#i woke up at 2am to pee and then at 5:30am i wake up and so does he. i drink water and he goes to pee then asks the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

asuitcaseofmemories · 7 years

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"There’s a Storm in my Head and it’s Killing all the Flowers.”

I've been relatively vocal about having anxiety. I've had a LOT of people message me with support, suggestions, and pure curiosity. I'm always happy to answer what I can... Because though I realize my truth is the same as countless others. I also realize many of them suffer in silence. I think the more I share my struggles, the more others can hopefully understand what their friends, family, and loved ones are going through. I decided to give a brief glimpse of my thought pattern for just a simple trip. I went to Shanghai, which mind you I have been to at least 6 times now. Here ya go...

Tuesday

Okay I really have to get moving on those train tickets for Thursday. I open my computer and search for tickets to Shanghai from Hefei on Aug 31st. My appointment is at 1, so if I leave by 10 that will be fine. No wait, I can't eat breakfast before or my anxiety will make me throw up... I should leave earlier then get lunch there. Yeah, I need to eat I guess. I'll book the 8:00am train which means I have to catch the 7:00 subway and wake up at 6:00.

Okay this train station is closest to where I want to eat. I write down the date, time, and train number. I'll book 3:30pm return. Oh god, what if they're running behind and my appointment goes late, or the line at the subway is long, or I get on the wrong one on accident, and then miss my train? I better make it for 5 just to be safe. Shit, I need to have the concierge order these before the seats are taken... Excuse me while I check 3 different times to be sure he has the correct train info. He's annoyed.

I get the tickets and I immediately check the time, date, and train number.. Phew they're correct. I put them in my purse and go to walk away... Wait! Maybe they're the wrong station, better check them, again. Okay, they're right. Wait, maybe I have the stations confused? It is a big city... I better Google it to be sure. Okay all set, no worries!

Wednesday

11:45pm- I'm falling asleep but I suddenly realize that I NEED to plan out my day so I'm not late for anything. I check the address for Shanghai Station for the 8th time. I get the street address for the place to eat (in Chinese) justttt in case the subway is down or something. Remember I did see an article a month ago where that did happen. It will probably happen again, could be tomorrow. What's the subway station nearest to the restaurant? Hmm I better cross reference that 5 times. Google says that will take 32 mins on the subway, it'll take at least 10-15 minutes to buy tickets, another 5 minutes to walk from the station to the restaurant... Okay so I'll get to the restaurant at 11:04. It's only a half hour cab ride to the doctor from there. But wait, maybeeee traffic will be terrible. I should leave at noon instead of 12:30... just to be safe.

Okay, now I can go back to bed. Wait... Hmm I better look up the address for my doctor in Chinese... Just in case the cab driver can't read the business card font. Maybe I'm being silly? No I'm not, that's happened before. Do it. Okay go to bed. Wait! How am I getting back to the train station? Okay Google says it's a 35 minute cab ride, but it's probably 50 with traffic. That means I should get a cab by 3pm. I'll get there by 4 and the train boards at 4:37, and the security line could be long...

I feel better, now I can sleep. Wait... What if I can't get a cab? I took the subway from there last time. It was like a 13 minute walk, but I can't remember if I had to switch lines. Was the ticket line long there? Shit I can't remember. I better double check the line number and stop for the train station, again.

Seriously it's 2am and I have to get up in 4 hours. I finally begin dozing off, then I think "what's the weather going to be like?" I better check my weather app. It doesn't say it's going to rain, but maybe it will. Oh no I left my umbrella at that restaurant tonight.

Maybe I should've packed my backpack tonight, what if I forget something tomorrow? Okay I need to pack my passport, cash, tissues, sunglasses, glasses (in case I need to take my contacts out), eye drops (ya never know), contact case, coins for the subway, headphones for music, water, my iPad... Am I forgetting anything? Yeah you're forgetting to sleep. Go to bed Jess.

I feel the satin of my eye mask brush my face as I pull it on, and I take a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? My palms are sweating and my heart feels like I just ran the mile for the first time. I literally JUST did this trip 2 weeks ago. I went to the same area for lunch and everything. *1 hour later* I lift up my eye mask, after not sleeping a wink. What time is it? 3:30am. I pull my eye mask back on then immediately tear it off. WHAT. How is it 3:30?? Okay if I fall asleep now I'll get 2.5 hours of sleep. Go to bed.

One hour later I rip off my eye mask in panic... Shit did I set an alarm? I better check its for AM not PM. Okay good, it is. I close my eyes... Shit... Am I sure 6am is early enough? Ugh stop worrying and go to bed. I toss and turn for a bit and finally start to doze off. Great, now I gave to pee.

After the chill of the cold tile woke up my feet, I made my way back to the bedroom and slowly climbed back into bed. Shortly after I doze off, Corey's alarm sounds. That means it's between 5-5:15am think. A second alarm goes off... It's probably 5:30 now. Maybe I can sleep for a half hour.

I hear the shower start and think BUT maybe I should just get up to be sure I have everything around in time?

It's 5:45am and I am scrolling through my phone making sure I have everything screenshot for directions. I make a detailed itinerary down to the minute in my notepad, just to be on the safe side.

6:00am and my alarm blares as I'm holding it in my hands. Great, I feel like I'm going to puke. Why? Why didn't I sleep? I'm hungry. I wish I could eat but I will definitely get sick. Maybe I'm already going to get sick? I need coffee like yesterday. I should wait until I get to the train station otherwise I'll have to pee between here and there and I don't have time for that. But I'm so thirsty. No-don't drink anything or you'll have to go. I glance out the window. Ughhh why did I forget my umbrella yesterday? It's raining.

I begin getting ready and panic hits me. Why do I feel like I can't breathe? I'm literally putting on blush. Nothing is happening. Oh my god I'm having a heart attack. I AM NOT. But maybe I am, that does happen. I Google "symptoms of a heart attack" and "symptoms of a panic attack" ...again, like I don't do this everyday. I should really just bookmark them. Ugh why's this always happen to me?

I do a breathing exercise, that I don't have time for, because if I don't I'm surely going to DIE. My heart has slowed and I can finally breathe normal, but all that anxiety just wrecked my stomach for the day. Yay, that will be great to deal with. I'm out of Imodium which I'm basically taking as a multivitamin at this point.

I glance at my watch, shit! I've got to go or I'll be late! I put my hand on the door handle, and quickly remove it. Now I'm rummaging through my bag to be extra sure I have everything, again. I am meticulous as I rearrange the pockets I have my belongings in. Someone could steal my passport if I'm not careful! That does happen sometimes.

I push the down button outside the elevator 15 times for good measure. What's taking so long? I hear the ding of one arriving, and I get in. I glance at my watch- Yes, I'm on time! The elevator begins to slow and I immediately remember that time a few weeks ago when it briefly stopped working between floors with me and Corey in it. Oh god I'm going to die! Oh never mind, it's just someone on the 10th floor. Oh god I know him. "Good morning Jess!" "Hey, heading to work?" ... That's a stupid question. Why would you ask that? You know the bus leaves at 7, what else would he be doing? He definitely thinks I'm an idiot right now, because I am. "Yes" he replies. Lord, these last 4 floors feel like an eternity. I want to tell him I almost puked on him for a second there, but I just say "have a good day" instead.

It's 6:52am, and I know the subway leaves at 7 on the dot... The subway is right there, but naturally I'm freaking out anyway. I run down the large flight of stairs faster than necessary ... Oh no it's 6:56 what if it leaves early (Realistically I could take the next one and be fine)? I run down the next flight of stairs too. The sign says 4 minutes until the subway car arrives, obviously. I pace back and forth as I skim over my itinerary in my phone, for the 4th time this morning. I feel like a lunatic and now I look like one. I gaze at the map to ensure I know my stop, which is named Hefei South Railway (duh). I count the number of stops 4 times for good measure. I look at my watch. 7:00am, the subway cars are here.

I get on and grab an empty seat without making any eye contact. I slowly pick my head up and everyone is looking at me. Please stop. Maybe they're staring because my music is too loud? I dull it to the minimum and after a few moments I peek again... No they're still staring. I'm very aware of my skin's surface at the moment and it feels like it's crawling with a million tiny legs. A shiver goes up my back and I swallow much too loud for this silent car.

Shit, was that one stop or two? I was too focused on the million legs that I lost count. Ugh I can't see the map from here. Why did I sit here? Maybe I should I get up and look? No. I don't want this lady to think I moved because she sat down; I know my stop's not for 20 minutes. Plus if I stand I'm guaranteed to have to pee. I argue with myself for 10 minutes and begin to panic that maybe I missed the stop.

All the atoms in my body feel like they're about to burst into flames. I kind of wish they would. I can't take it anymore! I'm getting up reading the map! I'm sure the panic is evident on my face as I quickly remove my ass from the bench. Oh, I still have three stops. I better just stand here next to the door; maybe they'll stop staring at me if I squeeze into this corner? Nope. In the door's reflection I can clearly see all of their watchful eyes and heads on a swivel. Why does this subway car feel like it's closing in on me? I can't breathe. Am I going to cry? Because I feel like I'm going to cry. No really I can't breathe right now.

I close my eyes and pray to God to have pity on me and make me invisible to these watchful eyes. I hear the automated baby voice over the intercom talking; my stop is next. The subway arrives at Hefei Station and the I hear the hiss of the doors as they open. No sooner and I'm gasping for air as I catapult myself out of the car at a speed you'd think I was trying to escape death. I mean, it felt like I was. Phew, I did it. I almost hyperventilated for a moment there. Okay, no really...where the fuck's the bathroom in this place?

Step one of 40, but I did it.

So if you don't have anxiety you're probably like WTF is wrong with this chick; seriously who worries like that? Well, I do... And chances are many of your loved ones do too. This is just a glimpse of the hell going on constantly in my brain- just a snippet of ONE topic. My brain rapid fires thoughts like these, on countless subjects, ALL day long. It is exhausting, and frankly getting out of is a miracle most days. Sleep evades me at night, and consumes most of my days. I can't remember what it's like to feel "normal" and not feel this hell. This is just my daily, constant anxiety... not even a bad panic attack. Traveling used to give me the MOST enjoyment. Even though it's harder than hell to get to that destination, I push myself to get there. I have my bad days, weeks, sometimes months... But I will not let anxiety or depression control my life.

If you're out there struggling and feel crazy in your head...just know we are crazy together, and I like to think I'm a fun time.

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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I swear a circadian rhythm sometimes is a thing that just cannot be changed. Like, some people claim that you can change that at will if you really want to but I can’t really? I mean sure, I can maybe fall asleep and wake up in different times but what’s the most annoying part to me is that I’m then sleepy all the fucking time! And it’s incredibly difficult to stay asleep because I constantly wake up to look at the clock and I get disappointed when it’s still nighttime and I should sleep a lot more hours if I want to not be tired the next day. It’s really frustrating.

I mean, the night before I fell asleep around 10:30pm and yesterday I woke up before 8am, and I remember waking up around... 4am to look at the clock. “Shit I should keep sleeping, I don’t want to wake up now!!!” And the whole day yesterday I was so damn tired it was insane. And I finally went to sleep at 11pm yesterday. And I again woke up at night, but it was about 2am and again same thing: kinda worried if I will fall asleep again? Fortunately I did fall asleep, but I feel like there were more times than that that I’ve checked the time but the last one I remember was somewhere before 8am, again. So I had again been sleeping for 9 hours and my average need for sleep is 7-8h so that is more than enough (even tho some days/nights I sleep 12-13h just like that). And it’s again just 10:30am and the brighter it gets outside, the more tired I get and I’ve been awake only for 2 hours, and I got out of my bed only around 9am so I haven’t been even up for that long time. And I want to go back to sleep so bad now, but I have the same problem as yesterday: I’m hungry! (Also I’m on my period and I try to lay down as less as possible on the first period days cos of the possible “leakage”, so that’s why I usually don’t have naps during period. And can’t just... go and fall asleep on the sofa for this reason.)

I just don’t like it. When I sleep at night, I’m kinda annoyed that I waste my favorite time of the day and I’m also worried that will I stay asleep, because what’s even more annoying is to wake up, say, at 4am and not be able to continue sleeping. Because that means I’ll be even more tired during the daytime! That is why I keep waking up to look at the clock, “do I still need to sleep?” And even when I wake up at 8-9am, I’m so tired during the day that it just... physically gets on my nerves! And I can’t get anything done because my head feels like it’s full of something and my eyes are itchy and dry and my neck hurts from all the sleeping. And I constantly feel like drinking coffee to make this go away but I don’t drink coffee because of sweating and concentration problems + I won’t fucking shut up AT ALL if I get caffeine.

And when I sleep all the days, I don’t feel tired basically ever. And have to force myself to bed because I’m not getting tired. But still tired enough to fall asleep, but not being like tired 24/7 and it’s more like I’m not mentally tired at any point. And then I don’t get anything done because it’s so late and I don’t dare to start doing anything because I most likely can’t stop doing that thing if I get excited. And like I said, night is my best time and I’m at my best and my most creative after 11pm or so. But I don’t want to start doing anything anymore, because if I get really excited, I can be doing that thing for the next 12h without sleeping or eating and getting also really furstrated by other basic needs like peeing. I basically want to throw my bladder out of the window because “not now, I’m busy being creative you know???” And during daytime it’s difficult to be creative when I’m so super tired all the time that it’s hard to concentrate when I’m constantly nearly falling asleep on a drawing or video, or I just... freeze and sit here staring into the void for minutes because I can’t get myself moving. And then getting aware and annoyed by all the noises that don’t happen at night because everyone else is sleeping.

Oh well, maybe I’ll stop writing now and try to get myself breakfast. I just can’t decide between a bread and oatmeal. Kinda wanna eat the latter but it means I should soon (read: already) do dishes and the bread is faster and would be nicer because I’m so exhausted that even oatmeal feels like too much work, at this time of the day. And then I should decide what to do because, you know, I can’t eat in the kitchen doing nothing? I always watch tv or eat in front of my computer. That’s why it sometimes takes ages to start anything because I first need to know what to do while eating before getting myself anything to eat, because then I’d just sit there WITH the food while searching for something to do while eating, because there’s no point in eating while doing that because... well, then I’d have done eating when I’d finally find myself something to watch while eating? Which means I don’t need that anymore and I could move on to next “plans”, whatever they would be...

Maybe gonna play video games today. Or draw or continue editing a video but idk. I’m so tired that it’s possible I’ll spend the whole day in front of the tv and computer anyway. (At least video games might cheer me up a bit, but I also often get bored with them faster at daytime and that makes me even more tired.) Oh but I just remembered, I also need to visit a grocery store today, since I finally got some money. My budget for yesterday was just 20€ paper money and I was left with 5€ so I need to do some more grocery shopping today, since I finally have money.

#mcrmadness' random stuff #adhd

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sercram-blog1 · 7 years

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Connecting and Exploring: January 5, 2017

Today was a very fun day - a lot happened. Surprisingly did really well waking up - woke up at 9:30AM! I was worried about jet lag being an issue, but maybe not. When Tarlin and I got picked up at the airport yesterday, we met two other people - Shanleigh and Andrew. So this morning, we met up with both of them for breakfast at a cute little cafe called Cafe Louvre. It’s apparently 100 years old - it was very neat. DISCOVERY: street signs are on the buildings in red - but not on all the buildings. You gotta find the right one - I literally have no idea how you would drive it without a GPS or constantly looking at a map. It was a little difficult for Tarlin and I to navigate to the Cafe, but we made it eventually.

The Cafe Louvre was a lot of fun. DISCOVERY: there are still smoking and non-smoking sections in restaurants here, which was weird to see at first. We got seated in the smoking section. It felt like we were back in the 90s. Anyway, we all had a really great time connecting with each other and chat about our lives and where we came from. We even hit the topic of politics, which was interesting for Shanleigh to hear about since she is from Canada. We all got real close, real quick. DISCOVERY: Getting water at restaurants costs money - about $1. Also, the waitstaff do not rush you to leave by any means - we stayed there for like, 2 hours chatting. You also have to ask for your bill. A bit different. Moving on, the food was all very good, for a fairly decent price - I think I paid only like, just over $5 for water, pancakes with raspberry syrup and sour cream, and bacon (nice full plate). Not too shabby.

SIGHTSEEING: Next, we decided to do some sightseeing in Old Town Square. It was absolutely beautiful - I will try to get some pictures on here. Even outside of the square, everything is so picturesque - every building has just enough decoration and architectural enhancements to make even the simplest building look stunning. I was in awe at the beauty, especially in Old Town Square. We drank some mulled wine in the Christmas markets that were set up (still) and tried to get into the Church of Our Lady Tyn, but it was closed at the time. We stood by at 2PM to watch the Astronomical Clock do it’s on-the-hour show - this clock is extremely intricate and every hour the skeleton on the clock pulls the chime and each of the 12 Disciples come marching to the window. It is very beautiful.

Next, we needed to get some essentials. We stopped into this little cafe called Culinaria to get coffee (hot chocolate for me!) and use their free Wi-fi. We chatted for a little while more, and then searched to find a place we could buy some of our essentials (I needed a coat). DISCOVERY: there are public bathrooms, but you have to pay to use them. It costs about 5-10 Czech crowns, which translates to about $0.25. There is actually a little desk in the bathroom you go pay at before you go pee. Weird. Anyway, we did some shopping in Wenceslas Square, which is really close to my and Tarlin’s place. Eventually, I got the jacket I needed, Shanleigh purchased warm gloves, and we all picked up items to cook dinner at my and Tarlin’s place.

Came back to our place and we all just relaxed and ate cheese and bread while Tarlin cooked us all dinner. She was kind enough to cook us chicken in a Liberian “gravy”, which is not gravy as we know it. It’s basically vegetables cooked up until there’s a lot of juice, and then the chicken gets marinated in all those juices. So delicious. Andrew and I had to go on an excursion to find a wine opener, which turned out to be harder than we thought. We went to two grocery stores that were close by and they didn’t have any. I ended up using my very basic Czech to find us one eventually in a luggage store, of all places. Odd, but mission accomplished.

We now were able to drink wine while we ate the cheese and bread. We had a ton of fun getting to know each other and just hanging out. Tarlin finished dinner, which was absolutely fantastic and we all feasted. We then decided to hit up a little bar around the corner called Moskyt, which had very cheap drinks! A half liter of beer only cost approximately $1.05! We will keep that place in mind for the future! We had a good time (seems to be the norm). Only drank one beer each and headed back to our place around midnight. We didn’t want Shanleigh and Andrew to navigate back to their flats so late, so we just had them stay here - Tarlin and I each have an extra bed in our bedrooms, so it was no big deal to have everyone crash here. We ended up chatting some more (another norm) and stayed up til about 2AM. Such a great day :)

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