#kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

lol WHOOPS, I'd forgotten to post here to let everyone know that I'd be on vacation until the beginning of July, and then my queue ran out the day after I left,,, so apologies to everyone who was worried about me! I'm doing good and vacation was nice, and I'm glad to be back home with the internet a full-sized kitchen

#kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

so, fyi! :) I am often busy in my heart and in my hands, and as such, I might be absent for days or weeks at a time before shoving a dozen things in my queue, only to forget to click this app for another x weeks. thanks for hangin' in there with me, you're the goods,,

#update ? #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Just an FYI I'll be away from internet access until the end of the month (just about) so I likely won't see any messages, tags, etc...

Hope everyone has a nice holiday weekend (here and in the states) and for everyone else, don't work too hard!

#camping season babey #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Hey quick question what's the point of "post privately" here ?? I legitimately do not know. What's the difference between a regular post and a private one, other than the obvious that only the blog owner can see the private one

#please explain it to me i dont get why I'd need to post something privately. why not just hide it in my drafts? #kelly.tor #tumblr

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Can someone just. Pause things? Can I have a break! A little reprieve!

#i am so full of emotions and not all of them are positive. i am very frightened about monday and also worried about the after-monday #not for valentines day but a different thing happening this monday #i always feel nauseous and bloated and nothing helps. i literally felt a glop of discharge come out of me today and i almost out of body-d #im so tired of this #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Thanks so much to @ritchieblackless for tagging me!! ily <3

Rainbow album covers - place your favourite albums in a rainbow's order (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, white, black)

Albums I'm currently loving:

Killer - Alice Cooper For The Whole World To See - Death The Artwoods - The Artwoods Twisted Into Form - Forbidden For Whose Advantage? - Xentrix Purple Passages - Deep Purple Leprosy - Death Flick of The Switch - AC/DC Black Metal - Venom

notes: 1) For The Whole World to See is an album by the proto-punk band, and is not the death metal band that released Leprosy. 2) The Artwoods is a post-band-dissolution compilation album. 3) Purple Passages is a compilation album of Mark 1 era songs.

I'm going to tag @rickhunolt @daveslutstaine @vibesfromepicforest@thespiritofvexation and anyone else who wants to do it!

#it was fun to go through all our records to find these lolll #tag game #tag games #it me again #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

She got her titties out !!!!!

And they will not be caged !!!!!!

#kelly.tor #tattoo #tattoos

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Today's forecast is 25cm of snow. Last year on this day? We had 25cm of snow fall

#kelly.tor #weather

[quadraphonictypewriter]

I'm very Chronic Pain today and am, as the youths say, "straight up not having a good time right now."

#its making me mad at every little thing and i hate it. i have a ham bone boiling to make broth for soup to eat tomorrow #and the thought of eating soup is filling me with unbridled rage #and it sounds so stupid and it IS! but i am still mad #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Saw a very-2013 facebook questions game in my fb memories today and here are the highlights!

Well! Can anyone else relate LOLL

Looks like I thought I was the coolest person I know and that semi-long-term dating would never happen

And my personal favourite: my fears going from "standard" to "gifted child" to "my dad wakes me up in the middle of the night to show me weirdly-behaving celestial objects that he thinks are UFOs and he wants a witness"

#LOL GUYS IM CRYIGNFNFNF #also question 54 was -what colour are your socks- and i said -invisible- because i was always barefoot #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Judas Priest, Diamond Head, and Ostrogoth

Judas Priest: What's your favourite traditional metal band?

Even though Lemmy said "we play rock and roll," I'm gonna have to go with Motörhead.

Diamond Head: Most underrated traditional metal band?

Tank!! I never hear anyone talking about them enough!!! (plus Angel Witch's self-titled)

Ostrogoth: Which country has the best traditional metal bands?

The UK, for sure. I'd even go do far as to say that the majority of my favourite hard rock (and prog rock) bands are British. I mean, all you need to hear is the name nuh-wohm-buh-hum (nwobhm) and it's clear, they made their own fuckin genre for being so prolific and numerous

#i kinda went new wave of british heavy metal here but still. in a sense it IS traditional metal. #i love Saxon too though and Helloween! #kelly.tor #thanks Andy!!!!!! #daveslutstaine

[quadraphonictypewriter]

hey guess what it turns out that people would prefer to be belligerent than to admit they may have made an error in judgement

#fucking newsflash! i dont want you to agree with me i want you to acknowledge that sometimes people do evil things for money #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Bed time

#and i will surely pray as i lie down to greet unconsciousness #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

I am feeling a myriad of emotions right now and it all came on in the span of fifteen seconds. I went from telling my boyfriend about how I used to go to literotica dot com and listen to people's horny narratives and laugh at their attempts of "plot development" and then, not even five seconds after I'd finished the sentence while chuckling, I felt like I'd had a brick thrown at my chest and the brick was made of shame, a deep longing for the kind of comfort a trusted parent brings, the stabs of memories -- of being shunned in a playground, of mocking laughter, of a joke that you're not in on but turns out the joke is you -- and the intense heavier-than-an-ocean-liner despair of feeling like you'll never be anything, never accomplish anything, always just there and trying so hard but it's never enough, it never was and it never will be

I think maybe it all came from a look he gave me -- I know him, and I know that this look crossed his face because my monologue was confounding to him (when he was fifteen and horny, he went out and hit on chicks, got laid, and snuck back into his parents' house. Not listen to erotic stories being read and half the time finding the terrible storyline too funny to continue towards horny-rewards). That look of confusion, like the subject is an animal unknown to science or something you've never come across or even heard of before, is one I've been on the receiving end of more times than I can count. And I know he displayed it from pure amused puzzlement, but the small curve of his mouth into an almost-half-smile was the only thing separating it from "who the hell is that girl, and what the hell is she talking about, and why the hell is she saying it to me?"

That's something that happened to me a lot. And I know that all that bullying (those looks were the least of it) has affected me in a deep and intense way -- I also know that I was a weird little kid and didn't always think to hide it from those who bullied me -- and maybe the three times I changed schools at age eight, at eleven, at fourteen, if I had beat the shit out of the first kid who made fun of me, maybe I'd have gotten more than seven months of peace from all those 12 ten-month school years.

The look my boyfriend gave me today wasn't quite the look I was thrown all my life (because I still get that look from people I know and people I don't know, even seven-almost-eight years after graduating high school) and it wasn't borne of the same type of bewilderment, but it was close enough to set off a whirlwind of emotions.

And maybe that's the best thing I ever got out of therapy (many different types, methods, and results) is the ability to look at an event and find out what caused it. This used to take weeks or months (if I could even figure out why! Often, I just "don't [didn't] know why") and even recently, it would take me a day or two to really dig into the even and the circumstance and the precursors to figure out what it was that triggered me and why, and how to dampen the reaction next time -- because there's always a next time. But now, the drop of a dime event was at 9:17pm, and by 9:34pm I was typing this out, realizing exactly what it was that pushed my emotions into the chasm of my childhood turmoil. I took a shower (listening to music from my phone on the edge of the sink -- "Voivod" and "Condemned to The Gallows" by Voivod -- loudly, and I mean loudly) and now, I'm getting it. I'm thankful. All those years were awful and I hated almost every minute of it. I was duped by so-called friends and by peers, led astray by hopes and expectations, heard the deafening echoes of despair. But I'm here now, and I made it through all of that -- and for most of it, I trudged onward alone, terrified and sad -- but I'm here now and life is better.

Life is better. And I never thought I would ever say that, but it's true. I love deeper than I ever thought possible, I am happier more days than not, and my life is worth living. All things I never thought I could do, never thought I'd experience, didn't think I deserved. But I do, and I did, and I am.

I am.

#maybe I'll follow this up tomorrow with mofe but im exhausted from crying and its time for bed #this was like stream of consciousness journalling but if it helps someone; im glad #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

Hey just a warning I am writing out a person post and it might be a little damp (not dark or angry but not sunshine or lollipops either) and just wanted to give you guys I heads up,, feel free to ignore my outpouring of sudden emotions

#im fine but also. not (?) #kelly.tor

[quadraphonictypewriter]

-6 here right now, today's high was -4 and the low will be -13. Like an idiot, I said, "oh, well minus thirteen won't be too bad because it already minus six."

But alas, nay is the word.

With the humidity and the wind, our measly -6 actually feels like -14, I God knows what tonight's minus thirteen will feel like.

Celsius, btw.

#im so mad i hate winter #i wont see the sun or feel its warmth until april i swear to god #kelly.tor #weather