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#im just so tired of my body not being well
sofie-toffy · 11 hours
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Rely on me | Arlecchino x Reader
Where you are hired as the “mother” of the Hearth to take care of the children and to act as the partner of the ever exhausted Arlecchino.
(Heavily inspired by spy x family chapter 86)
TW: none! Just pure fluff
It’s been a long week.
“So exhausting…” Arlecchino muttered in annoyance as she mentally reviewed all the tasks needed to be submitted to the fatui. She was so tired of it all: the endless requests from the Tsaritsa, the straining tasks with almost no time to complete them, infuriating peers with bigger egos than she ever thought possible.
And all the demands of her work had lead her to work on a weekend, only being able to walk back home to the orphanage at midnight.
“I have a strong feeling she’ll complain..arriving home at this hour.” Arlecchino’s thoughts swirled as her lips formed a bitter line. “I suppose reasoning to her is just another task I have to finish” She concluded, preparing herself for your grievances.
Her hand grasped the metal of the doorknob, twisting it ever so slightly, making sure to be quiet as to not disturb the children sleeping. Her face was serious, ready to see you huffing your complaint.
“Welcome home, Arle!”
You chirped, a soothing tone ringing in the air
“…what?” Arlecchino heard you the first time, but her head grew blank at the sight of you. Seeing you and hearing your voice caused an uneasy peace she wasn’t used to, always accustomed to her mind racing from work. For some reason she couldn’t think anymore, and she didn’t know why.
“I said welcome home” you repeated, your smile still as gentle as ever. “you must be tired from working all day” You slowly took a step toward her direction, but were surprised to find the sight before you.
Arlecchino fell to the floor!
“Arle! Are you okay??” You rushed toward her, concern dominating your face as you knelt to her level.
“I’m alright..” She tried to stand up but couldn’t as hard as she tried. She had no clue why. She wasn’t injured or anything, every bone in her body was working perfectly until she saw you. Her mind was able to think rapidly until she heard your voice. It was as if she was carrying the weight of the world before she opened the door..Perhaps you carried all that weight away.
All she could do was look up to find that worried look on your face. “How are the children?” Arlecchino asked, trying to distract from the fact that she plummeted to the floor.
“They’re all fast asleep. I took them out to play today and they got so exhausted they conked out as soon as they went to bed…” You replied, a small smile settling on your face as you remembered the children playing.
“Arle, if you’re that tired, i suggest you do the same!” You uttered, now sitting on the floor in front of the poor Knave.
And all the Harbinger could do was sigh, head slightly tilting forward to lean on your shoulder. She could notice the faint scent of fresh laundry with a hint of Vanilla.
“Are you okay? Do you have a fever? Should I check your temperature?” A slight tinge of anxiety wavered in your question. Arlecchino could tell heavily you were worried about her state.
“No…but i do have a request. Im sorry for placing this burden on you but..would you mind if i asked you to shoulder my share of the housework? Only for today and tomorrow.” She managed to ask, a pang of guilt as she waited for your reply.
“I wouldn’t mind at all, i’d be happy to!” Your eyes squinted as you smiled in reply.
“How strange.” The harbinger thought.
“Why are you happy about this? I thought people detest chores”
“Well, I do agree that chores aren’t the most enjoyable thing …but, i guess what I wanted was to be able to actually take care of you. I enjoy you being able to rely on me a little”
Arlecchino didn’t say anything in reply. How could she when such sweet words were spoken?
“I..know that you can do pretty much anything by yourself. And when times are hard, you try to spare me from it. But I don’t think you need to be so perfect all the time.
“…”
“You shouldn’t have to put up that front so often. So when you asked me for help just now, that made me sort of happy.
“…”
“I want you to be able to relax from time to time, you work so hard even on days off. So please, don’t hesitate to rely on me a little.” You finished, a small tint of embarrassment on your cheeks as you realized how much you confessed. But Arlecchino didn’t mind at all. And you realized she didn’t when she gazed up at you, an uncharacteristic curve of her smile showing.
“Thank you. In all honesty, I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”
Although her common replies are distinct and straightforward, often not having a convey of emotion. This was different. Her voice wavered as if all of her emotions were coming together. Every part of her felt so relieved, she felt like putty in your hands as you held her in your embrace.
She had never felt so much, until you.
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03jyh23 · 3 hours
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— starlight, guide light, and everything in between || jeong yunho
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In the quiet moments of parenthood, amidst the tears and the laughter, we find strength in each other's arms, and love that knows no bounds.
first-time dad!yunho x first-time mom!reader
genre: angst, fluff
trigger warnings: infant distress/crying; illegitimate child; parental anxiety/panic; emotional distress; breastfeeding; postpartum experiences
words: 3.8 k
reminder: what you're about to read is purely fiction, so let's keep it separate from reality.
!minors do not interact!
— hi there! the time has finally come, and im publishing my first Yunho fic 🥹 lately, some kind of maternal instinct seems to have awakened in me, and i had to get it out somehow 😭😭 i guess im getting old. just to clarify, i haven't given birth myself or have kids, so this fic is solely written based on my imagination of what it might feel like postpartum.
love, monika. ♡
if you enjoyed this post, i'd be so grateful for a little love – a like, reblog or comment would truly make my day!
You were dozing off wrapped in Yunho’s arms, your head in the crook of his neck, his smell calming your tired body. Your eyes were heavy, and it was getting harder to fight sleep. His hand was creasing your sides softly, lulling you to sleep. Being curled up on top of your boyfriend was your favorite place on earth. There was something incredibly comforting about being wrapped up in Yunho’s arms, feeling his warmth and steady heartbeat. It's like your own little sanctuary, a safe place where you can let go of all your worries and just be present in the moment. And falling asleep like that, with the gentle rhythm of Yunho's breathing and the soft touch of his hand, felt like drifting off into a dreamland.
It was a little over a month since your life was turned upside down when your little daughter was born. In that short period, every aspect of your world had shifted, reshaped by the arrival of this tiny, precious bundle of joy. The days had blurred together in a whirlwind of feedings, diaper changes, and sleepless nights. Yet amidst the chaos, there were moments of pure magic—how your daughter's eyes would light up with wonder at the world around her, the soft coos and gurgles that melted your heart, and the overwhelming sense of love that filled every corner of your home. But alongside the joy, there were also moments of doubt and uncertainty. Yunho, however, was deeply scared and anxious about becoming a father to a daughter. The mere thought of holding the fragile little being, feeding her, or changing her, filled him with a sense of fear and hesitation. It almost seemed like he was unable, or unwilling, to form an emotional bond with the newborn. This emotional disconnect was not just limited to the baby. Ever since you gave birth, a sense of apprehension and fear had gripped him. It was as if he was afraid to hold you, to touch you, and to confront the changes that your body had undergone postpartum.
The vulnerability that came with postpartum recovery was like nothing you had ever experienced before. Your body felt foreign, every movement was accompanied by a dull ache, a reminder of the physical toll that bringing your daughter into the world had exacted. But it wasn't just the physical changes that left you feeling vulnerable—it was the emotional upheaval as well. The hormonal fluctuations, the sleep deprivation, the overwhelming responsibility of caring for a newborn—all of it combined to create a perfect storm of doubt and insecurity. In those moments of vulnerability, you had expected Yunho to be your rock, your unwavering source of support and comfort. Yet, his actions—or rather, his lack of them—left you feeling more alone than ever. His hesitation to hold your daughter, and his reluctance to look at your postpartum body, all served as a painful reminder of your perceived shortcomings as a mother and a partner. You couldn't help but wonder if Yunho found you unlovable now if the changes wrought by childbirth had somehow diminished your worth in his eyes. It was a cruel thought, born out of fear and insecurity, but it lingered nonetheless, festering like an open wound in your heart. You couldn't help but feel a sense of helplessness wash over you. The distance between you and your boyfriend felt insurmountable, a gaping chasm that threatened to swallow you whole.
That's why today's little nap meant everything to you. For the first time since the birth of Yunmi, Yunho was holding you like this, providing you with the comfort and warmth you longed for.
‘’Wait, did you hear that?’’ Yunho’s soft voice disrupted your nap. Not in your right state of mind yet, you just hummed against his neck, your eyes not opening even for a second. With a gentle hand, Yunho shifted you slightly, allowing himself to slip out from beneath your embrace. As he rose from the bed, you blinked groggily, trying to shake off the remnants of sleep that clung to your senses.
"What is it?" you murmured, your voice thick with sleep. Yunho's expression was one of quiet concern as he motioned towards the crib.
"I think she's awake," he whispered, his tone barely audible in the dimly lit room. Your exhaustion weighed heavily on every limb, making even the simplest tasks seem daunting. With a weariness that seemed to seep into your bones, you clung to the pillows, seeking refuge in their soft embrace.
"Could you get her?" you whispered, your voice barely above a hoarse murmur, as you heard the soft cry emanating from the crib. You mustered all your strength to sit up and shake off the tiredness as you looked at Yunho standing still next to the crib, almost as if he was unable to move any closer. Each cry felt like a dagger to your heart, a reminder of your inability to provide the comfort that your daughter so desperately needed.
"I think it's better if you take her," he said, his voice devoid of emotion, his gaze fixed on the wall as if unwilling to meet your eyes. The words struck you like a slap in the face, igniting a firestorm of indignation deep within your chest. Yunho's refusal to take Yunmi stirred a storm of emotions within you. Anger, frustration, hurt—all of it boiled beneath the surface, threatening to spill over at any moment. How could he still refuse to take responsibility for his own daughter? How could he stand there, staring blankly ahead, while you bore the brunt of exhaustion and fatigue?
"Yunho, how can you—" you began as you stood up from the bed, your voice trembling with emotion, but the words caught in your throat, choked off by the weight of your anger and hurt. Tears welled in your eyes, hot and stinging, as you struggled to contain the torrent of emotions threatening to overwhelm you. As you approached the crib, your hands clenched into fists at your sides, your breath coming in ragged gasps as you fought to maintain control. You leaned over the crib to take Yunmi into your arms and care for her. With a shaky breath, you turned away from Yunho, cradling your daughter close to your chest as you retreated to the living room. You weren't surprised that Yunho stayed behind in the bedroom, his presence a silent reminder of the distance that had grown between you. With a heavy heart, you settled onto the couch, cradling Yunmi in your arms as you prepared to breastfeed her. Your daughter's eyelids drooped as she nursed, the weight of exhaustion finally catching up to her. With each gentle suckle, she grew more and more drowsy, her tiny fingers curling against your skin in a gesture of contentment. As you watched her drift off to sleep, a pang of guilt tugged at your heart. You had expected Yunho to be there for you, to support you through the challenges of motherhood, yet time and time again, he had fallen short of your expectations. Yunmi finally drifted off to sleep, her tiny chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. With a weary sigh, you leaned back against the pillows, holding your daughter close as you closed your eyes, allowing the exhaustion of the day to finally claim you.
You opened your eyes to see Yunho carefully lifting your daughter from your arms, his movements a mix of awkwardness and tenderness. Despite his initial hesitance, there was a determination in the way he cradled her against his chest as if he wanted to make up for any shortcomings. As he tiptoed back into the bedroom, you couldn't help but feel a surge of warmth in your heart. Despite the challenges you faced, seeing Yunho taking care of your daughter for what you believed was the first time, filled you with hope for the future. You listened as Yunho gently placed your daughter in her crib, his voice humming a soft lullaby as he tucked her in. Drifting back to sleep, you were roused once more by Yunho's quiet voice emanating from the bedroom.
"I have so much I want to say to you," he whispered, his voice barely above a hushed murmur. Yunho gazed down at Yunmi, her small form tucked snugly into her crib, her chest rising and falling in the steady rhythm of sleep. ''I'm so sorry for letting you, and your mommy down since day one...'' A sense of awe washed over him as he watched his daughter, the weight of his emotions threatening to overwhelm him. "You're my little starlight, and I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. Yunmi is Daddy's precious, shining light in the darkness." He reached out to gently brush a stray lock of hair from her forehead, his touch feather-light against her soft skin. "Daddy is really so sorry," he continued, his voice thick with emotion. "Sorry for all the times I've been afraid, for all the moments I've missed. I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and I'll do whatever it takes to be the father you deserve." As he spoke, he felt a surge of love and determination welling up inside him, a newfound sense of purpose ignited by the presence of his daughter. In her innocent slumber, he saw the promise of a future filled with endless possibilities, a future that he vowed to protect and nurture with all his heart. "I may not have all the answers, and I will make mistakes along the way," he whispered, his voice trembling with sincerity. "But I promise to always be here for you, to love you unconditionally, and to cherish every moment we share." With a tender smile, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering against her skin for a moment longer. "I love you and Mommy so much. Sleep well, my little starlight," he whispered his voice a soft lullaby that filled the bedroom with warmth and love. "And know that Daddy will always be here, watching over you, every step of the way. From now on Daddy will do his best." As Yunho's words echoed in the quiet of the apartment, you felt a mix of emotions welling up inside you, threatening to overflow. Tears streamed down your face, unnoticed in the darkness, as a tumultuous storm of feelings raged within your heart. Anger simmered beneath the surface, directed not at Yunho, but at yourself. How could you have been so blind to his struggles, so oblivious to the pain he had been carrying? You berated yourself for not recognizing the signs sooner, for not being there for him when he needed you most. But amidst the anger, there was also a profound sense of relief—a weight lifting from your shoulders as you finally understood the depth of Yunho's feelings. For the first time since your daughter was born, you felt truly connected to him, bound together by the shared experience of parenthood and the raw vulnerability of exposing one's innermost fears. And beneath it all, there was love—a love that transcended words and actions, a love that bound you together despite the challenges you faced. Despite the tears and the turmoil, there was a sense of gratitude in knowing that you were not alone—that together, you could weather any storm that came your way.
A little while later, you heard Yunho returning to the living room, his footsteps soft against the floor. A pang of guilt tugged at your heart as you pretended to be asleep, not wanting him to know that you had overheard his heartfelt words to your daughter. You quickly wiped your tears, and kept your breathing slow and steady, willing yourself to remain still as Yunho approached the couch. Soon, his arms enveloped you in a gentle embrace, lifting you bridal-style and carrying you back to your shared bedroom. Settling you onto the bed, he tucked you in with care, ensuring you were comfortable before gently placing the duvet over you. His touch was tender, his actions speaking volumes of his love and devotion. Yunho pressed down a warm kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering for a moment against your skin.
" Y/N, I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice trembling with emotion against your forehead. "I'm just so scared to be a father," he whispered, his voice barely audible in the stillness of the room. "Scared to hurt her, to make mistakes that she'll never forgive.’’ You felt the weight of his fear pressing down on you, his vulnerability laying bare the depths of his insecurities. With each word, it was as if a window had been opened to his soul, revealing the raw, unfiltered truth of his innermost thoughts and feelings. ‘’I want to be the best father I can be, but... but what if I'm not enough?” His voice cracked with the weight of his uncertainty, his words echoing in the stillness of the room. And then, you felt it—a single tear falling onto your temple, a silent testament to the depth of his pain and fear. In that moment, your heart broke for him, for the struggles he faced and the burdens he carried. "And you," Yunho continued, his voice trembling with emotion, "you've been amazing since day one. I've watched you, seen the way you care for her with such love and devotion. It's like you were born to be a mother, and... and I can't help but feel like I'm falling short.’’ Yunho longed to be the pillar of support you needed, the rock upon which your family could lean in times of trouble. But with each passing day, the weight of his insecurities grew heavier, threatening to crush him beneath their burden. "I'm still so afraid," he admitted, his voice barely a whisper now. "Afraid of letting you down, of letting Yunmi down. But I promise, I'll keep trying. I'll do whatever it takes to be the father she deserves, even if... even if it scares me to my core." In the darkness of the bedroom, his words hung heavy in the air. "I love you so much, Y/N, and I will do better, I will be the support you need." Yunho's voice broke through the silence once again, his words filled with sincerity and remorse.
"And I love you," you finally whispered, your voice filled with tenderness and affection. With a gentle touch, you reached out to wipe away the tears that streaked Yunho's cheeks, your fingers tracing the contours of his face with utmost care.
"You've been awake the entire time?" Yunho's voice broke the silence, his words carrying a mixture of surprise and relief. A shy smile tugged at the corners of his lips, a hint of uncertainty in his gaze as he met your eyes. You returned his smile, the warmth of his presence washing over you like a gentle breeze.
"Yes," you admitted softly, your voice filled with understanding. "I heard everything." There was no judgment in your words, no recrimination for his vulnerability. Instead, there was only acceptance—a shared acknowledgment of the complexities of love and the struggles that came with it. Yunho's smile widened, a sense of gratitude shining in his eyes.
"Thank you for listening," he whispered, his lips placing yet another kiss on your forehead. "And for being here with me." You reached out to him, your hand finding his in the darkness, a silent reassurance of your love and support.
"Always," you whispered, your voice filled with unwavering devotion. "I'll always be here for you, Yunho. Through thick and thin." Yunho creased your cheek gently, his eyes never leaving yours. "And now get under the covers with me," you giggled mischievously, reaching out to pull Yunho close by his neck. With a playful tug, you caught him off guard, pulling him towards you until he landed on top of you with a soft thud. Yunho's eyes widened in surprise, a startled laugh escaping his lips as he found himself sprawled across the bed, his gaze locked with yours.
"You little trickster," he chuckled, his voice filled with amusement as he shifted to settle beside you under the covers. With a grin, you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him close until your bodies were pressed together in a warm embrace. The feel of his warmth against your skin sent a shiver of delight down your spine, a feeling of contentment settling over you like a soft blanket. "I haven't kissed you in forever," Yunho murmured, his voice laced with longing as he gazed into your eyes with a mixture of affection and desire. A soft smile tugged at the corners of your lips, your heart fluttering at the thought of his lips against yours.
"Then what are you waiting for?" you teased as you leaned in closer to him. With a tender touch, Yunho cupped your cheek, his thumb brushing lightly against your skin as he drew you closer to him. And then, with a gentle tilt of his head, his lips met yours in a sweet, lingering kiss. At that moment, as you melted into each other's embrace, time seemed to stand still. The world faded away, leaving only the two of you, lost in the warmth and intimacy of the moment. As you pulled away, breathless and flushed with emotion, you felt a sense of completeness wash over you—a reminder that no matter how long it had been since your last kiss, the love you shared was as strong and passionate as ever. A playful sparkle danced in your eyes as you posed the question, your curiosity piqued by Yunho's endearing nickname for your daughter.
"If she's your starlight, then what does it make me?" you asked, a teasing lilt to your voice as you awaited his response. Yunho's gaze softened as he looked at you, a tender smile gracing his lips.
"You," he said softly, his voice filled with warmth and affection, "you're my guiding light. The one that leads me home, no matter how lost I may feel." Your boyfriend's words washed over you like a gentle caress, filling you with a sense of warmth and love. With a smile of your own, you leaned in closer to him, your heart overflowing with love and gratitude.
"And you," you whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, "you're my everything." And as you melted into each other's embrace, surrounded by the quiet intimacy of the night, you knew that no matter what the future held, as long as you had each other, you could weather any storm that came your way.
The sound of Yunmi's cries pierced through the tranquility of the night, pulling you from the depths of sleep with a jolt. You moved to rise from the bed, instinctively driven to tend to your daughter's needs. But before you could fully untangle yourself from the sheets, Yunho's firm grip on your arm halted your movements.
"I'll get her," he murmured, his voice filled with determination as he gently pulled you back towards the bed. You hesitated for a moment, torn between the instinctual urge to rush to Yunmi's side and the desire to trust Yunho to handle the situation. But as you looked into his eyes, you saw a steely resolve there—a determination to prove himself as a capable dad, despite his fears and insecurities. With a silent nod, you allowed yourself to sink back onto the bed, the warmth of Yunho's presence comforting you as you watched him rise to tend to your daughter. As he crossed the room to Yunmi's crib, you couldn't help but feel a surge of pride welling up within you—a recognition of the strength and courage it took for him to step up and take on the role of caregiver. Yunho took her in his arms, gently and tenderly, almost as if he were afraid that his touch alone might hurt her. He held Yunmi close to his chest, rocking gently from side to side, he tried to calm his daughter, yet Yunho's panic escalated as Yunmi's cries persisted, his worry evident in the trembling of his hands and the furrow of his brow.
"Is she okay?" he asked, his voice tight with anxiety.
"She's probably just hungry," you reassured him gently as you stood up for the bed, understanding the depth of his concern. But before you could offer to nurse her yourself, Yunho's response caught you off guard.
"Oh..." he trailed off, his voice filled with uncertainty. "I can't breastfeed her," he murmured, the realization dawning on him as he grappled with the limitations of his role as a father. You reached out to him, placing a comforting hand on his arm.
"It's okay, baby," you assured him softly. "There are other ways you can help soothe her. We can prepare a bottle together, or you can hold her close while I feed her. What's important is that we're both here for her." Yunho nodded, his eyes reflecting a mixture of relief and gratitude.
"Thank you," Yunho whispered, his voice filled with emotion as he passed Yunmi gently into your arms, his eyes still big with worry. "Should I prepare a bottle for her?" You smiled softly at his eagerness to help, appreciating his willingness to step up despite his initial panic.
"I think I'll just breastfeed her for now," you replied, your voice gentle and reassuring. "But thank you for offering." Yunho nodded, a sense of relief washing over him as he watched you cradle Yunmi close, the familiarity of the bond between mother and daughter bringing him a sense of comfort. As you settled into the comfortable position, you nursed Yunmi, Yunho remained by your side, offering silent support and encouragement. As you nursed Yunmi, the gentle rhythm of her feeding lulled both her and Yunho into a peaceful slumber. The soft sounds of her contented suckling mixed with the steady beat of their breathing, creating a tranquil symphony that filled the room. With Yunmi cradled in your arms and Yunho nestled close beside you, you felt a profound sense of contentment wash over you. The warmth of their bodies against yours, the softness of their breath against your skin—it was a moment of pure serenity, a snapshot of the quiet joy that parenthood brought. You allowed yourself to bask in the tranquility of the moment, relishing the feeling of being surrounded by the ones you loved most in the world. In the soft glow of the morning light, you watched over them with a heart full of love, knowing that in this simple embrace, you had everything you ever needed.
"Be patient with him. He's trying," you whispered to your daughter, the words soft and tender as you gazed down at her sleeping form.
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kuzukami · 1 day
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Personal ranking of each Akatsuki member Pt. 2/2
Please share your opinions about this shit im so bored and it would be like a little treat
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5 Sasori: this man is a monster. Like I adore this dude but fr as a child he set up a slow and painful death for his friend just cuz. Like then he has such fun after that turning himself into a puppet killing his kazekage/teacher turning literal bodies into puppets like if you think about it he is SOOOO DERANGED. his fuck it is guess ill just chill and die was honestly insane too. Like i dont think he was at peace when he died i think he was just like im so bored and tired of fighting grandma id rather kill myself. I live this deranged puppet boy.
4 Kisame: Itachi said it best, hes just a thug lost in the mist. Like hes soooo polite tho. Why is this THUG so well mannered and impressive. Hes like yea im a shark guy, im really courteous, deranged, strong and intelligent. Wtf is that combo meal even‽ He had such a cool story and I wish with all of my heart that we had more backstory, but I am happy with what we got. Also he is so fun to write, he can be written so many ways that are different but believable. Man is a buffet of options to love. Oh also hes just so over the mist! Like this guy was just like cool with being evil as long as it meant transparency 😂. The mist was so secretive and not that he couldn’t keep secrets but it got to a point where he was just not for it and i think that is hilarious for a shinobi.
3 Deidara: hes perfect. Like hes so self centered and pretentious. Hes a true gifted kid that isnt the biggest fish in the pond anymore. Hes so pretty, and catty. His jutsus really are unique and fun, and like we dont know why hes such a douche bag. Like when we see other iwa nin they arent terrible. Did he really leave to get commission work at like 14/15? Was he just trying to find himself? I also love that he doesnt even want to join the akatsuki at first but then thinks its so exclusive that he now must take so much pride! Its hilarious. Hes shown so much and i want more and hes versatile.
2 Hidan: who doesnt love a mentally ill pretty boy. Like I have had sooo many questions about jashinisim and his rituals since day one! I love his dynamic with Kakuzu and the others. His character design is cool, they really captured the insanity and unhinged mentality in this guy like hes great. I want so much content about Just this sicko. I am eternally heart broken we didnt get more. I want more info on the land of steam, the valley of death, jashin, the fucking hole, him etc.
1 Kakuzu: Same as Hidan I have endless questions, with a endless love for what they did give us. The dynamic was incredible, his body language was soooo good like guy just exudes the vibes of living a long hard life. Like I want content about this man nonstop, and especially things about his past and private life. I want waterfall country info, familial ties, past lives hes lived, ex partners all of it. Plus hes a big muscle daddy which is such a treat. And hes creepy i love his earth grudge fear heart monsters.
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cosmic-kaden · 3 months
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My f/o making a soft comfy spot for me on the floor in the living room for me to pass out onto is self care.
Imagining my f/o coming with me to the bathroom so I can squeeze their hand when I'm in pain and then reassuring me and not being grossed out is self care.
My f/o reminding me to drink a lot of water so it flushes out those nasty little bacterias is self care.
My f/o helping and reminding me to take my antibiotics in the morning and before bed is self care.
My f/o comforting and reassuring me when I'm having a break down because I'm so sick of this constant state of my body shutting down or having something wrong with it is self care...
I just want to be better.. :c
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ozlices · 2 months
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i have to make appointments & also let my doctor know id rather continue one of the new meds she put me on bc it actually helped but ive been completely unmedicated for 2 fucking days & the thought of doing Anything makes me wanna throw up im so over being a person
#mine#i rly do not have it in me to make appointments dawg i have medical trauma can i get used to one new doctor#before im tossed around like a gd hot potato to numerous others. i literally attend my appointments w my cane#what's not clicking abt me having VERY fucking low energy in the aftermath of sm straining stress bruh#but like i dont have a choice bc i could have some of my meds stopped if i dont see certain doctors & im just here like 🫠#i feel somewhat stupid like damn i rly thought finally i had a chill doctor w common sense but no i still gotta fight for my gd life#just be given say over MY OWN GODDAMN WELLBEING#'oh well this causes physical health concerns' to be completely blunt idfc anymore.#truly i fucking do not#my body is a fucking nightmare my entire system resents at this point bc we always have some lvl of bs going on w it#we've no choice but to stop fucking caring bc the numerous mental strains we're dealing w worsen them ON THEIR OWN#& also like literally fuck off bc my body wouldn't be this shit if doctors actually TOOK CARE OF ME PROPERLY#before it got this bad.#there's no fucking fixing shit now by worsening my already overwhelmed & strained body/mind by making me a gd hot potato#if im not Actively Perishing or on the immediate brink of the risk IDC#I NEED TO FUCKING BE ALLOWED TO //CHILL THE EVER LOVING FUCK OUT//#//that// SHOULD BE THE PRIORITU#ive been strained for YEARS but esp since last year to a CONSTANT degree#can i fucking get one GODDAMN foot on the ground to pick myself back up jfc#im so tired & annoyed & sick of there always being SOMETHING#i just wanna fucking chill & finish my preps to stream again & get back to pursuing what i love please#im gonna LOSE MY MIND
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opens-up-4-nobody · 4 months
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#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again#it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof#is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head#my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the#middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up#like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles.#the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable#bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to#ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on#lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life#anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been#like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i#might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it#i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt#the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective#but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch.#itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work#but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops#not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy#ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day#ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time#ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea#of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i#get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism#ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes#unrelated
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TFW you hope you wake up the next morning either sick or incapable of moving, just so you can avoid the impending work shift that you know will make you absolutely miserable.
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oscill4te · 4 months
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cleaning the bathroom is like the most physical chore ever (moreso the shower, really)
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mangoofthesea · 8 months
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Trying to explain my family relationship as someone without parents who isn't brilliantly fond of remaining relatives: no I call my uncle Uncle X to my grandmother but I can't call him uncle to his face because he's not really, like he's my grandmother's son and mom's brother (technically. Like theyre blood related but if my main view of you in the last 10 years was you and my mother screaming at each other or you making her sad because you never made an effort to see her beyond coming to our house and lying on the sofa with your laptop writing that book series you never seemed to try and publish or do actually anything with other than say that was why you were living in your parents house or girlfriends house or how you had a YEAR of living on your own before you gave it up and moved in with your next girlfriend - thats a whole other thing (but seriously, why)...im not gonna have the most warm and fuzzy feelings towards you) but I don't like him or care much about him so I can't call him uncle but gran will be sad if I start calling him just his name when we're all together so I don't say anything to get his attention I just say a question Loudly and hope he responds. And my gran keeps trying to help me make breakfast, but I don't need help putting toast in a toaster or milk on cereal so instead I've been here for the best part of 3 weeks since my last escape and I feel like I want to go climb into the trees and never return but I'm moving out tomorrow and fuck me I want to start walking already fuck fuck fuck I hate that I can't drive
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bl00dw1tch · 9 months
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transgaysex · 10 months
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laying down feels fucking sexual after moving heavy shit around for 5 hours in a row
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emobatsy · 1 year
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suddenly bodily and psychologically crashed and am so exhausted and bone-deep sad i feel like a mourning gibbon. i should be proud and excited but rn i just wanna curl up and not exist
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kellystar321 · 2 years
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#periodical life updates#is that spelled right;;; bluhhhh :') okay anyway#im too tired to draw but too awake to sleep; cursed to be stagnantly unproductive :pensive:#cant even draw an eca; much less my artfight attacks. ALSO everytime i finish a revenge TWO OTHER PEOPLE ATTACK ME#and i am thankful for art but also STOP MY REVENGES WILL NEVER GO DOWN and i still need to do friend arts!!!#ough cursed with my trivial little problems u-u i may be overwhelmed (''oh you think?!'' <- brain balancing 36+ different artfight pieces)#animating for a few hopefully; multiple characters for several; i dont want to do backgrounds anymore but i should :'>#one of my notes for one is ''jegus chrimst jace are you going to draw a whole -ss car?!'' hfhgfg#it was a mistake trying to name them all flowers but im committed to it now#also mom wants me to go back to school and i literally have no more gen-eds to cover for me and i still dont know what major i want#i feel stuck in that regard so i just try not to think about it. but the semester is approaching :'/#guhhh im too tired to go on my laptop but i physically cant nap :'/ cursed forever /lh#body please either stop being tired or settle down enough to take a sleep!! make up your mind you silly lil guy!!#maybe i'll reblog things or scroll tumblr or something; oh unproductive mindless activity u-u#aight peace out; love you all <33#edit: i realize ive accidentally been using ''periodic life updates'' instead of ''periodicAL life updates'' hfghf well sht
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pizzapizzadickz · 1 year
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#diary#personal#i was gonna journal but im far too tired now and i cant.#so instea imma ramble here.#anyways. i was thinking lately how as i got earlier i sorta would just. cut off parts of myself.#like. id observe everyone around me. figure out what was socially acceptable. and remove what wasnt.#sometimes... people would say little things. and i work very very hard to to fix that about myself.#like. if i dont understand humor. i worked REALLY hard so i could. and so i could figure out how to joke and talk with others.#and god. anytime i make friends i try REALLY FUCKING HARD to make sure i like. do their activities that theh like.#i just sorta hope that i can have friends that way. if they like cars well now i do. if they like computers now i do. etc.#and like. i used to try hard to keep up with pop culture shit so i could feel included. cuz otherwise id be left out.#honeslty all of elemetry school i remember trying so hard to fit in and it really made me feel like i lost myself in it all.#i remember in high school a lot of this came to a head and i sorta just. felt lost a lot.#i like. feel a lot better now. i dont do things i dont wanna. i dont try so hard to blend in. but its still really hard sometimes.#i remember. i used to always have to ask what people mean. what a joke was about. i felt excluded from things a lot.#i sorta. gave up on friends in like. grade 7-8ish. i was also sorta depressed. so id just. watch people#and in the winter. id sometimes walk around in little circles and make patterns in the snow. recess wasnt long enough tho#i remember in grade 3 when i sorta became the token loner id just. walk around aimlessly at school.#it was sad being excluded but i really learned to enjoy it to. to really feel the wind. to listen to the sounds. to feel present#i love the swings. still do. might be why i rock so much now? ive always just loved throwing my body around violently.#it honestly makes me really sad now bc it hurts now. i cant move in ways that are fun anymore.#i can rock tho. and i do a lot. yknow i saw a girl(?) on the bus the other day rocking#it was so... strange to see it from the outside. i wonder if thats what i look like now that i think about it.#it was distressing tho bc they seemed upset. bc thats how i rock when upset. just. very regimented.#theyd stop abruptly. then continue. i could really only see myself in that. i wanted to ask if they were okay but...#i felt that it could potentially cause more stress. besides. idk if theyre autistic or whatnot. it could be invasive. i hope they were okay#mn. i sorta wish i had never just. cut away at myself. removing what i deemed garbage.#im... so much different from the way i portay myself sometimes.#i love looking at things. just. staring at stuff. watching people. and. when im with others i remove that.#when i work i have to remove the fun from things. and that sucks.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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somehow i have reached enlightenment where i am free of anger. all it took is for my mom to be so so mad at my dad and everyone and everything else in the world all the time to do it
#like. my moms making a HUGE cake and a bunch of cupcakes for her coworkers husbands birthday or whatever#and i usually help her with baking bc we both really enjoy it#so yesterday we made all the frosting and i made soft pretzels bc we thought it would be fun to use to make the handle on the beer mug cake#instead of using gum paste so i made like 10 or so normal pretzels and two that we could try and use for that#so we all didnt want to cook dinner and left to pick something up. and when we come back i saw my dad had eaten one of the fucking#specifially shaped ones. i was like im not even dealing with this now im fucking hungry and ate#then after we were all done my mom finally saw and was like did you fucking eat the differently shaped one#and my dad was like lol yeah 🤪 and she was like we were fucking using that for the cake#and my dad isnt even like oh im so sorry or anything he literally just. oh lol if it makes you feel better i gave half to the dog 🤪🤪😋!!!#usually i would be so fucking angry bc /I/ was the one who made all the pretzels in the first place but my body was like no girl we have to#shield ourselves from how upset your moms about to be#anyways. my dad just came in to my room be like ughhhh should i make another batch. and i was like well you dont have to bc i made two#so i guess we can go with that and hes like ughhhhh no i guess i will so your mom wont be mad at me 🙄#im just. im just so fucking tired of my dad doing all this shit to either intentionally or unintentionally irritate me and my mom and then#acting like hes being fucking crucified bc EVERYONE IS AGAINST HIM!!!! when he refuses to apologize or even acknowledge that hes done#anything wrong. like i get nobody in this fucking family is good at talking abt anything but he just is so avoidant things have been piling#up for YEARS.#ugh. okay. done i guess i dont know im just so tired. i feel like i have to play fucking marriage therapist to these two bc he refuses to do#anything to try and make their lives not miserable
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