#im forced 2 be a medic bc of my mental illness .

[verminviscount]

ive been made aware that i have strong opinions on my personal ranking of percy jackson characters so im making a post about it. bc thats what we do here on tungle.hell. experiencing brain worms? spread the word. @garecc i invite you to include your own brain worms here

for those who may not know, which i expect is most of my followers here, Travis (garecc) and i go way back to the days of a trials of apollo discord server that has since crumbled under the weight of various discourse and does not exist at this time. so if anyone understands pjo brain rot, its him.

ONTO THE RANKING. ill be focusing on main characters bc if i include side characters we'll be here all day and Sally Jackson would be every character in this top 5.

1. Hazel Levesque. Deserves better in the eyes of fandom. Gained pretty good control over the mist within one book. Has a cool magic horse. Similar tragic backstory to Nico, but not sulking about it. No shame in sulking, but its cool to see someone go through bad shit and come out still feeling mostly okay.

2. Will Solace. Unfortunately for me, I haven't finished the trials of apollo series yet, so i dont know THAT much about Will as he's primarily a background character. But Apollo kids and medics both get my utmost respect and appreciation, always. and he's a little bit of a sarcastic little shit, but the kind where people dont get annoyed with you bc its almost always funny and lighthearted. i know from hearing people talk about tsats that he's also a Sad Boy (which is to be expected as a demigod, tragedy physically cannot leave you alone.), and im excited to read about someone with my personality go through a mental breakdown :D!

3. Frank Zhang. Listen to me. How can he not be this high up. I don't even know where to begin with this guy, he's so gods damned cool. He's just such a good character and a good dude too! I'd love to be his friend. What a sweetheart, iirc he was the only person at camp jupiter who wasnt freaked out by Nico? he's so nice. children of Ares/Mars are usually mean, and he's so nice. i love him so much. also his life force is connected to a chunk of wood, which is kinda neat. he's a legacy of poseidon. he's canadian. im pretty sure his first name is Westernized bc his grandma calls him Fai, my last name was westernized when my great grandparents came over so i sort of get it though not nearly to the same degree. I ALMOST FORGOT HE CAN SHAPESHIFT!!! DUDE what a cool guy. we gotta move on, i gotta cut myself off. give him more attention in your fan works

4. Nico di Angelo. obviously a fan favorite, but im talking canon Nico here. im not talking about an uwu soft emo boi. im talkin about a sarcastic, pessimistic, deeply insecure little dude. listen, im not gonna talk about the things i love about nico because its been said a million times. its nothing new. im just gonna say that i love reading about characters that go through awful awful trauma and still overcome and find joy on the other side.

5. Rachel Elizabeth Dare. so my impulse is to put Leo here bc i adored him when i first read HoO. and if i didnt really think about it, i wouldve put him. but... Rachel!! how can you not love her! a mortal lady who can see through the mist, she fought with a hairbrush, she's the liveliest and loveliest oracle of delphi camp halfblood has ever and will ever know, she’s from money and hates it, she's an activist, an artist, way more helpful than the last oracle for sure. the mummy in the attic just left you to fend for yourself, Rachel will at least try to help you interpret what a prophecy means. she's blunt and talks a mile a minute, i love seeing my "flaws" represented positively in media.

honorable mentions: Leo Valdez of course, easily my number 6 spot. Apollo/Lester, we love seeing immense character development. Grover Underwood, probably the first time i ever had a definitive favorite character. Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase, romance would be dead and we wouldnt have a series without them.

#percy jackson #pjo hoo toa #character ranking

[glittertrail]

If you wanna infodump about hanahaki disease and any other fake illnesses you might know about i would greatly appreciate the information lol (i literally only know the basics -aka unrequited love makes you cough up flowers and then you die- and have no idea on where to start researching)

BESTIE IM SORRY I KNOW ITS BEEN WEEKS

there's... not that much to infodump on to be honest, i basically discovered what was the hanahaki desease little before the plague and asking for everyone's favorite flower became a thing before and at the beginning of the plague bc of it (the first of many many mentally ill choices made that year for me and my friends)

there's not much more to hanahaki desease than what you just said, it first was used in a 2009 shoujo and became a niche-ish staple in fanfic ever since (I know it's been used in like 2 or 3 works of original media but it's mostly a fan work trope), specially lgbt+ fanwork bc ✨drama✨ and since it's relatively new there's not like a established lore besides the basic 'coughing flowers (and potentially die)' thing, that means there's a good number of variables and those are fun to play with if you are into world building (which i am this is where the nerd rambling actually begins)

About the flowers themselves: it's normally either flowers associated with the object of the unrequited love, character A or B favorite flowers, or maybe something plot relevant (aka A saw B buy a certain type of flowers so now those are the flowers A is coughing, maybe they're their favorite color, maybe one of them is named named after the flower, or the flower has a particular meaning in flower language, you get the gist)

About the mechanics of the desease: the way it works changes depending on the writer, sometimes the flowers grow in lungs (traditional), sometimes they grow directly in hearts or stomaches, you have similar but different secondary symptoms depending on how medical-ish you want to get, other than flowers coughing you can also get other issues like trouble breathing bc the lung space is limited or if they grow in hearts it means low blood pressure, and things that come with it, like fainting spells, if they grow in stomaches then there's acid reflux to take into account (... and disordered eating imagery, which, not my favorite i must say)

it's a painful, slow disease that often develops over months, if not years, and begins with coughing up a few petals, and grows in intensity and pain until the victim is coughing up entire flowers, at which point the disease has reached its final stages and if not treated, it's fatal (and sometimes even when treated bc it's too late).

((tangential but a discovery i made when asking people about their favorite flowers is that a lot of people that have allergies just consider flowers the enemy in general so this is like doubly cruel if you have one of those; the smell of flowers becomes a trigger))

The treatment: so the traditional way to cure it is fessing up to the crush and have their love be required, which has the unfortunate implications of... forcing the other character to return their feelings, which is not Great and not always possible (once again ✨drama✨). There's also the surgical option (aka get rid of the flowers via medical intervention) which sometimes has got the side effect of making the person that has the surgery lose the feelings they had towards their crush or be unable to fall in love again altogether (depends on how last resort and angsty you want to get).

There's also the mechanics of what does unrequited love mean in the context of the story; say the object of the crush accepts to go out with the character that is sick... what if they don't fall in love with them anyway? what if they do but the other person falls out of love? If the crush is requited but both parties are unaware is it still unrequited? what happens when you have characters that are aromantic or otherwise sexually incompatible?

Since the dilemma of forcing someone to reciprocate the feelings of the character affected by the desease is too much of an ick for some people bc that'd make the object of the unrequited crush potentially responsible of someone's death, sometimes there are shifts that make for interesting points in the story:

→ the reason of the desease being not the unrequited love but the refusal to face the possibility of rejection, which then explores other topics the sick character has to deal with, like issues with their self worth or perception of their own self image

→ the desease losing the deathly quality in favor of becoming more of an annoyance than anything else; which opens up another realm of possibilities like turning the deadly angsty trope into a comedy/fluff compatible prompt and broadening up the kind of love it portraits (yes ofc there's romantic love but also... getting a sudden rush of affection for your friend in a purely platonic way, remembering how much you love your pet) or other kinds of angst (it might not be deadly but the possibility of like... Being ridiculed/bullied about the unrequited crush is not off the table depending on the setting of your story)

Edit: a point I forgot to make about the flowers chosen, if favorite flowers are traditional, a world in which knowing someone's favorite flowers must be common knowledge bc how do you casually know that otherwise. The number of people that were taken aback when I started to ask people's favorite flowers was huge bc there's people that had never even thought about it or, heartwarmingly enough, people that did but never had the opportunity to talk about it and lacked the vocabulary to do so (they could point at them in pictures but the name didn't come to them) so there's considerations to be made on that respect

#if you want to talk more about it lmk but this is what i have #replies #goldenliartrash #sandra rambles in nerd #hanahaki desease #reference

[prettyboykatsuki]

basically,,,how do you deal w executive function? Especially since you’re unmedicated? Just like…how do you prioritize ur time like “ok now I’m gonna do this, then this, etc”…how do you push yourself to get started on an assignment and if you have, power through the whole thing without getting distracted? Im medicated but I still struggle to hell and back to do any work at all and barely hand in assignments, let alone on time. I’ve gone whole semesters without submitting or participating in a single thing and failing classes bc of this, and almost got kicked out of uni bc my gpa was so low but, I’ve gotten As at the same exact time so it’s not like I’m bad at this? ik I can do the work well, it’s just impossible to force myself sometimes, and I’m trying to get help and deal w it so it doesn’t keep happening but it’s EXHAUSTING and i feel like the mental effort put in vs the outcome just isn’t..productive at all. I just end up daydreaming endlessly and nothing happens 😭 do you have any tips/routines/methods that help you?

okay!! so. i actually have advice for this and it might not be what u wanna hear but this has changed my life and it's what i tell other people all the time. the number one thing for me?

do not go against your nature because you will lose.

i mean this. read it once, and then again, and keep reading it until its plastered in your brain. im gonna bet since you have adhd, you probably deal with severe feelings of failure and have tried tirelessly to become the perfect and productive person. i can guarantee it.

but you have got to stop going against the fundamentals of who you are as a person by trying to do things the way neurotypical people do them. you are not like them and you won't ever be and that's okay!! but do not try to fight yourself on things you simply cannot do. it's okay. nothing is wrong with doing things differently

i compare myself to a little pet all the time. my brain needs enrichment to function and survive. work with your needs instead of trying to work around them and cut yourself some slack somedays.

ill give u a tldr bc u u might not wanna read all of this LOL. here's what i do that i highly reccomend if u can't be bothered to read the whole post (i get it lmao)

a. change your environment. i go on campus 3 days a week, 3 hours a day - about 9 hours total. top floor, dead silent library.

a.1. noise cancelling headphones changed my life.

b. have every single thing in you need to do right infront of your face. buy post it notes and stick to them to the thing you look at most. as soon as you get an assignment, make it an alarm on your phone. repeat it everyday.

it needs to stress you out a little. creating a sense of urgency matters.

c. no idea about your medication but i drink a lot of caffiene. about 240mg for the three days im on campus + brown noise (NO MUSIC FOR ME) unless im doing something that doesn't require me to think like math

d. force yourself to make a game out of things. it helps.

i need caffeine to focus bc im unmedicated and ill probably need it after im medicated. it happens

now here is the more indepth advice

1. your work will not always reflect how much effort you put in. get comfortable with this and understand it has nothing to do with you. people with adhd do not feel rewarded by completing tasks the way NT people do and you have to understand that you will not garner satisfaction. treat your responsibilities like standing your phone up for a photo - it's fucking annoying to keep doing, but doing it will give you the best results.

2. it is 100% neccesary to trick your brain into doing something. force yourself to make it interesting if you can. instead of trying to study for a test, figure out the best way to cheat. why? because you'll inadvertently learn the content when finding out how. need to read something for a class discussion? read in a fucked up voice or accent that you do when you repeat shit to yourself. make a rap out of it. have an essay that needs to get written? use an ugly font to write the rough draft, and only let yourself use the nice font after you hit a word count. your brain needs dopamine and to produce dopamine you need to make shit interesting.

i use the forest app when im struggling. i get to plant a tree if i focus the whole time in deep focus mode and i feel guilty if a tree dies. it's not stupid if it works. sometimes that doesn't work and that's okay.

3. doing a little is always better than doing nothing. never, ever let your brain give up on something because it's a surefire way to not doing anything at all. if the hardest part is starting, don't try to sit down and force yourself to start. set a 5 minute timer and push through for 5 minutes and take a break for 5 or 10. doing it again and again until you can't anymore. eventually you'll either fall into hyperfocus and get work done or you won't. do something else productive and try to build momentum if you can. forgive yourself if you can't do anything. some days it's not in the cards for you to be productive and that's okay too.

4. this last one, use with limits because hyperfocus is so real but - you have adhd, which means you lose interest in things quickly, which means if there is something you're burning to do - just do it. you losing interest in thing means it's better to get that burning desire out of the way first. if you want to play halo for 2 hours, do it. you don't need to earn it. do it and when you get bored of that, whenever that is, go try and do your work.

generally speaking, cut yourself some slack. adhd is fucking miserable and hard. don't beat yourself too much and remember that you are putting in effort even when you feel like there's nothing to show.

i love u! i hope this helps.

#return to sender #nd stuff #advice

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

[vanityloves]

Storm and ivy + medic

@septemberlove i have. no excuse for how late these are but uh. thank you for sending these in 💕.

[word count: 1.8k+ with the longest 'authors note' bc im mentally ill]

sfw, mmm comfy cozy, general sick hcs,

storm - what are cozy days in with your f/o like?

Whenever I think of cozy days, my brain immediately goes to rainy/chilly weather where we can cuddle up together and my brain short fuses. I'm gonna assume this is just like a day off or something though!

How I visual them together vs how I write them is odd because they technically don't act or accept they're 'together' until after the comics but I always write them like they're in a Steady Relationship while on base. I'm always writing a slight AU if you will. Or maybe it's after they get their jobs back at Mann co - I should highkey adjust that but No ♥️. No more thinking, just content based off my idealized universe.

There's definitely a point in their relationship where it's like 'I think I have to put in a little more work here'. I'm not saying either party is slacking but they're slacking ♥️. Neither of them really take action. Chef doesn't blame him or really complain about it because that's their nature, plus they don't know how romantic relationships really work or flow, especially with a person like him. Medic doesn't see an issue with anything and continues on with his normal business. 

What I mean by slacking is, there's not a lot of quality time being spent together which would be fine if it wasn't both of their strongest Love Languages, which could help them strengthen their relationship. It's odd because they're 'romantically involved' but they don't spend a lot of time together for either of them to consider it romantic, simply because it's on company time. 

ANYWAYS THATS JUST ME BEING CONVOLUTED. FEEL FREE TO JUST IGNORE ALL OF THIS.

Medic goes to bed pretty late and wakes up at a fairly early hour. Chef is a late sleeper and forced to be an early riser because their Actual Job is to make at least 2 or 3 meals a day (if they want something else, they're on their own but hate when anyone messes up the kitchen and will honestly, stand there and watch said person).

There's minimal time they can spend together if they want to do their own activities - for Medic, it's tinkering around with organs or in Engie's garage, for Chef, they're typically meal prepping or trying to tend to an animal or plant of some sort.

Medic is actually more direct about wanting attention and it's never been a problem because he's cautious about it. Chef is more emotionally inclined and willing to drop hints that they want more attention. 

Chef probably has one day off where it's a complete free for all, for the rest of the team, which would be the perfect time to spend with Medic - If he wanted to stop working, that is. Just don't picture it but, Chef will literally sit in the medbay for hours just to be near the guy, but it isn't bad? The drone of machinery or the scratching of his pen is relaxing, or having his doves nearby is always sweet! Plus, he's prone to talking their ear off when he finds something interesting, so they'll chime in and have some back and forth.

But, yknow - sometimes having someone's undivided attention is nice and Chef is pretty dense when it comes to that and wonders why they feel so upset.

They swallow their pride and ask Medic if they sleep in his room one night and Medic's not as dense as Chef, he understands that they'd never ask for something so out of the blue for no reason and he promises to finish up his work early so they could head to bed together. Chef had nothing planned, they literally just needed that affection and closeness - since it was their day off Medic takes the hint and puts his work aside for the time being.

They'd probably sleep in and stay in bed a while longer before getting ready together - no uniform required. Chef isn't so talkative in the mornings, Medic's noticed, but they were happily fiddling with his buttons and tie, humming in thought before answering his questions. Medic's seen them out of uniform of course, but it's always funny seeing them in just a button up and jeans like … mom on the go vibes. Medic leaves his coat behind before making his way to the kitchen with Chef. 

The kitchen usually has a couple people loitering around, grabbing their coffee or honestly, waiting around for Chef because they always make extra and these bitches are lazy. But the kitchen has now become A Medic Supremacy Zone and he has first dibs - the benefits of being w/ Chef I guess. The two would work as if the others weren't there, keeping their conversation between each other even if that means Medic tilting his head down while Chef leans in closer to reply. There's a high possibility the other have left them to their own devices, seeing as the couple was ignoring them / knows they won't be getting anything. Breakfast isn't extraordinary but it feels special since they actually get to sit across each other and share the morning today.

It's possible that they'd go out and run some errands today, but it's a cover to window shop and walk around. I'll be honest, they probably haven't had proper dates so it's refreshing. You could ask Chef what they liked the most and they're just like :] Yes. 

Other times, they like to curl up and catch up with some reading (well, Medic at least) while Chef rests against him and skim over the words. They're not too invested in what he's reading but likes to have some idea of what he's talking about so they don't ask too many questions. (Very 'these words are big and english/german is not my first language + I can't read as fast as you can so I got lost 7 pages ago). Medic likes to watch Chef garden and tries to help them tend to whatever they're able to grow in the goddamn desert. He overwaters a cactus and looks away if it dies. Chef talks ab how they're growing mint and how it really took off while Medic's standing there like :] Oh, lets make tea with that. Because they're Old People (read: Medic is old)

🕊🐁

ivy - how do you take care of each other when you’re sick?

Chef is easier to take care of when they're sick. They continue working until they're pretty beat but once they feel sick and a break doesn't work, they'll try to finish up what they can before turning in early. They see themselves to bed and inform whoever's near that they won't ne there at dinner and if they really cant figure it out, then come get them - other than that, they're barricading themselves in their room.

When they're sick they're REALLY sick but recovery time is usually a few days (depending on how bad it is). They basically hibernate and don't like being disturbed. They're used to not fending for themselves since they've been on their own for a while but really appreciate all the check ins Medic does w/ them, especially when they're all better. 

Medic, being...their Medic, he definitely gives them a check up when they first begin showing symptoms and he can be a stickler when it comes to drinking fluids and eating properly. Chef usually has a  finicky stomach as it is so Medic really urges them to drink soups and easy foods like bread and crackers. He checks in on them A LOT, even if that's just peeking in to see if they're asleep or not. He backs off when Chef gives him a cold stare from under the covers and minimizes his intrusions/tries to be more sneaky about it. He has colder hands and they let out a sigh when he puts his hand to their cheek or forehead to check their temperature. 

Chef doesn't hesitate to take any medication he has for them, mostly bc they aren't fully coherent but they also don't have energy to care, in fact they have the thought that if he accidentally kills them, maybe respawn will cure them. Unfortunately, Medic debunks this before they can even muster up the energy to ask.

Overall 7.5/10, very good patient. Will refuse to get up and accidently falls asleep in the shower which scares the shit out of him.

Medic on the other hand is very stubborn and doesn't like to stop working unless there's something that physically stops him (ex: vomiting, serious injuries [unlikely bc medigun], etc). If he tricked the Devil, surely the man can beat the common cold or flu! Unfortunately he gets those full body shivers and feels terrible. He can be pretty dramatic when he's sick and everyone's subjected to his bad attitude. 

It's Chefs turn to play doctor - they can tell by looks alone that he's under the weather. His face is flushed and he's a bit sloppily put together, which isn't *too uncommon* but his tie isn't tied and his glasses lamely slide down his nose. They tsk a bit while taking his temperature just to keep track of it before ushering him to his room.

He can be dragged to bed if persistent enough. Chef's firm hold on his arm is enough for him to get off his chair and have them tug him along. He doesn't have any room to argue with them as they look up at him, so he relents, stating that a short break would definitely do him good, but he'll be up and at em by tomorrow. 

Chef is doting and becomes a bit of a helicopter parent when checking on him. This mostly consists of peeking their head in but not really stepping in the room. Every so often they'll wake him up to drink water and either hand him an ice pack or offer a cold towel and move to dab at his forehead and neck.

Medic hasn't been too keen on having others taking care of him bc that's HIS job, and he often tries to shoo Chef away by saying he's more than alright now. Sometimes he's caught sitting up in bed doing work or taking notes on something bc he's a bit restless when he's sick and stationary for too long.

But he's right. He's very good at taking care of himself - when Chef offers him food he'll force himself to eat some of it and he's drinks plenty of fluids without needing reminders. He kinda bosses Chef around, telling them to grab certain medications from the Medbay. They trust his judgment on his own health and bring him what he asks for but Chef keeps a mental note of what he takes and when. Don't need the doctor accidentally taking too many pills today!

Overall 6.5/10. It's hard to get him into bed and becomes restless fairly easily. He is persistent that he's ok after one day of rest only to be found sneezing himself away in the Medbay. 

#tf2 oc #self insert #medic #self ship #tf2 headcanons #my headcanons #my writing #i guess #'have you written enough?' idk you tell me. #s: soul food #if anyone reads even a part of this im sorry #💙 2d's spouse 💙 #mars!!! #ahh thank you again.. sorry these are so late ahshhd i get caught up w/ other stuff so this was self care <3 ! #im very passionate ab medic YSHDHD like yeah no shit bitch 🦧

[littlebabycrybtch]

internet pleading session number 2 billion;;; for the love of god stop allowing ableism. stop leaving disability and mental illness allyship out of your activism. im dealing with this shit EVERY SINGLE day and so much of it is just inexcusable laziness and selfishness on the part of ignorant self proclaimed activists like. holy shit it is getting so. Unbearably fucking bad. i dont understand how ppl in modern day are letting it get this bad. its never been Good obviously but its like,,, we were being included in activism topics for a while and gaining a lot of traction with everybody else when all of a sudden smth happened (cringe culture) ((aka the normalization of validating whiny unnecessary judgments)) and we got totally left behind and ppl even turned on us. wtf like?? whats wrong with us when was there a meeting where yall unanimously decided we’re being kicked out of the ‘caring abt this groups Oppression’ board like. a lot of yall CONTRIBUTE TO IT? what right do you feel you have to act this way to us?????? holy shit stop abandoning us please im begging this shit is too hard to deal with like stop idk what on gods green fucking earth we are actually doing to you to make yall turn on us like htis and leave us and our oppression at Your Hands completely out of your mind but im tired of the utter disrespect and disregard for what i deal with. i fucking hate it here like jkshdfjksdf yall its hell enough to just Be autistic and/or psychotic .... its almost unfathomably cruel to just. be SO hateful abt that and not give a shit. idc if its weird or makes you uncomfortable bitch ur grown get over it!! im the one dealing with it firsthand!!!! ive had too many crying meltdowns asking why i was ‘made like this’, wondering what kind of punishment im going through to be put somewhere i literally am not meant to be, where every part of how i work is different than most other people, where im told to exist where nothing exists for me and no one will care, just to have everybody talking about ‘progress’ while they let ableism run literally RAMPANT with people saying the r word and making memes out of our severe psychological distress and trauma. 

idc what anybody says about that stupid ass faux offense ‘you cant compare oppressions’ topic anymore bc tbh i NEED YOU , im begging bc i NEED YOU TO HELP ME AND SUPPORT ME for gods sake, and i dont really KNOW how to DO that anymore so like. yes im ‘comparing’ ableism to other shit yall care about, and asking outright why you Presume you get to think we’re different. why our history of forced lifelong imprisonment in asylums, our eugenics and experimentation, our still modern day medical abuse, parental abuse, and social abuse, is Different and Does Not Have To Matter Just Bc You Dont Want It To. if you can call people out for saying other slurs you can call out the r slur! you literally are showing you have the capabilities to do this, but just dont care abt us specifically!! that's FUCKED and you should know it!! if you openly fight back against disrespect towards the minorities you respect, but laugh at or even are part of the people mocking the cringe nd people, you are a self serving piece of shit!! we deserve respect. we deserve basic human respect no matter what, and we deserve more considering how much blood yall allistics and non psychotics have on your hands. i mean for gods sake how is that ignored, how does our shit mean absolutely Nothing to you!!! its one thing to have to deal with it, to be blatantly shown OVER and OVER again how LITTLE people can care, how they cant even BRING themselves to TOLERATE caring... thats whats so damaging. thats the real shit that makes me wish i wasnt me or wasnt here, bc god... i KNOW i cant even SAY smth like that, like ‘i wanna die’ without someone out there reading fighting back a giggle. without expecting an insult. cuz im an embarassing fucking r*tard whos display of feelings is just fucking weird and uncomfortable for people. im a stupid weird ass different ass bitch and no one feels they should have to care abt anything im going through bc im not easy to vibe with. and especially when my pleas for respect are like This, long and ranty and ~irrational~. bro. i try. how. the fuck am i supposed to Stay rational. im being Tormented day in and day out, and left to my own devices by ppl i thought would stay by my side. i feel like im losing my mind dealing with this alone......... so my question is, to all the ppl who call themselves a decent person. where are you hiding from this topic. where on earth ARE you guys lmao fuck

#long post

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal / #vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

[trans-guy-positive-blog]

URGENT: Help my parents want me to go to the hospital bc im feeling suicidal im so scared and i dont know how its gonna go and being trans makes it more scary, i live in the US if thats important

Hey there, im sorry youre feeling so bad. Going to the hospital is a really good idea if youre suicidal. I know its scary, but it really can help keep you safe. You can learn coping skills and find vakuabke resources for you and your family.

In the past year ive been in a psychiatric hospital 3 different times (1 hospital the first 2, another one for the 3rd) so Ive been where you are. The first time I stayed 7 days, the second time I stayed 6 days, and the third time it was 8 days. Obviously things can differ state to state but im gonna give you the general protocol of things to make it a little less scary. Going to the hospital (all 3 times) was the best choice i could’ve made tbh. Im gonna give you the whole process. All of it may not apply to you depending on what the doctors say, but ill put it here anyway just in case

First you go to the ER. They will give you a bracelet with you name on it which can be dysphoria inducing if your name isnt legally changed. Sometimes it will also have your legal gender on it too. They will do intake (ask why youre there, blood pressure, weight, pulse) and then youll wait to be called. They may have a security guard sit near you if youre not with your parents (they might do that anyway though).

After this they will take you to a crisis unit. This may be called a Behavioral Health Unit instead of crisis, its the same thing. Here they will have you give them everything you have (cellphone, headphones, shoes, wallet, etc). They may also take your jewlery. Some places also will have you change into scrubs and they will take your clothes. They will have you change in a room but someone will likely need to watch you change in the room or they will look through a 2 way mirror. In this process they might also take your binder. The first time I explained why i needed to keep it and i cried a lot and begged. The next time i told them i will not take it off. The third time they didnt ask. They will also scan your body with a metal detector wand and possibly give you a patdown. If you are packing, they will have you remove it. I suggest not packing when you go to the ER.

They will bring you to a room that has a bed and walls. There also may be a door on the room, but no lock. Sometimes a bathroom is also attached to the room. You can usualy have a pillow and blanket. They may bring chairs in if your parents are allowed to stay with you (some places dont allow parents past a certian hour). They also can give you water and some food here of you ask (sometimes they will automatically offer if its a meal time). Here you will usually be asked to give a urine sample and they sometimes draw blood. There also may be a phone that you can use to make calls, so be sure to know peoples numbers.

Youll meet with a psychiatrist who will evaluate you. Expect questions about wanting to die or harm yourself, about hallucinations, about your mental health history, any medications youre on, and about being trans. The psychiatrist will then determine whether you are a threat to yourself or others. If you are, they will want to admit you. Depending on your insurance and where you live, you might get to pick which facility you go to. It is A LOT easier to consent to being admitted as a voluntary patient than it is to be involuntary (involuntary patients are forced to be there by court order). You will then be transported by ambulance to the psychiatric hospital. The psych hospital may be in the same building as the regular hospital, and in that case they will transport you by stretcher.

(Your parents may or may not be present for this depending on where you go) Once you arrive at the psych hospital, youll do intake again. They will take vitals and ask you a million questions about how youre feeling and what your history is. You may get misgendered a lot here. Correct them and be consistent even though its scary. You might also get a tour of the floor and have some thing explained to you. It will help in the long run. Because youre trans, the rooming situation might be weird. The first 2 times i was at a hospital that wasnt educated about trans stuff so i was forced into a single room because i was apparently a sexual predator bc im trans. The third time i was at a different hospital and they were a lot better. There i had a trans roommate, a girl, and a guy (we all kept switching rooms).

In the hospital, you might be one on one supervision until they decide you arent gonna harm yourself or others. Hospitals have a psychiatric nursing staff, psychiatrist, and different kinds of therapists and counselors. Youll probably have group therapy, one on one meeting with the doctor, family therapy or meetings, group activities like games or movies, coping skill groups, etc. You may also have school built into the schedule, where you can get work from your school sent to you or dropped off. (Nothing online, no computers). A theraputic teacher will be there to supervise and they may give assignments as well. Youll also have some free time to journal or watch tv or color. Your floor might also go outside. Meals are either in the cafeteria or on your unit. It depnds where you are and how safe you are. All of this really depends on where you are though. Your parents can also come visit and possibly friends or teachers or religious leaders. You can also make phone calls. Who is allowed to visit/call depends on the facility. They will keep you at the hospital until you are safe enough to go home. They will most likely put you on medication and have you see a therapist and psychiatrist after you go home. You may also have to do IOP, which is intensive outpatient therpay, where you go a few times a week to group therapy and individual counseling. You can refuse to go if you dont want to, but its suggested. IOP is really a hit or miss.

That’s basically the process. Another thing to mention is that your parents should bring you a bag of stuff. This should include clothes, hygeine stuff, towels, notebook, coloring book, books to read, schoowork, etc. Also be sure to have a sweatshirt and some long sleeves, as well as fuzzy socks or thick socks because it will be cold. You can’t have anything with strings so take them out before or the hospital will take them out or cut them off. The hospital will be able to tell what you can and cant have. Its different for each place. If you have specific concerns, be sure to vocalize them. I have severe allergies so I had to make sure i was allowed sheets and pillowcases and blankets from home or hypoallergenic ones from the hospital. I also needed to make sure i could have my own soap and shampoo and conditioner, as well as my lotions to keep my allergies calm. At one hospital i was automatically allowed all of that and at another i needed special permission. It all really depends on where you are.

I hope this was helpful. Going to the hospital is really scary, especially if its your first time, so being afraid is normal. My first time i cried for three days straight. Iam so proud of you for asking for help and i really hope you do go to the ER to get evaluated. If you (or anyone else) want to messgae me here or on my personal please do.

EDIT: I totally forgot to talk about HRT. If you are on testosteorne make sure they have it. I had to bring my own T and estorgen blockers to one of the hospitals i was at. They let me do my shot myself, supervised of course. They also took me off of my blocers for 3 days because they had to get it approved by their pharmacy which was really stressful. The other hospital had my estorgen blockers there so it was fine, and my time there didnt fall of a T shot day. But they said they had it for if i ended up staying longer.

Stay safe

-Emmett

[fairycosmos]

is your most fun times and all of my old friends are having good time but i dont and i hate going that school entering those buildings doing the same routines over and over. i dont even study my gpa is bad. im a loser in every aspects of life. i didnt dream it this way dude. it hurts to think that i'll be like this forever,im scared bc i know i cant handle one more year like this... im sorry for this negativity,i just had to tell this to someone... thank you for listening :)

hey, it’s okay. i totally get it. first of all, don’t believe all that ‘college is the best time of your life’ bullshit. that’s not necessarily true and it’s not like only one portion of your life is going to be happy and golden, that’s just a myth perpetuated by middle aged people that are stuck in the past tbh :/ i’m really sorry to hear that things didn’t turn out the way you thought they would. it always hurts when that happens and it can sometimes feel like you’ll never move past it, but the simple fact is that you will. life goes on, it doesn’t stop for anybody and that can be a good and a bad thing.

you said that your first year of college was super difficult, right? and yet you still managed to get through it, you were still strong enough and resilient enough to make it to the end of the year. that’s really something that you should be genuinely proud of. however, that doesn’t mean that this year will be as bad as the last one - and even if it is, now you know that you can rely on yourself to get through it. but try not to get stuck in the negative mindset of just expecting things to turn out wrong, bc that just makes it more likely that they will. if you look at the upcoming year with a fresh, upbeat approach then it’ll be easier to handle. even if you have to force yourself to do it at first. whenever you catch yourself worrying about it, make the conscious effort to combat the negative thought with a positive one. change your internal monologue so that it helps you rather than stresses you out. make a list of all of the good things about college: amazing opportunities , the chance to meet new people, the chance to make a difference. 

when it comes to the issue with your friends, i can totally relate. finding people that you really truly click with is really difficult, a lot harder than most people realize. however that doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find them, you know? try to keep putting yourself out there. you don’t need your friends to join clubs with you, join them on your own and see if there’s anybody that you really get along with. you have to take that first step, it’s crucial. and i know it’s scary, i totally understand that. but your brain is making it seem a lot worse than it will be. it’s just a club, and if you hate it or if you don’t like the people then you never have to go back again. but it’s definitely worth a try. all you can really do is put yourself into situations where meeting new people is likely, even if it feels nerve wracking and weird to do so. just try to be yourself and approach everyone with an open mind, and then others will be drawn to that and to you. making real friends is one of those things that just has to occur naturally and there’s not really a lot of advice to give about it bc i also struggle with it a lot lmao :/ but just keep in mind that great people can walk in and out of your life in a heartbeat - it just takes time, and patience. 

okay so this is the really important bit - you said you’ve been struggling with depression for 2 yrs now and honestly that must be really fucking hard to deal with and i’m sorry you’re going through it. since it’s a mental illness that will only get worse if let alone, i’d really REALLY recommend talking to someone about it if you haven’t already. i know you probably don’t want to but that’s genuinely the best way forward, and you want things to change, right? whether it’s the college counselor or your usual doctor, just make an appointment and see how it goes. they’ll be able to asses you and give you the care that you need, whether it’s therapy or medication or general support and advice. you don’t have to do this alone and there are A LOT of people that are going through what you’re going through, believe me. you have to treat it like a broken arm or a physical illness - it’s just as serious and it needs just as much attention from professionals. once you’ve talked to someone it might be a lot easier to talk to people and to let yourself enjoy things a little more, you know? it all comes back to your mental state and how you’re dealing with it. you need to make yourself a priority, okay?

check out these links if you want bc they might help - 

http://www.bestcounselingdegrees.net/10-great-tips-for-dealing-with-depression-in-college/

https://www.trade-schools.net/articles/college-depression.asp

http://www.learnpsychology.org/student-stress-anxiety-guide/

at the end of the day, you don’t know where you’ll be in a year. nobody knows what the future holds, so why bother torturing yourself over it? it’s probably going to be both good and bad, most things are. all you can do is take it one day at a time, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time. stop thinking about the bigger picture for a while and try to focus on right now, on the present moment. you will handle whatever struggles and hardships you have to face this year, just as you did last year, and it WILL be okay. just breathe, know that you’re so much stronger than you think you are. try to get some help with your depression and just do what feels right for you, okay? that’ what matters here. i hope you’re alright. hmu if you want to talk more about it. i’m always here.

#long post

[enbypoloka]

im making a new commissions post, but im in desperate need of money

anyways in addition: TL;DR me and my bf desperately need to move outta our living situation and im taking commissions bc im unable to work currently

TW: ABUSE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, AND SUICICAL THOUGHTS/SELF HARM

edit: i still cant’ post my pictures for my commissions post as of yet, where i live currently the internet is very crappy

everything is under the cut:

so back in march, i began to have health complications that lead to me passing out. and to this day i have been to the ER multiple times, and there's still nothing to be found. i'm still passing out and i have uncontrolled muscle spasms. not only that i was diagnosed with diabetes and major depression and severe anxiety. i was already diagnosed with the mental illnesses, but they decided to finally give me medication for it. going back to me passing out, i was informed that it might be stressed related and that i would need to see a psychiatrist, but the hospital that i was finally able to establish care with, is taking forever to get me in. as a FYI i have medicaid and i can only use hospitals and services covered by it. so about last month i was forced to move out of my house bc of the ongoing abuse. back in about 2015 or so i was molested by my stepdad one night, and my mom was in the hospital at the time so i wasn't able to tell anyone about it. fast forward to this year, the verbal abuse from my stepdad is at its worse and gotten to the point i felt unsafe. i told my mom about what he did to me that night finally, bc i was unable to keep it to myself anymore from all the verbal abuse he was doing to me.i told my mom not to say anything to him because he paid the bills in the house bc my mom is disabled and i'm unable to work and my twin doesn't make enough as a cashier to help out very much. it was a mistake to tell my mom :) my mom didn't believe me, and neither did my older sister bc they both love my stepdad too much to ever think he 7would ever do smthg so horrible lol. so my mom told him abt what i said, and lied to him and told him things i didn't say. it turned to a head around may 17...i came home, and got into a very big arguement with my parents. with my mom openly mocking me saying that nothing has happened to me at all, with my stepdad and with my real dad (my real dad is a known pedo) and my stepdad became violent and threatened physical harm to me twice beforehand my mom and my stepdad has put their hands on me, and so that night i was more or less unofficially moved out of my house. i came back the following night to pack my clothes and the other items i had and had to move in with my bf in his small trailer with his roommates. his roommates make me feel super unwelcomed and is passive aggressive towards him and myself. i'm stuck in his very tiny room while he goes to work. during all of this, im still unable to work. i went to the er this past monday bc i passed out at my job when on my first day back. while i was being wheeled out on a stretcher, my manager had said very out of pocket and aggressive things to me. and i wasn't seen at all in the er bc the wait time was really long. in addition i don't drive and legally unable to bc in my state im not allowed to for 6 months after passing out. that being said my bf is my only ride. my manager refused to let my bf leave from work early, and made him stay an additional hour past closing, my store closes at 11PM he wasn't able to get me until 1 o' clock in the Morning. currently im looking for new employment that's within walking distance of my bf's job so i can catch ride with him and walk to work. i put 3 applications in, one already rejected me, im waiting for the other 2. i need money to save up so me and my bf can move into an affordable living situation that takes us away from being in a shitty environment, or if we are forced to move out bc his roommates. my mental health is so bad, i don't think i was ever this low. i relapsed so many times in the past month alone, and i don't have anything going for me to the point i dont have any point in living. i need help to get up and out. im struggling so bad rn bc of everything.

#anything helps #i have a ko-fi #and cashapp and paypal #i feel horrible about asking for so much #but currently i have no other options. #i don't want to make a gofundme or anything bc i feel like other people deserve that more #but regardless i'm in desperate need of help #please boost my commissions post #im struggling so much #anything helps i promise #signal boost

[survivorelsalvador]

EPISODE 7 - I Love Our Tribe And Don’t Want Anyone Out - Regan

(If a confessional is just a gif or a picture then it was most likely Veronica, winner of Jeju Island, uwu <3)

LILY

Well. My plans to take out queen Dana have failed. Luckily she still trusts me and kai. So I'm in a good spot. I trust Richie the most and hope we can make it far. But honestly I feel like I have no real alliances so I could be in trouble too. I wish that my immunity win wouldn't have been wasted on someone being med evacted. I wanted to make a damn big move! Haha oh well, I guess there is always next time. But I suck at trivia. Soooo it will probably be sooner rather than later. Wish me luck....

ZAKRIAH

brooke has always been better than flick idk why she gets so much slander flick is fucking stupid

KAI

AHHHHH WILLA WENT SO NO MORE STRONG MAJORITY ALLIANCE. *sad face*

ASHTON

*Talks shit about rob or whatever*

LILY

Sorta nervous that Dana will stop trusting me based off of my FTC speech in Bahamas. I hope this isn't the case but I'm a tad worried. Also I still feel like I have no real allies and I ain't gonna get 7th. Your girl really needs 7th or an FTC shortly or I'm gonna lose it. Hopefully we make merge after this vote but I have a feeling we will have one more immunity.

AUSTIN

Almost had a mental breakdown and quit because y'all think you're XD comical roflcopter funny!!!!!!!!! But you're not

DANA

"Heylo

1) Ashton and Richie are targeting me. Why? Probably because I never talked to them. This is 100% my fault. Oops. Glad we don't have to go to tribal this round because I literally sold my soul to the trivia challenge/

2) I'm trying to work with Lily and Kai in this game...after voting them both out of another game VERY recently... bad strategy? Definitely. Just bring me back to Willow and Zak.

3) I'm 99% sure the idol clues are leading me to something that has to do with... JLo. Honestly, wouldn't be shocked if I'm right, this seems like something Rob MIGHT do. If I'm wrong? This is going to be a VERY embarrassing confessional to read at the end of this game. If I'm right? We'll then things could be looking up for me! "

RICHIE

"awkward i loved for dana and she's still here because willa got another strike so i still havent talked to her or addressed the fact that she def knows i voted for her bc i completely ignored her before tribal because im a flop lmao.... i was going to throw the immunity so we could just vote her out again this time but then with the resistance that austin gave last round against voting dana + lily told me that dana/kai/austin/lily started an alliance before the last vote i didn't want to risk it so we won and yay i guess??? i need to step up my social game or like just talk to anyone because i'm sucking big time i can see myself being an early merge boot with the fact people might think im a challenge threat and my lack of connections.....

on another night im conflicted because when i found the idol it was with the help of chips i had asked him about the clues he got earlier in the game and i was talking with him bouncing ideas off eachother to try and figure it out and when i found the idol i said something so now he knows i have it which is fine because i trust him but im dumb i should have just kept my mouth shut and kept the idol for myself bc im going to need it going into the merge but i asked chips if hes getting voted out and he said no one on his tribe is talking to him so now i might give him the idol................. but if i give it to him and he doesnt play it and doesnt give it back i'll be pissed and if i give it to him and he uses it and he's not getting votes im going to be pissed... so the chances of me being pissed are like 66%??? idk im not good at math but its chips so ill do it for him if i think it will save him so that i go into merge with one good ally "

NICHOLAS

hi hey hello so i still don't really know what im doing so lets hope i dont go home ; - ;

JOSH

https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/gremlins/images/f/fa/Gizmo.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20090920192843

WILLOW

I wanna vote out chips bc he doesn't talk a lot

REGAN

This round was hard because we have to vote Chips out, he knows hes going (might have an idol? says he doesnt). its just I love our tribe and don't want anyone out. I love willow but honestly Id rather have her out than Chips at this point because I adore chips. But I might as well go with my alliance or theyll get mad so.

CHIPS

"It has been a long time coming me making a confessional for this season.

I want to thank you hosts again for being so gracious giving me time to get settled in my new state and living quarters and being flexible with your requirements. I'm sorry it has taken me this long to give you my thoughts, honestly.

In summary of my experience so far - I don't remember much from the first tribe as I think we were only there for one round and then got swapped. If that is not the case it must have been at a time where I was barely on the computer.

We got swapped and I was the first picked in a schoolyard pick by Lily who's this really sweet person who really wanted to work with me in another side season that I was playing in!

Our tribe didn't have tribal and did really well and then we got randomly swapped again (I think it has something to do with the number of quitters?)

Anyway, that initial tribe did well in challenges and got clues and then Richie asked to see the old clues that I had gotten at other times and he deduced where to find the idol and he found it. And so that's cool...

When we got swapped the second time I got swapped onto a tribe where I had not been on a tribe with anyone else and it was a double tribal with individual immunity. I knew I had to win because of everyone I'd be the easiest vote since there'd be no previous connection.

I was immune and then this person named Bulgaria left instead. Anyway, then we had to do some trivia which was pretty fun until I got busy the next day and missed nearly every post of a question - our tribe lost and I was shocked to find that the hosts didn't even do that basic thing where you can give up all the points to force a tribe to go to tribal for an advantage that has become popular recently.

Anyway, our tribe is going to tribal so I message everyone to ask them about the vote and stuff and no one gets back to me except for Regan. Regan just wants me to give her a name so I tell her Zakriah because he was the last person of this group to accept my contact request having done so just at the end of the last tribal council.

Anyway, eventually Nicholas messages me to tell me that he thinks there's an alliance of Regan/Zak/Willow/Josh because they were all on that tribe together and that they are going to be voting between either me or him.

Richie messages me and asks if I think that I'm maybe going. I tell him that no one is really talking to me and tell him that Nicholas told me about that ""maybe"" alliance and he says he'll find out if he can send me his idol. Richie sends me the idol and tells me that I can play it to stay safe since no one is talking to me, but if it's not the majority vote he's going to be mad at me.

Well, I can't guarantee if this group of people isn't all self-voting since no one is talking to me so I am going to play it and vote for Josh instead of Zakriah. I figure that a random vote for another person if the rest are voting the other way will at least shake up some suspicion if there is a group as to who cast it.

Gosh! I really hope this isn't just a really inactive tribe and that there really is some secret plot against me. If not, these players all need to be medically evacuated as soon as possible, because trying to speak to them is worse than Mattie from Atomic Survivor Death Valley."

"[7:24:00 PM] Regan: what do we do [7:24:00 PM] Regan: I [7:24:37 PM] Chips: I... don't know tbh. [7:24:52 PM] Regan: I feel bad either way [7:24:54 PM] Chips: I mean, I voted Josh so I kinda wanted to stick with it. But then like... I dunno. :/ [7:24:54 PM] Regan: who flips in a merge [7:24:55 PM] Regan: honestly [7:24:59 PM] Chips: Me. [7:25:02 PM] Chips: I flip in a merge honestly. [7:25:16 PM] Chips: Like.. you really think I'm not going to. [7:25:17 PM] Regan: UR FLIPPING [7:25:18 PM] Chips: >.> [7:25:22 PM] Regan: well fuck [7:25:24 PM] Chips: When EVERYONE VOTES FOR ME TO LEAVE

Um... I?"

REGAN

THIS IS THE MOST STRESSFUL TRIBAL OF MY LIFE. BETWEEN ZAKRIAH AND JOSH AND I CANT VOTE OUT EITHER. BECAUSE THEYRE MY FAVES. AND LIKE ITS NOT EVEN FAIR TO ME.

#ididntconsent

[pixelated-alien]

Unusual Asks

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify

is your room messy or clean? Both. It gets messy but then I go in and clean everything

what color are your eyes? Dark Golden Brown

do you like your name? why? The name I was born with? No. Horrible people have had my name on their tongues and what a pleasure it is knowing these people will never speak of my identity one day after my name is changed

what is your relationship status? In a relationship

describe your personality in 3 words or less emotional. thats it lol

what color hair do you have? Dark brown, but in the summer, it lightens to a reddish brown

what kind of car do you drive? color? A blue Ford Escape

where do you shop? Target lmao

how would you describe your style? whatever is comfortable or appropriate at the time.

favorite social media account does snapchat count?

what size bed do you have? im usually on a queen, but bc i moved back home, im on a twin ):

any siblings? I have 2 older sisters, an older brother and a younger brother

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? Germany or Alaska. They seem like amazing, beautiful places and I love the cold.

favorite snapchat filter? Either the dog filter, or the one with the aviator glasses

favorite makeup brand(s)  NYX, Becca, UD

how many times a week do you shower? I shower everyday, and i occasionally take a bath too

favorite tv show? Ummm House M.D

shoe size? 9

how tall are you? 5′7

sandals or sneakers? depends honestly

do you go to the gym? LMAO

describe your dream date April 15th. Kidding. Idk, I’ve already had my dream date with my boyfriend tbh. I honestly just love going out and doing literally anything and coming home and eating takeout or pizza and just being together. I’m not picky 

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? $0 but i have cards???

what color socks are you wearing? no socks 

how many pillows do you sleep with? 5 or more

do you have a job? what do you do? I work at the zoo as a ropes course instructor. I basically work on a 50ft tall metal obstacle course

how many friends do you have? Just a few

whats the worst thing you have ever done? I honestly don’t know. Probably attempting to kill myself I guess.

whats your favorite candle scent? i dont have a specific favorite, but i enjoy what my boyfriend likes to call, “dark scents” lmao

3 favorite boy names Grey, Mason, Killian

3 favorite girl names Everett, Ophelia, Rowan

favorite actor? either Colin Firth or Robert Sean Leonard

favorite actress? I honestly dont know tbh. I dont have the mental capacity to think about movies rn

who is your celebrity crush? Adrian Brody

favorite movie? Driving Miss Daisy

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I dont read enough lately to have a favorite book at the moment

money or brains? brains 100%

do you have a nickname? what is it? At work they call me Scary Cary. My boyfriend calls me beautiful bunny lol 

how many times have you been to the hospital? many many times. shoutout to chronic illnesses

top 10 favorite songs Oh boy. Cough  Syrup- Young the Giant, Satellite- Guster, Seasons- Future Islands, Darling- Real Estate, Wish I Knew You- The Revivalists, Lately- Humble & Blisse, Apocalypse- Cigarettes After Sex, Tongues of Fire- John Mark McMillan, Feel It Still- Portugal. The Man, Easy Way- For The Foxes

do you take any medications daily? Daily, no. 

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) Pretty normal, a little oily what is your biggest fear? Being abandoned or forgotten

how many kids do you want? 0

whats your go to hair style? down and natural. sometimes straightened if i have time

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) its normal. on the biggish side 

who is your role model? i dont really have one. Im just kinda doin my own thing figuring shit out on my own

what was the last compliment you received? idk probably something from my boyfriend

what was the last text you sent? It was a screenshot of a song I sent to my boyfriend

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? I honestly dont know.

what is your dream car? Hyundai Genesis Coupe

opinion on smoking? I dont care. I dont partake though

do you go to college? LOL PENDING

what is your dream job? Domestic Violence Therapist/Counselor 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Either one. as long as it isnt the middle of nowhere or a big ass city

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?no

do you have freckles? I have a few on my face and a bunch on my shoulders and back

do you smile for pictures? sometimes

how many pictures do you have on your phone? A LOT

have you ever peed in the woods? Ummm probably when I was younger

do you still watch cartoons? Hell yeah

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? McDonalds

Favorite dipping sauce? Sweet and sour

what do you wear to bed? underwear. sometimes a shirt, sometimes no shirt

have you ever won a spelling bee? yeah in elementary school

what are your hobbies? sleeping. eating. being the worlds biggest baby tbh

can you draw? kinda i guess

do you play an instrument? I play the trumpet!

what was the last concert you saw? AWOLNATION

tea or coffee? Tea

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks wtf

do you want to get married? Absolutely

what is your crush’s first and last initial? ZL

are you going to change your last name when you get married? definitely yes

what color looks best on you? Red, but bc of my skin tone, all colors look good tbh

do you miss anyone right now? oh definitely

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed

do you believe in ghosts? hell yeah

what is your biggest pet peeve? people who say sure, or being cut off when im talking

last person you called my friend Meighan

favorite ice cream flavor? i dont like ice cream ):

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular oreos wtf lol

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? they taste the same to me 

what shirt are you wearing? a long sleeve air force PT shirt

what is your phone background? my lock screen is my boyfriend, my home screen is Spike Spiegel lol

are you outgoing or shy? a little of both

do you like it when people play with your hair? only if its my boyfriend. anyone else, dont fucking touch me lol

do you like your neighbors? eh

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? whenever i shower. so it varies

have you ever been high? yeah and it was dumb 

have you ever been drunk? yeah and that was also dumb lol

last thing you ate? i dont even remember tbh

favorite lyrics right now “When people change, they gain a peace but they lose one too.”

summer or winter? Winter

day or night? Night

dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk

favorite month? any cold fall/winter month. it varies here in the south

what is your zodiac sign Aries

who was the last person you cried in front of? my parents

#personal #anonymous

[hegglespeggles]

That Mental Illness Thing.

A really good friend of mine just told me she’s struggling with depression, and so i gave her my advice. I figured it might be helpful for other people too so Imma post is here, please feel free to add anything else to it as well! heres my two cents: I'm so incredibly sorry that you feel so shitty, and I understand some of how terrible you feel right now. I want you to know that this doesn't lessen you as a person, and that this will not last forever. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and I have lived a happy(ish ;)) healthy fufilling life despite that. And who knows, maybe its clinical, maybe its situational. I don't know. thats why I'm going to refer you to a bunch of different resources. 1. the family navigation project at sunnybrook works with the families of mentally ill children to help get them  the support they need. they are like 85% of the reason I got the help i needed, and theyre super nice and will help you and theyre super knowledgeable, and will check up on you and communicate with you. I was scared and smol and super alone in the whole thing and they made me feel like i wasn't fighting on my own. 100% reccomend. 2. the Delisle youth services are an organization that offer therapy and safe spaces to youth and theyre super fantastic too. Those safe spaces are also very pro LGBTQIA+ ( all of the places im reccomending are, but by far delisle are the most proactive about it) so if you feel like you need a place to ask questions about your sexuality and advice and whatnot, theyre great mate. 3. When i got my diagnosis, I had to go in circles and bounce from organization to organization a lot, so Im gonna cut to the chase here: if your looking for a diagnosis, go to your doctor and have them refer you for an appointment at the youthdale treatment centre. thats where they have child psychs that will assess you and help you figure out what you need. which leads me to: LITTLE FUN FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOWWWWW 1. you are 14< which means that you have complete control over your own medical records. if you want, you can do what i did and your parents never have to find out. you tell the doctor "i dont want my parents to know" and BY LAW they cant say jack shit. Personally, i think that if you are comfortable with it, then it makes the whole this 80000% easier on you mentally to have a parent with you, but far from me to say that it will always be the best option bc i know that things only were worse for me when my parents found out (here i should add the caveat that my parents were abusive pieces of shit and from what you told me your parents are great but idk. you know yourself and your situation best.) 2. Diagnoses are your best friend. theres a few different reasons why imo your first step is a diagnosis: a) it first of all gives you the piece of mind to know that you arent just being lazy, or self pitying, but that you have a legitimate illness that you must treat which makes it leaps and bounds easier to treat because you dont hate yourself (as much) b) the school and other institutions will help you out if you can provide that documentation. Ontario charter of rights and freedoms outlines that you are entitled to certain allowances as you have a legitimate disability. Once you have a diagnosis, you can sit down with a guidance counsellor and get some things set out to help you at school. this means for me that i am allowed to listen to music in class, i get extra time on assignments with no reprecussions, and if i need to walk out of class (panic attacks yay!) then i can. by far this has made my life sosososo much better and easier and made me so much happier. its so comforting to know if youre having a bad episode and cant move from bed than at least your not "destroying your life." also, universities are forced to recognize it too, and that leads to my last point c) as calculating as it sounds, scholarships yo. you heard me. get that mad dough. 

3. maybe the first therapist you see wont work for you. maybe you have to shop around. thats okay and normal and 100% fine. the most important part is that you find someone you can work with 4. Kids help phone has an online chat if you ever need to scream about something but dont wanna feel like youre burdening anyone. MY SUPER SUBJECTIVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 1. sometimes you just gotta turn your brain off and run on autopilot. sometimes you dont go to rehearsal bc you love it, sometimes you just gotta go because its thursday night and thats what happens thursday nights. 2. Schedule your life. I find that when im depressed, sitting in bed watching star trek for 16 hours feels like a really solid plan. so have a solid-er plan in place so that when you feel like that you can say that "nope i cant find out if starfleet is actually being controlled by changelings because i have to create an outline of my comparitive essay for english by 4 o clock" and so by doing that you become your own mom. i like bullet journalling for this. google it, its fun and productive.   3. Talk to people. I know how hard that can be and im really proud of you for reaching out the way you have. that takes guts, and so im putting this here as a intellectual thing to keep track of and not because i actually think youre stuggling with this part b. messaging people isnt the same as talking to them. so try to get that face-time in. go see a movie. grab some fro-yo. go to the park. see people face to face and that will make everything less shitty. SO FINAL SUM UP. this is a super shitty way to be feeling, and i know its kinda scary, but it doesnt have to suck peripherally, only in the most immediate way, in that your illness is pretty much described as "everything sucks for me always." If you ever need anything i am always right here, and there are resources available at the tips of your fingers. I have a studyblr as well and a lot of it is how to manage mental health when youre in school (and star trek memes. shut up you have your guilty pleasures too) so if you need help getting to work this is also helpful too.

#mental health