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jule1122 · 4 months

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Malex Fic - Am I Giving Enough?

Happy Holidays @miniastrophysicist! I hope you enjoy your @rnm-secret-santa gift. It is a post canon fic focusing on Alex and Michael's path to adopting their first child. There is some emotional hurt/comfort, but it's mostly about them loving and supporting each other on this journey.

I did research the adoption process in New Mexico and stayed as close to it as I could, but I did add and change things to fit the story.

Thank you@angrycowboy for being a wonderfully supportive beta.

Title from "Columbia" by Local Natives

Am I Giving Enough on AO3

Summary: Michael will be a wonderful father, Alex knows this. It's his own ability to be a good parent he questions.

Michael brings it up on a Tuesday, a month after their first anniversary. They’re sitting on the couch together, watching a documentary about echolocation in whales and bats, cuddling and stealing kisses during the commercials. Alex knows he wants to spend the rest of his life just like this.

“I was thinking,” Michael begins as the credits roll.

Alex turns off the television and turns to give Michael his full attention. “About what?” he asks gently when he sees the way Michael is twisting his hands.

“I got the schedule for the adoption orientation meetings, and the one closest to Roswell is in three weeks,” he takes a deep breath and looks at Alex seriously. “I think we should go.”

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Alex stares at Michael for a minute before his brain kicks back in. “Orientation, yeah we can, I mean we should,” he stumbles.

“It’s the first step,” Michael reminds him - as if they hadn’t researched and talked about this before. “We have to go before we can apply or anything, and this seemed like our best chance.”

“No, you’re right,” Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and tries to smooth over his misstep. “It makes sense to go when it’s close to home. Just send me the info, and I’ll put it in my calendar,”

“Are you sure?” Michael asks.

“Of course. You know I should take Charlie out,” he adds before Michael can ask him any more questions. Charlie - the retriever mix Michael brought home from the junkyard a few months ago - has been sleeping at their feet and grumbles when Alex nudges him. But he gets up and follows Alex when he calls, sharper than he meant to, “Charlie, door.”

Michael doesn’t bring it up again, but Alex can feel the careful way Michael watches him when they get ready for bed. He turns out the light quickly and pulls Michael close, his whispered good night a plea for Michael to leave it alone for now.

The next day Alex stops by the Wild Pony on his way home from work. It’s early enough that he knows Maria can take a break to talk to him. He’s barely started on his beer when she sits down across from him.

Maria studies him for a moment, narrows her eyes and demands, “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up, with Michael,” he clarifies. Maria doesn’t say anything, just stares at him until he starts talking again. “He brought up adoption, and I froze.”

“I thought you talked about kids before?”

“We have, but it was always something we would do someday. Now Michael thinks this could be that someday, and I panicked,” Alex shrugs. “He hasn’t said anything, but he definitely noticed.”

“So what are you going to tell him,” Maria asks. “Have you changed your mind about wanting a family?”

“No, I still want that. I just thought we had more time. We’ve only been married a year, and for the first time in my life I’m really happy,” Alex can’t help smiling when he thinks about his life with Michael. “I don’t know if I’m ready to change that.”

“Wanting more time isn’t a bad thing, and I’m sure Michael will understand. But I don’t think that’s the only problem,” Maria adds.

“Michael’s always known what he wants - marriage, kids, a white picket fence and a dad band. He’ll be an amazing father.”

“What about you?” Maria asks when he doesn’t say anything else.

“All I ever wanted was out, and then I wanted Michael. I never pictured myself as a father because I don’t know what one should be. It took me over ten years to figure out how to love Michael. I can’t ask a child to wait for me to figure my shit out.”

“Alex,” Maria takes his hand. “You’re being too hard on yourself. I know you don’t see it, but you are a caretaker at heart. Look at everything you did for Mimi, the way you welcomed Greg back into your life, all the risks you took to protect the people you love. You may not think you know how to love people, but we all feel it.”

“Maria,” Alex looks away to hide the tears in his eyes.

“You need to talk to Michael, Alex, you know that. You’ll be a wonderful father, if that’s what you want. If you aren’t ready now, just be honest about that. But if it really is fear holding you back, have more faith in yourself. Besides you already have Charlie,” Maria teases, knowing Alex needs the mood lightened.

“Charlie is a dog,” he gives Maria an unimpressed look.

“A dog with homemade food, more toys than most children and who you or Michael take to work if you think he looks lonely.”

“You might have a point,” Alex concedes with a sheepish smile. They talk for a few more minutes, general catch up, until Maria gets called back to work by one of the bartenders. “Thank you,” Alex hugs her before he leaves, feeling more settled than when he arrived.

The house is quiet when he gets home. Alex laughs, thinking of Maria’s teasing when he realizes Michael must have taken Charlie to the junkyard with him. So Alex starts dinner and throws in a load of laundry. A few minutes after he takes the lasagna out of the oven, Michael walks in, Charlie at his heels.

“Smells good,” he compliments before greeting Alex with a kiss.

“Thanks, you want to shower while it cools?”

“Only if you come with me,” Michael pulls at Alex's hand.

It’s easy to follow. To let Michael run the water hotter than Alex would and set up the shower chair. He pulls Michael into his lap and washes his hair for him, loving the way Michael arches into his touch. Michael stands up long enough to wash himself quickly while Alex does the same, then he’s back in Alex’s lap.

“My turn,” he says, reaching for the shampoo.

It doesn’t take long, but Michael lingers. Running his hands through Alex’ hair long after the shampoo is rinsed out, kissing his neck and mindlessly rolling his hips into Alex’s.

“Let me,” Alex says when the friction is just shy of enough. He reaches down and strokes their cocks together, everything slippery and warm, his hand gliding easily until they both come.

Michael pours them each a glass of wine with dinner, and Alex lets himself relax into the evening, waiting until they’re once again cuddling on the couch to bring up his concerns.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he begins.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Michael tells him. “But I do want you to tell me what’s wrong. I thought this was something you wanted too.”

“It is. I do want a family with you. But realizing it might actually happen scared me.” It’s hard for Alex to admit that, but he pushes forward. “When I think about us having kids, I can see you with them, but I can’t figure out how I fit in. I am afraid I won’t know how to be a parent.”

“Alex, I’ve always wanted kids, you know that. But I would never force that on you. And I wouldn’t,” Michael pauses before speaking again. “I wouldn’t bring kids into a home if I wasn’t sure they would be safe and loved. I know your heart, Alex, maybe better than you do.”

Alex kisses Michael softly then rests his head on his shoulder. “You think I can do this?”

“I do,” Michael reassures him. “But you don’t have to. Especially if you’re only doing it for me.”

“I wouldn’t be,” Alex shakes his head and kisses Michael’s shoulder. “The orientation is just the first step right?”

“Right, and the whole process takes time. They aren’t just going to hand a bunch of kids over to us after a presentation. It’s not a commitment.”

“But it’s a start. I think we should go.”

“If you’re sure,” Michael confirms.

Alex might never be completely sure, but he knows he wants to try. “I am.”

Alex doesn’t know if it is intentional, but the orientation feels like a support group meeting. The chairs are arranged in a semicircle surrounding a long table for the speakers. There’s coffee and water for tea and a platter of cookies from one of the big chain stores.

There are only about ten other people there, and while Michael chats with the couple closest to them, Alex sits silently, clutching Michael’s hand. They are asked to introduce themselves, and he lets Michael handle that too, smiling when he says “this is my husband Alex.” But he lets the rest of the introductions fade into the background as he studies the room for exits, checks for threats he knows aren’t there.

The first half is a presentation reviewing the steps of the adoption process. Alex and Michael know them - application, 32 hour parenting class, 4 mandatory counseling sessions, home study, interviews with family and friends. Alex’s mind stumbles on the last one, grateful again his father is dead. He knows, though, he never would have attempted this if Jesse were still alive, never would have taken the risk, no matter how small, that Jesse could hurt another child.

Michael’s a little restless during the presentation, and Alex doesn’t blame him. The material is dry, and Michael has it all memorized. But Alex appreciates how each step is broken down in detail. It helps him to treat this like a mission with a series of individual tasks they can accomplish in pursuit of a larger goal.

They take a break after, and Alex tries to socialize a bit while he makes himself and Michael each a cup of bad coffee. Alex has spent so much of his life hiding, it’s hard for him to answer questions without searching for an ulterior motive, and he’s relieved when they are called back to their seats.

For the next hour, three couples talk about their adoption experience. Alex appreciates that they don’t try and sugarcoat it. They do talk about the good stuff - the first time their adopted child calls them mom, the first Christmas they got everything on the list from Santa, seeing their child graduate, even grandchildren. But they talk about the hard parts too - the kids who will never call them mom and dad, the older children who needed a mentor more than a parent and don’t keep in touch, hearing the horrors their children experienced and knowing they can never make it all go away.

Some of the couples look at each other nervously, and Alex wonders if they will change their minds. He wouldn’t blame them, but Alex feels better after hearing the stories and realizing that it’s hard for everyone, that he won't be the only one who struggles.

When Michael asks him what he thinks on the way home, he's able to be honest when he answers, “I think we can do this.”

They fill out the application that night, and two weeks later they have their intake interview with a social worker named Beth. Alex did his research before the appointment and knows Beth is a few years older than they are and has worked for New Mexico’s Children, Youth and Families Department since she received her Masters Degree. She is welcoming and cheerful in a way that makes Alex want to ask her how she hasn’t burned out yet.

They talk about their schedules and hobbies, the people in their lives, and it’s easy in a way Alex knows not to trust.

Beth’s smiling when she tells them they’re almost done, but Alex can tell from how she’s watching them, the calculation in her eyes, that this is probably the only part of the whole interview that matters. “Last question, why adoption with CYFD? There are other, easier, ways to start a family. So why choose this?”

“Like I told you,” Michael begins, “I grew up in the system. And while I’d like to believe it’s gotten better, even good foster homes can’t replace a family. They’re good kids, stuck waiting for someone to love them, and if Alex and I can do that for at least a few of them, we want to.”

Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and wishes for the millionth time he could go back and change things for him. Beth turns her attention to him, and he knows he needs to answer, that he can’t rely on Michael to carry him through this. “One thing you’ll find out eventually is that I grew up in an abusive home,” Alex clears his throat and forces himself to keep talking. “Michael and I both know what it’s like to grow up without a safe or loving home. And what I didn't realize until I was older is how much that affects everything you do, every choice you make. It limits your life in ways you don’t notice because you are so busy trying to survive that you can’t really dream or take risks. We can give that, a safe and loving home, for kids who need it so they’ll be able to be who they want to be, not just who they are allowed to be.”

He can see Michael trying to hide his surprise - not at one Alex said, but that he was willing to share it with someone else. Beth seems pleased with his answer though, so Alex thinks his discomfort is worth it. Alex isn’t sure it will ever be easy for him to share his feelings, but opening up to Michael is the best thing he’s ever done, now he just has to keep trying.

“Ok,” Beth clasps her hands together, bringing their attention back to her. “Let’s talk next steps. You can register for the parenting class online, and Caleb will be your therapist.” She slides a business card across his desk. “You can call his office to set up your appointments. Once those two things are done, we’ll move on to interviews with your family and friends, background checks for anyone who might be alone with the children. Then your home study, and you’ll be in the home stretch.”

They decide to start with the parenting classes, partly because they are only offered a few times a year and partly because neither of them are eager to dive into counseling. It’s obvious most of the other participants view the class as a formality - a box to be checked off rather than something they need. And Alex understands, the information is basic, designed to cover the most common questions and scenarios, but it hits him and Michael differently.

They even joke about it with Sam and Meredith, an older couple in the class. They had their children young and decided fostering was the best answer to their empty nest syndrome. “It was either this,” Meredith explained, “or pestering our children for grandkids we know they aren’t ready for.”

“This class must be pretty useless to you,” Michael remarks. “You already raised your kids, you know what you're doing.”

“One thing we definitely learned,” Sam says with a laugh, “is that when it comes to kids you never really know what you are doing. This early stuff is old hat, we know what we need for the house, know kids need clothes and toys. But we are hoping they’ll talk more about how to help kids through the transition to foster care, how to make them feel like it is a home, even if it’s temporary. That’s what we need.”

“Do you think we’ll learn anything that will prepare us for that?” Alex asks.

“No, not really,” Meredith admits. “But any tips will help.”

It’s one of those early sessions that leaves Michael quiet and withdrawn. Even Alex isn’t giving the presenter his full attention - periodically checking his email - while they review the physical requirements expected of a foster home. He can feel the disinterest in the room as the topics reviewed feel like they should go without saying - running water and electricity, enough beds for all the children in the home, supervision to make sure the children attend school, commitment to providing fresh, hot meals.

But Alex feels Michael tense beside him, and he remembers nothing should be taken for granted. Michael’s quiet all night, hanging back while Alex talks to Sam and Meredith about good places to shop for children’s furniture and clothing. He doesn’t say much on the way home either, waiting until they are in bed - Alex wrapped around him from behind and Charlie sprawled across their feet - to bring it up.

“Do you think there were families like Sam and Meredith then, and what - I just didn’t get them?” he finally asks. “Bad luck of the draw?”

Alex hesitates because there is no good answer. “I think there have always been good and bad families, all we can hope is they are getting better at weeding out the bad.”

Michael snorts. “Can’t do much worse than they did with me.”

“You deserved better,” Alex tells him, slipping his hand under Michael’s tank top and resting it over his heart. “You deserved better then and you deserve better now.”

“I have better now,” Michael squeezes Alex’s hand. “I have the best now, but when you take a kid with a shit life and tell them you are going to make it better only to put them in a situation that’s just as bad, if not worse, it’s pretty hard for them to believe they deserve better.”

Alex knows there is nothing he can say to heal that hurt so he kisses the back of Michael’s neck and holds him tighter.

As the class progresses, it’s Alex who becomes unsettled. The focus shifts to understanding what traumas children in the system might have gone through, and how to handle common parenting situations. Participation becomes part of the class as they are asked to share ideas and concerns as a group. The more Alex listens and hears what a family should be like, the more he realizes just how much Jesse hurt him.

It’s not just the physical abuse - Alex likes to think he came to terms with that years ago. But it’s seeing how Jesse harmed him in other ways. How he isolated Alex, by restricting his free time and more tellingly by turning his brothers against him. Jesse continually set Alex up for failure and then used his failure against him as an example of weakness. He singled Alex out for criticism and punishment in ways that made it seem like Alex was the problem.

In hindsight, Alex realizes they should have taken a break after the parenting classes before scheduling their counseling sessions. They wanted to keep the process moving, but Alex was resistant to therapy in general, and going into when he was haunted by Jesse in ways he hadn’t been since the first months after his death was not his best decision.

They meet up with Maria the night before the first session, and the familiar comfort of spending time with her lulls him into a false sense of security.

“I can’t believe you're going to a therapist named Caleb,” she teases.

“What’s wrong with Caleb?” Michael asks at the same time Alex says, “I researched him, and his qualifications are legitimate.”

Maria ignores Alex and answers Michael instead. “I don’t know, Caleb just sounds like a frat boy.”

“I think you’re confusing Caleb with Chad,” Alex smirks at her.

Maria sticks her tongue out in response. “But seriously,” she says after they stop laughing, “how are things going?”

“Good,” Michael says, looking to Alex for confirmation. Alex nods and pulls Michael closer against his side. “We have a lot left to do, but each step we take makes it feel more real, like it will actually happen.”

“I can’t believe it,” Maria shakes her head. “I guess if any of us were going to be parents, it would be you two. But still.”

“We’ve got some time left before that happens,” Alex reassures her. “Did I tell you we’re looking for a house?”

“No! You want to move?”

Alex shrugs, “I wasn’t thinking about a family when I bought the house. We need something with more bedrooms and a bigger yard.”

Maria looks at him, and Alex can tell she’s trying to read him, see if his doubts are lingering. Whatever she finds makes her smile, “Not that you need it, but good luck - with the house and all of it.”

Alex wishes for Maria’s luck when Michael slams the door open after they come home from their first session with Caleb.

“What the hell was that, Alex,” he demands.

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me. I didn’t do anything,” Alex insists even though he knows that’s not exactly true.

“That’s one way to put it,” Michael agrees sarcastically. “You barely said a word, and you looked at Caleb like he was one step away from becoming the subject of a Deep Sky investigation. Could you have made it any more obvious that you didn’t want to be there?”

“That’s not what I was doing.” Alex reaches for Michael only to sigh when Michael crosses his arms and steps back. “I need this session to study him, to figure out what he wants from me.”

“What does that even mean?”

“There were times in the Air Force - after a bad mission or after I got hurt - that I had to be cleared before returning to duty. It was routine, we knew what to say. ‘Loss of life is regrettable but unavoidable. My belief in our mission remains steady.’ And just as important we knew what not to say. You didn’t admit that you hadn’t slept for a week because of nightmares or that you had no idea what the actual mission was. I don’t know the script here, and I just need time to figure it out.”

“Alex,” Michael sits on the couch and holds out his hand for Alex to join him. “This isn’t a test.”

Alex sits next to Michael, but only raises a brow in response.

“Ok,” Michael concedes, “ it is a test. But not one you need to cheat to pass.”

“We were trained to say the right thing, to never consider the truth.” Alex picks up Michael’s hand, playing with his fingers before lacing them with his. “I’m not trained for this, and I don't want to screw this up for us.”

“You won’t. I know it’s hard, and there are secrets we have to keep. But we aren’t trying to win here, we’re trying to be good parents. Obviously, we can’t tell Caleb I am an alien,” Michael begins.

“Or that my father ran a prison for aliens and my brother killed him,” Alex finishes.

“So those are things that are off limits,” Michael laughs. “But who we are, the things we went through, and who we want to be, we don’t have to be ashamed of any of that. We’re good people Alex, we don’t need to hide that.”

“I love you,” Alex tells him because he has to. Michael’s come so far, and Alex won’t let his fear hold him back. “I’ll try next time.”

“I love you too. And you won’t be there alone. I’ll be right there with you.”

It’s still hard at the next session to open up. He listens to Michael talk about his fear of not being good enough, of always being the one left behind. Pride at Michael’s courage and honesty wars with his own guilt for being one of the people who left Michael behind. They’ve been holding hands since they sat down, and Alex rubs his thumb in soothing circles as Michael talks.

When Caleb turns his attention to Alex, he grips Michael’s hand tightly as he stumbles through a description of his childhood, the hole his mother’s absence left, and the fear his father instilled in him.

Caleb studies him for a moment before asking, “What’s the worst thing your father did to you?”

Alex opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He turns to Michael, can’t help looking at his hand, but the answer still doesn’t come. Finally he says, “He made me afraid to be happy.”

Michael makes a noise when he hears Alex’s answer, and even Alex is surprised by what he said, but he knows it’s true.

“And now?” Caleb prompts him.

“I’m happy and he’s dead,” Alex answers without thinking about it. This time Michael laughs and even Caleb smiles.

“We can work with that,” he tells Alex.

Alex feels himself relax for the first time since they met Caleb. It's not that therapy is easy, but Alex stops fighting it. Caleb gives them homework each session. Sometimes it’s easy- like list five ways Michael thinks Alex will be a good father and vice versa. Sometimes it seems easy, but brings up more than they expect - like the time he asks Michael to list the people in his life he knows he can count on and give an example of when they have been there for him. Michael can only work on it a person at a time, the reality of the support he has overwhelming. And other times, it ties them up in knots from the beginning - like asking Alex to list the ways he’s not like his father. He has nightmares for days, but feels freer when they discuss it in their final mandatory session.

When Caleb signs off on their confirmation form, they ask him to take them on as regular clients. They agree to start with monthly sessions, and it feels like a good thing, not a punishment. Alex has never been afraid to work for what he wants, and he can do what he needs to so he’s a good father.

Midway through their mandatory sessions, they find a house. It’s in a rural section of Roswell, but still only twenty minutes from the center of town. The house is big and needs some updating, but Michael is happy to handle that with some help - or at least company - from Max. The best part is the setting. The house sits on five acres - already fenced in and includes two barns. Once the home study is over, they plan to convert one of the barns into a workshop for Michael to replace his bunker. And as for the other, Michael is talking about chickens before they even move in.

“Kids first, then livestock,” Alex teases him. He surprises Michael with a greenhouse, and that’s enough to occupy him for a while.

Everything seems to be falling into place, and Alex can’t help but notice how excited Michael is becoming. He points out families with children when they are out, nudging Alex and whispering, “That will be us soon.”

Michael’s meant to be a father, Alex has known this for a long time. It’s easy to picture Michael showing a little boy the alien Rosa drew in the Crashdown window or walking through downtown with a little girl riding on his shoulders. But now Alex is starting to see himself there too. He can imagine himself swinging their daughter off Michael’s shoulders to give her a kiss or helping their son finish the sundae he begged for, but can only eat half of. It surprises him how much he wants it, how much he wants to share all that with Michael.

Alex thought therapy would be the worst part of the process, but the home study is more stressful than he expected. They’ve talked to Beth a few times since their initial interview, and Alex is used to her cheerful determination. He assumed she would be doing the home study, but they are required to use an approved company which means dealing with a stranger.

It’s a struggle not to bristle at the feeling of being judged, of knowing all his answers are being dissected. But Alex does his best to be honest, and realizes how far he’s come when he can answer a question about what type of father he wants to be with something other than a sarcastic remark about anything being better than the example he had growing up. Michael is charming, and Alex tries, but it’s still a relief when Beth calls to tell them they passed with flying colors.

Alex always knew he would be the one to ruin it.

“Alex!” Michael throws open the door of the truck. “Are you ok?”

It’s a stupid question, they both know Alex isn’t ok. They’re supposed to be in Beth’s office making a plan to meet the children they would potentially adopt. Instead, Alex is sitting in the truck trying, and failing, to hold back tears. He only made it through the first ten minutes of the appointment before bolting, and he can’t imagine what Michael must be thinking.

Alex feels Michael’s hand on his leg, his touch tentative in a way that makes Alex feel even worse.

“What’s going on?” Michael asks quietly. “If you changed your mind, you just have to tell me.”

“It’s not that,” Alex says hastily. He wipes his face, but looks away from Michael or he knows the tears will continue. “I still want a family with you, I do, I just can’t”

“Can’t what?” Michael prompts when Alex doesn’t continue. “Come on, move over,” Michael tells him with a sigh. He climbs in and sits next to Alex when Alex slides over to the middle of the seat. It takes some maneuvering, but Alex ends up leaning on Michael’s chest, Michael’s hand stroking his back. “You need to talk to me, Alex. Not to be dramatic but you're starting to freak me out.”

“I can’t pick,” he admits quietly. Alex knows this is his own fault for being unprepared. This was the only step of the process he hasn’t researched extensively, and it left him blindsided. Alex expected Beth to show them the profiles of the children she thought would be the best fit, they would meet them a few times, and if all went well, they would proceed with the adoption. He was unprepared for her to turn her computer screen toward them, and show them a page filled with thumbnail pictures of children along with brief descriptions of what they like and why they were available for adoption. He could see the multiple page numbers at the bottom of the screen, and it felt like being introduced to the worst kind of dating app.

“What do you mean?”

“How am I, are we, supposed to look at all those kids and decide who deserves a home? How are we supposed to say we’ll take this one, but not that one?” Alex asks, almost pleading for Michael to have an answer he can live with.

“That’s not what we’re doing,” Michael runs a hand through his hair. “Placement is about trying to figure out the best match so that the adoption has the best chance for success. That’s what all the interviews and therapy and home study were about, figuring out which kids will fit with us.”

“And what if we pick wrong?”

“That’s what this meeting is for so Beth can help us. She knows us, she knows some of the kids, and she’s done this before. We aren’t making a final decision today. We can take our time,” Michael reassures him.

“That’s not what I mean. Even if we do everything right, and it all works out, it doesn't mean we didn’t miss something. That we didn’t overlook,” Alex stumbles, trying to find the right words. “I’m afraid that we won’t see, that will leave behind,”

Alex can see the moment Michael gets it. He was right when he said he knew Alex’s heart better than he did. “What if you leave me behind?”

“How many people passed you by without ever really seeing you? You were so good Michael, and you deserved so much more than you got. I looked at that screen, and every kid reminded me of you. I can’t do this,” Alex admits, turning away again so he doesn’t have to look at Michael, and see the kindness he doesn’t deserve. Alex had been expecting Michael to break down at some point, overwhelmed at dealing with the system that had failed him, had been preparing himself to help Michael through it. Instead Alex is the one falling apart, forcing Michael to comfort him.

“Alex, we could adopt every kid Beth shows us, and it won’t change anything for me. You can’t fix what’s already happened.” Michael turns Alex’s face so he’s looking at him again, wiping away his remaining tears and kissing him softly. “If we go through with this it has to be because we are ready to start a family not because you’re trying to save me.”

“I’m not trying to save you, I just don’t want to fail you.”

“I know,” Michael closes his eyes briefly. “And I love you for it. Listen, I’m going to go back in, let Beth know we need to reschedule. Why don’t you call Caleb’s office and see if we can get in this week.”

They don’t talk on the way home, but by silent agreement decide to reset once they get there - doing their best to act like nothing has changed. It’s easier to pretend, at least until their appointment with Caleb. Michael holds Alex’s hand and listens while Alex tries to explain why he panicked. He does his best to reassure Michael that he does want to adopt, but they all agree that it’s best to put things on hold for a month or two so Alex can untangle his feelings about adoption from his feelings about Michael.

Three weeks later, Greg calls.

“Hey, are you and Michael still looking into adoption?”

“Yes,” Alex replies. It’s easier than he thought it would be to answer, but he knows despite his setback, they haven’t given up..

“One of my students is looking for a family to adopt her baby, and I thought you might be interested.”

“Jesus,” Alex says, horrified. “You teach fourth grade.”

“Former student, sorry,” Greg clarifies. “She just finished her freshman year at Stanford and is home for the summer. Baby’s due in a few months, and she didn’t find a match in California so she thought she’d try closer to home. What do you think?”

They never talked about a baby, but as the idea settles in his chest, Alex knows he wants to try. “Yeah, I mean I have to run it by Michael, but I think he’ll want to meet her.”

They meet Amber a week later in Greg’s kitchen. Greg introduces them, and then leaves, telling them to make themselves at home. Amber has dark hair pulled back into a bun and wide, intelligent eyes. Alex’s first thought is that she is too young for this - too young to have a baby, too young to make this kind of decision. But when she starts talking, he realizes quickly that while she may be too young for all this responsibility, she’s not a child.

Michael asks her about school, and she immediately launches into a detailed description of the genetic research she’s doing and the advanced program she was accepted into. Alex doesn’t understand most of what she’s talking about, but she reminds him so much of Liz it almost hurts to look at her.

Michael lights up and starts talking about some of the research he helped Liz with - leaving out the alien origins of it. Alex is happy to sit back and let the details pass him by, drawn in as he always is by watching Michael talk about something he is passionate about.

“Where did you go to school?” Amber asks.

“I didn’t,” Michael’s smile falters. “Had a scholarship after high school, but things didn’t work out. I’m just always studying on my own. Liz, the woman I mentioned, she has multiple doctorates so I just follow her lead.”

“You more than keep up,” Alex reminds him. He lifts Michael’s hand - his left hand - and kisses it softly. He knows what happened in the shed isn’t the only reason Michael gave up college, but a part of him will always hold some guilt over Michael’s lost dreams.

Amber’s eyes dart between them before she turns her attention to Alex. “What about you?”

“I was in the Air Force for about ten years. Got my degree while I was enlisted, computer engineering.”

“Alex is one of the best hackers in the world,” Michael says proudly.

Alex shoots Michael a look, not sure his hacking skills are something to brag about. “I mostly work in research data analysis now. The company I work for tries to take the information available to us and apply it to previously unexplained events or phenomena like,” Alex searches his mind for an example he can share, “the Bermuda Triangle. I was trained in code breaking in the military so my sub specialty is languages. There is a lot we can use computers for when it comes to recovering dead languages or translating symbol based languages.”

What he doesn’t say of course is his interest in language is fueled by his need to discover how many previously dismissed references to aliens are real. So much of his work is rooted in getting answers for Michael, but he can’t tell Amber that. Still, she seems happy with his answer.

“So you understand then, why I need to go back to school. Why I can’t let this,” she gestures to her stomach, the first real reference any of them have made to why they are there, “stop me.”

Alex nods, not sure what to say. But he remembers her enthusiasm when talking about her research and how her smile dimmed when even the possibility of her not returning to school was mentioned, and he reaches for the notepad Michael brought with him, writes down Liz’s email and hands it to Amber. “This is Liz, our friend's email. She would be a great resource or mentor. Her parents are immigrants so she knows what it’s like to be a minority woman in science. She’s told us about how much her mentor helped her, and I know she would be happy to talk to you.”

“I didn’t offer you the baby yet,” Amber reminds him, her eyes narrowing.

“It’s not a bribe,” Alex explains, hoping he didn’t screw things up already. “Like I said, Liz knows the challenges you’ll face, and it shouldn’t be any harder for you than it needs to be. If we’ve learned anything from working with her, it’s that changing the work is a lot easier with help. It’s just an offer, no strings.”

“Ok,” she nods and takes the paper. “I have some questions.”

She doesn’t ask them anything they haven’t been asked before - by Beth, by Caleb, during the home study. But Alex tries to be more open, a little more honest with her. They show her pictures of the house and of Charlie. Michael talks about his plans for chickens and maybe goats, shows her the greenhouse and the fields.

“This is our first crop of sunflowers at the house. See how tall they are already. Sanders grumbles about the drive, but he knows we have better soil,” he says proudly.

“Sanders?” Amber asks.

“Sanders and I have been growing prize winning sunflowers for a few years now. He’s my boss at the junkyard, but he’s family too. He’ll be the closest the kids will have to a grandfather.”

“Don’t forget Arturo,” Alex adds.

“True. But Sanders, uhh, here let me show you.” Michael pulls something up on his phone and hands it to Amber. “He’s not much for pictures, but he let us take a few at the wedding.”

Michael ends up going through the whole wedding album he has saved on his phone, introducing her to everyone in their family as he scrolls through the photos. “Are you singing?” Amber asks when they come to a picture of Michael on stage.

“Yeah,” Michael blushes and rubs the back of his neck. “It was a surprise for Alex at the reception. But he’s the real musician in the family. Writes his own music, he’s even written me a few songs. He’ll definitely be in charge of singing the kids to sleep.”

“What do you play?

“Guitar and keyboard mostly. We bought a piano when we bought the house and that’s what I like to compose on. My first guitar was actually a hand me down from Greg,” Alex laughs. “Michael had it for a while too.”

Amber looks curious at the mention of Greg. “How long have you been married? Was Greg still in the Navy?”

“No, he couldn’t make the wedding because of school,” Alex explains, assuming she is wondering why he wasn’t there.

“We’ve been married almost two years,” Michael adds. “But it’s been on and off since high school.”

“High school?” Amber’s eyes widen. “Sounds like an epic love story.”

“Cosmic,” Michael mumbles. Alex elbows him, but smiles.

“It took us a while to figure things out, but we’ve always loved each other. It’s always been Michael,” Alex shrugs.

Amber hands the phone back to Michael, “It seems like you have a beautiful family.”

“Thanks, I know it’s probably a cliche, but that’s what we want for our kids. From what we told you, I’m sure you figured out our childhoods sucked.” They all laugh. “But we can give our kids all the things we didn’t have. A place to run around, a chance to just be kids and do whatever they want if that’s sports or art or reading. They can do what they want and have the freedom to make mistakes because they’ll have people who will love them and support them no matter what. More than just us, you know.”

“I know you have questions too, but I’ll just get the big ones out of the way. There’s no father, at least not one that I can name. I aced my first big exam and decided to celebrate. Found out there really is such a thing as being blackout drunk. I woke up the next morning on someone’s couch with half my clothes missing. I have no idea who I was with. Is that a problem?”

Amber tells the story with no emotion, just a statement of fact, and Alex can tell she doesn’t want sympathy so he just shakes his head and sees Michael do the same.

“Good,” Amber nods. “I was working with an agency in California so I’ve had all the counseling sessions. I’m not going to change my mind. I don’t know if I ever want to be a mother, but I know I don’t want to be one now. I’d have to move back here, drop out of Stanford, and what, if I’m lucky, go to community college once she starts school?”

“She?” Michael asks. Alex sees him wince, knows he didn’t mean to interrupt, but they hadn’t known the baby was a girl.

“Yes, and she deserves better than a mother who resents her. I worked too hard to get into Stanford to become another girl from the rez who can’t hack in the real world,” Amber stops, bitterness lacing her voice, and shakes her head. When she speaks again, her tone is softer. “That’s what happened to my mom, and she always told me I ruined her life. I want better for her.”

Before either of them can respond, Amber excuses herself to go to the restroom. She seems more composed when she comes back, accepting the iced tea Alex poured while she was gone.

“So what do you want to know?”

Alex turns to Michael, watches as he picks up his notebook and turns to his list of questions. “What kind of contact do you want after the adoption,” he asks.

“None,” Amber shrugs. “I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person, but I don’t think of her as my daughter. This is a process I’m going through, and once she’s born my part is done. My grandmother would probably like a picture every now and then, but that’s up to you. She lives here so you can contact her through Greg if you want.”

That brings up a concern Alex has. “Obviously you know Greg’s my brother, but other than visiting him the last few years, I haven’t been on the reservation since my mom left. I don’t have much of a connection to that side of my heritage. Is that a problem?”

“Will you answer questions if she has them? Help her learn what it means to be Native if she wants?” When Alex nods she seems satisfied. “That’s enough. When I go back to school I’m never coming back so it would be pretty hypocritical of me to judge you for that.”

“She would spend time here, with us and Greg, it just isn't’ something that’s part of our daily lives,” Alex clarifies.

“What else?” she asks.

Alex watches Michael look over his list of questions before closing the notebook. “I don’t think there is anything else we need to know.” He looks to Alex for confirmation. “This is for you to get to know us, see if we might be the kind of people you want to adopt your baby. We’re not here to judge you. So if you have more questions or want to see the house or whatever, go for it. But we’re good.”

“Ok,” Amber agrees.

“So, we can give our numbers or you can reach out though Greg once you’ve made a decision,” Alex tells her.

“I met with several families in California, and they were all nice, but it never felt right. I think it’s because I was waiting for you. I don’t need time. If you want her, she’s yours.”

“Really,” Michael’s face lights up.

“Of course we do, thank you,” Alex forces out, his throat tight. “We have a case worker so we’ll get in touch with her and figure out what’s next.”

When they are walking out to their cars, Alex texting Greg to let him know he can come back, Michael stops Amber. “I do have one question. Do you have any thoughts on a name?”

“She’s your daughter, you pick the name,” Amber reminds them. “Just let me know, and I’ll have it put on the original birth certificate.”

They sit in the truck together and watch her drive away, Michael making no move to start the truck. “We’re going to be dads. I can’t believe it,” he turns to Alex, tears shining in his eyes.

“We have a daughter,” Alex says in awe. He gives Michael a watery smile.

“Do you want to name her Nora?” he asks Michael once they are on the way home. Michael turns to briefly look at him, but doesn’t answer right away.

“She needs her own name,” Michael tells him once they are home. “I don’t want her to feel like she has to live up to something or be a replacement.”

They call Beth the next morning. She tells them that since Amber is an enrolled member of the Tribe, the adoption needs to be approved by the Tribal Council. That also means Beth can handle the paperwork rather than requiring them to go with a private agency that handles infant adoptions. She meets them at the hearing, and Alex can’t help but apologize for not following through on their plans.

“Alex, there’s nothing to be sorry about. Would I have loved to place one of my kids with you, of course I would. But a child who needs a family is going to be raised in a loving home. How can I not see that as a win?”

“It feels like this is what was supposed to happen,” he admits.

“Then let’s go get you your daughter.”

Since Alex is also an enrolled member, and they’ve committed to enrolling the baby, the hearing is mostly a formality. Greg comes and speaks on their behalf, and in less than an hour, the adoption is approved.

The hearing is also the last time they see Amber in person. They talk for a few minutes after, but Alex can tell while she’s obviously relieved, she doesn’t want to linger. Her smile brightens when Michael tells her the name they’ve chosen, Amirah Estelle.

“It’s beautiful, I think she’ll love it.”

There’s no way to thank her for what she is giving them so they just try not to make it awkward. They introduce her to Beth, and quietly say goodbye, leaving them to discuss the details of what comes next for Amber.

Their second anniversary falls a month before Amber’s due date, and they spend a week at Eduardo’s villa in Mexico celebrating. It has a private beach, and Alex watches the sun turn Michael’s skin a deep gold while lightening his curls so he glows in a way that makes Alex’s chest hurt. Alex spends hours licking the salt from Michael’s skin while they get sleepy drunk on Valenti’s family tequila. It’s perfect and the days stretch out and go by too fast at the same time.

“We won’t be able to do this next year,” Michael says on their last night.

Alex looks up from where he’d been dozing on Michael’s chest, listening to Michael’s heartbeat while Michael stroked his hair. “Someone will take her for a few days, or we’ll just bring her with us.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” Alex props himself up on his elbow. “I was afraid of losing this when you first mentioned kids. I was worried about losing parts of you, but now I’m more excited about the parts of you I’ll gain.”

“Like what?” Michael asks, wiggling down on the bed so their faces are even.

“I want to see you hold our daughter, I want to see you show her the stars, and I want to see if you’ll be strict about homework or get thrown out of Little League games or if you’ll be the one to braid her hair. I love everything about you, Michael. And now I get to see you as a father and love you even more.”

“Alex,” Michael breathes, blinking back tears. “I love you so much, and I can’t believe I get to have a baby with you. You are going to be an amazing father.”

“I hope so,” Alex smiles at Michael’s confidence in him. “But in the meantime, we should take advantage of our time alone. He kisses Michael, laughing when Michael rolls them over, and there’s no more talking after that.

They come home to find a nursery painted in a muted version of the Oasian sky, stars dotting the ceiling and iridescent butteerflies and glowing birds flying across the walls. The empty room they left behind is fully furnished, the closet and dresser filled with clothes.

“You said no baby shower, but you didn’t say no gifts,” Isobel reminds them when she shows them the room. “Rosa’s been working on the design for weeks with Max so you better like it.”

It’s beautiful, and he and Michael find themselves in there several times a day. Seeing the space for a baby in their home makes their impending parenthood finally feel real.

Beth is the one to call them when Amirah is born, and she meets them when they arrive. “She looks great,” she immediately reassures them. “Healthy and strong. The hospital will keep her for forty-eight hours, and you can stay with her in one of the family rooms off the NICU. If Amber signs the relinquishment papers, you can take her home after that.”

Neither of them ask what will happen if Amber doesn’t sign the papers, because they can’t think about that when they desperately want to meet their daughter. She’s sleeping when they first see her, a tiny bundle in the hospital bassinet. The lights are turned down low, but Alex can still see the way her hair peeps out from underneath her hat, see the curve of her cheek.

The nurse in the room fills them in on all her measurements - weight, length, APGAR score. “We want to do two hours of skin to skin contact with both of you to help with the bonding process.”

Alex knew this was coming, but it’s still awkward to take off their shirts and climb into a hospital bed together. He nudges Michael to go first when the nurse comes over with Amirah. She settles her against Michael’s chest and covers them with a blanket. “Feel free to play music if you want or just talk to her. I’ll be back when it’s time for her next bottle. Just hit the alert button if you need anything.”

And then they’re alone, just the three of them. And it hits Alex that it will be the three of them from now on. He and Michael have a daughter. Alex is sitting behind Michael so he tucks his face into his neck so he can see Amirah over Michael’s shoulder.

Alex watches as Michael carefully traces one finger over her face and down her back. Amirah’s still asleep, but she wiggles slightly in response to Michael’s touch. “She’s so beautiful,” Michael whispers.

“Mmmhmm,” Alex hums his agreement. He turns his head to look at Michael, soaking in the love and awe on his face. Tears fall silently, and Alex brushes them away before kissing his cheek.

There’s something intimate and peaceful about this time alone together, Alex holding Michael while he holds their daughter, the room dark and quiet. He understands why the hospital recommends it. Just when Amirah starts to fuss, the nurse comes in with her bottle. She walks them through feeding and changing her. When she is settled and checked over, they rearrange themselves on the bed, and this time the nurse hands Amirah to Alex.

She blinks up at him before falling back asleep, and he can’t believe how small and light she is for all the space she takes up in his heart. Alex doesn’t cry when he holds her. His love for her doesn’t feel soft - it’s fierce and already rooted deeper than he imagined. He told Michael once that he would burn the world down for him, and he knows he would do the same for Amirah in a heartbeat. Alex closes his eyes and settles himself and Amirah in Michael’s embrace and silently promises that her happiness and safety will always be his priority.

Their two days in the hospital are a nice bubble from the world, but they also go by quickly - a crash course in caring for a baby they both need. Research and video tutorials can’t truly prepare them for a living child. They learn that Amber was released the morning after Amirah was born, and she signs the relinquishment papers as soon as the forty-eight hours are up. Greg later tells Alex that Amber spent a week with her grandmother before returning to Stanford for the second summer session.

Beth brings them all the paperwork they need to prove they have custody of Amirah once she is ready to be released. She walks them out, hugging them both once Amirah is secure in her car seat. “I’ll be by in a few weeks to check in on her, make sure you are all settling in. And remember, you can’t post any pictures until the adoption is finalized.”

Michael laughs, “No worries there. Alex has strong opinions about the dangers of social media.”

“It’s not just identity theft, which is easy enough, but anything you post can be manipulated. I can’t believe how vulnerable people leave themselves for a few seconds on validation.” Michael clears his throat, and Alex realizes he probably shouldn’t explain how he can - and has - used social media as a weapon against people he found profiting off stolen alien artifacts. Beth doesn’t need to know he can ruin someone’s life in five minutes without ever leaving his desk.

“I can tell she’s in good hands,” Beth smiles at them. “We’ll talk soon.”

Their first week at home is a disaster. Everything that was so easy at the hospital becomes a battle. Amirah doesn’t want to eat or sleep, she flails through her bath, making both Alex and Michael terrified of dropping her. “Do you think it’s safe for me to catch her with telekinesis if we drop her?” he asks as they struggle to contain a slippery infant.

“It’s better than letting her hit the floor,” Alex admits. “But we should probably stick with just not dropping her.”

Despite their eagerness to introduce her to their family, the constant stream of visitors makes it hard to settle into a routine. Everyone has advice to give even though, Arturo excluded, they have no more experience with babies than Alex or Michael do. Amirah shows a strong preference for Max - quieting the quickest when he holds her. No one can figure out exactly what he’s doing, but it almost always works.

“Well it’s not an alien thing,” Isobel tells them when Amirah refuses to take a bottle from her.

“And it’s not a guy thing,” Kyle says, conceding defeat when none of his doctor tricks work on getting her to sleep.

“Don’t look at me,” Liz hands Amirah back to Max after she spits up on her. “I’ll be her favorite as soon as she’s old enough for her first chemistry set. But for now, Max is the baby whisperer.”

Eventually the visits slow to a manageable level and they settle into daily life with a baby. Sanders bans Michael from the junkyard for two weeks, and Alex has twelve weeks of paternity leave. It’s all bottles and diapers and figuring out snaps on clothes and still remembering to walk Charlie, but they make it work.

The first time Amirah reaches for him, kicking her legs and cooing, when he goes to pick her up, Alex finds himself tearing up. He sits with Amirah in the recliner and lets himself cry the tears he didn’t have at the hospital. As she watches him, eyes too wise for her age, he realizes it is not just about him loving her, it’s also about her loving him, about her looking to him for love and guidance and support.

Michael finds him, and asks carefully, “Are you ok?” When Alex nods, he settles on the floor in front of them, resting his head on Alex’s knee. “It’s a lot, isn’t it.”

“I didn’t realize,” Alex’s voice trails off, not sure what he’s trying to say.

“I know,” Michael says. “She’s everything.”

Alex knows Michael understands everything he doesn’t have words for yet, and he’s so grateful they’re doing this together. “Not just her,” Alex runs his hand through Michael’s hair.

“Yeah,” Michael agrees, turning his head to kiss Alex’s knee. Neither of them move until Amirah demands her dinner.

Amirah’s first cold is a week of sleepless nights and worrying. Three days into it, Isobel arrives with dinner and a promise to walk with Amirah so they can eat and take a nap. The food is delicious, but Alex’s eyes are dropping before he gets halfway through his milkshake. He falls asleep on the couch while Michael is showing Isobel how the vaporizer works.

He wakes to voices and the smell of coffee and realizes Michael and Isobel must be in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe she’s still asleep,” Michael says.

“I may have encouraged her a bit,” Isobel replies.

Alex sits up, suddenly wide awake, but before he can get up he hears Michael say something he can’t quite make out. Isobel laughs in response.

“I’m kidding. No influencing the baby, I got it.”

Alex relaxes again, letting their conversation wash over him, tuning in when something catches his attention.

“You’re a good dad, Michael. I knew you would be,” he hears Isobel tell Michael.

“You’ll be a good mom, too,” he assures her.

“Maybe,” Isobel sighs. “I’m not sure it will happen for me.”

“Hey, my offer of baby gravy still stands.”

Alex makes a face at the same time he hears Isobel snort.

“I told you not to call it that. And while I appreciate the offer, I figure it out myself if I’m ready.”

“If you change your mind, all you have to do is ask.” Michael’s reply is the last thing Alex hears before he falls asleep again.

The next time he wakes up, the house is dark and Isobel is gone. He checks on Amirah and finds her still asleep in her crib, breathing a little easier, Charlie guarding her from the hallway. Michael is also asleep so Alex takes a quick shower before joining him in bed. He watches Michael sleep and thinks of his conversation with Isobel. Since they planned on adopting older children, they never talked about other options. But Amirah changed that, and Alex wonders if Michael wants a child of his own - one with his curls or his quick mind.

He brings it up the next morning after Amirah’s bath. “If we had another baby, would you want to use a surrogate?”

“What?” Michael looks up from where he’d been rubbing lotion onto Amirah’s legs.

“I heard you and Isobel talking last night,” Alex shrugs. “We never considered it before, and I wondered if that’s something you’d want.”

“Nah,” Michael shakes his head before leaning down and blowing a raspberry on Amirah’s belly. “You think I could love this one more if we shared some DNA. No way.”

“It’s not about that, I just want you to have the option.”

“Don’t need it,” Michael insists. “I have no desire to pass on my genetics.” He holds up a hand when Alex starts to protest. “I do it for Isobel if she asked, but it’s not how I want to build our family. I like what we’re doing so far. Ok?”

“Ok,” Alex agrees, picking up Amirah and wrestling her into a clean sleeper.

When Alex’s leave is up, he makes arrangements to work from home three days a week, and Michael adjusts his schedule so one of them is always home with Amirah.

“I can’t believe it,” Liz shakes her head when he tells her. “I thought you’d be dying to get back to work.”

“Not really. Don’t get me wrong, there are some projects I am eager to get back to, but I’d much rather work from home as much as I can.” Alex peeks under the blanket he’d thrown over Amirah to make sure she was still asleep before shifting her a little higher on his chest. Max and Liz had come over for dinner and it was warm enough for Liz and Alex to stay out on the deck while Max and Michael were in the workshop going over something for Max’s next visit to Oasis. She snuffles a little so he kisses her forehead and shushes her softly. “That’s my girl,” he croones once she closes her eyes again.

“You're such a dad,” Liz smiles at him when he looks up.

Alex smiles back, not the slightest bit concerned about letting everyone know how much he loves his daughter. “She makes it easy.”

“No, I think it’s you. You and Michael both, you’re meant for this. Max will be an amazing father, too. And we’re starting to talk about when and how that might happen, but I don’t think I’ll be the one staying home,” Liz admits hesitantly.

“That’s fine,” Alex reaches over and squeezes her hand. “There’s no one way to do this, and you know that. Besides, I don't think there is a safe way to run a genetics lab in the same house as children, and you still have a Nobel Prize to win.”

“True,” Liz laughs.

Alex looks at Liz and finally works up the courage to ask the question he’s been afraid to ask. “Has she reached out to you?”

“Alex,” Liz chides him gently. “Do you really want to know?”

“No,” Alex admits guiltily. “It’s just I’m happy Liz, I’m so fucking happy, but I don’t know if Amber is. And I don’t want to know because,” he tightens his hold on Amirah. “Because I wouldn’t change anything.”

“You’re responsible for Amirah and her happiness, not Amber’s,” Liz tells him.

“It’s hard to remember that when I have her daughter.”

“Amirah is your daughter, not Amber’s. That’s the choice Amber made, and one you and Michael accepted. From what you told me, she knew what she wanted. Don’t take her choice away from her because you feel guilty about being happy.”

Alex knows she’s right, but the closer the adoption gets, the more he worries that somehow he’s unworthy of so much happiness, and he’s going to lose it. He and Caleb are working on it, but it’s a hard demon to shake. “What would you have done,” he asks Liz, “if you had gotten pregnant in college?”

Liz looks stricken when he asks the question, and he instantly feels guilty for even asking. “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business.”

“No it’s ok. Probably something like this,” Liz gestures to Alex and Amirah before biting her lip and looking away. “Or maybe I wouldn’t have let it get this far.”

“Liz,” Alex takes her hand again, mentally berating himself for asking her to bare her soul to comfort him.

She looks up and crosses herself, muttering in Spanish before squeezing his hand. “Papi would be devastated if he knew I thought it let alone said it out loud, but it’s true. I worked so hard to be the smartest, to be the best, and for a long time that’s all I had. I couldn’t have given that up, it would have killed me.”

Alex just shakes his head, not knowing what to say.

“When you are a girl, you’re told anything you want to do, anything you accomplish is temporary. You’re supposed to set it aside one day to be a mother. That’s supposed to be your real dream. But that’s not true for all of us. It’s not true for me, and if Amber’s as much like me as she sounds, it’s not true for her either. What you did, giving her the freedom to follow her dreams, that was a gift. You helped both of them, you didn’t take anything from her.”

“I hope you’re right,” he says softly.

“I’m always right,” Liz insists, breaking the tension.

Amirah’s adoption is finalized when she’s six months out. She’s quiet in Alex’s arms, taking in the unfamiliar environment. But when the judge asks for a picture with the new family, she giggles and pulls at his beard. The picture on their mantle shows all of them laughing, the judge making a funny face at Amirah as she claps her hands.

Since their hearing was in the morning, Maria throws a party at the Wild Pony before it opens. Amirah is happy to be passed from person to person, basking in the attention, leaving Alex and Michael free to socialize and eat using both hands. She crashes a few hours in, falling asleep in Max’s arms.

As things are winding down, Alex boxes the leftover cake and snags Maria by the waist when she walks by to clear away the empty platters. “Thanks for this,” he presses a kiss to her temple.

“I remember you telling me you wanted your kids to grow up in the Pony, so this seemed like a good way to start,” Maria teases him.

“This isn’t quite what I meant,” he says, feeling the gentle tug of nostalgia for the dreams he once had.

“I know,” Maria agrees softly. “But it’s how it was always meant to be.”

“Maybe,” he agrees, looking over to where Amirah is awake and back with Michael, both of them flipping through a picture book Rosa made for her.

They’re not her first steps, but one day Amirah runs from Michael to Alex on unsteady legs, yelling “Da, Da, Da, Da,” and Alex knows what he wants. He catches her in her arms, kissing her face and neck until she is laughing and wiggling to get down so she can run back to Michael.

Alex doesn’t say anything then because it’s easy to be sure when Amirah is happy and Michael is playing with her and listening to her babbling like she’s telling him the secrets of the universe. He waits until after bath time when Amirah screams the whole time because she recently decided she hates getting her hair wet. He waits until he’s more exhausted than she is, but she’s still fighting sleep, her earlier cries whittled down to occasional wet gasps.

He waits while Michael straightens the bathroom and takes Charlies out. He waits until they fall into bed, too tired to do more than cuddle. He waits until nothing is perfect, but he still knows what he wants.

“I think we should call Beth,” he whispers into Michael’s neck.

#miniastrophyicist #rnmsecretsanta23 #malex fic #rnm fic #my fic #future fic #kid fic

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meggie-jolly · 4 months

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Best Friend's Boyfriend's Cousin - A RNM Malex Fanfic

Happy Holidays @bloggingbisexually! Here is your @rnm-secret-santa gift, I hope you enjoy it. It's a canon divergent AU where Michael never went back to Roswell and didn't meet Max and Isobel again until after High School. So Michael and Alex never met and when Alex plans to move to New York to pursue his music, Liz and Max think it would be a great idea to move in with Michael, who is in New York to go to NYU. As far as Alex knows, Michael is a cousin of Max and Isobel who they found through one of those DNA test kits and databank. I hope this fluffy roommate AU is to your liking, I certainly enjoyed writing it. Read it on AO3 (The formatting doesn't really translate onto Tumblr, so I recommend reading it on AO3)

“This is a terrible idea. I don’t even know this guy.”

“You don’t know anyone in New York. At least you know someone who knows him.”

“To be honest I barely know Max and Isobel, so it's more that I know someone who knows someone who knows him." Alex argued. "And what if I don’t get along with him? Then that will be much more awkward than if he was a random stranger with no connection to me or anyone I know.”

Liz rolled her eyes, “Oh come on, give him a chance. Where else are you going to find a roommate that already has an apartment lined up?”

Alex sighed, he didn’t like the idea of living with some relative of Liz’ boyfriend. It seemed too complicated and there was just something off about the whole situation. This Michael guy Liz wanted him to live with was supposedly a long lost cousin that Max and his sister had found through one of those online DNA test kits a few months ago and that they were just getting to know each other now. Michael was about to move to NewYork because he had a scholarship for an engineering program and was looking for a roommate. Alex was planning to move to New York as well to pursue his music and Liz, Isobel and Max had gotten it in their heads that that was the perfect coincidence and meant Alex and Michael should be roommates. Alex was not convinced and he had no idea what Michael thought about the whole idea.

“What if he turns out to be a homophobic dick?” Alex asked in an attempt to convince Liz that this wasn’t the perfect idea she thought it was.

“Iz and Max know you’re gay. They wouldn’t recommend him as your roommate if he’s gonna have a problem with your sexuality.”

"Do they even know him well enough to know how he feels about queer people?"

Liz looked a little uncomfortable, "I think so."

Alex just raised an eyebrow at her in response and she rolled her eyes.

"Oh come on, as if you would know if a complete stranger you found on the internet was homophobic or not."

Alex was about to reply, but Maria, who had been silently following their conversation for a while interrupted him. "Stop arguing you two. You both have good points, but honestly Alex, Liz is right, your chances in finding a good roommate in New York from a distance aren't any better than taking a chance on Max' cousin. Just ask for his contact info and set up a meeting or a call or something before you agree to live with him."

With a sigh Alex agreed, “I guess, but I’m blaming you two if this goes wrong. You four, actually.”

Liz grinned and pulled out her phone to get the contact details from Max. “I have a good feeling about this, so I’ll take that risk.”

“Nope, stop. One of you with psychic feelings is enough,” Alex said with a groan which Liz and Maria only laughed at.

Max replied with Michael’s contact information soon after and even though it took Alex a few days, he eventually reached out to Michael. They didn’t end up meeting, but they texted back and forth for a bit and had a short conversation over the phone. The convenience of it all won out in the end and Alex agreed to share the small two bedroom apartment that Michael had lined up in New York.

A little less than a month later Alex arrived in New York. He'd been there only once before when Mimi had agreed to take him, Liz and Maria after they had saved up for it for months when they had been 15. They had gone to an open mic thing at a small coffee shop/bar place that Alex still wasn't sure three 15 year olds should have been allowed in, but Mimi had known someone there and gotten them in. It was that night that Alex' dream to someday be a musician in New York had been born and now it would finally become a reality. Hopefully.

He pulled out the key that Max had given him on behalf of Michael and opened the door to the apartment building. Michael had texted earlier that he was out and that Alex should just make himself at home, he would be back later and bring pizza.

Alex was actually pretty relieved that he had the first few hours to himself. He walked up the multiple flights of stairs to the apartment, glad that he only had a backpack, a duffel bag and a suitcase. Apparently there were perks to having so little stuff to call his own.

He unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside of his new home.

After exploring the apartment and unpacking his things, Alex ended up sitting on the couch, aimlessly scrolling through his phone and feeling awkward. He didn't have the wifi password yet, so he couldn't get any of his work for the remote programming course he was taking done, he didn't feel up to working on his music and he didn't want to miss Michael coming back, so exploring the neighborhood was out as well.

Half an eternity of boredom later - or at least it felt like that -, Alex was just about to go out after all, when he heard keys in the lock and quickly sat up straighter to make a good first impression.

The door opened and Alex' mouth went dry because, damn Michael Guerin was hot.

He had expected someone who looked like Max or Isobel, who were, in Alex' opinion, good looking but not his type at all. Their cousin on the other hand... Alex took in the grease stained jeans that looked well-worn and hung low on Michael's hips. He was wearing a slightly frayed but soft looking button up shirt that had more buttons undone than strictly appropriate for just coming back from work. To round out the look he was wearing a cowboy hat. In New York. And it didn't look pretentious at all, he just looked like a cowboy, which Alex supposed, he was. He was from New Mexico after all.

Michael set down the pizza box he was carrying, took off his hat and revealed messy, slightly sweaty curls that made Alex consider sitting on his hands to keep himself from reaching out to run them through Michael's hair. Fuck that guy was hot. This had been a spectacularly bad idea. He was in New York to become a musician, not to develop a crush on his roommate who also happened to be related to his best friend's boyfriend.

Michael smiled at Alex and pushed his curls back before extending a hand to Alex. "Hi, you must be Alex. I hope you found everything ok."

Alex stood up quickly and shook Michael's hand. "Yeah, it was no problem. Thanks for setting everything up."

"No problem, it wasn't much. Just some cleaning and a few general repairs. The previous tenant was a bit… optimistic in his assessment of the furniture they left behind."

"Don't worry about it, we'll figure it out," Alex said with a shrug and realized he was still holding Michael's hand.

He quickly pulled his hand back and cleared his throat. "Uhm, I brought some beer to go with the pizza. I'll go get it."

"Oh sure, thanks. Let me just go wash up, I'll be right back."

Alex grabbed some napkins and a beer for each of them and then pulled out his phone to text Maria and Liz.

05:43 pm

This was a terrible idea

Why did no one tell me he's hot?

Michael came out of his room a few moments later and sat next to Alex on the couch and Alex handed him a beer.

"Thanks, I went with plain cheese pizza, I hope that's ok. I wasn't sure what you like."

"Cheese is always good, thanks for getting it."

"No problem, Isobel probably would have had my head if she found out I didn't do anything to welcome you."

Alex laughed, he didn't know Isobel Evans that well, but that sounded like her.

"Sounds like you three have gotten pretty close in a short time."

Michael shifted slightly uncomfortably and Alex regretted bringing it up instantly. It was way too personal a question for someone you met less than half an hour ago. He was about to take it back when Michale answered.

"Yeah well, they're the only family I've ever met, so…"

Alex took a swig of his beer to get a second to come up with an answer. "Well, it's really good you guys found each other through that DNA thing then."

"Yeah…" Michael nodded and took a swig as well, "What about you, are you close to your family?"

Alex couldn't help but laugh. "No. Not at all. That's part of the reason why I'm here. But let's not get into that tonight, ok?"

"Yeah, of course. Sorry to bring it up."

Alex just shrugged and they both ate their pizza in silence for a moment. Alex felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, probably with answers from Liz and Maria, but he chose to ignore them for now.

The silence was starting to become awkward and Alex was racking his brain to come up with a good topic, when Michael spoke again:

"So, Max said you're here to make music? What kind of music?"

That proved to be a shared interest as Michael played guitar as well and they fell into an easy conversation of their favorite music and bands. Alex told Michael about his plans for getting into the New York music scene and soon the pizza and beer was gone.

Once they both went to their respective rooms, Alex had a chance to check his phone.

Liz Ortecho

05:57 pm

Is he? I haven’t met him yet.

Maria DeLuca

05:59 pm

Send us a picture!

07:19 pm

I can’t just take a picture of him, that’s weird. Ask Max or Isobel if they have one.

Liz Ortecho

07:21 pm

Hold on, I’ll text Max.

Marie DeLuca

07:22 pm

How’s the apartment besides the hot roommate?

07:22 pm

Pretty good It’s nothing fancy obviously. I definitely need a new mattress but it has everything I need.

Michael and I just had pizza and beer and talked for a while. I think we’ll get along fine.

As soon as I get over how hot he is.

Liz Ortecho

07:24 pm

Max sent me this picture of the three of them. He’s cute

07:25 pm

Okay, now picture him in grease stained work clothes and a cowboy hat.

Marie DeLuca

07:27 pm

I can see that I just didn’t know that was your type. I thought you were more into the brooding musician guy

07:28 pm

Yeah well I didn’t either. Maybe it’s just really early homesickness or something

Also he does play guitar.

Maria DeLuca

07:29 pm

😂

Liz Ortecho

07:29 pm

😂

Good luck with that! Do you want me to find out if Max knows if he’s into guys?

07:31 pm

No! Don’t you dare!

He’s just hot, I’m not starting anything with him. He’s my roommate and related to your boyfriend. That’s just way too much drama.

I’m sure I’ll find other hot guys to hook up with in New York

Liz Ortecho

07:34 pm

Oh sure Still… the convenience… ;)

07:35 pm

LIZ!

Maria DeLuca

07:36 pm

😂

07:38 pm

I miss you already.

Liz Ortecho

07:39 pm

❤️

Maria DeLuca

07:40 pm

We miss you too! ❤️

07:42 pm

I should get some work done though so I can explore tomorrow. Talk to you soon!

Alex put away his phone and pulled his laptop out. Michael had given him the Wifi password, so he could get started on his programming homework.

Their life as roommates went pretty smoothly. Michael wen't to class and to his job, and Alex did his remote course work, worked on his music (so far none of the neighbors had complained), and he had also found a part time job at a little record shop. In his spare time he checked out as many bars, coffee shops and clubs that were known for letting newcomers play there as he could find. So far he hadn’t been brave enough to sign up for any open mics or anything similar, but he was starting to make some connections. The networking was his least favorite part about the entire thing, but it was necessary.

Since they were both busy and their schedules didn’t always line up, they didn’t actually see each other that much, but when they did, they got along great. From time to time they played music together, Alex had been able to organize Michael a cheap guitar from the record shop, and that really helped when Alex was hit with music block. It was also just a lot of fun, he hadn’t had many people to just jam with back in Roswell.

Sometimes they tried to cook together. Neither of them had really had the chance to learn growing up, so now they were trying to teach each other. The kitchen usually looked a mess after they finished, but so far they had only managed one truly inedible thing, to both their surprises.

Tonight they were attempting to make soup and since lots of sources on the internet had said they could basically just throw in vegetables and broth, cook it and then puree it, they weren’t using a recipe for the first time.

“Okay, we have potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, bell peppers, peas, tomatoes and broccoli. Do you think it matters what we start with?” Alex asked, looking over all the produce that was spread out in their kitchen, which was too small to hold it all.

Michael shrugged, “I don’t think so, I mean we’re cooking and pureeing it all together, so we don’t have to keep the different cook times in mind, right?”

“Probably not. Okay, I’ll start peeling the potatoes.”

“Good, I’ll tackle the broccoli.”

They both got to work, luckily they had invested in some decent knives but even with those they were both cursing. Who knew it was so hard to peel sweet potatoes and cut broccoli?

“How do these little green bits get everywhere? I’m pretty sure we’ll still be finding them by the time we move out.”

“Eh, I’m sure ants or something will get them. Maybe mice.”

“Don’t even joke about that.”

Alex laughed and then somehow launched the sweet potato he was battling across the room. That stopped him short until both he and Michael doubled over laughing.

“How the hell did you manage that?”, wheezed Michael.

“I have no idea. That thing is surprisingly slippery.” Alex went to retrieve the sweet potato, rinsed it off and removed the last bit of skin before starting to cut it.

“How can something that turns to basically mush when you cook it, be so hard when it’s raw?”, he grunted as he leaned his weight onto the knife to cut the thing.

Michael chuckled, “We could probably find some pretentious life lesson in that, if we wanted.” He had finished with the broccoli and deposited the pieces into the big pot. “What next?”

“You could do the bell peppers.”

“On it. How is your sweet potato battle going?”

Alex dumped a batch of orange cubes into the pot. “I think I’m winning.”

After the sweet potatoes, the regular potatoes were a piece of cake and Alex had them peeled and diced in no time.

When they were finished with all the vegetables, the pot was much fuller than expected.

"Uhh… how are we going to puree this when it’s done cooking?”

“I don’t know, it might shrink some during cooking?”

“Yeah… maybe.”

Michael got the broth they had bought from the fridge and dumped it into the pot with a little too much force and some of it spilled. “Oops…”

Alex laughed and got a cloth to wipe it up, before peering in the pot. I don’t think that’s enough liquid. Maybe we should add some water?”

“You’re probably right”, Michael got the water and poured it in more carefully. Then he lit the stove and stepped back.

“I think we earned a beer.”

“Good plan, but we should use the cooking time to clean up some of this mess”, Alex gestured at all the peels and vegetal bits on every kitchen surface and even the floor.

Michael sighed, “I guess… But beer first.”

Alex laughed and handed Michael a beer who took a healthy swig before starting to get rid of the mess.

The vegetables did not shrink significantly and they had nothing they could put over the pot and still have space for the stick blender they had borrowed from one of their neighbors. They looked at each other at a loss.

“I guess we’ll just have to be really careful and clean up everything that spills after”, Michael said with a shrug and handed Alex the blender.

“Why me? Admit it, you just don’t want to be responsible for the mess”, Alex complained but took the blender anyways. Michael just winked at him, which was severely unfair. Alex had managed to build up some defenses against the way Michael looked, but not against winks and smirks. He sighed silently and carefully put the blender in the pot. For some reason Michael hovered right behind him and watched the pot in concentration as Alex started to blend. It made him nervous.

“Are you trying to telepathically keep the soup from splashing out?”

For some reason that question startled Michael, which in turn startled Alex and made soup splash out of the pot and all over their shirts.

“Fuck!”, they cursed at the same time, thats stuff was hot. Alex quickly turned off the blender.

“You ok?”, they asked, again in unison and then laughed.

“Yeah, I think so.” Michael pulled open his shirt to check for burns and Alex’ mouth went a little dry.

“Doesn’t look like an actual burn. You?” Michael looked up at Alex who quickly averted his eyes and pulled up his own shirt. There was a slight red spot, but nothing serious.

“I’m good too.” He looked up just in time to see Michael quickly look away just as he had done. Huh. Was he maybe not the only one appreciating the view? Sometimes it seemed like Michael was flirting with him. He still didn’t know if Michael was into guys. The few times he had brought someone over, it had been women, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be into guys too, right? He definitely didn’t seem to mind that Alex was gay. Alex had come out to him a couple of days after he had moved in, to avoid any ugly homophobic scenes later and Michael had been cool with it. He also hadn’t seemed to mind the one time Alex had brought someone home.

“Good,” Michael’s voice pulled Alex out of his thoughts “let’s try again. Maybe without talking this time.”

Alex nodded and they got back in position. For some reason again with Michael hovering behind Alex and focusing on the pot. Alex did his best to ignore it and carefully blended the soup. Surprisingly, nothing more splashed out. It looked like it would a couple of times, but then somehow it didn’t. Alex decided not to question it.

When they were done blending, they added in a little heavy cream, since Alex had read somewhere that it made the soup creamier. Then they started with the seasoning. Very carefully, because they had added too much or too little to their first few attempts at cooking. They took turns trying the soup, asking what was missing, adding a little and repeating the process over and over. Eventually they were happy with the result and looked at the finished soup.

“Okay… that’s much more than expected. I think we might be eating soup for the next week straight”, Michael said.

“Yeah… Maybe we can bring Mrs. Welly some when we return her stick blender?”

“Good idea. Let’s eat some first, though. Who knows if it’s actually good if you have a full bowl.”

It was surprisingly good and once they cleaned up, they went over to Mrs. Welly who was very grateful for the soup. She told them they could borrow her kitchen appliances any time, made them take two huge pieces of a delicious cake she had apparently baked earlier and promised she would have them over for dinner soon. All in all a successful evening.

Michael was a good roommate, but there were some things that were… a little strange about him.

For one thing, he always kind of smelled like rain. Even when it hadn’t rained in a few days. Alex was pretty sure it wasn’t some sort of aftershave or lotion or something, they shared a bathroom after all.

And somehow, it was a specific rain smell, one that kind of reminded him of going to the Reservation with his mom when he was a child. He couldn’t quite put his finger on why, he didn’t have a clear memory of it smelling like rain there, but sometimes, when Michael was standing close to him, he breathed in a whiff of that smell and it was like being back at the Res. Memories linked to smell were weird like that.

Besides the rain smell, Michael sometimes smelled like nail polish remover, which was even stranger. Alex had never seen him wear any nail polish. Alex did sometimes, and he had bought a bottle of remover when he’d first moved in. The bottle was still standing in the little cabinet over the sink in the bathroom, but Alex could swear that the fluid level changed constantly. It was never empty, but sometimes it was fuller than other times. And he had seen an empty bottle of nail polish remover in the trash a couple of times. What was Michael doing with it? Did he need it for school, or for work? Alex had no idea why though, there had to be better solvents at a fancy science lab and a mechanics shop than regular nail polish remover.

In the end he mostly chose not to question it. Michael was already distracting enough without analyzing strange smells.

It felt like Michael became more distracting every day. The more comfortable they became with each other, the worse it got. Michael would tease Alex in an almost flirtatious way, which was a little unfair, if you asked Alex.

Sometimes he brought whatever he was tinkering on into the living room and worked on it while Alex did his course work, or messed with his music. Alex loved watching Michael tinker, he was so focused and he would mumble things under his breath that Alex couldn’t make out, but enjoyed hearing anyways. It wasn’t like he would understand a word Michael said, even if he could hear it properly. Michael was a lot smarter than him and really talented with his hands. Sometimes it seemed like the parts Michael was putting together slotted perfectly into place without him even touching them.

Alex had to be careful that he didn’t watch too long, because eventually he would start to wonder what else those hands could do…

And, if he stopped playing music, or clack away on his computer, Michael would eventually look up with a questioning look and a smile and ask him if he was stuck on something. If it was music, he’d offer to help and if it was programming, he would suggest that they take a break and go out for a bit, or watch an episode of whatever show they were watching currently. Because yeah, they had become the kind of roommates that always had a TV show project they were slowly watching together and one person was not allowed to watch a single minute of the show without the other one there. Alex had never thought he could ever be someone who did that, but it was nice. It was time they spent together and a great way to wind down after a long day.

Had they fallen asleep on the couch once or twice and woken up leaning against each other with a crick in their necks? Maybe. Did Alex secretly wish that would happen more often. Yeah, well… He was only human after all.

A few times he had dosed of on Michael's shoulder and had woken up to Michael watching him with a look on his face that made Alex wonder if maybe starting something with Michael was worth the risk after all. Alex' slight oh-fuck-my-roommate-is-hot-crush had certainly grown into something more serious lately.

There were moments when Alex thought Michael might feel the same way. When they were watching TV together, when they played music together, when they vented to each other after long days, when they stayed up too late because neither really wanted to go into their respective bedroom alone and leave the comfortable togetherness of the living room. Neither of them ever made a move though and so their lives just went on.

Alex' music was coming along pretty well actually, with Michael cheering him on. He had enough original songs for a small set now. Not that he was ready to perform an entire set of original songs yet, but he was considering signing up for his first open night. It was at a little coffee shop called Sip & Sing that he and Michael hung out at sometimes. He knew most of the regulars there and had become friends with one of the baristas. They had open mics once a month and the next one was coming up in two weeks.

“You should do it Alex. Come on, you know you’re good enough. And you’ll know almost everyone there, it’s low risk”, Michael encouraged him one night when Alex had opened and closed the sign up page on their website for the fourth time that day.

“Yeah but what if I tank and then I can never go there again?”

“First of all, you won’t. And second of all, Lucy forgot the text twice last month and everyone still welcomed her back there the next day. Everyone there will be supportive no matter how you do.”

“Isn’t that cheating then?”

Michale snorted. “Now you’re making excuses. Finding a friendly audience for your first live performance is not cheating.”

Alex sighed, Michael was probably right. “Okay, I guess… But only if you promise to come.”

Michael put an arm around him. “Of course I’m coming! You couldn’t keep me away.”

Alex smiled and leaned into him just a little. “Okay, I’ll sign up. And then you’re helping me pick out which song to perform.”

“Which you will then change fifteen times until the actual night.”

“Yeah well, everyone needs a system”, Alex said with a huff and pulled up the sign up for the fifth time. This time he actually filled it out though and even submitted it. Even though Michael had to threaten to do it for him before he finally hit enter.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I?”, he said with a groan and buried his face in Michael’s shoulder, who was still sitting next to him.

Michael laughed softly. “Yeah, multiple times probably. But you’ll be glad you did it in the end.”

Alex regretted it that night in bed and even more the next day when he stopped at the Sip & Sing to get a coffee before heading to work and Rema, the owner, spotted him.

“Alex! I saw you signed up for the next open mic! That’s great, I can’t wait to hear your song!”

They insisted on giving him a coffee on the house and gushed about how great it was that he’d be performing. Alex kind of wanted to sink into the ground in shame. Especially when Lucy, one of the regulars, came in and heard Rema. She started to reassure him that he’d be great and that he definitely wouldn’t forget any lines.

Alex was very glad when he managed to get his coffee and escape with the excuse that he was running late.

Alex had decided not to tell Maria and Liz about the open mic. He knew they would try to come and honestly, that was too much for him for the first time. Maybe the second or third. He would text them the day of and risk their wrath. Michael would be there and a few friends from the coffee shop. That would be nerve-racking enough.

He spend every free second working on the song (and just as predicted by Michael, changing his mind which song to perform almost every other day), which was finally too much for their very patient neighbors and they got a noise complaint. Alex was forced to not play between 11pm and 6am and to avoid playing around noon, which was probably for the best, he was starting to be a bit obsessive. Michael threatened to hide his guitar and music sheets regularly.

When the day of the open mic finally came, Alex was a nervous wreck.

6:36pm

Don’t be mad at me, but I’m performing at my first open mic tonight at 8.

Liz Ortecho

6:38 pm

And you didn’t tell us?!?! Rude!

6:39 pm

I’m sorry! I’m nervous enough as it is, I promise I’ll tell you next time so you can come.

MariaAwww DeLuca

6:40 pm

It’s ok Alex, we understand. Good luck tonight! You’ll kill it!

Liz Ortecho

6:41 pm

Of course we understand. But I will ask Max for Michael’s number and pester him into recording it of us.

He is coming right?

6:42 pm

He is, I wouldn’t have made it without him.

Marie DeLuca

6:43

Aww, aren’t you glad we forced you into moving in with him?

6:44

Shut up!

… Yes, thank you.

The alarm that Alex had set to get ready went off and Alex nervously rushed to the bathroom. He was already dressed and his nails were painted, he just needed to do his hair and put on his eyeliner.

When he was done, way too early of course, he stepped out of the bathroom to find Michael waiting for him. He gave him once over and let out a low whistle.

“Damn, you clean up nice Manes.”

Alex hoped his blush wasn’t too noticeable. “Shut up Guerin.”

Michael laughed and slung his arm around Alex’ shoulder. “You’ll do great. Come on, I know it’s early, but if you sit around here, you’ll just drive yourself crazy. We’ll take the long way there and maybe get a milkshake on the way or something.”

Alex was really glad to have Michael to support him today. Something about him was very calming and maybe his crush on him distracted him a bit from his nerves.

They got their milkshakes and an order of fries to dip in them. Michael always complained that it was weird, but he did dip his fries as well, so Alex had stopped listening months ago.

By the time they arrived at the Sip & Sing, Alex was much more relaxed. Michael had kept him distracted the entire way there by telling him funny things that happened in class or at work, or quoting things from the group chat with Isobel and Max.

Alex' phone dinged with good luck messages from Liz, Maria, Arturo, Mimi and surprisingly even from Max and Isobel. He smiled at his phone and put it back into his pocket. It was nice to know they were all thinking of him.

“Hey, did Liz convince you to record my performance?”

Michael laughed, "She wanted me to livestream it for what felt like half of Roswell. You're popular."

Alex groaned, "Please tell me you won't."

"No, don't worry. I'll record it and send it to her and then she can distribute it to whomever she wants."

"That's only slightly better", Alex said with a sigh and went over to greet Rema and find out when his turn was. He was number three of six performers tonight, which suited him fine.

Rema told him where to put his guitar and to give any needed details to Luke, who handled the technical side of the performances.

When he got back to Michael he had gotten them drinks and found a table. Alex sat down and took a sip from his drink, his nerves were starting to come back. Michael seemed to notice and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Alex smiled at him thankfully.

Rema came onto the little stage area and introduced the first performer. She was good, Alex had heard her here a few times before and two months ago there had been a flyer on the pin board advertising that she was part of the lineup for a mini pop-up concert in a nearby park.

He didn't catch much of the second performance, it was a duo, but that was about all that stuck. When they were done, Michael squeezed his shoulder and whispered a quick "Good Luck!" to him as Alex stood up and made his way to the stage.

"Our first first-timer for tonight is Alex Manes, who most of you know, I think. He's performing an original song. Give him a hand!", Rema introduced him and Alex nervously sat on the little stool and adjusted the mic and his guitar.

He focused on Michael for the entire song, who was smiling widely and encouragingly while holding his phone up that represented all the other people in his life that loved and supported him through this. Suddenly he almost regretted not inviting Liz and Maria and swore to himself he would invite them next time.

He got through the song without any problem and got a satisfying amount of applause and cheering from the audience, topped by Michael's best, earsplitting cowboy whistle. Alex couldn't help but grin from ear to ear on his way back to the table and when Michael greeted him with an equally wide grin and a hug, something in him clicked and he pulled Michael in for a kiss instead. Which was met by an enthusiastic response both by Michael kissing him back and the audience cheering.

They were interrupted by Rema "Okay you two, there's time for that after the show. Now let's move on to our next performer…"

Alex blushed and sat back down, a little closer to Michael than before. Michael smiled at him in a way that gave him butterflies and he couldn't wait for after the show.

For now he settled in to listen to the rest of the performers, but not until he pulled out his phone.

8:23 pm

I kissed him.

He kissed me back

8: 25 pm

The open mic thing went great, btw.

He was met by a ton of celebratory emojis from Liz and Maria and put his phone back into his pocket with a grin.

#rnmsecretsanta23 #fanfiction #secret santa #malex #malex fic #roswell new mexico #rnm #rnm fic #michael guerin #alex manes #Michael Guerin/Alex Manes #liz Alex Maria friendship #liz ortecho #maria deluca #my writing

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