#i really thought mass effect would be the only game to make me feel something so intense but look at me now

[anim-ttrpgs]

Why I Dislike PbtA Games, and How Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy is Their Opposite

@tender-curiosities

It is no secret that I hate PbtA games.

Though due to a recent misunderstanding regarding another post, I’m going to preface this post by saying that this is going to be a very opinionated post and

I do not seriously think that PbtA games are inherently bad, though I may sometimes joke about this.

While I do often question the taste of people who make and play PbtA hacks, I do not think poorly of their moral character.

While I am going to call for PbtA to be used less as a base for games in the future, I’m not saying that the whole system and all games based on it should be destructified. It’s good for what it’s good for, but unless you’re doing that, I really think you should use something else.

Now that that is out of the way, here’s what I have to say about it.

My first experiences with PbtA games were pretty rough. Monster of the Week was not the first, but it was one of the first ‘indie’ TTRPGs I played after having previously played mostly only D&D3.5e and 5e. I really appreciated that the use of 2D6 over a D20 meant that the dice results would be more predictable, and I really liked the various “classes” I was seeing. (At this time, I didn’t really understand that they weren’t really “classes” at all, though I think I can be forgiven for this because many people, even people who like PbtA games, still talk like “classes” and “playbooks” are interchangeable.)

I was very enthusiastic to play, until it came time to start actually “making” a character, and found that I couldn’t “make” a character. I wanted to make a nuanced, three-dimensional PC who was simultaneously stereotype-affirming and stereotype-defying, with a unique backstory and dynamic with the other characters—but when I went to actually fill out the character sheet for basically any “class”, I found that most of the backstory and most of the personality for my character was being set for me by the playbook. It felt like the only thing about the character I really had a say in was their name, and that two PCs of the same playbook would actually turn out to be almost identical characters. At the time, I thought this was very restrictive and very bad design.

Later, now that I understand the design intent behind it, I still think of it as very restrictive, but I think of it as very bad design for me, not inherently bad.

When I play a TTRPG, I want more freedom in who my PC is. That doesn’t mean I want less rules, in fact having more rules can often increase freedom, but that’s a different post. I want to create original, unique characters, that I won’t see anywhere else. If it’s a class-based system, I want that class to barely touch the details of my character’s backstory or personality, so that I can come up with something original and engaging for why and how this “Fighter” fights. This means that two level-1 Fighters, despite having almost the same mechanical abilities, will potentially be very different people.

PbtA games don’t let you do that. In a lot of PbtA games, you’re not playing your own original character, you’re playing someone else’s character, that every other player that has picked up the same playbook before you has played. It’s more like “character select” than “character creation.” I think I could liken it to playing Mass Effect or The Witcher. Every player may pick a few different dialogue choices in those games that change the story, but we’re still all playing Shepherd or Geralt. No one is going to experience a new never-before-seen story in Mass Effect or The Witcher, which is very much a factor of them being video games and not TTRPGs, and therefore limited to the amount of code, writing, and voice-acting that can go into them.

This anonymous asker who sent a message to @thydungeongal seems to feel pretty similarly to me about PbtA games, and @thydungeongal's response is a very good response about how people find this appealing.

I have more respect for PbtA now than I did, but I still don't like it because to me it seems to play so much against what I consider to be the strengths of TTRPGs as a medium, much like how video games like The Last of Us and David Cage games play against the strengths of the medium of video games, and I will never like it. But other people clearly do, so to each their own.

Then another reason I don’t like it is because I think it’s oversaturating the TTRPG space. I’ve referred to PbtA before as “indie D&D5e”, and i do think that’s a reasonable comparison, because in much the same way that you always hear “D&D5e is a system that can do everything”, I think a lot of people seem to be under the impression that the PbtA system is a system that can do anything. It’s kinda the système du jour for indie TTRPGs right now, and many iterations of it make it clear that many designers do not consider how PbtA differs from more traditional TTRPGs, and how it is specialized for different types of TTRPG gameplay. Just like how I feel PbtA isn’t playing to certain important strengths of TTRPGs, I think that many—maybe even most—PbtA hacks don’t play to the strengths of PbtA. But this isn’t really PbtA’s fault, that comes down to any individual indie TTRPG developer on a case-by-case basis. And the cure for that is something I’m always saying: If you are going to be a writer, you have got to read lots of books. If you are going to be a director, you have got to watch lots of movies. If you are going to be a video game developer, you have got to play lots of video games. And if you are going to be a TTRPG designer, you have got to read and play lots of TTRPGs. That and you have to understand that TTRPGs are specialized. Even "agnostic" systems like PbtA are somewhat specialized, and therefore might really not be a great fit for the game you’re trying to make.

That and, to get more subjective again, there’s like an ocean of them, and I don’t even like the ones that are actually good.

Now that I’ve talked about how I don’t like PbtA games, I’m gonna talk about a game I do like: Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy. Obviously, I like it because I’m the lead writer for it, but I would also like it even if I wasn’t the lead writer for it, because it’s just my kinda game. Eureka is the opposite of a PbtA game. I wrote it to play to what I feel are the strengths of the TTRPG medium.

Eureka’s character creation uses personality traits as a mechanical element of the character, but it does so in a deliberately freeform way. You build your character’s personality out of a list of traits, so who your character is is very much linked to what your character can do, but we aren’t just handing you a pre-made character.

Eureka is designed to incentivize organic decision-making by the PCs, most often by the mechanics of the game mirroring the world they live in. Every mechanic aims to create situations wherein “what will the PC do next?” is a question whose answer can be predicted - it doesn’t need to be ordained by a playbook.

One of my favorite examples of this is, rather than a “Fear Check” forcing the PC to run away if they fail, or “Run Away from Danger” being a “Move” on their character sheet, Eureka opts for the Composure mechanic. The really short version is that one of the main things that lowers a PC’s Composure is encountering scary stuff, and the lower a PC’s Composure, the more likely they are to fail skill checks, and the more likely they are to fail skill checks, well, the less brave they and their player probably feel about them standing up to this scary monster. So if the PC has low Composure, they are more likely to choose to run away. The lower their Composure, the better idea that will seem.

This system really really shines when it comes to monster PCs in Eureka. Most monsters benefit a lot more from having high Composure, but have fewer ways to restore Composure than mundane PCs. Their main way to restore their Composure is by eating people. The rulebook never says “your monster PC has to eat people”, but more likely than not, they’re going to be organically steered towards that by the game and world itself. Sure, they could decide to be “one of the good ones”, and just never eat people, just like you reading this could decide to stop eating food. You technically could, but when your body starts to fail, how long would you? (This is a big part of the themes of Eureka and what it has to say about crime, disability, mental illness, and evil. People don’t just arbitrarily do bad things, it is often their circumstances that leads them down that path until they see little choice for themselves in that matter, and “harmful” people are still just as deserving of life as people who “aren’t harmful”, but that really deserves its own post.)

It has been said that Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy actually arrives at much the same end as the PbtA game Monsterhearts, and I actually don’t disagree, but it gets there from an entirely different starting point and direction. The monster PCs in Eureka are very likely to eat people and cause drama, but it won’t be because they have “Eat People and Cause Drama” as a “Move” on their character sheet.

Monsters in Eureka have a lot of abilities, which they can use to solve (and create) problems as the emergent story emerges organically.

(Oh and Eureka is about adult investigators investigating mysteries, and sometimes those investigators are monsters, not about monster kids in high school, to be clear. The same “end” that Eureka and Monsterhearts reach is that of the monsters being prone to cause problems and drama due to the fact that they are monsters, though this isn’t the sole point of Eureka, just one element of it.)

You can pick up the free shareware version of this game from the download link on our website, or the full version for $5 from our Patreon.

And don’t forget, Eureka is fundraising on Kickstarter starting on April 10th, 2024! We need your support there most of all, to make sure we hit our goals and can afford to make the best version of Eureka we can make!

Interested in branching out but can’t get your group to play anything but D&D5e? Join us at the A.N.I.M. TTRPG Book Club, where we nominate, vote on, and play indie TTRPGs, all organized by our team with no strict schedule requirement! Here's the invite link! See you there!

We also have merchandise.

#eureka: investigative urban fantasy #ttrpg #rpg #roleplaying #eureka #tabletop #monsters #coc #allied forces #monsterhearts #pbta #powered by the apocalypse #motw #monster of the week #motw ttrpg #motw character #d&d 5e #d&d #dungeons and dragons #dnd #dnd5e #d&d5e #fighter #indie #indiegames #indie game #indie games #indie designer #ttrpg design #ttrpg community

[mswyrr]

THG is the only pop culture story I can think of where the heroes (Katniss and Peeta) are disabled* and their happy ending doesn't require that they be "fixed" in order to be happy. IMO, part of why there's such controversy over the ending of the books in particular is that Collins wrote the pov of Katniss as a woman who is content and loves her life and her spouse and kids, but she's still very clearly mentally ill (and arguably somewhere on the spectrum). She has coping strategies and her life is good, but she will never be "normal" and Collins doesn't let the audience think that.

The one part, where she talks about how she handles the darker days, when she's really struggling, never fails to move me:

I’ll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I’m afraid it could be taken away. That’s when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I’ve seen someone do. It’s like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play. (Mockingjay, 332)

It's hard to express how important that is to me. Someone doesn't have to be "normal" to lead a good life. Someone doesn't have to be "normal" to have a life worth living, to give and receive love in good ways.

And, so, when people look at the villain in the prequel and say "he's just crazy, that's why he's evil. He's just a psycho, he's nuts," it's so out of place, it's so dissonant to me -- I think that's absolutely not the kind of story Collins would tell, given her prior handling of disability.

I don't think she's suddenly turned into a Victorian writer where you can know someone is evil because they're disabled because the writer thinks disabled people are warped creatures incapable of doing anything but bringing evil into the world. And the way people assert this, as if it's the pure, wholesome, most politically advanced reading of the prequel, is just - it doesn't compute for me. I don't understand how people get there.

I studied (for years) the treatment of mentally ill people in the mid-20th Century US. It was horrific. US forced sterilization and eugenics laws actually inspired N/azi Germany's forced sterilization, eugenics, and mass murder campaigns against mentally ill and disabled people. Nice, normal people have repeatedly convinced themselves that torturing and killing disabled people is how they will "purify" their society - they've done great evil in the name of rooting out the people evil is supposedly located within biologically.

Is it so hard to believe that people with normal brains do evil? Is it truly so impossible? Even in a story where the Games are about how a lot of people, the majority of whom are neurotypical, can be brought, via media presentation and entertainment techniques, into taking pleasure in their participation in evil? It's so hard to fathom that evil can't simply be located in someone being "psycho"?

Ballad already has Dr Gaul, who is evil and clearly neurodivergent. If Snow is too then the message starts to get kind of worrying? IMO, Coriolanus is more effective as a kind of “everyman” as an 18 year old - an example of the incentive structures (rewards and punishments) and propaganda that motivate “normal” people to go along. Of course, he will later become something far worse than that, someone who takes control of this thing, who uses his intimate knowledge of it and his insight into other “normal” people to make it worse, but that’s not the part of his life we see the most of. The part the book focuses on provides what I consider a powerful depiction of how ordinary people are acculturated into corrupt societies.

It's fiction so there's all kinds of interpretations that the text can support and exploring those is good. It's a stronger text because it has ambiguities and can be interpreted more than one way. But the intensity of some of the rhetoric is an unsettling contrast to what I've thought, for over a decade, Collins' themes and pov are as a writer.

*Shame on the films for removing Peeta's physical disability, though; in the books he lost a leg during their first Games

#thg meta #my meta #i'm gonna try to leave it at this now - i don't want to keep letting this bother me so much #the hunger games #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #maybe Coriolanus Snow is the evil neurotypical representation we need lol #i'm going to unsubscribe from the reddit i think #that is where i am seeing a lot of this #and it's just not worth it

[dragonflight203]

Some thoughts as I replay Mass Effect 1:

-Hackett is one of the ones to recommend Shepard as a spectre. No wonder he feels comfortable calling them up for missions through the game. He probably feels Shepard owes them a few.

-One of Joker's first lines is that he doesn't like having spectres on board. That tune changes quite quickly.

-The game eases into aliens. For the few couple of hours the player only interacts with humans and one turian. Another turian is shown in a cutscene. Geth, which are basically advanced robots, are enemies you can kill without guilt. It's not until the citadel that the game really embraces alien diversity. Bioware's wariness on how comfortable players would be about aliens shows very clearly.

-During the Eden Prime drop scene Kaidan is the one to ask about survivors. Of course he is. Kaidan, you paragon.

-Everyone learned about aliens in school. Everyone is an adult. First contact was 30 odd years ago. How exactly did the curriculum get updated so quickly that everyone learned about this in school? Bioware, your timelines make me cry.

-Manuel definitely got hit by the beacon at some point. Interesting that he also saw Saren, but his speech is so confusing no one realizes he's talking about a second turian.

-Nihlus may feel differently about humans than Saren, but he is Saren's student. He skipped all the survivors and made a beeline to the beacon. He's not cruel, but he is efficient. The beacon is the priority.

-Nihlus, we hardly knew ya. Every time I replay it's always surprising how short his screen time is. And those faces when he interacts with Saren... Bioware did a very good job on making him nonhuman but still recognizably expressive. The difference in facial expressions between ME1 and MEA are light years.

-Benezia is clearly used to Saren's tantrums. She dodged like it's something she does on a regular basis.

-Kaidan, about informing the Council about Saren: "Makes sense. They'd probably like to know he's not working for them anymore." Love this man.

-Kaidan only gets migraines. Having experienced one recently, that's a big only. And he's soldier that's frequently in combat. I hope the future has excellent pain killers.

-For this playthrough I'm planning to have Tali and Liara as companions, so I'm skipping everything on the Citadel that isn't necessary or unique to the first visit until I pick them up. It makes the game feel quite different. I usually spend hours on the Citadel during my first visit; this time I'm leaving quite quickly.

-Pallin's skepticism about humanity makes more sense when Harkin is considered. Harkin was the first human in C-Sec, he's corrupt as hell, and humanity did a lot behind the scenes to protect him. Pallin's big on following the law no matter what. No wonder he's not impressed by humanity.

-Anderson has extreme tunnel vision about Saren. From the minute he's mentioned he's convinced Saren's behind it and he's doing it solely out of hatred of humanity. He repeatedly brings this up.

Meanwhile, in the game I get the vibe that Saren doesn't care about humanity too much. He doesn't like them, he might antagonize them if the opportunity comes up, but they're not worth the bother to put actual effort into tormenting. Humanity just isn't that important to him.

-Love those silent interactions between council members where they just look at each other. Again, the difference between ME1 and MEA is stark.

-Going by the Geth core Tali retrieved, Saren considers Eden Prime a victory. The tantrum he threw indicates otherwise. Does he really consider it a victory, or is that just a speech he gave to motivate the Geth?

-At this time, I'm not convinced Anderson believes in the Reapers. He still thinks it's Saren, he just doesn't think it's worth debating Shepard on it.

-I genuinely like Udina as a character. I'd hate to be around him, but he's determined to do a good job, pragmatic, and truly devoted to humanity. Also nice to have someone around who pushes back against Shepard. ME3 wastes him.

-Garrus mentions that he rose in the ranks through C-Sec. What was his actual rank? Detective or the like, I presume. Pallin knows who he is, and that's impressive considering the number of officers there are. Even with Castis as a father.

-Tali mentions Quarian overseers to the Geth when speaking to Shepard. The game definitely pushes the slavery parallels with the Geth, even in ME1. "Overseer" is not the first term I'd use for supervising machinery. Or maybe that's the American cultural bias showing through.

-Everyone info dumps in ME1. Everyone. Enjoyable, but a bit exhausting at the start of the game when it feels continuous.

-Liara in ME1 is a completely different character than in ME2 and ME3. I'm hesitant to consider the change natural growth. It's a shame, because ME1 Liara has quite a bit of potential. They didn't need to rework her character for the later games.

-First time playing on Insanity, and I'm surprised at the lack of trouble I've had so far. Everyone says the battle with the krogan at the end of Therum is difficult, but I only died once. I might regret this later, when I get to the Uncharted worlds...

Edit: Fix spellings

#mass effect #mass effect 1 #mass effect 1 replay

[bioware-bard]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Received this message in my inbox right before my latest depressive episode, am currently trying to crawl back out of that dark pit, so this should be interesting.

Writing > Just in general, yeah. The action of writing, putting words together and forming sentences, creating images in the reader's mind. The feel and sound of skin brushing on paper, the scritches of the pen as it moves. Then the rush when an idea comes to mind, one that excites you as it fills a gap, solves a problem or is just fun.

Reading > Being transported to different worlds, realms and universes just by words on a page. I can't wait to get my hands on Sarah J. Maas' latest Crescent City book. Seriously, I'm not excited about much right now, but this book? This book I need in my life and I might spend some grocery money on it, because fuck it. It makes me happy. :D

A good book to TV adaptation > Netflix's atrocity that they blasphemously call The Witcher is a good example of how not to do it. You know which one did get it right? Percy Jackson and the Olympians. The season finale was yesterday and I can't wait for season 2! Everything about this show was great: the casting of the characters, the adaptations to the story, the sceneries and sets. Seriously, some of the shots on the show are exactly what those locations looked like in my mind when I was reading the book. Also, the new live action Avatar: The Last Airbender looks really good. Might have to borrow my dad's account to check it out.

BioWare Games > I'm way behind the times and only started playing BioWare games 3 years ago and started with Dragon Age: Inquisition 'cause, you know, I'm backwards. XD After finishing all of the Dragon Age games, the Mass Effect Legendary Edition was free for me with my Playstation subscription so I was like, "Eh, why not." (I thought it was just a shooter in space. I was stupidly ignorant.) That was about a year ago now and I am so glad I found these fandoms. Also, they're definitely my new comfort games: I played some Mass Effect 3 and Andromeda the past couple of weeks.

Comfort Characters > I can't talk about my favorite video games and then not mention the characters. Or, just share some gifs because it would be an entire essay if I started about why I love these characters.

#5 things that make me happy #tag game #a bard's tale

[ageless-aislynn]

Okay, I think I finally have actual proof now that I did NOT cause my computer issues. I found a forum where other people with the same make/model and two make/models right next to it all have had similar issues from day one with their PCs. Then Dell revoked all of the previous driver updates they'd been pushing and yesterday, here comes 3 marked critical: BIOS and the Nvidia and Intel graphics drivers, all brand spankin' new (literally released that week or that day in Intel's case) and with the purpose of "fixing bug checks and providing system stability." Bug checks being the official term for a Blue Screen of Death, that is. Normally I wouldn't update on day one of a new release but, well, my computer crashed this morning when I just turned it on and it was sitting idle after about 5 minutes of up-time so I figured that was my sign.

All 3 updates are now applied. If you pray, I'd appreciate it. If you have time to spare me some kind thoughts, to put some positive energy out there in the universe, just whatever, I appreciate it. I didn't realize how much I truly rely on my computer to deal with my anxiety, depression and panic attack issues until not only do I NOT have access to the things I use to try to get through them all, but the computer's switching off at random times has made all of them so much worse.

Yeah, Halo's just a game but it's truly helped me redirect if I'm struggling with anxiety or a panic attack that's looming. Getting really involved in Mass Effect: Andromeda's various romances, making GIFs of them, learning to craft weapons, that sort of thing, it's helped me focus on things other than worrying about RL stuff. I really could use all of those things back, you know? Plus, I was looking forward to so many of the new games I've added to my Steam library. Learning something new can also help redirect my brain when it's spiraling out of control.

And this isn't even to touch on doing creative things like making GIFs, vidding and writing. I'm still working on my "15 Minutes" ch7 by hand but it's so much slower than being able to type it. I was really hoping to have at least this chapter up before Halo s2 starts but I'm not sure if I can, if I'm just scratching away with pencil and paper, not even certain how I'm going to get those words on the Internet anyway.

I mean, just imagine how frustrating it would be if whatever device you use would just blink off with no rhyme or reason, no way to predict when whatever you're doing will just be gone. Sometimes it does it a couple times a day, sometimes 8 times an hour. You can't do 90% of what you usually do online anyway and the other 10% feels like you're walking through a minefield, just waiting to take one wrong step. And nothing works to fix it. Nothing. You spend hours researching, desperate to find The Thing That Will Work and it's just not out there. That's been the past few weeks with this computer.

Considering that my previous computer is ALSO in this make/model line, just back several years, makes me wonder if the issues it began to have out of the blue in October, 2023 are related. I've seen a LOT of mentions in that forum of people whose computer suddenly went bad in Oct, 23. That seems like an awfully big coincidence, doesn't it?

Anyway, just wanted to check in. Hope you're all doing well and here's hoping that I'm now on the road to getting to just... do things on the computer and the Internet again like I used to. I miss it so much and I really miss all of you. Love to you all. 💖

#ageless aislynn #computer problems #computer issues #good thoughts and prayers and well wishes appreciated #love you frens #miss you

[aevallare]

10 characters/10 fandoms/10 tags

tagged by the ever-gracious @anosrepasi <3

Sheik (The Legend of Zelda) - my relationship with gender is like. we're friends with benefits. i was born female and present that way about 98% of the time but it literally doesn't matter to me at all, and i think the first time that i came to that conclusion was playing ocarina of time and finding out that zelda was sheik.

Deacon (Fallout 4) - the first character that ever made me start to really unpack all the masks i wear. deacon changed the game because i don't think i even knew how dishonest i was being with the world until i dove into his headspace.

Jayce Giopara/Talis (League of Legends/Arcane) - it's hard to talk about jayce without splicing the league and arcane lore in an inconvenient way, but i'll say this - guy who tries his hardest and screws it up all the time but never gives up, driven only by a desire to make the world better? would that i had his grit.

Miranda Lawson (Mass Effect) - again, that feeling of being something manufactured rather than born. artificial rather than organic. i love an ice queen always, and though i think the execution of her character left a lot to be desired, i'll always have a soft spot for her.

Olivier Mira Armstrong (Fullmetal Alchemist) - unapologetically cold. inarguably a good guy. an unmatched girl crush of mine.

Morrigan (Dragon Age) - i don't know if anything has ever made me so angry as finding out a female PC couldn't romance morrigan without mods. a prickly swamp witch with negative social acumen. what more could i want in a woman?

Hana Song/D. Va (Overwatch) - i decidedly do not go here much anymore, but hana song was the perfect storm for me when overwatch fandom was at its height. still a child, she carried the weight of her country's security on her back, and did everything she could not to crumble.

Jaina Proudmoore (Warcraft) - my girl has been done so dirty by blizzard entertainment time and time again, but her rage spoke (and speaks) to me in a way that i have trouble putting words to. also i want my hair to look like hers.

Handsome Jack (Borderlands) - i fucking love this fucked up guy. there's nothing deeper here.

Astarion Ancunin (Baldur's Gate 3) - what, you thought he wouldn't make the list? looking at astarion ancunin is like looking in a mirror, and frankly, it almost makes me uncomfortable sometimes. no notion of self-worth (except where sex is involved, and even that is complicated), snarky little prick, outright mean when people get too close? yeah. he's just like me fr.

i'll tag @cosmolis @dwarfsized @neosatsuma @septemberskye @thedreamlessnights @burningdarkfire @mrs-theirin @crepsley @mantaphase @nuka-cherries!

#this was actually really hard lmao #tag game #10 is so many...

[felassan]

Mac Walters on what happened with Mass Effect: Andromeda, what happened with Anthem and the notion of a sequel to ME:A -

Q. - "Does BioWare, has BioWare ever talked about doing a trilogy again, in the time that you were there, have you ever heard anyone talk about doing a trilogy again?"

Mac: “I don’t think so no, I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that again. Even with the talk of the next game, when we were talking about Mass Effect: Andromeda, it wasn’t really about, we knew that we wanted it to be a series for sure, but not a trilogy per se. We were looking, again, because we were innovating, we were like, we’ve done that, what else can we do? The early days of ME:A, I should say the idea of carrying plots and stories and characters through the series, and choices and consequences, was part of it on ME:A. In the early days of ME:A, I wasn’t on the project then, it was very much, some of the concepting had been inspired by No Man’s Sky, things like that, where it’s like hey, we’re a space game, what if we went bigger, something more procedurally-based, where you can really feel like you’re really exploring a universe and tapping into the exploration side of things. Ultimately I think that was too much at odds with a lot of the way that we tell stories and the way that we create our content, it’s very bespoke, a lot of big set pieces and things like that. It’s hard to translate that into a procedural world. But I think that was at the start at the very least, the innovation, what the teams were looking at. Most of the core Mass Effect team was still, I guess you’d call us consultants, we were definitely consulted on a lot of things, but because we were also building out Anthem, which was codenamed Dylan at the time. This was our first new IP in many years, you can imagine that my day to day was not only taken up with that but that that was what my interest was. I spent 2006 to 2012/2013 on ME, now I get to start again and also ground floor, now I’m the Narrative Director. So that was all-consuming. And as much as I wanted to help the ME:A team as they were consulting I was like, I think they got it, they’re good.”

After 1.5 years Mac was pulled back onto ME:A -

"Things were kind’ve in disarray, certainly from a leadership perspective as Casey had just left, as Executive Producer he had still been overseeing ME:A. Without him there they were lacking that continuity from the core leadership team. They also, I think, had just departed with their game director or creative director, so it was just that sort’ve void that they had there in leadership on the continuity side. So I came in there, and I would say that it wasn’t so much that it was in disarray or anything, but it was that pivot point, that inflexion of, we can’t do both procedural stuff and fulfill all the wishes and hopes of our fan base who really wanna see a lot of this bespoke narrative written in a certain way. So that was probably my first challenge, how do we marry these two things, or can we? That was the main challenge about that whole process, it wasn’t just making another ME game, which the team was well on their way to doing, it was how do we do it and also innovate in more of an open-world space [at the same time].”

The interviewer asked Mac about his feelings/thoughts on ME:A’s release and reception.

“I don’t know if people were too harsh. We had set a very high bar with ME3. Certainly, on some key areas we didn’t live up to that. I think the problem was, if you look at it just more internally and what we were looking at, it felt more like ME1 in the development. New engine, new cycle, brand new team (although a lot of veterans as well), but new team in Montreal. It goes back to what I was saying before. If you tried to put all the content of ME3 on the ME1 team it would’ve taken us ten years. Similarly there were just a lot of things that we had to relearn and refigure out on ME:A, and ultimately when you do that it’s very challenging to come out and be as polished as your third iteration was, and we didn’t hit that. And we probably should have in hindsight just reduced scope more and executed on what we could to quality. But we were also at a weird place/phase in the industry where a lot of people were saying quantity was quality, and so we were kind’ve, I think, you know, deluding ourselves internally a little bit like, you know, if it’s maybe not as polished as ME3, it’s fine, it’s bigger, there’s more here and more to do. We kind’ve hit a point where people were like, no, it isn’t okay, or at least is isn’t okay for your franchise, and that’s fine, it’s a lesson learned. I think ultimately when I look back on ME:A and what the team was able to do, it’s another phenomenal game. If we actually look at where we innovated and what you could do in that space, there’s a lot of incredible stuff. I only wish we had been able to then do a second one. Because then you would’ve really seen that polish, just like we did on ME1 to ME2 in the original.”

Mac was then asked how he/the devs felt about the backlash and griping against BioWare, inside BioWare.

“We definitely felt it, it felt like, there’s a couple things. One, on ME:A we’re trying to innovate onto a sort’ve open-world space and on Anthem we’re trying to innovate onto a free-to-play co-operative space, and in both cases what we didn’t do was marry that as well as we could to the expected BioWare Experience. On Anthem it was even more of a dichotomy I think, it almost felt like two games in one and neither really fully fleshed out, unfortunately, although still an interesting concept there. And I think even internally, we started to feel like there were people who were like, this isn’t a BioWare game, why are we doing this? And then of course it’s confirmed when it comes out. But the thing that I would often remind people of, especially people who hadn’t been there as long is like, again, when I joined BioWare, we were innovative, we were always trying to push, and innovation means sometimes you don’t get it right unfortunately. And what you really hope for is that opportunity to improve upon it, like on ME, you know, there’s arguably lots of things that we didn’t do right, but then we got to hone it and improve it on ME2 and then sort’ve perfect it on ME3. I think, you know, again, Anthem was already trending to something that was actually pretty unique and interesting, and had a really legitimate space and argument to be in the game space, but it just needed time there. And certainly had we shipped an ME:A 2 I’m 100% certain we would’ve improved on all the things that people called out and then also been able to lean into the innovative things we were trying to do as well.”

[source]

#bioware #mass effect #mass effect: andromeda #long post #longpost #anthem #video games

[simply-un-well]

this is my last concrete idea prompt that i had B) it didn't really turn out how i planned, but that's okay! also, it's relatively based on how i get on the rare occasion in cars which i literally just don't know how to describe.

-

The bus ride back is obnoxiously bumpy and the thought of committing mass murder crosses Blake's mind at the laugh Jason lets out from beside him at the movement. First person would be Jason on the sheer principle of how annoying he has been for all the years he has known him. Second would be Jesse for making them have to sit next to each other for "team bonding". Third is the Coach for approving that decision. Fourth is the bus driver for making what is supposed to be a normal drive back from their game absolutely hell.

As if whatever higher power just wanted to laugh at him further, the second the last thought crossed his mind, the bus ran over another pothole. The bump jerked everyone forward, knocking Blake into the seat in front of him. Effectively snapping him out of his thoughts as his face made contact with the scratchy fabric. As if to add insult to injury, Jason turned to look at him at just the right time to see it happen.

Jason burst out into laughter, attracting the attention of the people in front of them, as they were seated in the absolute back of the bus. Tavin's head popped up over the headrest, questioning Jason on what he found so funny.

Scowling even further when Jason eagerly jumped up to explain, Blake stared out the window as a flush crept up his neck. His head was already starting to hurt from the movement of the bus, he did not need to deal with Jason's teasing too. There were like two hours until they got back, maybe he could just sleep.

Eyes closed, Blake presses his cheek against the cool glass of the window. It’s soothing, as the coldness seeps into his skin. Maybe he can make it through this with only minimal bodily harm to his very annoying seatmate who he can hear making fun of him for what happened earlier.

Stubbornly keeping his eyes closed, Blake drifts. Not quite asleep, but not quite awake either. Faintly aware of the yapping in the bus and the weird twinge of pain in his head.

It couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes before an elbow slammed into his biceps. Blinking his eyes open at the pain, Blake’s first thought is ‘fuck you, Jason.’ Followed by ‘fuck, my head hurts.’

The bus knocks into another pothole, and he grimaces at the jostling of his head. It feels like there’s a lump in his throat, some sort of pressure pushing down on it. Squinting, the pain in his head only escalates when he looks around the bus. He makes eye contact with Jason who immediately starts being annoying.

“Why are you looking at me,” he rolls his eyes. “I know I’m pretty, but I’m not here for you to stare at.”

Swallowing thickly, Blake frowns. “How much longer?” He can’t be bothered to deal with Jason and all his self-absorbed whatever. His head hurts, but not in the typical headache way.

Jason frowns, slightly weirded out that he didn't take the bait. Normally both him and Blake can and will take every opportunity given to try to one-up each other, whether that be with words or actions. "Hour and a half, sleeping beauty," Jason scoffs mockingly.

That's…that's only thirty minutes? Maybe Blake will actually just die instead. Ever since he was rudely bright back to the present, something has just felt off. Throat tight and head pounding, looking out the window is better than looking around the inside of the bus, however marginally. He keeps his eyes trained on the horizon, trying to figure out what's wrong.

Jason has long since gone silent, looking at him strangely. As much as they hate each other, you don't go years knowing each other without, you know, knowing each other. It all seems relatively normal until one of the large signs on the highways, that lists the upcoming exits and directions come up.

The words flash by and subconsciously, Blake's eyes latch on to read them. That's…that's so much worse, something in his throat squeezes and then pulls and oh…Oh. He swallows thickly before closing his eyes stubbornly. The swaying and bumps of the bus aren't helping, but at least he doesn't have to see any more signs.

Normally, Jason might push off telling the Coach or Captain about something like this happening to Blake as payback for something he did, but seated next to him, he's actually in the splash zone if anything were to happen. Glancing over at Blake's palling face, he makes a decision.

Nudging the chairs in front of them until Tavin pokes his head up over the top again, tilting his head questioningly at Jason. "Think he's motion sick," he murmurs, nodding over to where Blake is sitting perfectly still, tension visible all over his body.

Inhaling sharply, Tavin winces at the sight. "Yeah…Let me wake up Jess, he'll probably know what to do."

A minute passes by before Jesse pops up, frowning at the sight. "Is he listening? Never mind, I have a plastic bag here that you can give him just in case. Of course, you can switch seats with me and I can keep an eye on him instead if you're not comfortable."

"Fuck, you're such a mom, Jess," Tavin teases him. "Just say you want to look after the kid."

Jason ignores him, instead contemplating it. He's honestly kind of out of his depth, never mind the fact that he doesn't really want to deal with vomit, much less from the guy he hates. Glancing over at him, Jason notes how his eyes are scrunched shut, throat bobbing with every swallow. "...you sure that's alright?"

Jesse nods, and they hurriedly switch seats. Sliding into the seat in front next to Tavin, he frowns worriedly.

"Don't worry so much about your friend, Jess knows what he's doing," Tavin tries to reassure him. "Practically a mother hen to the entire team if they'd let him."

"I'm not worried," Jason scoffs. "And he's not my friend."

In the seats behind him, everything is a lot less calm. There's a building pressure in Blake's throat. He wouldn't say it's like nausea, but he feels close enough to throwing up whatever he ate after the game that it doesn't even matter. His head is pounding, the world swaying beneath his feet.

There's a hand rubbing up and down his back, a voice murmuring something to him. He can't open his mouth to talk around the tight squeezing of his esophagus.

"Blake? Hey, kid, I need you to help me out here." The voice is from next to him, but it doesn't sound like Jason. "Can you open your eyes for me?" He really really doesn't want to, but he wants to know who this is.

Squinting his eyes open, he sees long…hair? Hm…the only person on the team with long enough hair is Jesse. He'd be a little more embarrassed about this happening in front of his captain if he didn't feel so bad. 'At least it's an upgrade from Jason,' he thinks bitterly. Jason would never let him live it down on any bus rides later in the season.

"Okay, okay, thank you, that’s good. Do you feel like you're going to be sick?" Jesse's voice is careful and soft. Somehow just parental enough to feel safe without being patronizing.

Blake nods. The tightness in his throat is worse with his eyes open. Eyes glancing around, he tries to breathe through it. Jesse passes him a plastic shopping bag, the logo written on the side of it. Glancing away before he has the chance to properly read the words.

The bus suddenly runs over a pothole and the tightness in his throat pulls up and then out. Tongue pushes forward as he jerks into a silent gag. His body convulses slightly as he clamps a hand over his mouth.

Jesse is quick to grab the bag, holding it up underneath him. "Just breathe. It's okay."

Another bump in the bus and sick pours from his mouth, just barely managing to move his hand in time. Blake can barely register what's happening anymore, stuck in a haze of discomfort. His head hurts and his stomach feels weird and there's something that feels like it's stuck in his throat. The bus is making the ground feel unstable, and he barely realizes he's throwing up again until he hears the vomit hit the puddle at the bottom of the bag and Jesse's murmurs of comfort.

The sick pools in the bottom of the plastic bag, undigested foods tainting it a disgusting beige. Looking down at that sight of it is almost enough to make him vomit again. Thankfully he manages to restrain himself, spitting into the bag before drawing back.

By now his eyes are closed, trying to block out the sight of the sick and from triggering anything even further. Groaning quietly, he slumps against the back of his seat on the bus.

"Are you feeling any better?" Jesse asks carefully. "Think you're done for now?"

It takes a second to mentally survey everything before Blake replies. "M'done." He's dizzy and his head hurts and he just wants to sleep through the rest of the bus ride. Leaning against the window, he can faintly hear Jason and Jesse talking before a water bottle is pressed to his lips.

"Take a sip and then you can sleep," a voice, likely Jesse, instructs him.

He does, the cool water washing away the foul taste, before closing his eyes. This time slipping into a deep sleep.

#emeto #emeto fic #emeto writing #emetophilia #my ocs #sick #sickfic #vomit fic #vomiting #emeto prompt #sickfic prompt #i've never actually thrown up from this #it just gets close then i force myself to sleep and then it's normally fine afterwards

[fictionisthebetterreality]

Thoughts(TM) on Mass Effect, in no particular order or preference.

- What did they do to Ashley??? Why did she go from kick-ass takes-no-shit-soldier to... kick-ass-takes-no-shit-soldier with eyeshadow and lipstick and a fringe and hair to her shoulders which probably somehow breaks regulations?? That shit would be getting in her eyes when she was trying to shoot, if it wasn't getting ripped out by a rabid husk first... just no.

- While we are talking about this - WHY did they make us suffer the dress(tm) every time woman Shepherd had to dress 'fancy'? First, that is the ugliest effing dress I've ever seen in my life, not to mention out of character for my (and I'm sure a lot of others) Shepherd, who would have been in a suit at the most, or something nicer than that (no, literally, anything would have been better).

+ Garrus... where to even start? Possibly the best developed character in the whole damn game. I adore Garrus. Would kill for him die for him etc. The friendship between him and Shepherd was so lovely and a really nice highlight of all the games. Except for when Shepherd tries to set him up at the bar. Bit weird.

+ Liara... love of my life, light of my life etc etc. Second only to Garrus and only because the romance scene I had ('will you be my girlfriend' in the presidium commons, not sure if there are any others) was so dry and stale compared to the rest of their cutscenes I hated it. But the chemistry between these two across all three games was amazing, and made their relationship (should you choose to accept it) all the more realistic and believable.

- The endings of ME3. Need I say more. -100/10.

+ The 'fight' scene with James at the start of ME3 was so cute. Loved the option of telling him off at the end for the nicknames. Tbh the recurring options throughout the game of whether to respond 'friendly' or 'professional' was a nice touch.

+ Also - the fling/relationship between James and Ashley was equally cute.

+ Anderson and Shepherd?? Maximum cuteness. Especially the 'I'm proud of you' moment at the end. Really focused in on the parent/daughter relationship.

+ The symmetry/comparison of Earth/Palaven/Thessia worlds burning and being ravaged by the reapers... the hurt/comfort of 'I understand exactly how you feel' 'i thought i understood how you felt but this is so much worse??'

+ The party... the party!! Ahhhh the only complaint I had was the prompt to dance disguised as talk... but thats just personal preference. The photo at the end - SO CUTE. Also, Traynor reciting the elements of the periodic table while drunk and dancing was probably one of my favourite moments of the whole game.

+ Joker and EDI. 10/10. Perfect pairing.

- Jacob in ME2. Literally the most bland, boring character I'd ever experienced. Specifically chose him for the mission at the end of ME2 cause it was pretty obvious it would end in death.

+ Tbh, all the other characters I loved to varying degrees. Thane, Samara, Javik, I could probably take or leave. The rest- their stories were all so complex. Hated Miranda at the start, was genuinely upset by her death at the end. Jack's character development was insane. Barely touched Wrex in ME1, thought he was a throw away character (boy was I wrong). Probably the best element of this game is the characters and relationships. Love-hated the death of a character in ME1. That was Kaiden for me, and it fitted so well into the storyline generally it really gave so much depth to Shepherds backstory.

- Samara.... did someone put eight-zero-zero-eight into a calculator while they were having a meeting about her?? Did she put her costume into the dryer when it was line-dry material?? Please TRY and make it less obvious who you are catering to, here. Also upset there was no option to stop her killing her daughter, just...stand by and watch, I guess.

+ ME3 acknowledging and showing the effects of constant war on Shepherd with the nightmares. Enjoyed that you could play it cool/fake it when asked or genuinely respond and say what was wrong. Although, I did notice that for the 'survivor' backstory on Azure, pretty sure it changed from 'Threshermaw attack' in ME1 to 'Cerburus' in ME3. Might've missed something there, tho.

+ Honestly, just the dialogue in ME3. Esp. the mid-fight chatter among teams Mako and Hammerhead in the clone mission. 10/10, apart from the occasional cut-scene dialogue we didn't get enough interaction between characters. Enjoyed it a lot, really put a lot more personality into everyone.

+ Aria... 100/10. Really nice deviation from the 'classic' asari we see elsewhere. Also, her whole appearance and personality were matched so seamlessly, I love it. Felt like it gave my Shepherd an opportunity to play the bad guy a bit more away from her crew. Although would have been nice to get a warning that you can't get back to Omega in ME3 once the mission is completed... I never did find her couch. Saying that, it was a shame she was never made to appear in the final fight cutscene.

+ The ring from EDI... literally the best gift ever. Shepherd is forever keeping it on her tags. Forever.

+-Kinda loved and hated the whole going-to-the-room-the-person-is-in-for-a-chat. The elevator got old pretty quick. A nice touch being able to invite people up to your cabin and meet up on the citadel (although again, at some points it felt like I was at the citadel meeting people more than I was out there saving the galaxy. Shepherd is a popular woman, but more missions to compensate, or mission-related/style meetings could have been nice).

#some details might not be right ive only played it through once so far #but i needed to get this out of my head #mass effect #mass effect 1 #mass effect 2 #mass effect 3 #mass effect one #mass effect two #mass effect three

[sol-consort]

Greetings commander Shepard, how goes your assistance in the aid of Super Earth?

How are you doing? Has the month been pleasant?

I wasn't expecting the response about being called Commander Shepard, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

How is your little pill friend doing? Have you crafted a little home for them on your desk?

Regarding your mother's birthday, I'm sorry the gift didn't have the desired effect. I hope the celebration was good and you all had a nice time.

I'm glad you are enjoying your time with your games and carving your own path into them. The image of a small figure entering a large terrain on a map and marking their own spot comes to mind.

Also congratulations on becoming more comfortable with refunding games on steam. One step at a time.

I wasn't exactly sure how to put this one together after the last one. Sorry for dropping these near or at the end of the month. Not really sure how frequently I should ask these without being a nuisance.

Your blogs have been fun to dive into. I may not know how much work goes into your blogs, but I do appreciate the effort. A lot of things you and your community were things I never really gave much thought about, but reading through them has made me think about what I missed through my playthroughs. So, Thank you very much for making fun stories and post.

Anyways, I should let you get back to work. Have a good day, afternoon or night, whenever this finds you. Stretch, hydrate, rest your eyes. Do what you can and hopefully things are going well.

I love you

Mass effect story was written by a lot of people as a cooperation effort and it wouldn't be complete if any of those writers were missing, so it makes sense that no one person alone can truly appreciate or notice everything in the game. That's why getting a new perspective from someone else and hearing their own side of the story is so refreshing! You get to see something you love through different eyes and notice all the things you might have glossed over.

Like Garrus, for example. I never paid him much attention to his dialogue or knew that we affected his paragon/renegade in ME1. He could've been replaced with a cardboard cutout, and I wouldn't have noticed. He completely flew under my radar because I was too busy picking up every microdetail I could on Ashley and Javik.

But when I finished all three games and dived into the fandom through fanart and video essays. I got slapped in the face by how interesting of a character Garrus is and the great storytelling he has. How he feels as much his own person as the main protagonist of the game does. You could make a spin off that's just telling Garrus's side of the story and it would sell like crazy. I'd be first one in line for the chance to play as the archangel sniper.

I still can't get over the line Liara made about him in the shadowbroker notes. How he has leader potential but will never truly shine while under Shepard's command.

OW MY HEART

It's like two gaint stars battling in a gravitational pull without realising, and everytime without fail Garrus will be the one crumbling to Shepard's mass. The longer he stays by our side no matter how well we treat him, he will always be reduced to a cluster of freshly broken rocks orbiting our sun. Rather than having his own planets to lead and protect through the galaxy if we just weren't in the picture.

We harm him by existing, by stealing his potential and making him feel so safe around us that he never grows or get stronger. He trust us so much he is willing to forgo what he could amount to if given the chance.

It's like a curse of love. A friendship can be a burden as much as it is a haven. He truly shines and finds himself when Shepard was dead, yet is eager to throw it away and join our ranks again, only asking for the chance to say goodbye through revenge.

-

On another note, my pill pet "disappeared under mysterious circumstances" :/

My niece newest patch notes fixed legs movement and added extra logic, so now it's a hazard to leave exposed, bare, and possibly expired medical pills laying around. Who's idea was it to make candy pill shaped?

So pilly had to be...taken care of. Rip big guy, you would've loved to slightly lower my pain levels in a mystery way that scientists still aren't aware of but was theorised to activate descending serotonergic inhibitory in nociceptive pathways.

-

I haven't been feeling like writing. A big flaw in my design is that 90% of my actions are steered by raw passion so the second writing loses its spark for me I threw in the towel and go indulge in another shiny hobby unit the cycle repeats.

It's funny how I worked so hard when the blog was a barren desert just to reach anyone at all and now that I have that audience who's willing to listen and read, my inspiration runs out and I don't wanna do it anymore.

I think it shows that at the end of the day, supportive comments and interactions can only go so far when you have lost interest. It merely delayed the inevitable out of guilt but that too is spares.

What I'm saying is, if you wanna do something, then do it even if it's bad or no one is reading it. I used to misspell Shepard's name as shepherd.

And if you don't wanna do something, then don't do it, even if you invested so much in it and are good at it.

-

I've been moding stardew valley and it's so much easier than modding mass effect. I still plan on a full moded ME1 playthrough but a single mod there is like 1GB and there are so many stepsss also that rule about mesh mods having to go last. If you add any other mod after them then it breaks and they don't work well.

I discovered that the hard way when during Kaidan's last romance scene, his face was 10 shades lighter than his body, and it looked like he was wearing a plastic cut-out mask of his own face. Apparently, one of my mesh mods for him was malfunctioning because I added a tiny small mod after it. Had to nuke the whole folder and redownload every mod, then re-add them.

The gay romance mods aren't compatible with a lot of mods, so I might do a maleshep run then. Gonna make the twinkest twink to ever twink, a boyfailure to match my girlboss shep.

All of that for his straight ass to date Ashley because I need that woman like air.

This whole plan is on the backburner, when I eventually do it I'll revisit this blog again. I still read the comments and check the notifications every other day.

There are also two whole fully written fics rotting in my drafts. I haven't finished Andromeda yet either, but god, it's sooooo boring. So much endless missions and pointless stuff, while the mass effect trilogy felt compact and put together. It's like mass effect is this delicious chocolate milkshake with layers, while Andromeda is a barrel filled with water and some apple. If you're lucky, a slice will sneak through the endless tastless water and choke you without warning.

I tried listening to music, video essays and even audiobooks while playing it and it's still boring. It gives me so many headaches even with the motion blurr disabled while with mass effect I couldn't bare leaving the game to go to sleep from how interesting it was.

I will finish it, begrudgingly.

Mods made it more fun at least.

Oh, and I did a smart thing! There was an outdated mod that wasn't compatible anymore, and the dev abandoned it. But I really really wanted it, so I went into the mod files, converted the png files to xnb, and replaced the og game files with them after making a backup. Changed their names to match, and IT WORKED.

Sure, it's obvious in hindsight, but I feel proud that I figured it out by myself immediately without looking online for a solution or anything. It felt clever. Especially when I haven't used replacer mods in 5 years. I did it fully not expecting it to work since I know Jack shit about coding. But when I was messing around and opening random xnb files I noticed the pictures inside them look like the png file mod ones and it hit me.

-

I realised I haven't answered the questions at the top of your ask.

I'm not doing well. I'm rarely doing well mentally, and that's just a part of life. Mental illness doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it, tone it out sometimes, and embrace it other times like an annoying roommate.

I don't want to be a downer. The nightmares have been getting worse and I will power through them.

I appreciate you even asking. When the answer is always "I'm not doing well," people think I'm purposely being an asshole instead of truthful, so they stop asking. And yeah, of course I know how to lie and say "I'm good" when it's just a person asking out of politeness.

But you're not asking out of politeness, are you? You're genuinely asking me despite being a stranger. That warms my heart, I wish nothing but happiness and the best for you.

This is like a lovely letter exchange now that I think about it. It is different than texting yet intimate in its own way too.

I liked your description of the small figure entering a large terrain on a map. Imagining it paints a beautiful picture, a campfire embers amidst a thick dark forest, the soft glow of the first city on the surface of a new planet, a flickering LED flashlight of a rover attempting to navigate the rocky terrians of the moon.

They discovered a new super volcano on mars btw!! Unrelated but related. There might be glacier ice hidden underneath it! Nasa wants to investigate for traces of life because that's how all life began on earth.

I love space a lot. We sent songs of whale sounds to space alongside the disk of humanity. We thought whales were this lovely. And they are! They live insanely complex lives, their deaths are the sole food source of an entire ocean floor ecosystem!

Oh, and you're not a nuisance. There isn't even a room for doubt, I love your asks, and I enjoy answering them. I appreciate the time you gave me. That's like half an hour of tiktok scrolling. You've spared just to write this for me, I'm so thankful.

Send them whenever you want to send them and I'll answer them whenever I want to answer them. I know you're not obliged to, so I never expect them, I'm just immensely happy when I see them.

Make sure to take care of yourself. Do something that makes you happy because you deserve happiness and it shouldn't be earned.

Thanks for congratulating me on refunding a game on steam. It feels silly to say out loud. But paranoia is a bitch and I avoid customer service like the plague so it was a big step for me to refund them casually because I didn't like them. Thanks <3

Oh and my mom's birthday went fine, I got her flowers and she liked them. I wasn't satisfied with a basic gift, so I kept searching for a book I know wanted for a long time, and eventually, I found it after a month! It arrived yesterday, and she immediately started reading it.

#☆other

[my-hot-awkward-turian-boyfriend]

Mass Effect Tag Game

I stole this from @onedismay and anyone can now proceed to steal it from me

I am a fan since: The release of Legendary Edition, which came out on my birthday. And--1500+ hours of playtime later--It's the gift that keeps on giving lol

Favourite game of the series?: Mass Effect 2 is definitely my favourite because there just feels like there's so much more at stake and all the new characters introduced are great

MShep or FShep?: Most of my Sheps are women but I do have a few men even though I technically haven't played all of them yet

Earthborn, Colonist or Spacer?: I know a lot of people probably consider this the boring option, but I do prefer Earthborn because, for whatever reason, I have a thing about my OCs never knowing their parents

Biotics or Tech: 100% tech, I don't fuck with biotics

Paragon or Renegade: My main Shep is renegade with a touch of paragon

Favourite Class: Infiltrator is my go-to class, but I'll admit that I don't have a lot of experience with any of the other classes

Favourite Companion: Uhm all the techies are essentially my faves lol so Garrus, Tali, EDI, Legion, Kasumi, and Mordin. I also adore Joker, who I feel like gets accidentally excluded a lot because he's not someone who can tag along on missions. Then I have a bit of a soft spot for Vega. Oh, and Aria is pretty much the only asari character I enjoy lol

Least favourite Companion: I might get hate for this, but Liara. I hate how forced she is on you in the first game, and the fact that that does change for the rest of the series makes me so uncomfortable. I literally don't even both talking to her. Ever. I forget she's there half the time. If it weren't for the couple missions in ME3 where you're forced to take her, she would never leave the ship

My squad selection: Garrus is almost always there. I've forced myself to broaden my selection in recent playthroughs and utilise (almost) everyone, but Garrus is still definitely a top pick. Tali is up there, as well. Frankly, this answer is essentially the same as my fave companion(s) plus Wrex

Favourite In-game romance: Garrus. The only romance I honestly give a shit about

Other pairings I like: Joker and EDI, 100%. I'm also into the Jack/Miranda pairing, and I enjoy the thought of Ash and James ending up together

Favourite NPC: This is probably the proper place to mention Joker and Aria, but I'm not going back to edit my other answer including them lol

Favourite Antagonist: I'm not sure I really have one. Saren had potential and it would've been neat if he had stuck around for at least another game, but obviously that didn't happen. The Illusive Man was kinda lame and just overall a nuance soooo idk Udina? lmao

Favourite Mission: I'm not entirely sure... I don't think I necessarily have a favourite because they're all mandatory, for the most part. Even if they're not mandatory story-wise, they are to level up so it's ike...idk none of them really stick out to me and I dread something about each of them, to be honest lol

Favourite Loyalty Mission: Obligatory Garrus answer, but then I also enjoy Tali's mission, uhm... Kasumi's is fun, Mordin's is good, aaaand that's probably it

Favourite DLC: Citadel, hands down. Just the absolutely campiness and insanity of it. I mean, it was a good way to lighten the mood of what the rest of ME3 is, so the ridiculousness of it was honestly much appreciated. A close second would probably be between Omega and Leviathan

Control, Synthesis or Destroy: I prefer Synthesis. I don't give a shit what people say about it, I'm not going through all that bullshit of ending a 300-year long war between the Quarians and Geth just to fucking destroy the Geth in the end. It's pointless. Plus, I could never do that to EDI

Favourite Weapon: While I usually am the Infiltrator class, I always choose assault rifles as my specialisation (or just use them in general when I can), so in ME2 my go-to is the Mattock while in ME3 it's the Valkyrie or Chakram Launcher. As for sniper rifles, in ME2 it's the Viper and in ME3 it's the Valiant

Favourite Place: I enjoy Omega and Illium the most. I wish we could've explored them more because I feel like there was so much lost potential there.

A quote I like: "I won't let fear compromise who I am." ~Shepard. I would honestly get that tattooed on my body lol Garrus has a lot of good/funny quotes, too, especially in ME3 but that Shepard one is always the first to come to mind

#mass effect #mass effect trilogy #tag game #for fun

[shivunin]

Ooooh! For the Character Creation ask…

4, 12, 15 and 19, for as many of your ladies you'd wish to answer :3

Thank you, Arja! 💗I think I'll answer for a handful for each!

Wow, I had a lot more to say about that first one than I expected haha. Sorry for the excessive length!

(OC Creation Ask Game)

4. In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts?

Wen: The alienage, absolutely. I think growing up there shaped so much of who she is that she could not have become herself under any other circumstances. I have other OCs who I think would have been the same regardless of where they lived (Maria, Emmaera, Jesse), but Wen is only Wen because of the Denerim Alienage and everything that happened to her there.

Maria: The magic system, especially healing magic. I think a lot about how magic in Thedas works (and obviously canon is very contradictory in some respects) and I think the fact that the healing tree is specifically spirit healing is very interesting. I like thinking about the sort of academicized specializations in the Circles and whatever bootleg version of that Malcolm passed on to his children, too. We see so many variations of magic and how it's used between Morrigan, Merrill, Wynne, Solas, and Vivienne that it's clear there are a lot of applications, variations, and extrapolations on magic even beyond the combat-focused reality of the medium (it is, in the end, a video game largely about fighting). Anyways! For Maria, how magic works (or doesn't) was a lot of her development. Also the class system and politics of Kirkwall in that first scene...Given my own background, the idea of having to bribe someone into finding somewhere safe to live really struck me.

All of my Lavellans are largely shaped by what I knew about the Dalish when I first started writing fic (not having played Origins until well after, for example), but I was struck by different aspects of their role thereof during their development:

Elowen: The pressure of being raised to leadership and knowing that you'll eventually be the Keeper of all the people around you. I think Elowen always wanted to be perfect for her clan because she didn't believe that failure was an option, hence giving up the position of First right before Inquisition starts. The fate of the clan is so dire if you (the player) make the slightest mistake, and since she was my first Lavellan I thought a lot about what that meant beyond the structure of the game. When the position of the Dalish is often so precarious, how do you live knowing your mistakes could cost them all their lives? That's a lot for one person to bear.

Emmaera: The sheer amount of history lost to the Dalish. The game presents so many sites from the elves from before and after the fall of Arlathan and (again, given my background--this time specifically my degree) I imagined someone who embraced those moments of exploration we see in Inquisition. Also, when writing her I thought a lot about what it means to be the sort of figurehead the Inquisitor must be. How do you find meaning in life after being the savior of the world? How do you feel successful in something like...having a home or making dinner? So, I guess, the scale of Inquisition and what it would mean to leave that behind.

Salshira: The insular nature of the clan. I grew up in a very small town and everyone knew everyone else's business all the time, so that's what I was thinking of when I was first defining elements of her character. Also, of course, some of the mysterious role the Fade plays in the games---though of course I pushed the boundaries of canon a bit there since I first wrote her in a soulmate AU.

As for my non-DA characters...

Jesse: When I started writing Jesse as a distinct character, I was thinking a lot about how human culture is depicted as very homogenous in the Mass Effect series, and how I don't like that haha. Her character is also shaped by how I think government actions like Jump Zero would be received by what we'd consider disprivileged communities today/ how I imagine my grandmother and aunts would perceive something like biotics (a shuttle crash near their fields is how Jesse's mother was exposed to Eezo). Anyways, "accidents" creating a group of people with essentially superpowers that can then be kidnapped off to a special "school" and then put in the army Alliance is uh...definitely shady. Which is why her family lives somewhere too remote for her to get identified as a biotic until various backstory events land her in the city. So, short answer: Eezo and Jump Zero and biotics in general.

Tav: The oaths of a paladin being the source of their power. Also, I picked the Guild Artisan background for her because it gave me bonuses I liked and then I was too fascinated by the idea of a guild artisan paladin to not figure out how the hell she ended up in this position. What could she possibly believe in so hard that it gave her access to divine power?

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

Lately? Finding the motivation and time haha. But in general...

Elowen: I first wrote Elowen when I was extremely sad, and writing her was a way of figuring out how to find meaning in (what felt like) meaninglessness. I have the hardest time writing her when my mental health is good, somewhat ironically.

Maria: Writing her for myself, actually. I know other people enjoy her, so at some point in every fic for her I become hyper-aware of how it might be perceived and then I stop enjoying writing it. Alas.

Jesse: Canon. I really don't like writing fic contrary to canon and Mass Effect is essentially a dating sim to me lol. So I don't have as solid a grasp on all the background/lore and looking things up takes foreeeeever when I'm already in the middle of writing.

15. What is something about your OC that makes you laugh?

Arianwen: My dog hates being wet. If he dips one little paw into water, he runs back to safety and shakes his whole body until he's absolutely sure he won't be wet again. When I have to bathe him in the sink, he stares at me in betrayal the whole time and makes the saddest, tiniest squeaking noise. Wen is like that about handling other people's emotions and it makes me laugh

Emmaera: Her duality? Idk that I make this very explicit a lot of the time, but she is a cute, absentminded academic with dandelion fluff hair who went on a murderous vigilante rampage through Darktown at great personal cost. Someone sent me the "I can be your angle...or yuor devil" meme about her once and I am still laughing about it

Maria: Her lack of impulse control/sense of humor in general

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

Had a hard time defining "favorite fact" so here are just some fun facts:

Arianwen: Used to save half her dinner for the strays until her dad made her stop. That's when she started to figure out how to be sneaky--so she could steal food to feed her street pets.

Maria: She is the one who taught Carver how to read. Some of the time, he was in a headlock for it.

Elowen: In the "canon" version of her story, she names her spirit blade "singer" in elven because she likes its hum.

Emmaera: Used to go to ruins with her father and mimic his actions before she understood them. She used to very seriously dust bits of rock clean to look at the patterns on them, even when there wasn't really anything to see.

Salshira: Actually, my favorite aspect of her is that once she feels she is safe and welcomed and loved, Salshira turns the full force of her charm to protecting the people she cares about. And I love that someone who never felt that she could genuinely herself never has to be that person around people she distrusts. Instead. she is able to use that same skill (being charming, being a chameleon is a skill) to look out for others instead of herself. And that is actually my favorite fact about her.

#ask game #arianwen tabris #maria hawke #elowen lavellan #emmaera lavellan #salshira lavellan #jesse shepard #tav tag #thank you for asking!!!

[risingshards]

I beat Final Fantasy XVI yesterday and am still processing it. My thoughts on the ending if you're curious are past the break! (ENDING SPOILERS FR FR)

That ending was such a fucking gut punch. But also was kinda weirdly Mass Effect 3-y (though I'm sure there are lots of endings where you go to an otherworldly place to defeat the evil and fire beams and leave your protag in an ambiguous space) and I was confused at how I felt as the credits rolled and the because of that. That starlight song HUUURRRTSSS OH MY GOD. I can't remember the last anything that like churned me inside like this with its ending.

Then I was reading interpretations and like I do with a lot of ambiguous endings I tend to lean to the happier interpretations. There are too many clues for me pointing to Clive's survival, and with him casting Raise on Joshua I'm ready to headcanon the full sappy "they all made it" ending including Dion cuz if we didn't see a body fully turn to stone or get super murderized, something they had no issue showing prior, then they can all make it (copium yes I know but it's a headcanon!). I'm a sucker for soft endings in stories and softness in general and I feel like after all the suffering and healing they went through, ending with more suffering doesn't sit right with me.

But at the very least I think Clive made it. The side quest with Harpocrates hoping Clive writes the story of this all one day, Clive narrating the intro and outro (the intro narration makes little sense otherwise to me), the book in the epilogue point to him having written the thing. Though Joshua as the author throws a wrench into things, maybe Clive dictated it to him so Joshua could lend his brother a hand eh?

Also everything with Jill's last quest and the symbolism of the ending.

ALSO IT'D BE DUMB AS FUCK FOR EVERYONE TO TELL CLIVE HE HAS TO LIVE AND SAVE HIMSELF AND STOP SELF SACRIFICING ONLY TO IMMEDIATELY DIE. The Clive dies interpretations feel just dull to me, not just from me favoring happy and bittersweet endings, it just feels at odds with everything if it's all just "and then they die." I know there's more to it than that but that's the vibe I get thinking about the ending that way.

"Before we broke camp, the morning after the storm, do you know what I did? I slipped away from my governess to climb the tor. And from there I saw a sea of petals, all reaching for the sun. And I realized that no matter how terrible the night…dawn would always come. That you…that you would always come for me. And you have. Again and again."

Dawn comes at the end of the game after a terrible night, symbolic of Clive coming home and fulfilling his promise. Jill praying to Metia the whole game and her prayer is finally answered at the end is a lot more beautiful to me than just. "The star Jill was praying to the whole game was really pointless oops star go out." Her relief feels less like "The big struggles are over and the sky is clear again" but tying back to the side quest from an hour or so earlier.

The idea that not engaging with the side quests prevents you from building the community as well is really interesting, almost doing two endings that way, a bitter one and a bittersweet but maybe hopeful one. I can't imagine how beat down I'd feel if I skipped all the big side quests before getting to that ending. It's also interesting how ambiguous they left it, I don't know if it makes the ending better but it hits me harder in a different way if that makes sense. The things the other way are the state Clive's in at the end, Gav crying (I'm so glad characters like Gav and Byron didn't die but oh my god it hurt so bad seeing Gav cry there), Jill feeling it and crying, Torgal howling...

I really like this interpretation of the ending:

https://filmcolossus.com/final-fantasy-16-clive-alive

BUT! I read wolves whimper and cry when they lose someone, like Torgal did when Cid died, but they howl when they're trying to bring members of their pack home. I just feel like there's more to hopeful if you look into the text around the ambiguity than not, like a reverse Sopranos ending.

Maybe TMI too but this was my like "dive deep into this during a depressive episode" game and I was kinda going iwth the interpretation like. All the characters telling Clive to stop sacrificing himself and save himself. That hit really hard with the depression for me. So for it to end like "well then he dies immediately after" feels so against that in a way that hurts. But fighting on and defying fate could be a really beautiful thing about facing ones own struggles, at least that's how I'm feeling. I pictured my depression/anxiety cycle as Kupka and me going against it like Clive in that scene like "I will show you no pity. No pity and no mercy. Now DIE!" like that was motivational for me for my current struggles. and the ending kinda muddies that and I don't know how to feel really.

All in all its up there with my favorite FF's, with the highlights being the huge battles like Titan and Bahamut, along with the smaller character moments like Clive and Uncle Byron's reunion. Also oh my god Ben Starr was amazing, one of my favorite performances in a game ever. My big downsides were I really would've been fine with a simpler happy ending after how much everyone suffered in this game, and that the women really got shafted in this one, it felt like a Shonen Jump manga in that regard lol. Jill getting benched to wife waiting for husband to come home as one of the big offenders. She didn't get shafted as bad as Luna did in FFXV at least, yeesh. I hope the next FF has lots more ladies!

#final fantasy xvi #i rly loved it #not perfect but really really good and prolly my GOTY #ben starr you are AMAZING #everyone on the cast was great but WOW clive the best #final fantasy 16

[antisocialxconstruct]

For me it's kind of like... 90% of the time "bad" dialogue options just don't make sense to me? Or they're not engaging. Sure, Shepard *can* nuke that council in Mass Effect 1, but that doesn't make any sense within the story and they just get carbon copy replacements. Sure, I could nuke megaton, but that side quest is poorly placed and isn't as interesting as just... letting the town exist with its normal quests. Disco Elysium and Pentiment are some of the few exceptions, in that yes, there are "bad" options (IE, being a fascist in DE) but the "bad" options are well written enough to be interesting and serve as commentaries about their content instead of being mindless endorsements. DE and Pentiment truly manage to nail ambiguity in a way a lot of RPGs don't, IMO: by letting the player voice a multitude of opinions, they're able to engage with a number of ideas in way more nuanced ways and actually let the player *play* a character instead of "choose a route". (I actually love Mass Effect, but I have a lot of feelings from a writing and game design thoughts about the way its morality works. My most controversial opinion is that Andromeda handles this better than the main games.)

Yeah that all makes sense for sure, and I think a lot of games' ideas of "gray morality" really do end up being like "do you want to do something comically evil for no particular reason, or... NOT do that?" and that's a perfectly valid reason to just default to being civil and reasonable 🤷‍♂️

Games with enough depth to the writing to give you a distinct and unique reaction to your "bad" choices are definitely few and far between, so it's hard to really assess what you would "usually" do in that situation when you can only think of a few examples. But tbh I think a game like Mass Effect is an interesting example to me specifically because there isn't much material difference between trending toward paragon or renegade. The Shadowrun games also kinda fall into this category for me, because there's enough writing to make you feel like you're roleplaying despite the plots being pretty linear. So when being chill versus being an ass doesn't actually change too much beyond the way individual characters think of/act toward you, that's when it's kind of intriguing to me to see how many people will still default to being nice. Or, for instance, games like Fallout or Elder Scrolls, where you can go out into the open world and commit atrocities and sell your allegiance to a whole host of sketchy people, and very rarely face consequences from anyone who wasn't in viewing distance of you doing that... I wonder what compels some players to Not Do That.

And I mean. Intellectually I know the answer is probably "I don't want to?" and that's where they lose me LOL

#ask #anon #rpg morality #rom speaks

[drackpa]

Something I really hate in video games but I rarely see someone talk about is devs not considering people who would like to play an old(er) main character. Sounds silly but it bothers me so much! You see, some games with costumizable main characters have options like wrinkles or grey hair. But then you play the game and everyone adresses you as a young person or there are hints to your age that indicate you are in your 20s (CP2077 for example). In some games the story context would just make it extremely weird to be a 75 year old female badass, even though visually it's possible (Fallout 4 for example). It's like, yes you can make your character look very old but the entire story will make no sense anymore. Somehow the "anything" in "you can be anything you want!!!" in games like that never includes people beyond their 50s/60s... or even 30s. I thought that Shepard in Mass Effect was an exception to that because I always thought she could well be in her 40s or 50s with her past experiences but nope, she's in her 20s at the beginning of the series.

Adding to that, most games only have very young romance options, some are just downright creepy in HOW young those characters (especially female love interests) are (Stardew Valley for example), making you already feel weird if you are beyond the ripe old age of 25.

The worst offender in all of this is Wytchwood by the way. Non costumizable but old female main character. I won't spoiler the game but I just want to say that I hate it so so much. I wish I could get a refund for it.

I get that "young hero does thing" is just very popular and I also get that it would make programming things more complicated if you had to consider different age ranges. But one more dialoge option here and there maybe? Not indicating birthdays?

It just gets weird to me when there are options to costumize the character to look old and then the game indicates you are just out of the fictional equivalent of high school.

All logic and reason aside, I just want to play an old woman fighting her way through some fictional world. Extra super bonus points if I can have an old female love interest. Will never happen lol but one can dream

#skyrim and elden ring are the only games that come to mind where i could actually make an old female charcter #who didnt seem out of place in the story

[another-whump-sideblog]

Jane’s Pets Chapter 17: A Little out of the Ordinary

TWs in the tags

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Extra: 16.5

Adverse effects | Unconventional restraints | “This wasn’t supposed to happen”

It’s been a few days since your punishment ended. You don’t feel good.

Obviously, there’s the physical pain. It feels less like nerves that have been activated and more like a mass of pain sitting inside you. Or several chunks of pain sitting inside you.

You avoid moving so that the pain doesn't move around. As long as it sits right where it is, you can semi-bear it, so you have to make sure the pain doesn’t move.

You can’t really do anything by yourself. Ever since you woke up in your bed with your collar on, all of your injuries bandaged, and your leg in a cast, you’ve needed help doing basic things.

Luckily, it’s been Dollie helping you and not Jane. You don’t think you could handle that.

Emotionally, you feel hollowed out. Kit came to talk to you for a bit when you first woke up, and you asked them to kill you. They paled and left without saying a word, and you haven’t seen them since.

Dollie helps you eat and drink and bathe. She applies clean bandages to your wounds and gives you an ibuprofen pill every once in a while. At first, you talked to her and played card games with her, but lately you just stare at the ceiling and try to be as still as possible.

You’re so tired. You thought you would feel better once the punishment was done, but you’re still in so much pain and so tired all the time. The punishment isn’t over, not really, and it won’t be for months.

You sleep and stare at the ceiling and let Dollie take care of you, and before you know it you’ve lost all perception of time. You have no idea how long it’s been. Your wounds slowly heal. Dollie stops giving you ibuprofen. You’re so tired.

—

Dollie steps into your room with a plate of food and quietly shuts the door behind her.

“Hi.” She says. Your eyes widen in surprise.

“Master said I could talk to you. She doesn’t like it when her pets get too depressed or dissociated. It’s boring. She said this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Her voice is painfully quiet and a bit scratchy. She places the food on your bedside table.

“How are you doing?” She asks.

You huff. Is she serious? “Not great. Why’d she have you talk to me instead of Kit? I mean, I’m not complaining. But I would’ve thought she’d rather keep us from talking.”

“She would. But Kitty failed. So I get to try.”

You blanch. “Kit’s okay, right? They’re not in the basement, are they?”

“They’re fine. We’re all fine. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”

“Not unless you know how to stop Jane. Or kill me.”

“Don’t say that. You’re okay. Are you hungry?”

You are, but you shake your head. You’d rather focus on this conversation.

“I’m sorry I drilled you. I wish I didn’t have to. Is that why you’re sad? I’m sorry.”

You sigh and try to explain in a way Dollie will understand. “No, that’s not why I’m sad. I’m sad because I don’t want to be tortured again but I know I will be.”

“Not if you’re good! And we can help you be good. Me and Kitty, we’ll help you.”

“You don’t understand.”

Dollie tenses. “I’m not stupid. I know I’m being treated badly. I know we’re being treated badly. It’s just… the only way to make it better is to be good.” She takes a deep breath. “We were chosen, you know? By this powerful being. And keeping her happy is our job. It’s a shitty job, but you can have a shitty job and still be happy.”

“You can quit a shitty job. We’ve been kidnapped and tortured and we can’t leave.”

“You came willingly. But that’s not the point. What will make you feel better? What did you do before, when you were having a hard time?”

“I don’t know. I’d just… do what I had to do. But I don’t really want to, this time.”

“Don’t say that. Master won't like that. If you can’t think of anything, I can make suggestions. I could convince Master to get us more books or games. And I do the shopping, so I could get something you want next time I go if Master says it’s okay. We could make brownies. That’s what I used to do, when I was sad. And I’d dance. Does any of that sound fun? Like it would make you feel better?”

“I don’t know.” You feel bitter in a way that’s hard to verbalize. She’s only talking to you because Jane thinks you being depressed is boring. You don’t really want to feel better.

“That’s fine. Do you… want to talk about it? About what happened? We don’t have to, but sometimes it helps.”

“Do I want to talk about how I was tortured for a week straight? Not really, no.” You don't actually know how long you were in the basement, but that feels right. You pause. “I’m sorry, though. You got hurt because of me. You weren’t even there when I ran.”

“It’s fine. I should’ve known better, should’ve left you restrained while I wasn’t there to watch you.”

A chill runs down your spine. “Don’t do that.”

“I’ll do whatever’s necessary. But it shouldn’t be. Especially not while your leg’s broken. That’s a pretty effective restraint, isn’t it? Master knows what she’s doing.”

“What the fuck-“ You take a deep breath. “Okay, here’s a tip for you. If your goal is to make me feel better, don’t talk about me being tortured like it was justified.”

“Sorry.” And she does seem sorry, but you know it’s because she’s doing a bad job at what Jane told her to do and not because she thinks she was wrong.

Dollie stares at you for a minute. “I want to help. What would help you right now?”

You think for a moment. “Kit said you might know more about how Jane’s powers work.”

She shakes her head. “How would knowing that help you feel better? I know you just want to know how to plan another escape. That will only make it worse.”

You close your eyes. You’re never going to get out of here.

“We don’t have to spend all our time at the house, you know. We can go on walks. I’m sure Master wouldn’t mind, as long as you're supervised. It would help you to get some sunlight, I think. And exercise.”

“You’re a fucking murderer, Dollie.”

That’s not what you expected to come out of your mouth. You don’t know why your heart is suddenly pounding. “You killed a child. I’m sure you’ve killed more people than you can even count at this point. You’re so fucking weak. You’ve killed people just because she told you to, just to avoid pain. God, what’s wrong with you? Why are you like this? Why’d you let her make you into this? Why couldn’t you be stronger?” Your face is wet and your hands shake and it hurts.

“Oh.” Dollie’s voice is somehow even softer. She gently wraps her arms around your shoulders, barely touching you. But it’s still a hug. You lean on her and sob into her shirt.

“It’s not your fault, Bunny. It’s not. When you’re following Master’s orders, everything you do is her fault and her decision, not yours. You’re just an extension of her. It’s not your fault.” She taps your left arm gently, where your brand is.

You sob harder. You’re absolutely positive that she’s repeating something Jane’s told her.

“It’s okay. You can cry for as long as you want. It wasn’t your fault.”

You cry and cry and cry. It feels different to when you were crying in the basement. Dollie holds you and rubs circles into the back of your neck, over your collar.

It’s been so long since you’ve had actually comforting touch. It’s not like when Jane holds you, when it’s to prove how much control she has, and it’s certainly not like when Kit and Dollie hold you down to stop you from leaving. Dollie holds you loosely, and you know that she would let go at the slightest sign that you wanted out. She carefully avoids putting pressure on any of your wounds, which she knows the locations of intimately after helping you with bathing and applying bandages.

“I’m a murderer.” You choke out. Dollie doesn’t say anything.

“Don’t go. Stay, please Dollie. Don’t go.”

“I won’t. Not until you tell me to.”

She’s lying, of course. She would leave in an instant if Jane asked. But you let yourself believe it, for just a moment, and you feel safe. Protected. Loved.

“I could’ve gotten you water. You sacrificed it for me and I could’ve paid you back but I’m too weak.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t do it because I wanted something in return.”

That just makes you feel worse. “Why are you and Kit so much stronger than me? Why can’t I sacrifice for you the way you can for me?”

“It comes with time.”

You don’t want to be here long enough to be able to take pain willingly. You cry and cry and cry.

At some point, you must’ve fallen asleep. When you wake up, the light from the window of your room has faded, and Dollie is still holding you. You don’t feel like only sleeping and staring at the ceiling anymore.

A/N: Let me know if I should tag anything else!

Tag list: @eatyourdamnpears @ghostsinthecloset

#whumptober2022 #no. 1 #a little out of the ordinary #adverse effects #unconventional restraints #this wasn’t supposed to happen #oc #original content #fic #discussions of torture tw #death mention tw #murder mention tw #death wish tw #suicidal ideation tw #whump #whump writing #whumpblr #intimate whumper #creepy whumper #nonhuman whumper #multiple whumpees #pet whump #whumpee #whumper #caretaker #2nd person pov #jane’s pets