#i'd let him love me and leave me and that's my toxic trait | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yuikomorii · 2 years

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I'm saying this on anon because last time I shared my opinion, other people (not you) attacked me. I am a huge fan of this blog, but I've been noticing something I'd like to share.

I agree that he isn't the worst in terms of meanness or abuse, but that still doesn't change the fact he is abusive to Yui. You do say this too, but it also comes off as disingenuous at times? It's briefly mentioned he does bad things (not really ever discussed what horrible things he's done), and then it's followed up by "well, at least he's not as bad as "X" person" or is followed up with a list of his "good" traits.

I understand you just want to promote your favorite DL boy, but the way its done feels very biased to the point where it's not consistent or sometimes hypocritical. For example, I found it a bit concerning with the criticisms of Laito as a child, as he was literally being sexually abused. Is it really fair to label Ayato's abuse as one to be more sympathetic towards, when they both were horrible? I guess that's the impression I was getting.

Once again, it's 100% okay to like Ayato as a character, and I do too, but the way your "facts" about Ayato and how the other characters are worse than him in terms of abuse, support, etc don't really seem all that consistent or fairly presented. You aren't obligated to write about the abusiveness of Ayato, but you do have a very large audience, and I know a few others feel the same but have been scared to comment.

// While I understand your point of view, I'd like to point out that you misunderstood me and almost everything I said in this post.

I literally always mention that Ayato is an abusive character, which must not be excused, and the reason I usually compare him to others is because he's seen as such a horrible person in this fandom while he's more on the nice side; he was even confirmed in a book as the friendliest and most approachable character. Abuse is still abuse, but there are different types of abuse. Ayato is a misunderstood and mischaracterized character who is always portrayed as the worst, despite being the poor excuse of a bad guy. I can't believe some people in HDB found his actions unforgivable while justifying and thirsting over characters who abused Yui in far worse ways.

His form of abuse is basically… pranks. He’s a DO-S but not in the way of harming people, but scaring them. Darts scene? He intended to scare her by piercing her heart with the darts, but instead kissed her. School scene? He drank her blood and pretended leaving Yui there but 5 seconds later he picked her up. Underground scene? He put handcuffs on her then pretended to leave but Yui kept screaming for him so he came out of hiding and let her go. Mysterious package scene? He gave her a mini skirt so as to make fun of her. The only time when he was violent (not counting bad endings since those are the “wrong” ones) was during the blood moon (when all vampires, as predators, get this desire to hunt and are more lustful), when he strangled her in one of the Maniac chapters. Normal HDB Ayato would never let Yui harm herself; he doesn’t get any satisfaction out of that, nor would he ever harm her in his routes (unless you count bites, lol, but he’s a vampire…). Even in Laito’s route, he helped Yui removing the handcuffs Laito had placed on her when she told him she wanted her hands to be cut off. Of course, nobody should ever allow such things in real life; it is bullying and toxic, and this should not be romanticized, but in a game about extremely sadistic monsters, he's definitely on the "not that bad" side. He never forced Yui to do anything scary, nor did he project his insecurities onto her or fill her with his own problems. And I know he called Yui "prey" in MB, which made her cry a lot, yet humans really are prey in their eyes. Still, Yui admits in the last ecstasy chapter that she was selfish for being too obsessed with Ayato's love rather than trying to understand him, and this was one of Yui's best developments because it demonstrated her learning from her mistakes. Ayato was also in the wrong; he should have tried to express his feelings rather than bottle them up, but I'm glad they both got together.

Side note: He is the Sakamaki who has insulted Yui the least (ik bare minimum). He called her flat (which everyone did) dumb and said her clothes lacked sex appeal, but he never made her feel insecure about her face. However, for some reason, he's always the one in headcanons who says things like "I don't like ugly women!" or stuff like that. One of the reasons I love Ayato is that he is the only one who genuinely used KIREI on her, and not only one time, which is something I will never stop talking about. This is so significant because in the majority of otome games, the love interests call the heroine “kawaii” and “kirei” is actually rarely used since it has a much bigger impact in Japan.

I may appear biased, but the thing is… Ayato is already a biased character by the company, and I'm not just saying that because he's always in the center of everything. He appears to be the favorite character of Rejet's most important employees, including Rejet's CEO (who also wrote some character songs and YB), Yamada-san (one of the route and CD drama writers + Young blood writer), and others. It's fine to express your displeasure with their bias toward him, but at the end of the day, we're just the players, and they're the creators, so there's nothing we can do. Also, Rejet confirmed all of the "horrible" things you mentioned:

1. When Ayato is accused of doing something bad, it isn't as sinister as you might think. It simply means causing mischief, or playing pranks on others, and this was demonstrated even on routes that were not his own. Still mean, but not horrifying.

2. It’s canon that all he did with the sacrificial brides was feed off them. Yes, they were innocent souls, but this official short story (translated by Koiiro on WP) explains the entire situation better. Basically, Yui explained that she has to eat meat even though she feels a bit bad for the animals killed in the process, but Ayato compares it to the sacrificial brides to cheer her up and explains that it's the circle of life. Vampires, after all, require blood to survive:

Ayato— “I don't feel sorry for those who are sacrificed."

Yui—"…eh?"

Ayato— "Because they're eaten by the great me. The weak can live within the strong, right? They should be grateful."

Yui— "Ayato-kun…"

Ayato— Titless looks surprised somehow. I look away from her, thinking that what just I said is an obvious thing.

Yui— "…thank you. You really are kind, Ayato-kun."

Ayato— For some reason, I hear Titless thanking me from behind.

Ayato— "Huh!? What do you mean?"

Yui— "…eh? I mean… at the very least, my blood isn't simply going to waste inside of you. When the thought crossed my mind, I just felt that way somehow…"

Ayato— Titless shyly smiles as she answers.

After hearing Yui's confession, Ayato goes into Tsundere mode, exclaiming, "It was about Takoyaki!" even though Yui knew very well he meant sacrificial brides.

No, @ DL fandom, he did not torture previous sacrificial brides as you might think. I know I'm probably one of the few DL fans who have access to a bunch of information about the franchise, but I'd really appreciate it if people would stop judging a character without knowing the facts.

Now, let's talk about Laito. I'm sorry, but I believe you completely missed the point of what I was trying to say. I never said Ayato's past was more worthy of sympathy than Laito's; I just said that both of them had it rough and that Laito shouldn't envy him for it, because Ayato's life wasn't perfect either.

As a person who got a pure 100% on my psychology exam, NEWSFLASH: Psychological, Neglect, Sexual and Physical abuse are the main types of abuse and they’re EQUALLY bad. Just because Laito was sexually abused doesn't mean Kanato, who was neglected, or Ayato, who was tortured and had many near-death experiences, had it better than him, and thinking that way is extremely insensitive. Worst past ≠ Saddest past. What makes Laito's past sadder than Ayato's is that Laito was severely impacted by it, whereas Ayato not so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love Laito, and I'm a Laito stan, but dismissing his brother’s trauma is still wrong. That is equivalent to saying:

Person A: I was beaten up everyday to the point that I almost died over and over.

Person B: But you will never understand the pain of being rap€d.

Abuse is not a competition; everyone reacts differently; some people heal faster than others; and one thing is certain: Ayato's, Laito's, or anyone else's trauma will never be an excuse for abusive behavior.

Oh and actually, everything I mentioned are 100% canon facts??? They aren’t sugarcoated in Ayato’s favor, he really is portrayed by Rejet as a hero. He even came in first place among all Rejet boys, from all of their games, when it came to protecting you/MC in a fight against a powerful enemy.

Ayato and Azusa are both the most helpful Diaboys in the franchise, so claiming that Ayato is less supportive than his brothers is a huge lie. Sure, he's not always supportive, but he's more than the other Sakamakis and unquestionably more heroic. I focus on his positive traits rather than his negative ones because he has more positive traits than negative ones, lol. Ayato has done far more good than bad, so he deserves to be reminded of those rather than his flaws.

I'm sorry you got hate for sharing your opinion; nobody deserves to be hated for something like that, but maybe think outside the box next time? Or perhaps try to better analyze the situation? I don't mean to come across as mean; I have nothing against this ask, and I appreciate that you enjoy my blog; it's just that some fans are extremely defensive of their favorite Diaboy to the point of being very irascible. ^^”

#admin #(aaah this is probably my longest post)#(but I can’t add -read more- idk why)

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linalilia · 11 months

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I'm kinda late but yeah :D

For fandoms: Soukoku, Jade x Trey, and Leona x Ruggie

For your ocs: Akio x Ichiro, Aimi x Akane, Kei x Daisuke (Now that we know more about them, I'd like to see what you think of these skips, hehe. :DD)

it's okay it's okay! i'm surprised to see no bllk ships here /lh

LISTEN. AGAIN. i'm just not really a fan of this dynamic in general? like, i really like the concept of 😠😆 characters being a couple, but ehh, for some reason soukoku is just.. not it for me. it's like, i can see the "hating each other" part, but i can't see the "secretly in love with each other" part?? also i just got too tired of seeing it everywhere and the "this ship killed my grandma, okay" part is like. i've told this story to my other friends before, but long story short, back when i was like 13-14 years old and i just got into bsd, i was a part of this gc and all members liked skk, but i didn't, so they came up with this great plan: THEY JUST KICKED ME OUT OF THE GC EVERY TIME THEY MENTIONED SKK AND THEN ADDED ME AGAIN WHEN THEY CHANGED THE TOPIC. like. i get it, they were even younger than me and they said that "they did that for my own comfort", but also.. yeah, i kinda get ptsd every time i see them now /j

i just.. don't really get it?? like yes, i know about their interactions and i know about the whole "oh, trey thought jade is just like him fr but it turned out that jade likes working for azul" (??) thing, but also.. idk, i just don't really care about this ship :'D maybe it's bc i'm kinda neutral when it comes to these characters too (i'm like a magnet for trey and jade simps though. i have too many mutuals/friends who like them JDJSKSALSL) so that's why i don't really care about shipping them too?

tbh the age gap makes me feel a bit uncomfy? like, listen, i'm not the type of person who goes "IF THESE TWO CHARACTERS ARE NOT THE EXACT SAME AGE, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHIP THEM", but ehhh, idk, i think leona is a bit too old for ruggie. i think i like the concept in theory, since i enjoy dynamics where character a has more power and character b is their servant/follower/etc, but ruggie is like.. basically, i think he deserves better jdkdslsdls

WELL. UH. NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT I ACTUALLY LIKE. okay, i love both platonic and romantic versions of akio x ichiro. they're just so cute, but so toxic at the same time <333 like, hear me out. they have a very cute dynamic bc akio just wants someone to listen to him and admire him and just do what he says, but also recognize that he's more than just his intelligence and he has other good qualities too and if ichiro needs attention and someone to guide him and answer his questions, well, akio would be glad to do that! but also, there's a lot of angst potential since akio still misses arata to a very bad and obsessive degree as it will be shown in season 2 and he may also see ichiro only as a "second option" because he would like to reconcile with arata if he's able to go back home and also, unlike riku, ichiro probably doesn't really share any traits with arata? but hey, maybe akio should just stop searching for guys who look and act exactly the same way and try something new? also i can definitely see them as, like, that type of ship where someone talks a lot and the other one just listens and nods. but yeah, i think they should go to therapy together once they're out. if they're able to leave milgram that is (also hi i'm typing this while thinking about t2 akio and I'M THIS CLOSE TO CRYING)

AIMI X AKANE IS SUCH A CUTE SHIP (both platonically and romantically) IT LITERALLY MAKES ME MELT. like, their t1 version is so heartwarming, aimi finally gets a friend (maybe something more?) and akane finally gets someone who won't look away and give her all the attention and love she needs! also matching bandaids!! brushing each other's hair!! aimi saying that she can hug akane if she's too cold!! (and aimi is very soft and warm and her prison uniform is just like that as well) but also man. i'm thinking about the fact that i've actually never revealed much about aimi's backstory and what kind of person she was before milgram and like, why she was bullied by everyone.. and again, her undercover lyrics, if someone is not her friend, they don't deserve to even breathe. would love to see akane's reaction to t2 aimi, hehe <3 (don't worry, aimi is still cute, but now we get to know how messed up her morals can be) (also the fact that their love languages go together so well makes me go insane)

AGAIN. i love them both platonically and romantically. two angsty boys who have some love-related problems, how cute <3 but also, i think daisuke deserves someone better than kei jdkslsls. kei's morals are literally non-existent and he genuinely enjoys hurting people though one of the reasons why he likes it is because he thinks it's a normal way to show how much you love them. their love languages go together surprisingly well too (the masochist bit made me laugh so hard like if kei found out HE WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE AND WOULD TEASE HIM NON-STOP). this is also that kind of ship that really makes me wonder how your ocs would react to the t2 versions of my ocs, though in this case it's more about, well, kei's t2 mv and more info about his crime because IT'S GONNA BE SAD.

#also yes i'm working on season 2 it's just. homework. and exams #I LITERALLY HAVE TO GO AND DO MY HW RN AND I'M TALKING ABOUT SHIPS 😭#t2 akio and kei are so. *CRIES ON THE FLOOR*#like when i can finally talk about them you won't be able to shut me up sjdkslsl #“lina what twst ships do you even like” I'M A CHARACTER X CHARACTER ENJOYER YES but my ships are like #they're either not that popular or extremely basic (like adeuce or vil x neige)#(also ngl now i kinda prefer some oc x canon ships because come on. my ocs are pretty they would fall in love with my kids if they met them #lina plays ask games #lina's friends!#friend: aurora! 🌠

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personalanonymousrants · 11 months

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I'm in a weird place in life, story time.

Every hour in my day is spent staring at a screen while sitting in my couch. Studies? Online. (Currently in vacation so yeah, not even studying) Friendships? Online, and currently very few (2 to be exact). Therapy? Online, once a week. Mental stimulus? Reading random posts on all sort of subjects online. Do I leave my house for anything, ever? Very, very rarely. Irl friends/companies? My ex, only him (he's not a monster, I assure you). We see each other every weekend and occasionally after he leaves work on a weekday when I *need* to get out of the house even if it is for just one hour to grab a coffee and watch the street.

I feel like I'm floating in the void of outerspace, completely lost.

Recently, I've been bombarded by my own thoughts of projects I abandoned. If you're reading this, brace yourself, this gonna be long. From 8 years of age I took great interest on reading, writing, acquiring knowledge (not always useful), learning languages (here am I fluent in English now). 12 years of age, I absolutely loved writing on notebooks (I'd always carry 3 of them EVERYWHERE in my backpack, each for a different topic). I would also spend hours on end drawing anime/mangá style art. 14 years of age, I got my very first tablet and began trying digital art and painting, while maintaining all the rest. I carried on all of those interests and hobbies until my 15 years of age.

In between 12 and 15, my privacy was breached many times and I got bullied for my art, for my texts, for my attempts creative expression as a whole. I was not one to express verbally already (actual autism, selective mutism), because talking felt unsafe and bullying made that worse. Overtime, artistic and creative expression felt less and less safe.

Until by 15 years of age I got into an abusive relationship and dropped everything. I lost my voice, and what was left of my ability to express myself along with my dignity and self-respect. I just gave up for good on trying to express myself in any way.

Got out of that relationship at 17. Entered another one with an alcoholic, made some attempts at trying to start writing again, on private, password protected journals on a website I won't disclose. Again I was forced to let someone read my stuff and had verbal stones thrown at me. By 19 I left that relationship, and entered another one. Healthier one, but not perfect, still with some toxic traits because nobody is perfect he is unable to understand some things about me and is unaware of others, all he knows is I'm traumatized (got PTSD from the 2 previous relationships), mentally fucked and hard to deal with. [He also has untreated ADHD (which doesn't favor him being able to listen to my long explanations of what's actually going on with me), and a very critical personality (though he means to be constructive, he lacks sense. Both of us think he might be autistic as well as he does identify with it, but he can't focus on learning more about it as he can't for any other psychology or neurodevelopment/neuroscience topic, at least he tried).]

I again tried to recover my interests and means of creative expression through art and stuff, but as a critical designer he'd give his unsolicited opinion and again unknowingly take away my freedom of expression by accident when he was only trying to help, he was unaware on how his comments hit me in a very different way and I was unable to communicate that to him, explain, or make him aware. That relationship ended by unrelated reasons when I was 22, in May. Just over a year ago. It was very hard to deal with the breakup and he remains as my only in-real-life friendship/social interaction other than my mom and occasionally grandparents.

I am currently 23 years old, I want to try to recover/reclaim my life, my voice, my creative power, creative expression, writing, drawing on paper, doing digital art. I started by beginning in oil painting, my paintings are unfinished and have been sitting in my shelves for months now with no new alterations. I feel like writing and I know not what to write about because there is this huge block which is something in between a creative block and a sense of danger/unsafe in my chest.

I feel like drawing on paper but I don't even try all the progress I worked so hard on making in my skills between 12 and 15 was totally lost. I don't know what to draw anymore (nothing comes to mind) and when I try it feels like everything is too ugly. Digital art is even worst. It's worth mentioning I lost any precision I had with a pen or pencil (I also shake a lot due to Anxiety and PTSD). So I decided to focus on other areas of life, started college online in a unrelated subject, while pursuing this technical degree online I'm also trying entrance exams for another university in a totally different bachelor (psychology) to do both at the same time.

I made projects that would suit well this focus on other areas:

Finishing oil paintings.

Reading Tarot/Sibilla/Lenormand professionally.

Teaching English conversation.

I have not taken a single step forward in any of those. It's like I'm petrified into staring at the computer and doing the same things over and over again:

Studying

Talking to online friends

Browsing random knowledge

Reading random books

I have lost my capability to organize my life/tasks and move things forward, completely. The only thing I'm moving forward is college which is now on break.

The wish to express myself creatively is calling me constantly, yet the block still stops me. The biggest advance I made towards that is rambling about my personal life in this anonymous page which I'm constantly paranoid about being linked to my identity or figured out by anyone in real life (specially my ex who's my only friend, or the closest I got to one. He has my back in a lot of stuff) for no special reason other than the feeling of unsafe exposure.

I will keep on trying to improve my organization. I will keep on trying to regain my power of self-expression, be it artistic, textual, visual, and even someday verbal! I know this will be a long battle, and any support is welcome since I have no means to express to anyone irl (other than my therapist) that I need that support. I must not give up even if any drawbacks shove me straight back in my isolated cave. I hope someday I'll be able to produce quality art again, in texts or images, and post it here, and eventually somewhere not anonymous. If I get there, I will be proud. I just don't know how to start or what to even try first, but somehow I will figure, wing it! Any advice is welcome. If you read this far, thank you very much for giving so much attention to this fragment of the story of my life, that truly is much appreciated.

Thank you, Tumblr. This is indeed an amazing website.

#personal #long post #storytime #I shall not give up #never give up #hope #this got long #way too long #way too personal #doing my best #stubborn optimism #tw ptsd #trauma recovery #self expression #creative expression #creative writing #writing community #anxiety #selective mutism

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abysscronica · 2 years

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Yo~~ ngl, I didn’t even notice birdie’s possessive behavior until that ask pointed it out 😂. but now it makes me wonder, what do aokiji and kid think of this? Ik kid’s possessive af, but i feel like he’d find possessive behavior annoying. As for aokiji, i just realized you prob can’t answer due to Bonds spoilers lol.

But now i’m wondering: if birdie decided to go along with tsuru and her legion, do you think birdie would be less messed up?? I’m beyond curious on birdie and aokiji’s past, and think (in my head anyway) that he’s somehow the cause to her behavior, like not following orders and just being difficult. But anyways, looking forward to when you get to Bonds!! Also, if I may ask for a tiny hint, will we get to see any kizaru/birdie interactions thru flashbacks maybe?

Hey, thank you for the ask! Sorry it took a while for me to get to it.

Let's get to the Kid part right away: a possessive birdie turns him on. I'm with you that he normally would find possessiveness (directed to him) very annoying, and he wouldn't stand for it with the random women he was messing around before, buuut... because birdie is such a tsundere, and he loooves teasing her, he gets off by seeing her getting jealous, and it amuses him when she tries to get his attention back. Because she always tries to play it cool like she's not really smitten with him, Kid loves seeing her forced to show her feelings. I guess everything is different when it's someone you really care for. 🤷‍♀️

Now, Aokiji! There are some hints in Captive that may partially answer your doubts, so I can get into them without turning spoilerish.

More than annoying, he finds birdie's possessiveness toward him somewhat concerning. Aokiji knows she's not independent and idealizes him way too much. We subtly get this feeling in a few instances: he wants her to decide for herself what to do with the ancient books, he leaves her alone during the ball so she can handle the social situation on her own and, at the very end, he wants her to say that she will be fine without him (which she fails to). There are other examples in the flashbacks.

At the same time, he doesn't do enough to address this issue, and it's not clear why. Did Aokiji really want her by his side all the time? Was it convenient? Did he think about her like his daughter? Was he simply too lazy? Because of this, yes, he enabled birdie's toxic/asocial/headstrong traits through her teens, so they dragged into her twenties and she never really learned how to connect with others.

The thing is, like you pointed out, we do not get Aokiji's POV in Captive, so it's hard to make out what he thinks. It's clear he cares about her to some extent, but not much else. You'll get some clarification in Bonds, although you'll probably have to wait for the very end.

I'd love to write some birdie/Kizaru interaction! I'll see if I can sneak something in Bonds.

Lastly, what if birdie had accepted Tsuru's invitation to enter her squad? Her social skills and behavior would be more developed, but... she likely would be just as unhappy. Birdie doesn't do well with women (she doesn't do well with humans, actually, but there are better chances with men), so she would probably feel like an outsider all the time anyway.

What could've actually been a game changer was joining Smoker's G5. There's mutual respect between birdie and Smoker/Tashigi, she could truly connect with them in due time. Plus, G5 men are the rascals of the Marines: birdie could do great among them. Not only she would benefit from a greater degree of freedom (with Smoker's trust), but as she rises through the ranks, she would have to keep in line men that are just as difficult as her, so she'd learn first-hand how much of a pain in the ass she is/was. Furthermore, birdie and Tashigi could have become true friends.

Yes, this is one of the very few scenarios in which birdie really finds her place in the Marines. Had Aokiji won the duel and become the new Fleet Admiral, he probably would have sent birdie to Smoker.

#captive #eustass kid x birdie #aokiji #one piece marines #tsuru #smoker #tashigi

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regulatedchaos · 5 months

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16th Month today

I keep thinking about him being surprised id still want him after everything that happened.

It was not an easy decision for me, when he left last 10/11 I was crushed prolly cos I've been drained of the daily situation I wasn't even aware of, didn't even suspect anything. And then November came I realized that it's been happening since September, he's not been okay for a long time. I feel sad and felt like I could've done better in taking care of him but I have to console myself somehow too, cos I have a living thing inside of me.

The first few weeks of him leaving was so difficult, iregretted a lot of things. I felt like I gave in too soon, I felt like I let my guard down, felt like all of these years of taking care of myself, loving, healing myself and then suddenly I gave myself away willingly for this man I barely knew. I was certain that I'd be a single mom whilst I let him love his wild fun 20s young life.

I didn't really know I really love him until I started missing him. Even tho I tried to veer away from my feelings of him by how much we disagrees, how much stubborn he is, how I have to ask him repeatedly for chores and seen that he doesn't wanna do most of them, procrastination at its best, still kept thinking what else did he lie about, is he really cheating on me made me realized how I tried to convert my feelings for him into hate, into resentment. It worked for a few weeks. I'm imagining how am I gonna build my own empire on my own while taking care of my parents and papicito and that I wouldn't be involved with anyone else. (Justgot tired of men, in general) I just knew. I am on my own and I will forever be. BUT I WILL BE FINE. in fact, I was confident I will be more than fine.

But then when I sent him my first letter merely to let him feel less lonely and show support, I couldn't help but cry when I was hesitant to tell him I miss him and then everything struck me, I remember everything. How he takes care of me how he loves me and assures me everything will be alright and helps me handle my overthinking instances on a daily. How he never misses a day to call me pretty and then my thoughts of never giving him another chance just diminished. Like how can I not start over with this guy. Like life fucked him so much but he still had so much love to give so much kindness that I've seen and felt like it's possible that Ive been surrounded by failed relationships and made me not a fan of weddings anymore. Just thinking about it just scary. Like submitting myself more to someone and giving him a chance and an opportunity to cheat and lie to you like. Can anyone be really be happily married?

Today I got answer to the question that's been lingering and I've been seeing on mom's face, why give him another shot, us, another shot I mean i was the one who never gave second chances in the first place and I made mom aware of that and when she prolly noticed I changed my mind that prolly got her confused.

I realized he is the only person I wanna be with like when we didn't have any communication, talking to other guys didn't even crossed my mind (I just thought about this when I he said maghahanap nako ng iba) but instead I updated him everyday through messenger about what's going on with me on a daily, how much I miss him, my moments with Papicito.

I mean it just got to me, how can I not want this person who's trying to be the best version of himself. It's beyond winning the lottery like a lot of people are just stuck with their partners not even considering adjusting or acknowledging their toxicity and shitty traits while me, I have mine working on himself FOR himself for his son's and my benefit. Like when I realized that I never have loved him more. I can't wait to spend all my living days with this person and made me value our relationship and time with him more like all the love I feel for him outweighed all pain I endured that's been caused by shit, everything. Like I didn't have as much questioning why I'm hurting why do I always give so much and still be treated like shit.

Everything's started to be clear. As I'm tryping this and sobbing right now, we are each other's person, reason to be better. And I have so much to work on myself more. And even though we are far away I can feel how strong his love for me is than ever before, and I can't remember being this much in love in a wholistic like mature way of loving. Selfless yet selfish. Thoughtful and kind. And I just can't wait to be with him again.

These hormones don't get tired huh? Can't see what I'm typing anymore cos of these fooken tears.

I love you, papii. I have never had this clarity in my life that I'm no longer questioning what's going on anymore but more on looking forward with everything our future has to offer. With my crazy overthinking mind that I don't even trust, I've never been so sure in my life. Like it's you.

It's always been you.

Only 5 more months ✨

21Nov23

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diary-of-a-teenage-cultleader · 7 months

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Diary Entry #5

Today's Date is Sunday Oct. 15th, 2023. Current time: 12:42 a.m.

Dear Diary, and to anyone who reads this,

So, I'm back, maybe for good, maybe not.

Let's start our story with what's happened in the last 2 years...

J and I fell in love, and we've met twice in person now, even visited his country. He asked me to be his on December 1st, 2021. Our 2 year anniversary is coming up, though he did reject me in the beginning between fear of commitment and my mental instability, which in retrospect, I understand. Which I will explain now.

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, the type of Bipolar where your depressive episodes last longer than your manic episodes. My emotions fluctuate heavily and I tend to switch up daily, though I've been stuck in a depressive episode since I've returned from Europe.

Doll, Leaf, GT and I have started work as sex workers, though GT is taking a step back due to a traumatic event that I'd rather not explain, even if no one reads this.

I've made at least $150 in the last year from sex work alone, and even gained a sub, he's friendly enough but I'd rather not talk about that right now.

I've moved in with my biological father, I basically have the apartment to myself since he's never here and frequently leaves me on my lonesome. I have to learn new hobbies and activities to keep myself from losing my mind.

I've learned to play ukulele, which I'm very proud of, and I've learned to paint, and wood carve. I've discovered a passion for language I never knew I had. I've grown an interest in DnD and hope to create a group soon.

I believe I'm non-binary, I've been having these feelings for the last year and a half now, dressing and flipping between gender presentation really makes me happy, but I still don't relate with the girl identity enough to be genderfluid, though I may be overthinking it.

But enough about me, well, at least talking about random things. I'll tell you about today, if you're still listening:

Today, I chatted with J for a short time today after I woke up late, he seemed reasonably stressed since his mom tends to randomly dump her feelings in random breakdowns recently, making my boyfriend feel as though he needs to constantly do better and he has to help her, I can't tell him that he might be traumatized from always being the emotional step stool for his mom.

So, I've been holding in my emotions about everything I've been feeling lately, as to not burden him, both good and bad. I don't want to be overbearing with my love, and I don't want him to worry about my mental breakdowns over missing him so much. He was upset that I didn't suggest something I should do for him when I left, I think he was stressed about wasting time because I was busy getting ready to go carve pumpkins with my dad's girlfriend's family. I felt terrible since he cancelled his family plans for me, but I even offered to stay and he said no, I just don't know how to help him sometimes, I accidentally got really blunt with him about needing to go to therapy, I just feel like I'm supposed to be his emotional support but he doesn't tell me upfront what he needs sometimes. I get it, it's annoying if you have to do it all the time, but I'm trying my best, and still learning. I'm just scared he's gonna realize that I'm not the best possible partner and leave. Everyone who was important to me left without a word of why. I know I can be problematic sometimes but I swear with every fiber of my being that I am working to make a better man of myself. Especially to him. I even wrote a little poem explaining my feelings over my life at the moment.

I know it may be a bit harsh to read but it's the truth of how my life has been so far, I recognize to others, I will be a burden. I hope to fix this, but if not, I'm not even sure what I would do with myself.

My boyfriend said he wanted to make me feel bad, to help him, I'm not sure if it's toxic or not. I feel like there's some toxic traits from both ends that need to be worked on. I need to stop changing myself for him, I've before put my whole schedule around him, defied my parents for him, nearly abandoned my friends because he didn't like them. I wanted to spend so much time with him. He makes me feel bad sometimes, that I keep him from having friends because I can be a bit jealous, but I told him that I'm not worried about it anymore, I've grown over it. I'm scared I traumatized him. I'm scared that I manipulate him. I don't want to do those things. I never want to hurt him... I'm just so stressed with the idea that I'm a terrible partner. I apologize, this was meant to be a diary entry, not a vent. But back to the entry, I went pumpkin carving and talked with my dad about stuff and it went about as well as talking to my dad usually does, he over shares, but at least I made a cute pumpkin and got s'mores. Which was nice. I'll include pics here:

So I suppose the day didn't end too bad, it just hurt that my bf left me on delivered. He may have fallen asleep. I'll talk to him in the morning but hopefully things can be talked about. Thank you for listening to my rant, whoever could get through this whole thing.

Thanks, Diary

STRD:

RIIST:

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ayuda-perdon-duelo · 1 year

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I knew all along the person I had by my side, I didn't need to break up with him to know how much of a unique, wonderful and amazing person he is, I didn't need to experience a new relationship, a chaotic one, in order to see all the amazing things he did, and still does for me. Ever since I met him we clicked, we aligned, we resonate in such a beautiful harmony. I love him, I love his eyes, I get lost in that innocent shine I see in his eyes every time he smiles, every time he laughs... I love how his pressence makes me wanna improve in every possible aspect. How why?!?!? I'm a fucking monster. How could I betray that? How could I betray such a pure love? How could I betray those eyes that look at me with such great love?!?! I'M A MONSTER. Mom... I'm scared of whom I have become. Am I a bad person? I am stuck in the fact... in the fact that I betrayed the person I love most. I didn't do it for the sake of it, I didn't do it to hurt him, I wasn't looking to do this! I was not!!! I felt lonely, my depression got me spiraling, I felt left aside... you always tried your very best, and always did an amazing job on being emotionally available for me whenever I needed you, even if it was through Discord, even if we couldn't see eachother. I truly hate myself for having been on a point in which that was not enough for me, I hate myself for being in such a low that needed extra physical affection. I hate myself, I do hate myself. Please, please, please forgive me. I need to see your sweet face when days get dark, when mornings are tough, I need to see your smile when I accomplish things that make me proud. I need you, I want you in my life. I wish I didn't make you go through all the garbagge you had to ecperience in order to support me while I was on that toxic, chaotic relationship... I somehow am stuck with a feeling that, of you weren't tired from that, I wouldn't be as scared of telling you the truth, but all that took a toll on you. Then I ask myself, would I forgive him if he did that to me, under the same circumstances? And I feel hypocritical, I would get somehow angry, but I would feel bad... it would take some time to build the trust again, but I would forgive him, particularly him. I don't know if I would forgive anybody else, if I ever date anybody else, which to be honest, I don't want to. I told my therapist this, and I also told you... If my romantic relationship isn't with you, I don't want a romantic relationship. I want my romance to live with you. My therapist asked me what was our situation, and what would happen in the case that someone who checked all the physical traits broxes showed up... I told her about our situationship, love. I call it that because, we haven't started officially dating, right? Andto her second question, I told her that no matter how good looking another guy could be, if it isn't you, I don't want anything. I'd rather be alone. I love you, your personality, your silly sense of humour, how dark that sense of humour can be at time, I love the way you view the world, your perspective on life, I love you, you make me want to grow, you make me want to be better, kinder, softer, wiser, smarter, you inspire me, you lit my chest on fire, you motivate me. I am the wealthiest woman in this planet when I'm around that adorable smile of yours, those calm eyes and those rosy cheeks. I'm a monster... a fucking monster. I don't want to loose you, that's why I'm so willing to live with the guilt hurting my chest, I deserve it, and the idea... the thought of there being a possibility of you leaving kills me. Nicolás, I want you in my life. I want to love you, protect you, support you, I want to be by your side... And no, it's not guilt talking, that's all I've ever wanted. Please, let me fix my mistakes, please stay, please allow me to show you that I can do things right, that I am the person you have always trusted. I made a mistake, a disgusting, very big one, but please, stay. Allow me to be in your life, I'm begging you.

-Things I haven't said, but probably should.

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celestial-sapphicss · 2 years

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I'd like to chime in with my opinion on the Pat/Pa sibling dynamics.

I'm an older sibling (we're both girls, though) and I can confirm that "bossing the younger sibling around" is a thing that happens. In my case, I definitely did it when we were kids and when I was in high school, for example. I mean, it wasn't to the extent where I'd tell her to do my chores all the time, but still. So I didn't see Pat's behaviour as strange or entitled at all.

On the other hand, Pat did make me roll my eyes a few times because we can't ignore the fact that he's a guy that wants to delegate what should be his housework onto a girl, which is not uncommon when it comes to men (anywhere, not just in Thailand/Asia). Also, with the way Pat's family is quite patriarchal (his dad really has a lot of those "toxic masculinity" traits, lbr), it stands to reason that Pat would pick some of that behaviour up (because that's just what kids do and as they grow into adults, it stays with them and they have to unlearn it). However, to say he's treating Pa "like a slave" and imply that their relationship is somehow unhealthy is way too harsh/not true.

Sure, he tells Pa to do his laundry but when she's upset with him (for not keeping his promise about Pran) and tells him "do your own laundry" he doesn't object and go pester her to do it. He just sighs and lets it go. He's not forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to. When she moves in with him, he lets her take the bed and a bigger share of the bedroom. But what really showed me that he respects her as a woman (and didn't pick up his dad's mysogyny) was when Wai asked him for permission to date her and his response was "I'll let her decide." I'm bringing this up because SO many times in media we have this portrayal of guys asking the girl's father or older brother for permission to date/marry them and having to get their blessing first. Again, this isn't just an Asian thing, it happens in American/European shows and movies to this day (actually, just today my parents were watching an American movie and I happened to catch a scene where a guy was having dinner with the "in-laws" and asked the father's permission to marry his daughter and it was treated as totally normal, which infuriated me). So the fact that Pat went against that notion and was instead like "it's HER decision" (as it should be, because no man should speak on behalf of a woman's decision on who to date) made me love him even more than I already did by that point.

Anyways, I've rambled on for too long already. 😅 Like you said, Pat has flaws (as does every character) but to say he was horrible to Pa is just untrue.

hi anon! thank you for sharing this!!!!

first of all, never apologise for rambling i appreciate it! all that you said 💯

"On the other hand, Pat did make me roll my eyes a few times because we can't ignore the fact that he's a guy that wants to delegate what should be his housework onto a girl, which is not uncommon when it comes to men (anywhere, not just in Thailand/Asia)." - this, yeahh. not only is it very common, but this behaviour is often encouraged. like some of the reasons I've heard in defence of men avoiding their part of the work and putting it on the women in their families are bizarre. and women are expected to pick up that slack.

and while that discussion is very important, like you said, it's not completely applicable to pat & pa because they do share a relationship where both of them have equal footing, as you already mentioned!

also talking about "I'll leave it to her decision" honestly just blew my mind away because the "approval of older brother trope" is SO PREVALENCE and SO TOXIC i literally have never seen a piece of media where the older brother actually leaves it up to their sister's decision, let alone say it 🤦

i can't really comment on it everywhere else, but in India, this trope is glorified to an extent that it gets violent. not to ignore the fact that it's very real. elder brothers feel entitled to make decisions for their younger sister's lives.

instead of being approachable and a confidant for their younger sister, they try and act like a parent, and yet another person young girls have to hide their lives from.

but pat & pa are definitely not that. not only pa trusts pat to no extent (he was literally the first person in the family she came out to) but also they have that trust and affection for each other that goes beyond just "older brother protecting younger sister"

pat & pa share the burden that their toxic family puts on them and do try to protect each other from it and i think that's beautiful

#it really would have been easy for pat to ask wai to just back off #especially since wai is an asshole #but he literally trusted pa's judgement enough to decide what's good for her #and didn't try to coddle pa or invalidate her feelings #or say stuff like #you're just a child you don't know #or #you're a girl you don't know how boys are #and other bs #truly best boy #bare minimum? idk but #so refreshing to see a boy raised in such a toxic patriarchal environment #and not turn into one #instead be a golden retriever sunshine boy #really goes on to say that yes you can unlearn toxicity if you make an effort #vi's inbox #bad buddy

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creatingnikki · 3 years

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Hi. I came from a very toxic relationship, which has brought me this huge emotional trauma, and is keeping me from fully enjoying my new relationship, which I'd say is the best one I've ever had. I am so much happier because he accepted me for who I am and is always trying his best to make me feel loved. For the first time, I'm someone's priority; all my efforts are reciprocated. He's everything my ex wasn't.

However, I don't know how to stop the overthinking, insecurities, paranoia and all those stuff. I always feel like I'm not enough, even if he tells me a million times that I am. I always feel like he's going to leave me eventually because he's gnna get tired of me overly analyzing everything, or he's probably gnna find someone who's better than me—someone who's not as damaged as I am.

I feel like my insecurities grew 10x after that toxic relationship and I'm scared that although I've already moved on from that person, I'm still dealing with that relationship's aftermath. Everything I need, everything that I'm looking for is right in front of me, but I'm scared that this baggage might just ruin everything.

Sorry for the hella long post. 😬

Thoughts?

Hi,

Hmm, there's a lot to unpack there.

Firstly, I am glad you're out of your toxic relationship and with a person who treats you well. Secondly, you can't be 'damaged' - you're a human not a product in a store. I know we all use such language for ourselves but I think that's the first baby step - regulate the way you talk to yourself + talk about yourself. What the hell. Let me list it out.

1. Regulate the way you talk to yourself + about yourself. To make this more actionable, think of the shitty thing you want to say and then think would you say that to your 10-year-old self or say a dear friend. Then you can try to replace that sentence with something more factual and less unfair and loaded.

2. Use the past tense. I "used" to be someone who would overthink. I "used" to be someone who thought I was unworthy. Even if these are currently your insecurities, using the past tense will at first trick your brain but eventually, it will stop needing you to carry the burden of these personality traits into your future.

3. Toxic and or traumatic relationships are hard to heal from. And it's very natural to compare a current non-toxic/traumatic relationship to the past one. But I'll say stop. Mostly because comparing can make you put the current person on a pedestal. I'm sure they are great. But I've made the mistake of such comparison and then in retrospect realized that the "new" person wasn't all that great either. They just weren't abusive/toxic. And that's a very low bar.

4. Why do you feel like you're not enough? I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this but this insecurity is not linked to a romantic partner but to your concept of self-worth and identity. You need to dig deeper about why you feel this way and then try to rationalize all the dark thoughts that want to bring you down.

Like to be candid here I always think I'm not enough because I am overweight. I'm not enough because I house too many emotions. But that only means those are things I personally have issues with. Like I think I am not enough. I have a problem with being overweight and or thinking too much. Because rationally - the people I have dated literally didn't think of either of the two things as a problem. These were non-issues for them. Cos like you said, "I always feel like I'm not enough, even if he tells me a million times that I am".

5. I obviously do not know if you do this but I have been there when I was vulnerable and hurting and I sought too much validation from this guy and 50% of our relationship was just him ensuring that I am awesome, beautiful, kind, worthy, lovable, etc etc. While that didn't push him away, it definitely imbalanced the power dynamics and it doesn't matter at first but it gets problematic later.

6. Everyone comes with baggage. Remember to not be so busy focusing on yours that you forget his. This isn't to hold it against him but just to be aware. I think since we all come with baggage all we can do is support each other as we work our way through decluttering through it over time.

I hope this helps!

Do remember I do not know you or your present or past relationships - these are just my thoughts based on what you shared and my personal experiences. So don't think too much about something I said here that doesn't vibe with you.

Good luck xx

#healing #moving on #toxic people #toxic relationship #self reflection #lists #notes to self #note to everyone #spilled ink #creatingnikki

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edengarden · 3 years

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Heyyyy! Can I request a haikyuu match up if you're able (an mha one would be ok too if you write for that, idc which one🙂)

Positive traits:

-i am very good for people to vent to. Usually I can empathize with your situation even if I've never been there, and I'd say I give good advice that usually works

-i pick up other people's hobbies and passions so they have someone to talk to about it, and even if it's not my thing, I can usually vibe with it and enjoy it

- I can leave my problems at the door. I usually don't like forcing my bad mood or issues onto people so I keep it in until an appropriate time and setting

Negative traits:

-i am very emotionally bipolar and have a social battery that can die on me randomly. I bottle up my emotions and usually don't share until I absolutely have to

- I can be extremely toxic at times without realizing. I usually try to make up for it once I recognize my behavior, but it doesn't change the fact that I was/am toxic and hurtful

- I have a lot of commitment and trust issues from ✨trauma✨ and struggle to let new people into my life, and I feel restrained and forced and hurt if I realize I'm stuck in something I don't want to be in. (I usually pity my friends and close ones for having to put up with me ghosting them at random times to clear my thoughts or for having breakdowns and mass vents)

- speaking of the pity, I try to push people away if i believe I'm hurting them. I slowly stop talking to them, fake uninterest, and try to find replacements because I believe it's for the better of them

Hobbies:

-i play a lot of instruments, and i learn really fast so i end up finding a new instrument i want to play once every other month or so

- I like to listen to songs, specifically musicals/theater and recognize the musical themes and the songwriting clues (kinda like the m tea series on tiktok if anyone's seen it)

- I really like flowers and am planning to be a florist/floral designer someday

-i have this weird obsession with learning new languages

Additional stuff:

-music taste: Jesus it changes every week- right now though, in vibing with summer themed songs, punk rock, classical, movie soundtracks, and hadestown

-traits I look for: humor, I like someone who can make me laugh a shit ton; patience, someone who can put up with me and understand that I have issues that I'm coping with; affection, someone who can be affectionate because I am touchstarved and my love language is touch. I don't like pda but i don't mind a bit like holding hands and stuff; I don't really care about appearance, but preferably someone taller than me (I'm 5'5)

-rapid fire facts: my birthday is on the weird transition day of zodiacs, so technically I'm a leo and a cancer; I'm an infp; I've hit literally every hogwarts house, but rn I'm a hufflepuff; I am a part of the alphabet mafia (specifically non-binary (questioning genderfluid?) they/them, and pan)

Jeez that was a lot- but thank you if you see this and i hope you have a good day/night/evening

I’m matching you up with Osamu!

You picking up Osamu’s hobby and encouraging his interest in cooking would be ADORABLE. Kitchen dates are a must. Despite him being calmer, which might be a plus considering your social battery, I can see you two bickering a lot, even though none of it really means anything. It’s more like a form of affection, really, it entertains you two.

Speaking of which, I don’t see him being that big on PDA either. He likes to be around you though, and he’ll place a hand around your waist or hold your hand but that’s only if he can guarantee that no one’s going to bother you two about it. In private though he loves either hugging you from behind or you doing that to him. It’s so funny when you’re trying to go about your day, doing your stuff and you have this guy clinging to you and forcing you to drag him around bc he doesn’t want to let you go.

Osamu’s rather stubborn, so I doubt if you ever end up pushing him away that he’ll accept it right away. He understands that you’re coping with trauma and he’ll be patient and ask you how he can help, but he won’t allow you to leave him without a definite and proper excuse.

#haikyuu #haikyuu matchup #miya osamu

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supernovaken · 3 years

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Why I don’t like Sanji - One Piece Discussion

Sanji used to be one of my favourite characters up there with the other two-thirds of the monster trio, mostly because of his calm attitude, debonair persona and strategic thinking. A lot of people enjoy the swagger he brings to the Straw-Hat crew’s dynamic, and the way his personality compares and contrasts with everyone's favourite swordsman Roronoa Zoro.

Don’t get me wrong, this post isn’t a Sanji bash, and it certainly isn’t the Sanji vs Zoro toxic rant that we have in the fan base, so if that’s what you came here looking for it may be best to click away now. Hopefully I still get the click bait credit hahahaha [laughs in evil].

All I'm trying to do here is delve into Sanji as a character; from his introduction into the storyline through to his current state of characterisation, along with how my impression of Sanji has changed over the course of the so far 1000 One Piece chapters GOda has blessed the world with.

I work on the rule that once a chapter is animated it is no longer considered spoiler territory and my main focus will be on the Whole Cake Island Arc and the character nuances presented leading up to that. I’ll be avoiding discussing anything happening in Wano mainly due to the fact that I haven’t seen much in terms of new characterisation for Sanji - so before anyone jumps down the comments with the argument that it all makes sense during Wano, i’d say just give that one a miss.

Anyone who isn’t caught up with the anime, here’s your fair warning…

Let me tell you Why I Don’t Like Sanji

Throughout the story Sanji has always been the more aloof, somewhat guarded character in the crew - at least on a surface level. His introduction was as the charming pirate restaurant chef that had a way with words and a ferocity when it came to his food. The Baratie Arc is where we were introduced to the rough and tumble fighting chef and most importantly where we were shown his passion; for women, family, life and of course food. Skip forward an odd 800 chapters and although we are shown moments that may have seemed slightly off putting for the character (don’t even get me started)... where I really lost touch with Sanji was during the Whole Cake Island Arc (WCI).

Caveat

Now I've had a few back and forths over this online so I want to make a few things clear from the offset. The issues that I will be delving into are all from a character and characterization point of view.

I have no issues with the plot of WCI but I did feel that Sanji wasn’t being himself (or at least the version of Sanji as a character that I along with many other fans had gotten to know up til this point).

I’ll be breaking down my understanding of the plot as best I can going off all the information we have on it and I'll be evidencing what I say with Manga panels to reduce the amount of dispute I'm likely to get from this.

Saying that, I will ask that as you run through this you allow a little room for perspective. I will be commenting on Sanji and the decisions he made at the point in time that he was making them, this means that we’ll need to come from a perspective of understanding all the information that was available to Sanji at the time, not just what the audience knew or what other characters were planning or doing. In order to comment on Sanji's behaviour we have to go off what he knows in the moments he takes action.

Whole Cake Island

Before I go into Sanji's character throughout the story here's a quick synopsis of everything that happens in the WCI

After arriving at Zou and dealing with a few Beast Pirate stragglers, Sanji was essentially taken hostage; physically through the Power of Bege’s Castle-Castle Fruit, then later with the use of the exploding cuffs, and taken hostage emotionally through the threat made on Zeffs life and the immediate threat Bege posed on the members of the Straw-Hat crew that were there at the time.

The plan was to use Sanji in a political wedding to unite the Charlotte Family/Big Mom Pirates with the Vinsmoke Family. Being a political wedding there were motivations on boths sides to attain the power offered by the other; and thanks to an underlying conspiracy plot led by Big Mom, the plan was to kill Sanji along with the Vinsmoke family and take their technology.

Fortunately the plan was ruined by non-other than our very own Straw-Hat Luffy and his pals (after an initial skirmish with Sanji's Black leg), and Sanji returned to the crew as they escaped a rampaging Big Mom.

My issues with Sanji that crept up over the course of the arc:-

Sanji left the crew (albeit to protect Zeff but more on this later)

Sanji attacked his Captain

The timing for when Sanji returned to the crew (AFTER he discovered pudding was gonna betray him)

For that third point I'd like to put heavy emphasis on ‘timing’. I don’t have any issue with the fact that he returned, I love Sanji as a member of the Straw-Hat Pirates and it’s clear the dynamic is not the same without him. I also don’t have an issue with how he returned to the crew as the way he broke down in front of Luffy was one of the most heart-string pulling, tear-jerking scenes of WCI (although I will be getting into his apology/ lack of one in that scene). But the timing of his decision to return to the crew really irritated me as a long time fan of the character, all I could ask was, after everything that’s happened, why now?

Leaving the Crew

Pre timeskip the story addresses a lot of themes surrounding the topic of what it meant to be a Straw-Hat pirate. All the way back in East blue where the story of the Straw-Hat crew was born we were given storylines around the value of friendship (NAKAMA!!), the important roles each member had, their individual struggles against adversity up to the point Luffy came to save their spirits and ignite their dreams. And we had all that both for Sanji and with Sanji as he experienced the emotional battles every member of the crew faced when they came into contact with their soon to be Captain, (including Usopp's turmoil at Water 7).

He knew what it meant for each member to join Luffy and he knew what it meant to leave the crew. He experienced first hand with Nami, Luffy didn’t believe Nami would steal from them and kill Usopp even though she had only been with him for a short time. And he waited for her response to challenge Arlong.

When Usopp clashed with Luffy at Water 7, Sanji was there knowing what it meant for a crewmate to clash with his captain and the weight of leaving the crew. He lashed out at Luffy when he was about to say something reckless,

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji lashes out at Luffy's reckless speaking, Chapter 331 page 15]

and after showing he understood Usopp's feelings of inadequacy within the crew he made it clear that everyone has something they can do best when supporting Luffy and the crew. Even still he later agreed with Zoro's reasoning in the epic speech given to Luffy about the importance of respecting your Captain as these are not Pirate games they are playing.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji agrees with Zoro, Chapter 438 page 5]

When Robin left the crew Sanji saw how Luffy responded and without hesitating he was there to challenge an entity as great as the World Government (WG) just to bring her back. He wasn’t even patient enough to wait for the crew on the Sea Train because as Luffy said to Zoro, would any of them have been able to sit back and wait.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji impatient to challenge the World Government, Chapter 367 page 12]

These moments, for me, shaped a character trait in Sanji showing how much he values his crewmates but also shows how relentless both he and Luffy are when it comes to getting someone back. So I couldn’t reconcile this character that we’ve been shown across the story with the one in Zou who thinks it's ok to leave the crew on a false promise to return and think no one in the crew would challenge that decision. A lot of people say that he was planning to come back but even in the moment it was clear to the crew that Sanji was lying.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji’s lie, Chapter 813 page 17]

Nico Robin

I want to compare Sanji’s plan to leave and save the crew against Robin's plan during the Water 7 arc. My aim is to show how similar their reasoning is but why the decision only makes sense from Robin's perspective as a character at the time of her decision and not for Sanji during WCI.

When Robin left the crew it really was to protect a group of people she only just became acquainted with so understandably would not want them facing a power as huge as the World Government or alternatively resenting her for staying with the crew as she’s experienced in the past. Her sacrifice was to protect a crew of 6 people from the full power of the World Government. She had seen their power destroy her home ISLAND in the past so it is very understandable to assume the crew wouldn’t have a chance in hell of surviving an attack.

Robin didn’t know the capability of the Straw-Hats and their willingness to challenge a huge organisation like the World Government. What she did know was the power of the WG and that a normal crew would not survive the immediate threat of a Buster Call along with the power of the CP9 at Water 7.

Robin's wish was for them to be able to leave Water 7 safely which is why Lucci spared them during their battle in Icebergs mansion. Some fans question if the WG would have actioned a Buster Call on Water 7 because without it there was still an option to escape, plus the CP9 were on the island undercover. Why would the government destroy it? Why wouldn’t Robin just run from Water 7 and let the Straw-Hats escape?.

Enies Lobby is a much more important location to the WG than Water 7 due to its position in the world as the Judiciary island. It’s a symbol of the World Governments power. CP-9 were in Ohara when a buster call was actioned which goes to show the lack of hesitation the government had during these attacks, even when its own personnel are on the Island. Also CP-9 as well as a number of government officials, and their families that lived on the island, were on Enies Lobby at the time and in both cases they still attacked without hesitation, they still attacked the island indiscriminately. They had no reason not to attack Water 7 if a buster call was issued, so I don’t see how calling one on Water 7 would have been impossible.

At that time Robin was already aware of that scary power and it had haunted her her entire life, so if it were called on Water 7 assuming the Straw-Hats didn’t chase her (she wouldn’t have accounted for this at the time) it makes sense for her to want to save them from it. Let’s not forget that they really only escaped the Buster Call thanks to a massive Deux Ex Machina. I can suspend disbelief long enough to say a worn down ship was able to traverse ‘Aqua Laguna storm level waves’ and reach another island with no crew or navigator thanks to the power of friendship but damn, lets just call it what it is, Shonen Magic.

CP-9 weren’t on Water 7 to get Robin, they were there on an undercover mission to get the Pluton blueprints from Iceberg, so I’m guessing rather than snatching her and potentially blowing their cover too soon, they met with her to explain the threat they could be to the Straw-Hats and pressure her into coming with them peacefully which was an added benefit of their mission. A well calculated move from Lucci. Also remember that they had recently just lost to Aokiji, who was the shadow behind the threat since a buster call can only be issued on his authority as an Admiral (he gave permission to Spandam after encountering the Straw-Hats). In the end they had to escalate the plan and force Iceburg to give them the blueprints rather than wait for him to hand it over to an apprentice, they assumed if they threatened his life he would hand it over sooner to Paulie, then in the middle of their attack deduced that he had already handed it to Franky years beforehand. (Off topic but basically they had a plan and Robin landing on Water 7 was just a perk they took advantage of).

The bond she got with Luffy and the crew came from having nowhere else to go after Luffy saved her from killing herself at Alabasta, then was reinforced when she realised her dreams weren’t dead in Skypiea with the revelation that the true history of the void century does exist and she only needs to follow the log to the end of the grand line to find it. Even though it was a small timeframe she was able to build that bond with them, but even still it was clear that not enough had happened for her to ever think the Straw-Hats were any match for the WG.

In-world no one would believe that, this is why the Straw-Hats are the only pirates to ever attack Enies Lobby. Even Yonko crews don’t attack the WG without reason or backup of more than a 6 person crew. Even though they survived in the end, at the time it was a deal to protect the crew at the cost of her life so it made sense.

We can see afterwards that she’s grown out of not believing in them as when they got to Zou, Neko and Duke said she’d be a target for being able to read the Poneglyphs - to which she replied it’ll be fine because she had her crew to protect her.

Her deal made all the sense in the world.

Sanji on the other hand benefitted from a much longer, much deeper experience with Luffy and the crew by the time it came to his ‘ultimate sacrifice’. He was there at Water 7 when the entire crew rejected Robin's reasoning (even Usopp) for leaving the crew. He chased her onto the Government filled Train with no guarantees, no background and no hesitation with the greatest takeaway from that arc being to believe in Luffy. That belief in the captain wasn't there when it came to facing off against a member of the Yonko and protecting his extended family - a huge character step back I think.

Sanji's downfall here was not believing in his crew even after experiencing the other side of things with Robin. Why wouldn’t Luffy come for him? He’s never experienced Big Moms power (not that he needed to) in the same way Robin was traumatised by the WG’s display of power in her childhood. He knows enough about his captain to know Luffy would still challenge Big Mom as Luffy had already said he was planning to challenge each member of the Yonko. He had already challenged Big Mom on Fishman Island and the plan to challenge Kaido was already in motion. I understand challenging both at the same time might make him think it’s a bit much, but I disagree with him not bringing the issue to his crew considering all they had been through. It shows the biggest problem of Sanji not believing in Luffy and the crew.

His Faith Wavered

Protecting Zeff

At the time Sanji made the decision to leave the crew he thought Zeff was in danger, a threat delivered by Big Mom. He also believes Big Mom herself would be an added threat too difficult for the Straw-Hats at this time.

I don’t want us to get bogged down in the details of Big Moms plan. I very much agree with the point that she truly didn’t care about Zeff at the Baratie, she only threatened Zeff to get Sanji to the wedding (A Big Mom Tea Party Invitation Standard) in order to lay the trap for Germa.

But character moments all come from the decisions they make based on the information they have at the time. At the time Sanji made the decision to leave the crew, the threat on Zeff was real enough to him so in Sanji’s mind if he ran from the wedding or challenged Bege and Big Mom she probably would have actioned the threat. To Sanji, his only option here was to go along with the wedding.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Vito informing Sanji about the threat on Zeff, Chapter 813 page 9]

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Baron Tamago of the Big Mom pirates giving Judge the leverage they have over Sanji, Chapter 839 page 12]

Battling Luffy

Sanji understood that by getting married he’d automatically force the Straw-Hats into being subordinates of the Big Mom crew. Initially he thought saying he’d handle it himself would be enough to stop Luffy from coming and by officially leaving the crew he’d absolve them from a fate as underlings similar to the portrayal of Bege at the time. (Going back to my initial point I think this reasoning doesn’t make sense as we all know Luffy's character). This is why after Luffy came after him he tried to make it clearer that he'd left the crew and Sanji did this by fighting Luffy and telling him to leave.

When he battled Luffy (who didn’t fight back) it wasn’t over a huge disagreement and insecurity in his own strength like Usopp's battle with Luffy. In fact if we compare this to Usopp's moment when both he and Luffy got heated and ended in a similar battle of pride/ clashing views I see no reason why Sanjis isn’t as bad.

The Luffy vs Sanji clash came about due to a lack of understanding which came about because Sanji had not been clear in explaining his position and why he made this choice to leave the crew, instead he kicked sand in the face of his crew and captain.

I believe he went too far here, although he deep down had good intentions, I see it as a clear showing disrespect. It was all an act with a brave face from Sanji's point of view and Luffy could tell straight away.

Comparatively, Usopp also put on a brave face with an understandable battle for him to establish his place as a pirate, but it was the challenge of Luffy’s authority in itself that was a showing of disrespect to the captain.

In essence it was a clash of pride where Sanji challenged his captain’s abilities, with the belief that his method of dealing with the issue was right and Luffy’s was wrong.

His Respect Wavered.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji vs Luffy, Chapter 843 page 19]

Returning to the Crew

Redemption is a huge part of character development and usually always comes from a lie the character has told to themselves they battle to make a reality. Any story worth its ink will give us characters with strong traits and equally strong flaws that they later resolve within themselves and grow from.

Sanji had a lot of character development during the WCI arc including accepting his past/background, dealing with the trauma caused by his father, his siblings and the death of his mother, and probably quite importantly, believing in himself, his crew and his captain. But there was one character moment that I feel was flawed enough to reduce the impact of his redemption moment and therefore reduce his standing as a character for me… His reconciliation with Luffy.

During the Arlong Park arc Nami lied about her feelings toward the crew and her village. Her redemption came in the form of saving Usopp from death at the hands of Arlong by stabbing through her hand and facilitating his escape, this showed how much she cared about the crew. And her lie towards the villagers was resolved when her backstory was established and showed her intentions to protect them, the redemption here came the moment she asked Luffy for help and also established her belief in her new Captain.

At Enies Lobby Robin lied about her desire to die so as to not live in a world where no one cares for her and see her as a burden. Her redemption came when she acknowledged she does have a place in the world and had finally found people who care about her. She immediately screamed from the top of her lungs that she wanted to live and in doing so established her new found belief in her crew and Captain.

The segmented parts of Water 7 displayed Usopp's lie about being too weak to be part of a crew of ‘monsters’ along with his fear of being discarded due to his lack of belief in his own abilities and the strength of his friendship/place in the crew. His redemption came when he acknowledged that everyone has something they can do that makes them strong even if it's not physically, and his unyielding resolve to save his crew mates when he tagged along for the mission to rescue Robin. Notice that Usopp's flaws never included losing faith in Luffy, his flaw was always pride and the redemption note for his pride was different to Nami and Robins. Usopp had to apologise, direct and on his knees before he could be fully redeemed as a character.

Sanji's storyline in WCI came with a double whammy. Not only did he show a lack of faith in his captain, he also allowed his pride get in the way of showing respect to his captain. A pirate no go area.

Before overhearing Pudding he was resolved to getting married and living his life with her, but when he found out it was a lie why did this change his resolve of protecting the crew and Zeff. I’d say all other factors *at this point* are exactly the same for Sanji and he had already accepted his death (or a version of it through his freedom and his cooking being taken away).

First, technically Zeff was still in danger as far as he knew. ReijI didn’t say Zeff was safe, she asked him to escape, let Germa die and figure it out [what to do about Zeff] afterwards, her reasoning was Big Mom had no interest in Zeff as long as she got Germa, but Sanji wanted to save both. So in Sanji's mind Zeff is still in danger, but now he has an added problem as he wants to save Germa.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Reiju explains the threat on Zeff still exist unless Big Mom gets Germa, Chapter 852 page 16]

Secondly the crew still can’t challenge Big Mom head on. If he had continued with his plan to go through with the wedding, whether they got married or he was killed, his plan still would have worked. Zeff and the Straw-Hats would be safe. The same way Robin would have died at Enies Lobby and Nami would have given her freedom to forever be part of Arlong's crew. At the cost of Sanji’s life his plan would have worked and made sense.

So should I now take this to mean that he really wasn’t resolved to dying for his ideals. (I’m not saying he should have, the entire point of Luffy’s character is a challenge to this statement, believe in Luffy and he’ll fix it)

But for some reason, the moment he discovers the wedding is a sham and Germa is doomed he decides out of desperation that now is the time to return to the crew and ask Luffy for help. It’s not only hypocritical but it’s shameful and damaged Sanji as a character for me.

During his reconciliation with Luffy I’m sure Sanji acknowledges these points when discussing why he can’t go back but he isn’t held accountable for it.

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji 3 reasons Chapter 856 page 12]

[Eiichiro Oda 'One Piece' (1997) Shueisha Weekly Shonen Jump - Sanji 3 reasons Chapter 856 page 13]

Sanji’s redemption, like Nami and Robin, included a moment where he had to re-establish his belief in Luffy and the rest of the crew. But I argue that his cause for losing faith in Luffy was, in the first place, unwarranted and a step backwards for the character.

And unlike Usopps, his redemption did not include a moment of humility where he would need to swallow his pride and apologise to Luffy for putting his own ideals before his captains.

I know in the end everything worked out but at the time Sanji’s actions didn’t make sense for the character I had come to know throughout the story and there was not enough impact in his redeeming moment to allow me to see the character as he once was. Now he’s just that badass monster fighter on the crew and he’ll forever be removed from my list of favourite Straw-Hats. Black Leg Sanji.

#one piece #vinsmoke sanji #nico robin #monkey d luffy #pirate hunter zoro #big mom #charlotte linlin

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