#vent.tw

[attackradish]

The ultimate terror (aside from being evil of course) is that I’m inherently careless and ungrateful, and I’ll never be able to appreciate things or give them the care and reverence they deserve? I have broken things and worn them out and if I was more careful and appreciative maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I have received gifts and I don’t think I experienced the degree of joy I was supposed to, and some of them I rarely use. My mom lent me a softcover book because I was really fascinated by it and I haven’t gotten around to reading it, and I accidentally creased the cover. What if I get good food and I can’t fully recognize how good it is and the experience is wasted on me? I’m terrified this isn’t something I can fix because when I try to get more enthusiasm out of my heart there isn’t any.

#Vent.tw #I am so bad at receiving gifts #I should be slain for being such an empty hollow parasite

[cosmic-kaden]

oops had a wee bit of a bad day in a sense- only realized it now tbh, subconsciously my mind won't let me do things that are relaxing when I'm at home. Like for instance, I never take off my shoes. I wake up, put my shoes on and leave them on (I just took them off now at 11pm) When told I can take my shoes off I say "I know~" then proceed to act as if I never heard them say that. I won't hang around in my pjs, I tell people its because I don't feel productive in my pjs but thats a lie. sometimes I fall asleep fully clothed.

"Why do you have your keys in your pocket?" "I like jingling" more lies.

Why do you have this backpack full of stuff? Oh that's always ready for when I decide to spend the night at my best friends. Lie lie lie.

I'm constantly in my shoes and always dressed in case something goes wrong. I always have my keys on my person in case I need to run far away really fast and I dunno what time would be safe to come home. I have a backpack always packed in case I need to leave for the night because its not safe for me.

All of these are relics from my past. I know I'm safe here. I know nobody is going to hurt me but my brain has already set up a defense to run if I need too.

As I sat here, realizing how fucking stupid I am, as I was untying my shoes that I've had on since 6:30am I started to think about Ben tbh..

He wouldn't call this stupid or silly... He would make me feel safe. He would reassure me I was safe a million times over as he helped me take my shoes off because I am too hesitant to do it myself.

He would help me get ready for the night, helping me out of my clothes and into something comfortable all while kissing random spots on my jaw, neck, shoulders, reiterating that I'm safe and that he won't let anything or anyone hurt me.

Even then, he would snuggle up with me in bed, run his fingers through my hair and tell me how much I mean to him and that he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt me, physically or emotionally. He was there for me no matter what I was going through he would always be there to try to help me through it...

He understands what I went through was hard and I have a lasting trauma that won't simply go away overnight.

He makes me feel seen, loved, understood, and most importantly, he makes me feel safe, safer than I've ever felt-

#long post sorry.. #Wanted to get this out- because yeah like I said... I realized I was about to pass out fully clothed and in my shoes with my stupid keys in #my pocket-- #So how I coped with getting ready for bed was thinking of Ben and it helped me a lot. It was still hard but I managed <3 He helps me so muc #I'm forever grateful to him. <3 #not rebloggable because its personal- #tw: trauma #tw: implied abuse mention #vent.tw #<- kinda #I'm going to try and get some sleep

[stardust41]

. TW PERSONAL VENT!!!

(Because i cant talk to anyone about this rn)

#i feel so fucking useless #this is the year i have the most responsibilities #the most work #and only one month to fix a bunch of things that could literally change my future #and I've been doing nothing #i dont know if its thr adhd #or I'm just that fucking stupid of a person thati cant do anything right #i had so much time this weekend to fix things and I did motherfucking nothing #aside from worrying #MY LIFE IS GOING TO SHIT AND ITS ALL MY FAULT #i have no clue what to do but i havent done anything to change it and thats what pains me the most #because I feel like a lazy ass that can do nothing right #i have been enjoying life more this year but I've also been fucking up so many things #i feel like life would be so much easier if time just stopped #like completely #for a while at least #but even then even if it stopped for a while year I know i would fuck things up and do all things i needed to do right at the last minute #like always #just fucking my own life up and disappointing everyone #vent.tw #vent post #tw vent #stfu star

[7-11thuniverse]

god how do people ventpost....hurghdh hurgling. it's tricky when the people who see your posts are also the people who make you feel feelings often (in the best way. the bad ways are all me. in fact, that should be my vent post tag, if i do this regularly. i think i should. seems to help. exhibitionist journalling)

anyway. ururfh someone needs to climb into the recesses of my brain and kill the fucking demonbitch in my head that makes me feel like someone's shot me seven times in the foot when i see my friend in a voice chat with someone else, even when i am Included If I Want To Be, and i desperately want to like. be friends with the other people... it's like my skin is being carbonated and my bones are full of acid. at this point i'm like, obsessively checking discord to see if anyones in the voice chats Even Though I Know I KNOW i won't end up joining (oh fucking god though How desperately i want to) and i just end up feeling like shit, sooner. and i'm inflicted with the desperate almost-masochistic longing to know how long it's been going on for, how much i'm missing out of, how long until i'm...replaced. i guess i'm just scared of being replaced. i understand (have been working on it HARD its HARD) that i'm a pretty cool person. Objectively. but most of me can't believe that cool people like... them...would want to be close to me. anyway. huehf. sorry

#soren somewhat speaks #it's a me problem #vent.tw

[codeopathy]

🧍(rant vent thing under)

I keep seeing posts right. Just in general, this isn't to target anyone btw PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS TARGETING.

But I keep seeing posts on both ends where people are like "you can't use (label that is controversial) that's a bad term!" or "you can't tell me to dni bc I use (same term)"

And now. Maybe it's bc I'm having a bad day. But fellas, have we considered just BLOCKING and MOVING ON. Like that's a crazy concept I know but get this ok?

I'm very like "no endos int with me" because I don't think endogenics exist. BUT if someone tries to argue with me or whatever right? I can just block em. I don't have to harass em I don't have to like do nothing I can just block and live my life.

Some of you fuckers need to learn that istfg

Edit:

I will add on this now- I don't normally give a fuck if you do use specific labels (such as for sexuality) and what not. But me personally, I will not be interacting if you are an endogenic system OR you want to debate labels with me. Bro I am way too tired to gaf if someone uses a weird label my god I probably would if I had time to learn.

#vent.tw #using this to tag me angry/vent posts #but no i think i saw someone delete their shit JUST because of this. like cmon man

[shoujo--rei]

oh my god i just remembered velvet getting mad at me for not doing something they wanted me to do which literally would have put me in danger. they vagued me abt it on tumblr and everything as well.

#vent.tw #holy fuck!!

[jagar-tharns]

Having an episode so I'm downloading books from the library to ride it out as if I'm not bawling my eyes out every 5 seconds

#halp meh #vent.tw #<- for yalls blocklist

[dearreader]

this essay won’t get published because no one wants to publish an essay about someone’s dead dad, even though every single literary magazine has said they love it. great feeling 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

#vent.tw #death.tw #im literally so fucking tired of this

[sayorithot]

if ur sex positive and anti kink, no ur not

#ur either one or the other and if ur the second pls stay far away from me #this includes 'oh some kinks are ok and some are BAD' pls go away bc idk abt you but i dont think any kink is bad ppl who abuse kink are bad #cherry.txt #vent.tw

[attackradish]

Hello my mental health is the worst it’s been all year. If not longer

I could verify this by going through my vent tag but I am not going to because that takes time. This trait of mine is part of the problem but I’m not in a place to fix that right now.

ANYWAYS why am I like this. I have some inklings as to why.

Work is now opening an hour sooner. Meaning I have to wake up earlier and I have been losing sleep as a result. This is not good for the Mental Health

Current drama with a coworker that I am not going to go into that because it’s complicated and rather stupid.

Today was supposed to be my Tax Day where I did my Taxes but I was hit by dread this morning so I didn’t get around to it until like 5PM and then realized I don’t have one of my W2 forms and I can’t go looking around for that because my dad will tell me how stupid I am and how I never care about anything and am doing this on purpose. And I actually can’t care about anything I feel, but it’s not like I’m not trying it’s just that I have no soul.

I cannot give my friends the attention they deserve. I am burnt out I have no energy left for being a friend and yet there are people who miss me. And I can’t be there often enough for them not to miss me. I am neglecting them and I am a terrible person but I need to be alone.

I really do feel that I have reached my full potential. There is simply not enough caring or gumption or whatever it is I’m missing in this body of mine to achieve anything further. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move out or date or even get a job I like better than DQ. I’m done being closeted in my parents house and I’m ready to quit early.

I can’t quit early. Firstoff I have friends who care about me, and I can’t imagine what it’d do to them. I’ve got a baby niece in the house too who smiles when she sees me so I gotta live for her too. And that’s not mentioning how difficult and impractical non-painful methods of dying are. Seriously. Best option I have is locking myself in the walk in freezer with a CO2 canister, but I learned from a cool book I read that high concentrations of CO2 will make you feel like you’re suffocating, and the best gas for that purpose is Nitrogen. Which costs money and is very conspicuous.

I also don’t want to die. I just want the suffering to be over, and death really seems to be the only way out aside from Miracles like universal housing passing within the next year or two, or I attain Godhood and can just do as I please. I think about dying and it makes me want to cry. Being on the verge of tears for long periods of time really does something for my perception of my mental health, being that I haven’t been like this since the family dog died. Maybe crying would do me good.

I should probably get a therapist but I don’t have time or energy for my friends, scheduling these things takes time and effort and I don’t want to have to talk to my parents about it. I should probably get antidepressants. Also my laundry basket from yesterday isn’t even all the way filled up and it’s 9:58. And I have work tomorrow but no uniforms. God I just need to rest.

BUT HERE’S THE THING ABOUT REST. I’VE ALREADY HAD A WEEK OFF OF WORK BECAUSE OF THE FEVER. MY JOB IS UNDERSTAFFED AND I CANT MAKE THEM SUFFER THROUGH THAT AGAIN AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

Anyways I have been putting no effort into finding a place since like last year, or finding a therapist. Or really anything. I’m not sure if I can even do that. I have reached my limit. I’m simply not much substance. I’m nice to have around and talk to but quite frankly I don’t have it in me to actually survive on my own. I don’t have it in me to die either. So who knows what is going to happen. I’m going to rot forever. Dying a slow death with nothing but fantasy to dull the edges.

I have a friend who’s offered to let me crash at their place, but I can’t take them up on that offer because I’ll just be the same lifeless rock that I am. Forever. And I can’t do that to them. If I can’t break free on my own then I’m afraid I never will. My chrysalis will just stay gathering dust. Sapping resources. I need to grow wings but I don’t know if I can.

So here I remain. Closeted at my parent’s house. Probably forever. The brain does not engage. I’ve been dead for years but the body still breathes. This is all I am and it is not enough. I’m gonna pretend I live in Star Wars now until I forget the useless thing that I am. I have work tomorrow.

#vent.tw #Suicide mention #Literally I cannot kill myself. I lack the executive function and the conviction #If I had enough motivation to get sleeping pills or nitrogen or whatever I’d have enough to get an apartment and be free from this mess #God. I’m going to die of old age #Anyways I was considering going to a friend over this but I have not invested enough in those friendships to just dump this on one of them #Out of the blue

[cosmic-kaden]

✖️

What a weird feeling. I don't want to be a "boy", I don't want to be a "girl" but I also want surgeries that remove or replace other "parts" of me (but I'm too scared to open up about it. Cause it didn't blow over well last time I told those close to me....so me actually getting any surgery is like..slim to none.. )

so wtf does this make me?

Once again I am struggling to find where I "fit" ... I dunno if there are words to describe it or what but I'm feeling... Well... Like I'm outside my body at the moment- 😮‍💨 it's hard to explain...

Also feeling like I get judged a lot... Like... I wear make up and it's "she's" so pretty, oh "girly" you look good. I wear t-shirts and sweats and put on a beanie and it's you look like a "boy" what are you trying to be a "tomboy"?

Why can't I just be me without being a boy or a girl? It's these reasons and past reasons (When I thought I was Trans) that I reverted back to my dead name on Facebook because no matter how much you want to be yourself, the world just won't get it. So I am secretive about it now.. I guess I'm scared or a coward.... But I've been hurt so much by just trying to be me so I'd rather fake it till I'm not in shitty situations anymore.. which I may never get out of at this point..

This feels like the only place that I can ask things like wishing to be called Cosmic and people do and you all only knowing me as Kaden instead of a name I've long since left behind. You respect my pronouns and never once did I have to correct anyone.

This is the only place I can share my feelings without feeling judged-

Finding it hard to exist in real life at the moment and I just want to know when I can be brave enough again to step out and tell the world who I am. (Cause god knows right now in my situation I cannot.. my mom would not understand and say some pretty nasty things about it.. and she would out me to everyone and the people she knows are very anti-lgbtqa+)

safety over happiness I guess..

Thanks for reading if you did, I'm just feeling a little alone in this at the moment and needed to vent.

#questioning everything again and with life it sucks- #sorry sorry! I needed to vent it out or I'd explode. #not self ship #vent.tw

[divine-skyline]

Vent warning

We hate how humans think of us as our physical form. Disgusting

[Start ID: an angel trying to pry a human faced mask stuck to their face. Black liquid is coming out of the face and the body is heavily distorted. End ID.]

We know this is not the place for venting, because this is a kin blog, but we were already having bad face dysmorphia/dysphoria for a few days, hence, the drawing, and today someone commented on our face, which led us to posting it.

It was supposed to be a compliment, but no... if someone hates something about their body, then you do not compliment it. Even worse is that this was already a low key ableist teacher we have.

Can humans just stop viewing each other as their physical forms please

#dysmorphia. #body horror. #vent.tw

[transsexula]

Just gotta breathe and remind myself that everything is going to be okay. I’ll figure something out. Eventually this rough patch will smooth over. I can do it.

#I can keep going. life is worth it. it’s going to be okay. #goddamn the BPD is not making this easy. #googles: emergency shut off for ur nervous system during panic attack #vent.tw

[7-11thuniverse]

ah. people are amazing.

fucking. cursed with shy and anxious and very self-conscious but love talking to people and making new friends

sometimes though, i do wish. i loved a little less. or found people i don't feel like i'm overloading with too much affection

#vent.tw #soren somewhat speaks #it's a me problem

[the-skeleton-speaks]

I'm about to just draw my fucking nightmare to try and get it out of my system because it won't fucking leave my brain and I don't wanna dream that shit again tonight.

It's still making my body tingle /neg and I'm fucking tired of my hyper-realistic nightmares and I'm FUCKING tired of my brain thinking it was real for like five minutes after I woke up.

I get strings of time where I only have nightmares every night and it's pissing me off because my mental health goes down the fucking horse plinko every time and they can last for weeks or even months.

What's wrong with me

#the skeleton speaks #vent.tw #nightmare.tw

[dearreader]

the way my mom got mad at me for trying to ask my aunt if she found the gift my grandmother said she got me before she died. like i’m not trying to be greedy, i just would like the last thing my grandmother wanted to give to me

#she also didn’t like my outfit and said i looked weird even though my entire family thought i looked nice #she genuinely doesn’t understand me at all but acts like she does #vent.tw