaned up slightly and looked out the window..

#nubbins sawyer x reader #nubbins x reader #nubbins sawyer #tcm #texas chainsaw massacre #horror #xreader #x reader

[creativebrainrot]

I lived.

ive been through so much shit in this house and finally, i can trust and know, that theres an end. That in the very first week of November my new life can begin. the one i thought id always have from the time i was young. when i was a kid i thought id grow up to become educated, go to college, move out around 22-25 and have a Normal Life. i never did. instead i got to wonder why all the media i saw told me that fathers would do anything for their kids- especially "their little girls" which at the time, i was. i had to wonder why after any little convo with my father i wanted to cry in the shower- why so many times i DID cry in the shower afterwards. I didnt question all the times I cried myself to sleep. all the times i had to fight off thoughts of self hate and "i wish i was dead" "id be better off dead, no one would miss me," I was a child. I didnt think anything was wrong until i did question why id never heard anyone else talk about that, about wanting to cry after every conversation you had with your father. I knew i never felt like he loved me, like he wanted me. I knew he felt like an estranged neighbor that i lived with for some reason, instead of feeling like my father. I never trusted him. i never felt at home in this house. I never had friends in real life. the one kid my age i did meet, moved away a few months later. the other kids were not my age, and troubled, and connected to my abusive father's friends. so i was isolated and homeschooled.

my dad would take me to the park routinely incase i did ever get the chance to make friends there but it never happened.

homeschooling was also my dads idea and i do think it was the better choice for me personally because of where we live (i would've likely been bullied to no end and that plus the at home abuse wouldve broken me i think.) but it did enable my father to isolate me further. he isolated my dad too. the social anxiety just last year i felt about saying ANYTHING, the way i was trained to hyperanalyze EVERYTHING that i said, the FEAR and ANXIETY i felt whenever i thought of a way my words could be twisted into something malicious, the ways my words could be twisted into something i wasnt saying. my dad and i both felt like that for YEARS. we've always lived in the middle of fucking no where. i cant walk to a mall. i cant walk to the grocery store. we have no public transport. its so christian out here that early on my dad (who is perceived as a middle aged housewife here) wouldve been told to stay with my father or somewhat ostracized for divorcing him- even without being involved in any church congregation here. the social pressure, the physical isolation, the mental abuse that ruined our selfconfidence, the second guessing ourselves, all of it.

If I told you of one single incident you would think a single prick of a needle's point had driven me mad.

Because to describe the sheer amount of needle pinpricks before that is hard to describe, difficult to convey the gravity of every little pinprick over the two decades i had to live with my father and his abuse.

he got worse right before he left, in my dad's eyes, but- and this may be stupid of me, i didnt feel like that. he was always pathetic, to me. He was stupid and impulsive but he was dangerous and he is the only person that ever made me feel Bleak. Truly, genuinely, sincerely bleak. for the first few months of 2019, i felt nothing. i was numb. resigned. i believed there was no good ending, that this house and that abuse was all i would ever know. there was no use fighting or feeling. it would change nothing.

to some extent i still havent truly realized deep down that im, free. im free now. im an adult now. no one will ever make me powerless again. i wont fall for any of this abuse in the future. i have friends now. i once believed i was truly unlovable and that no one would bat an eye if i disappeared. that i was not worth noting. i still struggle with thoughts of being "replaceable." but now, i know people who care. i have independence now. once im out of this shithole state my dad and i can seek trans health care- fuck, we can HAVE HEALTHCARE at all.

I don't miss my father. I hate that i still love him, somehow. he was the only one who ever made me want to kill myself. he was always the sole reason for the mountains of distress i felt. Im glad he never got to know I was queer.

what kept me going for so long was my childhood cat and music, and my dad. I lost my childhood cat BK this year, and it still hurts. But in my heart shes still here, somehow. I want to find a kitten with her sweet little eyes, when we're settled into the new living situation. BTS's music in particular always made me feel better, I still listen to them.

this house was a fixer-upper in the first place. it became a money sink over the years of neglect. my father promised to fix so many things but instead he trashed the place. i have never slept in a bedroom I loved. i have never had a real dresser. i havent had a furnished dining room since i was 7 or so. i havent been able to stay lucid in this house because its just so trashed already that apathy is a must or else i get more depressed. i try, i really do try to clean when i can. but this house is beyond repair for myself and my dad at this point. even if we wanted to fix it we cant. we have no money for all the tlc it needs at this point. moving is the only option.

I miss caring. I miss caring about my surroundings. Caring about myself. Caring about my dad. I miss feeling each day. We were doing so well before the car broke down.

deep in my heart I wish i could ask my father "why" but I know that no answer would satisfy me. Nothing can explain "why," that I haven't already known by now, yet my heart yearns with that question anyway. "Why?"

and now we're only a week away from knowing the life we had always wanted and dreamed of. we tasted that life just a few months ago, for a year or two and it was lovely. It can only get better from here. I spent ages hanging on to a THREAD of hope. for my dad. I never wanted him to be the one to find the aftermath, i couldnt do that to him. and deep down i wanted, so desperately, for it to get better. Im so glad I hung on long enough to be rewarded. it was hard. I had to fight to see tomorrow, to not give up, to not abandon hope. It was so fucking hard, and I dont regret a second of it.

The list of my and my dad's abuse at the hands of my father when he was living with us, and still alive, is long. But the list of our progress, our hopes and our plans, our dreams, our triumphs, is so much longer.

I lived. I lived to see a new dawn and finally know the life child me always thought we would end up having. We're free, and im so happy, finally.

#open journal #open journalling #rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #personal #parental abuse #abuse #suicide mention #tw suicide

[telltalebatman]

post the frankie size queen essay

in form of a ficlet as im wating for my food delivery. nsfw btw

"So," Angelo asked her one day. "Mac Gargan, huh?"

"Ugh, don't start this again," she sighed as he laughed. "I've told you already. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know he's coming to our wedding-"

"Franks, I couldn't be any less mad about not getting married to a girl if I tried. All things considered, it is a miracle it took pops this long to figure out I'm gay, and I never liked lavender to begin with. Nice touch with having lavender in your wedding bouquet, by the way," he added with a grin as she laughed. "Subtle."

"Yeah, I thought you'd like that," she said with a giggle. "I just saw they had this option and went - holy shit, Angel Boy's gonna love it."

"Well, I did love it. Buuuuuut... I didn't get you here just to reminisce about our failed wedding. Come on, Franks. I need to know - why him?" he asked finally, his dark eyes glimmering with curiosity; and Frankie bit her lip.

"Well, he does make me feel safe," she said slowly, wincing slightly as the irony of a guy who once kidnapped her making her feel safe was not entirely lost on her. "He's patient. Like, really patient."

"Uh-uh," Angelo said, rolling his eyes. "Fucking boooriiiiingggggg. I want to know the juicy stuff. Come on. How's your sex life?" he asked in his worst Tommy Wiseau voice; and Frankie groaned. Rationally, she knew this question was coming; and it wasn't the question she was dreading - it was the answer.

"I had never been fucked better in my entire life," she said with a deep sigh. "You know that club bouncer guy I told you about, the one that looks like Don Costa? He has a huge schlong, but can't use it. And Mackie... Holy shit, Angel Boy. Now I know what the Muppet puppets would feel if they ever came alive and felt the hand inside of them."

"Ew," Angelo said with a wide grin. "Gross. Keep going though."

"The first time he put it in I thought he's gonna poke my eye out from within," she continued, her cheeks flushing slightly as she thought back to their first time. "It felt so fucking good. I had never realized how much empty space I have inside of me until he fucked me. It was fucking unreal."

"Jesus, is that why you went radio silent for a week? Because he fucked you so good you forgot how to speak?"

"I didn't just forget how to speak, I forgot where I live," she said with a pained sigh as Angelo laughed. "And I thought to myself - great! Now that I've fucked him, he's out of my system. I can move on with my life now. But then I hooked up with another guy, and... It was just not the same. Nobody could fill me like he did. And it wasn't even a metaphorical, emotional void or anything. No, I mean it in the most literal, physical sense. He filled me up, alllllll the way. I then tried to, you know, get a dildo, but... Eh. It's just not the same, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that. An artificial dick up your ass is just not the same as the real thing," he said, nodding sagely. "Been there. Done that. Disinfected that afterwards."

"Yeah, I sure hope you disinfect your dildos. But anyway, that's how I figured out I'm physically incompatible with anyone whose dick I can wrap my fingers around. If it doesn't make me feel like I'm about to have to go to the ER, I don't want it. Apparently whenever we fuck, I look like I'm having a stroke and a heart attack at the same time, but he kinda likes it. He says it's hot when I can't even talk properly and he can really feel me."

"God, I am so glad we didn't end up married, our sex life would be so fucking bad for both of us. Me, I just can't top. You... Ugh, I can't even say it."

"Don't say it then. Just know that I do not think about you when I'm riding that Burj Khalifa of dicks. All I think about is how good it feels to my esophagus."

"Yeah, okay, Miss Piggy. What I hate the most about this conversation is that it's the same exact for me. And I love being a Muppet. I just wish dicks had fingers, you know? So they could wiggle them inside of me. That, I think, would ruin me completely."

"Oh god," Frankie breathed out, biting her bottom lip. "That would fucking rule. And also result in my eyeballs falling out for real, I'm pretty sure."

"Can the two of you shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes?" Mac asked tiredly from another room; Frankie and Angelo laughed in unison. They were having their weird little conversation in the living room of an apartment Frankie was renting together with Mac - who was trying to take a nap in the other room. Clearly that was not working out, and she hoped he had heard every single word. Because that'd mean a oh so you like it big, huh? kind of sex later on - and the only thing she liked more than his massive dick was when he made fun of her for not being able to string together a simple coherent sentence as he fucked her. "Please. Jesus."

"We'll be quiet now," Frankie said, kicking Angelo under the table. "Right, Angel Boy?"

"Yeah, as quiet as she gets when your dick pierces her intestines," Angelo replied in a sing-song voice; Mac groaned. Frankie laughed. For just a single afternoon, all was right in the world; and when the night fell, once again she forgot her own name.

ohmygodohmygodohgodohgodohgod

"You like it big, huh?" he said as she gasped loudly and grabbed the sheets as she tried to spread her legs even further. "Aww, look at yourself. Can't even talk," he added mockingly as she moaned and arched her back. "Hold still," he added, grabbing her by her waist as he fucked her. "Tell me how much you like it, or I'll stop."

"No," she moaned out, her thought slowing down to a crawl. "Pl... Please... Oh, god..."

In return, he only laughed; and she could feel his laughter, deep inside of herself. His every word, every chuckle echoed through herself; and she

fucking

loved it.

ohgodohgodohgodohgodIMCUMMING

"I barely even moved," he said mockingly as her eyes rolled back and barely any sound got out of her wide open mouth. "Aww, you're so precious. You don't even need friction, you just need to be filled up," he added; and she didn't protest. She didn't argue. Truth be told, she wasn't even sure what exactly was he saying in the first place; all that mattered were his hands around her waist, and his cock inside of her, and his beautiful body towering over her.

holy fucking shit.

he should fist me one day

#4.txt #sorcione #good for her honestly

[candyscorns]

I just hate being alive and hate being me and hate being gay and bate being fat and hate being here and hate. I just hate. I hate everything because everything is stupid to me. And i just wanna die because i have being alive because there’s no point. Because i compare myself to everyone around me even still. I am 19 and i compare myself to wveryone around me. Because why do i look the way that i do. It dorsnt make any fucking sense. Shy can i not starve myself shen it was so easy for me a year ago. Why can i not cut myself when i could do it so effortlessly a year ago. Whh do i have to drink. Whhy can i noy just go. Everytime i drink i justs tell the sky let this night br my last. I just hate beinv here. I hate everything so mucb especially mysef. I just wanna cut my body into shreda and get every ounce of everything physival i hate and throw it in acid or something i just wanna die. Nobody cares about me and thats okay because thats the way that i want it. I dont want anyone to care abt me because the. I can lill myself and no one would give it a second thought. Like i genuinely dont care that no one cares abt me it makes me hPpy in a sense to think about the fact that they dont. I canre for so many people so deeply and webn i kill myself I’ll take that care with me people always say to the grabe I’ll tale ig to the grave and the warm pits of hell woth me. Im so thankful to everyone ive met on my journey in this shitty life. Weveryone that wamde it just a little bit better and a little bit brighter. Everyone that i didsapinged sith my stipid fucking actions. Everyone ghat i let down. Im so grayefull to have crossed paths with them and i h will always have the utmost love and respeect for them abd wish them nothing but the absolute best in theis crueld shitty world. I just hate me and i hate being here and i hate comparing myselfy still after all these years because thats the main toof of everything is this stupid fucking comparison that i have foing on. If i looked like her or her then I wouldn’t fucking complain. I don’t complain. Not outwardly. I couldn’t do that. Not in the way that i am right nowz . I just wanna be skinny and idc if thats at the expense of my health or happiness i just wanna be skinny and weightless and skin and bone. And because of how i rat i know that can’t happen and so i just choose to settle for deathz. Suicide. It seems so stupid with me being 19 but its just how i feek. I just hate being alive because i have so much stupid shit to deal with that i would just rather not and nobody cares so it makes it so easy for me to gove yp. And for some stupid none xistsent reason i make a concioys decision everyday to live. And i dread every mombet of it so I chose to ignore the fact that i chose to live and do what i can to pretend that I didn’t make that decision. Ive been saying that I’ve been living through me for them lately but if im being homest. I’m sabotaging myself by staying here. Why an i still here. Why have i not killed myself yet. They don’t care about me. And thats okay. I’m not mad at them about that. I cant ve mad at then. They cared for a long time they cared. They showed me loge and gave me strength when i was ay some of my lowest points. They encouraged me and gave me hope. They were the sun in my storm. They did what they didn’t even have to and i will be forever grateful to thwm for that. But i choose to beliebe that it got to a point where the shit that i was choosing to dos to myself that was hatmful and or detrimental took an effect on them and thats okayz. That thye felt like they had to prioritize them and do wahts whas good for them by forgetting me. I asked them to anyways. All of then i asked them to just stop worrying and caring about me. And i think they finally saw me the way thT i see me. I just wnana. Die u wasont wanna be bere anymore i really dont. I just hate here. And i hat emd its all just do sstuoid. And i just eanna go. And i just wnana bee okasy but no. Instead i stay here miserables aafstuck for no reason.

[smileymoth]

ed / nutritionists/ sh whatever

I am so easily triggered by food talk its ridiculous. i hear anyone mention food plans diet plans calories nutrionists healthy eating clean eating intermediate fastign etc etc etc etc any food related topics and i just instantly shrivel up and want to end it right then and there. I told my mom can we not talk about food at newyears when i had a panic attack over grocery shopping and she still does it i hate it. I dont want to talk about food please let me be a trainwreck in peace i dont want a random healthnut nutritionist to tell me what to and what to not eat im already so miserable on a day to day basis let me have food i actually enjoy eating please i know i get mad triggered over food in general for fuck sakes i had a panic attack over a bowl of rice while my friend looked at me weird i dont need more anxiety over food since im already so picky and not capable of making food for myself most of the times. I knwo im a bastard who is unhealthy i know it probably affects psoriasis but have you considered that maybe being severely depressed also influences that. It only flared up again after my dad died it was gone for a few years already and now its back better than ever and now my mom is on my back about healthy eating and movement like mom im trying please leave me alone i already have anxiety over food i dont need more of it i really dont i really dont i really dont i really dont i need a psychologist not a nutritionist but i cant fuciifn have that i cant even have a psychiatrist i want to go back to collegetown already and ive only been home for an hour and 30 minutes i want to go back i hate being here i wish it was like back in highschool i dont cqre that dad was mad at me if i went to sleep 5 minutes too late or that i ****** myself out of fear of food bc i cant stand people seeing me eat i still cant i still freak out when i eat "too much" becqyse i eont kbow what a normal portion is i cant have a fuckinf nutritionist tell me what to do id actually harm myself over it bc id just seevmyself as an obeast lazy bastard who cant stick to plansbecause theyre probably all fucjign annoying white women who weigh 1 cigarette and a single grape bx theyre so healthy and fit and never eat sugar ever am i overrreactign absolurely do i care absolutely not because i am fucked up in the brain and i dotn want people to help me wirh this because i am slowly getting better with healthier eating and if someone tried to monitor it id harm myself i want to go back to my apartment i dont wanr to be here i hate how it happens every time i go home i dont want to talk about food i dont want ro ralk about health i just want to come home and feel happy but i cant because my dad will never be here again and my mom is stressed and tired from work and my grandma is chronically ill forever and my aunt is somehow even more paranoid than i am and is slowly losing her mind because she worries so much. I want my fucking therapist back i hate everything so much iwish i wasnt a mentally ill cunt with issues that make my mom worry for me. Dont worry about me just leave me alone leave me the fuck alone . I want to leeaaaaaaavveeeeeeeeee

#moth post #fuckifn .trigger tags #ed mention #eating disorder mention #sh mention #i guess i dont ufckinf know i dont want to trigger other people i need a diary #i have one its in collegetown #part 643 of danny smilemyoth and the very bad awful terrible 20s

[sakimybeloved]

Traitor

Hello!! This is one of mt first works! And this is a vent fic</3. I posted this on ao3 but later on decided to post it here too! Please enjoy! And please don't mind me struggling, idrk how Tumblr works😭

Warning this fic contains: One-sided love, Angst, Hurt no comfort, Swearing.

It's was a cold winter night when he broke up with me. We promised each other that once both of us healed we'd get back together and I'll be able to court him again.

I cried all night. I chose to trust his promise. I worked on myself, loved myself, i let myself heal. I held onto this promise. Rui never lied to me, he always kept his promise. "Will he really wait for you?" A voice inside my head said.

I told myself that he will keep his promise. I trusted him so much, he wont hurt me.. right? Am i starting to doubt him? I decided to brush those type of thoughts.

Me and rui still talk i always tried my best to check up on him. I noticed that he seemed to be cold or dry towards me, his mood changed whenever his "friend" was there with us, he is so moody recently.. i hope he feels better soon.

When i get home that type of thoughts flood my mind. I hate it. I don't like doubting him. But im getting suspicious of him. He won't break my heart.. right? The Rui i know doesn't lie or break his promise.. i'll just confront him about it!

He said he doesn't like anyone else, he said he likes me and im the only one he said. I trust him, i believe him. He won't lie and break my heart! "Keep telling that to yourself."

After months, i finally healed. He seem to have healed too! I decided to court him.. after months of waiting! I texted him to meet me at the park. I received a text from one of his friends it said "hey, Tsukasa i think it's time for you to know this but uh.. rui.. likes someone else. He doesn't like you.. he keeps ranting to me how tiring it is to pretend that he still likes you."

That message broke me. Tears started to flow. My sister, toya, father, mother looked at me worried. They asked what's wrong, i told them what happened. Saki and Toya were beyond mad at him. They all comforted me. I decided to continue my plan on going out with Rui but i'll confornt him about this.

Rui waved at me. I told him "Why? Did you do this to me?" He seem to took a hint on what i meant. He was quiet, so quiet. I kept on cursing at him and asking why. I said "why are you so cruel. Just why? After all i did for you. THIS IS WHAT I GET IN RETURN?" he seem shock that i shouted. All he can say is "I'm sorry." I ended up slapping him.

"I hate you. I hate you. Fuck you." I said that, while tears where flowing onto my eyes. I felt so betrayed. "How long have you liked someone else?" I asked. He didn't spoke after a few minutes he broke his silent "a few weeks after we broke up." He replied.

It hurt so much. we were together for 2 years and yet only a few weeks to move on from me. It just hurts i wanna cry more and the fact he has been lying for MONTHS. "We can stay as friends tho." He said, i replied with "okay. I need some time alone." I walked away from him.

When i arrived home, i went straight to my room. All i did was cry, and cry. I was right all along. He is a liar. I hate him so much. I wish he never finds happiness. I wish that he live a miserable life. I don't deserve to get treated like this. He is an asshole.

I have decided to forget him. After all my family will be moving to get more advanced treatment for saki. I heard that toya will be coming along because he got into a college there. I'll only focus on myself for now on. Spend time with my friends and family. I will forget about him.

#ruikasa #rui kamishiro #tsukasa tenma

[jademonster19]

If it weren’t for the fact that I have a baby on the way, I’d probably kill myself rn. I don’t deserve this life, and no one should have to go through the bullshit I put them through. Im fucking stupid, complain too much, cry too much, I’m too selfish, too slow, I over complicate everything, I get mad or sad at everything, I take everything too seriously. I seriously hate myself and everyone is better off without me. Especially my baby girl on the way. Im a looser ass bitch with nothing to offer anyone in my life. I’m a waste of space, a waste of breath, a waste of time, a waste of money and food, a waste of a drink of water even if it is from a dirt hole. I don’t deserve shit in life. And I really wish I wasn’t here to burden everyone around me. Because that’s all I ever do is bother people, annoy people, piss people off, over react to them, you name it. I don’t deserve anything or anyone. As soon as this baby is born, I may just kill myself. She and everyone else is better off without me.

[juni-ravenhall]

i’ve been trying to figure out what to do, bc the more im away from ssoblr the  more it became obvious that i feel intensely fucking shit when i go on here and feel better when im not on here 

- due to the ppl who decided to make shit up about me behind my back and then double down on it and say “look!! he IS mean [for being hurt and upset - as a longterm victim of abuse and bullying, which everyone knows about]” when i try to talk about that. 

i just dont know what to do. i liked it here, and i did my best (as someone with severe social anxiety and with ptsd from abuse! i’m not perfect, but i did my best!) to talk to ppl directly, even the ones who have been rude or nonsensical or mean or whatever other form of disrespectful to other ppl. (that includes anons i received and normal convos.) 

but everytime i go on here now im just reminded about how ppl i thought i could trust would turn on me and make shit up about me instead of actually talk to me, and when i tried to talk to them directly, it would be shut down or discouraged. while the behind-my-back stuff clearly was never actually acknowledged or resolved.  

at this point i just feel so lost. i dont know what to do. when i try to resolve it instead i get told even worse things and got hurt *more* instead of getting a resolution. and i get told “you talk too much” and shit like this, so what? talking isn’t bad. treating others unfairly is bad. i wish i had a penny for everytime someone told me i talk too much! imagine, humans are different! talking isn’t harmful and when i was told to “stop replying to me if you don’t agree”, i did, aka i stopped talking, as much as i feel it’s an odd way to handle things. 

even my gf got grouped in with me as if she had done something wrong. what exactly these things we both did that are wrong, seems really unclear. i know that ppl got upset about specific things but i don’t really see how the things are wrong, and if nobody is ready to explain that, what can i do? what am i supposed to do? when *i* see someone post unfair or mean things, i replied to them and said “hey, this isn’t fair” etc... but the same group of people told me to stop doing that. (either by direct words, or by blocking me, or whatever.)

what do you want me to do then? to not reply when someone is mean, but also to think it’s okay for people to talk about me in private chats, and therefore to not get a chance myself to explain or defend myself since you refuse to talk to me directly about it? i hate all of this. it’s school style bullying at the point that you talk about others negatively in private and don’t have anyone there to offer a different perspective or defend them.

i didnt talk about any of these ppl behind anyone’s back: part of what made some ppl mad is the public posts i made (during panic attacks from severe mental illness and stressful poor life situations!) containing ~narcissistic judgmental mean content~ such as “i can’t handle ppl being irrational and mean”, or “people should stop being irrational and mean”, or “people should get help (just like i do) if they’re unhealthy and immature”. 

bc you know, it’s not like ppl were irrational and mean to me or others, i just made that up. and it’s definitely only about x persons on ssoblr who likes to think all vagues are about them and not the entire humanity (aka: ive been open about how many ppl have mistreated, abused or bullied me, actually, and every fucking time i go in a fandom i meet ppl who latch on to me as an easy target bc im Different. one person being immature or unhealthy isn’t unique; i meet them everywhere; if they treat others with disrespect or unfairly they are causing harm, no matter how common they are, and therefore it’d be great if they tried to fix that by studying psychology and getting mental healthcare. because it’s not okay to hurt others or be mean and you should stop. whoops, am i being a mean narcissist again?) 

i really wish all the trying-to-talk-it-out happened publically because i needed backup. they can keep doing what they do and everyone else thinks they didn’t hurt anyone because i handled this in private out of respect (i don’t believe in cancelling and blocking and all this shit). if nobody knows what happened then they’re also free to keep manipulating the perspective and act as if i really did do something wrong (i’ve asked what i did wrong and i get no answer. contrary to Things People Make Up About Me, i actually do want to know if i did something wrong, and try to make it right - and no, you’re not unique if you Made Things Up About Me, so that’s not just about one person, yet again). 

it’s not comparable to say “you’re talking too much” vs “you hurt me”. it’s not comparable to say “you wrote public posts where you said being mean and irrational is bad” vs “talking behind someone’s back in a private space where they or their friends can’t defend them”. the things aren’t the same. you can’t just act like all emotional reactions are equal when they’re not. 

i really dont know what to do. i dont feel safe or comfortable on here, i feel like shit that they hurt me like this and are still hellbent on that somehow it was my own fault and also it never happened anyway. 

(btw, i was literally told “we talk about you sooo much” and then told “no, we never talk about you”... “he thinks ppl talk about him”... as if i was being delusional or grasping in thin air, for putting together two and two when i know for a fact i had been talked about *and* i don’t see any other explanation than talking-behind-my-back for how some of the rude/mean things even reached me the way they did. anons that mysteriously sound exactly like the people who were being rude/mean and part of the same group? ppl replying to me just to be rude who supposedly don’t even follow me - i’d guess my posts were being linked somewhere? i mean, it’s not a far reach when you know it’s all one same group of people that do talk to each other in private where nobody can speak for me. i’m open to other explanations, but i haven’t been given any.)

also, to be clear because ppl love to make shit up about me:

i dont talk about any of this to insult or shame or whatever. i already talked directly to ppl from the very beginning and talked publically about my opinions and thoughts and this is what made them upset. 

i talk about this because im fucking lost and ssoblr is my only “big” fandom community. i’m really sad to think about leaving, like really really sad. i just don’t know what else to do when the people who hurt me are still here and still acting as if i did something wrong, but not ready to talk to me about it respectfully.

[nonsensemonkey]

A Fresh Start

i decided to open this account because in truth, i stopped enjoying myself on my other blog at least a year ago. i kept holding on to it thinking that it would get better, that time was all that i needed but alas, here i am. no one bothered me. there was no drama (to my knowledge, if there was it was one sided hahaha). i just got too in my head after a while worried that the people that were following me hated me, hated seeing me on their dashboards and wished that i would go away.. nothing really happened to give me that impression but when you have a brain like mine, it doesn't take much coaxing tbh.

if im honest, i think i started to feel sort of trapped, like i couldn't breath once there was a certain number in my follower count. i didn't have a big blog by any stretch of the imagination. i didn't even have a MEDIUM blog lmao but more people were following me than i think i was mentally prepared for when i started. and it took me back to those days of when i actually did have thousands of people following me, the eggshells i had to walk on all the time to not tick off and offend people. it was really all in my head this time, 100,000%, but what i dealt with back then with that bigger blog i guess sorta traumatized me.

after a while, i didn't even wanna post in the tags anymore because i didn't want anyone else finding me. i wanted people to just stop coming.

don't get me wrong! i have met some ABSOLUTELY amazing and beautiful people since i rejoined tumblr with that account. and alot of them, i'm sure i won't interact with again once this move is complete. so i will miss them. but, i think my paranoia got the better of me and i couldn't shake the feeling that so many people were mad at me all the time. i know i'd go on my rants and stuff and i'm not sure how offensive they were in terms of hurting feelings per individual but i just... even when i wasn't posting rants, when i was just posting about my day, i was scared i'd pissed someone off or made them uncomfortable. even with tags and a read more.

i think when it came down to it, the reason was because i told myself that people were only following me for yakuza stuff or aizawa stuff. yet, there i was yapping about my personal life or posting about other interests that no one signed up for. like i said, i stopped enjoying that blog a long time ago. the space stopped feeling like mine, a loooong time ago. i thought maybe if people unfollowed me in droves, things would get better? but when i encouraged people to unfollow, no one really ever did. and then it hit me, i have lots of anxiety about unfollowing people myself. so maybe, the ones that have wanted to unfollow just couldn't bring themselves to? especially if we were mutuals!

since i'd been feeling like i needed a breath of fresh air anyway, i decided, instead of placing the burden of leaving onto others, i would do the hard part for them. and so, i decided to open this new account. i don't want to do away with kulemi for good because so much of my hard work is there- my writing, project sideblogs and whatnot. but this will be my main blog and i'll sign into that account when i need to post my fics or side project stuff.

for clarification: the issue isn't exactly that i don't want people following me. if that were the case, i'd have just left and not said anything. it was more so that i was worried that people felt trapped into following someone that they didn't like. if people are following this blog after following me at kulemii, i want it to be because they WANT to be. not out of obligation. i hope i'm making sense.

but yeah! moving forward, kulemii is now the nonsensemonkey! for non-jjk fans, this is not the time to be racist, okay? that's a jjk reference 💀

if you read all of that, you're returning from my other blog and following anyway, i'm happy to see you again! if you're new to me and reading this, confused as hell- it's cool if you split 😭 i get it. i confuse myself too.

[ceadgearst]

selfcare (hateful dare)

how the fuck can i go on like this

it is just so painful to exist

a chrysalis of pain is what i do to sustain

the stain in my heart i could presume its art but fucking cut me apart

the sunshine is so shallow i could call it a callow bastard that bitch said faster like i could move right past her ask her how she feels about the time i steal away

we all fucking decay i'm just enjoying my stay

i want to go away far far fucking away and pray pray like the motherfucker i am

i know who i am dont tell me again

i know who the fuck is the beginning and end i

dont need you like the way you lie and pretend

i just wish someone here would fucking comprehend

im mad and sad and hateful towards myself i wish i was fucking dead thats thats what i fucking said not you not anyone else

i care about your health but i dont like myself in the slightest

i wish i could be hanged from my eyelids

the tide lifts me up and away

my motionless body sways as it lays upon the crests of a wave

a soul no one could save

i crave the warmth of a hug or the smoke off a green nug

pain and pleasure

work and leisure

put it altogether

pray to get better

#original poem #poem #poetry