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ellecdc · 28 days

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HEY POOKIE!!!!

Could I request a fic with either poly moon water or poly marauders where reader has had mental health issues but they were getting better and then they slip back into them. This happens to me in moments and I have to remind myself that it’s part of my progress but it would be so nice if I had someone else to say it too. No pressure lovely!!!!

I ADORE all of your marauders work!! Like OML I never know how much I needed poly moonwater until youuuu❤️❤️❤️😘

hi babes! totally get where you're coming from re: mental health issues. It's a marathon, not a race. and I'm so glad you love moonwater! my evil plan of converting the entire fandom (lol) is succeeding. I opted to go with the marauders but it's quite sirius centric

poly!marauders x fem!reader who is struggling with her mental health

CW: non-sexual nudity [nothing is described], discussion of dark mental headspace and anxiety/depression [again, nothing is described]

You felt awful.

You knew the boys would be understanding, but it didn’t make you feel any better about your behaviour.

You’d found yourself slipping back into familiar and darker headspaces as of late, and though you couldn’t deny the disconcerting comfort that familiarity brought, you knew you couldn’t allow yourself to fully fall back into it; you worked so hard to move beyond this, and you had been doing so well.

It hurt worse now that you felt like you weren’t just disappointing yourself anymore, but also disappointing three other people who - for whatever reason - cared an awful lot about you.

You’d been inching closer and closer to a panic all day and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed when you got home and pretend the world didn’t exist for a few hours days weeks.

Those kinds of plans don’t work when you live with three other people, two of which have the tendency to coddle you.

You knew that irritability was one of the symptoms of your anxiety, but knowing that didn’t stop the sting of your words as they left your lips.

James was too nice, too bright, too happy, too lovely. You felt like the polar opposite of your sweetest boyfriend, which made you feel even more disappointing than you already had. And Remus was a fixer; he had a tendency to see a problem and immediately start problem solving, but that’s not what you needed right now.

Of course, you didn’t say that.

Of course, you got angry and lashed out at them before storming off to your room and slamming the door.

What started off as feeling blue quickly spiralled into a low affect. Feeling low left you increasingly anxious. Your anxiety left you feeling disappointing and less than, which caused you to feel depressed. The more depressed you got, the more anxious you became. The more anxious you became, the more depressed you felt.

It was a vicious cycle and you were stuck in its seemingly never ending assault on you.

And now, you weren’t just depressed and anxious; you were also feeling terribly guilty and overwhelmed at the thought of having upset Remus and James.

Remus, who only wanted to help, who only wanted you to feel better, who only wanted to care for you.

And James, who only wanted to perhaps share a little bit of his joy with you on the off chance it could brighten your day.

You were awful.

Horrid.

You didn’t deserve them, and they didn’t deserve you - they deserved better. You deserved nothing.

You’re not sure how long you had been standing under the spray of the water with your head against the cool tile when you heard a gentle knock against the glass of the shower door.

You felt the irritability surge in your blood again at the intrusion of your pity party, but tried your hardest to take a steadying breath before you hummed a quiet “yeah?”

“Can I come in?” You heard Sirius’ voice ask from the other side, apparently having gotten home sometime during your meltdown.

He could, though you weren’t sure he should.

You were terrible after all.

Horrid.

The glass door popped open and Sirius shoved his face in. You didn’t bother turning your face towards him but you could feel the questions permeating his being nonetheless.

“I’m coming in.” He announced, deciding on your behalf.

You heard the sound of his clothes falling to the bathroom floor, and you knew if Remus were in here he’d be scolding him: “there’s a hamper right there, Sirius.”

But Remus wasn’t here because you were awful and you couldn’t bring yourself to care about the sodding hamper nor Sirius’ clothes littering the floor.

Some of your steam escaped as Sirius opened the shower door fully and you were accosted with cool air that left your body covered in goosebumps. He corrected it quickly by standing under the spray with you and pushing his front up against your back, leaning his chin on your shoulder.

“Fuck, you take hot showers.” He commented.

Usually you’d laugh.

“Sorry.” You said instead.

He rubbed at your hips where his hands had fallen with his thumbs, eliciting another layer of goosebumps on your skin.

“You’re not feeling too good, are you baby?” He asked quietly.

You let out an exhausted breath. “I don’t feel good; I’m no good.” You responded just as quietly.

Sirius ducked his chin down to kiss your shoulder before quickly replacing it.

“That’s not true.”

You didn’t respond, glad that the water streaming over your face hid the evidence of the tears escaping your eyes.

Wordlessly, Sirius pulled away and grabbed your shampoo, working it into your hair. You did nothing to help him in his task, keeping your head pressed against the shower wall as he lathered the soap on your scalp. He pulled the handheld down to rinse it out, paying special attention to point the spray away from your face since you didn’t seem too fussed over protecting your own eyes. He combed some conditioner through your hair and rinsed it out in much the same manner before grabbing a loofa and lathering body wash over your form.

“Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one step back.” He commented, finally breaking the silence that had long been only the sound of the water falling and each of your breaths. “But that still means you’re one step forward.”

A sob escaped you, causing Sirius to pause in his ministrations and pull you back into his chest again.

He didn’t say anything else; he knew better. Of course he would, Sirius sometimes understood this side of you better than the others did. Sirius had a tendency to fall into darker times too, also having a penchant for lashing out at those closest to him when things felt like too much.

He let you cry, standing under the likely too-hot-for-his-tastes water, as he rocked you back and forth with your head leaned back, resting on his shoulder as you faced toward the ceiling.

“Do they hate me?” You whimpered eventually, trying to convince your lungs to take in slower, deeper breaths.

“Of course they don’t; you know they don’t.”

“Are they mad at me?”

You could feel Sirius shake his head, but he answered you verbally anyway.

“No, doll. They worry, is all.”

You didn’t like that. You didn’t want them to worry. “I’m fine.”

“I know you are.” He agreed readily. “They do too.”

You let that sit in the foggy air for a little bit.

“Do you know that?” He asked eventually.

“Know what?”

“That you’re okay? That you’re just fine?”

You thought about that for a moment. You were sad, and you were anxious, but were you fine?

You admitted to yourself you felt the familiar tendrils of your darker self pulling at you, but you could also admit it was different this time. You were better, you had been working hard, and most importantly, that hard work was paying off.

You may have been two steps forward and one step back, but you were still one step forward from where you started.

“You’re sure they’re not mad at me?” You asked instead, earning you a chuckle as Sirius turned you in his arms to hold your face between his hands.

“No one is mad at you, love. I swear it. You are, however, very loved.”

You offered him the best smile you could muster and let him pull you forward for a chaste kiss.

“Then… yes, I know I’m fine.” You agreed eventually, earning you a beaming smile from your boyfriend.

“Atta girl.”

Your felt your cheeks heat up at the praise and pushed your forehead into his chest.

“Can we get out of this torture chamber, now? I swear this water is being heated by hellfire.” He joked, leaning around you to turn off the shower without your consent.

“It’s really not that bad.” You argued, earning you a scoff.

“I’m red, doll. The water has marred my skin, perhaps permanently.”

You continued arguing about proper shower etiquette as you rubbed lotion into your skin (and then into Sirius’ for his troubles [he really was sort of red]), and changed into your comfies.

You headed towards the living room before you remembered you were sort of ashamed with yourself for the way you had spoken to the other two boys, but Sirius didn’t allow you to hesitate in the hall as he caught your elbow when your steps faltered and ushered you into the room.

“Boys, we’re really going to have to do something about her shower habits.” He commented as if a) nothing had happened, and b) you weren’t even there. “I’m surprised she hasn’t completely melted her skin off."

“Perhaps hot showers are how she gets so beautiful, Sirius, ever think about that?” James jested back, earning him an indignant scoff.

“Are you saying I’m not pretty, Jamie?”

“As pretty as Y/N?” Remus interjected, looking between the two of you as if assessing. “No, not at all.”

“Well I-” Sirius began, but you interrupted.

“I’m sorry.”

Everyone’s shoulders fell as they turned to look at you, clearly willing to brush over the tension if that had been what you wanted.

“I was rude and irritable when I got home, and neither of you deserved that. I’m sorry.”

“Angel…” James started, opening his arms for you which you readily accepted and tucked yourself into his chest.

“I was never mad to begin with, but I’ll go ahead and forgive you right now if that’ll make you feel better, okay?” He murmured into your wet hair.

“Okay. Thank you.” You murmured back.

“You’re too sweet for us, dove.” Remus commented, moving to place a consoling hand on your back.

“I was the opposite of that earlier.” You chuckled at your own expense.

“Please.” Sirius scoffed derisively. “These two are too nice, especially when you feel like shit; I’ve given them a far harder time than you have, dollface.”

“It’s true.” James said quickly. “He once told me he’d rather have a cup of tea with his mother than snuggle with me when he was in one of his moods once.”

You gasped and looked at Sirius in horror. “You did not.”

Sirius, not at all guilty, shrugged nonchalantly. “Sure did, and I meant it too.”

“Oh come off it.” Remus chided, pulling Sirius into his side who broke out in a grin, effectively eliminating his earnest facade.

“No, of course I didn’t mean it.” He relented, leaning further into Remus’ side.

“I don’t like myself very much when I’m like this.” You admitted quietly.

“We’ll love you enough for all of us in the meantime then, yeah?” James asked, pulling you into his arms tighter.

“Just be patient with yourself dove, you’re much too hard on yourself. We’re here now and we’ll be here when you feel better too.” Remus added.

“Can’t get rid of us that easily, dollface.” Sirius concluded, shooting you a wink.

Two steps forward and one step back.

But you were still one step forward.

You knew you would make two more steps forward again soon.

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mizading · 7 months

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Breaking Up With JJK Men

Characters: Satoru Gojo, Suguru Geto, Kento Nanami.

Warnings: Unhealthy relationships, obsessiveness, mentions of death, begging, threatening, stalking, paranoia, etc.

Synopsis: How these JJK men react to you attempting to leave.

Satoru Gojo:

The type to beg

Gojo would immediately break down. He can’t bear you leaving; he’s lost too much already.

Something about Geto walking out of his life prior makes Gojo unhealthily attached and dependent on you. You’re Gojo’s safe place; he can’t lose you, no matter what.

Before you can say another word, he’s on his knees at your feet, holding onto your legs as tight as he possibly can. Gojo will refuse to let go unless you agree to stay with him.

He’s a crying mess, tears soaking your legs, hair disheveled as he sobs uncontrollably. As much as Gojo wants to control his emotions, he simply can’t.

If you still don’t give in, He’ll cup your face, forcing you to look in his direction to “see what you did to him”. Gojo tries to win you back the only way he knows how, by begging and making you feel absolutely awful for what you caused.

Before you know it, he’s wrapping his large frame around you, keeping you trapped in his tight embrace. If Gojo has to keep you with him using force, then he’ll go there in a heartbeat.

He apologizes for his excessive touch, but he needed to feel you in some way to help soothe himself. Gojo was practically having a panic attack before your eyes.

As Gojo locks you in his embrace, he can’t help but express how much he needs you. Gojo doesn’t know how he’ll manage without you; is there any point to life with you gone? Regardless of what you think, Gojo truly needs you.

Your heart breaks seeing him in this state—body shaking, eyes dull, and choking on his own sobs. Did you really have the heart to leave him? Seeing the strongest man alive behave in such a way over you leaving affected you mentally.

If you decide to stay, it’ll take a long time to improve his state. He needs to be 100% sure that you won't change your mind or leave when he’s off guard. Gojo becomes annoyingly attached to you physically; he cannot keep his hands to himself.

Gojo will slowly but surely get better. He’s still quite clingy weeks after the event, but he seems to be in the right headspace for the most part.

In the end, he’s just relieved to have his baby with him.

Suguru Geto:

The type to threaten

Geto’s first instinct is to laugh. He’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you’re only joking with him. When he finds out that you’re being serious, his entire demeanor changes.

Everything quickly turns bitter. Are you really going to leave after everything that he’s done for you? Geto finds it comical.

One thing that Geto will make clear is that you won't be leaving. He can’t seem to accept it, so it won’t happen.

The way that his dark, haunting eyes bore into your soul makes you immediately rethink your decision. How could such a warm and comforting face turn so dull and haunting?

Geto will blankly stare into your eyes silently, allowing you to change your mind before things get worse.

You’ll suddenly be pulled into his lap, harsh enough for you to notice his slight hostility but soft enough for you to not say anything.

“You don’t want to find out what I'll do to myself if you leave, right?” His words made you nauseous almost instantly. Geto spoke in a soft, comforting voice, but his words were sick.

He would caress your hair, occasionally pressing soft kisses to your temple, allowing his words to sink into your pretty little head. “I’m sure that you wouldn’t want to be the one to blame if I went through with anything precious”.

It was all sick; he was doing it on purpose. You knew that Geto struggled with his purpose of living, but you never knew that he would go to this level.

You couldn’t fathom the thought of not having Geto in this world; you still loved him even if you wanted to separate from him. You agreed to stay for the sake of keeping Geto alive.

Geto reverts back to his usual gentle self almost immediately when you tell him that you’ll stay. It was scary how rapidly he could change. Geto knew this, and he used it to his advantage.

Even if you planned to go through with leaving, he wouldn’t have let you. You’re his main purpose for living; Geto can’t lose that.

Kento Nanami:

The type to stalk

Nanami would spend a bit of time asking you to reconsider, but if you want to leave, he’ll let you go.

A few tears will be shed, but not much. Nanami doesn’t waste too much time begging because he knows that you’ll ultimately end up doing what you want.

Before you leave, Nanami will ask you for at least a hug and a kiss. As heartless as Nanami seems, he loves you to bits and pieces.

Nanami didn’t plan on stalking you; it just happened. He started by simply driving to your house to give him peace of mind, then peeking through your windows late at night.

A few weeks after the breakup, you take notice of an unfaltering feeling that someone is watching you. There wasn’t necessarily anything out of place; you just felt it. You couldn’t tell if it was because you were alone now or if someone was actually watching you.

Once you finally let the feeling go, everything gets worse. It starts with flowers at your doorsteps daily. You couldn't help but shake the feeling that Nanami might have been the one doing it.

It all escalated to feeling followed every time you left the house. You couldn’t help but notice someone's presence every now and then when you were about your day. You started to leave the house less and less because of it.

Nanami feels guilty for following you around, but he can't help it. Nanami can't bear the thought of something happening to you when he’s not there to protect you. His only resort is to secretly keep an eye on you as much as he can.

Everything was unbearable. Ever since the breakup, you have felt terribly paranoid and scared. You sit up at night sometimes thinking about how safe you would be if you had only stayed with Nanami.

You attempt to continue on with your life, but none of it ends. Your paranoia was consuming you whole. Thoughts of just running back to Nanami were becoming excruciatingly loud. Who else would protect you?

You tried desperately to continue on without him, but the truth is that you couldn’t. Not before long, you found yourself at his door once again. Regardless of whether he was stalking you or not, you just wanted it all to end.

Nanami would happily welcome you back with open arms. His desperation for you led to him doing things that he never thought he would do.

Nanami puts your mind at ease when you explain what you went through after leaving. He made sure to make you feel like he could protect you from absolutely everything in this world, which is why you came back.

Nanami can’t help but have some type of guilt in the back of his mind because of what he did to you. At least he has his baby back in his arms.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk headcanons #jjk #jjk x reader #gojo headcanons #gojo x reader #gojo satoru #geto headcanons #geto x reader #geto suguru #nanami headcanons #nanami x reader #nanami kento #anime

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justice4canyonmoon · 1 year

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harry being all shaky and scared after having a bad dream 🥺 but you wake up because you hear him crying and you comfort him with kisses and stuff

wow, this is the first thing I've written in a long time! Couldn't get myself into the headspace I need to write smut, but I really liked this prompt, so here we are :) It's a bit on the short side, but I think it's quite cute! Hope you enjoy :)

warnings: nightmares, car accident

WC: 641

“Gemma!”

He woke up with a gasp of his sister’s name, hands trembling with shaky breaths. The dream was awful: you, his mother, and his sister were all driving to one of his shows when a drunk driver hit you head on, killing you and Anne on the spot. Gemma had been taken to a hospital, and the near scream of her name that happened when he woke up was when the heart monitor stopped beating. His heart thumped in his chest, and he turned to the bed beside him to look at you, focusing on the way your chest moved with every breath, assuring him that you were alive.

Harry turned so he was facing away from you, trying to regulate his breathing without waking you. But every time he took a breath in, it was harder and harder to take the next. It wasn’t long until he found his face wet with tears, thinking about the way he was forced to watch the three people he loved most leave the world. He kept his sniffles and sobs as quiet as possible, not wanting to wake you for something as silly as a nightmare. But it felt so real.

“Harry?”

He felt his body tense, hearing your voice, still thick with sleep, calling his name.

He hummed in acknowledgment, not wanting to speak in fear of you hearing his shaky voice.

“Are you crying, honey? Is everything okay?”

Maybe he wasn’t as subtle as he thought.

“‘M fine, love. Go back to sleep, didn’t mean t’ w-wake yeh.”

He heard the tremble in his voice and knew you would do the same.

“Oh, honey,” was all you said before you wrapped your arms around his waist, “what’s wrong?”

“Just a dream. Nothing too important, that’s why I didn’t want t’ wake yeh,” he mumbled.

You got him to turn over so he was facing you, and now you could see the fat tears rolling down his cheeks. You reached up, gently wiping them away with your thumbs.

“H, I never want you to feel like you can’t wake me up if you need me. Whether it’s an emergency or you just can’t sleep, I’ll be here. Maybe sometimes I’ll be grumpier than others,” that got a chuckle out of him, which you were proud of, “but I am always happy to help you.”

He smiled, leaning into your touch, “Thank yeh, my love. Best partner I could ask for.”

You smiled back, kissing the spots you had been rubbing with your thumbs, “Of course, honey. What kind of dream got you this worked up, hm?”

He sighed, dropping his eye contact with you as he struggled not to cry again, “Saw you, Mom, and Gem die in a car accident as yeh were drivin t’ one of my shows.”

Your lips turned into a deep frown, “That sound so scary, H, I’m sorry you had a dream like that. But I’m right here, very much alive, and if you want, we can call Anne and Gemma in the morning. Promise I won’t leave you like that. None of us will.”

“I’d really like to call them tomorrow. It’s been too long since we’ve spoken, anyway.”

You nodded, “Sounds like a plan.”

You pulled his body closer to yours, wrapping one arm around his waist and rubbing his back, while the other moved up to smooth his hair back. You leaned forward and pressed loving kisses to the top of his head, trying simultaneously to provide him comfort and lull him back to sleep.

Just as you thought you heard his breathing evening out, you hear him murmur, “I love yeh.”

You smiled against his hair, “Love you too, honey.”

He relaxed into your arms, finally falling back asleep, and now that he was feeling better, you could do the same.

#harry styles #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles blurb #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles story #harry styles writing

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chiyoso · 5 months

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original pin

hi pookie. to those who read this the first time, welcome back, to the first time reading this. this is a re-write. an update. i kinda found the initial update i did rushed, not clearly descriptive of my situation outside this writing hobby of mine. also for the ones that i tagged, i have notes for you <3 (sorry for the tag 🫶🏻)

alright. hello hello. i'm chiyo, a jjk-focused/sporadic genshin and hsr fanfic writer, and you've caught me, and this blog in such bad time, and im so, so very fucking burnt out.

writing for me should be fun, stress relieving, and that goes for any other hobby i have. i have been told and supported countless of times to take a rest, to take a break from this, but my stubborn ass continues to try and get something out, anything to keep my blog alive, hells, it feels like a toxic relationship where i keep coming back, because i remember all the fun, happy and fond times i had in this app, only then to return to why it becomes draining, exhausting.

just sat there, occasionally laid on my back, using my phone, but with unmoving thumbs, with a brain lacking the world that needs the narrative to make a story, fuck, where has it gone?

that innocent, startup of mine, the newfound love and interest for that world of fiction that you all create. dude, i remember being so happy discovering that this brain of mine can conjure up so many shit, all because of your words, it's fucking amazing. hence, the start of the era of my honkai star rail writing journey. (hsr/hi3rd fans who followed me, i let you down with my jujutsu kaisen brainrot obsession im sorry lmao)

“take a break hira,” “take a break chiyo,” “please, take a break.”

i've heard it all, and with utmost love and respect, thank you.

thank you for everything, every word, every action, and every peep of interest you all had for me. small and big creators, who, stopped by because of my small percent chance drop in on their feed, because of the stories i created that you shared, i've met so many wonderful, inspring and motivating people in tumblr, fuck, i didn't expect to crrate a little community all by myself, with my grit alone, it's so rewarding for someone who strives for perfection, for someone who struggles with her mental health daily, for someone who deluded themselves in a world of fiction, I can't express my genuine gratitude enough.

i'm not quitting. maybe i should've mentionrd that earlier to prevent you from getting rattled, but continuing off, i don't find myself quitting this writing journey, maybe i'm just not in the right mental headspace for it at this time. damn, my ex really fucked me up LMAO.

right, i'm aware of the less and lessening interactions i've had with the people i've encountered throughout tumblr, i feel sick of myself for not being able to catch up, nor interact with any of you as much as i could anymore, it really, really fucking sucks, i hate it, i hate it, i do.

i still have leftover projects to go over and publish, because i still want MY ideas, MY thoughts, MY worlds of fictional prowess to all of you. i'm not done, but i will say, that i'm- i'm so incredibly, so very sorry to the ones that were highly, to the heavens, expecting greatness from me, to the ones who were anticipating my unfinished stories, fuck, there's so much to do, yet my body, my mind, they do not respond, as if i'm losing my sense of time, literally.

all i can say to those sticking with me because of their plain interest for me, i wish, i pray, i'll beg, beg for me, my soul, my mind, my body, my spirit to heal, and heal faster, so i can love you all at my 100%, not with my trying 20%, and lower.

thank you. to the old, and to the recent supporters that got me to 3k followers and counting, fuckin' wild. actually insane.

i'll continue to write. i'll continue to create. i don't want to quit.

i don't want to leave the only thing that gave me freedom, and the genuine happiness the first time, making me discover shit about myself, and there's that.

p.s. apologies for my jjk brainrot everyone who followed for genshin and hsr <3 also that one popular otome game, love & deepspace? yeah, that shit's also fucking me up so good.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: (lawd i feel bad for tagging)

@ainescribe @wanderingconstellations @teapartyspilled @v3lv3tf0x @ciarchivez ⸻ you fucking OGS. literally five pillars of my life, the cheerleaders, my absolute undying support of this blog, you saw me at my noob tumblr handling form, the lows, the highs, and the absolute peaks, i consider all of you special, i do, you all made tumblr and the writing community such a fun place for me. thank you, thank you, i just can't spam that voiceline enough.

@peachdues @screampied @chuluoyi @blkkizzat @jabamin @flametrashira @meowzfordayz ⸻ you superstar mutuals of mine. we've only interacted sporadically, PLEASE BLAME MY BURNOUT AND COLLEGE SCHEDULE FOR THAT, but all of you invoked so much burning hope, and motivation for me through your stories, AND your interests for me, whether it'd be something about my themes, edits, stories, it doesn't matter, you all took interest in lil' ol me, despite what, being such big content creators? FUCK??? that's insane. thank you.

god, i seriously wish my schedule would just clear up by a fuckton, and then again, i was the one who took psychology and performing arts 💤 i hope, hope HOPE i get to interact with you all again once i take a leave/break from college.

⸻ with all my love, chiyo.

#real shit i think i just need dick #that or a love so overwhelming from a person that theyll die for me cos id do the same

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chvoswxtch · 1 year

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Could I request something for Frank with a s/o who is having mental health struggles? I’m not doing to well as of late and I would love nothing more then Frank taking care of me 💕

Take you’re time, no rush :)

Ps. I love your writing

hi my darling! so sorry this is coming to you so late. I myself have been struggling a bit mentally lately. I hope that you're doing well, and that today is a good day for you angel. ❤️

thank you so much for the request. it was actually super therapeutic for me and kinda helped get me out of the funk I was in, so thank you!!

there's not really any warnings for this except swearing & lots of fluff. also i'm not sure if the glitch with dark mode has been fixed or not but if you're on dark mode, you may have trouble viewing this. I apologize for any inconvenience reading in advance! word count: 2.3k

let me help.

Frank Castle had always been good at reading people. During his time in the marines, he perfected this skill and learned to pick up on certain cues and read body language to anticipate what someone might be thinking or feeling, which gave him a huge advantage when it came to combat. It also helped him out quite a bit when he became a father since he was usually able to figure out what kind of shenanigans his kids were about to get into before they had a chance to actually get into trouble. But lately, it helped him out the most when it came to you.

You and Frank were total opposites when it came to emotions. While he hid everything until you could coax it out of him, you were a lot more open about yours, even if you weren’t trying to be. Your face gave you away, every single time. Not only that, but Frank knew you like the back of his hand. He could always read you, even when you were trying to hide and put on a brave face. A few months into your relationship, Frank had finally gotten you to confess about your mental health struggles to him. He had been picking up on little things; small changes in your demeanor, subtle shifts in your moods, and even the tone of your voice when it was off. He didn’t want to push you if you weren’t comfortable, but it also killed him to know something was bothering you and you were afraid to let him help.

Ever since then, Frank was extra vigilant when it came to you. He had learned what helped when you got into a bad headspace, and what he could do to make it better. He figured out what you needed from him, even if you were having trouble communicating it. He discovered that sometimes you wanted a distraction, and sometimes you just wanted to be held and comforted. Sometimes you tried to put the noise in your head into comprehensible sentences, and sometimes you preferred the soothing timber of his voice as he read to you or told you a story from his previous life. Sometimes Frank could convince you to go for a walk on a pretty trail he’d found, and you’d walk side by side silently as he held your hand gently.

“Somethin’ about sunshine “curin” the blues. Some shit Curt told me, I don’t know. Said it might help.”

Frank had actually reached out to Curt on several occasions about you, since his experience with his group made him the closest thing to a professional he could find. Through learning how to care for you, Frank actually started to figure out how to care for himself. He started to figure out what worked for him when things got heavy, and how to process his own struggles. After a while, Frank even got comfortable letting you care for him like he did for you when things got bad. It was a learning curve the two of you were navigating together, with the occasional help from Curtis, and it only made your relationship that much stronger. There was an immense comfort in the peace you two found in each other. Anytime that peace was disrupted, Frank picked up on it immediately, sometimes before you even did.

He knew today was an off day the second he walked through the door. Your voice was quieter as you greeted him, sounding almost exhausted, and you hugged onto his large frame tighter than you normally did. Frank let you linger in his embrace, cradling the back of your head as he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. He studied you quietly when you took a step back, trying to figure out what it was you needed from him right now. He could tell by the tight smile on your lips you weren’t going to bring it up. Maybe you hadn’t even noticed it yet. Or maybe you were trying to avoid it. Whatever the reason, he didn’t want to push you if you didn’t feel like talking.

“Think I need a hot shower. Wanna join me?”

The eager nod of your head caused a tiny smile to spread on Frank’s mouth as he held his hand out for yours.

“Alright then, pretty girl. C’mon.”

Steam filled the bathroom as Frank turned the knob as far to the side as it would go. Your reflections were indiscernible as the mirrors fogged up, only able to catch the briefest glimpse of your own silhouettes. Frank was quiet as he undressed you, keeping his touch gentle and soft. A flush had already started to spread over your face from the heat. Frank carefully helped you into the shower, giving your hand a light squeeze and offering a smile when he noticed the confusion on your features.

“Go ahead, sweetheart. Be there in a minute.”

Once Frank had rid himself of his own clothes, he stepped in behind you silently. Your eyes were closed as you tipped your head back underneath the showerhead, allowing the warmth of the water to wash over you completely. It echoed off the tiles like a steady summer rain, and even he found the sound soothing. Frank gave you a moment to try and let the water wash away whatever it was you were trying to rid yourself of, only joining you under the stream when you opened your eyes and reached for him.

An aroma of lavender and vanilla filled his senses as he poured your body wash into his hands, beginning to massage it over your shoulders first and then down each of your arms. He took his time as he cleansed you, kneeling down as the suds traveled down your thighs and over your feet. He made sure every inch of your skin had been caressed by his fingertips before rinsing you off. Frank gently grabbed your wrist to halt your movements when you reached for his body wash, giving a light shake of his head and a timid smile.

“Don’t worry ‘bout me.”

“Frank-”

“Just let me help, baby.”

Frank silenced any further protest as his lips descended on yours. He wrapped one arm around your waist to hold you against his chest as his free hand lightly massaged your green apple scented shampoo into your hair. He gently scratched at your scalp with his blunt nails, smiling as your eyes fell shut and a satisfied hum vibrated from your lips against his skin. The longer he worked his fingers in your hair, the more you melted into his embrace. Frank carefully grasped your chin between his thumb and index finger to tip your head back, turning your head to the sides ever so slightly to make sure all the shampoo got washed out fully. After repeating the same process with your conditioner, he reached behind you to shut the water off and wrapped you up in a fluffy towel.

“Let’s get you comfy, shortcake. You want shorts or somethin’? Or just a shirt?”

“Just a shirt, please. Can I wear one of yours?”

Frank chuckled lightly as he wrapped a towel around his waist, holding onto your hand as he helped you out of the shower and led you back to the bedroom.

“Course you can. Don’t gotta ask, baby.”

Frank grabbed your favorite lavender scented body lotion from the cabinet, knowing how much it bothered you that your skin felt too dry after a scalding hot shower. He helped you dry off and slipped on a pair of briefs before motioning towards the bed and pouring some lotion into his hands.

“Lay back for me.”

Your eyes followed Frank’s hands as he moved them over every part of your body while he massaged the lotion deep into your skin. There was a slight furrow of his brows, as there always was when he was concentrating on something. But everytime he caught your gaze, his permanent broody features morphed into a tender smile, and it made you weak. After slipping one of his large shirts over your head and your favorite pair of fuzzy socks onto your feet, Frank scooped you up into his arms and sat back against the headboard with you in his lap. He rested his chin on top of your head as you snuggled into his chest, running his fingers through your wet hair slowly.

The two of you stayed like that silently for a few minutes before Frank heard your deep exhale.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t gotta thank me. You know that.”

“And you know that I’m going to.”

Frank couldn’t help but grin, shaking his head slowly as he held you even tighter to his chest.

“How you feelin’? Better?”

“Much.”

“This one hit fast, huh? Seemed like you were in higher spirits when I left earlier.”

“Yeah, it did.”

Frank glanced down at you, cupping your face in his large hand to get you to look at him. He studied you for a moment, brushing his thumb along your cheekbone softly.

“Somethin’ happen?”

“No…nothing happened. I-I don’t know. I felt okay this morning and then I just…didn’t.”

“S’alright, honey. Just checkin’.”

Another defeated exhale caused your shoulders to shrink. Frank leaned in to brush his nose against yours, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

“Hey, it ain’t your fault. You know that.”

“I know-”

“And there’s nothin’ wrong with you. So don’t go thinkin’ that shit. It happens to everyone, baby.”

“Not like this. Not everyone deals with this.”

“I know, but it’s outta your control.”

“And that’s what I hate. I hate not feeling in control of my own body, my own head. I know what’s happening, and I can’t do anything about it. I just…have to wait for it to pass.”

“You don’t gotta do it alone.”

Frank sighed quietly as he sat up a little straighter, turning your body so that you were straddling his waist as he held your face in both of his large hands.

“Baby, I love you. Alright? I’m here. I ain’t goin’ nowhere, no matter what. When this happens, we get through it together, yeah? We always get through it, don’t we?”

You leaned into Frank’s touch, wrapping your hands delicately around his wrists as you stared deeply into his eyes and nodded.

“Yeah, we do.”

“I’d say we’re doin’ pretty fuckin’ good, all things considered.”

A small giggle escaped your lips, and you couldn’t help but mirror the smile that spread over Frank’s mouth.

“Who knew Frank Castle would make such a good therapist?”

“Easy now, don’t go broadcastin’. I ain’t acceptin’ any new patients. I got my hands full.”

“Oh, do you?”

Frank’s lips split even further as a toothy grin took over his mouth, reaching behind you to grab your ass with both of his large hands, giving it a tight squeeze.

“Yeah, see?”

Your eyes widened as your mouth fell open, lightly slapping at his chest as you burst into a fit of giggles at his actions.

“Frank!”

“What? Made ya laugh, didn’t it?”

“Is this what Curtis is teaching you?”

“Nah, I decided to improvise on that one.”

All you could do was shake your head as you giggled loudly. It was nearly impossible not to smile when you were around Frank, but it was even harder when he was smiling. Frank had such a beautiful smile, and it always caused one to appear on your lips. It could light up the midnight sky, and oftentimes it chased the darkness away within you. His laughter bellowed from deep within his chest, and it spread a warmth throughout you as it enveloped you like a security blanket. Frank tilted his head to the side slightly as he gazed at you lovingly, bringing one of your hands up to his mouth to press a kiss to the back of your hand.

“Hey, you and me. Yeah?”

You couldn’t help but smile as you nodded, leaning in to press your forehead against his.

“Yeah. You and me.”

“Atta girl. Now, how ‘bout I order some Lombardi’s and you pick us a movie.”

“You’re letting me pick? Anything I want? Like…anything?”

Frank’s eyes narrowed slightly as he took in the excitement in your eyes and the grin on your mouth.

“Do I need to reiterate that I’m gettin’ you the best goddamn pizza in all of New York so you don’t torture me?”

“Now Frank, when have I ever tortured you?”

Frank arched one of his dark brows in question as a smirk curled at the side of your mouth.

“You want me to answer that honestly?”

“If anyone tortures anyone around here, it’s you.”

“Me? What the hell-”

You giggled as you pressed a finger to Frank’s mouth, leaning in to kiss his nose gently.

“Relax. I won’t torture you, I promise.”

Frank glared at you insincerely as your grin spread across your cheeks, letting out a deep exhale as he let his head fall back against the headboard.

“It’s gonna be a fuckin’ musical, ain’t it.”

“It’s not…technically a musical.”

“For fucks sake.”

“You promised you’d watch Moana with me months ago!”

“Alright, alright. Fine. Go put the damn thing on.”

As you queued up the movie and waited for Frank on the couch, you couldn’t stop yourself from giggling when you heard him grumbling to himself in the kitchen. His fingers aggressively tapped on his phone’s screen as he dialed the number to Lombardi’s, muttering a few swears and an exasperated fuckin’ Disney before placing your order. As he took his seat beside you on the couch, you grabbed his face and kissed him deeply, pulling away slowly with a soft smile.

“Thank you, Frankie. I love you.”

“I love you, shortcake. Always.”

#frank castle #frank castle x y/n #frank castle x you #frank castle x reader #frank castle x f!reader #frank castle x female reader #frank castle x fem!reader #frank castle fic #frank castle request #the punisher #the punisher fic #the punisher request

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babypuffinzoe · 4 months

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Happy new year! 🎉💖 I hope you're all doing well and that you had a lovely time over the winter holidays!

It's been quite a while since I was last on here, almost four months I think! The past few months have been quite a journey and also transformative for me in many ways. This post is an update on what has been going on with me lately and my plans for the future (warning: it may get dark at times but it's all okay in the end).

Back in August when I came home from my trip abroad I had family visiting, which was a mixture of emotions, and I ended up hitting my head really hard while they were over, leading to me getting a mild concussion. Although I feel like the word ‘mild’ doesn't accurately convey the pain that comes with such a concussion. 😂 During this time I was trying to pretend like everything was okay, when inside I was slowly losing my mind and life was becoming very overwhelming. After my last post in September, things got really bad for me, both with my physical and mental health.

From September onwards I had to face my medical phobia as I could no longer avoid going to the doctors. I was constantly fatigued, along with a range of other symptoms, and I suddenly developed a very weird rash which resembled meningitis and gave me quite the scare. Long story short, after many tests and a lot of stress, they were not able to determine what had caused the rash but at least it's nothing to be concerned about! I did, however, discover that I have a condition called hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is the most likely cause of all the pain and fatigue I experience. Now that I know this, I can better manage my days and have a better understanding of how my body works, so I’ve been kinder to myself lately.

I won't go into too much detail about all my mental health struggles at this time, since this post is already getting quite long! I have struggled with intrusive thoughts and ‘voices’ in my head since I was a child, which tell me very negative things about myself and my life. It was only in the past months that I have been able to realise with the help of my therapist that these thoughts are not true and not something I need to listen to or take on board when it comes to my life choices. I have been able to actually do things I enjoy again and I am hoping to keep up this momentum during 2024! There are still a lot of other things I am working on and that I currently struggle with, including managing my eating disorder, flashbacks, and PMDD (or potentially PME with the new research that is coming out). However, I am finally at a point where I feel confident in the direction my life is heading and I have more confidence in myself. When things get bad, I tend to isolate myself (one of the unhealthy habits I am working on changing). I struggle to share my feelings with others and hate feeling like a burden, so I pull away from everyone. When I first created my social media accounts, my goal was to use them to help me express myself and have a safe space to share my thoughts and feelings. I really want to put more effort into socialising this year and to isolate less. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to rely on others when I need it, as I would help them when they do. 💖

During all this I also had a friend move in to my house, which means I have a lot less privacy. That combined with the health scare I had meant I had to put ABDL and kinky stuff on hold for a while. I was also really struggling to get into littlespace and had a lot of confusing thoughts regarding kink in general and what I really wanted. I think I only wore diapers about twice over the months as I just couldn't get into the right headspace. I am happy to say that I am definitely feeling more little lately and I am excited to start wearing nappies again! 🤭

To end on a positive note, I want to share some good things that have happened over the past months. I have found a sport I really enjoy and have been consistently exercising now for the past month or so! I’m super proud of myself as this has been a goal of mine for years! And my daddy and I had our one year anniversary in December and spent Christmas together. 🥰

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages while I was away! Even if I haven't replied yet, know that I appreciate you checking up on me so much and I will try to get back to everyone this weekend! 😊💖 And thank you to all of you who continue to support me and care about me, it truly means a lot. I know I haven't been the most reliable in terms of content creation and I want to get better at that this year, as creating content is one of my favourite things to do and I have had so much fun with it in the past!

I hope 2024 is a great year for us all! Stay safe ily 💖

#personal #life update

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mihai-florescu · 2 months

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Hiiii could i ask about what exactly happened between leo and izumi? I've read checkmate, but I don't quite get it about how it's izumi's fault why leo started to lock himself up and all that stuff, especially when leoizu started talking during the performance. It's a bit confusing, but from what I understood, leo crumbled because of knowing the fact that he's been used and not loved, and chess breaking up from the inside. Thank you!!

Hii I'll start by saying that this is what I've made sense of this plotline for myself based on what i've read but I am welcome to other interpretations or insights or anything from anyone, it's also likely i could be forgetting things etc so if you have different views I'm curious to listen🫶 i totally welcome the possibility that i could be interpreting or piecing things together wrong (i'm mainly going off of checkmate, hortor night halloween, and next door) so, yeah, putting the disclaimer out there.

Let's see...

Things start going downhill since Leo realizes his music is seen as a weapon and chooses to act accordingly, and to make himself into one too. There's a response to rejection and to a world that doesn't think and feel like he did. But Leo loves bringing joy to people and doesn't actually like destroying others, so the pressure adds up. That's not what breaks him quite yet though (we'll return to that). He has Izumi he's vowed to fight for, a lifeline. But Izumi is driven by his pride and that gets bruised the more they fight, the more opponents' resentment follows them. They were doomed since the moment they started fighting through the dreamfes system. Making enemies out of fellow students when the system is based on student votes is bound for failure, let alone the mental turmoil being constantly surrounded by hatred and fighting brings.

So... Izumi and Leo are on edge more and more, sinking further with every battle. They already struggle with not really understanding or getting through to one another, or to interpret each other. Izumi believes Leo's breaking point came from being hated by others, and that he caused it alone by bringing the sensitive, trusting Leo to fight with him against the other students (taking advantage of Leo, even though Leo himself offered it. And he's not as blameless or stupid as one would think...). He never shows Leo gratitude or love anymore, is always unhappy and the 2 start arguing more seriously, their mental states plummeting the more they struggle, knowing it's futile. So when Leo breaks, Izumi can't help but blame his actions, his ambitions, him using Leo, him and his pride.

On the other hand, we only get Leo's pov in the Next Door monologue, where he reveals what broke him was using his genius songs as weapons and thus drowning out every other individual song that wasn't as skilled but could've been loved by someone. And at some point he starts doing it knowingly, in a way selling out. The unbearable atmosphere of wanting to win that sucks all joy out of music. While Knights is getting resented, Leo uses his composing of songs for others as weapons, drowning out their own voices and creating more destruction. So... it's still his love for people that breaks him in the end, in my opinion, just not what we originally thought through Izumi's view, or at least not fully that.

Leo's breakdown comes with a musical slump. And having tied so much of his worth to his songs, it takes the biggest toll on him. But... I really think it's a combination of everything. Leo's surprisingly self loathing the more you read stories with him so I don't fully believe his monologue in Next Door where he says it's all his fault, especially considering the state he was in during those chapters. I don't believe any of the characters when they say it's all their fault, too many little things were at play and piling up into tragedy, and none of them are really...reliable narrators. They're all in terrible headspaces when they thinks about what happened. But that's also why I feel like I myself could still be interpreting things wrong and welcome new insights and views.

Also... imo Izumi doesn't quite realise how much he cared for Leo until he's out of the picture, broken down, and they can't get back what they had. Ah i got side tracked. What was the question again. Did i even answer the question at all. All these guys are self loathing unreliable narrators...

#ask #anon #i guess...the answer is checkmate isnt quite enough for 2nd year izuleo lore. godspeed soldier

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 22 days

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hi, im a mutual of yours who is too shy/on&off tumblr to interact, but i do look up to you; and your blog and way of seeing things helped me in the past when i was struggling quite a bit.

Lately I feel as if im lost in life, lost my passions and floating aimlessly without a real goal, detached from the future etc. Do you have any advice? I appreciate ur view on things, hope this isnt overstepping 🌦🌈

hi its ok no pressure too interact w me ona personal level just cus were mutuals i enjoy the ambient bonds that can form on this website its why i stay ^^ and no it's not overstepping at a;ll sorry it took me a lil while to respond i was trying to think of good advice since i often feel lost too---

well firs t n foremost to give credit where credit is due, this bjork reddit AMA response really gets to the bottom of it , ever since i first read this here on tumbr a few years ago it really rly stuck w me:

the way this answer helped me is like, it helped me realize i dont need to be so regimented i dont need to put all this pressure on myself to create..All that does is feed into self inflicted guilt when i cant live up to my own expectations u.u you see for my whole life i've never been able to plan anything. yes i can think about the next steps i want to take, i can assemble a plan, i can see the logical way forward, but my moods. or like, idek. how to explain..

i cant force anything. if im not feeling it, i cant force it. ive STRUGGLED w this like i dont wanna be this way. because my feelings i cant predict. like for example i worked on music all winter because thats what i was feeling. then suddenly in march i just like, wasnt feeling it all of a sudden. As soon as it hit me i was like Fy767*T&UG*** because i didnt know when it was gonna come back. i still dont know!! im just trying to be patient waiting it out..in the mean time i have suddenly become enthused with drawing again after not ~feeling~ drawing for most of 2023. sometimes i go for weeks where i dont take a single photo and then suddenly it starts flowing again.. my website was also left untouched for most of 2023 until recently.

thats just one example of this repeating pattern in my life that i didnt understand for so long. theres years of my 20s where i couldnt feel passion for anything at all, looking back now i believe those times i was meant to be focusing on stuff in my psyche that needed healing to clear out some headspace for art. and this bjork quote put a lot into perspective it showed me how to reformulate my thinking to be more accomodating to my disposition. when i'm patient & kind w myself, take each day as it comes, let go of the imaginary pressure, let go of "the future", stuff starts to come thru easier.

and maube its gonna show up in ways you dont expect but its true that the mundane world offers so many ways to practice being creative & giving u stuff to weave into the art u want to create.. every water fall starts w a single drop its trueits true :] thats my advice i spose i really didnt meant to write this much but im boooored.. actually my nighttime boredom writing is one of those habits i never considered to b creative until very recently. there's so many small & automatic things we do that can lead to a meaningful life & purpose.

thanks for the question anon i hope this helps in some way , this is whats helped me but everyone's process is different. and i still have moments where im like WTFFF is happening but its easier to ride it out now. i wish the same for you just give it time <3 thanks again xPmd9

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valcksys · 9 months

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source separation

(And my journey with it, all under the cut!)

I thought I’d write a long ranty post about source separation, since I’m an alter who’s gone through it (mostly). I just want to get my experiences out there and possibly help some other alters who might be struggling with this topic understand it more or, whatever.

So let’s start with Introductions! I’m Samantha, but I usually go with just Sam. I’m a factional introject of an ow esports player named S9mm. I use she/her pronouns and identify as a trans woman. (This will be important later.)

I first formed around June last year, so I’ve been around for a bit. When I first started getting my bearings, I was terrified! I mean, I’d been ripped away from my life (which was quite good most of the time!) and now I was stuck here, in a new body, alone. In a pretty abusive environment. Not fun at all!

My first reaction to all of this was escape. Which is to say I was so deep in wanting to be back in my source, and wanting to have my body and face and life back that I couldn’t focus on living the one I’m in right now. Whenever I fronted I was fucking miserable. All I could think about was my “past”. To me, this is an example of being unhealthily attached to your source. If it’s getting in the way of enjoying your current life or focusing on it then that’s not good!

I had a long chat with another alter, who’d been in the system for a while and went through that same deal. And the first thing they told me was to stop interacting with anything related to my source. Just find out who you are. Minus the source. Minus the premade personality and form you came with. Once you’ve found it, you can start to merge the two together. Finding you while still identifying with your source is possible. There’s just a delicate balance that I was definitely not balancing well.

And this is what I did for a while, I stopped watching OWL games, I stopped playing Overwatch, and I focused more on the things going on around me. I started trying new things. I learned stuff about myself! And it was nice. I’ve picked up art as a hobby, I love drawing. I also enjoy other video games, particularly roguelikes and rpgs which I never thought I would’ve liked. If I hadn’t ever let go partly of my source and who I’m “supposed” to be, I wouldn’t’ve ever discovered those things. During this period I also began realizing I might be a trans woman. (Source is a Cis male.) For a while I rejected it, still having that feeling in the back of my mind that it’s wrong because my source is a cis man. As well as all of the more typical woes that come with transness. (Which I’m going to assume nearly everyone reading this understands.)

Once I took that break, and found myself, I realized that life didn’t feel as. Well frankly, ASS, anymore. I wasn’t constantly dissociating, wishing I was “home” or the like. Home was here now, and I began to accept it. I participated more in our daily life.

After I did accept that I’m a trans woman, and that I’m Samantha, not S9mm, I was able to then reconnect with my source in a healthy way. I could watch content from my source and enjoy it without feeling like shit, I could play Overwatch and enjoy that without feeling like shit.

The point of me typing all this out really, is that there’s always a DEGREE of source separation that is healthy, and should be encouraged. But you don’t have to completely detach from your source.

I mean, my name is still Sam. I still look like my source in the headspace. (Kinda, I’m just more girly now lol.) I still refer to my pseudomemories and make jokes about my source and enjoy my source.

You can definitely have both!

Anyway rant’s over I hope this helps someone or something idk.

#made by sam #sorry for so many tags #I just want this to reach people #did system #traumagenic system #osddid #actually did #traumagenic #polyfrag system #introject #factive #fictive #factroject #fictroject #system #actually dissociative

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lilveeblog · 1 year

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✩ little!JJ head canons

jay’s little age is usually about 3-6 but after a particularly tough case she gets younger

her nickname when regressed is jay, to help herself and team differentiate between adult jj and little jj

she tends to be quite quiet, cuddly and shy but when settled deep into her headspace and feeling comfortable - she’s a little power rocket

although she’s been regressing around the team since she joined, she still gets nervous when it happens - awkward and sometimes it takes some coaxing

emily (emi/mama) is her main caregiver but the entire team all look out for her, always

she’s a giggling mess usually, it was a regression tell for the team

she always has her baby pink blanket with her, she genuinely cant sleep without it

nightmares are a common thing due to her job but usually, cuddles with a grownup she loved and a story will help her calm down

she loves bath time !! she loves playing mermaids and with the ducks

little jay often struggles with sensory issues, making things very overwhelming for her sometimes but the team know how to help

✩ emily!cg head canons

emily adores little jj, she finds peace in taking care of her. particularly after a long, hard case that doesn’t end well, she’s always grateful for her baby’s smile

she knows jj , and jay, like an open book and knows what she needs without her even saying it

she’s strict, making sure to keep jay polite, gentle and kind although jay was usually as good as gold

every night, emily makes sure the routine is set for her little one as it helps jay sleep better

she spoils little jj to the max, sometimes this can lead to jj being a little bit bratty when tired or grumpy but emily puts her in check

she has things in her office for her girl, sweets for when she is good, a spare blanket in case, a few teddies, a paci and a sippy cup, just in case

emily loves having the others around when jj is small, feeling pride in their little dynamic

✩a/n

hey friends ☆ this will be a blog dedicated to little!jj and cg!emily from the criminal minds show !!

i’m a little myself, this is mainly just projection of my issues onto something i love so dearly

pls feel free to request, message and interact with me !! i don’t bite hehe

enjoy and i look forward to making you smile :)

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ghostcrows · 11 months

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That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

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choppedupnotkilled · 2 months

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I understand seeking out harmful and hurtful content as a method of coping with self hatred and internalized transphobia, I really do

I can tell you that you deserve better than that, which you do, but I know from experience that me saying that will probably not do a lot to change the headspace that you're in

so instead I have some advice that worked for me. follow it or don't, it's up to you. all I can do is say that it helps. it doesn't fix everything, but it helps

you know all that anger and loathing that's been building up inside you? you can use that. you can redirect it towards people and ideologies that are actually deserving of that hate

those radfems that you follow because there's a release in how their words hurt you? those are some of the people who actually deserve that anger and hatred. they like having an audience, they like knowing that their words align with your internalized transphobia. don't let them win. your anger is better served as a method of no longer being their audience. that hate you have for yourself can become hatred of them, and the best way to hurt them is to not let them hurt you

that's a place to start. and one day, you won't hate yourself quite so much

and if you can't do it for yourself, do it in the name of all the other trans people out there who are struggling with that same self-hatred

alright mask off time

why do radfems deserve hate?

The whole 'women are people who identify as women' thing is circular reasoning, and radfems can define what a woman is without using circular reasoning, their definition is something along the lines of 'a person whose sex is organized around producing ovum' which is inclusive of intersex people who can't produce ovum because something went wrong with the development of their female reproductive system

Gender is stereotypes that are societally assigned to the sexes and not inherent to them, cis gay people don't meet the stereotypes for their sex but that doesn't make them a different gender, trans and gnc people can have the stereotypes of the opposite sex applied to them but that doesn't have anything to do with self-identification

People aren't allowed to self-identify as a different race so why is gender different?

Anyway I'm praying to gods that I don't believe in that none of what I just said is true and I actually can be a man so if anyone has any counterarguments that they'd like to send me instead of immediately blocking me for sympathizing with radfems that would be great, I've gotten chest pains and shit over this over the past few days and I haven't been able to focus for shit for a while partially due to gender dysphoria so that's great

The wording in my pinned post was an attempt to remain crypto lmao I legitimately don't know if I agree with radfems or not because it's hard for me to trust my judgement when my mom apparently thinks my judgement is bad enough for me to gaslight myself into having dozens of memories of dysphoria/wanting to be male and all that over my lifetime and get groomed by teenagers who mostly post anime catgirl memes

#personal post

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justanothersyscourse · 1 year

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Guys, let's have a chat

This one is going to be incredibly sensitive, and will involve the topic of abuse and suicide, so if you're not in the right headspace, keep scrolling and come back another time ❤️ I hope you feel better soon.

I think this is a discussion that everyone should have at some point, if you haven't already, but it seems to be forgotten quite easily in the heat of the moment.

So let's start with the Big Statement™️

Threats of suicide are a manipulation tactic.

This isn't about someone coming to you in confidence to talk about mental health struggles and ideation, opening up to you about what's going on in their head. It's not about people rationally and healthily discussing their interpretation of your words and actions to avoid triggers.

This is about people who tell you that you are the reason they are going to hurt themselves. That say that something you did is the problem. That use the threat as a way to keep you in line and from expressing your own boundaries and talking about your own mental health and emotions.

This is about people who use threats of suicide to direct attention away from their own actions and to emphasise yours.

When I was a teen, I was in a relationship like this, with a boyfriend who would threaten suicide when things weren't done "right" or when I tried to leave. I wish someone had told me back then that whatever they did wasn't actually my fault. That their life wasn't my responsibility.

That I needed to take care of myself first, no matter the consequences.

That it was not my fault that the other person wasn't taking care of themselves.

That it wasn't my responsibility to get them help or to stay around until all of the joy and light had been snuffed out of me. That I didn't have to resign myself to a miserable life because of guilt and fear over another person's own decisions and actions.

It's a hard concept to wrap your head around when you want to help people and you find confrontation difficult. It's a hard concept when society pushes politeness for the sake of others over selfcare for yourself.

But make no mistake.

Loud, obnoxious, demanding threats like that should be ignored.

Turning around and giving in only shows the manipulator that it's working and that you're controllable. Attention from outsiders only gains them sympathy and more power, turning people against you. It can be hard and isolating, but you're not alone.

When you're in these kinds of relationships and situations, it can feel like there's no right answers or actions to take. It's so hard to tell yourself that is not your responsibility, and that it's not your fault.

The only right answers are to allow the behaviour to continue at the expense of your OWN mental health, or taking the harsh step of saying, "that's not appropriate and I'm not engaging until you stop or get help."

My mom's ex called her once after they broke up, and he was telling her how he was going to kill himself without her, how horrible she was for not thinking of him and his needs, how hard things were for him now and how he would be better off dead. I had been the one to find the inappropriate pictures of my sister, and my mom was still struggling. She hadn't seen them, the phone had been taken during the investigation.

But what she did in response will stay with me forever.

While he was on the phone saying this, she asked for my phone, and she called 911. She told them he was a danger to himself, she let them hear what he was saying over the speaker.

In minutes, there were emergency services at his house, and he was running from them, calling my mom a bitch over the phone, what was she thinking calling the police, OBVIOUSLY he wasn't going to do that, he didn't say that, he wasn't serious. In the background you could hear the police and medics, "Sir, please stop running, sir, come back, sir, we just need to talk."

She did the right fucking thing.

And I learned.

And I will do the same fucking thing if it ever happens to me.

I will use the report function. I will call them on their threats. I will stand up for myself. I will put myself first, above all else.

I will not take responsibility for someone's decisions and actions that are out of my control and come at the expense of my own health, safety and worth. I will recognize that it's not my responsibility to ensure someone else is getting the help they appear to need. I will not hold myself responsible for someone that won't help themselves.

And you should do those things, too.

Please be safe out there.

You deserve to be safe.

You deserve to think of yourself first, and not feel guilty for it.

#tw #tw abuse #tw suicide #tw sh

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olderthannetfic · 1 year

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Sorry in advance for treating this like ‘Dear Abby’ but I am in need of some advice from a Queer Adult TM…

So, I have this friend who I’ve known for about ten years now. We’re seventeen right now, so let’s just say we went through allllll the phases together. We realized we were queer together, we had our first fandom experiences together (they were actually the person who introduced me to fanfic, which I’m really grateful for, because ever since it has been an integral part of my life), we were DeviantArt furry artists together circa 2016, it was a lot of embarrassing but also fun times. We are also both… and quite mentally ill and it was nice to have someone to help me through the worst bits (when I didn’t have access to therapy or meds) and how I could help them in return.

Lately (maybe over the past 2 years?) we’ve been drifting apart. I think it has a lot to do with the fact we don’t have many common interests anymore (they stopped caring about mine, and stopped sharing theirs with me), but we still do a lot together. They’re my coworker, a member of my ttrpg group, etc. etc.. Due to social anxiety they were my only friend for many years but now I have a few more, so I don’t mind not being as close to them (and I dislike putting the burden of me being reliant/clingy on them). However, they’ve recently been making it harder and harder for me to keep that friendship.

They smoke weed, get shitty stick and pokes, binge energy drinks and shoplift. I don’t have any moral issue with any of those things, but it’s concerning to me because I know they are not in the the right headspace to make those decisions about substances (and the rest). We have both struggled with mental illness, self-harm, and eating disorders. Part of the reason I drifted away from them is because they have no filter and “vent” about their problems to the point where it is very triggering to me (especially in terms of sh and ed). I don’t mind lending an ear but I also have boundaries that I put in place for myself… But yeah, even though they have access to treatment it seems not to be working, or there’s something hindering it. It really hurts to see them in such a bad place because we started out in similar places in regards to our mental health and now that I’m in a better place, they’re not.

I genuinely love and care about this person, but it’s so hard to help them when they shut down every form of help I + the rest of our mutual friends can offer. They’re very manipulative, I would like to think without meaning to, to the point where they twist my words around (for example, recently they did something extremely inappropriate and when I told them I was concerned for their well-being, they said they were sorry for making me “uncomfortable”). They’re also one of those people that plays oppression Olympics, and insists their parents are homophobic and tried to send them to conversion therapy— I know their parents very well, they are literal leftists who have pride flags in their front yard, campaign for politicians that support queer and trans rights, and attend one of the only completely gay-friendly and supporting churches in the area. But the way they talk about them causes other people to dislike them and think they’re homophobic, which they have noticed. I think it’s cruel to them, and also symptomatic of a larger problem that my friend has— they don’t seem to understand that their actions and words have consequences for other people.

I guess what I wanted to ask was: is it worth cutting this person off? I have a feeling that we were naturally grow even farther apart as we go to university, because our values are very different… They’re an anti, I’m not, they have a very surface-level views of politics and believe everything they read in Instagram infographics, I don’t. I don’t consider myself very mature, but they look very immature next to me. Besides, being around them often ends up negatively impacting me as well. However, I worry that cutting them off will makes things worse for them. I don’t want to see them get even more hurt. My confrontations haven’t been doing anything, but maybe they’ll come to their senses eventually.

I really don’t know what to do in this situation, but I’d appreciate any advice from anyone willing to offer it.

Since you're about to go off to college, I'd let the friendship naturally fade.

It's not your job to save this person, and I do think you need to get away from them since they don't seem to be making an effort. But since you're naturally drifting away anyway, I don't think having a big, dramatic friend breakup will help anything.

On another note, everyone should have a moral objection to shoplifting. Not only is it dishonest and a sign that something is fucking wrong with you to shoplift, but shoplifters directly hurt retail peons who will get their pay cut as a result of store losses.

People who do this aren't sticking it to the man. They're parasites who hurt other nobodies.

The fact that a lot of teens (American teens?) think this disgraceful behavior is normal enrages me.

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fedorahead · 2 months

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i've been talking with my husband on the topic of the hypervigilance of oppressed minorities and traumatized people in general.

when a group of people are under constant threat, the individuals in those groups have to face every situation with the understanding that it can be an attack on them, it can be a threat to their safety or their life, it can destroy their relationships and even interfere with their jobs or housing or children. i know this, firsthand, as i imagine many people on this site do... and i'm demonstrably not above overcompensating for that looming threat myself, but i often struggle to see it in others. and thinking of myself as a threat, or a potential one, has to be a mindful exercise because it does not come naturally and honestly i haven't ever really had a strong need to consider.

i dunno if we're all really being played against each other. it feels like it, a lot of the time. but we all have to see each other as potentially life ruining, because honestly any stranger could be with the wrong series of choices or too public an online persona or letting too many details of your life out where people can find them.

and being in this headspace of at least a little bit but usually quite a lot more than a little bit on edge all the time is exhausting, it's awful, it makes us respond to things from that position of "this conversation is dangerous to me". which sucks somewhere like tumblr where regardless of what the people in charge are doing, the majority of the users are here for love, support, to share fandoms or art or whatever to create a beautiful space. and, often, to band together in solidarity. this is the only site i see hundreds of posts sending love and support to palestinians without the weird mysterious ~glitches~ that leave people unable to comment on pro-palestine posts. it's the only site i see mutual aid and emergency crowdfunding numbers actually go up as they get reblogged and passed around to people who may not even have enough for their own bills but are farther from homelessness than the person asking and so they donate what they can anyway. it's a beautiful community full of people stuck on survival mode, trying their best.

so i engaged with a post tonight earnestly, seeing it only from my perspective. which... is something we all need to work on as a general rule, but also i pride myself on my ability to see things from different angles and even being good at that i still very much did not understand the other side. explaining why i was getting pushback for what i said to someone who has less context and understanding helped me to realize, well, why i was getting pushback. and unlike experiences i've had before, in places more cynical and less communal, the people upset with me were also being earnest and i handled that poorly.

i don't ever want a trans woman (or anyone) on this website to feel like i am a danger to them, their safety... or even their joy on this site. because honestly, wrecking someone's day by being hostile to them is more than just getting some justice or being heard like it feels like in the moment. it's also adding to the pile of tiny and huge awful things they're dealing with already. it's telling that survival mode that yeah, actually, this time you were right and you should get up at arms at this person because they are damaging. because it is damage. every random pulse of cortisol from every self-righteous message is adding to the unnecessary shitty stress levels. every increasingly tense back and forth argument is a genuinely dangerous conflict on a biological level. our brains don't know the difference. and yeah, nobody's going to have a heart attack because somebody was a jerk to them online (i hope). but we have seen what too many jerks over too long does to. and when there's waves of negativity, it doesn't matter how big or small a part each person plays, because they're still adding up together to that wave. and trans women, every single trans woman right now, is facing one hell of a fucking wave.

so... i'm sorry my misread of a situation meant that i added to that. i'm sure it will happen again, but also, i think this will serve as a reminder to me next time to shut up, at least until i've actually put in the effort to understand what's even really being discussed, under the surface or on it, in the first place.

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