#i feel bad because his work is hard too. sow why should i complain? im a housewife. but im a young woman and ive had years of struggle

[its-thewordhecantsay-blog]

Same Mistakes

Some say that those who don’t do, teach. One could argue for either side of that argument with considerably little effort in my own opinion but that’s not subject of this essay. Not quite at least. This is the tale of the boy who cried wolf. Only the boy is a girl and the wolf is commitment. And yep you’ve guessed it, I’m the poor sap that plays the part of the villagers who keep running back to the same disbelief and disappointment. Why a paper a written at the small round table of some coffee shop you may begin to wonder. Well similar to boy and his wolf even though it wasn’t in the story i'm sure the villagers got annoyed about each other discussing the events. You see, I’ve been here before. More than once. My friends and family have done away the sharing of their sympathy for me. They’ve heard enough and I’ve had enough. But for some odd reason as hard as try my will power seems to eventually break on some point. And when it does, well if you’ve read this far already you wouldn’t need me to finish the sentence. Everyone around me is tired of hearing my cry and complain about my emotional pain and the should be. If I’m having to write out my feelings to laptop screen because no one is wanting to hear this story then maybe it's about time I learned something from it. But back to the original statement that sprung these thoughts of mine; Those who don’t do teach. I have spent the last year or so of my life (a side from my extraneous alcohol related blackouts) consolidating friends going through own breakups with one what should be simple concept. The concept being to cut contact. So someone left you in your early twenties, forget about them. Breakups just like all other things in life are subject to their own mantra of stereotypes and one of them being that person who up and walked out will return. In my experience, unfortunately, they did. And this happened to many people around me and it happens for different reasons. Some being a person making sure to let their ex randomly know how great they doing with the person they were sleeping with behind your back or simply because they care about you and what see how you’re doing and anything else you can fit in between. The most effective way of moving on from what I can tell is to just keep pushing. They walked out and now they want to talk to you? Um no thanks. Communication is still a form of being involved in someone's life which is a right the person who leaves no longer has a right to be a part of. While I absolutely couldn’t stand my friends scolding me for talking to or about my terrible ex, I soon found myself in their shoes for other people going through what I did. With exception of that phrasing being past tense, will providing my insight with those in need I left out the part where I was still involved. Still communicating. Still hurting. The miraculous part all that was that I was watching these people follow through with that concept. And the result? They moved on and they're happy with themselves and their lives. And me? I’m writing a virtual diary because I can’t seem to practice what I preach. It’s the third time around that I’m finding myself hurting emotionally because I let the same girl do me wrong once again. Its like that old saying, only I prefer the way J. Cole rephrased it, “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice can’t put the blame on you”. So aside from my network of peers tired of hearing of my sorrow on repeat, the reasoning for this evaluation is pretty simple. It’s my own damn fault. If you play with fire then you should expect to get burned.  So here I am after shattering the walls of my glass home in hopes that this time I finally get it right. A number of the nights that couldn’t be remembered due to the consumption of an unholy amount of alcohol or the digestion of barbiturates fading in my system would too many to count it seems. That’s why this should be different. You reap what you sow. Meaning that I can not expect to feel better about this baggage I continue to carry when I carry it by choice. Also I may not be able to grow from these excursions when my time is spent destroying myself. So this time around, things are different. I’m not crying. I’m not drinking.( With the exception of social outings) I’m not taking drugs. I am moving on. Life goes on and so should I. I knew that if I ever wanted to truly be happy again whether on good terms or bad I needed to get this person out my life is was to ever feel whole again. I would have rather done that on my own opposed to the girl in question abandoning me to fuck some other guy, again, but none the less. I won’t say out loud but I will say to myself in some weird sick twisted way, I’m actually thankful. The were was two times in my life where I felt a sense of normalcy in my life and those both included my isolation from the virus that had affected me so greatly. Those this essay is a paper written by me for me to teach and tell me that I am the key to my own happiness. I can choose to grow and prosper and experience life on my own. I moved back to the same city I crumbled in and I was staying with the same girl that crumbled me. I never had the intentions of staying with her long so I shouldn’t be upset things didn’t work out just because they weren’t on my own terms as planned. Im now finally free to hit the restart button and try my second hand in the place I previously failed. So am I upset, yes. But I’m also excited, there is a whole new world out there and It’s waiting for me to experience it all.