#i'm aware there are five thousand 'i' statements here

[vintage-rose-fiction]

In The Line Of Fire - Aaron Hotchner

Summary: In the aftermath of tragedy, a haunted ex-MI5 sniper finds herself thrust into the world of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. Diana Taylor, grappling with the ghosts of her past, is drawn into the fold by an unexpected ally: the absent Jason Gideon, whose abrupt departure leaves a void within the team. As she navigates the complexities of her new role, she encounters Aaron Hotchner, the stoic leader of the BAU, whose apprehension towards her being in the team is palpable. Meanwhile, Hotchner finds himself grappling with his own demons, recently divorced and struggling to balance the demands of work with his desire to be present for his son. Diana's presence becomes a beacon of hope amidst the chaos. Her sharp intellect and unyielding determination offer a glimmer of promise in the face of uncertainty, her resilience a testament to the strength forged in the crucible of adversity. However, beneath Diana's exterior lies a streak of self-sacrifice that often leads her into dangerous territory Aaron Hotchner often finds himself at odds with her reckless nature.

Content Warning for graphic violence and future smut, this is part one of a series posted on Wattpad and Ao3.

Chapter One- Doubt

Gideon was acutely aware of the price his job demanded from him, a realisation that had taken root in him since his earliest days as a young, ambitious agent climbing the ranks of the FBI. He knew, deep down, that one day the weight of it all would become too much to bear; The doubt, the judgement, the ever-looming cloud of anxiety that settled in the pit of his stomach was a burden he carried with him every day.

Sitting in the dimly lit room of his cabin, the pen in his hand felt heavier than usual, each stroke of ink carrying the weight of a thousand more words he wished  he could say, with each carefully constructed word, every letter meticulously formed, he couldn't help but feel the weight of his own responsibility, the lives he held in his hands with each case. Sarah. Her memory hung heavy in his mind.

“I just don't understand any of it anymore, I'm sorry.”

The outside of the cabin shrouded in a blanket of darkness, with only a warm, dim glow emanating from the front window and a subtle glow from a put out cigarette on the porch. Gideon moved silently through the cabin, his steps cautious as he gathered his belongings; His decision to leave the BAU stirred a hopeful feeling, no matter how much the letter in his palm caused his hands to shake as he placed it on the table. An unpleasant sensation crawled up his spine, the feeling of being watched.

"Diana."

Gideon turned, his gaze searching the darkness until he spotted her form nestled in the shadows. He hadn't expected to find her here, in this remote corner of the world where he sought solace amidst the chaos.

"Diana" he repeated more accusatively, his voice tinged with surprise. "What are you doing here?" She always had an intimidating presence despite her petite frame; there was a certain intensity to her dark eyes, the combination of her sharp angular features and long dark curls adding to her unwavering ability to command the space around her.

Diana remained seated, her posture relaxed yet alert as she regarded him from across the room with a simple nod as her hand gestured for him to sit down. "You’re being stupid right now Gideon" she replied simply, her voice carrying the weight of unspoken words between them. Gideon nodded, understanding dawning in his eyes as he took in the gravity of her words. He had always admired her tenacity, he couldn't help but feel a sense of gratitude for her finding him, oddly a sense of relaxation soothing the doubts he was feeling washed over him.

“You always had such good potential in MI5 Diana.” He started deflecting from her statement, sitting opposite her leaning forward, his hands grasping together.”you’ve been here six years, an agent for five” he paused before continuing again “Tell me why do you go from an agent to a bounty hunter”

“Shit goes south” She trailed off momentarily in remembrance “At least I'm trying” Her voice harsh, glancing up at him looking at his posture.

Gideon leaned back, absorbing her words with a thoughtful expression. "Trying to what, Diana? Find your version of Justice?" he asked, his tone gentle yet probing. "Or trying to escape what happens when you close your eyes?"

Diana's gaze flickered, a hint of vulnerability slipping through her facade of stoicism. "Both, maybe," she admitted with a small scoff and a smile, her voice softer now, tinged with a note of resignation. "But mostly, I'm trying to get out, I don't need the bullshit rules and regulations of federal investigations."

Gideon nodded in understanding, she was almost like a mirror reflection of himself after ‘The Boston Shrapnel Bomber’. "I know the feeling," he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. "But running away won't make them disappear, Diana. Sometimes you have to face your demons head on."

Diana met his gaze, her eyes darkening with a mixture of defiance and uncertainty. "And what about you, Gideon?" she challenged, her voice tinged with a hint of bitterness. "Are you facing your demons, or are you just running away?"

Gideon's expression hardened, a flicker of pain crossing his features before he quickly masked his expression into a mask of melancholy. "I'm not running away, Diana," he replied firmly, his voice tinged with endearment. "I'm choosing to step away, to find a different path, maybe I'll finally find peace."

Diana studied Gideon's resolute expression, a fond absolute smile on his face. “And I want you to move on and find stability again. That's why I sent a letter to Daniel Mikealson, and Erin Strauss recommending you as a Sniper and geographical profiler for the BAU” 

Her face fell momentarily “You know I left that shit behind, I can’t go- I can’t do it again-” she pressed her fingers into her temples “Why Gideon, why the hell would you do that?”

“Help yourself out please Join the FBI, you have this chance to change everything not many people get a second chance and even less have your strength Diana.” Her harsh gaze faltered, her mouth opening and then closing as if she was going to say something “Strauss will contact you soon.”

Diana nodded, her expression solemn as she took in the weight of his words. She knew she couldn't convince him to stay, couldn't erase the scars that still haunted him from years of hunting monsters in the darkest most depraved corners of humanity. But she also knew that while he believes it's her atonement that that sort of work is also how she ended up falling so far from grace.

"I still think you’re being thick.” She stated plainly, with a certain affection a single raised eyebrow.

“Promise you’ll answer that damn phone call.” He moves forward on his chair placing a warm hand on her exposed shoulder squeezing it tightly, his eyes glimmering with an indistinguishable emotion.

She sighed, almost groaning “I’ll think about it.” She says her eyes falling to the floor, her tone softer than ever.

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #fanfiction #aaron hotch fanfiction #spencer reid #penelope garcia #derek morgan #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #criminal minds fanfiction #david rossi #jason gideon #smut

[mllemaenad]

The Magnus Protocol: Saturday Night

Well, that went better than expected. I mean – there are implications, obviously, but so far everyone's limbs still seem attached, so that is a definite plus.

The meat of this thing, the case file, is interesting, because of how far it leans into a desire for publicity.

We have:

A forum post with a deliberately provocative and arguably supernatural image in First Shift

The tattoo artist who live streams the creation of an obviously supernatural tattoo in Making Adjustments

The crowd-drawing (and occasionally crowd-murdering) violin in Taking Notes

The surprisingly popular horror media review blog that has had all content removed except the posts that detail the author's ensnarement in a supernatural film viewing in Personal Screening

Needles actively reporting his crimes and harassing the emergency service operators in Introductions

The unnamed gambler character in Rolling with It feeling inspired to dress up and cause supernatural havoc in public by getting people to roll the dice

... And now Mr Bonzo

Pretty much everything about Mr Bonzo, really. This was a character that regularly appeared on television. While the situation evidently escalated, it is strongly implied that there was always something wrong with him, both by the fact that Nigel does not know where the name came from, and by Gotard Rimbaeu's disproportionate terror at encountering him. He had a chart-topping song that can still apparently be used to summon him. He has merchandise that is still being sold. And the thing is, he's still making the news:

Geraldine And how do you respond to the more recent rumours? Nigel (on guard) Excuse me? Geraldine The witness statements from three murders over the last five years- Nigel (speaking over her) I told your producer this wasn’t going to be discussed. Geraldine -that claim a person in a Mr Bonzo costume was at the scene? Do you think there could be a copycat? – The Magnus Protocol: Saturday Night

This bit here is clearly the point of this interview. The nostalgia and the laughter were all to lead Nigel into a trap: the big story here is that Mr Bonzo has been seen killing, and they want Nigel to comment on it.

I know this is a reference to a stunt on an actual British variety programme. I think it might even have aired at some point in Australia – but I must admit it wasn't something that was on my radar in the 90s. It's hard to be accurate about something from that long ago, but I don't think I ever saw it. I'm not completely sure how close this is to reality, but I think pretty close, barring the murders.

The point is, this is something that was obnoxiously popular in the real world ... and perhaps even more prominent here. Even if you're not aware of the cultural impact of this thing specifically – and like I say, this largely passed me by – you'll know how this kind of thing can spread. A novelty can consume the public consciousness. And if it's just a novelty – well, it might be annoying after a while, but no more than that. But if it's more than that?

In an odd way, all of this reminds me of Good Omens, and how the gone-native demon Crowley relates to his colleagues:

"I tied up every portable telephone system in Central London for forty-five minutes at lunchtime," he said. There was silence, except for the distant swishing of cars. "Yes?" said Hastur. "And then what?" "Look, it wasn't easy," said Crowley. "That's all?" said Ligur. "Look, people –" "And what exactly has that done to secure souls for our master?" said Hastur. Crowley pulled himself together. What could he tell them? That twenty thousand people got bloody furious? That you could hear the arteries clanging shut all across the city? And that then they went back and took it out on their secretaries or traffic wardens or whatever, and they took it out on other people? In all kinds of vindictive little ways which, and here was the good bit, they thought up themselves. For the rest of the day. The knock-on effects were incalculable. Thousands and thousands of souls all got a faint patina of tarnish, and you barely had to lift a finger. But you couldn't tell that to demons like Hastur and Ligur. Fourteenth century minds, the lot of them. Spending years picking a way at one soul. Admittedly it was craftmanship, but you had to think differently these days. Not big, but wide. With five billion people in the world you couldn't pick the buggers off one by one any more; you had to spread your effort. But demons like Ligur and Hastur. They'd never have thought up Welsh-language television, for example Or value-added tax. Or Manchester. He'd been particularly pleased with Manchester. – Good Omens, Corgi Edition, 1991. p.22-23. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

The Magnus Archives was about secret cults and esoteric knowledge. It was about old men and their devoted acolytes trying and failing, over and over, to summon their gods. It was John running into other avatars and getting laughed at, because he had the power and the doom, but he hadn't been properly initiated into the Mysteries, so he didn't know the proper terminology.

It was also about the dead-end job you couldn't quit, no matter how much you wanted to.

The Magnus Protocol is the dead-end job you could lose tomorrow. The apparent high turnover at the OIAR, whatever the hell went on with Karl the former IT guy, Teddy losing his new job immediately after he got it – and Mr Bonzo. Mr Bonzo is the job you lose the moment a new guy turns up:

Nigel Well, there was a different man in the suit, of course. There were a few of them over the years. It was very physically demanding and that wasn’t the only injury we had with it. It actually became a sort of ritual: the newest member of the production crew wore Mr Bonzo until someone else joined. – The Magnus Protocol: Saturday Night

And it's also about freaking out a lot of people in one go.

If I have any theory about this part, it's this: what if the core difference between universes is a desire to be known, and this is because of the way The Magnus Archives ended?

There have clearly been supernatural entities in this world for centuries, at least – otherwise whence came the cursed violin? But it's impossible to reasonably discuss whether these are native beings who have been exposed to something new via interdimensional travel, or whether they are the entities from The Magnus Archives and something about the nature of interdimensional travel means that now they have always been here.

But either way, what if the new thing these beings have is ... a taste, let's say, for the public stage.

The entities from The Magnus Archives were like Hastur and Ligur. They might spend years tormenting one soul, or stage a whole set piece for one guy and have to deal with him just not getting the effort they put in. There were rituals, yes, and they were of a larger scale – but still tended to be desperately secretive.

It was craftmanship, sure, but in terms of nourishment it made them scavengers. They had to catch a person alone, or in a moment of emotional vulnerability, to feed upon them.

Then, of course, the apocalypse happened. And for a while, all the world was their smorgasbord. It turned out that everyone could be afraid at the same time. And while those set pieces still existed, they could shove lots of humans into them at once and torment them all together.

But then:

Archivist Because for the Fears to spread into these new worlds, they would need to leave ours, wouldn’t they? Annabelle If one should leave this place for… greener pastures, the rest must follow. Archivist Leaving us behind in the process, freeing our world at the cost of others.Basira What are you saying? Archivist We can pass them our apocalypse. [MUFFLED DISCOMFITED REALISATION] Annabelle Nothing so extreme. In these new worlds they would exist as they used to in ours, lurking just beyond the threshold. – The Magnus Archives: Connected

That puts everybody back to square one. I'm not suggesting that these beings have a coherent plan for restarting the apocalypse – we might get there, but these are creatures of feeling, not thought, so if we do it will likely be a human plan. Rather, I mean, that they have the feeling that they like being known. It was good to eat well. It was good when everyone was afraid.

And that changes the model. Now they're Crowley, setting up the M25 to churn out a smidgeon of low-grade evil every time someone drives on it. The push is not to isolate someone and work on them, but rather to declare to the world "Here I am".

Several people wore the Mr Bonzo suit. Not for long, but they were all touched by it. Millions saw "Nigel's SOS" (that is on the nose) and – and this is called out specifically – Mr Bonzo was especially popular with children, even though the original joke seems to be geared more toward adults. And all of them then knew about the serial killings. People don't work at the OIAR for very long, at least not usually, but everyone who does is exposed to the horror stories.

It's not the equivalent of being a statement-giver in The Magnus Archives, exactly. You don't have some personally crafted nightmare that will stay with you forever. But you know there are things out there that can hurt you. You have reason to be afraid.

And the OIAR seems to be sending Mr Bonzo out to kill. Kill whom? And why? Don't know. But as I said: he's making the news. And before him there was Starkwall. And they also made the news. By committing a massacre.

In more meta terms, Mr Bonzo seems to fill a similar niche to Jane Prentiss. He's almost certainly going to be a problem, but is probably not the problem with the world. But more importantly the kind of thing he is teaches you something about how the world works.

And he has some interesting similarities: in both cases you seem to be looking at something parasitical. Jane was both seduced and consumed by her wasp nest; and while there was enough of her left to understand what was happening she was desperate for help.

Nigel seems to be Mr Bonzo's prisoner, with the comedy dungeon transforming into a more literal hostage situation. But he's also his livelihood, and his claim to fame.

Geraldine Yes, I was going to ask – Mr Bonzo merchandise is still on sale via your own website. Do you feel at all uneasy about that? Nigel About what? The fact that a few sales might be from people trying to be edgy? A man’s got to make a living, Geraldine, and it’s not like I can tell if someone’s buying a t-shirt ironically. Besides, people think of Nigel Dickerson and Mr Bonzo is never far behind so it’s not like its changing my reputation. In a lot of ways I’m more his prisoner now than I ever was on my show. – The Magnus Protocol: Saturday Night

Jane was a creature of almost pure tragedy: sure, she had problems prior to the wasp nest – that's why she was vulnerable to it – but her descent into monstrosity is marked largely by confusion and distress. Nigel seems actively complicit in spreading Mr Bonzo around, and he's defensive when someone suggests it's inappropriate.

I assume the "worm tracks" Sam and Alice find when investigating The Magnus Institute are at least an Easter egg, although whether they're relevant to any of the current happenings remains to be seen. Whatever brought the place down mostly spared the archivist's office, and that feels relevant.

The return of the tape recorder is interesting, though, because it doesn't fit the pattern of how listening in has worked in The Magnus Protocol. Tape recorders were an Archives thing. Supernatural events would only record on tape. If no tape recorders were available in a given setting, eventually one would just manifest itself.

The situation in The Magnus Protocol has been much more opportunistic: any device with a microphone will do. If you stayed away from microphones – a thing Colin has largely managed to do – it couldn't create one to record you. Of course, tape recorders weren't just popping into being this early in The Magnus Archives either, so I'm not suggesting this is some permanent rule. But Sam and Alice's phones are clearly available as options: the first bit of conversation comes from a phone. But once inside, something makes a tape recorder when it did not have to.

And the other noteworthy thing is, of course ... whatever crawls out of the trap door at the end. Mostly this one is a "put a pin in that for later" situation, because while it's clearly important there's not much you can do with it just yet.

But there are a couple of things.

The first point of interest there is that it pops up just as Sam is talking about not being chosen for something. So is this someone who was chosen?

The second is how the character is credited: [ERROR]. That looks very much how one might see something in an error log; something technological in nature.

Which suggests Colin is right: he should figure out what's up with the computers as quickly as possible.

#the magnus protocol #the magnus protocol spoilers #the magnus archives

[ellynneversweet]

Ok, so I’ve finished Normal People and I have ... thoughts. Mostly about whether it succeeds or fails as a text, and what the relative metrics are by which success should be judged (it’s succeeded in getting me to think about it, for sure). This got long and a bit ranty, and does discuss the mental illness aspects of the book, so I’ve put it below the cut. Spoilers etc.

I haven’t watched the show or read any of Sally Rooney’s other books (book?) or reviews yet, because I wanted to get down what I took away from the book by itself, rather than what other people thought about it. I did see the headline of like, one review that seemed to think it was all about capitalism, which struck me as a significant stretch as a primary theme, but hey. My take was that it was primarily concerned with (many and various) degrees of mental illness and unwellness experienced by various characters, the causes and effects thereof, etc etc, and it’s really because of that that I don’t know whether or not I actually liked the book.

Ultimately I think my ambivalence comes comes down to how the narration is structured, and the way Rooney doesn’t at any point step in explicitly prompt the audience in one direction or another.

So what took me a hot minute to realise was that the book’s written in a very close third person narration, alternating between Connell and Marianne’s perspectives.The thing is, however, that this close third person isn’t immediately obvious, because Rooney subverts the whole ‘show don’t tell’ advice. There’s a lot of phrasing given as ‘she felt good’ ‘he felt anxious’ ‘then they had sex’ etc.  The most personal aspects of the plot are constantly elided with this flat, clinical, definitive language that sounds almost like a witness statement in a criminal case. That’s especially the case with Marianne, who disassociates a lot, and slightly less so with Connell, who’s anxious, but the flat description is pretty present throughout. There are moments when the narrative dips into describing sensation, but that seems to occur only with regards to things that are irrelevant and impersonal, like drinking a glass of (insert carbonated beverage here), or feeling the breeze from an air conditioner. The book is all about this very intimate, arguably co-dependant and unhealthy relationship between these two intermittently sexually involved characters, so the aforementioned flatness struck me as an odd choice initially.

However. There’s two things that this does. The first, and IMO more significant, is that is creates an illusion of the narrative voice as omniscient and impartial, rather than biased and unreliable as it actually is. The seeming authority of the definitive statements in the narrative is emphasised by the stock filler phrases that the each of the dual protagonists uses in direct dialogue, and which inevitably mean the opposite of what’s actually said — in the case of Marianne we get ‘okay’ (I disagree but I want this conversation to end) and ‘I don’t know’ (i believe this to be profoundly true but it makes me unhappy), and in the case of Connell we get ‘obviously’ (I’m not sure at all, what do you think?). So the upshot of this is that especially in the earlier parts of the novel the audience is led into thinking the description of a particular plot point is what objectively happened, rather than the biased viewpoint of one of two people who keep talking past each other (I’m thinking particularly of the part in which Connell moves home because he can’t make rent, and each of them was waiting for the other to propose his moving into her flat instead).

So it is really interesting on that level of language structure. I do feel that the section headings (‘two weeks later,’ ‘six months later,’ ‘five minutes later’) were a bit of a red herring — especially towards the climax of the book, when things became violent, I was frankly expecting it to take a schlocky turn towards one or both of the main characters being maimed or killed in a domestic violence and/or drunk driving accident, à la Jodi Piccoult.

It didn’t, which was a relief, but I didn’t subsequently find the ending satisfying, and I think that’s because the way that it ended — a breakup that’s not really a breakup, just a breather — felt like something that had occurred at least three or four times already in the text. It’s always tricky to write a satisfying ending when all the main characters are alive and young and (presumably) going to continue their lives. Why stop the narrative here, rather than there? I think for that sort of ending to work, a story does need to feel like it’s shifting into a different stage of the characters’ lives, one that can be inferred, however dimly, but is distinct enough from the part described in the text to form a natural break. This didn’t feel like a break from what had gone before. It felt like a groove in an emotional cycle that had already been repeated, that had been shown as being repeated, that gave every sign of being repeated again and again, forever and ever amen.

This leads into the part where I talk about what I didn’t like, fyi, and fair warning, mostly what I didn’t like was the characterisation of Marianne. Sorry if she’s your fave.

So Marianne gets the last word of the narrative, in which she thinks about how ‘they’ve [Marianne and Connell] been so good for each other’. And i would argue two things, which is that 1) unreliable narrator or not, this being the last part of the text gives weight to this being read as a true statement 2) this is, uh, pretty clearly not the case. Marianne’s still fundamentally the same, teetering on the edge of self-destruction, and Connell is still anxious (and being made more so by Marianne’s reaction to his small successes).

Now, neither character is perfect. They’re also not bad people -- but they are struggling people who use maladaptive coping strategies and don’t ever really appear to move past those.

At first glance, on a scale of quantifying unhappiness, Marianne gets the raw end of the stick. She’s a character who’s sympathetic and pitiable, because she starts out as the smart, bullied kid who turns out to have an abusive home life and who is brutally dumped by her first boyfriend. So far, so sad. Connell, by contrast, is much less upfront about the things that cause him trouble (although they’re very much there) and has the initial upper hand. Connell also comes off as much more self-aware than Marianne — the part where he’s lying on the floor in a post-shower depression slump reminds me of that piece that goes around tumblr occasionally, about lying on the floor sobbing about the state of the world, and simultaneously noticing that the last time you painted, you didn’t do a good job with the brushwork in the corner you’re looking at, and thinking about how you should re-do it once you finish crying.

But the thing I can’t get my head around with Marianne is how Rooney feels about her, and it boils down to this: what level of awareness and intentionality is Rooney operating at when writing about Marianne’s mental health arc? Does Rooney agree with Marianne’s self-assessment of herself as ‘better’ and ‘normal’ (ie still acting in more or less the same way as she did throughout the text, but no longer a subject of gossip) at the end of the book, or does she not?

As I mentioned, I haven’t seen the adaptation, but I’ve seen a gif or two, and what struck me as I was reading was that the way that Marianne is described as looking (and styled in the show) is reminiscent of the pop-culture caricature of Sylvia Plath — increasingly thin, indie-fashionista, bangs, statement lipstick, weird but precociously brilliant, magnetic, male muse and male victim, mentally ill in a way that is complex but always sexy and sexualised (of course she developed a cute, posh eating disorder that involved eating half an expensive sugary pastry and a sugarless black coffee every day. Of course she did).

Basically, what I want to know is, is Marianne someone Rooney wrote based on that image of Plath, or is Marianne someone cosplaying as that image of Plath, whom Rooney is consciously deconstructing?

See, I think writing Marianne as someone (possibly unintentionally) cosplaying Plath is interesting. The myth of the hot, damaged girl is pretty pervasive (Harley Quinn, the suicide girls, etc etc) and writing Marianne as a character who has legitimate issues that she has trouble facing, who then instead focuses her self-awareness into this trope of ‘acceptably damaged’ has potential. I feel like there’s an opportunity there to examine the line between struggling with a mental illness vs self-consciously performing that struggle in a way that’s socially acceptable, which is a topic that suits the period when the novel’s set.

Unfortunately though, I think Rooney is probably buying into that myth rather than  examining it, because the fact that no-one, in a book that starts in 2011 ever sits Marianne down and goes, ‘yes, I get that people have told you you’re mentally unwell as a tactic to bully you, and that was shitty, but you pretty clearly have a raging case of ptsd which is NOT YOUR FAULT, please accept some help’ — that is frankly hard to believe. Not Connell who seeks out therapy and takes some dubiously successful medication? Not Joanna, who is by all accounts well adjusted and who makes a point of caring in a friendship where she’s doing a lot the heavy lifting? Not Lorraine, parent of the decade? Not some random teacher or professor, looking out for an obviously promising student?  Really, no one?

Marianne is supposedly brilliant and a tireless researcher, but she apparently never becomes aware of the possibility that there might be ways to process her past experiences in a way that would allow her some measure of peace. Never wants it, even in the worst of times. Never ceases to wallow in her own unhappiness. And it’s relevant, I think, that in the period of the novel where Marianne is (kind of) happy, when she’s making a success of things at uni, the focus of the book is on how she’s making Connell jealous by dating an abusive man. The closes she comes to self-awareness is recognising her proclivity to seek out unhealthy relationships and decide to lean into that, in what is consistently the least unhealthy romantic relationship she has. That feels like a cop-out.

Like, I’m not suggesting that every story that features mental illness as a theme needs to show recovery. That’s, unfortunately, not always the case. Some people never get better. Some people can’t bring themselves to believe in the possibility of getting better. It’s not even the case that recovery is a straight line, when it happens. I know that. I’ve seen people I care about it struggle with a whole range of problems, I’ve struggled myself. But this felt like 13 Reasons Why for adults, like depression-porn, and I just...am a bit angry, I think, that I can’t tell if that was the intention, it that wasn’t the intention but was the outcome, or if that’s just my take and I’ve misread the thing entirely.

Obviously people can write whatever they want in fiction, but I do think that when you’re dealing with a topic that has impacted a lot of people, that’s been poorly handed in fiction in the past, you do have a responsibility to treat it sensitive and thoughtfully, and not glamorise something that is ultimately destructive under the guise of ‘this is interesting and cool, and a good way to treat yourself and others, actually.’ And I don’t know if that’s the case here.

#textual analysis I guess #ranting about writing #normal people #i'm aware there are five thousand 'i' statements here #but I can't be bothered going back to remove them

[morganaspendragonss]

so so many thanks to everyone who read even one of these stories. i am forever grateful for all the support i've received; every comment, every kudos, every reblog, every like - they all mean so much. i'm overwhelmed, honestly, but in the very best way. ily all 🥰

day one: against all odds (we're still here) for @trkstrnd

Carlos will hate himself for it later, but he’s so focused on his task that the screech of tires coming around the corner barely registers as a blip on his radar. He doesn’t notice anything until TK suddenly barrels into him, throwing Carlos to the side just before something else, something heavy, crashes into them with a blinding flash of pain, and then—

Nothing.

*

a simple trip to the grocery store quickly turns to disaster for tk and carlos

day two: out, damned spot for anon

TK wakes up gasping, choking on air. The sheets are suffocating him and, when he tries to free himself, they only seem to get tighter. The hands reaching out for him, trying to calm him, are the final straw; TK throws himself from bed and sprints to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him as he collapses against the sink.

On some level, he is aware that the hands were Carlos’s, that the sheets were theirs, that his hands are clean, and that the dream was just a dream.

But they weren't always that way.

day three: the meetings for those in my wake for @freddieholic

For years after the divorce, Gwyn came to learn that any call from Owen was almost certainly bad news, and almost always about their son. Things have been better in the three years since her time in Texas, which is why she thinks nothing of it when he calls just after she’s put Isaac to bed for the night.

“Owen, hey,” she greets. “What’s up?”

The silence she’s answered with is the first sign that something’s wrong.

The sob that follows is the second.

“Gwyn, it’s TK. He's... They think we should say goodbye."

day four: a friend in me for 📍 anon

Carlos has come to see Nancy as a force of nature, a woman who will let nothing and no-one stand in her way, whether that’s out on the field or during a game of Monopoly. But, right now, as she sits hunched over in one of the interrogation rooms, shock blanket around her shoulders, he's never seen her look so small.

or

the story of how nancy and carlos become the new champions of 126 games nights

day five: truth is heavier than fiction for anon

Carlos pauses with his hand on the doorknob, taking a moment to prepare himself before going inside. TK’s shift finished an hour ago and he’d texted to let Carlos know he was home, which means Carlos is going to be walking right into a conversation he’d rather avoid.

Not that he’d have much choice either way; he might be able to cover his cracked and bruised ribs for a little while, but the arm in a sling will tell on him as soon as the door opens. Carlos doesn’t want to hide his injuries—they’ve had enough conversations in reverse on that theme to make him a hypocrite if he did—but he may have made some choices that he doesn’t particularly want to go into right now. Not while he’s tired and aching and just wants to cuddle with his boyfriend.

He blows out a breath, then opens the door, bracing himself for TK’s reaction.

“Hey— Shit!”

day six: slowly, and then all at once for @pragmaticoptimist34

The realisation that he loves Carlos hits him like a bolt out of the blue.

And at the worst possible moment.

We are getting updates on the active shooter situation at the Four Seasons Hotel. Austin Police Department have closed off the area and officers are currently preparing to enter the building to detain the suspect. It is as yet unknown if there have been any civilian casualties, but—

“Paul, turn the damn TV back on.”

“No.”

*

five times tk can't admit his feelings about carlos, and one time he finally does

day seven: the promise of tomorrow for anon

Up until five minutes ago, Carlos had been terrified of never having TK in his arms again. Now, the thought of letting him go scares him just as much, and TK seems to feel the same, if the way he’s clutching at Carlos’s jacket and pulling it tight across his back is any indication.

Carlos hugs him close, sinking down to his knees as TK falls into the chair behind him, letting the rest of the room fade away to nothing as he realises that they weren’t too late—that TK is here, with him, alive and mostly whole.

day eight: we'll hold each other soon for @221bsunsettowers

“Be careful, please,” TK said, smoothing down the lapels of Carlos’s shirt. “Whatever happens out there, whatever you have to do, just promise me one thing. Promise you’ll come back to me.”

Carlos knew better than to promise something like that, and TK knew better than to ask it. But because it was him, and because it was TK, Carlos just nodded and leaned in to press a kiss to TK’s temple.

“I promise,” he whispered, pulling away.

It's the last good memory Carlos has, and he's going to hold onto it for as long as he has left. If he's going to die, then the last thing he wants to see is TK's smile.

day nine: now i am just but the wayward man for anon

Ben is glaring at him again.

Klaus is very familiar with this specific glare—it’s the one Ben breaks out when Klaus is being ‘stubborn’ and ‘stupid’ and ‘a fucking asshole junkie with no self-respect who only cares about the next high and, really, it’s a fucking miracle you haven’t gotten yourself killed yet, Klaus’.

He has to hand it to him. Ben really does have him down to a tee.

*

winter is approaching and klaus has nowhere to go. his siblings are his only option—meaning he effectively has no options.

day ten: i can't imagine my life without you for 📍 anon

It had come completely out of left field—one minute everything was fine, the next Carlos had turned to him with guarded eyes and a clenched jaw, and said six words that sent TK’s whole world crashing down.

“I think we need a break.”

*

nobody likes to be asked 'trouble in paradise?', particularly when the answer is yes.

day eleven: start again from the beginning for anon

Owen trusts his son. He’s watched TK fight his addiction and stay sober for the last six years, and he has faith that he can handle himself.

But when TK doesn’t show up for work the night after proposing to Alex, Owen knows that something is wrong. After all, they've been here before.

day twelve: let me love you when your heart is tired for anon

TK knows it’s going to be a bad day from the moment he opens his eyes. Slowly, slowly, each twitch like he’s moving mountains, he inches his hand blindly across the bed to reach out for Carlos. If he can just feel his boyfriend, if he can just see him—

But, of course. Carlos has a shift today. TK has a vague recollection of him getting out of bed at five this morning, rousing him with a shift to the mattress and a gentle kiss on the forehead.

If this were a normal day, he might smile at the memory.

day thirteen: couldn't utter my love when it counted for 📍 anon

TK takes his time in the bathroom, stopping to stare at his reflection in the mirror for several minutes and trying to talk himself down from any more-than-friendly feelings towards Carlos.

Later, they’ll tell him that this saved his life.

But that won’t be for a long time, until after the smoke has cleared and the dead have been counted and the statements have been taken. For now, TK steels his resolve and nods at himself, then turns to the door, a hand reaching out for the handle.

That’s when the explosion rips through the building.

*

after the boba date, tk lets carlos go. they're friends, which is working just fine, until a horrific accident threatens to take even that away from them.

day fourteen: if i walk out the door (a thousand eyes) for anon

TK gets this feeling sometimes, a sort of prickling at his back, like someone’s behind him, breathing down his neck. At first, it was only a once-in-a-while situation, so he thinks nothing of it; when it becomes an everyday occurrence, he starts to wonder, but he’s probably just being paranoid. The shooting, kidnapping, firehouse explosion, and the fire at his and Carlos’s house had all taken their toll, and TK’s just generally more on edge these days.

He doesn’t tell anyone about the feeling, not even Carlos. There’s no reason to fuck up everyone else’s peace with something so stupid. It’ll go away eventually; TK’s sure of it.

That is, until one of the lots just down from the firehouse gets occupied.

day fifteen: find you here inside the dark for @fanfic-corner

Yaz has walked this room too many times to count now; she’s traced her fingertips over the walls, searching for any cracks or crevices to indicate where there might be a door.

If the Doctor were here, she’d have her sonic out by now, spitting out words, only half of which Yaz could understand. She’d find a way out in no time. Or, if not, at least she’d be here. Talking a mile a minute, probably annoying the hell out of their captors. Yaz can almost hear her now—

Wait.

She can hear her now.

day sixteen: accidents happen for @ilovemosss

So, Jason reflects, it may not have been the best idea to take Pythagoras out training while they’re all suffering from a severe lack of sleep. Being the more logical of them, Pythagoras, to his credit, had attempted to talk him out of it, but Jason ignored him.

He very much regrets that decision now.

day seventeen: you and me (moving through this world as a two-man team) for @laelipoo

TK does not have a crush on the 126's latest hire.

Carlos Reyes: an Austin local, an incredible firefighter, and—objectively speaking—the most beautiful man TK has ever laid eyes on. Which is, in fact, the entire point; TK has eyes and, yes, he will use them to sneak a look or two when he’s suddenly sharing space with a man who looks like a Greek god.

That does not mean he has a crush, Paul.

(and, sure, maybe he does sometimes dream about how soft Carlos’s lips look and the little blush he gets when he laughs and those little flecks of gold in his eyes, but he’s only human)

(how TK knows about the gold in Carlos’s eyes is none of anybody’s business)

day eighteen: in perfect harmony for @anyotherheartwilldo

Here’s the thing—Carlos doesn’t believe in signs. He used to when he was younger, raised on his abuela’s stories, but as he’d gotten older his father had taught him that what mattered was the choices he made. He’s the only one who has a say in the way his life turns out, and if he wants something, he has to put in the work to get it.

But there comes a point—namely, after his fifth thwarted attempt to propose to TK—when he begins to wonder if the universe really does have something against him.

*

proposing to tk proves far more complicated than carlos had first thought.

day nineteen: whatever here that's left of me (is yours) for anon

“Are you…” TK leans closer, peering at the hoodie Carlos is wearing, and—yep. “Why are you wearing my hoodie? Was there nothing in your size from the crew? You should have said something. We can fix this, you don’t need to be uncomfortable.”

There’s a beat, and then Carlos, studiously avoiding TK’s gaze, clears his throat. “It smells like you.”

*

post-2.12, carlos finds comfort in tk's hoodies.

day twenty: can't smile without you for anon

Carlos would be lying to himself if the possibility hadn’t occurred to him before. He has always worried for TK’s safety, and the knowledge that a serial killer is on the loose in Austin has sent that worry skyrocketing. Especially because he’s the lead detective on the case; he’s spent hours poring over horrific crime scenes, examining all the facts until they’re burned into his brain.

Admittedly, the killers seem to be mostly indiscriminate in who they take, meaning the chances of it being TK are slim.

But there’s still a chance.

*

a before, during, and after of tk's kidnapping in a hole where your memory goes

day twenty-one: lately you've been searching for a darker place to hide for @freddieholic

“Can I ask you something else?”

TK stiffens at the sound of Mateo’s voice, a nervous note to it that wasn’t there last time. Something tells him he knows exactly what Mateo wants to ask; still, he turns to lean against the counter, crossing his arms as casually as he can manage. “Sure.”

“Are you…” Mateo trails off, biting his lip and avoiding TK’s gaze. “I mean, do you… I mean—”

“You can say it, you know,” he interrupts, not unkindly. “If you want to know if I’m thinking about heading out and getting high, then just ask.”

*

five times tk turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms when he wants to use + one time he finally asks for help

day twenty-two: know me crazy, soothe me daily for anon

It had freaked Carlos out the first time it happened.

“It was a seizure,” TK explained, after Carlos had finished telling him about it. TK had been disoriented and confused for about ten minutes after, and couldn’t even remember half of their earlier conversation. “I… It’s because of the drugs. They fucked something up in my brain, especially after my first overdose, and now I get seizures occasionally."

*

in which carlos gets a little over-protective and tk is mildly exasperated

day twenty-three: lover, be good to me for anon

Carlos holds his arms out, and TK comes willingly, setting what Carlos now recognises as a tray of food carefully on the bed. “What’s this?”

TK stares as if it’s obvious. “Date night.”

“What?”

TK pauses, then gasps. “You’re right.” He pats himself down frantically, then pulls an object out of his pocket with a dramatic flourish. It’s a little electric tea light—real candles long since banned from the bedroom—and Carlos watches in bemusement as TK flicks it on and sets it down on the tray. “Now it’s date night.”

*

his fiancé being bed-bound isn't going to keep tk from date night

day twenty-four: bring you in from the cold for anon

As a cop, Carlos has always been uncomfortably aware of his own mortality. He’s considered his own death more than is probably healthy, but when you’re facing down the barrel of a gun almost every single day, it’s kind of forced on you.

He’s imagined himself being shot, stabbed, strangled, and everything in between.

But he’s not sure he ever pictured dying in a walk-in freezer after getting trapped there by mistake.

day twenty-five: heaving through corrupted lungs for anon

TK is itching to go home and check on Carlos, to make sure he’s still breathing and actually resting like he’s supposed to be. On the other hand, Carlos would probably kill him if he left work, illness be damned. It’s just… Carlos had looked so ill that morning, skin ashen and voice all but gone, and it had taken a lot of convincing for TK to still go to his own shift. He’d insisted on making sure Carlos had all the blankets and water and snacks and anything else he could possibly want, but even so, he’s still uneasy.

His gut is telling him that something’s wrong, and TK doesn’t think he can ignore it for much longer.

*

when carlos falls ill, they think it's just a bad cold. but when tk goes to check on him, he's in for a nasty shock.

day twenty-six: slowly becoming lovers for @pragmaticoptimist34

Things don’t get fixed overnight. They agree to give them a shot, but that doesn’t change the fact that TK is still reeling from his break-up and overdose, nor that Carlos is still hesitant and afraid of pushing too hard at once.

But, slowly, they get to know each other. And, slowly, they start to fall in love.

*

tk and carlos, getting to know each other and falling in love

day twenty-seven: and curse the gods for @girlwhowasntthere

Jason knows what it is to be cursed.

day twenty-eight: ignoring every warning for @moviegeek03

TK is fine.

He is absolutely, 100% fine.

And, sure, maybe he’s not supposed to be at work right now, and maybe his hand hasn’t fully healed yet, but it’s nothing. His doctor cleared him to go back to work, which means it’s healed enough, and TK is certainly not going to admit defeat no matter how much he's hurting.

day twenty-nine: can you beat back the night? for @girlwhowasntthere

He misses the bard. Geralt won’t admit it, not even to Roach, but he misses him. After months—years—of Jaskier’s constant chatter and the sound of his lute, the silence, once valued above all else, is too much.

It’s been months since the dragon, since Geralt lost both Yennefer and Jaskier in one fell swoop. He’s cursed himself many times over for the words he said—to both of them—and cursed himself more for the mistakes he made to get in this position in the first place.

*

this is the lot of witchers, to be alone.

day thirty: ease my mind for @silvarafael

Briefly, Carlos considers calling TK and telling him about the accident. But… He only broke two of his fingers and it barely even classifies as a minor injury in his book, so there’s really no reason to bother his fiancé while he’s still on shift himself. He pockets his phone then looks around to figure out where the exit is.

Only, an all-too familiar laugh distracts him from his task, drawing his attention to the nurses station.

Where TK is standing, smiling as a nurse swats at him for stealing one of their lollipops.

Carlos is, beyond doubt, fucked.

day thirty-one: scars turn to memories for anon

Their front door is open. It’s wide open, and the wood of the door frame is broken, splinters littering the driveway and the floor of the front room. TK’s heart stops in his chest as he surveys the scene, his brain going blank, struggling to comprehend what he’s seeing.

Everything is quiet in the front room, not even a table setting out of place. TK creeps further into their home, his every nerve on edge as he barely breathes for fear of alerting whoever’s here of his presence.

And then, he remembers.

Carlos was off shift tonight. He was here. Alone.

#masterlist #holly's august extravaganza #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing

[yoursinfulurges]

Toxin and Venom

Slight Dark!Peter Parker x Dark!Reader

Description:

In which a seemingly loving relationship appears greater than it is...

There was something rather terrible about this young man's naive exterior. Though nobody could pinpoint where exactly the dreadfulness laid. His eyes shined a little too brightly, and his words were coated in thick sugar, enough to appear disingenuous to the skillfully trained ears. But there hidden behind is smile concealed the sinister morals of a true manipulator.

Oh' but she was no better herself, twisting words to favour her narrative. Playing as if she was nothing more than a meek little prey.

Warnings: pure angst with an underlining layer of toxicity.

Disclaimer: This is a REWRITE of one of my old stories dated back to a year ago, so if it sounds familiar that is why. This story was originally written for Jung Jaehyun from NCT but seeing as though I've fallen out of love with kpop at the moment, I wanted to repurpose it for my new followers that I've harbored since The Venom Within, as I'm very proud of the way it was written and concluded that I wanted to share with you all. I did improve and change quite a lot so you won't be reading the exact same story and I decided to add a twist to it.

Note: This is more so a college au so the fact that Peter is Spiderman is insignificant...

Word Count: 4.k

_____________

Your boyfriend, Peter, had always been the most kind and caring person you knew. Ever since you met him, and even after months of dating, he still acted like the bashful, kind Disney prince you took him for. Only treating you with nothing but respect and admiration; you often wondered if this boy was even capable of making an insult, or had a bad bone in his body. Fore he acts way too nice and sweet for his own good. Controlling at times but it was with all good intentions...

Originally, you thought the kind gestures and lovely sweet talking was his way of subtly flirting, but after years of dating him, you came to the realization that it was just simply him. Peter didn't need to pretend to be kind and sweet like other guys; given that it was like second nature for him. You loved the boy to death. He showered you with so much love, spoiled you with affection. Treated you like his queen; His shining jewel. Out of the two years that you'd been together, not once has he wronged you.

    That is, up until this exact moment...

You stand there in the middle of the kitchen, tears streaming down your cheeks. At this point you had stopped listening to what he was saying. In fear that if you continued to listen to his harsh words, more of your love would begin to fleet away, and you couldn't afford to lose any more. Despite of all your excessive yelling, you loved Peter. And he meant so much to you. But seeing him in this state, angry and hostile, attacking you viciously with his words, you began to question your future with him.

You couldn't quite fathom what brought on this newfound aggression in your relationship. Though, you had a slight seeking suspicion that it was from all the post-exam stress you both had to endure. Weeks upon weeks of studying and sleepless nights finally took its toll on the both of you. Thus bringing you to this exact moment in time. The once loving home corrupted by the harsh spoken words that fell from both of your lips. Anger and aggression filling the room, space welcoming the negativity with open arms. You had both tainted it...

That was not the boy you fell in love with, but instead somebody meaner, a-kind to venom...

Then again, you weren't a saint yourself either, words you wouldn't have ever thought of saying spilled out of your mouth like toxin. You needed to do something fast to mend your relationship back together...

The mere thought of breaking up with the man hurts you so dearly. You just wanted your loving boyfriend back from what ever abyss he dissapeared off to. Typically your fights never lasted this long, but this one proved to be quite challenging. You just wanted him to stop yelling. But in fear of the unthinkable outcome of your protest, you kept shut and held onto the remaining pieces of your heart. You knew for a fact that Peter would never dear to lay a hand on you, so you tried very desperately to push those thoughts aside. However, his following statements made both tasks very difficult. It was as if he was challenging your composure. Like he wanted the flood gates broken.

Like he wanted you to cave in to the malicious voice whispering in your ear...

His words could've very well be from all the stress, ..or pent up insults and remarks that he'd been silently keeping in. You had no way of telling. You prayed and hoped that it was the first one rather than the assuming latter. Because maybe then, you would consider forgiving him. Even though the words punctured you like bullets, penetrating your inner layers and hurting you in more ways than one. This was not your Peter... You questioned the morals behind his words, were they intended to hurt you, or was it just in the heat of the moment. Regardless, you knew that his words would be something that lingered on forever in your head.

"I don't even know why I stayed this long with you, honestly! What do I even see in you! Stop being so unreasonable! You're easily replaceable, so i don't see why you're acting so high and mighty. News flash y/n, i could do a lot better!"

         And there it was...

His current state and demeanor rivalled that of which the one you used to know. The soft spoken, kind, sweet, shy Peter. The one that still plays with legos despite being nineteen years old. You'd give anything to have him back...

You always knew that Peter could do better, but hearing this from him was a lot different than you saying it to yourself in your head. Before you had started dating you knew he had a chance with Michelle. She was a very pretty girl that went to your university, she was also Peter's chem partner... Michelle was nice, smart, and talented. You were very aware of the little 'thing' they had going on. So to your surprise, when you heard rumors of a certain Peter Parker, looking to ask you out, you almost didn't believe. Hell, you laughed straight into Brad's face and told him he was delusional. If only a hesitant, blush faced Peter wasn't stood right behind you to prove you wrong.

Ever since that day, you questioned Peter's choice. Why did he choose you, when he could've had a chance with Michelle? Someone he was more compatible with... You figured that he saw something special in you that nobody else did. Though, his previous statement proves you wrong and tells you that he doesn't even know why he gave you a chance. You're at a drift, not knowing where this relationship is headed, or where to stand. Knowing that you were replaceable to Peter weakens you. Were you really that insignificant to him? Were you a chore to be around? If so then why did he stay for two years? All these questions ran through your mind as you're frozen in a state of shock. How do you follow such a thing?

You stand silently, wails threatening to break free from your lips, as you shake. Instantly covering your mouth with your palm. You watch as he screamed at you more, words blocked out by the ringing in your ears. Truthfully, you were glad you couldn't hear his words, not knowing how to reciprocate to any more of his personal attacks.

The familiar feeling of despair began to conjure in the pit of your stomach. The tightness in your chest began to focus on your beating heart, constricting you like a boa preying on its meal. Everything around you became a hazy blur as the non stop ringing became more prominent. The cause being your angry boyfriend and his heart-wrenching words. Jolts of anxiety began to climb up from your figure tips, like a thousand spiders crawling on your skin. A feeling you know all too well crept up from behind you. You were beginning to feel frantic and scared, as your breathing became unstable.

You were becoming erratic, desperate to end the fight and be in his arms again.

"What!? Huh, not gonna clap back with some snarky remark. Admit it, you know im right!"

Peter's face was a striking shade of scarlet while he paced back and forth, hands finding themselves tangled in his hair as he mumbled inaudible words. His hair, you remember running your hands through his curly, brown locks this morning when you woke up. Oh, how happy and blissful you both were twelve hours prior to this moment. You both were so content and hopeful with the prospect of your relationship. Being able to finally spend time with each other after a stressful week. Originally, you had planned a date night with Peter. But things began to make a turn for the worse when he began to insult every little thing you did. Now here you were, an hour and forty-five minutes late for your reservations.

A taste for bitterness began to fill your mouth, as your insides churned. Waves of sadness and despair hit you like a tsunami. You suddenly couldn't stand the thought of staying in the same room as Peter. Let alone sleeping in one. Fore his words had impacted you like an arrow through the heart. You felt sick, disgusted, vulnerable, and above all else, hurt.

"God, you're such a fucking bitch sometimes!" Peter spat, but soon after stopped, noticing your sudden change in demeanor. Your once, fuming and aggressive facade was replaced with a much more subdued, fragile, hurt exterior, mirroring how you felt inside. You had given up. The bandage that held your heart together snapped.

You looked up at him, hurt written all over your face. Instantly, Peter rushed your way. He wanted to wrap his arms around you, apologize for calling you a bitch. But stopped when you held your hand out and shook your head, a sob erupting from your mouth. Suddenly, all the hurtful things Peter said rang through his own head.

Oh...

Shit!

"Baby, I-" He started, not knowing how to follow. His mouth suddenly became dry, letting out a sigh of regret. Voice coming out weak and pained. His chest tightening at the sight of what he has done to you. No no no no no no.... Peter knew you weren't the type to forgive and forget. Even if you both manage to somehow recover from this, he knew that his words would always be in your head. You would constantly doubt yourself and his transparency, thinking if it was all an act.

Regret began to eat away at him once again when he noticed your uneven breathing. Another punch in his gut when he took note of your shaking. Peter's eyes quickly darted to yours, his heart breaking when he saw the amount of fear in them. He was uncertain if you were scared of him or your emotions. He wanted it to be the second one. Peter never wanted you to see him in that light. Yet here you were, having an anxiety attack because of him...

He knew that feeling all too well, having suffered from anxiety of his own, but the fact that he was the one to force you into that state shattered him..

"Don't call me that...." You spat coldy, backing away slowly into your shared bedroom. Making sure he didn't follow and locking the door. Once in the cozy room, you sob like la llorona conveying grief. You couldn't bear to see all the happy pictures of you two, when he said so himself, you're nothing special to him. Without thinking, you began to rip off every Polaroid, framed pictures, and drawings from the walls. Not caring of ripping them. You threw them all on the floor. Your vision becoming clouded by tears as you sob. Ruining the white fabric of your oversized sweater with your makeup contaminated tears.

Your body halts, the last remaining picture was of the both of you on your first date. You always considered that day as the happiest moment of your life. But now knowing that you're just a pit stop in Peter's life, the memory manifests into something much darker than obsidian.

You inhale as you looked at the picture one more time. It was you kissing Peter on the cheek. He donned a beautiful cheshire smile, his freckles displaying proudly under the sunlight. He wore a red, hooded sweatshirt with his hero, Iron man's logo depicted on the top right corner. You always love it when he wore sweaters, especially that one. You remembered every emotion you felt as the picture was being taken. Even if you didn't, your expression held it all. You radiated happiness as the butterflies in your stomach became restless. You were so happy...

You sob lightly, your thumb caressing his face as you looked fondly at the picture. Suddenly, words that fell from his mouth earlier replayed in your head. He had purposely attacked your deepest insecurities. Jabbed and taunted you. The Peter you knew would never result to something so cruel and petty. Without putting much thought into it, you began to take the picture out of its frame.

Your ears perking up when you hear the familiar sound of the lock being picked. The jiggling of the doorknob was something you grew accustomed to. Having locked yourselves out of the bedroom on more than one occasion....

Taking one final breath, you rip the picture in two and retreated into the master bathroom. Once the door was slammed shut and locked, all hell broke loose. As if it couldn't have gotten worse alright. Your wails grew louder and more repetitive that you were being to sound like a banshee, mourning for her decaying heart. Eventually, you found yourself curled up in the bathtub, suppressing your cries into your knees as you lowered your head.

Peter finally succeeds in picking the lock, after what seemed like hours, and once he creaked opened the door of your shared bedroom, his heart broke in two. Parts of him began to deteriorate, he wished he had never said those hurtful things. He felt numb and out of touch with reality, sensing his anxiety looming over his shoulder. Peter knew that one of your biggest insecurities was never meaning much to somebody. And that weren't fond of feeling worthless and neglected. He knew your background and upbringing well enough to know just how much you disliked being treated as such.

All he wanted to do was hold you in his arms and kiss your tears away. A pool of sadness brimmed his eyes as he evaluates the damage. From one corner of the room to the other, pictures were left scattered and discarded. The framed drawings of him that you illustrated, sat on the floor of your bedroom, frame cracked and shattered. The Polaroids he held ever so dearly to his heart, littered the bed and floor. He broke down in tears when he sees the torn picture of you both.

How could you vandalize such a treasured memory. But then again, how could he hurt the most precious thing in his life. Seeing the picture ripped apart like this, he knew that somehow he affected your perspective on this whole relationship. His previous words had tainted such beloved memories, and twisted them to seem like nothing more than a one-sided love. He made you question whether he truly loved you or not. Suddenly the realization kicked in, and it kicked in hard. A tsunami of guilt and regret pierced through is heart. His insides churned and it suddenly became very hard to breathe. He suddenly became really aware of how dire this situation was. His following actions may break your relationship if he didn't act wisely.

Peter bends down to hold your piece of the puzzle, a river flow of heart ache cascading down his cheeks, wetting the captured image of you. Your sobs, which had begun to sound like cries of help, due to lack of air, rang threw Peter's ears. Suddenly he grew extremely concerned and rushed to the door, dropping your image.

Immediately, you stop when you heard soft knocks coming from the other end of the door, which was soon followed by cries and sniffling sounds.

"Baby, open the door!" You don't comply with his words and stayed seated in your place, hugging your knees tighter.

"W-what are you gonna do if i don't? Pick the lock and violate my privacy! Just go away P-peter! W-why don't you go find another girl to replace me, because apparently, i-i mean nothing to you!" Screaming at the inanimate door, or more so the person behind it, as you let out a cut short wail. You hated yourself for how weak and broken you sounded. Wishing, you could drown out his stupid words that had already engraved itself deep in your brain.

"Y-you said s-so yourself! I'm easily replaceable! I-if i had known that this relationship was just gonna be one sided then i would've never wasted my time!" Apparent in your tone and words how truly distraught you were, Peter cried harder, cold sweats engulfing his body. He winced at the thought of how broken you were. It only lead him to wonder, what exactly happened and what brought on this fight. Sounding more so a statement rather than a question in his head.

He parted his lips softly, a small whimpering sigh rolling off his tongue.

"Please y/n, just open the door. I-i just want to see you. Please... I-I need to know that you're okay...." his words laced with mixed emotions, such as sorrow and remorse. Despite his current emotional state, Peter's stature looked anything else but composed. God, he was freaking out..

Incoherently mumbling a soft 'please' as he laid his forehead onto the wood door. His hand resting above his head, fist balled tightly, as if ready to start pounding. He was desperate, eyes screwing shut tightly causing a flow of tears to glide down his cheeks. Peter's jaw clenched tightly in frustration, as he beat himself over and over again for saying such things.

After much hesitance, you stood up and made your way to the door. Peter hears the small shuffle and quickly straightens himself out. After seconds of hovering your hand over the knob, you twist it open, instantly unlocking itself and setting free all the pent up emotions. You crack open the door, almost immediately, Peter rushes in and hugs you.

You don't return the hug, silently stiffening in his arms. At that moment, the last few bits of composure you had built back up snaps loose. You become a crying mess in Peter's arms. Feelings of unmeasurable sadness cascade down your cheeks, onto his black long sleeve shirt. You try and push him away, but fail due to his strength. His muscular arms constricting you as if you would fade away.

"Listen to me please." He says softly, tears lightly streaming down his cheeks, though, not to the caliber of yours.

You sniffle lightly, thrashing in his arms. Though, it was no use, his hold was so secure that no amount of resistance would break you free. So, you could do nothing else but endure what he has to say.

"I'm sorry-

Sorry doesn't fix anything Peter, it's just a word!" The teary-eyed male hissed at your words. The amount of hurt and venom your tone held was enough to make his jaw clench and his hold to tighten.

"I know it doesn't, but it's a start. L-look, i didn't mean to say that. I don't know what came over me, or what caused me to say those things. But what i do know is that they were a hundred percent untrue. And i want you to know that..." He pauses briefly to wipe away your tears with his thumb. Dipping his head into the crook of your neck. He took in your floral scent, hoping it would help him regain composure. You feel a tug on your heart at how utterly hurt and small he sounded.

"I love you with all my heart, and that you are the most unique girl I've ever met... If anything i don't know how i even managed to get a girlfriend as beautiful and amazing as you..... Wanna know why I'm with you?" You nod lightly into his chest. His hold readjust itself as he lays his head above yours. Almost content with your slight gesture, but he needed to be sure you were happy.

"It's because you accept me for who i am. You don't pressure me to be perfect all the time, you welcome my flaws with open arms; don't expect anything from me and shower me with so much love everyday... I want you to know that i could never replace you, not that i would ever want to. How did i ever get so lucky... Please y/n, you are one of the most important people in my life.... I-i can't loose you too..." Peter couldn't fathom a future with out you in it. He grew frantic, thinking that this day could be the last together. And that there would be a slight chance that you didn't want to forgive him again. He couldn't let that happen...

"Please say something...." He sighed whilst tears brimmed his eyes, taking your tightening hold on his shirt to keep moving forward.

"Do you remember when we first started dating, that night i texted you that i was frustrated and my anxiety was acting up... And you came over in a heart beat, even though you lived fifteen minutes away... Y-you told me to let it all out, and i cried in your arms for an hour, complaining about everything. I felt so ashamed for crying in front of you, but you told me that i was so brave for accepting my feelings... I know what i said must've hurt you a lot, but I'll do better... I'm sorry for triggering you like that." Peter's tone was barely above whisper, and if he hadn't have said it directly above your ear, you would've missed it. There he was... your Peter....

You thought back to the said memory and smiled fondly, that was the night you both realized that you wanted a more serious title on your relationship. Finally labeling each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. You thought back to all the happy memories you both shared and confirmed that a silly little fight wouldn't get the best of you. Yes, his words might've hurt, but his actions now out ways all of his petty insults. You give into your flourishing heart and forgive him.

Backing away from his chest lightly, you look up at him, gasping slightly at his blood shot eyes. You hesitatly reach up to cup both of his cheeks. Wiping away the remaining tears that streamed down his face. He smiled lightly and leaned into your touch, taking one of your hands in his and place a soft, delicate kiss on it.

"We'll be okay...." You smiled at his comforting words before planting a passionate, loving kiss on his lips. Peter smiled lightly before taking your wrist on his hold and guiding them to wrap around his neck. He deepens the kiss and pulls you closer by your waist.

It was then that he realized that he wanted you to be the only women in his life. And that he wanted nobody else. Suddenly feeling an overly compelling urge in his heart to make up for his actions overcomes him. He was determined to trap you in his web of love again. He couldn't loose you too...

You smile in content, 

          portraying the victim always worked...

'Indeed, we'll be just fine.....'

Perhaps they were both awful people, fooling each other with the reality they both created. But it was done with the intent of love, sick twisted love... He was possessive and she was insecure. And together they were toxin and venom... God forbid anything that tries to get in between them...

_____________

End Note:

For those that don't understand, take notice in Peter's words and how drastically different they are from when he was mad to when he was apologizing. Sweet at first glance but if you really dig deep you'd notice how sugar coated everything seemed, like he's saying what you want to hear. And as for the Reader, I purposely left out how much she contributed to the fight in the beginning to make it seem as though she was the victim, when in reality she was also at fault. The anxiety aspect of this story was very much 'real' since I described what it felt like for me and I wanted her to suffer from anxiety yet have something be a little off. Now, I'm not claiming that the bedroom part was a whole scene to feed her victim persona, but that's up to how you want to view it. This story is subjective and can be taken however way you want to.

#peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker smut #peter parker #peter parker angst #peter parker fluff #peter parker oneshot #peter parker scenarios #dark!marvel #dark!mcu #dark!peter #dark!peter parker #marvel fanfiction #marvel #marvel avengers #marvel angst #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fic #spiderman imagine #spiderman x reader #spiderman #spider man: far from home #spiderman angst #yandere peter parker #toxic love #toxic friends #toxic people #toxic relationship #venom x spiderman #spiderman smut

[misfittedmishaps]

DAY 012: Yeah, write!

So, panibagong araw na naman, at panibagong pang-aatake na naman sa akin ni Dads! Minsan, naiisip ko... Lagi na lang akong bina-bang bang ni Dads sa mga tanong niya. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, bago pa man matapos ang 366 days na ito ay exposed na exposed na ako dito. To use Vice's statement: "Wala talaga tayong itatago... Isisiwalat natin lahat!"

Pero kidding aside, I think maganda rin naman talaga na i-include ang personal life dito sa blog na ito. After all, ito naman talaga ang purpose noon. We want to share to all of you the things that we've learn in life and to do that, we must share our life with you. Kung p'wede nga lang na bawat blog post na gawin namin ay maglalagay kami ng part of our soul (horcrux daw, jk), gagawin namin. Because what better way to teach someone a lesson than to show them someone's experience. And in that case...

I guess it's the right thing to do. To volunteer ourselves as someone who will teach others the lesson that we've learn. We do not know much, pero at least...

Kumbaga sa isang race, nabawasan na ang hurdles na kailangan ninyo maranasan, and we're more than happy for that. We know the feeling of the pain that we've experienced just to get that lesson. At least we are saving you from experiencing that pain. Well, hopefully.

Anyway, Dads' question was about my writing career, and here it is:

Ano ang gusto mong simulan sa iyong writing journey sa taong ito?

I don't know if I mentioned it here yet pero matagal na ako nagsusulat. Nagsusulat na ako since late 2014 or early 2015 (hindi talaga ako sure kasi bata pa ako noon). Anyway, ayon nga. Five years na rin pala, more or less, simula noong nag-start akong magsulat. Still, I still have a lot to improve and still have a lot to prove to myself. To be honest kasi... Minsan, pakiramdam ko, hindi talaga ako worthy na tawaging writer, lalo pa't hindi man lang ako makatapos ng isang istorya, no matter how hard I try, and maybe that's one of my plans... To finish writing a story.

Bukod pa roon, hindi na rin naman sikreto kay Dads ang plano ko gawin. I'm not gonna share my story dahil mabuti na rin ang mag-ingat. However, what I can share to all of you is my vision in this story.

Noon pa man, alam na ni Dads kung anong klaseng writer ako. Kung may nagbabasa man sa mga sinusulat ko, maybe alam din nila. Ako kasi iyong tipo ng tao na masyadong bored sa linear na plot. Simula pa talaga noon, hindi ko na hilig ang pagsusulat ng mga mainstream na plot—mga plot na kadalasan nakikita natin sa iba't ibang libro o hindi naman kaya sa Wattpad (isang community and channel namin for sharing our stories to others). Ewan ko ba! Hilig ko talaga ang paglihis ng landas. In fact, dahil doon, Dads always called me "deviant" when it comes to writing.

So, this year... That's my plan. To continue on becoming deviant when it comes to writing. Sa upcoming story na naiisip ko, sobrang layo niya sa mga generic Wattpad stories. Medyo taboo na rin kasi siya, kahit may iilang mga stories na gaya nito sa Wattpad.

It would be a general fiction disguised as Romantic story. Medyo PG-13 siguro siya, bit not because of sexual scenes (although baka mayroon siya but it would be for a cause). It would tackle different issues na kadalasan, hindi nata-tackle sa Wattpad. My goal for this story is to change the people's perspective regarding these topics. Plano kong sampalin sila ng realidad. I wanted them to become aware of these societal issue.

Although medyo nahihirapan ako sa pag-execute nito, I badly want to write this story, and hopefully... Magawa ko siya.

Well, so far, iyon lang ang plano ko... Hahahaha. I know, wala kayong matututunan rito dahil pure kwento lang siya. Mukha lang siyang isang #ShareKoLang episode ni Maju. Hahaha. However, I don't want you all to leave empty-handed which is why I'm going to tell you these things:

First, don't be afraid to become resilient in the society.

I know that we all live in a world na may isang sinusundan na sistema. We live in a world divided by religion, races, and other beliefs. We live in a world where there are rules that should be followed to become accepted by the norms. However, hindi mo naman kailangan sumunod sa mga norms. NEVER change yourself para lang makibagay sa society because the truth is: The societal norms are created for the people on top to stay on top. They are created para ipakita sa atin that they are superior, and that we should follow them to be accepted.

Nasa sa iyo naman kung ano ang gagawin mo: It's either you conform with the rules as you lose yourself in the process, or you can be deviant and fght for what you believe in.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that you should literally break every rule that you see. I'm only saying that if you think that the rules is impeding your human rights, then you should not follow it.

Second, never lose hope on your dream.

There are times kung saan wala sa side mo ang universe. There are times kung saan parang instead na ilapit ka ng mundo sa iyong pangarap, mas inilalayo ka nito. But that doesn't mean that you should give up on your dreams. That doesn't mean that you should stop fighting!

Ako, why do you think would I still waste my time on writing stories that may or may not be finished? Why am I still writing despite the failures that I've experienced? Simple. It's because of my vision as a writer.

Yes, the universe might be giving me a hard time on achieving my dreams. Yes, it would be easier to just give up and throw that dream into the trash bin. But you know what? I'm not gonna do that. I will never do that.

Yes, time will come kung saan lalamunin ako ng aking failures, until such time na gugustuhin ko na lang muna na magpahinga sa pagsusulat. It happened once, after all, and I know that it will happen again. But just like how I gave up on writing, I know na tulad ng dati... Babalik ako sa pagsusulat. It's because writing is already a part of me, and throwing that part of me meant breaking myself.

So, never give up on your dreams. For there are worse things that could happen to you while reaching your dreams, but giving up would be the worst decision that you'll do in your life. Kung sa bagay, nasa gitna ka na naman. Nahirapan ka na naman. Lahat ba ng paghihirap na iyon, itatapon mo na lang kung saan? Hindi ba sayang?

So, ayon. Share ko lang naman.

Hindi madali ang pagsusulat, just as hindi madali ang pag-abot n iyong pangarap. But always remember that the world may give you a thousand reasons to give up, always remember that you have that one reason to continue. And that one reason is enough for you to take your journey. That one reason is enough for you to reach your destination, and that is the success.

Anyway... Dads, you asked me a question about writing, and it is my great pleasure to ask you about writing as well:

Why did you start writing?

Compared sa mga nauna kong tanong, simple lang iyan, but I want you to show to the readers your reason of writing. The reason why after all these years, hindi ka pa rin sumusuko. Tanong nga ni Pareng Nescafe (beke nemen po, haha), "Para kanino ka bumabangon?", implying that you need to have your reason to live. Kaya ngayon, iyon ang tanong ko sa iyo. Ano ang iyong rason kung bakit ka nagsusulat? Or if you may... Para kanino ka nagsusulat?

O s'ya, laters na lang, at pauwi pa lang kami from Bataan. Ciao ciao, everyone! Love lots~

- Maju

[noramoya]

• TrayC — I love to tour.

“HI, MJ FAM . I POSTED ABOUT THIS IN THE MJ MISCELLANEOUS THREAD BUT AFTER SPEAKING TO ANOTHER FONT IN DM, THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER TO CREATE A THREAD SO MORE PEOPLE CAN BE AWARE. I AM NOT ABLE TO POST THE TWEET IN WUESTION BECAUSE IT WOULD BE AGAINST LSA RULES.

BACKGROUND FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW : Pearl Jr is a 'journalist' who states she has evidence that MJ faked his death. She has made 3 DVD's with her 'evidence' which she sells to naive fans. One of her main arguments is that she's spent thousands of hours on the phone to Michael himself, who she claims is Peter. Peter comes to this site to try to recruit people for his own forum. I don't think he has claimed he is MJ but he does creepy stuff like posting collections of rare memorabilia (which some people think is stolen), and mimicks MJs voice. (He sounds ridiculous but this has not stopped Pearl and thousands of lonely, vulnerable women into thinking that it's MJ). He has not disputed Pearls claims. He goes on live chats on his forum and many of these women seem to think they are in some kind of personal relationship with him. He has fairly large followings on twitter, facebook and his forum. Both of these people, in my opinion, are batshit. A few years ago, a group of fans exposed who he really was, a guy who has spends his life mimicking MJ. This is the first time I think he has been exposed in a live chat. What happened (what I posted in the other thread):

'PETER' WAS DOING A LIVE CHAT AND HE, ACCIDENTALLY, FLIPPED HIS PHONE AND SHOWED HIMSELF TO BE THE OVERWEIGHT IMPOSTER THAT HE IS. HE THEN TRIED TO DELETE THE EVIDENCE BUT ONE OF HIS FOLLOWERS SNAPPED IT AND PUT IT ON TWITTER. IT’S STILL THERE BUT I WONT POST IT HERE . PEARL JR. OF COURSE IS NOW SAYING THAT IT’S MJ’S DISGUISE. LOL! SHE GOT TO GET HER INVESTMENT BACK SOMEHOW, I GUESS. The twitter user who posted this is someone who believed Pearl and her purchased DVDs apparently.” — April 29, 2018.

• Xscape —*The dark thoughts in your head*

“TrayC, Thank you so much for bringing this info out in the open. This has truly gone on way too long.

It is the intent of Peter Midani and his followers to throw Pearl Jr under the bus, claiming she is the only one responsible, but Make no mistake.. Peter Midani admitted on LSA to giving her permission to share their conversations so he knew very well what she was saying and promoting.

I know people who buy into this whole labor of love lie but hear me out. If Michael was discovered alive by the mainstream, what would happen.. Especially to the person he decided to reach out and go public to... That person is set for life... For bringing Michael back to the world. Seventy five thousand dollars is chump change compared to millions and millions of potential income if the risk panned out.

Pearl may be crazy but She ain't stupid. And Using the argument of being biased against Peter for sounding similar to Michael to certain people, again is not logical when 99.9% of impersonators and tribute artists have no qualms nor problem about their real identity known and, in fact prefers that, so no misunderstanding happens. Peter uses his Michael like voice to seduce young girls who are MJ fans into cyber or phone sex with him. Plus, because of what Pearl Jr has promoted him as, they think they are involved with Michael, in a secret life.

Please... It's fake ! Glad to see him busted, although I am sure another claim of being hacked and stolen identity will come up. And these people buy it because they're that desperate thinking they are close to Michael somehow, even when its not him . Crazy ! Also, He supports Shana ! Thanks again Tray C :) Thanks Thanks 🙏🏼 Hugs! Hugs! — April 29, 2018. “

• SellingOutSouls — 24KCoughDrop

“I wouldn’t really worry about it. The very few stans that give her the time of day are usually from foreign countries and struggle to understand English.” — 04/29/2018.

• TrayC — I love to tour .

“Yeah, you're probably right. I'm more concerned about the 12k people that follow Peter tbh. Many of them young girls ... “. — April 29, 2018.

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

“This is the Pearl Jr of “Wink wink.Nod nod... Michael Jackson is Alive” and Peter Midani is Michael Jackson on various platforms. I only point her out because, for a friend, Midani is a lousy one, willing to throw her under the bus for this when he gave his permission and has seen her videos. He knows what she sells ! In other words, They’re both in it, like peas in a pod ! — April 29, 2018.”

• Angels777 — Well-Known Member

Thank you @TrayC

This does deserve it's own thread for people who either aren't aware of the con-game Pearl Jr and Peter Midani have going on, or who support them and may need their eyes opened. It's so sad that some fans of MJ still continue to fall victim of shenanigans such as this. The best way to show them is to expose them.” — April 29, 2018.

• awsomegirl015 — Minding your business

“Why is it that people constantly think celebrities fake their deaths? Now Tupac is somewhat believable because there was never a real autopsy done. But I doubt Michael is still alive. The whole world saw his funeral”. — April 29, 2018 .

• TrayC — I love to your.

“Because some people find it hard to accept when their fav dies. Especially if they are still young or if under suspicious circumstances. To be clear, I don't care what people believe. I personally enjoy watching videos about conspiracy theories. I do have a problem with manipulation and scamming which I believe is the case here.” 04/29/2018.

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

ROTFLMAO... Let's not give Peter Midani any real followers, Man ! Actually, It is hard to understand ! These young girls and followers think they are protecting and being loyal to Michael Jackson here ! Now, we know this is nonsense... Especially now . But they are convinced, so they are loyal, thinking they are standing up for Michael Jackson , secretly ! This person almost caused the collapse of another MJ fan board with this act, and I know of two girls he flirted with, who absolutely thought this was Michael Jackson ! And this happened when Michael was still living ! Just know.. The two young women I knew were devastated when everything fell apart. They loved him as Michael and it was a betrayal when he turned out not to be, or they began to have doubts. Then, Michael was murdered. How would you feel being unable to confirm or deny you knew someone. Chatted with someone.. And they may be dead ? These people didn't have the truth and no place to go to find it ! The truth is coming out, but it cannot be placed all on Gaz. Now is the time to take a stand and spread this message or share your experiences if you are familiar with this situation. Secrets only keep the lie going, with people getting coin in their pockets off MJ fans ! Let's take back our fan base for each other ! Time for the crap to go ! “. — April 29, 2018 .

• Angels777 — Well-Known Member

ABOUT : Leogirl817 said:’ I don't know how this woman can function in her everyday life!’

“She's obsessed ! Her whole life revolves around this scam. Either she thinks Michael is in the car with Prince following her, or she thinks she talks to Michael on the phone all the time.She screams about talking to Michael (Peter Midani) for over ONE THOUSAND HOURS so she knows he's alive. If you challenge her, she gets smart with you and basically degrades you by calling you names and tells you if you don't believe her then get off her page. She insists that Peter is Michael and continues to do so, even after his real face was recently exposed yet again. Talk about crazy 😜! “ — April 29, 2018.

• SellingOutSouls — 24K CoughDrops

“Woah...WHAT HAPPENED TO GAZ?!! “. — 04/29/2018 .

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

“Gaz? He is fine, as far as I know. I don't know him well... I said as I did, because it was like there was a time he was fighting this alone... There just hasn't been much of a system in place for such victims to be able to find the truth and hopefully healing ! Instead, these people are often met with ridicule because they are hard to convince. Letting Peter Midani go, means letting Michael Jackson go, for them... So they stay silent and in the limbo .” — April 29, 2018 .

• SellingOutSouls — 24K CoughDrops.

“I find it incredibly hard to believe people would dismiss GAZ, regarding anything because, despite his falling out with some of his members on MJJC, he’s still held with high regard ! Last I had heard he had exposed Peter Midani as a fraud and the sane majority of the fan base believe GAZ. I honestly feel like regardless of Peter existing or not there’s ALWAYS going to be beLIEvers among us. No matter how hard we try or how many frauds we expose there will still be those who choose to believe in the false hope of Michael being alive. I mean you still have people that number in the thousands that believe Elvis is alive, even though the chances of somebody with the type of health issues Elvis had wouldn’t likely make it into their 80s are slim.” — 04/29/2018 .

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

“You're right Selling. Frauds exist. Scams get uncovered... I don't know how these people truthfully face themselves with the way they con people ! Gaz is fine . He still fights the good fight. My statement was about the fact Midani has been doing this, ever since before Michael Jackson died, and Burned a few bridges forcefully with nobody knowing the full truth of who he was ... So these girls were conflicted even more, when Michael was murdered.” — 04/29/20018 .

• BestOfJoy — Well-Known Member

“I think some people are missing the point here. It's not about people believing Michael is or is not alive. The issue here is that "Peter Midani” has been pretending to be Michael for years... going all the way back to MySpace days.He has lured young women (many who are under age) in to believing he is Michael and, in doing so , these young girls have shared very personal information with him- pictures, their address, phone number, etc. I'd like to direct everyone to MJJC's official statement made in 2014 about Peter: OFFICIAL STATEMENT OF MJJCOMMUNITY TO THE MICHAEL JACKSON FANS, RE : "Peter Midani" (Bobby Anderson) .” — April 29, 2018 .

• SellingOutSouls — 24K CoughDrops

“I understand. The problem is, our hands are tied because, these people have been given facts upon facts to prove he’s a fraud, and people still choose to believe in him. You can’t help those who refuse to be helped. I spent a good 5-6 years, after Michael died , trying to keep fellow fans from falling for the schemes and lies of frauds, but eventually realized that, if people refuse to consider the facts they are given to stop supporting these schemers, then they’re getting exactly what they’ve bargained for ! How many frauds have been exposed in the last 9 years alone and, yet, you still have naive MJ fans that refuse to use some common sense and research things, before giving people their trust and many times their hard earned money?Just look at how many dumb ass fans still follow Karen Faye despite the AEG trial exposing her for the “backstabbing c*nt” that she is ! Perhaps it’s because I’ve already reached my limits with age, but I just don’t have the time or energy to keep trying to pull these people’s heads out of the sand to force feed these people the truth, regarding the frauds among the fan community.” — April 29, 2018 .

• CHLOEXHALLE — Public Relations Agent & Lawyer.

“This shit is gonna be in history books about Michael. Mark my words. The "twin soul" shit too. I need to know why MJ fans (particularly women) are always so fucking stupid to believe shit like this ?! And it has nothing to do with age cause some of these people are over 25, and even as old as 40. Edit: Anyway I remember Pearl J from my early Twitter days. The bish was nuts then. I'm surprised she's still going over 6 years later !” — April 29, 2018.

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

“In my opinion, I think if one focuses on trying to push anything down another's throat, It will fail. Knowledge is power and can help those people who actually DO want the truth and need support. Like Pearl Jr , for example. Her response was the frame was a mask, but Come on.. It's clear that's no mask. Why would anybody wear a mask in their home on their own computer when they weren't expecting to be seen ? Top that with, he looks rough in this pic. He wasn't planning on it happening ! Karma is a bitch !! But still Pearl tries selling her hand with the mask excuse. Nuts! “ — 04/29/2018 .

• TrayC — I love to tour.

“See, I'm of the opinion that Pearl doesn't even believe herself that it's MJ anymore (maybe she did think it was him years ago)... but she can't back track now, she's gone too far ! It would be admitting that all her 'work' her book, DVDs etc are BS ! She couldn't possibly admit that , without some pretty harsh repercussions. So she will justify any evidence to the contrary. Until the end of time ... “ — 04/29/2018.

• SellingOutSouls — 24kCoughDrops

“At the end of the day, the victims of these schemes have to be the ones to report the fraud ; but even then, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything would come of it, because it would likely fall under a civil complaint and, at the end of the day, some just don’t feel like much will be accomplished, by attempting civil action .” — 04/29/2018.

• TrayC — I love to tour

“Well she claims her work is 100% factual ! That is false advertizing ! But yeah, I'm talking more about her reputation as an investigative journalist. But I guess that's not exactly that high either ! — April 29, 2018.

• SellingOutSouls — 24kCoughDrops

“That’s still something they’d refer for civil litigation and that type of stuff takes too much time and money. It ends up being easier to just cut your losses and never look back ! Now, maybe if enough people organized a class action suit, there’d be a glimmer of hope that she’d be shut down, but it would still rely too much on hearsay and certain unknowns.” — April 29, 2018 .

• BarbaraLee — Well-Known Member

“Interesting ! I remember the statement and the exposing on MJJC, in 2014, and wondered why Gaz cared so much about it... it seemed pretty absurd to me ! But I didn't know Peter had 12K followers and it had been going on for years and years ! Jeez !! — 04/29/2018 .

• NOT ALL MEN — Well-Known Member

“So I have a confession for y'all . For years, before Michael's death, I was part of the King of Pop message board. I, along with other MJ fans, downloaded this program called Paltalk (before Skype, or before the popularity of Skype). Myself and other MJ fans would all gather in the chat . And also, if you had a microphone or headset of some kind, you can actually speak in the chat instead of type. Well, guess who would also be in the chat? "Peter Pan PYT," or "Peter Midani." Often, he'd take the mic and impersonate Michael. And a lot of us enjoyed it. It sounded scarily like Michael ! However, this shit ended up being concerning because there were girls in this chatroom who ACTUALLY THOUGHT that he was the REAL Michael Jackson (this was during 2004/2005). I remember feeling creeped out by all of this. Obviously, it wouldn't really be Michael, but so many girls thought it was ! One of my friends from the KOP board who was also on Paltalk, she was on the phone with one of the girl's parents to tell them that that wasn't really Michael Jackson. Just someone impersonating his voice. She did this while she had the mic on Paltalk. I haven't heard this fraud's MJ's impersonation voice since then, but at the time, I thought he was really good. He sounded convincingly like Michael. Then years later, after I lost my moderation status on the KOP board over something petty, there was a huge thread, there, about "Peter Midani" because there were a few girls on the site who got conned. I don't remember the full story, so if there was anyone who was there on the kOP board at the time, if you can clarify, that would be nice. But, to my surprise, it was the same guy that we're talking about here. But these girls thought it was really Michael. He wrote them poetry, and all kinds of crazy claims ! The gullibility of these women amazes me ! How these women cling on to every dude's saying-and-action, without a thought ?! It's like all senses and thinking skills are thrown out the window, and they're ready to accept and believe, and do the most for him . But, more than that, is that not only has this guy been doing this BEFORE Michael passed, but years after, taking advantage of women and girls. Michael is supposed to be dead (he is), and here ‘Peter’is, the proof that Michael is alive, and taking advantage of these desperate BeLIEvers for his morbid and selfish reasons !And don't even get me started on Pearl Jr. She's an embarrassment to black women everywhere !” — April 29, 2018 .

• TrayC — I love to tour.

“When people wonder how on earth anyone could be so naive as to get sucked into lies like this, it's placing the blame on them, instead of the manipultors. The majority of people who fall into these traps aren't like you, with a normal life etc. Maybe they are children who are too trusting, they could have mental health issues, some people lean on things like this as a form of escape from whatever horrible shit is going on in their lives. This is what is so sad about it ! it's those type of people that Pearl and Peter are manipulating. I know there isn't really much we can do, but it just disgusts me. “ — 04/29/2018 .

• ShalaShalingay — Well Known Member

“ But could Gaz help ? I mean, shouldn't this ‘Peter’ man be investigated by police for soliciting young females online ? I'm sure that must be illegal ! I don't think with freedom of speech that much can be done about the Pearl Jr. woman. I can only imagine the conspiracy talk when it will be his 10 year next year. It will be a circus .” — 04/29/2018 .

• TrayC — I love to tour .

“I don't know Gaz so I dont know. I am not a member of his forum. From what I hear he already tried to do something but I really don't know. A member of MJJC would be better placed to speak on that than me...” — 04/29/2018

• Realtk92 — Unapologetically Real

“In the case of Michael, he was a larger-than-life-figure that ruled the Pop Culture world for over 40 years ! His impact, influence and contribution to Music and Culture was and is something that had not been seen before. He has become an Immortal figure and for many it is very hard to accept he is no longer here anymore. With Tupac, they haven't found the person that killed him and they continue to release new music from his vault. That is why there is speculation around his death. “ — 04/29/2018 .

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

“Let me take a crack and try my best to explain. Peter Midani used the same handle he always used as the email Addy to contact him by, that's how its known it's the same person as the imposter on KOPD board. Now of course, Peter cries Hacking, but that's his m.o. ..it's always an imposter, someone else when it isn't. Anyway, a moderator of that board befriended Midani through friends of hers and believed it was Michael Jackson as well. Later on, that moderator was approached by someone having doubts about the situation. This moderator kept the situation under wraps and bullied the person who came to them with their concerns to try and intimidate them into silence. The girl went over the mod's head. Hell broke loose at one point. It's like the one thing you just don't discuss there. People would rather forget. But I am, personally, of the opinion it's a network of people conning and conniving together. They think they got a good act going. Well busted ... EDIT : I want to be clear about the moderator here and note that the person apologized and lost the position over what happened, but went on to better themselves and change their bullying ways.” — 04/29/2018 .

• Awesomegirl015 — Minding Your Business

“According to the NYPD, they found Tupac’s killer years ago and have evidence but, because the guy was killed two years after Tupac, he was never convicted ! It was revealed in the tv series documentary about pac and biggie. The guy pac stomped out that night was the one who killed him. His uncle basically snitched years ago in order to save himself from having to go to jail. Let me see if I can post a clip... (it’s on Netflix). I agree with what you said about Michael , though ... He has become Immortal ! — 04/29/2018 .

• Xscape — *The dark thoughts in your head*

“Michael... It's like... somehow, people forgot he was a human being, regardless of his Talent, Wealth, and Life . He was ultimately destined to do what 100% of creatures of Earth have done and that was have a life span. They bring up he loved magic and illusion. Ok... So did Houdini, people ! It's us that yearned so much for him ! We wanted Redemption and Justice for him , because he deserved a happy life, after all he shared with the world. The world kicked him and spit him out. They’re STILL trying to rewrite his history and erase his true character from it. He deserved better than to be murdered ! To be abused and neglected right under our noses ! And, yet, Michael swallowed the blame as a drug addict, when he wasn't sleeping nights. He was very sleep deprived. But let's take the account of the murderer as gospel truth of Michael supposedly asking repeatedly for sedatives when evidence points to that version being a lie. Michael never woke up after the first sedative was given. That's what the evidence shows. Murray drowned him in drugs. He never had a chance ! It's just more injustice against Michael as ever and repeats in the media. People ignore Michael was murdered ! ‘Nope. Drug addict !’ When Court evidence and doctor’s records and testimony tell another story, the media muted. Typical media ! One day it WILL be set right though. Michael deserves at least that much in his honor ! Anyway, Hell ... You guys are reading this and can see how all of what happened to Michael hurts and angers me ! Well, some just can't come to grips with the idea that Michael was more vulnerable than was known, and was abused and betrayed, repeatedly, by those who should have had his back. A few of these clowns, MJ fans actually still think did right by Michael and loved him, because not everyone followed the AEG trial . This just wasn't supposed to happen like this for him. And Michael was their inspiration in life ! They have to find him again, because they can't feel like they can move on. Some live abused lives ... It’s tragic in some cases ! As a Michael Jackson fan since childhood, I am grateful to have grown up being inspired and spellbound by him. He was a friend, when I had no friend in my corner, giving me encouragement to believe in myself and my dreams. My heart aches for some other answer for Michael, too ... not enough to swallow a lying illusion though. There's been enough lies and crap in this fan base, people picking on us cause they think we’re an easy target ! We still have time to carry on Michael's legacy and pass it down to generations ! “. — April 29, 2018 .