#i’ve had this post in my drafts for months whatever I’ll come back if I find more moments

[fumifooms]

Chilchuck Tims has 4 daughters

Izutsumi’s relationship with the whole party is very fun and heartwarming, and her relationship with each party member has something unique and special, but besides Senshi being the mama hen I really love how Chilchuck looks after Izutsumi in a father-ish way. He’s the only one in the party that sees her like an actual human girl lol. He treats her with respect while not letting himself be walked over, and I think there’s something to be said about it, esp since Chilchuck knows how it’s like to be infantilized and pet like a cute thing much like our favorite catgirl. He does handle her like a guy who has 3 adult daughters, parenting instincts kicking in

Listen I knooow the party is breaking up with the end approaching but I’ve been thinking a lot about if Izutsumi decided to stick with anyone and I think it’d be really nice if she stayed with Chilchuck. I love Chilchuck’s store so much, I have so many headcanons and fic plans involving it, but listen.  I feel like Chilchuck would be a good person to look after her, she’s still a teen and shown not to be mature enough to know what to do with herself and feed herself right yet, she could become Chilchuck’s store mascot like a cat that’s always lounging inside hehe.  He gains another sort-of-daughter and she keeps her favorite pillow, a loss-loss deal on his end but Chilchuck is too responsible to not take her in if needed mwahahaha Izutsumi would have no remorse, he’s ready to suffer for her comfort

Ok girl we get it he’s your dad

#dungeon meshi #chilchuck tims #izutsumi #brotp #i’ve had this post in my drafts for months whatever I’ll come back if I find more moments #i wanna make a post about izutsumi laios moments too they’re so funny #laios is inutade except cat lover you can’t change my mind #this is a non-laios post ik but aorry my laios stan is coming out in the tags #i love how even the sleeping habits are so fleshed out #marcille is kinda like a surrogate mother to her now that i think of it parallels and whatnot omfg #i must stay cool and collected and not let my MarChil show #chil speaks to izutsumi with respect and no condescension and he understands her and ughhh i love them #I NEED THIS. I NEED MORE THEM. #not me looking up to Chilchuck like a father figure comforting to me too no hush #I keep editing in more panels I find help #Compilation #inexhaustive. Like there is so much of chil fathering izu out there

[tas01]

HOW I IGNORE THE 3D

I see so many posts asking about how to ignore the 3D. As someone who was truly OBSESSED and CLUNG to the 3D for months on end, I want to share some things that have helped me. I’d say in the last few weeks, even days, my perspective has immensely shifted and I feel like the 3D now has little to no power over me.

Here are some 3D reminders:

1. It is just a mirror of your mindset! What you focus on in your mind is what you see/notice in your 3D. Therefore….

2. It is old news! 3D is just displaying what your old thoughts have been focused on; there’s a lag between imagination and 3d. So when you see something you don’t like, remind yourself it’s just catching up and processing your old negative shiz. Keep the positive shiz alive in your mind as much as possible and you’ll eventually start seeing the positive stuff reflecting you in the 3D.

3. It DOESN'T matter. Let’s say you did manifest some pretty unfavorable circumstances, trust I have too and it sucks but, do you know how fast circumstances can change? Do you know how often someone gets a new job? Moves? Breaks up? Shit is changing 24/7. Nothing you see in the 3D is permanent. Nothing you see in the 3D is unchangeable.

4. The 3D is the movie of your life. This analogy is used so much but you are the main character, the director, and most importantly the writer of the movie of your life. All the people in your life are merely the supporting characters you have chosen to write in your story. Choose the story you give them. Choose the story you give yourself. As a result, the 3D will merely play it all out, like on a movie screen but instead with your eyes. When you're seeing unfavorable 3D shit, know that you need to go back to your rough draft of the movie and rewrite something within it because you wrote whatever it was that you didn’t like. This leads me to my next point.

5. NOBODY HAS FREE WILL IN YOUR REALITY. I am sorry but they don’t. I know this topic sparks a lot of anger and confusion but I’ll try to explain. We know EIYPO, right? Everyone is reflecting on you what you see about yourself. You are not forcing someone to do something for you - you are changing your beliefs about yourself so they must mirror that back to you. Every person in your life is a manifestation of you. They are their person and they have their own lives and thoughts, but when in connection to US, they can only reflect US back to US.

6. Here’s another way to explain it as sometimes it’s helpful to see the other side of it - have you ever been pursued by someone that you didn’t find attractive? Or had someone desperate to be your friend but you couldn’t stand? And then at some point, you notice something about them changes (they start looking pretty good to you, or the person who wants to be your friend makes you laugh and smile) and suddenly whatever used to make you see them differently / bother you no longer does. Was it you that changed or them? I’d imagine it wasn’t you since you weren’t actively trying to change them so you could like them. You didn’t like them, period, no desire to make that change from your end. It was them, and as a result, you changed how you felt about them, you saw them differently, and you saw them how they wanted to be seen.

I hope this was helpful. Of course there are deeper points that can be made on each of these but I tried to keep it high level so anytime you feel triggered or discouraged by the 3D, you can come back to these little reminders.

Once you stop giving power to the 3D, you’ll find it so much easier to manifest. Since I’ve done so, I feel like my affirmations feel so much more true, and living, in the end, is a piece of cake!

#affirm and persist #law of assumption #law of manifestation #neville goddard #manifesation #power of belief #affirmations #live in the end #affirming #loassumption #eiypo #loa success #void state #subconscious #self concept #neville imagine #instant manifestation #instant results #master manifestor #manifesting #manifesting mindset #manifesting manifesting manifesting #power of thought #power of words #manifesting sp #specific person

[queer-charming]

Hey! I decided to post some of the unfinished works I have in my drafts, feel free to do whatever you want with it! This was going to be a Chuuya x Reader that I’ll probably never finish, so here y’a go! Go wild!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*

Part of you felt guilty, felt like you were being dishonest to your friends, you guessed technically you were, but how were you supposed to explain to the ADA that you regularly met with one of the top executives of the Port Mafia after the two of you had struck up an unlikely friendship? Like what? Were you just supposed to go up to Dazai and say “by the way, remember your former partner? You know, who’s a top member of the most dangerous crime organization in Japan? Yeah I’ve been having lunch with him every other week for the past 6 months without telling you.” You we’re sure that was not going to end well.

However, the fact that you and Chuuya had struck up such an unlikely friendship wasn’t the only secret you were keeping. You were keeping a secret from Chuuya as well, and that was the secret that over the past 6 months, he’d managed to make you fall irrevocably undeniably in love with him. However, being friends with him? Meeting with him every other week at a different restaurant to catch up? That was one thing. Dating him? Sleeping with him behind the ADAs back? That was a completely different thing. That would put real guilt in you. You weren’t sure that was a secret you’d be able to keep.

You let that thought simmer in your mind as you waited yo Chuuya to arrive, because no matter how guilty you felt, no matter how bad you felt about technically lying to your friends, nothing would ever be enough to keep you away from your favorite firey redhead. The restaurant you two had chosen was an expensive one, one that the members of the ADA would be unlikely to visit and one that Chuuya was confident very few members of the Port Mafia frequented. It was large, on the top floor of a 16 story office building. The food was gourmet and the wine was of only the highest of vintage. The wall to your left was made up entirely of windows, floor to ceiling, giving you a beautiful view over Yokohama and a breathtaking view of the ocean.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” You were pulled from your thoughts by the voice to your right, turning to see Chuuya, his standard perfectly pressed hat abandoned at the front door alongside his long jacket, giving you an uninterrupted view of his lean figure. You felt the smile naturally find it’s way onto your lips. You remembered the first moment you met Chuuya, months ago. It had been after a particularly prickly meeting with the ADA and the Port Mafia. Kunikida had spent nearly the entire time nearly coming to blows with a few of the members, Akutagawa spent the entire time antagonizing Atsushi and Chuuya and Dazai couldn’t keep their mouths shut to save the world. The only people there seemingly capable of holding an actual conversation had been you, Fukuzawa, Mori and Kouyou, while also somehow managing to prevent a slaughter. It was only after the meeting had ended that you'd managed to share a few words with Chuuya, he may have been an executive with an entirely dangerous and illegal crime rink but he still wanted to meet the ADA's new girl. Of course, you'd been thrown off a bit by the way he'd first addressed you.

"So what kind of brain damage did you suffer to agree to work with Dazai?" He'd asked. For a few seconds you had no idea how to respond, you kind of just stared at him. After a moment your brain finally caught up.

"Thrown from a horse when I was 12." You quipped back, sufficiently pleased with the look of surprise and mild confusion on the mafioso's face.

"Really?" He asked. You let his question hang for a minute before tossing him a grin.

"No." Apparently he'd liked how you responded to him, becuase after that he'd become much more friendly. After that, you'd ran into Chuuya again at a coffee shop you frequented, and of course, being the curious and adventurous person you were, you walked up to him. You were a little surprised when he'd recognized you, although you definitely were not upset by it. What was originally supposed to be a quick 15 minute coffee stop turned into a 3 hour long "Coffee date" you guessed you could call it. That was when you're biweekly meetings with Chuuya started, and the two of you had become pretty close, of course it wasn't the "I'll tell you everything about myself" kind of close, but it was nice.

"Run into some traffic?" You asked as Chuuya took his place across from you, almost immediately ordering his favorite wine.

"There were some subordinate's who needed some..." Chuuya seemed to search for the words. "Straightening out." He finally settled on.

You and Chuuya rarely spoke about work when you met up, getting together was supposed to be a time when both of you could forget where you worked, and the fact that you two were on opposite sides.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #chuuya #bsd chuuya #chuuya nakahara #bsd chuuya x reader #chuuya x reader

[titan-fodder]

Hey, y’all. Just have a blog announcement.

I’ll start it off by saying I’m not leaving tumblr or this blog. That’s the bottom line, no room for confusion. I wanted to get that out of the way.

And, now I’ll elaborate.

I’m feeling a little burnt out. I’ve been trying and failing to write pieces for months while helping manage a big collab, and I’m just kinda tired. Stuff that used to be fun to write isn’t very enjoyable anymore (I guess that’s what happens when you write explicit smut for two years). I’ve always been of the mind that if you try to force something, it’s not gonna be great quality, and I only wanna put out good quality content.

But, there’s also more.

I’ve been back in therapy for various reasons and recently started seeing a psychiatrist. First visit I was put on Prozac which is cool. I mentioned some other stuff and he made it clear that he also wanted to look into ADHD management—something that flew under the radar and remained undiagnosed for pretty much my entire life.

A couple weeks ago I started on Ritalin, and like… I can’t even explain how much easier life has gotten in such a short amount of time. I don’t live off of energy drinks, I stay focused, I’ve stopped biting my nails (which I’ve done forever), my inner monologue is coherent for the first time ever. It’s incredible. Like, I didn’t even realize how much difficulty I was truly having until I saw what it’s like to have a functioning fucking brain. I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, but already, I feel so much lighter.

Anyway, all of that’s to say that I’m just… in love with the outside world right now. I’m talking with old friends, I am obsessed with my wonderful husband. And, I’m enjoying it. I don’t have the urge to write when everything else is so good.

I still have projects I’d like to keep working on. My Big Bang fic, A Force of Nature, will still be posted mid to late August, but it’s incomplete so far. I adore it, so I have high hopes that I’ll finish it. I still have plans for Find a Way even if it has been sitting in my drafts for months. I want to keep writing them. I just don’t know when the inspiration could strike.

And who knows? I could post this and then come back with a “just kidding lol” in, like, two days. But, I think this mood is here to stay for a while, and I’m okay with it.

I’ll probably post some blurbs here and there, maybe fluffy one shots. Really whatever tickles my fancy. But the updates will be slower than ever before (and that’s really saying something considering how unreliable I already am).

I’m still gonna be around to read and reblog and talk with everyone. This app is almost constantly open on my phone, so this is the same blog it’s always been minus regular-ish content.

Anyway, love y’all! Don’t be afraid to reach out to chat via asks or DMs ‘cause I’d love it 💕

#just a lil psa #wil speaking

[berestweys]

hi!

i’ve been away from this beloved hellscape for the most part for like a month. life is just so busy! the queue has been chugging along but tumblr has been more like stop by for 5 minutes, see a post and put it in drafts to tag later, never actually get it tagged, come back 3 days later and drop 2 more reblogs into drafts, fail to add anything to the queue, rinse and repeat. my drafts folder usually has 5-10 posts in it. right now? 206. help.

a few fandom highlights of the last month:

darlingest squishface leader sunggyu had a comeback and he remains the singer i need at least one dozen more albums from. never stop singing gyu

gyu’s album continues infinite’s streak of having THE best album intros. no one does mood-setting like they do

my hobgoblin son lee taemin and i both celebrated birthdays this week

shinee had an incredible comeback. so many show wins! i’ve listened to basically nothing else in the car for weeks

the behind the scenes making of HARD hheeeeeuuuuggghhhhh LEE JINKI’S VOICE

infinite, my always and forever boys, announced their first comeback in 5 years 

i repeat INFINITE IS HAVING A COMEBACK. i haven’t been this excited in AGES 

CUE FIREWORKS 

CUE SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP. RAINBOWS. KITTENS. SPARKLES.

sky and prapai from lita got married yesterday! and apparently i’m going to watch yet another mame show as a result because nuea is adorable and feels the same way i do about gyms. (also yiwa is hilarious like what is this about for you, girl??) sure why not! i’m here for a good time, not an unproblematic time

i became mutuals with a few more kinnporsche friends (hello!!!) and i remain so happy at all the posting kp fans are still doing a year after the show aired. such a funny and clever group of people. might be time for my third rewatch.

i’m almost always on desktop and apparently there are awful dashboard changes coming my way? i have not been hit with it yet but am currently making burnt offerings to the xkit gods so whatever nonsense happens i’ll be able to fix it immediately.

#the minutiae

[gladoswantscake]

Bearer of Bad News || David Mason

Warnings: Spoilers after the mission Suffer With Me

A/N: Holy heck it’s been a year since I properly wrote a oneshot or wrote anything (besides the very short bo2 headcanons). No joke, but I believe I’ve had this oneshot in my drafts for over a year 💀 but it’s about time that I finish it up and post it. My mental health hasn’t been well for the past several months. I’ve been dealing with some serious stuff from my last relationship, but I’m getting the help that I need. I hope things will get much better from here on out. Anyways, enjoy.

Available on Wattpad // AO3

Another night all by yourself. It’s been a while since you and David spent the night together. The two of you kept tabs on each other every evening. The phone calls would last longer than twenty minutes. There was always something new to talk about from David while your life was the same since he left. David encouraged you to go out more often rather keeping the same work and then home routine everyday.

“I worry about you, David.” You sit on your bed with your phone to your ear. “I worry that one day you won’t return home.”

“There’s no need to worry about that ever happening.” He pauses. “There’s been one thing that’s been on my mind for a while... Do you remember how you always talked about wanting to start a family?” David’s voice grows with excitement.

With David being away from home most of the time, the two of you agreed to wait awhile until the time was right. A large grin appears on your face as you nod in response to his question. “I remember.” 

"Well after this mission, I plan to settle down with you.”

“That’s great. I’m happy to hear that and happy to know that I’ll be seeing you more often.”

“And I can’t wait to run my hands all over that lavish body of yours.” He chuckles lightly. “Anyways, I got some good news. I’ll be able to come home tomorrow for a few days.”

“Tomorrow? I haven’t cleaned or done anything yet! I mean I’m really happy, but the house is a mess.”

“I understand that, but it can’t be too bad, right?”

You glance around messy bedroom. It was messier on your side than David’s. “All that I’ve been doing is working and going straight home. I haven’t really had the time to do much since I have hardly any energy at the end of the day.”

“No need to worry about it. Besides I was planning on taking you out once I get back in town. You decide which ever nice restaurant you want to go to. Or if you don’t want to go anywhere, we can stay home. Tomorrow night will be all about you.”

The thought of you dressing up and going out into town made you feel like life was worth something to look forward to once again. “I’ll decide on something once when you get back.”

“Sounds good. Go get some rest now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The next day)

The dreadful heat wave finally died off in the late June summer evening. You just finished deep cleaning the whole house to prepare for David’s return home after being away for several months. 

Anytime he’ll be back. You killed some time by jumping into the shower and taking your time to clean yourself up and put some comfy clothes on and waited for his arrival.

Some time has passed now. Whatever was on TV made you grow bored and impatient. It must be the traffic. You checked the time on your phone: 9:57 p.m. You sent him a short text to check up on him. As much as you don’t like attempting to make phone calls or message him while he’s on the road, you worried. It’s been months since you’ve last saw each other, and he was only going to be in town for a few days.

The message you sent was read by him. A wave of relief. Then a message popped up.

“I won’t be home for another 20 minutes. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. I’ll get there as soon as I can. Love you.” The text read.

The amount of cleaning and rearranging the house all day made it impossible for you to stay awake any longer. You turned off the TV and made your way to the bedroom. Not long after you laid in bed, the sound of a car engine grew louder from outside. He was finally home.

Soft footsteps made its way towards the bedroom and a quiet creaking sound of the bedroom door opening. The bed sinks from the opposite side of you and a hand lays on your shoulder.

“Are you awake?” The quiet voice made you open your eyes. You slowly shifted your body over to see David leaning over you. His hand moves to your hair and his thumb strokes your forehead.

“I am now.” You respond with a tired smile. “I’d thought that you’d be here earlier.”

“I would have,” He leans in to give you a kiss. “But something got in the way.” He sighs, standing up to remove his jacket. “I went to go visit Woods today before I left.”

“Everything went well between the two of you?” You sat up to watch him put his handgun in his nightstand drawer.

David slowly closes the drawer. “For the most part.” He looks at you. You could make out that his mood changed by the look of his downhearted face in the dark bedroom. For as long as you’ve known David, he wasn’t the best at lying, but he was good at hiding his emotions from you. This time, he didn’t bother hiding them.

“Did something happen today, David? You seem upset.”

He shook his head. “I’m not upset. It’s just... been a long day is all.” He gives you a reassuring smile in attempt to mask his sadness.

You didn’t buy his excuse. “I know you’re not okay.” You get out of bed and walk over to him. Your hands reach his face, pulling his face to look at you. His eyes were glistening. He wanted to speak but it looked like he was going to break down any second. “What happened?” You ask.

He wipes his tears with the back of his hand. Every word that came out of his mouth as he tried to speak was choked sobs, but you managed to catch was Woods and killed him. You’ve never seen him like this ever.

As soon as you ushered him to the bed he broke down, digging his face into your stomach as he latched onto your waist. “There’s no need to say anything right now. Just let it all out and tell me later.” Your hands run across his clothed back and up to his head to let your fingers run through his hair.

It felt like so much time has passed after he broke down. “David?” His head perks up revealing his nose and eyes were sore from his weeping. You frown at his broken state. Hands cradle his face as your thumbs wipe away the remaining tears. “Go get cleaned up and then we’ll talk.” He nodded in reply.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, your Uncle Frank killed your father?” Your arms were wrapped around David’s exhausted body as his head rested on your sternum. A hand runs through his short brown hair.

“It was an accident. He thought it was Menendez. He broke the news today.” He pauses. I’m sorry you waited for me to come back in a mess.”

Your finger hooks underneath his chin, forcing him to look up at you. “Don’t ever say that again, David. It’ll be a mess if you don’t come back home. So, promise me that you’ll come back in one piece?”

You earned a smile from your lover. “It’s a promise.”

#call of duty #cod #cod oneshots #call of duty black ops 2 #black ops 2 #david mason #my creation

[badassxbirdy]

Edit: Some people are having trouble with the mobile nav link in the blog description. Click here if it isn’t working for you.

October Activity Update - Pinned Post

Happy spooky season! It’s time once again for an activity update! If you’re new here: these monthly posts help me to keep track of what the frick I’ve been doing, particularly when tumblr breaks or the brainfog strikes. This update includes things posted or in drafts for August and September, as I missed last months post. Everything else can be found in previous monthly updates under this tag. There’s also the thread tracker here.

The full activity update (along with OOC house keeping) is below the cut. Bold text = links.

If you want to see all IC interactions without the other stuff, click here. If you’d like to start something new, there are opens and memes, or you can just hit up the DM’s. You can also add Ty on Wire for IC texting.

Now onto the update!

OOC housekeeping:

I can no longer trim posts that were started in the legacy editor. I’ll be messaging folks about moving threads to a new post as and when those replies come up.

Text size! While I personally prefer small text as I find it easier to read on mobile, I know many folks prefer the opposite. So rather than relying on my memory to keep track of who to use bigger text for, I’m just going to match whatever text size my RP partner uses going forward.

RPThreadTracker does a fantastic job of tracking replies even when you don’t get a notification on tumblr itself. If you’re having issues with the current notifications glitch, I really recommend giving it a try.

There’s been a weird situation happening anons where they’ll send a really dodgy message, and tag another blog to try and incriminate them as the sender. Here’s a PSA post explaining.

Threads, replies and other IC interactions:

@astormymind

Library ghost (drafted) (Finn)

Memes from Prue and Alex are in the drafts!

@beastbitten

“I ain’t lookin’ for trouble.” (link)

@demcnsinmymind

Car trouble (drafted)

Taking Lance on a hunt (drafted)

At the motel (link)

Azzy proves a point (drafted)

Mischief at the bar (link)

@demonstigma

Kage is weird, but Ty appreciates accidental compliments. 😂 (drafted)

@derschwarzeengel

Ty tracks down Vampire!Damon. (link)

“Ken means…” (drafted)

Fence related incidents (link)

Roasting 50 shades (link)

Damon shields Ty, Ty calls him a gothy tree-hugger. 🤷‍♀️ (link) - moved from the legacy editor.

Damon encounters Dark!Ty (link) - moved from the legacy editor.

Ty gets sick and is a brat about it. (link)

“She’s a ghost AND a bitch!” (link)

Werewolf problems (link) - moved from the legacy editor.

@destroyerscved

Magic bean juice (drafted) - Edward

“How did you find me?” (drafted) - Nia

“If you actually wanted to kill me, I'd be dead, wouldn't I?" (link) - Adrian

“Drink your school, stay in drugs” (drafted) - Samantha

@discipulusmaleficus

“ This isn’t what it looks like.” (link)

Abandoned house (drafted)

@ebonyforged

Ty meets Ebony! 😁 (link)

@first-born-to-his-name

“What is your day job?” (link)

@hvbris

Ty meets Hook (link)

An appointment with Doctor Soliman (drafted)

A questionable attempt to cheer up Olive. 😂 (drafted)

@imprvdente

Ty and FBI!fish at the motel (link)

Birthday mischief (drafted)

@indyflanery

At the fair (drafted)

@jchnwinchester

“You know me?” (link)

@kingofthewebxxx

Ghost warnings? That’s new. (link)

@loyaltyguided

Cuteness with Azzy! ❤️ (drafted)

@lcbcshcart

Monster encounter (drafted)

@luposcainus

Ty is shocked to find Caspian isn’t dead. 😂 (link)

@magaprima

Demon problems part (drafted)

Demon problems part 2: electric boogaloo (drafted)

@nightiingaled

“You should have killed me when you had the chance.” (link) - Than

“I need a stronger word than fuck” (link) - Mel

Time for “The Talk” (link) - Mel

@normallyxstranger

Starter for Victor (drafted) - Welcome back! ❤️

@ourwar

Babysitting Jude and the Doctor (link)

“You’re welcome.” (link) - Homelander

@pantslessoptimism

“I totally didn’t do what you think I did.” (link)

Cannibal ghosts (link)

@stanfordprepped

“What in the reese's peanut butter fuck is going on here?” (link)

@tobeblamed

Dean is better than google. 😇 (link)

Memes/asks: 8

Drafts: 21, and I have no idea how I got so far behind jfc. ☠️

Headcanon, Dash games, and assorted silliness:

Bingo cards with Lance, Azrael, Fish, Isaac, and Michael! (link)

Mel and Killian come to blows while Tyler is missing. (link)

Messing with Killian. (link)

The bot brigade are annoying, but they have some truly banging names! Here are some of my favourites.

I think that’s everything! As always: please let me know if I’ve missed something. I never intentionally drop threads without notifying, rest assured that if it’s not here I am either having a brain fart or I simply have not seen it. Remember to be kind to yourselves, and stay safe! ❤️ — Em

#activity update #pinned post

[magic-space-games]

Life and health update or whatever.

So I’ve had this health update post sitting around in my drafts for goddamn months at this point, and right now I’m actually feeling good enough to, like... write a big-ass update with how all my various health things are going so uh... sorry folks, this is gonna be a long one. Also, warnings for frank discussion of negative health shit.

Here’s what I originally wrote

Nov. 11th 2022

So the surgeons completely missed the lump the first time (not uncommon, I'm not mad about it.) Lumpectomy round two went well! I have been recovering the last couple days, and this recovery has been easier in some ways, trickier in others. This surgery went closer to my armpit, but not actually in my armpit, so my arm has more freedom of movement but anything I do that causes my tit to shift is... bad. I have been relying very heavily on travel pillows. Also I am now quite certain that they got the right lump this time because whenever I touch the spot that the lump used to be in it Fucking Hurts.

This time around, they put a wire into the lump before surgery so that there was no mistaking it. The ultrasound team did that, and I asked them if they could give me pictures, and they said yes!!!! So I have pictures of Jeff!!!

(Jeff is the darker grey mass in the middle that looks a bit like a croissant.)

Also, I told my surgeon that I named the lump Jeff Bezos and she thought it was very funny, so I am going to get a good grade in breast cancer patient, which is normal to want and possible to achieve. Anyway, the surgeon wrote this on my recovery plan sheet:

The text reads “lumpectomy revision with wire localization (Excision of Jeff Bezos.)

__________

Now, here’s what’s been going on with me more recently.

Because the cancer spread to one of my lymph nodes (micrometastasis, caught pretty early) I’m being given a combo of chemo and radiation. Chemo started on Jan. 5th, and will be continuing into March. It’s not 100% certain when radiation will start, because we’re waiting on my genetics test to come back. If it turns out that I have The Curse then I’ll probably go for a double mastectomy and ovary removal, which should be done before radiation so that the body can heal properly from the surgery. My oncologist (who I love, he is absolutely hilarious) has called this the “less shitty” chemo. So far I have to agree. The first week wasn’t great, but I already feel almost back to normal (I know that the effects are cumulative, so it’s only gonna go downhill from here, but I’ll take my little victories where I can.) The only lasting side effect I’ve had from the chemo so far has been my mouth going numb. The first few days, my mouth tasted really chemically, and my sweat smelled pretty acrid, but that’s faded significantly. It’s just my body trying to flush the chemo drugs however it can.

The vast majority of the negative side effects I’ve been dealing with have been from the bone marrow booster Grastofil (it doesn’t give me more marrow, it just makes my marrow produce more blood cells.) Holy fuck, I have never felt pain like that. It literally felt like my bones were vomiting. Not woozy/nauseous. Like they were actually in the act of vomiting. I did also end up with a bit of a UTI because of my immune system being suppressed, but that ain’t shit compared to the bone pain. Also, I have to self-inject it, and it turns out that I faint when I try. My neighbour has actually been helping me with them because one of her kids has diabetes, so she has to do loads of these injections already and is used to it.

The actual chemo infusion itself isn’t the worst. I originally thought I’d have to drive two hours to the big city hospital to do it, but I only have to drive about 45 minutes. The nurses there are SO kind and have excellent bedside manner. They aren’t condescending, which was something I was a little worried about. The infusion itself takes about 2 hours. The first one is docetaxel, it takes a little over an hour, and while that’s on the IV I have to wear ice mitts and booties so that I don’t get any nerve damage in my fingers and toes. I think this is probably the worst part of the actual infusion process (so far) because I’m just left having to watch stuff on my phone or whatever while trying to ignore how cold I am. The second infusion is cyclophosphamide, and it lasts about 45 minutes. I haven’t had any nausea yet (knock on wood) and it’s possible that I might never. I haven’t lost my hair yet, but I did shave it off in preparation.

I’ve still been able to work a fair amount. This is a relief, because it makes scheduling a whole hell of a lot easier.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on with my health lately! I have no clue when I’ll update again! Assume I’m fine if I’m posting I guess?

#personal / #once again. and i cannot stress this enough. if you know me IRL and you see this post NO you FUCKING did NOT. do NOT interact w this post.

[eeveenicks]

I miss writing and posting fan fiction and every now and then I think about getting back into it. And if you look at my AO3 and stuff, it looks like I quit writing as a hobby a few years ago.

Since 2020 I’ve been working on a few novels, and I had been hoping to publish them. I’m several drafts in and started having a lot of trouble with motivation about 6 months ago though.

Honestly I lost a lot of enthusiasm about publishing anything for real when I found out that as an author I’d have to create and maintain actual social media profiles instead of occasionally shitposting on Tumblr and crawling back into my demon lair for a few months to a year.

Now that Twitter seems to be going belly up faster than the fish in that one viral post I made five years ago, I’m starting to feel more motivated to write again. Because it means I won’t have to have a Twitter.

Yeah I’ll probably have to make some other social media, but with most of the mainstream social media sites plunging deeper and deeper into being shit, maybe I can just have a Live Journal or a MySpace if those are still around.

God how great would it be if we just went back to 2006 style internet. We all just get back on deviantart and make regrettable decisions with our hair and YouTube becomes a cute site for novelty videos again. What is a smartphone.

It’s fucking 4am and I’m exhausted and can’t sleep so don’t even try to decipher this crap.

I just slithered out of bed a few minutes ago and ate some leftover veggie samosas because I ain’t afraid of no heartburn. I’m sitting on my couch hugging a Bidoof plushie and listening to horror stories on YouTube about people nearly being murdered because for some reason that helps me sleep. I’m trying to figure out just how bad of a crush I have on one of my friends and if she felt any of the ambiguous sparks I did while I thawed out some frozen mice and she watched me feed them to my pet snake. I really need to figure out how to tell when people are flirting.

My back hurts and I feel like it’s too late in the night-morning to run into the woods and sing praises to Satan or whatever because that’s just such an awkward thing to do if you can already here the garbage trucks coming around your neighborhood and the local business people are all getting up for work.

Woodland Devil worship is more of a 1am kind of vibe than an almost 5am kind of vibe.

Is this a stream of conscious thought and/or am I way too chock full of sleep deprivation and ADHD?

Anyway, hi Tumblr! I don’t know why you read all that, but if you’ve gotten this far and aren’t going “wtf am I reading”, I think it’s safe to say you need to actually go to bed and get some sleep. I don’t care if it’s 2pm when you’re reading this. If you got this far, your brain is crying and begging you to get at least one night this week of 8 hours because these are not the ramblings of a well rested person.

Also you really need to clean your microwave, and it’s probably time to replace that kitchen sponge.

#late night ramblings #wtf is my brain #i really need to sleep #my writing

[anitalenia]

an explanation…

HI EVERYONE!! First off, I would like to apologize for being away for so long with no word as to why, and for disappearing off the face of the earth for half a year. I apologize for not posting in so long, and for not even finishing setting up my blog. I’m not going to give excuses, I will only tell you the truth.

During these last few months a lot of stressful things have happened. I lost my job, familial drama, and my depression suddenly just hit me full force and I ended up in a big bad slump. I lost all motivation I had to finish this blog and my stories, and I ended up just wasting away as much as my unfinished stories have in my drafts. But it’s okay now, and sometimes people just have bad days. For me, it was a few months. Those things happen, and anyone who struggles with mental health will understand that when those moments happen, they really hit you 😭.

Anyway, as I said before I am feeling so much better now, and things are starting to look up for me. I got a new job, and I’m finally out of that several month long slump, and I’m starting to really focus on me and my health and happiness. I’ve really improved on my writing skills, and my inspiration and love for writing has just hit me full force. I feel ready and eager to really finish and update my blog, and really get things started again. I’m not sure how long this joyous feeling will last, but I’m going to make the most of it while it’s there.

Im not saying to expect anything tomorrow, or maybe even two days from now, but within these next few weeks I will finally finish updating my links and creating my pages. I will have a fully functional blog, and probably some stories out as well 😁 Like I said before, I have so many ideas now, and my passion for creating things and writing stories has come back (thank god). I may have to delete everything and start brand new, as I’ve noticed a few problems with my links and posts that were due to my lack of activity. Of course that would suck, but I’ll do whatever it takes to have a successful blog that I can be proud of.

I’m grateful to have a platform, even if it is small, to share my stories and thoughts with such kind and encouraging people 💖 I’m so happy to be able to share my stories and ideas with an audience who likes them, and create things for other people to enjoy them as much as I do. I’m grateful for every single follower I have, every repost I see, every like on a post, and every sweet comment under a post I’ve made. I’m glad I make people happy with what I create, and I hope I didn’t let anyone down.

Anyway, to conclude this long apology 😅, just know I’m thankful for all of you and everyone who’s supported me in this endeavor. You all mean the world to me and inspire me so much, so I’m sorry for being so absent on here. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Again, expect greatness in the weeks to come, and thank you for being a proud member of Anitalenia Land!!!

[industrialisland]

writing process

Tagged by @red-sky-in-mourning

do you write in order?

man I wish. I usually start in order, at least. I write until I hit a block and then skip to a part that I feel more excited about, whatever it takes to keep myself writing. I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night to jot down some random collection of sentences that I might use later. Tying those scenes together later is definitely something I struggle with. This is why I don’t post fic til I’ve got it completed.

The nice thing about co-writing Home Sweet Home with my sister is that I’m forced to write with some structure- no skipping ahead, because what she writes is based off what I write, and vice-versa, and I have to be timely about it because she’s waiting on me. Being given an open-ended prompt is really helpful. Writing on my own gives me too many options and maybe too much leeway as far as getting it done timely.

how fully formed does your writing come out the first try?

Fairly. I’m a big reader and I’ve always had a good grasp on writing, and I edit as I go. And I like to re-read my work so I catch little errors and things that don’t make sense. My beta reader complains she has nothing to do, lol. I’d like to be good at outlines but I’m just not.

how many drafts do you go through?

I don’t write in drafts. Occasionally if a scene isn’t working/is too long/is sort of what I’m looking for but not quite, I’ll rewrite it, but I don’t rewrite the entire story. For example, in my original first draft of everything broken, Stede punches Ed in the face immediately upon arriving back on the Revenge. Changing that to a kiss meant a lot of softening of their interactions. There was a much longer interlude of Stede’s thought process in getting back to Ed that just wasn’t flowing, so I had to rewrite to keep the important bits and make everything more succinct. I also did some POV switching- originally the entire fic was from Ed’s POV, but making it switch back between both of their POVs rounded it out so much better.

tell me about your process.

I clear out time to write and I use Write or Die to set myself a word goal. Some days it’s just barely scraping by, other days I don’t even notice that the timer has stopped, the key is to make it a habit. I use Spotify to find some chill/focus music, no TV, especially not the source material because that gives me the creeps, like I’m perverting it somehow, lol. I have to be really excited about an idea to write, though, I always have this weird lingering embarrassment about starting a new fic for no real reason!

It takes me a long time, though. I’m in awe of the people who can write a novel length fic in less than a month. Both of my fics took me ~3 months each.

[hobis-hope94]

~ You Don’t Have to Be Strong Anymore ~

AN: I had this idea for a while! It could have a part 2. Lemme know! I’m posting this before I go all MIA for the weekend. Have a good one!

Paring: husband!Steve x wife!pregnant!Avenger!reader

Warning: crying, little fluff and some angst.

(gif not mine)

With the fear of a deadly war brewing, you were sat with your loving husband, Steve Rogers. You were cuddled against him, your back on his chest, both his arms wrapped tightly around you, both of his hands gently stroking your now eight month pregnant belly.

“When i married you, I promised I’d give you peace … love … safety … we’ve been on the run for almost three years. I’ve … ive failed you. Both of you,” Steve said, tearfully, nuzzling into your head.

“Shush. No. You haven’t,” you said as you gently took your hand away from his and gently stroked his beard.

“Y/N -“ Steve said tearfully as he lovingly lent into your touch.

“You listen to me Steven Grant Rogers,” you said firmly, struggling a little as you sat up to look at him. “I married you because I love you. Whatever happens, whatever is going to happen, we’re going to get through it together. Together. You and me against the world, okay?” You said, looking into his blue eyes.

“God I really love you,” Steve sighed gratefully, he lent into you, your foreheads touching.

“I love you too,” you said softly as with one hand on your cheek, Steve gently placed another on your belly, rubbing it gently. “Oh. Bub kicked,” you said giggling as you felt your baby kick.

“Someone jealous?” Steve said lovingly, looking down at your stomach. You giggled.

“I think they want attention from their papa,” you giggled.

“I’m sorry bub,” Steve giggled, he gently kissed your stomach, you smiled. “I love you too. You’ve already got me and your mom wrapped around your finger, haven’t you?” He said softly to your stomach.

You smiled.

“I gotta pee,” you whined standing up, “the baby thinks my bladder is a chew toy,” you said as Steve helped you up.

“Not long now, sweets,” Steve said happily as you smiled at him as you went into the bathroom.

——

“I’ve been drafted,” Steve said one rainy afternoon, his face grim.

“….no. Don’t say it like that. If you say it like that it sounds like a war,” you said tearfully, looking at your husband.

“…Y/N. You and I both know it is going to be a war,” Steve said tearfully.

“Don’t. Please. I can’t ….” Your voice cracked as you looked down at your belly.

“Hey. I’m coming home to both of you. I promise. I’ll only be in Wakanda,” Steve said gently, one hand stroking your cheek and the other stroking your belly.

“….that’s far away. Like ten hours,” you choked.

“Hey. Im coming home to you both. I promise,” Steve said gently, brushing a tear away with his thumb.

“Be careful. Please please please don’t die,” you pleaded as you two shared a kiss acting like it might be your last.

“Im coming home to my family. You have my word,” Steve said gently.

You couldn’t say anything, tears blurred your vision as you took in your husband.

“Don’t answer the door to anyone, Y/N. Don’t trust anyone while I’m gone, okay? Stay safe. I love you. Both of you,” Steve said gently, he kissed you then your stomach.

“Please, stay alive. We love you. We need you,” you sobbed as Steve reluctantly pulled away from you.

He took one last look at you. Memorising every single detail of you. He gave you a brave smile then left. You stood there for god knows how long.

You are an Avenger, one of the best. But due to you being pregnant, you took time off, not wanting to hurt your baby. You stood there, in front of the door, cradling your bump, crying hard.

——

“Steve?” Bucky said as he turned to dust.

Steve stood there as he watched his best friend vanish into thin air. He turned to Thor, Thor looked at him.

“I’ve gotta get home,” Steve said, his mind suddenly thinking of you.

Thor nodded. Steve ran to the quinjet, and started it up.

“Please please please be alive. Please be okay,” Steve pleaded as he flew.

Once he landed, he ran out of the quinjet and ran all the way to yours and his apartment. He took two steps at a time, running to you. Praying for your safety.

He threw the door open, when he didn’t see you straight away, his heart sank. He ran to your shared room, empty. The bathroom, empty. Living room … empty.

“N-no,” Steve whimpered, he stumbled back.

When all hope seemed lost, he heard your voice.

“St-Steve?” You choked.

Steve stared at you. You were standing in the doorway, you had gone for a walk to calm your nerves when all of a sudden, all around you people were turning to dust.

“Oh my god. You’re okay. You’re okay,” Steve cried, scooping you up in his arms.

You threw your arms around him hugging him tightly. You felt tears on your shoulder.

“Oh thank god. You’re alive. I thought when I couldn’t get hold of you … you…” you cried, hugging him tightly.

“My god you’re okay,” Steve said, kissing your neck, cheekbone then your lips.

“Stevie, what happened, baby? Wh…” you sobbed as your foreheads touched.

“I lost Buck,” Steve sobbed.

“Oh, Steve … I’m …” you choked.

“I can…can’t lose him again, sweets. I promised I wouldn’t,” Steve choked.

“Shush, now, baby. It’s okay. You’ll find a way to bring him and everyone else back,” you said gently, brushing a tear away with your thumb as he gently placed one of his hands on your bump.

Steve stared at you.

“Cry, baby. Just cry. You don’t have to be strong anymore,” you said gently.

Steve then fell onto you and hugged you tightly. He cried. You held him close, kissing the side of his head every so often, rubbing his back. Steve had you. He had you and your unborn baby. It was going to be okay for now.

#husband!steve x wife!reader #Steve x pregnant!reader #Steve x reader fluff #steve x reader angst #Steve Rogers #mcu #marvel #avengers #chris evans #new writers corner

[serendipitous-magic]

What is your writing advice for young people who want to write fanfiction and original stories in the near future?

If this is just Way Too Much, skip to the end (#16). My most important piece of advice is there. I also happen to think #5 is pretty good.

-_-_-_-

1) Literally just write. Write whatever you want, and do a lot of it.

_-_

2) You don’t have to post everything. In fact you don’t have to post anything. You can, don’t get me wrong, but it can be intimidating to sit down and think “I will now write something that other people will see and read and judge with their eyeballs.” Because that’s probably gonna lead to nerves and writer's block. Just write down the ideas that you have, the things you want to write, whatever’s in your brain that you want to explore and expand upon and make into something. And then if you want to, share it. Or don’t share it. I have plenty of half-baked ideas and documents and random story chapters and shit hidden away on my Google Drive that will never see the light of day, for a whole number of reasons. I wanted to write it but it wasn’t ~Spicy~ enough to warrant posting, or it’s only like an eighth of a good idea, or it’s like one scene with no story around it, or it’s just something incredibly self-indulgent I just wanted to write for my own enjoyment.

Point being, don’t write for other people. Don’t write so that other people can read it; write what you want, write for yourself, and then if you want to share it, do.

_-_

3) You can pretty much ignore any and all of these for fanfiction. In fact, you can ignore pretty much any rules or guidelines you want for fanfiction. Fanfic is a sandbox. You don’t have to be a “professional writer” to post fic. No one expects you to be Stephen King or Margaret Atwood. Fanfic is just for playing in a fandom and having fun. If you wanna write a 50 chapter slow burn with very little plot aside from the OTP slowly getting to know each other, and no real stakes or central conflict, I guarantee people would read that. Really, fanfiction is the Old West of writing: lawless, wild, unpredictable, and free.

However, here are the rules you must follow:

-Separate your paragraphs. (I’m sure you know this already, but I’m gonna say it anyway just in case.) Do not post one big block of text. Make a paragraph break when someone new is talking, when the characters are in a new place, when a new event occurs that changes the scene, when a chunk of time has passed, and when there’s a major change in subject.

-I know it’s obvious, but... grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. They exist to make writing easy for readers to read, and more people will read your stuff if they don’t have to stop and try to figure out what you meant.

-Use tags and labels, as is possible with whatever site you’re using. Especially if you include possibly triggering content in your story. Again, I know it’s obvious, but it’s common courtesy. Bonus: tagging the themes and content of your story helps readers find it and read it :)

-If possible, limit the use of all-caps and exclamation marks / question marks. 99% of the time, one ! or one ? will do. If you overload the page with a lot of all-caps and long rows of exclamation marks or question marks, it hampers readability.

... That’s literally all I can think of. And, like I said, it’s all pretty basic stuff. You were probably rolling your eyes like, “Uh, yeah, Gwen, I know.” But that’s literally it. You can pretty much do whatever you want in fanfic.

That being said, here’s my advice for both fanfiction and original work...

_-_

4) A quick and dirty rule for coming up with a plot, starting a story, keeping up pacing, or maintaining tension: figure out what dreams, desires, and goals are nearest and dearest to your main character’s heart (see #16). Then set up the main conflict to be directly in opposition to that goal. It doesn’t have to be in a tangible way, though it could be. But, if your main character wants more than anything to reach the ships on the southern coast of your world and sail to a new life, make sure the main conflict immediately prevents them from doing that - in fact, make sure to send them north. If your main character just wants to keep their loved ones safe, kidnap the loved ones. If your main character just wants to date their best-friend-turned-crush, make sure they think they have no chance - or, make them cocky about it, and make sure it makes Person B determined not to ever like them. You get it. Figure out what your character most wants, and then keep them from having that. Boom - your conflict now ties in with your character's motivation. It's like instant yeast for plots.

_-_

5) If you’re anything like me, you want your first draft to be Good, despite all that advice about how the first draft doesn’t have to be good and it’s just to get words on the page, yadda yadda. And if you’re somewhat of a perfectionist (like myself), it’s easy to get stuck looking at a blank page because you don’t have The Perfect Words, and you want what you write to be Good the first time.

Here’s how I cheat that:

Instead of trying to write a Good First Draft from a blank page, hit the enter key a few times, skip a little down on the page, change your ink to red (or blue, or whatever - just something immediately identifiable as Not Black) and just thought vomit. Write whatever the hell you’re thinking, exactly as you think it. Don’t worry about it being readable, don’t worry about narrative flow for now, don’t worry about covering all the details, don’t worry about anything except either a) getting all the details of your idea out onto the page, whether that’s a lot or whether it’s just a sentence or two, or b) if you don’t have an idea yet, finding your way there.

Because this method is also very good for finding your way to ideas when you’re stuck in writer’s block.

Because of how human brains work, getting this stuff out onto the page - in all its messy, stream-of-consciousness glory - will likely spark more thoughts. As you write your original idea about the scene, it’ll likely spark more ideas. Creation begets creation. If you just start thought-vomiting your ideas onto the page, chances are you’ll think of more things as you go, and you’ll start filling out description or dialogue or tone or action or whatever, and pretty soon the scene starts writing itself.

Not sure where you’re going with the scene or which ideas you wanna use? Use a lot of ambivalent language in your “thought-vomit draft.” My pre-writing notes are chock-full of the words “maybe,” “perhaps,” and the phrases, “At some point...” and “...or something like that.” In this way, I don’t tie myself down to one idea; it’s just an idea, and I’m keeping it on the page in case I use it, but I might chuck it in the trash or change it or whatever.

And then, once your ideas for the scene (or story, or chapter, or whatever) are on the page, then go back to the top and start translating them into a “real” first draft. Use black ink, and start copy-pasting chunks of the thought-vomit up into the top part of the document and translating them into Draft 1. Separate out paragraphs where paragraph breaks should be. Add the correct punctuation and whatnot. Change “describe the lobby here - include potted plants, fancy carpet, blood stain, etc.” into an actual description of the lobby. Flesh it out, or condense, or whatever it needs. And if you’re still stuck, change back to red ink and ramble some more until you find a path that feels right, then plug that in. This keeps you from looking at a blank page, and it allows you to generate a kind of Draft 0.5, somewhere between a plan and a first draft.

You don’t have to use every idea. Like I said, jot down whatever comes to mind, put a “maybe” before or after it, and keep working. If the idea grabs you and you wanna keep expanding on it and exploring it, cool. If you just wanna jot it down so you don’t forget it and then move on, also cool. Red-ink draft / “thought-vomit draft” is your time to jump around in the timeline, add or finesse details at whatever point your brain moves to, etc. Don’t try to do it exactly in story order, because you will get tangential thoughts and ideas, and you will not remember to write them down five pages later when you finally get to taking notes on that scene. Trust me. On that note...

_-_

6) Write everything down the moment you think of it. Seriously.

“I’ll remember it when I get around to writing that scene in a couple days / weeks / months (/years).”

You won’t.

Write it down.

Phone, journal, google docs - hell, my family regularly laughs at me for grabbing a napkin during dinner and scribbling thoughts down alongside pasta sauce stains.

And then, once you have it written down somewhere...

_-_

7) Consolidate your writing ideas in one place.

Maybe this isn’t really your style, and that’s totally chill.

Buuuut, if you’re Type-A like me - or if you tend to be somewhat unorganized and you know you’ll lose track of your writing notes if they’re scattered across multiple notebooks, journals, napkins, phone notes, etc. - having one consolidated document of notes is a life saver. I keep mine on Google Docs so I can access it, add to it, and look through it for inspiration anywhere at any time. When I have one of those Shower Thoughts that I jot down on my phone or on a napkin during dinner, I set myself a reminder on my phone to type it up in my Story Ideas document later.

(Or, if the idea I had was for a story of mine that I’ve already started planning / drafting / whatever, I put it in the document for that story instead of the Big Random Story Ideas doc. You get it.)

_-_

8) Have other ways to collect and save writing ideas, besides just writing stuff down. If you like Pinterest, make pinterest boards of your characters or stories or settings or whatever. If you’re big into playlists, make a playlist for your character / setting / story / etc. Or both. Or something else. I’m not good at drawing, but maybe you are, and maybe you like to draw your ideas. Whatever form it takes, having another way to save ideas and think about your stories is invaluable.

_-_

9) Some writers can just start writing with no idea where the story is going, and they just kind of figure it out as they go. I envy those writers. And I do that sometimes for fanfiction, where the stakes are somewhat lower and the audience is reading more for scene-to-scene enjoyment (and to see their OTP kiss) than for a Driving And Compelling Narrative.

But here’s the thing: especially if you’re just kind of starting out, writing without some sort of plan is really, really hard, and will likely lead you into a slow, meandering narrative that will likely frustrate you.

Even if you think you’re someone that just can’t write with a plan (and again, I have the highest respect for pansters out there - I don’t know how you do it, you crazy bastards, but you keep doing you) - even if you think “I can’t work with plans, they’re too prescriptive, I just want to write and see what happens -”

Try at least making the most skeletal of plans.

Even if you have no clue what 90% of the story is, yet. That’s fine. But you need to have some idea of what you’re building to, even if that’s nothing more specific than a feeling, or a turning point for your character. Even if your entire plan for everything beyond Chapter 1 is, “At some point, Charlie needs to realize that Ed was lying to her.”

This is where those Draft 0.5 notes come in handy. Because, more than likely, working on your current scene that way will spark ideas for later scenes, which you can put down at the bottom of the document and save for when they become relevant. In my experience, the line between planning ahead and making a Draft 0.5 is exceptionally thin. One can quickly turn into the other.

If you’re really, really resistant to the idea of planning ahead, that’s okay. It’s not everybody’s style. But for the love of all that is holy, write down your ideas for future scenes, even if you’re a person that doesn’t like to plan and writes only in story order, because you will not remember that idea once you get to that scene.

_-_

10) You don’t have to write in order.

Here’s the thing: I’m a person that can only do my Draft 1 in story order (meaning, chronological order). I just have to be in that flow; I need to write in story order for me to best channel where the character is at from scene to scene, both narratively and emotionally.

But my Thought Vomit Draft is another thing entirely. By using the brain hack of putting my notes in red (or another color, it doesn’t matter) and going down to the bottom of the document / page and taking notes there, and then integrating them into whatever plan I have, and then translating them into Draft 1 once I get there in the story - by doing that, I can get my good ideas onto the page (and expound upon them and let my muse carry me and ride that momentum while I’m in the moment of inspiration) without writing out of order.

Maybe that’s just me. But if you’re a person who really prefers to write in story order, that could be hugely helpful to you. It is to me.

_-_

11) Emotion and motivation will do more for your story than technicalities of plot.

If your characters really care about something, and their journey through the (shaky or weak) plot is emotionally engaging, it will be a much more compelling story than a story with a “perfect” plot and unrelatable or unmotivated characters.

If your characters care about what they’re doing, and it means something to them, and their goals and actions are driven by dreams or fears or emotions that are integral to who they are, your audience will care too. If you have a perfectly crafted plot that hits all the right beats and has high stakes and fast pacing and drama - but your characters don’t connect with what’s happening in a way that’s deeply meaningful or emotional for them? You’re gonna have a hard time engaging readers.

When in doubt, prioritize character emotion and motivation over plot. Emotion is what drives story.

This power is highly exploitable. (Just look at pulp novels and shitty but entertaining movies.) You can even use it to glaze over plot holes or reinvigorate a limp narrative. Use it that way sparingly, though. It’s a band-aid, not a surgery. 

_-_

12) Evil villains are hard to write - mostly because there are very few truly evil people in the world. (There are a few. Billionaires and several big name politicians come to mind.) But by and large, there aren’t that many evil people. There are plenty of bad people, but bad people have some good in them, somewhere in there. Trying to write an evil villain is hard, because they often turn very cartoony.

Here’s a tip: it’s much easier to write antagonists who aren’t evil. Even if they’re bad people. Of course, there’s no reason you can’t write a villain that’s just truly evil - a serial killer, or an abuser, or a billionaire, or someone who legit just wants to hurt people or blow up the earth or stay in control of an oppressed population, or whatever. But chances are, it’s gonna be really hard to make them feel real, and even harder to create a plot around them that doesn’t feel forced or contrived.

Instead, try writing an antagonist / villain whose motivations and goals directly clash with your protagonist’s - but not because they want to take over the world or see people suffer. Write an antagonist who’s chaotic good, but whose perception of the situation is completely opposite from your hero’s. Write an antagonist whose only desire is to save people, and who will do anything to achieve that goal - anything. Write an antagonist who believes in the letter of the law, and will hinder and oppose the hero’s methods even if they agree with the hero’s motivation. Write an antagonist who got in way over their head and did some things they regret, and now they don’t know how to get out, and they’re doing their best but whatever they set in motion is too powerful for them to stop now.

Write villains who are human. Write a killer who thought they were doing the right thing by taking their victim out of the equation, who vomits at the sight of the body and sobs over the grave they dig. Write a government leader who truly believes she’s doing what’s best for her people in the long-term, even if it might hurt them in the short term, and is willing to endure the hatred and belligerence of the masses if it means securing what she thinks is a better future for her people. Write a teenage bully that thinks they’re the one being picked on by the world, and they’re just fighting back, standing their ground. Write a scientist who will break any code of ethics and hurt anyone he needs to - in order to bring back his baby sister from the grave, because he promised her he’d protect her and he failed. Write an antagonist who is selfish and self-centered and capricious - because in order to survive they had to look out for Number One, and that habit ain’t about to break anytime soon.

Write villains who aren’t even villains. Write antagonists who oppose the hero because of moral differences. Write antagonists who are trying to do the right thing. Write antagonists who treat the heroes with kindness and dignity and respect and gentleness.

They don’t have to be good. They don’t have to be Misunderstood Sweethearts who “deserve” a redemption arc. They can be cruel and nasty and dismissive and callous and violent and etc. etc.

Just hesitate before you make them Evil-with-a-capital-E. Because evil is hard to write, and honestly, boring to read. Flawed human beings with goals and motivations that directly oppose the main characters’ are much easier to write and much more interesting to read.

Ask why. Why is your villain trying to take over the world? What does that even mean? Are they trying to create a Star-Trek-like post-capitalism utopia, but they know that won’t happen in a million lifetimes, so they’re trying to do it by force? Are they actually super in favor of human rights, but they got very impatient waiting for the world to do anything about poverty and war, so they decided to take it into their own hands? Are they determined to fix the world - no matter the cost? Are they terrified and overwhelmed, but committed to see it through to the end? Or - maybe they’re just doing it on a dare. Maybe they don’t really give a shit about world domination, they were just a mediocre rich white guy who decided to fuck around and find out, and now he’s kind of curious how far he can take this thing. And now he’s kind of an internationally-wanted criminal, so he’s kind of stuck living on his hidden private island in his multi-billion dollar secret base, strapping lasers to sharks’ heads for the hell of it. Gross, selfish, uncaring, and dangerous? For sure. Evil? Depends on your definition. See, now we’re getting somewhere.

_-_

13) It’s tempting to let the plot control the characters. It’s easy to drop your characters into a situation and see how they react. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t drive plot. In fact, it bogs down pacing. Instead, try to build you plot off of your characters’ actions and decisions. Let your character build their own situation. Not to say it should go they way they wanted it to go; in fact, usually, their grand plans should go to hell very quickly. But having the characters take action and make decisions, and letting the plot develop based on that, is much easier to make compelling than making a rigid series of events and then trying to herd your characters into them.

_-_

14) Having trouble justifying a character’s actions? Consider having them make the opposite decision, or having them approach the situation in a different way. For example: you need your character to go meet the bad guy, for plot reasons, even though there’s no way it’s not a trap. If the character goes, readers are gonna be groaning with their head in their hands, because c’mon man, that was really fucking stupid. But he’s gotta go, because the plot needs that. Two ways you might handle this: a) He knows it’s probably a trap. He decides not to go. The plot conspires to get him near the villain anyway. Or, b) He knows it’s a trap. But he needs to go, for (insert reasons here). So, he approaches it in an unexpected way. He brings backup, recruiting a side character we met earlier in the story. Or he arrives on the back of a dragon, because ain’t nobody gonna fuck with a dude on a dragon. Or he goes - early, and ambushes the villain. It may work, it may not. He may get himself kidnapped anyway. But it moves the plot along without having Stupid Hero Syndrome.

_-_

15) This is a legit piece of advice: if all of this sounds overwhelming, literally just ignore it and write what you want. For real. Writing should be fun, and every single writer operates differently. If you’re sitting here like “I’m getting stressed just reading this,” just flip me a good-natured bird and get on with your life. I promise I won’t take it personally. Same goes for literally any other writing advice you see. Lots of rules and guidelines can very quickly make anything thoroughly un-fun. Just write. If you’re passionate about it and you do it for long enough, you’ll start figuring out the tips and tricks on your own.

_-_

16) Here’s the best piece of advice I can give you: know your characters. More importantly, know what’s important to them. Build their personality and decisions off of that, and build your plot off of their decisions.

I see a lot of character building sheets that ask a shit-ton of questions like “What’s their most prized possession?” “Do they like their family?” “What’s their favorite food?”

And while these are good questions, my problem with this type of character building is that if you start there, with the little stuff, you’re building on nothing. IMO, to make a truly strong character (not strong like Inner Strength, strong like effective), you need a strong foundation.

Here are the things you must know about your character:

a) What are their greatest fears / deepest insecurities? And I don’t mean “wasps” or “heights.” I mean the deep shit. I mean fears like “living a meaningless life,” or “turning out just like their parents,” or “that no one will ever love them,” or “being powerless.” You may say, “But they’re really scared of wasps! They fall into a wasp nest when they were little and got stung so much they almost died!” Great! That’s a fantastic bit of backstory. They should absolutely be afraid of wasps, and that should absolutely be an impediment later in the story. But dig deeper. What about that event actually scarred them? Was it the helplessness? Stumbling around, swatting at the air, not being able to do a single thing to stop what was happening to them? Was it that they were alone, and no matter how loud they screamed, no one was coming? Was it the bodily horror of feeling themself turn into an inhuman creature as they swelled up from the stings, unable to move their fingers or face normally anymore?

And don’t forget insecurities, because those factor in, too. Are they deeply insecure about their identity? Do they believe, deep down, that they’re ugly? Did they grow up poor and they’ve always been really touchy about that? Why? Dig deep. Figure out what really, really bothers them.

b) What are their hopes and dreams? What do they truly want out of life? What do they consider the most valuable to their experience here in this thing called life? Is it the freedom to forge their own path and be independent? Is it the approval of their family or peers? Is it a home? Is it knowledge, or understanding? Spiritual fulfillment? Is it deeply important to them that they contribute to their community, or protect those they love? What do they need in order to feel truly and deeply fulfilled in life?

Figure out those two things (each one encompasses several things, btw, you don’t have to stop at just one for each), and then use that to inform how they behave and the types of decisions they make within the story. 

It also informs character behavior and personality. 

Let’s say we have a character who’s afraid of helplessness. They’re probably gonna be the person that always wants to do something, try something, no matter how hopeless the situation seems. They’d despise just sitting and waiting, probably, because it makes them feel powerless. They might even be the person that makes rash decisions and acts impulsively and puts themself in danger unnecessarily, because in their mind it’s better than being at the mercy of fate. This is one way you could use a character’s personality to inform their decisions, which in turn helps to inform plot.

Or, let’s say we have a character whose greatest fear is being left behind or forgotten. We may have a chatterbox on our hands. They might be obnoxious. They might love the spotlight, constantly vying for attention no matter the situation, because deep down they’re so afraid that they’d be forgotten otherwise. Or, it may go the opposite way. They may be so afraid of people leaving them that they’re terrified of bothering people. They don’t want to do anything that could annoy people, anything that might give people a reason to leave them. They might be exceedingly polite, quiet, accommodating. A push-over, really.

These are two nearly opposite types of personalities, both stemming from the same core fear/insecurity. You can go a lot of different ways with it. But if you build on that strong foundation, you’ll have a strong character, and a stronger plot.

Likewise, the structure of your story can and should inform the design of these character traits. If you need your characters to team up near the end, it may be impactful if you give your main character a deep fear of commitment, an insecurity about being unwanted or left behind, and make them highly value independence and freedom. That could make their team-up for the final battle very meaningful. Conversely, you can use your character’s deepest fears and desires to help design the plot. Is your character deeply insecure about voicing their opinions or taking a stand, because of trauma they faced in the past? Make them face that. Build that into the climactic third act. Give them the big inspirational speech where they stand up and talk about what they believe to be important, what they think the group should do. And then design that character arc to run through the story, giving you more handholds and stepping stones, more pieces of foundation on which to design the plot.

In this way, character should inform story as much as story informs character. It’s a feedback loop.

Bonus: if you build your character and your plot off of each other in this way, it automatically starts to build in the foundations of that emotional investment I mentioned earlier. If your character’s decisions are based on what they most want and do not want in life, you basically have your character motivation and stakes pre-built.

Note: you need to know these things about your villain, too.

-_-_-

I’m genuinely sorry about the length of this, lmao. But you did ask.

Best of luck!

Edit: I forgot an important one:

17) Start when the scene starts and end when the scene ends.

What do I mean by that?

If your notes say “Danny asks Nicole out after school and majorly flubs it,” start the scene when Danny approaches Nicole after school. Better yet, cold-open the scene on “I was wondering if, you know, you’d wanna. You know. Hang out some time?”

Don’t start that morning when Danny goes to school, unless you’re gonna cover the school day in like one or two sentences. Don’t spend whole paragraphs going through the school day, unless it’s to cover other plot points first (in which case apply these same guidelines there), or if the paragraphs are there for a specific reason, like to illustrate how stressed he is and how it seems like every little thing is going wrong. Even then, trim the fat as much as possible. Expounding and describing everything Moment-to-moment is for the meat of the scenes, not the leading-up-to and coming-away-from.

Here’s my rule of thumb: study how and when movies cut from scene to scene. Movies have exceptionally strict, limited time for storytelling; they’re excellent examples of starting a scene when the plot point starts and ending when it’s over. If you can’t picture a movie showing everything you showed, start the scene later and end it earlier.

#asks #anon #writing advice #writing tips #writing #fanfic writing #fanfiction #character creation #plot development #character development #my advice #original writing

[mikeyinnit]

lovebug

Pairing: Wilbur x GN!Reader

Summary: Wilbur was done with love after he lost Sally, but when Fundy introduces him to one of Niki’s friends, things start to change.

Word Count: 2k words

Notes: Songfic!! I said they would be rare and it’s the second fic I post lmao. Inspired by Lovebug by the Jonas Brothers, totally willing to do a part 2 for this one because I have other ideas with other lyrics and stuff

Tagging: N/A

After Sally, Wilbur wasn’t really looking for anyone else to love, in fact, he had given up on love entirely. He had to focus on his son and the nation he was building from the ground up.  

Then you came into the picture.

You were a friend of Niki’s, that’s how he met you. Fundy was visiting the bakery and when Wilbur came to get him, he saw you helping the young fox hybrid make cookies. It was such a sweet sight that he took a moment to just enjoy seeing his son have a great time. When he did enter, Fundy introduced the two.

“This is Y/N! They’re one of Niki’s friends. Y/N, this is my dad. He’s single.”

Of course his son would throw him under the bus like that. But you just laughed, and god did you have a beautiful laugh, and held out your hand. A gesture that Wilbur returned with one of his charming grins.

“Fundy’s talked about you all day, I feel like I know you already…” you had trailed off, obviously Fundy only referred to him as my dad, prompting him to give his name.  

“Wilbur Soot.”

“Wilbur. It’s great to meet you.”

You gave him your phone number, clearly you were as taken with Fundy as the boy was to you, for him or his son to use anytime. Then you said your goodbyes for the night as you sent them on their way with the cookies you and Fundy baked along with some extra baked goods.

Called you for the first time yesterday

Wilbur hadn’t used your number for a good couple of days. He had been busy with L’Manberg and honestly had barely had time to see his son, let alone the enchanting stranger.  

Today was a day that he could actually spend quality time with Fundy, and obviously all of that time at the bakery while he was working just made the young boy want to bake cookies with his dad. Unfortunately, Fundy was very specific with what cookies he wanted to make. The ones he baked with you.

“These don’t taste like the ones Y/N made.” Was said numerous times throughout the night no matter how Wilbur changed the recipe so eventually, he just gave up and called you to figure it out.  

“Hello?”

Your voice rang out through the telephone and it instantly felt like all of the stress of this baking night was leaving his body.

“Y/N, it’s Wilbur. We met at Niki’s the other day?”

“Wilbur! Of course. How are you? How’s Fundy?”

Another grin was brought to his face at you almost immediately asking about Fundy, though he didn’t have the chance to respond as the aforementioned hybrid returned from getting more ingredients for the cookies and practically begged his father to put you on speaker so he could talk to you as well.

“Y/N!!”

It was almost like he could hear the smile on your face as you spoke to Fundy. “Fundy! What are you up to?”

“We’re trying to bake cookies but dad can’t make them like you.”

Wilbur heard that laugh again, that beautiful laugh that he first heard at the bakery.  

“That’s because your dad probably doesn’t know the secret ingredient that we used to bake those cookies. How about you give the phone back to him so I can let him know and then I’m sure you two will bake the best cookies ever.”

Then the phone was back in his hand and he spoke, “Secret ingredient?”

You grinned as you answered, “I just told him to tell the dough nice things in his life. Some people say speaking love into the dough helps, I don’t know if it’s true or not but he had fun with it.”

It sounded ridiculous, but Wilbur decided to try it.

“Thanks, Y/N. I’ll let you know how it goes.”  

This time, Fundy thought the cookies were perfect.  

I finally found the missing part of me

You became a big part of his routine after that night. He would see you at the bakery every time he came to get his son, he called you even when he was at work, you quickly became an important part of his life. Fundy loved you, days together often involved him telling Wilbur all about whatever the two of you got up to.  

Wilbur wasn’t a stranger to love, he loved Sally, he loved his country, he loved his son. But it felt very different with you. He couldn’t even say it was love yet, you just felt like you fit with him and Fundy. You were kind, and obviously cared about his son, you were funny, the texts and calls he exchanged with you never failed to put a smile on his face. And you cared about his son a lot, which was certainly not a negative. For the two of them, it felt like you were the perfect fit to the puzzle they didn’t realize was missing a piece.

I felt so close but you were far away

Getting used to having you in his routine meant it really sucked when you traveled to a village far away. Fundy missed you and honestly, Wilbur did too. You promised the young boy that you wouldn’t be gone for long, and told him that he was welcome to call you at anytime. Which Fundy took full advantage of. Every night before the young fox hybrid went to bed, he called you on Wilbur’s phone and the two of them heard about your day and they shared details of their own. On certain nights, you even joined Wilbur in singing a lullaby for him.  

People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that absolutely seemed true with your trip. Both of the boys missed you and wondered when you would be back, but luckily, you came back within a month. And you came back with plenty of gifts for Fundy, which made the boy ridiculously happy. You even got a gift for Wilbur, which was certainly a pleasant surprise since really, you being back was enough of a gift for him.  

That night, he invited you over for dinner. He said it was to celebrate your return, which is true, but he also just wanted to spend time with you now that you were back. You agreed, and the three of you even tried baking dessert, which resulted in a small flour fight initiated by you.  

Wilbur usually liked everything in order and in his control, something like throwing flour around and making a complete mess of his kitchen is something that Tommy would enjoy, but somehow it felt okay with you and his son.  

I never thought that I’d catch this lovebug again

After that night, Wilbur came to realize that he did like you, if not love you. You were a nice balance to his control and an escape from the stress of his job as president.  

At first, it felt like a betrayal to Sally. He decided he was going to focus on his son and his nation, not love. He decided that long before you came into the picture and he was a man of his word. Even if that word was only said to himself.

He knew he couldn’t just outright ignore you. Not only would that be unfair to you, it wouldn’t be fair to Fundy.  So he had to deal with it another way, throwing himself further into his work. It meant less time with his son but it was very productive for L’Manberg. Plus it meant Fundy got to see you and Niki more so Wilbur is certain that the young fox would understand and perhaps enjoy this more than spending time with him.  

There was a knock at his door but Wilbur didn’t even look up as he called out, “Come on in.” Obviously it wasn’t Tommy since the boy never knocked but it could have been Tubbo or Jack Manifold or even someone from outside of L’Manberg.  

“You would think that in a time of peace, the president would have more free time.”

He knew that voice. He could never forget the face that went along with it. Your smile and eyes never left his mind even with him trying his hardest to shut out the rest of the world.  

“Y/N, I wasn’t expecting to see you. What brings you by?”

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Fundy told me you’ve been sleeping here lately so I thought I would check on you.”  

And there was that kindness again. The kindness that made him fall in love with you in the first place.  

“I’m okay, Y/N. Just busy.”  

“Too busy to stop by the bakery to see your friends? Or to even come home and see your son at night?”

There was an edge to your voice and Wilbur wasn’t sure how he felt about it, obviously he thought that Fundy would prefer spending time with you and Niki over himself but it seemed like you disagreed.

You strongly disagreed.  

“I’ve just been busy. Running a country is a lot of work, Fundy will understand. He gets to see you and Niki more anyways, he’s happier that way.” He shifted his eyes back to the papers in front of him, letters he had been drafting for the past two hours and couldn’t get anywhere with.  

“Fundy is a child, Wilbur. Niki and I are happy to see him at the bakery but we aren’t replacements for his dad. His dad who suddenly became “too busy” almost overnight. What happened?”  

It truly was sweet the way you cared about his son that much. Enough to come to his office when you could be sleeping. This could have been a good moment for him to say what was on his mind, that he thinks he was falling in love with you and didn’t want to betray his dead wife. But he lied.

“Tommy has been getting into trouble with Dream recently, I want to make sure we don’t fight in another war so soon. Or ever again.” It was a solid lie, Tommy had a reputation for being a troublemaker and he could use that to his advantage. You seemed like you were about to speak, probably about Fundy, so he spoke first, “I promise that I will talk to Fundy and see him more as soon as I get this figured out. Thank you, Y/N, it’s really nice Thank you, Y/N, it’s really nice to know that someone else cares about Fundy this much, he needs that.”

“It’s not just him that I care about, Wilbur. I wish you would see Fundy more sooner but I was also worried about you, I know you care about him so something had to be going on for you to miss seeing him this often.”

Well that certainly didn’t help with him trying to ignore these feelings.

“Then I thank you again. I really appreciate it. Goodnight, Y/N. Get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Wilbur.”

I kissed them for the first time yesterday

Wilbur kept the promise he made to you. Considering the reason he gave you for being busy was a lie, it wasn’t hard to get back to seeing his son and by extension, you.  

If you asked him, he would say he’s handling his feelings for you rather well now. He hasn’t done anything about it but he isn’t shutting out the world so, progress.

It was another dinner night with you and Fundy, you had brought desert with you this time so they didn’t have another flour fight but it was still lovely. After he sent Fundy to bed, you stuck around.  

The two of you had been sitting on the couch together for a whole, just talking about anything, and maybe it was just because it was late and you looked so beautiful but something came over Wilbur and he asked, “Would you mind if I tried something?”

You nodded, curious about what he was going to try, but you didn’t stay curious for long as Wilbur gently cupped your face with one hand and leaned in to kiss you.

A kiss that you returned.  

I never thought that I’d get hit by this lovebug again

#mikey's writing #dream smp x reader #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur x reader #dsmp x reader #dream smp x you #wilbur soot x you #dsmp fic #dsmp x you #dreamsmp x reader #dreamsmp x you

[sourholland]

Ooooh angst “what about us?” “there is no us, there never was.” with tom plssss! Really love ur work 🌸

Last Kiss || Tom Holland

Summary → After a fling you and Tom had started while filming a movie together, he tells you that you two can’t be together anymore. Once you get home, Tom let’s you know that he made a mistake.

AN → This was supposed to come out yesterday, I just got lazy and waited to edit it. I can’t tell if I like how this came out or hate it, either way, I hope you guys like this. Also in honor of the Fearless re-record!!

Pairing(s) → Tom Holland x Fem!Reader

Warnings → Strong Language, Suggestive, Alcohol Use

Prompt(s) → 38

Word Count → 1.9k

The ringing of your phone sounded through your apartment loudly, the sound of the rain pattering loudly against the windows out-looking New York City. You set down the remote, feet padding against the cold hardwood while you looked for your buzzing cellphone.

You didn’t bother glancing at the caller ID, picking it up bringing it to your ear all in one quick motion.

“Hello?” You said, pulling a wine glass down from the cabinet.

“Y/N?” Tom’s voice came through the phone.

Your heart dropped, a breath catching in your throat while you stood in your kitchen. He was across the country, wanting nothing to do with you. He repeated your name through the phone, asking if you were there.

“Yeah, I’m here,” you answered, pouring more wine than you’d originally intended into the glass.

“Isn’t it like one in the morning in England?” You asked, listening to the muffles coming through the speaker.

“Yeah—yeah, it’s late here. I just couldn’t sleep, and I started to think of you. Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have called.”

You sat at one of the barstools, swirling the red contents of the glass around. You wanted to yell at him, or maybe you wanted to tell him how much you loved him. You sat silently for a few moments, bare legs cold from the draft.

“Tom,” you started. “I just don’t get why we have to rehash the past, you know? I came back to New York, just like you told me I should. You’re working on whatever new movie, I’m doing the same. I don’t know—I just think we should leave whatever happened between us alone. You made it very clear that it was me that you didn’t want,” you mumbled, pulling at the sleeves of your sweater.

He audibly sighed, the ruffling of sheets coming through the phone. He was probably in bed, if he wasn’t so far away you’d have asked him if this was a sad attempt at getting you to sleep with him.

“I was fucking stupid, and I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so fucking sorry, I’ve said that a million times,” his voice was hoarse and tired.

“I’ve already forgiven you, Tom. I just can’t keep doing this—this thing with you.”

You both went quiet for a minute, the only sound being the noise from outside in the bustling streets of the city and the rain. You knew you should hang up, block his number and forget about anything you two ever had. You’d tried a few times, unable to bring yourself to doing it.

“What about us?” He asked lowly, a twinge of hurt in his tired voice.

“There is no us, Tom,” you replied. “I’m not even sure there ever was.”

He didn’t say anything, you wanted to let out the repressed cry and tell him you didn’t mean it. That you were sorry and that you thought about him more than you’d like to admit. Something in you knew if you didn’t do your best to cut it off, you two would continue down the same everlasting cycle.

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay.”

The line went silent for a moment, and then your home screen lit up. The call had been ended. You downed the remainder of your wine, ditching the cup and just going for the bottle. You thought about calling him back, about apologizing and booking a plane ticket like some lovesick teenager.

You opened Instagram and began scrolling through your feed of posts, liking and commenting occasionally. You weren’t anywhere near drunk, merely tipsy and heartbroken. Your finger lingered on the button to go live, wondering if you really wanted thousands of people to see you in this state.

You left the kitchen and instead propped your phone against the couch, taking a seat on the white rug of your living room. You wearily pressed the go live button, raising the bottle to your chapped lips once more. You are pathetic, you thought.

“Hey guys!” You smiled at the camera and outpouring of greetings in the comments. Within a few minutes you’d racked in a few thousand viewers. You grabbed the guitar sitting against your wall and strummed the cords lightly while it sat in your lap.

userone: you are so adorable

usertwo: can you please say hi?!!!??

userthree: it’s my birthday y/n!

“I’m sorry I haven’t been very active on social media, guys. It’s been super crazy traveling back and forth from London to New York and then having to leave again in a few weeks. And now I’m sitting on my living room floor with a bottle of wine,” you laughed. A few familiar people popped into the comments of the live, some you’ve worked with and some you’ve yet to meet in person.

florencepugh: y/n!!!

gracieabrams: might just bust out the wine just for u

“Florence, I can’t wait to see you soon!” You smiled, “Gracie, I swear it’s making everything like a hundred times better.”

userfour: i’m in love with her

userfive: y/n saving 2021???!!!

“I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be singing,” you flushed. You did sing, before getting into acting you’d post a lot on Instagram and TikTok. It’d always been more of a hobby, something you loved to do, but weren’t good enough to pursue.

“I’ve had a little too much to drink,” you added. “So don’t get upset if I’m a little pitchy, guys.”

usersix: if she’s pitchy i’m not sure what i am

userseven: sing taylor swift!!!

“Okay, okay!” You chuckled, scrolling through the hundreds of comments saying to play Taylor Swift. You’d only just been crying to like three of her albums a few hours before.

“How about the chorus—and maybe the bridge too, yeah, that’ll work,” you mumbled to yourself, fiddling with the strings. “Alright, guys, Last Kiss it is. I won’t bore you all with the whole thing, though. I could never do Taylor justice.”

“And I’ll go sit on the floor, wearing your clothes”

Getting involved with him was singlehandedly the most stupid decision you’ve ever made, you thought. Late nights in his flat after long nights on set, ordering in and just talking, you two would talk as if you’d known each other your whole lives. It was something about the way he’d let you wear his clothes, or the way he’d tuck your hair behind your ear while you told him about whatever insignificant thing that had happened that day.

“All that I know,

I don’t know how to be something you miss”

The car ride to the airport was the worst, it was grey and cold outside. There was makeup running down your face, mascara covering your eyes generously. You’d wrapped filming a week earlier, unable to bring yourself to walk away from him.

You couldn’t tell the driver to turn you around, or could you? Tom had already made it clear that you were both in different places in your career. This wasn’t what he wanted. You weren’t what he wanted.

“I never thought we’d have our last kiss”

He had held you just a little tighter, you ran your fingers through his hair for just a second longer. The taste of each other lingering on the both of your lips. Like you knew it would be the last time he’d hold you without knowing.

His stupid smiled, the way he pulled away and ran his thumb over your swollen bottom lip. You were almost wrapped around his finger, absolutely sickened with desire and infatuation for him.

“I never imagined we’d end like this,

Your name, forever the name on my lips”

The day you’d left to come home to New York started with a huge argument between the two of you. He’d basically just told you that you’d both known from the beginning you wouldn’t last together. It wasn’t a matter of how much you cared for one another, but that it was impossible, as he put it.

His eyes glossed over and bloodshot, you a complete and utter mess. Slamming the door behind you as you left was one of the most painful things you’d ever endured. Even more painful, the fact that he never came after you.

“So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep”

“I can feel you staring at me, love,” he murmured against the pillow.

Your face heated, eyes averting to the stream of light through the sheerness of the curtains. He leaned into you a moment later, his lips soft on your own. He was warm, he was always so warm. You cupped the side of his face gently, pulling him in a bit harder.

“And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe”

You dropped your bags, stepping into your apartment after months of being away. It felt quieter than usual, desolate and empty from your being away. It was dark out, the illumination of the bright city lights from your windows.

You glanced down at your phone for a moment, not a missed call, not a text, not even a fucking notification. He’d simply told you to go home, nothing more nothing less.

“I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are,

Hope it’s nice where you are”

You’d texted Harrison a few times, regretting it almost immediately after. He was sweet, telling you that Tom would come around eventually and to just be patient. You’d relied on those kind words for some time, eventually deleting them all together.

After Tom’s first text, you’d realized he wasn’t coming around or regretting what he’d said to you. He was lonely, maybe even a bit desperate. For months you had been there to listen to him and hold him, and now you were gone.

You’d fed into it the first few times, sitting on the phone with him for hours at a time. Then you started to feel worse hearing his voice, silent sobs escaping as you’d listen to him ramble. Then your finger would linger over the decline button a little longer than usual when he’d call, until eventually you started to use it.

“And I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day,

And something reminds you,

You wish you had stayed”

Once you started to go out with other guys, Tom’s ‘I miss you’ texts became more infrequent. Paparazzi would snap pictures, and the next morning they’d be plastered all over the internet.

There was no doubt he was seeing you going out with other people, watching article after article about who you were dating surface. Would he be jealous? No, you thought. Tom was probably doing the same thing as you. Hopeless hookups, meaningless blind dates.

“You can plan for a change in the weather and time”

One early morning, you found yourself in a sweatshirt you’d stolen from one of his drawers and forgotten to return. Listening to the morning rush of traffic and hugging yourself, noticing the lingering smell of his cologne.

You wondered if he knew you’d taken it, if he would think you were pathetic wearing it months after you two had broken things off. This only made you clutch yourself a little tighter, closing your eyes and trying to remember.

“But I never planned on you changing your mind”

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