#i've spent most of my life monitoring how i talk to them and what i talk to them about and i finally realized that i'm tired of it

[pecanplease]

Today I did two things that scared me: 1) I finally got an industrial. 2) I wore my trans David shirt in front of my parents. I'm proud of myself.

#i'm scared of permanence and regret not needles btw lol #and yeah i've had this shirt for over two years but i would only ever wear it when i was away at school or visiting my sister #but today i wanted to wear it and i wasn't going to be stopped by the fact that i was driving home in the evening #i've been trying to censor myself around them less #it's a process #i know they won't react poorly it's just scary #i've spent most of my life monitoring how i talk to them and what i talk to them about and i finally realized that i'm tired of it #queerness is just never something we talked about and since i came out (which i did regret) had been something they want me to protect #and keep close to my chest #i don't think they ever really realized how out i was in hs and still am to this day #and even then i protect so much of my identity to make my life easier #it's tough #if you've read all these tags i'm impressed #and i'm giving you a little kiss on the nose #ramblings #don't rb #dlt ltr

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi, big fan of your ace and aro art!

Genuine question here: How do you maintain a long distance relationship with your QPP (queerplatonic partner)?

Hey! Thank you so much for the kind words, that means a lot TwT

Regarding your question, apologies for the long shit incoming in advance, I'll probably share way more than what's needed, but anyway:

OK, to be honest, I should mention that I'm used to long-distance in most of the relationships in my life anyway, so that's kinda my bread and butter. I was bullied in my small town schools and later I went on to study foreign languages, so all of that created circumstances that made it natural for me to create real friendships mostly with people online or in foreign countries. I've always been more of a "next country rather than nextdoor" type of person to begin with, and my partner was no exception I guess.

We got to know each other online, so we were sort of used to the bulk of our relationship being online when we decided to be in a QPR. It was my partner's suggestion before we even got to meet IRL, and to be honest I'd never had a romantic or queerplatonic partner before and didn't fully grasp what it meant at the time, but it sounded nice, so I went for it! We met up IRL in 2018, a couple months after that (I was meeting up IRL for the first time with another friend who also happened to live in the area, in retrospect I really appreciate everyone's patience as I imposed a double visit and splitting my time in two between them TwT) and at that time it only cemented how much of a vibe it was.

After that, I was saving to visit them again in 2020, but... Y'know, the shit happened. The US (where my partner lives) enforced a travel ban on my country and several others that lasted until November 2021. It was incredibly hard during those times. We called very often, but since I'd been all riled up on the idea of hugging them again, and I was very affection-deprived because no one was allowed to see anyone or touch anyone (and that was pretty heavily monitored by cops for quite a while in my country), it wasn't enough for me to feel OK. The only way one could travel from a banned coutry to the US was to stay 14 days in a non-banned country and then travel from there – which I ended up doing in mid-2021 because I was basically going nuts. It was pretty damn expensive, but since nothing had been allowed for a while it's not like I'd spent my money on much, so I had savings, and I needed to prove myself that I could do it. We reunited IRL then for a good week. Then, because they'd fairly recently got a job (which meant more income for travel) and because US citizens WERE allowed to travel to banned countries, THEY visited me in September 2021 (and we formally promised to marry each other someday then, so even travel bans couldn't separate us in the future).

Despite all that, come late October 2021 and with no end in sight for the travel ban, I'd completely spiralled into despair over our future again. The travel ban and other restrictions made seeing each other so much harder and it was seriously taking a toll. Despite everything we'd managed that year, at that time, it felt so hard I was having serious self-endangering thoughts for the first time in my life, and I wanted to give up. That lasted about a couple days until I talked about it to them over videocall and heard their words of support and saw their face and got all angry like "fuck no, they can't take that away from me". So, because they're who they are, and because of extra support from some friends which meant a lot, despite everything, we didn't give up.

Now I'm free to travel to them again so honestly? Maintaining a long-distance relationship feels really easy right now. We text every day, videocall at least once a week and send each other care packages with gifts for our birthdays, holidays and special occasions. (Our time zone difference is 9 hours, which is convenient, cus when I wake up they're more or less about to go to bed so we can chat for a bit, when my workday is over theirs hasn't started yet, and when they're having lunch I'm having dinner, so we often share meals and watch stuff together over video calls.) We're both working adults with a stable source of income, which definitely plays into a lot, cus that means we're much more free to save up and make plans to visit each other – and by god ever since 2021 we've been making much more frequent plans, as of today we have 3 meetups more or less planned, one of them coming up this month actually, so that's pretty great^^

I do live in fear of another travel ban coming out of nowhere, so I do hope we can marry someday – though that'll be its own whole can of worms in terms of coming-out and immigration hardships, but we're determined to work through it. We're determined not to be long-distance forever. Kinda sucks that we have to go through something as amatonormative as marriage to achieve that, but also, ehh, y'know what, if that means someday I get to hang out with them in person everyday, it ain't that bad. It's a means to an end. And I guess it's a cute idea in a way.

...Welp that was way too long. tl;dr it's not easy every day. Some circumstances out of your control can really put you through the ringer sometimes. But on the flip side that means you get out of it stronger and the whole thing's kind of a virtuous circle. The more you fight for it, the more precious it is to you, and the more precious it gets to you, the more you want to fight for it. Kinda comes naturally to me at this point, so, I guess, don't make it a chore. It never felt like one to me. It's all a treasure if anything.

#alright i'll shut up #anon #long distance relationship #queerplatonic relationship #tw sui ideation #tw bullying mention

[risingshards]

I've been hovering around a subscriber number and it's been going up and down a bit and cuz it went down a chunk today I'm a lil anxious, I worry about everything constantly so this probably isn't a big deal, but instead of dwelling on it I'm gonna try and self promote and maybe overcome this subscriber hurdle! So Self Promo Saturday in addition to Storyteller Saturday? Is that a thing already?

Anyways, if you've followed me for a while you've probably seen me talk about my main series, Rising Shards!

Rising Shards is my passion project, a super long web novel that updates Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. It's always tough for me to explain it, but in short it's part fantasy series, part slice of life, part comedy, part adventure, part romance. It's got a huge cast of characters that a vast majority of are queer!

What's life like in a world where monster folks called Cani are as normal as rainy days? What's it like to juggle learning how to use your powers on fantasy adventures with taking tests and giving speeches in class? How about balancing having crushes and getting over breakups with growing tails or having full on werewolf moments? That's what Zeta Faleur, a trans girl getting over a bad breakup, has to do when her fangs come in and she has to go to a Cani school.

Other main characters have to deal with similar issues as well. Zeta's best friend Oka, a kindhearted girl with a troubled upbringing struggles to fit in at school, gets her first crush around the same time she gets her first role in a school play. Kalei, a snarky gamer jock, begins to find her own identity and all the angst and joy that comes with it. Lillia, a by the books honor student, goes through as many crushes as she gets good grades, but what happens when someone finally likes her back? Longtime friends Aira and Laenie face off with the prospect of drifting apart, while similarly close besties Iris and Maia deal with getting closer. Marmalade, a trans girl who is a late transfer to Rising Shards, strains with self doubt and acceptance. Roux goes on a gender focused journey and finds confidence in themselves. Zeta's older sister Stella starts crushing on Zeta's teacher, Dr. Evy Diast, but are there sparks between them? (given that these two also have an 18+ side series which can be read here, the answer is probably yes).

And that's just a chunk of the characters, yes there are somehow more, including wizards, pop stars, goofy principals, princesses, wannabe hall monitors, filming experts, coffee lovers, gambling obsessed gremlins, mean girls, exes, and enemies! I love stories with a huge cast of characters and actually spent time in college getting my writing degree writing essays about series that juggle tons and tons of characters. For the others, you'll have to read the series to meet them! :)

If the length of the series is intimidating (understandable!), I like to think of it like a TV show or a long manga or light novel series. It may be a ton of chapters and words and such, but they're split up into episodes and seasons, so each chunk of episodes is a complete little arc like a TV episode, and each season completes a big story. With such a huge cast and the way I pace the story, I try to use the space I have to the fullest to spend lots and lots of time with the characters.

If you wanna check the series out, it'd mean the world to me. And big bonus if you subscribe as well. :) If Tapas isn't your jam, Rising Shards is also available on Scribble Hub!

Art for Rising Shards is done by the wonderful Flopicas!

#rising shards #chiral writes #hopefully turning anxiety into something productive #instead of dwelling like oh god why so many unsubs AHHHH #unsubs happen it's fine i will survive #girls love #yuri #yuri web novel #lesbian web novel #lesbian fiction #lgbtq writing #lgbt writers #writeblr #i will do a post for reborn soon maybe too

[good-girl-gen]

frozen

(diary entry written 2024-03-15) 

This'll be a long one because Miss Amber and I had the chance to talk multiple times! I want to focus on one particular interaction, but there are a few things worth mentioning otherwise. 

We played a group game together a couple nights in a row and it had been long enough since we'd talked that I started to doubt the trigger she implanted in me in the last call would still work. The memory of it was becoming weaker, and when I looked it up out of curiosity two weeks seemed to be a good ballpark figure for an unreinforced one. 

Then immediately before we were supposed to hop on call with a couple other people, she called me "to show me something," (sigh, I'm dumb) and tested it. It worked. She bailed to join the call with the larger group, leaving me stubbornly waiting to be released and sending her irritated/pouty messages until she relented and we got on with playing.

*Of course* that wasn't the end of it and she kept messing with me the rest of the evening. She most notably quieted me in front of a mutual friend of ours (who is aware of our dynamic). Fun night overall and not even close to the meanest thing I'll be writing about. 

A few days later we had intended to try a couple other hypnosis things, but we ended up just chatting because... well, it was late before we were able to start and I had fallen asleep, honestly. I woke up in time to catch her a bit, and I'm glad I did because the call was lovely. 

Since Miss Amber learned the trigger still worked I spent a lot of the time as a silent pet, sitting at her command and nodding or shaking my head at her prompting. She was talkative in my stead, and... sometimes she just had this look of... I don't know how to put it. I got this sense of complete untouchable confidence from her that made me feel extremely comfortable to be submissive, I think. I was just flatly pleased that she was the one in charge, adoring - she even asked me at some point whether I wanted my words back and *I shook my head no*. 

I'll be driving out to meet with Miss Amber soon, and that call was the first time we'd spoken privately since setting a date. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous but that interaction really helped relieve it for me. She said some very kind things about me and although I don't think I can bring myself to repeat them she had me agreeing at the time. 

The call the night after was the one where we got into more hypnosis experimentation. I was very quickly nude and kneeling for her; I don't know what it was but I felt it particularly that time, just... more naked than naked, somehow. Very aware of my body. Not in a negative way, just feeling sensitive. 

 She then gave me *exactly one sentence* to beg to see her body too, and allowed me some time to think about what I was going to say. I expressed my earnest desire to worship her as well as I could and Miss Amber was happy with it. 🥰

Eventually she had me get comfortable to induce me into hypnosis. I'd made some improvements to my environment from lessons learned the previous time, not to get too into the weeds - but it did feel just that little bit smoother. She walked me through a visualization of being clutched in her hands like a doll, held against her body and carried slowly down a spiral staircase until I was gone. 

(As an aside, I was wearing my heart monitor at the time and I can point out on the history when this happened because my heart rate dropped notably below my normal resting rate! Science.)

This time the goal was to implement a trigger that would freeze my body below the neck, something we'd worked out the desired mechanics for earlier in what is among the most surreal conversations I've had in my life. It was a similar prompting to the previous one with the voice, to manifest the ability of autonomy as a physical thing that she could take from me. This one I imagined as being jammed into the base of my skull and wriggled out like a loose brick.

It worked pretty well too, and for the trigger she assigned a gesture rather than a voice command, something she told me this makes her feel more divine and I'm more than happy to oblige. (The release is of course vocal for safety and logistics.) She toyed with me just a bit before moving on, but checked in that I wasn't too anxious about it - the initial feeling of helplessness was a little extreme, although I had some familiarity already from the voice trigger. The body sensation was similar too. I thought it might feel like an outside force, but it didn't: there was a wire snipped somewhere between my brain and my body.

We moved into an attempt at memory manipulation around this point as well, but long story short it wasn't initially effective. I have more thoughts on it that I may write out separately to avoid bogging this down.

After that I had been taken a bit out of the play mindset. Miss Amber quickly had me back to kneeling, locked me there (mildly uncomfortably), took my voice, gave it back for fifteen seconds to beg to cum that evening and counted down the whole time. So. That fixed it.

I was in a surprised panic and didn't beg well. This earned me a dressing-down that left me cringing, bad girl, bad pet, bad puppy... she had me repeat that I was a bad girl, something I desperately did not want to do, but the tone she commanded with left me completely compliant. It was the only thing I was allowed to say. This is also not the meanest thing I'll be writing about. 

It gets fuzzy here for me. At some point I was allowed to change position from kneeling and I saw redness beginning to develop from the hard floor. I sincerely can't remember much immediately prior to it, but later I was allowed to move again to the couch (... leaving behind a wet spot on the blanket I was kneeling on...) so I could touch myself and this part *is* the meanest thing I'll be writing about.

Unsurprisingly she gave the freeze gesture while I had my hand between my legs. Honestly, if she hadn't I would've suspected she'd been replaced by a bodysnatcher.

What surprised me was when she cut off my whining by also taking my voice and then proceeded to leave me like that for nearly ten minutes. And I wasn't *just* left there: she openly ignored me and fooled around on her phone, only giving me the occasional glance and telling me that I was allowed to finish *if I could*. 

Fucking of course I couldn't! Frustration and desperation alternated and built precipitously. I watched her, watched the clock, gasped and panted to the point I parched myself while trying to either move or speak. But what was my will next to hers? Nothing.

Eventually she rolled her eyes (help) and allowed me to speak again and I don't even remember entirely what I said but I do remember it flooded out like reservoir water past a broken dam and no shame or self-consciousness could stay the flow even a little and FUCK I needed to cum SO FUCKING BADLY AND - well. I hardly had to touch myself more when she gave me permission. 

Afterwards I was stiff, sore from holding (being held in?) a few awkward or difficult positions. It persisted the day after as a pleasant little reminder. I can't believe I'll be seeing her in less than a week.

#bd/sm diary entry #bd/sm wlw #wlw nsft #bd/sm sapphic #hypnok1nk #bd/sm blog #sapphic nsft

[mingos]

For the question about my character meme, how do you personally think Doffy felt about the situation when he was a child and St Homing decided to give up his status to live with the common folk. We saw how badly they were treated, but I'd like your opinion on how it personally affected Doffy, if you don't mind?

　oh, it psychologically fucked him up. no doubt. not even just the beatings & extreme poverty that would come later, i'm talking everything about that situation from start-to-finish. (before i start, just to be clear, this is not a 'uwu poor doffy uwu' analysis, this is a child psychology analysis.)

-

i know his shock & anger at the beginning before anything 'bad' happened was meant to illustrate "see, he's always been an evil little shit" but honestly, his base reaction is perfectly within the realms for a kid who has had his entire life & belief system essentially just upended. he wasn't an adult with a fully developed brain, he was a child with a child's brain. eight years old is actually around the time kids start thinking logically & understanding the world around them on a deeper level.

picture it: you're essentially one of the richest, most powerful children in the world, raised in an environment where you are deified & you can do no wrong, that everyone beneath you (humans) is less than dirt (whether that's right is not the point) and one day your dad is like... "hey, i want to be that". and you overhear your peers mocking your dad and essentially kicking you all out of your home and forcing you to move to an unfamiliar environment. like, moving schools as a child, but worse.

you've also been conditioned to think you are entitled to anything you want, and are allowed to be as nasty as you want to humans without consequence. but, suddenly, not only are they not serving you anymore... the moment you talk to these humans the way you have been conditioned by the adults in your life to talk to them when they 'disrespect' youーthey burn down your new house & start threatening to murder you. they are essentially in the position you used to be in now.

-

yeah sure "taste of your own medicine" and all thatーbut doflamingo is eight. he barely knows what that even means, at that age children are still learning basic concepts of morality & social norms, and at that point basically every social norm doflamingo has been conditioned into for those first eight years of his life were turned on their head & now all the sudden he was punished for believing them rather than praised. for the first time in his life, he's starving. for the first time in his life, he's been hit. he's poor. he's forced to wear rags. nothing he has been taught makes sense anymore.

also, at that age, your world tends to revolve around one thingーyour parents. they understand the roles of "child" and "adult" and understand that the adult's purpose is to give them guidance & protect them. homing, in doflamingo's eyes, did the opposite. he put them in harms’ way. another thing in his world that has been proven totally wrong.

-

child brains generally do not handle stress or trauma well; i forget the exact wording or study so don't quote me, but i've read articles over the years that make the argument that children who grow up in violent home environments (like witnessing/being subjected to domestic violence) or split home environments (like parents undergoing a messy divorce) essentially can have levels of ptsd equivalent to war veterans.

(on a personal note) as a very ill child who spent my first 12 years in & out of hospitals, i have medical ptsd; just hearing a heart rate monitor, seeing a needle, or smelling that very specific 'hospital' or 'anesthesia' smell is enough to give me a panic attack sometimes, even at 27.

that kind of trauma really does stick with youーeverything goes back to your childhood.

　taking his power back was, in part, to ensure that nothing close to that ever happens to him again.

#‘ 007. ’ (headcanons) #child abuse // #poverty // #medical //

[run-sam-run]

Discussing Goals

So earlier I discussed the purpose of this blog, and I talked briefly about the goals I've set out to improve my life in the calendar year of 2023. I wanted to take a deeper dive looking at my goals for the year, mostly as they pertain to my physical and mental health. I've broken my goals out into six overarching goals for the year, and have created smaller goals for the short and mid-term to help me keep in line with my yearly goals.

So let's discuss my goals!

I am going to lose 30 lbs. I once talked to a person who had lost a large sum of weight and when I was talking to them about their goals and commending them for their weight loss, I had asked 'what would you like your weight to be?', they responded with a definite 'I am going to lose XXlbs' rather than the conventional 'I'm trying'. I felt in that moment that a more stern, rigid and determined approach to weight loss would leave me less room for failure, and would set me off on the right foot of creating a determined mindset to lose weight. My goal is to lose 30lbs by the end of the year, hopefully more, but as a start 30lbs. My starting weight was 230 on 1/1/2024, so my goal weight for the year is a minimum of 200lbs by 12/31/2024. My overall health and fitness goals are to reach 180-190lbs ultimately, but I felt that 30lbs in a calendar year was respectable, but doable, while still leaving me room to lose more.

Run a 22 Minute 5k. I started losing weight by running a 5k program, and since then I've always kept the mindset that I'd like to be able to consistently run a 5k at a moment's notice with little to no conditioning to get back in shape. Now, a 5k is the minimum distance I run and in the past few years I've whittled down my 5k time from 27L30 to 25:30, and I've even challenged myself to run a 10k in less than one hour. I've found that I lose weight more easily when I have a fitness related goal, so rather than focusing on more distance, I've decided to focus on faster times. After a quick Google search I found that in the running community, for my height and age, a 22m 5k is considered an intermediate runner. If I run this pace, I'm no longer a beginner, or a long-time distance runner who does the bare minimum, but someone who has dedicated enough time and effort to break into a higher echelon of runners.

Drink Less! I spent 2023 tracking my drinking habits, and what I had found at the end of the year was I drank far more than I was happy with. The COVID pandemic had made virtual happy hours and drinking while gaming much more comfortable for me and my friends, and although the world had opened back up, by 2023 I was still drinking with a high frequency and with some high quantities as well. My goal in 2023 was to monitor and make changes, but 2024 is to reduce it drastically. I had found that my drinking over the course of 2023 resulted in a few extra thousands of dollars going to bars and distributors, and roughly 141,000 calories added to my diet over the course of the year. Going from a systematic color coding calendar to actually calculating averages and seeing the figures was eye opening, and I'm making a much more concerted effort to reduce how much I drink in a sitting and just as importantly how often I drink. This is less of a hard, quantifiable goal, but nonetheless easy to observe.

Be More Mindful, and Be More Outdoorsy! I am a very outdoorsy person. I love to fish, hunt, camp, hike and just spend as much time as I can outside. I also struggle with anxiety and depression, and find that the more I bury myself in mindless activities like scrolling, videogames, TV, movies, and screens, the less focused, cognizant and aware I am. I paired these two goals together because I felt they went hand in hand, most of my attempts to be more mindful involve putting down the phone and going outside for fresh air, so it felt fitting to put them together. Ways I've decided to quantify these goals include scouting for public lands to hunt, getting out and hiking, camping, fishing and scouting more frequently this year, and reducing screentime using apps like ScreenZen to limit how much I can use my favorite scrolling apps like Reddit and Instagram. While this might not be directly related to my physical fitness, the indirect improvements to physical fitness that usually come with the outdoors, as well as the mental health boosts I would get are likely to pay dividends on my exercise routine and weight loss journey. I feel that it's important to find any and all lifestyle changes that just make your weight loss journey easier, and this is definitely one for me.

I'll document my last two goals below, but full disclosure they're just goals for me personally that don't involve physical fitness in any regard. The more I keep up with this personal improvement blog, the more I feel I'll touch on productivity goals and financial goals, so I'll include them here and discuss them as time goes on--albeit less frequently than the above goals.

5. Learn SQL/Python. I've always wanted to learn a coding language, and in my current role both SQL and Python would be immensely helpful for me to learn. I will likely prioritize SQL right now, as I have some monetary incentives from my workplace to pursue certification in SQL and SSRS, but ultimately any programming proficiency is a win for me. I've started researching certification courses online, as well as free online coding practice like CodeAcademy.

6. Save more, spend less! Lastly is a financial goal. Mostly I'd like to spend 2024 reeling in my spending, getting a budget set that is realistic and allows me to save up a lot of money over the next year. My goal is to get an emergency fund established and move onto saving for my wedding and a future house!

#health #health and wellness #health & fitness #fitness #exercise #lifting #lifestyle #health and fitness #running #goals

[eddiemunson-thehero]

hey there I've an idea for a bucky request, just an idea though if you don't wanna write it that's completely fine! : ) so im thinking super angst with a sprinkle of fluff maybe? bucky either has a nightmare or some type of episode as the winter solider and attacks reader but doesn't remember doing it, then when he sees reader again he keeps pestering her asking what happened to her bcuz he can see that she's injured. she doesn't want him to feel bad so she tries her best not to tell him but he keeps asking and wanting to talk to her to see if she's okay and she eventually tells him that he did it

Why of course! I hope this is something along the lines of what you requested. I ended up getting a bit carried away hahaha.

Here is Line Without A Hook

You, Bucky, and the rest of the team had just returned from a grueling mission infiltrating a Hydra base in Russia. To be expected Bucky was a bit shaken by being back there, he was quiet most of the ride back in the Quinjet. Deciding that a nice scalding long shower would not only ease your tension but also Bucky’s, you began to light sweet smelling candles along the sink and warm two towels in the dryer.

“Bucky come here my love,” you called out as you were discarding your tactical gear and stepping into the shower. After a few minutes of no response from your blue-eyed lover, you peek your head around the shower curtain, glancing around the room in search of Bucky. Not being able to find him made your heart drop to the depths of your body, slipping out of the shower, wrapping your body in a towel, setting off to find him.

When you enter your shared bedroom that is attached to the bathroom your nerves settle, finding your lover stationed stagnant on the bed as if he had fallen asleep sitting up. You walk over and place your hand on his shoulder, only to be met with his metal hand gripping your wrist, twisting your arm behind your back and up against his chest. 

“Bucky what’s going on?” you question, confused by the sudden force of violence he has used upon you. Apparently talking to him wasn’t the right move, seeing as you were now being shoved face-first against your bedroom wall, picture frames falling down from the force, glass shattering around the two of you. Gashes and cuts litter your face as blood begins to trickle down, seeping its way onto the white towel.

Your blood begins to run cold, soon realizing what exactly was going on, the mission had affected Bucky more than he had let on, more than you had realized. Being back in the cold of Russia, in the Hydra base had weakened Bucky, letting The Winter Soldier take main control of his mind and body. Struggling against the grasp that he had on you was no use, as the Soldat roughly turns you around shoving your back against the wall, bringing his metal appendage to wrap around your throat. Before his grasp became too tight you let out a blood-curdling scream, hoping someone would hear and come to your rescue. Black spots begin to speckle across your vision, breathing becoming more ragged as your limp body falls from the grasp of your lover.

________________________

Bright shining lights, hushed conversations, and the scent of sterilized tools are what you awoke to. Blinking slowly, allowing your eyes to adjust to the light you saw that you were in the infirmary located in the compound. Steve and Nat were at the door, indulging in a hushed conversation that you weren’t able to make out. Gently raising your body to sit up caused alarms to sound on the countless monitors that you were hooked up to, which made Steve and Nat’s heads whip around to see your terrified eyes.

Steve rushed to your side, “Y/N, are you okay? How are you feeling?”

You opened your mouth to speak, only to realize the tightness and dryness in your throat. Slowly you reached over to grasp the cup of water next to your bed, bringing it to your lips carefully, gulping down its contents quickly. “I’m okay, what happened” you rasped.

“You don’t remember?” Nat questioned, leading you to shake your head no. “Bucky attacked you, something from the mission…” she hesitated, “caused him to lose control on his mind and body, allowing for the Winter Soldier to resurface.” 

“Where is he?” you didn’t care what had happened to you, bruises and cuts would heal with time, the emotional turmoil this would cause Bucky would simply break him. You needed to get to him before he realized what the Winter Soldier had done to you, ripping out your IV and removing your nose cannula, you swung your legs over the edge of the bed ready to find him.

Steve grasped your arm, pulling you back into bed, “He’s in bed, he hasn’t woken up yet, he doesn’t know…” 

“Don’t tell him,” you begged, “Please don’t tell him, he will never forgive himself, let me handle it.” Steve and Nat shared a concerning glance between each other before slowly nodding, knowing that if and when Bucky finds out what happened, he would never forgive himself and would surely disappear. 

After a few hours of tests, you were discharged and were able to go back to your room. Walking down the hallway your breath hitched as you hesitated opening up the door to your shared bedroom with your lover. Hearing his soft snores is what pulled you from the trance, twisting the knob and slipping in quietly. Discarding your clothing in the laundry basket, you crawled your way into bed, next to the man you recognized, smiling peacefully to yourself, you know in your heart that you two will be able to overcome this, as long as he never finds out he was the one to inflict so much harm upon you.

____________________________

The next morning you awoke to soft feather-light kisses being pressed along your spine. Contently you rolled over to snuggle closer to the warmth that radiated off of Bucky, welcoming arms encased you bringing you closer to his chest. Opening your eyes and slowly looking up at Bucky, you heard him inhale harshly, eyes filled with terror and worry. “What the hell happened to you doll?” he stuttered.

“Oh you don’t remember?” you questioned hesitantly, “I got caught up during the mission, some Hydra agents got to me but, you rescued me, my knight in shining armor you.” Letting out a breath you did not know you were holding, you stared at Bucky, praying to God that he believed you.

“No, I don’t remember that, I don’t remember much of the mission…” he trailed off, looking at you questionably. Slowly removing yourself from his grasp, you left the warmth of your bed, extending a hand out to him. “Come on, let's go eat,” you whispered, hoping he would drop the subject. Bucky intertwined his hand with yours, pulling himself out of bed, trekking down the hall to the kitchen where Steve, Nat, and Tony were chatting over breakfast.

“Good morning everyone,” cheerfully you skipped over to the fridge to get out the jam while Bucky grabbed the bread and peanut butter for your breakfast meal.

“Y/N what the hell happened to you?” Tony gasped when your mangled neck and face came into view.

“Oh nothing, just a few scratches from the mission, don’t worry I’m okay,” you replied, hoping everyone would just drop the subject.

“It wasn’t on the debrief, I read it just a few moments ago, care to explain this?” you felt four sets of eyes on you as you slowly turned around, hesitating on your next sentence you locked eyes with Nat and Steve wordlessly begging them for their help.

“Doll…” Bucky moved slowly near you, grabbing both of your hands, pulling you to look at him but, you couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. Steve and Nat ushered Tony out of the kitchen with hushed whispers. A metal hand reached under your chin, lifting it and making you hold eye contact with Bucky. You open your mouth to start to try and explain but nothing comes out as tears slip down your cheeks. That was an answer enough for Bucky, to realize that the gashes and cuts on your face, the bruise that cascaded down your neck was him. “Did I…” Bucky’s eyes shifted to the floors, dropping your hands from his as he began to step back from you.

“Buck, honey it’s okay I’m okay,” you rushed out moving towards him, which only caused him to back himself up against the wall away from you. “It wasn’t you, this wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know how going there would affect you, no one could have predicted this.” As soon as those words slipped from your lips he was gone, rushing away from you. 

_________________________

You didn’t see Bucky for the rest of the day, you decided to give him the space he needed, hoping that by the end of the night he would come back to you. Wait, that was all you were able to do. When dusk fell your day spent walled up in your room became unbearable, you slipped out of bed, letting your legs carry you to the living room of the compound where you found Steve. Sitting next to him startled him, causing him to look up at you with glossy bloodshot eyes.

“Steve, where’s Bucky?” you question, unsure why the soldier broke down in front of you. Mindlessly you wrapped your arms around him, cooing gently to him.

“He’s gone…” he muttered, “Bucky left this afternoon, to Wakanda.” Steve glanced up at you to see a play-by-play of your heart-shattering. “Shuri said she could get the Winter Soldier program out of him within some time, so he left.”

Wordlessly you curled into Steve’s arms, slowly realizing that the love of your life left you, without even saying goodbye or a promise of returning.

#bucky barnes fluff #soft bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky imagine #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes angst #marvel #sebastian stan #sebastian stan fluff #seb stan #tfatws

[opalimagines]

Request: Hi Love, I read your works and I really like your writing. I was wondering if I could request Henry confessing his feeling to what he thinks is an asleep reader. Like after a mission gone bad they’re in the infirmary or whatever and Henry starts rambling about how much he cares about them. But they woke up as soon as he started monologuing and wait until he’s done to say “I feel the same” and he just about falls over. Idk I thought it would be cute

Requested by @writing2sirvive

Reader: Neutral

Henry had been sitting in the infirmary for hours just waiting. He didn't even change out of his costume after the mission so he was still dirtied and bloodied, but he didn't care. What mattered was that you were the one laying in the bed in front of him. You were the one that almost died.

During the fight, he and the others were too late to help you and you were on death's door before they knew it. Beth kept you stable long enough to get you back to JSA headquarters and reassured everyone that you would live, yet Henry was still feeling sick. Sitting in that chair and listening to the noise of the monitors, it reminded him of visiting his father in the hospital years before. How he'd been so scared that he would never wake up from his coma.

Henry hesitantly reached out and took your hand with both of his. "I'll stay here until you wake up. I promise."

He sat there for a while, gently rubbing his thumb along your skin. As he did, he remembered something that one of the nurses told him during the coma. She had said that if he talked to his father, he would hear it and be comforted even though he was unconscious. Henry didn't believe that at the time, only seeing it as something that was meant to make him feel a little better. He still didn't think it was real, but he talked to you anyway.

Henry looked down at your joined hands. "You know, you've been the one for me ever since we were kids. Even when I dated other people, and when I pushed you away and stopped being your friend. It was always you and I didn't even know it." His eyes stung with more tears at the thoughts of the past and how much he'd hurt you and others. The last few years were spent trying to atone for it all, but he still had so much guilt.

"I've never told you before because...well, how could you love someone like me? But it's okay, because I don't care what we are to each other as long as you're in my life. I love you and I always will."

The realization that he hadn't told you yet and how he'd gotten so dangerously close to never having the chance made the tears fall even faster. The sound of your voice quickly distracted him from the thought.

"Henry?"

His head snapped up instantly to see you looking back at him, seeming barely conscious. He didn't even care to wonder if you'd been awake for his confession, he just beamed with joy. "Y/N? You're awake!"

You nodded and winced in pain. In spite of that, you smiled back. "And by the way, I love you too."

Your words hit Henry like a freight train and if it hadn't been for your tired smile, he would've thought he heard you wrong. You could practically feel his shock and relief when the words sank in. Henry let out a soft laugh and lifted your hand so he could kiss the back of it.

You were awake and well and that was what mattered most. The fact that you loved him in return was just the cherry on top, and the two of you would have to discuss it once you were fully recovered. Until then, Henry was more than happy to stay by your side.

#henry king jr imagine #henry king jr x reader #dc x reader #dc comics imagine #dc imagine #stargirl x reader #stargirl imagine #my fics**

[mythicamagic]

Childhood: a Kohrin oneshot

Summary: Two teenagers sneak off one night to the beach, reflecting on their pasts. Despite the grim subject, Rin somehow always manages to make him smile. Kohaku x Rin oneshot

3,000 words

Childhood

Laughing, racing, tumbling, grinning. Gaped teeth, freckles, dirt between toes, teasing brothers, sunbathing, cool creaks, bare feet and squawking kappas. The scatter of petals and grass kicked into the air, the scent of campfires, sunflowers, crispy fish and cooking fungi. Assuring golden eyes keeping vigilance over her sleep, along with the steady rhythmic breathing of a two-headed dragon keeping her warm. These are all the things Rin chose to remember about childhood.

She remembered and kept them close, especially at night, gliding through memories masquerading as dreams.

In the years after travelling with the stoic lord and staying with Kaede at her village, her limbs had changed- becoming gangly, form lean and growing with burgeoning maturity. She'd adapted to her environment, forming strong friendships with her mentor and the Inutachi. However, despite her days being spent in quiet happiness, she couldn't help but notice a few things. A perpetual absence. A certain searching look in Sango's eyes whenever she glanced up from monitoring her three children to stare off into the trees.

Tossing and turning beneath the covers, Rin frowned in her sleep.

One person who remained elusive in both her dreams and the waking world was-

A crooning noise startled her upright, brown eyes flying wide. Stumbling from her futon and hurrying from Kaede's hut, she peered out into the night inquisitively.

From within the forest, she could see a faint orange glow peeking out between the trees. Tightening her sleeping yukata around her, Rin's lips pursed. She then stubbornly sought out the glow, bare feet padding over cool dirt.

She found him, as predicted, watching Sango's hut.

Kohaku stood, a little further along into his maturity than her. Even the dense shadows couldn't quite hide the changes in his height and features. Rin stopped the second he caught notice of her- a telltale wariness gripping him a moment before recognition painted his face.

"Rin," he said with relief, tone soon slipping into a resigned reprimand. "What're you doing out so late? You should be asleep."

"So should you," she smiled easily, rocking on her heels. She gave a wave to Kirara, who hopped onto Kohaku's shoulder after transforming into a small version of herself and mewling. "It's a strange hour for you to come back. Sango won't be able to greet you with a lively smile-" lively chatter broke off the second she noticed the older boy direct his gaze to his feet. "Oh… unless… you don't plan on staying long?" Rin murmured. Again.

For some reason, it was always the same with him. Lord Sesshoumaru's brief visits didn't bother her in the least. He barely had a connection to the village. But Kohaku? He should've been there, stayed there. She knew Sango missed him terribly but he barely made time to visit.

However, she didn't voice any of this. She'd done so before, and Sango's assurances never seemed to help him. Guilt continued to gnaw like an infected wound at her friend.

Rin observed his freckled face in the torch light, seeing the emotions swimming within vibrant brown eyes.

"You know I would if I could. But…" the silence of the forest swallowed up the remainder of what he wanted to say. Rin shifted her bare feet, drawing closer and taking his coarse, demon-slaying hand.

"Let's go somewhere."

"Huh?"

"I want to go to the beach," she said decisively, as though he had no say in the matter. Kohaku supposed he didn't when she got like this. "Come on, Kaede says the ocean air is good for you. Hurry, before everyone wakes up," Rin tugged on his hand.

Kohaku smiled slightly, giving in far too easily.

---

Kirara touched down on sandy shores an hour later, allowing them to slide off her back. Rin stretched and sucked in a long breath of salty sea air.

"Ahh! Now isn't that better?" she grinned.

Kohaku snorted and smiled good-naturedly, looking out at the black sea with a quiet, observing look. "I haven't been to the beach in a long time."

"Why not?"

Kohaku wandered out, boots crunching on pebbles until they were cushioned by sand, leaving moonlit footprints. "I want to say I haven't had time, but that's not true," he chuckled. "It just hasn't occurred to me to go. That I'd enjoy it."

At 16, Rin still didn't feel old enough nor wise enough to understand everything. She wasn't a firecracker like Kagome had been around her age, and she didn't see herself as a warrior like Sango. However, there were some things Rin knew how to do.

Following, Rin took his hand in passing, tugging to ensure he'd stumble after her. She walked right up to the shoreline, drinking in the dark, hushed atmosphere only broken by the sound of waves crashing against rocks.

"Take off your boots."

Kohaku blinked, raising a brow. His lips quirked, "you sure are bossy today."

Giggling, she wriggled bare toes into the sand- squealing when the cool tide rushed in and splashed about her ankles before drawing back. "You used to walk around barefoot all the time, just like me."

"When I was a kid," he reminded her.

"Are you implying something?" Rin huffed. "I'll tell Uncle Inuyasha you said that."

"No, I wasn't trying to say-" his hasty words cut off, noting her mischievous expression. Kohaku smiled and leaned down as though to take off his boots- suddenly thrusting his hands into the surf and splashing her.

Shrieking and gasping, Rin gaped with surprise- soon grinning viciously wide and leaping towards him. Kohaku quickly dodged. He began running, hotly pursued by the petite young woman. An unexpected noise rang out into the night. Boyish, happy laughter.

Earthy brown eyes widened and even as Rin sprinted, panting, she drank in the sound of Kohaku laughing. How strange, rare and wonderful it was.

Running fast and putting all her energy into her legs, Rin leapt at his back. Catching him around the middle, she collided hard against him.

With an undignified yelp from a demon slayer, Kohaku lost his footing, toppling gracelessly to the ground, kicking up sand. Giggling breathlessly, Rin spat some from her mouth and lifted her head.

"You went down easy. Are you sure you slay demons?" she teased, nestling against the warmth of his back.

Kohaku shifted, shaking sand from his ponytail and adjusting their positions so that they were facing each other, laying on their sides. He wiped his face, expression clearly trying to remain unaffected and firm- but breaking into a tender smile.

"You always do this," he mused quietly.

"Hm? I don't think I've ever tackled you into the sand before," Rin felt fairly confident about that.

"That's not what I mean, it's just that you always make me feel... something different. Something good."

"But we had that argument about how best to stew nettles the other day," she pointed out.

A chuckle escaped him, soulful gaze sober. "Even that felt good to me."

Tilting her head against the dry, soft dune, both fell silent. Despite being a chatter-box, Rin also knew when to be quiet and let him talk. Her hand inched out naturally for his, and Kohaku accepted it, grasping her palm in a way that made her feel secure and safe. They'd known each other for many years so some things came as easy as breathing. Other things, like talking about it, came slowly, painfully.

"Why won't they go away?" Kohaku murmured in a hushed tone for only her to hear. "The nightmares. The memories," his gaze shook. "I just want to stop seeing it every time I look at Sango, but its there, in the back of my mind. I don't... feel right being around my nieces and nephew."

"You're still scared you'll hurt them?" there was no judgment in her tone. Assuring him that Naraku was dead and gone didn't help. Kohaku was perfectly aware of that.

The young man ducked his head, lips thin. His larger, rougher hand in hers trembled. "What if it's still there?" he whispered. "The compulsion to hurt people. I could be living my life- I could marry-" his eyes avoided hers. "Have children, but then one day I hear his voice again and the memory is too strong to resist. I could do something awful."

Dark brows pulled together, heart-squeezing in her ribcage. She wanted to help so badly. However, there was nothing she could do but keep trying to assure him and listen. "Even if you hear him, I believe in you, Kohaku," Rin stroked a thumb over his scarred knuckles. "You'd fight it. You're getting stronger all the time."

He looked exhausted, running a hand through his hair and sighing. "I'm so tired of being scared," he mumbled, glancing wearily at her. "You're still scared too, aren't you?"

Her face lost its girlish innocence, becoming firm as she sat up. "I've told you before- I'm not afraid of you, Kohaku!" she insisted hotly. "I haven't been since I was 8!"

Kohaku shifted his muscular body, and it was times like those she noticed how much larger and different he'd become. She blushed slightly but kept her expression serious.

"I wasn't talking about that," he chuckled, gaze becoming gentle. Careful fingers minded some dark hair from her face. "Your nightmares. You still have nightmares about your childhood too, right?"

Rin blinked, feeling cold and releasing his hand to wrap both arms around herself. The brush of cool night air gliding over her skin suddenly felt a little too chilly.

A soft croon rumbled out seconds before Kirara's large form settled down behind them. Lustrous buttercup coloured fur bumped against Rin's back, and she nestled against the nekomata's side gratefully.

"We don't have to discuss it if you don't want to," Kohaku said with concern, leaning back against the demon as well.

Forcing a cheery smile, Rin shook her head. "I'm fine- I've actually come up with something that helps me sleep most nights now, and I thought it might help you too."

"What is it?"

Tilting her head back to gaze at the stars above, she smiled a little more naturally. "I think of all the good things in my childhood. Laughing, racing, tumbling, grinning. Gaped teeth, freckles, dirt between toes, teasing brothers, sunbathing, cool creaks, bare feet and squawking kappas. The scatter of petals and grass kicked into the air, the scent of campfires, sunflowers, crispy fish and cooking fungi. Assuring golden eyes keeping vigilance over my sleep, along with the steady rhythmic breathing of a two-headed dragon keeping me warm."

Kohaku stared at her with no short amount of amazement. He swallowed and looked down at the sand.

"You're strong," he breathed. "To be able to separate all the good things from the bad."

"You can do it too," grabbing his hand again, Rin inched closer with an encouraging nod. "Tell me some things you remember. Happy things."

Kohaku blushed a little at her proximity and cleared his throat, thinking. "Sango. She was always there for me."

"What else?"

His eyes seemed to haze slightly, "Father…"

"Push through it, Kohaku," she murmured. "There was a time before all the bad stuff. Was he kind?"

Kohaku blinked, firm fingers squeezing hers as he came back to himself, exhaling. He chuckled shyly, "he was a little strict, but he meant well."

Rin shifted closer, resting beside him shoulder to shoulder, knee bumping his. Kohaku rested his head back against Kirara's soft fur and began recounting things long since buried. Things he hadn't thought he could remember or appreciate anymore. The guilt was there, it always would be, but it felt further away, replaced with a bitter-sweet tang.

"Practicing, running, training, laughing, chasing yellow nekomatas," he scratched Kirara's ear. "Butterflies, bare-feet, hunting- freeing rabbits from traps because I didn't want to see them get killed. Father yelling. Father's hand gently resting on my h-head," the words stumbled. "Playing, flower gathering, flying on Kirara. The smell of the blacksmiths. Sweat. Forging weapons. Sango snoring."

Rin gasped and giggled, watching as his fingers slid through the gaps between her own.

"Warming my hands on the brazier. Talking. Listening. Stories around the campfire. Demon slayers, family," Kohaku murmured, voice thick with memories. He closed his eyes, falling silent.

"You did really well," cuddling against him, Rin pecked his cheek.

Kohaku glanced down at her, "I haven't talked about that stuff out loud before. I didn't think I could anymore."

Grinning, she put her nose in the air, imitating Jaken. "Humph well, I am rather good at talking. Getting other people to talk is my speciality ~"

Chuckling, he nudged his free hand against her forehead gently, brown eyes incredibly warm. "Can we do this again sometime? There's probably more we can remember."

Blinking, Rin gentled and squeezed his fingers, "of course we can. Anytime, Kohaku. But you know… Sango might want to hear some of this too- when you're ready," she added quickly.

His face became a touch more guarded, which broke her heart. He was so afraid of hurting Sango again. For a demon slayer, the young man was heavily weighed down by empathy.

Rin touched his freckled cheek, "Kohaku?"

He shook his head slightly and gave a smile to show he was alright. "Never mind that. How'd you get to be so brave talking about this stuff?"

Humming, she let her fingers linger, dragging down to his jaw. It looked and felt strong beneath her touch. "I probably couldn't talk about it out loud if you weren't here. You make me feel brave."

Before her fingers left his face, her hand was caught. Kohaku pushed it back to rest against his cheek, tilting his face into her palm.

"Likewise," he mumbled.

Cheeks warming, Rin felt her heart stutter and thrum wildly in her chest. It was weird. Kohaku was so incredibly dear to her. She loved being close to him, but lately, butterflies just wouldn't stop fluttering in her stomach.

Seeming to sense her confusion, Kohaku released her slack hand and gently returned it to her. He then turned to his boots and began tugging them off.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm doing as you bossily suggested earlier," standing, he gave a small smile, offering a hand down to her.

Rin accepted it, following as he walked to the shoreline. Stepping onto the wet sand, a noise of surprise and shook escaped the demon slayer as the tide rushed in.

Biting her lip, Rin tried and failed to suppress mirthful laughter. "Did you just squeal?"

"No. You're imagining things," Kohaku grinned.

The ocean lapped around their ankles, slowly receding, before sweeping a fresh wave of cool, dark water against their skin.

Kohaku gradually adjusted, looking out at the endless stretch of ocean brightened by the moon. Rin breathed in a lungful of the fresh air, slowly relaxing with him.

The tired lines beneath Kohaku's kind eyes seemed to soften, not entirely going away, but his face appeared young once more, gaining a healthy glow.

Rin held onto his hand throughout. He was the only one she felt so strangely at peace with. Lord Sesshoumaru and Kaede were protective presences, but neither really knew her, or her secrets. No one understood everything that had happened in her life, though she'd divulged some things.

She'd told Kohaku everything. When the boys at the village whispered among themselves that she was strange, a shape-shifter, a hanyou girl in disguise, Rin would smile. Because they didn't need to know or understand. Kohaku accepted her oddness, an outlier himself. Perhaps they were Hanyou children in a way.

Like Uncle Inuyasha, they didn't quite fit into human society. They were too strange. Too changed, different because of what they'd seen and experienced, never quite meshing despite their best efforts to.

But that was alright.

She'd asked Uncle Inuyasha about it once, Lord Sesshoumaru in their presence. Inuyasha had met Sesshoumaru's gaze, voice gruff.

"Well, there was no place for me, so I had to make one for myself, and then I realized, I had a place, but I was the only one in it."

Lord Sesshoumaru had seemed quiet and considering of his words.

Rin understood. Gazing at Kohaku right then, she felt he would too. The two humans who had died too young. Kohaku was part of her space, and she was in his.

Catching her eye, he smiled. Just as naturally as holding hands, he leaned down and rested their foreheads together. Rin let out a whoosh of hot air, lashes fluttering shut. The press of his head against hers felt intimate and sweet.

Slowly, she opened her eyes and shifted her head, lips inches from his, face burning. Kohaku's eyes cracked open wide, before gazing solemnly at her. He wrestled with something- and she thought he might pull away.

Kohaku then snuffed out the rest of the distance between them, lips pressing against hers in a chaste kiss.

White-hot feeling burst within the young woman like shooting stars. Butterflies turned into hummingbirds. Her lips burned.

They pulled away, both avoided each other's gazes a moment, reeling. They then caught one another's eye and slowly, shyly smiled. Because they were still the same, just a little different from before.

"Let's go back to the village," Kohaku murmured, noticing the first hues of sunlight brightening the horizon. "I think… I'll try talking to Sango."

Rin nodded, smiling with palpable relief.

He glanced at her, expression remaining vulnerable, fragile heart laid bare for her to see. Kohaku trusted her to handle it gently.

"And Rin?"

"Yes?"

He blushed slightly, squeezing her hand. "Let's come back to the beach sometime soon."

Rin's face burst into a wide grin, giggling a little breathlessly.

"I'd love to!"

---

End

#kohrin #Inuyasha #Kohaku x Rin #kohaku #Rin #inuyasha fanfiction #Fanon pairings

[fortunatelyfresco]

Rupdate (rat update) bc i have a lot of stuff to process

cw pet death if the readmore doesn't work

Found Clementine dead at the bottom of the cage last night. She looked... fine. No visible wounds, nothing twisted the wrong way. Location maybe suggested a fall, but we would have heard it. There was substrate clenched in one paw, like she'd been digging. I don't have many good pictures of her for a tribute post because she spent most of her time zooming around or (happily) nestled into hiding places. Here's a couple favorites, though. She's the blond one.

I think she might have just been older than we thought. We adopted her from a breeder who was retiring her due to her age. They rescued her, so they weren't sure either. She had no apparent health problems. I've always seen warnings that Sometimes Rats Just Die. This is our first brush with that. The timing is eerie and unfortunate only a couple days after having ʻImi put to sleep, but I don't think there's anything more to it.

Half a mind to ask the property owners about carbon monoxide monitoring bc that's the second seemingly healthy animal we've had drop dead in less than two months, but it would have killed more of the rats by now if that was the case. It's just a series of unfortunate coincidences. David's genetics were stacked against him and rats are fragile and just don't live that long.

I haven't posted much about David because it doesn't feel like he's mine to grieve, but I do miss him. I was learning how to be his friend in the way he wanted. He was hanging out with me more. So many of my pictures are just... him.

ʻImi had a mass in her stomach that the vet thought was maybe a tumor, and almost definitely inoperable. It was nice to speak to a vet who was frank and realistic about the odds without veering straight into "rats are tricky and small and i won't touch them" territory.

ʻImi was having good and bad days but it seemed like she was starting to have more bad days than good, or the bad days were getting worse. She was scrunched up in the carrier and her body was... not the right shape. I could see the vet trying to carefully guide the conversation towards euthanasia, so I brought it up first. They let me hold her. She demolished most of the treats in the carrier first. She wouldn't drink water out of a bowl but she'd lick it off my fingers. We did that for a long time while we waited for the paperwork. I didn't want her to die thirsty.

Addie's collection of reoccurring abscesses and skin problems are, the vet thinks, due to the small cyst under her arm getting reinfected over and over again. Of the three rats I brought in, he said she had the best chances of surgery fixing the problem. She's always seemed unfazed but she's a prey animal, that's what they do, so I brought her in anyway. The appointment was originally only for Bandit and ʻImi, the two emergencies, but the vets let me add a third rat. I left them a very nice review.

Bandit has a huge mass near her genitals. It started small and accompanied by discharge, and we panicked about pyometra and took her right away to a vet who looked her over, refused to test anything, and prescribed an antibiotic without weighing her.

This new vet talked to me seriously about what it might be, how to measure her quality of life, the pros and cons of surgery depending on what it actually is, and took a sample to have tested. He called me today to say he thinks it's a cyst.

I scheduled her and Addie for surgery on the same day. It's the day after we get our vaccines, so not ideal, because the mask mandate has ended here, but I asked about precautions and the vet said they're still doing curbside service and having staff wear masks. They only brought me inside last time because there was confusion about which rat was which and, reading between the lines, because he suspected we'd be euthanizing one of them.

So our remaining rats are: Bandit, Addie, Malino, Kiki, and Phantom. We are ordering more coco coir today for their digging substrate. I keep expecting to look into the cage and see someone else lying dead in the dirt. We were in the middle of a conversation when I glanced over and saw Clem lying there in the corner, too flat and too still.

I always tell people I think of the rats as a colony. As long as I have at least a couple, the colony survives. I guess this is when I find out how much I really mean that. I think it's okay to love them individually and be sad about losing them, but if it destroys me every time then I can't afford to be a rat owner. They're too fleeting for me to give my whole heart to each and every one.

#pet death cw #buffer tag 1 #buffer tag 2 #buffer tag 3 #buffer tag 4 #rats #i added image descriptions and they just. disappeared. im sorry

[meetmeatthecoda]

Lately, I've found myself drawn to stories ( and I mean drawn to as in envisioning those stories in my head, thinking them through to the very last detail, not reading, let alone writing them down, because I've long since accepted that they will never turn out quite the same on the paper ) where Red is the one who'd been seriously hurt and, therefore, rendered unconscious for an indefinite amount of time and worried Liz is the one who doesn't leave his side, hoping and praying and pleading that he would wake up. Probably, something that has to do with how unfair it is that we've seen Red keep vigil by hurt!Lizzy's side – playing music for her, holding her hand, reading to her etc. – a number of times and yet, over the course of 8 seasons, never have ever been allowed the pleasure of seeing Liz do the same for him ( not even when he was shot – because she left to retrieve the Fulcrum and couldn't come back until the fight was over – or when he was poisoned – because she'd been waiting to be cleared to see him and he ran away the moment he wasn't actively dying, because that's Red for you all ), even though she loves and cares about him as much as he loves and cares about her.

I mean, just imagine the possibilities!

Liz pacing around the waiting area of Red's mobile hospital while he's in surgery, unable to think about anything else other than how he looked – battered and broken and barely alive – when they've found him and how his head rested in her lap ( she could almost convince herself that he was merely dozing, if he wasn't so deathly pale and still and there wasn't so much blood on his clothes and her clothes and her hands and the backseat of the car ) and his hand was limp in her death grip as they rushed him to his doctors and she whispered words of reassurance and encouragement to him even though she knew he couldn't hear her and how she had to fight the instinct to curl around her lover and snarl at anyone who would come close because she can't let him be hurt further as the medics took him away from her, exchanging observations and orders that didn't sound particularly reassuring. She's also acutely aware of the fact that Red is fighting for his life – there, just a few feet away from her – and, though he's the strongest man she's ever known, he may not win, and so she makes a promise to the empty air in front of her that she will kill him herself if he dares to give up on her and Agnes like that now, when they've just reached the good, right place in their relationship, just confesses their feelings to each other. At some point, Dembe most certainly pulls Liz in for a hug, letting her cry in his shoulder, doing his best to comfort her ( even though there's nothing that can bring her more comfort than Red's hug, when he – alive and whole – wraps his arms protectively around her and holds her close and lets her hide from the whole world in his arms, his chest, his shoulder and neck – wherever she prefers to burrow her face at the time – and the memory itself makes her cry harder, because there's a possibility that he will never hug her like that again ), even though he's just as worried and scared as she is, and Mr Kaplan helps Liz clean up, washing away Red's blood from her hands and producing seemingly out of the thin air fresh clothes for her to change into.

Red, of course, pulls through the surgery, beating all odds, and Liz's heart floods with relief at the good news before sinking when the doctor explains to her and Dembe and Mr Kaplan the extent of Red's injuries and that it's impossible to say when – or even if – he wakes up.

And so the waiting game begins. Liz doesn't leave Red's side, holding his hand, stroking his knuckles with her thumb and never letting go, constantly talking to him and reading to him and even asking Dembe to bring the record player and some records from the Bethesda apartment to play to him, hoping that it would elicit some kind of response from him. Yet, as they days go by, there's not a single, smallest sign that he's aware of anything that's going on around him, that he's still there somewhere and is trying to find his way back to her, to them – he doesn't stir, doesn't so much as flutter his eyelashes, and Liz grows more desperate with each passing day, even though the doctor assures her that Red's slowly but surely improving ( but she can't see it with her own eyes, and if she can't see it, she's less likely to believe it, the more time passes with him just lying there, undisturbed by the loud, chaotic world around him ).

And then there's Agnes... While Liz keeps vigil at Red's bedside, the babysitting duties are split equally between Aram and Samar, Charlene and Cooper, Ressler and Audrey and Dembe and Mr Kaplan. Yet more often than not whoever picks little Agnes up from school and / or her ballet classes brings her over to the safe-house where Liz and Red are. She doesn't seem to be as unnerved by Red's state as her mommy is, climbing on his bed each time she visits ( after giving her mommy the biggest hug, of course ) and leaning in close to him, examining his face thoughtfully before half-asking, half-stating "He's still tired, mommy?". And Liz usually replies with a hoarse "Yes, baby" because she doesn't trust herself not to get choked up if she tries to answer more eloquently. Agnes simply nods then, satisfied with the explanation why he hasn't woken up yet, and settles against Red's side – mindful of his injuries and the spider web of wires and tubes connecting him to all sorts of monitors and machines – and either naps ( especially, on ballet classes days ) or tells her mommy and Red ( she talks to him just like Liz does much too easily – promising him to show him the new moves she's learnt when he wakes up etc. – as if she's already done that before or seen anyone else do that... unbeknownst to Liz, she did both – when Liz herself was in a coma, Agnes both saw Red talk to her mommy and was encouraged by him to talk to her, too, because it may help her mommy sleep easier and maybe she'll get better sooner and finally wake up ) about her day or does her homework or draws ( more often than not, she draws either cards for Red to read when he wakes up or just things she wants him to see ). And when the time comes for her to leave, she always kisses Red on the cheek, wishing him "sweet dreams" and to get better soon, and then gives her mommy, who tries so very hard not to tear up but fails miserably, a hug and a kiss, too, and tells her frequently that she shouldn't cry because Red is just too tired, just like she – Liz – once was, and that he just needs to sleep a bit more.

And when the door behind Agnes closes and Liz is sure her daughter won't see / hear her, she breaks down hard, in big, ugly sobs, because her little girl shouldn't be acting so naturally in this kind of situation and because she wishes so hard that Red just woke up, because she can't do this, any of this, without him.

In the end, once his body has healed itself enough and he regained enough of his strength, Red, of course, does wake up. It's a slow process, and Liz thinks she might either faint or go mad from the overwhelming feelings that are swirling inside of her when Red moves for the first time in what seems to her like forever – squeezing her hand feather-lightly – and when he leans slightly, unconsciously into her touch when she strokes his cheek – out of habit, without even expecting any sort of reaction from him and being pleasantly surprised – and when he opens his eyes for the first time – it's a brief occurrence, with his eyes slipping shut tiredly again after just a few moments, and he's still pretty much out of it, apparently, not even noticing her presence by his side, but for Liz it's a major event – and when he finally, finally looks directly at her – alive and conscious and alert – and calls her "Lizzy". He's still weak and his voice sounds terrible and Liz knows she shouldn't let all of her pent-up feelings – the fear and despair and frustration and love and relief and exhaustion – out on him like that – he's just woken up, after all – but she can't hold back the tears nor the jumbled mess of "thank you"s and "I love you"s and " "I've missed you"s and "I'm so so happy you're back" and "I was so worried" and "Don't ever scare me like that again" that spills from her lips as she leans in to kiss him lightly and give him the gentlest of hugs...

(Since I'm not a ficwriter and, therefore, have no intentions of using this pile of ideas/images/feelings myself, I wouldn't mind at all if you or any other writer drew inspiration from this rambling of mine)

Ahhhhh 😭😭😭 Are you sure you're not a fic writer, anon?? Cause this reads like some quality hurt/comfort to me!! 🥲🥲 Honestly, this is a lovely scenario to imagine & it gives me a slightly bitter sense of satisfaction to think of Liz suffering through just a fraction of the time Red spent by her side while she was in her coma... especially if it's the catalyst for fEeLiNgS to emerge tee hee bc, you're RIGHT, we were woefully deprived of those situations in the show & I'll never not be sad about it tbh. More specifically, things I love the most about this in no particular order: Liz having to "fight the instinct to curl around her lover & snarl" *swoon*, Liz swearing she will kill him herself if he dies LMAO, Dembe hugging her for comfort & Mr. Kaplan helping her get cleaned up 🥺🥺🥺, Liz playing records for Red yasss, AGNES & everyone taking turns babysitting her while she misses her Daddy desperately but deals with the situation with a maturity & grace beyond her years in an effort to help her grieving Mommy through it cool cool mkay mkay, Liz only breaking down once Agnes leaves OWWW, anddddd Liz being a blubbering mess when Red finally wakes up & calls her "Lizzie" & they kiss *whispers* it's fine, i'm fine 🙃 IN CONCLUSION, I love this anon, thank you for sharing this lovely little AU with me!! 🥰 And much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

#The Blacklist #Lizzington #Agnesgate #thoughts #headcanons #mine #ask #anon #ughhhhhhhh #this mini fic is packed with feels #and punched me right in the face #thank you for this gift anon #:') #much love!! #<3

[ineverlookavvay]

I've hung my happiness upon what it all could be

Teenage Michael wants to tell Alex his secret, but it doesn't go as planned.

Fic prompt: “There’s something you should know…”  - Day 2 of Michael Guerin Week 2020

read it on Ao3

“I’m gonna tell him.”  Michael said it firmly, like they couldn’t argue.  Max and Isobel stared at him with equal but opposing looks of anger. 

“No you’re not,” Isobel said, taking a sip of her vitamin water.  Michael swallowed the eye roll bursting to come out of him.  They were all coping with things differently: Isobel was turning into the perfect wasp-y daughter her parents had always wanted her to be, Max was lining his life with rules, and Michael was trying desperately to find something to make himself feel good for even just a moment.  And, some might argue, ruining his life in the process.

“You’re not,” Max affirmed, giving Michael one of his important, holier-than-thou looks.  Like Michael couldn’t make this decision for himself, after all he’s already given up for them. 

“It’s not your decision,” he insisted, “and I’ve already made up my mind.  I’m just letting you know as a courtesy.” 

“You can’t tell a human.”  Isobel whispered the word human like it was a slur.  “Especially now.  We made this decision as a group, remember?” 

“This isn’t some random guy, this is...it’s important.”

“Oh, it’s important?  Michael, our own parents don’t know the truth.  You know that keeping our true selves a secret is the most important thing.  You know that.”

Michael sighed.  “Yeah, I know.”  He flexed his ruined hand, wincing at the pain of the stretch.  

He wanted to tell Alex, every flash of pain in his damn hand felt like a reminder that he wanted to tell Alex, wanted to be honest about something in his life.  They’d been drifting apart, Michael knew that, and he knew why, knew that it was his fault, his failings.  Everything was going wrong—Michael didn’t have Max anymore, he didn’t have school, he didn’t have a future at all, and he had this guilt, this fear, sitting in his stomach all the time, not to mention his hand, and now it seemed like he didn’t have Alex either; he was going to just be another deadbeat cowboy without a future and with a regular booth at the bar, all the admittedly sparse love he thought he’d found would be gone.  He couldn’t lose Alex, he needed that quiet, he needed to be able to feel the way he did when Alex looked at him, like he mattered.    

What he needed was to close the widening distance, and he couldn’t very well tell the truth about why he’d been so distant, and angry, and lost.  The less pressing truth—albeit maybe the bigger truth—would have to be enough, enough to prove that Michael cared, that he didn’t want a summer thing, that he couldn’t let go.  He just needed someone to know him.  And he wanted it to be Alex.

Plus, he’d been learning to play the guitar backwards, strumming with his mind, a pick floating in front of the strings as he felt out the chords with his right hand.  The guitar he had in his possession was stolen, of course, which wouldn’t be great to lead with, but the trick was fun, and he thought once they got past the initial shock of it, Alex would like it.  And Michael desperately needed something about himself for Alex to like. 

“Do we need to remind you what happened when you lost control?  You want to risk everything and for what?”  Isobel was really growing into her adopted family, her tone straight out of Mrs. Evans’s playbook.  “Some boy who’s too much of a secret to tell us his name?  Who you won’t even talk to in a few months?”  

Michael bit his tongue so hard he could taste blood. 

Isobel’s phone rang and she got up to answer it, shooting Michael a parting look that he only forgave because it was her.  

“She’s right, though,” Max said quietly.  “You can’t tell him.” 

“Yeah, I know.”  

“What happens when he leaves for college?”  Max pressed.  “What happens when you move on and he still knows?  Every scenario ends with us on a specimen table.  You can’t tell him.”

Michael sagged as he stood, the weight of the conversation adding to everything else.  It was all too much.  “I know.”  Max nodded, like that was it, done, decided; and Michael threw one last hail Mary pass to the wind.  “What if it was Liz?  Wouldn’t you want to tell her, if it would save you from losing her?”

Max frowned, and Michael could tell he’d fucked up, hit a nerve that was too deep, and that he should have left well alone.  And it wasn’t the same, not at all, because Liz was gone and Alex wasn’t.  Because Max could get up and go to work and live his life, and Michael could only see the edge of the cliff getting closer and closer.  

“No.”  Max said, firmly.  “We can’t tell anyone.  This is a family thing, Michael.  It’s not a card you can play.  It’s our lives.”  

“Yeah.”  There was no sense arguing, they would never understand what his life was, not when their own experience was so damn rosy, and they would never understand why he had to do this.  Why he needed there to be something true in his life right now, something good. This hadn’t gone the way he wanted, but Max and Isobel never even had to know if he told Alex—Michael was sure that Alex wouldn’t tell anyone, wouldn’t betray him. 

“You wanna stay for dinner?”  Isobel asked, coming back over, her stance softening as she took in the tight shield of Michael’s body.  “Mom’s making a casserole.”

“Nah, I’m good.”  Michael shook his head and started backing up towards his truck.  He hated feeling like a charity case, hated the look in both of their eyes, the one they’d developed to hide their pity, like Michael couldn’t still see through that.  “Later.”

Inside the protection of his truck, Michael leaned his head back against the headrest and sighed.  He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but somehow he thought they’d understand, he thought they’d see how important this was, how close Michael was to drowning.  Unwittingly, he’d gone from the black sheep to the clean-up crew, the person they would only listen to when something bad was happening, something they judged important, and every other moment he was just a disappointment, the hothead who fucked it all up.  And he didn’t have to put up with that, not when there was still someone else out there who did want him around, who did give a fuck.  

Michael put the truck into gear and drove towards the UFO Emporium.  Alex was still working, which was good, since Michael was probably the only one of anyone who didn’t have a cell phone, and even if he did, there was such a high chance of Alex’s dad monitoring his cell phone that Michael would never have been able to call or text it anyway.  

There wasn’t a line, there was never a line, and Michael stepped up to the window apprehensively.  “Can you come by, later?  I’ve got something to show you.”

Alex looked up quickly, reacting to Michael’s voice, and then looked around quickly, scanning like he thought someone would be watching.  “Yeah, okay.  I’m off at 7.”

Michael nodded and Alex looked so uneasy that he didn’t bother sticking around to talk, just walked back to his trunk and drove off to the small rectangle of land he was currently parking on, a sorry excuse for a home.  Alex knew where to find him, though, and that gave it a sort of silver lining. 

He waited, drinking a beer he’d been given by someone days ago and stashed in the truck, trying to calm his nerves.  He had decided, it didn’t matter what Max and Isobel said—he was going to tell Alex, and it was going to close this chasm widening between them, and it was going to be worth it, and Michael would stay afloat. 

Alex pulled up early enough that it was clear he’d come straight from work.  Michael sat in the truck bed watching him approach.  There was something off about Alex, something different, but Michael couldn’t put his finger on it, not when his mind was snarled with love and nerves and fear and anger and everything else.  A big black tangle, that only Alex had ever been able to begin to unwind.  He was going to tell him. 

“So what’s up?”  Alex said, rubbing his palm against the metal wall of the truck bed like he wasn’t sure he was going to jump up next to Michael.  That wasn’t a good sign, even if he did eventually nod and climb up.  

Michael took a deep breath and immediately hesitated, veering off from the direct words.  “I’m teaching myself to play guitar again.  Backwards, but still.”  

Alex smiled, but there was something like intense sadness under it.  “That’s great, Michael.”

Michael swallowed.  That wasn’t exactly the reaction he was hoping for.  He pulled the stolen guitar out from where it had been hiding under a blanket and lay the fretboard across his leg.  “I want to show you, but—but there’s something you should know.  Something you need to know, first.”

“Actually, I’ve got something to tell you, too,” Alex cut in, rubbing his thumb across the threads of his jeans, the nail catching occasionally.  He wasn’t wearing nail polish, Michael realized with a start.  Or eyeliner.  All of his piercings were just empty holes.

“Let me go first,” Michael said, suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.  He didn’t want to hear whatever Alex was going to tell him, not at all; he thought his survival might depend on not hearing it.  “Alex, you know I trust you, and I want you to know I’m—“

“I’ve decided to enlist,”  Alex said, looking away and then back to Michael, his face set defiantly.  “We decided.  Last night, that it would be the best thing for me.”

Michael blanched, all of the words he’d spent the afternoon deciding on rushing out of his head.  He must have heard wrong.  “What the fuck do you mean?”  His voice sounded angrier than he meant it to, more desperate, and Alex sighed and looked back down at his hands.  Then the rest of the sentence hit Michael.  “Who the fuck is ‘we’?”

“My dad and I.  It’s—I made the right decision for me right now.”

“Like hell you did.”  Michael banged his fist against the truck bed, the metal sound reverberating through the guitar with a discordant twang.  Alex winced, closing his eyes, and Michael immediately wanted to take the angry gesture back.  “I’m sorry.”  He put his hand gently on Alex’s leg and Alex didn’t look at him, but didn’t flinch away either.  “But…you hate that shit.  What about your music?  What about getting out of here?”

“I am getting out of here,” Alex retorted.  

“Not on your terms.  Not like…”  Michael paused to take a breath.  It had occurred to him recently, that they could just leave, together—once Alex knew the truth, they could leave and protect each other, and Max could stay here and protect Isobel; it would be better for them to be spread out anyway.  Michael hadn’t said it out loud yet, and certainly not to Alex, but he’d been harboring this fantasy deep inside him, and he could feel it slipping like water through his fingers now.  “We could leave,” he said quietly, urgently.  “Just hear me out and we can figure everything out, and you won’t have to—to fight in their wars.”

He could tell it wasn’t enough.

Alex scoffed, looking up at him again.  “You’re talking about nothing, Michael.”

  Michael could hear Max and Isobel’s words from earlier echoing in his bones, taunting him with how right they were.  Michael felt stupid, like he’d been tricked into thinking this meant something, when Alex could just leave.  Except, he didn’t think he’d really been tricked, he thought they were both drowning, both reaching out for something to keep them afloat.  The issue was that thing for Michael was Alex, but for Alex, it wasn’t Michael.  

“You don’t have to do this,” he said, pleading, but trying to make his voice sound certain.  Michael had been so sure, so sure, that telling Alex was the right thing; so sure that they were something different, that this was the first time in his life he wouldn’t be left behind.  He hated himself for thinking that, for getting his goddamn hopes up.

“Grow up, Guerin,” Alex said sharply.  Then he sighed, and when he looked back up at Michael he looked sad, regretful.  But not enough to change anything.  “I should go.”  He slid off of the truck and started walking back to his car. 

“Alex!  Wait!”  Michael jumped down into the dirt, taking a few steps forward.  He didn’t know if Alex wanted to be followed, and he couldn’t take more steps without the guarantee that he wouldn’t be running after someone who didn’t want to be chased.  Alex turned around with his hand on the door of his car and smiled sadly at Michael, waiting for Michael to talk.  He could still tell him, but it felt less like sharing a secret and more like throwing everything away for someone who didn’t even give enough of a shit to stay.  “When do you leave?”

Alex shook his head.  “Soon.”

Michael bit his lip, because he didn’t cry, and he didn’t show weakness, especially to someone who could hurt him.  “Don’t leave without saying goodbye,” he said, eventually, and Alex nodded, still smiling that sad, tight smile.  

Michael watched him drive away, walking back over to the truck.  He’d have to let Max and Isobel know that he hadn’t said anything after all, even if he hated telling them they’d been right. He felt like such an idiot for believing anything other than what they’d known their entire lives—it was just the three of them, and no one else was ever going to know him like Max and Isobel.  Michael just had to get used to that.     

He slammed his fist against the side of the truck again, closing his eyes.  Michael liked the noise it made when he hit the truck, the sympathetic echoing sound of the guitar, filled with the kind of chaos that was inside him.  He picked up the guitar, considering it.  He’d been so excited to show Alex the trick, and now it just felt stupid, trite and childish.  He should be focused on getting himself out of Roswell, and not on what amounted to party tricks.  

The thought hung heavily over him, and Michael was suddenly so fucking angry at everything—at Alex, at Max and Isobel, at the whole situation that left him here, alone, like always, but this time for the long run.  He wrapped his fist around the fretboard and slammed the stupid stolen guitar against the metal of the truck.  Sharp splintering noises that sounded like everything he couldn’t say, as the guitar turned into shards of wood and string, until there was nothing left in his hand, until all Michael was filled with was an empty kind of sadness. 

He got back in the truck and drove to Max and Isobel’s house, pausing and then knocking on the door.  Isobel answered, looking surprised.  

“Everything okay?”

Michael ignored the question.  “I didn’t tell him.  I just—I wanted you to know that I didn’t do it.”

Isobel looked like she was going to gloat about winning the argument, then she seemed to take in Michael’s appearance, and pulled the door open wider instead.  “What happened?”

Michael smiled widely, humorlessly.  “You were right.  It wasn’t what I thought it was.” 

“Want to come in?  Mom just served dessert.”

“No ‘I told you so, Michael’?”  

She hesitated, then shook her head.  “Not this time.  Come inside?” 

Part of Michael wanted to be anywhere else than inserting himself, unwanted, into their happy family, but the other part knew that anywhere else he would go tonight would end up being worse, would end with him hurt or arrested or blacked out.  He probably still would end up there, but at least he could put that off for a few hours.  

He nodded, and walked inside with Isobel, and wished that would be enough.  

#mgweek20 #guerinweek20 #malex #roswell new mexico #rnm fic #my writing #michael guerin #alex manes #isobel evans #max evans #angst #they're all young and trying their best and still hurting each other #like the very beginning of the lost decade so idk if it counts

[hwauas]

🎭: "too late"

choi jongho | 최종호 - 1,899 words

“y/n, why are you running away!” Jongho asked as he was running after you through the park.

you, on an another hand, you were giggling. you wanted to play with him.

it's been weeks you asked Jongho about everyday to hang out together, even though you were tired.

you weren't sure about what he meant to you; you were too close to be only best friends, but weren't close enough to be lovers. but for sure, he was your precious, your treasure.

you stopped running when you saw a group of people blocking your way. while you were searching for an another way, Jongho caught you.

“GOTCHA!” he said as he tickled your tummy. you giggled and tried to escape his embrace. he just tightened his hold around you so you couldn't move anymore.

as you were looking up to his face, you stopped moving. a little smile remained anyway.

he brushed away a strand of hair softly, and looked deeply in your eyes.

“y/n, i.. i have something to tell you..”

you tilted your head, curiousity taking the most of you. yet you nodded, telling him you were listening.

Jongho took your hand, and led you to a bench. he sat down, and pulled you close to him.

“i don't know how to say that. i.. i've never done this before..” as he took a deep breath, you looked at Jongho with confusion. but you relaxed as you saw him looking deep in your eyes. “you know.. i'm sure you and i share the same point of view. we are too close to be just friends but... we are not into a relationship..” Jongho strocked your hand softly, and shyly smiled. “i want this to change, y/n. i've never been this close to someone before. and being this close to you.. i developped stronger feelings for you. i hope you like me the same way i like you..”

you didn't expect this to happen, not now. that's why you only sighed as you tightened your hold on his hand.

“Jongho, i.. i do like you a lot but..” you stopped talking, letting him know there were something holding you back to accept right now his feelings.

“but..? tell me y/n. did you meet someone else..? or maybe i'm not enough for you..?” he asked, about to cry. his voice cracked, and so your heart did.

“no, i met no one. Jongho, please. can you.. wait for me for few days?”

he remained silent for a moment, and finally nodded. he looked so tiny, fragile and vulnerable at this moment. you slowly wrapped your arms around him, and hugged him. he quickly hugged you back; as always, you felt how warm his embrace was.

you spent the rest of the day together, enjoying each other's presence. it was quite awkward at the beginning, because of what just happened. but after a while, you both started to act as if nothing happened.

you returned home in the late afternoon, exhausted of the day. you pushed yourself through the rooms to finally fall onto your bed, in your bedroom.

suddenly, you felt something running down your nose. you got up, and took a tissue to wipe away the blood.

Jongho texted you. you answered, without saying anything about what happened after you got home. and you finally fell asleep, holding one of Jongho's hoodie next to your face.

yet, you woke up early in the morning, feeling weaker than you ever did. you felt cold but, as the time, you were sweating. your bedsheets were wet, meaning you sweat during the night too.

you got up and prudently walked to your desk. all your letters of the last month were scattered on it. you grabbed your phone and called for help. the first person you thought about was your mom — she was the only one you could ask help to.

waiting for your mom, you wanted to sat on your couch. yet, you were so weak, you couldn't do anything when you felt all the strength leaving your body. you fell on the floor in a loud noise. you used your last strengths to bring your thighs against your chest, shaking.

minutes after, you heard a knock on the door.

you were too weak to move, or even speak. the person tried to talk to you from the other side of the door, but you couldn't answer.

and minutes after, you heard your mom's voice this time. she looked panicked.

“Y/N! Y/N PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!” she screamed.

you couldn't say anything. you were too weak, and too far from the door.

you tensed up when you heard your door being opened after a loud bang. you barely moved, still shaking on the floor.

“MY BABY!” your mom rushed to you as she covered you with her jacket. “PLEASE, CALL THE EMERGENCY!” she screamed to the man who tried to talk to you before her. “your neighbor told me he heard you fall. are you hurt? tell me, my baby. i'm here. tell me everything.”

you merely shook your head as a no while she was wiping away the blood which was running down your nose again.

she stayed by your side until the ambulance arrived. but you weren't conscious of anything. your body was here, you still were looking around, yet your mind was far away. the emergency crew tried to talk to you, even tried with gestures, but you didn't mind. you didn't even notice they put you into a stretcher.

Your mom followed you, but stopped for a moment to talk to your neighbor. the man who destroyed your door nodded, and she sat next to you in the ambulance.

on the way to the hospital, you were more receptive. the saving crew then tried to communicate with you to know what was happening and to try to keep you mentally here.

in the meantime, Jongho was on his way to your house. he was determined to take you out today again.

but when he arrived about 30 minutes after you left, the only thing he saw was a man in front of your opened door.

“hello..? excuse me, what is happening?” Jongho asked to the man while mentioning the door.

“oh that.. i heard the woman inside falling. i live downstairs and suddenly i heard a loud bang. she wasn't answering. her mom asked me to break the door. a saving crew just took her to hospital.”

Jongho was shocked. his eyes widened. without thinking twice, he rushed inside your apartment.

he saw a little of your blood on the floor, where you were laying.

“hey! what are you doing? i'm waiting for the locksmith, get out of here!” the neighbor said, looking at Jongho.

“in which hospital did they go?” Jongho asked.

“who the hell are you?”

“her boyfriend! now tell me where did they go.” he clenched his fists. but as soon as the man told him the hospital, he pushed him away and started running like mad to this hospital. luckily, it was the nearest one.

he reached the hospital about 20 minutes later, since he had to stop sometimes to catch his breath. he was sweating, and breathing heavily. he rushed towards the reception.

“please.. please.. a girl arrived here about a hour ago.. Kim y/n. where is she?” Jongho asked as he was holding his waist, feeling a stitch because of the running.

“room 453. fourth floor, on your left. sir, do you want some wat-” Jongho cut her off and ran towards the staircase.

adrenaline was rushing through his veins. he knew absolutely anything. of course, you looked more tired lately, but he thought it was because of the season.

when he arrived on the fourth floor, he immediately noticed your mother, and your father. he rushed to them, clearly panicked.

“what's happening?!”

“Jongho, my dear, you're sweating so much..” your mother tried to mop up the sweat, which he didn't care at all.

“can i see her?”

she sighed, but finally nodded.

“yes you can once the doctor is out. but you have to.. be mentally ready. she's not at her best at all..” she sat down on a chair, looking down at her hands. “she.. she didn't want to tell you this. i don't know why. but she wrote you a letter. she asked me to keep it with me everywhere i go. and she wanted me to give it you.. when this moment would arrive. it's time for you to have it.” she searched in her handbag, and pull out a letter she handed to Jongho.

as he was taking it, the doctor came out. Jongho asked for visiting you, which the doctor accepted.

in a airlock, Jongho put on the different sterelised items, such a overalls and a hygiene cap, and entered your sterelised room.

“y/n..” he approached you, but you didn't answer. only the steady sound of the Holter monitor was heard. you eyes were closed. you were laying in your bed, in these white sheets.

he opened the letter, and started reading it.

« - to the man i love, Choi Jongho.

if you read this, it means my mom gave it you because i'm about to leave.

i never wanted to tell you this because i wanted to leave with beautiful moments of you, being the happiest with me. i'm sure we created beautiful memories! and i wanted you to have a lot of beautiful moments in mind too. i wanted you to enjoy to the fullest your time with me. without counting how many time i have left, or without being afraid.

Jongho, you're strong. so strong. so please, don't cry when you'll read the next words;

i'm leaving because i'm sick. i lost a fight. i lost a fight against this acute leukemia.

i can't predict the future. if i bleed, if i fainted, if i was exhausted, if i was weak. it was because of my leukemia. the treatments just helped me living longer by your side. they weren't meant to heal me.

i hope i'm still alive when you'll read this;

i love you Jongho. i always did.

please.. before i leave.. kiss my forehead on last time, like you always do.

sincerely yours,

your y/n. »

Jongho was crying. he never cried that much in his entire life.

as he was looking at your features, the only thing he could see was pain. he took your hand softly, and stroked it.

“you're so strong..” he said softly, one of his tears falling on your hand. “i'm sorry i noticed anything.. but, i promise i'll be someone better in the future. for you and me..”

he leaned over, his face inches apart yours. he rushed his hand through your hair.

“i love you so much y/n.. thank you for what you've done to me. i'll cherish those moments with you..” he tried his best to stop crying, even though he knew he was losing you. “you fought enough, love.. i love you..”

he took a deep breath, and kissed your forehead. it was a long kiss, showing his love to you.

as if it was all you waited for, he noticed your features less tensed.

and seconds after, like if you waited for him until now, you gave him your last heartbeat.

#ateez #atiny #hongjoong #kim hongjoong #seonghwa #park seonghwa #yunho #jeong yunho #yeosang #kang yeosang #san #choi san #mingi #song mingi #wooyoung #jeong wooyoung #jongho #choi jongho #ateez imagines #ateez fanfic

[theharlotofferelden]

I've been mostly AWOL last month just because I didn't/still don't have the spoons to properly engage on here. Part of it has been due to personal reasons, but I've also been keeping up with a number of discourses on here that have just been sapping my energy mainly because:

it is very easy to just mind your own business and curate your online experience to your liking instead of policing others and putting negativity out into the world.

Mainly talking about this in terms of anti/proshipping discourse because it seems to me that most antis don't want a discussion or don't want to listen to the points others have brought up about the difficulty of trying to regulate fanworks because it's not so simple as banning problematic works; it's about individually judging and screening the kind of fanworks that gets posted, which logistically isn't feasible considering how many works are hosted on AO3 alone, but also ignores the fact that even if such a thing was possible, people would find a way to post those works anyway.

So if this is a thing outside of our control, what can we do that's within our power? Follow the right people, filter tags, and pay attention to the kinds of works you're consuming, and if you encounter someone who is a danger to you, you're well within your right to block them.

This is all pretty standard practice for anyone navigating the internet, but we have folks worrying about other peoples kids being exposed to adult content and/or being preyed upon by adults online. And while those concerns are valid, the people who are advocating for those kids aren't moderators on this website or even AO3, and really have no direct way of impacting what kids do/don't see online outside of their push for banning certain works.

This also completely disregards what measures parents are already taking with monitoring their kids online usage, or the fact that these kids can pretty much be exposed to other adult content outside of tumblr or AO3.

Like, the idea that fan spaces need to be sanitized (even in adult fandoms) on the offchance a kid will stumble upon adult content of their favorite tv show is presumptuous of what measures their guardians are taking, and asinine in the face of the broader internet.

And like, again, these people don't work for tumblr or AO3; they have no obligation or responsibility to try and regulate content on here. If they really cared about better moderation, they would focus their efforts towards tumblr staff instead of targeting individuals on here. Because arguably, tumblr is more responsible for allowing such content to be hosted on here. So wouldn't it make sense to push for better regulation, or better functions on this website to ensure fandom has the walls it needs to function?

But again, disregarding all of that: this shit is just plain exhausting and I honestly think most of the young adults (the 17-25 yr olds) are going to look back on the time they spent on here as a big waste of time. Mainly because there's no realistic way to actually solve this issue because people will do what they want regardless of the fanpol panopticon.

And speaking personally, while I understand the issue and empathize to some degree with the folks advocating for this stuff, it honestly feels like a whole bunch of hot air over what is basically someone playing with paper dolls.

This discourse has no direct impact on my life outside of whatever content I choose to put on here. Half the time, I'm not even on here in any meaningful capacity or trying to engage with this nonsense because the communities that are personally invested in these sorts of arguments are completely insular echo chambers who don't care about the nuance of the situation or how this affects other people who are just minding their own business. This discourse isn't productive. It's a negative time waster for people who are in the business of casting judgement upon others, and I don't want a part in any of that.

I've spent the last 6-7 years trying to unlearn making assumptions about other people based on whatever outside factors are present specifically because I am not privy to their private lives and don't know what may be going on that I'm not aware about. It also just plain isn't my business, and if I honestly don't like thinking negatively of others because it's not worth my time or energy. I would rather spend that time doing something I enjoy and focus on myself in a way that benefits me.

It's hard and I don't always succeed at this, but I personally find it's benefited me in a lot of ways. Practicing disengaging from things that upsets you is a skill I think everyone should learn, especially in cases like this where the things you care about are outside of your control.

In any case, I'm going to limit/cease with talking about this any more because I think I've said enough on it already, and understand more than I care to about it.

#personal: meta #believe me when I say this shit is exhausting #it's easier to just unfollow ppl and filter shit

[mamikiddy]

Keys to Finding The Right Way to Potty Training.No Hustle No Stress

If you're like most parents who are still monitoring their two-year-olds' pee pees and poops, you're looking forward to potty training your toddler and moving closer and closer to a diaper-free household. And who could blame you? In addition to being expensive and messy, diapers may even serve as daycare roadblocks. So, it's in everyone's best interest to get the job done sooner rather than later...

Understandably, however, you may be unclear on the best method for potty training toddlers and may even be completely clueless. If so, don't worry - none of us was born knowing how to potty train children (it's definitely a learned skill) and you can get reliable help for real-life experts... like me.

Learn more the easiest ways to potty train your toddlers

I've been potty training toddlers for the past thirty years and have witnessed firsthand what approaches and techniques work best. I have also counseled hundreds of parents along the way and conducted extensive research in order to learn what pediatricians, child therapists, and other experts advise. And although potty training methods vary widely there are four basic approaches. The first is, what I call the "let-children-teach-themselves." Widely used in the United States, it is based on a belief that potty training is a developmental skill that cannot be "taught" - much like walking, talking and eating solid foods. In other words, children will be potty trained when they are ready. End of story.

To be perfectly blunt, this is hooey, and in my opinion has far more to do with parental preferences than it does with sound scientific theory. Simply put, this "method" requires little or no preparation and easily fits into busy lifestyles. Why? Because parents aren't doing anything!

Yes, they may introduce their children to the potty, but that's about it. As a result it usually takes 1-6 months longer to potty train; often interferes with childcare opportunities because these toddlers are that much older when they're trained; diapers are needed longer, so parents waste money; and it's more difficult to potty train these toddlers because their behaviors are more entrenched.

The second method for potty training toddlers is one that is not commonly used in the United States and practiced mostly in developing nations. I call it the "potty-train-babies" approach.

Parents using this process, hold their infants over the potty to catch their eliminations. It's based on the theory that babies will gradually learn to signal before they urinate or have bowel movements. And while there is scientific evidence that supports this theory and it certainly puts an early end to diapers, it is extremely impractical for most families. Why? Because it requires an extreme level of attention and commitment from parents, grandparents, babysitters, and anyone else who comes in contact with the babies. Also, as you might expect accidents are commonplace so time and energy spent cleaning up can be onerous. In other words, this is definitely not potty training made easy!

The third basic approach is the "practice-makes-perfect" method; over time parents introduce their children to the potty and conduct regular teaching sessions with them. The system is based on the belief is that toddlers will eventually "get it" and transition from diapers to pull-ups to underwear.

Learn more the easiest ways to potty train your toddlers

Again, in my opinion, this method sets parents - and children - up for failure for three major reasons:

1. The vast majority of parents cannot remain consistent over the extended period of time this requires (i.e. practice sessions must be frequent and regular in order for this to work). Also, you should be aware that this is a slow and circuitous road to a diaper-free world, so be prepared to hunker down for the long haul if go this route.

2. Using pull-ups and/or diapers during the training process sends complicated mixed messages to toddlers and severely hampers the potty training process

3. Children are learning to use the potty at their parents' initiation, not their own! That's not the objective here... the goal is to potty train toddlers, not parents!

The fourth basic method for potty training toddlers is the accelerated approach. Although there are many different techniques used within this fundamental mode - some good, others not - I do recommend this method.

Here is a quick overview of an accelerated method which combines time-tested, wholesome behavioral modification techniques within a positive, nurturing and emotionally supportive environment.

o Before potty training toddlers parents assess their developmental and chronological readiness

o One parent (or teacher) commits to potty training process for 24-48 hours and sets up a one-on-one teaching environment and prepares carefully in advance.

o The potty training teacher follows specific step-by-step instructions,which are designed to accelerate the potty-training process.

o Potty training is accomplished in much less time than traditional methods and provides a wonderful bonding experience for parents and their children.

In the end, however, how you potty train your child will be a personal decision based on your lifestyle and preferences, and regardless of which method you choose, it's important to keep the following in mind...

1. Toddlers have a profound and earnest wish to grow and master new skills, even though they may act as stubborn as mules! Children want to be potty trained, even if they don't show it!

2. Normal, healthy toddlers between the ages of 18 and 27 months should be physically and developmentally ready for potty training. If you have any concerns regarding your child's readiness, check with his/her pediatrician.

3. Parents who have a well-thought-out and workable plan - and execute it properly (this is a big one) - are far more successful (i.e. their children are potty trained faster, less stressfully, and more completely) than those who do not. Period. I hope this information has been helpful to you and you'll pass this article along to a friend or relative who may find it useful as well.

Learn more the easiest ways to potty train your toddlers

#howtopottytrain #howtopottytrainyourchild #tipstopottytrain #tiptopottytrainyourchild #successfulpottytraintips #pottytrainyourchild #pottytrainmadeeasy #nohustlenostress #pottytraining #pottytrainingyourchild #pottytrain #thebestwaystopottytrainyourchild #theeasiestwaystopottytrainyourchild

[diamondsnpolaroids]

Kingston's birth story♡

On Thursday February 13th I had my last midwives appointment to which I asked for a membrane sweep. My midwife happily agreed and did it. For the rest of the day I felt regular contractions but unfortunately nothing came of it.

Friday February 14th, my due date. Still getting contractions but spread apart more and not as strong. I spent all day crying, begging my baby boy to hurry up. I felt as if my body was failing him. It wasnt trying hard enough, I wasnt doing enough, he was ready but I just couldnt. I couldnt sleep, everytime I tried I'd get up and start walking in hopes my body would finally start labouring properly.

Saturday February 15th, 12:15am I finally settled down enough to doze off after being awake since 6am. 12:32am I wake up to hear and feel a huge popping sound. I immediately sit up thinking something is terribly wrong. I actually get to my feet and that's when I felt it. Water gushing out of me. I had zero control. I waddle run to my bathroom, trying to avoid soaking my pants any more than they already were. I see nothing but clear fluid with tinges of red. That's when I realized it was indeed my water breaking. I couldnt get up for 2 minutes, my amniotic fluid was pouring out of me like you wouldnt believe. Finally I'm able to clean myself up, get on new pants and wake my mother to let her know. I told her to stay asleep since most women dont contract right away, thinking I still had time. By 12:50am I felt my first hard contraction. 12:53, another. 12:56, another. I call my sister to let her know to be ready to pick me up. I message King's father and grandmother, then attempt to wake my mother again. I call my midwife and was told to wait till my contractions were either unbearable or lasting 1 minute, 1 minute between contractions, for 1 hour. 1:34 I call my sister again and tell her to come over to help me labour since it was getting intense. Around the same time King's father comes over since I knew this was going to be a fast process. Contractions were getting closer and closer together, getting more unbearable with each passing one. I call my midwife again, my sister doing the talking for me, telling her we are on our way to the hospital.

2:20am we leave my place and head there. 2:36 we're parked and I'm inside trying to sign in. Having to stop and contract infront of a room full of strangers. I get my bracelet and sent upstairs. 3 more contractions ensue in the meantime. We get up to the birthing floor and head for triage. That's when things begin to get intense and blurry. I'm sat in a bed, in extreme pain, trying to answer questions and get blood taken. I'm noticing this is all happening really fast and we need to hurry. I'm checked and told I'm 4/5cm dilated. We get told to move to a birthing room. Finally arriving in the place my child would be born, I lay down and my body takes over. I get no more than 30 seconds between contractions for my body to calm down. I get checked again, I'm told I'm 7/8 cm dilated and everyone is shocked. Its happening and its happening soon. Theres no chance for me to receive any drugs or IVs. No contraction belt to track them or heart monitor belt to check on King. Within 2 minutes my contractions get so out of control I can feel my body pushing against my wishes. I tell the room this, apologize and scream all at once. I'm being told to try and stop but I physically couldnt. After another 5 minutes of this I'm checked one last time, but this time im told to push. Everyone is shocked. In 7 minutes I've dilated 3cm and ready to bring my baby into the world.

I'm told to move into position, breaking both the fathers hand and my sisters while I sit there pushing. My sister is instructed to hold my leg and push it against me, my mother is told to grab my hand and the midwife had my other leg up and ready. I'm screaming bloody murder and trying my hardest to push. I will never be able to compare this pain to anything else.

4:09am, I give a push and my little mans head is out. I'm told to give one last push, my sister looks at Kings head and by the time she moved her head to look at me, he was out and on my chest. My baby boy is finally born and screaming almost as loud as me. Kingston came out at 7lbs 0oz, 19 inches long.

Within a few minutes he was calm and looking all around. I finally come to and realize what just happened. Instant shock, not knowing what to think or say, I'm hugging my baby so tight against my chest with tears going down my face. I did it. I finally did it. 9 long hard months of growing this tiny human and I finally bring him into this world for everyone to see and love.

I spent 13 hours after his birth in the hospital till we were sent home. Multiple family members and friends stopping by to say hello and meet my little ham. Everyone is shocked and amazed I managed to have a baby within 3 1/2 hours of my water breaking, zero drugs, all natural. His skin colour being perfect from the moment he was put on my chest, next to no wrinkles, just all around perfect. He took to breastfeeding so easily, barely cried unless he was cold. My perfect little man.

It's been 13 days since he entered this world, dropping to 6lb 6oz after 3 days, up to 6lb 9oz by day 5, then 7lb 4oz by day 10. Kingston has been nothing but a dream. I am so incredibly blessed every single day with his presence. He makes me feel every emotion under the sun, but mainly proud and love. I dont remember what life was like before him and I couldnt imagine my future without him. Everything our mothers, aunts, grandparents and friends told us is true, you never know love until you see your baby for the first time. I never had expectations on how life would be with him finally here but even if I did, hed surpass them all. I have such an angel baby who has me feeling more blessed than ever before. He is my entire world and I'd go through all the pain and suffering again if I had to for him. The absolute love of my life. ♡

#polaroid #ardenmarie #instax #instax neo classic #instax mini 90 #framed prints #pregnancy #pregnant #baby #birthday #birth story #born #babyboy #my baby #baby bump #babylove #kingston #birth #child labor #labor #labour