#a girl by the sea

[y-ca11]

umibe no onnanoko - inio asano

#umibe no onnanoko #a girl by the sea #inio asano #seinen #manga panel #hikikomori #shut in #neet #depression

[mimasroomsblog]

my summer

#a girl on the shore #shoujo manga #goodnight punpun #inio asano #manga panel #anime #a girl by the sea

[midorishinji]

Peter’s denial and repentance

I hate so intensely, and so many things, that it seems like this hate consumed me and burned everything I had inside, everything that took me so many years to build. There's nothing left here. And this time, I don't have a set deadline to see this cycle end, like five or six years of college. This is simply the rest of my life. “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

Original work ｜Part IV of the "A girl by the sea"｜Also published in Portuguese and on AO3

a.n: I wrote this awhile ago, while going Through It, and tthis is the story that actually encouraged me to publish "Agnosthesia" as an ebook. I have a soft spot for it, evidently.

I hate having graduated from college. I hate having to work, in the same way that I hated not having a job (and, consequently, not having money). I hate the office environment. I hate dealing with people all the time. I hate so intensely, and so many things, that it seems like this hate consumed me and burned everything I had inside, everything that took me so many years to build. There's nothing left here.

Suddenly, it's like 2017 all over again. The walls are closing in around me: I'm alone, my friends are far from here, far from my routine. Everyone’s finding themselves, fitting into the life they chose, except for me — I'm still lost, my head in the clouds, dreaming of things that don't exist. Back then, I only listened to Smashing Pumpkins' “1979” for six months straight, and now I listen to “Galapogos” incessantly, because nothing resonates more than “and rescue me from me, and all that I believe ” or “ and tell me I am still the man I'm supposed to be ”. Nothing is more familiar than a time loop. But this time, I don't have a set deadline to see this cycle end, like five or six years of college. This is simply the rest of my life.

Thinking about it makes me want to cry, and lately, all I think about is crying all day — between one patient and another, while I'm running on the treadmill to optimize my time, while I'm taking a shower so I don't make too much noise because I don't wanna bother my parents, and because I know there's no point in bothering them, anyway. Three different doctors recommended taking me to a neuropsychiatrist when I was a kid, suspecting autism: one because I refused to speak (even though I was physically and mentally capable of doing so) and had learned to read and write on my own, much earlier than expected; another because the school wanted to skip me from the first grade straight to the fifth grade of elementary school because I was too advanced for the class and all the lessons bored me; and the third because young girls do not normally have such an obsessive interest in poisons, toxins and radioactivity at the age of eight. Three times my parents denied it, like Saint Peter denied Jesus. I'm afraid of going to a psychologist or psychiatrist and finding out that something really is wrong with me. I'm afraid I'll discover that my life could have been easier if I had an ICD-10 code stamped on my forehead. I'm afraid to know what would change if I had a name for what I feel. Most of all, I'm afraid that there will be no answer and I will be forced to spend the rest of my days with this nameless anguish inside me.

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Today, when a patient missed an appointment, I used my free half hour to search online for psychologists who work under my health insurance, and I didn't have the courage to call any of them. I used to think I was brave, but the putrid odor of cowardice emanates from me: I'm just this quiet little thing, who swallows everything silently, fearful, scared, coward . I'm afraid nothing will change. I'm afraid everything will change. I'm afraid I'm no longer the person I should (could?) be. I think, most of all, I hate being myself. If God were fair, or good, he would give me an immediate way out of this career situation out of pity, a deus ex machina like winning the lottery: I always pick the same numbers, those numbers.

I get home and go watch Gilmore Girls, a recommendation from a friend from college who I haven't spoken to since we graduated because she works full-time, and so do I. For a few hours, I forget that I am me, and get lost in Stars Hollow. I sympathize with Jess and his postmodern Holden Caulfield way of hiding his sensitive writer soul. Unlike me, he has courage. Every now and then, I think about publishing “Agnosthesia” as an original story — it's ready, edited, stored in the virtual Google Drive vault — and I always falter. I’d have to make a cover art, and put it on Kindle or another ebook format, and... I’d have to publish it, and I'm afraid. I'm terrified of the reception being negative, because this story is a part of me in a way that I can't explain, and my heart is that of a bird, if someone blows too close to it, it could fall apart like grains of sand between my fingers. I admire Jess because he has courage, and he's going to publish his book — I haven't gotten to that episode yet, I confess, but the spoiler amuses me. Maybe one day my turn will come too. Perhaps. I wish I could tell Rory to drop out of Yale and run away with Jess, that's what I would have done: but I, as always, am a coward. I would always choose to run away.

#fanfiction #fanfic #writing #ao3 #original work #original writing #poetry #musings #a girl by the sea #bible verse #bible #biblical references #smashing pumpkins #agnosthesia #saint peter #neurodivergent

[ionomycin]

Mother of Pearl

#artists on tumblr #seahorses are cute aren't they #how are we coping with the heat wave everyone? #i'm too busy having like three different kind of existential crises #to worry about it being too hot #hot girl summer more like nonstop anxiety summer #pondering the fact that nothing is permanent #can't rely on anything to last #life is just #drifting in a sea of uncertainty #but anyway #happy pride month #be gay #eat ice cream #don't think about your mortality

[svndvn]

wandering underwater, hoping to find some magical items.. 

#underwater #sea #algae #seaweed #shell #girl #explorer #green #linework #digitalart #digital #line #art #artist #artistontumblr #svndvn #sevendeven #magic #mystery

[suweeka]

oc in horus swimsuit rkgk

#art #drawing #illustration #oc #artists on tumblr #original character #dnd oc #beach #gacha outfit #sea horse girl

[simplybetterthanothers]

#sea #rope bound #chi #el writes #lost girl #wife #curvylittle #decades #peachy

[strawlessandbraless]

Going into 2024 like… 🦀 🖤 😞

#crabs #feminism #you go girl #yeti crab #marine science #ocean #happy new year #love to sea it #marine memes #ocean meme #crab meme #marine biology #new years eve #sea creatures #crustacean #ocean life #oceanposting #marine life #ocean creatures #new years #sea animals #marine critters #aquatic life #sea life #sea critters #marine creatures #crab #deep sea

[99bowl]

See now, you too were hiding a wonderful color!

#valen's art #my art #fanart #vocaloid #hatsune miku #me when I forget to post my drawing like two weeks after finishing it! #also this is the same pose as the official deep sea girl figurine because I really want it and it’s my favorite miku costume ever #and if I can’t own it I will draw it . #art

[someonetooksendnoodles]

i’m such a whore for jaw-dropping, heavily stylized, thematically laden, full of heart animation. will forever be impressed at the stories that are coming from non-disney studios having their moment to shine.

#this is a #nimona #nimona movie #post but i’m also gonna plug other stories that echo this sentiment #song of the sea #dead end paranormal park #spop #the mitchells vs the machines #kataow #kipo netflix #wendell and wild #the hollow netflix #tales of arcadia #hilda #carmen sandiego #klaus #puss in boots #i know there’s more and i’ll come back and tag em when i remember #moon girl and devil dinosaur #my dad the bounty hunter #teenage mutant ninja turtle mutant mayhem #coming back to add #the road to el dorado #bc i just watched it and tbh very good #trolls #yeah this is being added too #THE SOUNDTRACK FUCKS #also fuck disney and its being added bc it is so much better than wish #dreamworks trolls #trolls movie

[dykealloy]

#alternatively: oda's favourite ragdoll princess and the most miserable girl on the high blue seas #by nika they're babygirlifying the surgeon of death again.. #song is princess castle by Jazmin Bean ft. Cottontail #one piece #op #CJ's op watch-through #trafalgar law #trafalgar d. water law #torao #CJ's edits #amv

[carouselunique]

Day #4: Friendship Lesson

Fluttershy can often be found teaching the youth of Ponyville lessons about what it means to be kind and to use that kindness to help others. 🍉

#my art #Fluttershy #my little pony #mlp #my little pony friendship is magic #free palestine #Honeycrisp Blossom #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #(that one tweet that said ‘draw your comfort characters supporting palestine - #that’s why I drew this!) #mlp g4 #mlpfim #mlp fim #eqg #equestria girls

[j5daigada]

sea slug

commission for @slugmoss

#commission #j5draws #sea slug #girl #sweater

[midorishinji]

Plutonian Sorceress

When I was a kid, I didn't believe in anything. I didn't believe in Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, nor did I make a wish when I saw a shooting star, nothing. I think life has softened my stone heart, and the old me has decayed to make way for something new, as it happens in nature: I have gradually become so desperately gullible that it’s scary. If I have nothing left to believe in, then it's all over. Turn off the lights, pull back the curtains, close the casket and bury it six feet under: the show’s over, and it's time to say goodbye.

Original work ｜Part III of the "A girl by the sea"｜Also published in Portuguese and on AO3

When I was a kid, I didn't believe in anything. I didn't believe in Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, nor did I make a wish when I saw a shooting star, nothing. I've always been like that, too much of a scientist, too rational: if there's no proof, it doesn't exist, and if it doesn't exist, I don't believe it. Much like a researcher, I tried to prove all my theories about what is magical, playful, irrational, untestable, and convince myself that none of that exists. Convincing myself that life is what it is, because if I imagine too much, if I dream too much, I'll end up convincing myself that things can be better, including things that I am not able to change. I'll hit an obstacle and get frustrated when I can't do anything. I drank from reality, refusing any additives, like someone who drinks black, pure, extra-strong coffee.

I think life has softened my stone heart, and the old me has decayed to make way for something new, as it happens in nature: I have gradually become so desperately gullible that it’s scary. If I have nothing left to believe in, then it's all over. Turn off the lights, pull back the curtains, close the casket and bury it six feet under: the show’s over, and it's time to say goodbye.

I make a wish every time I see a shooting star. I make three wishes every time I enter a new church, whenever I'm visiting somewhere new, or just wandering aimlessly around my own town, even though I'm not even Catholic. I blow on dandelions and make another wish, which is actually always the same, the only thing my heart desires. If I no longer desire anything, I cease to exist, because my existence is to desire, it is to always be perfectly dissatisfied with how things are and wanting to improve them: it’s going through a hallway and adjusting the paintings millimetrically on the wall, so that they are perfectly level; it’s not stepping on the grout lines on the floor; it's retaking the same notes again and again, until they are legible, organized, beautiful, and at least decent to my standards. Stacks of crumpled paper pile up like mistakes. If it doesn't have a hint of obsession, it isn’t me, because my simple desire is also an obsession, something that I never tell anyone, but that everyone knows because it is inseparable from who I am: it is the power to rewrite reality however I please.

The greatest sin of every writer, I fear, is eternal dissatisfaction: in our heads, we can rewrite things to be a thousand times better than reality. I remain somewhat of a scientist, but my passion is fixed on the cyclical decomposition of matter, of feelings, of memories, because every writer falls a little bit in love with putrefaction and its incredible capacity for transformation, a power often forgotten but comparable to that of a God; mushrooms convert organic matter into food, into life, just as I convert such a mundane reality into something magical as soon as my fingers touch the keyboard. I transform into a much better version of myself whenever I'm writing something, taking this burden off me: I (the priestess) go into my room (my temple) and use my laptop (my ritualistic tool) to exercise my gift of necromancy, bringing to light the Plutonian capacity for renewal and the obsession with the macabre, to bring back what is already gone, even if it is just a memory, at my own pleasure. I keep the bodies of my happiest daydreams in the closet of my head, and I dig them out to dance with them before I sleep, and I only allow myself to rest when I use this waltz to rewrite a more dignified and poetic future.

I didn't use to wish on the stars, but today I do it more than ever to make up for lost time, which has become, more than a habit, an addiction; I don't know how to like things in a normal, moderate way, everything always has to consume me completely. I desire because I want to believe, and because I need to believe: at least, that's what I was once told, that I need to stop being cynical and truly believe, with all my heart, in things. I have been using writing and these peculiar beliefs like milk and sugar in my bitter black coffee, sweetening and softening my reality.

#fanfiction #fanfic #writing #ao3 #original work #original writing #poetry #musings #a girl by the sea #about writing #metalingus #necromancy #pluto #astrology #sorcery

[rosesgrownbytheseaside]

#mermaid #mermaidcore #ocean #oceancore #sea #coquette #lana del rey #coquettecore #coquette girl #coquette aesthetic #pink #oceanblvd #soft girl #blue #baby blue #turquoise #pearls #mermaids #sea nymph #ethereal #pretty girls #feminine divine #divine feminine

[avaaacore]

by the sea ع˖⁺ ☁⋆ ୭

#mermaidcore #coquette #manic pixie dream girl #coquette community #coquette girl #coquettecore #girlblogger #girlblogging #sea witch #costal grandma