#i wish i could restart my life and make a better one where im very loved

[dog-girl-zezora]

Im a little drunk so im gonna talk about my best friend i no longer have in the read more and maybe ill feel better, if you read it thank you for indulging my rambling... im just................ im sad bud

soooo august 27th 2019 was the day me and my friend had a falling out...

because i forgot his birthday... his birthday is actually...  uhh i think itd august 17th but im not sure! cause i dont know when anybodies brithday is to be frank im like... really really bad at knowing that kind of stuff and ... idk...

but it wasnt just his birthday... his grandma died 2 weeks before it and i remember him calling me about it... i was in the middle of my summer vacation and i told him that if he needed me to call me and just let me know cause i was just not in town to be around him... i felt so bad...

but then the weeks went by and suddenly its time to move into school and im like, hey zak when im done with moving do you wanna hang out? and at the tme i was really really busy with orientation and getting used to starting my major and upper level classes of exercise science... the pre req to uhhh physical therapy,,, so you know busy

and he was like “no i have plans you need to give me a better heads up im gonna be busy from now on.” and in my head i was like... wow that was kind of oddly aggressive but im not gonna mind it so i just said “okay ill let you know what my schedules like its been p busy” and he never responded and i forgot to send him my schedule... 

2 weeks later he messages me like “do you remember what 2 weeks ago was?” and im like “no?” and hes like “it was my birthday and you forgot” and that basically just started the whole fucking shit show of shit... 

i asked him to hang out that weekend and he said he was busy when it was actually his birthday... and he didnt tell me... he ... sigh.... he let me fail... and i get it...

i get it i do i get it but ive never once in my life felt like a birthday was more important than 7 years of my life... i dont care for my bday... ... every year my friends remind me of their bday... my other highschool best girl friend always reminds me when we can hang out... its.. i just... i can never forgive him for that!!!

COME ON!!!! ATLEAST TELL ME IVE FORGOTTEN!!! AgAIN!!! YOUVE KNOWN ME FOR 7 YEARS AND NOT ONCE HAVE I REMEMBERED.... not once.... and maybe i couldve done better like put it in my phone... why doesnt anyone suggest things like that instead of waiting for someone else to fail...

and its like... fuck dude!!! he went off and was like “youre always telling me to brush my teeth and use deoderant and shower clean my room and to keep an eye on my spending” and im like DUDE!!!

YOU DONT FUCKING BRUSH YOUR TEETH IM SORRY AS YOUR BEST FRIEND IM TRYIGN TO HELP YOU REMEMBER HYGIENE... WHY DIDNT YOU SAY YOU HATE IT!!! HE HAS NEVER ONCE TOLD ME THAT!!!! i dont fucking want you to get bad teeth!! or to smell bad!! OR TO LIVE DIRTILY I CARE ABOUT YOU!!!! YOU SPENT EVERY FUCKING PAYHECK ON YOUR CAR ACCESSORIES YOU CANT TELL ME THATS GOOD SPENDING!!!

and i KNOW HE HAS ADHD!!! MY DUDE HAD BIG PROBLEMS WITH THIS STUFF AND WHEN I WAS AROUND I HELPED HIM REMEMBER.... and it wasnt fair why didnt he tell me like come on...

and like i know i know i know it was probably because his grandma died he exploded on me... but he never tried to make amends. 

i asked him i asked him my LAST MESSAGE TO HIM... was about how can i fix this problem and can i make it better... what can i do to help.

and nothing... no response. no messsage not even... and attempt to make it up with me....

it wasnt fair it wasnt. fair to me. he was my best friend for 7 years!! i told him everything i ever could my secrets my life... i cared so much about him!! and he wouldnt even GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF TRYING TO MAKE AMMENDs....

i itried... i tried.......  i wanted to keep trying but he didnt even want to try!!!!

..... and im so fucking sad about it man... 

i couldnt even get the chance to tell him that i was dropping out of school, that i was going to restart everything about my life that week. i spent those first two weeks in school crying my fucking eyes out because i wanted to kill myself so badly. i couldnt even tell him. why i forgot his birthday. why i couldnt make a better effort to try to talk to him. and i just... he didnt even consider what i was going through at the time and it fucking kills me man. i didnt even BOTHER telling him because if he was going to blow up over me forgetting this... he wouldnt care what i was going through. it didnt matter............. and it fucking eats me alive.

...

i think about him alot. ... many things remind me of him every single day.

the fact that i work as a valet driver is one of them. 

zak loved cars. he absolutely LOVED cars and new how to take one apart and put them back together. he was always working on something with his car, whether it was upgrades or fixing it... he was so smart. and now i work with cars. every day. every single day i work with cars and i dirve cars that i know he would love to see or hear about. this is a job he would LOVE. and its a job i have that reminds me of him every single day. 

i wish i still had him, i could learn to drive a stick, i dont know how to drive a stick and never thought i would need to, zak knows how to and he wouldve helped me learn if we were still friends. but were not.

he drove a purple dodge challenger. every FUCKING TIME i see one like it. i think of him. every time. i think of him. in fact im afraid it is him...

he knows where i live and he has a gate key to get into our gated community. i do fear for my life the day he might just fucking show up and ill just... idk actually i think thats just me wishfully thinking he’ll put me in a situation where i can talk to him... but chances are i wont be there because ill be at work... also he wouldnt. he wouldnt show up.... its been a year already. 

he said happy birthday to me... on my birthday, January 8th... he had the audacity to say happy birthday to me, but not to... try to fix our relationship... and i want you to know that i wasnt going to fix it either like that. i said thank you and that was all and had a VERY good night... but why did he do that. just to. stick it to me. he didnt even say anything else...

and now... its... today............... and nothing no sign of him still and ... i knew it would happen... its over its over its over...

this is the defining end... i dont care if he says happy birthday to me .... its over...

... i am so sad

i messed up in way i could never fix and i wasnt even allowed to try to fix it.... it hurts so much to think about.

Imiss him and i will always miss him.

and thats the burden ill have to live with for the rest of my life.

#long post #personal #i miss you so much #but im going to move on now #im... im done waiting for this to come back #im so sad.

[beanplague-moved]

Yoosung Kim’s Guide to a First Relationship

yo! the sales for @yoosungkimzine went through very successfully, and thus im able to post my full piece for it. here we go i guess.

AO3 | writing commissions | my secret mysme blog that has nothing on it.

Tip #1: Kissing

Yoosung’s first kiss with MC is his first kiss in general. It’s expected to be a little clumsy. The fact that it’s a spontaneous public display happens to be enough to mask the clumsiness.

On a related sidenote, he really didn’t think about how much the eyepatch would factor into the situation—and if he did, he assumed it wouldn’t really have anything to do with it. Lips and eyes are different, and kissing is always portrayed as instinctual and easy on television, so why would it matter? Except, well, depth perception is kind of important when it comes to just about anything, and so his first kiss is really, really good, but he’s also mostly kissing the corner of her mouth, because of the lack of aforementioned depth perception. Whoops.

That said, it isn’t the first kiss that’s especially complicated. It’s all the other ones. There are a lot of intricacies involved in kissing, or, Yoosung feels like there are. Even simple things, like a kiss on the cheek upon meeting each other, seem complicated. Is he supposed to initiate it? Would it be weird if he asked beforehand? Would it be even weirder if he didn’t ask? The latter seems more likely—what if he makes her uncomfortable? He’d never want to overstep his bounds, but how does one even ask about that sort of thing? Zen would know what to do—wait, thinking about what his friends would do while he’s on a date is weird, right? This is terrible.

“Yoosung,” says MC, as they tread the sidewalk, “You’re thinking too much.”

Yoosung manages a semi-humorous response. “I am not. I’ve never had a thought in my life.”

“You have been looking at me like you wanted to say something for five minutes now,” she replies, “And you’ve had lots of thoughts. In fact, you’re having entirely too many thoughts right now.”

She does have a point. He could be getting into his own head about it. He gets into his own head about a lot of things, and it’s good sometimes! MC likes that he’s thoughtful, or at least she says that she does, and Yoosung tends to believe most of the things she says. She’s a very honest person. She has no reason to lie to him, and Yoosung has no reason to believe she would lie to him.

No reason.

At all.

Except, well, Yoosung is still a victim of his own insecurities, and though he has confidence in MC’s honesty, there is some small part of him that thinks she could just be saying things to avoid offending him. And as soon as the thought crosses his mind, he regrets it. This was supposed to be a fun day, and his brain just had to inform him that he’s a terrible boyfriend who has no idea what he’s doing—

“Hey,” says MC. “Look at me.”

Yoosung is torn away from his thoughts, which is a very welcome thing, at the moment. “I’m looking,” he says.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” replies MC. “Because I can tell something is, and I want to help.”

“Nothing! It’s nothing—why would anything be wrong? Maybe you’re thinking too much. Maybe—” he stops. “Okay, yes, something is wrong.”

“And what is that?”

“I want, to, uhm,” Yoosung stops. For a second he thinks, this is going to be so awkward; but then he meets MC’s eyes again and she’s not judgemental in the slightest, and it kind of dawns on him that he’s worrying about nothing. “I want to kiss you.”

Okay. Still awkward, and every second he spends marinating in that awkwardness is another second wherein he wants to call this whole thing off and try again another time, like when you fail a level in a video game and load at the last safe checkpoint.

MC blinks, and then she goes a bit pink in the face. “Oh! Is—is that all?” she says, trying to maintain her cool. Yoosung says ‘trying’ because it’s clear that she’s just as embarrassed as he is, which is actually very reassuring. He isn’t alone in all of his overthinking and insecurity.

He nods, and MC meets his eyes before looking down at her feet. “I think,” she starts, lifting her eyes to meet his again, “that is a very fixable issue.”

Yoosung is pretty sure he undergoes a bit of a malfunction, for a quarter of a second—Yoosung.EXE has stopped working, would you like to restart or wait for him to respond? Apparently MC picks the second option, because then he says, “Okay,” and the second challenge arises, which is actually kissing her, rather than just thinking about it for longer than necessary. “Could you close your eyes?”

“Oh, you’re right! That’s a thing people do when they kiss,” MC jokes, “Imagine if they didn’t, though? Like, if we kissed and I was just staring directly at you.”

Yoosung feigns a frightened shiver, “That’s terrifying.”

“I know, right! It would be really funny, though. I should stop talking. I’m going to stop talking… now. Right now,” she stops talking, and Yoosung is semi-disappointed. He does love listening to her talk, but he also likes kissing her, which he can’t do while she’s talking. Relationships are so hard.

He places one of his hands on MC’s shoulder, and he brushes the dark hair from her face with the other before leaning down to press a quick peck on her lips. Is it weird to be doing this in the middle of the sidewalk, in broad daylight? Yes. Does the joy of kissing her outweigh the weirdness? Absolutely.

When he pulls away, MC eyelids flutter open and she says, “I love you,” and Yoosung’s heart flips. Her face goes red and she adds, “Well! Nice exchange we had there. Good communication.”

“Yeah,” says Yoosung, before adding, “I love you, too. You know that, right?”

MC’s hands move to cover her face. “Yeah, I know,” she almost squeaks.

“What are you doing with your hands?”

“I’m smiling too much, and it would be embarrassing —”

“That’s not embarrassing! That’s cute!”

“Of course you think so!” MC says, and then she bursts into laughter and Yoosung follows suit. “I love you,” she says, the giddiness dripping off of her voice.

“I love you,” says Yoosung, and he means so much when he says it. He means it with his whole heart.

She walks closer to him, looks up at him and closes her eyes. They kiss again. This time, it’s easier. He can’t stop smiling.

Tip #2: Scheduling.

“Tuesday?”

“I have classes on weekdays. What about the weekend?”

“Don’t hate me, but I have to visit one of my friends over the weekend.”

“I couldn’t hate you for that!”

“I know, I know. I just—” MC groans, “I just wish I was free so I could see my boyfriend for once!”

“I wish I was free so I could see my girlfriend!” replies Yoosung, leaning back in his desk chair and looking up at the ceiling. He and MC have been on the phone for around ten minutes now, talking about this and that, but mostly trying to set up their next date. As it turns out, they’re very busy people.

It goes on like it has for a little while. As it stands, the two of them are pretty busy for the month, and the days where one of them isn’t busy are days where the other happens to be busy. It’s very inconvenient. Yoosung has school, which he might have been okay with putting aside in the past, but now he’s trying to do better and ready himself for the future and all of that other garbage. It’s a total bummer. If only past-Yoosung was the one with the girlfriend, then he’d have so much more time to hang out with her. Of course, he’d have remained game addicted and vaguely depressed, but whatever. You win some, you lose some.

MC, on the other hand, has an active social life in addition to the fact that she also goes to school, and the universe didn’t even have the decency to make them go to the same university. Truly, nothing in this world is fair. And, speaking of nothing being fair, Yoosung also has his extracurricular obligations. He may have cut down on LOLOL, but he has friends who he plays with from time to time, and he’d be remiss to flake on them; and then that’s not even getting into the activity meetings he attends at school.

“What if,” says MC, after a few minutes of contemplation, “I came to one of your meetings with the meteor study club? Or maybe I could get into LOLOL or something?”

“For real?” Once Yoosung manages to process the concept, he can hardly contain his excitement. “For real?!”

“For real!” says MC, “I mean, I already play a few video games, and it doesn’t seem that hard to get into. And the club meetings sound pretty cool!”

“They are! And LOLOL can be a little overwhelming, but if it’s just me and you and my group of friends it should be fine—” Yoosung cuts himself off, “I should get into the stuff you’re into!”

“Oh, it’s fine! I don’t wanna drag you into anything.”

Yoosung shakes his head, and then quickly realizes that he’s on the phone and MC can’t see him. “It’s not fair if you’re just getting into the things I’m into! And it’s really cool to think about us sharing interests and everything and—” he stops himself before he can ramble for too long, “I would be totally cool with it.”

MC is quiet for a moment, and then she speaks. Yoosung can tell she’s smiling. “Maybe you can visit my school, then. I’ll introduce my cool boyfriend to all of my friends.”

“And I’ll get to introduce my cool girlfriend to all of my friends! Well, I mean, you already know most of my friends because of RFA and everything, but the other ones! You can meet one of my LOLOL friends,” he says, “And you can meet my friends from school! They’re also pretty cool. You met Star through email for the party, actually!”

“I did! And, uh, sorry for the typing in the background. I’m trying to make a LOLOL account. Should I go healer?”

Okay, maybe this is stupid, but just hearing his girlfriend talk about trying out his interests is really, really nice. Everything is nice with her, but this especially. “I love you,” he says, dreamily.

“I mean, that doesn’t exactly answer the question, but you are killing me! You’re killing me dead!”

“With love?”

“With so much love! I’m getting overloaded. I’m going to shut down soon, like an overloaded computer.”

“Oh! That reminds me—do you have a desktop? I wouldn’t try installing the game on your regular laptop if you don’t. It might not run very well, and it could overheat your computer,” he stops, “I’m sorry, I’m getting over excited about this stuff.”

“Don’t be! I love when you’re excited. It’s very, very cute,” says MC.

“You’re cute!”

“No, you’ve already dominated the cute economy. It is shattering in your wake. You can’t take back the damage you’ve done.”

It goes on like that for a while, and Yoosung is eternally grateful that his girlfriend is as smart and funny (and cute) as she is, and that of all guys, she likes him! It really is a statistical miracle. Of all guys, MC is willing to make time for him. She’s willing to look into his interests to spend time with him. And she doesn’t get bored when he starts raving about that one time he built a gaming PC or how the LOLOL community is actually improving now that it’s becoming more popular—she doesn’t mind any of that. She likes him, and not despite his interests or quirks, but because of them.

That’s never been anything Yoosung imagined for himself. It’s always been something he thought other guys got out of relationships; something that was reserved for those much more together than he was. Yet he is that guy, now. He’s the guy in the perfect relationship, with the perfect girl, which brings up the question…

What does she see in him?

Tip #3: Jealousy.

He starts thinking more heavily on this when he sees MC talking in the chatroom the next day. 707 is teaching her how to code, and it’s completely innocent—he knows nothing is going on—but his mind can’t help but wander.

Because, yeah, nothing is going on right now. Maybe nothing will be going on for a while longer, but what if? What if she slowly but surely begins to realize that Yoosung isn’t anything special, but the other guys in RFA are? Zen is an actor, and he’s popular with girls already. Mostly Jaehee, but other girls too. Jumin is almost comically rich, (like, the kind of rich where it’s represented in a cartoon as a pool of gold coins and extremely high bills) and he’s handsome and mature. 707 is funny and smart, and he and MC seem to get along really well. And Jaehee isn’t a guy, but she is intelligent and well put-together, which are things Yoosung has yet to fully achieve. (Well, he is intelligent. He has a million test scores from high school that tell him so, but he doesn’t know if any of that knowledge truly equates to the real world. It certainly needs some work, considering the last few years wherein he did nothing but play video games and slack off.)

So when he watches the chat pass by, and 707 talks about how nice it is to be a teacher and MC responds with a string of smiling emoticons, it kind of stings. Even when Yoosung knows it doesn’t mean anything. Even when he knows that nothing would ever happen—there’s something about his own insecurity that always gets in the way.

This dreadful thought passes into the next day, and Yoosung and MC are going on a date—MC is coming to one of the meteor study meetings tonight, and it’s actually a really special meeting. Apparently it’s expected that the stars will be much more visible today than they are normally, so they’ve a stargazing event in the park. Some of the club members bring telescopes and beach blankets to sit on, and the park is really pretty in the day already, so Yoosung is pretty excited to see it under the moon and starlight. It sounds really romantic, and it definitely would be, if not for the myriad of baggage he’s bringing to it.

And he knows that it’s stupid. He knows the jealousy is an ugly emotion, and that MC would never hurt him in any way. He knows that, and yet he still feels like this, and he feels kind of pathetic for that. The thought pesters him throughout the day with MC, and she seems to notice his irritation.

“Babe,” she says, and that’s almost enough to make him drop all hostile emotions, because that’s a pet name and she said it so casually—but then he thinks about how one day, she could call someone else babe, and he mentally damns himself for ruining such a cool moment. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You aren’t fine! You said ‘I’m fine’ in a very not fine way.”

“I’m fine, really,” says Yoosung, and MC narrows her eyes at him, but she seems to let it go. They talk about other, more casual things. For a moment, it seems like all of his previous worries can just melt away.

Except, then MC’s phone buzzes, and all of that bitterness floods right back. Apparently Yoosung doesn’t do a very good job of hiding his stupid, terrible jealousy, because MC recognizes that something is off as soon as she looks at him.

“Seriously, Yoosung, what’s wrong?”

For a moment, he loses himself and says, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask Seven—” and then he cuts himself off, immediately realizing how impeccably wrong that statement was, “Oh, God. I’m sorry, I just—” he inhales, and he looks down at his feet.

“Yoosung, it’s fine,” MC puts a hand on his shoulder, “What’s bothering you about Seven?”

“Nothing! I’m just—I keep feeling—augh,” he groans, “I’m jealous. And I keep feeling jealous, all the time, even when I know it’s dumb!” There’s a moment of silence that passes, and every second is one where Yoosung worries that he’s ruined everything.

“It’s not dumb, it’s natural,” reassures MC, “And you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“I mean, I know that, though,” he says, “the problem isn’t that I don’t think you’re faithful—I know you are. I just, I don’t wanna feel the way I do. I don’t wanna be that guy.”

“And you’re not!” says MC, “You didn’t get upset with me, aside from that one comment, which you immediately apologized for. You didn’t try going through my phone or tell the other guys not to talk to me or anything. You talked to me about it.”

“I—” he stops, “You’re being too nice.”

“I’m not! I promise, I don’t think any less of you for feeling that stuff,” she says, “In fact, I feel better that you at least talked to me about it. And, well, I’m gonna say something super embarrassing, so don’t make fun of me,” she inhales, and then starts, “I like you a lot, Yoosung, and I want you to talk to me about the things that you feel, because I want this to work. I want to be with you for as long as humanly possible, and I know that these things only work if we, you know, communicate.”

Yoosung pauses, and he looks at MC. He really is so in love with her. He’s in love with everything about her. Everything that contributes to her is something he’s in love with. And he could voice all of this, but then he’s suddenly very aware of tip #1 and, well.

“I love you,” he says, “Can I kiss you?”

“See! What’d I tell you about communication,” tries MC, her face quickly going red, “I. Um. Absolutely.”

They kiss, and it’s a soft, brief kiss that feels like it could last a lifetime. She threads a hand through his blond hair, and she says, “This is a really, really awkward thing to do at your stargazing event,” when they pull back and suddenly Yoosung is very aware of the fact that he and MC are in a public park with their other club members. Star, at least, is pretty understanding—as she seems to be squealing to someone else about this very private moment she just witnessed.

They kiss once more that day—well, that night. As the moon settles and the stars beam in the ink-dark sky, and he holds MC’s hand and points at the constellations, he meets her eyes and he realizes that he never needs to worry about anything, because they have it all together. They can learn as they go, and they can take those lessons and carry them over into every future issue. He thinks about these past few weeks, from the first text to now, and all of the problems they’ve encountered, and all of the solutions they’ve come to.

And in his heart he’s confident that they’ll do just fine.

#mystic messenger #yoosung kim #mysme yoosung #yoosung x mc #mysme fanfiction

[bbbb-barnes]

Dance With The Devil [ 4 ] - A Mobster!Bucky X Reader.

Summery- You’re a hard working NYU student that left a small town childhood of gangs, drugs and violence behind. When you find out your mother is struggling you go back home to help, only to realise the gang your father used to run has become ruthless, however a handsome and dangerous man from your families rival gang catches your eyes and you can’t seem to stay away

WARNINGS; Swearing

I’LL DO THE TAGS IN THE MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP 

sorry its a short 1 xox

if you like this plssss comment and send me asks, im trying to communicate more with people on this site so lit ama. 

You took a moment to provide your best poker face, to try to ignore the fact his intense baby blues were burning into the side of your head, whilst you stared straight ahead, sinking into the soft leather interior of the plush, car seats. It was in that moment you realised how vulnerable you were in this situation, you didn’t doubt this man had killed people and that he could kill you and make it look like an accident, yet you were sat alone, in a car with him, late at night. You’d had such an overwhelming evening and panic bubbled up in your chest as you shifted in your seat, assuming the lack of air was coming from the sharp seatbelt cutting into your neck, you tried to manage your uneven breathing as you stewed over your conversation.

“I’m not going undercover for you, I’m sorry I can’t put my family in danger like that” You had tried not to sound too pleading, but you failed as you gushed your plea desperately. He looked straight ahead, driving down the boulevard, you tried not to stare when the street lights illuminated his stubbled and handsome face, he chewed his lip in consideration.

 “No offence, Doll…I’ve known you for all of 2 minutes I wouldn’t trust you with that” He hummed, not sparing you a glance as he took a smooth left turn into a dimly lit parking lot you didn’t recognise, he put the car in park and rolled his broad shoulders.

“Are you going to murder me?” You blurted out in a slight panic, whipping your head around to get a better view of the abandoned lot, he chuckled, finally sparing you a glance and you wish he hadn’t, you felt yourself squirm under his intense slightly humorous gaze, you didn’t like being the centre of his attention, it felt like he could see every impurity and imperfection on your face and he looked at you so intently it felt like he was reading your mind like it was his favourite book.

 “Not today” he teased with a wicked grin, you took to examining your shoes, letting your hair fall and frame your face you were thankful for the mask it provided. 

“I want you to work for me, for a few weeks” he said casually, and you raised your eyebrows in confusion. 

“I don’t do arms deals” you replied a little flatly and he threw his head back with musical laughter and you marvelled at the sight for a second, before returning your gaze to anything but him.

 “I need a housekeeper, mine had to unfortunately stop working for me yesterday” he explained, like it was the most normal thing in the world, he must have sensed your confusion because he continued to speak without waiting for any acknowledgement from you.

 “You said your family are struggling, it’s a way to earn some extra cash for them, I offer a very competitive rate. I’d also like to keep my eye on you” He watched you carefully, waiting for your reaction. 

“Keep an eye on me?” you asked with a disgusted tone, sitting up slightly. 

“Whether you like it or not trouble attracts you Y/N. We have some… important deals happening right now and I’d rather you didn’t wander into the middle of them and cause a fuckin’ war, you may not like or acknowledge the fact you have a tie to this lifestyle, but other people won’t ignore it” He ran his hands through his hair and sounded a little exasperated as he explained all this to you. 

“How will me being in your house, help you at all?” You questioned, he sighed and started the car up again with a jolt and started to drive.

“You’ll be out the way and if Jack finds out it might piss him off a little” he grinned wickedly, you opened your mouth to protest but he cut you off.

“I saved your life back there” He reminded you simply and your mouth snap shut at his words, you realised you were getting off the hook pretty easy with a job offer, you were sure he had an ulterior motive but you were too exhausted to try and decipher it tonight, you lent your head against the leather headrest and enjoyed five minutes of peace watching the word pass by outside the window. You noticed you were getting closer and closer to your neighbourhood, when you realised you didn’t want this guy to know where you lived, you panicked slightly and make a snap decision. 

“Anywhere here is fine” you spoke up meekly, he eyed you for a moment before coming to a stop a few blocks away from your house, he watched you closely with a small smirk on his face, you returned his gaze with a confused one and he just unlocked the doors for you.

“Well, thanks for everything I guess…” you said awkwardly, he just nodded, you gave a pathetic wave and clambered out of the car on to the chilly street, you shut the door behind you and gave him another wave, signalling him to leave, he just gave you another small nod. 

“See you later” You tried one last time, you slowly walked up the stranger’s drive, hoping he would see you leave and drive off, but there he stayed, watching and waiting. Your face burned as you let out a frustrated huff, you started to walk back home admitting defeating and lamely hoping he wouldn’t notice but when you heard his car start up and heard it slowly creep behind you, you wanted the ground to swallow you whole, he drove alongside you and wound down his window slowly, you didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking but you could hear the grin in his voice. 

“Where ya goin’?” He teased with a snort and you felt your neck flush with embarrassment. 

“Home” you mumbled, and you heard him laugh again. 

“You think I didn’t already know where you live?” He asked, with a little disbelief in his voice and you stopped walking and finally looked at him. 

“How do you know that?” you questioned, and he gave you his signature grin.

“I know everything” his wicked blue eyes twinkled in the moonlight, you tried to think of a witty remark but as you did so, a dog barked violently from a nearby garden, a loud and stark contrast to the quiet and peaceful evening, it made you visibly jump which in turn made Bucky howl with laughter, you glared at him and resisted the overwhelming urge to stamp your foot like a toddler. 

“Get in the car, Y/N” He demanded in a soft tone and you were too tired to protest, so you slouched into the car and folded your arms with a huff as you flopped back down into the seat. 

“Excuse me for not wanting a mob boss to know my address” you huffed, out of your peripheral vision you saw him raise an eyebrow at you, but he said nothing. After a few minutes of driving he pulled up to the correct house and turned the engine off smoothly and faced his body towards you.

“You start at 9am tomorrow, they’ll be a car here at 8:40am to pick you up” He instructed more seriously, and you nodded a little lethargically and ambled out of the car with a muttered ‘goodbye’

“Wait what shall I wear?” You asked innocently, not realising in your tiredness the implication of the question, he smirked at you through his open window, one arm leaning out casually. 

“Don’t worry, I think I have a maid outfit knocking around” he joked, shit eating smirk still plastered on his face, you simply rolled your eyes and dragged yourself into your house, not looking behind you as you went. When you got into your room, you dragged your feet to your window to pull your curtains close, you paused when you saw his sleek car still sitting stationary outside your house, it took you by surprise, but you quickly closed your curtains and ignored you quickening heartbeat. It wasn’t until you were peacefully tucked up in bed until you heard his engine restart his car drive away. 

You didn’t get much sleep that night. 

#Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky fanfic #bucky fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky drabble #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine #mob!au #mob!bucky #bucky barnes x you #Steven Rogers #steve rogers x reader #MCU #Avengers #avengers x reader #avengers fic #bucky barnes fandom #bucky fic #bucky barnes fic #stucky #captain america

[loftyexecutor]

clean slate (10/?)

Pairing: (eventual) addcest [LPDE] & elsain [LKATh] WC this chapter: 2600 Rating: T+ TWs: (past) abuse, talking about it, ptsd flashbacks, anxiety attacks AU: modern/single parent Lusa (with his tiny son Arc) + runaway Esper (hah) Notes: shoutout to @bitgaram-mu for flinging themself out of a window after the last chapter rip

ao3 link

“I’m sorry, but it seems you should come back to meet Esper some other time,” Lusa says, holding a hand over the phone so Arc wouldn’t hear him. His adrenaline is spiked so high he feels his arteries will pop one by one.

Asker stands up from the armchair, having not budged at all until now. “Unfortunately, that is not possible. After all, I won’t be returning here, and neither will Esper. That insufferable child needs to be put back in his place.”

Lusa frowns, staring the man down with a mixture of shock and nausea brimming in his stomach. “You should go,” he says, unnaturally level, “Now.”

“Very well, looks like my unchecked tongue resulted in me overstaying my welcome. It’s not like Esper is here anymore, anyway. Now where could that brat have hidden? Surely yours has an idea?”

The phone screen crackles under the force of Lusa’s grip. It’s only one, two steps before he’s close enough to the man to wind his arm back. There’s a sickening crunch as his fist makes contact with the man’s jaw and sends him backwards with sheer power.

“I will not repeat myself,” Lusa mutters, all too ready to send another punch. “Leave.” His breathing is shallow; he sees red when he stares at the primly dressed man, now bleeding from his probably broken nose.This man is the reason why Esper ran away, why Arc is crying into the phone. Esper had call him his father, so that means…

His heart beats frantically, and the more pieces his brain puts together, the less he can think about, save for ‘this man deserves to die’.

“I won’t let you lay a hand on Es ever again,” he hisses. The reason for Esper’s fear is right there before him; Lusa isn’t about to pass up an opportunity to break more than just his nose, especially since best case scenario, it’s never presented to him again.

“Now, now, let’s not get hasty here—”

Too little, too late. Lusa is throwing another punch already, enjoying the pained noise that leaves Asker a little too much. It’s all too easy to yank that crisp collar up and drag the man out of the house.

Arc’s sniffles are still audible through the phone. Lusa needs to get to them yesterday.

He throws Asker to the ground without a shred of mercy. The blood splatter on the cobblestone path is like a trophy. Lusa shouldn’t feel accomplished seeing it there, but to hell with it now, he does.

“If you ever show your face here again… You’ll end up with more than a few punches. Trust me when I say I have no qualms about taking a pathetic life like yours.”

Asker coughs, picking himself up with obvious difficulty. Duly noted, he groans “Don’t know what you see in that stupid child anyhow. He’s about as useless as a broken TV.”

Lusa is kicking out before he can stop himself. Right in the stomach, heel driving into the soft meat there. “Not another word, you asshole!”

Asker is writhing on the ground like the worm he is and Lusa would love to keep watching him, add a few more kicks to the tally, but he’d already wasted more time than he should have.

“I’m coming, Arc, hang in there, okay?” he tells Arc, “I’ll fix everything.”

Maybe he shouldn't’ drive in a state like this, but he doesn’t care much, already peeling off and heading into the town. He’s lucky no police cars patrol that day, because he breaks no less than five traffic rules within the four minutes it takes to get to the correct shop. He even leaves the engine running while scavenging the alleys.

Arc provides half-helpful, half-choked tips that lead Lusa into the correct place.

“Dad!” Arc cries as soon as Lusa rounds the corner, out of breath.

“Oh, thank god,” Lusa sighs, dropping to his knees in front of his family, ignoring the sting of concrete. His heart aches at the sight; Esper is curled up in a corner of the dirty spot, staring down and holding Arc close to his chest like his life depended on it.

Lusa reaches out slowly, so as not to startle Esper, but he doesn’t seem to even notice him.

“Es, c’mon, it’s me,” he cooes, but still nothing. “Gimme Arc, we can’t stay here. Let’s go home.”

He tries to pull Esper’s arms away from Arc and pull them up, and that's when Esper finally reacts, snapping back to himself, though Lusa isn’t sure he’s happy about it now.

Esper jumps up, hugging Arc so he doesn’t fall. “No!” he cries, voice breaking painfully, “I won’t let you hurt Arc!”

“Es, that’s dad!” Arc tells him, but Esper is acting more like a startled rabbit than anything. He even backs up until his back hits the wall, effective trapping himself further in the corner.

“Esper…” Lusa grits his teeth, fighting back tears that threaten to fall from his overflowing eyes. “It’s me, c’mon… I won’t hurt you, I’d never…  I’d never hurt you or Arc… Please, let’s go home now…”

“Home…” Esper echoes, shoulders slumping from their tense position. His eyes gain a panicked glint, brows arching up and scrunching together. “It’s not cleaned… Father will come home, he’ll see… Hurts… Stop it, Im— I’m sorry… Please, I’ll clean it—”

Against better judgement, Lusa listens to his instinct and wraps his arms around both Esper and Arc, holding the shaking man while he bawls, muttering apologies and incoherent descriptions that only further break Lusa’s heart, or what’s left of it right now.

Oh, how he regrets not breaking more than Askers nose!

“Esper, it’s fine… He’s not here anymore. He can’t hurt you, I won’t let him. C’mon now, let’s go back to our home, not his. No cleaning, we’ll order take out and watch a ninja movie, how’s about it?”

Esper sniffles. “Lusa,” he mutters, stopping his rambles as if he just notices who he is with, who is holding him.

“Yeah, it’s me. Let’s get out of here, put Arc down, I’ll hold you.”

Reluctantly, Esper puts Arc down, and the kid runs up to Lusa to hug him, hiding his face in Lusa’s thigh. “Dad, what’s going on?” he asks, clinging to his pant leg. Lusa leans down and scoops him up, perching the kid on his hip as he wraps an arm around Esper’s shoulders.

“That man who was at our house was very, very bad. He hurt Es before,” he tries explaining, watching as Esper stares at him with a pained expression. “Don’t be mad at Esper, Arc, okay? He wanted to keep you safe from that man.”

“Uh-uh… Is the bad man gone now”?

“Yeah, your dad beat him in a fight. He was gonna hurt us all, but I kicked him out!” He looks straight at Esper as he says that, trying to smile reassuringly.

“Is he really gone?” Esper asks, quiet, raspy. All the crying had taken a toll on his voice. “What if he comes back? He knows where you live—”

“Where we live, Es,” Lusa corrects him. He rubs Esper’s upper arm through his shirt. “I won’t let him hurt you again. That’s a promise. A swear.”

Esper nods numbly, leaning into the touch with only slight reluctance. Lusa leads him back to the car and seats Arcin his seat. Esper clambers into the passenger seat in silence. In fact, the whole ride back is silent, not even Arc piping up with the usual banter. The radio is still off from when Lusa turned it down to hear Arc more properly when searching for them.

It’s Asker’s grace that the Sedan is no longer sitting in their driveway when they get home. It’s nowhere to be seen, actually.

Lusa parks and gets up, but when Esper doesn’t move, he circles the car and opens the passenger door for him. “C’mon, Es,” he prompts.

Esper looks up at him, as if snapping out of deep thoughts. He nods, very stiffly, and slowly gets out. His eyes flick back and forth, obviously ready to bolt again. With how he’s acting, Lusa is surprised (though not unpleasantly) he even agreed to that the car ride.

Arc runs inside as soon as Lusa opens the door, rushing down the hall and picking up a plushie from the ground. It’s a dark cat , one that Lusa doesn’t recognize. “Hey, who’s that?” he asks, making sure Esper actually comes inside before he heads to the kitchen with Arc.

“Um, this is Miss Meow,” Arc says, dusting said Miss until she’s clean enough for his standards. “Esper got me her um… earlier.”

“Oh, did he?” Lusa motions for Esper to join them at the dining table. “You should show me all you got at the store!”

Arc wastes no time to launch into a tirade about his new backpack — which he’d been wearing this whole time and would probably need a quick wash, not just dusting — and the super cool blow pens that everyone is gonna be jealous of’. Lusa had thought it’d help take his mind off of what happened, so he didn’t even comment that he said ‘no’ to those same pens a few days prior.

Esper, though… still looks out of it, glancing out of the window every few minutes to check the driveway. Okay, Lusa is being generous, Esper is actually snapping his head around all the time, to the point where Lusa is worried he’ll tear something in his neck or something.

He wants to talk to him about what ha happened, apologize for not knowing — not recognizing the man. He wants to fic today, restart it and prevent it from ever happened. But he doesn’t possess time powers and Esper still looks lost in his own kitchen.

Plus Lusa wants to give him his all when they actually tackle this issue. For now he gives his  all to his son,holding back every single comment about Esper soiling Arc too much r buying him too many things. He’s glad Arc can still be positive, at least.

Wishes Esper would too, but he knows it’s too soon.

—

They order takeout as per Lusa’s suggestion — they being Lusa, if we’re being honest — but when the delivery boy comes, Lusa can see the fatal flaw in his idea.

The doorbell ringing makes Esper almost jump out of his skin. He hides in the kitchen, pressing himself against the wall by the door, hidden from sight. Lusa’s heart aches at the sight and he rushes to answer the door.

The poor guy is so confused when Lusa just hands him thirty bucks and yells to keep the change.

“It’s okay, Es, just the food,” he says, setting the warm containers onto the counter. Esper is still pressed into the wall, dangerously close to tears.

Lusa walks up to him and pauses. “Esper?”

“Yeah?” Esper’s voice wavers and Lusa feels helpless.

“Can I touch you?”

Esper nods, choppy and slow, so Lusa takes a hold of his hand and pulls him to the living room to sit on the couch. He sits close to him, but still far enough so it doesn’t feel claustrophobic.

“Es, I want to talk about what happened before,” he says, and doesn’t hesitate to continue even when Esper curls u. “I want to apologize. If I’d known that’s your father, I— wouldn’t’ve let him in. Hell, I’d punch him sooner.”

“You punched him?” Esper asks, wide eyes staring at Lusa like he’d just grown a second head.

Lusa’s chest fills with pride and he grins at Esper, mimicking punching the air with one hand. “Fuck yeah I did! Twice, and then kicked him some. Prolly broke his nose, too. I would’ve done more, but I wanted to get to you and Arc as soon as I could.”

Esper frowns, hiding a grimace behind a hand. “What did… he do?”

“Oh, he laid there and took it like the scum he is! I told him I’d have no problem getting bloody if he ever showed up again.”

“He’ll… he’ll be back… Even angrier, probably, he’ll… he’ll hurt you and Arc and— and he’ll… drag me back— home—” Esper babbles, tugging at the longer strands of his hair. His eyes stare at nothing and he almost rips the hair out, but Lusa wraps his fingers around his hands, gently pulling them away.

“Hey, I was serious when I told him I’d have no problem getting rid of him I won’t let you get hurt anymore, I swear. You hear? I swear, he’ll never get to you again.”

Esper hiccups a sob and leans onto Lusa (read: falls onto his shoulder like a sack of potatoes), shoulders quaking. Lusa wraps an arm around him, enveloping him in a n embrace, holding him as close as humanly possible, warm and safe.

“He knows where I live,” Esper says, and though it’s muffled in the crook of his neck, Lusa has no trouble making it out. “Where you live.”

“And if he shows up again I have the police on speed dial,” Lusa coos back, stroking a hand through Espers hair, massaging the tender scalp.

“How long do you think he’s known…? He must’ve been stalking us! What if he hurts you or— or Arc!”

“I can take care of myself. And Arc is always around us or someone we know.”

Esper doesn’t have a retort to that one, but he can’t stop crying either. Lusa holds him as he wails, staining his shirt with tears. It's not like Lusa minds; it can just get thrown into the laundry later. Esper is more important than a piece of fabric. 

“I’m sorry,” Esper says, still half-muffled.

“Why’re you apologizing?” Lusa asks, also still playing with Esper’s hair in hopes of calming him.

“He could’ve hurt you,” the lankier man answers quietly. “He only wanted me…”

Lusa shushes him immediately. “But he didn’t. And he won’t get you.” He stops carding through Esper’s hair in favor of brushing the tear streaks etched into his cheeks off. “You feel up for some dinner? You’ll feel better with a full belly.”

“Dad? Es? Is everything okay?” Asks, peeking into the living room, small fingers gripping onto the doorframe, only his head visible behind the corner.

Esper pulls away, wiping at his face. He motions Arc over and helps him sit in his lap, trying his best to make a normal smile.

“Sometimes, when something bad happens,” he says, sniffling, “you can’t do anything. Crying helps you feel better, so I had to cry it out. Hugs also help,  and your dad was here to provide. Everything’s fine now, Arc. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

Arc nuzzles into Esper’s chest, squeezing him with all the power of his small five-year-old frame (which is not much). “I’ll hug you too, until you’re all better. Please don’t run away again.”

Esper chuckles, the sound hollow to his own ears. He chuckles, “Of course I won’t,” but his mind is running hundred miles an hour, as if to make up for the time he’d been out of it.

Maybe it’s a bad idea to stay here. Asker could come back at any time… Lusa doesn’t know what he’s capable of, how many shady connections he has. How he always gets what he wants, no matter what. It’s not fair to put Lusa and Arc in danger needlessly.

Esper grins, setting Arc down. “Now, how about that dinner? I don’t know about you, but I’m starving and the food is just sitting there getting cold.”

There’s already a plan in his mind as he plates the Chinese from its boxes. ‘Sorry, Arc,’ he thinks somberly, ‘but it looks like I’ll have to let you down this once.’

#elsword #addcest #lpde #.elsword #.addcest #.lpde #.ch #.cs

[realdeadlovin]

and the long rambly email, so far.

Hey brian. I don't know if I'm going to send this but I guess part of me just wants to know that I did my best to explain where I'm coming from even if nothing comes from it, I won't look back and be like well maybe if I'd explained myself more... idk.  It feels futile bc in my experience it just feels like if you have decided some piece of information or feedback is threatening or uncomfortable to you, you will just refuse to hear it or acknowledge it til the end of time. which makes it utterly impossible to work through what should be simple conflicts. I talked to MC about your visit today. she said something like, "I know you aren't someone who is freely vulnerable very often, and as someone who also struggles a lot to feel safe with vulnerability I can really understand how hard that was." I dont know brian, I guess thats why I wanna clarify that it wasn't that you weren't "emotionally available" bc like I said I really wasn't asking for or expecting anything from you. i was just expecting you not to actively throw it back in my face and make me feel like I would lose you for showing my feelings in front of you. I mean, I didn't actually know to ask that, because I hadn't really considered it as a possibility. I felt genuinely shocked. I couldn't imagine ever responding that way to you if the situations were reversed; it would feel so awful and cruel. when i was passive aggressive for a second while you were having anxiety I immediately felt so horrible. if anyone else in my life acted that way towards me, well, it's a moot point because no one else who I keep around in my life would dream of it. my therapist spends all this time trying to convince me that the people I love aren't going to abandon me if I let them see how I feel or let myself have my emotions in front of them but I guess she doesn't know you. i spend $100 a week trying to work through that shit so idk, pay me. I know alcohol plays a role in the whole thing but I also feel not into like using alcohol as a catch all excuse anymore in my life, obviously I still drink but its not a good excuse for being shitty to people you care about, or at least for not taking responsibility for it. If you want to explain where you were coming from or your perception of the situation go ahead, I will listen. slash read and consider. maybe my memory is off. I just want to say that like being able to identify why you acted shitty doesn't justify it. youre an adult and should be able to take responsibility for yourself when youre feeling insecure or whatever. you dont get to just lash out at people without consequences because you were feeling bad or anxious. I don't think you hurt me because youre like "hurting parker is just my idea of a good time." and even if I had been mad about something you did, which I wasn't, I don't understand how that really makes it okay either...  If youre not a person I can feel safe like, crying in front of, telling you that I"m not mad at you but some hard feelings about sex were coming up for me and I was just processing it but it wasn't about you.... without you actively making me feel like shit for expressing that and like you would leave me as a result... how can i feel safe trusting you or like I can be myself around you? I mean especially as someone who is supposed to "love" and "care about" me sooo much who I've known forever, not some stranger... like if a tindr date said they were leaving bc I was crying, sure. but I think some tindr dates would be nicer than that. but you? I just don't know how you don't see that.  as a side note I guess it did honestly feel hurtful that you lavish so much love and affection on me from afar and then so instantly feel certain you dont feel that way actually when were in person. i know you shrug it off, and I can't say I'm exactly mad about it cause I guess you can't help it, but it does make me feel like all that love wasn't real and theres something wrong with me or something you dont like when you actually have to be around me. you tease me about saying that 5 days seemed "daunting" to you but it did actually make me sad that we talk on a constant basis and then like the idea of seeing me was so hard. i mean obviously in retrospect you were "right" to be nervous or something but yea I guess I just like I feel some rejection when it comes to you especially seeing you "in person" which feels hard and disconcerting when u go back to being all like in love with me once you're gone, yea idk and just have this whole time struggled with feeling alternately like some rejection and then also like really intense validation. but so it goes. i guess thats just saying that even if this visit hadnt be like Bad Bad bt had just been lackluster it would have felt weird to go back to talking how we had been. but, who knows how this visit would have gone if that night hadn't happened, I know things were weird and off/awkward with us all weekend largely bc I didnt tell you how I was feeling but then also didnt know how to relax around you or be normal and yea that felt like no "spark" but maybe there wouldn't have been anyways, I don't know. I wish I'd said something sooner, also I hope you can understand why I didn't or was afraid to and who knows how the weekend would have gone if I had... maybe not any better, I dunno.   but yea not texting you right now still feels hard and sad. I've wanted so badly to text you throughout the day. I know we have leaned on each other too much in order to not feel lonely but yeah so now I feel really lonely especially with sophie gone, I just felt soooo alone after you left. seeing you cry when I dropped you off made me want to take everything back and say I dont actually feel this way, I love you and of course you wont lose me, maybe I overreacted, etc etc just wanted to walk everything back. but I don't think I'm overreacting and idk I don't think that pretending everything is fine will fix anything... idk brian, i love you and I care about you and I can't imagine you not being in my life, although I guess you weren't really there for a bit. but sometimes people are friends for a long time and then they stop. I don't think I want that and I know you have been there for me in a lot of ways as well. I just dont know.. how do we interact in a way that isn't like codependently leaning on each other but isn't like distant and surface level either? I know you've said it was hard talking to me a ton after the last time we split , I know this sitch is different too but I dunno. I dunno how to find the right balance esp when I really am struggling to trust you in any sort of deep way. you also seemed to have this attitude of like "well I can't take it back now" and thats true but people/relationships do heal from hurt all the time it just takes a certain kinda work I don't feel that I will get from you.. happy to be proven wrong though..  I'm reading an article about "reforms" in the local sheriffs dept, they are getting body worn cameras and straight up saying the cops want them bc they think they will get the off the hook more often than not *~*~*I talked to kyle last night, cried some, anyways he hates you now. jk ish. definitely was like "wow fuck that guy." which wasn't actually what I had intended to convey. It's hard for me to talk to other people in my life here about anything with you because idk, your behavior sometimes is just so unreasonable and unkind on its face people always get so like against you if I actually tell them things you say to me and such, and then I feel like I'm actually in this position of just like trying to defend you and be like "no but he can be really great though and I really love him" and such. I've been in that dynamic before in "relationships" where I don't feel I can tell my friends about what is actually going on because then they will absolutely not support me being with that person and yea it's not great. I know that I know you better than they do and that you're really a very caring and loving person but its hard to reconcile that sometimes with your thoughtlessness at other times. I guess this is what you were talking about earlier in this whole thing.. about how far we've drifted apart, I guess in terms of who we surround ourselves with and such. I told kyle youre someone I've known and loved for long before I started having the current standards I have for people in my life. but, I'm also really deeply grateful you're in my life, and I'm glad to have had you come into my life when you did and to have stayed in it all this time.I felt so much better and less alone after talking to kyle and that helped clarify how much I was freaking out because of missing you versus how much i was freaking out about being alone. it was nice feeling like I could cry around someone about something that was hurting me and have it actually create intimacy rather than drive them away, as it should, so that was validating and healing in a way, like yea im not crazy. I don't want you to not be in my life. I want to continue having a close friendship with you that isn't like awkwardly not addressing unsaid things or like surface level and yeah like i want that trust back blah. and maybe I fucked that up by restarting things romantically when maybe we were on our way towards that again.  arms sore like from adrenaline day 3 lol I'm getting pretty sad not talking to you or knowing how youre feeling. it's become less urgent because I don't feel lonely/alone anymore per se. getting a lot of comfort from kyle thats maybe weird/ co dependent in its own way, hes been staying in sophies room, making em coffee and breakfast in the mornings / walking me to work etc. yesterday had agood therapy session, then played cards with some rfiends, then met kyle at owls club and hung out with him and some nurses, then kyle stayed over and we talked until we were both falling asleep on the couches, tonight im maybe having dinner (sex? who knows? I think I dont want ot, I barely want to hang out with him at all it feels like a chore) tonight. still nothing physical with kyle, I wonder if cuddling may imminent, but idk.well so what im saying is when yo ufirst left I had this panicky feeling that I couldn't tell if was about fear of being alone or about missing you and the lsat few days I have felt better and less alone, and I sitll miss you, in a not urgent way but in a, I want to hear how you're doing and I want you in my life, way. I dont know brian. I feel I'm sort of processed what happened and I am mad indeed but as long as we know we can like never be involved romantically lol i can forgive that you have a lot of unhealed shit and act poorly a lot of the time in relationsihp idk. blabla. and not being involved romantically,well, it doesn't seem healthy to be so dependant on talking constantly so I don't think we can go back to that. but regularly, I would like.I dont want to not talk to you.

[kakashi-hatake-lover]

It's funny how life plays out sometime. Every life motivated by the push and pull of events around them. Kakashi's life has always been a journey he had very little choice or control in. Ordered how to behave, how to fight, where to go. Even when he tried to carve out his own path the current of life pulled him back to a path filled with guilt and loss.

But life, like water continued on through the storms of enraged oceans and soft trickles of forgotten streams. Life, it was tiring sometimes but kakashi took each step forward, whatever life threw he had survived, grown, broken many times, but survived.

His goal in life ever changing now focused on trying to improve the well being of his shinobi. Give new generation a future of freedom and choice, and offer support to those that suffer.

Being Hokage however had changed his life as much as he privately disliked it. The weight of village was heavy indeed. Although, Shikamaru does allow him the few moments to slip away.

Paperwork is his life now. Kakashi finally understood why the review team would scold him for late submissions. God, he was getting old.

Today's mundane trauma was the report system had crashed. And, so kakashi was sat his computer diary was stuck in the cycle as it loaded and crashed because there were no documents coming through. No, thats a lie. One report in the last 3 hours was successfully logged. He had been assured that calls had been made to IT, but kakashi was never one to just sit and idly wait.

He spun in his chair, allowed it to return him to facing the desk. The computer still loading. With new found motivation he finally picked up him phone and shuffled his was closer into his desk. He didn't have to call, him calling wouldn't suddenly resolve the issue and every report would ping onto his computer, hell if he so wished he could call the director personally.  he knew that. But~ but he wanted to call. And Kakashi cherishes each small freedom he gets, with that in mind he finally dialled and silently hoped to hear the voice he wanted to hear on the other line.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise that he would be filed into a virtually queue with the distorted jingle far too loud for any comfort only to be interuppted by a robotic female telling him his number in the queue. 7 to be precise.

"Good afternoon IT support, Olivia speaking."

The soft trill of Olivia's voice pulled kakashi from his book. Phone minutes ago abandoned to enjoy the wait music alone was now back in Kakashi's hand, pressed firmly against his ear. Even though he was alone he tried to restrain the smile that blossomed from his heart. He found himself suddenly standing, talking was always better when upright and alert.

"Olivia, Hi. It's uh~" he hesitated.

"Mr Hatake!" The young woman sounded as joyous as always. One couldn't help but feel the warmth she effortlessly radiated. Kakashi knew she would be smiling. He could hear it in her voice, she always greeted that you were an old friend, and she held you dear to her heart. Perhaps even a little nieve to the trials the world relentlessly threw. Kakashi admired that~

"Mr Hatake? Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Hm, yes sorry. My mind was a bit distracted...how are you?"

"I'm doing adequately~" Olivia chuckled. "To has been bit of a stressful one. Had a small cry over my lunch. But its all settling now, just got a backlog of reports that need pushing through."

Kakashi perched on his desk and propped his phone between his shoulder and ear which allowed him to fold his arms over his chest. "What happened?"

On the other end he heard Olivia let out a heavy sigh. "No idea, but the servers have been restarted. So all I know is the issue is resolved now. There should be a correspondence coming out to the shinobi and an issue report made for the Hokage. I imagine he's fuming! How are you?'

"Well about that. You said the issue is resolved, but my computer is still not pulling through any reports." Kakashi turned to peer at his screen the rather patronising sad face was still very much visible. On the other end the muted sound of typing began.

"Oh, let's see. Which archive are you trying to access?" It was amusing to hear the switch from cheerful to professional.

"Well at the moment its A rank archive. I refresh the page it says its fetching data and then that sad face appears."

The typing grew faster and louder all the while Olivia mimicked kakashi's words under her breath. "Okay, unfortunately I don't have access to the A rank archive to check~ and my manger is not at his desk...hm. oh! Im just going to put you on mute, I know where I can check. Is it okay if I put you on mute? Or would you prefer the hold music."

"Anything but the hold music."

"Okay hold tight I'll be back before you know it!" With a genuine giggle the line went silent. And so kakashi waited. He wondered what kind of person this Olivia really was, to talk so casually and sound as if she gave a damn. She sounded young, well younger than himself. Was this her first job perhaps? Still fresh and fully of hope. What did she look like, her hobbies and interests?

"So!" The line blew back into life. However the heavy breathing and pained wheezing told a whole story. Kakashi felt a stab of concern.

"That was the first time I've ran in months. But I asked one of the jounin live testers just to check for me and the A archive is all fine now so you shouldn't be having any issues. So, my next question to you Mr Hatake auditor in the hokage building, have you checked your Internet connection?"

Of course he has checked his Internet connection. But, then  had he? Slowly kakashi turned to face his monitor. Surely it can't be his connection? Can it? He let his eyes drift to the bottom right corner, and there. As plain as day the Internet disconnected symbol.

"Oh, well would you look at that." He flushed, he could feel his stupidity arise with the embarrassment. But with all his training his voice remained impassive. That's all that mattered. She couldn't see him facepalm and slump back in his chair.

Laughed erupted between the pair, kakashi finally took his place in his seat once again and made quick work or reconnecting his Internet. He'll never get used to this new system hes sure of it~"

"If it makes you feel any better, I spent the best part of 2 weeks not having access to one of the support channels we use. It was because I was using the wrong email...are you back online."

Kakashi smiled, refreshed his webpage and within seconds the diary sprang to life. A days worth of work flooded every crevasse. "We are back up and running." He opened the first report and scanned the details, oh the joys of paperwork!

"I'm glad we got that fixed. This will be the last time we speak probably, Mr Hatake."

The blunt statement pulled Kakashi away from his work. That was very unexpected. "Why, where are you off to?"

"The company are making some changes. So I'll be moving to support the Hokage. I dont know if he has been made aware yet. But management found out he was calling this support line alot, which isn't right. Although I have no idea who he is has been speaking to. So they are setting up a private support within the Hokage office. I was offered the position! Ill be testing software too within the actual office environment too. Its all very exciting. Maybe if the Hokage isn't strick ill be able to help others in  the main building! But that is completely out of my hands."

"I have no doubt our paths will cross." Kakashi couldn't help the amusement that filled his heart. She still had not cottoned on. Perhaps it was time to tell Olivia before it was too late? But where would the fun in that be. "When do you transfer?"

"Hmm technically in a few weeks. But I go on annual leave from today, and I have been advised that once the Hokage is informed I may start sooner rather than later. Oh~"

Shuffling over the line pulled through the line. Olivia's voice became muffled, it seemed she was speaking to someone.

"I do apologise Mr Hatake, I need to let you go now." Her voice hushed, into a strained whisper. " my manager just told me off. But! I hope you have a lovely day and maybe I will see you soon? Bye!"

"Yes, I hope so too~" the line had already disconnected.

#oc fic #kakashi x oc #personal naruto au #life in Konoha

[summerisityou]

I write. Ive been writing for quite a long time. Nothing is normal in my life. My mind is a terrible place. My memory is a mess. Sometimes I myself am don’t know, how do I get here. Sometimes I write, to make myself more understandable. Sometimes I don’t want to be misunderstood. Sometimes I want to tell my story. Sometimes I want to make people know how I feel. But nothing ever come close.

As for now, I feel so scared. Just like any other day, I feel dead every night. And in the morning, somehow whenever I wake up, I just feel like. Oh yes. Im alive. Im still breathing. Yes. Breathe. At this very moment I cant breath. I, I just cant. Its so hard. I feel like im losing it. I feel terrible inside. I want to distance myself from everyone ive ever known. From all the people I love, mostly.

I feel so scared. I don’t even know how to calm myself down. I already took my medicine hours ago. But it didn’t take any effect up until now. It feels so bad. My head is spinning. My whole world. Seems so dark. It feels as if I was the only one who didn’t have a storyline, in my own life. All the grammar is off, I live here, in present, yet sometimes—nah. No sometimes, its every second of my day—my past coming back and forth like a jump-scare. Yes. That kind horror story jump-scare. Never been I have scared of those horrible story, even for once. I swear to God, my whole life couldn’t be any scarier than already it is.

I live, but im not living. Ive been letting people hold the marker for the drawing of my life for a really long time. Its kinda sucks. But I can live with it. I don’t know. Why the hell do I type this either. I am just trying to explain me, to myself. I feel so sorry for those who close to me.

 This writing is a mess. A terrible mess. But better than my diary, which was filled up with tears. And blood, sometimes. After ive been start taking medicine again, im no longer zone out that I forgot what the hell I did, when blood was already all over my body. Few minutes ago I was staring in the mirror. I was smiling. People told me im pretty. But then I changed my sweater, then I took my skinny jeans off. I saw my body. Head to toe. Its pathetic its so full of scars.

I thanked God then. I spent years and years for karate, then I have a cat. If I wasn’t, how could I explain those scars then. No one has been asking yet, but its just. I don’t know. I thanked God also, my skin’s repair cell is good. These scars would disappear in weeks.

Right now. Im writing, sit in my chair, then look down, to my legs. Its all bruises. My hands too. Sorry, I mean fingers. I remember I punched the wall yesterday night. It was a rough night. I now remember, I know now why would I hurt myself. I feel like I deserve it. I feel better whenever im hurting myself.

I suddenly remember what my Grandmom used to say, “Keep your head up gorgeous, people would kill to see you fall”. Im sorry Oma, I fell. I couldn’t stand up again. I gave all the people who hated me all the satisfaction they longed. I fell. Down. So hard.

I wish the people I saw in the mirror was just a dream. I wish my shirt wasn’t soaked up with tears. I wish these “salty-waters” could stop rolling down on my face.

And at this very moment. I keep telling myself. It isn’t real. It isn’t you. You’ll be fine.

But no.

Its me.

And I am not fine. I am not okay.

I cant even lie that im okay. I know im not. I don’t have the strength again to lie and smile. No one give a damn anyway.

I really do want to distance myself from people. I just feel so scared. What if I lost them. What if, they lost me.

God, I am so full of fear. When I was a kid people used to told me life is full of choices, yet no one ever mentions fear. This fear. It creeps inside my heart, crawls beneath my veins. I don’t even know how to call this. Ive been reading books for years, yet I haven’t found anything close, to this feeling.

I feel dead. I feel dead inside. For a really long time. I feel dead. I just feel so sad. All these years, all I ever wanted, is just something permanent, something that cant be taken away. Is that too much too ask?

I don’t want to be the one that being left behind, again. I just. I don’t know. Do I deserve to have any hope? Ive got nothing left inside me. Its just an empty shell. Its like. I don’t know. I barely known myself throughout this year. Who am I? Why am I here? Since when did I became like this? I am not this person. I don’t want to be this person.

I cant put up a fight any longer. Its just so hard. I have my family, my friends, they keep telling me I can. Telling me everything is going to be okay. But its not. Why the hell they lie to me, telling me I’ll be fine when even myself know I wont. I don’t know why do I feel like this. I just feel like as if I don’t deserve to be saved. I don’t deserve to be okay. I don’t deserve to be loved. My skies already turned so dark. And no. Not even a star could light it up. Not even a bit.

Its not about medicine. Its not about those chemical reaction my doctor told me that I lack both of serotonin and dopamine. Its not just about it. I feel so depressed and I have no idea how to overcome it. I just want it to disappear. I want to survive. But I have nothing to fight for. I don’t know. I really want to disappear for years, restarting my life again, with a clean slate. I want to go anyplace—anywhere—where no one knows my name. Where I cant possibly meet somebody I know. I don’t want to settle. I just. I want to be free.

Maybe it is. Actually its kinda fun. Writing like this. I feel like something in my head is gonna blow up and, the only thing I know is I already write everything here, even if its mess. At least I can try to decipher what the hell is wrong the other day.

Maybe it is. I never set myself free. I feel like I live inside a cage, of fear. This fear. I have no idea how to describe it but this fear always stop me whenever I want to do anything. What is it, which make me so afraid. What is it on me. What is it inside my head that make me like this.

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

I finished!!! game time was like something like 138 hours but I spent a good dozen or so hours pausing the game to check my phone or wandering off to make dinner. 

I this said last night in a sleepy 4am haze, but I really enjoyed the ending. It was fun to play. The only time I died was when I accidentally fell into a chasm bc I didn’t realize a goddamn fiend was gonna come barreling out of the hall and ruin my “melee everything” scheme and I scooted myself right off a dang platform and respawned directly in its mouth. Whoops. When the Archon called up the Architect I was very Oh god not another one but then I didn’t have to actually try to kill it ever just avoid it, so that was fine. I LOVED how everyone came out to help at the end. It always seems unbelievable to me that your pals are content to hang back for the boss fight (ME2 I thought did well with having everyone else away on different tasks, and the ME3 citadel mission where everyone goes together is one of my favorite parts of the trilogy). And getting to run around with Kandros (who i love but duty calls and we can never be together) and Reyes (im still Very Sad i had to break up with him) and the Salarians!! and then your team coming in at the end :333 ah. It was a very feel-good, exciting culmination, and I think it fit the tone of the rest of the story well. Part of me was half-expecting disaster like you have to sacrifice Scott or a bunch of citizens or something, and while I eat that sort of tragedy up, I’m glad there wasn’t any for this game. 

Incidentally, all of my screenshots of Scott somehow turned out like this, and so I’ve decided this is a chronic problem his whole life and he has 0 good photos ever even when the rest of the fam comes out lookin great:

ah, Scott. someday i’ll play as him with this Ryder as his sister and it’s gonna have to be a wild ride.

Romance: I romanced Vetra!! I love her a lot as a character but I just kept wishing for more content. And I know I always crave more romancey content but I did feel like her romance arc had a lot less than what I knew people were getting from Jaal’s, especially because it takes you over halfway into the game before you get anything from it. Four flirt opportunities where she doesn’t really flirt back, my Ryder was dying and convinced her crush would never be reciprocated (hence the brief fling with Reyes). But I did LOVE the scenes you do finally get with her, the climbing date was soooo sweet, and I could not stop laughing when she tries to make you dinner. I’m never telling my beautiful girlfriend she doesn’t know how to cook steak. NEVER. she did it perfectly, i love cow. But I just wish there was a scene where YOU could do something for HER. Lexi even tells you that you should show her she’s appreciated and doesn’t have to take care of everyone all the time to be worthy of being liked but then you... never get a chance in game to really do that. Sigh. I definitely have a lot of inner-headcanoning going on for thier relationship. Though Vetra wants to eventually settle down and have a home and i’m... not so sure that’s in the cards for this Ryder. I may tweak the characterization of my Vetra-romance-ryder in some ways and redo this Ryder with Reyes for real next time. I think next up is gonna be a Jaal playthough though.

But, OVERWHELMINGLY, the relationship I was absolutely most fascinated by the whole game and spent way more time thinking about than romance, was the relationship between Ryder and SAM. I went into endgame thinking that the game really hadn’t gotten into that aspect nearly as much as I wanted, AND THEN!!! SAM GETS DISCONNECTED! And it’s revealed they took over WAY more control of the Pathfinder’s physiology than anyone had even guessed!! it’s not just “SAM can take access of enough systems to stop and then restart your heart” it was “SAM is so intertwined with you that they are integrated into these systems already and their absence makes it almost impossible for the Pathfinder to cope without.” I LOVED IT. I was so ready to address that, like, did Ryder know? Did SAM do it by choice or was it just an effect of Alec’s modifications? 

And then... nothing. You’re linked back up with SAM. No one questions it. You don’t get to talk to Scott about how SAM is different for you than him now. Or at least, not that I’ve found??? to be fair I can’t seem to find Scott post-endgame yet (where is he hiding???? i’ve been all over Meridian after leaving/going back), and I still need to go check out the colonies and see what people there have to say. But it really seems like everyone sort of was like “whew, glad that’s sorted out, SAM’s back and htis could never possibly be an issue again so we will all forget about it and never bring it up again.” There was one colonist before (Fawkes) who was one of the only non-main characters to ask a really detailed question about SAM/what the future of AI is gonna look like in Heleus and I was so psyched for that convo. There’s a couple dialogue responses you can take, I went with:

becuase I really like the idea that Ryder starts to think of themselves as not just Ryder, but a Ryder-And-SAM partnership. There’s a lot of sacrifice in that. You’re admitting that your body is not just You anymore, but a team where both sides are valued.

I’ve spent a lot of the game thinking about Ryder’s internal dialogues with SAM, and the dynamic it would add to their relationship. You don’t have a voice that lives inside your head (and gives you its 100% undivided attention while you’re in the field) and not end up talking to it all the time. SAM asks you questions back on the Tempest when you talk to them and I bet they would when out and about as well, just privately. There’s a line in one of the Vaults where Ryder starts talking to herself and then catches it--

--because she gets more and more accustomed to not being the only one in her head. SAM is always there. More than that, they always have your back, and are ready to feed you whatever you need to get the mission done. They’re not just a voice, they’re a tool; and they’re not just a tool, they’re a support system. Maybe Ryder knows just how intertwined SAM is becoming with theer body, and isn’t just aware, but welcomes it. The Ryders are a fucked up family who aren’t good at talking to each other, but SAM means you never have to be alone again. Someone is always there for you, protecting and watching out for you. 

So in the final mission, when SAM is ripped away from Ryder--it’s not just a physical effect. It’s like losing a part of your soul and a best friend and a, in some ways, a parent--because SAM learned through Alec Ryder before anyone else--and in other ways, a child--because Ryder is responsible for teaching SAM what it means to be a person and how to navigate the world. And I wish you could convey that emotional distress (even if less complex) in the game, and that Ryder was as worried for SAM’s well being as they are for Scott’s when they race to stop the Archon. Becuase in a lot of ways, I think my Ryder would have grown closer to same than she ever did with her brother.

Anyway, I wish the game hadaddressed these things more, but I also accept that like--this is a trope that I just am REALLY into and have been for ages. It’s not gonna be what everyone wants as the main focus, and it just wasn’t the big story they were trying to tell. At the beginning of the game the descriptions of SAM hyped me up so hard because they reminded me very strongly of my favorite short story, Silently And Very Fast by Catherynne Valente (which, if you haven’t read it, it’s really amazing and you can read the first part here (the other 3 parts are linked at the bottom of each chapter), or I can send a pdf of it if you want, it’s really good people read it please and then tell me about your Emotions). The story veered off not long into the plot of the game (I, along with many others, suspected for a while that SAM would turn out to be like the mother’s consciousness integrated into the AI or something) but I stayed pretty invested in it as a major part of my Ryder’s experience in Heleus. 

And like, I guess this would be something I’ll probably end up doing fic about now since the game didn’t give me as much as I wanted (and I only meant to write a short paragraph about it here and now i have like 9 whoops), so I’ll probably keep thinking about it with the rest of my Ryders. There’s so much potential there. Jade Ryder really grew attached to SAM, but there’s also potential for resentment there--SAM is always watching, Ryder essentially gives up any aspect of privacy in their life, even if SAM is polite enough not to comment on it.

wow this got away from me. anyway. that’s the game!!!!! i’m running around making sure i’ve talked to everyone still. I need to go check up on the colonies and stuff, but I did pretty much everything else before the last mission, so there’s not much to play. Just some assignments that don’t have navpoints. and then start thinking about my next Ryder!!! I played Jade Ryder as pretty logical and professional, with a tendency to open up more with people as she grew to know them better, though she struggled to be open/heartfelt when talking to Angara when her natural conversation style with them flopped hard at first. I think my next Ryder who I still need to name is gonna be way more casual/joke-y (tho i think Ryder is HILARIOUS no matter what, it’s so fun to have such a lighthearted protag) and probably more reckless and prone to following their whims. Gonna have to re-battle the CC though which I’m not so much looking forward to. 

oh also re: the second picture: i FUCKING LOVE that you beat the architect on Elaaden so hard it shoots itself into orbit and slowly decays and you can just sit there and watch it slowly fizzle in the cold vacuum of space

#jade ryder #mass effect: andromeda #SAM #mass effect: andromeda spoilers #this got long SORRY #im just having Many Thoughts #ramblings #long post

[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)

#word vomit

[morningpages-louise]

August 09, 2019

My head is throbbing. I think its from getting too much sleep. First time I’ve slept in in a while. These affordances to sleep in are few, but I appreciate every single chance I get. I think there are going to be a lot more now since I’m on summer break :D I shall enjoy all this leisure time, and use it wisely. It’s been raining this whole week and it feels very cozy. Im super cozy rn. Im just sitting in my couch, coffee and phone on one side, listening to the sound of rain falling down the surface of the building. Gloomy cities really make good combos. I can’t quite explain it but the gloom resembles my mood, and it paints the city in such a dramatic light. Lonely cities. It fits it well, because cities while vibrant and full of life can also be so lonely. Filled with lonely souls. And so the rain is a fitting component. I love living in the city. My affinity for cities, and the culture that exists, and the life that exists and just how individuality is encouraged and praised, that’s what I love about cities. Where people are free to express themselves, everyone’s open minded. I thrive in these environments. I love living in Manila. I’ve written about this city quite a few times. And you know considering I’ve got a year, or maybe even less, I want to create something that will capture how I feel about this beautiful city filled with such a mash of different souls. Perhaps a zine? Or a photo series? A personal project. It’s definitely something I’m going to think about. Ive been meaning to get back in photography just because its such a lovely medium, and I love looking back at memories. The sentimentalist in me can’t resist. I’d really love to get better at it. And I think its time I fulfill one of the goals I listed at the start of the year which was to engage in photography assignments. Just for myself. I think I will do just that. I always think to myself, I’ll start when I get a new camera, a less bulkier contraption, but honestly I think the best time to start is now. Because by the time I get a new camera, ill probably think the same thing. Oh, ill just wait till i get this certain lens or something like that. You’ll never be ready. You just have to throw yourself out there. That’s something I’ve been learning a lot through the daily stoic. In fact, I really resonate with the readings. The universe has a weird way of letting everything fall into place. Just how fitting it is in my life. Man, I love this. My thoughts feel so substantial. Usually when I engage in Morning Pages, there are times when you can tell I’m just really trying to fill the 750 word part. Like I’m not even thinking. And that’s just when my brain is riddled with anxiety. When I have a long day to go and I can’t be bothered by writing down 750 words. But this right here, is nice. Ofcourse I have things on my plate, quite a lot actually since I’ve pretty much been neglecting all my tasks since I started on that MSMEDIA essay. Today is the first day I can see clarity again. August, I’ve been rushing you because its been hectic, and I’m sorry for that. But now its time to hit the restart button and start a new again. I think these things are necessary. In fact, I accept that every once in a while we’ll need imaginary restarts. They can do wonders on our productivity and focus, and how we work. So here’s to restarting. Refocusing. Recalibrating. Time to drop everything and just focus on yourself is so necessary, and I do believe it makes you grind a lot harder. Yeah. Here’s to finishing 2019 hard. Here’s to getting out of my comfort zone.

Also on a side note, I really have been seriously thinking about learning poetry. I’m intrigued by the form, how people can put together words like that. It’s basically painting images with your words, and I want to be able to do that. I’m definitely opening to taking up a poetry workshop sometime in the future or engaging in any online courses. Cause like poetry has never really been something I’ve appreciated. Like I always tended to avoid it because I never particularly liked the form. I never knew how to appreciate it. And so I want to try delving into it. I just want to see if its for me. And maybe, just maybe it’ll help me articulate my feelings in a better way. Who knows? I don’t know. I think I’ve pretty much mastered the art of nonfiction writing. I want to try poetry now. And maybe after, creative writing. I just love words. Im mesmerized by them. How they can paint beautiful photos and articulate feelings so spot on. I have such an affinity for words and prose that you can connect to.

Ugh im feeling all churny inside. I’m so happy I have outlets to express myself. Through my words and photos. Life is so beautiful, and I just want to try and capture it you know. So yeah those are my thoughts lang. Alsoooo I’m trying to give up vaping. Like I literally gave my vape to Kristine yesterday and I told her to hide it lol. It’s just so bad, and its become a bad habit. Like I feel horrible whenever I smoke it, and yet I keep doing it and I think its mainly because of the fact that it’s there, so I just gravitate nd pull towards it But yesterday, Erica sent a photo and I was just like nope. It’s funny because I didn’t even think. Like I just threw it away lol. Fuck that, life is more precious than that nicotine rush. Life is too precious. Here’s to living. It’s amazing how life is so amazing on good days. I wish I could come back to this feeling whenever I have bad days, and don’t feel motivated or feel the need to continue going you know. I wish I could always come back to this feeling.

[inthe-46-blog]

its been a crazy week , not super crazy but crazy . got so many feelings and thoughts i haven't been able to grasp . i finally started my new job , the work load is a full body work out and the hours are ridiculous but just after a few days i can tell my body is happy to be off its ass and in commission . i stretch about 4 times a day , drink water all day , few cups every half hour , check my emails my calendar my todo list . most importantly i stay focused through out my day . . . i used to work and come home itching to smoke some weed and pretty much when that's over its bust a nut o clock then time for sleep . i literally was living a mind numbing lifestyle , was my doing much but still managed to drain myself , just overall I was coming up short in many ways . and it affected many parts of my life . i realized I've been living a very sad very shameful very useless lifestyle for the past year and a half . as a result I was always angry and upset , short fused and unapproachable . many things and many people I came into contact with , i don't talk to now and i don't posses now . im not complaining , for a long time now I've come to know and even love my anger , but that didn't make it any better for me nor those around me . and I'm happy to look back at how i used to move and feel and understand it all . There's times of sadness tho , like when i first wake up some days I wish I didn't have to do better than yesterday , make things right for me and others , even hated just the fact things were changing . but i get up anyways , remember the goal remember what brought me to this point and i get on with it . other times it could be in the middle of me working , that's when it hits the hardest , I believe its because it's also the most surprising to get caught up in my thoughts and feelings at work , you just don't see it coming . when the day is over , and I'm sweating from the labor I put myself through , it also gets sad ; cause I'm going back home to where I had left a lot of my thoughts feelings and problems , as well as my feelings that make me think I have problems . but somehow , someway , i remember the big picture and why I'm at where I'm at . continuing to bite down and move on . though a lot of things are not the same anymore yet im happy to start over . not just change one thing in spite of an experience i had but ; from head to toe . from wants and needs to priorities and values , as well as habits . wish this happens to me at 20 instead of 23 . but like i said I'm not complaining . im not much now , and things are very small scaled rn , but im hungry for this renewed feeling and i know I'm going to feel 10x more empowered by my own recognition . I wish I had more detail to express on this , but my body is vibrating positively w restart . most importantly . forgiving myself and understand myself . i did a lot of bad things , had many bad habits and ways . coated my quite a lot , even costed me a little bit of myself . i know better tho and try to practice keeping those old ways old . i had a lot anger toward myself , even put myself down . " Richie you're a bumb , you don't do nothing good for yourself and others , and this is the final stain you will leave on this earth " but i talked to myself and just had realize that I know better and absolutely want better , that's all that mattered and it helped me forgive myself , and ill continue to be happy with me and my world as long as i keep myself on the right track for now , I'm lost in my thoughts again ill have to revisit some time later this week to share more . Stay happy .

[automatismoateo]

My Christian father mentally abuses my mother to the point of suicidal thoughts via /r/atheism

Submitted December 09, 2018 at 07:22AM by LTetromino (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2RLFVx5) My Christian father mentally abuses my mother to the point of suicidal thoughts

I’m an American high schooler who is soon about to go to college. My dad and I had never had the best of relationships, Unfortunately, the biggest reason is a hard one to repair. The vast majority of our problems is from his undying devotion to Christianity.

My fathers devotion to Christianity is an extremely strong one. He was not raised Christian. He grew up in Mao-era China, and was extremely poor for his childhood. He is the only one of 9 siblings to go to college and come to America. What makes this bond to Christianity inhumanly strong is the circumstances surrounding his conversion.

At the time, my father was still in medical school in America. He thought life would be better there, and had to restart much of his medical training. Among younger students and with broken English, my father felt bullied and discriminated against, and fell into a depression. When a friend of his suggested he go to church, he did, and “found peace in his life from God.” It was a redemption arc of legendary proportions, which only sealed his devotion.

He took me to church on Sundays and Fridays ever since I was a baby, up until late middle school. I was “Christian”, but never really devoted myself to the religion. I specifically remember the first time I was told the story of Moses and Ramses II. I learned God was always good, kind, and perfect, over and over and over again. When he punished the Pharaoh for making a decision that he had forced he Pharaoh to make, that set off a ticking time bomb in my mind. Since that day, I had become more and more skeptical about God and Christianity. I learned about evolution, nature, and science in general, furthering my skepticism.

When I was 13, I finally sincerely asked myself for the first time, “does God really even exist?” For the first time I started asking myself that without a pre-existing answer in my mind, and I decided that God, or at the very least the Christian God, is absolutely fake. At first, I would make excuses to not go to church. Then later I refused to go altogether. My father and I started to get into furious arguments.

We would argue and insult each other, and it would always end with me leaving the house or locking myself in my room. These arguments were over many things, but mainly over him attempting to force me to go to church and punishing me is I didn’t.

I’m not going to pretend I’m some kind of psychologist, but I have a theory that ever since discovering and following Christianity, my father has developed a “holier than thou” sort of delusion. He would call me “unreachable,” and “close minded.” He would say I would understand only when I was older. It’s as if my father thinks he always has a higher power supporting him, and that he must always be right. Any criticisms of his ways is a direct attack on his God. He must be all powerful in the family.

What spawns from that is him desperately grasping at ways to control me. He would make up ridiculously nonsensical and unnecessary rules for the family. He infuriatingly called them “family rules,” as if anyone else in the family gave a fuck about them. They included: have a “family meeting” once a month (he would mostly go on about religious matters). No playing video games on weekdays, no matter what. No locking my door, ever. Stay in my room if I don’t participate in church get-togethers that he hosts. I follow most of these rules if he’s home to prevent further argument, since most of them barely affect me.

My dad recently insisted that I go to bed before 11PM on weekends. This may sound completely okay to some of you, but to me? To enforce something as trivial as a bedtime on someone who is almost an adult was insulting to me beyond belief.

I argued that there was no reason at all that there should be an enforced 11PM bedtime for someone who is almost a grown man. I got into a viscous argument with him last Friday, and it ended with him shouting how I wasn’t his son and how he wished he never had me. I sat down in the dining room doing nothing until 1AM to spite him. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea but I refused to let him have the satisfaction of me giving in to his demand. Little did I know, the consequences for all of my actions were far greater than I had known.

Today, I was playing a video game online with a few of my friends. My mother then starts pestering me to go to bed at 11. That was unusual, since she is usually completely fine or only slightly reluctant to let me stay up late.

Where my mom fits in is that she’s usually a bystander, and will sometimes support either my father or me, depending on the subject. She’s not religious, and I feel like that secretly angers my father beyond belief. My mother has no job, but supported the family working a job she hated for years (during me in elementary school) while my father finished his medical training.

Our family was relatively poor for a very long time. My mother worked a job barely making over minimum wage supporting a family of four while my father studied. I remember that she would try her damn hardest to save as much money as she could, such as buying used clothes. A lot of my clothes in elementary school were hand-me-downs from my friend in the grade above who lived next door. I learned from my mother to spend money very sparingly, and what I do now reflects that. I never buy anything online that I don’t need without it going on sale. I cheaped out on my computer parts, using only $900 instead of the $2000 budget I had to build it. I never spend more than $4 for lunch at school. I never buy clothes that cost more than $20.

My mother and I had a very calm debate (a welcome alternative over the livid shouting matches) over the bedtime rule. I asked her why she cared at all, and kept pushing the question until she started to just let all of her feelings pour out. She told me that my father had been arguing with her and insulting her for her not enforcing his rules on me. He would insult her for having no job even though she had been looking for two years, and he called her “useless” and “a waste of space.” She admitted that she refused to sleep anywhere but the living room couch so she didn’t have to share a room with my father. He said that since he made the money, she was obligated to do what he wanted. Every time I made him angry, he would secretly take it out on my mom. My mom told me she wanted to die.

Furthermore, my mother told me that my father recently announced to her that he planned to give $100,000 to the church. This was absolutely devastating to me. The two of us were the most careful with money in the family. My mother said she would use cold water to wash dishes. She wouldn’t turn on air conditioning at night for herself. All of her clothes she bought herself were extremely cheap, usually less than $5.

And for what?

For my father to give it all to the church. To strangers from a religion that nobody in the family cared for except for him. Money that could be spent on our college, put in retirement, or to buy a home. All that money I mention I tried to save earlier? To the church. All the pains my mother suffers to save the family money? To the church. Every dollar for the last and next few years we managed to penny-pinch? To the fucking church. We unknowingly lowered our quality of life for years for the church. By giving them the money, he gives them our sacrifices for each other.

I am absolutely disgusted by my father. Im disgusted by his hypocritical actions. I’m disgusted by his decision to give a massive amount our money to a bunch of suits for a religious organization. By his pettiness. By his refusal to change. But mostly, I’m disgusted by his actions against my mom, who has given me unconditional love and support no matter what, for my entire life. Who has worked a shitty lab job for years to support us, and has probably single handedly saved enough money to buy everything we own again. Who has taken all of his shit without ever taking it out on me.

She’s says she’s planning a divorce after my sister and I go to college.

I hate this, I don’t want things to be this way anymore. I hate what religion has done to my family. I’m scared.

#reddit

[thisisjustacover]

okay since i know i’m not going to be actually doing my work and kind of feeling anxious now because of all these feelings and emotions that i have to dump that i’ve been holding on to since like maybe the summer? lol so it’s goign to be a long fucking post and i hope no one reads it and if you do thanks for reading through all my bs that i’ve gone through

so this summer i got into a car accident like literally a week into my summer break on my way to work at school and tbh i wasn’t tired or anything but i guess i was just being a bit too careless maybe way too careless and too excited about the music that i was listening to that i got distracted and hit the car in front of me just as it was hitting traffic and it’s bullshit but life happens and that car hit the car in fron tof them and i was alone and thankfully no one was hurt or anything and at that time i made so many mistakes like literally the minute i hit the car basically i kept making mistakes well first of all i hit the car two cars in fact that was like a collision second i didn’t get their contact info like their phone number and shit so i had to wait until the police report came out which i didn’t call the police btw it was the car in the middle that did and then it cost me money to get the police report plus the transportation fee for lyft was not cheap and then never ever tell the other people your weakness in which they can take advantage of you and the communications between these three people were very very difficult it was so fucking stressful i remember every time my phone rang i just wanted to cry and i could listerally feel my body tense up just looking at my screen so afraid to open it but i can’t not open it because thats irresponsible of me anyway it was a big big big lesson i learned and something that i wish it was better managed but life happens and it’s not always going to be smooth-sailing and im just glad that i learned my lesson 

im already getting tense again just writing about this x.x

i do have to say it definitely helped that i was able to distract myself with work at the optometry (shoutout to allison) for the hookup because it gave me the experience and i know now that i do not want to do optometry no longer which i’ve been thinking about since the previous summer and the lesson i learned from this is that never ever go into something without knowing what its going to be about what i mean by this is that never make a big decision until you hae some experience and know that you like or hate it or don’t like it 

after working and saving money and spending money i made it to taiwan and literally within the first two weeks i already spent half of my money that i thought would less me for three months which it really should i actually have no freaking idea where all my money went and that’s on my part not keeping track of my money in the first place but then i was so 亂七八糟 when i arrived in taiwan and now that i know i’ve been keeping track of my expense and it literally does not make sense that all of the money i exchanged was gone within the first two weeks according to the expense that i keep track of now it’s been like three weeks and i havent even used up all of that money i lost in the first two weeks so i literally dont know what happened but it’s okay life goes on and now i know to always keep an eye and not be like so fucking careless

but let’s put in some good stuff i’ve bene listening to hyukoh and offonoff and i’ve been really loving that life if only i could see hyukoh live twice in los angeles and arcadia damnit im so fucking mad but it’s okay life goes on and i know i’ll have another chance to see them

and i’ve been watching hyori’s bed and breakfast and it’s been very therauptic to me and i aspire to have a life like her

currently listening to paul and it gives me soul 

anyway before i restarted writing this whole thing i wrote about my feelings of being on study abroad and to be completely honest, i dont feel that im on study abroad like is that strange is that manatory to feel buecasuse everyone talked about how they’re on study abroad and feels like a new environment but like to me taiwan literally feels like another home that i haven’t been in a long time like is it because im asian and i was born in asia that i feel this way or am i just recognizing my feelings and emotions in the wrong way and when i see snaps of my other friends on study abroad esp the ones in europe im just like wow they’re on study abroad but i dont efeel like im on studsy abroad even though i really am and this computer is so fucking slow rign now it cant catch up to what im typing 

i’ve talked to nick about this feeling before and it’s just really strange like is our feelings normal like i need validations that this is okay too because i didnt expect it to be like this 

i really like my classmates and my class and my teacher i love all of them and we have a good vibe and get along really well and the classroom is set up int he way you know what’s coming so i like that structure and i love how we listen to music and get off topics sometimes it makes class really fun and the teacher tries to do it liek that too 

as for the poeople in my program well i basically hang out  around soka people like nick sumire and ryan almost all the time which is kind of good and kind of not good at the same time like i know i should be going out and seeing other poeple but at the same time i like being in the comfort of them and tbh if it wasn’t for them i really would have a breakdown and im really greatful that they’re here and nccu kind of feels like soka if i dont get out of the routine that im in and so i really need to make an effort to go out like i really felt that last week and i was like shit this is soka all over again like nccu is literally surrounded by nature like all the greens and it’s so nice i’ve been way too lin love with the color forest green and nature green so it’s nice 

also if nick wasn’t here i dont think i’ll be doing crazy things like biking to fucking danshui at 1am in the morning and pulling an all nighter and shit or like pulling another allnighter that one tiem we went out to drink and ryan was so fucking drunk okay he wasnt drunk but he wasnt’ feeling well enough to go back to school so we fucking waited on the sidewalk for 4:30 until he felt better and i actually liek the dynamics of the four of us nick, sumire, ryan and me i think there’s a good balance and enough craziness and enough practicalness you couls prob tell whos the crazy one and who’s the practical one lol 

and i’ve realized that i’ve been more carefree and give less shit and just been enjoying life to the fullest dont know if its because im in taiwan but if it is then i hope i can still be as joyful and as carefree back in america and just life life and whatever happens happens for a reason and don’t get too stuck on life liek that tattoo i got was tehe whole meaning of this hahahaha

and i miss all my friends and sometimes something always reminds me of them and it just makes me 想念他們 but it’s okay because i know i will see them so try not to think too hard about it bc taiwan wil be gone sooner than i think and i dont want to have regrets 

and im in a really cute cafe with katie and winnie and i just snap-videoed my best friend bitch she should be asleep but she wasn’t but i’ll let her be bc it’s her last weekend before school starts for her and between today and yesterday i videoed friends like thuy, hung jet, dayoon, megan, and lucy and rachel and it makes me happy to see them living their lives 

#katintaiwan

[redlemonz]

Day #9

Nothingness again. I furthermore am reaching the conclusive clarity that she's already moving on with her life away from me. And once again, that's great, but when it seems as though it's so easy for the other party - I'm not sure where it leaves me at all in everything, let alone her life. Who am I to her at this very point & what does she feel? It's not something I can question or have any right to for that matter, because it's not my business at all. The reality keeps sinking in that we're not together regardless of how we act towards each other - even if there are aspects of our relationship that feel so unchanged, familiar and comfortable as if we were still best friends, as well as more. But we're not, and the distance continues to inch her away from me which each day that passes. I want nothing more than to see her and be in her presence, even as a friend right now, but that's just one of us at this stage because she's made it clear that I can't come to see her at this point. Meaning, don't interrupt her period of healing and moving on from any leftover thoughts about me in that way, because well, even though she joked about giving it a couple weeks of distance - could it actually be coming to fruition? Am I just another meaningless soul all of a sudden? Well is exactly how I feel unfortunately. Either way, my mind is the culprit of doing this to myself once again - the overthinking & drawing of conclusions that would hurt my heart, and accordingly punish myself in preparation for the potential correctness of my perception upon us. All of our friendly banter and conversation - I've just overly romanticised a bit in my head due to the fact that it makes me so uniquely happy, when really it's just nothing more than as stated - friendly banter and conversation. And the snaps she sends me are unlikely special for just me - I'm probably just part of a generic group who receives them all. Because I'm not actually special.. at all. Not anymore. I smirk at myself, as this dawning revelation (which should've obviously been common, logical sense right?) reminds me yet again, that I'm an idiot. Day 9 - fear of being forgotten At work, mid week - it's gonna be the second social soccer tonight without her. Sucky. She's been a soccer star since she was very young after all (and was of course my shining star also). Still reflecting upon my craziness and stupidity to even think about looking for an alternative job in her town. Dropping everything for a girl who doesn't even want me anymore, after we've fallen apart. What in the world was I even expecting would change? Nothing. She probably still wouldn't even wish to see me even if I were down there, and would ultimately and ironically distance herself even further away from her overly attached past. It's not even about utilising that last hurrah mentality of "what more do I have to lose?". Because there is still much to lose. It would undermine my affection and care for her a friend, and our current after- relationship circumstances, as it implies that is not enough. I've been more than graced and lucky to even still have her in my life the way I do, and part of my mind is telling me to ruin that by taking inevitably non-positive leaps in the wrong direction. Because there's always underlying, yet absolute minuscule hope that we as human beings create for ourselves - fake as it may be. To help us get through. If only I could find a balance between this craziness and leaving things completely into this nothingness I feel. What kind of loser just steps back and watches it all fall apart, even when all the odds are stacked against him? It's not very superhero, or vigilante like, for that matter, of me. It's just not me at all to give up like this so soon. But I'm learning that not being me is a good thing, especially in this case. The fact of the matter is that she wants me to step back and give up, though knowing my otherwise nature. And even it kills me and my principles, I at least have to try.. for her. So I'm the kind of loser who has to keeping reminding himself that this is the best methodology to ensure I'm putting her first, above my own selfish desires. Being human is truly fucked up. Never having the knowledge upon what's right and wrong for certain, with the exception of what your own brain and accordingly, perception, dictates it to be. Just a constant, damned life of learning until it's too late, and you've already missed out on what really matters. What I can visibly identify is wrong is the fist fight that me and one of the three just witnessed outside the mall in our break. Up to 10 teenagers of mixed gender just swinging away at each other - just another fucked up representation upon our society today, and how we devalue each other as human beings. Even more messed up, back in the office, the first question we received upon explaining what just happened, is whether we video recorded it. No - didn't even cross my mind, because it's absolutely stupid and even more messed up. We called the police straightaway and stuck around in a reasonable vicinity, so not to put our own lives in harms way, but to also ensure there was no fatal results. This all just conveys how incredibly mindless people can be - which doesn't rule me out as an exception. Just because I'm not violent in the physical sense to others, doesn't mean I haven't been emotionally or mentally. Which I have been to her and others in the past I suppose, due to my own inability to think and function as a better human being. Because look at me even now - pondering the selfish ways in which I could ultimately screw up her life even more. Though it would never be my purposeful intention ever, acting upon the possibility and risk of that knowledge is just as criminal, maybe even worse when you can grasp an understanding of it. All I know is that I'm not a good person, no matter what I do. Because I either can't do anything right, or can't ever do enough. Just like how I'll probably be a liability in soccer tonight too - not looking forth to the social surroundings, and having to speak to people once more. I don't wish to answer any questions directed me about how I'm doing, and how I'm handling everything that's going on. Which is why I'm probably being an asshole and I'm not responding to a few concerned friends who keep messaging me. I don't want their pity, I have enough an endless supply for myself already in this bottomless pit I keep falling through. I just hate the amount of effort required these days to try and continue to function in every environment Im placed within. I'm not normal and I can't be, and never will be. I've been messed up since much before than I can even bother to remember, and though I've made it this far, my march is slowing down, and my feet are just tired of waking on this burning coal. Football went as expected, nothing much to say. Tried my best to be upbeat (probably too much - many occasions of utilising bad puns than usual - likely subconsciously also inspired by her) to hide any light or visible display of feeling like an outcast from society. The pack still felt empty without her presence. These occasions just continually make me miss her more. Perhaps we wouldn't have gotten smashed either in tonight's game if her goal scoring feet of fire were present. Anyway, so I went home alone after soccer again and got some takeout on the way - reminiscing yet again, and promoting the lonely soul even further. A part of me really has been lost.. it remains with her. Can't put your heart into things as much as you'd like when it's still damaged I suppose. So she snapped me a picture - received my little package in which I sent her some pieces of our city. I can now reveal the very anticlimactic truth that they were simply shells from various different beaches around the City. Also a small pack of chocolate shells to make up for the disappointment and well, feed her addiction (that has been emphasised upon in a previous day). She took it well I guess, because she didn't get mad about it - visibly to me anyway. Hopefully she didn't mind the gesture. Yes I'm still potentially thinking too much about it, and even more so, as a negatively conclusive thought. But hey, pessimism is key right? I mean I've said countless times now that I can never do the right thing, or enough for that matter. Nothing makes a difference in the end - my fate has already been sealed. I'd rather just time hurried up & let me die alone already. It's what I deserve for not being enough, and not being able to live up to anyone's expectations. A constant disappointment who probably peaks at first impression, and then rapidly fades into an oblivion of insignificance and plain, boring, and empty personality with nothing to offer you. Seems as though time isn't necessarily always a healing factor for all, and for me it's certainly more of a time-bomb ticking away rather than a clock. Because as those hands continue to turn, day by day, my acceptance level of my own worthlessness continues to grow.. until the day that bomb finally explodes. Anyway, dark & suicidal themes and thoughts aside (I can assure you and trust that they will remain that way), she also is restarting soccer, or as she calls it, futsal tonight. Late game. You go, goal scorer - all the best. I miss you - and it's sucks that we're slipping away from each other.. but good for you, cutie. That team is lucky to have you on their side, like I once did. Speaking of this absolutely sucky situation of mine (I mean it's all I talk about after all), reflecting back to a work moment today where I conversed with my own previous (and favourite) team leader regarding this general subject. When I say conversed with her, I mean ranted to her and had a 12-year-old salt-spree about love and marriage, and everything I essentially wanted all being an absolute sham, and not being an existing reality for anyone in any situation (thankfully she understands my current circumstances and more importantly, my sense of humour - I'm not purposely a dick to other people, come on). Though I was having a light hearted kid-around about the subject, I started to detach a bit from the simple fairytale of love, and love as a concept at all - as when spoken aloud - you can't help but question the reality further. That maybe such a simple idea such as true love doesn't really exist at all. People just have temporary moments of ultra joy, and well, that's about it. It's just a stupid concept we made up to explain such non-lasting behaviour or feelings. Oh if only I could ever believe any of it - it'd make life so much simpler, wouldn't it? But I can't. She's a constant living proof and reminder to me that true love does exist. And furthermore, it's worth every bit of pain and suffering - before, during, and even after. Her smile is all that matters. Also, I have a wedding to officiate tomorrow evening, so I should probably stop having a tantrum about my own failed love life. At least I can continue to bind others together, even if I'm ultimately left behind on my own.