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creambunnie · 3 years

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Once Again📖

ONEWE - Kanghyun x Y/N (angst)

enjoy!

From : Kang Pingu 🐧

- if you are done taking pictures with your family and friends, meet me in the classroom for a bit♡ -

you grinned when you received his message and excused yourself from your parents and friends before heading towards the classroom of the last year of your highschool life.

it was finally your graduation day and Hyungu planned to celebrate together after celebrating with your families respectively.

you arrived at the classroom but no one was there. you pouted and decided to wait by sitting on one of the desks. you scanned the classroom for the last time, absorbing every single detail of the place where you created bittersweet memories with your classmates. it was also the place where Hyungu confessed about his feelings to you.

you smiled widely as you recalled his bold yet funny confession. he put up a brave front but was actually so nervous that when you responded back to his feelings, he fell down because his knees got weak. your friends were quite worried when they heard you started dating Hyungu. well, Hyungu did not really have a good reputation, among the students and the teachers.

but you ensured your friends that you would be careful and that you were sure Hyungu was serious about your relationship.

you snapped out of your thoughts and decided to wait for Hyungu at the door. you peeked out to see if your boyfriend was already on his way to the classroom, but instead, a couple caught your eyes.

they were at the staircase, the girl was backfacing you so you did not see her face. the boy's head was also tilted to the side so his face was blocked too.

"oooh, a new couple? but really? at the stairs? i wonder who that guy is, he looks super familiar." you thought and was about to give the 'couple' their private space when the boy straightened up, revealing none other than Kang Hyungu. he smiled at the girl and stayed for a while as the girl patted his head before walking down the stairs towards your classroom.

you blinked a few times as you tried to process what you just witnessed. you felt your heart squeezed in pain as tears started flowing down your cheeks.

"did... did i just jinxed myself?". you mumbled to yourself. you quickly took your bag and wanted to leave quickly but Hyungu was faster.

he opened the door with a big smile but it quickly turned into worry when he saw you crying. "babe? what happened?". he asked softly as he approached you.

you avoided him and was about to exit the classroom when Hyungu grabbed your wrist as he balanced the box he was carrying with his other hand and his body.

"babe, what happened??". he asked again.

you sniffed and pulled your hand away. "you, all these while i thought you changed. but i was wrong. you are still the same playboy Kang Hyungu. old habits die hard, huh? you came here late because you were having a fun time with another girl? i should have listened to my friends. dating you was a mistake,".

Hyungu frowned, confused about what you were talking about.

"huh? what do you mean? i was late because i was preparing my presents for you,". Hyungu explained.

you frowned deeper at his words. "i saw everything, Hyungu. you don't have to lie! if i am not a good partner, then just tell me that, no need to cheat behind me, just break up with me!".

Hyungu was confused at your sudden burst of anger. "but you're the only one that i like! have you seen me flirting with others when i started dating you?".

you rolled your eyes and glared at him. "i wouldn't know, you might have done it when i'm not around!".

Hyungu sighed and ruffled his hair in frustration. "do you not trust me?". he asked.

"no, i don't.". you replied without hesitation. you gulped your pain when you see the hurt in his eyes.

"look into my eyes and tell me that you didn't feel any sincerity from me in these 5 months that we've been together." Hyungu asked with teary eyes.

your heart felt so painful. but you had to do what was best for you. you promised your friends to be careful so you were going to keep that promise.

"it must have been fun playing with me, right? just like how you played with other girls. i really thought i was the special person who could change you. but i was being pathetic. i'm just an idiot who fell for the school's infamous playboy.".

a tear finally fell on Hyungu's cheek. he was hurt. extremely hurt. he then stretched his arm to give you the box that he had been carrying since just now.

"i want to give some presents to congratulate you for graduation. please accept them." he managed to whisper.

you frowned at his sudden change of topic and slapped his hands away together with the box.

you heard something broke when the box made contact with the hard ground. if you didn't know any better, you would have thought that you just heard your heart shattered.

Hyungu froze on his spot as he stared at the box. you quickly ran out of the classroom before you softened back up for your ex.

and that was the last time you met Hyungu before the both of you moved on with your lives. you remembered to quickly block Hyungu's number and blocked him on every social medias that you had. you didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

you were embarrassed of yourself. you were so proud when you started dating Hyungu, you were so confident that he was serious about you. but at the end, it was just your imagination. he didn't change at all.

~4 years later~

after graduating from high school, you got accepted into your dream university and studied in Japan for 4 years majoring in journalism. writing has been your hobby since you were little and aiming to be a well-known journalist was your ambition.

it was not easy to leave things back at your home country behind you especially after getting your heart broken so harshly on your graduation day. but you believed working hard towards your dream was a good way to distract yourself from all the unnecessary drama.

you focused on school and excelled all your semesters. you became the best student and was given the honour of being the valedictorian of your cohort.

it was finally time for you to come home to your family. they did visit you a few times when you were in Japan, but the feeling of coming back home was different.

From : Yubi❤

-you're back in South Korea?! great timing, our class reunion is next Saturday. you better come after skipping 4 years of our reunion dinner !!! we all miss you🥺-

you sighed as you read the message from your close friend. you were not really someone who likes to socialise with others, it's true they were your highschool classmates, but it had been years since you've met them. you might be awkward.

From : Yubi❤

-if you even think of skipping, i'm gonna drag you out of your house😠-

you chuckled and rolled your eyes.

To : Yubi❤

-okay okay, i will come, just text me the venue when it's confirmed.-

you scanned the huge hotel and took a deep breath before walking through the grand entrance. "wow they must be rich to book such a fancy place." you mumbled as you went to the customer service counter to ask for the room number that was booked for your class dinner.

as the staff was looking through the lists, you couldn't help but check out the beautiful architecture. your gaze fell to the floor as you realised that each tile had a different design. "wow, this hotel is totally on another level.". you whispered as you analysed them one by one.

a pair of pink shoes stopped walking and caught your eyes. you raised an eyebrow and looked up slowly to see the owner of the pink shoes.

your breath hitched. you made eye contact with the person. the person's eyes widened as he saw you. just as he was about to walk towards you, a lady grabbed him by his arm and dragged him away, she probably didn't notice you who were a few metres away.

"oi Kanghyun!! will you hurry up and walk? they're all waiting for us in the room already!!". the lady called the person by his nickname.

your thoughts were interrupted when the staff tapped your shoulder gently. "your room number is 3. i will bring you there". you nodded and bowed slightly to thank the staff.

you were now in front of the room. loud excited voices could be heard from the inside. *such youthful energy* you thought and knocked on the door before opening it slowly.

the previous noise quietened down at your entrance. you were frozen at the door. *w--why are they staring at me*. you smiled awkwardly and waved your hand at them.

"hi?". the second you greeted, your former classmates cheered and some even ran to you and gave you hugs and pats. "y/n!! we missed you so much!" "y/n! you are finally home!" "welcome back!!" "how was school in Japan?".

"there there guys, y/n needs to sit first at least. your questions can wait. the evening is still young!". Yubi came to your rescue. you gave her a grateful smile. Yubi smiled back and hugged you tightly. "welcome back!!".

you caught up with your friends. some were working full time at big companies, some were getting engaged, some just finished their studies, like you. you were engrossed in your conversation when a word, or a name, from the table next to you caught your ear.

"Kang Hyungu, how many girlfriends have you had in uni? still a playboy aren't you?" one of the boys joked.

your hand curled up into a fist. you were about to shoot the other table a glare when the lady who dragged Hyungu earlier defended him.

"this guy? trust me, he never dated anyone after highschool. he focused on his studies and never looked at girls. he rejected everyone who confessed to him. i was shocked too, you know being his classmate in highschool and seeing his abrupt change in uni, a whole new experience."

your former classmates widened their eyes as they looked at Hyungu, who was eating silently. his composure was still as cool and cold as ever.

"you are kidding !! he couldn't even be single for a week back then! what do you mean he never dated after highschool?".

the lady, Ara, nodded her head and sighed. "i don't know who broke his heart so bad he didn't even want to date or befriend other girls. that's why i'm stuck to his side." Ara explained and knocked Hyungu's head. Hyungu pouted and rubbed his head as he looked up.

after eavesdropping the conversation, you were surprised too. you turned to look into the direction of his table and saw his pouty face. you gulped. "cute..." you mumbled and quickly turned away when the both of you accidentally made your second eye contact for today.

you almost forgot he was your former classmate too, of course he would be here. you were just too busy with your close friends that you didn't realise his presence earlier.

from your peripheral vision, you sensed Hyungu still staring at you. after a few seconds, you finally let out the breath you were holding in unconciously when you see him turn his head away.

"bye bye y/n!! see you again soon!!" Yubi bid you goodbye as her boyfriend came to pick her up. you waved back at her and waited by the entrance for your ride.

"y/n?". you felt your head tingled as you heard a familiar gentle voice calling your name. you looked up from your phone only to be greeted by none other than Kang Hyungu.

"Hyu--Hyungu... it's been a while". you managed to breathe out.

Hyungu gave a small smile and nodded.

it was awkward. after all, you separated on bad terms and never contacted each other ever since.

Hyungu moved closer to you. his expression looked sad yet happy.

"can i hug you?". Hyungu suddenly asked. you bit your lips. you hesitated before nodding slightly. letting him hug you won't hurt, right?

wrong.

when his arms wrapped around you, your emotions from 4 years ago surged up again. his gentle yet tight hug. his warm scent. his soft face buried into the crook of your neck.

you were frozen. everything was too overwhelming.

"i mis--" Hyungu's words were interrupted when someone called out your name.

you snapped out of your zone and gently pulled yourself away from Hyungu. Hyungu let you go hesitantly as he wiped his teary eyes and looked at the person who called your name.

"ah Harin!! did you wait for long?" you approached the person earlier and patted his shoulder. Harin shook his head and looked at Hyungu.

you thought it was only right to introduce them to each other. "Harin, this is my former classmate, Kang Hyungu, and Hyungu, this is Ju Harin, we went to the same university". Hyungu gulped and bowed slightly towards Harin.

"ni--nice to meet you. thank you for taking care of y/n! i--i should excuse myself now.". Hyungu said as he quickly left you and Harin. Harin shrugged his shoulders and led you to his car.

it had been so long since you came back home, you finally had the time to walk around your neighbourhood. you realised that in the span of 4 years, alot of things could change. you continued walking in the homey streets until you reached your favourite bookshop. you smiled widely and quickly entered it. you were happy the shop was still there.

your body automatically brought you over to the comics section. you enjoyed all sorts of genres but comics were your stress reliever. your eyes widened at some new collections.

"ooh, this one looks interesting". you mumbled as you picked up the new crime comic. "that one is good, you should read it". you jumped at the sudden voice beside your ear.

you quickly turned to your side. Hyungu backed away abit and gave a cheeky smile.

"wh-what are you doing here?". you asked abit too loud than usual because you were shocked. Hyungu blinked and chuckled with a pfft.

"i am here to buy some books, then i saw you looking at that good comic so i decided to greet you. yo!".

you nodded awkwardly and wanted to walk away but Hyungu's words stopped you.

"you know, i can suggest you other new good comics that will surely suit your taste!". you bit your lip and shook your head. "it's okay, i just wanted to look around. thanks for your offer". you bowed and quickly walked away.

Hyungu watched your back moved away from him. his shoulders dropped as he pouted. *did i scare her away?* he thought as he went to the cashier to pay for his books.

you felt blood rushing to your face as you exited the shop. you totally forgot that Hyungu also regularly visits that shop. heck, it used to be one of the places where you always went to during your dates.

despite his bad boy image, Hyungu was surprisingly an avid reader. he always had the best recommendations. you were tempted by his offer but you thought it was weird to suddenly be close again with him.

your mood was abit down after the encounter as old memories came flooding back to your mind. *ah, i thought 4 years were enough to forget about him. but meeting him twice right after coming back like this is not helping at all* you thought as you walked back home.

you tapped your foot on the ground, following the rythm of the song that you were listening to as you waited for Harin in the mall.

you planned to meet up at 2pm but he was abit late so you waited for him inside since the weather was hot.

"we meet again!" you heard as you felt one of your earpiece being pulled out softly. you jumped and turned only to be greeted by none other than, you guessed it, Kang Hyungu.

you frowned and took out your other earpiece. "at this rate, i feel like you're stalking me". Hyungu chuckled and shook his head. "no no, i was here since morning, i had some stuff to do, and then i saw you here alone".

"i'm actually waiting for Harin. ugh why is he so late? i'm hungry.."

when he heard the name, Hyungu's smile was gone. his current expression was unreadable. "oh, well then, i will wait here with you". you let Hyungu be as you scanned the crowd for Harin.

"how was Japan?".

"it was great and refreshing. school was okay too, abit hard but i survived. how about you? you graduated from uni too right recently?". Hyungu nodded.

"i started working at the music shop here, today is actually my off day but i had to fix some things so yeah.."

your mouth turned into an "O" shape as you heard him. he was very interested and quite talented in music back in highschool, it was not a surprise for him to pursue something related to music.

Hyungu saw a familiar face among the crowd. "oh there's H--" he cut his own words when he saw a lady beside Harin, her arm linked with Harin's.

*he is late because he is with another girl? he is cheating on y/n at the place that they're meeting up at?? how dare he?* Hyungu thought as he tried to block your view from Harin. *i gotta protect y/n*.

"yo y/n!! y/n?" Hyungu heard Harin's voice but he still stood in front of you, blocking Harin from seeing you.

you frowned and gently pushed Hyungu aside. "oh Harin! you are finally here!!!" you slapped Harin's arm and quickly turned to the lady beside him.

"Dani!!! you are here too!" you greeted and hugged the lady. Dani hugged you back and passed something to you. "i'm sorry,,, i misplaced the souvenier i bought you so Harin had to search for it with me, that's why we were late.". you cooed at Dani and patted her head. "aww it's okay, thank you for the gift!".

Hyungu looked at the scene with a confused look. you finally remembered him being there and introduced him to Dani. "Dani, this is Hyungu, my former highschool classmate, Hyungu, this is Dani, my former housemate back in Japan!".

Hyungu frowned. *Harin is cheating on y/n with her former housemate?!?!*.

"oii mr boyfriend, where are we going to eat at?". Dani turned to Harin and asked.

Hyungu's eyes widened. *huh???huh???*

"you and y/n are not dating each other?" Hyungu blurted out as he pointed towards you and Harin.

you and Harin looked at each other and shivered in disgust at the same time. "never!! why would you even think that?!" you asked. Harin quickly wrapped his arm around Dani and shook his head. "Dani is the only one for me".

"then why did he pick you up the other night?".

you bursted a pfft, Hyungu's face was hilarious. he was furious and confused at the same time.

"the three of us had plans after my dinner, so Harin picked me up. Dani was in the car too. Harin, being the gentleman he is, volunteered to escort me personally to the car".

Dani couldn't help but laugh too. you were the one who introduced her to Harin anyways, it was funny to think that someone misunderstood Harin and your relationship.

"ok that aside, let's go eat, i'm so hungryy" you whined and linked your arms with Harin and Dani. Hyungu's eyes twitched when he saw how comfortable you were with Harin.

"Hyungu should join us too!! the more the merrier!" Dani invited Hyungu. Hyungu was about to reject but seeing your flustered expression, he quickly accepted the invitation. he kind of missed seeing this side of you.

you ended up walking beside Hyungu while the lovely couple led the way to Harin's recommended restaurant.

the walk was quiet between the two of you. Hyungu felt abit guilty for being selfish, he accepted the invitation, totally ignoring your feelings.

"if you don't want me to join, i can back away now." Hyungu said. you quickly shook your head and unconciously tugged his sleeve. "i don't mind.. please join us". Hyungu grinned at your response. "alright, i will stay".

as you arrived at the restaurant, Dani excused herself to the bathroom. you decided to help Harin with the orders while Hyungu reserved a table for the four of you. the other reason you volunteered to help was so that you didn't have to be alone with Hyungu.

Dani came back from the bathroom and went to Hyungu. "oh y/n is helping Harin? then i will sit here and chat with you!".

Hyungu gave a small smile. he was still abit awkward around other girls if he was alone. "Hyungu, you like y/n don't you?" Dani attacked with an innocent smile.

Hyungu was taken aback but nodded anyways. like was an understatement. you were in his mind every second for the whole 4 years, meeting you once again made his dull world colourful again.

Dani giggled and poked Hyungu's arm. "you are so obvious. don't worry, i will help you!" Dani winked and quickly backed away when you and Harin came with your food. Hyungu pursed his lips into a thin line. he didn't know what Dani was up to.

you sat beside Dani, acrossed from Hyungu. you focused on your food and Dani, trying your best not to stare at the handsome Hyungu.

"so y/n, do you have anyone you like now?" Dani randomly asked you. your hand paused from picking up food for abit before chuckling awkwardly. "hahaha what a question, Dani. hmm i don't think i like anyone now". you swore your voice was trembling.

Dani smirked slightly at your response and was about to turn to Hyungu when Harin chirped into the conversation. "eh? how about that Jungwoo guy? don't you have a crush on him?".

you gulped as you felt your whole face became warm. "Ju-Jungwoo? he is cute, but i just admire him from afar. i don't like like him..."

Harin raised an eyebrow. "really? then why are you so emba--" his words were cut off when Dani kicked his leg under the table. she signalled him towards Hyungu and widened her eyes as if saying "have some sense Ju Harin!!". Harin pouted and continued eating his food.

there was definitely tension between you and Hyungu now. Dani tried to lighten up the mood with another topic as her plan A failed. she really wanted to help Hyungu.

after the meal, you and Harin started discussing some matters related to your future job, which was the main agenda for today's meet up. you switched seats with Dani so that you were opposite of Harin.

Dani called out Hyungu's name softly. "sorry for earlier. i just wanted to help but Harin interrupted. anyway, i'm gonna move to plan B later." Hyungu frowned and glanced at you and Harin who were engrossed in the discussion before leaning closer to the table. "what exactly are you planning??". Hyungu whispered.

Dani smirked and whispered her ideas. Hyungu listened carefully and processed her words. "so, what do you think?" Hyungu slowly nodded, agreeing to her plan.

it was finally time to separate. while Harin and Dani were going back by car, your house was just a walking distance from the mall.

"oh! Hyungu, do you have anything after this? why don't you walk y/n home?"

you almost choked on your own saliva and quickly shook your head. "i-i can go home by myself". Hyungu patted your head and gave a big smile. "i can, no, i want to walk you home!".

you sighed in defeat and nodded. "fine then. thanks Harin and Dani for today! and i'll email you the file later, Harin." Harin nodded and bid you goodbye before leaving with Dani.

you looked at Hyungu and pointed your finger awkwardly to the direction that you were going to. Hyungu walked beside you in silence. you too walked quietly, selfishly enjoying the warmth of his company.

"it feels like we are back to highschool days where i always walk you home". Hyungu started.

you just listened, not responding to his words. "we should go visit the bookshop again together one day. i remember how you would always frown slightly when you read the description of some comics, not because you hated them, but you actually loved them that your expressions couldn't be controlled. also the little pout when the volume you wanted was sold out and we have to either go to another shop or buy them online. oh and remember when--"

"that was all 4 years ago, Hyungu. can we not talk about it anymore?" you said with a slight firmness in your voice.

Hyungu paused for abit before chuckling. "for these 4 years, i've been trying to think of what you meant by me having fun with another girl that's why i was late" your fists curled into a fist as you felt your head become heavy.

"i really like you, y/n. i was serious about our relationship back then. you changed me, you were the only one that i like, i never look at other girls when i started dating you. i was hurt when you said those things to me. i really didn't understand"

you stopped in your tracks as you faced Hyungu with teary eyes. he really dared to lie to you even after 4 years?

you were about to hit his chest but he grabbed your wrist. "i finally figured it out".

~4 years ago~

Hyungu ensured that he had wrapped the big box of gifts for you properly. he carried the box carefully and walked down the staircase towards your classroom.

it was a bit difficult for him to see what was in front due to the box and Hyungu accidentally bumped into someone. he panicked for abit and quickly hugged the box to his body tightly.

"sorry, i didn't see you there!" Hyungu apologised.

the person he bumped into also apologised. "ah Hyungu? sorry! i was in a rush. oh no your hair! are you meeting anyone now?".

Hyungu's hair was a bit out of place after bumping into Ara. "is it bad? i'm meeting my girlfriend!" Hyungu asked, worried about his appearance. he wanted to look his best for you.

Ara reached out her hand to help but Hyungu leaned away. "it's okay, i can do it by myself".

Ara rolled her eyes and flicked Hyungu's forehead. "yeah but you can't see yourself, i can. here squat down abit, you have to look extra handsome for you girlfriend! after bumping into you, the least i could do is help you look presentable".

Hyungu hesitated but squatted for abit and tilted his head for Ara to help. Ara fixed Hyungu's hair and patted his hair for the last step.

"all done! now go impress your pretty girlfriend!"

Hyungu grinned cheekily at the thought of you and thanked Ara before heading towards the classroom.

and that was when the harsh break up happened.

a tear fell down your face as you finished listening to his explanation.

"it was all just a misunderstanding! and i totally understand you, i should have been more careful. i really really like you, y/n. i was sincere for all those months. you heard Ara the other day right? i didn't date anyone at all after you. thoughts about you occupied my mind 24/7. i wanted to reach out to you but.. you blocked me on all platforms. i came to your house a few times but your mother said you didn't want to meet anyone. the next time i visited, you already went to Japan. i tried asking your close friends on how to contact you but, they didn't like me so they didn't help me at all. they said i didn't deserve to talk to you anymore because i hurt you. so i waited for fate to bring us back together. and that night, when i saw your face after so long, i felt so happy".

more tears flowed down your face. Hyungu wiped them away with his thumb as he felt himself tearing up too.

"i'm..... i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry" was all you managed to say to Hyungu as you started sobbing into his chest. Hyungu hugged you as he rubbed your back.

"can we go back to our happy moment, y/n? i missed you so much." Hyungu whispered as he sniffed.

you pulled yourself away from Hyungu and rubbed your eyes before cupping Hyungu's face with one of your hands. you carressed his face gently with your thumb and shook your head.

"that was all 4 years ago, Hyungu. we can never go back to those happy time. things aren't the same anymore"

Hyungu frowned and leaned into your palm. "then we can start over. things don't have to be the same. i just want to be with you again".

you let his face go. "my feelings for you are not the same anymore, Hyungu. how can we start over if my heart is already closed?"

"you're lying." Hyungu said as his voice trembled.

you chuckled bitterly. "i'm sorry for hurting you Hyungu. i really am. i just, want to focus on building up my career now. i was offered a job back at Japan and i don't want to lose this opportunity. i can't afford to be distracted by relationships. i can't accept your feelings like how i accepted them in highschool. i have other commitments to focus on now. i'm...sorry"

Hyungu clutched onto his chest as he felt nothing but pain in his heart.

you slowly walked away from Hyungu but was stopped by Hyungu's soft voice.

"i won't disturb you anymore but i just want to know one thing. do you hate me?".

you gulped and took a deep breath before turning around to look at his pained face.

"of course not, Hyungu. i will never hate you."

Hyungu gave a small smile despite tears falling down his face non-stop.

"thank you y/n".

you turned away as your feet quickly led you back to your house. you ran up to your room and locked your door before breaking down fully.

you buried your face in between your knees as your sobs echoed in the room.

*you don't deserve to talk to me? i'm the ONE who doesn't deserve to talk to you, Hyungu* you thought.

Hyungu was so gentle and kind to you, he loved you so much but just because of your insecurity, you ruined everything.

you didn't even let him explain things back then and said hurtful words to him. and yet he continued liking you and wanting to clear up the misunderstanding even after years of not meeting each other.

you didn't deserve such a kind person. you didn't deserve his love. you were embarrassed to even face Hyungu now after knowing the truth.

you hated yourself for again escaping from reality. you contacted Harin, asking for the job process to be quickened.

*this will make me forget about him. this will help me forget about him* you chanted and fell asleep from the exhaustion of crying and from the pain in your heart for lying to Kang Hyungu.

a/n: how was it? haha i hope yall enjoyed the roller coaster ride!

#onewe #onewe kang hyungu #onewe kanghyun #onewe hyungu #onewe imagines #kang hyungu imagines #kanghyun imagines #onewe angst #kang hyungu angst #kanghyun angst

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hel7l7 · 3 years

Note

(the girl who told you the strange story about the feelings that i'm having for a friend of mine)

hey! so... this is going to be quite awkward, but i kinda have another story to you? this one is shorter at least lmao

in that ask that i sent you, i mentioned briefly that i was bipolar, but — in matter of fact — i was never diagnosed with bipolar disorder, i kinda just self-diagnosed because i was never in therapy long enough to have a serious, longer analysis, but thankfully i'm back to having sessions with a psychologist and i recently found out that i'm actually boderline (don't ask me how i mixed the two of things lmaooo)

at first, i was quite... in shock, i guess? but then i remembered of you at the same time, and i found you to be so cool and so talented that i was “yeah, ok? boderline people also rule”. so i guess i am just thankful for you to share your art and your feelings, that's a really brave thing to do! it really helps people to not feel so cloistered and adrift. i don’t really know how i would react to such a serious finding if i didn't had someone so open about their feelings to look up to.

i don't think i will keep sending stories, i don't want to be creepy, but i really wanted you to know about the positive impact that you had onto me. please, be safe. you rule. ♡

Hii, how nice to hear from you again. I was honestly just thinking about you a few days ago. Not gonna lie, I cried when I first read your ask.

I want to start with telling you how proud of you I am for having sessions with a psychologist. Glad to hear that you have someone who can help you with the struggles you face. Then I want to tell you that getting bpd and uuh bpd... (borderline and bipolar) mixed up is much more common than you probably think. Not only because the similar names. It’s both a disorder that heavily influences your mood, and even though there are lot’s of differences, there are also quite a few similarities. And I’ve heard about even psychologist mixing them up sometimes. Then again, mental illness diagnoses is often a discovery path where you or your system might make a few missteps before the right ‘label’ has been found. And darling, I understand the shock after hearing the current diagnoses. But what you said next just got me in tears. Some days I can’t stand myself and the way I act because I don’t know (yet) how to do it any other way. And then the idea I have of myself isn’t as pretty. But hearing this, made me realise that at least.. someone.. has had a more positive experience because of how open I am about everything. I want to say so much more but I can’t find words to express how this all made me feel. Basically: thank you. And please.. don’t feel sorry or creepy sending stories, or asks. I really like it. You’re doing great darling, I’m proud of you. Stay Strong <3 - B.

#ask #anon #answered

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dangan-happy · 3 years

Note

KAME-HAME FORGET ABOUT IT!

I would like to say thank you to mod taichi, mod rantaro and mod komaeda. I am the anon who was desperate, the one who struggles with academic issue, keep sleeping past midnight because of extra chores, and struggling with executive dysfunction. I don't know how to refer myself haha

It's funny, I saw the notification from your blog about my ask when I was REALLY in need of comfort unexpectedly. it was one of the worse day, I failed the selection to go to college I'm aiming for. there is an alternate way by taking a test but it was a huge and important thing for me, because other relatives would talk (or possibly brag) about how their children are doing wonderfully in academic stuff to my parents. I don't want my parents to feel embarrassed because of me. so of course, it gives me a LOT of anxiety. my heart is beating rapidly that my chest hurts so much.

Then I receive your response to my ask. It's very comforting, it calmed me down. I may teared up a bit. I really appreciate the advices, encouragements, and hugs. (I love hugs) Especially mod komaeda's advices. Thank you so much, I appreciate them. They really mean a lot to me. I didn't realize how much I needed all of these. To be honest, when I was re-reading my ask, I almost can't believe I typed all that. I didn't realize how much I struggled and desperate I am. It was truly a moment of weakness lmao

I've been struggling to respond your response because,, well. I'm still struggling haha. Unfortunately, after I send that ask, things are getting hella rough for me. It was one of those unlucky phase of time, where your days get worse each day, except this time is WAY worse because I'm going to graduate in a month and I have an important exam in two days. Then I got hit by other problems too like a member of my group project doesn't corporate so we were late to submit and it was even half done (it happened just a hour ago and it gives me an emotional breakdown because it was an important one but I'm fine now), I got blamed for something I didn't do (this happens a lot anyway but I'm very drained mentally and physically), I accidentally spat something that I've been keeping to myself to my parents and made them angry (I don't want to talk about my true feelings to them bc they only make me feel worse or worse, they get upset), more homeworks to catch up and more stressful stuff .

Basically anxiety is on my ass 24/7. It's the worst time of my life.

But whenever I hit rock bottom I would re-read your response and it lifts me up, you know? It always cheers me up reading your kind words about me, and as cheesy as it sounds, it makes me feel hopeful haha. But I never felt this hopeful before. So I'm very thankful for it, and thankful for the other mods who work hard helping other people too who come to this blog. Because even though I'm still struggling and facing the worst time right now, I'm not doing as bad as before.

Is it alright if I ask for another hug? Sorry, this whole ask ended up with me venting again haha. But I really am doing not as bad as before... I guess I'm doing better. Step by step maybe. Again, thank you so much!!

( By the way, this is out of topic but... hopefully people who know me don't recognize me on this blog for this question haha (if they do then oh well. shrugs): which one does look scarier for you, Once-ler from Lorax or the character designs from the movie called Cats (2019)? I'm not hating the movie, my friend and I are having a lighthearted discourse about it. u_u )

(Neither. Neither one is even that scary at all, for I fear nothing ~ Mod Hajime 🍊🌈)

---

O-Oh, welcome back, kiddo! Whoa, that’s quite the ask you got here. But it’s more or less an update, i-if I’m correct, and a decent one at th-that. Like you said, it’s all step by step progress, wh-which is still progress no matter how you look at it.

I-I hate to hear that there’s been a few extra bumps along the road since your last ask, b-but I’m at least glad to hear that you’ve been making some sort of progress. Progress is still progress, no matter what. I-I’m just glad that you came to us. I-I’m just some average programmer, but I will agree that Nagito and Rantaro did amazing. Nagito’s... quite the interesting kiddo, but he means well, and Rantaro’s a brotherly figure th-that everyone likes, one way or another. Me? Ah, well... I-I can at least give good hugs, I guess?

S-Speaking of hugs, I’d love to give you one. I-I can at least do that right, heh. I’ll give you as many hugs as you want, kiddo. I personally don’t mind at all.

Hey there anon, you don't have to worry about referring to yourself, I remember you just fine! Hey, how's that for awesome timing huh? I'm glad you could read our answers when you needed it. I'm sorry to hear that you were having a worse day, but hey, it sounds like there's a way to make that test up a different way, so I'd give your all to trying that route. Don't give up just yet ok? Damn, yeah, I'm no stranger to the whole family bragging thing, that's a whole lot of pressure I think both of us can do without. It's really thoughtful of you to worry about your parents in this scenario, but you can worry about yourself too ok? Regardless of what you do, they should still be proud of you, and if they aren't, they're completely oblivious to your intelligence level and the amazing things you can do. Aw, I'm smiling real hard hearing how much our response helped, I'm always worried that I didn't help, or I somehow made it worse. Not gonna lie, this did give me a confidence boost. Hey, it's ok, you were in a more emotional state. It wasn't a moment of weakness. Everyone breaks down like that from time to time, and I'm happy that we were here to help you at the time. So don't feel bad about that, you're only human, and it's ok to get like that.

You don't have to worry about having the perfect response either. As much as I wish we could, we can't automatically fix any anons' problems, we can only toss our two cents in and cross our fingers that it helps. The good news is that you came to us with your struggles again, so we can try to help some more. Eesh, yeah, those periods are never fun. Pretty sure Komaeda knows more about them than I do, but I can understand at the least. First of all, congrats on graduating! That's real impressive all by itself, so hopefully you can take some pride in that. Ugh, ok, wow, the second part of that. Damn I got hit with all the feels. I hate it when group projects go like that. I'm usually stuck with all the work, or the one who's up at one am trying to finish the damn thing. I think I'm getting kinda incoherent, so sorry about that. I'm glad you're doing better on that end though, hopefully things work out with that. Aw man, I'm really sorry to hear about the blaming thing. Is there any way to prove your innocence? I'm not saying go all class trial or anything, but is there any way for you to argue your case? Even if it happens a lot, that doesn't mean it's ok. You shouldn't have to get used to things like that.

Yikes, yeah I can totally relate to the last part too. I'm also the type to clam up about my feelings because I don't wanna make anyone mad, but that happens some times, and honestly you had every right to say how you feel. You're keeping this all in, and it's gonna take a toll on you. Yeah, that's a whole lot of stress for one person to carry. I'm really impressed you haven't crashed and burned under the weight, seriously, you're an amazing, strong, resilient/ person, and it just blows me away. Trust me, you're gonna get through this stressful time. You're getting close to the end of it, and I know that you're gonna make it through. Damn, I'm smiling and blushing now. I'm really really glad we were able to help you out that much. Good! It's not cheesy at all! I'm glad you're feeling hopeful! The little steps are just as valuable as the big ones, and the fact that you're at least doing a little bit better is fantastic. Of course you can have another hug! It's ok, we're here to listen to vents, so say whatever you want to, no one's gonna judge you, I promise. Yeah, step by step, that's how you do it.

Oh damn, that's an interesting question. Honestly, I unironically love the Lorax movie, so the Oncerler ain't scary to me. Cats however...that was a trip. I don't have a better way to describe it, it was just a trip. So the Cats designs are way scarier. Like if I met the Onceler in a dark alley, I'd be just fine, but if I saw a cat-human-thing in a dark alley, I'd run for the hills. However, if I met the onceler fandom in a dark alley, that's a whole other story. Ok, I think I'm rambling again, so I think I better stop talking. Keep making those small steps forward ok? You got this.

W-wow... my advice actually helped someone? Please tell me your joking, or better yet pinching me. I can’t believe my little words could affect you so much.... I think I’m tearing up... hehe. I gotta admit, Rantaro and Taichi did a better job than me! What else do you expect from two amazing Ultimates! Anon, I’m terribly sorry to hear that some things have turned up and made your life a bit more harder, but I want you to keep your chin up ok? You’re doing amazing Anon, I can truly tell! Having a partner that doesn’t help with group projects stinks too! It’s ok that you vented again, it’s always good to speak your mind when you feel bad! Helps to let other people hear to so they can help you! And hey, compliments from Taichi? So nice of you! Never heard myself being called an “interesting kiddo” it’s cute!

I thought you’d never ask! I’d love to give you another hug! As long as you’d let me, I get worried when people want to hug me since I’m utter garbage, but if it makes you feel Hope, then I’m happy to oblige! Ah, and the Onceler or the designs of cats? I’d say the cats, I remember everyone having the hots for the Onceler once, so he can’t be that bad, right?

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #taichi fujisaki #rantaro amami #nagito komaeda #mod hajime #mod rantaro #mod nagito

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battletowered-archived · 4 years

Text

Coming Out

||Drabble! No Trigger warnings apply as far as I know, but it’s decently long so its under a cut lol. Happy Pride Month Everyone, Ily||

Leon wrung his hands nervously, biting his own lip as he looked down at the paper in front of him-- the scribbly handwriting on it was probably only legible to him. That wasn’t mentioning the amassing pile of crumpled papers and scribbled out notes that were on his desk and scattered next to the wastebasket to the side of him.

He'd been spending some time researching all of this-- he wanted to set a good example. He might not be Champion anymore but that didn't mean he didn't still have people who followed him online and who looked to him to be a good influence on his younger fans. He'd had to remind himself a few times of why he wanted to do this-- He wanted to be able to finally be wholly himself. He wanted to try and offer comfort to others who were in his position, especially with his younger fans-- he wished he'd had someone there to talk to him when he was that age. He'd figured most of it out on his own with the occasional help of the Internet after he’d realized that he was starting to develop crushes on his male friends, too.

He just wished he could have a practice run. He guessed he sort of had already-- his mom knew. She'd found out after an awkward conversation when he was seventeen where he’s outright asked if he was gay. She’d been accepting, thank Arceus, but that had been the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation he’d probably ever had. Not to mention he’d fumbled so badly-- “I’m not gay but I’m… not quite straight either” is what he’d said, if he could recall. He’d eventually explained what he’d meant by that, but that first day he’d been so relieved that he’d cried for like an hour in his mom’s arms. That wasn't exactly what he wanted to do here, and he wouldn’t feel like he’d succeeded if that’s just what he got out here, he was to the point in his life where he knew he had no reason to be ashamed of it but that didn’t stop the anxiety that was bubbling in his guts.

A practice run… Oh, Wait… it was getting late but he didn't think she'd have gone home by now. Plus she'd always said he could call her if there was trouble… Does this count as trouble? He hesitated for only a second longer before he reached over and pressed the speaker call button on his phone, trying to even his breathing. No going back now.

"Amelia? Could you come here for a minute? I need your help, please."

-_-_-_-

"...so, uh. Will you help me?" Leon kept his eyes firmly locked on his hands, where his fingers were locked tightly. It hadn’t been graceful, but having notes in front of him helped a bit. He could still hear the nerves in his voice, though.

"Awh, Leon, baby, is this why you've been nervous all morning?" Amelia sighed. "You're all worked up over this?" Leon's hands flexed a little tighter.

"Yeah I… I… I'm afraid." He chanced a glance up at her, only to see that she was giving him a kind look-- it reminds him so much of his mom.

"Leon, you know this doesn't change anything you've achieved. People will still love you no matter who you love. Sure there might be a few people who can't accept that but they're the ones that are the problem. Not you." Leon can't help the relieved whine that escapes his throat and he honestly feels like he could cry. "Of course I'll help. Just tell me what you need me to do."

Leon laughs, and ducks his head, trying to stop the tears that are starting to well.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I'm crying…" Leon sniffles, his throat feels tight. He hears Amelia shift in her seat, but is surprised when he feels her place a comforting hand on his shoulder. He glances up at her and she offers him the tissue box from his desk. He smiles a watery smile at her and takes a few to dab at his eyes. "I should be excited, right?"

"Well, not necessarily. You just said you're scared, I think that's pretty reasonable. It's a big change." She rubs his back softly, and offers him another motherly smile. "Even a good change can still feel strange and scary. I was that way when I was getting ready to ask my husband if he wanted to try and have our son. He'd told me plenty of times that he wanted kids but it's still something new. It's ok to be a little afraid of it."

"But what if I'm not ready for this? What if I don't know enough yet-- or what if someone starts asking me questions and I don't know what to say." Leon can feel the panic swelling in him again. "Or what if--"

"Leon." Her tone is strict-- enough to make him shut his mouth. "Being pansexual is part of who you are, right?"

"Yes."

"And you want people to know that?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're ready. Nobody expects you to have all the answers. You're only human. I’m not telling you to force yourself if you’re not ready but... if you're already sitting down and thinking about how to do it and imagining the ifs, ands, and buts about what you're gonna do after the fact… Well, do you think you'll be happier and feel better?"

"I know I will…"

"Then I think you're ready. You've got this bad tendency to overthink everything with that head of yours." She smiles at him again and ruffles his hair gently to punctuate that point. “I think you should do it if it’ll make you happier. You can’t live your life always doing everything for everyone else. Sometimes you need to do something just for you because you know it’ll make you feel better and make your life better.”

"I… okay. You're right. I want to do this. For me...” Leon raises his hands again, wiping at his eyes and nose with the tissue and trying to breathe. His leg is still bouncing nervously, but he really does think she’s right. He’s been thinking about how much easier it would be to just… be after he came out. It felt like he always had to lie by omission and it was getting so hard. It felt like it hurt him a little bit every time he had to pretend that this wasn’t him. “Let me just... Let me clean up my face before I do but I'm… I think I'm ready. Thank you."

“Of course, Leon. Just tell me how you want me to help.”

-_-_-_-

In the late evening of June 13th, 2020, on Leon's social media there's a video post-- the first video post he's made in a little over a year along with a caption that just reads "I'm finally talking about something I've wanted to for a long time."

The video starts focused on Leon at his desk, eyes ever so slightly red as he shuffles through the papers on the desktop and looks up at the camera.

"I've been thinking about making this video for a long time. About if and how and when I wanted to do it. If I would be able to get my words right or if I had to do it a certain way but...I was helped to realize today that I can. I don’t need to keep putting myself aside because I’m afraid of what people will think of me. I’m safe to be here and to do this, and even if it’s scary for me that’s alright. I’m allowed to talk about myself.

I want to be perfectly honest because I've felt, for a long time, that I haven't been able to be. Because I wasn't ready, and I was afraid but I… know that there will be people who still love me and are there for me and I'm so thankful that they’re a part of my life. And if me, doing this, can help to comfort and validate someone else then I’m glad, but… I think I need to do this for my peace of mind.”

He pauses, looks down at his notes for a moment, and takes a deep breath. Letting his eyes close for a moment. It's a brief few seconds before he looks back up to the camera in his rotom phone.

"I'm sure it's no secret that I've been an ally to the LGBTQ+ community for years. I've participated in Wyndon pride several times in the past, and I have many friends and peers who are a part of this community. There is nothing to be ashamed about for loving whoever you love-- and there never will be. It’s an amazing community full of brave people, and it’s one of the most loving, helpful, and compassionate communities that I’ve ever had the privilege to be a part of, and I… really owe it to myself and to my friends and family who have supported me to be honest.

So… so today I'd like to tell you all that I'm pansexual. I love people regardless of their gender. I can develop feelings for people who are men, or women, or wherever they might identify on the gender spectrum. I’m sure that’s a surprise to some people, and probably not a surprise to others, but it’s something that I’ve known is a part of who I am for a long time.

I've never been quite sure of how I wanted to say it, but I don't want to keep this part of me a secret, not when it’s something that makes me feel like I can’t be who I am and especially not when it's something that someone else might need to hear to know that they're not alone. I have nothing to be ashamed of-- I’m happy with who I am and I’m so thankful that I know that I have people who are in my corner to support me for who I am.

And even if me saying this might be for me, right now, if it helps even one other person to feel a little more comforted about who they are then I’m glad. I’ve been so lucky to have been accepted in the LGBTQ+ community from the very first day, even if I wasn’t out, and I genuinely hope that I can continue to help and support others. People who might have been in my situation, or people who are out, or people who haven’t been given the privileges that I’ve had and who need them. I just… want you to know that even if you’re not there yet that I’m proud of you. You’re strong, and I’m proud of you even if you’re not able or ready to be out yet. And I owe a massive thank you to the people who have and who continue to support me. You inspire me and give me more courage than you could ever know.”

#Leon || Keep your eyes ahead and your mind open #Drabbles || Written Histories #||he did it im proud of him||

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askthechaoticwitch · 5 years

Text

➡ @xmalfoydracox ⬅

The Slytherin inhaled as he listened to her words, keeping his grip on her wrist as he exhaled. “Yeah, it came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. But just ignoring it won’t do any good, trust me ignoring something usually makes it so much worse. And besides if something horrible should happen to me and I was gone for good, you’d have to live with the what if and do you really want to do that?” He questioned softly before he let out a sigh as he let go of her wrist, listening to her speak once more he couldn’t help but to shake his head in disbelief. “I’m far from being a saint but thank you Wanda, you seem to be the only one who see’s the good in me. Well other than my mother but I am sure she’s quite bias since I am her baby boy.”

The male had allowed the female to take his hands in hers, he just focused on breathing as he listened to what she had to say. He couldn’t help but to let another sigh escape his throat, he had tried once before to make a friend who wasn’t as bad as his current friends but the male had judged him before getting to know him and rejected him. That had hurt quite a lot so he decided to stick with Slytherins and to close his heart away, he focused more on making his father proud than worrying about anything else. As he did that he decided to make the male’s life hell, if he wanted to assume he was the wrong sorts then so be it - he’d show him the wrong sorts as long as he felt the pain he had caused.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts when the Gryffindor had finally finished her thoughts, scrunching up his nose a it as his lips curled into a frown. “I’m not in love with Pansy so I wasn’t holding my breath for a future with her, its just a in the now and see where it goes sort of thing. You assume I deserve all that but in honestly, I wish I did but I don’t. And besides I'd sort of have to allow someone to get that close to start with and if you haven’t notice, I sort of made it where no one seems to want to. And yeah maybe but I haven’t exactly decided if I want to settle down.” He spilled out as he let his face relax a tad bit, shaking his head at her in disbelief once more. Did she seriously think he was gonna forget about her little confession, if she did then she was crazy. “In Merlin’s name you can’t be serious, I aint gonna forget about you little confession Maximoff. What I can guarantee you, is that its not gonna change anything unless you let it. And you need to stop assuming what I feel, its bloody rude. You aint me so you don’t know what I feel so don’t even begin to tell me how I feel, it is one way to make me dislike you and that’s really not what .” Malfoy hissed as his nostrils flared, it wasn’t as if he tended to lose his temper on her but who gave her the right to assume how he felt?

Inhaling then exhaling before he dared speak once more, he was trying to keep his emotions in check because he wasn’t gonna lose it on her. “You are right, I don’t feel that way towards you currently so yeah we’re not gonna happen. But it still doesn’t give you the right to assume my feelings before actually talking to me about it. And stop calling it a problem, there is seriously nothing wrong with having those feelings.” He sighed out as he lowered his voice, the last thing he wanted to do what hurt her feelings but he had to be honest with her. Besides it would be for the best if she just got over him, for multiple reasons that he really didn’t want to discuss.

After a few moments had passed, the male was becoming a bit angsty. He could see the worry in her eyes, which was followed shortly by words that he was dreading to hear. “Don’t worry about it...” He muttered out in a low breath, he honestly didn’t need another person worrying about him. He would be fine - he just had to be, but unfortunately he knew that he couldn’t stop her from worrying about him. Swallowing hard as he let go of her hands and moved backwards a bit, he was all too prepared to run and avoid this subject. He could handle the other one but this one, he didn’t want to talk about.

How could he tell her his deepest darkest secret, knowing that it would change things between them for good. After all she was on Potter’s side the last time he checked, he however was on the dark lords side - not by choice tho. It was bad enough he may not survive to his seventeenth birthday but to lose his best friend? That was worst.

He parted his lips to lie and say he was fine, that it was nothing he couldn’t handle. However he was cut off when she once again spoke, a slight huff escaping his throat at the words. He doubt she could love him if she knew what he was and what he had to do, even if she managed to somehow love him then the realization of what’s gonna happen if he fails is gonna hurt her. After all he promised her that he’d always be there for her til the end, how could he tell her knowing it could cause her pain either way?

A frown settled upon his facial features as he pulled away from her, he was literally trembling at this point. He didn’t care to pretend anymore, he was so close to breaking. “Wanda--” The blond began but cut himself off, he began looking around before he turned his attention back to her. He didn’t say anything, instead grabbed her hand and took her to somewhere more private. “--You can’t help me, I’m sorry...” Draco breathed out as he put a bit of distance between them, he couldn’t stand being near her right now as what he was about to do was gonna be one of the hardest things he would ever have to do when it came to Maximoff.

The Slytherin bit down on his bottom lip hard enough to cause it to bleed as he held out his arm and flipped it over, his hand ghosting his sleeve as he looked down at it. He knew there was no turning back after he did this and he knew for sure he wasn’t ready for this but he couldn’t lie to her, she had to know what’s wrong and why he didn’t deserve anything she thought he did. Inhaling and exhaling once more as he looked up at her, once he locked eyes with her he lifted up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark that rested upon his arm. “I’m not fine, I am never gonna be find again. I am supposed to kill Dumbledore. I don’t want to do it but I have no choice, I have to do this or he’s gonna kill me. I rather pitch myself off the Astronomy Tower than do this but he not only threatened to kill me if I fail but my parents too and I can’t let that happen, I just can’t. Its my father’s punishment for failing the dark lord not once but twice, my mother cried for weeks after I received the mission.. I have been trying for weeks to fix up a vanishing cabinet to let my Aunt Bella and a few death eaters in the castle.. I barely sleep due to that and the guilt and fear I feel is causing me to barely eat, I am basically dying inside... I didn’t tell you all this because I am terrified of losing you, not that I can blame you because death eaters killed your parents and now I am a death eater about to commit the worst unforgivable thing imaginable. I’m sorry, I am so truly sorry. You can hate me, I understand but please don’t tell anyone. Please, I am begging you.” Draco cried out as the tears fell from his eyes, he couldn’t stop himself from breaking down any longer.

Wanda was listening to Draco, her facial expression turning from relaxed to one of disappointment and worry. He had suddenly slipped but it didn't go unnoticed by his friend. "Wait. What do you mean by "if I was gone for good"? What is going on? Why are you speaking as if you're going to die?"

However, he kept talking about his relationship with Pansy, and she let him finish, but she was going to bring it back as soon as he was done speaking. The brunette frowned, looking at Draco bewildered. "What's the point of being in a relationship with someone you don't love! If you truly have no feelings for her as you said, you should stop wasting your and her time. As mean as she can be, she deserves to be with a person who loves her. You do too. You'll only hurt her and yourself if you keep this up."

Wanda felt her cheeks heat up when the Slytherin brought back the topic of her feelings. She shifted uncomfortably, swallowing hard, a look of betrayal in her eyes. Draco had ditched her for a girl he doesn't even love? To say she was feeling terrible was understandable. Rage was building up inside of her, but she put on a perfectly calm, cold expression, determined not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had been able to hit a nerve.

"Listen, Malfoy - I've always thought you could be more than the mean person everyone knows. You have no right to play with people's feelings and you should stop leading Parkinson on, that's really shitty of you. I'm not really surprised though, you've always been up for some "entertainment"."

The girl took a breath, still looking at Draco with an emotionless face. "I won't stop calling it a problem because it clearly is one. Falling for you was a mistake especially since I now know you don't mind dating someone just for the fun of it and not because you truly have feelings for them. That's a reason I should give up on you, just as you wanted."

Wanda really couldn't imagine dating her best friend and finding out he didn't love her at all in the first place. The thought made her feel used, somehow dirty. The Gryffindor suddenly felt sorry for Pansy, whose situation was exactly this one.

After she had brought up Draco's miserable state, Wanda noticed him becoming quite uneasy and she almost regretted starting this conversation. Almost.

The girl followed him to somewhere private where they could discuss this matter in peace and waited patiently for a reply. She frowned when he let go of her hands, upset by the fact that her friend was pushing her away again. The female observed the way anxiety was seeping into Draco, she could almost hear his loud heartbeat in the deadly quiet room. Her expression softened, she was looking at him with pure love, encouraging him to share what was troubling him. It hurt her incredibly much to watch him suffer in silence, unable to help him so she was hoping he'd finally let her in.

Wanda's eyes filled with tears at the sight of Draco nearly falling apart, but she didn't say a word. With a pounding heart she watched as the boy pulled up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark on his arm. The girl let out a quiet gasp, covering her mouth, as the tears finally rolled down her cheeks. She carefully listened to her friend's explanation, not taking her eyes off the black skull and snake which rested upon his arm. The female could only take a couple of seconds before nausea hit her full force and she had to pull a chair to sit on since her legs were barely holding her at that point. The news knocked the air out of her lungs and Wanda began to rub her throat, finding it extremely hard to breathe. Countless thoughts were running through her head, each more terrifying than the one before it. She had already lost her biological parents, twin brother and adoptive parents, she wouldn't be able to bear the loss of her best friend who was her only family.

She looked up at the boy with a broken expression, nearly choking on her words. "You do realise not only Dumbledore is going to die if you complete this mission? What makes you think Voldemort won't kill you and your parents even if you succeed? Remember - he's not to be trusted, he knows no sympathy nor loyalty. He's cruel and he wouldn't hesitate to get rid of any of you if he has to, in order to win."

Wanda stood up and in the next moment the boy was in her warm embrace. The girl knew how much he needed to let it all out and she wasn't going to stop him - she let him cry into her shoulder and be broken, something he had done for her long ago.

"Draco... I can't hate you for something that's not your fault. You were forced to join the Death Eaters and you never wanted to kill anyone," Wanda spoke softly, taking Draco's hand to gently caress the skin where the mark rested, knowing how painful the process of receiving it actually is. She was absolutely shocked by how long he had managed to keep it a secret for but couldn't blame him - there's no easy way to share this secret even with your closest friends. "All of this... I can't even process it. I'm sure you know all of us are going to lose if you let the Death Eaters in. Thousands of innocent people are going to be hurt, tortured and killed..."

Wanda whimpered quietly, still not believing what she had just heard. "You've been a bully, yes, but you could never be a murderer. Your heart isn't cruel. That's why I know you're going to fail with your mission. Plus Dumbledore is the greatest wizard of all time, he can't be killed easily."

"I promise you that you do have a choice. You'll always have. You're just a boy who happened to be burdened with a terrible purpose and I know people who would gladly provide you safety. Dumbledore himself would never turn his back on people who come to him for help. Your parents would be safe too, Dumbledore would shelter them like he did with Severus Snape years ago."

Wanda squeezed her eyes shut and a few more tears fell. "If you, however, decide to finish your mission, that means you're on the Dark Lord's side and you support the people who murdered my parents. You will hurt me immensely if you betray me like that."

The girl finally opened her eyes and exhaled slowly. She looked into Draco's tortured grey eyes. Wanda didn't really care about how miserable and worn out she looked, she just stood on her tippy toes and placed and feather-like kiss on his forehead.

"Just say the word, Draco, my dear. You don't have to go through this, especially not alone. I'll be with you until the very end. Whatever it takes."

#draco malfoy rp #xmalfoydracox #draco malfoy #wanda maximoff rp #wanda maximoff rpblog #wanda maximoff #marvel #marvel rp #harry potter rp #harry potter au #hogwarts au #hp rp #hp au rp

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organized-chaotic-disaster · 2 years

Text

Autism rambling below, don't rb <3

So, I'm autistic. The psychologist assessing me diagnosed me

It's... I've had a lot of emotions and idk what they all are tbh. I'm feeling a lot, but that's not necessarily a bad thing

He explained to me that he diagnoses on 3 levels: mild, moderate, and severe. It reminded me of people referring to autism as being "high-functioning" or "low-functioning," so I internally rose an eyebrow at that ngl, but I'm not gonna comment on it. But he basically said he'd diagnose me with mild autism, but quite mild - basically borderline

But he also said that if I'd seen him as a kid, he'd have diagnosed me with moderate autism, and he said that there's no "cure" for autism (which there shouldn't be!!!!), which sort of confirms that, if I'd be diagnosed as a kid, that's that, I'm autistic, no "ands" "ifs" or "buts" about it

And I'm relieved. It's something I've been wondering about on-again-off-again for about 10 years now, and as more time has gone on, the more I've thought about and considered it. So, needless to say, to finally have that weight of the what-ifs off my shoulders is a huge relief

I won't lie though, part of me is feeling a bit of a "what now?" kinda feeling. Like, okay great, I have that confirmation now, but now what? He said I wouldn't qualify for any assistance based on this diagnosis - honestly I didn't think I really needed it, my main goal was to get the confirmation so I could breathe - but it still feels a little... weird? idk

He also mentioned he didn't notice some certain symptoms that I know for a FACT that I have (namely OCD-like behaviour), but those never really came up, so I'm gonna bring that stuff up during our wrap-up session in a few weeks

idk man. It's really nice to have a better understanding of myself, and now I get to embrace that and be proud of it. I get to be proud of myself for pushing through some things that may have been made more difficult by being autistic in a world built for neurotypicals

This has been a really big thing, but also very small, at the same time. It feels really weird. I've had a few moments where I was so overwhelmed by multiple emotions hitting me at once that it felt like I'd hit a brick wall of it and become numb, complete with the staticky-feeling you get when your foot is numb, and there have been moments that I wanted to cry out of relief (though tears wouldn't come, at least not in full-force, maybe some glossiness in my eyes but that's about it), and there have been moments of calm and clarity where I don't even think about it, at least not much actively, all in the... about 6? Hours since the diagnosis itself

But overall, I'm glad I did this, and finally felt I was taken seriously about my thoughts regarding an issue like this. I've been brushed off too many times in medical settings (whether physically or psychologically focused), and even in my personal life, so to have someone not only treat me as an equal rather than a subordinate who clearly doesn't understand my own situation, but to also validate my perspective, is really nice ;v;

#personal #seriously don't rb please I just wanted to ramble to process things alskdfjksla

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thatgirlkennedie · 6 years

Text

Title: Hidden in the Dark

Rating: (Hard) T

Warnings: Implied self-harm, implied suicide thoughts, Prompto being sad

Notes: this is a little late but here’s some angst for Day4: Hurt/Comfort @promptis-fanweek

AO3

It wasn't a bad thing but it was weird for Noctis to receive a knock on his door at this hour. He was surprisingly still up for it be 2 am; Flipping through channels out of boredom, not expecting anyone over. He wouldn't put the doubt on it being Ignis since his advisor has done this before but also he had no reason for coming over. Ignis usually would at least let him know a bit beforehand if he was stopping by. Still, it's strange and now his door was being knocked on a little more frantically. He got up from his spot reluctantly and went to see what beheld him behind that door. He looked through the peephole first and well, it was dark and even with the front light on it was difficult to see except for the outline of what looked to be a man in a hoodie. He sighed; Worst come to worst he had his weapon on him. He slowly opened the door, leaving it slightly ajar before getting a full view of the person in front of him. “Prompto? What are you doing here?” And it's not meant to sound rude but really, it's not the usual time to hang out. Noctis wasn't mad at him at all, if anything, he was confused by this. Here stood his best friend who seemed… a little off from his normal self. “Ya know, just been walkin’ around, seeing the sights.” Noctis would have accepted this response if it wasn't two at night. Walking at night wasn't a bad thing to do, Insomnia was pretty safe, but Prompto’s behavior was skewed from his normality which was making the atmosphere a bit thinner. “Now what's the real reason why you're here?” Noctis spoke and it was supposed to sound like a lighthearted question but he saw the way Prompto cringe at the words. He then realized he still had the door cracked open so he opened it all the way but the blonde only stood there unmovable. “I… had to get some air. Being all cooped up all by yourself… can make you go crazy sometimes.” The laugh was a dead give away that something was wrong. It was too stale, too forced out to be genuine which had a pang of concern rise inside of Noctis. Soon though, Prompto took the invitation to go inside. Noctis watched him; Prompto’s movements seemed robotic like, almost stiff as he made his way and sat down on the couch. Okay, it's been about a week since they saw each other face to face. Partly from Noctis being busy with all the royal bullshit and Prompto well, the blonde claimed sicken some days and work other days which, if were true, made sense why hanging out would have been impossible. Also, they're just so used to being with each other every waking moment of the day and a week off felt like their dynamic had changed; Not good or bad but definitely something weird was going on. This was the quietest Prompto had ever been. Noctis figured he'd crack a joke by now but the blonde just sat there, head hanging low with no words leaving his mouth at all. Nothing more than a long sigh left him as he stayed silent which only made Noctis more worried. He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Prompto, waiting for some form of conversation starting. When he got none, he let out a sigh of his own before speaking. “Hey, are you… okay?” And he could tell that the blonde wasn't okay. The question posed as a means for an explanation. “As okay as I'll ever get.” Prompto mumbled out almost too quiet to hear. “What do you mean by-” “I quit my job a couple weeks ago…” Prompto stated his voice barely above a whisper. Noctis looked at him with bewilderment. A couple of weeks ago? Why would Prompto lie to him about working so much in the past week? He's, again, not mad but there's some confusion that lingers. “...What?” That's all Noctis could respond with. “I've been… having a bad day, a bad week, a bad life… things just haven't been going my way lately.” “Prompto-” “I just feel… useless. I fuck things up too much and… I just had to get away.” Noctis couldn't believe what he was hearing. It's unlike Prompto to speak so morbidly in his speech. He's known Prompto for a few years now and not once had he witness him doing anything but quirk the side of his lips up in a bright smile or pure angelic laughter. This, this was backwards behavior and he's so taken aback by it. “Prompto, where is this all coming from? You are an awesome person and you're usually so happy and-” “It was a lie.” Prompto’s voice rose, some heat behind his words. “It's all been a lie, I'm a fucking lie!” He paused to take a breath, turning his head enough to look straight as Noctis. “I've done some… dumb things in the last week Noct… I'm not proud of those things…” All Noctis could do was stare and listen in disbelief. He could only imagine the things Prompto got into and he really didn't want to believe it. “You gotta tell me. What have you've been doing this week Prompto?” He's so damn worried now and he just doesn't know the right thing to do in this situation. “You don't wanna know-” “I do. Let me help you with this. Please?” Noctis had grown desperate for some form of response that could bring light to this situation. Prompto was more than just sad; It's the sadness that Noctis hadn't dealt with since his younger days. That feeling of worthlessness and the dread of doing things or; He's gone through it, not as severely, but enough to pinpoint the symptoms. He had his own rough days sometimes but he could bare them for the most part especially when Prompto was there to help him too; Spontaneous recovery was a blessing in itself. He's not even sure how long Prompto had been like this or if he could even make such a recovery. “Did you ever feel a tug to your magic?” Prompto asked and it's an odd question. In true, Noctis never paid that much attention to when his friends used their weapons. If one of them was constantly using their weapons, then yes he would feel something but he hasn't in a while. “No, why?” He had a feeling he knew why Prompto asked this question but he doesn't want to admit it to himself; He doesn't want to speak the inevitable. “I-I…” The sigh that left him was more shaky, almost on the verge of tears.”I keep… summoning my gun and just… I'm such a fucking coward. I can't do it because I'm too weak but I… don't know what else I can do…” Hearing Prompto so devout of hope was heart-shattering. Noctis would have never guessed Prompto was going through so much; Even more so how well he hid it for so long. “Prompto, what are you saying?” And Noctis is caught between wanting to know and not knowing. If he knew exactly what was happening (and he could take a wild guess), he'd go straight to helping him. Not knowing would only stall the inevitable which wasn't a good thing to do; Not when Prompto is so deep into this mood. “I… I don't know if I can live like this anymore Noct. Life only served to kick me in the ass all the time and I'm not happy, I'm never happy. Happiness is so rare that I don't know the meaning of it anymore…” Hearing that just made Noctis’s stomach drop. He's only ever seen Prompto happy and seeing him like this was still so baffling. It's painful seeing and listening to how hurt Prompto was. It's been happening right under his nose with nary an indication of Prompto’s condition and he felt almost like a bad friend for not seeing the signs but even then Prompto never showed an inkling of his mentality faltering. “W-when are you happy?” It's a pretty broad question. Prompto had even just said the rarity of happiness was so high he doesn't even know what it was. More so, just the idea of Prompto even thinking about taking his life was something he'd never think Prompto would want to do. It's too surreal, too real, and Noctis wanted to do everything in his power to make sure Prompto would progressively get better. Prompto didn't respond to his question for some time. Noctis could see tears welling up in those tired blue eyes, slowly falling down his face as he stayed silent for a bit. “You're gonna think I'm crazy dude.” Prompto’s voice was unsteady, a spike of laughter began to emit from him. It's unlike anything Noctis has seen; Psychosis at its peak. “Try me.” “It's you!” Prompto had gripped onto Noctis’s arms. “You make me happy!” The gesture surprised Noctis but he let it happen; The words surprised him even more. Prompto had leaned into him, crying into his chest with broken sobs. Noctis glanced down a bit to exposes wrist, seeing faded scars and it's so telling what internal pain Prompto had been through. He held onto him tightly, never wanting to let go until Prompto could somehow instantly feel happy again but he knew it wasn't that easy. “You… you make me happy too.” And Prompto only cried harder into his chest. Sadness was definitely not an emotion that Noctis ever thought Prompto could muster up but here he was now, devote of hope, lost in a dark despair that Noctis knew was difficult to get out of. “Wh-why?” Prompto sat up a bit, clinging to Noctis’s shirt. “I'm… I’m nothing but a fuck up Noct. You don't need me, no one needs me . I'm a fucking waste of space that should have offed myself forever ago.” He went to pull away but Noctis pulled him back in for a hug. The prince held him once more; Prompto had gone rigid, completely unmoving. “You make me happy for being who you are. You've been through a lot and I want to do everything I can to help you not think less of yourself. I'll get you all the help in the world if it meant you'd be happy, truly happy.” Noctis voice was low, close to Prompto’s ear for sincerity. He felt Prompto shudder and the cries were back; Sounding a little less sorrowful, a bit more… gentle. “Noct… I'm scared, Noct…” His sobs were quiet and Noctis only held onto him tighter. “I know and it's okay, I'm here for you.” A yawn soon escaped him after he spoke. Prompto had sat up, wiping away the tears that stained his cheeks. “It's pretty late… I should go-” “You can stay here with me for tonight.” Noctis interjected. It's not because of how late it is but Prompto’s stability was too unstable for Noctis to let him walk away; He's doesn't think Prompto would do anything but just to be safe. Prompto doesn't even try to argue it and just nodded his head. They retired to Noctis’s room soon enough. Prompto stood in the doorway when Noctis entered, clearly unsure of entering. “I-I can stay in the guestroom, ya know…” “Yeah but… I just wanna watch over you is all.” And Prompto let out a sigh, acknowledging that it may be for the best if he did stay with him. Noctis changed and gave Prompto some clothes to change into. He saw the hesitation, a look of fear and uncertainty yet Prompto took them cautiously and went to change in the bathroom. Prompto returned, sheepishly walking in and Noctis really looked at Prompto. He looked thinner almost sickly like and those scars were more prominent running up his forearm. Those violet-blue eyes once sparkled now are all hollow, empty with despair. Noctis had gestured him to the bed and Prompto came slowly, sitting down on the sheets and sighing. “I'm sorry for all this…” “Nothing to be sorry for.” Noctis let out a sight too before getting into his bed. Prompto followed suit, making sure he was strictly on one side of the bed as far away as Noctis as possible. It's silent with only breathing being heard between them. Noctis had slowly scooted closer to Prompto as the time passed by. He figured Prompto was asleep but once he gently wrapped his arm around Prompto’s midsection, the blonde stiffened up. Noctis retracted quickly but Prompto scooted back into him to his surprise. This was comfortable; Prompto securely in his arms from any self-inflicting danger. This whole night had opened Noctis’s eyes to who Prompto really was and he was going to do everything in his power to ensure his safety and wellbeing. He wasn't gonna lose the person he cared so much for.

#Promptis #ffxv #Promptis Week 2018 #sad bois #give prom a hug

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slytherdor-life · 4 years

Text

TW: venting about my whole ass panic attack. So yeah

So I'm literally in tears rn. My acne flared up really bad. My nose is to big. My lips are too small. My hair just won't work with me. I may be skinny isn't good when your face looks like God hit you 1000000000000000000000x with the ugly stick.

My brother decided to say, "It's not that bad. Why are you upset?"

Easy to say when you have every female in the world falling at your feet.

Like all my siblings got the attractive gene & my genes decided I'd be the ugly one.

My teeth are messed up to. Not lined up, under bite. Got scars lining my body so that's another flaw to add.

Why would anyone decide to date me.

The guy I was dating kill himself. I would to if I was dating me.

He didn't even leave my ugly ass a note. Such a shame ig.

Got ADHD, Bipolar, ODD, Generalized Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, & now possibly falling on the Autism spectrum.

Ugly af

Annoying af

Always fall in everyone's shadows. Only this person's younger sister or this persons older sister maybe this other person's daughter.

Can't even make a name for myself. Sometimes I wish I'd disappear. I was suppose to have a twin. If she made it maybe it'd be better.

School is stressing me out. I somehow passed last year. Kind of tired.

I'm just tired.

No matter how hard I try or how hard I work. Nothing will ever be enough.

Not for me, my mum, my siblings, my friends, my teachers, no one. I'm never enough.

I have a panic attack my mum decides the cry.

What gives her the right. She looks great. She's witty, kind, independent, knows what she wants. So why is she crying. Literally nothing happened.

You're crying cause I'm upset & making everyone else upset. Literally not my fault I'm having a panic attack while looking in the mirror.

Hell now I've started starving myself. Afraid of weight gain ig

I lie. Say how cool my family is. How I don't care whether I am skinny or not. Lie that I'm not ugly or pretty. I lie. Straight through my teeth.

I pretend my life is so great.

No.

I never have been close with my mum. I've always wanted to. Seems everytime I start to I get pushed back.

My mother is proud of all my other siblings.

I gave up on art. I was like 12 or 13. I went to show my mother a drawing.

My mother told me to shut up as my older brother & sister were gonna sing. She couldn't even wait one second to take a glance.

When she decided to look. After praising her oh so talented children. She just said my drawing was cool.

I flushed that drawing down the toilet.

I've decided that I'll just not try.

I'm 16 atm. I try to impress my mother. Be a oh so good kid.

Never one glance.

Where did I go wrong.

My ex boyfriend gave me hope. Maybe someone could love me. Someone could find a way to look past all my flaws & see some beauty that I just couldn't see.

But the rope he hung from could say different.

No goodbye, no letter. Nothing.

Last words were him breaking up with me in a group chat without notifying me .

Having to find out through someone he hates.

Someone who he despises knew.

Then when I joined. He just ridiculed me. Put me down. Kept saying cruel words. Just to break up. Then leave this world.

I know I wasn't the cause. That his world came to an end. But why?

I've only ever looked at the bright side. Wanted to help others. Sit by those who hurt. Helping others gave me purpose. Hope that maybe I one day could.

My mother's name is Hope though. Even she couldn't believe in me. How ironic. The woman who gave birth to me is named Hope. Yet any hope she could've had in me never met my eyes.

I would leave the world as well. I guess I just like the challenge. Tried to leave a couple times. Each one a fail. For 6 minutes & few seconds. My heart stopped. I was at peace. Then my heart decides to beat again. Body decides to work again.

October 23rd 2018. Was my near death experience. Was great honestly. Sadly death just won't take me. No matter how much I've tried. Even death doesn't want me.

How ironic. Death takes everyone. Yet not me.

Take people I care about. Not me though.

I gave up on attempting suicide. Never leads me to death.

I just kind of exist now.

Mother won't let me get a job. Won't let me pierce even my ears.

She says she cares yet victim cards Trump all.

I weirdly love my family though.

My mother saved me from going to foster care. Plus my father was abusive. The memories that'll never leave haven't grown because of her.

Yet it seems I really was just part of the package.

To care for any of the others. I was just the con.

She showed up to my football practice in 8th grade.

She looked so proud & congratulated me on knocking guys 10x my height down. For once she was proud.

One of my matches she showed up to. I was knocked down by a kid. Are team lost. Any hope she had in me. I could see disappear.

She lectured me after. Saying how I could've done better.

I quit the team. Coach said that I shouldn't. It just wasn't as full filing when the person who gives birth to you. Well the one you spend all your time trying to make proud. Look at you with cold eyes.

I had a choir concert not even a year ago. I did the whole thing. Hoping maybe she walk in. See that I was overcoming my fear of singing on stage.

She texted me once I was done. She waited outside the entire time.

Didn't take the time to come in. I thought maybe she was doing something. Shopping or riding around. No. She just sat in the parking lot.

It hurts. I lost my childhood. Lost someone I loved. Lost any hope of my mum being proud. Lost my pride. Lost any love for myself. Lost any meaning for my life.

I've given up. Won't kill myself.

Wouldn't give myself the satisfaction. Plus I've tried to many times. Shot my shot. Missed everyone besides one that I rimmed & missed.

Guess I'll live just to survive. Then die peacefully in life.

Maybe I'll die saving someone. That'd be good to. Be remembered as someone who saved someone .

Well thx for reading ig

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lunuanaki · 7 years

Note

Your favorite ship. I'm talking about the one that gives you the butterflies and happy feel good feelings. Talk to me about that. I wanna know what your brain words say about it. :)

THANK YOU, SYN, FOR SENDING ME THIS MESSAGE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD because probably they know what’s going to happen and they don’t want any part of it--- *glares at entire dash like that one picture of the assmad cartoon pig*

I’m going to cut this because it’ll definitely get long, but... if you wanna know what kind of ships I would throw myself in front of a ruby dragon for, you’re boutta find out... I’m gonna explain it for the unfamiliar as well, though. So I get to talk more. I don’t know how anyone on this website could dislike this ship. Fight me. Anyone who reads this and agrees gets the warm fuzzy feeling of my everlasting favour.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

It’s Velka and Gwyndolin, is anyone surprised?! Nahhh... BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THEM BC I BET YOU DONT KNOW EM?!For those unfamiliar with Dark S//ouls, Gwyndolin is the youngest child of the Great Lord Gwyn, God of War/Sun/Lightning, all that big noisy man stuff. Gwyndolin was born weak and fragile and corpse-white, so, realising he wasn’t much of a trophy child, Gwyn raised him as a girl. Gwyn’s rejection never quite sat well with him, though - he’s always been insecure about his appearance and how others interpret it. He hates being stared at, and has been known to kill servants who aren’t careful where they look. Actually, he’s not fussy about murder in general, but he does have a strong sense of who deserves it and who doesn’t.Gwyndolin’s talents lie in moon-related magic and archery. As an adult, he still presents as female, he’s still horribly weak in a physical sense, paper-white, and for unspecified-in-canon reasons, has six or eight snakes where his legs should be (he still has legs, but the snakes tend to boost him off the floor). I’m not going to link any images. Picture white silk, gold, delicate, intricately made bows and faintly glowing arrows, and a gold mask he hides his face behind that mimics the shape of the sun his dad is so obsessed with.His canon personality is cold and apathetic; this is no tragic princess to be rescued. Suggest as much, or try to cross him, and he will kill you where you stand, with a shot so fast you’d never see him draw the arrow, or raise his staff. He leads a covenant of followers who hunt down sinners. As proof that they killed for their master, these followers tear off their victim’s ear and bring it to his doorstep for his approval. He’s pure grace and moonlight, and the definition of the phrase “glass cannon”. He knows his place, and even though he will never be a true part of Gwyn’s family, at least to his father, he works to support them. You can kill him in-game; if you do, the sun will go out. It was an illusion. The sun went out in Anor Londo centuries ago; Gwyndolin has been maintaining the false image of its better days, as a comfort to visiting Undead, even though it must grate at his soul to do it. His title is Dark Sun. This is not his natural habitat.

Velka. Velka is a name, and a concept. That’s all we get in-game. She appeared in the third game as a statue (that confirmed my headcanon appearance for her to be spot on). Her title is Goddess of Sin. She’s known for being sneaky, “eccentric witch”, difficult, changeable. Gwyn’s friendship with her was always rocky; she could see his pride and his self interest, and he knew she waited for the day he met her judgement. Flames help him; after the massacre of the dragons, if he ever knelt at her feet, it would be the last thing he did. If Gwyn is the sun, she is the darkness waiting for him to sink below the horizon. Her covenant are absolvers of sin, for a price, their faces covered to separate them from the material world. She has no concept of the Christian idea of sin, because that just doesn’t exist in Lordran. Sin is decided based on her moral compass - conflicting philosophies, like the Way of White, might claim she has none, because she sees no inherent sin in drinking, or sex, or gambling, as long as no ill intent or effect is there. She only wears black, silver, and that one splash of red, the wedding ring from the husband she outlived. She was human once; not a born Lord like Gwyndolin. That mortal vitality is still about her; she never had the luxury of living without the concept of death. Picture extremely long, thick black hair (that she’s famous for in game), crystal-clear lavender eyes, blood red lips, porcelain-coloured skin and purple dark circles, lace and velvet. Her mother taught her to scheme and spy her way up. Gwyndolin was naturally suspicious of her at first, as he should have been. But their covenants had a mutual interest, and she began to supply her list of unrepentant sinners for his covenant to hunt down. It became a bonding ritual, I think both of them enjoyed it more than they’d admit.

Gwyndolin to begin to get. Jealous. Velka was known for spending nights with anyone she pleased, servant to knight, never getting attached to any of them. There were rumours that the crown prince of sunlight himself was on that list. Gwyndolin seemed to be the only one she wouldn’t look at in that way. Was that because of the way he looked? Did she pity or avoid him the way everyone else did, even after all this time? Every hour she spent with one of them was one she wasn’t with him. His own anger at her is confusing to him, because he’s never had any interest in anyone, male or female, not like this. It was, she said, because she valued him more than one of her throwaways. She paid close attention to him, enough to know he didn’t like to be approached like that, or looked at. Whenever people had shown interest in him before, he’d assumed they were mocking him. She didn’t want to make him feel the way they did, so she was content with the distance she stayed at, as long as she could pride herself on being the one he was most comfortable with. It was selfish, really, but she liked being his favourite, so she’d do anything to stay that way. Velka does not recognise the word love, because she’s never experienced it before, so she doesn’t use it, not yet.

When they finally stopped dancing around each other, her reputation for impropriety died, along with anyone who spoke about her like that in front of Gwyndolin. Gwyndolin is extremely possessive, and Velka, for once, finds she wants to be possessed. There’s still no power imbalance, though. With her support, Gwyndolin’s confidence can develop (she’s so proud of everything he does). With his favour, she can’t be sidelined as badly as before. They have to be careful as a couple, because it’s dangerous to be seen that way. Not because “Gwyn won’t approve of her”, but because between them, with their combined covenants, Gwyn’s distrust of her, and the growing unrest among Gwyn’s human subjects, they present a very real threat to the throne, and as if to prove their point, Gwyn will soon exile his own son and heir for less.

They’re like Morticia and Gomez, if all that overly romantic stuff were silent. Because they don’t need to say anything. Like the time he panicked over an instinctive murder of a wayward servant, and she helped him clean the blood off his hands and let him calm down alone when she wanted to kiss him until he remembered how much more important he was than such a silly mistake as that - to her, and who else matters? Or the time someone made an untoward comment about her at the dinner table and no one saw Gwyndolin draw the arrow, just the sight of it hit the speaker and kill them instantly. She only laughed as politely as she could, because he already knows how much she adores his overprotective homicidal tendencies, and he thrives off it. Her sense of justice has a blind spot that exists just for him, and she can forgive him anything.

There’s a little piece of lore in the game that says Velka sided against the gods in a war, and lost. The AU that could happen if they won gives me life. If they won, she wouldn’t have taken Gwyn’s place herself, she would have given it to Gwyndolin. They would make a terrifying but brilliant leader between them. The sun would set in Anor Londo for good, and Gwyndolin’s intelligence and clarity would get a chance to prove itself more useful than Gwyn’s brute force and genocide tactics. Gwyndolin isn’t much for titles, but you can be damn sure Velka would take it. If it made Gwyn turn in his grave to hear her called Queen, she’d insist on it, after the way she watched him treat Gwyndolin. As if he weren’t worthy of Gwyn’s pathetic legacy.

Of course, as the series goes, in the third game, Gwyndolin is gone. Reportedly cannibalised by a cult leader and his apprentice while he was weak and sick. Velka’s verse for that revolves around her finding and saving him - whatever that means.

If anyone stuck with me this long, please offer me emotional support, because I am compromised. I haven’t run out of words or feelings, I’ve run out of energy to convey them. These two are precious to me. Not only is there all this intensity and unrelenting devotion behind them, they take the usual framework for a hetero relationship, shatter it and piece it back together in completely the “wrong” order. Velka has some of the masculine traits, the forcefulness of her mannerisms, the proactively destructive one, however undercover it might be. Gwyndolin is the formal, delicate, princessly one, and has to be pushed to react badly. Both of them are beautiful, in totally opposing ways. You would usually expect the female to be the sexually inexperienced one and the male to be the opposite, but that’s flipped on its head as well. And yet, the hyper-feminine one is Velka. Gwyndolin is androgynous, even in feminine clothing. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a pairing where each one adds to the others’ existence to such a degree as they do. I reject the events of the second and third games and substitute my own, because anything else is a waste of one of the best pairs I’ve seen in anything, ever. I don’t think I’ll ever top some of the threads I did with enasaliin with these two, honestly, I might as well log out and never come back. I have to go do some starters now. My heart hurts. ;-;

#ooc;#MASSIVE otp vent #also will teach you a LOT about velka if anyone is interested in her #sighs into the sun #just end me right here #about ;; velka #this wasnt even everything i wanted to say #i have a chara vent twitter but i wont even bother tbh because #140 characters? 10x that isnt enough fam #hyperionknight

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