#i think all my friends hate me and ive been feeling like that for awhile too so it is not helping im too difficult and weird and boring | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

haerni · 10 days

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OH MY GOD, “who is he? ”

summary: feels like you’re fallin’ deeper & maybe you’re going crazy, right? does he want you or not? he’s so confusing!

ft. park sunghoon (based on ‘OMG’ by newjeans!)

content: fem! reader, tooth-rotting fluff, a lil bit of hurt comfort, sunghoon is that confusing guy, mutual pining, reader is a bit embarrassing i think? sunoo your support system! 1.8k words

— very very minimal proofread and editing bc ive only done this in one sitting (help me).

( 🍃 ) notes: this took me so long omfgsbks but here we are with my very first content on this blog, please be nice TT sunghoon might be ooc saur.. theres that! can u tell i love sunoo, i have to sneak him in. maybe the story will jump for awhile so sorry for that also.

you've probably liked PARK SUNGHOON for almost half of your life.

ever since he sat with you at the swing from the park you used to go to when you were kids and offering his own comfort when you were crying on that day, to this day forward when he offers his shoulder for you to cry on.

he never questions the reasons behind your cries, he never pushes and all he does is sit there and offer you whispers of solace that you take to heart.

because your best friend wouldn't want the worst for you.

because all he does is care for you.

and maybe—just maybe—you hate him a little for it, for doing things that make your heart flutter, for simply just touching your hair and pulling you closer hoping that it will quell the sadness that consumes you. or when he would walk with you home after his practice despite being tired and run down to the bones, he would never miss a day. or when he would call you such sweet things like you are together when you aren't.

or when one time he heard through jay how someone was making passes on you and disgusting comments about you, he comes home with a bruised lip and wounded knuckles. he refused to let you see him, not until you forced your way to his room with the first aid kit his mother let you borrow, because he also wouldn't let her treat him.

or when you can't even pretend to be okay in the sea of bodies in a party and he notices right away. he drags you by your hand and drags you out of the party without a care for anyone. he only tells you that he hates the party and would rather eat out in a convenience store nearby.

he holds your hand tightly, you knew that night you loved park sunghoon more than you could ever imagine.

a decade into your friendship, you fell in love with your best friend, park sunghoon.

you did your best to hide it, to keep these emotions at bay and lock away into the very bottom of your heart. you swallow the bubbling feeling in your throat whenever he's close. you did your very best to preserve the relationship the both of you built together. even if all you wanted was just ruin it and become something more.

loving park sunghoon was easy, it was easy as the breeze that touched your hair, it was easy as falling into a routine of living and looking forward to days when he's with you. the prospect of loving sunghoon comes naturally and you don't know how to stop it. it just grows more everyday and suddenly you find yourself in garden of flowers blossoming in your heart, so much that's its starting to flow out little by little and you're slipping, you're heart is becoming unguarded, the walls you've spent all your life building is chipping away slowly.

it's becoming suffocating, it's hard to breathe around him.

the passing touches, the stolen glances and brief silence has been occurring more and more.

it's only a matter of time, before someone catches on. unfortunately, that time is right now.

"what's with you and sunghoon, lately?" your friend, sunoo asks, "did you guys have a fight?"

a second passes before you answer him, "we did not. why do you ask?"

sunoo sits closer to you and puts his face on his palm, "you have been avoiding him."

you stopped, "no, i'm not."

"it's lunch and you're sitting here with me in the library, working on an assignment that's not due until next week, when you usually never miss eating when he comes by our room to eat with you." he pointed out.

too specific. were you that predictable? and when you don't answer sunoo realizes something. when his eyes widen too much for your comfort that's when you interject from whatever train of thought he had.

"or maybe—"

"i don't know what you are talking about, sunoo."

"you're avoiding him.."

"i already told you, i'm not—!"

"sure, keep telling yourself that." sunoo snorts at that, "i know you like him and not how a best friend should."

you can't breathe again, you were absolutely done for. because sunoo was right, he got the answer right and you couldn't find it in yourself to quip back at him. you can't find it in yourself to deny and brush it off, because it's simply not real, it's not what your heart is telling you. maybe, that was your last straw.

maybe that was all it needed for you to let out your heart just for once and face the reality.

you don't want sunghoon as a best friend.

the realization hits harder when someone utters it out, because you have lived all your life hiding and suddenly, it pours out like rain after a long unending drought.

now here you are. in the porch of your house under the moonlight with you encased in sunghoon's arms, because you were stupid enough to go out and try to forget about him, to go see other people and hope that you can lose all these feelings you have for him. it didn't, maybe it never will. a boy, somehow he's the same height and stature as sunghoon it was enough for you to agree for a dinner out.

it was stupid to begin with. you didn't even know this guy's name (you can't even bother to remember). because while you sat there and tried to engage with him, your mind drifted far on how he does not have the same moles as sunghoon, he does not make you laugh like sunghoon does, maybe he would've took you out to that ramen place you always go to after a long day instead of this fancy restaurant that you don't even know. quite sure enough that guy only talked about himself, you didn't listen.

"so are we going?" he gives you an all-knowing smile and as you try to turn him down a voice comes in.

"she's not going with you." you look behind, and there he stands one hand in his pocket wearing a white button-up shirt that you haven't seen before, a cold gaze accompanying it and his hair done all too perfectly—like he was on a date.

"hey! who do you think you are?" sunghoon ignores him as he offers his hand to you. tilting his head in question. you did not hesitate to grab it. it's almost a curse for him to know when you need him the most.

you can feel the heat rising up in your body as he intertwines both of your hands and gives it a squeeze.

he brings you home, like how he promised your dad when you were sixteen.

you bite your lips in hopes of suppressing all the emotions running down on you. but you can't really do that in front of sunghoon, can you?

you broke down.

and sunghoon was there—it was enough. it was enough for everything to pour out.

"i'm tired, hoon." his arms tighten around you, burying his face to your hair, almost as if he's kissing it in comfort.

you're tired? is it because of that guy? should he beat him up? you wouldn't like it anyway, so he erase the thought. park sunghoon has never hated anyone more than that jerk right now. he curses that stupid guy who made you like this.

"i hate you park sunghoon."

"you don't mean that."

you don't.

"i really really hate you." you were probably the worst to utter such words to him. to your best friend, to sunghoon out of all people. but you can't stop. "you're so stupid, stupid."

it takes him back, he didn't expect for you to be mad at him. he's silent for a moment as he continues to hold you like you're going to disappear.

"how am i stupid, baby?" there he goes again with those stupid nicknames.

you refuse to look at him, burying your face to his nape. and when you don't answer he talks for you.

"do you hate me that much for you not to look at me?" you really hate park sunghoon.

he sighs at the lack of your response. he sighs before he turns his face closer to your ear, "what am i gonna do, baby? you hate me, but i like you so much."

what? what the fuck?

that makes you widen your eyes processing what he just said as you sit up straight and facing him. and it makes him laugh a little, he probably shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. not when you're this adorably looking at him like you can't believe it.

"don't joke about things like that park sunghoon!"

wow, using his government name? "you don't believe me?" you don't answer. "why do you think i came to that awful restaurant wearing this shirt?" you knew it was new, you've never seen him wear it.

"because you want to fit it?" you answer.

"that too," he laughs, "and because you didn't eat lunch with me, you didn't walk home with me. i heard from sunoo, that you were out with someone and you didn't dress up because of me. you were on a date and it wasn't me. you were avoiding me, baby."

he looks at you and it hurts because both of you are a fucking idiot. all this time, sunghoon liked you.

park sunghoon likes you.

"how long?" and you can't help it, you have to know.

he thinks for a second, "hm.. since when you were on that swing? i thought you were pretty." he smiles so easily.

oh my god.

you buried your face once more, not really knowing what to do, because for the longest time you thought you were the only one feeling this way.

but sunghoon understands, he continues to talk, "jay thinks i'm obsessed with you. he's not wrong, you know? you don't have to say anything right now, i know you're having a har—"

you kissed him. park sunghoon is really an idiot. how can you not like him? how can anyone not even like him? he's so stupid. sunghoon's eyes widen a bit, but melts into your touch as quickly.

god, was this really happening? please don't ever wake him up if this is a dream.

you pulled away for a breather and he reached for another one causing you to block his lips with your hand.

feeling the blood in your cheeks, flustered as sunghoon kisses your palm instead. his hand coming up to yours to remove it.

"can i kiss you again?" you were going to die, "please?" you're sure of it.

"no!"

sunghoon laughs at that. you can't feel it, but his cheeks are really hurting now from smiling. maybe one day you'll let him kiss you more, but for now this is enough.

he has loved you almost all of his life.

𖹭 likes and reblogs are highly appreciated! i hope he is not too out of character :')

#sunghoon x reader #enhypen x reader #park sunghoon x reader #enhypen sunghoon x reader #enhypen sunghoon #sunghoon imagines #enhypen #sunghoon #park sunghoon #( 🌟 ) HAE created a new post !

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avatarl0v3r · 1 year

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“Navi Can’t Be With Humans”

This is part 2 if you haven’t read part 1 please go back and read so this’ll make sense

Previous Next

Lo’akxFem!humanReader

warnings/notes: 3 month time skip, cussing, Tsireya still being a bitch , time skip happened in part 1 reader and Lo’ak are 16 now, as i said before i picture y/n as black in all my stories w/o mentioning skin tone or hair type but in this story y/n has curly hair (3b-3c)

Taglist 🏷️: @fanboyluvr @owaowaowawa @iloveavatar @mashiromochi @nyotamalfoy @debsworld23 @dioriez @nao-cchi @brookesbizzareadvendture @minkyungseokie @neteyamforlife @arminsgfloll @yeosxxx @uwu-i-purple-you @dakotali

It had been at least 3 months since you seen Lo’ak and all the feelings from the past came back to haunt you, you didn’t realize how much you missed his touch, his smile, the way his tail would slowly wag when he was happy about something, his laugh, the way his eyes would widen in surprise when you showed him something you made or learned, you mostly missed how happy he made you, you excited to visit him your dad made arrangements with Jake just so you could see him, your dad knew how much you cared for Lo’ak maybe even loving him, you’d never admit to that thought that crossed your mind once in awhile.

—

Lo’ak missed you just as much when you left he went back to the Lo’ak that first arrived on the beach of the Metkayina village, he would ignore Tsireya he knew she liked him but he didn’t think she liked him that much to where she would hate you, he didn’t know how to feel when she told him that she hated you.

—

Lo’ak wanted to ask Tsireya about you because he wanted the two of you to be friends.

But that was not Eywas will.

Lo’ak caught up to Tsireya after you left with Max and Norm hoping she liked you, he found her floating on the clear blue waters her face turned to the sun, Lo’ak couldn’t deny she was beautiful, but he wanted you and only you.

When he approached her she smiled at him when he asked the question the mention of your name made her want to get rid of you so she could have her mate without you being in the way “What do i think of Y/n,” she acted as if she was thinking but she knew what she wanted to say “i hate her. i don’t want her back here, she’s a human Lo’ak you should be with your own kind, like me” she looked at him desperately Lo’ak was confused “Like you?” “Yes ive had feelings since i met you and i thought i almost had you, until that little human girl came along and changed everything.”

Lo’ak could only shake his head in disbelief and walked away and thats why he’s here now ignoring Tisreya’s attempts at talking to him from outside the hut, she huffed in defeat and walked away passing by jake on her way.

Jake walks into the hut watching Tisreya’s fleeing figure walking away from the hut, he looks at Lo’ak and sits by him.

“Lo’ak you need to be nice to reya no matter what, she’s the chiefs daughter, we don’t need you ignoring her to ruin the friendship our families have, understood?” Lo’ak looked at his dad annoyed “dad-“ Jake cut him off “understood” Lo’ak rolled his eyes.

“Yes sir”.

You gabbed some clothes for your avatar stuff you'd wear on a daily basis, your avatar had curly hair like you just longer and styled differently, it had the same nose or as close as it could be having the nose of a Na'vi, same shaped eyes, and lips, the height was taller you standing at 5'8 with your avatar stood at 7'3, you smiled down at it as you watch the people get it ready for linking.

You laid down in the link and cleared your mind when you opened your eyes you were in the other link room, you sat up and grabbed the clothes you'd pick out a little bit before.

You walked out the door breathing in the pandora air.

You knew about quartich being out to find Jake Sully and his family this made you nervous not knowing what would happen to Lo'ak and his family. you found norm taking care of Grace's plants still "hey uncle norm we goin to see Lo'ak again today, right?" he turned to you "yea get ready we'll be staying there for a bit, also your parents are coming".

The way to the village was long but still breath taking it was different this time being taller and able to see more things.

When the helicopter landed you hopped out and stood there in the sun your tail lazily swishing behind you, eyes scanning the crowd of people standing around the helicopter fascinated by the strange object, until they land on one familiar face.

Lo'ak.

with tsireya on his arm, smiling, and holding him close as if it would her last time holding him.

lo'ak's face was the complete opposite of tsireya, but you didnt notice you rolled your eyes looked away from him when you both made eye contact and walked away from his line of sight.

"anything you need help with uncle max?" he looked up at you from his crouching position "yea since you're in your avatar can you grab that bag up there in the back, but be careful it has stuff in there we can use to study the animals here" you smiled and nodded.

after getting everything, you needed for the night Ronal showed you to the hut you'd stay in, Ronal didnt know how to feel about you, max, and norm all being there but Jake talked to her and tonowari and explained that they were close friends and loyal to the Na'vi, tonowari understood and convinced her to allow you all to stay there

later that night you were walking on the beach like you did the first night there when you seen lo'ak running towards you.

you turned to him cocking an eyebrow and stopped in front of you and put his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath "so this is your avatar?" you slightly got annoyed "no its my fuckin sister" he put his hands up "i was just asking it looks just like you and has your hair," you laughed at him "and your smile" he said smiling at you.

"god i hope so i-" your words were cut off as you heard rapid footsteps coming towards you and lo'ak and heard the annoying voice of tsireya "lo'ak there you are ive been looking for you everywhere" she said as she grabbed his hand.

your tail flicked annoyingly, and your ears pinned tightly to your head in annoyance, she looked you up and down "why are you talking to her" she said rather rudely as if you weren't standing there.

before lo'ak could respond you spoke up, your voice lacking any emotion "yea you probably have better things to do than talk to me," you brushed passed him "catch you later lo'ak".

and with that you walked back to the village, not evening looking back as you felt lo'aks gaze pierce that back of your skull.

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸

this one’s shorter but next part will be longer bc that’s when i’m going to end this mini series but anyways, thanks for reading lovely’s <3

#avatar #avatar x reader #avatar way of water #pandora #lo’ak #jake sully #neteyam #neytiri #kiri sully #tuk sully #loak x reader #atwow loak #loak x y/n

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twipsai · 5 months

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Do you have any niche takes/ideas that interest you in relation to splatoon stuff? Hyperspecific things you have been stewing on. Cooking, even?

can we talk about the splatband headcanons!??!?!? IVE BEEN DYING TO TALK ABOUT THE SPLATBAND HEADCANONS!!!

i feel like because i joined the fandom so late + i sorta never really interacted with splatbands fandom for awhile after getting into splatoon i sorta dodged a lot of the popular headcanons but like. guys. you HAVE to listen to me. Ichiya and Ikkan are brothers ok. you just have to trust me on this one. (READ THIS IF YOURE INTERESTED) also i just have generally differing opinions about the splatbands relationships and such. h2whoa brother-like childhood friends in my brain ok?

ive also had this weird hyperspecific thing that i think ive talked about a few times, but Nyssa(captain) and Seth(4) have this sort of,,,strange dynamic that i dont see a lot of people fully utilize when talking about Captain and Four. i gave them huge parallels to Judd and Lil Judd for some reason BUT i think that it fits. i think that,,, Four has a huge problem with idolizing the captain at first and also hating them and such. its really interesting to me and im sad i dont see it explored too much (also Seth and O.R.C.A. parallel of being left behindcough who said that)

also generally Tartar and O.R.C.A. parallels in general, something about resentment vs acceptance but i kinda wanna make a comic about this so i dont think ill talk about it too much here heh. but i have a lot of thoughts on the remnants of humanity

in general i think where my own interests/headcanons differ from the norm is im way more interested in how everything connects in these worlds and how all these paths intertwine with each other. like,,,idk how many degrees of separation is ichiya from the nss? probably not that many. its why i think family hcs are so interesting. how are these lives connected to each other?

#also im just generally sorta irked by shipping so i tend to avoid it lol #esp really popular ones i just sorta get annoyed by #except forpearlina like in my head they just Are dating but thats not important. thats not the focus here #this also applies to my love of splatocs that are completely divorced from the nss. its just world building and I LOVE WORLD BUILDING!!!!!#RAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#this is a pretty long response cuz the question wasnt specific enough so i wanted to try to cover most of my bases and what i feel most #strongly about lol

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kaebedom-me · 1 year

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Im not sure if you're open for requests rn but i am so inlove with your stories with the poly bois haha, (youre actually the only one ive seen really write for it and youre also the one who dragged me into liking it so thank you hahaha)

BUT anyways would it be alright if you could write something with childe and kaeya in a modern!college! au where perhaps the gn!reader has been secretly bullied for yknow, taking the two, most sought after, bois in the uni? But the readers stubborn and keeps it to themselves till maybe the bois notice a bruise of sorts or smth? 👁👁

sorry if this was long but have a good day!!

i lOVE this overused trope and aaa I'm so glad you enjoy they!! i think they're the best to this day they're my strongest main :')

if i were reader i'd honestly be thriving and be rubbing it in people's faces like hah sucks to be you bitch

maybe reader is like that uwu i also get that sometimes it's hard to deal with constant mean things being said about you uwu

i kinda see you not wanting to tell childe and kaeya about it because they won't let it slide so easily, they are protective over you after all

also you wouldn't put it past them to not do anything stupid drastic about it so you kinda just keep it on the down low hoping it'd pass you know

but boooy were you wrong, for the sake of plot I'm saying these people are relentless and lifeless and have nothing else better to worry about in their busy college life and the bullying just kept coming LMAO

it started out small, people not wanting to be in groups with you then maybe acquaintances started exclude you from activities the verbal bulling didn't come til after a while

the boys arent stupid they aren't blind and oblivious about it but you never made it out to be a problem so they don't want to risk making you upset by interfering

childe would call out someone for being mean to you though and that usually steers people away for a while

kaeya doesn't try to bully people back but he can't help the things his silver tongue spits out sometimes, ain't no one is gonna disrespect his s/o in front of him

hates that you're bummed about it for a while so will try to make it up to you by bringing you out of dates outside of the town do other uni goers don't see

til one day these high school bullies started to grow some balls, saw that the boys were protecting you a lot and just had to jab at you when they weren't around, some were brave enough to make a passive aggressive comment around them too v rude

i feel? they'd try to interfere like subtly? like want to deter the attention from you but somehow made it worse for awhile HAHHAHAHA

like leaving hickeys on you was not a good idea because you were tripped over by some fucking bitch when they saw it. they even made a comment about how humongous your insect bite was

you'll prolly try to stop them from doing anything weird to you for a while

it really started something when the tripping happened. maybe you still try to be meek about it and hope it'll go away but people are just that free you know? power trip or whatever

they just took it as encouragement and started to corner you while you were going around uni

that's when things became physical enough for childe and kaeya to notice

they'd hate themselves for letting it come to this because you are miserable and they could've done something much sooner and maybe they should've umu

will make you cough up names of the people who have been physically abusive and if you don't they'd be a lil frustrated and disappointed

i see it mostly being like them interpreting it as you don't trust the two of them enough to share your troubles with

they'll think they haven't been attentive enough or maybe they haven't been doing anything to let you know that you can lean on them for support

(but it's actually your brain that's stupid and stubborn umu)

but it's ok because it's time to fix everything so you can be happy again

childe and kaeya have enough friends and intel to know snuff out the morons that's been bothering you

and if it happened to be someone they used to associate with they'll prolly going to be chewed out by kaeya and beat up by childe

i wanna say they gather evidence and send it to the bullies' respective profs but i think they're more the type to settle this on the down low and make people really regret what they've done to you

they do gather evidence and send it school and put the info public to ruin people's lives but that's not until they got their revenge uwu

they type to go and confront the bullies uwu what you can't take what you dish out? childe and kaeya can be even meaner bullies too if they chose to but instead they use their charm for good smh

will scare bitches into never wanting to set foot outside of their room again

but won't do anything drastic enough to draw attention to them, they're better than these people ofc

childe and kaeya can be a very scary combo and you wouldn't want to piss them off. they're both schemers and nasty

one will break your bones while the other would break you emotionally uwu all for shits and giggles because that was what seemed to get them off when it was you

when all is said and done and they've completely ruined your bully's life they'll come back to you for a long talk

wants to know whats up and wants to make sure you don't feel like you have to carry something like this alone again

pampers you a ton

if you're like sdfalfgh about them handling it their way you're gonna have to deal with it because it was the only way

(it wasn't they were just in a bad mood because you were sad)

they'll!! reassure you a ton too!! and talk enough to uncover why you handled it the way you did

they want to be there for you and want you to rely on them for things like these!

also you made them worry a whole fuck ton so you better apologise!!!!!

soft make up and reassurance sex tho :bottom emoji: because you three were really hurt during this time

#oriigirii #idk if you're still into this dynamic but here's your request :3c #angst with happy ending #kaeya x reader #childe x reader #childe x reader x kaeya #somehow i feel like my writings the same but also i feel like it's gotten worse but maybe it's cuz I'm forcing myself to be up #shanna writes

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magnoliamyrrh · 8 months

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I really hate how trauma effected my art. Ive seen many trauma survivors make beautiful art about survival and growth and other really beautiful stuff while i can only make really gross stuff about destruction and hopelessness. I dont like it. Every time i tried to make lighthearted things it didnt feel sincere.

I saw a movie about a disabled person who had an accepting environment and parents who loved him and everyone who heart him learnt from it and became kind to him and he grew up happily. It was around the time my story was really shapping up and i was even starting to be proud of it. But after watching that movie i felt so gross. That story actually gave hope to people but the only thing people will get from my stories is a small echo of my trauma. My brain is too clpuded by pain in order to create anything else. It makes me feel like a bad person. Did you ever go trough something like this?

heyo dear <3 yea i really do get what youre saying. my best friend some weeks ago was saying i need to put my art and writing and ideas out there and it send me down this same spiral, and its still something im struggling w tbh.. it makes me feel like maybe ive got nothing to add but my hopelessness, dispair, endless entrapment and contemplation of pain and sadness and doomfullness and trauma to this world... at least, most of it seems to be that, or it seems at best a fixation on trying to find some sort of grim, melancholic beauty in the rot. and whats the point, when theres already so much of that in the world..? and its made me feel like a bad person too, bc it just further reminds me im not that "ideal" trauma survivor

but. ive been trying to look at it other ways too. i think theres value in your writing and art if it comes from sincerity, and i think theres value in art which is depressing and doomful if its real and from the soul about it

i think it can provide a comfort for people who are much like you and i, at least, i always found that sort of art did.... if anything, while everyonce in awhile i appreciate a movie like the one youre speaking of, theres also many (most times) when even if i find it sweet, i find it.... harder to connect to, harder to resonate with, harder to care about. its nice and all, but i guess i tend to gravitate twoards art which makes my pain feel understood, seen, like someone else out there gets it, feels it too... and i think there really is just as much importance in that sort of art being out there as there is in that more positive side of it i guess ....... kinda like how i find comfort in even you sending this message, you know? you didnt write me some sort of hopeful thing, and yet, its both nice and sad just knowing someone has had these same thoughts and feelings running through their head and struggles w this too

... and.. maybe it doesnt seem like it to you at times, but i think in the first place writing a story, working on it putting it out there is in and of itself able to give ppl hope. bc its making something out of your pain and trauma, using it in some way, channeling it; hell, managing to get stuff out there despite feeling bad and traumatized - thats something

... and really on top of that, havent so many of the great pieces of literature of this world Been that anyway? doom, melancholy, lements, depression feeling haunted trauma endless problems endless tragedy with seeminly no resolution a general feeling of doom and dispair, clearly heavily influenced by these authors own shit.... and yet, they are read by so many people so many times, for both their artistic quality sure, but their relatabilty and realness too, their rawness, so that we can sit with something which understands. if you feel like your story and your writing is all doom and dispair you wouldn't be the first one for sure; plenty of great writers kept that going for decades

...

you cant and shouldnt force art, it should come from the soul. if right now this is how it is bc youre not feelijg or doing better, then it is how it is and it still has value.... and maybe one day, and i really hope so and wish so for you, you'll be better, yea? you will feel more healed, more hopeful, more at peace, in less pain, less tired deep down. and maybe then, your art will change and reflect what you will be feeling inside moreso, you will be making more of that art which feels more hopeful abt things... but until then, i rly think its still worthwhile and meaningful to keep working on what you've been working on <3 its what ive been trying to tell myself too

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some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too · 1 year

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hey i would love to see what characters you pair me with. i haven't really been in the fandom or considered who i would work with best for awhile so i'm curious to see if it's changed since i was younger.

okay so my name is leo, im sixteen, im a junior in highschool. i identify as a gender-fluid gay guy (i like men and use he/him pronouns). i have golden-reddish (it's a strange color) hair down to my chest although i want to get it cut/get layers in it soon. i have green eyes. i wear glasses that are thick-rimmed and nerdy. i have naturally long eyelashes. i have a very square jaw and pale skin. i have random dark freckles on my arms here and there. im 5'6. my style is literally all over the place but usually im either in sweatpants and a sweatshirt (either a purple rhett and link one or a beige on with different colored pickles on it) or a graphic tee shirt, jeans, and a denim or leather jacket.

personality wise well i like to think of myself as a pretty creative person. i try to find meaning in the mundane in my life. im not religious although i do enjoy tarot and crystals. i have always had a problem with building myself around other people. ill get addicted to certain friends to fill a void in me that thinks people need to save me/fix me. this doesn't work because it leads me to be very codependent and when people leave me (which they can! it's natural. nothing lasts forever) it totally messes up my self esteem. so im trying to build that self love and develop better relationships with other people.

i like art and writing, fall out boy, the outsiders, good mythical morning. i like learning about LGBTQ history, especially the aids crisis. im currently reading a book on it right now called "and the band played on." my favorite foods is shells with cheese. i like good friends and people that i can connect with on a deeper level. i like when people i talk to have lives that don't revolve around me. i also enjoy surrealist sculpture. i really enjoy felix gonzalez-torres's work. i like all sorts of different types of music. lately ive been very into folk, 80s new wave, and 2000s pop punk/emo.

i dislike terfs and transphobes and homophobes and things like that. i absolutely loathe loud chewers. i have a mental disorder called misophonia and so the sounds of chewing trigger me and trigger my fight or flight. it's absolutely horrible. i hate stupid people. i don't like peanut butter. i hate when people make aids jokes. i hate not feeling included or hated. i care a lot about my image and i hate when it looks bad.

i like to make art and write poetry. i listen to a lot of music, even though i can't make any. for art, i like working with graphite pencil and colored pencil the most, but i work with all different things in class. im in advanced arts classes at school. i auditioned when i was in middle school and now im gonna take ap art next year. for poetry, i usually write in free verse about personal things. i have a livejournal i post on sometimes. i run a poetry/art magazine club at my school where people can share things they've made.

i think that covers pretty much everything! sorry for how insanely long this is. i hope that sums up myself pretty well. i try to be myself. just yourself be if weird is you.

i think i’d match you with dallas! i’m a firm believer that dally has a very soft side so i think he’d love to both our little braids in your hair and to draw on your arms. he would love if you drew him. i could imagine you sitting on dally’s bed in bucks place while he’s leaning out the window smoking a cigarette. then you’d start making little sketches of him. once he notices he’d start flexing his muscles and posing n stuff.

there you have it hope it’s alright!

#the outsiders matchup #the outsiders #dallas winston #ponyboy curtis #darry curtis #sodapop curtis #johnny cade #steve randle #two-bit mathews

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soliyl · 1 year

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im going to be closing my comms indefinitely

in the past year, ive drawn about five times (forgot to post them here lol, i will tomorrow). this isn’t super uncommon, ive been pretty bad about drawing consistently for awhile now. i think a big part of the problem is the fact that ive had comms open. i first opened them in 2016 (jfc) and ive steadily drawn less and less frequently since then.

even though literally no one ever commed me (besides a couple friends, and in 7 years... sheesh), just having them open put me in this mindset toward my art. it had to be “marketable.” it had to be good enough for someone to see and say “i want to spend money and get something similar.” i haven’t drawn something just to draw in a really long time. everything i make, it has to be to a certain standard. it has to be worth something.

it stopped being fun. i stopped drawing for fun.

im like, in desperate need of money, too. im in a really bad spot in my life and doing comms for some cash would be great. but when i think about it, i don’t even want to do comms. if someone genuinely tried to commission me rn i would not enjoy it, even if their request is fine. i hate the idea of forcing myself to monetize what used to be a hobby. i hate the idea of anxiously working on it and being unsure if im making it worth the customer’s dollar. i seriously just want to like art again. i want to sketch again, fuck’s sake. i literally don’t sketch anymore, i try to make a polished product right away every time.

the decline in art frequency became more steep when i started posting on twitter, too. posting on multiple platforms, desperately trying to get attention. spending hours and hours on each piece and only getting a few likes here and there. disappointed the algorithm didn’t favor me, disappointed in my art for not being good enough to catch the appreciation i craved.

im going to go back to using tumblr as an archive for my art. i’ll keep tossing it up on twitter, too, just because i participate in xiv art parties sometimes. but im done trying to market myself. i don’t want to claw my way past other people all screaming “look at me!” and also be saying “please look at me.” from now on im just going to draw when i feel like it. if it sucks, that’s fine, who cares? im not trying to sell myself anymore.

#solspeaks #not art #long post #even though this feels good #and i feel like i want to draw again after making this choice #i feel conflicted because i really do need money #what can i do if not try to sell what little skills i have?#as i said before no one ever commed me and no one was probably going to any time soon #so it's not like im saying no to money anyway #i just...#well #i may not know what im going to do financially #but i do know that my art is not going to be it #it's kind of funny how much the grindset affected my motivation #literally no one commed me LMAO but i psyched myself out over the CONCEPT #dude i hate capitalism i hate the monetization of hobbies #my art is for ME again starting now!!!#this is so cringe bc it was literally all in my head

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surveysonfleek · 1 year

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1664.

When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? literally 2020, i ordered a clay kit during lockdown and made this weird pen holder lol

Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? i thoroughly enjoy it. im a sucker for an art gallery. i dont understand ‘all’ art but its still fun to check out

If you had to choose would you prefer dull pain for 12hours or sharp for 2? dull pain

Koala or Kangaroo? koalas are way cuter

Do you know the words to the national anthem of your country? yes

Is your country ruled by a president, prime minister, queen or other? pm

Does blue occur in your national flag? yes

Talking of flags. Do you like football/soccer? If yes, do you play and what position? no... hot take but i think soccer is so boring to watch

Would you rather be a Model, Famous Scientist, Singer or Chef? singer

Would you rather be a pilot, crime scene investigator or estate agent? pilot i think!

Does making others happy really make you feel happy? yes! it certainly makes me feel good, thats for sure

What colour literally doesn’t appear in your wardrobe at all? i think i should at least own one of each colour in my closet bit i guess i rarely wear yellow

Do you actually read the answers others give to your surveys? i dont make surveys

Did you ever swear at a teacher in school? Why? nah

Have you ever pricked your finger on Holly or another ‘sharp’ plant? yea, probably

Speaking of Holly, do you adore Christmas or does it bug you? i enjoy xmas but i really hate consumerism and the tradition my family and my partner’s family has with giving semi expensive gifts. i feel pressure to have to give them something back just as expensive ugh

Have you ever wrote your own short story? What about a novel? Or perhaps you started and couldn’t finish? only for school

Do you prefer SciFi/Fantasy/Action/Horror or Rom/Com/RealLife? i have a really short attention span so its been awhile since ive sat down and watched a ‘serious’ movie. the most recent movie i watched was a romcom

What do you have a lot of faith in [note: can be anything]? idk sadly

Think of a material thing you want. Name it here (material, made or bought). Would $100/60 be enough for this item? How about $1000/600? i want a new iphone. i think they go for like $1500ish

Would you rather have a big house, a lot of kids or a high flying job? high flying job as long as im happy with it

Have you ever been to a creepy/haunted/abandoned place? What did it look like and what were the circumstances? no, im too much for a scaredy cat to do that What’s your favourite dip? french onion

Chocolate Cookies or Fudge Brownies? brownies

I give you a little baby puppy. What do you name him? oh man, idk. id be spending a lot of time thinking of a name

Is crime a big problem in your area? not really tbh

What’s your town/city most well known for? white people lmao Do you know a Jack? What’s he like? How about a Lisa? What’s she like? i dont know any jacks personally. or lisas haha.

Are most your friends older, younger or the same age as you? theyre all around the same age

Do you subconsciously hang out with those with the same star sign as you or as each other, perhaps due to certain personality traits? haha no

Name 5 objects that you don’t have but would like right now? a new phone, new clothes, a handbag, a new car and more candles. i basically just need an upgrade of everything i currently have

When you have children, would you like twins? my partner wants twins sooooo badly. id be happy to have them but defs fine with one baby too hah Do you know any twins? If so, what are they called? i work with a twin, idk her brother’s name

If you were given the choice to choose your child’s gender, would you? id choose a girl first

What instrument would you love to learn how to play? piano properly

Does the sound of knocking/tapping startle you? yes

What’s the scariest story/urban legend/creepypasta etc you heard? haha i really cant think of any from the top of my head

Do you miss someone currently? yasss

When was the last time you were in hospital? What for? i forgot! which is a good thing

When was the last time you went to the dentist? last year

Do you get along well with your family doctor/your doctor? pretty well. which reminds me, i need to grab a script soon

What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? i think were all pretty good listeners

#surveys #survey #quiz #bored #questions

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yeonola · 2 years

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MALE Y/N x MALE HYBRID

Pure

Yall I just wanna say i am so sorry for this but there isnt any other character who would do this specific thing, M SORRY.

warnings: pee (STOP I ALR KNOW ITS BAD IM SORRY just give it a chance, just wait.😭😭), consensual non-consent, innocent, corruption, cock warming, dacryphilia and edging.

Once again i fr do apologise for one scene like js hear me out i beg, ive been rly wanting to write this scene for a while JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE😕 It wont be that bad😁

________________MINORS DNI 18+________________

It had been a while ever since I took in this hybrid, a month to be exact, he gets along with all of my friends and they all love him too. He is extremely clingy and his favourite question that he somehow picked up from our english lessons is, ‘When are you coming home?’.

Trust me, I never taught him that.

I finished folding mine and his clothes as he was peacefully taking a nap on the sofa.

He looked like an angel as he slept. But we all know that its cliche for him to turn out to be a hot mess in bed. Not exactly.

Along with the talking lessons, I also give him what he calls his ‘special lessons’.

I introduced him to a few things that he wanted to be let in on at the dinner we were having with my friends.

During his ‘special lessons’ he would often be open to trying new things out, but on the occasion he would be slightly scared. He knows his safe words and what his limits are so far.

One day he asked me if it was normal to do ‘stuff’ in his slumbers. I said no but as long as he gives consent then its usually okay. He nodded happily and said he would want to try that out.

Well its definitely a thing…to do something with consent but make it seem like there is no consent included. I did think about it for quite a while, contemplating if its actually a thing thats okay to do.

Before bed he always says goodnight and slips in ‘you can do it!’ then cheekily runs away.

Maybe I just might try this out now. I walked over to the lounge and peered over the sofa that he slept on for his daily naps.

His faced was scrunched in what seemed like discomfort. Like he was having a bad dream, I was tempted to wake him but it would end up failing. He hates being woken in his sleep and will sometimes purposely ignore you just to get that extra but of sleep he needs.

I walked around the comforter and sat in front of him. He must be having some thoughts, that most definitely explained the visible print that shown through his pyjama pants.

I lifted up his shirt as he looked a little bloated. A small pouch just near his hips.

Thats why he looks so uncomfortable. He needs to pee but I assume he’s too deep in his sleep for that… What should I do?

I laid my head and arm on his stomach. I closed my eyes and got a little more comfortable on his stomach.

That was until I felt a warm liquid slowly pool around his crotch.

My eyes widened, I wont lie, I was pretty mesmerised. This is very weird though, he should be awake by the wet feeling…

I decided to be daring and pressed down on his stomach even harder. He whined and groaned lazily in his sleep.

Pulling down his boxers and pyjama pants, his leaking cock stood proud, his piss continuing to dribble out of him.

I wrapped my hand around his length, his dick twitching in response. Slowly but surely I began to stroke him as my other hand laid on his lower stomach and continued to press down.

Every now and then he would let out small but needy moans.

His eyes were fluttering after awhile, almost as if he wanted to come out of his slumber just to feed into you.

I flicked my wrist and rubbed over his tip with my thumb, he was starting to shake, nearing to his orgasm.

I removed my hand from his dick, “Please, carry on..I liked it.” his eyes were open and his cheeks were extremely flushed.

“Why am I wet?” I smiled as he sat up.

“You had an accident. Come sit, ill finish you off,” I sat beside him and watched him place himself on my lap.

Maybe I should edge him today…I grabbed his cock and he flinched slightly. As i stroked him, he was beginning to grind on my lap, causing me to become hard as well.

He moaned as he tried to get himself off on my clothed thigh as well as using my hand. “Lift up.” he whined and hovered over my thigh whilst I unbuttoned my pants and took out my dick.

I put two fingers in his mouth and used that to lube his ass so he wouldn’t be going through much pain.

I guided his hips down onto my cock so that he could just sit there.

He got quite restless just sitting there and not having any movement, he moaned and whined each time i flicked over his sore pink nipples.

“Y/n I need more, please move!” he whinged and began trying to move himself up and down but I steadied him with placing my hands on his hips.

“I will allow you to move when you learn to be patient to get your pleasure.” he has already came a few times and he was pretty worn out.

He moved around a little and there he came again.

I heard sniffling from him as i couldnt see the front of him. I continued to rub his dick until he truly couldn’t take it anymore.

“Y/n p-please its too much, help me!” he sobbed and whined. It was getting a bit much for me too so i decided to do something about it.

I got him on his knees with his hands dug into the comforter. I thrusted into him slowly, each one easily making him cry even harder.

Soon enough I was pounding into him, hitting his g-spot making him basically scream.

I felt my upcoming release as the sound of his cries, moans and our skin slapping together echoed through our walls. His insides squeezing around me making my climax come even further.

Clear cum was pooling out of him, obvious that he was finished and fully ‘emptied’ out.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I came inside of him. Pulling out of him and watching the small trail of cum that it left behind after pulling out. He collapsed onto the sofa and sniffed.

Coming down after all of that…he certainly wasn’t as pure as before.

ONCE AGAIN I AM SO SORRY. (My motivation to write this during the end went so downhill sorry it was rushed)

I would feel robbed if i were u, i missed out chunks😭 sorry im too tired

#ynn #irl things #hybrid #pee kink #dacryphilia #blowjov #corruption #innocence #pure land

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browneyes-issac · 1 year

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Hellos everyoneee! 💞🥰👋

Random question time under the cut.. 🤣 makes the post look more pretty having the readmore line.. 🤣🤷‍♀️

Ok so I think it was about a week and half ago I at a craft fair and I found a stand that was selling crystals and crystal jewelry. I don't know much about it so I only bought one. This is the one I bought, it is a tigers eye one. I knew from my aunt that this one helps shoo away bad vibes ( what I mainly remember her saying..) So I got that one because I deal with a lot of negative stuff at work and just in general. And Ive always wanted to try collecting crystals, I just never know where to start and my town doesn't really have any shops to get them.

And I think this one has been helping. Because I feel a bit better and am not getting as pissed at coworkers... 🤣🤭 And I just wanna start doing more stuff that I've been wanting to do for awhile but haven't been able to because I didn't have my own money... And I want to better myself with feeling better about things and myself, etc.

Also I think this is gonna be a thing I am gonna do this year. Meaning washing away bad stuff and thinking more positive. And I think getting into collecting will help a lot with me mentally and emotionally. 💞🥰

Ok now the reason why I'm rambling about this... 🤣🙈

I trust everyone's opinion on here. 💞 So does anyone have trustworthy websites to order from that are reasonable priced? 🥰🤔

I think I'm just gonna do bracelets for now, because I like having it on me while at work. I've been grabbing my bracelet and rubbing it when I'm stressing or something at work. ( cause I can't have it actually on me.. 😒 so I got it in my pocket.)

Oh and random thought, I did the picture like this because I hate how pudgy my wrists look with bracelets on, but I love having them on.. 🤣🙈

Thank you in advance! 🥰 And no pressure in sharing, I just figured I'd post it.. Because I never know how to start conversations when I wanna ask an internet friend I don't talk to everyday about something.. 🙈🤣💞 nothing against anyone at all, I'm just really really shyyyy... 😆🙈

#rambling chronicles with lotus #crystal questions. 🥰🤔

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midorishinji · 2 months

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Peter’s denial and repentance

I hate so intensely, and so many things, that it seems like this hate consumed me and burned everything I had inside, everything that took me so many years to build. There's nothing left here. And this time, I don't have a set deadline to see this cycle end, like five or six years of college. This is simply the rest of my life. “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

Original work ｜Part IV of the "A girl by the sea"｜Also published in Portuguese and on AO3

a.n: I wrote this awhile ago, while going Through It, and tthis is the story that actually encouraged me to publish "Agnosthesia" as an ebook. I have a soft spot for it, evidently.

I hate having graduated from college. I hate having to work, in the same way that I hated not having a job (and, consequently, not having money). I hate the office environment. I hate dealing with people all the time. I hate so intensely, and so many things, that it seems like this hate consumed me and burned everything I had inside, everything that took me so many years to build. There's nothing left here.

Suddenly, it's like 2017 all over again. The walls are closing in around me: I'm alone, my friends are far from here, far from my routine. Everyone’s finding themselves, fitting into the life they chose, except for me — I'm still lost, my head in the clouds, dreaming of things that don't exist. Back then, I only listened to Smashing Pumpkins' “1979” for six months straight, and now I listen to “Galapogos” incessantly, because nothing resonates more than “and rescue me from me, and all that I believe ” or “ and tell me I am still the man I'm supposed to be ”. Nothing is more familiar than a time loop. But this time, I don't have a set deadline to see this cycle end, like five or six years of college. This is simply the rest of my life.

Thinking about it makes me want to cry, and lately, all I think about is crying all day — between one patient and another, while I'm running on the treadmill to optimize my time, while I'm taking a shower so I don't make too much noise because I don't wanna bother my parents, and because I know there's no point in bothering them, anyway. Three different doctors recommended taking me to a neuropsychiatrist when I was a kid, suspecting autism: one because I refused to speak (even though I was physically and mentally capable of doing so) and had learned to read and write on my own, much earlier than expected; another because the school wanted to skip me from the first grade straight to the fifth grade of elementary school because I was too advanced for the class and all the lessons bored me; and the third because young girls do not normally have such an obsessive interest in poisons, toxins and radioactivity at the age of eight. Three times my parents denied it, like Saint Peter denied Jesus. I'm afraid of going to a psychologist or psychiatrist and finding out that something really is wrong with me. I'm afraid I'll discover that my life could have been easier if I had an ICD-10 code stamped on my forehead. I'm afraid to know what would change if I had a name for what I feel. Most of all, I'm afraid that there will be no answer and I will be forced to spend the rest of my days with this nameless anguish inside me.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Today, when a patient missed an appointment, I used my free half hour to search online for psychologists who work under my health insurance, and I didn't have the courage to call any of them. I used to think I was brave, but the putrid odor of cowardice emanates from me: I'm just this quiet little thing, who swallows everything silently, fearful, scared, coward . I'm afraid nothing will change. I'm afraid everything will change. I'm afraid I'm no longer the person I should (could?) be. I think, most of all, I hate being myself. If God were fair, or good, he would give me an immediate way out of this career situation out of pity, a deus ex machina like winning the lottery: I always pick the same numbers, those numbers.

I get home and go watch Gilmore Girls, a recommendation from a friend from college who I haven't spoken to since we graduated because she works full-time, and so do I. For a few hours, I forget that I am me, and get lost in Stars Hollow. I sympathize with Jess and his postmodern Holden Caulfield way of hiding his sensitive writer soul. Unlike me, he has courage. Every now and then, I think about publishing “Agnosthesia” as an original story — it's ready, edited, stored in the virtual Google Drive vault — and I always falter. I’d have to make a cover art, and put it on Kindle or another ebook format, and... I’d have to publish it, and I'm afraid. I'm terrified of the reception being negative, because this story is a part of me in a way that I can't explain, and my heart is that of a bird, if someone blows too close to it, it could fall apart like grains of sand between my fingers. I admire Jess because he has courage, and he's going to publish his book — I haven't gotten to that episode yet, I confess, but the spoiler amuses me. Maybe one day my turn will come too. Perhaps. I wish I could tell Rory to drop out of Yale and run away with Jess, that's what I would have done: but I, as always, am a coward. I would always choose to run away.

#fanfiction #fanfic #writing #ao3 #original work #original writing #poetry #musings #a girl by the sea #bible verse #bible #biblical references #smashing pumpkins #agnosthesia #saint peter #neurodivergent

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queersolarfandompage · 4 months

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⚠️Tw vent, suicide, depression, panic attack⚠️

Had a panic attack today. I was doing so well. I didnt have a lot of money left but i was budgeting it well enough. Then my prescription which was normally under $20 is suddenly nearly $70 and all of my budgeting went down the drain. Its been awhile since ive had a panic attack and i hate how numb im feeling now. I can still feel tears forming anytime i tyink too much about my situation, but otherwise I feel empty. I wanna puke. I feel like I’m gonna puke. I couldnt brrath anf bo obe was around. I cant ask for help now, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I should’ve worked harder. I should be more independent. I couldn’t reach out to anyone when I was having the panic attack and now that it’s over with why should I bring it up again? My family will be upset both with themselves and with me for not reaching out but I can’t stand being emotional, especially around others.

It makes me think of a time where my dad was home more often. I’d go to him with my breaks downs and his way of handling it calmed me down, but never helped. He always presented me with logic and facts, reminding me there are some things that can’t change and that I should learn to focus more on the things I can change. To look for the silver lining and learn from my situation.

Today was just a bad day. It started off way too early, on a dark road with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I should’ve put on music, who knows I might’ve but it didn’t help. I can’t imagine a future in which I’m happy. I’m supposed to live and work until I die. I’m supposed to devote vast amounts of time to a job or career, when no job or career is something that brings me joy. I’m supposed to socialize in my free time but what free time do I have?

Like a job gives you money, but you lose out on time.

Socializing takes time and money in return for happiness(?)

So I work and then don’t have time for friends, or I don’t work and don’t have money for friends.

My budget was tight but it was manageable. Yes there are something’s I would go without to make my dollars last, but it was fine. Now I’m worried about having enough money for gas. I’m planning to visit my friend’s resting place in a couple days, will I have the money to buy her flowers like I wanted?

My head hurts. I’m too wide awake. I feel sick. Why can’t I just be happy? I worked a full time job and I hated life. I’m putting myself back into college and I’m unhappy. I had a time where my life revolved around my social relationships yet still I wasn’t happy. Will I ever be happy?

I miss who I used to be and I hate who I am now but I don’t have the energy to go back. I don’t have the energy to put in effort, for a job, for my schooling, for my family or friends. I just want to be alone and numb. I don’t want to be alone and numb.

Wouldn’t the world be better without me? I mean how many people would actually miss me? My mom and younger brother live so far away we don’t see each other often. They’d learn to live without me since they already do. My older brother and his family would be out an extra babysitter but it’s not like we see each other too often. My nephew isn’t even old enough to remember me. My stepmom would be devastated. But her life would move on. Monday would come and she’d go right back to work. The house would be quieter, and that might eat away at her for a while but eventually things would be the same. My father works over the road so the time I get to see him is often short. He’d probably take my death the hardest. He always wanted to have a happy family. It didn’t work out with my mother but he found someone else who makes him happy. My older brother was too headstrong to fit into the nice family picture my dad tried to make, and they fought more often than not. Now I’m his last chance at having that happy family. The normal nuclear family that he wanted. The child that he wanted to cherish. But I’m broken and he knows it. He slowly tries to piece me together, encouraging me to experience different things in life in the hopes I’ll find something that will make me whole again. But I’m breaking faster then we can pick up the pieces and the things I’d used as glue before are deteriorating. If I died he’d loose his last precious child and it’d destroy him. But my father is stronger than I am. He’d pick up his pieces eventually, though it would take time to glue himself back together I’m sure he could manage. I feel like I’m broken to the point that some pieces can’t be mended. Some pieces of me disintegrated away to dust and no amount of glue can put them back together.

While I’m not mentally stable I am not at risk of harming myself, so please don’t worry about that if you’ve read this far. I mean I did tell my parents I was suited for psych ward life but that’s another financial burden I’d have to consider eventually. It just feels like I’m drowning, and I’m swimming towards the surface as hard as I can but I just can’t break free of the water engulfing me.

#solar vent

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itsnotresilience · 6 months

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Is this forever or just for now?

I’m changing up my longtime blog that I haven’t touched in awhile. I had a lot to say but no time to say it. Now I have time and reason. My body has been a mystery to almost every doctor that has encountered it and at the same time labeled essentially surviving so not important enough to expend time on.

Todays blog though will be about extreme body changes brought on by medication. I have a friend, who, poor soul, has bravely agreed to be my voice of reason while I have no chemical clarity in my brain. Before you say co-dependency, this was actually suggested by my trauma counselor. The point is that I’m the type of person that crowdsources advice and perspectives before I make decisions sometimes to make sure I am considering all sides of a situation but there are many many things that I trust my gut instinct on and I’m known to be an incredibly decisive person.

All of that seems to be gone right now.

1) instead of the intellectual, quick, imaginative and productive pathways I take pride in, the chemicals steer me into the easier well rehearsed anxiety and trauma response zones almost immediately. Example. My boss engaged me in a brainstorming exercise on a work problem yesterday. I instantly felt like me again, thinking through a process and the issues I understood, the implications, ideas we could think about. Minutes later I wondered if he did it to placate me because he knows I’ve been feeling useless work wise

2) I am not in a space to even get a read on the event I’m asking about, let alone process the advice I’m getting and whether it makes sense for the event - which may not have been the event I perceived it to be because prednisone rage or sadness has tapped into what I thought to be a long dead trauma response. Example: I get an email suggesting I pause my run coaching so I don’t pay for something I’m not doing but the wording sends me into a complete tailspin of “everyone is abandoning me” and “my whole life is falling apart”.

3)I get overwhelmed by the advice I used to be able to parse through and kinda see what blend of perspectives made sense. I’m also needing it too much and burning out my amazing friends who have their own shit to manage.

So this was the idea from my trauma therapist- that for the meantime I’d have this one person to help filter things through because of the brain changes, plus- also increasing talk therapy of course.

Back to extreme body changes. The following is an excerpt of an exchange with my voice of reason through text. This has been edited for public consumption. Note that I am not body shaming anyone. This is about me, not anyone else. I’m not censoring thoughts based on what people think I might be saying or whatever else. We can have conversations in some other posts about body positivity and body dysmorphia. This is not that post.

“I was taking a bath and I thought I saw Ursula from the Little Mermaid in the mirror except she was white and had sticky stuff on her skin from EKG bruises from the 6 day IV and blood draw battle.

I was literally looking at Meghan pre-2019. The one I worked so hard to get rid of, except this one has an even more deformed shape in my minds eye- Prednisone face (one side is literally different than the other) and there seems no hope of losing it again.

I was crying, telling my husband I fucking hate everything right now and he really did try to console me. Except, he said, our 20 year old bodies are gone babe gotta let it go.

Something about his statement made me viscerally angry. I’m not pining for my 20 year old body. I’m pining for a body I literally was able to have 3 fucking months ago. I cannot wear my normal clothes and I probably have to go buy a bigger size. I’m not dreaming of my ultimate weight loss goal. I’m dreaming of “last week I was 163 pounds and feeling like I could feasibly get back on track” and I know from my last scale check I had gained 10 pounds in a week. You can tell yourself these are all steroid pounds but it doesn’t make a difference.

All I see is that horrid body I hated and worked so fucking hard to get back into shape. Back to this shape. I’m defeated and I had to tell Eric three times to let me be sad about it. It will be even harder to lose it again as I was already struggling in peri-menopause to find the right diet combination to deal with the hormone fluctuations.

I had a nutritionist appointment scheduled Monday, which I cancelled because I there is no sense in focusing on this when I can’t even breathe all the time. “

Anyone reading this is probably wondering why the fuck I am caring about this when my oxygen levels aren’t normal and I’m on bed rest and could have to go back to the hospital at any time.

I don’t know that I can explain that well enough for all of you to not judge at all. I am a perfectionist. I take care of myself. I want to describe I’m an avid runner but cannot even run or exercise right now. I’m having major memories and trauma from my last experience with this and it’s ok that you don’t understand. It’s not your body.

It’s a lot of change and loss to process at once and sometimes I just break and sound like a child who says, “it’s not fair”.

And yeah, our super favorite toxic response is, “life isn’t fair”. How exactly is that helpful? That obvious statement that everyone knows? It seems to be used just to put upset people in their upset place which is far away from spaces we have to listen to them and they could ruin our “positivity”.

I’ll say it this way, some times there are people that get lots of shit at once and others get less. There are entire swaths of people who I believe live with a lot less shit because their basic needs ++++++++++ are met. Then there are those that every day is a struggle so that “isn’t fair”compared to those who maybe their Tesla couldn’t find a charge station. That kind of comment then becomes demeaning and we should maybe think of something else to say like, “life can suck”.

Anyway, so life can suck and you just have to be sometimes.

Be kind to each other

#it’s not resilience

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