#i think it was good for my mental health to distance myself from some stuff

[icewindandboringhorror]

I was just thinking what a cool job this might be.. what if you were just the person who makes little still images of cute animal figurines doing various activities to post on social media...? like.. show up to work and just spend the whole day like "hmm... this table should be placed to the left a little.. let me set this miniature bagel down in this way... this tiny rabbit should be wearing a scarf", setting the backgrounds, the lighting, etc. ... dream job perhaps lol...

#I'm sure it probably doesnt pay much lol #but.. maybe in some ideal world.. #with my health and mental conditions and level of functioning there are VERY few Jobs I could actually EVER manage aside from #just being self employed and being able to set my own hours somehow etc... But every once in a while I come across something like this #and it's like... hrmm.... Yes... perhaps if I could align myself in this hyper specific scenario under hyper specific conditions in a #precise and predictable way and everything worked out perfectly and I had all the accomodations I might need.. maybe I could #do THAT thing then .. lol #Not just generally a 'social media manager' or something. I think that would drive me into the throes of madness #but SPECIFICALLY 'person who makes the images for the calico critters social media' and also #the place i have to go to do that is either my home or within walking distance of my home and also i rarely have to interact #with others aside from the posts probably going through some approval process and initial ideas where they tell me what #type of scene to make and also i somehow make $90.000 a year doing this for only 4 days a week with frequent sick breaks #dreamy sigh and so on and so forth and such and so on #ANYWAY........ #the idea of meticulously placing little pastries and miniature crayons and stuff around all day until the scene is perfectly crafted.. SO #SO so appealing to me... like designing environments in the sims except it's real and tangible.. And also imagine having access #to the FULL library of miniature items. to me that would be just as good as owning them #Like.. I get to use them and make little scenes with them and hold them and stare at them and everything except also #they're all kept at work so I don't have boxes of clutter filling home. #unlimited access to every little miniature food ever crafted yet none of the downsides (purchase cost and storage) #etc. etc. ANYWAY ... #Chuckling confidently as I add this onto the 'List Of ''Real'' Jobs I Could Do' which is just a notebook sheet of paper with only like 5 #other similarly unlikely hyperspecific scenarios scribbled down

[her-favourite]

Closure - please read if you even remotely care about me

I have been having this feeling for months... that I regret ever becoming friends with E.

I only ever posted about the good and about the cutesy stuff but having her in my life (even tho she saved me, she helped me when I was most suicidal) really fucked me up. We had great moments together and she put me in not-so-great situations, emotionally.

There were times when I asked her to message me when she got home (when I knew she'd arrive home late) and she didn't. She she said she'd call me back, she rarely did which caused me intense anxiety. She pointed out flaws in the name of helping me better myself, these often turned into massive insecurities.

Last year, when I have already slept at hers a couple of time, when we were already close friends she full on forgot my birthday (24/02) which broke my heart as she was my main mother figure. When I brought it up she said her mental health was suffering. In contrast, I gave her silver jewellery just a few weeks earlier for her birthday. That whole ordeal really fucked me up and our relationship was never the same. I'm like 60% sure she won't remember my birthday this year... (She never really wore the silver jewellery I gave her which broke my heart because I wore the necklace with a pendant that she gave me every. single. day. For more than 2 years.)

She purposefully never said that she loved me. I told her that I needed that in a friendship, she knew that, yet she never said it.

She purposefully never introduced me as her friend when we met someone. Always as her exstudent. She knew it was important for me, yet she never did it.

It was always me initiating things, it was always me calling her to check up on her. She hardly ever reached out to me. I initiated I'd say 95% of our interactions.

When I left high school I asked her if we can have an adult friendship. She said yes. That wasn't true.

I told her handwritten things are my thing. I told her multiple times. I told her multiple times how happy I was when I got handwritten anything from other friends. Not once did she write anything. Not even a Merry Xmas card. Nothing.

Every time I told her something about N or T she kind of got jealous (I don't know if that's how she actually felt but it seemed like it) and always found something negative about their actions. Why did T as a married man talk to me like that? Why did N as an adult (buy this point I was already 19-20) talk to me about serious stuff) that way etc.

She had been in abusive situations. I thought that she deserved to be loved unconditionally. I thought that if she felt loved by me it's all by worth it. During a fight, I once asked her if she felt loved by me. She said no. That broke my heart to a million pieces because that means that it was all in vain. Whenever she said or did something that hurt me I justified staying because her feeling loved unconditionally was more important for me. And yet it was all in vain.

I learnt so many things from her, both as a person and also as a teacher. I'm so glad I had her in my life during my formative years but I think it's time I set up some boundaries and put a bit of distance between us.

There were multiple times when she messed with my mental peace to the point where I'd have full-on meltdowns, and would have very shit couple of days after our fights. Almost always I wanted to dramatically have a friendship breakup with her but I was afraid I'd be kind of flagged as childish for how I react. But I convinced myself that I just have to suck it up and that E is simply a tough-love and extremely honest type of person.

My heart feels like it's missing a piece. Throughout my high school years, I had (still have) very troubled, emotionally neglectful relationship with my parent's and I almost took pride in calling myself neither my father's nor my mother's little girl. But E's. She took on a motherly figure role in my life. Which is now ending.

I don't know how it may seem to other people, it may seem not that big of a deal but E really was my close friend, I probably knew all her close friends, she definitely knew mine, I have slept at hers multiple times, I even had a key to her flat for a brief time. I met her when I was 14 and now I'm about to turn 21.

One thing I want to add is, and I don't want to compare these two women because both are genuinely amazing (and E was amazing just not as a mother figure I think) , but I feel the most secure, reassured and genuinely liked with my mentor-mentee relationship with N even tho I've known N for a little less than one year.

I don't know how long this post is going to be in my drafts until I'm able to post it (and by that, accept these things.) If she forgets my birthday that'll probably be the last straw and I'll post it. 18/01/24

27/02/24: She forgot it again. I don’t know what to do.

#E #teacher attachment #tcc #teacher crush community #teacher crush #november 2023 #female teacher attachment #female teacher #closure #female teacher crush #favorite teacher #teacher

[uninformedartist]

I think this is a space safe enough to say this

I was an Anon on Chai's blog known as Anti Anon and I am angry at myself for the whole situation.

I knew Chai was a proshipper and despite all my morals I turned a blind eye to it for a few reasons

Chai didn't seem like a completely horrible person like most proshipper and I remember them saying that proshipper meant something slightly different on tumblr. Chai also said they were a victim of CSA so it didn't make sense for me to assume they were like the usual fuckers i encounter in the proshipper crowd

I turned against my morals for another reason. They were also the only one documenting shit in the critical community and had contacts with Vivziepop's victims. And those victims were more important than Chai being a proshipper and I believed Chai wasn't a bad person for some reason or at least doing a good thing. I was mainly worried that Chai's status as a proshipper would hurt the victims testimonies but again my mind didnt fully register that despite the good Chai was still a bad person.

The major critical blogs kept interacting with him

The Toothless and Hiccup stuff from what i saw came off as them being legitimately an idiot and equating DND dragon lore with dreamworks not someone who had legitimately thought bestiality and zoophilia was ok

I have stated in the past in asks that i was never looking to be besties with Chai because of the proshipper shit I wanted to keep a distance. I honestly only checked the blog periodically and I am cursed to believe the best in everyone even people i despise. I only checked the blog periodically really so I never saw the other shit.

But after seeing the shit that was revealed recently I fucking hate how stupid and blind I was. I was so obsessed with the victims deserving justice it overrode my morals.

But the shit that I saw in the screenshot plus Chai's response... I'm done with that shit. If Chai had been a dumbass it's one thing but... this isn't being a dumbass. This is vile is the absolutely most mild thing I can say.

Yeah but I think after all that it's very obvious I need a break from Vivziepop and the critical community for my own health and to never be such an idiot again.

You're completely valid and this is a safe place to share this anon. I 100% understand you, I believe all the reasons you gave is what a lot of people have done and now feel after this whole situation, I personally relate to what you have said cos I too interacted with Chai, many critical accounts did. I believe we all trusted Chai because of how kind they were, the info they brought forward on Viv and what they shared on their life experience dispite the some evidence and talks about them. That info brought forward on Chai I personally did not know of, and really saw word of mouth testimonies on Chai & that obsessed Chai account on twitter.

But I digress. You're not a bad person, you're just human like everyone who saw good in Chai dispite your moral beliefs.

You're not an idiot ok 🌸. Also I agree with you in stepping back from Viv and the critical community, your health and mental health should come 1st 💜. Wish you only the best anon.

I won't be tagging this post with anything 🌟

[hotchs-big-hands]

Today turned out to be Pretty Bad™ stuck down very awful bad memory lane and I just wanna clarify to ppl why I may not always answer dms/asks etc. I've only really told one person on here the big details about this, and I won't go into all the details here either but it'll be enough to explain why. I hope anyway. Idk why I'm doing this.

I'll give a quick tl;dr here because it is long and also goes into very triggering topics such as self harm/suicide.

Basically I used to have a very close best friend, who I'll call shithead, back in early 2018 until late 2022 who extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive and just very overall toxic. If you've ever seen me refer to a "shithead" in tags or whatever then its about the person imma talk abt here. I was essentially the person they turned to to talk them out of doing things to themselves, if you get me. As well as a lot of other stuff. Ended up getting therapy (but not for the right reasons tbh) and also got a bad coping mechanism where I tend to not talk to people, I keep my distance and its smth I wanna tackle but it's difficult. So if you haven't heard back from me it's not cuz I don't like you, I am fighting with my brain. Also I kinda question if I actually am a good person or not because of stuff that I did in retaliation to this person.

I'll get into details now under the cut but yeah don't read if self harm/suicide/toxic dynamics are something you don't want to hear about for whatever reason.

As above, in early 2018 I used to have a different fanfic blog for a different fandom. I won't go into detail about which fandom and what the blog was but it was fairly popular. This is how I came to be friends with them. And like at the beginning it was fucking great! We became fast friends and we had a lot of shared interests. They introduced me to a lot of games, TV shows etc. But that's also where the problems started.

They were one of those types of fans. The "very possessive over certain characters" type of fan. If they liked them and had a crush on them then you couldn't do the same cuz character belonged to them. Which at the time I didn't rly like but I used to be friends with someone in high school who was also like that about characters so I assumed it was just a thing ppl did. However, it escalated to if I had a character I liked then they'd for some reason not like them and in fact hated them. This was kinda draining cuz they never wanted to talk abt stuff I liked, without actually directly saying so. They'd just shit talk them the whole time or say they hate them. So I stopped talking about what I liked. Later, they'd suddenly really like said media or characters and only then was it fine to talk about them. But in turn they'd be possessive and if I said oh okay I'll step back from them they would make me feel like I was being stupid because "no they didn't say I couldn't like them".

Anyway thats not rly the worst of it of course, the actual bad stuff is now so again, final warning for self harm/suicide. Will square off the triggering sections.

*********************

They struggled with their mental health a lot. Like a lot. I'd be there for them to listen, offer help and support because I like to take care of ppl and make sure they'll be okay. Except it escalated to them using me to talk them out of harming themself and killing themself. And this was almost everyday/night. And need I just say they were an hour ahead of me as well btw. I went to university in 2019 originally and by December I was completely burnt out because I spent every day and night making sure they didn't fucking do anything to themself. I got at most 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and I stopped doing my hobbies and uni work because I just had no drive to do them anymore. It was clear I was also suffering mentally. I was suicidal and thinking of harming myself as well (and unfortunately I did do so a couple times). But I prioritised them. Everything was triggering for them, and I mean that. I had a long list pinned to my wall of everything I was to avoid mentioning because it would trigger them.

They never took care about my own mental health btw, which I'm not saying they HAD to but I know it was because they just didn't care. And they said as much too. They said because they are autistic they have no empathy and therefore do not feel anything about my mental health. So I suffered basically alone.

*********************

I dropped out of uni in early 2020 and in fact went home the weekend lockdown began in the UK. Things were not good. I was still trying to be support for shithead, I went to therapy and started medication for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get better so I could take care of them. Which like. Never do that. Never go to therapy so you can be someone else's therapist. Go to therapy because YOU want to be better for YOURSELF.

We were in in a bigger friendship group spread across a few discord servers and they all broke down one way or another. One instance there was an argument between shithead and a bunch of others who were comparing who had it worse during ww2. The others were Americans but were also of Jewish heritage with family who were affected by the holocaust and shithead lives in a country near where the holocaust happened with relatives who went through a famine. Either way it was just not gonna be a good conversation. Shithead left, I stayed and like I already don't rly talk to people much in groups because its overwhelming but I did do a little bit. Someone who was friends with shithead and still in the server told shithead I was talking to the others and in turn I basically betrayed shithead. Hindsight I wish I had just left the server ages before and like maybe j shouldn't have talked to the others idk. I regret it either way and think abt it a lot.

Another few shitty things I did in response to how shithead would treat me is giving them the silent treatment, giving short answers etc. I wanted them to feel bad, but it would round back to me being told I'm a coward and horrible to them. Which maybe I was but frankly I was scared of them.

*********************

Things began to rly break down when they showed me their fresh self harm wounds, blood and all, because they were "bored". I didn't talk to them for a few days and their apology wasn't much of an apology, more just making excuses again (aka I have autism so it's not my fault). I started talking less and less because by this point my brain had had enough ig and began to close off from them and just ppl in general.

*********************

In 2022 I finally returned to university and thats also when I finally stopped talking to them. A few months ago I finally blocked them on everything. However, I still struggle with communication and don't rly do it much. It's difficult to maintain friendships and I don't trust easily. I plan on going back to therapy whenever i can because this is just unresolved. But yeah idk I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't responded to, or take a long time to respond to.

One thing that is good tho is that like, after shithead I didn't enjoy anything. I didn't rly watch or hyperfixate on anything. But last year around this time I came across an Aaron Hotchner x plus size reader fic and I've been obsessed with him since!! And now here we are, got a blog and everything for a fandom finally after so long :) so it's not all bad.

But yeah that's why I struggle keeping up with messages and asks. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you've read this far then thank you and you mean a lot. Big hugs to yawl and I hope yawl have a lovely day, and if not then please take it easy 💖💖💖💖

#vent post #tw vent #tw: self harm #tw suicide #tw self harm #a speaks

[thehightiefling]

personal stuff under the cut, please do not feel obligated to read or respond. i just need to put this somewhere, i normally don't like putting stuff online

but i just. needed a space, i guess

being neurodivergent it's just. hard. fitting in somewhere, belonging somewhere.

on top of that there's the PTSD angle and I just. idk. i feel. not even human. don't get me wrong, being medicated for it finally has helped a lot.

but it's still so painfully obvious i'm different and just. can't function the same way as others. i don't know how to be a human correctly. or how to have friendships.

and it's so frustrating because i don't know what is wrong with me, what i'm doing wrong. i mean like i know i get attached, and clingy. but i try to be hyperaware of that and pretty much beg people to please set boundaries with me. idk if that's more to the mental issues or the trauma, either way i want so badly for people to like me. i'll take even the slightest crumb, because i just so badly want friendship. you don't even have to like me/care about me the same way i do you.

like i have spent so much of my life alone and in bad places. life is hard, you never know what people are going through. so i always try to be honest and sincere with people. like if i enjoy something someone does/make, or something as small as i like their hair/outfit, i'll tell them that. the few friendships i have had i love them with so much intensity and i want those people to know how much they mean to me, because it is so special to me, even if the the other party doesn't feel the same. it is all i have. and i am so grateful.

i've had my excitement over mundane things or things my friends think/say/do pointed out to me before and i worry it's more annoying than endearing.

i know there's a saying that some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime or whatever. and i'm in my late twenties; myself and those i know are married and have kids, careers, homes, etc., i do know that life happens and while you may care a lot for someone, you just can't prioritize them in your life. totally get that and that's okay.

i'm just. mourning. because i feel like i'm only always in someone's life for a brief time, and then i outlive my uselessness. and i just disappear from their lives quietly, or something drastic happens.

i just. see these intimate, close friendships, and i just don't know why i'm not capable of doing that. i see people who have been friends since they were children, who see each other regularly, who help each other with their children or are there for major life events, good or bad. like i read one post about how these two women had been friends since they were kids, and the one basically became like an aunt to the other's children. they were literally viewed as family. they'd buy each other flowers, babysit, curl up and platonically cuddle together, spend holidays together. i just wish i could develop bonds like that.

i just almost wish i could give friends a 'feedback survey', like what they don't like about me, what i'm doing wrong. i know it's adult life. and i do have dear friends who are genuinely my family, unfortunately health and distance keep us physically apart. i just worry that eventually they'll be gone too, you know?

i feel like egotistical or attention seeking posting this. that's not my intent. i just wanted to get my thoughts out there. and idk, maybe someone will read this and understand the feeling. the human experience is really isolating

#personal stuff #long rambles #pls do not feel like you have to read or reply #i don't wanna put anyone off or put someone in a headspace #i just needed to voice my thoughts i guess verbalize them in some way #PROCESS THEM i guess idk i am not in therapy #i will not do this often i promise #preferably not ever again lol

[telesilla]

The following is an extended metaphor included in a ridiculously long letter I’m sending to my health care provider. I’m posting here because…idk, it’s writing and sharing it with y’all is probably more effective for my mental health than sending it will actually be.

You see, it’s been too long since I’ve seen anyone for my mental health so I need to go through a screening, presumably to discover if my disability (which has been diagnosed since 2000) is still real or something. Now mind you, this isn’t the government trying to cut my benefits, this is my healthcare provider (a company whose name rhymes with Miser) making me do this to get the healthcare I pay for. Thing is, there is only one way to access this screening, through phone. I can get a mammogram appointment through a phone call, the website, their surprisingly decent app or just fucking walking in on a slow day. Mental health care? Gotta be a phone call to get a screener appointment that will then pass me along the system.

Meanwhile my primary care doctor’s office keeps fucking nagging me about other health issues (which really fucking stresses me out since I know I should care but I can’t because I’m fucking crazy) and I’m like, I have one fucking major diagnosis with you people and yet, no one has ever once reached out to me about it. And since that diagnosis gets in the way of other health stuff, idk maybe we should nag me about that instead? So I wrote a letter to the patient advocacy folks asking them to tell my doctor’s office to lay off, but it’s really 1600+ words telling them that they suck. Nothing will change, but I guess I feel better?

Like a good number of people with mental illnesses, I have certain things that are hard for me to do. Simple things that ordinary people do without thinking, like making phone calls, can be impossible if your brain does not cooperate

As an example, please imagine you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, a really high drop, ten or more stories. There is a person next to you and they say, just step forward. You can’t do that because if you step forward, you’ll die. The person insists that the drop is the same as a regular stair, just a few inches, and that you just need to take the step and you’ll be fine. You ask if there’s a handrail, or maybe an alternate path, because you really do want to move forward, only there’s this cliff and your brain won’t let you take that step. The person insists that because it’s a simple step you don’t need handrails or an alternate route and kind of implies that you’re a little foolish for even asking. It’s just a step.

Now, stay with me on the edge of that cliff and imagine that instead of some random person who doesn’t know me, it’s someone who is supposed to care about me. It is, in fact, someone who I pay a fifth of my limited income to care about me. Someone who knows for certain that I have a condition that makes it hard for me to judge distances. But all they do is keep telling me it’s just a step, and it’s one I’ve stepped down before. And all I can remember is that the only reason I was able to step off it before was such severe mental pain that I was considering running from my home or possibly even killing myself. So when the only alternative to blowing up my whole life or even ending it was to leap off a cliff, yes, I was able to leap. However being able to jump off a cliff only because there’s a bear about to eat you is not a way to deal with everyday mental health issues.

#i know why they do it #because when you gatekeep #it’s easier to weed out people you don’t think need help #i also know that this letter will do nothing #but if my actual goddamn doctor’s office will leave me alone #it’ll help a little #and if the bear shows up again #i’ll make the call #but imagine what it would be like to deal with your mental health #when it’s not a fucking emergency #be cheaper for kaiser too but….

[sonic-spirit]

Okay, let's fuckin gooooo!!!

I'm seeing if I can do a blog post every day to try and get myself through more of that wall of awful brain garbage that's been gumming things up inside me. I have a lot of topics I've been wanting to talk about, and stories I've been wanting to record, and, yanno. The only way out is through.

It was my first day off I haven't shared with one of my mates in awhile, so that ended up shaping how I approached the day. I started a bit of a decluttering project, since we do have a lot of stuff with no homes right now. I'm not willing to mess with my mates' stuff, but in the two years since moving all the way out here my hyper pared-down stuff has grown, and I was definitely due for some re-organizing and looking it all over for stuff I don't want or need anymore. A big part of the project today was breaking down the variety of little caches I'd developed in a few spots in the apartment and keeping like things together, especially toys and art supplies. I have some big traditional media projects I've been gearing up for, and the more ready things are to get started, the more convenient I make my setups to hit the ground running, the more likely I am to actually do them.

Talking about that stuff was supposed to help me ease into writing about one of the more emotionally charged things I've been meaning to write about, ^_^;; but if I segue into talking about Otherkin stuff from decluttering, the post's kinda gonna feel uneven to me. So, okay, let's talk about, as I have it in my notes:

The Time I Drove Across the Country 3 Times to Save My Life

I feel guilty about looking at it as anything but a tragedy, millions of people died, and who knows how many more were permanently disabled, and so many could have been okay if the people in power hadn't been so eager to throw them to the mercies of an uncaring disease. But, selfishly, COVID saved my life.

My mental health still isn't great. There are always ups and downs, and I've been under a lot of financial stress that's been causing me to spiral in a lot of other ways again. But before COVID it was so, so much worse. I wasn't still living with my abusive parents at the time, but I was working for them, and still beholden to them socially and financially. And I was...loosing resiliency. Going to cons and spending time with my friends wasn't...well, if wasn't enough to offset how the rest of it was wearing on me, dealing with my abusers, doing a job I hated and where I constantly felt like I was failing, and I was losing ground. I'd been suicidal for years and years, and I didn't think I had much fight left in me. I'd also been trying to escape, with interruptions to triage myself to keep functioning, for even longer. I was tired, and I was getting desperate.

COVID bought me more time.

Everything going into shutdown was bad. And let me be perfectly clear, shutting down was the right thing to happen, there were so, so many people who should not have died. But for the first time in ten years, I got some distance from my abusive parents. I didn't have to go into a job and see them all the time, I didn't have to go over to their house and play nice and cow-tow to them every week.

For the first time in so, so long, I got a reprieve.

It was still hard, I missed my friends, and the stress of living under the threat of a pandemic was huge. But I finally started to be able to put myself back together again. Just a little bit. And that made all the difference in the world.

And then, in the heart of all this uncertainty, one of my really, really good friends who I'd fallen out of contact with a few years prior reached out, and we reconnected. We talked, and talked, and one thing led to another, and eventually we started dating.

My parents had eroded most of the COVID protections at my job by this time, having us back working in the office, opening the office to the public, and things were quickly becoming untenable for me again. My friends, in person and long distance, did their best to help. As much as I would let them see how deeply I was struggling.

Then came the Thanksgiving trip.

I'd been very resistant to flying to Florida with my family in the Thanksgiving of a pandemic. But my mom had bartered with me. If I went on this trip, they wouldn't force me into going on the Christmas trip. -_- And how could I say no to a deal like that. Look, I didn't have many options, and again, I was beholden to them. I could only fight so hard. So, I went. And it was worse than I had even expected.

Never masking in a state with abysmal infection numbers, never taking advantage of outside seating at restaurants, eating out for every meal was bad enough. The endless refrain of Fox News and fascistic dogwhistles put me over the edge. I knew they wanted who I really was dead. But...living inside it...I was done. I needed to escape, by any means necessary. My friends were alarmed and rightly so. I redoubled my efforts to find another job as means of escape, and determined I would not do this ever again. I would give myself a deadline to get out.

When my relationship started with my mate, I changed my focus to jobs in the San Jose area. And in February, I finally had an opportunity. Two jobs wanted me to come in and interview, and I'd already blocked out a long weekend for that year's virtual FurSquared con. Instead, I loaded myself and my 16-year-old kidney diseased kitty, and everything I though I couldn't do without in case I decided to simply never come back, and drove the 3,000 miles from Illinois to California in 3 days.

It was ROUGH. I didn't give myself a very reasonable timeline to get there, and driving 10-hour or more days, going from cat-friendly hotel to cat-friendly hotel was A Lot. Giving Zi her subcutaneous fluids in hotel rooms was a wild experience. But eventually, we made it. I met up with my mate, changed clothes and ran out for an interview...^_^;; which I actually missed because I'd taken too long to get there. But spending the night with my mate and their partner, feeling safe with them...they offered to let me stay, and I tearfully admitted that I didn't want to leave.

I almost just stayed. I wanted to, badly. But I still had a house to get out from under, and I needed to go back and sell it. I went to the second interview, where neither of us impressed one another, and drove Zi and myself back, escape plan in gear.

My house was a horrifically cluttered mess when I called the realtor who'd helped me buy it and asked him to help me sell, but he was still generous when he came by to talk with me. The market was good, he told me, and places were getting sold even before they were properly listed. I signed the papers, and started getting to work on paring everything down and packing.

It quickly became clear that storage or moving things or Uhauls would be prohibitively expensive for me, easily over $1,000 for the cheapest options. Since I would be moving without a job set up, and without any form of income when I left, the only reasonable option was to only bring what I could fit in my car, and donate or sell the rest. It was hard, emotional work, and I had to make a lot of hard decisions (and a lot of use of Facebook Marketplace for the first time), but I made it happen, and by mid April, I finally left.

I had a celebratory going away party the night before leaving, where we drank and had fun, and enjoyed one another's company. And then my friends came and helped me with the last of the junk I hadn't managed to get through the next morning. They held me while I had a panic attack over telling my parents I was leaving, and helped me to be able to go.

In the end, the people who really knew me, who really loved me, saved me.

Finally, I headed out with Zi, deciding to drive...less stupid hours this time. I limited myself to 8 hour driving days, and just did a few more days. Memorably, one morning when I was trying to get us out the door and checked out, I couldn't find Zi. I searched that hotel room for my kitty for a good half hour before I finally found her--she'd somehow managed to open a drawer, climb inside, and shut herself in!

I'd expected to feel freed, relieved. I'd expected to feel a weight off myself immediately. But mostly, what I'd felt at first was numb grief. I was so tired. I was glad to be going, excited to be with people I loved. But I still felt bad. Everything they would have thought of the situation echoed in my mind, and it hurt. I knew I was right to go. I knew there was no way they'd ever stop hurting me. I knew I needed to get away. But their words, of how selfish I was, echoed inside me.

It's still hard sometimes. Abuse echoes still. But I'm so, so fucking relieved to be out. And so, so fucking grateful to be with my partners.

#sonic says #sonic sez #tw mental illness #mental health #tw suicidality #tw suicide mention #tw suicide

[wishbrightdreams]

Get To Know Me!

1. IF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT TITLE WOULD BEST FIT?

* Dazed and confused lol. 🤣 (not smoking btw just the title describes my life haha)

2. WOULD YOU RATHER BE A FANTASTIC DANCER OR BE GREAT AT MATH?

* Definitely math. I’ve always struggled understanding math in school and it caused me a lot of frustration. I don’t need to be a math wizard, just being able to understand it is all I need!

3. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COMEDY MOVIE?

* I love slapstick and potty humor. I don’t have a particular favourite comedy movie as I tend to lean towards animated movies instead of live action. But I guess if I had to choose I would choose The Minions, I love those guys!

4. ARE YOU MORE OF A CAT PERSON OR A DOG PERSON?

* definitely a dog person. My mom is super allergic to cats and my dad is allergic as well. (They are also allergic to dogs, but we managed to get a hypoallergenic dog which has helped with their allergies)

5. WHAT CELEBRITY WOULD YOU RATE AS A PERFECT 10?

* Tom Holland of course! Not just looks wise either, I’m in love with his personality. 😍 I love goofy, funny and nerdy hot guys like Tom Holland. If only he was a musician too. 🤤

6. WHAT’S THE CLOSEST THING TO REAL MAGIC?

* Manifestation! Technically that’s not magic, but whatever. I believe that we are all born with some type of psychic ability, we’re just not all awakened to it.

7. WHAT IS THE BEST AND WORST PURCHASES YOU’VE EVER MADE?

* Hmm, I’m not sure about this one. I often go by reviews because I have a tough time making up my mind about which thing I want to buy. I try to analyze each thing I buy to make sure I’m buying a good product haha.

8. IF IT WERE POSSIBLE TO COLONIZE MARS IN OUR LIFETIME, WOULD YOU GO? WHY OR WHY NOT?

* Heck no! Space is scary haha. Plus Earth needs help healing so I’d rather spend my time helping people here and devote my time to bettering the planet we currently live on. Now that being said, if I lived in a reality like in the movie Interstellar I would go because it’s our only option to survive haha.

9. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM VACATION ON YOUR BUCKET LIST?

* Japan for sure! It’s been my dream to travel to Japan since I was a pre-teen. And not just because of anime haha. I’d also love to visit Europe and the United Kingdom where my ancestors are from.

10. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL AS A STUDENT?

* I took singing vocal class in high school which I really enjoyed, but I had to drop it in my second half of high school due to my mental health which sucked. I also really enjoyed communications class!

11. IF YOU COULD LIVE IN A BOOK, TV SHOW, OR MOVIE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

* This is a tough decision to make. I can’t decide on which one. I’d like to travel to different stories and experience life in them first before making a permanent decision.

12. HOW MANY SIBLINGS DO YOU HAVE?

* I have three half siblings, they are all about a decade older than me. I have two half brothers and one half sister. I don’t see them that often, only at Christmas time.

13. WHAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE?

* I’m not a very adventurous person, so I would have to say just meeting my spirit guides during a meditation and having my spiritual awakening?

14. IF YOU COULD MASTER ONE SKILL YOU DON’T HAVE RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

* Housekeeping and adulting stuff haha. As well as manifesting if you count that as a skill!

15. WHAT WORDS OF WISDOM WOULD YOU PASS ON TO YOUR CHILDHOOD SELF?

* Don’t be so hard on yourself, learn to love and accept your uniqueness and don’t worry about what others think of you. It’s also okay to feel emotions, don’t be ashamed of feeling sad or angry!

16. HOW WOULD YOU SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?

* I wouldn’t haha. I wouldn’t be able to survive in such a place. I don’t think I would want to anyway. I tend to get very affected by apocalyptic stories so I’m trying to distance myself from them more these days.

17. IF YOU COULD ABOLISH ONE PIECE OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

* Nuclear weapons! We don’t need them and they’re dangerous. Peace and love man!

18. WHAT IS YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE?

* Hmm… not sure I have a guilty pleasure. The thing that comes to my mind is comfort food that isn’t good for me, does that count?

19. WHAT WAS YOUR NICKNAME YOUR GRANDPARENTS USED TO CALL YOU?

* I don’t think they had nicknames for me, but my dad always calls me pumpkin.

20. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A TREE JUST FOR FUN?

* I don’t think I ever climbed a tree haha. I wasn’t an outdoorsy kid (by choice).

That’s all for now! I will post more later.

#get to know me #questions #answered #intro post #introductory post #pinned intro #introduction #introducing myself #hello tumblr #who am i #come say hi #spiritual awakening #spirituality #new age

[merymoonbeam]

I don’t think that it would be a lot of extra work or a huge burden on SJM and BB to put out a random IG post with some very hidden Easter eggs and in the caption a mundane fact about the universe or characters that doesn’t really give anything away.

The fact that she only comes on to sell us stuff or tell us when you can buy something and NO interaction with her fandom, really makes me frustrated with reading her books and being a fan. To be honest I am waiting for the next big book series to sweep me away from this toxic mess.

I don’t think this is an unreasonable ask. One picture. one sentence.

Disappointing 😕

same anon.

tbh I'm done with this fandom after cc3 and elain's book. that's all I care about. I already distanced myself from most sjm fandom. I only answer anons in here and I'm only on twitter for my own enjoyment. I found different things I like so I'm good.

the last two years showed to me that sarah only cares about money. that's all. She turned into "I will write whatever I want and don't even need to promote it because people will buy it anyway" so I'm done after Elain's book. I don't wanna be in a fandom where the author can't do even little things.

there are so many things she can do. I understand her reasons for staying away from social media for mental health and family. but she is not a person who is short on money. she can hire someone to do ig posts for her or write monthly newsletter or something. that's all she gotta do and fandom will be pleased but they are doing nothing and because of that the fandom became so toxic.

#anon ask

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

how do you think napoleons mental health fared at st. helena? obviously he was pretty depressed but i like your take on things

Hahaha oh man. Napoleon on St. Helena.

I mean, he had his good days and his bad, but yeah I would say there is a broad undercurrent of melancholy to him on St. Helena - but how much of that is looking back and knowing what a dismal end it was going to be, it's hard to say. We go to him with things already coloured, to a certain degree, which informs how we assess that time.

The first few years we see him in better spirit than later on. Which makes sense, by 1819/20 he knew he was sick - I don't think he knew outright that he was dying, but he knew he wasn't well. (And Napoleon knew what killed his father and that men in the family did have a habit of dying on the younger side (and he would join their number).)

Being sick and in pain brings out the worst in all people, let alone Napoleon who was not a good patient, to say the least. And being sick does nothing for mental health, worsening an already not great situation.

In addition, the living situation wasn't ideal for many reasons (damp, cold, draughty, limited privacy etc.) and then there were the stressors of being a prisoner, not having freedom of movement in the way he did previously, managing the shifting dynamics of Longwood which were many and complex, being surrounded by people who are here because of you and who all want to leave and are not subtle about it, possible personal recriminations (the acknowledgement that he may be slightly to blame for the situation only comes in later years) so on and so forth.

But yeah, I'm not sure what I have to say on this beyond the obvious and what has been said already by better informed historians than myself.

-

I suppose with Writer Hat On, I would say that I think we can see him beginning to unpack some things that he had held at a distance during Empire when he was performing what he thought an Emperor should be (e.g., Duroc's death, Josephine's death, a few childhood things, various resentments he had etc.). Or if not unpack, certainly look at in more depth than he seems to have done previously.

However, we don't have the minute-by-minute account of him from Empire how we do with St. Helena and so it's really impossible to say this with any grand certainty. It's truly just my idle speculation based on the fact that gods' know he had time and also the brain, when you're finally settled and not rushing around working 16h days, starts to do this thing of allowing you to access memories/feelings/etc. that you might not have been able to recall or look at previously and if you want to you, you can work through them. Napoleon, being Napoleon, likely looked at them then said "back into the mental cabinet with you. If I never think about difficult things or talk about them, it makes them go away, right?"

Napoleon was certainly bitter about his situation on St. Helena and that shows up in some of his pronouncements. It's one of the reasons I'm warry of taking Napoleon's assessments about his feelings towards people from this time too seriously. They certainly may reflect how he felt at that moment, and what he believed for that second, but are they fulsome accounts of his thoughts and views and feelings? Not really.

For example, it's on St. Helena where we get his pronouncement of having loved very few people in his life (and Joseph is one of them). Napoleon dared sit there and say shit like, "I have only ever loved five (5) people in all 40+ years of my life" and Bertrand, who has known him since Toulon, has to nod and go, "uh huh. sure. mk."

(I imagine Bertrand did a lot of staring into the camera during St. Helena, I swear you can practically hear it in some of his journal entries.)

Napoleon: fucking English rewriting stuff in their newspapers, changing it all around, full of lies. Revisionism!

Bertrand: yes. we wouldn't know anything about that would we.

Napoleon: get out.

But, all this said, Napoleon was also a person who tried to rally, even in adverse circumstances of which there was no end in sight. Other than death. So, despite low spirits there were plenty of moments of joy and humour and pleasure to be seen throughout his time there.

It is a fun game to go through and look at his declarations about people and events and they do somewhat align with the good days and bad (i.e., he had some beautiful things to say about Josephine and they're generally captured in the front end of their St. Helena stay, when he was still in good health, and they're on days when like the Balcombes visited and Napoleon was in lively spirits because of it. Granted, Mrs. Balcombe looked like Josephine, apparently, so that I'm sure also jogged some of Napoleon's happier memories).

It's as I said at the top, there were good days and bad. Was he depressed? Likely yes. I mean, once again we can't diagnose the dead, and nor should we. But, if you want my "after three glasses of wine, quick ask Ellis their opinions on dead people" view, Napoleon certainly seems to have been broadly on the depressed side for much of his time there. Was he always in the dumps? No. Absolutely not. But does it seem to be an undercurrent of life for him while on St Helena? Yes, more or less.

-

I hope that answers your question! I'm honoured that you want my opinions on these things and endeavour to try and be balanced, in my own way.

And again, because this is tumblr I feel the need to add the usual disclaimer of: don't psychoanalyse the dead in a professional capacity. If you're reading a work that starts going down that path, engage critically and know that it's all malarkey.

I'm personally responding to asks, providing what I hope are reasonably even-keeled replies, and don't endorse the psychological-analysis approach to history that some historians engage in (i.e., the "let's give everyone various disorders and diagnose them based on extant information which is naturally flawed and, of course, incomplete. Because this seems like a reasonable thing to do" approach).

All that said - thank you for the ask! I do enjoy nattering on about Napoleon. ❤️❤️

#ask #reply #napoleon bonaparte #st helena #napoleon #bertrand #anon

[eloquentmoon]

i am safe. i just need to vent. please do not read this if you are in a bad place.

i am inconsolable right now. i need to calm down, and fast, and so i am writing this post to try and elevate some of the anguish rattling around inside of me. it's absurd how much i am feeling, how much i CAN feel. i genuinely cannot remember the last time that i was this triggered. im so upset and i don't trust anyone in my real life with this, and i have no safe space to express how i feel without some kind of consequence. so here we are. i have to write about this or it's going to destroy me, i can feel it tearing me apart. though it's so difficult to put into words, i am at a point in my recovery in which i need to detach this suffering from who i am and at least try to release it into the world, i need it to fuck off and leave me alone. it's rotting me from the inside out and i can't deal with it. i just can't anymore. fuck. i have been abused since i was eight years old, and i can't write how, or by who, in what way. because i can't bring myself to type the words. but i have been consistently hurt and traumatised and let down by the men in my life, especially those who have held positions of authority. over and over and over. again and again and again. in everyway. and it keeps happening. no matter how i protect my peace or do the work to separate or distance myself, a man will always find a way to fuck with me, to hurt or manipulate or exploit me. to keep victimising me. making me feel small. making me go through something i don't want to be a part of. i don't wanna be hurt. i dont wanna be a fucking victim. i don't wanna be a survivor. i don't wanna be strong. i don't even wanna be at this point. because this is never gonna fucking end, is it? i can't escape it. i will never escape it. every two months or so, something from my past comes back to haunt me. and it's never my fault. and it's never fair. of course not, i was a child. it's not my fault that i was hurt and abused. not my fault that now, my friends think it's cool to send me pics of my abuser when they see him out and about. it's not my fault. that my father is criminal. that my brother is an addict. that i never finished grieving for my dead friends. that i was just kid. not my fault. but it all makes me seethe anyway. i am so angry and frustrated and in despair because if i am not to blame then why does it always feel like my fault? so much bad stuff happens to me and mine in such varied ways, multitudes of shit shows and what's always consistent? that im the only constant. it's me. im a shit magnet. it follows me. the trauma follows me. i am healthy and self aware and i am at a good place in my life and yet - it's always there. always, like a chronic illness that's somehow fucking catching. spreading my misery and misfortune and apprehension everywhere i go. and i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to feel anymore. i don't want to get better to get worse again. it's a fucking cycle and i can't escape it. no one can help. i can't afford decent care. my mental health team is a shit show that are essentially useless. my night terrors are back at full force. and all of that trauma, so intricate and repetitive and sharp, is sitting so weighty and heavy on my chest. and it gets worse every day, with every moment and trigger and relapse. i just feel dread and anguish. i want it to stop. for a second. just a second, some relief please

#i am safe #do not reblog #tw mental health #tw abuse #tw suicidality #dont feel pressured to read or respond or message #ignore if you want #im a bit overwhelmed

[i--antimony]

shabbosposting take 2

one day late, bonus edition: 2022 recap + 2023 goals

listening: I made a playlist of hebrew/yiddish metal and prog so that's been a highlight recently, I really like orphaned land so far

edit: i also have free bird stuck in my head bc we did fake karaoke in my friend's basement on new years eve and my bf put it on and now It Will Not Leave

reading: nothing to be honest ... oops ...

watching: finished Bocchi the rock, extremely charming, sparked joy. I've been rewatching hbomberguy video essays because they are reliable and good to have on in the background

playing: a little more hadesgame, Thinking about disco elysium and w101 but I haven't actually done it

making: I did do some embroidery! unfortunately I was. Very optimistic about how much I would get done over break. I brought it home with me with the intention that I could mail it from here but I am going to definitely have to bring it back with me lol

BONUS: what delights have I experienced?

walking around: kinda minor still, mostly just walking the dog

fellowship: part of why I am Very tired is because I have completely filled my schedule with seeing friends :") so I have really had no time to myself at all which is kinda overwhelming. but it's been really good to see everybody! I just wish I had a little more time to fit everything in and not feel so crammed

deliciousness: did a christmas day brunch at ceruleanvulpine's, super delicious spread with eggs, french toast, bagels, sausage, little cookies...dinner at the bf's place after, lamb and kebab and pesto pasta and just kind of a fun mishmash of different style foods...indian food at a friend's place new years eve...and then new years day brunch yesterday with cold cuts and I made my favorite orzo salad. I made myself a BANGIN sandwich today with the leftovers it was great

goofing, transcendence, amelioration, enthrallment, wildcard n/a

---

general reflection

2022 was kind of a weird and bad year! I spent most of the first half of 2022 dealing with the fallout of Dead Parent Zone, got a bad enough grade in a class that for the first time ever I had to retake it, and grappling with being so far from home for school while also dealing with all that shit. then I took on way too many obligations for the fall semester and shot my mental health in the foot a bit as a result.

there were some good things too, though - I was nervous about how a long-distance relationship would go but it's honestly going so, so well and he's been a real source of joy for me this past year. I did pass my classes even though it was a struggle so I don't have to retake anything again, and I already planned to do less next semester. despite it all I did finish a little art, and I got back into life drawing, and had a lot of good moments with friends. in general I think graduate school has been a good choice for me so far, and as much as I bitch and moan about indiana it's like, Fine,

but actually the people are really good, I have a great support network, and ultimately I think it'll continue to be good. it's really made me appreciate the east coast LOL

2023

as ceruleanvulpine said in their resolutionpost, I wanna make more weird art! in general I want to create more and fill the enthrallment, amelioration, and transcendence delight categories more often. I want to finish this embroidery project (ideally soon), the knitted tank top I did that just needs the straps, scarf for my SO...I'd love to start writing again and play more horn but we'll see

I also wanna listen to more weird music, and invest in actually owning some files, especially for some of the lesser-known bands and through bandcamp and stuff

this past year I definitely fell back into some of my more unhealthy coping mechanisms just to deal with the day-to-day (specifically extreme dissociation), I really want to kind of dial those back again, focus more on existing in Reality and more in each moment, which hopefully will also help with some of the skin picking and other anxious habits that resurfaced. maybe more yoga, maybe re-establishing a meditation process, idk yet but I'll work towards it

I would love to think more about my fashion and how I present myself too, and work on making and tailoring more of my clothing in general

I've been pretty good about being active so I'd like to keep that up, I still can't do a pull-up but maybe this is the year! (lol) I should also start doing some minor exercises for my shitty arthritis toes to keep those okay

a lot of last year was kind of a wash regarding research so I'm really looking forward to refocusing on that and really getting things moving.

finally! I want to get back to tabletop! I miss doing it so much! it fell by the wayside for me because of how busy and overwhelmed I was, especially this past fall semester, but I want to start running and playing games with my pals again.

maybe Too Many things listed here, a little ambitious, but maybe that way I'll be able to hit at least one or two of them :b here's to 2023 and making it better than 2022!

#tuesdayposting #2023

[alarrytale]

I can't decide if Harry is in a better or worse place now regarding his closet. Sure he is so flamboyant and interacts with gay culture much more confidently whereas back in 1D/his early so career he was more subtle and shy about it. But back then he talked more freely about his attraction to men and now every interview feels so scripted. There's the queerbaiting backlash, his stunts getting worse and the growing list of PR girlfriends. But he's got to do stuff like MP, Coachella (very camp), Vogue etc. So I guess it's taking the bad with the good? I understand why he is stunting now, because he is at his peak and wants to make the most of it while he can. He's had a hugely successful album and tour. He's not quite icon status yet. Another 1 or 2 will do it to prove he isn't a 'flash in the pan'. But having said that, I'm so sick of it. I hate that we can't enjoy his content because stunts come with it. I'm looking forward to HS4 but know it's going to be promoted to be about Olivia or Taylor. I'm looking forward to him joining a new fashion house (Loewe?) but Taylor is an ambassador? so more stunts. Other than when he's on tour, the only times we see him is when he is stunting... and sometimes even on tour he is stunting. I'm so tired and feel like I might need to take a step back because it is messing with my mental health. Which is sad because I love him. Part of me wonders if he is 'headline trading' with the British tabloids because they have stories on him and can 'out' him. I noticed that a lot of his stunt content is exclusive to the Daily Mail and they're one of the worst tabloids for outing celebrities. So maybe he is providing them content so they don't out him. I don't know. I'll just be really disappointed if he is still doing this in his mid 30s. I'm not saying he has to CO but at least have an image change. Maybe show there is more to him than just 'dating' women.

Hi anon,

I think most of us have really complicated feelings about Harry right now. Your feelings are valid, and if it's impacting your mental health negatively, it's important to prioritise yourself. If this means taking breaks from fandom or Harry, then do that. You can come back anytime when you're ready.

I think Harry is neither better or worse off with his closet, it's the same as it's always been. The difference is he's gone from being a little bit gay and a little bit straight to being very gay and very straight. For fandom the highs are higher and the lows are lower. As he's grown bigger he's got to deal with more critisism, from both sides. He's playing the Hollywood games more than ever, and now with a smile on his face. He's overexposed and everyone is tired. It's been a long time since we've got a glimpse of Harry the person, the human. He's not relatable anymore and he's distanced himself from his fandom. That has consequences. The ig banter with Joe Lycett was great, but we'd never know about if it weren't for Joe. I'd kill for a 'forgot to turn on the dishwasher' tweet from him. I think things like that would heal the rift and the distance people are feeling towards Harry. It's especially important when he's stunting and people are down about it.

I struggle with the choices he's making and his priorities. I don't understand his goals properly and i hate the means he's using to get there. There are still ways to justify (some of) his actions, so i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm not a solo harry fan, or a fan of his brand, just a fan of him as a person, so i think this all is perhaps different for me than you. I'm able to look past his image (even though he's not giving us much incentive to do so as of late), but i wish his image was different so i could be a fan and not be embarrased to call myself one.

I don't know how long he's going to keep this up for, but i think it's going to become harder for him to balance it all, when he's trying to please everyone like he currently is. It depends on his ambitions and how much of his soul he's willing to sell to get there.

#he's not getting icon status if he continues stunting the next five years #i can tell you as much #harry image #solo harry

[compassionatereminders]

i don't know what i should do but i distanced myself from some people (mentally too) bc I've been overwhelmed with trauma and getting tired of even speaking of it.. so I just say things are fine. I used to speak to one person whom we always shared thoughts with, understood me and what not, that was until their mental health got bad so I didn't really want to speak on my stuff to overwhelm ofc and offered support. we don't speak daily but we reply to each others messages whenever we can which became the norm.

the person did come across someone and got along with. they started dating within a few weeks and moved together. its been over a year they are and seems very happy. now, i already have some issues with people leaving or some kind of change occurring, which i noticed slowly, on top of that I can admit I feel toxic, in the sense of jealously. for context, ive never been in a relationship or anything. do I want to? Ofcourse. I think I deserve to be feeling loved. It never really bothered me until last year, its like my life was crumbling down and everyone was getting what they wanted, happiness, wishing I could as well.

ive never dealt with this emotion of jealously before, i just for some reason never cared and got on, but for some reason it hitting me more, maybe bc I'm slowly giving up on many things, even finding love.

this person has been someone who i would share my mind with (it was reciprocal) but ofc bc of things i couldn't anymore. I guess I couldn't share it with anyone so it felt bottled up, however I did share before of a friend who got in a relationship and doesn't even put effort in friendships.

anyways, once they got into one we still spoke. but I noticed a difference, they wasn't sharing much of themselves nor partner in the sense of i dont know much of a person he is, just a general overlook. idk I felt we used to speak on these things a lot when they was single so I felt weird how I dont know much of him as I thought. their replies began to get shorter, the time frame of replying back was a month later. we used to do that when times were hard for us, understanding and generally had long messages to send. but as I said, things were far short. So idk a month to send something little was a bit weird.

i also have this fear of friends sharing your personal information with their partners which make me super uncomfortable. I've had it happen before and its just a no. idk, I guess that stops me from sharing anything now bc maybe theyd do the same.

i guess I did notice a shift and whenever I do, I always distance myself. It is what it is. I feel incredibly alone and I feel like a negative person to be around with bc of these feelings I have inside. And I can see theyre happy and I dont want to make then feel uncomfortable with how I am feeling.

I sent a message at one point, addressing my mental health only. I wasn't fit to even speak, it was be unfair if I didn't respond at all so I said how things are quite rough so I won't speak for a while, it wasn't a goodbye but just I dont have the energy for things anymore. They respected how I felt and hoped things went well for me.

Its been 6 months and I haven't spoken to them. They posted on social media which I wished them happy birthdays and so, as they did for me. They say they pray for me things go good and I become happy. Which I appreciate. Normally I always wish them new years First, like every year but last year I did not. Partly bc I felt super depressed and also bc I dislike how I am always the one who says things first. After ages, they did wish me a happy new years message which was nice for once not being first too. However this year nothing so far, and I'm contemplating whether I should shoot a message right now.

It did make me feel a way when they kept mentioning, "so anything happening in ur love life?" Its like no, there never has. I guess I felt like things were being shoved in me so whenever I responded I would just be trutjful and say I dont see it happening and I'm okay with that. Which would say wait for ur time itll come. I understand when people say that but as a person who's been alone all my life that message doesn't help at all. It feels tiring to hear this constantly, I've waited for 25 years, I've waited enough, so please. I guess these little things made me feel bitter about them too, once I felt like it was shoved lowkey in my face I can't remember what exactly but like oh haha I dont have to worry about that now I have someone or something, which irked me. So yeah.

I have always appreciated having them in my life, our only form of contact is texting since we met online. We have been together some rough shit and have were there for each another too, also happy times too. But idk I guess I noticed a difference and it just made me step back.

I do feel sad bc I liked speaking with them, but I guess every since someone they came across they've just become private. And i guess I don't have much to speak about then. I'd rather not trauma dump bc I'm sick of my own shit too, but I just don't know what to do . I even thought maybe we should keep in contact here and there (not regularly as we used to) but I don't know what to do. I feel conflicted.

Okay I'm just gonna be completely honest with you, with the risk that it'll be a bit tough to hear. Because what I read is that YOU chose to distance yourself, YOU stopped sharing your life with this person, and then YOU said YOU didn't want to talk to them and didn't get back in touch. And now you're using the fact that the relationship didn't work out as proof that no one will ever actually care about you. And that's bullshit. And I get that there's trauma, and jealousy and insecurities and that you are not in this pattern on purpose, but what seems to be happening here is that YOU took a step back for whatever reasons, and then you used the fact that the relationship changed accordingly to you keeping your distance and asking for a break as proof that no one actually cares and no one ever will. And I have been there, and I have been in similar patterns. But it's bullshit. And it's toxic. Because this is not a story of a friend betraying you. This is a story of you sabotaging a friendship and then using the fact that it didn't last as proof of your insecurities. And that's something YOU need to work on if you want to feel better.

#chat with kat #negativity tw #paranoia tw #self hatred tw

[bangtann-bangdamn]

Omg! Nooo don’t worry about regular updates or anything! You focus on you! I highly recommend a hiatus omg I feel much better! It was lovely to not have to worry about posting and then being judged on my work and focusing on just that. It was taxing 😅

But taking some time and stepping away and then coming back rejuvenated is SO good!

How have you been? Are you still in the UK?

Oh I bet, but my fear with going officially on hiatus is that I just won’t come back 💀

But I know what you mean. My problem is that I like writing to deadlines, I actually thrive with a little pressure. It’s just I’ve had too many pressures recently that writing has taken a backseat. Which is why I’m so happy with myself for actually making time to write again today. It’s not enough for me to feel comfortable posting, but it’s definitely a great step in the right direction.

Other than all the mental health stuff I’ve had recently, I’m great! I didn’t end up moving to japan in the end - that’s partially because of the mental health stuff but also because I landed a steady well paid (well, more than I’ve ever earned before anyway) job that’s walking distance from my house. Which also enabled me to learn to drive (and buy my car - add that to the list of things I thought I would never do 😂). I still want to go to japan, but I think it might have to be as a tourist rather than to relocate - I just don’t think I have it in me to be an English teacher anymore 🙃

How have you been?

#ask kate #kate answers

[why-hello-othello]

Okay self indulgent personal post about everything going on in my life rn because I literally have no one irl to talk to about this. Advice is welcome

———————-

Okay so I’m American and my bf is British. We met while I was studying in England and now that I’m on break for the summer I had to go back home so we’re doing long distance for now. I will be back in England at the end of the year though. So anyway my bf is someone who needs a lot of alone time and I really don’t like I’m fine either going out or staying in. Anyway things were going great for us, he’s my first bf and I’m his first gf so we had that special connection. He had a lot of personal stuff going on in his life very early in our relationship and I was by his side through all of it and helped him a lot during that time. Which I considered myself lucky to be able to do because I love him a lot and I want to support him through thick and thin.

Well now that we’re long distance everything has changed. He was alright the first couple of weeks but in the past week or so he’s done a complete 180 to the point where I don’t even recognize him. My bf is someone who is often overlooked by his friends and never treated as a first choice, and he’s told me that I’ve helped him realize his worth. But recently he’s been treating me the exact same way that his friends treated him which always used to be so hurtful to him. I’m going through a very hard time in my life rn, a lot of family issues plus my mental health is so bad i go to bed every night praying I won’t wake up in the morning. And I was looking to him for some support for this and he says he cares but he doesn’t do anything to show it, that’s for sure. So I’m left feeling completely alone plus I am trying to save this relationship and support his needs.

I texted him and told him how I felt and he just leaves me on read the whole day and if I type a paragraph to him he will barely acknowledge anything I said. He says he’s feeling confused and burnt out and I get that but like that’s really not an excuse to treat me the way he has been. I see him up all night talking to his friends on discord but he barely sets aside any time to talk to me. Which clearly he could make more time for me if I was a priority to him. But I’m not.

He says that he doesn’t miss me nearly as much as he thought he would which obviously hurt me a lot. Last weekend he told me not to text him as much because he was exhausted but he said not to worry because he didn’t want to break up. But then like literally a couple days later he said he’s thinking of breaking up with me but he can’t make up his mind. Now from my perspective this would absolutely destroy me because I can’t deal with a devastating breakup when I’m in such a fragile mental state. He says he just doesn’t have the time to focus on being in a relationship when he has a lot of other things in his life, but I’m so confused because literally nothing in his life has changed since I left. And when I was still there he could do everything else and still prioritize me.

Idk I’m just feeling like he used me to cure his loneliness for a while and now that he decided he doesn’t need me anymore he’s just throwing me away like trash. He said if we do break up he still wants to be close to me but I told him that’s not gonna happen from my end. To me it just seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I’ve been putting all my feelings aside to accommodate his needs and even that’s not good enough for him. When we talk it’s clear he’d rather be doing anything else. We called tonight and he just seemed like I was forcing him to do it, you could just tell he didn’t want to be there. Then he literally just said bye and hung up on me out of the blue which was really rude honestly and then he got mad that I was upset by that. Anyway I would never treat him the way he’s been treating me and I want to save this relationship so desperately but idk if it’s even worth fighting anymore or if I should just stop putting in the effort and let the inevitable happen.

#personal