#im just here and my brains cycling on bad things

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

#just one of those nights i wish i could just disappear for a while #i don't know what im doing #im just here and my brains cycling on bad things #i wish i could just not go to work for a while and decompose in my bed for a while #i know well enough not to drink when i get home tonight #i dont know i dont know i dont know

[fleouriarts]

feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole

#hivemind tv #hmfcu #riley savage #graydon weaver #quadeca #jane remover #eden burke #my art #2023 #fanart #doodles #furry #its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online #doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself #and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling #and come back and then the cycle repeats #its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard #so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)' #NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here #and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out #and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave #i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style #idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment #i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one” #or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it” #sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse #whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m #friends for a while i think #woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography

[dandyshucks]

starting to think maybe i should turn rbs off on that post actually bc im having heart palpitations now fdsjgjkl why is this happening to meeee

#vent // #me when the paranoia is Getting Bad fjkfdsjkl #its stemming from m.oral o.cd i think bc i am mainly worried abt more eyes on my blog and ppl seeing me frolic here #and the brain gophers have been insisting that i am doing smth horribly wrong and not realizing it #and the worry is that someone is going to see that and bypass talking to me abt it and go straight to making a callout post #and i will be sitting here with Zero Idea abt it #and continue hurting ppl by doing the Unknown Wrong Thing #but i also am not sure how that would happen bc i overthink literally Everything i post #if u see me put tags on smth that isn't just a simple ''ough'' or ''hehe yay!!'' i probably sat there for two mins making sure it was okay #running thru the words at every angle i can conceive of to ensure its not going to hurt somebody somehow fdsjkl #and this paranoia has been so bad the past few days. and when it gets bad then i get worried bc maybe i somehow have a guilty conscience #without even knowing !!! just subconsciously having a guilty conscience somehow !! #which ... only makes the paranoia worse fdsgjkl its a very bad vicious circle #anyways. i have been lowkey avoiding being here lately bc of this but i feel like avoidance just makes it worse #so . hrm. i just do not want to have more crying breakdowns bc i tried to figure out what on earth i could possibly be doing so wrong fsdjk #not exactly a fun way to spend time FDSJKL but ... what can ya do i guess #like i can't ask ppl ''hey am i doing smth wrong?'' bc thats. very vague. and subjective. and also i shouldnt rely on other ppl like that #but my brain is so goofed up that i genuinely cannot tell when i get like this sdjfkl bc i feel so sure i must be doing smth wrong somehow #so every tiny thing seems like maybe its wrong in a way i dont understand yet... ough #ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS . NOT A GOOD POST TO MAKE. LOL. but i feel like this is the only way im going to bust myself out of this cycle #hopefully if i just Say that i've been really worried then if smth IS actually wrong someone will let me know #and if nothing is wrong then !! i can move on from this continual paranoia spiral !! maybe !! #i feel like me posting this is going to be a Wrong Immoral Move but fdsjkl rly trying to just. break out of it rn fsdjkl #dandyshucks

[juleteinthrum]

I'm sad today.

#zims stink #vent #ig #personal #im just sad today. it aint a bad thing but im upset about what happened #i couldn't sleep. i really needed sleep tonight and dont have much time before work #i barely got sleepy #anyway cant turn my brain ofd #ill have to work with what i call a shift nap #u rem cycle for 5 hours twice in a normal solid basic night. i can do those broken up into 2 parts given a good day but ill #like. have to work with 1 today #if i can even manage that #idk man i dont feel well and im sure gonna feel like shit later #thinking about june. makes my heart race. and i. start to feel angry until im just sad #and i know its not my fault and the more it sets in that i didn't. maybe cause all of it. that stuff just happened. that bad things just #sorta happened. it's making me so so sad. like yeah. lol im adapting back to a life that makes sense. after fully beginning to adjust to the #them. to there. to their. things. glassware and cabinet doors and the porch. the trees and birds. hills. windless now im back in windy plain #yeah. yeah its way better here but im still sad. im sad bc i left the quail and my mentor and my colleagues and my brothers #and they wouldn't even hardly look at me. they spoke to me as if I'd been shitty the entire time. talked in a tone you'd use on a toddler #if you are seeing this i need you off my blog btw #if i couldn't stay for a 5 hour nap and a munch on some. like idk even chips or something i DIDNt eat dinner. you cannot look here #anyway. tumblr is a diary and I've been not opening messages so i don't know who i have to turn to rn so ill jusg dump here #part of my issue. cant open up all the way. not when i need it more. its 8 am who will be awake around me anyway #me and all my loves are night birds. idk. im sad.

[loving-azerath]

Keegan Brain rot

lately this man has been in my head ALL THE FUCKING TIME. SO I am dumping my toxic Keegan brain rot here and I look I get it "why are you romanticizing toxic relationships?" But IM writing it and YOUR reading it so its very much a Girl what were YOU doing at Satan's brunch type thing okay? Okay.

This man is smooth as hell okay? He gets you with that deep fucking voice, and his fucking hot shit attitude. He is hot and he knows it. He walks like its heavy and it is. HE KNOWS IT. He got you so fucking downbad because for the first couple months you guys are literally so fucking in love in hurts. Both of you.

Yes TOXIC KEEGAN fucking loves you. He can't get enough. It's an obsession. Which is why when he sees that coworker talking to you he loses his mind a bit. Thought of anyone else having you? Quite literally breaks this man. You two fight, you break up. You are devastated. He's heart broken. How could he do that when all he was trying to do was keep you? Now though he can't get you out of his head.

He misses every fucking part of you and no matter who he fucks it never compares. So he ends up luring you back in with sweet words and toxic fuckin dick. He fucks you like he gets paid to do it. Hand on your throat in prone bone, fucking into you with almost body slams. Your fucking sounds fueled him because he missed them so fucking much.

He leaves hickies now, needing to mark you as his in hopes to keep other guys from getting too close. Which would have worked. If the guys that were approaching you were interested and not co workers or married friends. Didn't matter what you said to him. Though you aren't innocent in this either. Somewhere you learned that when he gets possessive, when he gets jealous...he fucks you so good that it replays in your head on repeat throughout the next month. When he starts the fights you fucking fight back. With words just as sharp.

It became a cycle before you knew it. Two years gone in it. Going two or three months happy and then one of you fucks it up. You only stay broken up for a month at a time. Its all he can bare. Longer if hes deployed but you bet as soon as he comes home from deployment hes at the bar he knows you like to go to. Tucking you away into a bathroom, caging you in against the sink of the single dirty stall. He knew what to say, and you wanted him so fucking bad. Even when you hated him a part of your body craved him. Craved him so fucking bad. You would pretend not to be interested, knowing it pisses him off. You were already soaked just from having him practically pinning you against the sink. Staring through your pretend uninterest. It would be a battle of who gave in and kissed first. He always lost. He would grab a fistfull of hair from the nape of your neck, pulling your head back enough to get a sweet little whimper from your lips before swallowing it with his own. Which would just give you more whimpers for him to swallow. His lips were always so hungry for you, to taste literally every part. Every inch of your neck and chest. Bruising hickies would litter any place he knew a man would look. When he was so hard he would hurt himself from his dick pressing hard against his zipper and seam of his jeans. He would finally unzip them, free his cock that twitched when freed. Twitched when he pressed it against you just to kiss you again, small grinds because he just needed the friction.

"Fuck..." He practically growl, "Do you have any fucking idea what you do to me doll?"

You would blink twice at him

"Piss you off?" You ask, to do what you may ask? Oh right piss him off because as I said you aren't innocent in this shit. It would work too. He would be fucking fuming. Hiking your dress up without removing his eyes from yours.

"Damn right you fuckin' piss me off." He grinds, his fingers finding your folds, this part always broke you. Every. Fucking. Time. Because his fingers were like magic. The warmth and friction bringing shuttering whimpers which as soon as he heard his cock pressed up against your stomach twitched again.

"You feel, so fuckin wet." He would whisper "I need you so fucking bad baby"

"Beg" You say, straightfaced. His eyebrow twitches in irritation. He should have seen this coming. Truthfully. It didn't matter if it was in a dirty bathroom. You would walk him like the dog he was. He sighs flexing a muscle in his jaw. Before slowly lowering to his knees. His eyes once again, never leaving yours.

"Please baby...I need you so bad" He says kissing your hips, messaging your thighs with your dress still in his hands, moving the fabric up and down your thighs with his movements.

"More"

"You" kiss "are" kiss "Everything" kiss "To me" His mouth hovering right over the one place he wanted to sink in the most. "Please, I don't have purpose when you hate me"

You scoff "Thought your purpose was to make me hate you?" You ask

"Only when we fight baby, I don't wanna right right now" He says smoothly planting another kiss around the one spot you both wanted his lips.

"Then make me forgive you" you say, a smirk crosses his lips before he devours you. Moaning vibrations into your core as soon as he tastes you.

"Fuck baby" He says against you, between laps that he doesn't break his eye contact for. "This is what I'm made for" He says, every lap, suck, flick, and moan is driving you crazy. Your whimpers during into panted mewls and whines.

"Kee..." you whine when you're close.

"I know baby, I know. It feels good. It always feels good. We feel good" He says, sucking on your clit while the high rises. "Let me taste how good I make you feel"

It was always so easy for him to make you cum this way. Your hands gripping the sink behind you as you struggle to keep your sounds under uncontrol. He always pulls away from your sweet core like it pains him to do so. Grabbing your hips and turning you a little too needily around to face yourself in the mirror.

"Fuck look at how good we look together like this baby. Keep watching, you'll see just how perfect we look together." He says, he looks down to guide himself into you and the familiar stretch breaks any resolve you had left.

The sounds your bodies make when they slap together echoed off the tile bathroom walls. Keegan had his hand over your mouth, letting your muffled moans feed his addiction and ego. You catch your reflection, your eyes and brows pulled into a fucked out pleasured expression. Your wetness was drinking down your own thighs and your legs were shaking.

His thrusts getting sloppier and his groans turning into whimpers that made you fucking melt every fucking time. He knew it.

"God you make a mess of me Angel. A fucking mess. All I am without you" he whimpers. "all i fuckin am"

he shoves himself so far inside you that the pressure is almost too painfil while you feel him pump his ropes inside of you. You were panting against his chest as he slowly removes his hand, then himself.

"Forgive me?" He asks as he zips himself up. You just silently nod, brain still fuzzy and feeling the mess he made inside of you leak out. It was filthy, but you loved it. He kisses your forehead. "Good girl, Let's go. I want round two but the ungodly things I'm going to do to you needs privacy"

and then the cycle fucking continues.

#i need it #pleasekillme #keegan smut #keegan p russ #cod keegan #keegan russ x reader #Poorly written smut #I need to be sedated #The way I need this man should be studied by a team of medical professionals

[embarassedwithapicketsign]

comfort hungry phoebe x reader

rpf!!!

pls dont be mean i dont claim to be a good writer i literally just need more boygenius content and took it into my own hands, im aware this isn’t good <3

this is also extremely self indulgent im chronically single and touch starved atm

phoebe was never one for emotions, perhaps stemming from her childhood years begging to be loved, or maybe her innate fear of vulnerability. she didn't like to dwell on the whys too much, her friends had accepted her odd ways and her ever revolving partners had managed, although not without with difficulty. her favourite pet name for her ex was 'dude', a funny running joke at first but then a sad testament to the lack of intimacy within their relationship, and when her first girlfriend admitted that she loved her all phoebe could force out was an awkward smile and a quick 'you too'. it wasn't that she didn't feel, in fact the girl felt so much that it hurt, it pained her to see how her inability to express her emotions affected her relationships but it just never felt right.

that was until she met her girlfriend. phoebe was enamoured with you from the moment you were introduced after one of her shows by some mutual friends. your smile was what first attracted her to you, but it was your ability to make her feel completely comfortable with herself that made her stay. now, almost a year into your relationship phoebe couldn't get enough. she still wasn't big on being affectionate in public, but today she found herself craving your touch, catching your eye from across the room filled with people she couldn't care less about. she smiled as you recognised her discomfort, always in tune with what she needed, and made your way to her. linking your two hands together phoebe squeezed tight letting the sweet smell of your perfume distract her from the blurring noise of the conversation happening around her.

when a brief lull arose in the discussion, phoebe couldn't help but drag you away to a secluded corner. she hated these things, glorified industry networking parties, but ‘the record’ came out in a few months and their manager insisted her and the boys went so naturally you had to come along too. 'fuck's sake', phoebe muttered, resting her forehead on your shoulder, feeling you move as you giggled.

'phoebs, it's not that bad, just an hour or so left and we can leave, i promise', you ran your hands through the blondes hair, feeling her sigh before she lifted her head and held your gaze with wide eyes. she usually managed to push through these things on autopilot but she'd been having a bad few days which quickly turned into a bad week, falling back into her cruel cycle of self hatred and nihilistic thoughts and all she wanted to do was be at home cuddled up with maxine and of course, you.

wrapping her arms around your waist you couldn't help but notice that she was tugging you closer, pulling you into her despite the curious eyes that usually would send her back to her anti-pda ways. you too ignored the stares and melted into her warm body, sensing her need for comfort. 'i love you so much baby', you whispered, rubbing your thumb softly along the strip of skin where her shirt had separated from her trousers, 'we can go right now if you want, i know you're not feeling good.'

biting her lip in thought you could practically see the cogs working in her brain and she sighed before answering, 'no, i promised jb and lucy i would be here', you were about to interrupt her to tell her what she already knew, that her bandmates wouldn't care if she left and never came back once she was safe and feeling okay, but phoebe gave you a pleading look, 'i know, but i want to be here for them, they were so excited for this.'

'okay, but say the word and we'll leave' you hesitantly replied, wanting nothing more than to wrap phoebe up in your bed with a steaming cup of tea and a promise to never let anything hurt her. she looked at you with grateful eyes, lifting her head from where it had fallen on your shoulder to press her lips against yours. 

as if sensing they were being spoken about lucy and julien bounded over and took in the stance of their two friends, 'the heart eyes over here are insane’, joked julien, before throwing her own heart eyes at lucy who was instead focused on the way phoebe kept herself firmly in your hold, despite both of you expecting her to move away like she usually did. 

phoebe lightly smiled murmuring a quiet retort to her best friend, slipping effortlessly into their usual back and forth relationship. joining the conversation you tried to ignore the woman clinging to you, not wanting to bring attention to the fact that she was still attached to you but that became impossible when her hand grabbed yours and placed it on her back, looking at you with puppy dog eyes. you knew what she was looking for, and holding back a smile you dragged your nails lightly up and down her back the way she loved. she craned her neck to stare up at you and your cheeks flushed at the intense love in her eyes. 'i love you sweetheart, thank you for being here’, phoebe said, the earnestness in her voice making your heart squeeze. smiling like an idiot you kissed her forehead, continuing to rub her back.

'this is sickening phoebs', julien interrupted, a grin on her face, as much as she loved making fun of the blonde she also loved seeing phoebe so comfortable in her relationship for the first time. 'shut up' phoebe muttered, finally pulling away from you to hide her blushing face. you laughed at the look on the boys' faces as they finally saw this side of phoebe, the one which you gladly experienced every day. phoebe was so full of love. she had so much of it to give and you were on the lucky receiving end of it. 'i hate you all of you guys' she said, finally emerging from behind her hands, her red cheeks apparent.

'no you dont', said lucy, shaking her head softly at their friend.

'no i dont'

#phoebe bridgers x reader #boygenius x reader #lucy dacus x reader #julien baker x reader #pls be nice #i am phoebe #phoebe is me #afraid of intimacy vibes #took everything in me to post this

[opheliashur]

its before 10am and i got maybe five hours of sleep so im porting my unhinged worm take here to keep it from being lost in the discord sauce [i dont actually think this is a sensible interpretation it just forced itself out of my brain one day]

The entities in Worm can function as a counterpoint to Posadist views on alien life. In Les Soucoupes Volantes, le processus de la matiere et de l'energie, la science et le socialisme, Posadas argues interstellar travel requires a society which, if not explicitly human-defined communist, surpassed self-centered capitalist systems. Posadas implores us to view their passivity in our plight not as apathy, but an enlightened belief in self-determination; With the people's assent, these strangers among us would surely be willing to help us crawl out of the muck of poverty and despair.

In Worm, the entities take this logic and turn it on its head. Zion's ancestor remembers their homeworld as peak survival-of-the-fittest excess, a hellish loop of boom and bust cycles which leaves less left to consume every time.

"The ancestor knows this, and it isn’t satisfied.  It knows its kin aren’t satisfied either.  They are quiet, because there is nothing to say.  They are trapped by their nature, by the need to subsist.  They are rendered feral, made to be sly and petty and cruel by circumstance.  They are made base, lowly."

Through a leftist lens, this becomes a mirror for the circumstances of modern society. People are forced to scrounge and suffer and harm each other for survival's sake, ligating their emotional capacity and cauterising their descendants' livelihoods. The ancestor responds in a capitalist fashion; Rather than call on cooperation and efficiency, it proposes to its fellows that the advancement of a species depends on the necessity of constant growth and constant conflict. The conclusion they reach is to, quite literally, eat each other alive; Not simply to live, but to find new frontiers, obliterating their homeworld in the process. I find this neatly matches up with how capitalism naturally leads itself to colonialism (not to imply imperialism is solely the domain of capitalism) as the rich and powerful grow ever hungrier for new toys to hoard, new people to enslave, leaving nothing in their wake.

If the entities simply went around acting like generic alien invaders (which is 99% of the time just white people persecution fantasies and you cant prove me wrong) afterward, this interpretation wouldn't exist. Posadas wasn't concerned about the possibility of alien invasion for the same reason nobody worries about car bombs, unless they're Margaret Thatcher or a sex symbol in a Wildbow sequel. It just isn't relevant.

However, the entities aren't just machines of consumption. Their modus operandi, at least with Eden and Zion, is far more subversive. They upend the status quo with powers, or innovations, often placed in a way to cause the most possible disruption and thus the most possible conflict, or profit, with an end goal seemingly to ensure they can eat and reproduce forever no matter the cost. The destruction they wreak seems to be almost tangential to their main goals, borne not of cruelty but of apathy.

This is in direct counter to Posadas' perception of extraterrestrial life as benevolent. Despite granting great power to the oppressed, they're not a clarion call of ascendance, but instead harbingers of the end. In essence, the entities represent a form of bad-faith leftism— They take advantage of existing injustice with cloying language (their avatars) and grand yet poisoned gestures (powers), with a move-fast-and-break-things mindset utilising their generational wealth (also powers) from eons of exploitation to avoid consequence.

Unfortunately, this interpretation doesn't end with Posadas.

I found myself realising as I wrote this that the entities aren't just representative of bad-faith actors in leftism. In another sense, they are the revolution as perceived in many online circles. A nebulous rapture-like event, upending the status quo by giving power to the marginalised and downtrodden, creating people who are not only possessed of the agency to change things, but a resolve to do so as well. Agency is suddenly given to those who'd otherwise be trapped in their own cycles, subject to hunger and rent and all the little things that the complacent at the top have long since forgotten happens to other people.

And it only results in more suffering. (at this point im talking more conceptually than what happens in worm but bear with me im almost done lmfao)

Parahumans finally have the ability to speak the right things and be heard, to hurt the right people, and it doesn't help solve anything. It's all just senseless violence directed outward.

The ending, then, takes a different note from Posadas, and from the paradigm of finding the right people to kill or the right things to say. Taylor kills Zion not through sheer power, but through communication and cooperation— By forcing him to look inward, at the one void that no amount of conflict and data and profit could fill ever again. There was no magic bullet, no force from outside to save the day. Only the emotions that everyone carries within them.

A revolution from the inside. (okay that was abrupt but my brain is fried now lmao hope you enjoyed it bye)

#worm #wormblr #this was originally a shitpost but it got away from me while i was writing it and started making a disturbing amount of sense #mostly the revolution as rapture part #not the alien part #parahumans

[krashoutluv]

What are your thoughts on Jason from Three Jokers?

particularly for me, his emotional dependence is so big just because he confused things with the Barbara

3 JOKERS SPOILERS !

tldr; i ramble a little abt how i hate modern Jason fucking Todd and highlight how much justice this comic did for him

and how modern writers are just trying to turn him into a batfam insert of deadpool

Yes! I dont think Jason had 100% feelings for Babs, like he said, he thought it could work. It definitely came from a moment of weakness/vulnerability, its often that Jason doesn’t get cared for too often, not in the way he needs. So when Babs let out a hand for him, it hit him HARD. Especially with just being traumatized by the last two jokers, I think its pretty obvious he doesn’t need someone to clean up/watch after him but like need someone to generally emotionally guide him.

my personal pet peeve with most modern Jason Todd canon ships is the laziness of it(b4 i get criticized i think ANY ship with ANY CHARACTERS can be good as long as the writings GOOD and makes SENSE) . GOD NO- i dont ship jason and babs, but they still put an odd amount of effort into it, to at the very least actually flesh out their characters.

Jason doesn’t need a character that fixes his mistakes when he’s overly impulsive, or babies him, or fixes his mistakes with a veil of ‘Your so dumb but i secretly care about you!‘ because then it leads to most of lazy writing where he does something stupid but his gf is here to fix it! so its ok! NO!! HES NOT LEARNING ANYTHING!! YOURE MAKING HIM LOOK STUPID AND MENTALLY BRAIN DEAD!! anyways sorry.

Jason needs someone to break him out of his cycle of impulsiveness and self-destruction, not have him indulge in it.Jason needs to go fucking soul-searching or something im so tired of his ass— REALISTICALLY I COULDN’T DATE COMIC!JASON IF HE DIDNT CHANGE,, HE WOULD FRUSTRATE ME RLLY BAD.

ahem. anyways. I think Jasons note shows a lot about his character and something that the modern writers ignore a lot. Jason CAN change, he just needs a reason, a solid reason to. He doesn’t have to put down his code, or the guns, he just needs someone solid to really make him think about himself. “All I need is one chance to you I can be better. And I will devote my life to making you proud. Happy. Loved.” WHERE IS THIS SWEETHEART RN?? I SWEAR EVERY OTHER WRITER IS MAKING HIM A EMO FUCK-BOY WHOS BRAIN MATTER GOT SUCKED OUT THROUGH HIS COCK?? ahem sorry.

I really love how much DC actually puts details into Jason in this comic. Ex. Jasons helmets abilities being highlighted, “Helmets registering multiple security doors opening across the facility.” OR him saying the chronic pain management book was helpful. SORRY— I REALLY ENJOY DETAILS LIKE THIS. It just makes Jasons technical skill and such more obvious then whats normally stated. Also Jason tracking sea water off a wrench to the Aquarium— where is this skill in more modern comics?? I swear they make Jason a braindead wannabe deadpool sometimes i swear to fucking god. Also him shooting the shark tank so it eats Gaggy— I DIE FOR DETAILS LIKE THIS.

They don’t even get rid of his humor in 3 jokers either, he still has a really well displayed personality and his banter with Batman is really bearable for once, it makes sense and its well written. I slightly dislike how hard Babs is being on Jason but i’m not 100% sure what Babs is like. I haven’t read comics centered around her, so I don’t mind it. Also dont mistake this for me disliking babs for rejecting Jay— thats not what i mean at all. Just her constantly saying how he’s a criminal and focusing on getting him in prison like he’s an opp was confusing 2 me..

anyways stop trying to turn red hood into the batfams deadpool challenge!!

inbox is open 2 yap or requests sum!!

#jason todd #jason peter todd #skullkidwithsunglasses #i ramble about comic jason hehehe #red hood

[mournmourn]

I was asked by @vinthund for a breakdown of the killing moon/organ chrords playlist, here's my meta ramblings down below ✨

I chose the songs by how they resonated with käsh for me with either themes, lyrics or the genre. I also had a rough feeling of a timeline/story when I was choosing the songs. I wanted the songs to reflect a progression of where we leave them at icip. That magical moment in the forest? Yeah, they transferred their respective homicidal instincts to each other.

I tried to convey this while writing the bio for the playlist, but this isnt a story with a happy ending. Im very much a truther of icip!käsh being a hannigram story re-visioned, and if youve seen the whole show, it is very much a tragedy.

I have drafted a more soft and happy käsh playlist bc I too want some fluff after being focused on this list for a good while. So, that's coming later ☺️

Have fun and sry for being morbid on main lol

SLAUGHTER HOUSE

Aftermath of icip: riding into the sunset moonlight in the truck, while the storm gathers. An omen for some, surely.

Deliverance

The breakdown of the song at the last minute reminds me of icip. Lyrics wise it is about Kä's side of introspection.

Tommy agrees.

Graveyard

Scoping out prey. Just for a goof, I swear.

Eat Me Alive

Chase and a first kill. Themes of masochism & cannibalism. Kä's feelings. He likes the aura of game and pursuit in Tommy. He loves to see the chase happening real time.

Haunted

Tommy's showing the side he hasnt yet shown to Kä. It is very much appreciated

Laura les is in 100 gecs, 100 gecs made a song with Tommy as feature. The cycles, man.

gOth bb

First interval.

Kä's aftermath of dealing with the first kill. It feels exhilirating but he has moments of clarity in intervals, realising the terrifying reality of their actions. But the power feels amazing. Tommy notices this inner turmoil.

Feral Love

Peak of attraction in their dynamic. Dumping of the body into the lake. Tommy feels sentimental and vulnerable.

I Want You

Tommy's feelings towards Kä. It's as much about love as it is about wanting to consume, own, treasure, and hide from the world.

I'm Not Done

Tommy had been almost found out once. He loves to tell that story.

Tear You Apart

Mutual feeling of their relationship. If I knew how to edit videos, I'd do an icip edit with this. Tiktok edit core, but I've had this song on my liked list since 2015.

Biting down

Second interval.

In order to consume and to love is to bare your teeth and chew. Seeing your partner as a meal can mean a lot of things.

Stockholm Syndrome

I don't see their relationship as a stockholm syndrome, this is mutually being freaks and as bad as each other. The lyrics and atmosphere however are perfect.

Kä's feelings of being whisked away to their rampage. He revels in the pretentious feeling of being taken apart, and their mutual violent nature.

Keep the Streets Empty for Me

They have a dynamic. One distracts, one takes chase. Tommy is an entity on prowl.

Kerosene

Tommy will take care of him, rinse the crimson from his hands and embrace him in the smell of kerosene and disinfectant. The hold feels like a bed of web. He's lulled into a rest without sleep.

Acid Rain

Third interval.

Chase. Rain. A forest, again. Too little oxygen to the brain. Too much strain on calves. Sense of wrongness, failure, fear.

If I Had a Heart

Obsession isnt enough to aspire love. Love isnt enough to aspire devotion. Certain hunger cannot be sated by mere attraction.

The Killing Moon

He senses the turn in the tension. He'd willingly become the sacrificial lamb if it was required to see him smile again.

13 Angels Standing Guard Round

It's quiet again.

How Will You Meet Your End?

#käsh #shut up nina #ty everyone leaving lovely comments on the playlist! im seeing them all going 🥹

[avpdpossum]

you have avpd and npd at the same time? if im nosy feel free not to answer, how does that manifest for you? i have avpd and im doubting whether i also have narcissistic or histrionic traits but they seem to be such contradictory pds i think im might be overanalyzing myself

i thought the same thing at first but, at least in my experience, they're honestly not as contradictory as they seem.

a lot of people think they're essentially opposites because they think that npd means having a super high self-esteem while avpd means having a super low self-esteem, but that's an inaccurate (or at least incomplete) picture of npd. in reality, npd is really more about having a super fragile or volatile self-esteem than a consistently high self-esteem, and that definitely can coexist with the characteristic low self-esteem of avpd.

for me, my avpd symptoms tend to be far more outward-facing than my npd symptoms. my internal monologue probably sounds a lot like other pwnpd, but i don't show it as much as some people do because avpd means my go-to coping mechanism for any internal state is avoidance. here's what that might look like:

i, like many pwnpd, can't stand not being the best at something. it totally wrecks my self-esteem. but instead of that manifesting as me being really competitive, i just quit at things really fucking easily, and i'll usually avoid competitive situations at all costs unless i'm with people i'm super comfortable around or i know there will be people who do worse than me. i've been known to stop doing an activity for literal years if i have one single experience of not being as good at it as i expected and even having panic attacks when forced to do it; i rarely do competitive things like board games with people aside from being able to play certain kinds of games with a handful of people that i'm a bit more comfortable being bad at shit with; when i learn new skills, i have to either teach them to myself totally alone or learn alongside other people who are also probably going to be really bad at it, because if there's even a chance i'll be the worst one in the room, i physically cannot make myself do it. i have that classic npd feeling of "i must be the best at everything and i will convince myself that i'm the best at everything and if anything proves that wrong i will go crawl into a hole and die", but the outward expression of it looks very classically avoidant because having avpd means that's always what my brain defaults to when dealing with current or potential distress.

one aspect of npd is incorrectly estimating the effect you have on other people. most people tend to assume this means either overestimating how much of a positive impact you have on people or underestimating how much of a negative impact you have on people, but for me, it often actually shows up as overestimating the negative impact i have on other people. as in, if i say one thing wrong and it seems like it made the other person uncomfortable at all, i'll immediately assume it was the worst thing i possibly could've said and that they'll never get over the trauma i've just caused them by opening my mouth. while a pwnpd doesn't have to have avpd to experience that symptom in this way, i believe i'm probably more likely to than most because having avpd means i'm already predisposed to vastly overestimating the impact of anything negative in an interaction.

the effect that npd has on my ability to feel empathy and generally form social connections is basically just one big vicious cycle that feeds into and is fed into by my avoidance. my sibling once described me (before i knew i had npd) as "bad at caring about other people". i very rarely feel empathy for other people, and i find it really hard to be emotionally invested in other people's lives, even people i enjoy having around and genuinely care about in my own way. the relationships i do have (which aren't many) are selfish in one way or another because my brain doesn't really know how to emotionally connect with people if there isn't something in it for me. all of that tends to create distance between me and other people, since it makes me very bad at forming the kinds of relationships that most people expect, which usually involve some level of empathy and emotional investment as a given. it also makes me distance myself from other people intentionally on top of that, because i know that's something a lot of people see as bad and that a lot of people wouldn't want to be friends with me because of it. it takes the perpetual avoidant anxiety of "if i let someone get close it'll only be a matter of time before they realize i'm a horrible person and leave" and turns it up to 100. so my npd actually ends up making me more avoidant, rather than contradicting the avoidance.

because there are some ways that avpd and npd contradict themselves, and particularly because i tend to stick with avoidance as my coping mechanism of choice, my brain is basically in a constant state of frustration. i want to pick fights and prove that i'm right, but the attention it gets me is torture so i either just sit there and quietly implode or say something, inevitably get negative attention for it, and retreat into my little avoidance hole in a panic to quietly implode (but worse). i want to stand up for myself when i feel like i'm not being treated the way i deserve and make other people treat me right, but the idea of them even knowing i exist (or, god forbid, disliking me because of how i want to be treated) is so unbearable that instead i just go through the world constantly feeling like i'm being mistreated and can't do anything about it. i want to follow all these grandiose fantasies i craft for myself about my future and be the best at everything ever, but i know deep down that there's a chance i won't be that good and not being that good feels like total failure, so instead i end up letting opportunities fall away as i avoid pursuing them and having to just sit there knowing i could be capable of way more, thinking about all of the delicious attention and praise i'll never get for it. i want to act on all of these npd thoughts and feelings, but because they're incompatible with avoidance and that's literally all i know how to do, i just torture myself internally instead.

those are just a few examples, there are definitely more ways they overlap, interact, and butt heads in my daily life, but those are the ones that come to mind as i'm writing this.

basically, i don't seem like someone with npd because my avoidance likes to take over most of the time when it comes to my outward behaviors, but internally i'm just one big chaotic mess of avoidant and narcissistic traits amplifying, combining with, or crashing into each other.

i can't speak as much to hpd because i don't have it, but i assume it's similarly not as contradictory as one might think. a disorder that's (at least in more simplistic conceptualizations of it, i don't know all about it) based around an unbearable need for attention may seem incompatible with avpd, the disorder that's makes you terrified of being known by anyone ever. but avpd also tends to involve really wanting relationships with others to a painful extent, even if you can't make yourself pursue them, and i imagine that has the potential for overlap with hpd.

good luck figuring it all out!

#poss.answers #comorbidities #discussion #personal #avpd #npd #actually avpd #actually npd #actually avoidant #actually narcissistic #avoidant pd #narcissistic pd #avoidant personality disorder #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster c #cluster b

[violentviolette]

i think i have aspd or traits . but i dont wanna go to a psych and be like " btw here are my symptoms ive never told u about before , have fun ! ( insert the entire ASPD criteria here ) . sorry " because that makes me look bad & i appear the opposite ( passive , fearful , not aggressive ) , & dont want to appear as a threat and i most definitely dont want them to think im manipulating them when im not ( like for example when im just telling them my symptoms regarding other conditions ) . and i dont want to admit to committing crimes incase they report me or i have to go through a security clearance for job reasons and they go thru my stuff . anyways as far as anyones concerned i seem nice but weird but not the type of person to have those kinds of symptoms , and i want it to keep my Good Girl(tm) image . but also . i dont want to start having legal issues , become dependent on substances , pursue any illegal occupation , etc since it would suck to get caught and im only 21 so i keep trying my best to avoid it everytime i almost continue with it , but i need help bad lol . any idea of what i should or can do ? anything helps

okay real talk but literally do exactly the opposite of everything ur doing and also get out of ur own head and stop overanalyzing every thought u have to find justifications for not doing the very simple basic first step towards what u know is the right thing to do but just dont want to because being vulnerable feels yucky and ur scared

i say this with genuine compassion and no judgement because i *absolutely* did and still sometimes do the same thing but unfortunately the only way to get urself out of that cycle is to get over urself and touch grass (encouragingly) so that u just Do The Thing u know u need to do

being open and honest with a therapist about ur thoughts and feelings is the only way to get any actual positive growth or help out of it. u cant fix what u dont talk about and keeping it all to urself will only drive u more and more insane. staying cooped up inside ur own mind without telling other ppl what ur thinking out loud creates a feedback loop of crazy. u gotta hear urself talk to another person sometimes to actually really *hear* urself, u know? ur brain is where the crazy is and u cant stay there alone and expect it to work out and get better. u have to talk it out and be confronted and challenged with other viewpoints to realize where urs are disordered if u look for reasons not to do something u will absolutely find them, and while i could offer rebuttels to a lot of ur concerns, things like how ur medical records and psych details are not that detailed. u doing illegal behavior like stealing or doing drugs is not something that gets listed on those and falls under patient confidentiality. the only thing that gets documented is the official diagnoses name which most therapists are going to be very reluctant to hardline diagnose someone with aspd (and even then it only gets logged with that practice and submitted to ur insurance only if ur seeking care like meds or hospital stays or get incarcerated. otherwise, if u dont tell someone "i saw dr.x at yclinic from 2019-2022, then they have no way of knowing or finding out what that dr wrote on their internal records/notes. there is no centralized database of "medical history" outside of ur insurance company and specific practices internal networks) individual symptoms like "illegal activity" do not get listed and unless ur planning on enrolling in the military or working for the feds no job is looking more deeply than that into ur history unless u personally volunteer it. what comes up when specific companies do background checks with a medical history is ur insurance records. ur insurance only knows what gets submitted to them specifically, if ur therapist doesnt file paperwork with ur insurance to list aspd as a diagnosis they are looking for ur insurance to pay them to treat u for specifically (instead of more generalized things like "depression" "anxiety" or just "mental health care" ect, which they have to get ur permission to do) then there's no paper trail of what u two talk about in that office or how ur "good girl" image is legitimately worthless garbage and will grant u absolutely nothing in life and clinging to it in the false hope that other ppls perceptions of u will change who u actually are and make u happy is only gonna lead u to looking at ur shitty unhappy life in 5 years and being filled with nothing but regret and anger and wanting to kill urself or that while u cant know or control how ur therapist sees u or reacts to the things u share with them, u can control who they are. if u fuck up with this therapist or it takes a turn u dont like or they start treating u badly, u can very much just get another one. u can request a different person at the same clinic for any reaosn or u could switch clinics entirely. most insurance in the us is taken by more than 1 provider in an area and there are almost always multiple practices that take the local insurance. and even then, if u wanna drive 45mins to see a therapist a town over cause u burned a bridge with this one u can do that. ur not beholden to a single person, u can get dozens and dozens of opinions. ive had over 15 different therapists in my life. if u fuck up with one u can always get another

but all those rebuttals dont really matter because if u want to, i have no doubt u could find counter points to all those points. i know i could if i tried. so really it just comes down to the simple question of are u going to keep standing in ur own way or are u going to cut the bullshit and take it seriously and do the hard thing because u know its what u need to do? ur young still, uve got so much time, dont waste more of it waiting for the perfect solution or situation because it will never exist. do it now, do it messy, do it scared, fuck it up and get it wrong a bunch, and then try again and again until it works

#jack.speaks #aspd #aspd tag #actually aspd #i know that was a lot and sounds harsh but this is honestly how i talk to myself #and its been the most effective way for me to cut thru my own shit #so pls know im not trying to judge u or be mean or hurt ur feelings or put u down in any way #this is all shit ive told myself before because sometimes u just have to be blunt and say the quiet part out loud to get thru to urself #so i hope that helps u to and i hope u start doing the real work to get better #because u deserve to get better and to have a good life that u enjoy living

[babyfairy]

here’s a much needed life updates post! even though generally speaking not a whole lot has happened lol

life has been pretty difficult since i lost my grandpa truthfully. it’s been a lot of struggling since then. lately in particular (as in the last few months) i’ve been struggling mentally more than ever. i think im going through one of those really painful transitional/growth periods (which figures, it’s about time for my saturn return) but i also think i am neurodivergent in some way? as in im like 99.99999% sure i am neurodivergent. i can’t think of any other explanation for the way my brain works and for the way i am struggling.

it’s weird because i have a lot of guilt about exploring the idea of possibly being neurodivergent. i’ve been talking with my doctor about it and every time we’re done talking i feel like im a liar or that im manipulating her or others into believing i could be neurodivergent in order to have an excuse for just not being a good person, friend, daughter, sister etc. i’ve been talking with her about OCD specifically. there are a lot of things im learning about OCD that i relate to and that have been completely taking over my life since the death of my grandfather. but i also relate to a lot of the traits of autism, so truthfully i don’t really know what’s going on and not knowing has been isolating and sort of difficult and scary. i have this intense need to know what’s “wrong” with me or why i act/think/feel the way i do. i think that in and of itself is a symptom but i’ve always been that way. i think i have trouble relinquishing control. and lately i just feel very out of control. my work, friendships, family life, self esteem, and everything all just feel extremely unstable lmao and i know the primary reason is me. because i’m always bracing for the next terrible thing to happen and i’m always worried about ruining everything or hurting someone or i don’t even know what. i worry every moment that i am awake.

i’ve been adjusting my meds under the advice of my doctor and a psychiatrist and im trying to get back into therapy but god is it intimidating lol! i don’t know why! i think the thought of starting all over with a new therapist just scares me a lot. i know i have to do it though because i can’t manage this on my own anymore at all. and i have no idea how to make it any better or manage my stress. so physically and mentally im doing really poorly. i think maybe worse than ever. but i’m alive lol and i’m trying to get back to a point where i feel ok and not so paranoid and distressed all the time. im just trapped in this horrible cycle. it’s really frustrating. and i just want to understand why but i don’t for now and i have to be ok with that.

it isn’t all bad though lol and i do have things to look forward to. im trying my best to build and deepen new relationships so i feel less isolated. being agoraphobic in your early 20s really does a number on your social life!!! i managed to get beyoncé tickets and im planning on flying to visit some of my closest friends later this year. so i have things to look forward to and that helps keep me going on the days where i just want to give up. it’s hard 😅 but hopefully it won’t be this hard for too much longer and i’ll be able to look back on this time period and feel proud of myself for pushing past it. because right now truthfully i just feel ashamed and sad most of the time. i think shame and guilt are like my primary emotions lol. and just general tiredness. but i’m trying my best to claw my way out of it

#p

[flourbray]

*pulls up chair into yr askbox and takes a drag of cigarette* im here to talk wva/remco. okay firstly literally i think abt the back to back pics like twice a week that whole photoshoot was my first wva/remco (wvemco...??) epiphany. but anyway being someone whose grasp on how contracts in this sport (also just the sport in generally) work is tenuous at best allows my brain to come up with random potentially highly implausible concepts such as: "wva ends up on quickstep". why? who knows! (wants a bigger/different role? something something merger fuckery? i dunno).

anyway but even if it makes no sense the narrative compels me. mainly the wout-pov experience of going from having jonas as the teams crown jewel to remco. there are so many core differences bw jonas and remco that setting wout against that change fascinates me. is remco as clear and concise a communicator as jonas is reported to be? maybe not. there might be more tension bw them wrt TTs and one day races (tho remco isnt going to like,, flanders afaik). i also feel like there have been moments where the media has perceived there to be tension bw wout and jonas where maybe, yes they didnt fully support each other as well as they couldve and they were selfish (bc they both have their own individual goals that they want to go for at the tour for example), but the two of them have such a clear understanding of one another and nothing but absolute support for each other that its obvious that theres no actual bad blood at all. i wonder how different things would be bw remco and wout! especially because remco is young and brash and comes across as moodier (?) than jonas and id be curious to see wout handle him.

id also be curious to see wout Handle him if you know what i mean 🤐😵‍💫👀 i feel like remco is kind of a brat and really wants a reaction and wout might not know how to deal with him. largely in my mind im just like "hmmmm they should fuck" like but i DO think its compelling beyond just that skhvkdjhkdjh

anywayyyy thats a lil word vomit for your askbox sometimes i just go into getty images and search "wout van aert remco evenepoel" just to take psychic damage from their size difference

hi hello hi! i second all of this; belgian national cycling really did some things with that back-to-back photoshoot. the olympics is going to be fun (assuming they're both getting picked)

#an assortment of remco looking especially small #he's first left in the fourth photo; wout is second from right #sorry it took so long to answer this but THANKYOU

[notknickers]

aww thank you. I'm still learning to draw scars. I defo need to make time for more studies. (we both gotta buckle down)

oh man. fanart, if done well and a lot can get me to do almost anything. seeing fanart of Ghost back in November 2022 is what got me into this fandom in the first place.

I'm a bit picky with headcanons but yh. im fully aware a lot of them are just watered down to be vessals for our kinks and affection. At the end of the day. they'er our silly made up blurbos U///U but yh theirs defo gaps in these guys's personalities that we can fill in (which is what we're doing now lol from the short bios we're given)

fanart (nsfw) and audio of these blurbos together. I'm waiting on my lounge chair right now to be presented to me.

hey man. Rivals to lovers makes sense. I'm stumped with who would make the first move though. becasue like you said, both of them aren't the most affectionate of people and don't trust too quickly; at least on the battlefield. like they could respect each other on the battlefield and stuff. but to get them vunerable to love hmmmmm. might need to bend like a pretzal for either of them to act on their feelings even in the most subtle ways… unless we have one of them a lil more unhinged in this department. claps hands* What if Konig is the more unhinged one and Ghost just doesn't know how to handle his feelings or Konig, like, does anyone really wanna make the over 6 foot tall batterying ram upset. Anything can happen in delulu land

my fanart is literally made up shit if you were dating Ghost ooc XD

love that the whole fandom are in on the joke of eldritch/ocotpuss/cathulu Konig since the chibi drawings of him look like a cute octopuss and the bio updating and saying His hood hides something more hideous. I'll check out your fic….(hehe heat cycles)

btw. sorry for the late reply. fell asleep after work (¯﹃¯) also I'm bad with writing hehe

hey, don't worry. life outside the machine takes precedence! plus, sleep is gooood, rest to your brain while increasing your chances of dreaming of your blorbos! it's a win-win, but thanks for replying.

now i must absolutely write that eldritch!könig/civilian!ghost fic! i have so many ideas that i left xeno!könig and his tentacles aside for a while, but after i've dealt with the five different colonel!könig/recruit!dommy mummy!reader and colonel!könig/tmale!base medic, perhaps i'll have some time to figure it out!

oh! don't even say it! today i was all excited about a fanart idea i had while at work, then i was confronted with the reality of actually drawing it... what an ice cold shower!!!

i'll get back to it as soon as i get over the trauma! but good luck with your studies, you're already ahead!

pretty pixel vessels!!! i am also very nitpicky. in fact, i've noticed, the more concrete an idea i develop of könig, the less open i am to changing interpretation (even though i still like reading others'!)

the only thing i am glad about entering the fandom when i did is that i initially conceinved this blog as a magnus archives fanblog. if it started as a könig simp blog, i would probably have called myself something like... königsheftyballs or something and i'm so grateful that didn't happen. im' much happier as a jaredhopworthsknickers!

and yes, smutty ghost fanart was my gateway drug.

(i don't know if i remembered linking you the fic in question that sold me over the ghostsoap ship, but it was this one.)

for the audio, it's easy. here's the link and happy listening! (very nsfw, very explicit). it's one hundred percent out of my headcanons: no, könig the forty-plus-year-old colonel is not simon 'ghost' riley who got his mask at a hot topic or halloween costume shop's little bitch.

time to pull ranks on that one!

(still, enjoyable listening and great voice acting, though!)

true, but them being affiliated with opposing factions opens up interesting scenarios: could either be captured by the other? could that mean the the captured is assigned to the capturer for intel extraction or other expedient? could it be that each finds out that the other is way less sadistic and more compassionate and simply human and matter-of-fact than they initially thought, which changes the mutual way they see each other, while still being wary, because of their curcumstantial enmity?

commonalities? they are both masked, they both have something to hide, something that hurts to this day, the need to create someone who can endure interfacing themselves with the world and its demands while their tender cores still reel and recover, but that they can put aside, when they're alone, to catch breath and regain their whole selves or, the opposite, feel incapable to abandon even when no one is around, as they have become too fragmented.

just throwing ideas around, but there is so much to dig up.

their similarities might draw them to one another: could they have finally found someone who gets it? could they afford to be a little vulnerable, to show a little bit of their soft bellies and hope not to be stabbed from side to side?

but, being enemies who work for different factions with different goals surely would stand in the way: if trusting and opening up is harrowing and dreadful, doing so with an enemy operator can be outright fatal... so much at stake, but what if this were the only chance they have at genuine human connection? a friendship? comfort in wach other's bodies? darethey hope for more? are they delusional? is the imprisonment getting to them?

re: your ooc fanart: and that's brilliant all the same! my latest fanart was nothing but an excuse to put könig in a skimpy little outfit and parade him around! if you like ooc ghost dating your insert, do more of it!!!!!!

i always laugh when someone comes along, thinking themselves smart by pointing out that "well, akshually ghost and könig would never date in canon", because you're in the wrong place, luv. go play the game, write/draw your canon-compliant stuff or only interact with fic and fanartists who are as attached to canon as you, but stop yucking in everyone's yum. it's called fandom, not candom.

i will go on a perilous mission to find all the ghost/könig artists i can and report back, sir! yes, sir!

(by which i mean, i will write you in the inbox or leave the links in the dms, so you'll find them when you have time. no hurry!)

n_n

#jazmeanb #asks #cod #call of duty #könig #konig #könig cod #konig cod #könig mw2 #konig mw2 #könig mwii #konig mwii #könig headcanons #konig headcanons #simon 'ghost' riley #ghost headcanons #ghost/könig

[sparring-spirals]

Road trip with the Bells Hell's! Who's driving, who's in front, who has control of the music, who insists they stop every 10 minutes for photos? Etc. Etc.

My genuine apologies for this answer also being a million years late. Here's hoping you see this answer somehow.

anyway, im honestly pretty bad at these kinds of modern-au fanfic style hypotheticals. (my brain is kind of bad at putting the characters into alternative universes?), so im not really going to claim accuracy to characters here. but some rough, purely-for-fun thoughts, assuming a modern AU with like. A car. multiple cars. I started just vibing with it by the end, so its a bit long. enjoy?

- Orym drives at least a part of it, of course! That said, he actually doesn't drive the bulk of it- he spends a nice amount of time sticking his face out the window and enjoying the ride. Napping while leaning against Fearne. Makes sure people are hydrated and stretch their legs, but ideally chills out too. ideally. (its so hard for me to imagine orym in a modern setting, much less an orym without his hypervigilant survivors guilt and protective instincts going haywire. orym on a roadtrip mostly makes me want him to be relaxing a little, Orym PLEASE).

- Ashton actually drives a solid chunk, and is also one of the primary people to ensure there are sufficient stops for people to get out and stretch their legs, uses the bathroom, gets food, and also has some absolutely wild fixes for carsickness that??? work????? he'd be instigating rowdy car games the rest of the time, maybe napping.

- F.C.G found a manual on roadtrips and is SO excited about it. He's figured out optimal times for breaks based on human needs and also Every Single Significant Landmark from here to there. His desire for Exact Breaks and constant enquiring is tempered by Ashton's pretty-solid instincts for these things, but they DO end up stopping for all the landmarks and photo ops. Its for all of them, obviously (its for F.C.G).

- This is okay because Laudna is ALSO extremely excited about these landmarks and photo ops. Look at those WILD ROCK FORMATIONS!!!!!! Look at this ghost town! Wow!!!!!!! :O :D Laudna is excited to drive, but I'm not sure she does so for very long. she also does puppet shows to help pass the time during travel.

- Fearne is also benefitted by the frequent stops. and the puppet shows. its not that she gets antsy but... she gets a little antsy. everyone is in the car with her. you know. she has a good time though! she also offers to drive. the offer is not accepted.

- Look, lets be real, Imogen might have a pretty rough time stuck in SUPER close prox (car if we're putting them in modern times) with everyone, as much as she might love them. Im almost certain that due to the universe's love for tormenting her she would be more prone to carsickness. sorry imogen. that said, everyone's collective efforts probably even it out somewhat. she ends up in shotgun out of kindness, and probaboy has a lovely time at the stops and seeing the wilderness and whatnot. maybe less fond of tourist traps.

- Chetney calls shotgun based on seniority, but throughout the trip ends up ceding it to the others who might benefit from it- Imogen if she needs the space, Ashton if the squished backseats and touching are doing a number on him, Fearne for her height. He also drives for a portion, citing that he doesn't want the whippersnappers to drive them to their deaths (and giving everyone a break as needed). He WILL complain about everyone else's music taste but lets them change it around.

- I have no idea about the aux honestly. Driver gets dibs but usually ends up ceding it to someone. They cycle through everyone's music. It is usually drowned out by rowdy behaviour and excitement unless everyone is napping. Then Imogen or Orym's music gets put on because Ashton and Chetney's would be too aggressive for that and Laudna and Fearne's scares people slightly. F.C.G's playlist is just top 20 pop hits and whatever Dancer would have listened to. Disaster lesbian stuff probably.

- Roadtrip games include:

-- various forms of fuck marry kill verging from hilarious (gus is IN A RELATIONSHIP), to concerning/trauma based (should we be suggesting delilah here????), to deeply philosophical (can you fuck ruidus as a concept?).

-- i spy but with multiple arbitrary rules tacked on

-- ghost stories (no one said it was ONLY a campfire tradition)

-- a few rounds of what the fuck is up with that

-- therapy session probably

-- "can you light this on fire?" a game suggested by Fearne and immediately vetoed by everyone, the cowards

-- rowdy and excitable singing

- This is a modern au so i guess they won't be attacked by monsters but they need to have at least 1 flat or something during the trip. it all works out though.

-- chetney has one of those travel sets of chess with meticulously carved pieces. half of the party doesn't know how to play chess. its very fun.

-- puppet shows. IMPROVISED puppet shows. its a disastsr.

- oh my god the stories that pop up from the rest stops they visit though

#i did a very long drive to somewhere recently so i might be pulling from that rather than a proper roadtrip but i hope i got the vibes down #i think the bells hells would be kind of stressful to travel with but also like. surprisingly good about accomodating people so it evns out #and the number of people who would be mindful of travel logistics and everyones comfort is. surprisingly high! #critical role #bell's hells #spar speaks #ask away! #this is essentially fic i guess? in the most generous sense. not really meta #my fic #fanfic #shitpost

[desudog]

honestly i dont know if im essentially entirely fused at this point or what like the past year ive felt very singlet. i havet really had a full switch ive been a lot more of like, a guy with variance but a lot less of a guy whos multiple guys. more in depth sys talk and stuff below the cut.

We were disordered for sure, at least felt it that way and "professionals" did as well, but it doesnt mean anything and doesnt matter, what im getting at is that i never meant to be plural.

we switched and had the most activity, connection, amnesia and division in high school. like switching multiple times a day, splitting weekly type thing. when we dropped we started to slow down and solidify into more specific alters, who were more rounded out and would switch less. only switching once a week became every few weeks became every month became every few months and now.. i havent switched all year really.

i have a theory, and i do think im gonna end up or already am functionally singular.

first, i think my system existed for stress and trauma reasons mostly, and when i was removed from most of that, i was able to actually be a self at all, so a lot of the "need" for plurality that i had was no longer necessary.

but, we were still very much multiple. we were just able to exist outside pain and thus fused a lot of undeveloped personalities into a bigger more consistent one (who could front longer due to like, existing a lot less loosely.)

however i think i know whats making me singular

i wasnt a person.

i had no idea what "me" was because i didnt understand or approve of myself. i had lots of introjects that aligned more to my identities because "i" "couldnt" be them, which is why they were introjects instead of brain spawned. i couldnt relate to any 'myself' so my brain was constantly cycling through who i could be to make the pain go away.

now that i have come to terms with a lot of myself and i have a much better idea of what is 'myself' i notice the more and more i know me, the less im multiple "me"s.

i dont feel like i dont have multiple personalities anymore (which is the language i choose to use for myself) but i do feel like i am closer and closer yet to essentially being singular. im essentially singular now.

i dont know what i plan to do in the future concerning multiplicity, i never really understood people who would chase it themself or force alters or anything but i kinda get it now. i do like being singular more, but i understand it.

in general, im more in a strange place of a sliding identity where im not really multiple separate me's anymore, which is why im more and more inclined to use 'personality' language. im not really seperate guys anymore as much as i am versions of the same guy, and even then ive felt those walls become much more blurred lately.

its been strange going from being very very strictly different alters into being a single person. i dont think ill ever switch again, so i have to say thank you for everyone whos been on this journey with once us, now me.

im going to let my plurality do what it wants. if that means break down and become nothing but room for my self to feel inconsistent sometimes, so be it. if that means come back full force for whatever reason, so be it. im not going to attempt to influence anything for now.

but its something ive noticed lately and wishy sysposting reminded me to make everyone aware haha

i do feel bad though because i know there was people who liked certain alters more than they liked me, or expressed that they missed other alters. i promise im not taking them from you, in a sense theyre still here, and at the very least if i am taking them away, its not on purpose. and im sorry. i miss them too, even when i feel them inherited into me.

currently all of this has just fucked with my sense of my gender and age haha. we'll see where it takes me.

if i do end up trying to set up some barriers again it will probably be to store those 2 things... i dont know

but ever sense i noticed this ive been noticing just who im made up of the most or the least. its funny like who won the battle lol

more privately i do still consider myself plural because of it. im not really a completely singular guy, im like, a guy made up of guys.