#i want people to think he's been outside in the fucking rain for 3 hours

[impostorsshow]

buddy i dont think you get your situation here [i got him out but he's spending time in the corner because that was not my fault /j]

also update i think leo is proving to me why i need a new prescription because his face is blurrier on the right side of the screen than the left when im trying to make him cry [and its not working]

if he's sad now how do i make him depressed. how do i make him into this fucking cat

if i was an ao3 writer and my partner was capable of writing anything than its own oc's then this little leo would be fucking dead [im not implying you would like tmnt dw love im just implying i would bully you <3]

#ghost future leonardo #this guy is made by venelona-turtle-den i figured out how to softtag people its called use the fucking tags lets gooo #no more embarrasment anyway #he isnt ghost leo to me he's little leo because i call my favorite things little. little link figurine little foxy plush and now #little leo to go along with my little old man aka my cat #i want to make him fucking sopping in that asexual way #i want people to think he's been outside in the fucking rain for 3 hours #BUT NO “HE SEEMS A BIT UPSET” ASK AGAIN LET ME ASK AGAIN YOU COWARD #LET ME PUSH THIS MAN TO THE POINT HE HATES ME I NEED TO KNOW OPS HEADCANONS AND I AM FUCKING GETTING THEM #but im actually a dumbass. so its going to take me multiple weeks #like i want to make little leo so upset. he fucking crashes #pull a ddlc my little dude cmonnn cmonnn cmonnn cmonnn you know you want to go apeshit /ref #talk talks

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey, guys! I've been receiving a ton of messages in response to my last post. It's reminding me of how I first discovered shifting. I feel like doing a little story time since Ive just passed the three-year mark of my discovery, and I've been reminiscing with friends about it.

I remember being in a very dark place when I stumbled upon shifting. I was depressed, and very suicidal. Yet, there was this unshakeable optimism inside me that I was meant for an extraordinary life. Despite my mental state, I had a lot of knowledge of subliminals and the law of attraction (-_-). These gave me hope, but they weren't enough tbh. I didn't want to attract my dream life through practicing gratitude or becoming a magnet for my desires or whatever. Nor did I want to have to listen to subliminals for years on end to achieve my goals. My list of desires was so long, and I needed everything to change that going step by step and waiting years for each one to manifest just wasn't feasible.

But I refused to give up. One day, after a particularly hard day of being sad per usual, I searched on Quora for something like "fastest most powerful subliminals on YouTube ever" (Y’all 😭😭). Among the recommended sub creators, I found a video called "Desired Life: Reality Shifting". The description promised everything I had ever wanted: waking up with all your desires fulfilled permanently in short. It piqued my curiosity so much. Could I really just wake up with my dream life, family, house, wealth, all based on my scripts and imagination?

Growing up, I was a heavy maladaptive daydreamer. From ages 10-17, I created alternate lives in my head, telling myself I would go there someday. I was always doing SATs (State Akin to Sleep), and I think that's what kept me from ending it all. I was constantly in the wish fulfilled state, even though I didn't know what that was at the time.

Back to my story, I went into the comments of that video and came across a guy who claimed that after a week of using this subliminal, he woke up with a new life as a multi-millionaire living in his dream penthouse. I messaged him, and he gave me his Instagram which showcased his luxurious life. He had what seemed like a perfect relationship, he was very attractive, had so many cars, and travelled 24/7 while having a six figures amount of followers. He was living proof that this wasn't just scripting. Also the law of attraction community is known for their mad expensive coaching.. like hundreds of dollars per hour for questions and he was answering it all for free something I didn’t see the law of attraction community. And I talked to him for hours! He never got mad, he had proof, and he was kind, proof and the behavior of someone who really had mastered the art of life.

After our conversation, I spent the next couple of months doing research. I found numerous stories about glitches in the matrix, accidental shifting, people entering parallel realities, and eventually, shifting communities on platforms like Amino and Reddit. It was stuff I already believed in and did in my imagination; I just didn’t know there was a term for it.

Then I got reminded of a memory that I had seriously repressed bc it was so fucking weird. When I was 6 and my brother was 3, we were absolutely obsessed with dodo birds. One day, we were outside playing, and on god time seemed to stop. Out of nowhere, a dodo bird appeared. I know you��re probably like “maya be so fr rn you were a kid” but no, This wasn't just our young imaginations running wild - there was a bird that was huge, dinosaur-like, exactly how dodos are described in books and pictures we had.

Then things got weirder. Suddenly it started raining eggs. Big, large eggs everywhere it was so gross and my brother and I were a mess. We were young, sure, but not stupid. We knew this wasn't normal. My brother and I rushed inside to tell our dad. When I managed to drag him outside, he was furious, accusing me of throwing eggs everywhere. To this day, he tells the story of the time I "trashed the backyard with eggs." And every time, I'm like, "Dad, where would I get that many eggs?" We didn’t have eggs but so he assumed I stole them and we went inside for hours and it was magically cleaned. So he also tells the story of how responsible I am and how I took accountability for my actions even as a child. I didn’t clean that shit bro and I tell him that too and he just laughs it makes me so mad.

My brother, who knows I'm into reality shifting (though he doesn’t really believe in it), can't explain that day either. He often shrugs it off as a "glitch in the matrix," which honestly, well no duh it is a shift dummie. He does believe in manifesting but only bc he has seen me use it and he experiences the good things I manifest as well. They’re the same thing anyways but that isn’t the point

The reason I'm bringing up this bizarre childhood memory is because during my months of research into shifting, I found countless stories of accidental shifts, people entering the void, entering parallel universes, time glitches, examples of the Mandela effect first hand, glitches in the matrix and etc. It was like uncovering a myriad of experiences that confirmed what I already believed: we can change and choose our reality. I just didn’t know the phenomena had a name. Obviously in the future I came across other things like the law of assumption, the void state, etc etc but this was where it started.

I wish I had saved all those fascinating stories, posts, and blogs. I might go back and compile everything I found because they were so real and enlightening. It will probably take forever tho if I do choose to do that, but I think it's worth sharing.

In the meantime, check out this accounts of accidental shifts that my friend shared with me this account https://instagram.com/tessicavision?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA== based off the Glitch in the Matrix subreddit which is also a goldmine of people experiencing similar phenomena. It helped me make sense of my own experiences and might do the same for you.

I don’t want this to be too long and I already got to the point I think! but regardless stay curious and realize you’re really not that special. I mean ofc you are, i mean this is not some tumblr thing teens girls discovered or created and isn’t even limited to “spiritually/manifesting inclined people” I think at the beginning of my journey people talking about accidental shifts and such, inspired me more than purposeful success stories because they really have no reason to lie and they were looking for answers just like I was.

#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #reality shifting #shiftblr

[beomboomboom]

Important

genre: fluff, angst, established relationship

pairing: idol!Jihoon x reader

summary: Jihoon is a busy guy, everyone knows that. But why does it hurt so much when he can't even make time for his own girlfriend? All you want is Jihoon's love and affection, why is that so difficult?

warnings: a bit of swearing

note: This fic includes some lyrics from the song All My Love by SEVENTEEN (If you haven't heard this song, I strongly recommend you listen to it. It's such a good song!!) I hope you enjoy reading the fic <33

"Am I really that important to you?"

There's tears in your eyes when you ask Jihoon the question you've been wondering about for the past few weeks.

Part of you knows you're just being irrational. Jihoon has other things he needs to focus on. He's an idol and a producer for fucks sake, it's practically guaranteed that he's going to be busy with work 24/7. So it's unrealistic for you to expect him to be able to make time for you whenever you feel the need for some company.

But the other part of you feels lonely. Coming home everyday to the sight of an empty apartment without Jihoon isn't exactly the most uplifting sight to see. And even when Jihoon on the rare occasion, does come home, all you are able to see is his passed out figure before he leaves in the morning while you still sleep.

All you want is Jihoon's love and affection, why is that so hard?

You receive your answer to that very question in the way Jihoon sits in a distracted silence when he hears your question. His eyes looking at his computer in a daze, too busy thinking up of ideas for new songs to produce rather than looking at the way you're about to burst into tears.

"Fine. If you can't even give me one second of your time and focus I'm going to leave," you yell angrily as more tears spring into your eyes. You quickly stand up from your position on Jihoon's couch and exit his studio, slamming the door behind you.

"WAI-" Jihoon starts to shout, finally finding his voice. His eyes widen while his hand is outstretched toward the direction of his door as if it's going to make you come back.

But it's too late.

You're gone.

Jihoon knows he fucked up.

More than that actually.

He knows that it's his fault your relationship with him feels so one-sided. He has a habit of overworking himself. Oftentimes minutes in the studio turning into hours before turning into days of being cooped up producing songs, causing him to neglect the very people he wants to spend all his time with.

Jihoon wishes he could tell you how much he loves you, that he's not trying to neglect you on purpose. He just sometimes gets caught up in his work and doesn't realize when it's time to take a break. He wishes he could tell you that he misses you as much as you miss him, even though he doesn't show it.

But now he has no idea what he could possibly do to solve the predicament he's in. Jihoon could talk with you, but he knows he's not the best with confrontation. Jihoon could give you a few days of space, but he knows that it's probably not the best choice since the whole reason you got mad was because Jihoon wasn't around you enough.

So, Jihoon turns to what he's best at doing. What he does when he doesn't have a clue on what to do.

Songwriting.

Sometimes he'll write songs for his members, comforting them through his lyrics. Other times he'll write songs for Carats, wanting to share with them some encouraging and happy tunes.

But this time, he's writing a song for you.

Jihoon knows that writing a song for you won't make you forgive him instantly, but the most he can do is try to make things better a little bit at a time.

It's 3 in the morning when you hear a knock at your front door. As the rain falls softly on your window, the only question that on your mind is, who the heck is outside your house at such an ungodly hour?

Feet shuffling along the cold floor, you sleepily walk over to your door and open it. Your sleepy eyes are still trying to make sense of the situation when Jihoon stands outside your apartment door.

In front of you stands a drenched Jihoon with puffy red eyes carrying his signature black backpack that is absolutely ginormous on him.

"Jihoon? What are you doing here?"

Mumbling something incoherently, you watch, still half-awake, as Jihoon slowly walks up to you and gently wraps his arms around you.

As you feel the wetness from Jihoon's shirt begin to seep into your own shirt, you try to softly push Jihoon away. But that only makes Jihoon hug you tighter. "Don't go...,"you hear him mumble as he presses his face into the crook of your neck, and that's when you realize that Jihoon is crying.

You're torn.

Seeing your boyfriend cry is a rare occurence and as much as you want to hug him tightly and kiss away all his tears, you want to run away because how can he come back to your apartment as if nothing had happened in these past few months.

"I'm sorry," Jihoon says, his voice cracking and mouth quivering, as he cries, letting his tears drop messily into the fabric of your shirt.

Taking Jihoon's face in your hands, you quietly rub away his tears which only makes him cry harder. Leaning into your touch, he takes hold of your wrist and gently rubs it. "I-I'm really sorry. You don't deserve a terrible boyfriend like me."

"No, don't say that. You know what, how about I get you a towel so that you can dry yourself off and then we can talk more, okay?

"Okay"

By the time you return from the bathroom, towel in hand, Jihoon is sitting on the couch and pulling his computer out of his bag. "oh...are you going to be working more?"

He can hear the disappointment in your voice when you ask the question, you're so used to him working all the time that you're not even angry ... you're just disappointed. Jihoon feels a wave of guilt wash over him as he realizes that all the things you said to him before were true, he was just too busy to realize it.

"Ah, no. I have something to show you," Jihoon says with a tired smile as he pats the seat on the couch beside him, inviting you to sit.

Hesitant, you take a seat next to your boyfriend and look at his computer screen where you can see him open a file. You then watch as Jihoon pulls out a pair of earphones and plugs them into the computer.

Putting the earbuds into your ears, Jihoon presses play as his eyes shake, nervously watching your face for any kind of reaction.

The second the melody of the song plays into your ears, you feel like crying out of disbelief. "You made a song for me?" you ask, suprise etched all over your face, as you look towards Jihoon's direction.

Nodding with a small but nervous smile, Jihoon then motions for you to continue listening.

And it's when you reach the part of the song where you can hear the lyrics sung by the sweet honey voice of your boyfriend, when you begin to cry.

Just likе a pouring meteor shower Please be the light in the dark sky I can do everything for you For you I just want to give you everything And that makes me feel small, a fool who only accepts It suddenly makes me hate myself And makes me feel sorrier towards you

"Oh- Jihoon-," you start to say with tears in your eyes as you close the gap between you and Jihoon and give him a tight hug, your face pressed against his chest. "This is beautiful," you continue on to say sincerely.

Blushing, Jihoon quietly mutters with a nervous laugh, "you haven't even finished the song, listen to what i'm trying to say."

Following Jihoon's instructions, you lean on him and quickly refocus your attention back on the song.

Though it was hard writing my feelings down And all I have is this song and these lyrics For you, for you, for you, for you I sing this song for you tonight So I can get closer to your love

My love only amounts to this But my feelings will never change, for you baby Even if my love only amounts to this I'll be your umbrella in the rain I'll protect you on all your days

By the time you finish listening to Jihoon's song for you, you're in shambles. "fuck- Jihoon, I love you so much you know? I'm still mad at you but I still love you so much," you say as tears roll down your cheeks. Pressing your forehead against Jihoon's, you lean in to give him a chaste kiss on the lips.

Jihoon freezes for a moment before immediately tugging you closer to his body and reciprocating your kiss. "I don't deserve someone as precious as you,"he whispers before devouring your lips into another kiss.

When both you and Jihoon finally break away from each other to get some oxygen into your lungs, Jihoon gently takes your hands into his own. "I-I'm really sorry though. I was a terrible boyfriend these past few months, but I'm going to work on trying to improve myself. Even though I'll probably be busy with producing songs, i'll try to make time for you."

You let out a relived smile when you hear Jihoon's sincere words. "Okay, and I understand if you need time for other things too."

Jihoon gives you a small nod and a smile. "And to answer your previous question, of course you're important to me. For fucks sake you're my girlfriend, you're one of the most important people in my life. How can you not be important to me?" Jihoon says while cupping your face before continuing on to say," just because I don't show it, doesn't mean I don't feel it."

"I love you," he finally whispers with a smile as he places a small peck on your lips.

#seventeen fanfic #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen x reader #woozi x reader #woozi fanfic #woozi fluff #woozi scenarios #woozi imagines #woozi x you #woozi x y/n #jihoon scenarios #jihoon fluff #jihoon imagines #jihoon x reader #jihoon x you

[hoes4lino]

Do you wanna share a towel? | LMH

WARNING ⊂✦⊃ This story contains nsfw content; minors please don’t interact, please beware of what you consume online.

Genre: Childhood friends to Enemies to Lovers

Word count: 2k

Summary: it’s spring break and your mom and her best friend decide to rent an airbnb to spend the week in, everything sounds great until you realize Minho has to tag along.

A/N: pretty little liars inspired me to come back from death and write this fic hope y’all enjoy <3

It was a cloudy day on a Sunday morning the weather didn’t look the best, a heavy storm coming its way. You finish packing your stuff as you stare at the window, the light rain and the dim lights of the porch bringing some type of comfort to your heart.

*Ding*

The light of your phone lights up at the notification, you grabbed it to see a text from the person you hoped not hearing from today… specially this early.

lifeless hoe: don’t think im texting you cause i want to.

lifeless hoe: my mom’s phone ran out of battery, she told me to warn you and your mom about the storm

lifeless hoe: we already in the house, so she will be waiting for you, stay safe (that’s meant for your mom btw) <3

You roll your eyes at his texts and reply back with a simple k.

Its not like you hate him, but he seems to not like you at all and you been trying to figure out why. He and you been knowing each other since kids, both your moms are best friends and therefore you two had no choice but to grew up together. As kids the two of you had a cute friendship but as both of you reached puberty the friendship started to die, both of you being too busy with friends, parties and relationships to focus on your childhood friendship. You realized Minho didn’t like you anymore the moment you started dating one of his friends, he suddenly became distant and he would never told you why. When you broke up with his friend he seemed to calm down a little bit, but the coldness was always there.

Preparing your favorite book and your Spotify playlist you place your stuff in the car, ready for the long roadtrip, making your calculation you assumed you will be there by dinner, depending on how strong is the storm. The sounds of the droplets hitting the car roof as you listened to your favorite song and stared outside the window; made you feel at peace, your eyes slowly closing as you drift into peaceful sleep. Thats until someone abruptly opens the car door almost making you fall from it.

“Wake up sleeping beauty” someone said with a mocking tone, adjusting your vision you look up to see no other but Lee Minho.

You scoff “out of all people, you are the first one i have to see in this trip” you yawn as you stretch looking around a little bit confused.

“Ok ok, can you hurry the fuck up? The rain just calmed down and you been sleeping here for an hour now” he said impatiently as he hold an umbrella and your suitcase on the other hand.

As you get out of the car and walked under his umbrella you speak up to break the awkward silence “so you telling me… we arrived an hour ago and my mom didn’t wake me up?” You said in confusion with a little bit of betrayal in your tone.

“Yeah… my mom came to greet your mom and they just walked back to the house, this whole time they thought you were with me” he chuckled a little bit as he started to walk fasted.

“YAH walk slower im getting wet” you complain as you try to match his steps “oh really” he said teasingly, he stopped and looked at you directly in your eyes “bet” he said, making you raise an eyebrow in confusion; suddenly he started running leaving you couple centimeters behind with no umbrella.

“YAH LEE MINHO” you screamed as you chased him down the rain, that’s when you knew it was about to be a long week.

————————————————————————————————————————————

It was 8pm from that same day, you were in your bathroom about take a shower when someone knocked on the door “occupied” you said as the door started to open.

“My bad, i need to take a shower and this is the only bathroom with hot water” he said as he took off his shirt and place his towel on the counter besides you.

“Well if you haven’t noticed, im also about to take a bath, wait till your turn you creep” you roll your eyes trying to push him away but he is heavier than you thought. Suddenly you catch him looking around the bathroom, making you mimic his movements.

“Well” he emphasized the word “in case you haven’t noticed you didn’t brought a towel” he paused thinking if the next thing he had to say was worth it “do you wanna share a towel?” He said in a very teasing way, his eyes piercing right through yours and his smirk seductively as ever.

The moment you moved your gaze to your blushing self in the mirror you wanted to die.. this can’t get any worse.

“You win. Im leaving” you said a bitter tone as you send him a death stare, however as you are about to leave the bathroom, you hear your mom barging in your room.

“y/n” she said, as suddenly Minho leans towards your ear and whispers “oh oh, think what your mom will think if she comes in and sees her daughter with her best friend son in the bathroom while he is half naked” he chuckled as he started to undress and get in the shower.

“You asshole” you swear under your breath, your mom knocking the door “y/n, I need my phone I left it there charging while I showered, im going in” she said, as you panicky entered the shower with Minho there.

He looked at you in surprise as he didn’t thought you would dare to join him, you could see his intentions to say something so you got closer and covered his mouth with your hand while your mom walked through the bathroom.

“Dinner is at 9:30pm please don’t be late, see you there honey” with that she finally exited the bathroom, a huge relieve hovering you as you didn’t get caught.

“You asshole, you almost set us up for trouble” you cry in desperation. “See I wouldn’t mind you scolding me, if I wasn’t naked and if I couldn’t see your nipples through your white shirt” you look down to were his eyes were focusing on, to see your white tank top fully drenched in water reveling your tits to him.

For a second you forgot everything and stared at the man infront of you, lips slightly parted, dark brown eyes, wet brown hair that slightly covered his eyes and moving down you saw his honey tone chest covered with water droplets that would slide all the way down to his… STOP

you brought yourself back to reality “mom said dinner is at 9:30…” you paused not even knowing what you are saying “we can’t be late” you are about to leave the shower, when you felt his hand grabbing your wrist “she said don’t be late” he said, you look at him confused “just shower with me” he finishes making you die of laugher “thats the stupidest idea you ever came with” you laugh at him “hey why? our moms used to bath us together when we were kids to save time” he argued back “Minho we were 3… things have changed now” you scoff.

“Oh so you are saying that if you bathed with me you will want to fuck me?” He raised a brow “what?! No!! NEVER” you argue back “actually I think you will be the one having THAT problem” you smirk at him, kinda like daring him to see who would cave into temptation first “BET” he says.

With that you agree to his little game, undressing yourself painfully slow, can feel his eyes hovering your body, as you remove all your cloth, once being fully naked you walk closer to him startling him.

“What? I need to get under the shower, if not how else am I supposed to get wet?” You give him an innocent look and thats when he knew he was screw.

As the hot water starts pouring down your body, you bend down fully letting Minho have a view of your back shot, he could feel his body starting to betray him, but he refused to give in first, he wanted you to be the one begging for him touch. You stood back up with your loofah full with soap, slowly moving it everywhere in your body, his eyes hypnotized by the movement.

“What? Already losing” you smile at him, your ego being boosted by the type of power you had on him, that was until you suddenly gasp, as you feel him caging you, your front being pressed against the glass wall of the shower and him being behind you.

“Im sorry, I just needed to grab the shampoo” you turn to look at him scoffing “you definitely did that on purpose” you glare at his eyes “maybe, but I know what you being doing” he took a step closer “or am I wrong” he titled his head as he caressed your cheek “oh so you are the first one to give in huh” you smile as he laughed “will see” he said as you raised a brow in confusion, with that he suddenly touched your pussy and started teasing your clit as he kissed your neck and ears. You swore you could see the stars, the way his finger moved in a circular way on your clit and the way his tongue danced on your neck, desperate moans begging for more. Thats when suddenly a tap on your shoulder startled you and you woke up.

“Having a wet dream?” You see the man laying next to you and blood rushed over to your cheeks… it was… all a dream… you were having a wet dream with MINHO.

he chuckled… “don’t worry I also have those with you pretty often, just relax, we have the whole week in this house for ourselves” he teased as he got up from your bed “dinner is ready” were his last words as he left the room leaving you dumbfounded and with an aching core.

#lee know #skz smut #skz fluff #lee know fluff #lee know smut #minho smut #lee minho smut #stray kids imagines #leeknow smut

[smuts-whore]

Choose <3

Jimmy Uso x female reader ;Jey Uso x female reader

Rating:18+

Warnings:Smut, cheating, angst

Today is the day that Jimmy comes back home after being on the road for a month. Jimmy and I have been in a relationship for almost a year now and it's hard when he's traveling  so I'm happy he comes home today. Knocking me out of my thoughts I hear the door opening and closing.

"Y/N your in here girl" Jimmy asked as I ran down the stairs to jump in his arms hugging him.

He hugged me back and kissed me. When he put me down I looked behind him and Jey. My body tensed up and my heart started beating fast. Lately when I'm around Jey I have a boost of anxiety that hits and I have butterflies in my stomach.

"Hey Y/N. How have you been"he said, hugging me, putting his hand on my lower back very close to my ass.

I hurriedly moved and went to join Jimmy on the couch. 

“I’m so happy you're  home. I’ve missed you more than anything. I was thinking we could go on a date tonight since we didn’t get to do one last time. And maybe after the date we can have a little 34+35 action”, I said tracing my finger on his thigh whispering the last part so Jey couldn’t hear since he was across from us.

“Actually babe I promised the boys that we could go out to the bar tonight. Have some drinks since we’re all off” he said, stopping

my hand by placing his on top of mine, eyes not leaving the tv once. 

“Oh okay that’s cool. We’ll just move our date night to the next time you come home” I said as my heart broke at the fact that he’d rather go get drinks with the people he has been with for a month, instead of spending his time with me.

Jey eyes never left me. He almost looked sorry for me. It made me wonder what he would do if he had a girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like I’m not Jimmy’s at all. He always tells me I’m his and not going anywhere but there is no effort to try to keep me there. I kissed his arm and walked upstairs going to lay down. He doesn't want to spend time with me so neither do I. 

I tucked myself in the covers crying a little because all I want is for my baby to want to spend time with me. Tonight it’s the bar and for the rest of the week it’ll be something else. I slowly drift to sleep. 

I woke up to Jimmy kissing my forehead. I looked up at him and he was dressed to go out. He looked so sexy, enough to eat. I inhaled his scent and pushed my legs together to try to stop the pool from forming in between my legs. I stood on my knees and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him. 

I deepened the kiss and he allowed me. Our tongues fight each other for control. When I won I thought I had him. I moved one of my arms to take his hand and put it inside of my shorts. He groaned at how wet he made me. Right when I thought he was going to rub me he moved his hand and backed away from me. I know this bitch is playing. 

“Baby you know I’m going out with the boys. I’ll handle that when I get back home. I promise I won’t be long”, he said walking out of the room leaving me frustrated. 

Four hours have passed, it is currently 2 am and Jimmy is not home yet. To top that it is raining like hell outside. I started to worry about him because he never called me either and that’s unusual. When I went to call him there was a knock on the door. I figured it was him because he always forgot his keys. 

“Thank god I thought something-” I said stopping my sentence to see it was not Jimmy, it was Jey. He was soaked from the rain and let me say he looked sexy as fuck. The water just falling on him and the house lights on him perfectly. 

I didn’t realize I was staring until he said,”You're just going to stand there staring or you're gonna let me in. It’s kind of cold.”

I blushed, moving aside so he could enter the house. He watched as I walked away because I had on some short spandex biker shorts and a crop top. I handed him a blanket and he gladly took it, wrapping it around him to warm up. 

“What’s up Jey? Where’s Jimmy”, I asked.

“I don’t know. I left them an hour ago because I was worried about you in this weather” he said, making my heart swell. 

“Well thank you. I really needed that”, I said, hugging him, not caring if he was wet. 

“Someone with a ass like yours should not be left alone for 5 minutes” he said, rubbing up and down my back. 

Something came over me and I looked up and stared into his eyes. They were so filled with lust I couldn’t help myself. I reached up and connected our lips. He dropped the blanket, picking me up as I put my legs around his waist. He trailed kissing all over my neck looking for that spot. When he found it I let out a soft moan. He grinned against my neck carrying me upstairs to the room. 

He threw me on the bed and I started taking off my clothes as Jey watched. 

When I was fully naked he whispered,”You are so fucking beautiful.”

He took off his clothes and I watched in awe at his body. When he was completely naked I grabbed his dick and he slapped my hand away. I looked up at him shocked. 

“No. Tonight is about making you feel the way you deserve to” he said as I moaned at his powerful words. 

He flipped me around on all fours. He rubbed his thumb between my folds and groaned at how wet I was. 

“Are you always this wet” he asked, slowly rubbing my clit. 

I whined and said,”Maybe you’ll have to stick around to find out daddy.”

He smacked my ass making me jolt forward slightly. A surprised, loud moan escaped my lips and he licked a strip up my cunt. He mumbled how  good I tasted and started eating me like a starved man. I gripped the sheets moaning like crazy at the pleasure I was feeling. It became overwhelming. I reached behind me and tried pushing his head away but it didn’t work. He grabbed my arms holding them down behind my back. 

“FUCKKKKK”, left my lips as I came, back arching and legs shaking. 

He licked up everything that came out of me and got up. He flipped me over on my back while stroking his length. He hit his dick against my pussy, teasing me.

I groaned and said,”Omg Jey put it in! Please daddy.”

“Needy little thing” he said, smirking at my begging as he entered me. 

My back immediately arching in the air due to him stretching me out. He started thrusting at a slow but deep speed. 

“You don’t know how long I have waiting to be in this tight, wet, pussy baby” he said, groaning, slowly losing himself in my body. 

He rubbed my nipples in his hands, speeding up his thrust. 

“Omg don’t stop! RIGHT THERE DADDY”, I moaned as he hit my spot with every thrust causing me to rub my clit fast chasing my orgasm. I felt the knot in my stomach forming. 

“Please daddy can I cum”, I begged as my legs started shaking uncontrollably. 

“Go ahead baby, come on daddy’s cock. Let it all go”, he said, speeding up more at an inhuman speed causing me to explode. 

I came so hard my vision was white and no sound could come out my mouth. When I came back to reality Jey’s thrust was getting sloppy and his dick was twitching inside me. 

“Where do you want it baby”,he asked, groaning, losing his shit.

I pulled off of him and put his dick in my mouth, milking him by sucking the tip. 

He moaned as he burst in my mouth. When all his load was in my mouth, I swallowed all of it and stuck my tongue out to show him. He groaned and kissed me. 

It’s been 4 months since that night and me and Jey have been sleeping together ever since then. When they were on the road we would facetime after me and Jimmy. 

Right now they’re back home. Jimmy’s somewhere with Solo and Jey is 9 inches deep in me. Of course I feel bad about it, it’s just too good to stop. Jimmy has been changing slowly, showing me more attention and spending time with me but a part of me still wants Jey, it’s actually very confusing. 

I was a moaning mess as I scratched at Jey’s back. We jumped and covered ourselves when the door opened, revealing a hurt Jimmy. 

“Wow I was right”, he said as tears fell down his cheeks and his voice cracked. 

“I am so sorry baby. Please believe me. Jey was here when you weren't. When I needed you. It just went far”, I said, getting up holding his hand. 

Jey said,”I’m sorry Uce but I love Y/N. I couldn’t stand watching how you treated her so I needed to make her feel love.”

Jimmy sighed and rubbed my cheek wiping away my tears. 

“He’s right. I didn’t do you right and I’m sorry for that. Do you love him”, he said. 

“I don’t know but I still love you”, I said crying harder. 

Jimmy said,” I hate to do this to you mama but you have to choose one of us. Him or me?”

I sighed knowing I have to pick one of them. I walked up to Jey putting my forehead against his. Both of us crying, knowing where this is going. 

“I love you but we have to stop. I love you but I’m in love with Jimmy. Maybe if I would have met you first I would have made a different decision”, I said, playing in his hair. 

He said,”I will always love you Y/N and I’m always here for you.”

He got up, got dressed and kissed my forehead before walking out. I watched him walk out and I felt an empty pit in my heart. Jimmy held me as I wondered if I made the right decision. 

#jey uso imagine #jey uso fanfiction #jey uso #jey uso x reader #jey uso smut #jimmy uso #jimmy uso smut #the usos #the bloodline #the usos fanfic #wwe #wwe smut #wwe fanfiction

[dragonbe-writing]

Let It Snow (x John Price)

Day 1 of @glitterypirateduck's December Challenge!

(it wouldn't be a college kid doing a challenge if the first day wasnt late LMFAO)

This is (obviously) inspired by the song, so it's all cute and sweet. John Price coming home for Christmas for some much needed cuddles. Gender neuteral reader/ no descriptive pronouns. Use of pet names (duh it's Price). Only about 500 words, but it's nice.

I'm using this challenege to push myself back into writing, but I am about to start finals so bear with me for this first week. Enjoy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four months.

That’s how long John had been away. 

Four- miserable -months. 

Stuck in the desert, sand in every part of his being, sweating day in and day out. No rain, no relief. 

He’s fucking tired. He needs his love, and he needs them now. 

Yet he’s here, at the airport, looking at the list of delays and downright cancellations. There’s a snow storm brewing, causing some difficulty up in the air. He’s flown in worse, he figures, but he knows they're doing their job. 

His leg bounces sporadically. Another flight cancelled. Another group of people who won’t be home for Christmas. That won’t be him. It can’t be. 

He pulls his phone out, huffing as he entered his password. 

Still at the airport, love. Not looking great. 

God, he hates himself. If not for his stupid job, he’d be home with them. They’d be rambling about something that happened while he was gone, or maybe gossiping about a new tenant in their building. 

Another flight cancelled. This one, close to the area he was flying to. 

Shit. 

A vibration pulls him from his head, making him look down. 

That’s alright, baby. I just want you safe &lt;3

He damn near growls. It’s not alright, and he knows it. But they're so sweet, they wouldn’t dare even give him the impression that they’re sad. But he knows. He can picture it in his head- his sweet thing curled up in their bed, alone, again, heartbroken that he’ll miss Christmas. 

Another flight cancelled. His flight. 

He can’t sit anymore. He stands angrily, bag slung over his shoulder as he marches for the exit. People move for him- who wouldn’t, he’s huge and pissed. He’s already on the phone by the time he’s outside the crowded, loud airport. 

“Nik? I need a favor.”

~~~

He doesn’t even take the elevator in their building. 

He practically ran up the four flights of stairs to get to their apartment. He’s knocking on the door before he knows it, already smiling to himself. He dropped his bag to the side. 

Seconds feel like hours, and he thinks for a second that something terrible happened. But then the door opens, and his love leaps into his arms. 

And he’s home. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” he chuckles, burying his face in their neck and breathing in their scent. “Missed you.”

“Missed you too. Missed you so much,” they whisper to him. He can hear the tremble of their voice, and he knows they’ve been crying. “I thought your flight was canceled?”

“Didn’t really think I’d leave you alone for Christmas, would ya?” he spoke, his voice deep and relaxed. They laugh, and it’s the best present he’ll get all year. He carries them inside, sitting on the couch. The news is on the TV, talking about the snow, about all the flights canceled. He reaches over and grabs the remote, turning it off. 

“They said we’re supposed to get quite a bit,” they say, looking up at him with those beautiful eyes he adores. 

“It can snow all it wants, now. Hope it gets you out of work all month,” he smiles, kissing them softly. “Hope nothin’ bothers us.” 

“Merry Christmas, John.”

“Merry Christmas, love.”

#codholiday2023 #call of duty #captain price #john price #captain john price #cod mw22 #writing #fanfic #cod #cod fanfic #cod mw2

[geeky-politics-46]

You Belong To Me - Part 4

Smut - Explicit content - NSFW - 18+ only!

Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3 of "You Belong To Me"

Pairing: Sinister Stephen Strange x Reader, Stephen Strange x Reader

Summary: Sinister makes sure you feel at home in your new universe in very intimate ways & Stephen learns an important revelation as the others make a plan to rescue you.

Warnings: Smut (NSFW) - 18+ ONLY - fingering, dubious consent, deception, manipulation, breeding kink, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, dirty talk, pet names, lactation kink, cum play, jealousy, language, toxic relationship, kinda cheating?, lying, mention of potential pregnancy complications (mild), canon level violence.

In case you didn't hear, there will now be 5 parts to this story so this ends on a cliffhanger! Thanks to a very long filthy opening section. Corrections will be made as I find them.

You stood in one of the arches of the crumbling Sanctum staring out the window across the room. You walked over & ran your hand down the pane of glass. Somehow it wasn't broken. Or perhaps he had fixed it. He had been trying to fix various bits of the Sanctum since you arrived. Making the place more habitable. Warmer & safer for you & the babies when they came. 

He didn't want you to leave the Sanctum, even with him there. At least not for now. The risks of someone coming, trying to take you back to your universe, was too great & he couldn't protect you outside the Sanctum walls. Not that there was much to do in this universe. There were no other people, besides you & Stephen, & many of the buildings & surroundings were in a half destroyed state.

The weather was the same as it always was in this universe. Dreary. You didn't miss the sunlight or oppressive heat, you did miss the rain though & storms. You missed people watching too. The silence was somewhat refreshing. You didn't miss the horns & the construction at all, nor the sounds of people. You did miss the birds. 

You felt his arms slide around your waist before coming to rest on your pregnant belly & a series of soft kisses landed down your neck before his chin came to rest on your shoulder. It still felt a little different. You had convinced him to trim the goatee a little. Even he admitted it felt better, although according to him having you there he felt like a brand new man altogether. 

He felt... happy. For the first time in years. He couldn't even remember how long. He hated seeing you long for things that you could no longer have though. Things you had left behind for him. He swore he would figure out a way to give you that world back or to fix this one for you. 

"I'm sorry this poor excuse of a world is what I can provide for you my love. I promise I have a plan to give you more. To create the most perfect paradise for us. One where we will be safe for eternity. It will take a little time though. In the meantime I can't say that I don't love having you all to myself else every moment of every day."

"I'm also sorry that now, because of him," the last word coming out as a growl, "I couldn't wait until after the babies were born to bring you here."

You reached up to cradle his face in one hand & put your other hand over his on your belly. For a guy who seemed to strike so much fear into Wanda, Wong, & the other Stephen this man seemed like a teddy bear to you in these moments when he was vulnerable. Like a little lost puppy who had been shown love & compassion for the first time. You turned your face into his & nuzzled your nose into his cheek before placing a few kisses there.

"I love you my darling. All that matters is you are here with me & that our babies are safe. I know you will protect us. We don't need frills & material things as long as we have our little family. I would rather burn that world to the ground than be back there with him, with her. After what they did. Perhaps we can do that together? A little date night before the babies arrive. Besides, I think you like being able to fuck me on any surface of this place at any hour as many times as you want without interruption. Why would you want to go changing that?" 

You started to sway your hips side to side softly rubbing against his groin. He could feel your lips curl into a mischievous smile. Part of what had attracted him to you in the first place was your wicked side. The other Stephen hadn't even realized your devilish potential, both in & out of bed, but he had. All it took was a little corrupting influence & you became quite a little hellcat. His little hellcat, his naughty kitten.

"Sounds like you might like that part of this universe too. My naughty little kitten likes being able to get fucked anywhere at any time. Especially since you are trying to get me hard rubbing against me like that. All you have to do is ask & I will happily make my pretty life wife scream in pleasure. Does my kitten want to play? Hmm? Does mommy want daddy to make her feel good?" 

His voice now getting gravely as held your belly a little firmer & pressed his hips forward into yours. The 2 of you had been practically insatiable for each other since you arrived here. You knew it was partly pregnancy hormones, but it was partly because of how special he made you feel. His devotion to you, to pleasuring you, was almost overwhelming but fuck if it didn't make you feel incredible. 

You knew he had a dark side. In the back of your mind a small voice told you that you should be afraid of him. That you should be afraid of this place. That he had probably used some unsavory methods to lure you to him like a cat to catnip. In these moments though, when he made your skin feel electric & your brain short-circuit, you really couldn't give a flying fuck. You wanted to ask him, to confront him about what tricks he pulled, but the second his lips or tongue were on your skin you got amnesia & it all felt fine again.

You hummed in agreement as you felt him starting to gather the bottom half of your dress up in his hands. The soft fabric tickled as it slid up your legs, stopping just as it crested above your knees. You knew was waiting for you to answer him. He loved hearing you beg for him to do naughty things to you, loved hearing how much you wanted & needed him.

"Yes please, daddy. Make me feel good. Show me you own me Stephen. That I'm your good little wife. Wanna make you feel good too. Use my little pussy baby. Wherever you want. Whenever you want."

"That's my good girl." He purred his praise in your ear as he finished pulling your dress up to your waist. You ass & pussy now bare to since you saw no reason to wear underwear anymore. They just slowed you down & got in the way, whether you two were getting frisky, or one of the babies decided your bladder was a trampoline. 

He started licking behind your ear before placing small kisses on the shell of it. You could hear & feel as his breathing sped up. You tilted your head to the side to grant him better access. He bit your earlobe in approval before sucking on it. Once more he ran his nimble tongue up the outer edge of your entire ear. Following every curve & divet, making a show of following your anatomy. He placed several small kisses from your temple to the tragus of your ear. Barely pulling his lips away from your flesh he whispered directly into your ear, giving you goosebumps.

"I think I should fuck you right here against this window, don't you? Not that there is anyone to watch, but imagine if there were. Imagine if they could see me fucking my pretty perfect wife. See how beautiful you look writhing on my cock. Imagine how jealous they would be. Knowing that I'm the one who put those babies in you. That I'm the only one who gets to fill you all full of my cum".

One hand rubbing circles on your pregnant belly & the other moving down to dip between your legs. Moaning against your neck when he ran his long fingers over your slit, feeling how wet & warm you were, before coming back up to tease your clit. 

Your mouth falling open & you gasped at the feeling of his delicate light touch in contrast to his harsh nipping & sucking at your neck. The hand you had on his cheek now gripping the hair at the nape of his neck. Pulling harder when he found the particular spot on your clit he knew you loved. Your other hand grabbing at your top to pull it down & expose your engorged breasts before starting to tug lightly at one nipple then the other. 

"Of course if they were to see you like that, I'd have to pluck their eyes clean from their skulls. Only I get to see my sweet wife being a dirty little slut. Isn't that right kitten? Let me hear you purr, just for me." 

He suddenly brought his hands up to the top of your dress & ripped the fabric down the middle. It took several tugs to tear all the way through the dress but he did it fairly effortlessly. You let the fabric fall from your body & turned to face him. Sliding your hands up the lapels of his robes letting his eyes rove up & down your body.

You shook your head and tutted at him, teasing him a little as you let your hands trail down to rub at the bulge growing in his robes. You kissed him lightly as you slid your hand into his pants & started stroking his cock. Quite literally purring when you felt his warm member throb under your welcome touch.

"So possessive Stephen. You should let them watch. Let them see how much I want you & only you. You know only you can satisfy me, & fill me. Only you can do this to me." 

You brought one of his hands back & placed it on your bump. Smiling as you gazed at him. The flash of a sweet smirk & pure love showing through that briefly reminded you of the other Stephen. Your heart still aching at the thought of him cheating on you with Christine. To clear the thought from your head you gripped the base of his cock tighter making him growl & the sweetness in his eyes turn back to lust. He could immediately tell where your mind had gone at the change in your touch.

"Don't think about him, my love. Just let me fuck him out of your mind. If he even dares to think about darkening our doorstep I will make him regret the day he even breathed in her direction. No one could ever compare to you. Come let me sit you up on the piano & devour that beautiful pussy. Let me make my wife, my beautiful queen & the mother of my babies, cum all over my face. Let me worship you kitten."

You moaned against his mouth as you slid your hand out of his pants & up around his neck. Letting him lead you backwards toward the grand piano before lifting you up & setting you on the very edge. You leaned back slightly & braced yourself with your hands as you watched him pull back the bench. He had left your legs hanging down over the keys so he could sit on the bench as if he was going to play a brilliant concerto. In his mind he essentially was, only he was playing it on your body not the piano. 

He flipped the bottom of his robes out of the way with an extra flourish as he eyed you. He slid his palms up your shins & put your feet to his chest, admiring every inch of flesh he touched. As his hands hit the tops of your knees you let your index finger trail over the black & purple wedding band that matched the one you wore. Sighing softly at the thought that the man about to take you apart was your husband. You looked in his eyes & mouthed a quiet "I love you Stephen."

He kissed one kneecap & then the other whispering "I love you too. My beautiful wife". He was still in somewhat disbelief that his plan to make you his had worked out so well. Sure he had to fool you into thinking that the other version of him cheated on you, hurting you in the process, but here you were. You loved him too. You really loved him. You had said it yourself, & you didn't just love 'Stephen Strange'. You loved him, & he worshiped the ground you walked on. 

His rough palms moved to slide down the inside of your legs displaying your glistening pussy for him. He placed the arches of your feet over his broad shoulders so you were spread wide for him.  He couldn't refrain from licking his lips at the sight of you. You were his favorite treat. 

He ran his hands up toward your core as he started placing open mouthed kisses on the soft flesh of your inner thighs. Slowly bringing his face closer to your cunt. Taking the time to feel each time the muscles in your legs involuntarily contracted at his touch.

Once his long fingers had settled at the crease of your hips so he could gently massage your pubic mound, he used his thumbs to stroke your flushed pussy lips up & down. Feeling your wetness continue to grow & leak from you  as he toyed with you. He groaned to himself when he stopped to pull your lips apart & open your warm pink walls to him further. 

Watching as you hole clenched at the feel of his breath on you. Your hips starting to rock back & forth as you began  to whine for more contact. He was a little conflicted at the sound of your pleas. On one hand he wanted to tease you more, & hear all the little needy sounds you would make for him. On the other hand, his cock was already so hard it was painful & he needed to taste you before he fucked you.

"Stephen, please. I need you."

With that request he flattened his tongue & licked the entirety of your pussy. From your entrance to your clit. He made sure to get as much of you with that first lick as he possibly could without looking away from your eyes. A wanton ragged moan was pulled from your chest as he punctuated that first lick with a small suck of your clit. Smiling devilishly as he pulled his mouth away. 

He stayed close enough to place light licks & gentle kisses at random on your pussy. Making sure to surprise you by occasionally swirling his tongue over your clit. Each time making you jump & whimper in pleasure.

"Is this what you want, kitten? My mouth on your pussy? She tastes so good. So sweet." 

He moaned as he took another wide long lick up your pussy before you could say anything to answer. Not that you could form words anyway. He was so very good at leaving you speechless when he did the most sinful things to your body.

He licked at you over & over leaving as much saliva on you as he could before he began sucking at your clit. Pulling his mouth away then sucking you back in. The small wet sucking pops his mouth made almost echoing off the walls & vaulted ceiling. 

"What about my fingers darling? Should I stretch your tight little hole open on them? Would you like that?" 

His index finger was already busy stroking the very bottom of your entrance. Again he wasn't planning on waiting for a response. He slid it inside you before quickly adding another to his assault. Once he could hear the wet squelching of his fingers thrusting into your cunt over the sound of his mouth on you he turned his palm upward & added a third finger. Making sure to crook them at the angle he knew would make you cum the hardest. 

By now your legs were no longer sitting on his shoulders, but held in the air as wide as you could manage while still supporting yourself with one arm. It wasn't the most comfortable position but it had him hitting all the right spots & giving him as much access to your tender cunt as possible. A huge mirror that was hung on the wall across the room capturing the debauched image of the two of you. 

As the fire in your belly started to build you grabbed his hair with both hands. You could feel his smile as he moved one arm around your waist to keep you from falling off the piano into his lap. He let you grind his face against your pussy however you wanted. His mouth moved with even more fervor the harder you pulled at his hair. He loved letting you use his mouth like this as he fingerfucked you. 

He loved letting you use him for your pleasure, so he let you set the pace. He matched the speed of his fingers to the speed you set for his mouth. Quickly letting the ball of energy build in the pit of your stomach right up to the point of boiling over. Right as he felt you about to spiral into orgasm he began shaking his head back & forth as he worked his mouth over every part of you he could reach. Sending a vibration rattling through you & pulling the last string needed to unravel you.

You came with a guttural groan that echoed through the whole Sanctum. Bucking hard against his face as he held onto you. Continuing to lick & at suck at you as you slowly came down from your high. He made sure not to waste a drop of your nectar, drinking you in like a man deprived of water. 

Once your movements had settled into shudders & whimpers he began kissing up your body as he started stripping himself of his robes. The sight of him disrobing renewing your hunger for him. 

When he reached your breasts he pulled back & began to study your chest. At some point during his play with you, your breasts had started to leak. It was far enough in your pregnancy you were starting to produce milk & the oxytocin release from your orgasm must have triggered a milk let-down.

He was hypnotized as he watched the liquid slowly trickling from your nipples. A lust heavy moan tore from him at the sight. Stopping his movements just shy of pushing down his pants. His throbbing cock had to wait a moment longer so he could enjoy your body, & it's new reflex, just a little bit more.

"Oh kitten, look at that. Look at your pretty little nipples starting to leak milk. Just when I thought you couldn't make me crave you more. Such a good mommy already." 

He slid his hands up your ribcage to the outer edges of your swollen engorged breasts. Glancing up at you to make sure you weren't too sensitive as he squeezed your breasts together & ran the pads of his thumbs over both nipples. It stimulated a few more drops to pool & drip downward. You could tell by the look on his face exactly what he wanted, & when he looked at your body with such reverence you couldn't say no to him.

"Does daddy want a taste? Does daddy want some of mommy's milk first? Daddy's the one that helped put it there after all. They're Daddy's titties too."

You brought his face up to kiss him & running your fingers through his hair, putting on your biggest doe eyes & saying those words as sweetly as possible. What he wanted was a new incredibly intimate gesture. You wanted to assure him & his desire. 

His eyes were closed & he melted into your lips. He loved that you could read his body. He practically whimpered as you asked him. You knew he secretly hid a very needy side.

You sat up further & let your hands fall down his chest to his undone pants. Passionately kissing him, letting your tongue lick at his lips as you finished pushing his pants down. Smiling as he gasped when his cock finally sprung free. You gripped him in one hand & stroked him a few times, using a firm enough grasp to let a few drops of pre-cum gather at his slit. 

You collected it on your fingers as you cooed against his lips, "Take me to bed daddy & you can have all the milk you want." You then licked & sucked the pre-cum from your fingers moaning at the taste of him. 

With a wave of a single hand you felt the soft bed materialize underneath you, propped up by several pillows, & your lover's body carefully lowered down against yours. Arching your back as you felt his long hard shaft sliding through your soaked folds.

He immediately started lapping at one nipple then the other. Cleaning up what had already leaked from you. Then he wrapped his lips around one of them & began sucking lightly, moaning when the warm liquid started to flow on his tongue. 

After a minute or two of suckling on one breast he switched to the other. Looking thoroughly drunk when he finally had his fill. He buried his face in your neck & began nipping & sucking at your ear letting you hold him close. 

"Kitten, I love you so much. Every inch of you is perfection. Your pussy was fucking made for me. The moment these babies are out of you I'm filling you up full again. Tell me how badly you need my cock kitten. Beg for my cock."

He had positioned himself at your entrance & so the head of his cock pressed right where you needed him but he didn't push into you. He added just enough pressure to tease you, but you could tell by the fact he was frantically starting to rut against you faster that he was getting desperate. So were you, & your hips started to move to meet his. Each thrust letting him start to slip into you little by little.

"Please Stephen. Fuck me, make love to me. You make me feel so good. I can't believe I ever did without you. Fuck me daddy."

He let himself slide into your fully at your plea. Both of you moaning into each other's mouths, before biting at each other's lips. Your foreheads pressed together as he started to frantically thrust into you. 

He fucked you fast but made sure he wasn't too rough with you being as far along as you were. You both watched as his long hard cock sank into your swollen pussy glistening with your arousal as he pulled out only to thrust back. Watching your pregnant body take his cock was quickly pushing him toward climax. 

"Can I cum on your beautiful breasts kitten? Please let me cum on your tits & your belly. Want to see you marked with me inside & out." 

He rambled his request against your lips. Moving down to kiss & suck on your breasts while he waited for your answer. Smiling at the whining noise you made when he flicked his tongue fast against your nipple.

"Yes daddy, however you want. Cum on my belly, my breasts, my face. Wherever you want, baby."

A few more thrusts & he pulled out. He started rubbing your clit with one hand & rapidly fucking into his other fist. Watching your face contort with pleasure from his touch as you pressed your breasts together for him. Presenting your body to him. 

"Cum for me kitten. I wanna cum on you as you cum. I know you're close. Listen to your pretty little purrs. Fuck I'm gonna cum so hard, there's gonna be so much. After I paint you you can lick it up like a good little kitten if you want."

The thought of him marking you like that made you cum hard, writhing underneath him & crying out his name. He growled as he gripped himself hard & cum started streaming from his cock. Streak after streak, stretching from your belly to your breasts. A couple ropes even spurted up to your chin & mouth. You happily licked up any that landed on your lips. 

He milked every drop from himself, letting his cock cum to rest on your swollen belly. He leaned back admiring your form as he used the hand he had used on himself to spread his seed across your chest & belly. He wished he had a camera.

"I think you like seeing me like this. Covered in my husband's cum. I like it too. I like being your little cum covered wife. I love you Stephen."

He leaned down to kiss you as you rambled in blissed out exhaustion. He marveled at how enraptured he was with his sweet dirty wife. The object of his every desire. Perfect in every way. Your eyelids were growing heavy & you were starting to drift in & out. He conjured a warm wet cloth & cleaned both of you up before tucking you under the covers with a pillow supporting your belly & him cuddled in behind you. 

"I hope you know I will do anything for you my love. I would kill, I would steal. Anything. Anything to make you happy. Anything to keep you safe my darling wife. I will take that universe for us. Let him live in this crumbling place, we deserve that world. That future. The 4 of us."

--------------------------------

Stephen sat up bolt upright in his bed. He had been dreaming of you again. Of the two of you in the throes of passion. Of his hands & lips on you. Of him inside you. He despised those dreams. 

There were no words for how much he despised those dreams, because now he had learned that they weren't just dreams. They were a look through the eyes of a variant of himself. More often than not it was the variant that had taken you from him, & he missed you so much his heart actually hurt. 

Sometimes when he woke he swore he could still taste you on his tongue & feel your legs wrapped around his waist. He could still hear the little noises you made each time he thrust into you, warm & wet, & it tore him apart all over again. Especially as he watched your pregnant belly grow bigger. Even if he wasn't the biological father, he desperately wanted to be. Wanted to raise them with you. Anger & heartbreak hitting him like a tsunami.

He picked up the glass on the nightstand next to his bed & downed its contents. It looked like water, but a quick whiff of the substance would reveal the glasses' true contents. He winced at the burn in his throat & threw the now empty glass against the wall shattering it to pieces. It made him feel better seeing the fragile crystal shattering as it hit the rich dark wood, even if it was only marginally & momentarily. 

The Cloak of Levitation came running in, if it could even be called running, at the sound to make sure its master was unharmed. It's collar dropped in sadness when it realized the reason for the crash. 

Strange buried his face in his hands, the shaking in them had gotten worse again since you had been gone. He let out a few tears & muffled sobs before sniffling & moving to get up from the bed. Shaking his head to clear the emotion visible on his face. Snapping at the sentient garment, "I'm fine."

He went to the bathroom & the dark aura that he now bore followed him as he moved. The cloak sagged at the new attitude the sorcerer carried. Even it knew that he was treading on tenuous ground at what he would do to get you back.

In the library Wanda, Wong, & America had been working non-stop trying to formulate a plan. What Stephen was unaware of was that during the daily walks she had made you take, Wanda had planted a small failsafe mechanism in your mind in the event you fell prey to the variant's manipulation.

It allowed her to mentally keep tabs on your location, even once you had moved universes. She knew exactly where you were, & whether or not you & the babies were safe. She had kept Wong in the loop since you disappeared, but until they knew how exactly to get you back they didn't want to tell Stephen & have him go on multiversal breaking rampage.

They also shared in the knowledge that one of the babies you carried did in fact belong to this Stephen. They were saving that fact for a key moment. To give him something extra to fight for. They knew the knowledge of the true origin of your pregnancy was what shattered him. They were hoping that this knowledge would help put him back together. 

They would go to the Sanctum in the universe with that sinister version of Strange, they knew that was where you would both be. It was where he would be the most powerful & in control. As Wanda worked to pull your mind free of his manipulation, Wong & Stephen would fight the variant of Strange. America's job was to get the book & destroy it. Without it his hold on you would be easier to break.

America was the one who would get them to you since she was the one who could open the multiversal portal. The question was could it be done with just the 4 of them? Bruce & Tony weren't comfortable with any of the non-magical Avengers going. So that ruled out the 2 of them, Steve, Bucky, Nat, Clint, Rhodey, & Sam. Scott wasn't sure how the multiverse would compare to the quantum realm or affect the power in the Pym particles. So that took him out too. They decided it would be too dangerous for Peter to help either.

Vision & Thor were the only 2 left who could serve as backup. Since Vision had the mind stone & was an android they figured he was safe, & he had some knowledge of the multiverse. As a god who was used to traveling by the Bifrost they figured he had a hearty enough constitution to handle it. America would only bring them if they were out of other options. 

As Stephen came storming out of his bedroom he strode right past them without casting a glance. America turned to greet him as he walked right past leaving her mouth hanging open & a hurt look in her eyes.

Wanda reached out to console her, rubbing her back with one hand & using the other to steer her back to where Wong was still standing.

"Leave him be. He dreamed of her again, I can sense it." 

Wong grimaced & hummed in agreement with Wanda before voicing the obvious. It wasn't worth a fight right now. They were close to having their plan ready. They would need him later & they should save his patience.

"The dreams seem to be what's upsetting him the most. He's always the worst in the morning."

Wanda pursed her lips together. She couldn't exactly blame Stephen. God only knows what she would do if she found herself in the same situation. She imagined the hurt & anger would be unbearable.

"If you saw the kind of dreams he's having, the things he's seeing, you wouldn't blame him. Trust me."

By the end of the day they had set the rest of their plan. It would be up to Wanda to untangle your mind, but first they had to get that ring off of you. Wong had determined that it was what had acted as a shield against her magic. What would happen to your captor would be decided by his own actions. Now they had to rally Stephen. 

They found him where he practically lived now, in the library. Going book by book, he was leaving no page unturned. No spell unconsidered. Even the ones he knew he was treading dangerously to entertain. Every painful dream of his other self's hands on you & cock inside you driving him closer to using them. 

He rounded a corner & found the 3 of them waiting for him around a table covered in books & empty bottles. 

"What? I'm busy."

"We have a plan & we need you." Wanda made an appeal to his emotion. "She needs you, & they need you." 

"In case you forgot, they aren't mine." His eyes flashed in hurt & anger. His voice caught in his throat as he spoke. 

It was Wong's turn to take over the conversation. That way if Stephen started yelling it was at him, not America or Wanda. Especially now that they had to tell him the part that would really hurt.

"Strange, we learned something else, we were wrong. One of the babies is his, but one of them is yours. That's why they were growing unevenly. Only one of them was, is, being aided by his dark magic."

"What? You're lying. She said… that's not what she told me, when she… when he took her." 

He wasn't so much accusing Wong of lying so much as praying that you were. If one of the babies was his then that meant maybe he could still get to you, maybe he could still get you to come home willingly. It would mean he still had a tether to you. You still had a tether to this universe. It would be much easier for them to undo whatever he did.

"We think, we're pretty sure, she just said that to hurt you. Whatever thoughts he has been planting in her head to get her to leave willingly, he was also trying to turn her against you. To break her trust in you. It would only make sense she would lash out if he made her believe… that." 

Wong knew better than to mention the thing you accused him of, what you were sure he had done. He & Wanda had come in just to hear you scream at him that he had slept with Christine in your shared bed. They both knew he hadn't & he never would, but you were under the influence of dark magic. 

Stephen began pacing back & forth as he ran his hands down his face. He felt half hysterical. He didn't know what emotion to feel. If he got you back he would have loved the babies even if they weren't really his, but the idea that he was really the biological father of at least one of them lit a new fire in him. One way or another he had to get you back here. 

"Stephen? Are you okay?" America questioned unable to read his expression.

Using his magic he pulled 4 chairs out from the table.

"What's the plan?"

--------------------------------

He purposely had America drop him somewhere in the city well away from the Sanctum. If the other Strange saw the portal it would give away any element of surprise they may have had. He would find his way there & try to reason with the variant. They all knew there was little hope in that, but it would be the best way to ensure your safety. They would wait until Stephen called for them to join, keeping an eye on his success from their universe. Using Wanda's powers to channel his in order to keep a visual & mental line of communication open to him.

He entered the building without any trouble & made his way up the staircase. Hearing his footsteps echo he knew his presence had now been detected, but his variant made no attempt to slow or stop him. He made his way to the center of the room to stand in front of the large window bearing the seal of Vishanti. Turning in a circle he surveyed the room, watching for any hint of a moving shadow or glow of magic. If he got lucky maybe you would find him or he could find you without interference. 

"Well well, hello Stephen." A voice boomed through the hall & encased the entire room around him. Purposely attempting to startle him with the volume.

He rolled his eyes as his variant strode forward from the shadows & leaned against a pillar with his hands casually held behind his back. Of course he found himself before he found you. His own ego now on display to him through his doppelganger.

"Did you come looking for something? I don't think there's anything of yours here. I think everything here has pretty thoroughly been marked as mine. Speaking of, any interesting dreams lately?"

A taunting grin playing on his lips. He knew that your former Stephen had been an unwilling voyeur to some of your naughty escapades since arriving. If he had the ability the sinister Strange would have ensured that Stephen had to watch every single one the way he had watched every time your former lover touched you when he couldn't. It would only be fair to make him watch. 

Maybe if your former lover begged nice enough, he would let him watch you both in person before he killed him. Now that you belonged to the man who truly deserved you. 

"What is he doing here?" 

You emerged from the shadows of the adjacent room. Your melodic voice pierced through the thoughts of both men & they immediately turned to look at you. The two pairs of matching icy blue eyes moving over your body with two very different emotions.

Stephen's eyes immediately clouded with tears when he saw you. You looked like a poison flower, beautiful but deadly. Your skin less flushed & vibrant, the inky black dress you wore made the contrast even more sharp. Your whole aura had shifted to a deep smokey purple that matched the magic Sinister Strange used. You were without a doubt under some sort of magical hold. 

"What did he do to you? Are you okay? Are they okay?" 

His voice cracked slightly as he reached his hand out as if to touch you. His gaze pleading for you to answer him.

You placed your hands over your pregnant belly assuming a protective posture as Stephen took a step toward you. The ring on your finger was glittering & glowing seemingly to tease him. 

His dark copy cast a snide laugh as he strode up behind you & placed an open mouthed kiss on your neck. Making the gesture as lewd as he possibly could. Leaving his eyes on Stephen as he placed his left hand over yours on your stomach to show off his matching wedding band. 

"Oh come now Strange. I know that you know what I've been doing to her, & how much she has been enjoying it."

He trailed his right hand up your arm & teasingly across your breast to tilt your jaw so could nip at your ear. Enjoying every second he could of getting to play with his stolen toy in front of the other man.

You snapped a quick, "I'm fine. We're fine." Hoping it would move the conversation forward.  Tilting your chin down to glance at your belly, pursing your lips to keep your emotions in check.

Your patience with their pissing match was already running thin. You still loved the man across from you. He may have broken your heart but you didn't want to watch him physically suffer. The longer he stayed the more danger he was in. You knew that as well as he did.

Stephen's lips curled up slightly when he immediately you were referring you yourself & the babies. Not the other version of him. He swallowed hard & nodded in acknowledgment of your response. He decided to take a chance & address you again.

"I don't know what he showed you, but I would never cheat on you. Please believe me. Please just come with me & we'll figure everything out. I know one of the babies is really mine. Even if you never forgive me, none of you are safe here with him." 

"Stephen, stop! I've made my decision. The other baby is his regardless. I'm not going with you." Your right hand clasped the bicep of the man whose arm was wrapped around you, trying to feel as steady of yourself as you sounded.

"Why don't you go run home to your little Christine, Doctor. While you still can." Your husband gritted the threat through his teeth & pulled you tighter to his chest Turning his gaze down to you he started to paw at your neck & chest again. 

"We have much more… stimulating things to do, isn't that right kitten?"

Your former lover huffed in irritation at him, turning his attention back to his copy.

"Let's ignore the fact that you have her under some form of control, but you know that you can't keep her here. This universe has suffered an incursion already, bringing her from another universe is risking the collapse of both universes. If you love her & your child, both children, like you say you do you'll let her leave."

Sinister Strange was starting to get beyond irritated with him. He had given him a chance to leave unscathed, for the time being anyway, but he chose to stay & continue to run his mouth. He shouldn't be surprised, it's exactly what he would have done.

"Well before you manage to harass & upset my lovely little wife even more, shall we get this over with? Or would you & your friends like to put up a fight first? Makes no difference by me, as I planned on taking your Sanctum from their cold dead hands after I finished with you anyway. Of course you could just give it to us willingly. Call it a wedding present perhaps?" 

That was the moment a blue star opened behind Stephen. Wong, Wanda, & America stepped through to stand behind. Wong immediately put up his shields as Wanda & America moved to flank the 2 men but neither took a defensive stance.

Sinister Strange kissed the back of your hand & moved his hands away from you before starting to slowly walk toward them. You instinctively backed up to the wall & started stepping toward the corner. Your hands cradling your belly even tighter. You knew his magic was protecting you somehow, but you didn't know to what extent or for how long if he was fighting both Wong & your other Stephen.

You made eye contact with Wanda & she made clear she was heading to help shield you from any stray bursts of magic. Your gaze told her not to press her luck & anger the dark sorcerer instead by doing anything stupid like trying to take you. You could see her grudgingly agree by holding her hands up by her face. As long as her crimson colored magic didn't appear she wouldn't warrant any magical retaliation for now. America slowly began approaching you from the other direction, the evil variants gaze boring into her a warning that would only let one of them within arms reach of you without intervention.

Once she had made it within running distance of you Stephen finally answered. He glanced back at Wong who made eye contact with him signalling that they were all ready. It was now or never.

"Looks like the Sorcerer Supreme isn't gonna go for that idea." 

A purple ball of energy materialized between Sinister Strange's hands as he grinned menacingly at the 2 men. He chuckled darkly to himself.

"Yeah, didn't think so." 

--------------------------------

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Stephen Strange Taglist: @starkiller-queen @glitterylokislut @verycollectivecreator @chatampr @maskmare931 @lovecleastrange @wheredafandomat @mkixx @evelynrosestuff @katefullerrr @littlepinknightmare @foofarny @stygianoir @moonroyalt @saturnsbabe69 @blaxdet @blackrose-92 @ironstrange1991 @rindulacre @nancy-thompsons @sandyloveskeanu @dangerouslittlefairy @n0obmaster-69 @oliveoilthoughts @onebatch--twobatch @yourmajesty13 @blondekel77 @lil-sweater-slut @gwephen @taramaria @sinceimetyou @possessedjoker @coeurgrenaty @cc13723things @just--a-magpie @supervengerslock @strangelockd @kingsmanperfecthartwin @ghost-lantern @thefalconandthewinterwidowshield @itssmaugtheterrible @katherinemaximoff @veryfancydoilies @cute-angi @mochacake2016 @prix19 @alexfanficnook @anotheroddfish @sherlux @mando-is-the-way @hiddlechive @ppatricia34me @rougepetale @baes-x @vereon-primary @dont-feel-so-good-peter

Let me know if you want to be tagged in stories for everything or for a specific charector. It's currently a lot of Strange & Bucky. ❤

#stephen strange #doctor strange #doctor strange smut #stephen strange x reader #doctor strange x reader #stephen strange smut #stephen strange x you #doctor strange x you #dr. stephen strange #sinister strange smut #sinister strange x you #sinister strange x reader #sinister strange #doctor strange in the multiverse of madness #strange multiverse #marvel multiverse #multiverse of madness #dr strange x you #dr strange #dr strange x reader #doctor strange fanfiction #doctor stephen strange #dark!stephen strange x reader #dark!strange #dark!stephen strange #dark! stephen strange #dark!strange x reader #dr strange smut #dark stephen strange #dark doctor strange

[ghostoffuturespast]

Word Search Tag

Getting these off my desk before they pile up again. Thank you so much for the tags! <3

Pulling from the manuscript So It Goes.

From the lovely @therealnightcity - Read their writing here

Neon - Ch. 5 No Save Point

The regalia of neon signs and billboards was blinding as the two emerged from the dark side street onto the thoroughfare. The avenue was a long row of crowded clubs and bars. People milled about and others wove their way down the street, the smell of nicotine and alcohol hung heavily in the air, along with the smell of several other illegal substances. The two mercs casually made their way down the street and arrived at Dicky Twisters. It was hard to miss. There was a giant flashing neon penis on the roof and it was very happy to see everyone.

Knife - Ch. 17 Control

V slept when the pain would let her and woke when the nightmares wouldn’t. Some of them were her own and others were Johnny’s, the nightmarish hounds of war stalking them both. Her head felt slow and dull in her waking hours, lost amidst the incoherent fog of her brain. She felt scattered. And she felt. Fangs and claws pierced into her, wanting her for all she had, for what little was left. V missed the razor sharp focus when the neuro stims held her mind at ransom, when the knife dug in and her fear evaporated. It kept her from wandering into the dark, the black of the void. Into the gentle all consuming maw of the abyss.

Choom - Ch. 12 No Glory In The West

V sighed. “Just when I was starting to enjoy the peace and quiet. Surprised you didn’t gatecrash.” Johnny stood up, the look through his aviators blank. “Not that kind of asshole. Besides, not big on funerals and always was shitty at goodbyes. He was your best choom and I think you needed to say it. Say farewell.” She felt a pang of something that wasn’t hers. Regret? “It was good you went… Maybe now you can finally pull your head out of your ass.” He finished. And there it went.

Hope - Ch. 18 Friday Night Fire Fights

River noticed the ceramic plating covering both her palms and extending up to the pads of her fingertips as she collected her things. He groaned involuntarily as he got out of the booth, his legs finally free from their prison. River walked outside into the parking lot, V following behind him, and shrugged the collar of his coat up against the cold. It was raining steadily now, and the precipitation had washed away the smell of ozone and smog, leaving cold crisp air in it's wake. River unlocked his truck and the two of them climbed in. He relished the memorized comfort of the driver’s seat and the leg room as he looked over at V from the corner of his eye. She was clutching her coffee in one hand and her helmet in another, almost curled in on herself. River turned the ignition over in the truck. “I really hope you’re not planning on driving off.” V sniffed, a look of warning in her eyes. River reached for the temperature control dial and cranked the heat up. “Actually, was just gonna say, you look a little cold.” V blinked at him before relaxing slightly. “Oh.” She looked away and sipped more of her coffee, attempting to warm herself up.

Relic - Ch. 20 Cold Cold Cold

“Fuck!” V screamed, doubling over as the relic malfunction hit full force. She collapsed to the floor as her vision flooded into a sea of pixels. “V?!” River yelled, startled. Beemer took advantage of the confusion and lashed out at River, kicking him hard in the shin and kneeing him in the groin. River growled in pain and dropped Beemer. Now free, Beemer made a dive for V and the gun she was still clutching. A hand seized her hair and snapped her head back, she snarled, scrabbling back upright onto her knees. V could barely see and getting her body to obey through the pain was fucking agony. She held fast though, refusing to let Beemer drag her any farther back. Her feet were underneath her. He had been kind enough to give her her balance back. She stretched her arm out as far as it would go as Beemer attempted to grapple the gun from her. Letting go, she blindly tossed the pistol away, it thunked against the floor as it landed an unknown distance away from her.

From the fantastic @fly-amanitaa - Read their work here

Hands Ch. 20 Cold Cold Cold (I don't even want to know how many times I use the word hands...)

River finally broke it off and V panted, breathless. She caught his eye. The usual warm brown was replaced with something molten, hungry, but he didn’t linger very long. River shifted forward, his hands sliding off of V to rest on the desk, either side of her hips. She shivered as his hands moved, and when they abandoned her. V leaned forward to lightly bury her face into the collar of his coat, letting his scent wash over her. If she angled her head to the left, she’d be level with his jaw. V imagined running her lips, her tongue along that jaw. Down his throat. Elsewhere. River’s attention went to the Tyger with the katana. “What does it look like we’re doing? You mind?” His voice was husky next to her ear. It made the flush that had crept over V’s face darker. “Me and the lady are a little busy here.” V glanced back at the Tygers over her shoulder, she was still hanging off River’s neck with one arm. The gold skirt of her dress bunched up around her hips, River standing in between her splayed legs. A notification in her optics told her the upload had finished. “Got it.” V whispered in River’s ear.

Beautiful Ch. 33 Wolf

Night had descended fully, darkness bending around the lights scattered around the trailer park while moths butted into them. The desert air hung cool and still while warmth emanated up from packed earth. River glanced around the haphazard alleys made by the trailers, listened to the calm that had settled in after a hectic afternoon. His eyes wandered over her, standing there, finding her in the moment. Finding the ways the sparse light cast shadows on her skin, how her clothes both accentuated and buried her body, how the scars told of pain and perseverance. Someone so imperfectly beautiful. Her eyes turned up to him, brown catching amber.

Agitated - Ch. 34 RAM RAID

Elizabeth sat huddled on the sofa, smoke wafting away from her. She rubbed her temples as she took another agitated drag, staring forlorn at the empty decorative bowl squatting on the coffee table. There was a snubbed filter already sitting in the ashtray in front of her. River started with something easy. Obvious. “Elizabeth, you never noticed anything out of the ordinary before with SSI? Any suspicious behavior?” She brought the cigarette up to her lips, eyes flicking away along with the ash she dusted off. “No… What else did you manage to find?”

Blurred - Ch. 37 The Denial Twist

The steady plink of water dripped over the hum of machinery in the ill-lit basement clinic. That faucet forever broken. Never to be fixed. The lone operating light blinded overhead, washing out the background and overexposing everything it touched. Blurred the photo. The memory of the moment. Sickening shades of yellow-green and violet darted across her skin underneath the black ink of her tattoos and the raised flesh of a thousand scars.

Drunk - Ch. 8 Tatted On My Face

Jackie was taking up the couch, gently snoring and sleeping off his pain meds. Misty had her socked feet curled up underneath her and looked perfectly cozy in her fluffy cardigan. V had changed out of her club clothes, bare foot in a baggy t-shirt and athletic shorts, and was currently stuffing as much biryani as she could get onto a spoon into her mouth. She was hungry and desperately needed the food to soak up the two gimlets, flute of champagne, and three shots of tequila she'd drunk earlier.

I love doing these but not tagging anyone today. Next round...

#you know what's sad #when your fan fic starts eating you #it's faster for me to search a pdf of my fic i downloaded off ao3 than use any of the word processors i'm using to search for stuff #shit lags so bad now #send help #i'm cringing reading some of this though got a lot of clean up work lol #cyberpunk 2077 #writing #fan fiction #otp: so it goes #oc: valerie hye jin li #river ward #my grandpa v #stinky not fresh #v x river ward

[nicistrying]

I know people are busy and tired right but.. I'm getting annoyed that lately literally everyone I message is just leaving me on read or completely ignoring me. Sent my sister the cctv footage of a full pallet of stock collapsing outside in the rain the other day on my shift just as a dumb thing to make her laugh, no answer. Sent the same footage to my wagon driver, saying this is why he should be here every day (the depot keep sending him on other routes so our deliveries are totally fucked up atm), left on read. To be fair I saw him today and he brought it up laughing. He's in his fifties and is driving for 10 hours of the day so I'll forgive him for not being overly sociable over text lol. Messaged my old manager 2 days ago to say congrats on 6 months sober and I'll be over to give him his sobriety coin as soon as I can. Not even opened. Text my sister in law asking how their holiday was. Left on read. Have messaged my best friend twice thinking she'll be up for a catch up on my day off on Monday bc she's posting all over how happy she is to be in her third trimester and I want to give her all the stuff I've bought for her and the baby, messages unopened (again, I get it she has huuuge life things going on, but is it so hard to say yes we can meet up or no we can't if you're really too busy?) Like... am I that annoying? Am I that much of a burden on everyone I know? Is it so terrible to hear from me? I know this is a dumb way to think about it and so selfish and narcissistic, everyone has their own stuff going on and there have been plenty of times I haven't had the energy to reply to messages for a few days. But it does make me feel like everyone hates me bc literally no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't think I'm an awful, annoying person, but maybe I am? Idk. I know this is just my own insecurities talking and again I need to be more empathetic towards these people who I love very much. But it's v hard to convince myself when I open whatsapp and it's just all blue ticks lol. Anyway. Back to work for the last 3 hours 🫠 I can do it 🥹🥹

#personal #anxiety #i know i'm an awful person for getting annoyed by it #trying v hard to be understanding and separate my self worth from whether or not people have opened and replied to a message on their phone #it's just difficult

[nclgsticore]

Why?

Helena Bonham Carter x Fem!Reader

Credit to GIF owner. GIF is not mine &lt;3

Main Masterlist

Warning: Sad, Hostmother!Helena, Teen!Reader, angst in the beginning, fluff at the end, host sibling hates reader

Y/n's POV

I had a pretty bad day today and I forgot to tell Billy that I'm late today so he was mad at me. I never meant to make him mad since we've been living together for a year already. Since the day where I joined the student exchange programme, he has been rough towards me. The same goes for Nell. They think I'm going to take Helena's attention and love from them.

Well, can't I? I don't even have a mother. My mom left me with my grandmother...

I look at the dark street in front of me, sighing heavily as my legs felt numb from walking. I don't want to order an Uber. I just don't like it so I decided to walk even though Helena's place is around an hour from where I'm studying by walking.

The watch on my wrist shows 10:25 PM, and I knew what was coming for me when I reach home. Probably Helena's gonna be mad because I'm the child that she's supposed to take care but now I'm wandering on the road alone. I saw a bus stop right in front of me and the sky's starting to rain after I sat on the bench and I waited for the rain to stop because I know, no one will be here to help.

Helena's POV

I look at both my children, Nell and Billy repeatedly with anger raging in myself.

"Why the hell didn't you just tell me that she'll be late?! Look at the time, Billy! It's almost 10:30! What if something bad happen to her?! She's fucking 19 years old, Billy! Why?!" I can't control how mad am I right now at my own children. My heart broke when a few months ago when I ask Y/n when can I meet her parents and she told me that her parents left her when she was just a baby.

"You wanna know something, Billy? Nell?" They looked up, scared of me and nodded one time.

"Both of you are lucky to have me and Tim, still alive and giving both of you all the joy and wealth in life. Be grateful you still have the person that you call Mom and Dad everyday because Y/n never receive any of that for the rest of her life." Billy looked confused and Nell starts tearing up, but I'm still standing in front of them, talking.

"Her parents left. Abandoned. Left her with her grandmother. She never call anyone her mother of her father. Unlike both of you. When she called me as her mother, both of you scolded her! Why did you turned out like this? Didn't I taught both of you to accept people how you accept me? How I accept both of you in my life, making myself a mother at the age of 37 and 41? Why?! Where did I raise you wrongly that you became an inconsiderate person like this, Billy? Nell? Where?!" They were speechless. I feel like my insides are twisting, my mind went miserable about where to look for Y/n. She haven't been picking up my calls and it's raining outside.

"We should call her-"

"Her phone is always on silent. Silent or airplane mode. She won't notice it." I cut Nell's monologue, feeling my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach, as my terror kicks in about this precious girl that's lost outside in the dark world.

"I'm going to go and look for her. Both of you, stay in your room and think about your mistakes. If I can't find her by tonight, I'll make sure the both of you have the same fate as her." I walked towards the hanging post, slipping the coat on my body and ran upstairs into my room, searching for my shirt, cardigan and a dry towel before getting back down, grabbing a few cookies with me before taking my keys, wallet and my phone with me out of the house.

'Dear god, please keep my little Y/n safe dear lord. Honey, please stay safe for me my dear.'

I got into the car, started the engine and my car drifts down the road with my eyes focusing on the pavement, searching for that girl that I'm sure she wore a violet sweatshirt, black pants and she was wearing her cap this morning before she went for class.

'Where are you, baby? Please...'

The rain is getting heavier from each second, and I'm getting worried. Where is she? Y/n... Where are you... Please come home, honey... Mommy's waiting for you baby... Please...

After around 30 minutes of driving, I think I saw a figure that looked just like her sitting at the bus stop, leaning against the pole and she looked like she's going to fall asleep anytime. I stopped my car right in front of the bus stop, taking the umbrella at the backseat and I opened my door, and opened the while walking towards where the girl is and yes.

It's Y/n. All pale. Oh god...

"Y/n... Baby please wake up..." I shake her cold body and when she opened her eyes, she looked confused and she stood up immediately, apologised straight away.

"I-I'm sorry, Helena! I-It was r-raining and I sat here, t-to wait the rain to s-stop before continue w-walking back t-to your house." She was shaking. Oh my dear...

"Honey, y-you're freezing. Let's go home. We need to get you warm or you'll get sick." She chuckled. Wait. She did what?

"What's wrong if I'm sick? As if people will care, Miss Bonham Carter. No one cared. Why did you come and searched for me? Why are you not at home, cuddling with you son and daughter? They needed you more." She started walking away after wearing her backpack into the heavy rain and I pulled her back under the roof.

"Are you crazy?! It's bloody raining! We're going home, get you warm and-"

"It's okay. You're not my mother after all. Because I will always hear Billy say, 'Go and ask your mom to hug you instead!' to me whenever I need someone. But you know what? I have a form for you to sign as soon as we got to your home."

Oh no. Don't say that form. The form to change her foster family or worse, to stop the programme she's doing right now.

"Y/n please. I won't sign them."

"Okay. Then I'll make sure you won't see my face anymore after this." Is she for real-

"Honey, listen to me. I would love to be your mom. Please... Don't leave. If Billy and Nell hated you that much, and you think I don't want you here, please. Rye loves you so much. Rye loves you more than he loves Billy and Nell. Please honey... He cared about you..." It's true. Rye always talk about Y/n as the both of them loves writing so much.

She's still hesitating to trust me and I took my phone out and dialled Rye's number. After a few seconds, he picked the call up.

"Yes, Hellie?" Y/n looked shocked from what I'm doing right now.

"Honey, can you come to the bus stop in front of the park that we always bring Lottie and Pablo to?"

"Is Y/n there?"

"Yes."

"Uuu... I can bring the book she asked me to get her last week. She's gonna love it! I got the author to sign the book too!"

"Sure, darling. See you here." I hung up and the rain stopped as soon as Y/n sat back down in front of me.

"See? We love you, honey. Please, don't ask me to do something that'll send you away from me, sweetheart." I walked closer to her, dropping the umbrella aside and I pulled her into my arms, feeling like I'm hugging a corpse because she's freezing.

"I love you so much honey... Don't ever think I will get rid of you my darling." I looked into her eyes and this is the first time I look into her eyes this deep, and I'm drowned in her brown orbs eyes, feeling the rage to keep her as my daughter is so strong.

We turned around as we saw Rye's car behind mine and he got out of the car, asking us.

"What happened? Why are you- What?" He walked up to us and I looked at Rye, whispered,

"Can you get the towel in my car? She's freezing." He nodded before getting the towel and handed it to me and I wrapped it around Y/n and helped her up.

"Let's go to the coffee shop, don't we? We can talk more there." Y/n and Rye nodded. We got into our car and drove to the nearest coffee shop and I asked Rye to go in first.

I sat facing Y/n and looked around, handing her the shirt and cardigan.

"Change your top, honey. Get into the back seat." She nodded softly and got to the back seat and changed into the clothes I brought with me just now.

"I'm done..."

"Okay. Let's go honey. Rye's waiting for us." We got out of the car and before I could walk, she tugged onto my shirt and I look at her.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"Can I call you Mommy, now?" My heart melted as she said that. I cupped her face, kissing her forehead and whispered,

"Of course baby. You can call me Mommy forever, my darling."

#helena bonham carter #helena #helena bonham carter angst #angst #sad #fluff #fanfiction #hbc #mommy helena #mama hbc

[homesweetgoodneighbor]

I woke up at like 3 am (because me sleep is now back to that schedule again), but at around 6, I went outside to drop down the mosquito net. See, I used my trusty staple gun and put up panels, like curtain, os mosquito net on the porch, but had them tied back. It's a nice effect but it is also meant to be functional, and I new it was going to be cooler today with some rain and wanted to sit out and enjoy it while we still could. Summer is fast approaching and I practically hibernate then.

Color me surprised a full ass storm was moving in.

I dropped the netting, brought out the camping chairs and a foldable table. About that time my boo woke up and I was all "Babe! Babe, babe....there's a storm coming and I'm gonna sit outside on the porch, wanna come?"

He joined me a few minutes later. We sat there listening to early birdsong punctuated by thunder. Then the storm rolled in and it was...GLORIOUS. Nice and cool and comfy with my curtain and strip lights set to a nice gold while rain poured and thunder boomed and rumbled. We stayed that way for HOURS. He left once to go get us breakfast from the nearby donut place and we just sat out chilling and listening to the storm and watching the lightning. Maybe three cars passed down the street, but otherwise, it was like we were the only ones awake.

One or two mosquitos had been trapped in with us, but other than that and some crane flies (non-biting, non-stinging) who love to bop around on our porch, we were unmolested.

I am so happy this set up is working! It was the cheap option I could think of until we could figure out how to screen in the porch so our cats can sit out with us, too. (This will also keep out flies.) I will leave the panels down and just tie back the ones that cover the front entrance for deliveries.

Bonus: It also prevented any of that misting splash you get from the rain. (We have a very deep porch.)

I now know why my grandma and grandpa insisted on a huge porch on their place.

.

.

Bloody hell. The rain stopped at nearly 11 am and fucking hell it's like everyone came out at once. Cars, people, fucking firetrucks passing on the busier road...Can I rewind back to a few hours ago? Ha!

[yikesforever]

So Savannah refuses to do this because she will feel bad. I understand it's the people pleaser in her or the stupid rules of nts she has learned. However we had friends stay with us for 6 months. And we haven't seen them since they moved out 4 months ago. Now you might be asking yourself melon but why?? Oh I'll tell yeah. So they have 5 cats and 4 dogs. All 5 cats stayed in the bedroom and had ONE litterbox they all shared. Which as far as I could tell it only got cleaned once a week. So that room smelled like cats for atleast 3 months with daily incense, open windows and diffuser in the room. They were always using our kitchen stuff which is difficult cause we already have to make two deals due to my dietary restrictions. He ruined one of our most used pans cause men don't give a shit about things. And he offered to cook for us on a grill that didn't have a cover... no thanks I saw roaches ALL OVER that thing. They're dogs ruined atleast 3 of our dog beds and almost ruined 2 rugs of ours (we were able to save them after months of sitting outside to get rained on and dried). When they moved out they "cleaned" with a vacuum/mop comb and all 9 animals in the room. Also didn't move a single piece of the furniture. Somehow they were always ALWAYS buying themselves new things whether it was a giant cat tower or a fucking entertainment system .... Like sorry should we have been charging you more rent??? We found food trash in their room after she "cleaned" and spoiled milk in our fridge when they were gone. The husband was homophobic but in that "cute southern man" way.... Which frankly I didn't think was cute at all. I lived with a man™️ and God did that one get on my fucking nerves. He was like "but a trans girl will trick you into being gay" NO THEY WONT. "a trans girl shouldn't be in sports" MEN ARENT THAT MUCH MORE ATHLETIC THAN WOMEN. I don't give a flying fuck if it's "science" cause frankly it was probably a rich white straight man that hypothesized and then cooked the results so he is right. So maybe if they come back they need some rules or some teaching on how to clean and respect a house. Because also all the trash and dishes in the kitchen were subsequently ours as well. Like we were supposed to be their parents cause we owned the 🏠. Fucking no you can help out once a while. Other than letting out the dogs ONCE during the 8 hours we were gone. No wonder your dogs were always peeing on all our shit. And there was cat litter on the mattress UNDER THE MATTRESS PROTECTOR. Like ..... WHAT THE FUCK. we gave them everything we had just to not respect us. So no I don't want you to come back to our house yet. Unless we can set up some fucking ground rules. Also I don't even want to go to their cause I'm sure it's gross as hell. Anyway that was my rant on why they still aren't invited. "but it's too late to tell them". I'll fucking write her a letter and mail I don't care cause I'm stilled pissed about the way we and our fucking home was treated. And so the reason none of this ever got said is because my partner is so so so nonconfrontational that'd shed rather hold in all the anger and pain to "stay friends". I never said we had to have a friend breakup I just wanted them to know they were dicks to us. Cause now everytime we have a thunderstorm warning we get a "hey can we and all our dogs and cats come stay at your house". And I'll look up the weather and find either typical storms for Florida ..... Or literally nothing. Like your not a weather person and your getting your info from the most dramatic news source. I know because I looked at 4 different weather channels. I know so crazy looking up other information to confirm or deny a theory.

#mel thinks #i needed to rant #friend rant #friend vent #bad housemate #roommate nightmare #ADULT ROOMMATES AT THE VERY LEAST #Friendship troubles

[now-we-say-c0ral]

December 10, 2023

Woke up at 9:10am today. I wish I could have woken up at around 11am but here we are. Eddie was downstairs because he wakes up early and he knows I do not want to be disturbed on my off days so he goes down.

I got up around 11am and took a shower to get ready to go the gym. It was raining and I was still so physically drained so I just decided to take the bus. At the stop, there was a homeless man who asked me for spare change and I told him that I didn't have any. He went off and told me to have a good day but came back and asked if I could treat him to a burger on the corner. I obliged and said yes. He told me his name was Gordon and that he was hungry. I got him around 23GBP worth of food and he told me his sincerest thanks and to have a merry Christmas. I really have a soft spot for homeless people. It's cold outside and he literally has no home. I have the means to make his day a bit better so why couldn't I, right? I'll always try to help people as best I could. I told this to Ed and he smirked and said that I'm way too kind. I don't care if it seems like that it's a weakness. I think it's one of my greatest assets.

Went to Canning Town and shopped for some mussels and shrimp for tonight's dinner and went to the gym and did chest, arms, abs, and some cardio. Talked to mommy and Aira as well while I was on the treadmill. I now weigh 60.5kg from 64kg two weeks ago and I'm happy about that. I'll start to see my abs when I weigh 58kg. I think that's the optimum weight that I should be in. I can't wait for that. It's been so exhausting eating less and not eating after 4pm and exercising after busy shifts but it's paying off now.

Went home and saw that my Airpods Pro has been delivered and I'm happy about that. Now I have options on what Airpods I want to wear depending on the occasion and weather. If it's too cold I'll use my Max like an earmuff but if it's not too cold I'll use my regular Pro. Cooked some shrimp and mussels and prepared my lunch as well for tomorrow. Keeping up with my blog now and I'm playing Pokemon Unite to cap off the night. 4-day working week starts tomorrow. I hope I can carry myself through it.

December 9, 2023

THIS DAY WAS EXTRA HARD TO WAKE UP. The weather's tyoo perfect to sleep in plus my body is SO FUCKING SORE that if I had the option to cancel my shift I would but it would be hard to find someone to replace me since I was booked in an IPP list. To make matters worse there was a broken down train right in front of us and we had to wait 30 mins in Canary Wharf while they sorted out the problem. I got to work around 8:30am and they were already doing the first OGD. We had three lap cases after and mine was converted to an open one and we did it bilaterally. There were a lot of adhesions so we took 3 hours for my shift to finish.

We finished the shift at 4:30p and I waited for Ed to get to Brunswick because we planned to get some seafood boil from Pelican State. It was so good but the crab from back home is still superior compared to the snow crab that they served us. We also got some smoothies and milk teas from the nearby shops. We walked to Bershka in Oxford Street but couldn't find the shirt that I wanted to wear to the party this coming Friday with the baby girls so I just ordered them online when we got home.

My legs were so sore that any touch from Eddie would have instantly made me writhing in discomfort. I hope that my legs get better tomorrow because I have to go to the gym.

December 8, 2023

I'm on a late today. Sucks that I have to go home at 8pm but I finally have an excuse not to go to the Christmas party of Main Theatres. My friends aren't going anyway so it wouldn't be much fun for me to go.

I was assigned in Th10 with Marta, Tony and my baby girl Nicole. It was such a fun shift. We only had 1 case and Marta scrubbed from 10am-4:30pm doing a Craniotomy for Hemipherostomy. She was really good. Niki and I talked a lot about Ed and Merch and how they both are so similar and we and Niki just click about how we react to both of our boyfriends. We were busy gossiping and working until she was asked to scrub in because Marta and the consultants had to take a break because the case was taking too long. Niki was such a graceful scrub nurse. I want to be like her.

The case ended at around 8pm to which I still went to the gym. My body was so sore buy I still pushed through. Yesterday was so tough for me and it'll be worse tomorrow. I just know it. I did back, abs, and some cardio and got home at around 9:30pm. Ed cooked my meal for tomorrow. He remembered that I was on an IPP list. Bless this man. It was such a stressful day and my quads are killing me. Last day for this week tomorrow. I have to push through for the extra pay.

December 7, 2023

I was late yet again today. What's new really? I was assigned in Th9 with tony, Chichi and Ate Mel. We only had two cases today and the first one was just a lumbar tap which we didn't even need to scrub for. The second one was just a bilateral Ommaya reservoir insertion which I did. I'm doing better with these shunts but I really want to be able to backscrub and scrub for a craniotomy. Looking at it as a circulator it looks easy but you never really know until you are in the sterile field and scrub for it on your own. That will be my goal for the next week.

After the case finished, I stocked up, cleaned the theatre, and got the sets for next week and asked Kathy and Mark if I could go home early which their reply was yes. I just ate my lunch and left at around 3pm. I went to the gym and did legs heavily and some triceps. I finished off with a good stretching because I know for a fact that I will be having some issues with pain the next day. I bought some cookies to take home to Ed and got home around 7pm. Today was a tiring day.

[a-shared-experience]

Not everyone appreciates Taurus energy and that’s fine because we honestly don’t care. We are prone to pop the fuck off but I value this quality in myself. In the morning we do a wellness check on an older guy sleeping in a bus shelter. He’s just hiding out from the rain and trying his best to survive. We talk housing and I try to find loopholes in the system because he’s recently had major surgery and is forced into this constant game of cat and mouse with enforcement at all levels. I can see his pain though he tries to hide it. We raise men to act tough and rarely teach them how to ask for help. He tells me he’s heading to the McDonald’s across the street to warm up and I walk with him because I’ve had 5 hours sleep in 3 days and haven’t had the brain power to buy groceries. I’m actually starving and hadn’t realized it, I check into my self and feel dizzy, sore and weak. I exist outside of my body in a ball of flighty energy. On some conscious plane of existence I know I’m dissociating from sexual trauma after multiple run ins with the inner city sex offender.

The gentleman from the bus stop orders his breakfast, thanks us for our kindness and wishes us ladies a lovely day. We smile at him and sit down at a nearby table with our own food. He’s not even finished his breakfast sandwich when I hear a middle aged man say, “ over there, there’s three of them” in a sort of disgusted way.

A young guy decked out in a security uniform approaches the table and picks up his tray and tells him to move along. No one is saying anything so i guess it’s gonna be me.

“ excuse me, don’t touch his tray or his food he’s a paying customer.”

The kid rolls his eyes at me and says lady I’m just going my job.

“ well you should learn to do it better. We’ve been sitting at our table for the same amount of time , is that ok because I’m white? You do realize we are in McDonald’s right? That you exist because there’s cheap food and we buy it. We basically pay your salary. If you want to refuse service then you can refund all our meals. It’s a bit late to be prejudice isn’t it. “ I wink because I’m kinda bratty.

He looks scared but I hold eye contact until he leaves.

On our way out I stop beside the middle aged man decked out in his blue McDonald’s uniform. The one who called security for back up “ just so you know, it’s not like you made it in life , I pause to gesture vaguely, you should use the wifi to google lateral violence on your phone”.

The thing about me is , I am bossy, I am outspoken and kinda mean , not gonna lie … but my parents raised me to consider the rules but only follow them if I felt it was the right thing to do.

I’m not wrong.

The day ended in a similar fashion. We were heading back to the office , done for the day, when I saw a man in a parking lot with soiled bandages. “ let’s go check in” , i say, I can tell the nurses don’t want to. The last few days have been intense. We are all tired and it’s the end of the day. I chat him up and ask to look at his legs , they are severely infected. He’s frustrated because he went to emerg and waited hours only to leave without seeing a doctor, he then went to an inner city clinic only to find it was closed- like most things due to the stat holiday- he’s tired. He has mobility issues and uses a walker and his bandages are dirty. The new nurse suggests that he go there tomorrow and I interrupt and tell him that we will definitely change them today. The nurse mutters something about possibly not having enough supplies on her and I tell her to glove up because I brought tons of medical gear in case she ran out. It’s assertive for sure but I think as humans we perceive other people’s frustrations as nuances. We are so burdened by imperfection. I know what it’s like to need help and be met with barriers that cause further harm. As they start cutting the old bandages off and start cleaning him up I distract him with conversation. He shares his story of how his child was diagnosed with cancer and how he felt the doctors here were giving up on him so he took everything he had and flew to the states to seek better treatment to save his life. It resulted in a 6 month stay which amounted to 1.6 million. He lost everything except his kid so it was worth it. Last year he slept outside for the first time in -30 weather and got frostbite. He was given antibiotics at the hospital and released back to -30 weather with just a single bus pass and nowhere to go. He never healed. He can barely walk now , it led him into substance use to deal with the harsh reality he found himself in. I admired him for sacrificing it all in the name of love. I too love unconditionally. I also know what it feels like to be stigmatized as a drug user in our healthcare system, society as a whole really. I guess I just think most of society are idiots so it phases me less. I understand on principle why he doesn’t seek care but I explain to him that wound care isn’t enough. “ you need antibiotics immediately, the swelling and redness and fluids and open wounds are bad, I think you know this”

He’s very reasonable and huffs a little then just nods to agree. I make an action plan out of thin air, you can’t sleep outside tonight with just a blanket I tell him, I tell him which places in the city have good security guards which will let him sleep inside despite it being illegal. There are still good humans! I get his name, healthcare number and date of birth and laugh because he’s also a stubborn Taurus - but for the right thing ..

I contact management and tell them I need them to advocate for daily wound care through another organization, I need arrangements made for advanced care paramedics to come see him and do iv antibiotics on site , I need his meals figured out, new clothes and a housing worker. I tell them he just got out of addiction treatment and is worried about relapse, I then need him to get an inner city physician for follow up and for the team to reach out to my team after the initial assessment to collaborate for weekend wound care coverage. I tell him we will come to him when business hours are closed.

I’m not even sure I have authority to do it but this is now the plan and that’s that.

We stay an extra hour late and I thank the nurses for their hard work. I explain that we must look past surface level and always find the truth. He’s not just some lazy drug addict. He’s a hero to his kid and he’s trying very hard with no resources to get himself back. Imagine being disabled with a severe infection on the brink of double amputation, having a filthy tattered blanket to wrap yourself in when the temperature drops below zero tonight, not to mention that the ground is wet from the rain and the man is sober and very sick. “ thank you for helping and understanding from a different lens”

Somewhere in the middle of the day I steal someone’s office for a zoom call with my other employer to discuss event details, crew for both medical and harm reduction and negotiate with the venue and promoters.

I advocate for the venue to provide a separate space outside of both areas to handle any reported sexual assaults in private and suggest how the crews should operate to best handle it.

We run through all of the logistics and they reply, welcome to leadership girl!

We chat about burnout as each female is doing big things to change the game for people who use drugs. We are passionate about change and interconnected to the right people. Health Canada is looking to provide millions in harm reduction and we are finding ways to entice even the promoters across the border who have never offered services like ours.

Once you get passed the stigma you realize it’s actually just a no bullshit way to save lives and truly help people.

It’s wild to me that common sense isn’t more common.

After the meeting I call my full time boss and let her know that I’ve been struggling with severe sleep deprivation and trying to deal with ptsd stuff regarding that one community member. I’m fine, I tell her , I just need to not pick up overtime this week so I can rest. I’m doing my best and hope you’re comfortable with my boundary. It takes guts to say something like that out loud. Maybe it’s easier for other people, I don’t know.

It’s only easy for me to express myself in writing when it comes to my feelings and my trauma. Mostly because no one I know will ever read it. I don’t really want to burden anyone which is conditioning from a broken society. Today was eye opening, people hate on me for being assertive and bossy but I know that patient is learning trust and finding kindness that he probably has been disconnected from for awhile now. I hope I see him strut his stuff into a better life. The alternative is that he never walks again. I can give you an hour of my time if it helps. It’s ok to be busy for the right reasons, it’s ok to make a scene , it’s ok to be a fierce female who’s career focused and equally ok to need time for rest and self care.

I hold three leadership positions and need to stop caring about who doesn’t like watching me climb the ladder. My success is for me, so I can feel stable for once in life and to incite change in the community. My way isn’t going to be their way , if policies don’t allow for forward movement then rules will be broken.

If you don’t like it, take my spot

#Spotify

[dzpenumbra]

5/15/23

Today felt like a bit of a wash. It wasn't... but it felt like it. I figured I'd start with that sentiment since it's at the forefront of my mind, and try to... talk myself out of it as I go along.

I got 4 hours of sleep. It was the upstairs neighbor's boyfriend again. The dude is loud as fuck. I swear, it's like... maybe it's just when he's on the phone or something? I don't feel like I hear his voice otherwise, maybe he has his phone volume cranked or something. But he is fuckin loud.

I didn't get to sleep until about 7. I was woken up at 11. Again... a time that people consider a normal time to make noise, but not even halfway through my sleep cycle. And I had just fucking had it, because I've been dealing with this every week for over a month now. And I said really loud, "please have your loud-ass phone conversation literally anywhere else in your apartment." I strongly doubt he heard me. I was exhausted. I tried to fall back asleep and he kept. waking. me. up. For a fucking hour he kept. waking. me. up. Every time I would nod off, he would stompstompstomp pace back over to the corner where my bed is and blabblabblab at the top of his lungs.

The fighter jets don't wake me up. The vacuuming honestly isn't that bad. I don't wake up any other day, so I think my extensive scientific experiments have deduced that the problem here is... this female tenant has an obnoxiously loud boyfriend. And he is the one fucking with my sleep. And this guy seems to really upset my subconscious, enough to keep me awake and on-edge.

That shit threw off my entire day. I didn't nap. The timing was just all wrong. I ate food and watched streams and looked at the clock and it was like 2PM. I really didn't feel like napping at 2PM was a good idea, especially since my nap around that time would usually be about 3-4 hours. That just... didn't feel right.

So, I stayed up. I played a lot of Risk of Rain 2. I did not do any of my art projects, at any point today. And I guess that's why I felt like the day was a wash.

But here's what I did do...

I did research on bonsai trees. The whole concept fascinates me. And I have these trees out in front of my building that are flowering and they're really beautiful and smell nice. I did a lot of reading on the practice and care and all that. And it seems to range a lot in how deep into tradition or technology you want to go with shit. There are time-honored practices and traditions, there are hormones and chemicals and shit. It's really up to you how you want to do it. And I'm working with... what I'm working with... So, I decided to go on a gathering trip today.

I went for a walk over to the woods with my backpack and a few plastic ziplock bags around 8PM. I grabbed about half a gallon ziplock of gravel from the gravel path. I snagged some mulch from a public garden, I felt a little bad about that one and tried to be sneaky about it... And I grabbed some cuttings from a large bush with purple flowers, and one of the big flowering trees outside my building. I made a small pot out of one of my leftover wonton soup containers that I've been saving. Poked some holes, filled it with a mix of the gravel, mulch and potting soil, saturated it and planted the prepared bush cutting. No clue if it'll take, never even considered doing this... but I guess time will tell.

I also have a lot of gravel, mulch and potting soil left over and I've been considering setting up the moss in a big terracotta dish I have. It just has a pretty big drainage hole in the bottom and... the gravel I was going to put in the bottom is really small comparatively. And I was kinda hoping to use the moss in a... I don't know, more of an indoor Zen garden kinda situation. (Not like I can't find more... moss is super easy to come by...) Since I was on the fence about that, I just... kinda didn't do it. Because the day just disappeared, too.

I had RP streams on all day, and that really throws my sense of time off. It's a pretty big addiction. For someone who loves improvisation and storytelling... I mean... one really big 24/7 non-stop story that's entirely improvised by everyone involved? That's crack for a guy like me, when it's hitting right. And I'm a bit concerned my problem is getting to be... a bit much. I had a stream on in the morning, I switched to the developer's stream in the early afternoon, I watched the community meeting, I watched a PD event they had planned about a week out - a "football" game, which was really really fun to watch... then I popped in the earbuds at halftime and went for a walk and just... listened to it as I walked. I listened as I cooked dinner. I watched as I ate, I had it on when I was playing games, ffs I have it on now. I'm hooked pretty bad.

I think the problem is... it's simulating social interaction. Chat means I can participate in discussion, and it's all just being around social interactions. Watching a lecture or listening to a podcast doesn't really have the same effect... it's very one-way. This is more variable, I can have it on in the background as noise... or I can intently watch and discuss with other viewers. More dynamic options. But yeah, when you're incredibly tired and zoning out? And you just kinda lose track of time? Hours go by and I don't even notice. That's not so bad when you're working and watching... but when you're just sitting there and watching? That makes me feel like crap.

So... I enjoyed the story, got some great laughs, it helped bring light to an otherwise difficult day... but I feel like it's pulling my attention away from other things.

But honestly? It's just work and this. And Risk of Rain, which again... I have a love/hate relationship with. And the plants. And that's my life. And... I mean... as sad as it is? I guess watching this stuff makes me feel like I have friends. -_- But it's just an illusion.

Meanwhile... I really don't know what to do to make real friends. And the dating apps just keep striking out. So... as much as I feel like this is a bad thing? At least I know how to do it.

You know what? I have something I can talk about. Let's do this.

There is someone online right now who I used to raid my streams to. She is from Alabama, she's a pure extrovert, she's in her 40's, she has some kids, she's very warm and friendly. Kinda reminds me of The Oracle from the Matrix, the first one, but way more Southern and giggly and not... that smart... or profound. I would play Phasmophobia with her and a few others during the pandemic. But she kinda... existed in her own bubble, and had some pretty toxic regulars that she'd play with that she wouldn't keep on a leash, that kinda killed the fun of a lot of games. Like... she'd always make a space and make you feel welcome, but only at her house, and she would never really reciprocate that in my streams. She... right now... is having her 4 year streaming anniversary. Oh shit, forgot the best part. Raging alcoholic divorcee who would talk shit about her ex husband live on stream frequently. So... I could go and join them. And run into some annoying people that she hung out with for some reason, and maybe find some fun people mixed in? But I swear, I'd chop off my right arm if she wasn't sloppy drunk right now. And... I'm just gonna level... watching someone who's sloppy drunk kinda stare off into the distance or bitch or gossip or wander off and have a conversation just off camera with her daughter... while her character stares at a wall and her teammates play a game around her? It's... not very entertaining. And these were the closest things I had to friends a few years ago. So... I can go and socialize right now. And I might scope it out to at very least get a reminder of why I don't go back... It just... often doesn't feel worth it. I just need a better community, man.

Bleh.

Welp, let's get some good vibes going here before I go pass out. My jasmine seems to be adjusting well, which is great. It's standing up nice and tall on its own and its leaves are straightening out and everything. I think it's going to adjust very well. The tomato is leaning a lot, but I think it'll be okay, the roots should grow stronger to compensate. I got that cutting planted, I'll check on that in a few weeks to see if it actually rooted, if it survives that long. And... I actually remembered the beads. A bit too late, but I remembered without a reminder. So... I gave myself a less subtle reminder. I moved the beads and the ink pens over to my computer desk. Now they're right here, right in my face. That should help me get at least a basic necklace or bracelet done tomorrow.

I'm actually nodding off, I'm going to bed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #104

(taken january 22nd; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah, when I was way younger.

Did your grandparents teach you anything? To not be an old-fashioned, holier-than-thou piece of fucking garbage that refuses to change with the times and kiss the feet of an invisible mass murderer in the sky.

What are the longest and shortest romantic relationships you’ve been in? Longest, over 3 1/2 years. I was with Juan less than 24 hours.

Have you ever been obsessive over calories, exercise etc.? I've had multiple phases of this.

What are you listening to? So Rammstein's vocalist has an independent band as well and I sometimes explore his solo work and I'm currently obsessed with "Ich weiß es nicht" and I've just fully accepted chaotic 50-60 y/o men dominate my interests lmfao

How is the weather outside? It's raining. I wish it would just snow already, I really wanna get pretty winter weather pictures this year.

List eight things you like about your best friend. He is extremely patient, absolutely hilarious, a strong listener, the most loyal person I've ever met, very obviously genuinely cares about me, he's a very hard worker that's super dedicated to whatever he sets his mind to, he's very good with animals (especially dogs), and he's super intelligent.

List two favourite colours. Pastel pink and coral.

What was the last book you read? I started Wings of Fire: Talons of Power the other day.

How many best friends do you have? I only feel like I'm being entirely accurate in the sense of what I consider an absolute best friend to be when I answer with Girt, but I know some people will be like "oh he doesn't count" because he's my partner, but whatever. If not him, then it's Mom, buuuut again, I know some won't consider that a valid answer. My closest friends that are just friends and not blood or anything are both Tez and Mazzy, though.

Are you holding back doing or saying anything? Yeah, I guess. Nothing very important, though.

Have you ever been used? Oh I'm sure I have been, in one way or another.

Are you pregnant? Zero chance of that.

Do you want to be? BIG no on that one.

Can you describe your entire family in three words? Complicated, strained, distant.

What’s the first thing you see when you look out your window? Our road and houses across the street.

What’s your favorite fair food? I actually don't know; I've been to so very few and tried barely any food. I do know that I actually don't like funnel cake, though.

What’s something you always wear, even in the shower? Piercings.

How did you feel after your first kiss? There was a whole lotta butterflies and shyness but also tons of happiness and peace and the feeling that I was in the midst of something wonderful. Girl if you only knew lmfao

What’s your state's or country’s minimum wage? $7.25/h 🙃 proven to be properly unlivable here

What was the best thing you ever did for your parents, legal guardians or parental figures? hell if I know honestly

Have you ever worn a suit? No but women in suits is FUCKING HOT

Would you rather make 2D or 3D art? 2D. Sculptures and stuff aren't my thing, at least when it comes to ME making them. I love looking at that kinda stuff, though.

Do you eat candy corn? No, I hate that shit.

Were either of your parents baptized? I can absolutely, positively guarantee my mom was, but idk about Dad.

The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? Nah.

Do you think pepperoni would be good on a meatball sub? I don't even like meatball subs to begin with because the bread gets so damp and gross.

Has anyone killed one of your pets before? Well, yes. Growing up we had cats get hit by cars a lot. I've told the story of our then-neighbors' rottweilers getting loose and going on a cat massacre once too, but I honestly don't blame the owners and haven't for a very, very long time. Those dogs were smart and it wasn't like them getting loose was even a remotely common thing. It was entirely an accident.

Does your bathroom have a theme to it? Neither one does.

Are any rooms in your house themed? Not really. I WANT to redesign mine with more of a nature-y vibe, though.

Is there someone that you have lost respect for recently? My grandmother, who I ALREADY didn't respect at all.

Have you ever edited an article on Wikipedia? No.

Do you remember your first love? I am not AT ALL exaggerating the times I say that I very sincerely doubt that I would forget Jason even if I developed dementia/Alzheimer's. Some patients do remember specific details of their lives and I am fully convinced that would be me with him.

What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? The Internet, lmao.

Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No.

Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? Obviously?????????????

Go back to your freshman year; what kind of music were you listening to? Same stuff as now, various forms of metal, but I would also listen to more scream-y stuff.

Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No.

What is something you think about yourself that nobody agrees with? That I'm incredibly dumb. People who know me, especially family, always love to point out I'm "super smart" (when it comes to book-type knowledge, everyone knows I have terrible common sense) but I very much feel like they just think about how I performed up through high school. I don't know WHAT happened once I started college (my one and only guess is that my trauma genuinely affected my memory and even how I register information), but it did a fantastic job at making me feel appallingly stupid and unable to process new information. It's probably always going to upset me, how much I changed in terms of learning.

What about something people think of you that you don’t agree with? That I handle kids quite well. I always feel like I'm doing or saying the total wrong thing and acting awkwardly, and even seeing evidence that kids DO seem to gravitate towards me doesn't make me believe that I'm actually good with them.

What is your favourite type of video game? Horror, esp psychological-type horror.

Do you sometimes pretend to do things you dont know how to do? No, that sounds like a bad idea.

If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? I want to say my inner forearm, I think.

Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No.

If you died right now, what would be your biggest regret? Never feeling like I found my place in the world.

What do you believe was your greatest achievement? Healing from the breakup. I know it sounds super little and unimpressive, but when you know how desperately I just always wanted to be dead and the psychological damage it all did that I STILL deal with, you'd realize it was a feat of fucking strength and self-love that I frequently forget about.

What have you learned from pain? To cherish every single moment without it and to also have empathy and understanding.

What was the last text or IM you sent? Girt was asking about moving our hangout day to Wednesday, which I told him was fine; he just feels like having the weekend to himself. I wanted to see him, but I'm not actually upset at all; he's allowed to have time with himself, even if I WASN'T okay with it.

What is the simplest way to make you happy? Talk to me about meerkats or Rammstein or Silent Hill and stuff lmao.

When was the last time you had deja vu? Actually when I was writing an RP post yesterday, it was really weird.

Is there something you are always interested in? The main topic of deep interest that has prevailed the longest is meerkats.

Do you like buffet restaurants? I really don't, I find the concept super gross with how people are.

When was the last time you felt like you were starving? Full realism, I've never felt like I was sincerely, truly starving because I never factually have been. Yeah, I exaggerate and sometimes am like "I'm starving" when I mean I'm super hungry, but I'm fully aware I'm actually not. I consider myself an incredibly lucky person to have constant access to some kind of food.

Would you ever dye your hair all the colors of the rainbow? If my hair would actually take it and it wasn't absurdly expensive, fuck yeah.

What has made you laugh lately? I've been watching a lot of Game Grumps lately, and they do very, very easily. More than any other YouTube channel on a consistent basis.

If a Miley Cyrus song was playing in a store, would you leave? Oh, grow up. I'm not leaving a store I went to to get something I need or even just want just because a fucking song comes on.

Have you ever actually discovered someone watching you? No, thank the fucking lord. That would REALLY creep me out.

What would you do if you found an inappropriate picture of yourself online? I would be EXTREMELY freaked out because I've never taken an inappropriate picture of myself and I've never allowed anyone else to either, so someone would've done it in secrecy. I'd also be absolutely fucking humiliated because I hate my body. I'd absolutely try to figure out who got the picture and try my absolute damnedest to get it taken off the Internet.

What do you think of Facebook? I use it to keep tabs on people I care about and also see memes haha, plus other cool or motivational/inspiring stuff, but it DOES sometimes negatively affect me in the sense it makes me feel insanely behind in life.

Would you rather have Junior Mints or Reese’s? Reese's.

Have you ever taken a Polaroid? I'm quite sure I haven't, though I would actually really like to have a Polaroid-type camera. I can absolutely see the aesthetic appeal of them.

When was the last time you felt pressured? This past Friday Emerson wanted to play catch with one of her toys for a little bit, and though I didn't really want to because I was reading a book, I obviously did.

How many times have you broken a bone? Once.

Do you have a preference of chocolate? Milk chocolate with either a peanut butter or caramel interior.

Do you have a favorite author? Nah I really don't.

Do you own anything “designer?” Definitely not. I ain't got that kind of money.

If you had to draw your life, what would it mainly include? A lot of mental illness imagery and also Jason. Mom.

What is your favourite dinosaur? It's always been the spinosaurus. I also really love velociraptors, but their understood anatomy has changed a whole lot. I've found I prefer less feathery dinos. The Jurassic Park iteration of them are more my style.

Have you ever made bread? I personally haven't.

Would your childhood self be disappointed? UH, YEAH.

Has anything ever fallen asleep on you? Yeah, pets, partners, kids. Maybe sisters at some point.

What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? Well, they worry me NOW because I learned sleep apnea (and mine is apparently severe) is a dangerous complicator in surgeries. I've also wondered if my nightmares could be an issue... I also have a considerable fear of anesthesia awareness, but it's not absolutely overwhelming.

Do you have a Tumblr? My Tumblr was (I'm assuming) accidentally terminated over a month ago and I am STILL waiting to hear back from them, even after sending a second report. 🙃 I've been tempted to go back to my old email account (that one was ALSO randomly terminated after a theme edit but was restored), but I really don't want to so am trying to wait. I just don't at all see what in the world I could've done wrong to be fairly banned.

Would you ever consider moving to another country? Realistically I don't think I will. My mom has basically begged us girls to stay together and prioritize our family bond because our extended family ALL live out of state, usually many states away.

Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? How do we know the one we live in now isn't? Zombifying parasites already exist in simpler, smaller organisms; who knows what the future holds. I do remember reading a scientific article about it for some reason just not seeming possible for humans with our current biological knowledge, but. Who knows. BUT ANYWAY, I would DEFINITELY prefer it to not be possible. I will never understand the absolute maniacs that basically fetishize that universe, like bitch you will die within the first couple days like basically everyone else, stop pretending you're a godly badass in the face of a horde of dead humans that are deadset on eating you and accept you're gonna shit your pants like everyone else lmao.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions