#i really am i just have nowhere to go

[stuckinapril]

I’m happy for the little life I built for myself

#there’s a lot of ways to go #i am nowhere NEAR the dream life I really want to attain #or the dream person I want to be #but high school me #hell even freshman in college me #would GAWK at the life I have so deliberately made happen. #the solid network of friends I have #the confidence I’m slowly but surely growing into #the discipline I’m harvesting bit by bit. i do not claim perfection but I am 100% improving #I’m just happy idk! i don’t compare myself at all now bc I know I’m on the right track #especially compared to where I was like 5 years ago. such a different mind state from now #and no one can take that away from me #there’s a lot more to go. a lot more. but I thought I’d pause and be intentionally grateful for what has been accomplished #bc it actually puts things into perspective to look at the past rather than just look to the present. it creates contentment #i get so caught up being hard on myself for not accomplishing certain things yet #that I forget I pulled myself out of such a deep rut by the skin of my teeth #and that’s important to keep in mind even as you progress to your goals #anyway <333 happy content in my own lane etc etc #p

[thebirdandhersong]

I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.

#in other words today has been an oddly sad day! discovering that the friends you've made have their own group chats #that are separate from the general group chat (that no one ever talks on) that you aren't a part of is......... i don't know #i KNOW i'm liked by them and i KNOW they love me but do they WANT me around? #like. i know i'm not UNpleasant to have around. i am a good listener and a good conversationalist. #i work very hard at it because it doesn't come naturally to me. #but clearly that's not enough to be added to exclusive group chats! clearly that's not enough to be part of inner core circles #i don't know this just came out of nowhere and i feel as if i've been slapped in the face #sitting at a table where people are talking about the thing someone sent to the group chat #or the photo or quote or reel someone sent to someone else is....... bizarre. #i am trying not to be so hurt by it! i am trying not to take it so personally #it happens. i know it happens. i know it will keep happening. it is just that i thought this was a place where i wouldn't be lonely #and this is the dorm community i've invested so much of my time and energy and love into since last year. #so i think i'm justified in being a little upset! #i'm not crying about it but that's because i'm not about to cry with other people sitting here in the study lounge! #the math is probably really wrong here but i thought that if i poured love in for the sake of pouring love in #somehow somewhere along the line i would also receive love. that i would actually be a part of this community. #anyway that's not going to change how i live here! i committed myself to doing my best this last year #because i don't want anyone to feel left out or unwanted or lonely. i already made the decision #to do everything i can to love the people here. #i'm not trying to toot my horn this is just what i actually want to and have decided to do! #i have birthday cards planned! i have midterm snacks planned! #i've just worked out how i can print christmas and easter cards and stickers! #i'm GOING to love darn it all i'm GOING to pour love in #i think it hurts especially because there's the boy problem going on too #of not being wanted in an area that i DIDN'T expect to be wanted in #and then learning that there is a collective not being wanted in this whole community #it is a Lot and it is very hard and i don't know what to do with it! #i have had this lie (that i'm inherently unloveable and undesirable) in my head since childhood #and i've worked SO HARD to shut that voice up. and it is so so hard to not believe it right now

[swearengen]

roger and rayleigh happily coparenting and raising shanks to be a successful pirate vs roger and garp “raising” ace resulting in 3 dead 200 injured

#i’m obsessed with this image of roger and rayleigh finding shanks and being like he’s my pride and joy my golden son #and then roger is like here garp you can have ace. And garp is like tf am i supposed to do with a baby?? #and it gets so bad whitebeard has to swoop in and then everyone dies the end #the roger rayleigh shakky rouge garp whitebeard polycule is my favorite thing about one piece no i dont really follow the manga #one piece #sorry i just have so many thoughts and nowhere to put them here u go #just a placeholder for my 300k garproger fic

[icewindandboringhorror]

a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol... #the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower... #I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I' #already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol.. #AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

[moonchild-in-blue]

Can someone please either validate me or send me to the Corner of Shame? This is very silly but I'm wondering.

So. I was talking to my sister the other day about movies and such, and she told me of one she recently watched with this one actor. And I casually mentioned how much I hated him. Not in a "he's a bad actor" or "he's a bad person" way. Nothing to do with whether I find him attractive or not. Just in a "he looks the most punchable guy on earth and I have this irrational rage against him" way, to the point that I just can't watch movies with him without being annoyed.

My sister looked at me like I was crazy because, "what do you mean you hate the guy". And I told her yeah? That's normal? Don't you have at least one person you can't stand for no reason?

Sister was like 😬😬😬 No??? Which is wild to me, because I could easily name 50 (which I did - not 50 but we were getting close to 20 before i got too annoyed lmao).

Now she thinks I'm slightly insane (/j) (I made myself angry and may have referred to a few individuals as "stupid" and "obnoxious"), and I kinda don't believe I am the only person alive who feels this way. But also she's an incredibly empathetic extrovert, while I'm a very low empath socially anxious creechur so. There's that?? I guess ?? Idk.

Can anyone relate to this? Or am I the weird one?

Also wait. Little disclaimer: I am not generally a violent person AT ALL. Do i get annoyed and angry easily? Yeah. Do I feel like bitch slapping someone right across their stupid face? Yeah, sometimes, sure. Do I do something about it? Not really.

I can be real bitchy and extra sarcastic and petty SURE, but that's the most I'll do if I am legitimately angry. Mostly I just go to my room and cry 🥺 (crying when angry yes it me). So yeah. Before yall think I have unsolved anger issues.

#if you're curious. the guy in question is Thimothée Chalamet #look. from what i've seen he's good at his job and he seems a genuinely nice guy #nothing against him at all like. you go timmy 🙂👍 #i do however have an illogical boiling rage against him #i don't know what it is but i genuinely feel like punching his face everytime he pops up #maybe in another universe we were arch enemies. maybe i was his school bully. maybe HE was my school bully idk #obviously i would never do anything like that but if there's one person that looks like it could use a wedgie is him #and don't get me wrong. i DO feel about about it cus it's not like i'm choosing to be irrationally angry #and this goes for a bunch of other people #i just!!! 😡😡😡 #seeing him (as in his vibe and general presence. nothing to do with physical appearance) #is the equivalent of trying to use cling film while it keeps sticking to itself #you know that one family guy scene with Peter and the cling wrap?? YEAH. THAT. genuinely so annoyed #i've always assumed this was a common thing. as in. there's always at least one person that gets on your nerves for absolutely no reason #but i guess maybe not???? *am* i a hater??? #and btw this ONLY happens with either celebrities (in various degrees) #or people irl i've had some close proximity to <- and in this case it's always justified. i don't generally hate irl people out of nowhere #(okay there is ONE person in specific BUT i do feel slightly justified IMO. and in any case i always make sure to be as nice as possible) #(because poor girl didn't really do nothing wrong. i just have never vibed with her. i tried!! but yeah) #idk where i'm going with this lmao i might just ending up deleting it #whatever. don't worry guys you're all safe i love you very much and wouldn't slap any of you (unless asked you little freaks 👀) #darya talks to herself

[the-final-sif]

Also, just as a general comment on the whole Dream situation on one of the takes I kept seeing; y'all know that snapchat is like, an actual platform people use to talk to each other, right? It's not like, a creepy platform only used by predators. Right? Like. I've never had a snapchat account, and literally all throughout college I'd get offered people's snapchats and have to say I didn't have it and ask for their phone number instead. My like 45 year old boss uses snapchat to talk with her like 20 year old kids. I once had to write an actual email to another human being to tell them no, they could not put down their snapchat handle as an emergency contact method for their club paperwork.

Idk I had to actually check with other people in the discord to make sure I wasn't insane, and no, other people reported the same thing. Snapchat is a normal platform people use to talk to others. But for some reason, I kept seeing that take that somehow giving a snapchat was inherently predatory and that threw me for one hell of a loop. I'm really just not sure where that idea came from.

#dreamwastaken #dream discourse #discourse #this is def more of a personal opinion but it's been bugging me since I got that anon awhile back and I want to throw this out there #sif speaks #like again I am remaining in my camp of waiting on words from lawyers #but I did want to address this because that take was weird as hell to me #and made me question whether snapchat was really just like a niche platform everyone else at my college used for some reason #also had one person for that club try to put down a discord handle #the snapchat person was understanding #the discord handle person tried to argue with me that their phone number was too personal #and I was like #dude if you end up lost in the middle of nowhere we need to be able to call you on a real actual phone not see if you have discord on #alright back to me talking about defamation laws b/c legal cases make my brain go burr

[loserbigsis]

Okay, so I just got finished with the Fallout TV show, honestly? As a super hardcore fan? No notes, they did their fucking job, It might actually be the most visually and tonally faithful TV adaptation I've ever seen in my life

#lamentations of chava #nerd shit #ALL OF THIS IS JUST MY OPINION! I LIKE TO ENJOY SHIT! DO NOT COME AT ME YOU JADED CYNICAL FUCKS #Like i'm sure some people will have problems with the direction they take the story in #especially with regards to canon after the games #but personally i liked it and am VERY excited to see season 2 considering *that* end shot #Also... they did a fucking phenomenal job of bringing the world of Fallout and it's retrofuturist aesthetic to life #The sets! the props! the costumes! THE MUSIC!!! #me and my gf were both singing along to pretty much all of them #It was a very gay time #It was honestly exactly what i wanted from a Fallout TV show #(Also... to be brutally honest.... I'm glad they swiped *that* element of the lore “off the board” so to speak #there really was nowhere for that particular thing to go but just more of the same over and over again. It had to go at some point) #I also really really liked how they made each of the 3 main characters player archetypes #That honestly worked really well #Also Matt Berry as the Mister Handy voice was fucking perfect casting *chef's kiss*

[pessimisticprincess]

my coworker my bestie my mom all encouraging me to just start using dating apps and going out /putting myself out there etc like that doesn’t sound like an actual real life nightmare lmao

#my mom has been dating and she loves it #and then the one coworker i’m friends with we work together constantly decided to start since she’s been divorced 7 months now #nothing about doing any of that is appealing to me but i also live with someone who just reminds me i’m not getting any younger #my life is going nowhere etc and its like what else am i really going to do #idk how to make new relationships or maintain them #having a baby by myself really is like becoming the most realistic vision to me once i finish this coursework #anyways dumb pointless ramble it gives me anxiety that anyone is even paying attention to my aloneness

[daughterofsarenrae]

anyone have advice on learning a language when you don't have anyone to speak it with

#my only language learning experiences have been very structured + in a school setting #and im very unlikely to find someone to practice this with (like. im not going to look for people online) #(id really only be ok with practicing with someone i know bc i have The Anxiety) #(and also i am nowhere NEAR far enough along to need actual practice) #but just like. general tips if yall have them #ways to practice. im following along with a textbook so there's some structure there but no way to like. hold myself accountable u know #bel speaks #maybe eventually i'll feel ok finding a practice buddy but that's not an option atm

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once??? #idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later

[visdiefje]

It's so wild and refreshing to me to want to be HERE. In my country. In my general area. Where I am

#for years I've yearned for people from the screens in other countries and always wanted to be elsewhere and it gets hard #especially being left untethered after relationships break or friendships fade #I still have friendships but this is my place right now and whatever I need to find next I have to find it where I am #trying to bond with people locally feels like I'm in school again. super worried it won't work yet so happy when it does #there's an uncertainty to it and it's. different #but also last few times I was with people I didn't feel the need to be on my phone at all save from showing the person something #which is. foreign to me #idk. something is changing and shifting towards what I've been searching for. just a bit #the steps have been small. and are still small. it's like climbing up a spiral staircase #been going on forever. long way come and nowhere near the top #but it's like I just passed a window and noticed the view is really nice out #this was brought to you by: upstairs neighbour woke me up at 4 again #bien rambles

[sibelin]

i am so close to give up on tumblr entirely 😅

#the anons being shitheads already made me think i should've gone long ago #but i'm not really having fun anymore idk #i keep venting more and more because i have nowhere else to vent but i also see how it impacts my image here yk #and i'm trying to be positive and to reach out to people and just...be there for everyone #then realize i am a total stranger and probably very annoying to most of you #and i feel bad for it even though it's genuine #i'm not going to delete or anything but it all feels very empty #(and i'm not fishing for compliments/replies. i'm just saying what's on my heart!) #anyway good night <3

[dirt-str1der]

Thinking nonstop and reflecting on my past and the people i have talked with whom i now hate. Badly

#Listen to my problems #this is a vent post -> #i cannot believe she had the gall to text me out of nowhere and then delete her text like girl now i am thinking of how much i dislike you #and how worthless you are. like ok. at least you knew to go away #like somewhere out there im certain you will be someones favourite person but i wish you were dead #theres always a word i use when talking about my least favourite person and it is worthless #crazy how a person in real life can have 0 redeeming qualities and not just negative rizz but also be pathetic beyond measure #do you ever think of people you talk to because of circumstance and you get kind of close and you have way more contact than you would like #and you end up hating them so much because you were kind of close. like yeah if we met in passing i would not have despised you #but now i know how its like to be your friend and it is the worst experience of my life #like if we really hadnt talked. if we hadnt shared minimum 2 interests that was a gateway to me learning about the rest of you that is #completely terrible. AND liking the things i like and making it bad is like 😟 how can you like this piece of media if you like it shittily #how do you like the same things as me but in a way completely divorced from the thing itself my god you dont even deserve to be gutted #i understand exile as a punishment now. like no way im using up my state’s resources and facilities for you just get out of here

[thedragonagelesbian]

I DONT REMEMBER THESE LINES BEING CLASS SPECIFIC IM SCREAMING...

#cyrus bg3 #cyrusXwyll #im going to be so fucked tomorrow and i dont care i just had to get to the party tonight... #i rlly rlly rlly needed fresh material to rotate.................. #obviously i have to write. something. about the party/the 'the blade of frontiers is my best self' line #but also thinking about doing a rewrite of the weave scene with gale #maybe as something cyrus asks him to show him after the elminster thing to try to cheer gale up #and also (and i cannot emphasize this enough) the 'i love the way your nose wrinkles up' line fucking GOT ME #TOOK ME OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE #I THOUGHT I WAS PREPARED I THOUGHT I WAS SUFFICIENTLY PREPPED AGAINST WYLL'S IRRESISTIBLE CHARMS #N O P E #esp like...................................... okay not to read way too much into it but #cyrus nose/eyebrow wrinkling is a ThingTM #originally born out of it being really exaggerated with the da2 angry facial animation #but it's evolved to be metonymic with red/hardened cyrus generally #the sense of carrying the weight of the world for so long right between your eyes #and wyll LIKING that affectation and thinking it's cute really just... struck me right in the fucking chest #anyway. its 1 am.

[mortellanarts]

Zero Sum Game

#zero escape #zero time dilemma #ztd #akane kurashiki #zero escape spoilers #just in case #blood cw #I am so obsessed with this rewrite you guys have no idea #so much work was clearly put into it and it's the author's main project atm so please check it out and support them! #but okay so coolest things about this fic for me is how it's structured just like the game with fragments and it's interactive! #there's voting every other week on what fragment to go next or what decision to make #other awesome stuff is Akane being the pov and teams rotating instead of it being only the same fixed three that can interact w each other #it's pretty cool to see interactions that we all sort of expected to happen from vlr like akane and sigma that just. never did #also Aoi's there :3 and I'm loving everyone's characterization so far it's really down to how I imagine them too like super close #the sibling bonding stuff absolutely kills me it's so genuine and cute #but also it's just as brutal as ztd already is so that's. what inspired this I guess #but I like this though like there is Such weight to it when it happens and there's some lines that absolutely never leaving my brain #Akane also actually Has issues™ with stuff that she should have issues with. i.e fire and doctors #oh and they actually explore the thing about the Kurashikis parents too #and oh yeah there's some cast changes. Mira still there but Eric's not Sean's nowhere to be seen #jury is still out on zero being Delta tbh? it's ongoing and there's a lot of build up to this also this zero's got a masked assistant too #maria is there too which is really nice it makes carlos so much more tolerable #there's so much going on and my brain latched on Really Hard so I'll cut myself off here for now but I'm sure I'll make more fanart akdhjs #but yeah check it out tho! and support he author they really deserve it :3 #fanfic #horror art

[disdaidal]

Sometimes I really kind of envy you native English speakers who make writing and posting fics seem so fucking easy. With near perfect grammar and hardly any typos. Or those of you who are capable of writing & updating your fics whenever the muse hits you just right... and not like, once in six months. Actually, try two years lol.

Whereas me, a non-native speaker, who occasionally struggles even with basic English grammar:

I'm fine. Totally.

#personal #okay so i've been writing this one piece of fiction for a while now #actually two but i've seemed to put the other one on hold for a while at least #(i may have mentioned this already like five times during the past two weeks but my point is i'm still working on it) #many thanks to @ihni who recently gave me some words of encouragement <3 and ofc @catzy88 who gave me even more insp *saatananauru* #and i'm actually really kind of enjoying it because there's no pressure to write it and post it #i write it in small sections. whenever i feel like it. giving myself enough time to plan it and think about it. even getting new ideas #and for once i'm trying not to keep editing and fixing it as i go. i just write whatever crap comes to my mind and just let it flow #i try not to think about how many mistakes and typos i make because that way i'm never gonna get it finished #but at the same time... when it's finally time to go through it #fix typos. missing words. possibly poor grammar. i know i'm just gonna hate it so fucking much lmao #but i'm really trying my best here okay. and i'm trying not to rush it. for once #because i used to write like this as a teenager. when there was nowhere really to post your original stories (thank god for that) #so i did it in my notebooks. and i quite enjoyed it doing that way #and i'm not sure why i'm even rambling this because most of you are never gonna read it anyway lol. so who gives right #but it matters to me and i'm feeling good about writing again so here i am rambling about it. no matter if you care not. so cheers mateys <